Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Monday I went home from work early. I didn't feel good. My stomach felt weird. My head was causing some pain. I was exhausted from no sleep the night before. So I left for lunch at 1:15pm and didn't come back. I figured I'd go home, take a nap, and then maybe hit the gym for some yoga later. I spent the rest of the night on the couch, eating everything in sight, never fully hungry, seemingly never full, certainly never satisfied.
Tuesday I woke up still feeling horrible. I called work and told them, "Nope. Ain't gonna happen. See ya tomorrow!" and went back to bed. I slept for a good long time. And I still didn't feel much better when I woke up around 10am...just not exactly tired anymore. I moved my sickly operation to the couch so I could put on the TV as background noise. I thought of Sparking, and thought against it. I had no plans to go anywhere. I didn't really want to see anyone. I wanted to curl into a ball and have people take care of me. And then Hubs left and I was all alone, which actually felt quite nice.
Sick? Well, yes. I did NOT feel good. I barely ate Tuesday, but each time I did I was trying to find something, anything to make me feel better - and everything I ate only helped to make me feel worse. I would have been better off just sleeping for 24 hours straight. I watched Biggest Loser and felt a twinge of guilt for not working out for two days. This was heightened when I saw the sign in the BL gym that said, "Stand up and finish what you started." Not today, Bob. I watched Parenthood later, and cried, literally had a little crying fit for no apparent reason, especially after this line, "Life will knock you down more times than you can imagine. Don't knock yourself down." *sigh* And it wasn't until I started myself toward bed that I asked myself, "Just WHAT is your problem?"
I was on a high this weekend. I saw my family and had wonderful conversation. I felt like an adult among my aunts. I got a ton of compliments, even one from my uncle who is known for his jokes, NOT his compliments. (Unless you count, "Hey! You don't look quite as ugly today as you did yesterday!" as a compliment.) I visited friends and got more compliments. And I felt great! I even asked for a picture to be taken of me! ASKED, I tell ya! I wanted an updated picture of Hubs and I, since I haven't had one since my brother graduated in May of last year. And even though I was really angry at myself the next day for forgetting Ethan's football banquet, I was still able to rush him down there in time to see him get his trophy for the 2010 season. I was feeling great!
And then the pictures came back, as they tend to do. And my excitement faded. I look basically the same to myself as I used to. I can see changes in my face and shoulders, yes (collarbones and jawline, hello!), but I still feel 2-3 times larger than the rest of my family. And this one thought started one of those wonderfully tragic snowball effects...it gathered speed and momentum as it went, and suddenly I was crashing again.
230. TWO THIRTY! That's still 109 pounds away! ONE HUNDRED AND NINE! When will I ever get to a place where I can honestly say, "My last XXX pounds" and not need three spaces? Granted, the first hundred pounds weren't easy. No way, no how. But staring down the barrel of another hundred pounds makes me want to run and hide. ONE HUNDRED AND NINE! One hundred and nine... For two days I've felt every emotion possible.
Anger and resentment.
Sadness and loneliness.
Joy and Happiness.
It all came at once like the gathering of a wave that waits to break until it's just upon the shore. I was drowning in my own emotions, self-pity, and self-doubt.
Losing weight isn't fun or easy. Okay, that's not exactly true. Sometimes it's both! I swear to you now there are some times that I feel like I'm having a blast and the weight melts off like nothing. But, more times than not, it's a brutal road. I don't know how to take things easy. I don't know how to keep doing the same thing over and over again for months and years. I am driven by the mere thought of change. I want something different and exciting. I want to feel alive every day! But many times, feeling alive is painful!
The commitment of another 100+ pounds is scary. It scares the crap out of me, because I know how hard it has been to maintain what I've been doing. I've enjoyed a lot of it, but I've also been sore the majority of the time. Blisters on my feet taking weeks and months to heal, only to return again and again. Bruises up and down my legs, in my hands and arms. Constant knee pain in both knees. Pain in my elbows. This battered body doesn't know how much more punishment it can take.
It gets easier...unless you're me. Because I challenge myself to do better, be faster and stronger, go farther. I want more each time. I want to see the changes in my fitness level because it's easier and quicker to recognize and pick out for me than the changes in my body. I've lost 76 pounds so far, and this stupid stomach still hides much of my legs. I don't remember ever not having it, though I'm sure I once did, but any joy I could ever imagine from trying on clothes is severely threatened by the large mass of hanging skin and fat right on the front of me. It greets people the same time I do. It holds me back from what I want. And it's a constant reminder that, no matter how far I've come, I'm not even close to where I'm going. I *hate* my stomach.
