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Friday, February 11, 2011

Progress. You hear that word a lot, especially around here. Everyone's looking for it, people post how proud they are of it, how disappointed they are when they don't feel or see it. Progress is a big word...almost big enough to rival the other big P, the nasty P-word. (The one that leads people to want to jump off the cliff know it.) But what does it mean?

From Google: Definitions of "progress" on the Web:
1. develop in a positive way
That's this progress:

2. advancement: gradual improvement or growth or development
Uhm, that's what I'm hoping my muscles are doing right now.

3. advance: move forward, also in the metaphorical sense
Yesh, like my running...however slow it might be...

...or at least it WAS like that, until I started moving backward again...

4. the act of moving forward (as toward a goal)
Even if it's REALLY SLOWWWWWW, like the movement on my scale this week with a .2 here and a .2 there. *sigh*


5. build up: form or accumulate steadily
You mean like the pressure I put on myself or the (delusional) pressure I feel from those around us?


6. a movement forward
I like that one. Very easy to achieve. It's as easy as one step after another...


Okay, okay. So it means all the things we think it means. But what does it mean to ME?

Sure, progress is 85 pounds lost on the scale.

But, it's also...
... the lightness I feel when running now as compared to 80 pounds ago.
... knowing that I have the tools now that I struggled for so long to find.
... getting back up every time I fall.
... knowing that one misstep doesn't equal the end of the journey.
... being able to get off the couch.
... squeezing behind people.
... buckling (most) airline seat belts.
... not seeing stomach sticking out past my boobage when I look down.
... bending over and tying my shoes.
... getting to the gym 5-6 days a week.
... wanting to go to the gym.
... hating that the gym is closed Sundays.
... doing what I'm afraid of and realizing fear is in my head and can be overcome.
... walking miles before being tired and winded.
... lifting 60-100-200+ pounds with my arms or legs.
... understanding how nutrition works.
... understanding my body.
... wanting to train someone like I train myself.
... modifying Zumba to be more difficult and challenging.
... not being afraid of modifying recipes for healthier options.
... eating foods I know are healthier.
... giving myself permission to hope for more.
... giving myself the right to believe in my own beauty.
... being comfortable around people.
... being looked at in the eyes more often.
... feeling less wide.
... breathing.
... living.
... feeling free.
... planning outdoor activities and hating the weather.
... knowing that the weather doesn't have to stop me.
... being motivation for others.
... understanding I'm not you and I don't have to need what you need or do what you do or want what you want.
... having faith in my abilities.
... being willing to stretch the idea of what I can handle and testing my limits.
... feeling free to change my mind.
... being honest, even when I fear I might be judged.
... knowing when to keep my mouth shut.
... caring for others for more unselfish reasons.
... knowing that I still don't have all the answers, but I have the ability to find the answers to some of the unknown with enough research and time and understanding.
... understanding that I won't always feel happy, healthy and strong - and that is OK.
... learning how to get through the hard times without turning to food.
... learning to celebrate victories without food.
... learning to love food for what it can do to my body.
... learning to hate certain food for what it does to my body.

And progress is knowing that this:

4677 not something to fear, but something to look forward to, because it feels like power and peace and strength and happiness soon after.

And progress is feeling power, not regret or embarrassment when I see this:

...because I'm not going back there. Because that girl had the strength in her to do what I've done so far...she just wasn't ready yet. She wouldn't be ready for another 2 years to really take on the challenge of changing her life completely. She had done it once before, but she needed that time to focus on other things, on making her inside stronger so she could deal with the pain and suffering this journey would bring.

That change of mind alone. That ability to be ready to change. That, in itself, is progress.

Sometimes it feels like the progress is so slow, that the changes aren't happening fast enough, that I've only chipped at the surface of what I need to do. The other day I heard this line in a Sara Bareilles song, "Compare where you are to where you want to be and you'll get nowhere." She's right. It's a waste of time. Comparing where you are to where you've been, though, is a great motivator to keep going forward. See, because even though it feels SO SMALL sometimes...when I put it down like this and really take a look, I realize that I've come a long way!

So I'm gonna keep going. Progressing by just putting one foot in front of the other. By trying to make this week better than the last. By remembering to work on all of me, not just the parts I think need to change now.

One step a day more is progress in its very definition. If all else fails, fight for just one step more.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RORYTA 2/14/2011 2:24PM

    You are amazing. 'nuff said. emoticon
no seriously. you're so amazing, that I am semi-speachless and "you're amazing" is all that I can say.

I am soaking up this motivation burst I just got from you. THANK YOU btw.

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GREENLILY 2/14/2011 2:18PM

    You, my dear, have strength in spades... It may not always seem to come right when you want it, but it is always there when you need it. You are awesome and have come so far!

High Three...


Comment edited on: 2/14/2011 2:18:31 PM

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MAGPIE17 2/14/2011 2:07PM

    Wonderful list, E!

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PRETTYINPUNK_04 2/13/2011 10:44AM

    Seriously this blog made me are AMAZING! Thanks for all your inspirations in your blogs emoticon

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GOGOSHIRE 2/12/2011 12:07PM

    I love this one:
"... giving myself permission to hope for more. "

I needed to hear that today. Thanks. xo

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HERE2GETFIT 2/12/2011 9:51AM

    Well said! Congrats with the progress you have made. Have a good day! Polly

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RUSSELLORAMA 2/11/2011 11:33PM

    Progress is powerful!

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SPUNKYDUCKY 2/11/2011 11:21PM

    Awesome blog! Keep moving forward, a little bit every day!

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ATREAT4ME 2/11/2011 10:50PM

    You have done so much! I am thrilled to be a spectator to your live via SP. You are a Rock Star!

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SASXONTHEMOVE 2/11/2011 9:39PM

    Woo BABY!!

Progress is a beautiful thing! One step at a time is how we get where we need to go. One step, then another and another.

Strong and smart and fabulous, and a picture of progression!

"understanding that I won't always feel happy, healthy and strong - and that is OK".... I like this. it is a truth that's hard for all of us to swallow sometimes, but that also comes with progress!

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STLRZGRRL 2/11/2011 8:13PM



You are so dead nuts right about it all, Dolface... and... this:

...getting. back. up.


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LENKA763 2/11/2011 7:44PM


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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 2/11/2011 6:54PM

    You are doing great. Loved the blog today. But what is new I always enjoy your blogs. emoticon

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HEATHER_TEACHAH 2/11/2011 6:09PM

    "progress is... living"
I like that one :)

Your progress makes ME want to keep progressing, too. You have come SO far and I love being a part of your journey. Keep going, girl!!! Keep progressing :) :)

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XTMONT 2/11/2011 6:08PM

    You are my hero for all of this...but mostly for this:

"... giving myself the right to believe in my own beauty"

Amen sista!

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RIGBY31 2/11/2011 5:42PM

    Your list is the truest measure of progress! But your pictures (esp. #1) is just amazing. Good for you.... no, excellent you!

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_TRIXIE_ 2/11/2011 5:05PM

    Love your photos! Keep on going and focus just one week at a time. Keep working on improving upon last week.

Thanks for being such an inspiration. Your PROGRESS is amazing!

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SEEHOLZ 2/11/2011 4:57PM

    You are doing it Esther! You ARE the progress!!!

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TIGERJANE 2/11/2011 4:45PM

    Go Esther!!!!

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MAGSA10 2/11/2011 4:41PM

    Girl YOU ROCK!!!! I loved the before and now pictures, you are brave, strong and amazing. You can do anything that you have set out for yourself. Keep it GOING!!!! Have a great, safe and Sparking weekend.

Maggie j. emoticon

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KATIE2POINT0 2/11/2011 4:34PM

    You're doing an amazing job E!! I love you're list, mostly because it is inspirational but also because I almost lost it over the "boobage" remark. You're a strong, fearless, sexy bltch and you keep me motivated. *loves*

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GLENNYB 2/11/2011 4:07PM

    Great post! Good to see all the've made!

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MUSHROOMSTEW 2/11/2011 4:05PM

    Wow what a powerful blog! This should absolutely be one of the motivational blogs on Sparkpeople! You rock girl!

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Baby Mama Drama

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Things around my house have been CRAZY as of late...but more on that later. First, the good stuff.

Yesterday's eating went relatively well. I did have a bagel late last night and stayed up too late, but I was still under my calories for the day. *shrug* It just wasn't a "hungry" day at all. I made Moussaka for dinner last night, which Hubs and I thought was good, but the boys didn't like. (In all fairness Logan is currently sick. He ate three bites and then yakked in my hallway. *sigh*) For lunch I had some of the Lentil Soup I made the other night. Meh. It was alright. Certainly very filling, but it was kinda bland and just there. It's alright in a pinch. I'm not too keen on the vinegar addition and I think next time I'd just leave it out....if there ever is a next time. I was looking to use up my lentils, but I think I'll look elsewhere next time.

After work, my gym routine was to be: 5 minute warm-up, chest ST, and 30m Cardio follow-up...but on the way to the gym I started to feel sleepy. REALLY sleepy. I went anyways. I told myself I had to go. I wasn't feeling well, but I didn't want to stop unless I was yakking all over the place. So I went. And here's how IT went:

5 minute elliptical warm-up

ST moves:

Dumbbell Incline Presses
Primary Muscle Group - Chest (Upper Pectorals)
Secondary - Front Deltoids & Triceps

They look like this:


Target: 4 sets - reps: 16/12/10/8
Actual: 4 sets - reps: 16/12/10/8 - weight: 5/10/12/15

I felt those as I was doing it, but I think I can be brave and try upping the weight next time, especially on the front end. I like these a lot, though. I love that I can FEEL my pecs working to get where they need to be. There's just something special about feeling the body part you know the exercise is supposed to work working hard to do what you want it to do.

Barbell Flat Bench Press
Primary Muscle Group - Chest (Mid Pecs)
Secondary - Front Shoulders & Triceps

I doubt you need a picture, but here's the best one I found anyhow:


Target: 3 sets - reps: 12/10/8
Actual: 3 sets - reps: 12/10/6 - weight: 45/55/65

Who wouldn't like these? Oh, well, I didn't like the part where Hubs didn't make it to the gym so I was left without a spotter and this is the most extreme case of me wanting him there. I probably could've finished that last set, but fear had crept in telling me I was going to crush my ribcage with the stupid barbell loaded down. Still, I did well. I challenged myself and pushed through not feeling well.

And then it was time for cardio, and for the first time in a long time, I bargained my way out of it. The deal I made myself? If I go to Zumba tonight, I can let myself off the hook for missing cardio last night. SUCKS that I woke up to a horrible cough, but I'll still be there tonight, coughing my way through a Zumba workout and making myself proud, because that's what my poster tells me to do every day when I leave work.

