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Learning to Walk Again

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

So, yesterday I worked on getting up. I ate my regular 1/2 whole wheat bagel with 1 Tbsp. of whipped cream cheese and, with coffee in hand, I headed to work. I ate my yogurt at the regular time, had my salad a few hours later with a turkey sandwich, and then the cravings hit.

Instead of rushing to the vending machine, I ate some almonds and had a protein bar...following that with some grapes instead of chocolate covered pretzels. When I felt more cravings, I popped a slice of Extra's new dessert gum. (If you haven't tried this, you totally should! Mint Chocolate Chip and Strawberry Shortcake are amazing! I feel like I'm eating the full-meal gum from Willy Wonka! *lol* Why didn't anyone think of this before?!)

I spent the hours of 3-6 trying to talk myself out of going to the gym. I had good reasons and some excuses.

I was still tired because I didn't sleep well the night before.
My legs were still sore from the actual fall I took the other night.
I still wasn't "feeling it."
My oldest son has come down with Chickenpox.

And then I told myself that I was being silly.
I told myself that my Zumba instructor was doing final measurements for the BL challenge we started in October.
I told myself that regular gym-time on Thursday was out because I have to work my second job.
And then I told myself to shut it and just drive.

I got out of my car at the gym complaining about the cold.
And then told myself that it would be warmer inside.

I whined about how cold I would be when I was sweat-drenched on the way home.
And then I told myself I'd cross that bridge when I got there, and it was only a 10-15 minute drive before I'd be home in the cozy, warm house.

And I changed my clothes and took one last look in the mirror before heading upstairs.
And I ran a lap around the track, just to remind myself what that felt like.
I positioned my new I RUN Bondiband on my head, a reward I bought myself for completing week 2 of C25k.

Zumba was strange, and I was reminded again how much my body has changed.
I nearly fell over no less than 4 times.
The instructor asked if I was okay, as my balance seemed to be in the crapper.
And these really weird words came out my mouth as I explained that I was using the same energy I had used before to complete the moves before realizing it didn't take that much energy anymore.

You've all heard the phrase "lighter on your feet" right? That's what I was. I was lighter. So when we did a leg lift or a jump or even a knee lift, my mind kept trying to work those muscles to their ultimate power to raise my legs off the ground. But, I soon realized, my legs weren't as heavy anymore. And at one point I even felt like I was flying in a way. I was jumping higher and moving faster, and it took me some time to get used to it.

I may not have lost any weight in DC, but even Hubs noticed when I got back that my legs look thinner. Walking and running have shrunk my legs, and certainly have increased my muscle mass in them, I think. And when I put on that size 2x dress MEZZO sent me, I realized I didn't hate my legs so much anymore. They aren't the runners legs I want...not yet... but they're certainly improved and I'm finding cause and opportunity to enjoy and love them.

I came home after Zumba and ate a little too much pot roast and mashed potatoes. But then I stopped eating and was good the rest of the night.

I felt stronger.
I felt a little more in control.
I wasn't perfect, but I was gaining my courage back.

I talked to a friend on the phone, the one who is getting married in July and asked me to be a bridesmaid. The one who gave me yet another reason to keep pushing, so I can be lower than I ever have been in my adult life by the time I put on that bridesmaid dress. I told her that I was hoping to lose at least another 30 pounds by the time her wedding came around. I reminded her that I had lost 80 already, and told her that my plan was to lose "a Sarah" (that's her name, btw). "Good luck!" she said. "I'm up to 126 now." I started calculating in my head and thought, "Okay, so the challenge is set. I may not lose a Sarah before her wedding, but by the end of next year, I want to be able to tell her -- 'Hey! I lost YOU!' and laugh uncontrollably."

After talking to her, I watched the BL finale...and somehow I got to talking with Logan and Hubs about how much weight I had lost. "You weighed 460 pounds at some point?" Hubs looked at me, jaw dropped. "Yep. 466.6." He didn't say anything. "I now weigh 335." And all I heard was, "Oh my God!" Suddenly the pictures of the people on the show made sense to him. I was right up there with them. I may still have a ways to go, but I have accomplished amazing things so far, so who can say I can't do it again, or continue to do it?

When I fessed up to you yesterday about how scared I was, I was on my way to getting up. I had my knee bent and my foot on the ground. And with each small step of progress I made throughout the day, I was getting my entire body into standing position. Through my Zumba class I started taking my first steps again. And then having some serious talks, I started to feel like my legs were back firmly under me and I was ready to move at a quicker pace.

I think I experienced a slight twinge of burnout last week.
I think the disappointment from putting in so much effort and not seeing results shook me.
But I know that I started the process of learning to walk again yesterday.
We say all the time that it's all about the baby steps we take...and what I didn't realize is how many times throughout the process you have to go back to crawling before you can learn to take baby steps and learn to walk again. You grasp onto any hand around you, for me, it was friends and family, my Hubs a lot of the time, my Sparkies the rest. I let you hold my hands to give me the confidence I needed to try again on my own. And then I let go and started to walk again.

