Friday, November 12, 2010
Today was a good day.
I spent the morning with my coffee, 1/2 a wheat bagel, and Spark. I was super nervous about my upcoming interview at 1:30pm, but my Sparkie friends gave me the encouragement I needed. I painted my toenails and fingernails, I showered and shaved, I pulled out my favorite new size 26 black pants, my pretty blue/green 18/20 tank, and my size 26 dark gray blazer. Before I got dressed, I slathered myself in some lotion, something I very rarely do, but felt so good. By noon I was out the door and ready to head to Charleston for my interview.
I pep talked myself on the way there. I told myself not to think about what could be and what might be. I went through all the regular interview questions in my head. And then I got to Charleston and had a freak out moment. I had to find a place to pee. I had to find a place to park. I had to pull myself together. I did (and got a parking ticket *lol*) and headed in. A little stress when I forgot who I was to be interviewing with was solved with a phone call upstairs to the woman who had set up the interview and before I knew it I was upstairs waiting for my interview.
I walked into a room with 3 women and one man, all dressed rather nicely, which led me to believe (and rightly so) that they were the higher ups, the executives. Question after question I found my grove. I got some smiles and head nods along the way. I even got a "you've got a lot of qualifications" or something of the sort, which felt good. They asked me why I was best for the job and I told them. They asked me why I wanted the job, and I told them. We were jovial at times, serious at others. It felt good, I felt like I was in my element and really showing how confident I was in myself and my abilities. And my favorite part came at the end. "What question didn't we ask that you think we should have?" I thought for a moment and then said, "When can I start?" Got a few good chuckles and belly laughs from the whole group and even a "Oh, that was great!" They wrote it down, shook my hand and one told me several times what a pleasure it was to have met me. I thanked them for their time and was on my way.
After collecting my parking ticket, I checked my phone and got a voice mail for another place I had applied to. Called, left a message, and later got a call back with an interview set up for next Friday. On a roll baby! Next, I knew I needed food. I was hungry before I even got there, but I couldn't eat with all the anticipation. So I headed up to CATO and figured I'd find something on the way. Next door to CATO I found a great little new shop, Creperie Cafe, which I was nervous about before because crepes, to me, have always been desert. But I saw the sign and it said Gyros and I was headed in! A chicken gyro later I felt much better and my friend and I headed next door to shop.
It feels so great to be able to go into the clothing store and know that the majority of things WILL fit me. I found a beautiful new top and some new earrings for my aunt's surprise anniversary dinner tomorrow. I had a great time shopping and chatting with my friend. I felt good about myself. I felt good about life. I had broken through. Nothing was perfect. Nothing was solved, but I felt more powerful and in control again. It felt wonderful. Even the rejection letter in the mailbox from another place I had applied to didn't bring me down.
As far as my health and nutrition is concerned? On auto-pilot again, and I *love* knowing that I can do that and be good. It's not quite the struggle it used to be anymore. I didn't have any inclination to get fried chicken or a hamburger from the million fast food joints around CATO. I wanted something a little healthier that, and a chicken gyro wasn't a horrible choice. And it was great! I haven't had one in 9 years! *LOVE* I got home and had my grilled chicken and a baked potato. I didn't work out today, which was my one hope for the day. Usually I can't hold back, but I knew I needed the rest today. Tomorrow I need to try to squeeze something in before we leave for Columbus. The plan is a LDW of 3-4 miles, so I'm charging my Nike+ watch thingy so I can track as I go and ...just go!
Today was a good day. I'm hoping for another one tomorrow. Have a happy, healthy, and safe weekend everyone!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
I nearly chickened out again this week. You see, I had really no clue what to expect from pilates. At one time I thought of pilates as yoga with pulleys and ropes, but it seems to have moved on from that. The guy at the gym told my son, Logan, that it was "Yoga on steroids." which seriously cracked me up at the time. But still, because I had no clue what to expect, I was, I admit it, SCARED.
Can a fat girl even DO pilates?
Can *I* do it?
Will it hurt my knee? What about my back...it was killing me and I didn't know whether pilates would help or hurt.
