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Saturday Morning Plans

Saturday, November 20, 2010

I didn't work out on Thursday. I didn't work out yesterday either. There's no excuse for Thursday beside being an emotional wreck. Yesterday I was busy, busy, busy.

Slept in - much needed!
Showered and hurried to the doctor for my Depo shot.
Weighed in at 345 on their scales (always higher than mine). She looked at my file. I weighed in at 352 on 10/8. Decided I could do better than that and I will next time I'm in there, but was happy to report to my doc on the way out that I was under 350.
Came home to prep for my interview. Once nails and such were done I headed toward Charleston. Showed up 30 minutes early (not late! *lol*)...oops! I apologized and explained I never knew what the traffic was going to be like at lunch on Friday...she understood.
Interview lasted for an hour. Went well, I think. It would be a great place to work. A lot of what I already do, plus a little extra, with higher pay and in the private sector. I explained that while I understood there were risks with the private sector, there were also more opportunities. What should be, will be.
Left there and drove straight up to the movie theatre to grab tickets to HP7 for me, Hubs, the boys and my MIL. Hubs left to drive down to meet me with MIL and boys in tow.
Shopped at Fashion Bug for a bit and found a purty sweater for 10 bucks and a couple other shirts on sale or clearance. All sizes were 1X or 2X. Much different from the 3X and 4X I used to buy. Felt good.
Movie was pretty good. Not the best HP, but good still.
By the time we drove home I was only up for grabbing pizza and movies for home and chilled with the boys before getting to bed and setting my alarm for this morning.

The gym opens at 9am and I plan to be there soon after. I need a good workout to break me free of this madness. Also needed today? TONS of water to flush this week from my system. It's been a crazy week mentally, but I think I'm ready to move on with force.

Plan for today?
1) Exercise well.
2) Drink LOTS of water!
3) Plan for the week ahead.
4) Grocery shopping.
5) Watch some football, maybe.
6) Clean! I want this living room DONE!

I'm not likely to have a great weigh-in tomorrow. I may even gain a pound or two from the bloat and stress of this week. But I'm trying hard to remember that this is just another week in my life, and not a make or break thing. I've got more work to do, and I've got a fire left in me. Going to surf some friend pages and ignite that fire a little more. And, if all else fails, listen to Katy Perry's "Firework" and remind myself to show myself what I'm worth.

I'm worth the time it takes.
I'm worth the trouble.
I'm worth the heartache.
I'm worth the success.
I'm worth the chance for a better life.
I'm worth the money for gym memberships and healthy food options.
I'm worth staying on the path I've paved for myself.
I'm worth a job that awards and appreciates my talents and lets me prove myself.

What are you worth?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HEATHER_TEACHAH 11/21/2010 8:07AM

    you ARE worth all of that and more!!!!

I have a hard time admitting what I'm worth, but I KNOW that I'm worth 8 hrs of sleep and getting to the gym 5 days this week. (so with that being said... i'm off to bed!!!:) )

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KITHKINCAID 11/20/2010 6:21PM

    Hope your Saturday was as it was cracked up to be! Sounds like an awesome plan. I'm sending good scale vibes your way for tomorrow. Even with a bad week you're still on the way down overall!

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BTINTERNET 11/20/2010 2:47PM

    You're doing really well! And you're definitely worth it!!

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RIGBY31 11/20/2010 11:57AM

    "... surf some friends to ignite the fire".... love it! I choose to do that often. My Sparkies are the smartest people who tell it like it is! Also, awesome that you "apologized" for being early for the interview (they duly noted that I'm sure). Hope you and the job are a good fit.

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MAMADWARF 11/20/2010 11:50AM

    You are doing awesome on your weight loss. 7 lbs since oct. 7th? Progress not perfection my dear!!!

What am I worth? Alot more than I used to think. I am worth my place in the world, good food, time for myself, new friends, encouragement and commitment. I am also worth a new puppy but hubby doesnt see it that way (yet). Im working on that one!!

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CHELLEBELLE104 11/20/2010 11:41AM

    You are so worth it! Doing the happy dance for you! emoticon

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ATREAT4ME 11/20/2010 10:23AM

    Sounds like you've turned a corner. The fire and focus are evident. I also love your attitude about this is a week in the life; not a break or make event. Good for you for maintaining such a balanced perspective.

THANK YOU for sharing your struggle and letting some one like me -- who never learned to experience negative emotions (repress, repress, repress!) -- learn from your fight. You exemplify what I want to be able to accomplish: recognize, admit, deal with, learn from, and move on. What a trajectory you've cast this week alone!

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CHICAT63 11/20/2010 8:57AM

    Today is a new today and tomorrow also ! Enjoy your Saturday, kudos for your interview.

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 11/20/2010 8:53AM

    Hope you have a great day today and accomplish all that is on your list. emoticon

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 11/20/2010 8:51AM

    Ok... you can't tell me that being an emotional wreck isn't an excuse for not working out or I've lost my excuse for the entire week! emoticon

I'm worth the kicking and screaming and tears to get my ass to the gym that will lead to me feeling like a Curvy Bombshell Goddess sooner than later!!!

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Trudging Through Thursday

Thursday, November 18, 2010

First of all, a big thank you to all of you for your support yesterday. I'm still a bit of a wreck and getting a bit of distorted vision, but at least I recognize it this time. (I woke up today and looked in the mirror and was sure I was still as fat as I was on April 18th. Just like portion distortion, we all experience, at one time or another, a figure distortion. Sometimes the distortion is pleasant, and other times...not so much. As for me? For the rest of the day I'm avoiding mirrors.)

I sat down and took measurements yesterday. Like, mass amounts of measurements. I measured everything - my head, both the upper and lower parts of my neck, even the width of my shoulders and the length of my stomach (both sides and middle). I printed out an outline of the human body and just kept measuring and writing it down. Now it's time to tuck it away for a while and let myself just work.