That doesn't mean I won't need those hands again sometime in the future. I might even need them again today. Learning to walk is a difficult thing - you have to find your balance and listen to your body, and stumbling is a part of that learning process. But for right now, I'm walking, I'm taking it step by step and letting go of the idea that the fall hurt me somehow. In truth? I think it has made me stronger.

Thanks for helping me get up.
Thanks for holding my hand as I took those first steps.
I'm ready to take some more on my own again, but I hope you'll all be there when I need the hand-holding once more.
And as I try out these new legs, I'm going to work on reminding others that they can walk too, and that we can support each other as we go. The walk is always more fun when you have someone to share it with...another lesson I learned in DC.

-----
In other news:
* My eye doc yelled at me today for misusing my contacts. I was days away from getting an ulcer in my eye and, perhaps, losing a good portion of my vision. Another lesson learned. I'll be ordering new glasses and contacts on Friday and, until then, me and my old glasses will be spending a lot of quality time together.

* Like I said, Logan has Chickenpox. Ethan is P.O.ed beyond belief because it means he gets to miss school all week, and likely the two days next week before Winter Break. Logan is doing well, it's a mild outbreak as he had one shot of the vaccination as a baby. His fever is 99 or so, and the bumps aren't everywhere. He feels fine and loves that he gets to stay home from school! *lol*

* Workout scheduled for today? C25k, W3D3. Yep, I'm a little behind because of the traveling and such, but I'm just going to keep going like I didn't miss a beat and only go backward if I need to. One thing I won't do? Give up. I worked too hard to be able to run (something I discussed with a classmate at Zumba last night), I won't go back on it now.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MRSSIBRAT 12/17/2010 7:14AM

    I am so proud of you girl!

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FLGIRL1234 12/16/2010 3:18PM

    I LOVE it..."LOSE a Sarah"! You can do this!!!! I know your ready. Great job on the C25K. I finished that program awhile back but am currently doing it over again to help my sister. We are on W4D3. Its such an awesome program to start running. Its how I got the courage to run my first 5K in the first place. Good for you! Inspired!

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WILLIAMV3 12/16/2010 3:18PM

    Way to go my friend. You can do this! emoticon

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RAVENSONG37 12/16/2010 3:06PM

    You can totally lose a Sarah! I love you for so many reasons. One is how you just work it all out here, and let me be a part of your ups and downs. It makes me feel so much better about all of mine.

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SLFRISBEY 12/16/2010 12:32PM

    Woohoo!!! The race to the bridesmaid dress is on! My friend moved her wedding back to July (Thank God, it was supposed to be in February!!!) so lets get to work and ROCK the possibly (I still haven't seen what she's planning!) ugly dress! Esther, You are my HERO!

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SRABANTI 12/16/2010 3:21AM

    Whatever you are doing is perfect, just keep in mind no one else is more motivated than you. You have come a long way and still there is wayyyyy to go. Lets all give our everything to the few last days of the year and things will take better shape in the fresh new year.
Good luck~~

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NIKNAK1980 12/15/2010 11:22PM

    One word sums you and this blog up.... emoticon Nuff said!

Comment edited on: 12/15/2010 11:22:17 PM

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ALOFA0509 12/15/2010 6:56PM

   
You are one BAD @SS Mama Jama!!!! Sooo Inspiring, keep up the Great work.. I love your updates emoticon

Cheers,
Alofa

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JEAN_WIKE 12/15/2010 5:51PM

  Ha ha, I'm trying to imagine you with runners legs; specifically, with the legs my husband had when he ran. They looked good on him, but . . . maybe if you shave them it'll be okay. emoticon

Seriously, to keep pushing and pushing and pushing like you do is wonderful.

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ATREAT4ME 12/15/2010 4:59PM

    I love this analogy. For me, I never learned to "walk" in the first place. My control in regards to eating was always external. That is a huge conflict for someone like me who believes in the power of individual choice. So, here we go. Hang on cuz it'll get bumpy from time-to-time. We just have to remember that we're looking at life-long lessons. Great post! Thank you!

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JLITT62 12/15/2010 3:29PM

    Really like the analogy.

Me & my best-friend-neighbor got the chickenpox together when we were about 5 or 6. It was also a mild case -- altho I do have a couple of pock marks on my face -- and mostly I remember playing with him.

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SOON2BEFITSLP 12/15/2010 12:35PM

    Yay! It must be fantastic to suddenly feel such changes! Keep the momentum going, you are doing soooo great! It is always so encouraging and fun to read you blog posts.
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All is Not Lost

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Last night I was watching Tabitha's Salon Takeover with Hubs. (I know, strange, right?! *lol*) Anyhow, there was a woman on there, the salon's co-owner, who seemed defensive whenever the employees told her anything was wrong. Hubs and I started talking about her getting emotional when it was improper in business situations and I said something to the effect of, "She seems like the kind of person who never loses and I think she's scared because she knows she's failing at this." And Hubs looks at me, laughs and says, "Well that's silly! You can't have success without failures!"