And being at the gym tonight will be a good distraction from the family problems I've been dealing with. Here's the skinny:

So, Ethan is my youngest child. The darling of the family. Just like his Momma. He does great in school, loves finishing his homework early, and LOVES to read. He also hates healthy food 9 times out of 10, just because it's healthy and he'd rather have french fries and chicken nuggets, and hates cleaning. When I told him a week or so ago to go clean his room, he did what we call "pulling an Ethan," wherein, in order to get out of doing housework, you simply take a nap. I seriously know how to get my child to take a nap, but this practice of sleeping away your troubles seriously pisses me off. I usually yell at him and tell him to get his butt up and clean like he was told (I swear he's not actually tired. It could be 10 minutes after I woke him up from a 10-hour sleep and STILL he'd find a way to be tired enough to sleep instead of clean). This last time, I figured I'd try a different method. I was sick of hearing him cry and pout and scream his way through cleaning his room talking about how horrible I am and how much I must hate him to make him do it. *rolls eyes* So this time I looked right at him and I said, "I'm giving you the choice. Either this room is cleaned by bedtime or you're going to be grounded for two weeks. You make the decision and you live with the consequences." He is currently without video games and his room is still a complete and utter mess.

That same night, we had another issue arise when we got a call from another parent from school. Apparently her son had taken razor blades into school that day and passed them out to a few of the other kids, Ethan being one of them. I honestly felt scared for Ethan, but I wasn't completely upset with him. We've never dealt with razor blades and, in my eyes, being the blade pusher was MUCH MORE SERIOUS than accepting it. Still, we had to talk to him. We told him that it was dangerous and against school policy. We told him that if he was caught with it he would likely be suspended or worse and it would go in his permanent record. We told him we loved him and we were afraid of him getting hurt with something like that, and that we knew he knew it was wrong, and if he KNEW it was wrong, he should NOT have accepted it. We told him that there was a difference between tattling and telling a teacher about something like this, and next time he needed to be brave for everyone else and just tell. He cried. We took the razor blade away, and then talked to him about lying (he told me 3 times in a row he hadn't gotten anything at school from anyone until I told him, "We just got a call saying you did. Do you want to try that answer again?"), and we talked to him about safety again (he had hid the razor blade under his pillow in bed, the pillow he was laying on...I nearly died! SO close!!). He got punished at school for it and he was super mad that his "friend" had gotten him into trouble and made him miss some fun things they did at school.

Last Saturday, he admitted to me at Logan's basketball game that he had $20 in his coat. I knew he shouldn't have any money left from Christmas because he spends it on stupid crap almost faster than he gets it. I asked him where he got it from. I asked him SEVERAL times. Just the day before Hubs was remarking that he had THOUGHT he had more money in his wallet than he did. It took SEVERAL times before he finally admitted he stole it from his father's wallet. Being in the middle of the basketball game in the middle of a crowded, tiny gym, I told him to sit down and shut up next to me and we would discuss it later, but not to move from my side. Minutes later, he was gone. It took me several laps around the school, outside and in, before I found him hiding UNDER the school bleachers. I yelled at him to get out in front of everyone and he smirked and said he wouldn't. I informed him that when the game was over and everyone left, I was coming in after him if I had to. He came out some time later and sat next to me. I tried to grab his hand to take him into the gym and he wouldn't budge. He wouldn't speak, he had the nastiest look on his face, it was not the boy I had known for 8 years, it was rebellious and spiteful and I got a little sad immediately. Hubs was pissed and pulled him up out of the seat...and then Ethan took off. He ran away from me even though I told him several times I just wanted to talk (that's all I wanted, to talk!). He went outside without a coat and hid from me. After about 20 minutes, I had to give up. I figured he would come out eventually....I hoped he would. As I watched the final minutes of Logan's game, I was upset and hurt and scared. What was happening to my little boy?

Several times when we tried to talk to him on the way home, he mentioned that he should just "go kill myself" which broke my heart over and over again. It took me screaming at him, asking him to stop, talking to him in every manner I knew how before he finally admitted that he was wrong and said he was sorry and it would never happen again. I thought it was resolved. He added 2 more weeks to his grounding and it went up to a month.

Last night was the last straw. His behavior toward me regarding the dinner I had just spent nearly an hour preparing with his help, his disrespect. It was killing me to watch. I told him to just go to bed because I didn't want to be treated that way, and he popped out another stupid comment about how I don't care about him, don't love him, and he should just die. (It literally kills part of me every time I hear him say this...every single time.)

I don't know what to do and the stress of it all is starting to break this calm facade I've built for myself. For two weeks I've stayed mostly on task. I thought I was working the balanced scale to the greatest degree I have ever achieved. I work all day, I go to the gym with Hubs, I go home and cook a nice, healthy dinner for everyone, I put things away, I do laundry, and finally slip to bed VERY late, only to get up and do it all again the next day.

Needless to say, it's been a trying time.

Being a mom is hard right now. I can't look at him right now without seeing his mutilated body (my mind likes to recreate worst-case scenarios in full-color movie quality HDTV for me). Sleep has been a joke with those kinds of nightmares plaguing my mind. I don't know how serious he is. I don't even know where he got this from. All I know is that I don't want to leave it unchecked. I lost a best friend when I was in HS to suicide and I can honestly say that I wouldn't survive the same fate for either of my children. I simply would not survive it.

Anyhow, not sure why I'm laying it all out there...probably because I'm lost and hurt and need to talk and really have no one other than Hubs to talk to (and he doesn't have any clue how to better handle it either). I love my boys and I just want them to be happy.

I asked Ethan if I was spending too much time at the gym. He insisted, and I mean INSISTED that I keep going to the gym. He said he LOVES it when I go to the gym.

I can't exactly work less, so that's not an option.

I just instituted Family Game Night every Friday night where we spend hours upon hours playing games together as a family. Maybe it's having a negative effect instead of a positive one, but I don't know why it would.

I don't know why he's acting out. I know kids generally act out to get attention, any kind of attention, but I don't know how much more I could give other than quitting the gym. Maybe life was easier for him when Mommy stayed home all the time watching TV because she was afraid to be seen in public. I know he surely enjoyed it more when we went out to places like McDonald's and Wendy's, and we simply don't do that anymore. I don't care if we do. I'm happy to take him...I just don't really like the food anymore unless I have a random craving for something. is hard sometimes. The trick is fighting through the battle and coming out on the other side a stronger version, having learned something from the struggle. I hope what I learn is what my child needs to grow up to be a successful, happy, loving human being. But right now...right now my heart is broken and my will is shattered. I dread going home tonight. I can't decided if I want to retreat to bed (my illness may determine that one for me) all weekend, or if I should take him out and show him what a fun time can be had with me. I don't know what to do, so I'll likely do what I can do - muddle through until I find the's there somewhere...I just have to find it.


Moussaka recipe:

Lentil Soup recipe:

EDIT: FYI - Ethan is 8 years old.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGIRL06 2/21/2011 10:50AM

    Sorry to hear you are having such a rough time with your little one :( I have no advice seeing as I have no kids. Just wanted to let you know I'm here to listen!

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MIZCATHI 2/13/2011 8:02AM

    Being a parent is the hardest job in the world. They go from chubby adoring babies to sometimes little monsters, and still they are yours. My son is 32 and his life has been a nightmare for the past decade, and I still hurt just as you do. Who knows what happens in their little growing minds, or why they act out the way they do. I ignored many of these outbursts and thought love would see us through. I didn't have the skills I thought I had. While ultimately my son's problems originated with a brain tumor growing on the third ventricle since birth (a very scarey benign tumor that is almost impossible to diagnose), I know we could have all benefited from understanding behavior more. If counseling is an option for you, it would be a great place to start. Good luck Mom.

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BAYBELIEVER 2/13/2011 12:47AM

    Sorry, I have been sick this week and just saw this. I agree with you seeking some help for your son. My children had difficulties in 2nd and 4th grade and the school counselors were extremely helpful and a great place to start. My experience was that they are there 6 or 7 hours a day and can develop a rapport with kids to be able to check in on them and give them an outlet to start talking. My experience was that they don't take on "full time" counseling either. They know when a kid needs further help and it was recommended for one of my two kids at the time their father deserted us. The school counselor continues to check on both of them periodically, but she was able to give an initial assessment that helped me to deal with them. Reach out as soon as you can. It costs nothing and she/he should be able to help guide you. Good luck. Stay aware and alert. I will be praying for you and your family.

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KITHKINCAID 2/11/2011 10:01PM

    You know my stance - I agree with everyone else on the counseling thing. However, I know that money is tight, so it may not be an option. But what about something like this: IF you can afford that $20 that he took out of your husband's wallet, why don't you take that $20 and give it to him with the caveat that he needs to use it to plan a "date night" with you - just the two of you. He can do whatever he wants with that $20 (and he may choose to take you to Wendy's so beware), but whatever his ideas it must involve the two of you spending some time together so that you can talk to him (on his terms) about what's really going on. He might be sensing your stress about money, which is why he's stealing it "just in case" for himself. Talk to him about that. I think he's old enough to be absorbing anything that's stressing you and taking it on himself, so maybe a night that he gets to be the grown-up and budget the date and plan everything himself will give him the courage to talk to you about his own "grown up" issues.

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HEATHER_TEACHAH 2/11/2011 2:21PM

    Esther, I'm sorry that you're having to go through this. I'm a HUGE advocate of counseling and I'd highly recommend taking Ethan to see his school counselor. That is what they are there for and they are trained to help kids learn coping mechanisms for anger/depression. Especially if he is threatening to kill himself, I think that he needs to learn that isn't something you threaten for attention. If he means it, a counselor will help get to the root of it. Some things I think are better coming from 'officials' rather than parents, and maybe for Ethan he needs someone other than mom to help him work through this one?

sending you big HUGS, my dear.

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MAIRESAURUS 2/11/2011 12:46PM

    I second taking him to a child therapist. Not a guidance or school counselor, but a clinical mental health professional. If his behaviors are sudden, and so dire like you're describing, it would benefit you just find an objective person to speak with. He might just need someone completely removed from the situation to really work on the things bothering him. As much as you guys love him, and as unconditional as your love is, (speaking from experience) there's always that child fear that maybe what's happening would be the one thing that unconditional love won't accept. I do hope things get better.

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NDMOM73 2/11/2011 12:04PM

    So sorry you are going through all of this. I have a 17yr old daughter who as far back as I can remember has had anger issues. I have always felt it was my fault because her father and I divorced when she was 2. When she was about 6-7 she would say "I wish I was never born, I wish I was a cartoon (not real)." It broke my heart each and every time she said it. I would cry, tell her how much I loved her, beg her to now say those things. It would drag on and on and my other daughter would have less of my time because I was feeding into the drama.

