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Weigh-In Day

Sunday, November 07, 2010

emoticon
Weigh-in Day

Starting Weight: 466.6
SP SW: 416.2
Last Week: 345.6
Goal this Week: 343.6
Actual Weight: 342.2
Loss/Gain: -3.4
SP Total Loss: 74
Total Loss: 124.4

I feel like Hiro in Heroes! "YATTA!" I did it! I beat that 344 into the ground, y'all! That makes me super happy! And being SOO close to 75 pounds lost with SP and 125 pounds lost total makes me even happier! I can see the 330s and I'm coming for them!! :)

Yesterday I was talking to Hubs' uncle when we dropped off the boys for the night (That's right, MAMA - Hubs and I took the night off and had a date night last night!) and he asked me how much weight I had lost. Since that morning's weigh-in had said 341, I took the opportunity to say "about 75 pounds" and it felt SO great! "Wow!" he said. "That's great!" And then Hubs' pipes in... "Yeah, she went through a plateau for a couple months. She was losing inches even though the weight wouldn't budge, and then finally the weight came off again." *lol* Actually, the plateau only lasted a few weeks, not a couple months, but I'm sure with my whining about it it seemed like months! ;) I just let it go and didn't correct him on anything, because what I saw and heard was pride in my husband's voice...and I *love* that. I love that I'm making him proud!

Last night we had the night to ourselves. We dropped the boys off around 5:30pm or so (after a birthday party during which I avoided pizza and cupcakes!) and we headed south to Charleston. I let hubs pick our place for dinner. I opted out of a few places, but otherwise I just gave him carte blanche to eat what he wanted. I knew I could figure out what to eat wherever we went. He picked Hibachis, a Japanese grill, and I got Vegetables and Tofu and some sushi (tuna and cucumber rolls). I only ate about half my dish and felt full. :) (And got a verbal lashing from the guy seated next to be about how he doesn't like "that healthy sh!t." *roll eyes*)

The night was going well until Hubs realized I had a headlight out and we tried to put in a new bulb and the stupid thing fell into a hole from which we couldn't get it out of (we tried for about an hour!). We finally resigned to let it wait until tomorrow when we had the right tools and then we went to see Red. (Very good movie, but what do you expect with Bruce Willis and Morgan Freeman? *LOVE*) I was angry from the frustration of the car issue, and ended up eating too much popcorn and Reese pieces. *sad* My stomach still hurts! I proceeded to use the drive home to attempt to drown my body in water to counteract the crap I had fed it. (At least I learned a lesson. I think I'm totally over the idea that going to a movie means eating popcorn. It just wasn't even good, and I felt horrible after!)

To recap last week:
Sunday - I walked a mile around the football track for exercise. 2183 calories consumed. 132 burned.
Monday - I had my first yoga class and LOVED it! 1773 calories consumed. 318 burned.
Tuesday - I overworked myself with 2 classes and ST. 2135 calories consumed. 1263 burned.
Wednesday - I just walked around my office and didn't log it. 2247 calories consumed.
Thursday - I walked a bit on breaks, and ST on my own in my office - and felt physically ill, so I stopped short of my goals. 1624 calories consumed. 144 burned.
Friday - Line dancing again! WOOT! 2058 calories consumed. 566 burned.
Saturday - I walked 2.21 miles, pushing myself to do most of it at a 17-18 minute mile pace. Way too many calories consumed (can't track because I wasn't paying attention). 566 burned. Did MOST of my ST, but forgot my crunches, push-ups and planks. D'oh!

I didn't reach my 4000 calorie burned goal, so I've lowered that goal. I'm going to just keep going and not worry about changing anything this week. If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

Goals for this week:
emoticon Nutrition:
1900-2250 calories (but sitting around 1600-1800 will be fine with me too. Sometimes I have low calorie days because I don't feel much like eating. 1600 calories is still plenty.
emoticon Fitness:
2270 calories burned. 3 FULL ST sessions.
Sunday - Something easy like a walk with the fam.
Monday - Yoga!
Tuesday - Line dancing or Zumba. ST
Wednesday - Pilates (hopefully! Have to get some work on my car first!)
Thursday - Line dancing or Zumba. ST
Friday - Line dancing?? (not sure if they're having it) or Elliptical
Saturday - LDW - shooting for 3 miles this time. ST????????*

Crunches goal: 500
Modified push-ups: 120
Regular push-ups: 10-15
Planks: 6 @ 45 or more seconds
Modified planks: 2 @ 30 seconds or more

emoticon Hubs
Spend some quality time with Hubs on Friday when I'm off work.

emoticon Boys
Read with my boys at least 2 nights this week.

emoticon Me
Spend some time reading with myself. Journal some about my feelings now and try to remember what's changing and how much these changes have made a positive impact in my life.

* Saturday is going to be a little nutty. My aunt and uncle are having their 25th wedding anniversary in Columbus. Because I was the flower girl at her wedding, I feel like I should certainly be there. Hubs and I are going to travel up to Columbus on Saturday, see some friends we've been missing, and attend the anniversary dinner on Saturday.

And Wednesday may end up a little nutty as well. Going to try to get to the NTB place by 5pm so I can get my tires balanced and rotated. Hoping it doesn't take too long and I'm out of there by 6:20pm or so so I can make it to pilates.

Thankfully, I have Thursday and Friday off this week. Going to use this time to rest and bond with the family. Also going to work on cleaning the front room so we can get a new couch in here.

emoticon A special note to my Sparkies:

Thank you for being so supportive! Thank you for understanding when I feel like the world is falling down around me! Thank you for telling me that things will be alright, and thank you for understanding when it takes me a while to come around to your thinking! Thank you for being a huge source of inspiration and support. I love you all and don't know what I'd do without all of you!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HARMONYBLUE 11/8/2010 9:43PM

    You totally blew your goal loss out of the water. Congrats! Can't wait to see what you can accomplish next week. Too bad about the headlight, but glad you and the hubby had an otherwise nice date night (and he got to show his pride for your accomplishments!)

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CHICAT63 11/8/2010 8:20PM

    Woohoo, congrats on your loss. Sista you are rocking it, 75 pounds excellent !

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KITHKINCAID 11/8/2010 4:15PM

    Congrats on BUSTING that plateau girl! You're amazing!

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SPUNKYDUCKY 11/8/2010 1:19PM

    Congrats on continuing to do such a great job!

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TEAM-SARAH 11/8/2010 12:23PM

    Sounds like an awesome week, congrats on the great weight loss! Glad you loved your first yoga class so much. I'm so proud of you for trying!!

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ADVENTURE-GIRL 11/8/2010 12:14PM

    Congrats on a great weigh in! Sounds like you have your priorities good and are doing AWESOME!!!

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DOLL2THEWALL 11/8/2010 10:35AM

    You are doing amazing, lady - way to kick that 344 in the butt! So happy for you. :)

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MAGPIE17 11/8/2010 10:27AM

    Keep it up, Esther! You're rocking this!

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ATREAT4ME 11/8/2010 7:55AM

    You are amazing! I love your blogs and your weekly goals.

And I'm super duper doubly thrilled for your night out with Hubs. What a blessing.

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HEATHER_TEACHAH 11/8/2010 5:57AM

    WOW amazing!!!! great job w/ burning so many cals in a week!!! you seem SO happy!

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RAVENSONG37 11/8/2010 12:58AM

    I love you for a million reasons...one of them is that D and I watched Red on Friday too!!