Wow, right?!

It goes right along with a Spark article I read this morning on the successes and failures of Abe Lincoln. (Fitting considering my recent trip to DC, and my theory since childhood that Lincoln was my favorite president of all time. Funny, my kids asked me why and I couldn't really tell them...but after reading this article, I think it's firming up my belief that he was a triumph because he kept getting back up after every fall.)

Read the article here:
www.sparkpeople.com/resource/motivat
ion_articles.asp?id=112


The point is, little Abe struggled, and both little and big Abe failed many, many times. It took him 3 times to get elected to Congress. He never succeeded at getting elected to the Senate...and that great speech he gave that we now have our children study in school? It was considered a flop. And yet, ask most people what they think of Lincoln and they'll likely not have much bad to say about the man.

This all ties in with something I commented to someone in a blog recently...about how falling is normal and human, but how getting up again and continuing to move forward is what separates us from those who never succeed.

I think you see what I'm getting at here. In order to win, we have to learn how to lose. It's not the fall that's important, but the refusal to stay down, the fight to get back up, dust ourselves off, and get going again. And falling can happen a lot in life.

I failed the first time I did Zumba. And now I'm sort of a pro.
I failed when I started to attempt to run. And now I'm doing C25k.

I have fallen over and over again. And this feeling I'm experiencing? The experience of the past three days? It's just another fall I need to get through.

I still can't get my 24s on comfortably, though it was a goal for Thanksgiving or Christmas.
I haven't reached, and likely won't reach, my goal of under 330 by Christmas.

But last week I walked about 20 miles. I worked out at the gym. I ate healthy options except a few exceptions here and there. (Seriously, that french dish was probably awful for me....penne pasta, Roquefort cheese and black truffle shavings...and that was just the STARTER!...but it was SO TOTALLY worth it!) I made good choices, I kept moving, and I felt more alive than I've felt in so very long!

Sunday night I took a literal fall in my living room. And it took me a while, but I did finally get up. I kept thinking to myself the entire time, "Why are you still on the ground? It hurt, yes, but you're fine. Just get up, stupid!" But then I realized that I was scared. That fall hadn't happened because my knee went out. My knee didn't even go out when I fell. I didn't break anything. And all I could think was, "Is this was it feels like to fall as a skinny person?" Yes, I actually thought that.

I'm scared right now. Awfully scared. The kind of scared that keeps you from moving. The kind of scared that makes you retreat backwards.

I'm scared because this new body of mine is just that - new. I don't understand it. It feels so strange and foreign to just walk and walk and walk, and only feel completely exhausted after hours of walking and realizing that you've walked 6 miles and have every right to feel completely exhausted...especially considering you already "ran" 2 miles earlier that day.

I'm scared because my collarbone hurts. The right one. It hurts to touch it. Is it bruised? Is that the one I've broken twice in my life? Is that the way it's supposed to feel? Is there supposed to be a little bump there?

I'm scared because I heal quicker than before. The day after my 6.5 mile walk, I was fine the next morning. Even the windburn/rash/whatever on my legs didn't hurt quite as bad as the night before.

I'm scared because I look in the mirror sometimes and I don't recognize myself. I think, "Wow! I look great!" and then I second guess myself, because there is no way, mentally, I can wrap my head around being thinner.

I'm scared because my husband constantly compliments me.
I'm scared because a size 2x dress sent to me last night fit...and I didn't think it would.
I'm scared because the 24s still don't fit, and I know it's because of my stupid "stomach apron" or whatever it's called.
I'm scared that I'll never get rid of that thing.
I'm scared of what happens when I do.
I'm scared to realize that, if I try hard enough, I could possibly see 230, my PT's set goal weight by the end of 2011...what then?

MEZZOANGEL wrote a blog about this feeling she got after realizing she was so close, after realizing she was standing on the doorway of that final goal she set for herself. And I agree with her 100%...it's scary. And I guess we're going to have to be scared together. I may not be standing on the doorway, but I've reached a mental halfway point (and almost a physical one as well), because my body is so differently changed from what it was when I began.

I may have fallen Sunday night. I may have "fallen" Saturday through Monday (nope, I did NOT work out last night. I ate a ton of crap and sat on the couch watching TV with Hubs). And even though it might take a little while, I'm going to get back up.

My husband is right...you can't succeed without falling. Why? Because you have to learn the lessons of success each time you stumble, or you're bound to have a huge fall from grace later. This fall of mine? I'm looking at is as a lesson, and one I really need to learn.

30 is coming.
2011 is coming.
Vegas is coming.
A new body is coming.
A lack of stomach is coming.
A bounty of clothes is coming.
230 is coming.

So I'm just going to sit here, and eat my salad, and listen...listen to the lesson I need to hear. About how I can get back up every time. About how every fall creates a callous. About how I'm healing faster than ever now.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FLGIRL1234 12/16/2010 3:09PM

    You know, reading your blog reminded me so much of my sister in law and how I wish she would get to where you are mentally. Right now she just wallows in her own self pity wanting to be better but never quite gettting there mentally to actual start her journey. Your blog was so inspirational that I want to send it to her to show her it can be done...even when you feel its just no use. Get out there and just move forward. Love this blog! Thank you for sharing!

