Uncharted Randomnimity

Thursday, January 27, 2011

I'm feeling completely random today, so here's what you get...

1) I'm thinking of coloring my hair. The options that are fighting in my head are jet black or more red. Everyone I know says "EW!" when I say I want black, but I'm feeling so Rock-N-Roll Rockstar lately. I want dark hair and dark makeup and a tatt. I want to play that role for a while. I'm going shopping down the hair color aisle on my break. *big grin* If I could afford the salon time I'd probably get it relaxed, jet black with a blond streak in the front, LONG layers and thinned. Yes, that's how I'm feeling lately. There's a power, and yet a vulnerability, behind all the women I've seen with this coloring and I want that for me.

2) Speaking of tattoos, I have always wanted one and now I've put it on my list for this year. I actually went to get it years ago but the tattoo artist looked at me crazy when I told him what I wanted, asked me to give him a few days, and then NEVER called me back. I have to admit, I was sure it was because he didn't want to tattoo a fat chick that looks like a good little Christian girl. *shrug* A friend in Columbus, however, recommended me using her guy and it sounds like a great idea. I actually finding a really good idea for a (small) second tattoo as well, so I may get the small one first. (Cuz I'm a baby! *lol*)

3) The wifi I use at work is so spotty it is driving me NUTS! I've been trying for days to start an online blog and to write articles for my husband's news site and I keep getting blocked from doing anything by connectivity issues. GRRRR!

4) Oh, the stuff you actually want to hear -- I did work out last night. I set the treadmill to the cardio mode (20 minutes) at level 1. I had no CLUE why I was breathing hard and hurting so much at a 3.2 speed when I do that or above all the time...until I realized it was making my walk UPHILL with the incline setting. *lol* The 3.5 literally felt like nearly running downhill it was so much quicker to me than the uphill. I'm going to try to fit this into my routine and see if I can work up in the levels. After the treadmill, I did a bunch of ST. Much of what I did on Monday, so I won't repeat it here. I pushed myself to do a few extra sets and actually ended up doing about 45 minutes of ST. I then hopped on the elliptical to finish my 30 minutes, actually doing 15 minutes to round out the routine. I stretched a lot in between everything because the soreness has been a bit overwhelming. I'm doing fine, just remembering now what it feels like to work yourself sore.

5) My head quote for the day..."My boobs are getting bigger and my waist is getting smaller...Holy inconceivable proportions, Batman! I'm turning into Barbie!" ;)

6) The struggle over finances is taking a toll on my "Year of Adventures" plan. I haven't planned a single race yet because money is so tight. I'm actually up for promotion, have been approved internally and everything, we're just in holding pattern waiting for the state to get it's hind in gear and put it through. So glad I saved my Vegas winnings, because that will be used Sunday for my private boxing lesson. Still, we're going to have to think "outside the box" to find some things which aren't so pricey and yet still allow me to have the adventures I want this year... This is especially true considering my friend's wedding has gone from "a couple days in Utah" to a day or two in Vegas, followed by a few days in Utah, followed by a couple possible more days in Vegas...plus two plane tickets for Hubs and I (the boys are going to be SO angry they aren't going, yet again...but I can't take an 11-year-old and a (then) 9-year-old to Vegas! WTF?! Mommy wants to have a LITTLE fun! I never had a bachelorette party, so I'm living vicariously through others.). Don't worry...I'm looking into creative ways to make more money at home in the evenings or on the weekends. I'll figure it out...

7) Tomorrow is round 2 of Family Game Night. I don't know when it came about or how, but I suggested it and everyone grabbed on to the idea. Even Hubs is looking forward to it! (I'm bribing him every Friday with pizza and beer! *lol*) We turn off the TV and computer and iPhone and we all sit around the coffee table in the living room and play a board game (we may actually add in Kinect family games too) and eat pizza and drink beer (for the adults) and soda (for the kids) and forget about every other obligation in the world for just one moment. I can't tell you how much I've been looking forward to this all week. For just one night I spend uninterrupted time with all 3 of my boys, we have a great time, have family stories to share later, and everyone gets something out of it. Last week we played Monopoly, which Hubs won evenhandedly once he began owning the entire board. The deal is - winner picks the next week's game. I was so scared, but then Hubs picked Scrabble! Serious love for Scrabble from this English graduate! :) I hope to beat all 3 of my boys with my eyes shut and my hands tied behind my back! (Oh, yeah...trash talking began LAST Friday, immediately following the announcement of this week's game.) Slight issue right now is that we only have those 2 games, a set of dice for Farkel (sp?) and a deck of playing cards (if Ethan hasn't lost any)...so besides the Kinect we'll be out of choices VERY soon. I've added a few more family board games to the Amazon Wishlist, and, if necessary, can pick some up for not too much at Wal-Mart.

