Tuesday, November 09, 2010
I've spent most of the morning and afternoon in training yet again. (And then got asked some rather rediculous and stupid questions from our intern. *sigh*) Anyhow, just a quick note to update you all on yesterday/my mood/etc.
After I wrote my blog, I stopped complaning and sent out 4 resumes via email and wrote down several others to send out in the mail later (hopefully today, if I have stamps on me). I've lowered my standards so much because I just need more money. Things are a little stressful at work right now because our Governor is becoming a Senator and our boss, basically, will be someone completely different. Now, this doesn't put my job in any danger directly, but my more immediate boss is making strides toward leaving and that's putting a little more strain on my heart. Through all the crap here, everything I've been through these past 4 years, I've stayed, in large part, because of her. Her grace, eloquence and just general self has kept me here against my better judgements. *lol* I adore her and will miss her so entirely!!
I had my second yoga class last night. I was looking forward to it as something else that would possibly lift the funk I've been feeling. Turns out it wasn't a magic cure either, but at least I felt my same limber self after. Yoga was difficult and challenging last night. She led us through some of the regular warm ups and then went on to put us straight on our backs. What did that mean? Oh, just some bridge ups (OW!) and reverse planks (OW! OW! OW!). My right elbow still hurts from attempting to do a reverse plank with my hands facing the wall behind my head. I hurried to modify the turn of my hands because I knew the pressure was too much and placed my fingers facing out toward the sides instead, so that was a little better. Still...OW! I had to cut my planks a little short, but I held on through most of them, which is amazing considering I've never before attempted a reverse plank before. (Seriously! OW!! *lol*)
After I left the gym I had to get the grocery shopping done. I had opted out of shopping on Sunday because I just didn't feel in the mood for it. I couldn't bring myself to do much of anything Sunday, actually. I had written up a shopping list at work and planned out what I would buy, and stuck mostly to the plan. And then I swung by Taco Bell for a Chalupa, that tasted like poo because it was an old, stale shell, and went home. At home I put groceries away and ate a small portion of the Tuna Helper my husband made. And then I proceeded to curl up on the couch and watch TV. By the time I went to bed I was feeling a smidge better.
I'm about to put a call into Hubs to see if he got my email about putting in the ingredients for Potato Soup for dinner. If not, I'll have to make a more detailed dinner tonight, which might not do much to increase my mood. I'm better, I swear. Not totally there, but faking it well enough. I vowed on the drive here to just say thank you to everyone and everything in my mind.
Thank you school buses for stopping to let us by.
Thank you Hubs for flipping that switch yesterday morning. I have heat!
Thank you car for warming up so quickly!
Thank you son for scraping my car windows, and other son for starting my car for me.
Thank you guy in front of me for not slamming on your brakes.
Thank you Tuesday for not being Monday.
And thank you all for being wonderfully understanding, supportive and encouraging. I know that there are others out there feeling sadness, that downward pull, that "what's it all about" and "what's the point?" is drawing in. Be it S.A.D. or simply a feeling that hits us within, I am sorry as well for your suffering. I hope that we both pull out of it very soon, because I know we will pull out eventually. I'm trying. Really, really trying. And until I make it, until something happens, I'll just keep going...because I have to.
Did have some of my boss' spaghetti with meat sauce today for lunch. It was our break from training and smelled so good, and just eating a little of that sounded much better than waiting for later or dragging in my own food in front of everyone. Still good on calories. Controlled my portion sizes. Feel alright about it. I'll just watch myself tonight. I hope there's potato soup in my future!
Monday, November 08, 2010
Okay, I wasn't going to blog today because, well, I'm just not feeling up to being happy. So, warning, this is not one of those happy, encouraging, positive blogs. It's a heads up...for you, for me.
I'm more sad and depressed and irritated than I have been in about 7-8 years. The last time I felt this way, I was likely suffering from PPD following the birth of my youngest son.
Saturday night was supposed to be great. I told myself not to have any expectations. I fully intended to simply enjoy the time alone with my husband. I thought it was just what I needed. It wasn't. It failed. I failed.