At 6:40pm or so I announced to my family that I would not be going to the gym. I didn't care. I was chickening out. Done. And then as Hubs and I started arguing over stupid, petty things, I went back to my bedroom and changed into my workout clothes and left. The gym is my release. It's my me time. It's just me, and my goals, and whatever challenge I want to take on. And, usually, I walk out of there feeling much better about myself. I needed the mood lift, and I needed time away from Hubs, who was frustrating the heck out of me. So I went.
I started my night on the elliptical right next to the skinniest, prettiest chick I may have ever seen. Seriously, if I knew some voodoo magic way to swap our bodies right then and there, it would have been D-O-N-E. *lol* After a few minutes of just going, I pushed harder, and the thought, "Let's show this skinny biatch what I've got so she can't doubt me anymore!" came into my head. And then this really funny thing happened....I apologized to her in my head. I apologized for making assumptions. I don't know her situation. Maybe she worked really hard to lose those 60 pounds she was struggling with, maybe she used to do unhealthy things to increase her body image, maybe a lot of things...I didn't know chocolate from poo about her situation and I had no right to judge. That was the first time I mentally corrected myself in my me vs. the skinny chicks mentality.
And then pilates started.
I wanted to cry. Not just once, but the entire time. The first few moves of "warm-up" felt a lot like yoga, and then the similarities took a left turn and headed into the woods. We did leg exercises...lifts and making circles in the air, small ones first, then big ones...and it all hurt, and my legs and feet cramped up, and a couple times I had to stop, but I tried to Jillian myself through it. It hurt. My legs were cramped almost the entire time. Downward dog near the end HURT because of the cramping. After those leg circles, I couldn't do a proper leg/hip stretch at the end because it all just HURT...a lot. The only parts I enjoyed (kinda) were the rolling back to the shoulders and back up part, which I did twice, and yes, it friggin' hurt, but it was still fun, and the leg twist stretch part. I have no clue the name of the pose, so forgive me. we do it in yoga. We did it in pilates to stretch out again. You're seated, one leg out, the other leg, foot on the floor, crossed over the down leg, and you twist your body. The instructor said, "If you don't feel this in your hip, you must be in great shape!" I didn't feel it in my hip...I felt it in my back. WTF does that mean? *lol*
What's the verdict then on pilates? TBD. You see, I got those cramps the entire time, and I tried to work through them as much as I could, and I wanted to cry the entire time, but when we were done, after the final stretches and everything - no more cramping. Something had worked to work out those muscles. Plus, I don't believe in judging something after only one experience. I'm a girl scout, dangit. We had to take 3 bites of something before we were allowed to say we didn't like it. So I'll do pilates again, and then I'll judge. Maybe I'll get better at it, like I did with yoga. Maybe I need to do some extra stretches before she even starts us off. *shrug* But one time isn't enough. I don't go down that easily.
After our 45 minute session (thank anyone listening that she didn't go a full hour! OMG! *lol*) I got up and put my things away, and I kept having this feeling like my body was going to crumble into a heap on the floor that very second. It took everything in me to go to the locker room, pick up my things, put on my coat, and get to the car. And then I almost cried the entire way home. I'm not sure if it was the pain, the disappointment of not being able to do it, or if there was some emotional chord struck within me, but I had to fight back tears the entire way home. All I could say over and over was, "pilates is MEAN!"
For today? I got up early to go to yoga this morning...but I couldn't do it. It wasn't the yoga that was the problem, it's the time! 8 am for a class is just REALLY early, especially on my day off! *sigh* At least I actually got up and made that decision, instead of just snoozing through it. My right calf is wanting to cramp up on me right now, I can feel it. And I gained a pound from pilates, which means I know it really worked my muscles and they're repairing. At least I have the day off and I have my choice of what I can do today.
- Line Dancing 6pm
- Zumba 7pm
Or I can go on my own time and either walk on the treadmill, or around the track, or play racquetball, or box, or do the elliptical, or row, or whatever I want!