This continued in various ways through the years. When she was 13 in the middle of an argument she threatened to kill herself. My husband (her stepdad who is now deceased) and I immediately took her to our local mental health facility for a screening. She was very, very angry but it was also a wakeup call that we weren't going to take a threat of suicide lightly. When they offered to keep her for a few weeks she started crying and said that she was just trying to scare/hurt me by saying it. After a long visit and their standard screening they didn't feel she needed to be admitted. She has never threatened suicide again and she even thanked us for taking her and making her realize how harmful it was to herself to even say those words out loud.

I don't know the right thing to do in your situation, but I would definitely think about taking him somewhere to be evaluated. They know what to look for and if nothing else your son will know that you will not take threats of suicide lightly. Do not be hard on yourself, just as you wouldn't be hard on your son, sometimes as parents we need help and there is absolutely nothing wrong in seeking that help.

Best of luck to all of you!

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 2/11/2011 10:49AM

    emoticon Since I don't have kids, I can't get great advice, but love the advice to talk to the school counselor. Have you talked with any of his teachers to see if they have noticed any changes with him. New group of friends, anything?
emoticon I hope everything works out.

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-POLEDANCEGIRL- 2/11/2011 10:26AM

    Wow, I had a flashback when I read your blog. My youngest DD (11) had anger issues and the threat of harming herself. We went to a therapist. One of the BIGGEST rewards that she LOVES now is mom & me time. If she does not talk back and does what I ask, I give her 15 minutes of time that is whatever she chooses. It is the BEST reward!!! It might be playing a game, cuddling on the couch, playing outside, playing the wii, at the gym, whatever. Usually it is much longer than 15 minutes. Hang in there! Your kids are totally worth it!

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RAVENSONG37 2/11/2011 12:25AM

    Ah sweetie, my heart is breaking for you. I think he's telling you he needs some help, maybe he needs to learn how to express himself or maybe he needs to learn how to love himself. Either way, he's telling you he's in a lot of pain and you are hearing him. Maybe just telling him you need his help to figure out what to do could be a place to start. Love you Es.

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GOGOSHIRE 2/10/2011 11:44PM

    Hi E, I'm not a parent, so I have no real advice other than go to counseling with him. I said stuff like that at that age, and my parents put me in counseling, and I swear I'm still around because of it. Hearing your kid say "I wish I were dead" has got to be the scariest thing - esp having your history with the friend in HS - so get him into therapy to be sure you are not having the worse deja vu of your life.

Also, the whole razor blade thing is so scary...and keeping it under his pillow like he's keeping his options close to him? I did that exact same thing. Yep. Razor blades in my pillow case. It's not just a good hiding place - it means something.

And just b/c he doesn't say it all the time doesn't mean when he does say those things that it's not real. Please take it super seriously. Please.


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SPUNKYDUCKY 2/10/2011 11:08PM

    Oh sweetie, I am so sorry for how difficult this must be for all of you right now. I wish I knew the right thing to say. I am thinking of you and Ethan.

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TIGERJANE 2/10/2011 9:54PM

    I don't want to be an alarmist, but those phrases you quoted your son saying are exactly, word for word, what my younger sister would say, under similar situations, at the exact same age. And she took 150 pills in a suicide attempt at 16. I don't think your son is just trying to get attention, I think he is genuinely hurting and whether it has an external cause or not, he needs to be seen by a professional child therapist. Not a school counselor, but a real therapist. My guess would be he's feeling singled out at school in a negative, hurtful way by other kids. Does he get invited to bday parties? asked to hang out often by other kids? Does he have a any close friends?

I'm not a parent, and I'm not in any way criticizing you or your methods. Just trying to help another family pay attention to clues that in hindsight you may wish you had responded to differently. In the meantime, please hug him and tell him how special he is to you and how much you love him, no matter what he does, and that he will always be a special member of that family. Kids in that kind of pain can't get enough validation, so lay it on thick. You guys will definitely be in my thoughts, and I'm hoping for the best for you all

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PURPLESPEDCOW 2/10/2011 9:51PM

    You MUST talk to the school counselor or your doctor. It is cry for help for a child of any age to repeatedly say he wants to kill himself. It is nothing you have done or not done, but for some reason he feels useless or something. It is not easy to do this. I know, I had to get help for my son when he was in middle school, but your son needs help and starting with the school is a good way to begin. emoticon to both of you. I am not going to even try to say what might be going on, I just want you to fight for your son and get him some help.

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EVLOBOS310 2/10/2011 9:02PM

    I'm sorry you're having a rough time with your son. I'm also a teacher and agree with the others - talk with the school counselor. Depending on the situation (and the size of the school), the counselor may be able to have group or individual counseling with him. If the school counselor can't help, you can always find a child psychologist or psychotherapist that will be very helpful as well. Good luck!

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ATREAT4ME 2/10/2011 8:53PM

    I have no helpful advice, just observations from afar: you're a fighter and so is Ethan. You won't give up nor will you let him give up. He will draw from that your strength and your love. Keep talking to him and keep listening to him. I'm sending you lots of love and strength.

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MENACE79 2/10/2011 8:37PM

    yikes - that sounds like a lot, and can't even imagine what it must feel like. The pressure to say/do the right thing when you're not sure what the "right thing" is must be enormous. I don't have kids, but went through some tough adolescent times, and remember them well. When my mom didn't know how to get through to me, we would go somewhere (mall, groceries, anywhere as long as it was in the car and just the two of us) and she would quietly say that she knew something was wrong, didn't know what it was, but she needed me to know that she loved me, and that we could talk about it if I liked. Then she would drop it. I didn't always crack, but I did sometimes. Knowing that she cared really was the whole point. I can imagine the disappointment she must have felt when I DIDN'T talk, though. We had a lot of talks sitting in the car in the driveway. Many many years later when I learned my fiance had been cheating on me (before I began dating hubby), I was hysterical and I asked to speak with her in the car - lol. Something non-threatening about sitting side-by-side rather than face-to-face.

Good luck, deep breaths, and I hope these wrinkles smooth out for you soon.

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    I used to teach 3rd grade and I completely agree with LYON77, talk to your school counselor. It definitely can't hurt to have another adult involved.

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ERIN1128 2/10/2011 7:42PM

    I agree with the other posters about talking to the school counselor (if there still is one - here in budget-wracked California, that's pretty much the first thing to go!).

I also think the family game night thing is a GREAT idea. I have really been making an effort the past couple months to institute special family time on the weekends, as I realized that we were often splitting up to get stuff done - Mommy hangs out with Kate while Daddy runs to the grocery store, that kind of thing. Now I'm making a point of saying, for example, how about all three of us go for a walk on the river and enjoy this beautiful sunshine, and then we can all hit the store together on the way home? Kate has REALLY responded to it, she loves it. I bet it will help with your little sweetie too.

Good luck and keep us posted. Big hugs to you!!!

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LYON77 2/10/2011 7:12PM

    First of all, I am not a parent yet so I really have no idea how hard your job is!!! But, I am a school counselor and I would recommend calling your son's school counselor and let him or her know what is going on. If a parent called me, I would find an excuse to call him into my office and then just say that I am meeting with all of my students today to see how they are doing in school and see if everything is going ok for them. They never suspect anything else. The counselor may be able to get something out of him that you cant. Its amazing what kids will tell their counselor!!! Trust me! He may end up saying that he is being bullied or that he doesnt think his teacher likes him or that he feels stupid in class. The school day is a huge part of thier day and thier life and things at school can make or break a kid. It wont hurt to ask and if the counselor is a good one they will take the time to try and see what the issue is. The counselor can even ask his teachers if they have noticed anything different in class, in lunch, at recess, etc. Maybe he can be in a group at school. Sometimes counselors run groups like social skills groups, or friendship groups. Get your counselor involved!! We care about kids!

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MAGSA10 2/10/2011 7:07PM

    Well I am glad that you did get your workout in as it is a good stress buster. I am sorry to hear of the problems that you are having with your 8 year old son. Sometimes we try to treat them like they are really older than they are and that back fires on us, we forget that they still need that hug and kiss and told good night. I know that I had that problem with my son when he was younger due to the fact that when he was in the 7th grade he was over 6ft tall and had a mustache by than. People looked at him and thought that he was a lot older than he really was and would expect him to act older, big problem..... Well anyway I am wishing you better tomorrow with your son. Stay strong and keep on Sparking.

Maggie j. emoticon

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SASXONTHEMOVE 2/10/2011 6:43PM

    Oh, just big hugs for your and Ethan and your family, Esther! It's so easy for our kids to wound us without even knowing it.
Talk with his teacher, and find out if his school has a counselor, or can recommend one that you can take him to go see. Sometimes just having a different person, who is not as emotionally invested in the stich is what is needed to see what is really going on.
If he's trying to be included in stuff at school and is being shunned by the kids that he admires most is hard for any kid. And as parents, we want to protect them from any hurt. His actions may have been ways to gain 'status' in the group he wants to join. It sounds like he loves you, loves family game night and all of that. It could be that he's just trying to find a way to be the cool kid at school and the normal Ethan at home. But a counselor could help.

Hugs, mama!

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SMARTQT05 2/10/2011 5:50PM

    Im not by any means saying that this is an issue, but it might be so i thought i would let you know. when i was about 8 i started acting out for reasons i had no clue about. i started screaming and lying and being a horrible person, and then telling my parents they didn't love me and i was better off dead. this went on for 8 years with various doctors telling me and my parents that "it was just a phase" and "i'd grow out of it"

looking back i had no clue what was wrong with me, i was scared, and wasn't completely in control of my actions.

it turned out at 16 when i finally demanded that i go see a counselor, that my depression was fueling all of my "crazy"

its just a thought, and like i said i dont know if its the case, but i thought id throw it out there for you

i hope everything gets better for you! raising kids is the hardest job there is

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COCOMAC7 2/10/2011 5:35PM

    reading your post I'd suggest it probably is less of home and more of school/social issues. Could it be that he is feeling left out at school cause he's not fitting in with the "cool" (and by "cool" I mean they actually aren't and will find that out later in life!)kids. This would make sense why he would take the razor blade (to fit in).

My 4.5 yr has had some discipline issues in daycare before. A lot of the issues when the two "big boys" he WORSHIPPED went off to kindergarten. For instance Jack was coming home with "bad" words at least once a month last year. This year he has informed me of one word is bad (he didn't know it was and I guess said it and it was explained it was bad). He no longer says it.

My kid is a people pleaser/follower too and I'm constantly monitoring his friends. I am quick to set up play dates with the kids who are more like him. Jack is easily convinced to try things because a friend told him to.

I too would suggest calling the school councellor/teacher to see if they can shed some light on his school behaviour.

