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Very Funny 2010!

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Dear 2010,

Okay, I'm sure you think it's absolutely hilarious to pick the last week of the year to really screw with me physically, but I want you to know something - you're not going to break me. No way. Not this time. I'm done falling into an emotional trap everytime my body tries to break. Instead, I'm going to find ways to adjust and take it as a lesson learned.

So, this Monday, when you decided to give me an even more severe hip injury when I tried to do 11 minutes of my W4D2 of C25k?

And this Tuesday, when I called off work to do nothing but lay on the couch in order to heal my hip, and you took my Husband away to go help another family member and left me home alone with two very bored children, and THEN decided to hit me with a major headache and a stuffy nose?

And today, when I woke up and the hip felt better but the sinus infection had set in, right alongside these lovely cramps you've graced me with?

Yeah, I'm sure you think it's all very funny. You keep taunting me and I can hear your stupid voice in my head mocking me about my plans to finish 2010 strong. Yep, that's right. I acknowledge you. I HEAR YOU! So shut it already!

Because no matter what you say about all being lost, I realize that it's not. I've come too far to back down now. You've taken me out of the gym for a few days, but you will not take the fight out of me. I will decrease my calories each day to adjust for the decrease in physical activity. I will give myself the forgiveness I need for taking a step back from running right now as I heal. I will also search for a fitting for new running shoes, with the thought that it may very well be part of the problem. And I will drink a ton of water to adjust for the cramps and bloating, and take my vitamins, and get lots of rest (all of which, I'll have you know, will help me to lose weight!). I will question my body daily whether it is ready to return to workouts again.

And when I do go back to the gym, I will go easy on the poor girl -- she's brought me through a lot this year. I will come back quietly and start back slowly. I won't push too hard or too fast. I'll be gradual about it, because she deserves it, this body of mine.

So don't you dare tell me that she's good for nothing because she can't make it through Week 4 of C25k! Don't make her feel less than because she's had a minor setback! This is my fault, not hers...and she has nothing to be ashamed of! This is the same body that:

* walked her first 5k distance at 392 pounds, in midday heat, and swelled up like a balloon, but finished.

* learned to cook healthy meals this year like Vegetable Skillet Couscous, Roasted Vegetables, and Turkey Burgers.

* went from eating Big Macs to eating Tofu and Sushi - and loves it more than any Big Mac ever made!

* went from working out almost never, to working out almost every single day!

* failed at Zumba, then rallied back, and now has hopes and dreams of becoming a certified instructor.

* hiked for five and a half hours at Old Man's Cave in the middle of June, climbing rocks and boulders, climbing up and down rock staircases, over hills, around trees, through creek beds and mud and sludge, and still had the energy to enjoy her family later that night. (Oh, and in case you missed it, she did that at 386+ pounds!)

* traveled to New York City and back in one day to interview for a position in the field she would love to work in, and enjoyed every minute of the flight there, and overcame the challenges of the flight back, and never faultered a moment.

* walked a mile or more into town for the 4th of July parade, and stood for over an hour in the heat without feeling faint, at 380 pounds.

* went from people not saying anything to her, for fear of offending, to constantly being told she was a motivation, inspiration, and should become a personal trainer.

* joined the gym before her insurance gave her the green flag for her weight management program. Why? Because she just couldn't wait!

* went to her first race in August, completely overwhelmed and scared of being judged because of her size. Who proudly walked 3.1 miles, at least 2.5 of those with a huge blister on the bottom of her foot (that wouldn't heal right for at least a month or more!) Who proudly hugged her first-met Sparkie because she felt a kinship that couldn't be denied. Who saw a woman bigger than her, on her stoop, who, when the woman saw her, cheered as loud as she could...and she considered for a moment the magnitude of what it could mean to make this journey public for all to see. Who at 365 pounds, walked those 3.1 miles in under a hour -- 57:21, setting her fastest ever pace time of 18:30 and ended up 661 of 750 walkers.

* did her next race, less than a full month later, with her 8-year old son. Who walked all 6.2 miles (10k) and completed the race proud, even if no one was there to cheer them on. Who taught her son what it meant to make it through, who taught him about mental cheering and positive self-talk, and even mental bribery! (You finish this, you get a big, fat cheeseburger! *lol*) And then showed him what it meant to follow up that promise of reward with actual reward. Who, though she struggled time and again to get past 5 miles on her walks, ended that race with the biggest smile in the world - for the hill she conquered and mileage she put in, and for never, never, never giving up. (And who wasn't last...and whose son actually SLOWED her down! *lol*)

* tried playing tennis, and even if she didn't know what she was doing, had a blast doing it.

* tried boxing, and even if she didn't know what she was doing, had a blast doing it.

* rowed, both on and out of the water, and had a blast doing it!

* put herself in the public's eye by announcing her triumphs and struggles on SparkPeople, FB, in real life, to friends and family, to the world at large, to anyone who would listen, and realized that we can really ALL be in this together, however corny that sounds.

* got frustrated but refused to give up completely.

* taught herself to be honest, even when it hurts.

* got this crazy notion of doing a family 5k, and then actually did it. 3 generations, sisters, mothers, sister from another mother, brothers, daughters, sons, grandmothers, grandsons - all walked and half-ran the Dayton Corridor Classic and two of them actually got first place in their age division (though, they were the only ones IN their age division! *lol*). And got a PR pace and final time.

* still had the energy to finish that race with her Sparkie friend even after walking all around the Ren Faire the day before.

* still had the energy after completing that race on Sunday, to compete in the Auggie's 5k run that Saturday - making that two 5ks in one week! And who signed up as a runner instead of a walker. And who, with her dog, ran a good majority of the 5k distance, including crossing the finish line in record time (for her) -- finishing under 55 minutes (52:32)...even with her dog constantly slowing her down and her knee in constant pain from a pop-out incident earlier that week.

* put in 20 miles of walking in one week while at training in Washington DC earlier this month.

* who has shown me that no matter how many times she falls or hurts or doesn't feel 100%, refuses to give up for all the promises of healthier times ahead.

So you can go on with your cramps, bloating, fatique, sinus headaches, stuffy noses, hip pain, knee pain, ankle pain, and whatever else you want to throw in with that (though, seriously, I think you've given me quite enough already, don't you?), because I won't go down without a fight.

And on Saturday morning, as I awake on the first day of the new year, it's me who will be laughing. Because you will have had your say. Your time will be done, but my time will remain. And for all the things I did in 2010, no thanks to you and your crafty tricks, I will be stronger, wiser, and healthier in the next year.

I hate to say it (not really) because I know you'll be sad (*snicker*), but this love-hate relationship we've got going is coming rapidly to an end. And I have a feeling me and 2011 are going to be happier and closer than you and I ever were!

So take that...and shove it!