One thing that has suffered this week is ST. It's all the yoga and pilates - my muscles feel so sore already that there just isn't enough in me to get in all the ST. I'm trying to keep it basic right now, and letting myself off the hook if I don't hit every single check mark on my list. Maybe I'll feel like it later...maybe not. *shrug* I miss my leg press, but I can't imagine trying to do that right now with my legs still so sore from yesterday. Honestly, I may just count pilates as my ST for yesterday and I don't think that's far at all from the truth. Bridges and "modified" planks and leg raises and heel raises and all that? Sounds like ST to me!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
I hate self-help books. The only thing I hate more than general self-help books, though, are diet and weight loss books. Let's face it, most of them say pretty much the same thing. And many of them include some diet that, if followed, will allow you to lose all your weight and make you the happy, healthy person you always wanted to be. It all seems so easy...too easy, because, seriously, who can follow the strict meal plans of most diet books? I've been given several books in the past. The Sonoma Diet book is sitting somewhere in my house. I never read it. I skimmed it, but half the things they wanted me to eat I simply don't like. And, I don't know about the rest of you, but eating things I don't like for the rest of my life seems like a pretty lousy way to live, therefore, for me at least, it's not sustainable.
The other day I was walking through Odd Lots. We were there to pick up trash bags, but I happened upon a bin of books, originally priced at $3 and marked down to 50 cents each. For someone who loves reading and loves absorbing all kinds of books, 50 cents was just too good a deal to pass up. I started digging. Along with an impulse fiction buy and 2 Artemis Fowl books to read with Ethan, I picked up a book written by Stacey Halprin called Winning After Losing. Whatever, it's only 50 cents. No skin off my back if it's the same regurgitated crap that every other self-help weight loss book on the market touts. The picture on the back was certainly interesting. There are actually two, one of Ms. Halprin near her highest weight of 500 pounds, and one holding old underpants (which she jokes, aren't a flag) next to her new skinner, but not "perfect" body. I know I recognize her from some television show or another, so I figure with the work she put in to lose the weight and the fact that she isn't "perfect," she deserves me giving her a chance and hearing her out.
I knew things were different from the get-go. Upfront she tells you that this book won't focus on diet and exercise. This book is geared more toward the maintaining phase, toward the emotional battles and experiences that come from being more "exposed" after shedding layers of protective fat. "I decided to write this book because even though there are hundreds of books that tell people how to lse weight, I couldn't find a single one that explained how to keep the weight off." she says in her introduction. She sets up her book as a step-by-step guide to examining your feelings and emotions, the things that caused you to put the weight on in the beginning, the fears you have once you've hit goal, and the struggles that come with the maintaining phase.
First of all - no, I am not in maintenance mode. I still weigh over 340 pounds and have a LONG way to go, but why wait until the end to dig through the emotional nonsense? My diet and exercise are pretty well figured out. I can run on autopilot right now and still lose weight at this moment, so why not spend this time wisely, by working on the mental battle. I figure that, perhaps, and hopefully, I'll be setting myself up for success by dealing with it as I go. I refuse to yo-yo again. Plus, when I REALLY started this journey I was 466 pounds. I've lost nearly 125 pounds so far, and I kept most of it off for several years, going into maintenance mode for a while in order to focus on other things - like learning to love myself and giving myself permission to go after my goals/dreams. I'm hoping these exercises will also bring me back from my funk. (Today is worse than yesterday, but better than the day before. My back has a knot in it, which has given me a huge headache that nearly took me back to bed this morning. I'm simply counting down the minutes until I can go home again. At least I have a four day weekend ahead of me!)
Halprin suggests writing down these exercises in a journal. Well...this is my journal, so I suppose I'm going to be completely honest and raw and share the mental nonsense with all of you. Heck, you might want to raid your local Odd Lots bin (or search online) for a copy of the book and follow along with completing these exercises.
Step One: Celebrate Your Success
Say Hello to the New You
* Part A: The Old You and the New You
List the things you're most proud of, things you couldn't do before that you can do now.
I'm most proud that I feel more like a person living than a person dying. At 466 pounds, I awoke with a sense of not wanting to look at the world around me. I felt like a failure. I felt like my life was over. I was in my early 20's and I was preparing myself and those around me for my death. I broke off friendships and retreated into myself. I wouldn't give any more of myself to anyone because I was too busy being wrapped up in the process of killing myself. Now I wake up each morning with the desire and will to live. Things aren't all the way I want them to be and, yes, some morning I simply want to go back to bed. But it's not because I don't want to live, it's because I've not yet gotten into a job that makes me feel fulfilled. I want to live, I yearn for it. Even those days when I'm off I wake up pretty early in the morning to start my day. I can't wait to get outside or get to the gym. I can't wait to spend time with my family. I can't wait to be active and feel my legs move under me! I want to go, see, do, experience -- I want to LIVE! For me, that's the most exciting change of all. Sure, I love that I can walk without getting out of breath. I love that I can go hiking and play tennis without feeling like I'm about to die of exhaustion. I love that I can wear smaller clothes and that I look better in clothes. I love that I can cross my legs again if I sit just right. I love that I can actually "curl up" on the couch because my stomach is smaller. But the most exciting thing of all is the transition within of waiting to die to wanting to live!