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RAVENSONG37 12/16/2010 3:01PM

    It's okay to be scared. Just know you are not alone in all of this.

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KITHKINCAID 12/16/2010 12:30PM

    There it is! Great blog! And THIS is why you are NOT a failure my dear. You recognize this. You have fallen and you have gotten back up over and over and over again. Keep doing it. Your progress shows and you're outstanding!

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LOOKY-LOU 12/16/2010 10:07AM

    Fantastic blog...thank you!

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RUSSELLORAMA 12/15/2010 11:13AM

    Let's all be scared together! We can totally do this. It's time to shed the mental AND physical weight.

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MRSSIBRAT 12/15/2010 8:41AM

    you are awesome...and I am so proud of you for reconizeing these things

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RONIREDD 12/15/2010 8:34AM

    WOW! This gave me chills. Thank you so much for your inspiration!!!

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SWELL10 12/15/2010 8:15AM

    Wow! This blog is so insightful and speaks to so many of us in this journey. Thank you!

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ATREAT4ME 12/15/2010 7:44AM

    I fell of my bicycle in late October. It was pretty hard crash and I was bruised from my calf, to my hip, to my back and shoulder. My neck hurt and I had a horrible headache for about 2 days. And all I could think was, "Wow, that didn't hurt as much as it used to hurt when I weight 276 lbs.!" Isn't funny?

I love your insights and good for Hubs for being so smart and thank you for sharing your wisdom learned.

Keep healing and most importantly, keep getting back up. I will too!

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SARAWALKS 12/15/2010 7:33AM

    "Something's coming, something good...if I can wait..." - Leonard Bernstein, West Side Story
But NOT just wait!.. patience is part of working.
My best voice teacher used to say, "you can't sing a good high note unless you can sing a bad one!" And then he'd make me sing a bad one and we'd both crack up!
Abe's wisdom. Thanks, Esther, you rock and you are emoticon and you are gonna get there.
and when you're there, there's gonna be a "there" there... emoticon

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CHICAT63 12/15/2010 5:24AM

    Always look forward and not back, thanks for sharing. Great blog !

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RIGBY31 12/14/2010 10:00PM

    I agree with you... scared. I think it's because we're just days away from the end of the year, a year that was productive, full of hope and accomplishments. But it seems like it's never enough. You have inspired me to get up off my booty and start the C25K. YOU!! So just ride the wave. I just bet when the new year arrives, everyone is going to be walking two feet off the ground for the potential of 2011. 12 months to again be awesome!!

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 12/14/2010 7:29PM

    I love you Esther!

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NIKNAK1980 12/14/2010 4:35PM

    Your words always ring true to me & I thank you for sharing them so openly & deeply in your blogs! It is a scary thing to face when you think about it. Society sees you different, you see you different, every feeling is different..I've been there, although I went on a WAY too long fall to the floor and am just now starting to get back up, so thank you again for those words!! emoticon

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SEEHOLZ 12/14/2010 1:49PM

    Great blog--- your hubs is so right! It almost seems like a theme in your week... to be reminded of failure... leading to success.

I might fall a million of times, but you can't fail unless you stop trying, right?

That's what I try to remember and whenever I'm sooo upset at my lack of progress ( in terms of weight loss) I remember where I would be if I had given up. That's pretty eye opening to me.

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BRIAEL 12/14/2010 1:39PM

    Isn't it strange how it takes an external comment to make us realise such an important life lesson?

I love that you see how important it is to keep getting up. There's a major lesson there, not just for staying on the healthy eating and lifestyle plan .. but for everything else in life.

Good for you, girlie. :)

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NEENSTER1 12/14/2010 12:45PM

    Amen, If you fall 20 times, get up 70. Otherwise you will never succeed. Nothing beats a try but a failure. Be Encouraged and Keep up the emoticon work.

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KT-NICHOLS-13 12/14/2010 12:34PM

    Each time I sabotage myself it means I'm scared. Thankfully, it happens less and less these days. This journey scary - change is hard but it's also freeing.


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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 12/14/2010 12:22PM

    Great blog. Thanks for putting a voice to what so many people feel but don't know what they are feeling or how to put it in words. I'm so blessed to be able to peek in on your journey. When you reach your goal I will be part of that cyber party celebrating with you. emoticon

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SOON2BEFITSLP 12/14/2010 12:17PM

    It is scary! I agree and then you wonder "Am I really me anymore?" and there is all this mumbo-jumbo about the "new me" and you realize that all along you have been "the regular me" except you didn't even know it. And the funny thing is "the regular me" sticks around no matter what happens on the outside or inside. All change is scary, but you have a lot of support. I have been feeling like the world is sitting on my back and I am sprawled on the ground. But you are right! This is only a fall, and I need to brush myself off. And so do you! Thanks for always having inspiring blog posts. It really brings all sorts of things into perspective.
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ps. Abe Lincoln may have had a lot of failures, but he was one of the best presidents in my opinion too. They didn't call him Honest Abe for nothing!