I keep thinking - soon, maybe, MAYBE? PLEASE?! I keep thinking I'm noticing it receding, but then I tell myself I'm delusional and only seeing improvement there because I want it so badly. Shrinking, yes, receding? Don't know. So I tell myself to just keep going because it has GOT to recede soon...but I doubt that as a fact. I don't remember myself without it. I'm not sure I can exist without it. I don't think I will ever be able to pull off the perfect black pencil skirt. I love fashion, but I hate dressing this body because of all its limitations.
So the number 230 was hanging over my head, and, I have to say, more than any actual pounds of fat or muscle on my body, the heaviest burden I've been carrying the past two days, has been that number, that 230. Because even though it's the number picked out for me by the PT, and even though it sounds great right now, even 230 sounds quite large. And I'm scared both that I'll never get there, and that I'll get there and it still won't be enough.
I tell myself not to think big picture. I know the secrets of working on each pound, a pound at a time, 5 at a time, 10% at a time. I know it all, I've said it all. But I can only stand staring into the keyhole for so long before I want to open the door and really see what's beyond all the hard work it will take to allow me to open it. I need a bigger peek...and my imagination runs wild with what COULD be behind the door. The possibilities are endless, both the negative and the positive ones.
I spent the past two days letting my imagination take me wherever it wanted. And it didn't feel good. And then I got up to go to bed, I packed myself a salad for lunch today, I folded the laundry, I put away clothes and towels, I set out my clothes and gym clothes for the next day. I set the alarm and crawled in bed, pulled my little eye-covering down over my eyes and thought for the next hour and a half all the thoughts I'd been avoiding, and I planned over them and around them, and I fought them mentally. And I told myself it would be alright. And I drifted to sleep again.
Today I woke up better physically, if not 100% mentally. I'm still exhausted, and still feel daunted by the task at hand. I'm literally afraid of the size 24 jeans in my bedroom because I fear they will never fit. I also spent the past few days not drinking water and eating whatever I wanted (basically, thankfully I was restricted mostly to the foods already in the house) and whenever I wanted. Monday I weighed 343.something. Tuesday 342.something. Today? 340.something. All is not lost.
Some progress I noted, however:
* I did not jump in my car and head to the store for a binge buying spree.
* I did not jump in the car and head for fast food or take out.
* I did not allow myself every negative thought without rebuttal.
* I did not resort to eating all day every day just because I was emotionally hungry.
* I did not forget how far I had come, or diminish those efforts.
* I did not automatically think the week was wasted or ruined.
* I let the feelings come and go without judging myself for them.
* I spoke up and let Hubs know that I didn't have the energy to cook and let him take over dinners.
I'm not sure if I was actually physically ill, or if the physical pains were merely manifestations of the emotional turmoil I was experiencing. I still feel really tired today and completely anxious about going to the gym tonight. I will likely attempt to talk myself out of it, but I'm going to remind myself that my card must be swiped 2 times a week at least for my membership in the insurance program to stay active. I'm also dreading spending another high amount of my membership fee when I go in again tonight. I'm also dreading questions about where I've been (when you become known as a regular gym rat, people want to know what happened to you when you don't come for a bit...I think this may be heightened by their fear that I am still very large and am likely to burn out and lose all the progress I've made thus far).
I took 2 days off and had 2 very off days. I'm hoping that will be it for now as I have some great weeks ahead of me.
This weekend - HP premiere! and an interview on Friday
Next week - Thanksgiving and Black Friday
The weekend after - short rest before my trip
Weekend after that - D.C. training
I still need to go grocery shopping ...something else I avoided the past 2 days. We'll see when and if that happens.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Well, we're back again. These exercises are from Stacey Halprin's book "Winning After Losing." For a look at parts a, b, and c, go here:
So, moving on. So far we've talked about the old me and the new me and how my thoughts have changed since losing this weight. We've also tackled the daunting task of acknowledging some of my support system (though certainly not all!). Oh, and my favorite part of all was thinking about the thing I am the most proud of - which, for me, was learning to live instead of waiting to die. We're still on part 1: Celebrate your success, but we're moving on to new challenges of self-discovery.
