Wednesday, January 19, 2011
The whirlwind that has been the past few months is now settling down (I hope).
Christmas turned into a crazy affair.
NYE found me with both a sinus and an ear infection.
I've been sleeping a lot due to illness and wear-and-tear.
I was saving every penny for Vegas and spent likely every dime.
And Vegas. Drama. Excitement. Confusion. Frustration. It was a whirlwind of emotion.
So I spent the past four days sleeping and/or half-asleep! So what?!
Oh, yeah. There's that little issue of wanting to lose some more weight this year and losing something like none so far in the month of January.
There's that whole issue of wanting to run, but doing a little of nothing in the way of ST so far to prepare my body for it.
There's also the whole issue of missing my boys like crazy and wanting to spend every waking (and sleeping) moment with them, no matter how boring it might be.
So, I woke up late this morning. 7:38am. I need to be at work at 8:30am and I live almost an hour away. I also needed to have the boys on their bus by 7:25am. CRAP! I rush out of bed, only to find that both of my sons have gotten up on their own and, I assume, got dressed, ready and out the door without a peep from their dear mother, asleep in her bed after hitting what she THOUGHT was the snooze button at 6am on the new alarm. (I guess it wasn't the snooze button....)
I had taken my shower the night before, due to the constant nagging of my Hubs as he had hoped to work on the bathtub drain while I slept and, hopefully, get it unclogged so we don't have to deal with standing water that has to be flushed down the toilet to be removed. I never take showers at night. I'm glad I did. I was out the door in 10 minutes and was only about 3 minutes late for work.
But on my mind all day has been my sincere lack of focus for the past 2 months. I have flashes of brilliance now and again and plan up a storm, but I have little to no follow-through right now. It's frustrating. I feel myself slipping. And while I continue to receive compliments about weight loss I'm not exactly having right now, I'm not loving this new body quite so much anymore. I want to see what it will look like when it's smaller. Namely, when the belly flap is gone. (I have discovered that it's come up at least an inch since November, so YAY me!)
I have a plan. I do.
I also have little hopes of following through with it.
But I also have no expectations for this week other than "TRY!"
Yep, I said it. My only expectation is to try.
I MUST go to the gym tonight because I have a meeting with the PT. And while I'm there, I might as well work out, even if I don't want to. 30 minutes Cardio (elliptical), 30 minutes ST is my minimum requirement for myself, because I was doing that at 390 pounds, so there's no single reason why I can't do it at 330. Excuses are for losers.
Still, my head is a mess. Things are in chaos inside me.
So until I figure out what it all means, I'm going through the motions.
I'm showing up and doing the bare minimum, because that's more than the nothing I've been doing.
I feel like Vegas was a loss, but I know it wasn't.
Why do I feel that way?
Why do I feel like a failure for not frequenting the gym every day, when I know that nearly every day I wanted to strangle the life out of my friend, who insisted we keep moving and never needed a break as we walked through hotel after hotel after casino? The same friend that told me that she easily walks 8-10 miles a day at work, and I wanted to gag with an onion because I know I walk like .001 miles to my car from the office every morning and evening? I actually had the thought in my head on no less than 3 times on 3 different days, "OMG! I just want to DIE! I'm SOOO tired of walking!" and then I kept going without saying a word. I just kept going. And I have no clue how far I walked, but I know I'm not in horrible shape, so it had to be more than a mile a day to have me so exhausted...right?
But in my head that sounds like a cop-out.
I didn't lose any pounds.
But everyone has said I lost more weight in that week and returned skinnier than when I left.
And my clothes don't quite fit anymore.
And even the shirt I bought there on Saturday fits me better today then it did when I bought it.
I have to say, that where I be is in a land of confusion and uncertainty.
So instead of planning and figuring out what I can accomplish, I'm going to skate through however long it takes to figure it out by doing the minimum Spark requirement.
I may not lose that much weight.
I may not gain that much strength.
Or I might surprise myself.
But at least I'll be building a solid base to get myself back in the game.
Oh, and I know I still owe you pictures. I was so tired last night I nearly crashed twice on the way home...so I skipped the gym and went home, where I let Shane drive to the Mexican restaurant and finished off all my food and went home and watched two movies before taking that shower and passing out in bed and sleeping in.
I've been tired a LOT lately.
And I've been eating a LOT...constantly hungry. UGH!