* Part B: Acknowledge Your Support Team
Make a list of everyone, from your partner, to your friends, kids, coworkers, neighbors, relatives, and pets, who has played a part in your success.
- Shane. My husband is a quirky man. We fight from time to time. Sometimes they are brutal, evil fights and we say the most severe and mean things to each other. There were even times when our fights got physical (man, that feels so long ago!). But the truth is, we literally grew up together. We met when I was 12 or 13 years old and we've been together, for the most part, on and off, ever since. We've learned our triggers and, sometimes, I think we know the other person better than we know ourselves. More than the love of my life, he really is my best friend. He's been with me through my parents' divorce, through the times when my abusive father crippled my self-esteem, through my depression, through the birth of two children, through the times when I felt like the biggest failure, through the times when I didn't stand up for myself, through me being practically bed/house-ridden and 466 pounds - and he's been with me when I demanded respect, when I felt like I deserved the world from him, when I felt like I needed more out of life, when I got a little selfish and found my happiness, when I felt stressed and overwhelmed, when I felt the world of possibilities before me, and when I started taking care of myself. He has loved me through it all. Who could ask anything more from a mate?
- Logan - When I was 17 years old, my life changed forever. I was a pregnant teenager, and the disappointment of a large extended family. Many times I considered giving up, because the look of disappointment on the faces of people I admired so much broke my will and my spirit. But I didn't know how to abandon a child...that wasn't in me. At 18 I had Logan. For a long time he felt more like a little brother than my own child. (I had always wanted a little brother growing up.) I called him my Bubby and suddenly, life was tougher than I could have ever imagined. He was difficult at times, but he made life bearable because in him there was hope. I clung to him, and, at times, I still do. Now he's 11 years old and he goes to the gym with me sometimes (last night we did line dancing together!). He's not the most driven or coordinated, and once he gets bored of something he's done with it...and while, at times, that drives me crazy as I attempt to complete the goals I set for myself, mostly he reminds me that it shouldn't be all work, that it CAN be fun, and that we can make it that way. He's still my rock. I adore him.
- Ethan - My mini-me is the sweetest and most temperamental child I've met since, well, since me. *lol* Our resemblance goes far beyond looks and into the heart of who he is, into his personality. He's extremely loyal and attached. He wants nothing more than to make those people he cares about, and sometimes even complete strangers, happy. He wants of acceptance, recognition and success. He wants to be notice, but he doesn't want to be the center of all attention because the burden of living up to that expectation is too much to carry. He loves me deeply, and I never, ever, ever have to doubt that for a second.
- Mom - She was my shelter in the bad times, my light in the darkness, my protector and comforter. If it were not for my mother, I promise you that I would not be here right now. She held my father back from the edge of killing me. She pulled me back from the edge of killing myself. When the world was falling apart around me, she was there, doing what little she could, which was just enough to save my life. My mother is not superwoman, but I do hope she realizes that not only did she will me into this world, deliver my infant body, and shelter me from the elements around me, she saved my heart from dying, she saved me from complete, irreversible damage to my self-esteem. There aren't words enough to thank her for what she has done, and continues to do for me. When I first started this journey, I made a comment to her about how I chose to eat a salad one night because I was trying to be a good girl, and it was my mother, my angel who said simply, "You are always a good girl, whether you eat good things or not." It was important to hear so early, and has saved me a from a tremendous amount of guilt in those times when the temptation monster wins out and I give in.
I'm going to continue to add to this list as I continue this journey, because I know that I will never be able to complete it in one sitting. In fact, you Sparkies are going to need a section all your own!! *lol*
One last section, just because it goes so well with the others. (Sorry this is so long!)
* Part C: Before and After
-- The Old Me --
I used to see myself as: a failure.
Most of all I wanted to be: thin and happy.