8) Speaking of family game night and beer... *lol* Last week I went shopping for wine at The Wine Shop near my work. It's in the farmer's market building where I go to get my homemade fresh chicken salad and veggie salads and granola and other yummies. Since my friend was late (as usual), I started wandering around the place and found a whole beer section. I picked up a mixed 6-pack for the Hubs and I. The idea of doing a wine tasting with Hubs has always fit into my mind, but never his...but a beer tasting? Now THAT is something he can get behind! I got him 3 heavier beers, including one from South Africa, and got me 2 pale ales and a Blueberry Beer! NOM! We were supposed to drink them last Friday but we both totally forgot! *lol* This week, however, it's ON! I'll let you know how it goes...

9) A girl at work has begun calling me "the Incredible Shrinking Woman." I appreciate the compliment, but incredible has nothing to do with all the hard work I've put in the past 8 months! *lol* I have to say, I've been having a serious case of fathead lately. This is really odd for me, because I never used to see myself as as fat as I was. If anything, I had skinny-head syndrome for the longest time. There were times when I couldn't understand why people looked at me the way they did and other times when I'd say, "Now she's bigger than me, right?!" and point to someone across the room. (I have to say that Hubs was starting to have a difficult time answering me on that one...sad...) I just didn't SEE myself the way others did. Now that I've taken stock of my body and started taking full-length pictures of myself for posterity and what not, I'm starting to understand how fat-head syndrome works.

The other day I was watching an episode of Heavy with Hubs. I pointed to the woman on the screen and said, "That's how big I look still." Hubs had to disagree with me immediately. Maybe it was the way I USED to look, but not anymore. I wasn't that big anymore. Still, this belly gets me EVERY time, and I'm having a huge problem not seeing myself as HUGE just because the belly isn't gone yet. (And by belly, I don't mean a bit of pudge...I mean the huge stomach apron that still graces the front of my body...sometimes I feel like I'm carrying a toddler around my waist, no lie.)

I am proud to report, however, that this morning I was in the bathroom at work and I had to take stock in how slim I look from the side now. I know that next Tuesday I'll be taking pictures again for the first of February, and I'm really hoping that will help break some of the fat-head out of me. I'm not skinny. HELL NO! But I'm not as fat as I think I am. I no longer weigh 466 pounds...lately, that's been hard to believe. Not sure why...

Mmkay, I'm going to leave you with that then. Gonna go grab a Lean Pocket and some Healthy Choice Soup. Yes, I have been eating prepared foods in an effort to cut down on money spent on fresh food. It sucks, but I'm biting that bullet and hoping that with the large amount I still have to lose, I will continue to see results even with the added sodium intake.

Ooh, one final thing. It makes it an even 10, so that helps the Monk part of me feel better...

10) Honey Garlic Pork Chops. Seriously, search for these in Spark Recipe and MAKE THEM! They are AMAZING and only have 4 ingredients! My youngest son (the pickiest eater) was the first to taste them and in his words, "Oh my gosh! These are AMAZING! I want these to go on the list. We can make them once a week!!" *lol* Everyone loved them, although clean-up is a bit of a pain as the honey, when cooked, can become like glue. Still, soak the pan and you'll be good to go no problem. SO good. Highly recommend. I'm pretty sure I had dreams of Honey Garlic Pork Chops last night.

=D

Plan for tonight:
Leave work at 3:30pm (YAYAYAYAYAYAY!!)
Eye doctor appointment at 4:30pm (yes, it takes that long to get there)
Then a workout at the gym before heading home to catch up on MASS amounts of laundry overflowing since the pipes were clogged when I got back from Vegas (Hubs finally fixed it on Saturday, but I was out of town for the weekend. Can't WAIT to have clean underwear again! ;) ...totally kidding, people. I've got tons of underwear so I've been good in that department.)
Might see if there are any movies at the Redbox or just watch TV like a slob because I haven't seen more than an hour of TV all week. *lol*

Tomorrow:
Breakfast with the Hubs, our own special, private time. (I swear, if they cancel school I WILL hurt someone...we need our time!)
Grocery shopping (ooh, menu planning - something else I need to get done tonight)
45m Cardio and 45m ST
And then Family Game Night that night with the boys

Saturday:
60m Cardio workout and then nothing planned.
OMG, that sounds great to hear me say!!!!