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TIGERJANE 11/7/2010 7:49PM

    Wow, you're really getting those exercise minutes in! And your calories look great . . . makes me feel like I should be kicking it harder than I am. Thanks for being such an inspiration!

Comment edited on: 11/7/2010 7:49:32 PM

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BARBARAROSE54 11/7/2010 4:55PM

    emoticon emoticon

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LADYINOHIO 11/7/2010 3:55PM

    Girl, you have some awesome AND realistic, totally reachable goals~ that alone took me like 2 years to come around to, so I think you're doing really good in regards to getting with "the program", hehe! I am in awe of, and inspired by, your total loss, your loss since you joined SP, and your determination especially... I know I've told you this before... but I really feel like I can't tell you enough how proud I am of you, and how much you motivate me to keep making good choices.
Thank you for being a fABulous, beautiful person, and a great sparkfriend~
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MEGSFITNESS 11/7/2010 2:56PM

    Congrats hun!! you're awesome and I'm glad to hear that hubs talked you up so much :D

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MAIA2011 11/7/2010 11:42AM

    Awesome! This was so great to read! I love how you have this thing by the short hairs, lady! (Also, I liked Red, too. Bruce Willis is great in movies like this. Do you remember The Whole Nine Yards? That one killed me.)

Spark on!

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 11/7/2010 10:58AM

    Congratulations on beating 344 into the ground! You are doing SO good. emoticon

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READINESSISALL 11/7/2010 10:52AM

  I just love your attitude, and how awesome you are in keeping track of your progress and goals. When I saw the title of this blog I couldn't wait to see the results because I just KNEW you had done it. You are doing such a great job!!! Congrats!

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GOGOSHIRE 11/7/2010 10:45AM

    Awesome blog! 330s, here we come!

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MAMADWARF 11/7/2010 10:31AM

    Wooohooo! I knew you would break that 340 mark! You are on your way now and not gonna go back!!!!
Im so happy that you went on a date! sounds awesome. I love those kind of restaurants. They are so entertaining and you know exactly what is in it!

I want to see the RED movie so I am glad you gave me a recommendation. I dont usually get popcorn at the movies anymore cause it is hard to control how much I eat but if I do, I give myself 5 big handfuls or I make frank get a medium (not a large) and watch that I eat no more than half. (There is AMC popcorn on the nutritional tracker).

Your upcoming week sounds awesome. (I miss reading to my kids. That was our nightly ritual when they were little. Now they cant wait for me to go to bed so they can have the living room, make fattening snacks and watch all the crap TV on DVR!).

Happy you broke that barrier! You are only a few pounds away from kicking the 40's to the curb forever!!

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FLAMENM 11/7/2010 10:22AM

    COngrats on meeting your goal!!!

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ANNISSAT 11/7/2010 10:19AM

    emoticon

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Remember, Remember... (with pics)

Friday, November 05, 2010

Take a look through my photo gallery on my computer and you'll start to think I'm a narcissistic fool! Page after page of photos of yours truly, often 10-20 in the same outfit from the same day, all different poses. I used to take that many pictures at once so I could hit on just one that was acceptable for public viewing on sites like Facebook. Sure, some of it had to do with lighting, with holding the camera steady, flash or no flash, you know, the technical stuff. But 9 times out of 10, the reason was to get just the right angle to make me not look enormous on film. I wanted a picture I wasn't ashamed to show people. "You have such a pretty face!" I always heard, so that's what I always tried to highlight. But there's a right way and a wrong way for fat girls to look great in photos. (Men surfing for women online, pay attention! We can fool you in the blink of an eye with our pictures!!)


There are over 32 pictures in this "session." (And then I put my glasses on and tried again. *sigh* All for what? This:


(From January of this year)

But I started noticing something else in that photo gallery. Around April, the pictures start to change. No longer are they of me trying to make myself look skinny, they're of the things we're doing and the food we're eating to actually MAKE me skinny. Less of these random photo shoots in a false attempt to boost the ego.

But I still have my photo shoots, of course. They've changed a bit. I make funny faces, or I just want to see how I look that day using my phone's camera. But now instead of taking 10-30 pictures to find one that's good...I'm taking 10 to 30 pictures because they ALL look good, and I can't believe it, and I keep thinking I'll hit on that one angle where it all goes to poo again. But it doesn't. It honestly doesn't.

Here are just a few recent ones. I'm going to pick something random from each set, just to prove my point.


This set had about 50 or so, no lie.

This set had about 7.

This set had about 5.

This set had about 15 because I loved them all and felt so darn pretty.

This set had 2, just 2. I liked them both.

This one had 2 as well. The other was just a little further away.

That being said, I can't wait until I feel the same way about candid shots, group shots, and fuller body shots. These are still my enemies! So, while progress is slow, progress is there. I'm having more fun looking at myself in the mirror. I don't shy away or say negative things to my reflection. Instead I think, "Hrm...good day! Take a picture!" And those good days are coming more and more nowadays.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TAFODIL24 11/8/2010 8:18PM

    You are beautiful emoticon

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MAGPIE17 11/8/2010 10:11AM

    You look beautiful, Esther!

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HEATHER_TEACHAH 11/8/2010 7:02AM

    you are beautiful! Thanks for sharing your pics and stories of how you're growing to love yourself a bit more:)

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RAVENSONG37 11/8/2010 12:56AM

    you are so dang gorgeous.

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ERIN4771 11/7/2010 10:02AM

    amazing photos esther!!! it's also nice how the good days are becoming more and more frequent than the "other" days....sounds like you are starting to believe you are actually a beautiful person....about time my friend!!!!! now, go forth and continue with the picture taking....nothing narcissistic about it AT ALL!!!! emoticon

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APIRLRAIN888 11/6/2010 9:36PM

    lol love it! same here ;p

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REBECCAMA 11/6/2010 8:42PM

  You look great! Congratulations!!

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HARMONYBLUE 11/6/2010 8:13PM

    Looking good in pictures is definately one of the nice parts of this journey.. I am familiar with the photo montage to find one that didn't make me look huge. But I still have trouble with a little double chin and of course the tummy (my trouble zones). All of you new pics look great!

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ATREAT4ME 11/6/2010 12:12PM

    You are absolutely darling! Wowsers. I absolutely love your writing and feel like I know you in *real life* because of them. By far, my favorite sentence you've written is in this blog: "I'm having more fun looking at myself in the mirror." I am so happy for you. I am just thrilled and pleased and excited for you! Thank you for sharing yourself like this with me!

Cheryl

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DETERMINED_SOUL 11/6/2010 10:31AM

    I am with you. I hate having my picture taken, but I am getting more confident, hence more accepting of my pictures.

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BAYBELIEVER 11/6/2010 12:39AM

    You are beautiful! Outside and in! I am glad you are realizing it too, a little more each day and since we don't have to get film developed anymore, let's keep on taking 'em! Your confidence just shines through!

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EMRANA 11/5/2010 7:19PM

  What Mezzoangel said. emoticon

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ADVENTURE-GIRL 11/5/2010 6:29PM

    I can totally relate. I have used to take tons trying to get the right angle. Love that its easier to get a good one now. You look great!

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 11/5/2010 6:13PM

    I thought you were beautiful before, I think you are beautiful now. True story.

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MUTANTQUEEN 11/5/2010 5:28PM

    Great blog! I've shared this experience, like so many others have, I'm sure. I was just noticing that yesterday, as a matter of fact. I feel I look best when you can actually see my jawline, which goes away when I gain weight. So now it's a lot easier to take good pictures. I just wonder how I'll feel looking at myself when my weight is down lower than it's ever been since I've been an adult. I hope I still like what I see!