But I told myself last night that it's time to remind myself what hunger really feels like. No more feeding the monster inside. Time to feed me - body and soul - exactly what I need.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
...ends up in this blog! *lol* Or, at least, most of it.
Friday, January 7th
(Chocolate fountain at the Bellagio)
My first flight was delayed due to a maintenance issue. Once solved, however, everything ran pretty smoothly. I must say that 5 hours on a plane is not the most exciting thing I've ever done. It made me thankful that I specifically requested NOT traveling on my birthday!
I was greeted at the airport by slot machines, which made me giggle. But, after that, it was a hurry up and wait type situation. (I'm not sure how well you all know me, but I'm not the most patient person...I hate waiting for something to happen!) Our hotel was JUST off the strip, but off enough to SEE the strip and not figure out how to get to it. Besides that, my friend forgot to put me down as her guest, so they didn't let me check in right away. (After about a half hour or so of waiting, it finally dawned on me to try to call her husband and see if he could make the call to let me in.)
Once my friend arrived, we caught the shuttle and headed to the strip. Monte Carlo to the Bellagio to the new Cosmopolitan. After a while I realized I either needed sleep or food, so we tried to find a bite to eat. Not wanting to blow 60 bucks on dinner right out the gate, we finally settled at the upstairs bar at P.F. Chang's. (Laugh all you want, but I have *never* been to a P.F. Chang's and hear so much about it all the time - so I broke my "don't do anything on vacation you can do at home" rule for that reason...and because everywhere was PACKED!).
(At Bellagio gardens decorated with an Asian theme.)
By the end of the night I was in tears from the exhaustion that had set in after missing our shuttle back to the hotel and having to wait an hour for the next one. Since Thursday I had had about 5 hours total of sleep, broken up over 4 attempts. That's not the way to start any vacation.
Saturday, January 8th
My birthday! I woke up and completely forgot I was 30. Andrea kept mentioning it to people in a shameless ploy to get free things (didn't happen), and that was about all that reminded me. I did have one moment where I looked out the bus window and said to myself, "Wow. I'm 30." And that was that. Still, I got to pick whatever we did that day without any questions, other than dinner, which was pre-planned by my friend.
First we caught the shuttle to the Strip, and caught the bus to the Outlet mall. Yep, I was in Vegas for my 30th birthday and all I really wanted to do was shop! *lol* It's quite fun shopping when you aren't sure what will fit and might get a very pleasant surprise (I did, as most of the XXL and XL shirts from Gap and Banana Republic were free game for my shopping delight!). I ended up with an XL shirt from Banana Republic and a XXL shirt from the Gap - both stores I have always wanted to be able to shop in and have never had the opportunity because of my size. I even turned one thing down at BR, not because it didn't fit, but because I didn't like how it was made! I wish I could express the joy and freedom I felt in that moment! (I also got my ring finger resized. On the day I was married in 2002 it was a size 10, now it's a size 8 1/2...the smallest I can ever remember it being since before I was about 14!)
After shopping, we headed back to the hotel to change. We got all fancy, as I was told the restaurant had a dress code (nobody told the dude in the elevator with a pair of jeans and a black button-up *sigh*). Andrea took me to the restaurant in the Eiffel Tower at Paris. A perfect setting, and proof that my friend does know me quite well.
We had the most amazing meal, an authentic French waiter named Pierre, a marvelous view of the Bellagio fountains, and Pierre even sang Happy Birthday to me! It was wonderful!
I have no clue how many calories I consumed that night, but I do know that I savored every bite of my chocolate souffle (shared with Andrea) and lobster quiche appetizer (shared) and my shot of chocolate mousse. The only thing I didn't really share was my veal with vegetables. The BEST veal I've ever tasted, with vegetables much like *I* make at home! *lol*
After dinner, we walked around the Paris casino a bit, and then ended up down on Freemont Street, where a very creepy Elvis didn't know it was his birthday, and then proceeded to grope me while he was singing Happy Birthday. I'm sure he was way more drunk than I was! We ended the evening pretty late...most of Freemont Street was closed down by the time we walked out and caught the bus again! *lol* We headed back to the hotel and I collapsed in bed.
Sunday, January 9th
The day before we had begun to make more solid plans for the week. We decided that Sunday would be the day we'd go to a show...my pick, and I picked Jabbawockeez. We started out the day grabbing our discount tickets and then headed off to explore the strip a tiny bit before returning to the hotel.