Sunday:
Private boxing lesson in Charleston at 3pm with AM!! I CAN'T WAIT!!

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Streaking

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

SORE. That's what I am.

I pushed through a semi-difficult workout on Monday and then hammered myself through a tough Zumba class last night. And, according to Hubs, all I've been able to say for 2 days is, "OMG! I'm SO sore!"

Now, let me say this - it's good sore. Those of you in the know know exactly what I mean.

It's sore from working out well.
It's sore from challenging my muscles to give just a little more.
It's sore from muscle tearing...I never thought I'd hope for tearing.
It's sore from the process of building a new leaner, stronger model of this here body of mine.

I'm not mad about it. Not at all. In fact, there's a slight smirk on my face when I tell you now that I am SORE!

I've been away way too long and had forgotten what this felt like. For a while, I wasn't getting to sore. My muscles were adjusting to my routine and I was having to find new and different ways to challenge them. But now that I've been away from the gym, from crunches and ST, from elliptical machines and Zumba - the result is soreness. But I'm good with that.

My plan for the week, remember, is:
Monday - 30 minutes Cardio / 30 minutes ST
Tuesday - Zumba
Wednesday - 30 minutes Cardio / 30 minutes ST
Thursday - Line Dancing/Zumba
Friday - 45 minutes Cardio / 45 minutes ST
Saturday - 60 minutes cardio, minimum

2 little stickers and I'm a happy girl.

This morning I packed my bag for the gym without thinking, like I always do...but I actually said out loud, "I don't know if I'll be working out tonight because I'm so sore."

It took me exactly 2 minutes to tell myself how ridiculous I was for thinking that. Right now it's all about the streak. I need to build upon those two days. I need to, just once, complete the plan I set out for myself. Even if it's something very low impact like yoga. And even if I need to split up the 30 minutes into 2 x 15 minute sets of cardio and ST, it still counts. Even if I do a somewhat light walk around the indoor track or on the treadmill for 30 minutes, it still counts. Even if I have to do 3 x 10 minute stints...it STILL counts.

Tonight is not about killing myself.
Tonight is not about beating myself up.
Tonight is not about being that mean Jillian Michaels version of me.

Tonight is all about the streak.
And I mean that both ways. It's about feeling good naked - my reason for continuing to follow the plan, and about keeping the drive alive - and my need to just do it, even if I have to back off and just focus on time instead of intensity.

Tonight is all about the .

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Follow-Through

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

...this is the word I'm echoing in my head this week. Planning I can do. Even in my darkest moments, I can plan up a storm. I have grand schemes and ideas and dreams, and I can sit down for hours and write out just HOW I plan to get from point A to point B. The problem, at least lately, has been follow-through.

In my blog yesterday, I set this plan:

Workout Plan for the week of January 24th-29th
Monday - 30 minutes Cardio / 30 minutes ST
Tuesday - Zumba
Wednesday - 30 minutes Cardio / 30 minutes ST
Thursday - Line Dancing/Zumba
Friday - 45 minutes Cardio / 45 minutes ST
Saturday - 60 minutes cardio, minimum

I can now proudly report that I have earned my first for the week!

Last night, at around 4pm or so, the usual "how to get out of going to the gym" excuses started in my head. I heard them, but I refused to listen. I was going. Period. And apparently, simply turning the voice on mute did me well. After work I drove to my gym, I swiped my card without thinking I had to for the insurance program, and I retreated to the locker room to put on my power gear.

FYI - Power Gear = Workout Clothes

The gym was crowded, yet that didn't stop me. I looked around -- treadmills all taken, my two favorite ellipticals in use, my backup elliptical occupied, and the rowing machine was in full row. No worries. I filled my water bottle and walked to the first open machine I could find. It worked out it was an elliptical machine, one of the models I generally shy away from because they tend to get noisy. I didn't care. I put on my headphones, set my music to simply shuffle, started with Apocolyptica's version of Unforgiven and set the machine to the cross training function with the big hill in the middle. Time set: 30 minutes.