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CALLIKIA 2/10/2011 5:14PM

    You know, Kaura...that makes a LOT of sense. Ethan is a people pleaser, and I do remember one bout of yelling in which he mentioned that everyone at school hates him and says he's annoying and don't want to be around him anymore. I don't even know what that's about, but maybe that's where I should start looking because I honestly can't see the home disconnect right now.

We just instituted family game nights, and he looks forward to them every week. He loves them! It's his special time with us. And I always split up my boys from time to time and do things with them one-on-one, even if it's just "let's just you and me go to the grocery store this time" and then letting him help pick stuff out for the week. He likes things like that, and I am sure to do stuff like that on a semi-regular basis. So maybe the problem is with classmates. I don't mean we're perfect parents and not doing anything wrong, I just mean I can't see what's going on there and maybe there's something there that is upsetting him that I just don't know about...he rarely talks about what happens at school, and usually lies when he does tell me things about school. *shrug* The person he talks about most at school is his teacher, not his classmates...and that seems strange to me too.

Oh, and this is also Ethan's off-season as he's a football player. We've got one in football and one in basketball, so WE as parents don't get an off season, but I do know he's just itching to be active again out on that field. I know that's a part of it, but I can't speed up time or make weather cooperate.

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KAURAKITTEN 2/10/2011 4:59PM

    I have a 7 year old that was fine before school. Other than being scared of me sometimes because I had gone through PPD and yelled constantly we had no problems. 1st grade was when we started having major issues. He was coming home with things he shouldn't have, saying things he shouldn't say, and acting angrier and angrier. At first I blamed myself and said if I hadn't yelled at him so much as a toddler he wouldn't be like this. Then I sat down with his school counselor and told her I was stuck and had no clue where to turn. She asked if his twin brother was having the same problems but he wasn't. So since they were in separate classrooms she suggested we assume it's Cole's classmates that were causing the problems. She did a temporary classroom change and it was literally that first week we started seeing changes in his behavior. I've learned since then we really have to be strict on who he hangs out with and if I have any doubts in my mind that I'm doing something wrong I have to take a step back and look at it as if I were him. If I would be upset as a child and not understand then that's not how I would act towards him. Now that I"ve rambled a ton I would suggest seeing his school counselor. They won't call cps on you or anything, their job is to make sure the kids are developing the way they're supposed to.

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GREENLILY 2/10/2011 4:48PM

    Glad you got your workout in dear...

Sorry about the sitch with your son... I am sending a huge round of hugs your way.

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 2/10/2011 4:38PM

    emoticon Sorry you are going through this rough spot. Hang in there.

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SHONNAATCH 2/10/2011 4:32PM

    I'm a custodial stepmom to two boys who are now 15 and 17 and I've heard it all. My oldest was very combative when he was in his adolescent years and has grown into the best person. He still has his moments of defiance and attitude, but is generally a good person. Someone I never dreamed he would become. The younger one is just now going through these types of emotions and tests with us, but he has always been the "people pleaser".

I love Melissa's idea of getting Ethan involved in some sort of martial arts. The self-discipline and respect learned from something like that could be very beneficial for your son.

I mostly just wanted to wish you well and tell you to hang in there. Raising children is the hardest thing I've ever done...even though they're not technically "mine". I wish it was all puppies and rainbows, but it's not. You will get through it, though. One step and one day at a time.

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EMMYKATE616 2/10/2011 4:30PM

    i'm sorry to hear about your troubles! i just wanted to say how much he reminds me of me when i was younger. i was an emotional kind of kid, but had trouble expressing it in any way other than yelling and hitting. my parents had a hard time with it, but i remember now how i just felt so out of control and didn't know what to do with it. i just FELT so much. some of it was from growing up, some from moving to a new school. just wanted to say that i think i was pretty normal, and i was a good kid except for a couple years there. but my parents did have me talk to the school counselor, which was great.


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MICHELLESMILES_ 2/10/2011 4:29PM


Being a momma is so hard! I hate to hear that Ethan is going through that. Him and my oldest girl are close to the same age and its so sad to think that he's thinking things like that. I hope it gets better for you all.

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FORTUNATEFOOL74 2/10/2011 4:11PM

    My heart goes out to you with your son. My son started this behavior in kindergarden. He's a freshman now. It has been a long and bumpy ride. First reading how your son will sleep to avoid a chore made me think of my son. Please have him checked for depression. It is not a happy thought, but if you have him checked out you will feel better. My son has been suffering from depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. It is hard to think about, harder to deal with. But many of the things you describe are very close to what I've had to deal with.
I am sending you a ton of positive thoughts.

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MEGSFITNESS 2/10/2011 3:45PM

    I was going to say the same thing that BeckyB73 did. I don't think you'd appreciate the alternate advice that sprang to mind when you were talking about him running away and hiding under the bleachers--which would be a swift swat on the backside. When my brother wouldn't clean his room (his excuse was always to use the bathroom) my mom finally quit--she got large green garbage bags like you use in the garden and threw everything away! She took it to the dump so that he couldn't go garbage diving to rescue anything that he missed.

(She secretly kept keepsakes for him, but for the most part, everything went in the trash--toys, games, puzzle pieces, papers, garbage etc.)

She only had to do it once and he got the idea that if he didn't clean his room when he was asked up to her standards, that she'd "clean his room for him"

Or, when I was young with my sister, I'd laze about and let her do all the cleaning. I got caught at that once and they tore apart everything that she had cleaned and gave her money to get a treat from the corner store. I got stuck cleaning the rest of the room by myself.

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LISSOME 2/10/2011 3:31PM

    Aw babe, I feel for you. How old is Ethan?
I ask because very recently I've been reading one of those parenting books (insert big sigh here, I know) to try to teach me something about dealing with my 2 1/2 year old. It's called "Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys". And while I realize that there are a million of these books out there, in skimming sections on older boys, I sort of did a double take when I skimmed the section on The Individual (ages 9-12). My brother in law is 10 right now and is going through a lot of the behavioral issues that Ethan is.
Again, I have no idea how old your son is, so maybe this doesn't apply. Anyway, even though I'm not raising my brother in law, I was able to show the section to my husband and mother in law, and it helped them to at least know that his behavior is very much the norm. And that even though he says horrible things and makes my MIL simultaneously want to hug him and ground him, it's a stage that he has to get through. Anyhow...I know how things go with the plethora of books that are out there, but I wanted to send you a virtual hug and let you know that you're not alone.
I hope today is an easier day for you. I know my days like those are coming. Just down the road a few years.

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BECKYB73 2/10/2011 3:29PM

    If you employer offers it as a benefit, you should check out the Employee Assistance Program. It's a good way to reach out and find mental health/family/personal life, etc. resources for yourself and your covered beneficiaries.

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MUSHROOMSTEW 2/10/2011 3:22PM

    I'm sending you strength and love to get through this time. You have so much on your plate right now but I'm so glad you're husband is encouraging you to continue to go to the gym. Stick through it... it'll get better!

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Aw sweetie ... I don't have any advice for you but I just wanted to stop by and tell you that I think you're doing the right thing by not leaving his words unchecked. They probably (hopefully) are just things he says in the heat of anger, but it's better to be safe.

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XTMONT 2/10/2011 2:58PM

    So much of this rings true with me and I wish I had a suggestion on how to deal, but I don't. I have a 7 year old step-daughter who is sweet as pie one second and then screaming she hates me the next second..and it's not just me. She does it to her father as well.

We've just gotta keep loving them and hugging them and telling them that we want whats best for them. Hang in there!

{on a lighter note...have you tried putting Curry Powder in your lentil soup?} emoticon

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_MSAPRIL17_ 2/10/2011 2:56PM


Being a mom is hard enough when things are "normal," I'm sorry that you have to deal with all of this!!! We never sign up for the parts like these, do we.

I wish I had some advice for you, but just know that if you need a shoulder, that I am here to listen!!! It sounds like you are doing everything that you can to make it work and be there to help him, but he is constantly acting out and it isn't helping matters at all.


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COCOMAC7 2/10/2011 2:49PM

    I don't have all the answers but I wanted to first off say I feel horrible for you. I'm tearing up ready this as I have a little boy. He's 4.5 yr old so I'm not dealing with most of this yet.
For cleaning the room I tell little man to do it. He OF COURSE says no. I then set a deadline and explain what I mean by clean (so clear expectations as he's only 4.5 yr old) and then I say if it's not clean by the deadline I will come in there with garbage bags and throw away everything. I have never had to, BUT this is a slightly empty threat. If it came down to it I would for sure load up his stuff and then lock it in the garage for a few weeks to teach the lesson. When giving it back I would explain next time I am not holding onto it.

I think your son is definitely feeling some changes he isn't sure he likes and doesn't konw how to deal with it. I think you need to set aside a day or some hours or whatever and spend time just you and him. I would hope he would then see your love for him (maybe not the first time!) and hopefully either open up or shift his attitude. I know how much my little man acts out when he feels he's not getting enough attention.

Even though i should be studying there are nights where I take the extra hour and spend it playing wii games with him, reading, building lego houses or whatever.

We have a standing "date night" that is just me and him (his dad isn't around much but we live with my BF who treats little man like his own). I kept it up after we moved in with BF because it's one-on-one attention of his very busy mom.

I hope you find some answers soon! I'll be thinking about you.


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MELISSAD0721 2/10/2011 2:44PM

    So sad to hear about what your Ethan is going through. I have a very emotional 5 yr old Ethan myself. One suggestion may be something like taekwondo where they teach children self-esteem and self discipline. Something he can do to be proud of himself. Your a mom and you care so you will get through it. :)

Comment edited on: 2/14/2011 3:02:19 PM

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Can I Get a Hot Tub!?

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Before we even get started, I simply MUST share this with those of you that haven't seen it. (Maybe I've just been living under a rock or something...)
It's an online contract you make with yourself. You put up money towards your goal and then report back each week on that goal. If you're successful, you keep your cash. If you aren't successful, they pull the money from your bank and send it to the place you designate - the most interesting idea to me being "an anti-charity," or a charity whose values and ideals you DO NOT support. Just think if you fail your fitness goal for the week and realize you've just sent 10 bucks to a charity supporting something you are morally against! EEP! That would most likely keep ME on track.

But, while it's an interesting feels a little ....negative to me. *shrug* I just feel like I need the ability right now to make mistakes and be okay with them. I have to spend this time learning that perfection is NOT what I'm after - consistency is. I need to let go of my half-baked notions that if I am not perfect, if I do not 100% follow-through with everything I say I want to do and/or am going to do, that I am not worth anything. Maybe later this site would be helpful, but right now I feel like it would feed into the negative fears I already read to myself every day and every week. Thoughts?


Now onto the good stuff.

