Thursday, December 30, 2010
I ate. And tried to fake a smile. (My birthday bash had to be postponed due to stupid snow and I was P.O.ed!)
I was uncomfortable all the time. Uncomfortable in my own skin. Unhappy with myself.
I tried not to have too much of a good time and felt uncomfortable standing next to my gorgeous and skinny friends. I heard the laughter and jeers from all around me and, even though I tried to ignore them, it broke my heart and my spirit.
I tried to find my best angle in the lens...but started to realize the best pictures were those with the least of me in them at all. Plus, everything looked puffy...all the time. No sharp angles. I didn't think this is what they meant by "curves."
One thing I couldn't escape was my reflection...and I didn't like it anymore.
I was sad and tired...
And then I went out one day, and I bought a bed just for me. One that I wanted. With my own money (and it wasn't cheap!). It was the most expensive thing I ever bought. A king sized bed for me and Hubs. Partly because our bed had broken down under my weight, and partly because we had never, not once, owned a brand new bed bought by us for us.
I got more sleep and I started to realize that I was falling back into hiding because I was scared of what people thought of me. (Sleep does wonders for mind, body and spirit!)
So, when we went on vacation, I tried to stop hiding. I wanted to ENJOY my life, not hide from it!
And I let myself be silly again!
And though it hurt to think that this was me...and it took me all week...I finally accepted it.
I guess I knew where I was headed long before I knew it, if that makes any sense. When I pre-ordered our tickets for Medieval Times, I ordered a vegetarian meal for me. And that night I began to realize how amazingly good and filling, and better than any greasy substitute, healthy foods like peppers and wild rice could taste! Healthy food that tasted great - not diet food that tasted like some cardboard-like horrible imitation of the "real" thing.
But I still had a lot of learning to do in the meantime...
I had to forgive and apologize to my legs. I had to accept that they couldn't carry me as well because of what *I* had done to them, the pressure I had put them under. I was ashamed of myself for letting it get this far...again.
I had to embrace my beauty and passion for myself again. I needed to remember why my body was so important to me on a purely aesthetic basis.
And I had to remember what was really important to me.
I knew change was coming when I did THIS on the beach...
I pulled that halter necktie right over my head and sunbathed on the beach. And not once did I worry about what other people thought. I got lost in my head. I got lost in the beauty of the moment. And it was beautiful...
And I had a drink...
...and I told myself to relax. Not at goal weight, but now. I was going to enjoy now.
That trip...and this hat ---
Changed my life. (April 2010)
I was about to graduate. A dream I had once deferred, had been pursued once more. And this time it would not end in guilt and remorse and failure. I had won. I had fought, and I had won, and that diploma in just a short month and a half, was going to be mine.
Suddenly I realized that it's okay to put our goals on hold for just a minute if we need time to readjust. I had become the person I was, and had the success I had in school, because the first time was an utter failure for me.
That next month, I would change my life in other ways. I thought about waiting for a better time...but I soon realized that the best time is RIGHT NOW. While you're thinking of it. While you're motivated and it's fresh in your mind. Tomorrow is never a guarantee, so start today.
Who knows...it could change your life, and take you from this:
(April 3, 2010...just 2 weeks prior to joining SP)
(Today - 12/30/10 2:20pm, while finishing this blog)
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Okay, I'm sure you think it's absolutely hilarious to pick the last week of the year to really screw with me physically, but I want you to know something - you're not going to break me. No way. Not this time. I'm done falling into an emotional trap everytime my body tries to break. Instead, I'm going to find ways to adjust and take it as a lesson learned.
So, this Monday, when you decided to give me an even more severe hip injury when I tried to do 11 minutes of my W4D2 of C25k?
And this Tuesday, when I called off work to do nothing but lay on the couch in order to heal my hip, and you took my Husband away to go help another family member and left me home alone with two very bored children, and THEN decided to hit me with a major headache and a stuffy nose?
And today, when I woke up and the hip felt better but the sinus infection had set in, right alongside these lovely cramps you've graced me with?
Yeah, I'm sure you think it's all very funny. You keep taunting me and I can hear your stupid voice in my head mocking me about my plans to finish 2010 strong. Yep, that's right. I acknowledge you. I HEAR YOU! So shut it already!