A dressy change later and we headed out to the Monte Carlo for the show. ---IT WAS AMAZING!---- Again, if you knew me well, you'd know that I adore dancing. I have shamelessly watched every version of Step Up and Center Stage and Fame and whatever else I can get my hands on. I used to watch SYTYCD religiously. (But, no, I'm not watching DWTS because it's stupid...I want to see people who at least SORTA know what they're doing.) Jabbawockeez have appeared both on America's Next Top Model (another guilty pleasure of mine) and America's Best Dance Crew on MTV. I was always amazed at their ability to convey so much emotion without the use of facial expressions (they wear white masks). They made me laugh and cry in their Mus.I.C. show! Much love to these amazing dancers!
Don't remember if we did much of anything else that night, except I ate part of my Kir Royal Cupcake that night. (Notice I said part...) Oh, we did have sushi at Dragon Noodle Company. It was pretty darn good after they took away the wasabi tainted sushi! *shudders*
(Post-Sephoria going into the Venetian with our sexy gloss! *lol*)
(Beetles Revolution letters have seats in them with red lighting = Cool pics!)
Monday, January 10th
We toured the middle of the strip and walked more than I would have thought on what looks like the tiniest strip of road. Started at Harrah's, did Caesar's, the Venetian, Treasure Island, then headed to get some cheap dinner buffet tickets. (It's Vegas...buffets are a part of the deal, right?! RIGHT?! No, Andrea said the place was awesome, so I took her word for it.)
Buffet dinner at Rio's. About the worst thing I ate was a piece of friend fish and a few small onion rings. I ate too much, yes, but certainly not as much as Andrea who was complaining even the next day about how much she ate. *shrug* I didn't make it all the way through the buffet and stopped when I felt a little past full. I took bites to try and didn't finish anything that didn't taste REALLY good to me. And when I was done, I was done. No regrets. No "you have to roll me out of here" feeling. I didn't beat myself up once about it, especially considering the rest of our meals were reasonable and we'd walked a million miles!
We checked out the (COLD!! and WINDY!!) view at the VooDoo Lounge at Rio before walking to the Palms, where I won 45 bucks on a Wheel of Fortune machine, which felt great since I only put in 20. *big grin* (I win, Vegas! HAHA!) Ended the night with an invite to meat 2 guys for drinks the next night. (*lol* That's Vegas for ya!)
Tuesday, January 11th
We had to get up early in order to catch our LOOOOONG bus ride to the Grand Canyon (with a stop at Hoover Dam along the way). It was surprisingly cold, but Andrea and I complained our way through a somewhat icy 3.8 mile hike around the South Rim of the Canyon. I did learn that I get frustrated at people when they underestimate my fitness abilities, and that anger (a call from Hubs about my PT who is annoying me) drives me to walk in hyper-drive speed! *lol* When we got back to the gift shop to catch our bus, I bought myself an XL green T-Shirt that says "Go Hike a Canyon" on the back. I'll admit it, I have dreams of taking the 4-day hiking trip INTO the Canyon someday. Hike in on day 1, spend 2 days at the bottom, and then hike up the 4th day. Sounds like HEAVEN! They said the hike takes about 6 hours or so on day one and closer to 8-10 on day 4 (it's more difficult coming back up, obviously). Am I crazy to think this sounds like the best way to spend a day EVER?! It's going on my bucket list for SURE! (As for my friend Andrea, she said hiking isn't her thing, and she'd rather take a week-long rafting trip down the Colorado River inside the Canyon. Maybe we'll coordinate and meet at the bottom somewhere! *lol*)
By the time we got back, we were too tired to do much of anything and pretty much crashed after a fight with the Hubs over the guys we met the night before inviting us to dinner the next night. Long story short, Hubs and I resolved our issues (and his jealousy) and I canceled our meeting with them out of respect for his feelings and a feeling of being a little uncomfortable about the whole situation.