Part D: Shedding the Invisibility Cloak
I struggle with this...a lot. On the one hand, I get nervous when people notice or compliment how good I'm doing. No, it's not only because I think "You are looking great now!" translates roughly to, "Man! I'm so glad I can finally tell you how hideous you used to look!", but also because there's this level of expectation that comes along with the compliments. Maybe I'm over thinking it, and it's not too much of a stretch to think I put these thoughts in their heads for them, instead of them actually having them, but I feel like every "I'm so proud of you" comes with a threat of disappointment if this doesn't continue. If I can't keep up my end of the bargain, those looks of pride will turn to looks of disappointment and my heart will break.
But there's another side to this coin too. I guess this is why it's different thinking about these things in mid-process rather than when it's all over. I have this recurring thought that people at the gym and elsewhere are looking at me and thinking I'm just starting out. Seven months, nay, several years of hard work mean nothing when people make snap judgments of me because of my weight. It saddens me to think that they might believe this is my first time on a treadmill. And I really do know I'm not so far off base when I get the comments and looks following my proud statements about the 5k and 10ks I've done already. REALLY?! It's hard to feel like your work can't really be appreciated, and it leads you back to the "I still have so far to go" thinking that many of us try to avoid like the plague! (and for good reason!)
Part E: Don't Swallow It, Say It
I'm going to be 100% honest about this part. I hate journaling, but I love blogging. Why? That's easy! Audience! We all want to be heard and having the support system that SP provides is a huge boost to that feeling of belonging we often feel we lack in our day to day lives. But does this mean I don't give myself "the credit as being a valid audience?" Well, yes, and no.
I don't want to live in my head. I know what it's like there, and sometimes it's really, really messy. Living there all alone is scary, and that's why I adopt friends to take the journey with me and help me pass the time without worrying about every single random (and they are very random, monkey, monkey underpants) thought that pops into my head and what it means and what I should do with it. But as much as I love my audience in a blog, be it 1 or 100, I write solely for me, with the chance hope that someone, somewhere can derive some sort of inspiration, motivation, or even just kinship through my writing. I can't count the times I've watched a movie and cried at a line just because it struck something in me, or read a book and completely snatched a quote out of context to apply it to my certain situation. These accidental meetings of another's mind with my own is something I think, perhaps, I can share with others by putting myself on the other end of the equation.
EXAMPLE: Just last night I was watching an episode of Parenthood (how can I not? Hello, Lauren Graham!) and this line struck me and made me actually cry: "Life will knock you down more times than you can imagine. Don't knock yourself down." Wow! Big, right?
Something else comes out of my blogging, and I'll likely need a whole other blog post to talk about this fully...it's a delayed thinking. Many times I write to write. I don't plan, I let my brain speak. I'll read this blog throughout the day and in the days to follow several times...and many times it's not until days later that I pick up some hidden sentiment or (usually) fear in what I wrote. I realize something about myself, but it takes days of distancing myself from the emotion and that one specific moment, to read about it and discover it more objectively. So blogging here connects that need for an external audience and sense of belonging with my sense of self-discovery through more objective readings later...if all that makes any sense to anyone.
EXAMPLE: For the past 2 days I haven't felt well, that is true. But it is also true that much of this is mental exhaustion, fear, and struggle from both the ups and downs I've experienced in the last few weeks. It's been a roller coaster of a ride lately, and my body and mind are having a hard time keeping up. It took me over an hour and a half to fall asleep last night...and took me an hour of off and on waking to actually get up this morning. It's not healthy, and it's physically draining.
Still, I know I need to really seek validation from myself. Something I struggle with is the fear that once the weight is off, there is a vast assumption that the journey is over, that the hard part is done and there are no additional struggles ahead. I know that won't be true. I Know It! It's all hard. Losing weight, maintaining, heck, just living life with a sane mind can be hard some times! But I know that the external audience will dwindle in times to come, and when all is said and done, I need to be comfortable getting my validation from myself.
Okay, now everyone repeat after me:
"I appreciate that you want to help me, but I'm not open to feedback about that."