Monday recap:
Okay, so my eating was pretty good all day. I followed through with my goal of at least a 30-minute walk at lunch (actually did 35 minutes - 1.83 miles). Instead of setting out a route, I just walked. "Let's see how far we can go in this amount of time," I said to myself. And go I did. I actually surprised myself a little, walking all the way from my work to the mall and back basically. In April of last year, that would have been impossible to do at all least not with serious consequences to my body. Next time I hit one of these walks, we'll see if we can't go just a LITTLE faster or farther...

After work I headed straight to the gym. I had just enough time to do my ST before practice with my Vagina Monologues castmates.

ST for Monday:

Military Presses
Target: 4 sets - reps: 20/12/10/8
Done Last Week: 4 sets - reps: 12/10/10/8 w/just barbell weight
Actual Ths Week: 4 sets - reps: 12/8/6/5 w/just barbell weight

This is the best picture I've got...(someone find me a hot chick doing a seated military press with a barbell STAT! *lol*)


Yes, I was a little P.O.ed at myself. Why was this SO hard? Why couldn't I even match last weeks numbers, if not beat them? I worked to failure each time, so it wasn't me slacking off. And another thing...why are incline bench presses so much easier for me than these seated kind? Strange. Interesting. I decided not to be angry with myself, with my already sore and tired arms. I decided that this is an experiment, a lesson in learning how my body works. And I decided that by doing it at all, by working to failure, I had done what I set out to do. I can't be Superwoman all the time...even Superman needs time to be Clark Kent sometimes.

Standing Lateral Raises
Target: 4 sets - reps: 20/14/12/10
Actual: 4 sets - reps: 15/12/12/10 with 5lbs.

That's these:


Oh, my poor shoulders! And, there's this issue with the weights on the rack verses the other set of's strange that the second set of 5 lb. weights felt much lighter to me than the first set. I don't know what it means, but it's interesting to note.

Behind the Back Barbell Wrist Curl
Target: 3 sets - reps: 16/14/14
Actual: 3 sets - reps: 16/14/14 weight: 15/20/30?
Okay, I did this with the EZ Curl Bar. It looks like this:


Last week, when I tried to do these wrist curls in front of me while seated on a bench, I realized I simply could NOT lift a 45-lb barbell with only my wrists. I failed at rep 1. So I switched out the barbell for dumbbells and continued on the best I could. This time I saw this bar sitting over under the rack of weights and thought I'd give it a try. It's much lighter than the regular barbells (my online research says anywhere from 15-25 pounds...this one was pretty dang light, so I'm guessing ours is on the low end). Finally, something I wasn't failing at! Finally, something to which I could ADD weight! YAY! I loved this...didn't feel it in the forearms QUITE as much as I felt the ones last week, but I'd definitely do it again.

After my workout, I tried out a scoop of the Body Fortress Chocolate Whey Protein mix I got at Wal-Mart. Not bad. Gets some protein in me in a jam, especially when I didn't have time to eat before heading to practice. Kept me going for a little while until I went home.

But the problem with Monday? Late evening. Glee episodes on DVD. A box of Life Cinnamon cereal sitting beside me, a huge bowl, and me mindlessly chowing down. *sigh*

Now onto Tuesday (that's yesterday, for those of you keeping track). ;)

I found out from work that the promotion I've been waiting on will be official on Monday. It means a serious change in duties and a serious change in pay (in the right direction) so YAY! (I've been waiting on this for MONTHS!) I also went to the store and spent 16 bucks on a binder, dividers and highlighters for my VM script. (Crap! I so hate spending money now! *pouts* I especially hate the thrill I get in the moment I realize I have a REASON to spend money. *pouts more* I'm really working hard on saving and figuring out the finances, especially before this raise hits and I'm all caught up in the "I have more money, what should I do with it?!" madness. I'm trying to squelch that before it even becomes something I can regret later.)

I had a full day at work. A lot of nothing for weeks, and then BAM! Everything hits all at once and I'm rushing to finish up everything before the end of tomorrow so I don't have to come in this weekend and finish it before I start the new gig Monday. Stress!! I didn't even THINK on the way to the gym last night...thinking is DANGEROUS! I listened to different versions of my VM monologues just to get some takes on how different things can be done and that distracted me until I pulled up out front of the gym.

Last night's workout:

45ish minute Zumba class
(My instructor still has a very sore foot and is babying it like crazy. The regulars like me have been trying to help out where we can, but sometimes we simply forget the moves and what comes next. This is good training for me, though, if I want to become an instructor some day!)

Followed that up with this ST routine:

Leg Presses
Target: 4 sets - 16/14/12/12
Actual: 4 sets - 16/14/12/12 - weight ADDED on EACH SIDE: 45/55/70/80

These look like this and this BY FAR is my FAVORITE machine! (Even if WebMD does have them on their list of the 9 LEAST effective exercises! :P It's more effective than sitting on my couch at home, Holmes!)


Now, there's quite the issue here. See, I SWEAR the PT girl at my gym told me the machine itself weighs 200 pounds WITHOUT weights. Research online is providing difficult as these muscle-heads on here keep going "Who cares what it weighs? Just add more weight until it's heavy." (No dope, Sherlock...but I'd LIKE to keep track of how much I'm LIFTING. Go drink a protein shake and do a bicep're not helping me here!) Now, some of the actual answers are putting it between 45 and 100 pounds...and I'm guessing my gym's is at least on the higher end there because, Dude! Sled is HEAVY! Took me forever to get the balls to add weight to the I'm on a roll! Anyhow, as for now, until I get my question answered, I'm just gonna make sure I make a note of how much weight I ADDED. (Dude, I was pumped last night thinking I lifted my body weight! -- 200 + 80(2) = 360, yo! -- now I'm all bummed out.. POOP!)

Single Machine Leg Curls
Target: 4 reps - sets: 16/14/12/12
Actual: 4 reps - sets: 16/14/12/10 (yes, on each leg) weight: 30/30/40/40

Aww! A chubby stickish/outliney drawing figure thing...


So I went from the machine I LOVE the most, to the MOST HATED machine EVAH! No, serious. This is evil torture for my knees. Just crawling in the thing makes me think "FML!" and I ALWAYS get a head rush..because unlike stickish/outliney drawing figure thing up there, my machine is at a slant, which means my head is always facing down and all the blood likes to RUSH up there all super-quick like and I start seeing stars and stuff. (Not really, I totally hate this machine so I'm completely overexaggerating the horrible experience..but I do get headaches sometimes and always get a head rush from it...) Anyhow, it also makes me feel weak and powerless and makes me want to punch it in the face until I realize it doesn't even have a face. I hope you understand what I'm really trying to say is - I hate this machine and my life would be complete WITHOUT it! Blech!

Incline Seated Calf Raises
Target: 4 sets - reps: 20/16/16/16
Actual: 4 sets - reps: 14/12/12/10 - weight: 50/60/60/70

Look for this at the gym...


No, I'm dead serious. It's the most twisted, evil, painful, FUN machine I've found yet. I don't like it more than my leg press, let's be honest here, but it's running a close third behind the inclined bench presses. And the Hubs quote of the week (so far, I guess) comes from this very machine... I told him it felt like I was on a see-saw... "Yeah," he said. "The see-saw from HELL!" *snort* My calves were pulsing and burning and trying to cramp up and I just kept going because it felt so weird, so fun, so...different. If felt like I wasn't doing ANYTHING, but my calves were screaming a different story. If you've got one...try it. Fo sho!

So what did I do after all that killer working out and making my body sweat? I gave in to Hubs' passing mention of Mexican for dinner. I could've smacked myself in the face. Anyhow, I just tried to be smart. Ordered Chicken Fajitas...ate a LOT of veggies on my tortillas and barely ate half of it before surrendering it to Hubs to finish off. I ate some chips, yes. But even though I joked that I needed a margarita to celebrate the promotion, I opted for a HUGE glass of water and I finished the whole thing off! (No, seriously, there glasses are huge!) Put it all in my tracker this morning and...gosh, oh gee...I'm still within my ranges. Not ideal (too much salt and I can never be too sure of the calorie counts from meals out) but it'll do,'ll do. No binges on cereal or stupid crap like that. I went home and practiced my monologues and went to bed.

Tonight it's a Chest night! BA-DOW! *lol* They've only given me two things to do, so I generally like to add in abs on these nights. (I know the program says not to add anything, but I cannot see a ST schedule with NO MENTION of crunches or ab workouts ANYWHERE. WTF is that? Who TF does that? Uhm, excuse me! I'll have a side of six-pack abs with my perky boobies, please...mmmkaythanks!?)

Yeah, I'm in a weird mood today, if you haven't already noticed. I'm going to go back to work now and finish up as much as I can before 6pm...and at some point I might fit in some light reading:

Oh, and where's that State Farm lady with the hot tub? My arms and legs officially hate me. I'm sore everywhere. I can't stop smiling's the weirdest thing. I have to remind myself to stand/sit up straight because it hurts so much. My arms feel like rocks one minute and jello the next. I think I might die every time I raise my arm to reach something, or scratch my nose, or even put on my coat. And yet, through it all, I can't stop thinking about what's next. It doesn't hurt in a bad way. It's strange how I can be super sore and yet think, "Okay, that was good, what next?" Who am I? What am I becoming? Is this about to get old? Will I burn out? Am I resting enough? I'm giving the program a chance. The scale is mean and not moving, but I feel those muscles there and I see them, actually SEE them getting bigger and stronger. And I do freak out sometimes about "bulking up" even though I know it's a lie, but I still have my moments. And then there are times, like this morning, when I'm sitting on the bed and everything hurts, and the thought of even attempting to put on my pants is a challenge I'm just not ready to face, and I stretch and I feel the soreness and I whince, and then I look down casually at the bed, thinking about sleeping some more and how great that would be, and I see it...that bump...three of them actually...actual sections of my arm disconnected from one another, no longer just a lump connected to my shoulder, but something that moves and works and has pain and gets through it and keeps pushing. And I smile and have the strength, somehow, to get through my day. I've had more energy than I've ever had and more soreness (and I want to say pain, but it rarely is...though my right arm is twinged just a bit) than ever too. It's a strange thing, this body making business. And all I can think to myself is, "Sore is your body's way of saying 'Thank you for your hard work.'"

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MEGSFITNESS 2/10/2011 1:19PM

    You don't have to use that fiendish machine... Does your gym have a cable machine? Just use that instead. No headrush necessary.

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ATREAT4ME 2/10/2011 12:05PM

    How much do I love this post! It is amazing and fantastic. I want my body to have that same opportunity to say thank you. I love that metaphor. It is exactly on target!

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DETERMINED_SOUL 2/10/2011 7:17AM

    You are doing a wonderful job! I have never heard about that site, it sounds intriguing and destructive at the same time. I may at least have to go take a look at it to see what you are talking aobut.