I also dragged myself to the gym last night. I mean dragged. I whined and cried (literal tears) on the phone to Hubs on the way home about how much I didn't want to go. I hated myself and everyone in the gym and this stupid journey and everything about everything. (Please tell me I'm not the only one who has "I hate everyone and everything" days!) The plan was to waste my time until pilates started at 7:30pm and then suffer through that torture once again, but the plan changed.

My workout last night was fueled by sadness, anger and bitterness. I hit the elliptical and I cried a bit before just being angry. I maintained a 130-150 pace nearly the entire time, through every interval change, because I was just running to blow off steam. Pilates started and I childishly said no. I wasn't torturing myself that wasn't aggressive or active enough. I wanted to run away, so I did. I started taking laps around the track, I ran a few laps, on my last running lap I sprinted the end of it, balls to the wall, all out, leave nothing behind. And it felt good, but I was still quite angry.

Forget this, I thought. I'm going home. I stopped by Kroger and bought one of their rotisserie chickens, grabbed some mashed potatoes and gravy, corn, and biscuits from KFC and went home and ate my anger. And I STILL felt angry and bitter.

I *hate* this. I *hate* feeling not in control of my emotions. I thought I was doing better yesterday and then I got slapped in the face yet again by some of my biggest stressors and fears.

So today is going to be spent trying to let go. I don't care about anything but making these feelings go away! I've been so overly stressed lately and it's just making me crumble under the pressure. (Oh, I'm sure I forgot to mention that Hubs' grandpa is in the hospital again. I adore this man, and the other day he had some sort of fit, kept pulling out his IVs, there was blood everywhere, cursing at people, locked himself in the bathroom. This is 200% NOT like him. He's the most gentle and kind and loving person I know and he would NEVER act this way. And I'm scared...scared it's the start of dementia again. It killed me to watch my grandpa suffer through it and forget the wonderful person he was...I don't know if I can take it happening to another amazing man.)

Life is mean right now. And while I want to crawl under the desk, cry it out, and then move on to the happiness of the season, I feel like a shell of myself.

So...bare with me. I'm hoping to catch a break soon.

Positivity spin:
Tomorrow - Interview
This weekend - Harry Potter!
Next week - Thanksgiving!! and Black Friday
D.C. trip upcoming, Vegas after that, Utah mid-year next year.
The weather will change before I know it, racing season will be back, and I see myself actually RUNNING one this year!

(One positive that came from my anger-fueled workout yesterday - running has become much easier. I think I'm going to just keep doing a little here and a little there, but once the weather starts to turn a bit and I can stand being outside in the freezing cold again (it's hard to find that fancy winter weather running gear in super-duper-extra-looper fat@$$ size!) I'm going to try C25K again or some other running program. My goal is to be able to run a 5k by summer of 2011.)

EDITED: It felt good to write it, but it's no longer necessary.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SWELL10 11/19/2010 8:07AM

    Girl, sometimes this journey just SUCKS!! We all feel it. Don't give up and it will get better! Way to work off the anger at the gym. It does help! Hang in there.

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MRSSIBRAT 11/19/2010 6:34AM

    I understand how you feel girlie...I was there this week too. I told my husband that this is the first week in a long time and I have been this way and it is the last week in a long time it will be this way so I am not stressing over it. SO don't worry girl. Next week is a new week!!

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ANAJAK 11/19/2010 2:54AM

    Hon I'm sorry you're feeling this way - sounds like you're trying everything you can :) Just keep on keeping on buddy we're all here right with ya and yes I'm (pretty sure) we all have "those" days...

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MAMADWARF 11/18/2010 11:36PM

    Oh yeah, I love the new icon picture too!

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MAMADWARF 11/18/2010 11:35PM

    IM sorry things are so rough for you. Just by reading your blogs over these months, I know you will work it out. I am so sorry about your grandpa in law. That makes me sad. My dad was like that too, when he was in the hospital. It is very very difficult to see someone so upset and disoriented.

I just want you to know that you matter to me and your grace in the way you handle things inspire me very much. Hang in there.. Jan

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 11/18/2010 7:06PM

    I've got nothing. It's all sh*t sometimes. But I'm right there with you. emoticon

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ATROTTIER 11/18/2010 5:38PM

    I'm so sorry you are going through all of this right now...sending you virtual hugs my fellow sparkie!! emoticon

I love that you are looking ahead to the good things coming up! Good luck on your interview tomorrow!!
I too cannot wait for Harry Potter this weekend - yaaaaa!!! Have fun!!
Short work week next week!! Thanksgiving!! Black Friday - YES!!
Enjoy it all my friend, and take it easy on yourself! emoticon

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GETFIT2LIVE 11/18/2010 4:31PM

    Yeah, I have those days too, sometimes too many in a row to count. Stress will do that to us. So sorry about all the stuff going on, especially about your hubby's grandpa. Sometimes it's the meds they have them on in the hospital that can cause that kind of reaction, so hopefully that's what it is, not what you fear. Hang in there. You're a fighter; you have come so far, and I know you will make it. You've made amazing changes in your life, and even when YOU can't see the difference, everyone else can.


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DETERMINED_SOUL 11/18/2010 4:26PM

    Sometimes venting is the best way to get through your difficult times. I have those days when I work extra hard because I am angry at something, it does push me to do better other times as well because I now know I can do it.

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BTINTERNET 11/18/2010 4:21PM

    *hugs* Control is overrated sometimes.