Comment edited on: 12/14/2010 12:18:27 PM

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TAFODIL24 12/14/2010 12:13PM

    Thank you for sharing! I also agree with Determined_Soul ~ failures are really "learning moments"!

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MISZI1030 12/14/2010 12:11PM

    Wow...I love your thought process. Keep moving!!! Thank you for sharing.

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DETERMINED_SOUL 12/14/2010 12:05PM

    You are doing great! It is so true...one learns from their "failures" if you want to call them that. I call them "learning moments".

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KARVY09 12/14/2010 12:01PM

    You're getting there, girl.

No self-sabotage. Patience. Zumba. Love.
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WYCKEDSTEPMOM 12/14/2010 12:00PM

    Thank you for sharing this ... I've been battling the blahs all day and now I'm going to sit and read this again, and let your words of wisdom really sink in ...

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Home Again, Home Again...

Monday, December 13, 2010

My flight home went stellar, ladies and (very few) gents! I got to the airport entirely too early for my flight, but was glad to just be going home (plus, I had Dracula to finish and In Cold Blood to get back into, so all was good on the waiting front). When boarding for my flight was called, I realized I was the only one standing and walking toward the gate. Figured it must have been a mistake, but NOPE! I get to the gate and the ticketing woman says, "You're my only passenger today! You just chartered a flight!" *lol* That's right...whole entire tiny turboprop plane to myself! It was wonderful! Excellent visability so I got to watch us pass over the snow-covered mountains and everything! The flight attendant made her and I some hot tea and then I just enjoyed the peace and quiet and smooth sailing of the best flight I've ever experienced.

The past two days were spent at home doing laundry, getting groceries, cleaning up (*sigh*) and trying to get myself and my house back in order. There is still plenty to do, but I have to admit that my eating for the past 2 days has been...well, not good at all. But today is a new day, and besides eating 3 servings of those stupid Quaker mini rice snack things (not buying those again!), I'm doing alright. Missed my yogurt this morning as someone moved one I had lost to the back of the fridge up to the front and it expired over a month ago. (Not going through that food poisoning again!!) I'm trying to readjust, but I miss the streets of DC a bit and having the world, and plenty of walking paths, at my fingertips. Back to the grind. Nothing exciting to do tonight. No 5 miles put in just so I can go walk to the store to get some shopping in or go see the large monument that is just blocks away. *sigh* Back to driving an hour in my car to get to work, to sit here for about 10 hours, only to leave and head to the gym for a regular-sized workout, and then home to cook, clean, and veg until bedtime. I wish I could travel all the time!

Anyhow, you might notice that I didn't post a weigh-in blog yesterday. Want to know the God's honest truth? I gained a pound, and then spent all day eating whatever the hell I wanted just because I was so very angry about that one pound. Yes, I know that it's probably due to excess sodium, lack of water, overexertion. I made the perfect storm of overworking my body, not eating on schedule, and not drinking water consistently throughout the day to gain some bloating and such. And while my head knows that...my heart was broken all day yesterday. Honestly, I likely put in about 20 miles of either walking or running last week. And as much as I understand how A + B must = C for everything to work out the way I want on the scale, sometimes it just doesn't make sense in my head that working out more and eating sensibly doesn't always translate anymore to a 5 pound loss on the scale.

So that's why my shame kept me from even logging on yesterday. There. I admit it. And now I'm moving on.

Back to the every day.
Back to the job I feel overqualified for.
Back to the job that doesn't pay me enough to buy Christmas presents.
Back to days of boring and annoying work gossip and gripes.
Back to people forgetting the ideal of what we're doing here.
Back to paperwork.
Back to exercise plans.
Back to living each day almost entirely like the one before.
Back to worry, and regret, and things that drive me forward.
Back to hoping for more...and not getting it.
Back to no phone calls about jobs interviewed for.
Back to empty inboxes and useless information.

I'm going to formulate a plan...as soon as I stop mourning the death of my freedom and exciting new possibilities.

People ask me sometimes why I keep going, keep trying to lose weight, keep exercising. Truth? Right now it is the only thing I can change. Nothing else works. It may be slow, and difficult, and downright annoying at times, but it's the only time I put in effort and see the results. I've been failing in every other area of my life, so letting go on this would be letting go of the only good thing I've got going for me right now. I know that sounds sad, but that's the truth. I can't give up...I would cease to move forward...and I have this innate fear that if I stop moving I will die...maybe I'm a shark.

So, yes...I'm home. And while I'm glad to be home with my boys (all 3 of them, Hubs included), I'm confronted with the ho-hum and dull-drum of my life...and the fact that I'm extremely unhappy with it...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ATREAT4ME 1/12/2011 10:38PM

    Coming home to the mundane is always hard after an exciting and adventurous vacation. But I have no doubt that you'll make your day-to-day life just as exciting and fun. I can't wait to read more about it.