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GETFIT2LIVE 2/9/2011 6:21PM

    Awesome job! You are doing great--congrats on the promotion!!

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 2/9/2011 6:04PM

    I like me some leg presses, but I hate me some leg curls. Goddess, work it out!

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SPUNKYDUCKY 2/9/2011 5:18PM

    I start with my new trainer tomorrow night....pretty sure I am going to need a hot tub too!

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SEEHOLZ 2/9/2011 3:01PM

    Congrats on your raise!

I don't want to do the contract-LOL- something about putting too much pressure on myself which has caused huge havoc on in my life before- I'm all about mindfulness without restriction these days and no, it's not really helping me loose, but I've maintained for over a year and I'm much happier with who I am. I think the idea is great if that's the kind ofthing that will motivate you.

Great workout btw- thanks for the Web MD quote- I don't really use that machine, but my running coach swears by it. There are always 2 sides to the story, huh?

I am surprise the Zumba teacher is still allowed to teach and does not take a time out. I think that's kind of setting a bad example and ruining the class- of course I feel bad for her. Hope her foot recovers ASAP.

I would love myself a hot tub or finnish sauna right about now--- sounds heavenly!

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RIGBY31 2/9/2011 2:03PM

    You are one tough broad! Your workout makes ME sore. (love your Babe ref; I say that to myself, kindly of course).

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GREENLILY 2/9/2011 12:39PM

    Awesome news on the job front E!!! Way to go....

I wish we could see you doing your monologues!!!!

Sounds like your workouts are literally kicking your butt... but good for you for getting down to bizzzzzzzzzzzness!

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GOGOSHIRE 2/9/2011 12:08PM

    I love your workout reports. They make me sweat. For real!

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SARAWALKS 2/9/2011 11:46AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Just remember your own words "perfection is NOT what I'm after - consistency is" - I think you're right to skip the website with the negative $ incentive!

Listening to your body when you're pushing it like this is more important! emoticon

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CALLIKIA 2/9/2011 11:29AM

    Uhm, I don't add any weight to the military press. That's all me with just the barbell. *lol* I know it's pathetic, but I am reading that inclines and the way they distribute the weight are much easier than a completely vertical motion (I was reading the difference between the leg press and squats, but I'm assuming that's true with most all workouts like that.) so maybe that's part of it as well. As far as the pec vs. other muscle issue...that makes complete sense to me. My chest probably has more UMPH than my arms and shoulders upper body strength started out at basically ZERO and has increased since then, so thank you for the input! ;)

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ABURLOCK 2/9/2011 11:16AM

    I know there are lots of different ways to weight train, so ignore my suggestion if this is against your plan (i haven't read enough of your blog to see if you've previously explained...)
I feel like you might be using too much weight with the Military press if you're failing that much before your target. I would say lighten the weight, do 20/12/10/8 until it is too easy, then increase a little.

Also, the incline bench press and the military press use slightly different muscles--you use your pecs in the incline but not in the military.

Congrats on your promotion! and it looks like you're seeing results here, even if it isn't on the scale. I can only hope I move in that direction too!

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COCOMAC7 2/9/2011 11:11AM

    Seriously I LOVE this blog and PS you are totally full of adventure for 2011 just like you wanted!!!!

Boxing, gyming it up till you are aching! It's awesome!!! You have motivated me today! GO YOU!!!!!!!!!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Sleep and Body Changes

Monday, February 07, 2011


Oh, sleep! What a fickle beast you are! I wish you would, for once, remain in some sort of stable, predictable state. Right now, you're as bad as the weather outside. Hot one day, cold the next. Snow in the morning, sunshine and high 40s in the afternoon. It's enough to drive a person crazy!

Let's face it sleeping schedule is ruined. In the past week or so, I was enjoying the fall-asleep-fast effects of pushing my body to its limits. When a 1-hour drive to work is followed by 10-hours working, which is followed by another hour drive to the gym, which is followed by at least an hour working myself to near exhaustion is then followed by cooking dinner and trying to get things like laundry and cleaning done in the final hours before bedtime - a girl hits the pillow and falls fast asleep, thankful to finally get some rest.

Last Wednesday, my husband and I went to dinner for our anniversary. Sure, I had taken off work early around 1pm, but I had then spent over an hour at the gym, warming up, strength training some difficult moves, and then pushing myself into a 30 minute cardio session. When I got home I sat down for about 10 minutes before I had to be up and moving again. I hadn't eaten a lot that day either, trying to save up enough calories and sodium for a dinner out, and I needed to shower and change and then drive the 45 minutes to Parkersburg (because Hubs rarely drives...I'm just better with directions and remembering the roads and figuring out which way to go and all that). When we sat down at the table, I wanted to put my head down and sleep, but I shook myself and tried to focus on the man in front of me and what we'd accomplished together in 9+ years of being together. I ate dinner without guilt, knowing my body needed energy and accepting that this anniversary was one for the record books because we managed to make it through the day without fighting and managed to communicate to one another how strong our love was. After dinner, we went to the mall. I could still feel the burn from my workout as we walked down the suddenly LOOOOONG corridor that is the middle of the mall. I was slow, but I wanted to enjoy this time. After trying clothes on at LB, and getting that happy feeling of fitting into 22s, a size I haven't worn since early high school days, we headed back to the car and over to Home Depot. I admit it, I was beat by this point. I felt like I would pass out from exhaustion at any moment, but Hubs had gone through LB with me, the most I could do was walk around Home Depot with him for a few. When we got out to the car, though, the charade was over. "Can you drive?" I asked politely, and then managed to keep my eyes open enough to help him find his way out of Parkersburg (for those who have been there, you know what a challenge that might be!). Once we were on the freeway, though...I was out. Flipped the switch and was done.

Thursday? Oh, yea...I spent almost the entire day in bed sleeping. My body was done and it let me know that by refusing to get out of bed even to pee! I spent the better part of my day in bed, and the rest of the day running around like a crazy person trying to make up for all the time I had wasted while sleeping. (After I cut myself with a knife in my haste, Hubs insisted I take it easy.)

Saturday was a hard emotional day for me. With Ethan's bad behavior recently and me trying to get through to him in a long drawn-out talk, with tears streaming down my face and my heart breaking as a mother, it was enough to drain a person of all hope. I slept restlessly that night, plagued with nightmares that, at least for me, always come in full-color box-office-magic movie form. People would have paid top dollar to watch my nightmare that night. The story was good, with suspense and mystery and supernatural elements. Fear was was gore. But when your children and loved ones are involved in the action, it makes it difficult to watch. But even though my sleep was a bit restless, it was long and quick coming. After getting the boys' haircut and spending the rest of the day cleaning and doing laundry (again!), I was tired. I stayed up to watch Hubs' UFC fight with him. (I actually enjoy them more now that I can tell more about what's going on following my boxing lesson - I'm sitting there pointing out "Oh, he's left handed!" and "Ooh, this guy is going to have some amazing kicks!" --- btw, that prediction of mine rang true as the guy I said it about defeated his opponent in the 2nd round with a kick to the chin. See! Told ya! *lol*) My body wanted to sleep, but I wanted to stay up...and I won. But as soon as my head hit the pillow, all bets were off.

Last night I expected more of the same. Sure, like Saturday, I didn't get a workout in. Yesterday was a scheduled rest day. I spent some time cleaning the living room, spent more time doing laundry (again! I swear I'm almost caught up! *lol*), and spent some time putting away all the groceries after a long shopping trip (but I still forgot 2-3 things! DOH! *sigh*). I sat down to write out my recipes in a notebook, and then took the time to figure out what meal would fit each day. I watched my team win the Super Bowl and then watched Glee after. When I got back to bed, I felt that familiar "I'm exhausted and ready for sleep feeling." Unfortunately, Hubs didn't feel it. He wanted to chat and snuggle and such...and I gave in because I love spending time with him and because I knew he really wanted that time. But when it was time to roll over and go to sleep - I couldn't. And the thing that was most in my way? My body.

No, seriously, I'm going to rant for a minute, but please understand that I'm not upset about these things...just confused, irked and noting them for future reference.

My body is bonier than ever.
I know, I know - I'm still over 300 pounds. I get that. But I don't EVER remember my body being anything other than plump and round and soft. Now my knees jab me and my hip bone hurts when I lay on my side, and my elbows aren't comfy pillows anymore. My stomach seems to have come up more, and that's causing parts of my leg to be exposed that I'm just not used to. And (boys, close your eyes) - my poor vajayjay hasn't been this exposed for ...well, I just don't remember a time.
My body, while I love the changes it's making, is becoming a bit uncomfortable again.

I know this is temporary. This happened to me when my collarbones came out. I kept brushing against them and felt like my hands were being cut. I had issues with feeling more of the muscles in my leg and feeling some discomfort there. It lasted a few weeks or so and then I grew accustomed to it. Sometimes I purposely brush past my collarbones now because I love the way they feel. And most days those muscles in my leg make me smile. They are my strength. They are what carries me through. And even if no one else sees the power in these legs, just feeling it is enough to put a smile on my face.

Well, it seems that now I've hit another period of adjustment. My hands. My hips. My RIBS! (Seriously?) I can't say I'm surprised that I'm a little unnerved by the changes...I knew that was coming even though nobody seems to talk about it (the only mention I've ever heard is from my mother, who says roller coasters are no longer any fun because they whip her around too much and it hurts her boney body). But I never expected it to happen so soon, and so often...and in stages. I mean, I guess it's better that way...but it takes periods of adjustment to get used to where I am.

I'm going to admit something to all of you right here and right now...
Sometimes I'm afraid of losing too fast.

There...I said it.
It's not as often as the fear of losing too slow...but it's there like this small doubt in the back of my mind.

The changes can scare me a bit.
What's with the change in my sleeping patterns?
What am I supposed to do now that I rarely get sick? Can I trust that or is it a fluke?
Why does my body keep poking me?


Yep, I say that a lot. Hubs laughs at me. He laughed at me Wednesday when I told him that my jeans were hurting my "special place" because my stomach doesn't act as the big buffer it once was.

TMI? Sorry! Truth? Absolutely!
How do you skinny people do it?
Do jeans ever get comfortable again? I used to live in the things, and now I'm considering giving them up! Am I going to be one of those people who wears dresses all the time now? WTF?!

This whole business of losing a lot of weight is an interesting journey, to say the least. Sure, there are the things people talk about - the increased energy, the better skintone, the improved digestion. But what about the stuff people don't mention? What about the fact that I can't seem to trust my body for longer than 5 seconds because it keeps changing on me?! Case in point - the size 22 trouser pants I bought Wednesday night? I put them on this morning and they felt as loose as the 24s felt that night. Fluke? Am I just having a "skinny day?" How can fat girls have skinny days? None of this makes any sense to me.