What a great line to battle unsolicited feedback from folks. (I take no credit...that's right from the book! And I know some of my Spark Friends have been struggling with unsolicited advice lately, so I brought you some helpful armor.) Look, people will always think they know what's best for us...they did it when we were fat, why not when we're skinny? Whatevs. You gotta do what's best for you. Period, end of story. But people aren't generally trying to be rude (even though when we get immediately defensive, it may actually feel that way), but think they are really going to help us. They have the best intentions, but remember that road to hell?? Best Intentions, LLC paved that one too!
Part F: Stress Leads to Weight Gain
Increased stress = increased coritsol levels = BAD! (weight gain)
Okay, so we've all heard this, but when you hear of the biological/physical reasons for the actual weight gain that results from high levels of stress, it really makes me want to find trigger releases. It's like a grenade whose pin has been pulled, but whose trigger has not been fully released. If I can find a way to settle myself before I release my anger and stress, and lead myself down a road of binge eating, if I can find, instead, a way to pick up that pin again and replace it to it's original space, all will be well. I don't have answers for how to do that right now. In the past 7 month I have had high levels of success with this, and then, as if the past few months weren't a big enough indicator, increasing struggles with it. It's going to be all about finding those situations that stress me out, figuring out what my usual response is, and then testing alternative activities that can help relieve that stress.
I do know that exercise is a HUGE stress reliever for me. I told Hubs last night that I wish I had a punching bag in the garage so I could go out there whenever we're fighting. Lately, when we argue over stupid things that make no real difference, I will actually change my clothes and go to the gym to work out my aggression. It's a much healthier outlet, but not completely 100% realistic for handling every situation...that's why it's important for me to find other ways to dealing with it. No answers yet, just awareness.
I'll talk about the last two days more when I'm ready...which isn't quite yet. It's been emotional and telling, but I'm feeling much better today and I can't wait (and am simultaneously terrified) to go to the gym tonight.
Till then...I'll miss you, Alot! (*snickers*)
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Starting Weight: 466.6
SP SW: 416.2
Last Week: 342.2
Goal this Week: 340.2
Actual Weight: 339.2
Loss/Gain: -3.0 pounds!
SP Total Loss: 77
Total Loss: 127.4
Bye-Bye 340's! It was nice while it lasted, but now I'm ready to move on to better things and smaller numbers!! :)
First, let me tell you about yesterday. I ate pretty normally in the morning, my regular 1/2 a bagel with cream cheese and some coffee, before taking off for a walk. It was great! The weather was nice, and I wasn't worried about pace or distance, I just walked and watched how far we'd gone on my Nike+ watch. We walked a pretty long ways and I kept commenting to Logan about how difficult this same route used to be for me. It felt great to realize in the moment that I had progressed to this point in my fitness level! Almost 49 minutes later, with 2.28 miles under our belt (me, Logan, and Joey, our dog) and I hopped in the shower to get ready for our trip to Columbus.
The drive was beautiful! What a wonderful day to be out driving! We got to the restaurant about 20 minutes or so early and my aunt arrived about the same time. I got a ton of compliments all night about how well I had done and I felt especially prepared for eating because I had checked the Spaghetti Warehouse menu and nutritionals the night before. I made a plan with my 11 year old, he was to pretend he was 10, order what I wanted from the kids menu, and I'd order what he wanted from the adult menu. I felt like a genius! (Oh, and a tip from me to you, don't assume the healthy thing on the menu is the best for you - their regular 15-layer lasagna is about 750 calories per slice, which their vegetable lasagna is nearly double the calories!! Can you believe it?!)
I had some bread with their amazing garlic butter, a little more than I had planned, but I knew I had calories for it. When our entrees came, I handed over the huge piece of lasagna to Logan and took my small plate of Kids Spaghetti with 2 Meatballs (but only ate one meatball and didn't even finish all my spaghetti! *lol*). I had water and diet coke, switching off all night between the two to make sure I was keeping my water down. (I make myself "earn" my diet coke now! *lol*) When they brought out the beautiful white cake with whipped cream frosting, I took a piece. Two to three bites into it and I was getting a MASSIVE, painful sugar rush headache. I grabbed my head and begged Shane to take the cake away. My body wasn't used to the sugar and was responding rather painfully.