Pls. don't fret about that pound. It'll be gone very soon. And you were a tourist rock star in DC!

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RAVENSONG37 12/16/2010 2:54PM

    I totally feel you on the same day-to-day struggle. One thing I'm working on is trying to find gratitude in the my day, no matter what's happening. I'm grateful for you and our friendship.

Hugs!

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KITHKINCAID 12/16/2010 12:23PM

    You're allowed to be unhappy with your life, but you're not allowed to call yourself a failure. Uhuh - no way, no how are you a failure. YOU ARE A SUCCESS if there ever was one. And you work 10 times, no 100 times harder than any one of us who had it easy in the job market. I applaud you girl.

I wish I could travel all the time too though. Like you said - it's nice to be home, but it sure ain't the same as being on the road. Maybe you and I need to take up travel writing...

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RUSSELLORAMA 12/15/2010 11:10AM

    I'm glad you made it back safely (and on your own plane, Rockstar!) I can totally relate to the feeling of being stuck, even when there are many things that you are happy and grateful for, there's nothing quite like seeing the possibility of what your life can become. When I feel that way, I try to translate that desire into action. What can I do to move myself closer to that goal? What was it about that experience that made me want to have it over and over again? One of the best things about SP is that it is showing me that you can transform your ENTIRE life, not just your physical one.

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SLFRISBEY 12/14/2010 9:35AM

    I would love to get a whole plane to my self! I usually am muttering "please don't sit next to me, please" the whole time and am sad every time someone does. :)

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SHEILA1505 12/14/2010 12:58AM

    As Briael says - flights cause water retention, they also cause stress (whether we admit it or not, we are not really natural flyers!) and stress retains water.

Give yourself a couple of days break from the self-beatings, Esther - weigh in next week when you have continued to do all the right things!

I so wish that I had known this before so that I didn't beat myself up after two trips in August and September - I would have avoided a couple of months of sulking and just got on with the healthy stuff - I must have got in my own way needlessly

Hang in there
Hugs

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MAMADWARF 12/13/2010 11:48PM

    You are a champ, Esther. You just keep swimming.

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MAMADELIGHT 12/13/2010 7:15PM

    As long as you aren't sharkbait, right?!

You have every reason to keep on keeping on. You are shining!!!!

And that flight sounds amazing minus the small size of the plane. Cuz, that freaks me out.

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 12/13/2010 6:59PM

    I am sure that being back in the comfort of your own life is both happy and sad, but if I know anything about you, I know you are a fighter. And you aren't a quitter. And your broken heart was in good company with mine, even from afar. I'm still unsettled, but your words made a lot of sense to me and I am mulling them over. I want to mull them over champagne, but I don't have any. I am sure that I've offered you this before, but you can send me your resume and I can take a peek for readability if you want? I look at them day in and day out, so perhaps there is something you can tweak that will make you stand out. Let me know.

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JEAN_WIKE 12/13/2010 5:42PM

  Your health is important! I'm sorry your motivation for improving your health is so bleak; but if that's what it takes, well, keep on trying and trying and trying. I believe better health improves other areas of our lives. A ripple effect. That's what keeps me going, hoping for the ripple effect. Well, that's part of what keeps me going. The other part is believing no matter how bad life is emotionally, financially, careerwise, etc . . ., surely just being in good health helps.

Comment edited on: 12/13/2010 5:49:04 PM

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DOWNTOWNJEN 12/13/2010 4:55PM

    Ever think your WL journey is just a practice run for changing your life to a more exciting one? The tools are pretty much the same! And I agree - you should start blogging outside SP and get some exposure. Even prod the SP team about your successes.

Who knows what might happen....

Adventure awaits.

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BRIAEL 12/13/2010 2:13PM

    Glad you've forgiven yourself. You know, flights always cripple me with water retention and the flight snacks high level of sodium really don't help.

Sounds like your flight was amazing. :)

Try to get some perspective on "dull drums". I think there is a tendency to forget that we need periods of normalcy (read "dullness") in order to help us cope with the stress periods that we all face. Find blessings in small things, like the good health and happiness of your kids, your ability to do what needs doing in order to provide a family environment for them to grow in. The way we are raised often triggers our reactions to the world.

Repeat to yourself - "This is not a race. My journey is important, but it's not a sprint and I can afford to make a few mistakes a long the way, provided I learn something from them".

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CANOGAPARKGAL 12/13/2010 2:10PM

    Welcome home.

The trip definitely changed your point of view in some way.

Have you ever thought about writing - maybe start by putting up your own blog (in addition to your Spark blog).

You ARE a writer, you know.

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MAGPIE17 12/13/2010 11:47AM

    Welcome home! I hope you find something a little more rewarding soon, Esther.

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 12/13/2010 11:35AM

    Hope as you settle in the dull drums will take a hike and you'll find that something that lights your fire. You are amazing and doing great in your journey. emoticon

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DC 10k

Thursday, December 09, 2010

I didn't set out to do a 10k tonight...I swear! In class today, my new friend Jenny and I decided that, since it was a little warmer, it was the perfect night to finally see moe of the monuments in the city. After class, I hurried back to my hotel to change back into my running shoes and then off we went.