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ATREAT4ME 1/13/2011 7:38AM

    hee heee hee! So proud of you and all the amazing things you accomplished.

How did you get all of that done in just 365 days?? Wow!

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CYNBADGIRL7 1/2/2011 12:08PM

    You are certainly a talented lady! Loved this blog! I too was brought to tears reading it to the end! You're witty and honest and definitely an inspiration! I'm going to subscribe to your blog because I want to be here cheering you through your journey. I KNOW 2011 will be a GREAT year for you!
All the best!

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MEGA_MILES 1/2/2011 10:20AM

    That was get. Keep it up. emoticon

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  Reading your blog brought me to tears. You have done so much. Thank you for sharing.

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MONIKA420 1/1/2011 12:39PM

    I just joined today, because I need to make a change...I have so much self hate that's it's crippling..I'm afraid to do anything, I never go out socially...I just work and come home...That is not the girl I used to be..I love the outdoors, going out, clothes, the movies...but I have stopped myself from doing all these things because of what I look like...I must say you are absolutely the most motivating person, I was just in tears reading this and all the goals u have accomplished and know that I can also do the same thing...I used to be in the Navy..not so long ago..and I could do anything, now I don't want to be seen in public....U r my motivation..Keep up the good work..Monica emoticon

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LEAN-N-LEXY 1/1/2011 11:06AM

    Esther! You live near Dayton! My home town -- holy crapola. I used to bike the River Corridor and dream of running or walking the Classic.

Anyway, as I get healthier we HAVE got to do a meet when I up in OH to see family.

You've overcome many hurdles and accomplished a LOT this year.

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JINGLESMAMA 12/31/2010 10:38PM

    Oh, I'm so blessed to have found you again. I need to find you on FB!! You are awesome, and seriously, the things you have accomplished this year, AMAZING! Big love!!

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EMILYJEN 12/30/2010 11:19PM

    You have accomplished so much!!! Be proud! Very inspiring!

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I_AM_ENOUGH 12/30/2010 11:14PM

    OMG...I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT! You are inspiring, and have a way with words!!


PS - I hope you don't mind that I added you as a friend.

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FLGIRL1234 12/30/2010 3:02PM

    What a way to turn your life around! So inspirational....Oh yes you are!!!!


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_AIYANNA_ 12/30/2010 9:43AM

    Oh Esther, you have brought tears of pride to my eyes!!! You are awesome beyond words. It is such a privilege to know you and to be your companion on this journey. I draw motivation and inspiration from you on every step of the way.

You're gonna rock 2011 just like you did 2010 and then some!!!

Luv ya, sweetie!!!

Elen xxx

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DETERMINED_SOUL 12/30/2010 9:22AM

    You have accomplished much this year and will see another great year of success if you keep that attitude up. emoticon

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EMRANA 12/29/2010 9:38PM

  You tell it! You've accomplished so much and while you might need to stay down for a few days, you'll be back strong!

P.S. Try a heating pad for your cramps. It always helps me.

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MAGPIE17 12/29/2010 9:26PM

    I just wrote this exact same thing on Katy's blog, but you need to be told too: You are A.W.E.S.O.M.E. That is all. :)

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MAMADELIGHT 12/29/2010 8:20PM

    AWESOME!!! You are a phenomenal woman, bad hip and all. I know how much it sucks to take yourself out of the fitness streak, but your body will thank you as you get stronger and faster, my dear.

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RUSSELLORAMA 12/29/2010 8:09PM

    Wow! Look at how much you achieved this year. I am so proud of you!

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SASSAGAIN 12/29/2010 7:54PM

    beautiful. I'm crying Esther. You have done it. You have turned your life around. You are brave and strong and beautiful and tenacious!

Simply amazing.

You honour me by being my friend.

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 12/29/2010 7:31PM

    I love you love you love times a million. I wish I could squish you in a hug right now, because you are SO INCREDIBLE Esther. I say this sincerely... it's an honor and privilege to know you.

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MRSBENNETT2 12/29/2010 7:11PM

    Congratulations! You are amazing!

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CBAILEYC 12/29/2010 6:56PM

    I love all your accomplishments, and you're going to have SO many more. Feel better, feel stronger, and take on 2011 like nobody's business!

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RIGBY31 12/29/2010 6:43PM

    Thank you for recapping your year! Some stuff was new to me, but I remember when I fell in as your friend, where I joined your journey. You are amazing. I am going to achieve and then achieve again in 2011. I've already amazed myself and now I want to blow myself away! Happy New Year... bring it on!

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SLFRISBEY 12/29/2010 5:30PM

    I absolutely love your blogs! That was PERFECT! Bring it 2011, this is THE year!

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KITHKINCAID 12/29/2010 5:01PM

    I'm bittersweet about saying goodbye to 2010. But here's to 2011 being KICK-ASS!!!

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SADIESUE09 12/29/2010 2:16PM

    You have done great. You are inspiration to us all.
emoticon emoticon

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BOOGERBUTT 12/29/2010 2:13PM

    I soooooo needed this today! Thanks for the laugh and the push. Cramps are a mother, but knowing I made it through the 30 minute cardio with a grin, made it all worth it. Love your writing style and keep up the amazing work!

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SEEHOLZ 12/29/2010 1:49PM


You really have sooo much to be proud of just in 2010! Yeah for taking the time to really recount all those proud moments and to remind yourself of your strength, courage, endurance and persistance!

Here's to many more accomplishments and proud moments in 2011! emoticon

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Weigh-In Day: Post Christmas Edition

Sunday, December 26, 2010

I hope everyone had a wonderful and happy Christmas this year! Mine went well until I realized there was no energy left in me to drive the 3 hours to my mom's house. I hate that I didn't get to see her this year, but we're making plans to meet up this next weekend instead.

Weigh-In Day

Last Week: 337.0
Goal this Week: 335.0
Actual Weight: 332.6
Loss/Gain: -4.4

And it's about time! Finally, TOM started to leave me alone. Finally, I started to get my head on straight. And I wasn't perfect this week...not at all! But I made the most of the time I had and pushed where I could.


Starting Weight: 466.6
SP Starting Weight: 416.2
Current Weight: 332.6
SP Total Loss: 83.6
Total Loss: 134.0

My Goals last week were as follows:

Weight: 335 or lower emoticon
Workouts: Workout at least 4 days this week

Monday - C25k W4D2 (maybe! If the hip feels good) and/or Yoga class and ST
emoticon -- held off on the W4D2 and did the elliptical instead, counted Yoga as my ST
Tuesday - Line dancing or Zumba class
emoticon -- Zumba!
Wednesday - C25k W4D3 and ST
emoticon -- I did W4D2, or at least, I did half of it. Then I switched to the elliptical. Did not ST though.
Thursday - Line dancing or Zumba or elliptical
** I didn't do any of it. Both classes were canceled, and after the knee and hip pain I experienced Wednesday, I vowed to take a rest day in hopes of recovering properly
Friday - C25k W5D1 or elliptical and ST...I hope! Going to have to get up early because my gym is closing at noon!
** I didn't get to do W4D2 again because of the hip. In fact, I didn't make it to the gym at all...instead I burned calories by cleaning and then rested some more
Saturday - OFF
** Okay, so I worked out yesterday, but not officially. Santa brought us a Kinect for XBox and I played Kinect Adventures and Kinect Sports, which had me sweating and my heart racing! I can't wait to buy the Biggest Loser workout for Kinect now! It's great to have another (fun!) home workout option!!