Congratulations on your progress!

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MAMADWARF 11/5/2010 5:16PM

    Love the realization, the progress, the blog, the pictures! Love it Love it love it!

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ATROTTIER 11/5/2010 5:08PM

    Just beautiful!! I love that you are loving yourself more each day, makes the journey that much more special!!! Have a wonderful weekend you gorgeous lady!

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SEEHOLZ 11/5/2010 5:04PM

    I hate most pics of me... at any weight. I am so unphotogenic..hence ignorance can be bliss-LOL. I do take some, but just here and there. I hate people who will 100% avoid all photos, so I try to just suck it up and go with the flow, but I am super embarrassed about most of them.

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ERIN1128 11/5/2010 4:52PM

    Love it! You're gorgeous!

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REDCHILIFLAKES 11/5/2010 4:50PM

    hahah! I love it, and I feel like you are revealing my secret too! I feel like if anyone ever picked up my phone and looked in my gallery they'd think I was crazy (and maybe I am a little).

You are right, you look beautiful in all those pictures! Way to go lady!!

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DOWNTOWNJEN 11/5/2010 4:28PM

    You have some killer bone structure!

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CALLIKIA 11/5/2010 4:24PM

    Lol! I hate my nose! I keep wondering if it's possible to lose weight in your nose cuz it just seems too big.

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MNGIRLIE 11/5/2010 4:23PM

    You ARE a beautiful woman! Great blog. Thanks for sharing.

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MAIA2011 11/5/2010 4:21PM

    I'm with Megs! I love your nose and your freckles are heartbreakingly adorable! I love that you are so happy playing with your camera, too! I am still very afraid but I'm working on it.

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MEGSFITNESS 11/5/2010 4:13PM

    yay! That's a non-scale victory, lady :)

p.s. on a random note: I like your nose.

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TEAM-SARAH 11/5/2010 4:08PM

    You are beautiful and I'm glad you're celebrating that and feeling great about how the hard work is paying off!!

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JACKELOPE 11/5/2010 4:08PM

    Fantastic blog post! I am also guilty of taking a million shots just to weed out that *one* perfect picture. :) I'm so glad to hear that you are able to appreciate all the hard work you've done - sometimes we're the last one to notice.

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Comment edited on: 11/5/2010 4:09:13 PM

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SLFRISBEY 11/5/2010 4:01PM

    You are a beautiful lady!

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KITHKINCAID 11/5/2010 3:54PM

    You DO have such a pretty face. But the rest of you is beautiful as well - inside & out!

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Too Much Thinking Can Be a BAD Thing!

Friday, November 05, 2010

So, yes. I'm frustrated. I'm moving on from it, but recording it here, for posterity and all that.

Over the past two days I've been avoiding the scale like the plague. I used to weigh-in every morning, but after hearing so much about how bad that is, I decided to take the week off and see if that helped me at all. And then I had this long conversation in my head last night about it and I realized that those little checks every morning seem to keep me in line. I couldn't hold off any longer, I had to know if I was getting ANYWHERE this week as far as the numbers were concerned. I mean, let's face it, it's been a semi-light week for exercise, other than my blowout, overboard performance on Tuesday night. Wednesday I did a few laps around the office during the day, and then I skipped pilates. I was super, super, super tired. Hubs was worried I would fall asleep driving home. My body was beyond spent from the night before. Yesterday, I tried, I really did. I walked during my first two breaks, but I kept getting tired a lot faster than usual. And when I went to do my ST exercises in my office, I got through half of them before my stomach just started to really hurt. So I stopped. And while I tried to fit in my lunges later, I didn't get all 20 in, I missed a plank and a modified plank, and I didn't do a single push-up. Still, I didn't feel like a total failure, because I did stuff, and I stuck to my calorie goals. (Yesterday I was actually under, but the stupid TOM hit hard and I can't stomach much food when that happens.)

So this morning I hop on the scale with no clue as to what to expect (I also don't like this part! I used to pretty much know what I was probably going to see on the scale every morning. I got surprises now and again, but I was starting to learn how heavy my body felt and how that translated as far as the numbers were concerned). 344.2. *sigh* 344 is just another number I've been struggling with. I saw 343 once and then haven't seen the other side of 344 since. It's gotten on my last damn nerve!

I keep asking myself, what am I doing wrong? And while I could make improvements to the type of foods I eat, I'm sticking pretty much to what I should. And I've been drinking a crapton of water lately. And I've been working out, almost to the point of exhaustion, and then taking it slow for a few days, so I guess I could balance that time out more. (Honestly, I didn't go into Tuesday with the intention to overwork myself. It all sounded so fun! I mean, a whole day and night to myself! I didn't have a time limit and could do whatever I wanted for as long as I wanted...so I did. I *love* line dancing class and I love my Zumba. I'm not so overly keen on the super LOOONG ST workout right now, but I love the new stuff I get to try - like lifting dumbbells right next to the big muscly dudes, and doing the leg press machine. For me, it's just fun to try something new - and I can already start to see some improvement in my calf muscles!)

So just what am I doing SO wrong? *sigh* I knew the weight loss would start to slow down eventually, but when you still have over 100 pounds to lose, slowing down is the last thing you want to even consider. I should be able to maintain a 2 lb. a week pace. SHOULD. If I work the numbers I should be able to hit my goals. But the numbers don't always work. (And being in the second month of TOM and having it come and go as it pleases from one day to the next doesn't help!)

On November 1st I weighed in at 347.2 pounds. Technically I've lost 3 pounds in 5 days. But those first 2 pounds went away pretty quickly, and I knew they were basically a sodium-induced gain. I drank water and off they went. But to keep putting in the time and keep stressing over everything and still feel like I'm getting nowhere is getting tiring.

I'm not saying I'm going to stop doing what I'm doing. I actually enjoy the foods I eat now. I actually enjoy my gym time. I think there's another line dancing class tonight, so I'll likely hit that up again.

My size 24 jeans are mocking me every day.
My own brain fights with me over whether to work out or not.
I'm confused by everything right now.
And I *hate* *hate* *hate* feeling powerless.

What I'm not going to do?
* Overwork myself at the gym from now until "official" weigh-in on Sunday. That's counterproductive.
* Skip workouts out of spite. That's also counterproductive.
* Eat 15 candy bars because I'm sad. ...uhm, do I need to say it again?
* Stress myself out over every bite of food I put in my mouth. I can't live life that way, and I need to have a HEALTHY relationship with food, I'm not about to trade one unhealthy relationship for one of a different sort.
* Stop tracking. Counterproductive again.
* Change anything. I think one problem may be that I've been changing it up for so long my body is too confused to know what to think anymore. I'm getting back to a schedule and just sticking to what I know. That means line dancing tonight, my LDR (which will be short this week) tomorrow and ST.
* Try on those stupid 24s. Forget it! I hate those pants and I'm shoving them to the bottom of my drawer. I'll know when it's time when my other pants start getting super loose. Until then, forget about it!