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SARAWALKS 11/18/2010 3:00PM

    OH yeah, days like that for sure! And even if you do crawl under your desk and cry it all out, no problem, you will get cramped & bored under there soon and have to come out...
I am so sorry about Hubs' grandpa. Hope it is not what you fear... emoticon

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COMPASSLOST1 11/18/2010 2:58PM

    Ohhh my friend, how I completely understand the way you are feeling. I just read your blog from yesterday too, and I found myself feeling so close to you. I think that you and I have a lot in common and I really can relate to the way you are feeling. How daunting this journey actually is. How hard it is, and how people who don't struggle with their weight just can't possibly understand. I watched that Parenthood episode too, and that line struck me as well. It's true... we are our biggest critics, and while it makes us stronger, sometimes it hinders us as well. I have been having a lot of those "I hate everything and everyone" days lately, and I hope it's just a result of the changing seasons. You are beautiful and strong and inspiring, and know that even when you don't feel like you will ever make it you will. Just think about yourself when you started this. You had double to lose what you do now!!! You are doing a phenomenal job, and we can only do this one day at a time. I know you can do this. And I can't wait for the day when you run that 5K.

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MARCYNA 11/18/2010 12:56PM

    Same things happens to me....terrible days, just be patient to yourself and they'll pass

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ATREAT4ME 11/18/2010 12:12PM

    You may want to crawl under your desk and cry it out, but you won't do that because you're a fighter. I know it, everyone knows it, and most importantly you know it.

So we're here. All of us fighters. And we'll all keep fighting. Not giving up on you and not telling you what to do. Just hanging with you because you're a fighter and so am I. The buddy system.

Friendly tap to arm!

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RIGBY31 11/18/2010 11:20AM

    I have found excellent workout gear for *us gals* at the website. Even tennis skirts! A little pricey but a girl has got to look goooood when workin' it! Give it a try? (double bonus... a good outfit and good workout!)

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RAVENSONG37 11/18/2010 10:16AM

    I totally have I hate everyone days. Weeks even. Hugs babe. You are right where you are supposed to be and the only way around is through. Feel your feelings...that's a strength right there. Acknowledge your fears and understand they are fears, not reality. I've been missing my spark too and it sucks that we seem to struggle at the same times. Wish I could give you a giant hug.

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 11/18/2010 10:05AM


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2 Days Off - 2 Off Days

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Monday I went home from work early. I didn't feel good. My stomach felt weird. My head was causing some pain. I was exhausted from no sleep the night before. So I left for lunch at 1:15pm and didn't come back. I figured I'd go home, take a nap, and then maybe hit the gym for some yoga later. I spent the rest of the night on the couch, eating everything in sight, never fully hungry, seemingly never full, certainly never satisfied.

Tuesday I woke up still feeling horrible. I called work and told them, "Nope. Ain't gonna happen. See ya tomorrow!" and went back to bed. I slept for a good long time. And I still didn't feel much better when I woke up around 10am...just not exactly tired anymore. I moved my sickly operation to the couch so I could put on the TV as background noise. I thought of Sparking, and thought against it. I had no plans to go anywhere. I didn't really want to see anyone. I wanted to curl into a ball and have people take care of me. And then Hubs left and I was all alone, which actually felt quite nice.

Sick? Well, yes. I did NOT feel good. I barely ate Tuesday, but each time I did I was trying to find something, anything to make me feel better - and everything I ate only helped to make me feel worse. I would have been better off just sleeping for 24 hours straight. I watched Biggest Loser and felt a twinge of guilt for not working out for two days. This was heightened when I saw the sign in the BL gym that said, "Stand up and finish what you started." Not today, Bob. I watched Parenthood later, and cried, literally had a little crying fit for no apparent reason, especially after this line, "Life will knock you down more times than you can imagine. Don't knock yourself down." *sigh* And it wasn't until I started myself toward bed that I asked myself, "Just WHAT is your problem?"

I was on a high this weekend. I saw my family and had wonderful conversation. I felt like an adult among my aunts. I got a ton of compliments, even one from my uncle who is known for his jokes, NOT his compliments. (Unless you count, "Hey! You don't look quite as ugly today as you did yesterday!" as a compliment.) I visited friends and got more compliments. And I felt great! I even asked for a picture to be taken of me! ASKED, I tell ya! I wanted an updated picture of Hubs and I, since I haven't had one since my brother graduated in May of last year. And even though I was really angry at myself the next day for forgetting Ethan's football banquet, I was still able to rush him down there in time to see him get his trophy for the 2010 season. I was feeling great!

And then the pictures came back, as they tend to do. And my excitement faded. I look basically the same to myself as I used to. I can see changes in my face and shoulders, yes (collarbones and jawline, hello!), but I still feel 2-3 times larger than the rest of my family. And this one thought started one of those wonderfully tragic snowball gathered speed and momentum as it went, and suddenly I was crashing again.

230. TWO THIRTY! That's still 109 pounds away! ONE HUNDRED AND NINE! When will I ever get to a place where I can honestly say, "My last XXX pounds" and not need three spaces? Granted, the first hundred pounds weren't easy. No way, no how. But staring down the barrel of another hundred pounds makes me want to run and hide. ONE HUNDRED AND NINE! One hundred and nine... For two days I've felt every emotion possible.

Anger and resentment.
Sadness and loneliness.
Joy and Happiness.

It all came at once like the gathering of a wave that waits to break until it's just upon the shore. I was drowning in my own emotions, self-pity, and self-doubt.

Losing weight isn't fun or easy. Okay, that's not exactly true. Sometimes it's both! I swear to you now there are some times that I feel like I'm having a blast and the weight melts off like nothing. But, more times than not, it's a brutal road. I don't know how to take things easy. I don't know how to keep doing the same thing over and over again for months and years. I am driven by the mere thought of change. I want something different and exciting. I want to feel alive every day! But many times, feeling alive is painful!

The commitment of another 100+ pounds is scary. It scares the crap out of me, because I know how hard it has been to maintain what I've been doing. I've enjoyed a lot of it, but I've also been sore the majority of the time. Blisters on my feet taking weeks and months to heal, only to return again and again. Bruises up and down my legs, in my hands and arms. Constant knee pain in both knees. Pain in my elbows. This battered body doesn't know how much more punishment it can take.