From her hotel near the Air & Space Museum, we walked up the National Mall to the Washington Monument. It was fun being there with her, especially since this is her first time to DC. I love feeling like the tour guide, especially when I really feel out of place and foreign. Just knowing a smidge beyond nothing helps me feel more at ease.


Right up on it! *lol*



We moved on from there to the WWII Memorial. Now I didn't see this the last time I came, so this was totally new for me. Apparently, though, I suck because I didn't take a picture of the Wisconsin pillar, where my G'pa was from. *lol* Sorry, Mom! I'm from Ohio, though!



From there we walked down the Reflecting Pool area to the Lincoln Memorial -- always my favorite! Abe's my man!



Finally, we took a turn and headed over toward the National Christmas Tree, just lit tonight, and the White House. By this time I was getting so tired and sore and hungry and had to use the bathroom...I was feeling like my end should be near.





Feeling completely worn out, we headed back down the Mall toward the Capitol, I dropped her off at her hotel and then headed on to mine. All totaled, it was 6 1/2 miles of walking, only stopping to explore and take pictures, and a few times to sit for a couple seconds.

My legs have some strange burns on them from the wind forcing the denim of my jeans on my legs and with the up and down motion of my legs, the scraping of my skin on denim has caused PAINFUL sores all up and down my lower legs (mostly). OW OW OW!

But for today, I can say that I:
*ran (some of) the National Mall
*completed W3D2 of C25k
*walked a 10k
*saw the WWII Memorial, Washington Monument, Lincoln Memorial, DAR building (*lol*), National Christmas Tree, and the White House too!
*put in a total of 8 1/2 miles today! OMG!

I'm exhausted.
I'm ready for bed.
My legs hurt.
I miss home.
But I have nothing to be ashamed of here.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KITHKINCAID 12/16/2010 12:17PM

    Wow Esther - just getting back to your blogs after vacation.
#1 - you look AMAZING!
#2 - what a trip you've been on! So great. Congrats on all those accomplishments!

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-SHIMMER-ANN- 12/13/2010 6:45AM

    How fun!! And you look so little in your pics :)

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BAYBELIEVER 12/12/2010 11:39PM

    I'm a little late to this party, but this is awesome! Way to go on so much walking in one day! DC is such a beautiful city to walk in, I think!

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 12/11/2010 12:54PM

    emoticon

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MICHELLESMILES_ 12/11/2010 5:50AM

    way to go!! Love the pics. =)

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TIGERJANE 12/10/2010 4:39PM

    Sounds like an awesome day! And so many miles, oy!

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DETERMINED_SOUL 12/10/2010 11:35AM

    Sounds like you had a wonderful day!

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KIMMAS82 12/10/2010 11:07AM

    Yowza!! That's quite a day!! The pics are great!! (I have not been to DC but would LOVE to go someday!!)

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YOOVIE 12/10/2010 10:57AM

    you beat me to the punch with todays challenge, you've already upped your game. well played.

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MAGPIE17 12/10/2010 10:53AM

    Yay Esther!! What an awesome and productive day!!

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MAMADWARF 12/10/2010 10:50AM

    This is me. Being impressed by you. Again.

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CBAILEYC 12/10/2010 10:34AM

    It sounds like you're having a great time, and making this trip work for you instead of worrying about how to keep on being fit. Wonderful!
I've enjoyed following along on your journey. Thanks for sharing!
C~

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SEEHOLZ 12/10/2010 10:25AM

    Thanks for sharing those pics! You did awesome!

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READINESSISALL 12/10/2010 9:54AM

  WOW!!! You are incredible!!! Sorry to hear about your battle wounds--hopefully they'll stop hurting and can instead become a source of pride. Bad@$$ battlewounds for a bad@$$ woman. You go!

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ROCKINFOX 12/10/2010 9:43AM

    I love the pictures!! You are doing awesome accomplishing all that you did in that one day...in ONE DAY you did a 10K and completed part of the C25K.

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 12/10/2010 9:25AM

    Amazing. 8 1/2 miles on weekday. Your legs deserve to be a little tired. I'd also try a moisturizer for the legs. I get that every once in a while from windburn and then the fabric beating on my legs.

You did an amazing job yesterday! Keep it up.

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SARAWALKS 12/10/2010 8:35AM

    emoticon and thanks for wonderful night time photos!
Abe's my man too. I've never walked the mall at night - one more thing for my "to-do-before-I-die" list!
emoticon, pain is just an irritation when you're doing something interesting. Reminds me of the huge blood blister I had, my first time in Paris - I kept right on walking on it until I could walk no more. Eventually it healed but it didn't stop me. You GO! emoticon
emoticon

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SUGIRL06 12/10/2010 8:14AM

    Wow great job getting all that walking in and getting to see all the sights! Sorry to hear about the jeans sores :(
~Ang

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ATREAT4ME 12/10/2010 7:24AM

    I am thrilled for you to be having these wonderful experiences! You've been working so hard and this trip -- to someone who's looking into your life -- seems like the reward for your efforts. You've listed so many accomplishments this week; things you might not have tackled at the beginning of your journey and things that if you did try you weren't prepared to accomplish. Esther, my Friend, you ARE PREPARED. You have spent so much time tuning your body that you can succeed at so much now. C25K + 10K? I am simply delighted for you. I'm not surprised that you can do it. I am simply delighted that you did it.