Take my guilt-free rest day.
emoticon It wasn't completely guilt-free, but I tried. When I set these random guilt-free rest days, my goal was to allow myself the freedom, once in a while, to not think about calories in and calories burned and to just live one day without guilt over it. I let myself have my day. I tried to eat in moderation, though I did eat a little too much over lunch, and had a few too many sweets -- the whole point is to not guilt myself over them. The whole point is to learn to let it go and move on. So that's what I'm doing. I woke up and thought to myself, "Okay, Christmas is over. Time to get back to work!" *lol*

Nutrition: Stay around 1800 calories
** I had a really hard time with this in the beginning of the week, but by midweek I was starting to find my groove again. Months ago, when I finally figured out how to hit my calorie goals and stay in range, when I found that "sweet spot," as I like to call it, I was allowed 2000-2200 calories. It was just a readjustment to eating at this lower level, and I'm working to retrain my body to not expect any more than what it needs.

Now it's time to look ahead. This is the last week of 2010, and I want to go out with consistency and vigor. I want to show 2011 what it has coming for it! *lol*

Plan for this final week of 2011 --
1) Eat around 1800 calories.
I have to make sure I have this readjustment down, because it's only going to help me learn how to listen to my body when calorie counts decrease again. I need to also learn that if I eat more, I have to work it off. I want to keep asking myself, "Is this worth an extra hour in the gym?"

2) Weight Goal: 330.6
Okay, I'm not going to lie. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to see 329 when I head into the New Year, but I have to learn to be realistic again and not push myself so hard. Pushing too hard can have the opposite effect on my body, which I learned in DC.

3) Workout at least 5 days
Here's the fitness plan for this week:

Sunday - OFF...maybe. (I may hit the Kinect up again! *lol*)

Monday - W4D2 of C25k and ST ST ST!!
I MUST get my ST back in my routine, and I really want this week to be the week I work on reviving that. Plus, I think I've given my hip ample time to heal, so I'm back to trying W4D2 again. Whether I make it through or not, I will try.

Tuesday - Line dancing or Zumba

Wednesday - W4D3? and ST ST ST
If all goes well on Monday, I'll be trying to finish week 4 this week...and depending on how it goes, I may call for a repeat. I had a hard time accepting this at first, but I have come to understand in my own mind that I don't just want to make it through this program, I want to finish this program in a Rocky stance...and if I need extra time for my body to get there, then I need to give it that time and stop being so hard on it!

Thursday - Line dancing or Zumba...maybe
It depends...I'm supposed to meet a friend to exchange gifts on either Wednesday or Thursday, so I may not get to the gym in time. If I get to the gym when it's still open and classes are over, I'll elliptical it! If the gym is closed, I'll come home and play some Kinect sports or something.

Friday - W4D3? and ST ST ST
Again, I may need to repeat this week. It all depends on how tomorrow goes. The goal is to walk/run 3 days this week and not worry so much about the "I MUST continue to move ahead" idea that floats around in my brain. Have to remember that I have to hit the gym early this day because they're closing at noon again and this may be the day I'm meeting up with Mom.

Saturday - Choice day!
The gym will be closed, but I can make something happen. Walk with the dog. Kinect Sports. I also got Just Dance 2 from my MIL, so I can try that. And I still have my yoga or 30DS DVDs. I have options here, and I have to remember that!

4) PLAN for Vegas!
My plan for Vegas is not just activities I want to also includes what places to eat, what good healthy options I have available to me, and what cocktails are the best calorie bang for my buck.

5) ST ST ST!!
It needs to be said again! *lol* This week I want to build a solid foundation of self-run upper, core, and leg even when I don't get to the gym, I can make ST a regular part of my life. Right now I'm thinking:

* Push-ups (modified, and attempting some regular)
* Planks (modified and regular)
* Dumbbell presses, shoulder raises, bicep curls, etc.
* Crunches
* Bicycle crunches
* Reverse crunches
* Crunches with twist
* Bridges
* Squats
* Walking lunges

6) Blog 2010
I want to reflect this week on what I did, and think more about my plans for 2011 (My Year of Adventure!). This week is a week of reflection and, for once, I have a LOT of great things to reflect upon!!

What are your plans for the last week of 2010? Are you ready to give 2011 a warning as to what to expect from you?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ATREAT4ME 1/13/2011 7:32AM

    Wow, Esther! You should teach a course on planning. I could use your ideas, input, and help! I have one goal I want to work on for 2011. This year, our city's annual 10K run is on my birthday. I'll be 46. I've walked the 10K before but I would like to run it.

The impediment I face are my weak butt muscles. (Yes, I laugh every time I say that. And I say it that way to make myself laugh!) Anyhow, left glute medial and right glute max are a pain in my ... hip!

So my plan for the 2011 Q1 is to do as much PT as I can, walk at lunch 4Xs/week, ride my bicycle to work (as much as weather and familial obligations allow), and portion control.

My goal is to run what I can of the 10K. I don't care how much, but some of it. Nothing yet has me smiling as much as when I'm running. And nothing makes me smile bigger than the feeling that I am a runner, running with a bunch of other runners. I love that feeling.

Thank you for asking!

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NATNATGETSFIT 12/31/2010 1:27PM

    Great job! I love how organized and honest this blog just lay it all out there.

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SUGIRL06 12/29/2010 7:31AM

My goal this week is to get back to normal eating. Clean foods when possible, "normal" weight loss calorie ranges again, lots of fruits and veggies. Just eat healthy! Have to get rid of all the sweets in the house too. Have a great week girlie!

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BOOGERBUTT 12/28/2010 11:28PM

    Awesome loss this week!! I like how yu outline your plan...wish I had some of that organization skill. Maybe I should write it out in my weekly planner?! Thinking I am going to have to now that I am going back to school. Watch out 2011...I have a feeling it is going to be a year of Great Loss! :)

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RIGBY31 12/27/2010 8:37PM

    OK, your weight loss for the week wins the prize! emoticon
I, too, can almost not wait for 2011... gung ho!

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CANOGAPARKGAL 12/26/2010 10:44PM

    You are planning to SUCCEED! Hooray for you. emoticon

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DETERMINED_SOUL 12/26/2010 3:59PM

    You are doing such a fantastic job!!! I love reading your blogs, they give me great motivation.