Dinner started with two boys across from me taking one look up and down me, and then hiding their mouths behind their menus and talking about me...in front of me. I tried to let it go.
The guy next to me and his girlfriend were already quite drunk. (It was a long wait...I got through that part just FINE!) He starts hitting me on the arm (I bruise easily there) and talking about how much he loves Paula Dean and how he loves cooking with butter and how he hates healthy St. He tells me he's the former sheriff of the most joked-about podunk county in WV and he orders another beer, and another, and another...and he keeps getting louder...and every time I turn to talk to Hubs, he interrupts me and wants to know everything about me and wants to tell me his life story. He tells me he owns cabins and rents them out, and tells me we should come stay in one. I'm getting scared of him! His girlfriend or wife (I doubt the latter, she looked easily 15 years his junior and I didn't see any rings) proceeds to tell me about how little money she made working for the state (I know, I JUST told you I work for the state, dumbbutt!) and then tells me that she's moved on somewhere else and makes 46k a year. (Yes, she actually told me her annual salary.) The bill for the two hoodlums and their friend and the two kids chatting about me across the table? 195 bucks. And they fight over who is going to pay for it and start throwing around hundreds and fiftys like they haven't a care in the world...and then the former sheriff asks for beer in to-go cups for his hot honey and him. *sigh* I'm about to lose it. I joke about it in the parking lot and told Hubs that I wanted to punch him in the neck.
Hubs mentions a headlight is out and then immediately says, "Where's an Advance?" My heart sank. THIS is how he wants to spend our evening alone together? Fixing the car? Why can't it just wait? Everyone knows that any cop who pulls you over for a broken lamp is likely to simply run your plates and then give you a warning and send you on your way. No big deal. We can deal with it tomorrow. But there was an hour or more before the movie, and a Wal-Mart next door, which Hubs assured me had the part we needed...so off we went. We spent the good part of 20 minutes in a long line for ONE light bulb. When we got outside, Hubs couldn't wait.,. the hood was popped immediately and he got to work putting in the bulb. "It's simple! I've done it in the dark before." And then it all fell apart. The bulb fell in the casing and we didn't have the proper tools to get it out...and as I'm shoving my hand into the hole, trying to grip the stupid thing between the only two fingers that will fit in there, my blood pressure and my temper just kept going up and up and up. I'd had it. The night was ruined. Instead of just having a relaxing evening out, again I'm called to jump in and figure something out, fix something, make something work.
We give up. We drive back to the movies. Still 45 minutes until our movie starts. I want to try again. For some reason, something in me won't let it go...I've been like this a lot lately. I can't leave things unfinished or undone or unfixed. It grates at me, it's all I think about, and my head actually, physically hurts because of it. I want it fixed. I want to know *I* fixed it. I want it done NOW. I want to know I can control the situation and move on. Thirty minutes in the parking lot, grease on my hand, my hand actually hurting from shoving it into this small hole, and gobs and gobs of people driving by...not one of them stop to ask if we need help. In our town, it would've taken 2 seconds for someone to stop. I once had the bumper of my car catch on fire in my driveway and 5 people just passing by for work that day or wherever helped me put it out. By the time the fire department showed up, it was all taken care of. I railed the city and it's inconsiderate people. I railed at my Husband for causing all this mess. And then I slammed the hood down and the door shut and we went to see the movie.
I hated everyone for the rest of the night. Everything got on my nerves times 120. The guy that made fun of an overweight woman in line for ordering candy, a large Coke and a large ICEE...he nearly got a verbal lashing from me about not judging people without knowing them or their situation. The girl who kept kicking my husband's seat through the movie, kept talking through the movie with the person next to her, said, "Good movie" before the movie was even OVER, and then proceeded to nearly kick my husband in the head when she jumped over the seat to run to the bathroom. (They came in late to the movie and CHOSE the seat in the corner...stupid!) And her again when I heard her joking about it in the bathroom.