I'm just going with the flow for now. I'm just making mental notes of the changes that happen and reminding myself that they're all happening to make me into the lean, fit, healthy person I always wanted to be, and always could have been with the right effort put behind it.

But still...WTF, dude?!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RIGBY31 2/8/2011 5:43PM

    They should have a pamphlet for woman in our situation (like pre-teens get): What to Expect When Your Body Changes.

LB + HomeDepot = True Love (Happy Anniversary!)

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MEGSFITNESS 2/8/2011 11:13AM

    I put on an old stand-by (read: favorite) bra the other day and it was gapping so bad I could swear it wasn't mine and must've gotten switched at the laundromat. Crazy, no?

There are days where I walk around lamenting everything about my body and there are days where I walk around with a haughty carriage because I know I look good. The adjustments are temporary and you are definitely going in the right direction.

For the record: I love jeans.

Also for the record: Stuff from LB has crazy amounts of stretch. Try washing your jeans in cold and dry them on high heat and they should shrink up for you.

Also Also... When you switch to denim WITHOUT stretch (as I recently have) It's a whole new adjustment to how the fabric fits and moves and adjusts. It's so restrictive without stretch! But man.. when it fits? It looks damn good.

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SWELL10 2/7/2011 11:13PM

    The other night I was laying on my side and thought my pj shirt was bunched up under my side because something was hurting me.... turns out it was my rib! Boy that's a new one! I've now found rib bones, wrist bones, hip bones and cool thigh muscles (when I hold my leg up. Its wild!!!

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KITHKINCAID 2/7/2011 7:30PM

    Not only do jeans get more comfortable and beautiful, other things get comfortable, like skirts and tights and boots. So awesome. Hang in there - the pain is temporary!

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TKPHOTOGIRL 2/7/2011 3:00PM

  Becoming aware of bones has freaked me out too- the week I got my wristbones back I must have taken a clumsy pill because I managed to get some great bruises, and lying down in the bath is not comfortable because my spine isn't as insulated as it used to be! It feels alien for a while, then it suddenly clicks (not literally, lol!) and becomes normal. Bodies are just weird

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ATREAT4ME 2/7/2011 1:57PM

    I agree with the whole bony bit. And I also love my newly-visible collar bones! It is just going to take adjusting. Deep breath.

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SARAWALKS 2/7/2011 1:53PM

    emoticon emoticon
Don't know what it's like to feel squishy! And when I have, I haven't really liked it, I like feeling the angles and the firmness. You'll adjust! Size 22, emoticon
I'm not crazy about jeans & I shop for the lighter weight ones, preferably with some stretch.
They do look good but they are not my choice for comfort, that's for sure!

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RUSSELLORAMA 2/7/2011 1:28PM

    "Special place" *snort*

It can be weird to feel sharp points and angles where it used to be soft and fluffy, but I am determined to get used to that. I'll still have curves and squishy spots, just less of them!

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GREENLILY 2/7/2011 11:35AM

    You're candor is so refreshing E... Definitely makes me smile... Weight loss and body changes... tough yet rewarding in ways, yet somehow strange... I find myself thinking some of these things from time to time... but you post them and get them out there!!

I live in my jeans... Not sure how I would be without them, when the time comes... Perhaps I'll invest in a pair of "stretch" jeans....

We could always go for the PAJAMAJEANS!!! HAHAHAHA... So not happening...

E... You rock.

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TIGERJANE 2/7/2011 9:58AM

    I love the honesty and humor in your blogs. As for jeans - they're not comfortable. I take 'em off as soon as I get hone and put on pj pants or workout pants. Denim is too stiff, with a thick seam right between your legs. No, not comfy.

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-SHIMMER-ANN- 2/7/2011 9:43AM

    BAHAHAHAHA, "Jeans hurt my special place." I'm sorry, but that's funny :P They are sometimes uncomfortable for us "skinny chicks," but we don't tough it out...we buy new jeans!! Ever heard a skinny chick whine about how hard it is to find good jeans?? Lol!

As for the other aches and pains, yeah...we suffer those, but it's ALWAYS been that way. My elbow has never been a pillow, so I don't miss it. And my hips actually don't hurt at all when I lie on that could be a product of how much exercising you are up to. Same with the ribs...ever heard of chostocondritis (sp)? You may want to check it out.

Anyway, you're totally adorable...and I LOVE the clothing pics from your last blog! Keep it going!!!!

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TURCOTTEP 2/7/2011 9:27AM

  No joke

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Weigh-In: Family Madness Edition

Sunday, February 06, 2011

Weigh-In Day

Weight Last Week: 333.0
Weight Goal for This Week: 331.0
Actual Weight This Week: 330.6
Weight Loss/Gain This Week: -2.4 pounds!

First of all - YAY! Second of all, I was not exactly perfect this week, so that just goes to prove that streaking is really important in case things happen that stunt your progress for the week. Finally, I'm a little confused...

Let's review the week, shall we? Here were my fitness plans:

Sunday - 1 hour private boxing lesson. I will sweat today. I will make sure of that. CT King has full permission to kick my arse into gear!

It was an awesome experience! I felt like I learned so much, and yet, there is still so much to learn. It was fun and painful at times, and I sweated like a hog on a spit! *lol* We're set for another hour-long appointment at the end of this month. *big grin*

Monday - Shoulders & Forearms
5 minute cardio warm-up
Military Presses - 4 sets - reps: 20/12/10/8
One Arm Cross Cable Laterals - 4 sets - reps: 20/12/10/8
Seated Reverse Barbell Wrist Curls - 3 sets - reps: 16/14/14
Cardio follow-up of at least 30 minutes

5 minute warm-up on elliptical
Military Presses - 4 sets - reps: 12/10/10/8 with bar only (45 pounds)
One Arm Cross Cable Laterals - 4 sets - reps: 16/12/12/10 - wt: 20/25/30/35
Seated Reverse Barbell Wrist Curls - 3 sets - reps: 6/10/12 - with 8 lb dumbbell instead
Follow up of 20 minutes of Racquetball

Yep, I'm giving myself a sticker for it. I did the best I could on sets and reps. I adjusted to a dumbbell when I couldn't complete the wrist curls with a 45-lb barbell, instead of just giving up. And that 20 minutes of racquetball took me to the point of exhaustion. I had just enough energy left to come home and make dinner.

I also signed Hubs up for the gym. I sent a call out to him on my way home, telling him I really needed a spotter for my new workouts. My options were to either have him come down and help or ask someone at the gym. It was great working out with him, although he wasn't too sure about what he wanted to do (I hope someday he starts making a plan like I do! *lol*).

Tuesday - Legs & Calves
5 minute cardio warm-up (or Zumba)
Front Squats - 4 sets - reps: 16/14/12/12
Straight Leg Deadlift - 4 sets - reps: 16/14/12/12
Reverse Calf Raises - 4 sets - reps: 20/16/16/16
(I may also add my leg press machine in, because I really enjoy it!)
Cardio follow-up of at least 15 minutes
(I may do Zumba first, followed by this ST routine, but I need to follow up with a little cardio after, even if it's just 10 or 15 minutes)

45 minutes of Zumba
Front Squats - 4 sets - reps: 16/14/12/12 - with 45-lb barbell, no added weight
Straight Leg Deadlift - 4 sets - reps: 5/10/10/10 - with 45-lb barbell only
Reverse Calf Raises - 4 sets - reps: 20/16/16/16 - 0 lbs of added weight
Leg Press Machine - 2 sets - reps: 15/15 - weight 270
STRETCHING! (I had forgotten a lot of that on Monday. OOPS!)

Yep, I'm getting one of those. Hubs came Tuesday night too, and when he met me after Zumba he was super sweaty. Apparently he found the cardio setting on the treadmill, which automatically adjusts the incline and speed for you to give you a good 15-minute workout. It was so cute to see him out of breath and HAPPY about it! ;) I think he may have caught the bug. Unfortunately, he caught another bug, so it became difficult for him to push through the illness in his first week. :/

Wednesday - Chest
5 minute cardio warm-up
Barbell Incline Bench Press - 4 sets - reps: 16/12/10/8
Flat Bench Dumbbell Fly - 3 sets - reps: 12/10/8
Cardio follow up of at least 45 minutes, hoping for 60 minutes. I think I'll hit a cardio gym circuit with the elliptical, treadmill, rowing and boxing (using the techniques I use today).

5 minute warm-up on Elliptical
Barbell Incline Bench Presses - 4 sets - reps: 16/12/10/8 @ 45-lbs
Flat Bench Dumbbell Fly - 3 sets - reps: 12/10/8
20 minutes on the Treadmill for 1.14 miles total (about 18 min/mile)
10 minutes on the punching bags practicing my boxing

Yep, I get it even though I did only 30 minutes instead of 45. I had to work up to 30 after weight-lifting this week, and it was a major accomplishment and I felt super tired. Hubs wasn't able to join me this night, so I did these all by myself and met every rep goal. I was already feeling much stronger, even though I'd been sore since Sunday and it wasn't letting up at all! *lol*

Thursday - REST
I think I'm just going to let myself have this rest day, no questions asked. I work both jobs anyhow that day, so it will be a full 15-hour day for me.

I took rest to a whole new level. I got sick. I had to call off both jobs and spend most of the day in bed. There was a point where I was feeling a tiny bit better throughout the day and I felt like I should be doing something - so I started cooking like a fiend and cleaning until I cut myself and Hubs insisted that I just CHILL OUT! *lol* I told him that it didn't feel right, not doing anything. I feel like I needed to fill the space - and there was so much here that still needed to be done anyhow. I got a bunch of laundry done and cooked and cleaned some in the kitchen before giving into his wishes and going back to bed to rest.

Friday - Back & Calves
5 minute cardio warm-up
Hyperextensions* - 4 reps - sets: 20/12/10/8
Wide Grip Chins to Front* - 3 sets - reps: 12/10/8
Calf Raises on Leg Press Machine - 4 sets - reps: 20/16/16/16
Cardio follow-up of at least 45 minutes.

Let me start off by saying, everything was screwed up. Hubs was supposed to come with me, but I forgot my Dr.'s appointment and had to reschedule and by the time I was done, it was too late and he felt he needed to get to work, so I had to gym-it by myself. Plus, he had my iPhone and I had no access to my workouts, so I had to go from memory.

I did my 6 minute warm-up on the treadmill, starting out at 3.2 or so, then increasing .2 every minute or so until I spent the last minute RUNNING at around a 4.2-4.5 pace (I don't really remember...I didn't want to make TOO much of a deal out of it - the DOING it felt amazing!)