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 12/26/2010 12:20PM

    emoticon Awesome losing weight right here at Christmas. Your planning and organizing skills are such a gift. If some could rub off on me that would be great. Hope you have a successful and blessed New Year. Reaching places even beyond your expectations. emoticon

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 12/26/2010 11:51AM

    Wow! Congrats on that huge loss for the week. What a complete victory for you! I am going to be pulling for you to see that number on the scale... You totally deserve it Esther.

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DOWNTOWNJEN 12/26/2010 11:18AM

    I love your blogs! You go girl! You have great ideas - I love the one random day off idea although I am not ready for it quite yet. I want to hear more about the kinect experience - I am thinking of getting one, or a wii. Take care of that hip - I know it's a pain but you need that hip to carry you on to your year of adventure and beyond!

Can't wait to see what you're up to next!

emoticon emoticon on the weight loss! emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 12/26/2010 11:25:37 AM

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Making Plans and Setting Goals (with Pics)

Thursday, December 23, 2010

While I've been a whirlwind of emotion lately, and even though I'm sore all over and forced into a rest day today from a badly pulled hip injury, my mood today is light and bright and cheery. Why? you ask. Well, because I have a plan!

I love making plans. It's probably one of my most favorite things to do. I'm a girl with a to do list that includes "make a to do list" on it. I'm the one with the vacation binders, planned out vacations with budgets of the money allowances for each day and the planned activities for family and friends and I. I'm the girl that doesn't feel ready unless I have a plan B, C and D in place - my own version of "expect the unexpected" is "plan for the unexpected."

So, the other day, while my mind was a wreck, I thought to myself, "What better way to bring me out of this funk, then to make plans for the new year?" And I did. And it was GOOD! *lol*

I started by simply making a list. In English classes, we call it brainstorming or freewriting. You don't edit. Every crazy thing you can think of goes on the can weed out the bad seeds later. I wrote down everything. Things I wanted to accomplish. Stuff I wanted to try. Stuff I wanted for myself (like rewards). I just kept writing. Weight goals. Fitness goals. Goals for new activities to try. Clothing size goals, dreams, thoughts. All of it went down on paper.

I let that sit for a few days, adding here and there, and then I remembered this wonderful poster board I had bought at the store for a new vision collage.

I wanted a new vision collage because the old one just wasn't doing it for me anymore. But the poster board sat there for a long time, because my motivation and my ideas of what could be were just ...not here. I tried, I really did. I cut out things from magazines, but I just wasn't feeling it...

So once I had my goals all laid out, I started making my calendars for each month...much like ABETTERCHERYL did. Much like Cher, I like to plan with a goal, or a thought in mind for the month. Whether it's simply something like "consistency" or it's more thought out, I like to have a focus word for my workouts and my meals.

Problem was, I wasn't going to plan what I would do in April as far as workouts and such, because I had no clue what my body would be ready for by I had to back peddle a little bit. I completed January's calendar and then went through and labeled each month with a thought that meant something for that month, and that went pretty well. I let that sit for a few days before I finally realized that I had to split this up. I obviously couldn't complete some of my goals in the winter, and I didn't want to wait too long and then spend my time scrambling to see what I could complete by the end of the year. So this is what happened...

I figured the easiest thing to do was to split the year into equal parts. Four segments of 3 months each (you only see parts 2-4'll get part 1 later on), all generally centered around one season/one general climate and weather condition.

Part one - January through March is the end of winter and the beginning of Spring type temps.
Part two - April through June is full on Spring weather, getting warmer.
Part three - July through September are those scorching summer months.
Part four - October through December is when the weather changes and we have to start moving indoors again.

These segments seemed more manageable than tackling a full year head on. About 90 days each, much like a rehab-type program. And that's what I'm doing...I'm rehabing my life.

I started to realize that from what I had written down, one thing was clear - I wanted adventure! I wanted to try all those things I never thought I could or should. I wanted to scare myself a little. I wanted to challenge myself. The weight goals were only important if they opened a new door (like the weight limit of 290 for canopy ziplining here in WV). 2011 was going to be my year of new. My challenges to myself. My journey to find out who I really was, what I really liked, and what in the world brings me joy.

I got all this from reading more of my Winning After Losing book. One of the goals in the book is to start to love the world - to find things that bring you joy and pleasure that DO NOT include food. What do I love? Who am I? How can I enjoy my new life, this new-found freedom that comes from losing 80 pounds (and more to come)? For once, I'm opening doors and walking through them, not standing outside looking in the window and wondering what it would be like. I might love some things and I might hate others...but the true goal is to find out what interests me without considering my weight restrictions (and the restrictions I place on myself because I believe my weight will make me look "strange" to others I might encounter doing the same things).

So I've dubbed 2011 - The Year of Adventures!

I was talking to one of my best friends about this and we (I) decided that this year we're going to scare ourselves a little. I'm all set to do these on my own, but I think it might be fun to have some company along the way. My thought is to do one thing a month that scares us, at least a little...and do more if we have time. And I hope to scrapbook and blog the entire journey along the way! (I'm emailing a guy today about a private boxing lesson for the two of us next month! SO fun! No sparring, just technical boxing and such so we can get a workout and learn the techniques I can take to the gym with me on my own.)

So this is one of the finished posters - part one of 2011. I left the others in pencils, just in case I need to swap out plans here and there. We never know what could happen or where I'll be just months from now. I'm learning more and more that the more time I devote to myself, the more changes I seem to see...and having a plan B in place is my super-duper important steadying thought...always! *lol*

First off, I listed 11 goals for each part of the year. (11 for 2011! :) )
Next to that, I listed the reward I will give myself if I achieve that goal. (I have to say, this is still one of the hardest ones for me, but I'm challenging myself to do this as well.)
1. Log 90 Miles (equals one mile a day) -- * 3 New CDs
2. Lose 20 Pounds -- *Mani/pedi
3. Complete Couch 2 5k Program -- *New running shoes
4. Finish 2 Races -- * Magazine subscription
5. Complete 30 Day Shred -- * New fitness DVD
6. Finish "Winning After Losing" -- * The Spark book
7. Read 3 Books (including 1 for research) -- * Kindle audio book
8. Do 1-minute plank -- * Kettleball w/DVD
9. Log 3,900 Fitness Minutes -- * New workout outfit
10. Attend 20 Zumba classes -- * Zumba gear
11. Fit into size 24 jeans -- * New power outfit

Next, I listed the little words I put on my calendar for the three months.

... it's a new year and a new you! Start at Step 1 and build a solid foundation.
... learn how to love the world, not food. And always, always, always love yourself!
... count your blessings, including the amazing support of old friends, new friends, and family.