I'll have pictures to share later, once my uncle posts them or sends them to me. I even asked him to take an updated picture of Shane and I because it's been over a year since we've had a good one. He showed me the pictures on the screen and I wasn't depressed over the results! I took a picture with Cathy and Dan (whose anniversary it was), and then with my aunt Cathy and her bridesmaids. (I had to get on my knees in front of them because I'm taller than all of them! *lol* They were commenting on how I had just gotten down and gotten back up and my aunt Cathy talked to me about how she wants to do Zumba. The two of us share both red hair and bad knees, so she saw that I was managing Zumba, and now she wants to try it!) I actually can't wait to see the pictures.
After the party, we headed over to my friend's house. I knew she was with another friend of mine from HS and their plan was to crack open a bottle of our favorite wine. I ended up having about 3 glasses of wine before we left, and my head reminded me why I don't drink very often, but it felt good to sit around and laugh and hang out. I got more compliments from them on my weight loss, so that felt good as well.
All in all, it was a very good day.
Recapping last week:
Sunday - I'm not sure I ever finished logging. We went to Chinese buffet for lunch, so I ate most of my calories there, but I just wasn't hungry much of the rest of the day. I think I may have eaten a piece of bread with some peanut butter later, my own very special treat. *lol* Either way, I was good on my calories and don't believe I went over 2,000. 0 calories burned on my rest day.
Monday - 1628 calories eaten + LOTS of water! 60 minutes of Yoga burned about 318 calories.
Tuesday - 1965 calories consumed. That was great considering that I went ahead and ate a bit of the spaghetti my boss made during our training session that day. A long line dancing session, and 15 minutes pre-class on the elliptical = 901 calories burned.
Wednesday - 2139 calories consumed. YUMMY Potato Soup day! 14 minutes on the elliptical to start, and a 45 minute painful, agonizing pilates class = 534 calories burned for the day, and tons of muscles worked that I rarely work, apparently, I was sore for DAYS!
Thursday - 1763 calories consumed. AWESOME considering Hubs wanted Ponderosa buffet for dinner. I just wasn't that hungry, which is a great way to watch calories at a buffet! *lol* I got stuck cleaning at the house in order to move in a new couch, that heavy cleaning, plus a quick round with JM's 30DS and I burned 749 calories for the day.
Friday - 1830 calories for the day. Another accomplishment considering I had no clue what I wanted for lunch and was able to make a great choice! 0 calories burned on this very much needed rest day. LOTS and LOTS of water again - had to repair those muscles!
Saturday - 2113 calories consumed. I'm a rockstar! And our 2.28 mile burned about 324 calories.
Total calories burned: 2826 of 2270 goal!
All that for me, plus constantly reminding myself to DRINK DRINK DRINK of the water = a great 3 pound loss and a time to say hello to the 330s!!
My goals for next week:
Weight goal: 337.2
* 1900-2250 calories per day, but it's okay to be a little under, as long as I'm in the 1600-1800 range.
* Less sodium, which means eating more at home and prepping my food before work each day.
* Up those fruits and veggies! I'm just not getting enough and I want more! *lol*
* And drink drink drink at least 10 glasses of water a day!
Fitness Goal: Burn 2270 calories for the week.
Sunday - Active Rest day. Might get a little cleaning done around here.
Monday -No yoga, so it's back to the elliptical or treadmill for me. And ST!
Tuesday - Zumba (our instructor SHOULD be back!)
Wednesday - Pilates again. (Going to try stretching a little more before class.) This is ST!
Thursday - Zumba
Friday - Choice day: elliptical, rowing, boxing, SIBCCT, or whatever, and ST!
Saturday - 3 to 4 miles LDW
That's the plan, but plans can change, as long as the alternative burns similar or more calories! ;)
Oh, and did I mention - it said 339! It said 339!! My goal was to get under 330 by Christmas so I can get a Wii Fit board. If I lose 2 pounds a week from now until then, I should be there the week before! Either way, I see my goal and I see me reaching it, and that feels SO good.
On a side note - my friend approached me today about doing a Warrior Dash in Ohio next June. The idea is both exciting and scary! It's only 2.91 miles or something, but the things they want you to do...they actually scare me. Barbed wire to crawl under, cars to climb over, my hypochondriac self is barreling through all the illnesses and injuries I could get from one day's race...and yet, part of me wants to actually do it. We'll see. No need to decide until May...just something to think about...
FYI - I also posted some updated progress pictures yesterday and I feel happy about them. Finally!! Still a long ways to go, but I'm seeing it, I'm SEEING the progress!