Other things I should be thinking about instead:

emoticon Christmas.
I have done 0 Christmas shopping so far. Time is running away from me, and money is tight. I know that spreading out the shopping over time always helps me, so I need to get started on that ASAP. Going to have the kids sit down and write out some lists, and may go ahead and order the one thing I know I'm getting my mom.

emoticon The New Year
How do I want to celebrate this one? I'd love to go to a party with some friends, or just go out with Shane. We just never get to do that anymore and it's seriously stressing me out! The last time we went out at night, just the two of us, without a time limit, was the night before my graduation in MAY! I want to drink a drink and kiss my man and not worry about what this year is going to bring. I want to just feel hope for next year and pride in what I've accomplished in 2010.

emoticon A job
I'm still on the hunt for something that will either A) make me more money, or B) is in my chosen field, although C) both A and B would be nice. I need to make sure I'm doing everything I can to put myself out there. I need to seek out freelance writing gigs more. I need to figure out what my next step is and make that leap of faith to make it happen NOW. BTW - I have an interview next Friday, so I definitely need to work on putting my outfit together this weekend for that. Looked at a few stores the other day but they had nothing either in my size or that I liked. BLAH!

emoticon My Birthday
There's no question how my big 3-0 bash will be spent this year. My friend and I are headed to Vegas (my first time, her probably hundredth *lol*) from January 7-14th. (My birthday is the 8th...same as Elvis, thank you very much! ;) ) I need to plan out what I want to do and see...and I need to make a decision about that race I found that's on my birthday. Could be a really interesting way to bring on the 30s! I also need to make sure I'm putting enough money aside every paycheck so I can afford myself a great time. My only goal for my birthday evening is to find a club, have a drink, and dance my big butt off in style! I'd also love to see Phantom while I'm out there, but I don't know if that will happen. Oh, and I plan on spending 30 bucks in a casino on my birthday. Wish me luck that I hit a jackpot or something!! :)

emoticon My Anniversary
My husband and I were married on 02/02/02. That means that next February it will be 9 years of figuring it out, making it work, and, most days this year, just being in love. The last time we took an anniversary trip was a couple years ago. I don't want to go too big with this (maybe we'll save that for the big 1-0 next year!), but I would like to have a weekend away with my man so we can just be a couple. (Couple of whats, though, i don't know...bud dum cha! ;) ) I'm think B&B, but we've never stayed in one before and...I don't know if I feel comfortable. It's like staying in someone else's house or something. *shrug* I don't know. I would love to head up to New Milford, CT and the Washington, CT area, but that's a 10 hour drive and I don't much care to pay for airfare. So I'll have to find something a little closer. *pouts* (I love New Milford! We traveled through it last year or the year before and it is just this beautiful, quaint little town that reminds me so much of Gilmore Girls I want to die there on the green! People were so friendly too! And we ate at this amazing restaurant in Washington Depot named J.D. Tuckers that was wonderful! -- and the waiter was HAWT! *lol*) The dream trip would be a few days in New Milford in an inn/B&B there, take the train into NYC one day and just explore the city, just the two of us. Still, I doubt I can make that work this year so it may have to wait for next year. If anyone has any other thoughts within 5 hours or so of the Parkersburg area of WV, please let me know! And, no, I will not go skiing. With my knee, I don't even want to ATTEMPT skiing! (Plus, I'm accident-prone...don't feel the need to go putting my unstable legs on two sticks and then purposely shoving myself down a mountain...kthanks but nothanks!)

So I guess what I'm saying is, I need to refocus from getting through these numbers to living my life to the fullest. No more stress over 344 (still hate that number, much in the same way I hated 350...is this going to happen every 5 pounds now?!). No more stressing over size 24 jeans. Gonna try to focus on what's really important, and let the rest happen as it will.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ERIN4771 11/7/2010 9:58AM

    we have all been there, trust me....you can do all the right things and the scale will still laugh in your face for the day...soooo frustrating...but then you have an awesome workout, awesome weigh in and the scale gets put back in it's place....all you can do is keep moving forward and stop to pause every once in a while to enjoy what you have going on emoticon

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ATREAT4ME 11/6/2010 12:27PM

    What great advice you've already been given and what a wonderful way you already have of managing your emotions, environment and choices. Simply fantastic. Please, please take Mama's advice and go out with your DH. That'll relax and recharge you. Good luck and I hope you have plans for tonight!

Cheryl

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MAIA2011 11/5/2010 4:13PM

    I relate to the wild workout being counterproductive. I did over two hours in a frantic attempt to get to 1000 minutes for the month of October and now I have done a total of 60 minutes for the month of November so far.

I've been reading all the other comments to see what advice people have because I am stalled, too. It must be hard for you since you have had such success in the past. (Am I lucky that my efforts have had uniformly dismal results?)

I'm here for you!

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TEAM-SARAH 11/5/2010 4:04PM

    mmm I wrote a blog a while back with my opinions on weighing in... maybe the words will help?

http://www.sparkpeople
.com/mypage_public_journal_indi
vidual.asp?blog_id=3347529
<
BR>Weigh in however much it's beneficial to you! If it's not obsessive and unhealthy and it keeps you in check then more power to ya!

Just don't be too hard on yourself. Maybe you're having a harder week, but you're still doing what you can and moving forward. You're working out, you're trying hard, you're doing the best that you can do! Sounds like there's a lot to look forward to in the next 6 months :)

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DOLL2THEWALL 11/5/2010 1:51PM

    Oh hon, I'm so sorry you're stuck... the frustration is such a mental PITA. I hate it so much, and I don't wish it on anyone. Just hang in there, chica... hopefully your body will catch up soon.

PS - we're birthday twins (one year apart)! :)

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JEREMY723 11/5/2010 1:48PM

    Cleveland is 3 hours away. NOTABOUTTHEFACE just had a fun time here last weekend.

Not sure what special events there are that are good (http://eventful.com/cleveland/even
ts/categories/pick-dates?t=2011
012700-2011020723)
but we always have the art museum, history museum, rock and roll hall of fame, and tons of others. Could be quite snowy in early February though.

I have pernicious anemia and before being diagnosed was always tired. Felt like I could keep my eyes open on the way to work after a good night's sleep. After being refused when I tried to donate blood for low iron multiple times I went to the doctor. A B12 shot monthly for life has me feeling good. Just an idea.

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SLFRISBEY 11/5/2010 1:30PM

    I love your birthday plans!!! I wish I would have been able to celebrate my big 3-0 in style... Anyhow, since I used to live in Athens, OH (so close to Parkersburg, that's where we would go to find a "mall") you have so many places to go. I love, love, love Washington DC that's not too far. I know I am a dork but it's just such a cool old city! If you want something really close, you can head up I-77 (I think that's the one :\) to Amish country in Ohio. There are some really cute little towns up there. For instance there is one town named Charm if I haven't totally lost my mind. I'll try to think of some more places near by.

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MNGIRLIE 11/5/2010 1:29PM

    You've already gotten some great advice. What I do when I'm feeling bummed about not losing, i look through my calendar here on SP or my weight loss over time report. More than likely I'm RIGHT ON the red downward trending line and right on target. More than once I've determined how much I've lost per month and it always evens out. You're going to have slow weeks/days, but everything comes out in the wash.

I agree with Mama that you need to look back and see how far you've come! You'll feel like you're getting stuck now and then, but you always push through.

I'm a daily weigh-er too and I really think it helps me. I have done a good job though at not letting it dictate my mood so that's a good thing. Look through your sodium for the last few days. Was it high? Also with this hassle-y TOM it's sure to throw your system out of whack.

I hope you have a blast in Vegas. Get out there and boogie down! Also.. get out there for a quick evening alone with your hubby soon! You deserve it.

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CALLIKIA 11/5/2010 1:01PM

    For the record, Tuesday was too hard, and I admitted that to myself.