It gets easier...unless you're me. Because I challenge myself to do better, be faster and stronger, go farther. I want more each time. I want to see the changes in my fitness level because it's easier and quicker to recognize and pick out for me than the changes in my body. I've lost 76 pounds so far, and this stupid stomach still hides much of my legs. I don't remember ever not having it, though I'm sure I once did, but any joy I could ever imagine from trying on clothes is severely threatened by the large mass of hanging skin and fat right on the front of me. It greets people the same time I do. It holds me back from what I want. And it's a constant reminder that, no matter how far I've come, I'm not even close to where I'm going. I *hate* my stomach.

I keep thinking - soon, maybe, MAYBE? PLEASE?! I keep thinking I'm noticing it receding, but then I tell myself I'm delusional and only seeing improvement there because I want it so badly. Shrinking, yes, receding? Don't know. So I tell myself to just keep going because it has GOT to recede soon...but I doubt that as a fact. I don't remember myself without it. I'm not sure I can exist without it. I don't think I will ever be able to pull off the perfect black pencil skirt. I love fashion, but I hate dressing this body because of all its limitations.

So the number 230 was hanging over my head, and, I have to say, more than any actual pounds of fat or muscle on my body, the heaviest burden I've been carrying the past two days, has been that number, that 230. Because even though it's the number picked out for me by the PT, and even though it sounds great right now, even 230 sounds quite large. And I'm scared both that I'll never get there, and that I'll get there and it still won't be enough.

I tell myself not to think big picture. I know the secrets of working on each pound, a pound at a time, 5 at a time, 10% at a time. I know it all, I've said it all. But I can only stand staring into the keyhole for so long before I want to open the door and really see what's beyond all the hard work it will take to allow me to open it. I need a bigger peek...and my imagination runs wild with what COULD be behind the door. The possibilities are endless, both the negative and the positive ones.

I spent the past two days letting my imagination take me wherever it wanted. And it didn't feel good. And then I got up to go to bed, I packed myself a salad for lunch today, I folded the laundry, I put away clothes and towels, I set out my clothes and gym clothes for the next day. I set the alarm and crawled in bed, pulled my little eye-covering down over my eyes and thought for the next hour and a half all the thoughts I'd been avoiding, and I planned over them and around them, and I fought them mentally. And I told myself it would be alright. And I drifted to sleep again.

Today I woke up better physically, if not 100% mentally. I'm still exhausted, and still feel daunted by the task at hand. I'm literally afraid of the size 24 jeans in my bedroom because I fear they will never fit. I also spent the past few days not drinking water and eating whatever I wanted (basically, thankfully I was restricted mostly to the foods already in the house) and whenever I wanted. Monday I weighed 343.something. Tuesday 342.something. Today? 340.something. All is not lost.

Some progress I noted, however:
* I did not jump in my car and head to the store for a binge buying spree.
* I did not jump in the car and head for fast food or take out.
* I did not allow myself every negative thought without rebuttal.
* I did not resort to eating all day every day just because I was emotionally hungry.
* I did not forget how far I had come, or diminish those efforts.
* I did not automatically think the week was wasted or ruined.
* I let the feelings come and go without judging myself for them.
* I spoke up and let Hubs know that I didn't have the energy to cook and let him take over dinners.

I'm not sure if I was actually physically ill, or if the physical pains were merely manifestations of the emotional turmoil I was experiencing. I still feel really tired today and completely anxious about going to the gym tonight. I will likely attempt to talk myself out of it, but I'm going to remind myself that my card must be swiped 2 times a week at least for my membership in the insurance program to stay active. I'm also dreading spending another high amount of my membership fee when I go in again tonight. I'm also dreading questions about where I've been (when you become known as a regular gym rat, people want to know what happened to you when you don't come for a bit...I think this may be heightened by their fear that I am still very large and am likely to burn out and lose all the progress I've made thus far).

I took 2 days off and had 2 very off days. I'm hoping that will be it for now as I have some great weeks ahead of me.

This weekend - HP premiere! and an interview on Friday
Next week - Thanksgiving and Black Friday
The weekend after - short rest before my trip
Weekend after that - D.C. training

I still need to go grocery shopping ...something else I avoided the past 2 days. We'll see when and if that happens.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ATROTTIER 11/18/2010 5:19PM

    I'm happy to hear you are feeling better!Sounds like a grueling couple of days emotionally and physically - those days are so hard, but afterwards don't you feel releived and energized to not have them again? I know sometimes that doesn't always happen right away but we need those days off. I took mine off yesterday - tummy problems here too! What's up with that? I just couldn't see myself letting my tummy flop around during jazzercise, made me queasy just thinking about it. When you think of the big picture (in yours its the 230) it makes it seem so unattainable becasue we want it soooooo bad and we want to live in that body image we have in our drives me crazy!! I try and focus on 5 pounds at a time but sometimes its just not good enough, but you are doing great! The emotional journey is one that goes along with the physical and you are changing for the better every single day! emoticon

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MAGPIE17 11/18/2010 12:53PM

    It sounds like you needed those two days, Esther, to let things fall apart a little. It enables you to put them back together in a better way! Glad you're feeling better!

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LOOKY-LOU 11/18/2010 10:42AM

    Wow, rough blog. So glad you are able to put all those horrible emotions into words. I wish I could...

Good luck with putting one foot in front of the other and faking it until you feel back to yourself again!

Wish I could hug you and tell you how inspiring and wonderful you are.... emoticon

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DETERMINED_SOUL 11/18/2010 9:13AM

    You are doing such a wonderful job and making tremendous progress! Just look at all the things you would have done, that you didn't do this time. 100+ pounds can be very scary to lose. Think of how that next pair of jeans will fit, it will be fantastic! Hang in there and take things one day at a time. I know after I lost about half of my weight, I went back and started teh sparkdiet over at day one. I set new goals and new plans. That really helped me to see how far I had come and how simple it will be to reach the end.