Oh, and let me talk about those pictures of you. They are gorgeous. I especially love the second one at the WWII memorial. You look strong and confident and proud and happy to be there. Yes, in every picture your face is gorgeous, but in this picture you are showing off your backside and you look PROUD of the work you've done with your body. I love it that you are in such a happy, happy place right now. Keep writing about it, capture that feeling so you may draw from it once you're back to your routine.

I understand that you miss home. I'm in awe that you could go for a week. I think it shows again how prepared you are. I think it shows the solid foundation of work that you have behind you and how you can handle what is in front of you. I'm not saying its easy breezy Cover Girl, but I am saying that it is all within your capacity to achieve. You haven't simply paved the way for yourself and others, you have paved it, light it up, and posted signage. You ROCK! and I'm gushing because I'm simply so dang proud of you.

Love,
Cheryl

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MRSSIBRAT 12/10/2010 6:36AM

    sounds like a funnn way to exercise!

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BRIAEL 12/9/2010 11:59PM

    Sounds like a hectic day full of exercise and good company. Love that you managed so much, but sad that you are hurt. Hope you feel less pained tomorrow. What an awesome way to end the week. :)

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RUSSELLORAMA 12/9/2010 11:59PM

    emoticon

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EEJAA70 12/9/2010 11:57PM

  Good for you!

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ALYFITN 12/9/2010 11:56PM

    A "little" warmer--it's 30 degrees in DC!! I can tell you are a tough Ohio girl. Your pics are awesome. I just drove through DC on 395 tonight just so I could see the river and monuments on my way to New York. Thanks for sharing! emoticon emoticon

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COMPASSLOST1 12/9/2010 11:45PM

    What a day!!! I love your pics. You are so so so so beautiful! You rocked it today my friend! Sorry to hear about your ouchies! I am sending healing thoughts your way! 8 1/2 miles is amazing! You've inspired me to take some more winter walks. Thanks!

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 12/9/2010 11:37PM

    Damn woman!! I bow down. C25K then a 10k? emoticon

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DC 10k

Thursday, December 09, 2010

I didn't set out to do a 10k tonight...I swear! In class today, my new friend Jenny and I decided that, since it was a little warmer, it was the perfect night to finally see moe of the monuments in the city. After class, I hurried back to my hotel to change back into my running shoes and then off we went.

From her hotel near the Air & Space Museum, we walked up the National Mall to the Washington Monument. It was fun being there with her, especially since this is her first time to DC. I love feeling like the tour guide, especially when I really feel out of place and foreign. Just knowing a smidge beyond nothing helps me feel more at ease.


Right up on it! *lol*



We moved on from there to the WWII Memorial. Now I didn't see this the last time I came, so this was totally new for me. Apparently, though, I suck because I didn't take a picture of the Wisconsin pillar, where my G'pa was from. *lol* Sorry, Mom! I'm from Ohio, though!



From there we walked down the Reflecting Pool area to the Lincoln Memorial -- always my favorite! Abe's my man!



Finally, we took a turn and headed over toward the National Christmas Tree, just lit tonight, and the White House. By this time I was getting so tired and sore and hungry and had to use the bathroom...I was feeling like my end should be near.





Feeling completely worn out, we headed back down the Mall toward the Capitol, I dropped her off at her hotel and then headed on to mine. All totaled, it was 6 1/2 miles of walking, only stopping to explore and take pictures, and a few times to sit for a couple seconds.

My legs have some strange burns on them from the wind forcing the denim of my jeans on my legs and with the up and down motion of my legs, the scraping of my skin on denim has caused PAINFUL sores all up and down my lower legs (mostly). OW OW OW!

But for today, I can say that I:
*ran (some of) the National Mall
*completed W3D2 of C25k
*walked a 10k
*saw the WWII Memorial, Washington Monument, Lincoln Memorial, DAR building (*lol*), National Christmas Tree, and the White House too!
*put in a total of 8 1/2 miles today! OMG!

I'm exhausted.
I'm ready for bed.
My legs hurt.
I miss home.
But I have nothing to be ashamed of here.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ATROTTIER 12/10/2010 2:39PM

    AMAZING!! you are are really taking full advantage of this trip and doing great!! sorry to hear about the pain :(

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RAVENSONG37 12/10/2010 11:13AM

    This is so awesome Es! Proud of you woman! So many people would just spend their evenings watching t.v. in their hotel room, but not you!!!

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SASXONTHEMOVE 12/10/2010 7:09AM

    OMG you are amazing!

YAY for spontaneous 10K's!!

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