Also for the record, TOM was just MEAN yesterday. And I mean just yesterday. It comes and goes now (but I'm having more off days than on, thankfully!) but yesterday....Moses let down his hands and let the Pharoh and his posse drown in it baby! I honestly let myself off the hook because I felt physically ill, and I won't work out when I feel like I'm going to vomit. Sorry peeps. I've pushed through colds and the "idunwannas" but if I think I might vomit, I'm taking the day off!

I'ma figure it out, but for now I'm just going to do and not think so much. I think I think too much sometimes. ;)

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KITHKINCAID 11/5/2010 12:55PM

    Hey E: Couple of questions for you:

1) How hard is this? If it's hard and you hate it, it's not sustainable. Go for sustainability right now, not killing yourself for the numbers.

2) Do you have official REST days every week? Cause with the amount of exercise you're doing you NEED to rest. Seriously. I think you're pushing yourself too hard and your body is revolting.

Given that your system is trying to get used to a new birth control I might ask your doctor to make sure that you're not maybe just a bit anemic. Might explain the queasiness and exhaustion. Certainly it's not easy on the body to be in a perpetual state of TOM and maybe if you just relaxed a bit with your boot camp workouts, it might give the body a chance to regulate itself. You're NOT quitting, you're just regulating. None of us would ever accuse you of being lazy or quitting if you take a few days off. You're freaking Super Woman!

Comment edited on: 11/5/2010 12:56:36 PM

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MEGSFITNESS 11/5/2010 12:44PM

    *hugs*

Hate is a powerful motivator, but it is very harmful!

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MAMADWARF 11/5/2010 11:25AM

    Ok first of all, important things first:
VEGAS~!!!! Go to Carnival court. It is between Harrrahs and the Imperial palace. It is a huge outside bar with live music from about 2:00 every day and jsut being there is so entertaining! The bartenders do all this crazy stuff and the food and drinks are BOMB! You will guaranteed have a blast.

Also, do NOT wait until New years to go out with your man. Get a sitter and go out this weekend. Just go. Go to dinner, or a movie or a friggin walk. Just the two of you. You need that. Do it. Mama's orders.

Now, you have a plan for your nutrition (tracking is the best thing I do for myself), and excercise. I think a steady plan for a few weeks will probabably help settle down your body. You may have seriously sent it into shock with that superworkout the other day!

You have come a long way and I try not to think about how far I have to go. I do 5 pounds incrememnts. It is jsut too overwhelming. When I started if I had looked at losing over 110 pounds, I never would have got this far. Small steps, thats the trick.

I know you are anxious to keep losing, to make strides but take a minute and look back at how far you have come!! You have lost weight since November, so dont blow it off. It still counts!!
If weighing every day or a few times a week works for you ( I weigh about 3 times a week and it keeps me accountable), then do it! This is your journey! what works for someone else may not work for you.

You are doing amazing things, you have lost a lot, your family sees the healthy changes, you are so much more active than you were, you need to give yourself some KUDO'S! Start visualizing 339 in your head. Picture it, think about it, go get it! Get out of those 340's! You can do that. You can lose 5 pounds. Work towards that and you will get there a few pounds at a time. You are doing awesome and are a great motivator to many of us out here...

Comment edited on: 11/5/2010 11:27:27 AM

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MACILINN 11/5/2010 10:40AM

    good morning Callika, Oh girl you are doing good! You can do this! It is hard sometimes but doable! The thing that helps me wrap my mind around non losing wks,is that I average. I figure if I lose 1 pd a week (which is total success) regularly that adds up! Last wk I had a +2. Ouch but girl I am still ahead of the game, I have been sparking for almost 11 wks and have lost 15 pds. woohoo! (last wk it only totaled 13) but hey that's 13 or 15 down from where I was. Love your letter! Is it your Nov challenge letter? Did you read mine? if not ck out my sparkpage and click on (blogs) letter to myslef. I think it will inspire you. I know it did me. Happy Friday!

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_MSAPRIL17_ 11/5/2010 10:33AM

    First, ((((HUGS))))

Wow, are you in my head right now??? Keep in mind that TOM is a nasty A-hole and that might be having a bigger impact on things than you think. You are doing so many things right, but it does get hard sometimes.

Seeing you panic about Christmas sent my heart racing a little....but it's only November 5th, hun...we have time. We will get it done!!

And, were you describing my relationship??? DH and I were married in 02 also!! Boy, it's been more work than fun lately, but that's just how it goes sometimes right!?!?! Thanks for the reminder of that!!!

Big squishy hugs for you!!!! Keep that pretty chin up, you are doing so many positive things....it will start to smooth out soon, I promise!!!



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MAGPIE17 11/5/2010 10:13AM

    I know getting a little stuck can be really frustrating when you're working to lose weight, but sometimes it happens...and then you'll likely have a nice substantial loss and be right back in the game! Keep doing what you're doing and it'll happen!

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GOZEKIGRL 11/5/2010 10:10AM

    HUGZ!!
i know it can be tough. and not seeing the scale move is definitely a drag! you'll get there - and you'll get results! just stick with it!

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SARAWALKS 11/5/2010 10:00AM

    Living your life to the fullest! That's IT! And cut yourself some slack. You are truly on the right track and it is going to bring its results, maybe when you just relax about it all. I know what you mean about the changing up thing - I get bored too - but there are good things to be said about routines. You will find your balance! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SEEHOLZ 11/5/2010 9:52AM

    I love the turnaround in this blog- the STRESS could be a major culprit in holding you back in terms of weight loss-that certainly happens for me. Try to let go and live and see what happens- easier said than done, but your heart is in the right place here!

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Motivation vs. Volition

Thursday, November 04, 2010

"I envy your motivation."

I'm so sick of hearing this I could spit! Look, when people think of the word "motivation" they often think of this mystical creature, this invisible feeling that comes from God-knows-where, deep within our souls, that pushes us forward every day. It's the Jedi Force. It's the unicorn blood of Harry Potter. It's CRAP!

What is motivation anyway? I mean, what does it really mean? Psychoanalysts use this word to describe an intrinsic desire that is built within us, one that either keeps us alive (the desire to eat) or one that feeds our soul (our need for human bonding from time to time). Or, according to dictionary.com, it is “the process that arouses, sustains and regulates human and animal behavior." (Freud would likely also include our intrinsic desire to either become our mothers (females) or sleep with them (males), but we won’t go into that right now.) I’d also like to argue that while some of this I do see as being born within us (like the desire to find and consume food), others I see as nurtured. What our parents and the society at large teach us is important, we take on as a desire we must fulfill.

Now, sure, I have a desire to be skinny (because society says that’s important) and healthy (which is a survival instinct), but that desire doesn’t magically lead me to the gym after a 12 hour day to put in 1-2 more hours of work before returning home in just enough time to eat, decompress, and sleep so that I can do it again the next day. I’m sorry, Alex, wrong answer! Motivation is only going to get me so far and, let me just say, that kind of day is too much for motivation to take on all on its own.

What gets me to the gym over my desire for sleep, rest, bonding with family, and the need for relaxation is volition. What is volition? “A choice or decision made by the will." (Source: Dictionary.com) Truth is, the motivation you speak of has little to nothing to do with it! It's me! I get up and go to the gym when it's hard because I know that if I don't I could risk wasting yet another week being at or around 350. I do it because I know what the alternative is, and I don't like it - not one bit. But there's no magical carpet ride to the gym. I don't feel suddenly overcome by the overwhelming desire to just keep going. Some days it's easier than others, but most days, I drag my feet, I begrudge the look of that cold stone building, I glare at the skinny people with an ounce of jealousy, and I kick and scream (in my head) through my workout. I make that choice because I want to see results.