More than anything, I wanted to be able to: breathe without hurting.
Every day I hoped: I would find and be loved.
If I had one wish it would have been: to be thin. (I thought it was the answer to everything!)
My favorite dream for my future: was to be thin, rich, and the happiest person alive.
-- The New Me --
Now I see myself as: a work in progress.
Most of all I want to be: proud of myself.
More than anything, I want to be able to: live without fear or restriction.
Today I hope: that those around me can share in the light of every day.
Now I wish: that I could spread the joy I've found to others suffering and in need.
My favorite dream for my future is: being content within myself and sure of my abilities. (It's funny, I no longer care about being rich, I just want to be comfortable.)
Ah...now time to let that digest a bit.
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
I've spent most of the morning and afternoon in training yet again. (And then got asked some rather rediculous and stupid questions from our intern. *sigh*) Anyhow, just a quick note to update you all on yesterday/my mood/etc.
After I wrote my blog, I stopped complaning and sent out 4 resumes via email and wrote down several others to send out in the mail later (hopefully today, if I have stamps on me). I've lowered my standards so much because I just need more money. Things are a little stressful at work right now because our Governor is becoming a Senator and our boss, basically, will be someone completely different. Now, this doesn't put my job in any danger directly, but my more immediate boss is making strides toward leaving and that's putting a little more strain on my heart. Through all the crap here, everything I've been through these past 4 years, I've stayed, in large part, because of her. Her grace, eloquence and just general self has kept me here against my better judgements. *lol* I adore her and will miss her so entirely!!
I had my second yoga class last night. I was looking forward to it as something else that would possibly lift the funk I've been feeling. Turns out it wasn't a magic cure either, but at least I felt my same limber self after. Yoga was difficult and challenging last night. She led us through some of the regular warm ups and then went on to put us straight on our backs. What did that mean? Oh, just some bridge ups (OW!) and reverse planks (OW! OW! OW!). My right elbow still hurts from attempting to do a reverse plank with my hands facing the wall behind my head. I hurried to modify the turn of my hands because I knew the pressure was too much and placed my fingers facing out toward the sides instead, so that was a little better. Still...OW! I had to cut my planks a little short, but I held on through most of them, which is amazing considering I've never before attempted a reverse plank before. (Seriously! OW!! *lol*)
After I left the gym I had to get the grocery shopping done. I had opted out of shopping on Sunday because I just didn't feel in the mood for it. I couldn't bring myself to do much of anything Sunday, actually. I had written up a shopping list at work and planned out what I would buy, and stuck mostly to the plan. And then I swung by Taco Bell for a Chalupa, that tasted like poo because it was an old, stale shell, and went home. At home I put groceries away and ate a small portion of the Tuna Helper my husband made. And then I proceeded to curl up on the couch and watch TV. By the time I went to bed I was feeling a smidge better.
I'm about to put a call into Hubs to see if he got my email about putting in the ingredients for Potato Soup for dinner. If not, I'll have to make a more detailed dinner tonight, which might not do much to increase my mood. I'm better, I swear. Not totally there, but faking it well enough. I vowed on the drive here to just say thank you to everyone and everything in my mind.
Thank you school buses for stopping to let us by.
Thank you Hubs for flipping that switch yesterday morning. I have heat!
Thank you car for warming up so quickly!
Thank you son for scraping my car windows, and other son for starting my car for me.
Thank you guy in front of me for not slamming on your brakes.
Thank you Tuesday for not being Monday.
And thank you all for being wonderfully understanding, supportive and encouraging. I know that there are others out there feeling sadness, that downward pull, that "what's it all about" and "what's the point?" is drawing in. Be it S.A.D. or simply a feeling that hits us within, I am sorry as well for your suffering. I hope that we both pull out of it very soon, because I know we will pull out eventually. I'm trying. Really, really trying. And until I make it, until something happens, I'll just keep going...because I have to.
Did have some of my boss' spaghetti with meat sauce today for lunch. It was our break from training and smelled so good, and just eating a little of that sounded much better than waiting for later or dragging in my own food in front of everyone. Still good on calories. Controlled my portion sizes. Feel alright about it. I'll just watch myself tonight. I hope there's potato soup in my future!
Monday, November 08, 2010
Okay, I wasn't going to blog today because, well, I'm just not feeling up to being happy. So, warning, this is not one of those happy, encouraging, positive blogs. It's a heads up...for you, for me.