Wednesday, January 12th
We FINALLY got adjusted to Vegas time and slept in until like 11am or something! It was AWESOME! *lol* We started the day at Television Studio in MGM where we watched a pilot episode of a new Criminal Minds they're hoping to launch. It was okay, but needs a LOT of development (this coming from a girl that LOVES Criminal Minds!). We got invited to join in a focus group later in the day where they would pay us 50 bucks to give our thoughts on the show. (We missed the check-in time and had to forfeit our spots... *sigh*)
We ate lunch at House of Blues at Mandalay Bay after walking through New York New York, Excalibur, and Luxor, and I enjoyed every last bite of my cheeseburger and fries, yes I did! *lol* We ended up going back to the hotel to change in order to finally take in some Vegas nightlife. (We figured since we slept in that day, it was the perfect time to stay up a little late!) We bar hopped from the Rockhouse club (with girls on tire swings!) at Imperial Palace to the Carnavale Bar outside Harrah's (where I danced and Zumbaed a little! *lol*) and then finally ended up closing the Dueling Pianos bar inside Harrah's. It was great. I drank WAY too much, and had a wonderful night! We ended the night at Paris in order to catch a cab back to the hotel.
Thursday, January 13th
I spent the day attempting to flush Vegas out of my system and pretty ready to go home. Andrea's husband and 2 friends came in this day, so I spent much of the evening feeling like a 5th wheel (not their fault at all). I didn't want to drink after the night before, so that meant sitting in The Pub at the Monte Carlo for a couple hours downing glass after glass of water. Later we searched high and low for a place to eat with a wait time of under an hour before getting immediate seating at the Border Grill in Mandalay Bay. They had some pretty good food, but I must admit, I was so ready to come home!! I missed my boys and I knew they had missed me too.
Ethan's Quote from Wednesday: "Tomorrow will be a good day."
Shane: "Why's that?"
Ethan: "Because then I can say, 'Mom comes home tomorrow!'"
We did end the night at the Mandalay Bay casino where I got another progressive jackpot (2 actually) on a Wheel of Fortune game. (Man, those things love me!) I put in 20 bucks and got 145 back! (Then tried to win again with the same 20 bucks and lost it! *lol*) It was nice to come out ahead on my last night though, and my jaw actually dropped when it said I won 110 when the two progressive jackpots were combined! I had to call Hubs immediately and tell him what happened...and he immediately told me to put that money away and not touch the machines again! *lol* (I didn't. Instead I talked to a guy at the craps table who spent the better part of an hour teaching me how to play the game. Confusing, but the best odds in Vegas, so I hear! Must learn for the return trip!)
Friday, January 14th
Believe it or not, my flights went smoothly all the way home. I actually got in 10 minutes or so early! My boys picked me up and we went to IHop for dinner before I headed home, had some special time with Hubs and then crashed in my warm bed.
Saturday, January 15th
I planned an evening with friends. I was hoping for about 12 - I got 4. But they were the best 4 to have, plus Hubs and me, and we really enjoyed our meal at the Hibachi's Japanese Steakhouse. We tried to hit a bar after that, but the waiter refused to wait on us, so we bounced and I took the 1 remaining friend to "Mini-Vegas"....in other words, to the Resort and Casino that's just outside of Charleston, but none of us had ever been to! *lol* I lost another 20 bucks, and my friend won 2. *lol* All in all, a good birthday celebration. Followed that at home with a beer and a half (and then 2 cups of coffee) with the Hubs while playing Guitar Hero and enjoying some alone time before the boys came home the next day.
So, there it is...my Vegas recap.
I walked A LOT!
I walked more than a 5k at the Grand Canyon (in icy conditions!).
I drank a little too much, but not every day.
I ate reasonably most of the time, but indulged other times.
When I did indulge, I ate a part of things. I had 2 cupcakes...but it took me 4 days to eat them.
And when I got back, the bloat caused a 4 pound gain, which, by Monday, was gone and I was back to about where I was before I left.
That being said, even while I didn't lose any weight, per se, while I was gone...I've been told by no less than 4 people in the past few days that I lost weight on this trip. My clothes fit better than they did before I left, so I believe them. (I've got some clothes that need to be given away now...there's no way I can keep flashing people like this! *lol*)
So, of my Vegas vacation -- I'm not ashamed of a single thing.
** I uploaded pics from the first part of the week, but just realized my computer didn't download over 530 pics from the trip. I'll post another blog with pics of the rest of the trip, so as to not overload you. Plus, I'm trying to upload mostly pics that I'm in so it means a little more than just "here's a pic of the strip" that you can get via Google.
Thursday, January 06, 2011
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
Let me ask you a simple question. The food you ate today and the quantity you ate, the amount you exercised as well - can you see yourself doing that for the next five years?