And the mental part? Yeah, my "motivation" doesn't want to touch that with a 10-foot pole! I often hear the saying, "It's 80% diet." Funny, nobody's ever mentioned what the other 20% is, but I think I know - it's mental and exercise...but I beg to differ on the stats. For me, it's 10% diet, 10% exercise, and 80% mental. Sure, you can lose weight without thinking too hard about it. Some nutritionist gives you a meal plan and you follow it, some personal trainer gives you a fitness regimen and you follow it, but that is not a sustainable weight loss program. Why? Because you're forgetting the most important part - what's in that jumbled head of yours! What made you get to this point? What drove you to stop? What's going to "motivate" you to keep going? Diet and exercise will only get you so far, but those mental ghosts have to be confronted if you ever want a chance of sustaining, overcoming, and continuing to learn and become a healthy person. My “motivation” wants to avoid the pain of these experiences and triggers, but my volition leads me to explore them because I think they are the key to eventual, sustainable success.

I don't want to be just another skinny person. There, i said it. Sure, it would have been great to have been born with the amazing metabolism that several of my friends enjoy (they can eat me under the table 3 times over and not gain a pound - you all have a friend like this, I promise you do. If you can't think of that friend, then it's you.), but there's more to life then just being skinny. What has my weight gotten me? What has this journey given me? Why do I feel like I'll be better off in the long run for having gone through all the pain this journey causes? Why do I use my volition when motivation fails me to continue on?

When this is over, I hope to not JUST be skinny.
I want to be an athlete.
I want to understand the human body.
I want to be an example to others that we can be what we want to be.
I want to know that I'm a fighter.
I want to know that I can go after what I want and achieve it.
I want to know it's not always going to be easy.
I want to remember what it felt like to be picked last in gym class.
I want to remember the stares, awful words, and painful memories.
I want to use those times of struggle in my times of triumph to humble me.
I want to build myself up with the dreams I let go.
I want to experience the world in a way few people dare to.
I want to feel a power within me and know that feeling is fleeting unless I stoke the fire.
I want to feel proud of my body because I worked so hard for it.
I want to know that food can not control how I live my life.
I want to know that food is not the enemy.
I want to know what it feels like to get better at something.
I want to know what it feels like to challenge my body to be stronger and faster.
I want to share my experience with others.
I want to hold hands and give words of encouragement.
I want to walk in a room with my head held high because I made myself.
I want to know that I had a say in my destiny.
And I want to always remember that it was me, not some mythical beast known as "motivation" that drove me to succeed.

And for all the classes I missed. And for all the classes I went to and enjoyed. And for all the classes I fought my way through. I want to know that I have nothing, I repeat, NOTHING to be ashamed of. I made myself who I am with bad choices, by sinking in and accepting my fate as a fat chick, by believing that I did not have the power to change. And today I am becoming the person I always wanted to be by challenging societal norms about women, about motivation, about fat people, about what I'm capable of and what I'm meant for. I don't criticize myself for what I was because it has made me who I am and who I will be. I don't think anyone could ever say it better than Maya Angelou:

“I don't know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes- it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, 'well, if I'd known better I'd have done better,' that's all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, 'I'm sorry,' and then you say to yourself, 'I'm sorry.' If we all hold on to the mistake, we can't see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can't see what we're capable of being. You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one's own self. I think that young men and women are so caught by the way they see themselves. Now mind you. When a larger society sees them as unattractive, as threats, as too black or too white or too poor or too fat or too thin or too sexual or too asexual, that's rough. But you can overcome that. The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don't have that we never grow, we never learn, and sure as hell we should never teach.”

So don't talk to me about motivation. Talk to me about how hard it is to struggle through and do it anyways. Tell me about the days when going to the gym or going for a run was as easy as breathing. And tell me about the days when your feet begged for mercy, begged to stay warmly tucked under your covers, and you fought the battle in your head between comfort and progress and won. Please, don't discredit the work you have done. Don't give yourself, your struggles, and your achievements up to this mythical "motivation" fairy. YOU put in the time. YOU put in the work. YOU deserve the credit. Of your own volition, you did it and continue to do it. When motivation fails, and we all know it does, use volition to carry you on.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SWEETS86 11/5/2010 5:53PM

    Thank you for posting. I have been trying to find the words to say the same thing to myself.

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ERIN4771 11/5/2010 9:43AM

    so true....and yes, i would like to slap the person that started the whole 80%, 20% thing....seriously!!!

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TEAM-SARAH 11/4/2010 4:31PM

    Easily one of your best yet :) Thanks for being an continual source of inspiration, and for having the writing talent to put it all out there. I remember when I first came across your page and your blogs and they hardly had any comments. I was like "This girl is an amazing writer and I can't believe she doesn't have more followers!" and I'm not surprised to see that now there are so many out there who follow your words. You're so level-headed and you're also human, relate-able, honest.

Sometimes I do feel like I've "lost my motivation" but it's really not a thing to be lost. It's like I wait for it to "come back to me" but it's always there when I want it. I definitely have those days I can't wait to go to the gym and those days where I have to struggle, and remember how much worse I've pushed myself through. Gotta celebrate the good and respect the bad :)



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ERIN1128 11/4/2010 3:42PM

    Awesome blog!!!

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KITHKINCAID 11/4/2010 3:01PM

    Fantastic blog! Well written girl. And well put! I don't have motivation MOST days. I have the voice in my head that says "get your ass out of bed anyway". In my blog last night I wrote about the voice that said "shut up and talk to me again when you're at 50 laps" when I was really tired and didn't want to do it. That's not motivation at all. So hurray - I guess I have volition too! And I agree with your breakdowns - 10% food, 10% exercise, 80% mental. That sounds just about right to me.

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FLWRCHLD97 11/4/2010 2:34PM

    I needed this blog, thank you! I asked about the difference between motivation and committment in an earlier blog I posted and I did not get very many responses.

I believe you hit the nail on the head and answered my question.

Thank you so much for posting this, and keeping it real!

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CORTNEY_NAMASTE 11/4/2010 1:41PM

    Can I get a AMEN!!!!!!

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CUTIECAT1 11/4/2010 1:36PM

    GREAT BLOG!!! nuff said cause there is nothing i can add to the great words you wrote!

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ATROTTIER 11/4/2010 12:47PM

    Great point! Stupid motivation and all it's requirements! LOL
I appreciate your realism in your blogs and it makes me feel better and normal when I'm fighting that motivation ogre and all the pressure of being motivated to keep going and it's true I do it on my own accord, my own will! Love this ideal! thanks so much again!
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MAMADWARF 11/4/2010 12:46PM

    It is comparable to commitment in marriage. When you are first infatuated, it propels you forward through your relationship into love. When love settles in, the glow is gone and you must act loving, not just feel loving. The commitment to stay when things are hard is what makes marriage work. It is an action, not a feeling. Motivation and commitment (and volition) are very different animals. Motivation may have helped sign us up but volition or commitmement, is what keeps us doing it every day.

Well said and well writtten. Jan

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 11/4/2010 12:19PM

    I really enjoy your blogs. They give me that little push I need some days. This one was exceptionally beneficial. Thank you.