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HARMONYBLUE 11/17/2010 9:37PM

    I know it seems daunting. I had 130 pounds lose when I started and I thought how HARD it would be and how LONG it would take and then I thought, if I do nothing now, next year I will still have 130 pounds to lose. Well you have momentum on your side. You are losing! If you stop now, this time next year, you will still have 109 pounds to lose. You will get there. And start taking measurements so you know what is shrinking. My tummy is my nemesis as well. One of first goals was not to have shave my bikini area "blind". That I have at least managed to accomplish. Now I want to be able to do it without having to press my tummy out of the way LOL.

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ATREAT4ME 11/17/2010 9:28PM

    I don't know hubs at all, but I know the look on his face and he looks proud to be with you, to have his arm around you! And you, sweet Callikia, look radiant. What a blessing to have that moment captured on film. You were feeling so great right then and there that you wanted it preserved. That is a great emotion. I, know, it's just an image. But, when I look at your faces I see the emotion of having worked so hard to be in a new and different place from before. And I am so proud of you and proud to know you through SP.

You have voiced some of my feelings as if you had felt them. Especially when you wrote about loving change. I'm like that too. I saw a moving truck the other day and got excited. Do you like moving? Or am I still the singular freak there?

Ugh, the keyhole! Yup, I agree with that and I still have a belly that greets people first. I don't know if it helps you to know I'm out here, feeling some of the same things. But I am and I'm also glad you made a list of all the things you did right. This journey (battle) is mental, emotional, physical, spiritual. It takes its toll. I say you had two very well-earned, well-deserved rest days.

Just my two cents.

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KITHKINCAID 11/17/2010 8:21PM

    Hey Sweetie - I'm not glad you had a bad couple of days, but in a way I am. You need to have those - everyone does. It helps you to emotionally move through things. If the next 100 pounds looks terrifying, think about how terrifying GAINING 100 pounds would be at this point in your journey. Which is scarier? At least you've LOST 100 pounds already. I can't wait to be at the day that I can say that. It's such a huge accomplishment, and you're already so far beyond that. Yes the next 109 pounds look daunting, they do to me too, but when I really look back on how far I've come, it doesn't seem THAT horrible. Chin up. Your fans love you :)

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NIMNIX 11/17/2010 7:46PM

    Becoming known as a "regular gym rat" is pretty awesome. Being asked where you were for a couple days isn't a bad thing, it's a mark of how dedicated everyone knows you are. My friends joke about my "addiction" to working out, even when I've taken a few days off. Not a lot of people can even say people at the gym recognize them and know them as a gym rat.

It's pretty awesome in my opinion. The fact that you took a break just means they don't have to double-check to see if you're human or machine. emoticon

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DOWNTOWNJEN 11/17/2010 7:24PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 11/17/2010 7:22PM

    Well, you look beautiful. There is a lot of negative stuff happening to a lot of people right now. I'm sorry that you have also fallen casualty to negative thinking. However, I know you are strong. I have faith in you. I know this moment will pass and soon you will be saying 299! 299! emoticon

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ERIN1128 11/17/2010 7:09PM

    You HAVE come a long way, and don't ever forget that. Your notes on "progress" - didn't binge, didn't give up, spoke up for myself - are HUGE. Every day, and every week, are not going to be easy...but you've been a real trooper about always getting back onto the wagon. Keep hanging in!

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SARAWALKS 11/17/2010 5:35PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
for all you have done so far!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
for all you are going to do!
You inspire me! I think you look just beautiful in that photo and you are going to look better and better, even if it comes on you gradually. You're a marvelous writer, I love to read your blogs, and you have so much to offer the world in LOTS of ways!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
And it's OK to struggle like this, you will get through it! Be good to yourself - you're learning to do that!

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CANOGAPARKGAL 11/17/2010 5:20PM

    You SHOULD get a punching bag for the garage! (in addition to going to the gym, of course).

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TEAM-SARAH 11/17/2010 5:16PM

    You WILL get there. I can imagine that 109 pounds seems just ever so daunting but... hey just 10 more pounds until you have "XX" pounds to lose instead of "XXX" pounds. So that's something right there! You've lost so much and you've come so far and going back just isn't even an option. You can't think about how hard it'll be you just gotta do it because like you said, you weren't LIVING before. You deserve this and you can do it. You're gonna have days where you feel like this, like it is hopeless, like there are no changes. There DEFINITELY are though... inside and out. The size 24 jeans will be huge before you know it. You gotta learn to love yourself and your body no matter what (something I'm working on myself) because there's always going to be SOMETHING to pick apart if you let yourself go down that road. If you lose all the weight it will be something else. It's not the weight getting in the way... you just have to stop getting in your own way. Easier said than done, absolutely... but one of the most true things I've ever heard.

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 11/17/2010 4:55PM

    I'm sorry you are going through a rough patch right now. emoticon I'm not sure how you perceive this journey, as a means to an end or a lifetime of change. I made the mistake last time of not realizing it was for a lifetime and it came back to bite me. If you are working SO hard that you don't have your joy and you are tearing your body apart you have got to reevaluate your strategy. Well, you don't have too. emoticon I can relate to pushing and pushing and pushing to the point of burnout. Not doing that this time.

You are amazing in your determination. You have come so far and yes, you have a ways to go but you will get there. Any voice soft or loud that tries to derail you needs to be quieted. The pictured you shared is so beautiful.

I too loved that quote from Parenthood...borrowed it for my status earlier today. emoticon There was so much truth in it.

I hear your struggles but above all that I hear your strength, your drive and your desire. I'm looking forward to sharing the rest of this journey with you. Hang in there lady and pat yourself on the back for each and every positive step forward. emoticon

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KT-NICHOLS-13 11/17/2010 4:42PM

    Love Parenthood and yes this line touched something in me too ... "Life will knock you down more times than you can imagine. Don't knock yourself down."

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RUNTRILAUGH 11/17/2010 4:42PM

    I can't really offer you anything more than just support!

I absolutely love the honesty in your blog, and the good feelings you were experiencing with your family are awesome! Listen to those compliments - apparently YOU ARE DOING THIS!!!
They noticed!!!! So should you!

