Friday, November 05, 2010
So, yes. I'm frustrated. I'm moving on from it, but recording it here, for posterity and all that.
Over the past two days I've been avoiding the scale like the plague. I used to weigh-in every morning, but after hearing so much about how bad that is, I decided to take the week off and see if that helped me at all. And then I had this long conversation in my head last night about it and I realized that those little checks every morning seem to keep me in line. I couldn't hold off any longer, I had to know if I was getting ANYWHERE this week as far as the numbers were concerned. I mean, let's face it, it's been a semi-light week for exercise, other than my blowout, overboard performance on Tuesday night. Wednesday I did a few laps around the office during the day, and then I skipped pilates. I was super, super, super tired. Hubs was worried I would fall asleep driving home. My body was beyond spent from the night before. Yesterday, I tried, I really did. I walked during my first two breaks, but I kept getting tired a lot faster than usual. And when I went to do my ST exercises in my office, I got through half of them before my stomach just started to really hurt. So I stopped. And while I tried to fit in my lunges later, I didn't get all 20 in, I missed a plank and a modified plank, and I didn't do a single push-up. Still, I didn't feel like a total failure, because I did stuff, and I stuck to my calorie goals. (Yesterday I was actually under, but the stupid TOM hit hard and I can't stomach much food when that happens.)
So this morning I hop on the scale with no clue as to what to expect (I also don't like this part! I used to pretty much know what I was probably going to see on the scale every morning. I got surprises now and again, but I was starting to learn how heavy my body felt and how that translated as far as the numbers were concerned). 344.2. *sigh* 344 is just another number I've been struggling with. I saw 343 once and then haven't seen the other side of 344 since. It's gotten on my last damn nerve!
I keep asking myself, what am I doing wrong? And while I could make improvements to the type of foods I eat, I'm sticking pretty much to what I should. And I've been drinking a crapton of water lately. And I've been working out, almost to the point of exhaustion, and then taking it slow for a few days, so I guess I could balance that time out more. (Honestly, I didn't go into Tuesday with the intention to overwork myself. It all sounded so fun! I mean, a whole day and night to myself! I didn't have a time limit and could do whatever I wanted for as long as I wanted...so I did. I *love* line dancing class and I love my Zumba. I'm not so overly keen on the super LOOONG ST workout right now, but I love the new stuff I get to try - like lifting dumbbells right next to the big muscly dudes, and doing the leg press machine. For me, it's just fun to try something new - and I can already start to see some improvement in my calf muscles!)
So just what am I doing SO wrong? *sigh* I knew the weight loss would start to slow down eventually, but when you still have over 100 pounds to lose, slowing down is the last thing you want to even consider. I should be able to maintain a 2 lb. a week pace. SHOULD. If I work the numbers I should be able to hit my goals. But the numbers don't always work. (And being in the second month of TOM and having it come and go as it pleases from one day to the next doesn't help!)
On November 1st I weighed in at 347.2 pounds. Technically I've lost 3 pounds in 5 days. But those first 2 pounds went away pretty quickly, and I knew they were basically a sodium-induced gain. I drank water and off they went. But to keep putting in the time and keep stressing over everything and still feel like I'm getting nowhere is getting tiring.
I'm not saying I'm going to stop doing what I'm doing. I actually enjoy the foods I eat now. I actually enjoy my gym time. I think there's another line dancing class tonight, so I'll likely hit that up again.
My size 24 jeans are mocking me every day.
My own brain fights with me over whether to work out or not.
I'm confused by everything right now.
And I *hate* *hate* *hate* feeling powerless.
What I'm not going to do?
* Overwork myself at the gym from now until "official" weigh-in on Sunday. That's counterproductive.
* Skip workouts out of spite. That's also counterproductive.
* Eat 15 candy bars because I'm sad. ...uhm, do I need to say it again?
* Stress myself out over every bite of food I put in my mouth. I can't live life that way, and I need to have a HEALTHY relationship with food, I'm not about to trade one unhealthy relationship for one of a different sort.