For the hyperextensions, I had to substitute the back extension machine (because my stomach gets in the way of the hyperextension bench) - 4 sets - reps: 20/16/14/12 @ 170/180/190/200 pounds.

For the Wide Grip Chins to Front, I tried leg lifts on the Captain's was sad. 2 sets - reps 5/1. Yep, that's it. That was to the point of failure. I guess it means I only have improvement to do from here!

Calf Raises on Leg Press Machine - 4 sets - reps: 20/16/14/12 @ 270/290/320/340
Leg Presses too at the same weight and reps/sets.
Crunches on Ab Recline Bench - 4 sets - reps: 20/16/14/12 with 8, then 10 lb medicine ball, leaning back further with each set to get more of a burn.
3 minutes (or less *lol*) on the Stair Step machine (Yep, I *do* hate you!) followed by rowing for 7 minutes (oh, how I miss being able to do 12-15 minutes on this thing!) and then HIIT for 18 minutes on the elliptical. I set it on interval training, and for every 3 minutes, I did 1 minute at full possible speed (about 180-210). I was BEAT by 18 minutes.
I then stretched for about 10 minutes with my yoga moves.

I totally earned that sticker!

Saturday - Triceps & Biceps
5 minute cardio warm-up
Tricep Cable Pushdowns - sets 4 - reps: 16/12/10/8
Lying Cross Face Triceps Extensions - 4 sets - reps: 16/12/10/8
Standing Dumbbell Curls - 4 sets - reps: 16/12/10/8
Lying Dumbbell Curls - 4 sets - reps: 16/12/10/8
Cardio follow-up of at least 30 minutes
(I'll probably put in some planks and push-ups in here too)

This is where it all fell apart. We found out at Logan's basketball game that Ethan's been stealing money out of Hubs' wallet, which caused Ethan to have a full-on tantrum in the gym, hiding from me, and then running away and hiding. It was horrible. By the time we left the game, I wanted to still go to the gym...I started driving there, but then I realized that this problem needed to be dealt with immediately, and I drove back home. We had a long talk in the car, he apologized to everyone for his recent acting-out, and Hubs and I missed our sacred gym-time together. It was a difficult day.

No goal met sticker. I'm really sad about it, because I almost hit every single day this week. But this is an improvement, so I'm just going to have to take it and build upon that.

It's hard when family gets in the way.
As far as eating...I did fine Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday I didn't eat much saving up for our Anniversary dinner, and then went over my calories anyhow, but had an amazing meal with the Hubs following a stupid and silly fight the day before. Thursday was a little off because I was sick. Friday was crap as I started eating junk food, and Saturday...well, let's just not talk about yesterday, alright? It was a HARD day.

Still, I ended up 6 for 7 for fitness, and 4 for 7 eating wise (I still did alright on Thursday, it's just my eating was off). I need to work on improvements for this next week.

As for the program. I've been sore ALL week, but I seriously like this plan. It makes me feel powerful. Hubs asked me what masochist came up with this schedule at one point. *lol* But then later he commented on the arm muscles he was already seeing, and I noticed that my abs are starting to pull out some definition's starting to flatten a bit and I know there are muscles under there just waiting to come out!

As far as my other goals, I've been too stressed about working out finances to purchase much of anything beyond Hubs' anniversary gift, the internet issues have kept me from writing any articles or starting my blog, I did get a menu plan together for next week which has a bunch of new recipes, and I've upped my water intake to a more acceptable level again. I'm getting's taking time, though.

Goals for next week.

Sunday - Rest day.
We need to do the grocery shopping today and I need to get a few meals together prep-wise and maybe cook a couple if there's time.

Monday - Shoulders & Forearms
5 minute cardio warm-up
Military Presses - 4 sets - reps: 20/12/10/8
Standing Lateral Raises - 4 sets - reps: 20/14/12/10
Behind the Back Barbell Wrist Curls - 3 sets - reps: 16/14/14
I'm going to sub out my follow-up cardio for a 40 minute walk on my lunch break, because I have a practice for my Vagina Monologues performance at 7:30pm at the library. I have to hurry through the weight-lifting exercises just to be sure I get them all done before I have to leave.

Tuesday - Legs & Calves
45 minute Zumba
Leg Presses - 4 sets - reps: 16/14/12/12
Single Machine Leg Curls - 4 sets - reps: 16/14/12/12
Incline Seated Calf Raises - 4 sets - reps: 20/16/16/16
10 minute cardio follow-up
I'd love to get the reps in first, but I doubt that will happen. I have to work with the time I'm given and do the best I can. By the time I get there, Zumba's about to start...and I don't want to miss Zumba.

Wednesday - Chest
5 minute cardio warm-up
Dumbbell Incline Presses - 4 sets - reps: 16/12/10/8
Barbell Flat Bench Presses - 3 sets - reps: 12/10/8
Follow up with 30-45 minutes of cardio (including boxing)

Thursday - Rest Day

Friday - Back & Calves
5 minute cardio warm-up
Seated Cable Rows - 4 sets - reps: 20/12/10/8
Close Grip Chins* - 3 sets - 12/10/8
Machine Standing Calf Raises - 4 sets - reps: 20/16/16/16
Follow up of 30-45 minutes of Cardio OR 20 minutes of HIIT
* I probably can't do these, so I'll probably work in the Captain's Chair again...we'll see.

Saturday - Triceps & Biceps
5 minute cardio warm-up
Lying Triceps Extensions - 4 sets - reps: 16/12/10/8
One Arm Triceps Extensions - 4 sets - reps: 16/12/10/8
Standing Dumbbell Curls - 4 sets - reps: 16/12/10/8
Dumbbell Preacher Curls - 4 sets - reps: 16/12/10/8
45 minutes of Cardio

emoticon Stretch after each set, after ST, after Cardio. STRETCH!
emoticon Eat within calorie range of 1710-2060.
emoticon Drink 10-12 cups of water per day.
emoticon Save money! No useless spending.
emoticon Figure out internet issues and start blogging and writing.
emoticon Work on Monologues and start memorizing.
emoticon Cut out the sweets and junk food Friday nights!
emoticon Protein shakes between weight-lifting and cardio.*

*I'm trying this out. Yes, I bought is said on that if you're going to do your cardio after your weight-lifting, it might be helpful to get a little protein power in between through these shakes if you're lifting more than 125 pounds, which I am on leg days.

This is week 2 of this 8-week program. So far so good. I'm sore all the time, but at least I know I'm DOING something again.

Weight Goal for next week: *gulp* 228.6
Oh, I do hope I get this. I haven't seen the other side of 330 for more than a day, and I'm so anxious to get there. My whole family keeps reminding me that 298 isn't so far off...and I can't wait to see here I go, trying to make progress and make this happen for me. I'm also seriously hoping that my next weigh-in with my insurance program will have me back to more FFM (fat-free mass) than fat-mass. Hopefully I'm building STRONG muscles that will really help me along the way to reach my goals and see myself at thinner than I have been since high school!

One final note about this week. I had a little victory at Lane Bryant (Hubs and I went to the mall after dinner on our anniversary...I desperately need new work pants!). I grabbed a pair of 24 and a pair of 26 pants, and figured I'd try the 24s first. They were too big! I had to have Hubs run off and get me 22s, which fit beautifully! So YAY for seeing sizes I haven't seen since high school (even if the number on the scale is lagging so far behind!)! Also tried on a super cute shirt, but I didn't have the money to get it. *pouts* It was a 22/24 too. I did take a picture though! ;)

I'd need one of those smoothing shirts underneath, but it's SOO cute! I'm so sad I didn't get it...maybe I can get Hubs to buy it for me! *lol* Or maybe I'll just see if it goes on sale/clearance at the end of the month...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    Wow, look at everything that you are getting done! That is just inspiring to me dearie! Keep up the fantastic work... and I agree... you NEED that outfit because it is cute!

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ATREAT4ME 2/7/2011 8:35AM

    Congratulations on such a successful week! I know there were rough parts, and I'm sorry you had go to through them, but I am very proud of how you kept sight of your ultimate goal all week. And, how awesome it is for you to know when gym must come first and when it is time to turn the car around and put family first. Yes, that juggling act is really tough. So double kuddos to you for gettin' it done! You look beautiful in the picture. I remain impressed with your plans and hope that my training session will yield a similar plan. I know you'll do great this week. Keep up the good work!

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SPUNKYDUCKY 2/7/2011 12:54AM

    Looks pretty fantastic on you! Congrats on your success this week despite some stressors. I agree 298 is not that far away, but 328 is pretty awesome too!

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    you have amazing goals! I'm glad you liked your PT boxing session. thats still something I need to try, too!

sounds like your ST program is working reallllly well for you!!!
::runs off to check


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DASH2011 2/6/2011 6:02PM

    ooh ooh oooh!!!! i love that shirt! i love you loss of 2.4# this week!!! SEXYYYYY!!!!!!!

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HEIDIC75 2/6/2011 5:46PM

    that shirt looks great on you.. but saving the money was a good idea because in another couple of weeks the shirt is going to be to big for you any ...might as well wait because you will find something you like more are an inspiration for me. your work out session are great emoticon

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PELESJEWEL 2/6/2011 2:49PM

    emoticon You've had a great week with both a scale 2.4 lbs drop & non-scale victory with the size 22's. Dropping sizes is a sign that you are losing the fat, so be proud of you. Your body is changing right before your eyes!Woo Hoo!

Comment edited on: 2/6/2011 5:25:52 PM

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TEAWONDERFUL 2/6/2011 2:41PM

    You sound like you are doing great. Keep it up. Those goals sound great I'm working on a lot of similar ones. Have a great week!

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    You are making changes that will stick! Don't let life get in your way and don't beat yourself up over it when it does! You are an inspiration!! emoticon

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KITHKINCAID 2/6/2011 2:33PM

    That outfit is ADORABLE on you. OK - I don't have THAT particular shirt, but I have some others that are like it that are in my giveaway bags right now, so I'm totally sending some more stuff your way. You have to have work outfits!

Congrats on the 22 pants!

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RUSSELLORAMA 2/6/2011 2:04PM

    Your training is totally inspiring me today! I really miss hitting that ST hard. Well that's changing this week!

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MAGSA10 2/6/2011 1:54PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ALYSSABORAN 2/6/2011 1:02PM

    Keep it up! emoticon

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MICHELLESMILES_ 2/6/2011 12:55PM

    You look fantastic! Congrats on your weight loss!

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 2/6/2011 12:51PM

    What's up pretty girl? I love that pic of you! I'm going to manifest super cheap airfare so you can come and play with Becky and I at the Mall of America! I love how focused you are, and I'm REALLY looking forward to that new magic number next week!!!

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ASHBUG1 2/6/2011 12:51PM

    doing good girl
keep it up always good to be able to get a smaller size

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