For the first time in a long time, I was quickly powering through my workout. I didn't really notice the time until about 20 minutes in...or, what I mean is, I didn't check to see "how much longer?" until about 20 minutes in (lately it's been about 2 minutes in and I want to go home!). I powered through and ended up with a 30 minute workout and 5 minute cool down that I could be proud of.

35 Minutes
Cross Training 2
2.19 Miles
4277 Steps
Average Pace of about 135
427.9 calories burned

I walked around the track a few times to get my legs back under me, and then stretched and checked the time before I started strength training. 30 minutes is what I promised myself. I started on the cable machine with lat and tricep work and when I got bored with that I moved on to another part of the gym. I did squats with one of those exercise balls behind me. 2 sets of 15. I did 16 walking lunges (on each leg) with the 6 pound medicine ball in my hands. And then I got bored again. I carried the 6 pound medicine ball to the ab reclining bench. I tried not to stress that I could only do 2 sets of 20 crunches and a set of 20 twist crunches before I was beat...I guess it really has been a while (I used to do 150 crunches a night)! Instead of beating myself up, I moved on. I did 2 sets of 15 modified pushups and tried not to harp on the fact that I had once been up to 10 regular because modified were getting too easy...I'll get back there again.

I checked the clock. Crap! Only 15 minutes? I was sure it had been more than that! Okay...what now? I went down stairs and got on the leg press machine. 2 sets of 15 with a 35 pound weight on each side. Calf raises too, three different ways, 15 each set. Then shoulder presses with the dumbells followed by bicep curls.

Dang! Still 5 minutes left. I moved on again...back extension machine - three sets. 130-160-180 increasing weight. And while that last bit really did take up my time, I decided I wasn't QUITE done yet. I promised to work my hip. I promised myself that I would do it in the hopes of getting back to running. 1-2 weeks of hip strength training, I told myself, and I could try to run again. I saw the I RUN BondiBand on my head in the mirror and resolved to get in some hip training. I went to the hip machine that would work the specific muscle I knew needed work and did 3 more sets - increasing the weight from 60-70-80.

A long stretch later and I realized that I had not only followed-through with what I had set out to do, I'd done just a little bit extra.

Total tally for last night: 35 minutes Cardio, 35 minutes ST

And while it may seem silly to be so happy about one night, I have to keep reminding myself that each step is important. As I look at the JLo boxing picture on my desktop at work, and as I look at my new page background, I'm reminded that it's not about boob size and what other people think about how I look - it's all about how I want to feel. Sure, I'd love to have JLo's butt and Tara Wood's (the girl in the new background) shoulders, but what I love about these pictures is the feeling of strength that comes through them. The determination in their eyes. The confidence that shines through Tara's eyes. The power behind those gloves, even. I want to feel like Wonder Woman more than I want to look like her, if that makes sense.

So each time I do a leg press or get on the elliptical machine, I'm trying more and more to forget the body I have and the body I used to have...I'm focusing on the body I'm building. And, the truth is, I have no idea what that body will look like...but I have a sort of notion of how it will feel - strong, powerful, and ready for anything.

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Where the Rubber Meets the Road

Monday, January 24, 2011

In 20 Wise Quotes from the Dalai Lama, I found this gem:

"There is a saying in Tibetan, 'Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.'
No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that’s our real disaster."

www.stumbleupon.com/su/2TzQ5v/www.in
eedmotivation.com/blog/2008/04/20-wise
-quotes-from-the-dalai-lama/

I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday evening. Now, I'm not exactly one to promote meltdowns, not really, but sometimes a meltdown for me is a breaking point - a sort of mile-marker for the turnaround in my thinking. This meltdown seems to have been just that. To help you understand, I guess it's best to go back to the events of this weekend and let you know what led up to the turning point (or, at least, what I hope is the turning point).

I awoke Saturday morning at 8:30am. After a quick shower, the whole family headed down to the elementary school for my oldest son's basketball game. Logan, 11, is new to basketball. This is only his second game in his first year in the sport. It took him a while to figure out what he wanted, what he enjoyed and he had several false starts along the way. He played football one summer...and hated every minute of it. He ran away from the ball when it was thrown to him, and he didn't like running back and forth on the field. Last year he played spring baseball, and while he did seem to enjoy the game, he just wasn't very good at it. I think he may have hit the ball one time in a game all season...and I think he was immediately tagged out at first. Still, he tried all year, and we encouraged him to practice in order to get better. This year, Logan decided that basketball was his new sport. I have to admit, his father and I were both skeptical, but since his own tiny elementary school has it's own little mini-league, we decided to go ahead and sign him up. At least it didn't cost us anything.