One thing I spoke to my behaviorist about this past month was "Sustainability." I explained to her that sustainability was the one and only reason THIS TIME was different from every other time I've tried to diet.
If you look at Wikipedia, the definition of "sustainability" is simply "the capacity to endure."
Sounds simple enough, right? More and more this word has been used in terms of "going green" and creating a sustainable earth. Which, by the way, beyond all the nonsense means "how can we live so that the world sustains the same state (or better) that it is in now? What can we do to continue to make sure the earth reamains a productive environment and an atmosphere in which we can sustain life?"
But if you think of sustainability in terms of weight loss, the idea is not that far off.
What can I do today to ensure that my healthy habits are sustained and that my body and my healthy lifestyle continue to be productive and support the life I have come accustomed to living?
Okay, so quick "desert island" question. If you had one food you could eat for the rest of your life. Any food on the planet, a recipe or a food from a restaurant or something grown in the earth, what would it be?
If you're thinking with your stomach and taste buds you might say something like "chocolate cake!" Why? Well, duh! Because it tastes good! But after that momentary lapse of judgment passes, you realize what you really need is a diverse recipe of fresh ingredients, full of flavor, able to be adjusted daily in order to suit the needs of that day, with every major nutrient included in order to sustain your life. (What's the good of a island if you die a week into the enjoying of it?)
I told my behaviorist simply, "I think to myself when I eat any food, before I start any exercise regimen or build any healthy habit -- can I see myself doing this for the next five years? Five years from now, could I wake up in the morning and still be fine with something like a 1/2 a wheat bagel with whipped cream cheese and a coffee? Will I still be okay walking 7 miles a week or exercising 3-7 times a week?" If the answer is no, then I know I'm not building a healthy lifestyle.
For some people, cutting out carbs is the way to go. But I have to tell you, it didn't pass my sustainability test. I can not imagine not having a single carb in the next five years.
For some people, cutting out coffee is just fine. But that didn't pass my sustainability test either. Mornings and java just seem to click in my head and I just know I would miss it and eventually break.
Now there are things like chocolate cake (I know I use this all the time...can you tell how big a fan I am of chocolate cake?), McDonald's french fries, milkshakes, ice cream, and other such "bad" foods. When I asked myself, "What can I sustain?" the answer was simple. I cannot tell myself I will never eat another McDonald's french fry. I will. I have. What I can say is that I won't eat them every day, or even once a week - heck, not even once a month! Every few months, I might eat a small, medium, or even LARGE McDonald's french fry. And then I'm done. And I'll last another few months. For me, the trick is fitting these treats into my daily calorie goals and not even missing a beat as far as my calorie bank goes. For me...THAT is sustainable.
Sustainability is so important to me because, let's be 100% honest, I will NEVER be able to go back to eating whatever I want. Some people were made with the ability to do that. I was not. My body requires structure and limitations, just as most children do. Whatever I do today, whatever life I build right now, is going to define the majority of what my life will need to look like 5, 10, or even 20 years from now.
If I want to sustain my healthy body, I will need to sustain my healthy lifestyle.
THAT is why diets don't work. Because there's always an end date. A goal weight. And people think to themselves, however secretly, "If I can just get to that weight, then I won't have to try so hard and I can go back to doing whatever I want." From one yo-yo dieter to another, that doesn't work, Missy or Mister. Once you go back, so does the weight.
And what sustainability does, is helps you build a life of consistency. It doesn't require an effort of 150% now for 50% effort later. It requires you to stay at about 80%, pushing now and again, failing now and again, but nearly at that 80% most of the time. This ensures that you don't burn out on what you're doing. It ensures that when the bad times come, those stressful moments, you'll know how to walk out of them practically unscathed. You'll learn along the way how to deal with disappointment and come back from it and back to yourself and your way of life again. It's not 100% 100% of the time. It's 80%. It's manageable. It's sustainable.
So, let me ask you again. Whatever you did today, can you sustain that life for the next five years? If it helps, think in terms of weeks instead of days. Can you sustain this week for the next 5 years? Can you even yourself out to that 80% at the level you're playing at now?
Can you drink diet shakes for the next 5 years? If not, do you have a plan to susbstitute the same calorie base and maintain that?
Can you continue to avoid carbs for the next 5 years? Are you in danger of reaching a breaking point and going back to where you were?