I got home and I hated my husband for not talking to me enough, and for not even wanting to come to bed with me. I hated the cold for...making me cold. I hated the furnace for not lighting fast enough. I hated everything and everyone. So I just went to bed, and I slept HARD.
Yesterday I got angry again, though I tried not to. Hubs woke up and the first words out of his mouth were, "Did you get the bulb out?" GRRR! I had forgotten all about our little problem. I went back outside, worked for about 30 more minutes, got frustrated, slammed more doors, hurt my hand more, got dirty again, and got really, really, really lightheaded. We gave up and drove to get the boys. And I warned Hubs about how depressed I'd been feeling...and he asked if I wanted to talk about it...so I did. And he said nothing. He didn't address or even acknowledge that I had spoken. The only words he spoke were, "Can you stop at Advance?" and "Look! I got toys!" (another trigger...I have no money now to buy anything unnecessary). He said nothing about any of it all day.
I'm trying not to blame him. I know how he's feeling and why he's acting the way he is. He feels like crap because he knows it was his fault about the bulb. And he knows that if he would've just listened to me, it wouldn't have happened. And he thinks he's the reason for my pain and frustration right now. It's also his fault that it took me 45 minutes to get my window to defrost this morning because he switched a switch under my hood to have the heater blow out COLD air instead of WARM onto my windshield. He was woken up again by a frustrated, crying Esther who was literally out of her mind trying to figure out how she could do everything right, yet again, and still have so much go wrong.
So, that's how I've been feeling lately. It's a mess. My head is a mess. And, yes, I mostly know what's happening. Stagnation. I don't do well when there isn't any forward progress happening. I even vocalized this to Hubs yesterday when I said, "This weight loss thing is the ONLY THING I can control and see progress in right now, but it's not enough any more."
We need money.
I need a new job.
We need a house.
We need better cars.
We're in the process of getting by, and I can do that for a good long time, but there comes a point where I just crack. I've heard people ask me, "How do you keep going?" or say to me, "You are amazing! You just keep going! I don't think I could do that!" I heard it when I was working full-time and going to school full-time and working part-time at the paper and juggling it all. I hear it now with the weight loss. I'm sick of hearing it. I keep going because I have no other option...because I keep thinking that maybe, someday, eventually, hopefully, I'll stumble upon a step that actually leads me somewhere. I keep going - I keep working because my family needs money. I don't quit my job because I can't find another one. I'm searching for jobs everywhere. I put the resumes out there, I put myself out there, I go to the interviews with a smile and confidence - and then nothing. I can't quit my job because we need the money, however little money it might be.
Part of it, also, is that I can't travel right now. It's been since March since I've really had a trip away without some sort of chore or race attached to the trip...and that gets to me. I need to get out and see and experience and be myself somewhere that isn't here. I need an escape, and there's no escape to be had, because I don't want to go alone and no one is available to go with me, because my car can't take the traveling anymore, because there isn't any money. So that's weighing on me too.
Anyhow, I'm pouring this out so that I know what's happening. I'm pouring this out so that you understand if I don't come check in every day and comment on your blogs and stay active. This could last a day, or a week, or a few hours, or a year. No clue. NO, NO Clue how long this feeling will be with me, but usually once I get here, it sticks until there is either a change in my life or one in my heart.
Bare with me...I'm struggling through...
One thing that is different though, is the feeling I have toward myself. I don't feel like the fault or cause of my situation right now. I used to feel that way more than anything. I used to think I wasn't worth anything. But now, lately, this time, it's been more about not being able to get others to recognize my worth. I keep saying, "But I did EVERYTHING I was supposed to, and nothing is happening!" At least I have that confidence in myself, and most of it is because I've made myself stick to the plan. I stuck to the plan with school...I kept my job and went to school full-time because I thought it would look great to both grad schools and future employers. But, so far, I've been rejected by every single one. It was what I was told, researched, and knew was the right thing to do, and it still didn't lead to where it was supposed to. BUT....BUT I know it wasn't me. It wasn't because *I* didn't follow through. *I* didn't drop the ball. So, if nothing else, at least knowing that a change in my self-confidence continues into the depression times ...well, that's something.... I think....