Friday, November 12, 2010
Today was a good day.
I spent the morning with my coffee, 1/2 a wheat bagel, and Spark. I was super nervous about my upcoming interview at 1:30pm, but my Sparkie friends gave me the encouragement I needed. I painted my toenails and fingernails, I showered and shaved, I pulled out my favorite new size 26 black pants, my pretty blue/green 18/20 tank, and my size 26 dark gray blazer. Before I got dressed, I slathered myself in some lotion, something I very rarely do, but felt so good. By noon I was out the door and ready to head to Charleston for my interview.
I pep talked myself on the way there. I told myself not to think about what could be and what might be. I went through all the regular interview questions in my head. And then I got to Charleston and had a freak out moment. I had to find a place to pee. I had to find a place to park. I had to pull myself together. I did (and got a parking ticket *lol*) and headed in. A little stress when I forgot who I was to be interviewing with was solved with a phone call upstairs to the woman who had set up the interview and before I knew it I was upstairs waiting for my interview.
I walked into a room with 3 women and one man, all dressed rather nicely, which led me to believe (and rightly so) that they were the higher ups, the executives. Question after question I found my grove. I got some smiles and head nods along the way. I even got a "you've got a lot of qualifications" or something of the sort, which felt good. They asked me why I was best for the job and I told them. They asked me why I wanted the job, and I told them. We were jovial at times, serious at others. It felt good, I felt like I was in my element and really showing how confident I was in myself and my abilities. And my favorite part came at the end. "What question didn't we ask that you think we should have?" I thought for a moment and then said, "When can I start?" Got a few good chuckles and belly laughs from the whole group and even a "Oh, that was great!" They wrote it down, shook my hand and one told me several times what a pleasure it was to have met me. I thanked them for their time and was on my way.
After collecting my parking ticket, I checked my phone and got a voice mail for another place I had applied to. Called, left a message, and later got a call back with an interview set up for next Friday. On a roll baby! Next, I knew I needed food. I was hungry before I even got there, but I couldn't eat with all the anticipation. So I headed up to CATO and figured I'd find something on the way. Next door to CATO I found a great little new shop, Creperie Cafe, which I was nervous about before because crepes, to me, have always been desert. But I saw the sign and it said Gyros and I was headed in! A chicken gyro later I felt much better and my friend and I headed next door to shop.
It feels so great to be able to go into the clothing store and know that the majority of things WILL fit me. I found a beautiful new top and some new earrings for my aunt's surprise anniversary dinner tomorrow. I had a great time shopping and chatting with my friend. I felt good about myself. I felt good about life. I had broken through. Nothing was perfect. Nothing was solved, but I felt more powerful and in control again. It felt wonderful. Even the rejection letter in the mailbox from another place I had applied to didn't bring me down.
As far as my health and nutrition is concerned? On auto-pilot again, and I *love* knowing that I can do that and be good. It's not quite the struggle it used to be anymore. I didn't have any inclination to get fried chicken or a hamburger from the million fast food joints around CATO. I wanted something a little healthier that, and a chicken gyro wasn't a horrible choice. And it was great! I haven't had one in 9 years! *LOVE* I got home and had my grilled chicken and a baked potato. I didn't work out today, which was my one hope for the day. Usually I can't hold back, but I knew I needed the rest today. Tomorrow I need to try to squeeze something in before we leave for Columbus. The plan is a LDW of 3-4 miles, so I'm charging my Nike+ watch thingy so I can track as I go and ...just go!
Today was a good day. I'm hoping for another one tomorrow. Have a happy, healthy, and safe weekend everyone!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
I nearly chickened out again this week. You see, I had really no clue what to expect from pilates. At one time I thought of pilates as yoga with pulleys and ropes, but it seems to have moved on from that. The guy at the gym told my son, Logan, that it was "Yoga on steroids." which seriously cracked me up at the time. But still, because I had no clue what to expect, I was, I admit it, SCARED.
Can a fat girl even DO pilates?
Can *I* do it?
Will it hurt my knee? What about my back...it was killing me and I didn't know whether pilates would help or hurt.