This is what my calendars say:
January - It's a New Year and a New You! Start at Step 1!
February - Love the World and Yourself
March - Count Your Blessings

Thankfully, there was room to really expand upon those a little on the poster.

And finally, a quote to close out the whole 3 months. Something for me to remember when I walk out the door to go to the gym, or whenever my courage is failing me. This one is the one I shared yesterday with all of you in my blog. Love it!

I'm starting my year off with a plan, because I never was really good with spontaneity (maybe that's something else I'll work on!). Plus, I have found that having plans and goals keeps me on track, even if I don't hit all my goals, just knowing they're there push me to work harder than if I just accepted this as any other day.

Just thinking about all the things I've accomplished this year that are completely new to me - tennis, 5ks, 10ks, running, Zumba, hiking, boxing, line dancing, pilates, yoga. All things for years I told myself I couldn't do. Things I really couldn't do at first because I was so out of shape. I worked myself into them. And if that's what I did when not even trying, what can I do when I set out to really challenge myself? What can I do now that I'm in the best shape of my adult life? The sky is the limit, and I'm totally ready for the adventure!!

Anybody want to take an adventure with me?!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ATREAT4ME 1/13/2011 7:20AM

    Awesome, Esther! You are fantastic and amazing and impressive. I am most impressed with the time you are spending with yourself, getting to know and discover yourself. It is impressive because that's the first thing I sacrifice as life demands more of me. I admire your posters, your ability to sit and think what is it that you want. Great job! 2011 will be your year!

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MISSMERRYMAC 1/2/2011 1:01PM

    I love your blog! It is so helpful. I am just the opposite. I struggle with plans & planning. Seeing the pictures of & hearing the description of your process has motivated me and given me a hope that i can learn how to do this. thank you!

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QT2BEE 1/2/2011 12:17PM

    OMG your blog could have been written by me - about me!!!! I am going to begin my journey with visualizations as you have!!! I would love to have you keep me accountable!!! Also, have you thought about turning this journey into some type of SparksTeam? I think you'd make a great leader!

Please keep us posted! emoticon emoticon

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YOGAGIRL289 1/1/2011 8:15PM

  What an excellent idea! Your post has inspired me to come up with my own list of goals, rewards, and reminders/quotes. Thank you!

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RAINSPARK 1/1/2011 2:58PM

    Thanks for the great blog. I'm ready to take hold of my life and embrace the adventure too! Happy New Year!!!

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ELLIENOV 1/1/2011 4:37AM

  Love this idea am off to do the same for myself.
my quote is a little self love goes along way!

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SPORTY07 12/31/2010 5:53PM

    An awesome idea! Wish you all the best.

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BRAVENEWGRL 12/30/2010 11:17AM

    I love the idea of breaking the year into three parts! Great idea! And it sounds like your plan is a good one. Have fun on this year of adventure. I'm going to add you as a friend so I can follow your journey.

Happy New Year!!!

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RAVENSONG37 12/30/2010 9:12AM

    I love your plan and I know you will be so successful this year! I'm behind you 1000%!

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SASSAGAIN 12/28/2010 8:51PM

    Amazing. Simply amazing. You are gonna do IT!!!!!

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MAGPIE17 12/28/2010 8:37PM

    Your plan kind of reminds me of "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin....highly recommend it!

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NINNY165 12/26/2010 12:47PM

    I am ready for an adventure this year. emoticon I will begin working on this today. My goal to have it completed by December 312010. Thank you for providing the template... will begin today, by brainstorming. I feel alive with excitement...2011 is the year that I will begin the journey full force.

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NINNY165 12/26/2010 12:47PM

    I am ready for an adventure this year. emoticon I will begin working on this today. My goal to have it completed by December 312010. Thank you for providing the template... will begin today, by brainstorming. I feel alive with excitement...2011 is the year that I will begin the journey full force.

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ALASKASKY 12/25/2010 1:31PM


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_DASH_ 12/24/2010 1:48PM

    beautiful!!!! i love your year of adventures and goals/rewards lists!!! perfect. i KNOW 2011 is going to so be your year!!!

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SHEILA1505 12/24/2010 4:57AM

    Wow! This is great and well worth incorporating into my thinking for 2011 - I love the idea of scaring ourselves silly every once in a while and you are going to be getting lots and lots of rewards by the end of March!


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ZMICHE 12/23/2010 11:48PM

    This is SO awesome!! emoticon for sharing!! :)

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 12/23/2010 6:30PM

    love love love times a million!!! I was SO hoping to see a pic of you in the dress (which should totally be your NYE dress. Come on, PCB wants to see!!!

Much love sent your way. I love your adventures. I am signing up for the Go Commando tonight emoticon

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ERIN1128 12/23/2010 6:27PM

    Esther, I am in awe. What a wonderful thing, to sit down and brainstorm your way to figuring out what you really want! You've given me a lot of ideas to ponder, thank you!

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JOJOBURG 12/23/2010 5:05PM

    Great!! You're enthusiasm is contagious!! You gave me new ideas for my New Year's plan!!

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AUNTIELES53 12/23/2010 3:01PM

    love this blog :)

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SARASHAPESUP 12/23/2010 2:55PM

    I love this!!! You did such a good job putting it into words. I am so going to "copy" you! :) Love it.

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 12/23/2010 1:55PM

    I'm ready for an adventure. Maybe I'll make a list over my next couple of days off. I was going to make a goal list anyways, why not throw some challenges in there.

You are going to accomplish great things in 2011

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KRYS210 12/23/2010 1:54PM

    I love your enthusiasm and planning. I'm a list-type person as well so I understand your method. Keep us posted how things progress. I'm cheering for you!

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EBIELOU 12/23/2010 1:46PM

    Wow! This inspired me for my plans for the year!!

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RUSSELLORAMA 12/23/2010 1:02PM

    I'm there with you! What an awesome plan! I like the idea of breaking it up into 90-day segments. It doesn't seem nearly as insurmountable that way!

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CALLIKIA 12/23/2010 12:39PM

    Steal away! I love to see my OCD rubbing off on other people! *lol*

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MONIQUEARIELLE 12/23/2010 12:37PM

    love love love! and i'm stealing! :) you're going to have an incredible 2011!

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ABETTERCHERYL 12/23/2010 12:32PM

    OMG, I love this so much I can't even explain.

Love it. All of it.

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Building Wonders

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

As those who follow my blogs have gotten to see, I've spent the last week and a half or so in utter chaos. My self-control flew right out the window. I was trying my best to stay on task, but my focus was gone and I couldn't keep it going for very long. I still worked out 3 days last week, but it did nothing to really improve my mood. I ate good when I felt that control, but then it all went to hell and I was back to eating whatever I wanted, whenever, and however much. I didn't care. That's what I told myself in those moments. I was too tired to fight anymore. I wanted what I wanted and I didn't care about the consequences.