I can understand how it could be overwhelming at times, but baby steps will get you there!

I don't know what to say, other than... just know we are here, we want you to be happy and would do whatever you need to help you in this journey!


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Wednesday's WAL Exercise (Step 1: Parts d, e, and f)

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Well, we're back again. These exercises are from Stacey Halprin's book "Winning After Losing." For a look at parts a, b, and c, go here:

So, moving on. So far we've talked about the old me and the new me and how my thoughts have changed since losing this weight. We've also tackled the daunting task of acknowledging some of my support system (though certainly not all!). Oh, and my favorite part of all was thinking about the thing I am the most proud of - which, for me, was learning to live instead of waiting to die. We're still on part 1: Celebrate your success, but we're moving on to new challenges of self-discovery.

Part D: Shedding the Invisibility Cloak
I struggle with this...a lot. On the one hand, I get nervous when people notice or compliment how good I'm doing. No, it's not only because I think "You are looking great now!" translates roughly to, "Man! I'm so glad I can finally tell you how hideous you used to look!", but also because there's this level of expectation that comes along with the compliments. Maybe I'm over thinking it, and it's not too much of a stretch to think I put these thoughts in their heads for them, instead of them actually having them, but I feel like every "I'm so proud of you" comes with a threat of disappointment if this doesn't continue. If I can't keep up my end of the bargain, those looks of pride will turn to looks of disappointment and my heart will break.

But there's another side to this coin too. I guess this is why it's different thinking about these things in mid-process rather than when it's all over. I have this recurring thought that people at the gym and elsewhere are looking at me and thinking I'm just starting out. Seven months, nay, several years of hard work mean nothing when people make snap judgments of me because of my weight. It saddens me to think that they might believe this is my first time on a treadmill. And I really do know I'm not so far off base when I get the comments and looks following my proud statements about the 5k and 10ks I've done already. REALLY?! It's hard to feel like your work can't really be appreciated, and it leads you back to the "I still have so far to go" thinking that many of us try to avoid like the plague! (and for good reason!)

Part E: Don't Swallow It, Say It
I'm going to be 100% honest about this part. I hate journaling, but I love blogging. Why? That's easy! Audience! We all want to be heard and having the support system that SP provides is a huge boost to that feeling of belonging we often feel we lack in our day to day lives. But does this mean I don't give myself "the credit as being a valid audience?" Well, yes, and no.

I don't want to live in my head. I know what it's like there, and sometimes it's really, really messy. Living there all alone is scary, and that's why I adopt friends to take the journey with me and help me pass the time without worrying about every single random (and they are very random, monkey, monkey underpants) thought that pops into my head and what it means and what I should do with it. But as much as I love my audience in a blog, be it 1 or 100, I write solely for me, with the chance hope that someone, somewhere can derive some sort of inspiration, motivation, or even just kinship through my writing. I can't count the times I've watched a movie and cried at a line just because it struck something in me, or read a book and completely snatched a quote out of context to apply it to my certain situation. These accidental meetings of another's mind with my own is something I think, perhaps, I can share with others by putting myself on the other end of the equation.

EXAMPLE: Just last night I was watching an episode of Parenthood (how can I not? Hello, Lauren Graham!) and this line struck me and made me actually cry: "Life will knock you down more times than you can imagine. Don't knock yourself down." Wow! Big, right?

Something else comes out of my blogging, and I'll likely need a whole other blog post to talk about this's a delayed thinking. Many times I write to write. I don't plan, I let my brain speak. I'll read this blog throughout the day and in the days to follow several times...and many times it's not until days later that I pick up some hidden sentiment or (usually) fear in what I wrote. I realize something about myself, but it takes days of distancing myself from the emotion and that one specific moment, to read about it and discover it more objectively. So blogging here connects that need for an external audience and sense of belonging with my sense of self-discovery through more objective readings later...if all that makes any sense to anyone.

EXAMPLE: For the past 2 days I haven't felt well, that is true. But it is also true that much of this is mental exhaustion, fear, and struggle from both the ups and downs I've experienced in the last few weeks. It's been a roller coaster of a ride lately, and my body and mind are having a hard time keeping up. It took me over an hour and a half to fall asleep last night...and took me an hour of off and on waking to actually get up this morning. It's not healthy, and it's physically draining.

Still, I know I need to really seek validation from myself. Something I struggle with is the fear that once the weight is off, there is a vast assumption that the journey is over, that the hard part is done and there are no additional struggles ahead. I know that won't be true. I Know It! It's all hard. Losing weight, maintaining, heck, just living life with a sane mind can be hard some times! But I know that the external audience will dwindle in times to come, and when all is said and done, I need to be comfortable getting my validation from myself.

Okay, now everyone repeat after me:
"I appreciate that you want to help me, but I'm not open to feedback about that."

What a great line to battle unsolicited feedback from folks. (I take no credit...that's right from the book! And I know some of my Spark Friends have been struggling with unsolicited advice lately, so I brought you some helpful armor.) Look, people will always think they know what's best for us...they did it when we were fat, why not when we're skinny? Whatevs. You gotta do what's best for you. Period, end of story. But people aren't generally trying to be rude (even though when we get immediately defensive, it may actually feel that way), but think they are really going to help us. They have the best intentions, but remember that road to hell?? Best Intentions, LLC paved that one too!

Part F: Stress Leads to Weight Gain
Increased stress = increased coritsol levels = BAD! (weight gain)

Okay, so we've all heard this, but when you hear of the biological/physical reasons for the actual weight gain that results from high levels of stress, it really makes me want to find trigger releases. It's like a grenade whose pin has been pulled, but whose trigger has not been fully released. If I can find a way to settle myself before I release my anger and stress, and lead myself down a road of binge eating, if I can find, instead, a way to pick up that pin again and replace it to it's original space, all will be well. I don't have answers for how to do that right now. In the past 7 month I have had high levels of success with this, and then, as if the past few months weren't a big enough indicator, increasing struggles with it. It's going to be all about finding those situations that stress me out, figuring out what my usual response is, and then testing alternative activities that can help relieve that stress.