Sunday, November 07, 2010
Starting Weight: 466.6
SP SW: 416.2
Last Week: 345.6
Goal this Week: 343.6
Actual Weight: 342.2
SP Total Loss: 74
Total Loss: 124.4
I feel like Hiro in Heroes! "YATTA!" I did it! I beat that 344 into the ground, y'all! That makes me super happy! And being SOO close to 75 pounds lost with SP and 125 pounds lost total makes me even happier! I can see the 330s and I'm coming for them!! :)
Yesterday I was talking to Hubs' uncle when we dropped off the boys for the night (That's right, MAMA - Hubs and I took the night off and had a date night last night!) and he asked me how much weight I had lost. Since that morning's weigh-in had said 341, I took the opportunity to say "about 75 pounds" and it felt SO great! "Wow!" he said. "That's great!" And then Hubs' pipes in... "Yeah, she went through a plateau for a couple months. She was losing inches even though the weight wouldn't budge, and then finally the weight came off again." *lol* Actually, the plateau only lasted a few weeks, not a couple months, but I'm sure with my whining about it it seemed like months! ;) I just let it go and didn't correct him on anything, because what I saw and heard was pride in my husband's voice...and I *love* that. I love that I'm making him proud!
Last night we had the night to ourselves. We dropped the boys off around 5:30pm or so (after a birthday party during which I avoided pizza and cupcakes!) and we headed south to Charleston. I let hubs pick our place for dinner. I opted out of a few places, but otherwise I just gave him carte blanche to eat what he wanted. I knew I could figure out what to eat wherever we went. He picked Hibachis, a Japanese grill, and I got Vegetables and Tofu and some sushi (tuna and cucumber rolls). I only ate about half my dish and felt full. :) (And got a verbal lashing from the guy seated next to be about how he doesn't like "that healthy sh!t." *roll eyes*)
The night was going well until Hubs realized I had a headlight out and we tried to put in a new bulb and the stupid thing fell into a hole from which we couldn't get it out of (we tried for about an hour!). We finally resigned to let it wait until tomorrow when we had the right tools and then we went to see Red. (Very good movie, but what do you expect with Bruce Willis and Morgan Freeman? *LOVE*) I was angry from the frustration of the car issue, and ended up eating too much popcorn and Reese pieces. *sad* My stomach still hurts! I proceeded to use the drive home to attempt to drown my body in water to counteract the crap I had fed it. (At least I learned a lesson. I think I'm totally over the idea that going to a movie means eating popcorn. It just wasn't even good, and I felt horrible after!)
To recap last week:
Sunday - I walked a mile around the football track for exercise. 2183 calories consumed. 132 burned.
Monday - I had my first yoga class and LOVED it! 1773 calories consumed. 318 burned.
Tuesday - I overworked myself with 2 classes and ST. 2135 calories consumed. 1263 burned.
Wednesday - I just walked around my office and didn't log it. 2247 calories consumed.
Thursday - I walked a bit on breaks, and ST on my own in my office - and felt physically ill, so I stopped short of my goals. 1624 calories consumed. 144 burned.
Friday - Line dancing again! WOOT! 2058 calories consumed. 566 burned.
Saturday - I walked 2.21 miles, pushing myself to do most of it at a 17-18 minute mile pace. Way too many calories consumed (can't track because I wasn't paying attention). 566 burned. Did MOST of my ST, but forgot my crunches, push-ups and planks. D'oh!
I didn't reach my 4000 calorie burned goal, so I've lowered that goal. I'm going to just keep going and not worry about changing anything this week. If it ain't broke, don't fix it!
Goals for this week:
1900-2250 calories (but sitting around 1600-1800 will be fine with me too. Sometimes I have low calorie days because I don't feel much like eating. 1600 calories is still plenty.
2270 calories burned. 3 FULL ST sessions.
Sunday - Something easy like a walk with the fam.
Monday - Yoga!