Each day I woke up thinking, "Okay, restart...let's try this again." I had a few days where I had a few good hours, but it mostly fell apart by the time I got home. I cried at random. I cried until it hurt and then, at times, I refused to cry. I didn't know what was wrong, even though I tried and tried to narrow it down. I'm still not even really sure where the rock came that made me stumble and fall, but I'm starting to think it was more like a collection of little rocks, little things that were bothering me, scaring me, or things I had held back on dealing with. One of them would have easily been stepped on, forgotten and moved on from...but the mass amount build-up of so many little things created a disaster zone, and I had no real hope of doing anything but what I did...trying to make it through, and falling over and over again as I tried to get up.

On Sunday I vowed that I was done. I wrote a beautiful blog about what I was learning from my fall from grace, and that helped keep me on track for about three hours. At the movie, I ate lots of popcorn. And later, I think there was pizza. A LOT of pizza.

On Monday, I went to work like always. As I was getting out of my car, I looked up at the building and said, "Okay, Esther. Enough. This is it. This may be as good as it's ever going to get, and you need to learn how to live with that." And I cried a little inside my heart, gathered my belongings and tried to have a good day. I went to the gym later and felt like a zombie. I had no plan. I was like a blind person stumbling through. I saw a girl from Yoga class in the locker room. "I've missed this class so much!" she said excitedly. I smiled and echoed her sentiment, and followed her upstairs, and got out a mat and started class. And I grumbled in my head all the way through it. I don't remember the last time I used the word "hate" so much in one hour, except maybe when I was like 16 and hated everything and everyone for a while. I couldn't focus. I stayed in class and did every move until it was complete, but I didn't really care. I couldn't even lay still in corpse pose!

After Yoga I got on the elliptical and started hating on the girl next to me. (She is rather rude and annoying, as I was witness to one of her outbursts one night as a Pilates class used the area SHE wanted to work out in and she started saying things like, "This is stupid! Why don't you people move and let me do some REAL exercise!" Her boyfriend (i'm assuming) tried to quiet her, but she wasn't having it, even though they knew I could hear them (i wasn't in the class...I haven't been back since that first one) "What?" she said. "I don't care! They're just stretching! It's stupid!" I struggled with two thoughts in that moment, "Holy CRAP! Just stretching?! I would wager you have never tried that JUST STRETCHING there!" and "OMG! She thinks it's completely stupid and I wasn't even able to do it...I must REALLY suck!"....that was another one of those pebbles I talked about earlier.)

After 33 minutes on the elliptical at a pretty high intensity (for me...biatch next to me was pedaling like her friggin' mini shorts were on fire!), I did a few laps walking around the gym, and then did a lap of running. I was testing my hip, that's been hurting since I did Week 4, Day 1 last Saturday (another pebble). I went home and told myself I'd done good...but I didn't friggin' care. I ate and ate...and when that didn't work, I made Hubs go get me more cigs (I've been trying to stop smoking...another pebble) and a Big Mac and Fries from McD' 10:30pm! And I ate every bite, even though while he was gone I questioned myself because I knew I was already full. (That full feeling left when the food came...)

Tuesday morning I woke up and actually blurted out loud, "Okay, Esther. ENOUGH! You've had your fun...if that's what you're calling it. Now stop!" My stomach hurt. I had already admitted to Hubs the night before that I shouldn't have had the McD's. I knew better and I did it anyways. Stupid. I had a pretty good day. I skipped breakfast because I wasn't feeling well, but ate some oatmeal when I got to work. I felt in a better mood, and suddenly started making plans for the new year. I wasn't sure why, but everything felt a little easier to imagine in my head...and I just rode that wave all day.

After work I headed to the gym, and then talked myself into a detour to my son's school, where I hoped to meet his basketball coach. When I stopped at home to pee and saw my three boys sitting there, I admitted to Hubs that I had the strong urge to skip the gym and just go get something to eat with them, but that I didn't want to actually skip the gym. I looked at the clock. 5:30pm. "You know," I told him, all crafty like, "Zumba doesn't start until 7pm..."

I ate Ponderosa last night. Yes, I went to a buffet before I went to work out, but I ate in moderation because I did not want to be in physical pain from being stuffed throughout my entire workout. I indulged a bit, but I kept it reasonable. I felt myself regaining control little by little. And I soared in Zumba class after my instructor announced to everyone that I had won our Biggest Loser challenge by losing 12.5 inches overall in 8 weeks. And then she asked how much weight I had lost, and I went ahead and told them 80 pounds, even though I knew I was up a few from that. And everyone cheered and congratulated me and I had the balls to simply THANK THEM without shrugging it off as nothing.

Later that night, I had one brief thought about eating a cookie or something, but I stuck to a simple after-workout snack of my missed breakfast from the morning, and then had some Candy Cane Lane decaf tea and went to bed around 11pm.

This morning, I felt SO SORE in my body, but SO STRONG in my mind and spirit. I'm slowing returning to stable ground. I'm slowly getting my feet back under me...and I'm looking out for those pebbles, because I know that I'm sore and bruised right now. I'm not in the best shape. I don't have my invincible attitude anymore...I have to build that up again. But while I'm scared that I'll fall down again (a reason I wasn't here yesterday...I was trying so hard to focus and to not say something I wasn't going to do..I wanted to have one day of OKAY or even GOOD behind me before I tried to say anything else), I'm here. I'm showing up.

I spent the day putting together posters for my 2011 goals (which I'll share later). Four posters, splitting the year into 3-month segments, basically in seasons/season transitions....each with 11 goals for those 3 months, and 11 rewards for those goals. I've got a little more bounce in my step today. A little more shine in my shoes. I'm not going to get cocky again, I just want to stay proud and strong so that this new foundation I'm building is even better than the last one. I'm thinking of it like this quote I found today....

"Never worry about the delay in success because construction of wonders takes more time than ordinary building." -Vipin

Tonight I have my Week 4, Day 2 run scheduled from C25k. I have to say, I'm still very nervous. My hip is still a little sore, and I don't know how that will work out in the run. But for right now, I refuse to use that as an excuse to not try. I will work through it, alter my form if need be, and simply try to make it through my run steady and slow. And, if it pulls or feels too uncomfortable, I'll do something else. I'll walk a 5k or get back on the elliptical. As for the regularly scheduled ST tonight, I may skip it but I'm just not sure... First of all, I don't want to overwork the hip, but it is probably good to work it some. On the other hand, I've done yoga and some Zumba toning in the past 2 days (including a LOT of leg and hip work last night!) and I may need to give it some real rest. We'll play it by ear, but I will vow to myself right now to work out at least 30 minutes tonight, and to shoot for 45, whatever I end up doing.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ATREAT4ME 1/13/2011 7:08AM

    I am in constant awe at your ability to assess your efforts so frankly. That is a huge, HUGE skill and a real blessing in this journey.