I do know that exercise is a HUGE stress reliever for me. I told Hubs last night that I wish I had a punching bag in the garage so I could go out there whenever we're fighting. Lately, when we argue over stupid things that make no real difference, I will actually change my clothes and go to the gym to work out my aggression. It's a much healthier outlet, but not completely 100% realistic for handling every situation...that's why it's important for me to find other ways to dealing with it. No answers yet, just awareness.

I'll talk about the last two days more when I'm ready...which isn't quite yet. It's been emotional and telling, but I'm feeling much better today and I can't wait (and am simultaneously terrified) to go to the gym tonight.

Till then...I'll miss you, Alot! (*snickers*)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RIGBY31 11/17/2010 6:53PM

    Whew! I feel better. You think it, feel it, write it. I can't put my finger on the feelings until I see them in (your) print. I'm saying (as I'm reading)... yes! Yes! YES!..... you are a gem of a person. And I mean it.

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SARAWALKS 11/17/2010 5:58PM

    emoticon Esther, you just inspired me to a blog confession...
and I know just what you mean about the writing. I often write to find out what I think. And sometimes it takes a while to figure that out. Writing is such a powerful tool for self-understanding. and blogging is very freeing because you don't feel it has to be perfect, it just has to communicate.
You are a marvelous writer and thinker! emoticon

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KITHKINCAID 11/17/2010 3:46PM

    I totally agree with everything you've said about blogging. Those are the reasons that I like it too. I write for me - but having the audience is nice for sure. And I feel the same way you do about people at the gym and in life looking at me like I'm just starting out because I'm still very overweight, even though I feel so tiny inside. It's like you said before - the emotional journey is about 80% of the struggle here. Food & Exercise are the other 20%, but they're not the only thing that goes into this by a long shot.

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Weigh-In Day - Bye-Bye 340s!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Weigh-In Day

Starting Weight: 466.6
SP SW: 416.2
Last Week: 342.2
Goal this Week: 340.2
Actual Weight: 339.2
Loss/Gain: -3.0 pounds!
SP Total Loss: 77
Total Loss: 127.4

Bye-Bye 340's! It was nice while it lasted, but now I'm ready to move on to better things and smaller numbers!! :)

First, let me tell you about yesterday. I ate pretty normally in the morning, my regular 1/2 a bagel with cream cheese and some coffee, before taking off for a walk. It was great! The weather was nice, and I wasn't worried about pace or distance, I just walked and watched how far we'd gone on my Nike+ watch. We walked a pretty long ways and I kept commenting to Logan about how difficult this same route used to be for me. It felt great to realize in the moment that I had progressed to this point in my fitness level! Almost 49 minutes later, with 2.28 miles under our belt (me, Logan, and Joey, our dog) and I hopped in the shower to get ready for our trip to Columbus.

The drive was beautiful! What a wonderful day to be out driving! We got to the restaurant about 20 minutes or so early and my aunt arrived about the same time. I got a ton of compliments all night about how well I had done and I felt especially prepared for eating because I had checked the Spaghetti Warehouse menu and nutritionals the night before. I made a plan with my 11 year old, he was to pretend he was 10, order what I wanted from the kids menu, and I'd order what he wanted from the adult menu. I felt like a genius! (Oh, and a tip from me to you, don't assume the healthy thing on the menu is the best for you - their regular 15-layer lasagna is about 750 calories per slice, which their vegetable lasagna is nearly double the calories!! Can you believe it?!)

I had some bread with their amazing garlic butter, a little more than I had planned, but I knew I had calories for it. When our entrees came, I handed over the huge piece of lasagna to Logan and took my small plate of Kids Spaghetti with 2 Meatballs (but only ate one meatball and didn't even finish all my spaghetti! *lol*). I had water and diet coke, switching off all night between the two to make sure I was keeping my water down. (I make myself "earn" my diet coke now! *lol*) When they brought out the beautiful white cake with whipped cream frosting, I took a piece. Two to three bites into it and I was getting a MASSIVE, painful sugar rush headache. I grabbed my head and begged Shane to take the cake away. My body wasn't used to the sugar and was responding rather painfully.

I'll have pictures to share later, once my uncle posts them or sends them to me. I even asked him to take an updated picture of Shane and I because it's been over a year since we've had a good one. He showed me the pictures on the screen and I wasn't depressed over the results! I took a picture with Cathy and Dan (whose anniversary it was), and then with my aunt Cathy and her bridesmaids. (I had to get on my knees in front of them because I'm taller than all of them! *lol* They were commenting on how I had just gotten down and gotten back up and my aunt Cathy talked to me about how she wants to do Zumba. The two of us share both red hair and bad knees, so she saw that I was managing Zumba, and now she wants to try it!) I actually can't wait to see the pictures.

After the party, we headed over to my friend's house. I knew she was with another friend of mine from HS and their plan was to crack open a bottle of our favorite wine. I ended up having about 3 glasses of wine before we left, and my head reminded me why I don't drink very often, but it felt good to sit around and laugh and hang out. I got more compliments from them on my weight loss, so that felt good as well.

All in all, it was a very good day.

Recapping last week:
Sunday - I'm not sure I ever finished logging. We went to Chinese buffet for lunch, so I ate most of my calories there, but I just wasn't hungry much of the rest of the day. I think I may have eaten a piece of bread with some peanut butter later, my own very special treat. *lol* Either way, I was good on my calories and don't believe I went over 2,000. 0 calories burned on my rest day.

Monday - 1628 calories eaten + LOTS of water! 60 minutes of Yoga burned about 318 calories.

Tuesday - 1965 calories consumed. That was great considering that I went ahead and ate a bit of the spaghetti my boss made during our training session that day. A long line dancing session, and 15 minutes pre-class on the elliptical = 901 calories burned.