* Stop tracking. Counterproductive again.
* Change anything. I think one problem may be that I've been changing it up for so long my body is too confused to know what to think anymore. I'm getting back to a schedule and just sticking to what I know. That means line dancing tonight, my LDR (which will be short this week) tomorrow and ST.
* Try on those stupid 24s. Forget it! I hate those pants and I'm shoving them to the bottom of my drawer. I'll know when it's time when my other pants start getting super loose. Until then, forget about it!
Other things I should be thinking about instead:
I have done 0 Christmas shopping so far. Time is running away from me, and money is tight. I know that spreading out the shopping over time always helps me, so I need to get started on that ASAP. Going to have the kids sit down and write out some lists, and may go ahead and order the one thing I know I'm getting my mom.
The New Year
How do I want to celebrate this one? I'd love to go to a party with some friends, or just go out with Shane. We just never get to do that anymore and it's seriously stressing me out! The last time we went out at night, just the two of us, without a time limit, was the night before my graduation in MAY! I want to drink a drink and kiss my man and not worry about what this year is going to bring. I want to just feel hope for next year and pride in what I've accomplished in 2010.
I'm still on the hunt for something that will either A) make me more money, or B) is in my chosen field, although C) both A and B would be nice. I need to make sure I'm doing everything I can to put myself out there. I need to seek out freelance writing gigs more. I need to figure out what my next step is and make that leap of faith to make it happen NOW. BTW - I have an interview next Friday, so I definitely need to work on putting my outfit together this weekend for that. Looked at a few stores the other day but they had nothing either in my size or that I liked. BLAH!
There's no question how my big 3-0 bash will be spent this year. My friend and I are headed to Vegas (my first time, her probably hundredth *lol*) from January 7-14th. (My birthday is the 8th...same as Elvis, thank you very much! ;) ) I need to plan out what I want to do and see...and I need to make a decision about that race I found that's on my birthday. Could be a really interesting way to bring on the 30s! I also need to make sure I'm putting enough money aside every paycheck so I can afford myself a great time. My only goal for my birthday evening is to find a club, have a drink, and dance my big butt off in style! I'd also love to see Phantom while I'm out there, but I don't know if that will happen. Oh, and I plan on spending 30 bucks in a casino on my birthday. Wish me luck that I hit a jackpot or something!! :)
My husband and I were married on 02/02/02. That means that next February it will be 9 years of figuring it out, making it work, and, most days this year, just being in love. The last time we took an anniversary trip was a couple years ago. I don't want to go too big with this (maybe we'll save that for the big 1-0 next year!), but I would like to have a weekend away with my man so we can just be a couple. (Couple of whats, though, i don't know...bud dum cha! ;) ) I'm think B&B, but we've never stayed in one before and...I don't know if I feel comfortable. It's like staying in someone else's house or something. *shrug* I don't know. I would love to head up to New Milford, CT and the Washington, CT area, but that's a 10 hour drive and I don't much care to pay for airfare. So I'll have to find something a little closer. *pouts* (I love New Milford! We traveled through it last year or the year before and it is just this beautiful, quaint little town that reminds me so much of Gilmore Girls I want to die there on the green! People were so friendly too! And we ate at this amazing restaurant in Washington Depot named J.D. Tuckers that was wonderful! -- and the waiter was HAWT! *lol*) The dream trip would be a few days in New Milford in an inn/B&B there, take the train into NYC one day and just explore the city, just the two of us. Still, I doubt I can make that work this year so it may have to wait for next year. If anyone has any other thoughts within 5 hours or so of the Parkersburg area of WV, please let me know! And, no, I will not go skiing. With my knee, I don't even want to ATTEMPT skiing! (Plus, I'm accident-prone...don't feel the need to go putting my unstable legs on two sticks and then purposely shoving myself down a mountain...kthanks but nothanks!)