I'm more sad and depressed and irritated than I have been in about 7-8 years. The last time I felt this way, I was likely suffering from PPD following the birth of my youngest son.
Saturday night was supposed to be great. I told myself not to have any expectations. I fully intended to simply enjoy the time alone with my husband. I thought it was just what I needed. It wasn't. It failed. I failed.
Dinner started with two boys across from me taking one look up and down me, and then hiding their mouths behind their menus and talking about me...in front of me. I tried to let it go.
The guy next to me and his girlfriend were already quite drunk. (It was a long wait...I got through that part just FINE!) He starts hitting me on the arm (I bruise easily there) and talking about how much he loves Paula Dean and how he loves cooking with butter and how he hates healthy St. He tells me he's the former sheriff of the most joked-about podunk county in WV and he orders another beer, and another, and another...and he keeps getting louder...and every time I turn to talk to Hubs, he interrupts me and wants to know everything about me and wants to tell me his life story. He tells me he owns cabins and rents them out, and tells me we should come stay in one. I'm getting scared of him! His girlfriend or wife (I doubt the latter, she looked easily 15 years his junior and I didn't see any rings) proceeds to tell me about how little money she made working for the state (I know, I JUST told you I work for the state, dumbbutt!) and then tells me that she's moved on somewhere else and makes 46k a year. (Yes, she actually told me her annual salary.) The bill for the two hoodlums and their friend and the two kids chatting about me across the table? 195 bucks. And they fight over who is going to pay for it and start throwing around hundreds and fiftys like they haven't a care in the world...and then the former sheriff asks for beer in to-go cups for his hot honey and him. *sigh* I'm about to lose it. I joke about it in the parking lot and told Hubs that I wanted to punch him in the neck.
Hubs mentions a headlight is out and then immediately says, "Where's an Advance?" My heart sank. THIS is how he wants to spend our evening alone together? Fixing the car? Why can't it just wait? Everyone knows that any cop who pulls you over for a broken lamp is likely to simply run your plates and then give you a warning and send you on your way. No big deal. We can deal with it tomorrow. But there was an hour or more before the movie, and a Wal-Mart next door, which Hubs assured me had the part we needed...so off we went. We spent the good part of 20 minutes in a long line for ONE light bulb. When we got outside, Hubs couldn't wait.,. the hood was popped immediately and he got to work putting in the bulb. "It's simple! I've done it in the dark before." And then it all fell apart. The bulb fell in the casing and we didn't have the proper tools to get it out...and as I'm shoving my hand into the hole, trying to grip the stupid thing between the only two fingers that will fit in there, my blood pressure and my temper just kept going up and up and up. I'd had it. The night was ruined. Instead of just having a relaxing evening out, again I'm called to jump in and figure something out, fix something, make something work.
We give up. We drive back to the movies. Still 45 minutes until our movie starts. I want to try again. For some reason, something in me won't let it go...I've been like this a lot lately. I can't leave things unfinished or undone or unfixed. It grates at me, it's all I think about, and my head actually, physically hurts because of it. I want it fixed. I want to know *I* fixed it. I want it done NOW. I want to know I can control the situation and move on. Thirty minutes in the parking lot, grease on my hand, my hand actually hurting from shoving it into this small hole, and gobs and gobs of people driving by...not one of them stop to ask if we need help. In our town, it would've taken 2 seconds for someone to stop. I once had the bumper of my car catch on fire in my driveway and 5 people just passing by for work that day or wherever helped me put it out. By the time the fire department showed up, it was all taken care of. I railed the city and it's inconsiderate people. I railed at my Husband for causing all this mess. And then I slammed the hood down and the door shut and we went to see the movie.
I hated everyone for the rest of the night. Everything got on my nerves times 120. The guy that made fun of an overweight woman in line for ordering candy, a large Coke and a large ICEE...he nearly got a verbal lashing from me about not judging people without knowing them or their situation. The girl who kept kicking my husband's seat through the movie, kept talking through the movie with the person next to her, said, "Good movie" before the movie was even OVER, and then proceeded to nearly kick my husband in the head when she jumped over the seat to run to the bathroom. (They came in late to the movie and CHOSE the seat in the corner...stupid!) And her again when I heard her joking about it in the bathroom.