Wednesday - 2139 calories consumed. YUMMY Potato Soup day! 14 minutes on the elliptical to start, and a 45 minute painful, agonizing pilates class = 534 calories burned for the day, and tons of muscles worked that I rarely work, apparently, I was sore for DAYS!

Thursday - 1763 calories consumed. AWESOME considering Hubs wanted Ponderosa buffet for dinner. I just wasn't that hungry, which is a great way to watch calories at a buffet! *lol* I got stuck cleaning at the house in order to move in a new couch, that heavy cleaning, plus a quick round with JM's 30DS and I burned 749 calories for the day.

Friday - 1830 calories for the day. Another accomplishment considering I had no clue what I wanted for lunch and was able to make a great choice! 0 calories burned on this very much needed rest day. LOTS and LOTS of water again - had to repair those muscles!

Saturday - 2113 calories consumed. I'm a rockstar! And our 2.28 mile burned about 324 calories.

Total calories burned: 2826 of 2270 goal!

All that for me, plus constantly reminding myself to DRINK DRINK DRINK of the water = a great 3 pound loss and a time to say hello to the 330s!!

My goals for next week:

emoticon Weight goal: 337.2
emoticon Nutritional:
* 1900-2250 calories per day, but it's okay to be a little under, as long as I'm in the 1600-1800 range.
* Less sodium, which means eating more at home and prepping my food before work each day.
* Up those fruits and veggies! I'm just not getting enough and I want more! *lol*
* And drink drink drink at least 10 glasses of water a day!

emoticon Fitness Goal: Burn 2270 calories for the week.

Sunday - Active Rest day. Might get a little cleaning done around here.
Monday -No yoga, so it's back to the elliptical or treadmill for me. And ST!
Tuesday - Zumba (our instructor SHOULD be back!)
Wednesday - Pilates again. (Going to try stretching a little more before class.) This is ST!
Thursday - Zumba
Friday - Choice day: elliptical, rowing, boxing, SIBCCT, or whatever, and ST!
Saturday - 3 to 4 miles LDW
That's the plan, but plans can change, as long as the alternative burns similar or more calories! ;)

Oh, and did I mention - it said 339! It said 339!! My goal was to get under 330 by Christmas so I can get a Wii Fit board. If I lose 2 pounds a week from now until then, I should be there the week before! Either way, I see my goal and I see me reaching it, and that feels SO good.

On a side note - my friend approached me today about doing a Warrior Dash in Ohio next June. The idea is both exciting and scary! It's only 2.91 miles or something, but the things they want you to do...they actually scare me. Barbed wire to crawl under, cars to climb over, my hypochondriac self is barreling through all the illnesses and injuries I could get from one day's race...and yet, part of me wants to actually do it. We'll see. No need to decide until May...just something to think about...

FYI - I also posted some updated progress pictures yesterday and I feel happy about them. Finally!! Still a long ways to go, but I'm seeing it, I'm SEEING the progress!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

-SHIMMER-ANN- 11/17/2010 10:11AM

    WOW, that's so fantastic!!!!!!!!!!! That's at LEAST 60 lbs since we've met, I love it!!! OMGosh girl, almost to the 200s!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!

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ATREAT4ME 11/15/2010 3:38PM

    I don't know how I missed this, but I am so glad I got to read it today. You sound great! I am so happy that you're feeling better and can see YOUR progress. This post is just filled with victories on and off the scale. Brilliant!

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MAGPIE17 11/15/2010 11:37AM

    Dude, you are totally a machine!! Way to go, Esther!!!!

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MEGSFITNESS 11/15/2010 10:49AM

    That warrior dash sounds NUTS! I'd do it hehehehe... but then again, y'know..

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BAYBELIEVER 11/15/2010 9:59AM

    Great week! And what a fantastic day! And if you don't mind, I exited the 340s this past week too, so I wanted to celebrate with you! Yay for you! Yay for me! Warrior dash?? Go for it!

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WATCHMEGO2 11/15/2010 8:30AM

    Woot! Awesome week!

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CHICAT63 11/14/2010 7:54PM

    Oh, la la 339 you are doing awesome Esther. Rockin'it Sista. You will get below 330 for Christmas, you are determined & dedicated.

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SARAWALKS 11/14/2010 1:57PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
and it is WONDERFUL to hear you sounding so enthusiastic! You have a great plan here, emoticon
emoticon AND WII-FIT BY emoticon !!!!!!!!!!!!

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KITHKINCAID 11/14/2010 1:53PM

    Way to go on hitting the 330s!!! Now can you rub some of that off on me? I saw 250 on the scale this morning and I want to be in the 240s by Wednesday...FINGERS CROSSED!

Great job rockstar!

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 11/14/2010 1:45PM

    You are amazing Esther! And a calorie killer! Is that even legal? ;-) You are going to blow away your own goal!

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RIGBY31 11/14/2010 12:18PM

    Your numbers and analysis AND EFFORT are amazing and inspiring. I'm definitely going to up my exercise this week. Thanks for the motivation and congrats of your weight loss!

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TKPHOTOGIRL 11/14/2010 11:35AM

  I can feel your positive energy coming out of the screen with this one! That's an amazing week! emoticon

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GOZEKIGRL 11/14/2010 10:44AM


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READINESSISALL 11/14/2010 10:42AM

  WOHOOO! You go girl!!! :) Great plan while out at the restaurant--it's so important to plan ahead! I need to get better at that!
Sounds like you had a great day!

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SUGIRL06 11/14/2010 10:42AM

    Way to go on the 339!!!
And as for Lasagna, its because the use white sauce a lot of the time with veggie lasagna! Tricky people!
Sounds like you had an awesome week! Keep it up!!!

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MAIA2011 11/14/2010 10:41AM

    Did you get through the 340s in two weeks or am I hallucinating?!? Wow!


Also, I am glad that you are almost afraid of a fitness goal. Your fearlessness was getting really annoying!


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KIANA2713 11/14/2010 10:40AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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