Tuesday - Line dancing or Zumba. ST
Wednesday - Pilates (hopefully! Have to get some work on my car first!)
Thursday - Line dancing or Zumba. ST
Friday - Line dancing?? (not sure if they're having it) or Elliptical
Saturday - LDW - shooting for 3 miles this time. ST????????*
Crunches goal: 500
Modified push-ups: 120
Regular push-ups: 10-15
Planks: 6 @ 45 or more seconds
Modified planks: 2 @ 30 seconds or more
Spend some quality time with Hubs on Friday when I'm off work.
Read with my boys at least 2 nights this week.
Spend some time reading with myself. Journal some about my feelings now and try to remember what's changing and how much these changes have made a positive impact in my life.
* Saturday is going to be a little nutty. My aunt and uncle are having their 25th wedding anniversary in Columbus. Because I was the flower girl at her wedding, I feel like I should certainly be there. Hubs and I are going to travel up to Columbus on Saturday, see some friends we've been missing, and attend the anniversary dinner on Saturday.
And Wednesday may end up a little nutty as well. Going to try to get to the NTB place by 5pm so I can get my tires balanced and rotated. Hoping it doesn't take too long and I'm out of there by 6:20pm or so so I can make it to pilates.
Thankfully, I have Thursday and Friday off this week. Going to use this time to rest and bond with the family. Also going to work on cleaning the front room so we can get a new couch in here.
A special note to my Sparkies:
Thank you for being so supportive! Thank you for understanding when I feel like the world is falling down around me! Thank you for telling me that things will be alright, and thank you for understanding when it takes me a while to come around to your thinking! Thank you for being a huge source of inspiration and support. I love you all and don't know what I'd do without all of you!
Friday, November 05, 2010
Take a look through my photo gallery on my computer and you'll start to think I'm a narcissistic fool! Page after page of photos of yours truly, often 10-20 in the same outfit from the same day, all different poses. I used to take that many pictures at once so I could hit on just one that was acceptable for public viewing on sites like Facebook. Sure, some of it had to do with lighting, with holding the camera steady, flash or no flash, you know, the technical stuff. But 9 times out of 10, the reason was to get just the right angle to make me not look enormous on film. I wanted a picture I wasn't ashamed to show people. "You have such a pretty face!" I always heard, so that's what I always tried to highlight. But there's a right way and a wrong way for fat girls to look great in photos. (Men surfing for women online, pay attention! We can fool you in the blink of an eye with our pictures!!)
There are over 32 pictures in this "session." (And then I put my glasses on and tried again. *sigh* All for what? This:
(From January of this year)
But I started noticing something else in that photo gallery. Around April, the pictures start to change. No longer are they of me trying to make myself look skinny, they're of the things we're doing and the food we're eating to actually MAKE me skinny. Less of these random photo shoots in a false attempt to boost the ego.
But I still have my photo shoots, of course. They've changed a bit. I make funny faces, or I just want to see how I look that day using my phone's camera. But now instead of taking 10-30 pictures to find one that's good...I'm taking 10 to 30 pictures because they ALL look good, and I can't believe it, and I keep thinking I'll hit on that one angle where it all goes to poo again. But it doesn't. It honestly doesn't.
Here are just a few recent ones. I'm going to pick something random from each set, just to prove my point.
This set had about 50 or so, no lie.
This set had about 7.
This set had about 5.
This set had about 15 because I loved them all and felt so darn pretty.
This set had 2, just 2. I liked them both.
This one had 2 as well. The other was just a little further away.
That being said, I can't wait until I feel the same way about candid shots, group shots, and fuller body shots. These are still my enemies! So, while progress is slow, progress is there. I'm having more fun looking at myself in the mirror. I don't shy away or say negative things to my reflection. Instead I think, "Hrm...good day! Take a picture!" And those good days are coming more and more nowadays.
Friday, November 05, 2010
So, yes. I'm frustrated. I'm moving on from it, but recording it here, for posterity and all that.