It is a long trip. And the Christmas holidays are so difficult. There's extra to do, it's on-going from Thanksgiving to New Year's, the pressure of doing it right for the kiddos, the parties, the false confidence from a successful Thanksgiving (maybe that's just mine!), not to mention the cold(er) weather. I do love me the holidays, but IMHO the wise men couldn't get to Bethlehem fast enough for me!

But Thank God we're in the New Year! And Thank God you've been working on your posters and you have a plan of what 2011 will look like for you. Now you can start working on that and I'm sure your mojo will return promptly.

Becareful with the hip pain. I like that you're taking the time to strengthen it. My running is sidelined right now because of hip pain. I'm seeing and Awesome PT guy and working to strengthen all the muscles in my upper legs and butt to better support my hips. I'll be eager to see how you progress.

Take care, my Friend! You are doing awesome and I am so proud of you!

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BTINTERNET 12/23/2010 10:45AM

    I love watching you learn (and can't wait to see your posters - what a great idea!); you're an inspiration. Merry Christmas dear heart!

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LEAN-N-LEXY 12/23/2010 9:54AM

You are learning. Try not to be so hard on yourself for what in the long run is a short period of time.

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RIGBY31 12/23/2010 12:54AM

    You and I are leading parallel lives... seriously! From the crying (what's up with that?!) to the food. Where we part ways, my dear, is that you are working out. Even if your heart wasn't totally into it, you did it. Me, not so much. So good for you, love your plan to keep trying.

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MAMADWARF 12/22/2010 5:59PM

    from one stumbler to another, carry on.

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    I get on hate-streaks, too, at times. I don't know what brings it out of me, but man, when it happens, its ugly. I hate on everything internally. I hate slow people, I hate people who talk too much, I hate machines, I hate sounds, I hate it all. But eventually with all my b-tching in my head, I get myself to laugh...which is what means I've at least broken my spell of angry feelings. It is a nearly impossible feat, but once I'm over the anger, it's like it never happened.
I'm glad you're feeling better. :) I love reading your blogs and I thank you for sharing all that's been going on with you. Keep going, girl!! You're doing great!!

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BELLALUCIA 12/22/2010 5:33PM

    Great blog! Keep at it old gal, lol!

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RAVENSONG37 12/22/2010 5:29PM

    I just have to did so much right while your head was outta the game. And look how quickly you are getting back up. I'm so awed by you.

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CBAILEYC 12/22/2010 3:26PM

    I've been reading along, and while I appreciate all your blogs (I really do!) I like this one very much. It's great to post about successes and triumph, and we all love them and cheer them. It's important, though, to post about the struggles, the stumbles, the effort to get back up and start moving again.

I applaud you for doing this. Nevermind being honest with us, it's HUGE that you're honest with yourself. Well done.

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DOWNTOWNJEN 12/22/2010 3:24PM

    Great blog! Thanks for sharing. And thanks too for being able to accept people's happiness and excitement about your amazing weight loss.

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KARVY09 12/22/2010 3:23PM

Sounds like you learned a lot from your week "off." I think we all need something like that, I think.

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LIFEGENESIS 12/22/2010 2:55PM

    ((HUGS)) :D

I am so proud of you for taking the time to share with us. It is tough when you are having those pebbles build up and then they overwhelm you from the inside.

CONGRATS on being the biggest loser! That is amazing!

I know you may not have noticed...but as your were blogging I was reading, "So I did the whole thing all the way through....but wasn't didn't care" type thing and the FIRST thing that came to my mind was, "Wait. She did it ALLL the way through? How often does ANYONE complete an exercise workout ALLL the way through?" THAT IS AMAZING! Great job! Even if your mind isn't rocking it right now, your body still has the strength the carry you through the rough patches and that is AWESOME! Look how far you have come! WOOT!

So glad you are starting to feel better! And I am super stoked to see your posters and plan, I could use some ideas on how to chart out my goals too and you got me interested!

Keep rocking it!


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Weigh-In Day and The Importance of Lessons Learned

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Weigh-In Day

Last Week: 335.4
Goal this week: 333.4
Actual Weight: 337.0
Loss/Gain: +1.6

So I gained overall this week...and it's all due to my eating habits, and I know it.

But do you know what else I gained this week?
emoticon The knowledge that even "bad" days can teach me things I need to learn about what to do to make my goals.

emoticon The knowledge that failing at a certain goal isn't the end of the world. Today is a new day, and the start of a new week.

emoticon The knowledge that I can run for 5 minutes straight...combined with the knowledge that I still need ST to strengthen my hips. My hip hurt BAD yesterday, but it feels a lot better today. All along I kept thinking, "My hip still needs strength...I'm not done yet. I'm not a runner quite yet..."

emoticon The support of SparkFriends who understand that I'm not perfect, and that being an "inspiration" doesn't mean I always do what I know is right, sometimes it's falling, scraping your knee, getting back up, and limping your way to the finish line.

emoticon The knowledge that the scale does not define who I am as a person. This week I have also been a great mother and a good wife. I have triumphed in the gym, I have suffered through workouts I didn't want to do or even go to. I have (mostly) finished all my Christmas shopping and have made this holiday an amazing one for my boys (seriously, they are going to be spoiled rotten!! *lol*).

emoticon The realization that holidays are a very stressful time, even when you think you've got it all made. I wasn't worried about Christmas, but I should have been. I should have made a plan to get through this holiday like I did to get through Thanksgiving. I didn't understand that the talk and look of holiday sweets would still get to me, so maybe I need to make a plan to indulge in a cookie here or there without letting myself have blanket permission to eat whatever I want.

Goals for next week:

Weight: 335 or lower
Workouts: Workout at least 4 days this week

Monday - C25k W4D2 (maybe! If the hip feels good) and/or Yoga class and ST
Tuesday - Line dancing or Zumba class
Wednesday - C25k W4D3 and ST
Thursday - Line dancing or Zumba or elliptical
Friday - C25k W5D1 or elliptical and ST...I hope! Going to have to get up early because my gym is closing at noon!
Saturday - OFF

Weeks ago I set what I call "guilt-free rest days" on my iPhone calendar. I get one every few months, and last time I ignored the thing and worked out anyhow. But there's another one coming up...on Christmas Day, no I'm going to try to give myself that one and just enjoy the day with family.

Nutrition: Stay around 1800 calories

I've been so hungry lately, and then when I'm not hungry, I've been craving food. So instead of setting strict nutrition goals this week, I'm going to just reign in my calories. 1800 calories. It doesn't matter where they come from, but when I get there I need to just stop. I can do that...I know because I've done it before and did it for months!