Because no matter what you say about all being lost, I realize that it's not. I've come too far to back down now. You've taken me out of the gym for a few days, but you will not take the fight out of me. I will decrease my calories each day to adjust for the decrease in physical activity. I will give myself the forgiveness I need for taking a step back from running right now as I heal. I will also search for a fitting for new running shoes, with the thought that it may very well be part of the problem. And I will drink a ton of water to adjust for the cramps and bloating, and take my vitamins, and get lots of rest (all of which, I'll have you know, will help me to lose weight!). I will question my body daily whether it is ready to return to workouts again.
And when I do go back to the gym, I will go easy on the poor girl -- she's brought me through a lot this year. I will come back quietly and start back slowly. I won't push too hard or too fast. I'll be gradual about it, because she deserves it, this body of mine.
So don't you dare tell me that she's good for nothing because she can't make it through Week 4 of C25k! Don't make her feel less than because she's had a minor setback! This is my fault, not hers...and she has nothing to be ashamed of! This is the same body that:
* walked her first 5k distance at 392 pounds, in midday heat, and swelled up like a balloon, but finished.
* learned to cook healthy meals this year like Vegetable Skillet Couscous, Roasted Vegetables, and Turkey Burgers.
* went from eating Big Macs to eating Tofu and Sushi - and loves it more than any Big Mac ever made!
* went from working out almost never, to working out almost every single day!
* failed at Zumba, then rallied back, and now has hopes and dreams of becoming a certified instructor.
* hiked for five and a half hours at Old Man's Cave in the middle of June, climbing rocks and boulders, climbing up and down rock staircases, over hills, around trees, through creek beds and mud and sludge, and still had the energy to enjoy her family later that night. (Oh, and in case you missed it, she did that at 386+ pounds!)
* traveled to New York City and back in one day to interview for a position in the field she would love to work in, and enjoyed every minute of the flight there, and overcame the challenges of the flight back, and never faultered a moment.
* walked a mile or more into town for the 4th of July parade, and stood for over an hour in the heat without feeling faint, at 380 pounds.
* went from people not saying anything to her, for fear of offending, to constantly being told she was a motivation, inspiration, and should become a personal trainer.
* joined the gym before her insurance gave her the green flag for her weight management program. Why? Because she just couldn't wait!
* went to her first race in August, completely overwhelmed and scared of being judged because of her size. Who proudly walked 3.1 miles, at least 2.5 of those with a huge blister on the bottom of her foot (that wouldn't heal right for at least a month or more!) Who proudly hugged her first-met Sparkie because she felt a kinship that couldn't be denied. Who saw a woman bigger than her, on her stoop, who, when the woman saw her, cheered as loud as she could...and she considered for a moment the magnitude of what it could mean to make this journey public for all to see. Who at 365 pounds, walked those 3.1 miles in under a hour -- 57:21, setting her fastest ever pace time of 18:30 and ended up 661 of 750 walkers.
* did her next race, less than a full month later, with her 8-year old son. Who walked all 6.2 miles (10k) and completed the race proud, even if no one was there to cheer them on. Who taught her son what it meant to make it through, who taught him about mental cheering and positive self-talk, and even mental bribery! (You finish this, you get a big, fat cheeseburger! *lol*) And then showed him what it meant to follow up that promise of reward with actual reward. Who, though she struggled time and again to get past 5 miles on her walks, ended that race with the biggest smile in the world - for the hill she conquered and mileage she put in, and for never, never, never giving up. (And who wasn't last...and whose son actually SLOWED her down! *lol*)
* tried playing tennis, and even if she didn't know what she was doing, had a blast doing it.
* tried boxing, and even if she didn't know what she was doing, had a blast doing it.
* rowed, both on and out of the water, and had a blast doing it!
* put herself in the public's eye by announcing her triumphs and struggles on SparkPeople, FB, in real life, to friends and family, to the world at large, to anyone who would listen, and realized that we can really ALL be in this together, however corny that sounds.
* got frustrated but refused to give up completely.
* taught herself to be honest, even when it hurts.
* got this crazy notion of doing a family 5k, and then actually did it. 3 generations, sisters, mothers, sister from another mother, brothers, daughters, sons, grandmothers, grandsons - all walked and half-ran the Dayton Corridor Classic and two of them actually got first place in their age division (though, they were the only ones IN their age division! *lol*). And got a PR pace and final time.
* still had the energy to finish that race with her Sparkie friend even after walking all around the Ren Faire the day before.