Last week, while watching him in his first game, I noticed something about my son. My shy, I-don't-want-attention driven son was a bit of a showboat on the court. I don't mean that he was hyping up the crowd, I just mean that the second he was put into the game he was in defensive stance against any player on the other team that had the ball. The same son who walks (and actually does everything) slower than anyone I know, was one of the first players up and down the court. He blocked shots and passed the ball and seemed to be the start of a game changer for his team. His team was down 20-2 in the first half, but came back when Logan was put in to make something like a 26-18 final score.

During the game, I heard myself say something that even sounded weird to me. I turned to Ethan, Logan's brother, and said, "I didn't know your brother knew how to play basketball!" Ethan smiled and nodded. He's watched his brother at several practices, and I guess he had the inside scoop on things. All last week the coach of Logan's team promised to work on his offensive skills (shooting) and, sure enough, in Saturday's game, Logan made two baskets...and he was in the game a lot longer this game than he was in the last. Maybe he shocked the coach a little as well. While his team still lost, Logan felt proud of his two shots and proud of his overall performance. Still, he nodded and smiled when I said, "You made 2 baskets?!" but didn't further discuss any details of the game. (Unfortunately, his father and I missed both shots as we were roped into concession duty out front. *sigh*)

After the game, my friend Anne Marie and I ate lunch with the boys and then took off to Columbus to visit a friend. The whole way there we talked about all the things we wanted to do this year - rock climbing, rafting, tennis. We talked about our boxing lesson coming up this weekend and talked about how we hope to challenge ourselves this year to really find what we love and hate. I remember saying to her, "Let's do it all! We might hate some of it, but we might find some things we love too!"

The wine party that night was both fun and challenging for me. My friend, Hillary, had invited a bunch of old high school classmates. Most of those who came were people I may have graduated with, but didn't really form close bonds with in high school. I was never in the popular group. I knew a lot of people, but I wouldn't have ever called us "friends" per se. I was worried and felt those high school insecurities pop back up into my head.

We had a total of something like 10 girls that night. I knew I had AM, Hillary, and a good friend, Joanna, to cling to, but I also really wanted to get to know these high school girls as adults now. We talked about what we were doing now, our spouses and children, where we lived, where the road had taken us. And through all of that, I kept feeling the, "I'm the saddest excuse for a person here" monster talking to me in my head.

I promise I tried to ignore it, but I kept hearing it tell me how I had wasted my senior year, how I had withdrawn and had little to no high school experiences because I was busy being pregnant and trying to figure out what my life was about to become. I remember it telling me that I still had a sorry excuse for a job, even though I'm currently (impatiently) waiting on a promotion to go through here at work. I remember it telling me way too many times, "You are still the fattest person in the room." And, as I told my husband last night, in my mind, fat = ugly, so I automatically assumed that I was also the ugliest person in the room (although my husband strongly disagreed with me on that one).

I tried not to let the voice influence me. I hated every picture, but pretended I didn't care. I danced in the living room with Hillary's 7 year old while she was playing Just Dance 2, and there was a certain freedom in doing what I wanted and not caring what the people around me thought. (Turns out they thought it was hilarious and wanted to take pictures...more pictures for me to secretly hate.)

Also that night, this comment was made: "Man, Esther! Your boobs look HUGE in this picture." That one would stick with me...

The next day, AM and I went shopping. I found a bunch of clothes - XL and XXL shirts from Old Navy and the Gap that I could never imagine trying on, let alone buying, just last year. And that should have been enough to lift my spirit...but, of course, it wasn't. It was a solitary purchase that broke my heart -- a size 42DDD bra. Yep, you saw that right -- THREE Ds.

You see, this new body of mine has some downsizing that needs to be done. I started at a 52DD years ago. Slowly but surely, that band size has begun to shrink. I've gone from 46-42 since April alone. But what I hadn't expected was that, while the band size was decreasing, the actual boobs were not. And when the around size of the band shrinks, but the around size of the boobs don't, you actually INCREASE a cup size. The difference between the band size and the boob size actually GROWS. So I went from a 52DD to a 42DDD, and it killed me to buy that bra (although it was adorable...and on sale from like 40 bucks to 19.99).