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RIGBY31 11/4/2010 12:05PM

    Itsy-bitsy motivation helps me recognize I AM THE ONE who needs to get out and DO IT. Volition is the word of the day!
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MARLIMOO 11/4/2010 11:56AM

    Very true! KUDOS for the balance! I agree= it's a mental game mostly- I would say for me- 75% diet, 15% mental 10% exercise.

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ADVENTURE-GIRL 11/4/2010 11:39AM

    Right on! Motivation is definitely fleeting. Totally agree its 80% mental. Great blog

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_TRIXIE_ 11/4/2010 11:33AM

    "For me, it's 10% diet, 10% exercise, and 80% mental."

CAN I GET A "HELL YEAH?!"

We can have all the plans and routines our little workout binders can hold, but it's all crap. Each one of us has to drag our arses to the gym, or to the workout stuff in the basement and put in the hours. We have to earn the sweat rings on our t-shirts.

It's not motivation. You are 100% correct. I am not "motivated" to go workout, especially in the winter. No, I do it because it's a means to an end. It's a job, just like going to work and making sure the dog gets walked. It's something I choose to do for me and I have to remind myself. I'm not genetically predisposed to smiling during workouts. Instead, my mind and body are hard wired to hibernate and/or stay on the couch. I use my own VOLITION to unlearn these behaviors.

And it's hard.

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CALLIKIA 11/4/2010 11:25AM

    I know a lot of people have written on motivation already. I'm not the first one to reject the "motivation" theory, that's for sure. I hadn't intended on writing this at all...it was more word vomit than anything. *lol*

And, just for the record, that comment was not from anyone on here. It was a FB comment I got last night when I admitted I WASN'T going to pilates class. It made me question the word....how can someone envy my motivation when I opted OUT of class? *scratches head*

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MAGPIE17 11/4/2010 11:19AM

    Ah-men!

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MRSSIBRAT 11/4/2010 11:17AM

    this reminds me of my blog I wrote a couple weeks ago " what motivation and unicorns have in common"

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MICHELLESMILES_ 11/4/2010 10:51AM

    Great blog !! emoticon

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CAROBEAR1 11/4/2010 10:50AM

    Thank you for this blog.
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YMARIER 11/4/2010 10:43AM

    I appreciate all your comments and what you are feeling!!! We each need to find that something to get us to our goals. Volition is the accurate description for the "work" that needs to be done. Some of us have journeys that require only a few changes to our lifestyles and others are in the fight of their lifetime! For some it isn't so much an emotional journey as just a slight confidence booster. For others it is a battle for self esteem. We are all individuals with different baggage and we can all benefit from making ourselves happy and healthier. Your blog, like others, helps us to understand how this predicament effects and changes us all. Thank you.

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YMARIER 11/4/2010 10:43AM

    I appreciate all your comments and what you are feeling!!! We each need to find that something to get us to our goals. Volition is the accurate description for the "work" that needs to be done. Some of us have journeys that require only a few changes to our lifestyles and others are in the fight of their lifetime! For some it isn't so much an emotional journey as just a slight confidence booster. For others it is a battle for self esteem. We are all individuals with different baggage and we can all benefit from making ourselves happy and healthier. Your blog, like others, helps us to understand how this predicament effects and changes us all. Thank you.

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YMARIER 11/4/2010 10:41AM

    I appreciate all your comments and what you are feeling!!! We each need to find that something to get us to our goals. Volition is the accurate description for the "work" that needs to be done. Some of us have journeys that require only a few changes to our lifestyles and others are in the fight of their lifetime! For some it isn't so much an emotional journey as just a slight confidence booster. For others it is a battle for self esteem. We are all individuals with different baggage and we can all benefit from making ourselves happy and healthier. Your blog, like others, helps us to understand how this predicament effects and changes us all. Thank you.

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TIGERJANE 11/4/2010 10:38AM

    "YOU put in the time. YOU put in the work. YOU deserve the credit. Of your own volition, you did it and continue to do it. When motivation fails, and we all know it does, use volition to carry you on."

This is going on my page as one of my quotes. Such great writing, and soooo inspiring! You should really think about becoming a coach!

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MAIA2011 11/4/2010 10:30AM

    Well, then, I don't admire you for your motivation anymore. I admire you for doing planks. You are already an athlete!

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GOZEKIGRL 11/4/2010 10:27AM

    OMG I LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS BLOG CAL!!

this line: "(they can eat me under the table 3 times over and not gain a pound - you all have a friend like this, I promise you do. If you can't think of that friend, then it's you.)" made me laugh REALLY hard! i totally know people like that. lol

GREAT super FANTASTICAL blog!

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KARVY09 11/4/2010 10:26AM

    Awesome blog. Preach it. This is so true.

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READINESSISALL 11/4/2010 10:24AM

  Love this blog!!!!!!!!

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Woah-Man Overboard!!

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

I was so excited yesterday to have a day off from work that didn't have to include a day off from the gym. (Hate it when my gym closes for holidays, but I understand...) I knew I wanted to renew my Zumba muscles and that I had to ST, but I also knew I really wanted to try another line dancing class.

Logan and I showed up at the gym around 4:45pm. I figured if I hopped on the treadmill for 15 minutes and warm-up my limbs a little, I could go ahead and shove in my ST routine before my classes.

ST Tally for November (thus far):
1/13 ST Sessions
150/1800 crunches
30/360 modified push-ups
I then proceeded downstairs and got to all but 3 of the machines on my list. Only concern was my right tricep, which was sore and hurting most of the time. I did what I could, but tried not to push it too hard.
Machines missed: 2 hip machines and bicep curl machine

I forgot my planks. *pout*

Line dancing was going really well. It was a lot more fast-paced than Friday's class (mainly because Friday's class is "line dancing for beginners" *lol*) but I kept up pretty well...until song number 3, that is. I don't even remember what move we were doing but I felt that familiar jiggle and pop in my left knee and when I tried to take the next step, I could tell the stupid thing was out. I thought about crying. I thought about collapsing in the corner. And then I politely told my son I'd be back, walked around the corner where no one could see, slid my back down the wall, popped the stupid thing back in, and then did a few laps around the track to test it. Surprisingly, it didn't feel too bad. I knew I could be playing with fire, but I figured it was worth the attempt to try to get back into class.

My moves were slow and I had to modify a few things, and the pain in my knee made me concentrate even more on my body, which always = a better workout. (Bonus?) I made it through the rest of class without too many troubles. There were times I nearly cried out of anger and frustration, but I pushed that aside and focused on doing what I could, making small steps, keeping off my heel (which seems to trigger my knee even more). I took another brake a little later and went downstairs to wrap the knee, hopeful that would help (and it did, though I hate those stupid wraps because they like to move and roll and cause discomfort) and then I finished the class and sat down in the corner to breathe.

I both did and did not want to Zumba now. I know how much I missed it last week, and I knew I would miss Thursday's class because of stupid work, so this was my last chance for a while with our regular instructor (she's getting married and going on her honeymoon). So I promised myself to do as much as I could, and when it hurt or I felt too tired, I could stop. And nearly did stop about 30 minutes in...and then she announced that she'd be taking measurements again after class. *sigh* I'd have to stick around for that anyways, might as well finish out the last 15 minutes of class. It was a difficult 3-4 songs, and she was extra bouncy last night, but I stuck with modifications where I needed to, kept my steps small and just did what I could.