* still had the energy after completing that race on Sunday, to compete in the Auggie's 5k run that Saturday - making that two 5ks in one week! And who signed up as a runner instead of a walker. And who, with her dog, ran a good majority of the 5k distance, including crossing the finish line in record time (for her) -- finishing under 55 minutes (52:32)...even with her dog constantly slowing her down and her knee in constant pain from a pop-out incident earlier that week.
* put in 20 miles of walking in one week while at training in Washington DC earlier this month.
* who has shown me that no matter how many times she falls or hurts or doesn't feel 100%, refuses to give up for all the promises of healthier times ahead.
So you can go on with your cramps, bloating, fatique, sinus headaches, stuffy noses, hip pain, knee pain, ankle pain, and whatever else you want to throw in with that (though, seriously, I think you've given me quite enough already, don't you?), because I won't go down without a fight.
And on Saturday morning, as I awake on the first day of the new year, it's me who will be laughing. Because you will have had your say. Your time will be done, but my time will remain. And for all the things I did in 2010, no thanks to you and your crafty tricks, I will be stronger, wiser, and healthier in the next year.
I hate to say it (not really) because I know you'll be sad (*snicker*), but this love-hate relationship we've got going is coming rapidly to an end. And I have a feeling me and 2011 are going to be happier and closer than you and I ever were!
So take that...and shove it!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
I hope everyone had a wonderful and happy Christmas this year! Mine went well until I realized there was no energy left in me to drive the 3 hours to my mom's house. I hate that I didn't get to see her this year, but we're making plans to meet up this next weekend instead.
Last Week: 337.0
Goal this Week: 335.0
Actual Weight: 332.6
And it's about time! Finally, TOM started to leave me alone. Finally, I started to get my head on straight. And I wasn't perfect this week...not at all! But I made the most of the time I had and pushed where I could.
Starting Weight: 466.6
SP Starting Weight: 416.2
Current Weight: 332.6
SP Total Loss: 83.6
Total Loss: 134.0
My Goals last week were as follows:
Weight: 335 or lower
Workouts: Workout at least 4 days this week
Monday - C25k W4D2 (maybe! If the hip feels good) and/or Yoga class and ST
-- held off on the W4D2 and did the elliptical instead, counted Yoga as my ST
Tuesday - Line dancing or Zumba class
Wednesday - C25k W4D3 and ST
-- I did W4D2, or at least, I did half of it. Then I switched to the elliptical. Did not ST though.
Thursday - Line dancing or Zumba or elliptical
** I didn't do any of it. Both classes were canceled, and after the knee and hip pain I experienced Wednesday, I vowed to take a rest day in hopes of recovering properly
Friday - C25k W5D1 or elliptical and ST...I hope! Going to have to get up early because my gym is closing at noon!
** I didn't get to do W4D2 again because of the hip. In fact, I didn't make it to the gym at all...instead I burned calories by cleaning and then rested some more
Saturday - OFF
** Okay, so I worked out yesterday, but not officially. Santa brought us a Kinect for XBox and I played Kinect Adventures and Kinect Sports, which had me sweating and my heart racing! I can't wait to buy the Biggest Loser workout for Kinect now! It's great to have another (fun!) home workout option!!
Take my guilt-free rest day.
It wasn't completely guilt-free, but I tried. When I set these random guilt-free rest days, my goal was to allow myself the freedom, once in a while, to not think about calories in and calories burned and to just live one day without guilt over it. I let myself have my day. I tried to eat in moderation, though I did eat a little too much over lunch, and had a few too many sweets -- the whole point is to not guilt myself over them. The whole point is to learn to let it go and move on. So that's what I'm doing. I woke up and thought to myself, "Okay, Christmas is over. Time to get back to work!" *lol*
Nutrition: Stay around 1800 calories
** I had a really hard time with this in the beginning of the week, but by midweek I was starting to find my groove again. Months ago, when I finally figured out how to hit my calorie goals and stay in range, when I found that "sweet spot," as I like to call it, I was allowed 2000-2200 calories. It was just a readjustment to eating at this lower level, and I'm working to retrain my body to not expect any more than what it needs.
Now it's time to look ahead. This is the last week of 2010, and I want to go out with consistency and vigor. I want to show 2011 what it has coming for it! *lol*
Plan for this final week of 2011 --
1) Eat around 1800 calories.