Of course, the hubs thinks it's awesome and has nothing negative to say. But something in my head keeps mocking me. "You get smaller AND get bigger at the same time! HAHAHA!" It's quite annoying. Other mocking tones came too. My hair needs cut badly...it looks horrible. My muscle has melted away after weeks of disuse. This one was strange for me -- my hair is no longer red, something I once both hated and secretly had pride in. Oh, and that's not even considering the comment from my husband of, "So who is the strawberry blonde girl in the pictures?" *sigh* This one comment automatically set off a, "Your husband doesn't think you're pretty" tirade which lasted most of the drive home.

I got home last night around 6pm or so. I was tired and hungry since I hadn't eaten since about 11am. I grabbed the boys and headed out for Chinese. But I couldn't eat much. I was too upset. Hubs was worried. He said he hadn't seen me this way in a long time and he was seriously concerned. "I'm just a mess," I told him. I didn't want him to worry, but I needed to work through it all in my head. I needed to quiet the monster. I had my meltdown and then went to bed after setting out my gym clothes for the next day, resolved to get back at the one thing I knew made me feel like I was worth something.

'Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.'
My tragedy was in my own mind...it was the loss, or rather the suppression, of hope. I thought I was done for - that I had done all I could and would never be anything. My (horrible) father once told me I would never amount to anything and no one would ever love me, and in my darkest hour, that comment becomes my mantra...and that was my tragedy. Last night as my husband kissed me goodnight, he said, "I'm glad you're home. I missed you." And my reply was simply, "I've been missing me too."

That was the problem. I had lost myself again...and I needed to find myself. As I drifted off to sleep, I recounted the conversations I had had with AM about our "Year of Adventures" and reminded myself how long it took Logan to find something he was good at...and I decided that I was done missing myself.

Now, I can't say that I'm going to do everything right from here on out. That would be silly and stupid to think. I can't even promise I'm going to make the most amazing quick comeback ever. But I've made the following promises to myself:

* Do what you love.
* Do what you do.
* Go to the gym every day, even if you just walk in and walk back out, just get in the habit of going again.
* Go back to Zumba. You love it, and you have to do what you love.
* Make a plan and follow it, even when you don't want to.
* Forgive yourself.

That last one is going to be hard. I tend to harp on what I've done wrong. But, like many of my friends who are starting over yet again, I think I've come to the conclusion that I'm doing the same. How fitting, considering when I started in April, it was following a weekend trip to my friend Hillary's house, in which we experienced a wine tasting. (Maybe wine has medicinal mental properties none of us have ever thought about!! *lol*)

Workout Plan for the week of January 24th-29th
Monday - 30 minutes Cardio / 30 minutes ST
Tuesday - Zumba
Wednesday - 30 minutes Cardio / 30 minutes ST
Thursday - Line Dancing/Zumba
Friday - 45 minutes Cardio / 45 minutes ST
Saturday - 60 minutes cardio, minimum

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Conversations With Myself

Friday, January 21, 2011

Nobody understands.

Actually, at least 90% of them understand better than you think.

But most of that 90% don't understand what it's like to be THIS overweight.

You know better. First of all, there is a large portion that DOES understand what it's like to have more than 60-80-or even 100 pounds to lose. Second of all, who do you think you are?

I'm me. And nobody understands me.

What do you think makes you so special? How is your journey so much different than theirs? Why is your story more unique? Don't you have respect for the struggles they have face, especially when so many of those struggles are the same or, at least, similar.

Well, it's just... I'm not saying I'm special or anything... but I do have a certain unique set of circumstances. I mean, how many of them started out at over 400 pounds?

Quite a few of them actually.

Yeah, well all of them are skinnier than me now...and it was easier for them than it was for me.

Oh, now I know you must be joking. That's ridiculous!

But I have so much on my plate right now. Two jobs, looking for a new job, a better one, plus the husband and the two kids and the friend's wedding coming up and...

And tell me, what did you do yesterday?

I worked both jobs and I had to drive home in the horrible snow, nearly sliding off the road several times.

*rolls eyes* You slid twice, MAYBE 3 times, and you were never in danger of going off the road. And, besides, what did you DO at those jobs.

I wrote my article really quickly last night! *proud*

Okay, I'll give you that. You worked efficiently at your second job. And the first?

Well there was that big fiasco with the co-worker. I had to do her job as well as mine!

And exactly how log did it take you to do both jobs?

*hangs head* About 2 hours total.

Out of 8? Two hours, out of eight...is that correct?