So I guess what I'm saying is, I need to refocus from getting through these numbers to living my life to the fullest. No more stress over 344 (still hate that number, much in the same way I hated 350...is this going to happen every 5 pounds now?!). No more stressing over size 24 jeans. Gonna try to focus on what's really important, and let the rest happen as it will.
Thursday, November 04, 2010
"I envy your motivation."
I'm so sick of hearing this I could spit! Look, when people think of the word "motivation" they often think of this mystical creature, this invisible feeling that comes from God-knows-where, deep within our souls, that pushes us forward every day. It's the Jedi Force. It's the unicorn blood of Harry Potter. It's CRAP!
What is motivation anyway? I mean, what does it really mean? Psychoanalysts use this word to describe an intrinsic desire that is built within us, one that either keeps us alive (the desire to eat) or one that feeds our soul (our need for human bonding from time to time). Or, according to dictionary.com, it is “the process that arouses, sustains and regulates human and animal behavior." (Freud would likely also include our intrinsic desire to either become our mothers (females) or sleep with them (males), but we won’t go into that right now.) I’d also like to argue that while some of this I do see as being born within us (like the desire to find and consume food), others I see as nurtured. What our parents and the society at large teach us is important, we take on as a desire we must fulfill.
Now, sure, I have a desire to be skinny (because society says that’s important) and healthy (which is a survival instinct), but that desire doesn’t magically lead me to the gym after a 12 hour day to put in 1-2 more hours of work before returning home in just enough time to eat, decompress, and sleep so that I can do it again the next day. I’m sorry, Alex, wrong answer! Motivation is only going to get me so far and, let me just say, that kind of day is too much for motivation to take on all on its own.
What gets me to the gym over my desire for sleep, rest, bonding with family, and the need for relaxation is volition. What is volition? “A choice or decision made by the will." (Source: Dictionary.com) Truth is, the motivation you speak of has little to nothing to do with it! It's me! I get up and go to the gym when it's hard because I know that if I don't I could risk wasting yet another week being at or around 350. I do it because I know what the alternative is, and I don't like it - not one bit. But there's no magical carpet ride to the gym. I don't feel suddenly overcome by the overwhelming desire to just keep going. Some days it's easier than others, but most days, I drag my feet, I begrudge the look of that cold stone building, I glare at the skinny people with an ounce of jealousy, and I kick and scream (in my head) through my workout. I make that choice because I want to see results.
And the mental part? Yeah, my "motivation" doesn't want to touch that with a 10-foot pole! I often hear the saying, "It's 80% diet." Funny, nobody's ever mentioned what the other 20% is, but I think I know - it's mental and exercise...but I beg to differ on the stats. For me, it's 10% diet, 10% exercise, and 80% mental. Sure, you can lose weight without thinking too hard about it. Some nutritionist gives you a meal plan and you follow it, some personal trainer gives you a fitness regimen and you follow it, but that is not a sustainable weight loss program. Why? Because you're forgetting the most important part - what's in that jumbled head of yours! What made you get to this point? What drove you to stop? What's going to "motivate" you to keep going? Diet and exercise will only get you so far, but those mental ghosts have to be confronted if you ever want a chance of sustaining, overcoming, and continuing to learn and become a healthy person. My “motivation” wants to avoid the pain of these experiences and triggers, but my volition leads me to explore them because I think they are the key to eventual, sustainable success.
I don't want to be just another skinny person. There, i said it. Sure, it would have been great to have been born with the amazing metabolism that several of my friends enjoy (they can eat me under the table 3 times over and not gain a pound - you all have a friend like this, I promise you do. If you can't think of that friend, then it's you.), but there's more to life then just being skinny. What has my weight gotten me? What has this journey given me? Why do I feel like I'll be better off in the long run for having gone through all the pain this journey causes? Why do I use my volition when motivation fails me to continue on?
When this is over, I hope to not JUST be skinny.
I want to be an athlete.
I want to understand the human body.