I have to make sure I have this readjustment down, because it's only going to help me learn how to listen to my body when calorie counts decrease again. I need to also learn that if I eat more, I have to work it off. I want to keep asking myself, "Is this worth an extra hour in the gym?"
2) Weight Goal: 330.6
Okay, I'm not going to lie. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to see 329 when I head into the New Year, but I have to learn to be realistic again and not push myself so hard. Pushing too hard can have the opposite effect on my body, which I learned in DC.
3) Workout at least 5 days
Here's the fitness plan for this week:
Sunday - OFF...maybe. (I may hit the Kinect up again! *lol*)
Monday - W4D2 of C25k and ST ST ST!!
I MUST get my ST back in my routine, and I really want this week to be the week I work on reviving that. Plus, I think I've given my hip ample time to heal, so I'm back to trying W4D2 again. Whether I make it through or not, I will try.
Tuesday - Line dancing or Zumba
Wednesday - W4D3? and ST ST ST
If all goes well on Monday, I'll be trying to finish week 4 this week...and depending on how it goes, I may call for a repeat. I had a hard time accepting this at first, but I have come to understand in my own mind that I don't just want to make it through this program, I want to finish this program in a Rocky stance...and if I need extra time for my body to get there, then I need to give it that time and stop being so hard on it!
Thursday - Line dancing or Zumba...maybe
It depends...I'm supposed to meet a friend to exchange gifts on either Wednesday or Thursday, so I may not get to the gym in time. If I get to the gym when it's still open and classes are over, I'll elliptical it! If the gym is closed, I'll come home and play some Kinect sports or something.
Friday - W4D3? and ST ST ST
Again, I may need to repeat this week. It all depends on how tomorrow goes. The goal is to walk/run 3 days this week and not worry so much about the "I MUST continue to move ahead" idea that floats around in my brain. Have to remember that I have to hit the gym early this day because they're closing at noon again and this may be the day I'm meeting up with Mom.
Saturday - Choice day!
The gym will be closed, but I can make something happen. Walk with the dog. Kinect Sports. I also got Just Dance 2 from my MIL, so I can try that. And I still have my yoga or 30DS DVDs. I have options here, and I have to remember that!
4) PLAN for Vegas!
My plan for Vegas is not just activities I want to do...it also includes what places to eat, what good healthy options I have available to me, and what cocktails are the best calorie bang for my buck.
5) ST ST ST!!
It needs to be said again! *lol* This week I want to build a solid foundation of self-run upper, core, and leg exercises...so even when I don't get to the gym, I can make ST a regular part of my life. Right now I'm thinking:
* Push-ups (modified, and attempting some regular)
* Planks (modified and regular)
* Dumbbell presses, shoulder raises, bicep curls, etc.
* Bicycle crunches
* Reverse crunches
* Crunches with twist
* Walking lunges
6) Blog 2010
I want to reflect this week on what I did, and think more about my plans for 2011 (My Year of Adventure!). This week is a week of reflection and, for once, I have a LOT of great things to reflect upon!!
What are your plans for the last week of 2010? Are you ready to give 2011 a warning as to what to expect from you?
Thursday, December 23, 2010
While I've been a whirlwind of emotion lately, and even though I'm sore all over and forced into a rest day today from a badly pulled hip injury, my mood today is light and bright and cheery. Why? you ask. Well, because I have a plan!
I love making plans. It's probably one of my most favorite things to do. I'm a girl with a to do list that includes "make a to do list" on it. I'm the one with the vacation binders, planned out vacations with budgets of the money allowances for each day and the planned activities for family and friends and I. I'm the girl that doesn't feel ready unless I have a plan B, C and D in place - my own version of "expect the unexpected" is "plan for the unexpected."
So, the other day, while my mind was a wreck, I thought to myself, "What better way to bring me out of this funk, then to make plans for the new year?" And I did. And it was GOOD! *lol*
I started by simply making a list. In English classes, we call it brainstorming or freewriting. You don't edit. Every crazy thing you can think of goes on the list...you can weed out the bad seeds later. I wrote down everything. Things I wanted to accomplish. Stuff I wanted to try. Stuff I wanted for myself (like rewards). I just kept writing. Weight goals. Fitness goals. Goals for new activities to try. Clothing size goals, dreams, thoughts. All of it went down on paper.