Over the past two days I've been avoiding the scale like the plague. I used to weigh-in every morning, but after hearing so much about how bad that is, I decided to take the week off and see if that helped me at all. And then I had this long conversation in my head last night about it and I realized that those little checks every morning seem to keep me in line. I couldn't hold off any longer, I had to know if I was getting ANYWHERE this week as far as the numbers were concerned. I mean, let's face it, it's been a semi-light week for exercise, other than my blowout, overboard performance on Tuesday night. Wednesday I did a few laps around the office during the day, and then I skipped pilates. I was super, super, super tired. Hubs was worried I would fall asleep driving home. My body was beyond spent from the night before. Yesterday, I tried, I really did. I walked during my first two breaks, but I kept getting tired a lot faster than usual. And when I went to do my ST exercises in my office, I got through half of them before my stomach just started to really hurt. So I stopped. And while I tried to fit in my lunges later, I didn't get all 20 in, I missed a plank and a modified plank, and I didn't do a single push-up. Still, I didn't feel like a total failure, because I did stuff, and I stuck to my calorie goals. (Yesterday I was actually under, but the stupid TOM hit hard and I can't stomach much food when that happens.)
So this morning I hop on the scale with no clue as to what to expect (I also don't like this part! I used to pretty much know what I was probably going to see on the scale every morning. I got surprises now and again, but I was starting to learn how heavy my body felt and how that translated as far as the numbers were concerned). 344.2. *sigh* 344 is just another number I've been struggling with. I saw 343 once and then haven't seen the other side of 344 since. It's gotten on my last damn nerve!
I keep asking myself, what am I doing wrong? And while I could make improvements to the type of foods I eat, I'm sticking pretty much to what I should. And I've been drinking a crapton of water lately. And I've been working out, almost to the point of exhaustion, and then taking it slow for a few days, so I guess I could balance that time out more. (Honestly, I didn't go into Tuesday with the intention to overwork myself. It all sounded so fun! I mean, a whole day and night to myself! I didn't have a time limit and could do whatever I wanted for as long as I wanted...so I did. I *love* line dancing class and I love my Zumba. I'm not so overly keen on the super LOOONG ST workout right now, but I love the new stuff I get to try - like lifting dumbbells right next to the big muscly dudes, and doing the leg press machine. For me, it's just fun to try something new - and I can already start to see some improvement in my calf muscles!)
So just what am I doing SO wrong? *sigh* I knew the weight loss would start to slow down eventually, but when you still have over 100 pounds to lose, slowing down is the last thing you want to even consider. I should be able to maintain a 2 lb. a week pace. SHOULD. If I work the numbers I should be able to hit my goals. But the numbers don't always work. (And being in the second month of TOM and having it come and go as it pleases from one day to the next doesn't help!)
On November 1st I weighed in at 347.2 pounds. Technically I've lost 3 pounds in 5 days. But those first 2 pounds went away pretty quickly, and I knew they were basically a sodium-induced gain. I drank water and off they went. But to keep putting in the time and keep stressing over everything and still feel like I'm getting nowhere is getting tiring.
I'm not saying I'm going to stop doing what I'm doing. I actually enjoy the foods I eat now. I actually enjoy my gym time. I think there's another line dancing class tonight, so I'll likely hit that up again.
My size 24 jeans are mocking me every day.
My own brain fights with me over whether to work out or not.
I'm confused by everything right now.
And I *hate* *hate* *hate* feeling powerless.
What I'm not going to do?
* Overwork myself at the gym from now until "official" weigh-in on Sunday. That's counterproductive.
* Skip workouts out of spite. That's also counterproductive.
* Eat 15 candy bars because I'm sad. ...uhm, do I need to say it again?
* Stress myself out over every bite of food I put in my mouth. I can't live life that way, and I need to have a HEALTHY relationship with food, I'm not about to trade one unhealthy relationship for one of a different sort.
* Stop tracking. Counterproductive again.
* Change anything. I think one problem may be that I've been changing it up for so long my body is too confused to know what to think anymore. I'm getting back to a schedule and just sticking to what I know. That means line dancing tonight, my LDR (which will be short this week) tomorrow and ST.