And do you know what happened? Nothing. I survived. I didn't die. I felt sore everywhere, and promised myself I wouldn't do 2 classes in a row like that WITH ST for a WHILE! I went a little overboard, but I think from time to time we have to push past our limits, just to see where they are. And I learned that I was letting my knee have too much say over what I could do. Every time I work out on it after an incident, it gets stronger and heals quicker. I didn't even HAVE a "loose" period this time. I eliminated an entire step in my usual process of recovery. Still, I went overboard, and I recognize that....especially after the night I had.

I can't describe it, and I don't really know what it was, but I just felt....wrong. There was something not right. My circulation was a little off, my body felt extremely heavy, and I just had this sense that something wasn't right. After laying in bed for an hour, I got up and checked on all the kids and critters...just to be sure. And then I sat down and told Hubs what was happening, only, I couldn't quite explain it. I felt like my coloring was off and my body temperature. I took some Advil and drank some water, but it wasn't until I tasted the sweetness of the Diet Dr. Pepper I was using to induce burping, thinking it could be some strange gaseous event, when I realized that, perhaps, my body needed more "fuel" as they say. I thought it might have been a drop in my blood sugar or something, and I had the calories to cover something sweet, and I was willing to do just about anything to stop that feeling of overwhelming dread or whatever. So I ate a Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pie. I don't know if that was the problem, but I did start feeling a little better soon after. (Could have been the Advil kicking in..or the water I drank....*shrugs*) I went back to bed and go up feeling sore, but fine.

Now PLEASE note this - I'm putting this in my blog so I can remember what happened. What I don't need right now is someone stopping by and telling me I have cancer or something, because my hypochondriac self might just believe it. If you have a minor thought or suggestion, that's fine, but try not to freak me out too much. In my family, we don't take a lot of medicine for one reason - we believe in listening to the body. My body was trying to tell me something, and I'm not quite sure what it was, but I gave it something that settled it. If it ever happens again, I'll know what to try and, perhaps, narrow it down a little more. I did not feel like my life was in danger. My heart seemed to be pumping fine and I wasn't out of breath. Nothing "hurt" except what I had overworked at the gym. It may not be the way you handle things, but it's how we do it. Listening to my body has been so important to me, and this is just another example of that.

Anyhow, feeling better now. Sore, yes. Took a couple Advil again for the muscle soreness (I didn't stretch enough either...I'm sure of it!). Plan for the night is to rush home after work, go drop off Ethan's football equipment (we just "rent" it for the season) and probably cry a lot at the thought of not seeing these people again until next season, and then go to pilates at 7:30pm. I'm not expecting much from myself tonight in class...and I reserve the right to modify the hell out of everything they throw at me, and I reserve the right to leave early if I feel I need to and/or my body isn't up to it. I even reserve the right to NOT GO if I don't want to....there's always next week. I pushed too hard last night, so for tonight I'm going to take it easy, but I'm going to still work out. Why?

I'm 2/30 for my 30 in 30 workouts for November. But even a 15 minute walk down the street will work for my 30 in 30. Those are what I call my "rest" days....more like slow days.

Oh, and one final note -- It was SOOOOOOO hard to not weigh in this morning! I kept staring at the scale going, "I could just peek!" But I didn't. I stayed away (probably good...it's probably up today from that overboard workout yesterday!).

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MRSSIBRAT 11/4/2010 7:39AM

    thats normal girl..you might have just not eatin enough before your workout and your blood sugar bottemed out. Try taking a protein bar with you to the gym or an apple or anything really just in case this happens again!

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BAYBELIEVER 11/3/2010 11:52PM

    I feel off some after workouts too! One day I walked in the morning and when I went to go swimming I felt like I was swimming with lead blocks in my suit! I also try very hard to lsiten to my body and believe that when I feel this way it is tired. I also take to heart what the articles hear say about eating carbs after a workout. So, while I tend to try to avoid carbs at other times, I use the time after workouts to put them in: apples, bananas, breads, etc. I think you did great! Of course, I always think you do great! And look at that knee recovering oh so much faster! Yay!

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RAVENSONG37 11/3/2010 10:38PM

    I'm really so proud of you. Great work babe!

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RIGBY31 11/3/2010 4:45PM

    Listen to you... listening to your body. A stroke of genius! Glad you're feeling better.
emoticon

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CHICAT63 11/3/2010 3:15PM

    Sounds like you did not eat enough, or carbs. As much it is too eat right, you need to enough enough for the daily tasks, workouts you do. Since you have doubled up on the cardio side of things, you definately needed an extra snack + water. Glad to hear your knee is doing better and you too.

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SARAWALKS 11/3/2010 3:09PM

    Well done! Listening to your body is always the safest way. You know this knee of yours better than anyone else does, at this point. And the carb hunger makes total sense to me. That's what carbs are there for! emoticon emoticon

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KITHKINCAID 11/3/2010 3:00PM

    I've totally had that "flu like" feeling after a particularly intense work out. I literally thought I was going to die. Got the cold sweats and everything. Then I ate something - put on my track suit and 3 blankets (in the middle of the summer) and went to bed. I woke up feeling awesome the next morning. I agree - blood sugar thing - you're just fine :)

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SUGARSMOM2 11/3/2010 2:38PM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MAGPIE17 11/3/2010 2:32PM

    I wasn't feeling right on Monday night either. I ate half a bag of salt and vinegar chips (a slightly healthier version than normal chips, but still) and slept for an hour, and I was back on track. Maybe my body needed the extra carbs and fat. Maybe it was a mental thing. Maybe it was the sleep that fixed it. I don't know, I don't care. Sometimes our body just needs what it needs :). Glad your knee didn't sideline you, too!

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CALLIKIA 11/3/2010 2:09PM

    Awww! Thanks for telling me I don't have cancer! I feel much better now! :) I used to be horrible with the hypochondriac thing...it stemmed from my ability to lie to hide my true self and situation from others and the need for attention. While it's gotten much better, I still have my moments of freak out if someone just suggests I've got something-or-other wrong. I once induced a panic attack because I was worried I would have a a heart attack....FYI - panic attacks carry similar symptoms! *lol*

Oh, and I don't recommend working out when really injured, but I've been playing with this idea of just "getting through it" on my knee, since I've had this problem for years and years. So far so good, but I would have never known if I hadn't tried, right?

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TEAM-SARAH 11/3/2010 2:00PM

    It's normal to feel a little "off" sometimes after a workout. I doubt you have cancer hehe. It probably was just a blood sugar thing, that happens to me when I push it too hard and don't eat enough. Sounds like you had an INTENSE workout. Be sure to take care of your knee though. You don't want to risk injuring yourself to get through a long workout, and then have to take time off because you're hurt! I admire your determination. Keep listening to your body and you'll be fine

PS: mmmm Oatmeal cream pies are one of my favorites :)

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40PLUSANDFIT 11/3/2010 1:36PM

    Sounds like you were just carb depleted.. .sounds like little debbie did the trick. and doing a light workout after a heavy one is fine. Sounds like your body told you I need it NOW and you responded. You're fine. Great job.

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SEEHOLZ 11/3/2010 12:53PM

    You are tough- I can't imagine having to pop my knee back... I hope I don't ever have to do it, but I agree about pushing past bounderies to see what you're made of and where bounderies are. My biggest problem is that I might feel fine doing something, yet pay for it badly the next day- wtf? It's all injury related and I know that, but still, it's super frustrating...

Do what's right for you- you know yourself best.

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MEGSFITNESS 11/3/2010 12:31PM

    I'm so glad that your knee was -better- after you took care of it rather than worse. I'm too chicken to work out on an injury =x

To the rest? I'll keep my thoughts to myself *huggles*

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