I let that sit for a few days, adding here and there, and then I remembered this wonderful poster board I had bought at the store for a new vision collage.
I wanted a new vision collage because the old one just wasn't doing it for me anymore. But the poster board sat there for a long time, because my motivation and my ideas of what could be were just ...not here. I tried, I really did. I cut out things from magazines, but I just wasn't feeling it...
So once I had my goals all laid out, I started making my calendars for each month...much like ABETTERCHERYL did. Much like Cher, I like to plan with a goal, or a thought in mind for the month. Whether it's simply something like "consistency" or it's more thought out, I like to have a focus word for my workouts and my meals.
Problem was, I wasn't going to plan what I would do in April as far as workouts and such, because I had no clue what my body would be ready for by then...so I had to back peddle a little bit. I completed January's calendar and then went through and labeled each month with a thought that meant something for that month, and that went pretty well. I let that sit for a few days before I finally realized that I had to split this up. I obviously couldn't complete some of my goals in the winter, and I didn't want to wait too long and then spend my time scrambling to see what I could complete by the end of the year. So this is what happened...
I figured the easiest thing to do was to split the year into equal parts. Four segments of 3 months each (you only see parts 2-4 here...you'll get part 1 later on), all generally centered around one season/one general climate and weather condition.
Part one - January through March is the end of winter and the beginning of Spring type temps.
Part two - April through June is full on Spring weather, getting warmer.
Part three - July through September are those scorching summer months.
Part four - October through December is when the weather changes and we have to start moving indoors again.
These segments seemed more manageable than tackling a full year head on. About 90 days each, much like a rehab-type program. And that's what I'm doing...I'm rehabing my life.
I started to realize that from what I had written down, one thing was clear - I wanted adventure! I wanted to try all those things I never thought I could or should. I wanted to scare myself a little. I wanted to challenge myself. The weight goals were only important if they opened a new door (like the weight limit of 290 for canopy ziplining here in WV). 2011 was going to be my year of new. My challenges to myself. My journey to find out who I really was, what I really liked, and what in the world brings me joy.
I got all this from reading more of my Winning After Losing book. One of the goals in the book is to start to love the world - to find things that bring you joy and pleasure that DO NOT include food. What do I love? Who am I? How can I enjoy my new life, this new-found freedom that comes from losing 80 pounds (and more to come)? For once, I'm opening doors and walking through them, not standing outside looking in the window and wondering what it would be like. I might love some things and I might hate others...but the true goal is to find out what interests me without considering my weight restrictions (and the restrictions I place on myself because I believe my weight will make me look "strange" to others I might encounter doing the same things).
So I've dubbed 2011 - The Year of Adventures!
I was talking to one of my best friends about this and we (I) decided that this year we're going to scare ourselves a little. I'm all set to do these on my own, but I think it might be fun to have some company along the way. My thought is to do one thing a month that scares us, at least a little...and do more if we have time. And I hope to scrapbook and blog the entire journey along the way! (I'm emailing a guy today about a private boxing lesson for the two of us next month! SO fun! No sparring, just technical boxing and such so we can get a workout and learn the techniques I can take to the gym with me on my own.)
So this is one of the finished posters - part one of 2011. I left the others in pencils, just in case I need to swap out plans here and there. We never know what could happen or where I'll be just months from now. I'm learning more and more that the more time I devote to myself, the more changes I seem to see...and having a plan B in place is my super-duper important steadying thought...always! *lol*
First off, I listed 11 goals for each part of the year. (11 for 2011! :) )
Next to that, I listed the reward I will give myself if I achieve that goal. (I have to say, this is still one of the hardest ones for me, but I'm challenging myself to do this as well.)
1. Log 90 Miles (equals one mile a day) -- * 3 New CDs
2. Lose 20 Pounds -- *Mani/pedi
3. Complete Couch 2 5k Program -- *New running shoes
4. Finish 2 Races -- * Magazine subscription
5. Complete 30 Day Shred -- * New fitness DVD
6. Finish "Winning After Losing" -- * The Spark book
7. Read 3 Books (including 1 for research) -- * Kindle audio book
8. Do 1-minute plank -- * Kettleball w/DVD
9. Log 3,900 Fitness Minutes -- * New workout outfit
10. Attend 20 Zumba classes -- * Zumba gear
11. Fit into size 24 jeans -- * New power outfit
Next, I listed the little words I put on my calendar for the three months.