Can you work out at that level and intensity of exercise or more for the next five years? Can you get to the gym 3-7 times for the next five years? (Come on, 3 days is NOT that big of a deal...and remember, 80%. So go 6 days one week and 2 the next and it will all even out in the end.)
Sustainability. Not perfection. Not a diet. A sustainable lifestyle. To help keep you productive.
*photo source: Wikimedia Commons, USDA, Scott Bauer
Thursday, January 06, 2011
Yesterday was awful. I had a million things to do and I got nearly nothing done. I was dizzy and sore and just not feeling well. I took the day off from work to rest, but I ended up spending the whole day worrying about everything I wasn't doing, trying to do things I shouldn't have tried to do, and eating too much out of emotional stress.
There. I said it. Yesterday was a bit of a failure for me. I'm not proud of it. But you know what? I'm not mad at myself for it either. I didn't want to scream and cry and throw a tantrum this morning when the scale said I gained 4 pounds yesterday (mostly because I know that's major BS on the part of the scale).
But I'm struggling...again.
Same old, same old with me. Want to run. Can't run. Hate myself for not being able to run.
Yesterday evening I finally put on my shoes and headed to the gym. To say I waited until the last minute would be an understatement. I didn't leave the house until 8pm. The gym closes at 9pm. I got there about 40 minutes prior to closing. I needed to swipe my card.
"Just a few walking laps around the track," I told myself. And then Ethan starts running. He's 8. He has boundless energy. He wears me out most days, but I'm also completely jealous of his ability and freedom.
Five laps completed and he comes back to recover by walking for 2. He's faster than me. I judge the hip and realize it's not hurting. A slight twinge now and again, but I might be able to do a few laps of running if I take it really slow. I tell him I'll join him on the next running segment and see what I can do.
1/4 of a lap. Our indoor track is small and you have to do about 17 laps to equal a mile. And after 1/4 of a lap I'm bent over in extreme pain. My left knee tried to go out as I turned the corner and my hip tried to correct the knee and pulled the same muscle in one brief, but all too memorable moment. It was like a snap in my lower body.
I wanted to cry. I had let it heal for a week and a half. I bought new running shoes that I actually got fitted for in person. I tied my shoes the special way my runner sister showed me. I paid attention to each step I took. And none of it helped.
I stretched to recover almost immediately. Last time I tried to walk it off, which actually did more damage. The stretching to recover REALLY helped, so I have to remember that for next time.
I didn't cry this time when it was over. I didn't mourn my running career because it's been weeks since I had any hopes of one. I will tell you what I am feeling:
*Confusion -- Why was I able to do weeks of running. I ran for about 5 weeks, off and on, increasing in time spent running vs. time spent walking to recover. I ran on all different surfaces. I had pain in the hip in the very beginning, but why did it come back now? Why all of a sudden? (My theory -- my ST has been lax lately...which coincides perfectly to the pain returning in my hip. DUH!)
*Anger -- I tried to come back to it too soon. I didn't do enough in between to prep myself. I haven't been working out lately because I've been both sick and busy. Sick to the point of falling down and nearly passing out at my desk. Busy to the point of not getting hardly any sleep.
*Jealousy -- I wanted my 8 year old's power. I watched him run 15 more laps around the track and while I was extremely proud of him, and I gave myself a twinge of credit for teaching him about discipline and about pushing yourself, I was jealous of his freedom to do what he wants, and his child-like ability to heal quickly.
*Acceptance -- I've been working on this one lately. I've asked myself "What are my goals?" And, yes, while one of them is to be a runner, I have many many others. One of which is to keep losing weight and make a stronger body for myself. I know better than anyone that running is not the only way to do that. There are a million different ways to work out, and by simply forcing myself down this one path, and continuing to injure myself, I'm getting nowhere pretty fast. I'm starting to accept that running isn't my bag. Not right now. Not yet. Maybe later.
So plans have changed, yet again. A HUGE reason why my front page still says that I make plans, but I keep backup plans, just in case. Sometimes what we think we can do or what we think we like don't work out as well in reality as they did in our heads. So we need to have the flexibility within ourselves to rework the plan and create a new plan altogether, if necessary.
The plan now is to hold back on the running.
The plan now is to work on walking again.
And in walking perhaps I will make it a goal to work up my walking speed.