I want to be an example to others that we can be what we want to be.
I want to know that I'm a fighter.
I want to know that I can go after what I want and achieve it.
I want to know it's not always going to be easy.
I want to remember what it felt like to be picked last in gym class.
I want to remember the stares, awful words, and painful memories.
I want to use those times of struggle in my times of triumph to humble me.
I want to build myself up with the dreams I let go.
I want to experience the world in a way few people dare to.
I want to feel a power within me and know that feeling is fleeting unless I stoke the fire.
I want to feel proud of my body because I worked so hard for it.
I want to know that food can not control how I live my life.
I want to know that food is not the enemy.
I want to know what it feels like to get better at something.
I want to know what it feels like to challenge my body to be stronger and faster.
I want to share my experience with others.
I want to hold hands and give words of encouragement.
I want to walk in a room with my head held high because I made myself.
I want to know that I had a say in my destiny.
And I want to always remember that it was me, not some mythical beast known as "motivation" that drove me to succeed.
And for all the classes I missed. And for all the classes I went to and enjoyed. And for all the classes I fought my way through. I want to know that I have nothing, I repeat, NOTHING to be ashamed of. I made myself who I am with bad choices, by sinking in and accepting my fate as a fat chick, by believing that I did not have the power to change. And today I am becoming the person I always wanted to be by challenging societal norms about women, about motivation, about fat people, about what I'm capable of and what I'm meant for. I don't criticize myself for what I was because it has made me who I am and who I will be. I don't think anyone could ever say it better than Maya Angelou:
“I don't know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes- it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, 'well, if I'd known better I'd have done better,' that's all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, 'I'm sorry,' and then you say to yourself, 'I'm sorry.' If we all hold on to the mistake, we can't see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can't see what we're capable of being. You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one's own self. I think that young men and women are so caught by the way they see themselves. Now mind you. When a larger society sees them as unattractive, as threats, as too black or too white or too poor or too fat or too thin or too sexual or too asexual, that's rough. But you can overcome that. The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don't have that we never grow, we never learn, and sure as hell we should never teach.”
So don't talk to me about motivation. Talk to me about how hard it is to struggle through and do it anyways. Tell me about the days when going to the gym or going for a run was as easy as breathing. And tell me about the days when your feet begged for mercy, begged to stay warmly tucked under your covers, and you fought the battle in your head between comfort and progress and won. Please, don't discredit the work you have done. Don't give yourself, your struggles, and your achievements up to this mythical "motivation" fairy. YOU put in the time. YOU put in the work. YOU deserve the credit. Of your own volition, you did it and continue to do it. When motivation fails, and we all know it does, use volition to carry you on.
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
I was so excited yesterday to have a day off from work that didn't have to include a day off from the gym. (Hate it when my gym closes for holidays, but I understand...) I knew I wanted to renew my Zumba muscles and that I had to ST, but I also knew I really wanted to try another line dancing class.
Logan and I showed up at the gym around 4:45pm. I figured if I hopped on the treadmill for 15 minutes and warm-up my limbs a little, I could go ahead and shove in my ST routine before my classes.
ST Tally for November (thus far):
1/13 ST Sessions
30/360 modified push-ups
I then proceeded downstairs and got to all but 3 of the machines on my list. Only concern was my right tricep, which was sore and hurting most of the time. I did what I could, but tried not to push it too hard.
Machines missed: 2 hip machines and bicep curl machine
I forgot my planks. *pout*
Line dancing was going really well. It was a lot more fast-paced than Friday's class (mainly because Friday's class is "line dancing for beginners" *lol*) but I kept up pretty well...until song number 3, that is. I don't even remember what move we were doing but I felt that familiar jiggle and pop in my left knee and when I tried to take the next step, I could tell the stupid thing was out. I thought about crying. I thought about collapsing in the corner. And then I politely told my son I'd be back, walked around the corner where no one could see, slid my back down the wall, popped the stupid thing back in, and then did a few laps around the track to test it. Surprisingly, it didn't feel too bad. I knew I could be playing with fire, but I figured it was worth the attempt to try to get back into class.