... it's a new year and a new you! Start at Step 1 and build a solid foundation.
... learn how to love the world, not food. And always, always, always love yourself!
... count your blessings, including the amazing support of old friends, new friends, and family.
This is what my calendars say:
January - It's a New Year and a New You! Start at Step 1!
February - Love the World and Yourself
March - Count Your Blessings
Thankfully, there was room to really expand upon those a little on the poster.
And finally, a quote to close out the whole 3 months. Something for me to remember when I walk out the door to go to the gym, or whenever my courage is failing me. This one is the one I shared yesterday with all of you in my blog. Love it!
I'm starting my year off with a plan, because I never was really good with spontaneity (maybe that's something else I'll work on!). Plus, I have found that having plans and goals keeps me on track, even if I don't hit all my goals, just knowing they're there push me to work harder than if I just accepted this as any other day.
Just thinking about all the things I've accomplished this year that are completely new to me - tennis, 5ks, 10ks, running, Zumba, hiking, boxing, line dancing, pilates, yoga. All things for years I told myself I couldn't do. Things I really couldn't do at first because I was so out of shape. I worked myself into them. And if that's what I did when not even trying, what can I do when I set out to really challenge myself? What can I do now that I'm in the best shape of my adult life? The sky is the limit, and I'm totally ready for the adventure!!
Anybody want to take an adventure with me?!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
As those who follow my blogs have gotten to see, I've spent the last week and a half or so in utter chaos. My self-control flew right out the window. I was trying my best to stay on task, but my focus was gone and I couldn't keep it going for very long. I still worked out 3 days last week, but it did nothing to really improve my mood. I ate good when I felt that control, but then it all went to hell and I was back to eating whatever I wanted, whenever, and however much. I didn't care. That's what I told myself in those moments. I was too tired to fight anymore. I wanted what I wanted and I didn't care about the consequences.
Each day I woke up thinking, "Okay, restart...let's try this again." I had a few days where I had a few good hours, but it mostly fell apart by the time I got home. I cried at random. I cried until it hurt and then, at times, I refused to cry. I didn't know what was wrong, even though I tried and tried to narrow it down. I'm still not even really sure where the rock came that made me stumble and fall, but I'm starting to think it was more like a collection of little rocks, little things that were bothering me, scaring me, or things I had held back on dealing with. One of them would have easily been stepped on, forgotten and moved on from...but the mass amount build-up of so many little things created a disaster zone, and I had no real hope of doing anything but what I did...trying to make it through, and falling over and over again as I tried to get up.
On Sunday I vowed that I was done. I wrote a beautiful blog about what I was learning from my fall from grace, and that helped keep me on track for about three hours. At the movie, I ate lots of popcorn. And later, I think there was pizza. A LOT of pizza.
On Monday, I went to work like always. As I was getting out of my car, I looked up at the building and said, "Okay, Esther. Enough. This is it. This may be as good as it's ever going to get, and you need to learn how to live with that." And I cried a little inside my heart, gathered my belongings and tried to have a good day. I went to the gym later and felt like a zombie. I had no plan. I was like a blind person stumbling through. I saw a girl from Yoga class in the locker room. "I've missed this class so much!" she said excitedly. I smiled and echoed her sentiment, and followed her upstairs, and got out a mat and started class. And I grumbled in my head all the way through it. I don't remember the last time I used the word "hate" so much in one hour, except maybe when I was like 16 and hated everything and everyone for a while. I couldn't focus. I stayed in class and did every move until it was complete, but I didn't really care. I couldn't even lay still in corpse pose!
After Yoga I got on the elliptical and started hating on the girl next to me. (She is rather rude and annoying, as I was witness to one of her outbursts one night as a Pilates class used the area SHE wanted to work out in and she started saying things like, "This is stupid! Why don't you people move and let me do some REAL exercise!" Her boyfriend (i'm assuming) tried to quiet her, but she wasn't having it, even though they knew I could hear them (i wasn't in the class...I haven't been back since that first one) "What?" she said. "I don't care! They're just stretching! It's stupid!" I struggled with two thoughts in that moment, "Holy CRAP! Just stretching?! I would wager you have never tried that JUST STRETCHING there!" and "OMG! She thinks it's completely stupid and I wasn't even able to do it...I must REALLY suck!"....that was another one of those pebbles I talked about earlier.)