I know I had this problem before when I was running, and that time I just gave in and stopped. But this time, I want it much more. I want to be able to run. I want to complete C25K so I can RUN my 5ks next year. I want to show myself that I can do it, I can run while chubby, as Karvy says. So this time I'm not giving up on the running, but, instead, I'm going to work on figuring out what exactly my body needs to fuel and recover from my runs. It's going to be difficult, I think, but I need to figure it out now, or risk always giving up on myself and my ability to run...and I just can't stomach that anymore.

And one final challenge to myself...
Today Hubs wants to go to the movies to see Tron. My goal is to get through the movie without any more than two handfuls of popcorn. I need to learn that these two things don't have to go together. I need to understand that a movie CAN be enjoyed without also enjoying popcorn, soda and candy. This is a huge lesson for me, because, even as a kid, when we went to the movies, the treats were a big part of it, usually because we were so poor that we were denied what we really wanted and had to substitute what we could afford (usually meant sneaking food in our purses). When I became an adult, I started getting popcorn every time, even when I wasn't hungry, just because I could. It's time to break this rebellious habit and move on to healthier ones - like simply enjoying watching a movie with my kids.

I got on myself the other day about not finishing this year strong. It was a goal of mine to just blaze through December without a care in the world, to keep losing and show myself I could finish 2010 with consistency. And I got down on myself for not doing that, for failing. But today I realized that I AM finishing December strong. I know you're thinking, "How? You GAINED weight the past two weeks!" but I'm starting to believe that this lesson I'm learning is more important than getting under 330. Not only because it will help me GET under 330, but because I will carry it into the new year with me. I will start 2011 knowing that I can fall and can get back up, and that meeting some weight goal is not as important as learning how to handle yourself in stressful and difficult situations. My life isn't what I wanted it to be, and I'm starting to come to terms with that...and that has put my eating and exercise a little out of whack. But if I can get through this and move on, I'll know that I can do it again when the situation comes up again. In my runs, once I get to the second running segment of the same length, I always tell myself, "You know you can do this. How? Because you've already done it once." and that helps to push me through. So learning this lesson is a little like that. Next time I'm feeling down and I start to turn to food, I'm hoping the turn-around will be much quicker because I'll be able to tell myself, "You know you can do this. How? You did it before!"

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ATREAT4ME 1/12/2011 10:52PM

    You are so smart: "meeting some weight goal is not as important as learning how to handle yourself in stressful and difficult situations."


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READINESSISALL 12/22/2010 9:21AM

  Thank you so much for sharing. You are doing such a great job! I'm very proud of you.

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DETERMINED_SOUL 12/22/2010 9:10AM

    Life is about learning lessons...way to go!

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MNGIRLIE 12/20/2010 10:08PM

    I did C25k W3d1 tonight. I'd read your blog earlier in the day and totally used your motivational self talk while I was doing the second running session. The first 3 minute run seemed easier than I expected, but the second one was rough. I just told myself "I can do this, because I did it before!" It was still rough, but I did it.

Your blogs have been so enjoyable to read during your journey. I love that I can totally relate to so much that you write.

You can do this. You ARE a runner.

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MAIA2011 12/20/2010 1:46PM

    Yep! Running makes you a runner!

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THYCKNSWEET 12/20/2010 1:38PM

    emoticon emoticon

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RAVENSONG37 12/20/2010 12:29PM

    I know you can do this Esther.

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SPUNKYDUCKY 12/20/2010 1:11AM

    Congrats on taking good lessons away from this week and congrats on all of the running you have been doing!

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RUSSELLORAMA 12/19/2010 11:05PM


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TIGERJANE 12/19/2010 6:57PM

    omg you are SUCH an amazing writer! You have this way of perfectly transferring thoughts to words, and this blog really spoke to me. We may be at different weights, but I feel like we deal with similar issues and obstacles, and it's reassuring to know others have similar struggles. A few difficult weeks or not, you continue to be a a source of inspiration for me.

And I agree with other commentors - you ARE a runner, own it!

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COWCUTTER05 12/19/2010 3:44PM

    Very powerful lessons we all need to learn, thank you for sharing!

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CHICAT63 12/19/2010 2:17PM

    Hmmm, I agree with Mezzoangel you are a runner waiting to be discovered *smile* give yourself credit where credit is due. When myself I started I could barely run 5 minutes, I remember saying to myself: " You are frigging nuts to even try running at 40 year old and this weight". Slowly but surely you will get there - I am totally confident for you !

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 12/19/2010 1:34PM

    You are a success. You are a winner. emoticon

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RIGBY31 12/19/2010 12:24PM

    Doing something everyday towards your goal is a victory (even if it's just thinking *I shouldn't have this 10th cookie!*). You have a terrific mindset and a big heart.... I like that you aren't tooo hard on yourself. Everyday is a new day, thank goodness!

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SARAWALKS 12/19/2010 11:58AM

    "I know you're thinking, 'How? You GAINED weight the past two weeks!'"
NO! NOT thinking that! NOT NOT NOT!
Thinking, pretty good for the holidays, and emoticon evaluation of your overall journey, and emoticon insight into longterm goals.
MUCH more important than a tiny gain which will be gone so quickly!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MAMADWARF 12/19/2010 11:43AM

    Have a great day at the movie with the family. I,too, struggle at the movies. Alot of times, I will not get any popcorn because I plan to eat before we go but if Frank gets it, I have to have some. I allow myself 5 handfuls (I figure that is about 3-4 cups), no butter. And I get water cause everyone knows popcorn doesnt taste as good without a big cold soda!
(I also have popped my own 100 calorie bag at home and smuggled it in). On the nutrition tracker, there is AMC movie theater popcorn to help you track what you can eat or what you did eat. I also let Frank hold it so I dont eat as much.

I am learning to separate movies with the snacks, too. I am getting there and we go to the movies alot so it is a valuable lesson for me!!

I wanted to hit my 60 pound loss this weekend. Didnt make it. BUT I havent gained any and I have been baking so I count that as success. I will hit my 60 before christmas and then my plan is to maintain till new years since we are going away. Goal lines can be moved. Sometimes they have to be. Keep on, you are doing awesome.

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KIMBANN 12/19/2010 11:00AM

    I am glad you're going easy on yourself on this - it's such a tough time of the year. The lessons learned are important ones, as is staying in the game.

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CALLIKIA 12/19/2010 10:54AM

    Yeah, I thought about editing that to say, "I'm not the runner I WANT TO BE quite yet." I want to be able to run and feel good after my run. I want to feel strong through. I know there will be times I don't feel it, but I want to get to the point where physical pain doesn't accompany a run.

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 12/19/2010 10:51AM

    You totally have this, however I think I need to disagree with you about the running thing. I think you are a runner RIGHT NOW. Want to know why? Because you RUN. It doesn't matter how long or how fast... simply that you are choosing to pursue it. I worked on adopting that mindset early on and _DASH_ gave me the courage to realize it. Own it woman, because you are a RUNNER!

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