Uhm...yes.

And, tell me...is there ANYTHING you could have done with those other 6 hours to better yourself? A workout perhaps? Maybe a few plans for next week? Menu planning? Anything?

Well, I did take care of my student loan stuff.... Oooh! And I went to the grocery store to buy new lettuce when I realized mine was bad. I could have gone to Wendy's for a cheeseburger like I wanted.

That's right, and that was great choice. But, speaking of that, what else did you buy at the store?

Wheat bread...

And...?

A single serving Skinny Cow ice cream.

And...?

*sigh* Okay! FINE! I bought a thing of chicken salad and proceeded to eat more than half of it, making 2 sandwiches when I should've only had one, and a chocolate bar, which I ate not long after, even though I already had salad and ice cream and 2 chicken salad sandwiches... THERE! Are you happy?

The question is...are you?

*a tear rolls down her cheek* No. I'm not. I could have done better.

And the time constraints of work and family...?

I could have done a workout at my desk, or walked around the building on breaks, or done some ST - crunches, squats, push-ups. I could have put on the Kinect when I got home and had fun with Hubs with that game. I had opportunities. I could have done better.

And what did you do instead, when you got home?

I stayed up too late watching TV and eating 3 bowls of chili with cheese and crackers in it... *breaks down sobbing* I'M SO SORRY!!! I CAN CHANGE, I SWEAR!

You and I both know you can change. You did. You were on it for so long and lost 85 pounds. And then...well, what happened?

Things got crazy stressful and everything started piling up and it wasn't exciting or easy anymore.

But was it always exciting and easy?

No...but I don't know that I ever remember it being this hard.

*confused* What do you mean? How could it have gotten more difficult? That doesn't make sense.

Actually, it does... sit down and let me tell you about it...

...in the beginning, it was new.
I kept going because I knew hard would fade away and because I could get away with doing so little and getting a lot of return from it.

...and then the races started...and it was good.
I struggled through each one, each time learning a lesson about myself. I went from barely walking, to half-running a 5k. I raced with friends and family and really enjoyed the praise that came for doing what I was doing even though I was still so big.

...and then winter came. The dark, cold days of winter.
Things got crazy. Holidays, work, trips...it felt like a lot. For a while I did well, because I knew that getting through the challenges would teach me something...because I knew I had an 85 pound loss behind me.

But then...then things changed. I let myself have a bite of this and a bite of that...and I remembered what I had been missing. And I took time off when my hip went out...and being lazy felt so good too. I remembered what it was like to have time to just decompress and not think. I remembered what it was like to crumble onto the couch and not move.

So, yes...by remembering, it's been much more difficult to forget again and move back into what I was doing, into what was successful. Plus, I'm still getting compliments, even though I'm not doing anything. I can ride that out for a few more weeks without anyone really realizing I've stopped being a goody-two-shoes.

Can I ask you a question?

Sure! Fire away. *confident*

Do you remember anything else? I mean, have you been remembering anything else?

....I don't know what you're talking about...

Are you sure? Anything that wasn't such a wonderful memory.

No. *looks away*

I don't believe you.

*sigh*

*stares, patiently waiting*

*frustrated* FINE! It's been a little harder to breathe lately...but that could just be the weather change...

Sure. Of course. Anything else?

*crosses arms* Stamina.

I'm sorry?

My stamina. It feels like it's gone. I don't even know if I could walk a 5k anymore. And my strength is gone too. I'm weak. And tired. And sick all the time.

Are you sure?

Sure about what? Look, I confessed, alright! I said it. I'm a sad, pathetic, weak, fat person again. Do you have to rub my nose in it?

I think you're mistaken.

About what? What the hell are you talking about. I told you what you wanted. I told you that I'm back to being flabby and fat and disgusting and lazy again. I told you everything and now you keep pestering me about something or other and I don't understand. Do you want me to tell you I also feel completely unattractive again? Or how about that I feel like the fattest person in the gym again...and a fraud. Yep, that too. I feel like a fraud, a phony, a fake. And I feel unloved...like nobody here or anywhere cares what I do anymore and they're all just waiting for me to fail. It's been too long. I've had too much success. It was a good run, and I wish I could've gone further, but I can't run anymore - pun intended. *forces a laugh* Can you just go away now? *pouts*

You're wrong.

About what?

All of it. Listen. Listen carefully.