At 6:40pm or so I announced to my family that I would not be going to the gym. I didn't care. I was chickening out. Done. And then as Hubs and I started arguing over stupid, petty things, I went back to my bedroom and changed into my workout clothes and left. The gym is my release. It's my me time. It's just me, and my goals, and whatever challenge I want to take on. And, usually, I walk out of there feeling much better about myself. I needed the mood lift, and I needed time away from Hubs, who was frustrating the heck out of me. So I went.
I started my night on the elliptical right next to the skinniest, prettiest chick I may have ever seen. Seriously, if I knew some voodoo magic way to swap our bodies right then and there, it would have been D-O-N-E. *lol* After a few minutes of just going, I pushed harder, and the thought, "Let's show this skinny biatch what I've got so she can't doubt me anymore!" came into my head. And then this really funny thing happened....I apologized to her in my head. I apologized for making assumptions. I don't know her situation. Maybe she worked really hard to lose those 60 pounds she was struggling with, maybe she used to do unhealthy things to increase her body image, maybe a lot of things...I didn't know chocolate from poo about her situation and I had no right to judge. That was the first time I mentally corrected myself in my me vs. the skinny chicks mentality.
And then pilates started.
I wanted to cry. Not just once, but the entire time. The first few moves of "warm-up" felt a lot like yoga, and then the similarities took a left turn and headed into the woods. We did leg exercises...lifts and making circles in the air, small ones first, then big ones...and it all hurt, and my legs and feet cramped up, and a couple times I had to stop, but I tried to Jillian myself through it. It hurt. My legs were cramped almost the entire time. Downward dog near the end HURT because of the cramping. After those leg circles, I couldn't do a proper leg/hip stretch at the end because it all just HURT...a lot. The only parts I enjoyed (kinda) were the rolling back to the shoulders and back up part, which I did twice, and yes, it friggin' hurt, but it was still fun, and the leg twist stretch part. I have no clue the name of the pose, so forgive me. we do it in yoga. We did it in pilates to stretch out again. You're seated, one leg out, the other leg, foot on the floor, crossed over the down leg, and you twist your body. The instructor said, "If you don't feel this in your hip, you must be in great shape!" I didn't feel it in my hip...I felt it in my back. WTF does that mean? *lol*
What's the verdict then on pilates? TBD. You see, I got those cramps the entire time, and I tried to work through them as much as I could, and I wanted to cry the entire time, but when we were done, after the final stretches and everything - no more cramping. Something had worked to work out those muscles. Plus, I don't believe in judging something after only one experience. I'm a girl scout, dangit. We had to take 3 bites of something before we were allowed to say we didn't like it. So I'll do pilates again, and then I'll judge. Maybe I'll get better at it, like I did with yoga. Maybe I need to do some extra stretches before she even starts us off. *shrug* But one time isn't enough. I don't go down that easily.
After our 45 minute session (thank anyone listening that she didn't go a full hour! OMG! *lol*) I got up and put my things away, and I kept having this feeling like my body was going to crumble into a heap on the floor that very second. It took everything in me to go to the locker room, pick up my things, put on my coat, and get to the car. And then I almost cried the entire way home. I'm not sure if it was the pain, the disappointment of not being able to do it, or if there was some emotional chord struck within me, but I had to fight back tears the entire way home. All I could say over and over was, "pilates is MEAN!"
For today? I got up early to go to yoga this morning...but I couldn't do it. It wasn't the yoga that was the problem, it's the time! 8 am for a class is just REALLY early, especially on my day off! *sigh* At least I actually got up and made that decision, instead of just snoozing through it. My right calf is wanting to cramp up on me right now, I can feel it. And I gained a pound from pilates, which means I know it really worked my muscles and they're repairing. At least I have the day off and I have my choice of what I can do today.
- Line Dancing 6pm
- Zumba 7pm
Or I can go on my own time and either walk on the treadmill, or around the track, or play racquetball, or box, or do the elliptical, or row, or whatever I want!
One thing that has suffered this week is ST. It's all the yoga and pilates - my muscles feel so sore already that there just isn't enough in me to get in all the ST. I'm trying to keep it basic right now, and letting myself off the hook if I don't hit every single check mark on my list. Maybe I'll feel like it later...maybe not. *shrug* I miss my leg press, but I can't imagine trying to do that right now with my legs still so sore from yesterday. Honestly, I may just count pilates as my ST for yesterday and I don't think that's far at all from the truth. Bridges and "modified" planks and leg raises and heel raises and all that? Sounds like ST to me!
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