After 33 minutes on the elliptical at a pretty high intensity (for me...biatch next to me was pedaling like her friggin' mini shorts were on fire!), I did a few laps walking around the gym, and then did a lap of running. I was testing my hip, that's been hurting since I did Week 4, Day 1 last Saturday (another pebble). I went home and told myself I'd done good...but I didn't friggin' care. I ate and ate...and when that didn't work, I made Hubs go get me more cigs (I've been trying to stop smoking...another pebble) and a Big Mac and Fries from McD's...at 10:30pm! And I ate every bite, even though while he was gone I questioned myself because I knew I was already full. (That full feeling left when the food came...)
Tuesday morning I woke up and actually blurted out loud, "Okay, Esther. ENOUGH! You've had your fun...if that's what you're calling it. Now stop!" My stomach hurt. I had already admitted to Hubs the night before that I shouldn't have had the McD's. I knew better and I did it anyways. Stupid. I had a pretty good day. I skipped breakfast because I wasn't feeling well, but ate some oatmeal when I got to work. I felt in a better mood, and suddenly started making plans for the new year. I wasn't sure why, but everything felt a little easier to imagine in my head...and I just rode that wave all day.
After work I headed to the gym, and then talked myself into a detour to my son's school, where I hoped to meet his basketball coach. When I stopped at home to pee and saw my three boys sitting there, I admitted to Hubs that I had the strong urge to skip the gym and just go get something to eat with them, but that I didn't want to actually skip the gym. I looked at the clock. 5:30pm. "You know," I told him, all crafty like, "Zumba doesn't start until 7pm..."
I ate Ponderosa last night. Yes, I went to a buffet before I went to work out, but I ate in moderation because I did not want to be in physical pain from being stuffed throughout my entire workout. I indulged a bit, but I kept it reasonable. I felt myself regaining control little by little. And I soared in Zumba class after my instructor announced to everyone that I had won our Biggest Loser challenge by losing 12.5 inches overall in 8 weeks. And then she asked how much weight I had lost, and I went ahead and told them 80 pounds, even though I knew I was up a few from that. And everyone cheered and congratulated me and I had the balls to simply THANK THEM without shrugging it off as nothing.
Later that night, I had one brief thought about eating a cookie or something, but I stuck to a simple after-workout snack of my missed breakfast from the morning, and then had some Candy Cane Lane decaf tea and went to bed around 11pm.
This morning, I felt SO SORE in my body, but SO STRONG in my mind and spirit. I'm slowing returning to stable ground. I'm slowly getting my feet back under me...and I'm looking out for those pebbles, because I know that I'm sore and bruised right now. I'm not in the best shape. I don't have my invincible attitude anymore...I have to build that up again. But while I'm scared that I'll fall down again (a reason I wasn't here yesterday...I was trying so hard to focus and to not say something I wasn't going to do..I wanted to have one day of OKAY or even GOOD behind me before I tried to say anything else), I'm here. I'm showing up.
I spent the day putting together posters for my 2011 goals (which I'll share later). Four posters, splitting the year into 3-month segments, basically in seasons/season transitions....each with 11 goals for those 3 months, and 11 rewards for those goals. I've got a little more bounce in my step today. A little more shine in my shoes. I'm not going to get cocky again, I just want to stay proud and strong so that this new foundation I'm building is even better than the last one. I'm thinking of it like this quote I found today....
"Never worry about the delay in success because construction of wonders takes more time than ordinary building." -Vipin
Tonight I have my Week 4, Day 2 run scheduled from C25k. I have to say, I'm still very nervous. My hip is still a little sore, and I don't know how that will work out in the run. But for right now, I refuse to use that as an excuse to not try. I will work through it, alter my form if need be, and simply try to make it through my run steady and slow. And, if it pulls or feels too uncomfortable, I'll do something else. I'll walk a 5k or get back on the elliptical. As for the regularly scheduled ST tonight, I may skip it but I'm just not sure... First of all, I don't want to overwork the hip, but it is probably good to work it some. On the other hand, I've done yoga and some Zumba toning in the past 2 days (including a LOT of leg and hip work last night!) and I may need to give it some real rest. We'll play it by ear, but I will vow to myself right now to work out at least 30 minutes tonight, and to shoot for 45, whatever I end up doing.
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