And I will work on walking fast enough to complete a marathon in the time limit given.
And I will not have to abandon my racing goals, just the method I take to complete them.
The plan is also to get back to ST.
I will start as soon as possible, trying to make the gym at the hotel this next week work for me.
And when I get back, I will refocus myself to strengthen all my muscles.
I have the silly notion that you can still have runner's legs without being a runner, and I'm going to test that theory.
When my equipment isn't available, I will arm myself with at home ST exercises. I already know that crunches and walking lunges and squats and push-ups are the best form of friendly torture.
And when I get back I will try to give myself one night a week to work out at home using the Kinect, the Wii, at-home fitness DVDs, and walking with my boys and the dog. I need more home time, and this is how I'll get it.
And I will refocus my food as well and get myself back to batch cooking on the weekends. The best cook is a prepared cook, so I'll make the plans I need, shop where I need to shop, have the items needed on hand, and let the flavors do all the talking.
As for this week?
I leave tomorrow morning at 5:30am for a flight to Las Vegas (with a layover in Charlotte).
I will walk a ton.
I will watch my food intake.
I will remember it is a desert, I MUST drink water.
I will properly sunblock myself.
I will enjoy every minute of it.
I will explore and enjoy as much as my bank card will allow.
And I will refocus myself for a bright and happy 30th year of life.
YEAR of LIFE! You hear that? I'm not planning a birthday. I'm planning a YEAR of LIFE! And I plan to do a TON of living this year!
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
So, yes, I left work early yesterday in order to rush to the doctor so they could tell me just what was going on with my ear.
* Pressure and pain in the ear
* Dizziness (LIKE CRAZY!)
* Constant Ringing
* Build of pressure, slight release, build of pressure again, over and over
* Lack of sleep and then inability to control when I'd fall asleep
I was all over the dang place! And I didn't like not having control of my body! Now before you get on me about not getting to the doctor sooner, I must tell you that, if I could have, I definitely would have! I experienced my first symptoms on NYE at about 10pm and they didn't let up all weekend. I tried every OTC I could think of, I tried washing my ear with warm water in the shower, I took pain meds and tried to sleep. Still - the ringing, the constant pain, etc. Monday was the soonest the doctor was in, and Monday I went.
Yep, you guessed it...monster, killer ear infection. I'm on antibiotics and numbing ear drops to help me sleep at night (instead of falling asleep in the middle of the day because I couldn't sleep the night before). I don't know that I've ever had an ear infection before, but I feel so bad for every person who ever has! It's torture! That ringing is killing me! I CANNOT WAIT until that stops! And the pain too! And the dizziness! UGH!
And what did I do after the doctor's office? I thought about laying down and resting. I seriously considered it. But I really wanted to get to the gym.
Now, before you jump on me about rushing things, let me explain my thinking.
1) I MUST swipe my card 2 times every week at the gym to remain a member of my insurance company's weight management program.
2) This is the FIRST month I'll be able to pay the discounted 14 bucks (instead of the 38 charged by the gym regularly, or the 45 I've been paying the past 3 months to start the program).
3) I have limited times available to swipe said card -- mainly, Monday and Wednesday are the only possible days for me. Tonight I have a test to take after work. Thursday I have my second job. And Friday morning I'm on my way to Vegas for a week.
4) If I rested, there was a distinct possibility that I would NOT be able to motivate myself to get back up later and go down to the gym. Time I had, energy was dwindling. I had to do it NOW, or not at all.
5) I only promised myself an hour at the gym, and it could be the slowest, most easy-going hour in the world if I wanted it to be.
6) Even if I didn't complete my 60 minutes, I still needed to swipe that card.
So, dizzy still, I went to the gym. I had noticed that when I was focused on something specific, my dizziness was manageable, even controllable to some extent. Long story short, I overcame the excuses, talked myself back into the gym, completed more than my 60 minute goal, and felt much happier afterward.
Remember yesterday I wanted to eat from the gym buffet? Well, I did!
I will not stop unless I feel the need to vomit.
No vomiting, I didn't feel sick to my stomach at all.
I will not stop unless I get feeling so faint that I fear I will actually pass out.
I did actually have to sit down twice and just stop and settle myself. Getting up from some floor work and bending back up from taking the ankle strap from the cable machine off both caused dizzy spells. I centered myself, took the time I needed, and then I moved on.