My moves were slow and I had to modify a few things, and the pain in my knee made me concentrate even more on my body, which always = a better workout. (Bonus?) I made it through the rest of class without too many troubles. There were times I nearly cried out of anger and frustration, but I pushed that aside and focused on doing what I could, making small steps, keeping off my heel (which seems to trigger my knee even more). I took another brake a little later and went downstairs to wrap the knee, hopeful that would help (and it did, though I hate those stupid wraps because they like to move and roll and cause discomfort) and then I finished the class and sat down in the corner to breathe.
I both did and did not want to Zumba now. I know how much I missed it last week, and I knew I would miss Thursday's class because of stupid work, so this was my last chance for a while with our regular instructor (she's getting married and going on her honeymoon). So I promised myself to do as much as I could, and when it hurt or I felt too tired, I could stop. And nearly did stop about 30 minutes in...and then she announced that she'd be taking measurements again after class. *sigh* I'd have to stick around for that anyways, might as well finish out the last 15 minutes of class. It was a difficult 3-4 songs, and she was extra bouncy last night, but I stuck with modifications where I needed to, kept my steps small and just did what I could.
And do you know what happened? Nothing. I survived. I didn't die. I felt sore everywhere, and promised myself I wouldn't do 2 classes in a row like that WITH ST for a WHILE! I went a little overboard, but I think from time to time we have to push past our limits, just to see where they are. And I learned that I was letting my knee have too much say over what I could do. Every time I work out on it after an incident, it gets stronger and heals quicker. I didn't even HAVE a "loose" period this time. I eliminated an entire step in my usual process of recovery. Still, I went overboard, and I recognize that....especially after the night I had.
I can't describe it, and I don't really know what it was, but I just felt....wrong. There was something not right. My circulation was a little off, my body felt extremely heavy, and I just had this sense that something wasn't right. After laying in bed for an hour, I got up and checked on all the kids and critters...just to be sure. And then I sat down and told Hubs what was happening, only, I couldn't quite explain it. I felt like my coloring was off and my body temperature. I took some Advil and drank some water, but it wasn't until I tasted the sweetness of the Diet Dr. Pepper I was using to induce burping, thinking it could be some strange gaseous event, when I realized that, perhaps, my body needed more "fuel" as they say. I thought it might have been a drop in my blood sugar or something, and I had the calories to cover something sweet, and I was willing to do just about anything to stop that feeling of overwhelming dread or whatever. So I ate a Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pie. I don't know if that was the problem, but I did start feeling a little better soon after. (Could have been the Advil kicking in..or the water I drank....*shrugs*) I went back to bed and go up feeling sore, but fine.
Now PLEASE note this - I'm putting this in my blog so I can remember what happened. What I don't need right now is someone stopping by and telling me I have cancer or something, because my hypochondriac self might just believe it. If you have a minor thought or suggestion, that's fine, but try not to freak me out too much. In my family, we don't take a lot of medicine for one reason - we believe in listening to the body. My body was trying to tell me something, and I'm not quite sure what it was, but I gave it something that settled it. If it ever happens again, I'll know what to try and, perhaps, narrow it down a little more. I did not feel like my life was in danger. My heart seemed to be pumping fine and I wasn't out of breath. Nothing "hurt" except what I had overworked at the gym. It may not be the way you handle things, but it's how we do it. Listening to my body has been so important to me, and this is just another example of that.
Anyhow, feeling better now. Sore, yes. Took a couple Advil again for the muscle soreness (I didn't stretch enough either...I'm sure of it!). Plan for the night is to rush home after work, go drop off Ethan's football equipment (we just "rent" it for the season) and probably cry a lot at the thought of not seeing these people again until next season, and then go to pilates at 7:30pm. I'm not expecting much from myself tonight in class...and I reserve the right to modify the hell out of everything they throw at me, and I reserve the right to leave early if I feel I need to and/or my body isn't up to it. I even reserve the right to NOT GO if I don't want to....there's always next week. I pushed too hard last night, so for tonight I'm going to take it easy, but I'm going to still work out. Why?