You think you've failed the past two months. You've seen no progress since November, you think. You think you've lost all of your strength and stamina in those 2 months and now it will take you another 6 months to get back tower you are. I can hear that fear in your voice, and the belief that you don't have enough strength left for that.

First of all, you do. You have enough strength for an entire lifetime. Giving up is not an option because every day spent not living is a day spent dying.

Second of all, you're lying to yourself. In November you had great successes. If I remember correctly, it was the first time you were able to zip up those 24s, no matter how uncomfortable they were. You've been to the gym countless time in those two months. You rocked challenges and saw yourself shrinking...and everyone around you noticed.

The last time you were at the gym? Tuesday. That was 2 days ago. And the week before that you spent in Vegas walking mile after mile. Oh, and about that 5k you don't think you can walk anymore? I have to tell you -- you just did. Remember the 3.8 miles at the Grand Canyon? That was more than a 5k. And YOU did that. Even when it was hard because of ice and snow on the path. Even when Andrea was bugging you. Even when you couldn't breathe because of the change in elevation and the crisp winter air...you did that. You found your footing and you completed that walk and you didn't really feel all that sore after stretching when you came back. And you followed it with more days of walking all day and night! You didn't even take a rest day.

Well, I guess you're right about that...used to be that rest days were necessary after a 5k. But...I rested a lot when I came back.

You sure did. 4 days of blissful nothing that you completely earned with a week of walking, a 5k, jet lag, a sinus and ear infection that have yet to surrender completely. Your body made you sleep because it needed to repair. And, in all honesty, I don't think it's anywhere near 100% again...not yet.

But what if it never gets there? And....well, what if I never get to run again?

If it does turn out that you cannot run for fear of serious injury, you will deal with that. Just as persons who have lost mobility from a freak car accident learn to cope, you will cope with whatever medical issues you have. BUT there's no saying that you can't run again...you just need to train again. And you know that for you that looks different than it does for most people starting out.

Yeah...I hate that.

Hate what? Being different?

*pouts* Yeah.

Okay, that's too silly for me to even address considering we are ALL different. ...moving on... Your training regimen includes at least 1-2 full weeks of strength training in your hip. You thought when you started running that the running would do the job to get your hip into shape, but you were wrong. There's nothing wrong with being wrong. We learned a valuable lesson. You need strength training in order to run.

*growls* I HATE that I have to do more work to achieve the same goal!! It's not fair!!

Get over it. Those people with mobility issues from a freak accident? They've had the option of even training in ANY way stolen from them. You get over it right now and count your blessings.

*crosses arm* Fine. ...you're right.

So, getting back to it...you train. You train hard. You work that hip in any strength training moves you can find for those hip muscles. And in a week or two, you take a tiny jog to test the hip. If it feels good, you start back slowly...once a week. When that feels alright, you can go back to 2-3 times a week. And after that you can chose to either go back to C25k or find/create a different program that works for you. Strength training, though, must stay in place the ENTIRE time you're working on your running. We know that now. Hopefully that will keep the knee strong and you won't run into the same problem -- pun intended. *chuckles* So, what do you think?

I don't even know where we were going with this conversation...

Going? Why do we have to always be going somewhere? This conversation was a chance for you to sit within yourself and figuring out what the demons are that you've been fighting. It's a chance to confront your fears head on and a chance to realize that you aren't as bad off as you've been telling yourself you are. It's also a chance for you to understand -- if you continue to ignore the problem, it doesn't go away...it gets worse. You will gain weight eventually with that kind of eating and "i just don't care" attitude. And eventually you will lose your strength and stamina and all the ability you've gained.

These conversation with yourself are important because - who else can tell when you're lying better than you can? Who else is better at remembering than you than....you!

But...what do I do with all this information?

*sighs* *smiles* Isn't it obvious?

*shrugs* *looks around* *shrugs again*

Get back on the horse. Stop lying to yourself and get your head back in the game. All is not lost. You need a heavy dose of great, healthy food - a splash of gym-time and exercise - a nice, big helping of strength training - a 'try-it-again' serving of the run - and a good quantity of sleep and rest in between.

Sounds good, actually. But I'm not sure I'm ready for all of it yet.

That's fine. Start with one thing. Or wait and start when you're ready. But know that the longer you wait, the harder it is to come back. Make it easier on yourself by trying just 1 of those things tonight...even if it is extra sleep.

I think I can do that. I'll try.

Just so you know...even trying burns calories....but doing burns more.

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