I will try to run, but will stop if my hip tells me it's too early to return.
My hip told me before I even got on a treadmill. The gym was crowded and I was going to have to wait for one anyhow, which probably saved me some further hurt. I could feel my hip sending me signals to give it a couple more days.
If the running isn't possible, I will walk as much as I can unless it hurts.
I did some walking around the gym as part of some circuit training mixed in with my ST routine upstairs. I felt good to move without causing any undue pressure on my joints.
If I feel the need to move faster, I will move my butt to the elliptical and "fake run" (that's what I call it) until my heart is content once again.
But walking wasn't going to do it for me. I wanted a little more of a challenge if I felt my body could take it. I hopped on the elliptical, kept my heart around 120-150 (avg 139) and just kept plugging away. Every minute or two I'd ask my body how it felt, and it felt just fine, good even! So I kept going. 30 minutes of cross training, with 2 speed intervals built in, and 5 minutes of cool down.
I will try at least one plank tonight.
I'm actually impressed that I haven't "lost" my ability to do this. I pulled out a 40 second plank, which is just 5 seconds under what I had worked my way up to. I probably could've done the other 5 seconds, but the longer I'm up, the more my body quakes, and the more I tense up trying to maintain my form, which causes funny things to happen in my head sometimes. I didn't want to push it with the dizziness issue, so I just slowly came down at 40 seconds (which is much different from the collapse I usually end with! *lol*).
I will try at least 10 REGULAR push-ups.
I honestly did NOT think I could complete this one, especially after the 40 second plank. But I told myself to just try. JUST TRY. And I tried. And they were very sorry pushups that didn't go down very far at all, but there were 10 of them, on toes, not knees. And, boy, was I proud!!
I will do the crunches that don't hurt my hip and see how many I can do without getting dizzy.
40. That's it. 40. Crunches are hard to do when you're feeling dizzy in the head. But I did what I could and then moved on, because I promised myself that's what I would do.
I will do the leg press machine because I love it with my whole heart (and all of my legs!).
I still love my new best friend. I always feel like some powerful body builder on that thing...hangin' with the big dudes, standing on my own and rocking it out. There's a power this machine gives me that goes beyond the sculpting of my calves it's been doing! (And that it has! This thing and the running thing are helping to give me the legs I have always wanted! I can see them start to come through and it makes me SO happy!)
I will do the back extension machine because it stretches the hip flexors.
Did it. Don't feel either way about it. About this time, though, I started to get bombarded by the influx of new gym members. Our gym is a small gym. Us regulars tend to have a flow down and rarely get in one another's way. But with all the new sign-ups this week, it's pure madness in there! I get off a machine to start to adjust the weight on it for another set and someone's already hopped on it behind me! EEK!
I will use the cable machine to work my hips and arm muscles.
I nearly forgot, and I had to work around a couple young teens who were trying to figure the thing out for the first time, but I'm SO glad I remembered! I love this little cable machine upstairs.
I will be sure to do my dumbbell lifts and feel that power in my arms again.
I almost forgot this as well, but, again, I'm glad I remembered! I felt so much better after! Stronger! More like myself again!
I will do both hip machines in the gym because my hips need the help.
Okay, well, kinda. I did one. Like I said, people kept jumping on machines right behind me like I was setting them up just for them. I got frustrated and left before I could do the other one...but the one I *did* do is the one I need the most, so there is that.
I will stay away from anything that might injure me or cause me to get dizzy or lose my balance.
I evaluated things in my head and tried to remember how it made me feel usually. I avoided Yoga because I knew that would cause severe dizziness. Usually it's perfect for injured players, but when the dizzy head thing is going on, it's totally wrong to hold your body in weird positions for too long. Hello, vertigo!
All in all, it was a pretty good night. I feel more like myself today. My appetite has returned, I guess, seeing as my stomach says I missed my 9:30am snack (which I have, but I have missed it for a week and just haven't been hungry for it)...no doubt due to burning a few more calories at the gym. (At least 500 burned last night.) And Mr. Scale is happy with me too. He gave me a 329.6 this morning, which I hope sticks around Thursday -- which will be my official weigh-in day before Vegas.
My one goal in Vegas now? Don't blow it! I fought hard to get in the 320s...I don't want to have to return to the 330s and fight again. After I get back, I'll focus on the 310s and fighting my way there!
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