* Try on those stupid 24s. Forget it! I hate those pants and I'm shoving them to the bottom of my drawer. I'll know when it's time when my other pants start getting super loose. Until then, forget about it!
Other things I should be thinking about instead:
I have done 0 Christmas shopping so far. Time is running away from me, and money is tight. I know that spreading out the shopping over time always helps me, so I need to get started on that ASAP. Going to have the kids sit down and write out some lists, and may go ahead and order the one thing I know I'm getting my mom.
The New Year
How do I want to celebrate this one? I'd love to go to a party with some friends, or just go out with Shane. We just never get to do that anymore and it's seriously stressing me out! The last time we went out at night, just the two of us, without a time limit, was the night before my graduation in MAY! I want to drink a drink and kiss my man and not worry about what this year is going to bring. I want to just feel hope for next year and pride in what I've accomplished in 2010.
I'm still on the hunt for something that will either A) make me more money, or B) is in my chosen field, although C) both A and B would be nice. I need to make sure I'm doing everything I can to put myself out there. I need to seek out freelance writing gigs more. I need to figure out what my next step is and make that leap of faith to make it happen NOW. BTW - I have an interview next Friday, so I definitely need to work on putting my outfit together this weekend for that. Looked at a few stores the other day but they had nothing either in my size or that I liked. BLAH!
There's no question how my big 3-0 bash will be spent this year. My friend and I are headed to Vegas (my first time, her probably hundredth *lol*) from January 7-14th. (My birthday is the 8th...same as Elvis, thank you very much! ;) ) I need to plan out what I want to do and see...and I need to make a decision about that race I found that's on my birthday. Could be a really interesting way to bring on the 30s! I also need to make sure I'm putting enough money aside every paycheck so I can afford myself a great time. My only goal for my birthday evening is to find a club, have a drink, and dance my big butt off in style! I'd also love to see Phantom while I'm out there, but I don't know if that will happen. Oh, and I plan on spending 30 bucks in a casino on my birthday. Wish me luck that I hit a jackpot or something!! :)
My husband and I were married on 02/02/02. That means that next February it will be 9 years of figuring it out, making it work, and, most days this year, just being in love. The last time we took an anniversary trip was a couple years ago. I don't want to go too big with this (maybe we'll save that for the big 1-0 next year!), but I would like to have a weekend away with my man so we can just be a couple. (Couple of whats, though, i don't know...bud dum cha! ;) ) I'm think B&B, but we've never stayed in one before and...I don't know if I feel comfortable. It's like staying in someone else's house or something. *shrug* I don't know. I would love to head up to New Milford, CT and the Washington, CT area, but that's a 10 hour drive and I don't much care to pay for airfare. So I'll have to find something a little closer. *pouts* (I love New Milford! We traveled through it last year or the year before and it is just this beautiful, quaint little town that reminds me so much of Gilmore Girls I want to die there on the green! People were so friendly too! And we ate at this amazing restaurant in Washington Depot named J.D. Tuckers that was wonderful! -- and the waiter was HAWT! *lol*) The dream trip would be a few days in New Milford in an inn/B&B there, take the train into NYC one day and just explore the city, just the two of us. Still, I doubt I can make that work this year so it may have to wait for next year. If anyone has any other thoughts within 5 hours or so of the Parkersburg area of WV, please let me know! And, no, I will not go skiing. With my knee, I don't even want to ATTEMPT skiing! (Plus, I'm accident-prone...don't feel the need to go putting my unstable legs on two sticks and then purposely shoving myself down a mountain...kthanks but nothanks!)
So I guess what I'm saying is, I need to refocus from getting through these numbers to living my life to the fullest. No more stress over 344 (still hate that number, much in the same way I hated 350...is this going to happen every 5 pounds now?!). No more stressing over size 24 jeans. Gonna try to focus on what's really important, and let the rest happen as it will.
Get An Email Alert Each Time CALLIKIA Posts