I got home and I hated my husband for not talking to me enough, and for not even wanting to come to bed with me. I hated the cold for...making me cold. I hated the furnace for not lighting fast enough. I hated everything and everyone. So I just went to bed, and I slept HARD.
Yesterday I got angry again, though I tried not to. Hubs woke up and the first words out of his mouth were, "Did you get the bulb out?" GRRR! I had forgotten all about our little problem. I went back outside, worked for about 30 more minutes, got frustrated, slammed more doors, hurt my hand more, got dirty again, and got really, really, really lightheaded. We gave up and drove to get the boys. And I warned Hubs about how depressed I'd been feeling...and he asked if I wanted to talk about it...so I did. And he said nothing. He didn't address or even acknowledge that I had spoken. The only words he spoke were, "Can you stop at Advance?" and "Look! I got toys!" (another trigger...I have no money now to buy anything unnecessary). He said nothing about any of it all day.
I'm trying not to blame him. I know how he's feeling and why he's acting the way he is. He feels like crap because he knows it was his fault about the bulb. And he knows that if he would've just listened to me, it wouldn't have happened. And he thinks he's the reason for my pain and frustration right now. It's also his fault that it took me 45 minutes to get my window to defrost this morning because he switched a switch under my hood to have the heater blow out COLD air instead of WARM onto my windshield. He was woken up again by a frustrated, crying Esther who was literally out of her mind trying to figure out how she could do everything right, yet again, and still have so much go wrong.
So, that's how I've been feeling lately. It's a mess. My head is a mess. And, yes, I mostly know what's happening. Stagnation. I don't do well when there isn't any forward progress happening. I even vocalized this to Hubs yesterday when I said, "This weight loss thing is the ONLY THING I can control and see progress in right now, but it's not enough any more."
We need money.
I need a new job.
We need a house.
We need better cars.
We're in the process of getting by, and I can do that for a good long time, but there comes a point where I just crack. I've heard people ask me, "How do you keep going?" or say to me, "You are amazing! You just keep going! I don't think I could do that!" I heard it when I was working full-time and going to school full-time and working part-time at the paper and juggling it all. I hear it now with the weight loss. I'm sick of hearing it. I keep going because I have no other option...because I keep thinking that maybe, someday, eventually, hopefully, I'll stumble upon a step that actually leads me somewhere. I keep going - I keep working because my family needs money. I don't quit my job because I can't find another one. I'm searching for jobs everywhere. I put the resumes out there, I put myself out there, I go to the interviews with a smile and confidence - and then nothing. I can't quit my job because we need the money, however little money it might be.
Part of it, also, is that I can't travel right now. It's been since March since I've really had a trip away without some sort of chore or race attached to the trip...and that gets to me. I need to get out and see and experience and be myself somewhere that isn't here. I need an escape, and there's no escape to be had, because I don't want to go alone and no one is available to go with me, because my car can't take the traveling anymore, because there isn't any money. So that's weighing on me too.
Anyhow, I'm pouring this out so that I know what's happening. I'm pouring this out so that you understand if I don't come check in every day and comment on your blogs and stay active. This could last a day, or a week, or a few hours, or a year. No clue. NO, NO Clue how long this feeling will be with me, but usually once I get here, it sticks until there is either a change in my life or one in my heart.
Bare with me...I'm struggling through...
One thing that is different though, is the feeling I have toward myself. I don't feel like the fault or cause of my situation right now. I used to feel that way more than anything. I used to think I wasn't worth anything. But now, lately, this time, it's been more about not being able to get others to recognize my worth. I keep saying, "But I did EVERYTHING I was supposed to, and nothing is happening!" At least I have that confidence in myself, and most of it is because I've made myself stick to the plan. I stuck to the plan with school...I kept my job and went to school full-time because I thought it would look great to both grad schools and future employers. But, so far, I've been rejected by every single one. It was what I was told, researched, and knew was the right thing to do, and it still didn't lead to where it was supposed to. BUT....BUT I know it wasn't me. It wasn't because *I* didn't follow through. *I* didn't drop the ball. So, if nothing else, at least knowing that a change in my self-confidence continues into the depression times ...well, that's something.... I think....
Get An Email Alert Each Time CALLIKIA Posts