I'm 2/30 for my 30 in 30 workouts for November. But even a 15 minute walk down the street will work for my 30 in 30. Those are what I call my "rest" days....more like slow days.
Oh, and one final note -- It was SOOOOOOO hard to not weigh in this morning! I kept staring at the scale going, "I could just peek!" But I didn't. I stayed away (probably good...it's probably up today from that overboard workout yesterday!).
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
Since today is a holiday for state workers (YAY! Election Day!), I get to work short days this week, 8:30am-4:30pm. That means that I will be able to get to the gym by 5:30pm instead of 7pm, which opens up a few more classes for me this week. As i said last week, I was excited and nervous to take my first Yoga class yesterday.
I've done Yoga before. I have a Yoga for Weight Loss DVD, as well as an AM Yoga DVD, and I've done tons of research of new moves online. The best thing about Yoga is that there's plenty of research you can do to self-teach yoga at home. This especially cool for a big girl who is afraid of the skinny chicks in most Yoga classes. I use Yoga most days as a stretching tool, so, to be perfectly honest, I do yoga for at least 10 minutes nearly every day. And another great thing about yoga? The more you do it, the better your balance and flexibility get. Still, I always wanted to try an actual Yoga class, and yesterday was my chance.
So I walk in, nervous both because I forgot my Yoga mat and because, well, it was my first time in a class. One thing I love about my gym is that there are very few "perfect" people there. My gym is full of all shapes, sizes, ages, and fitness abilities. And when you walk in the door, you're treated as just another gym goer. They don't analyze your body fat upon walking in. People don't usually stare as you're sweating your arse off on the elliptical or picking the indoor track over the treadmill. I get a lot of smiles and hellos from people now that they know me as a regular face there, and it's just a wonderful environment of support.
So, someone points me in the direction of the stash of yoga mats at the gym and I squeeze into the back. The girl next to me is plump as well, and I feel good that I'm not the only one who isn't a perfect size 0. (In fact, I doubt there was a single person who could fit that description, except maybe the tiny, tiny instructor! *lol*) To the left of me is an older woman with oxygen in her purse who warns me, "Just ignore me...I grunt and groan a lot!" *lol* There's one guy in the class, an older gentleman, who, the instructor announces, is already married. (To which he replies, "But my wife isn't here yet!" *lol*) Safe to say, this class is full of the same clientele I've seen at the gym - diverse. I feel a little better.
The instructor walks in and hones in on me as the only newbie. She asks if I've ever done Yoga before, and I tell her that I've only done it at home, I've never taken a class. "Cool!" she says, "Then we don't have any newbies here, not really." It's strange to think of myself as a veteran of sorts when I've never taken a class, but I love that I'm not being singled out for my newness.
We start by massaging our feet and legs, and then it's on to the moves. We held them a LOT longer than I normally do, but I was able to keep up with just about every one. I was even surprised that i didn't stumble or break my pose on my tree pose, like I normally do. I ended the class the way I end any good yoga session. Relaxed, limber, and feeling taller. I told one lady that I always feel thinner after yoga. "That's funny." she said, "I always feel sore! EVERYWHERE!" *lol* She then confessed that she was 60 years old (she didn't look it!) and that she was new to it. I told her that the more she does it, the easier it gets and she said, "That's what I'm hoping!"
After class the instructor came up to me and said, "So, how'd you like it?" I told her it was great. "Well, I hope you can come back!" she said. "You have a LOT of flexibility!"
Let me just say that a compliment like this from an instructor is always my favorite kind. I'm always so nervous when class begins, and when I get this kind of compliment, it makes me feel more self-confident, more sure of my abilities. Too often I doubt myself. Sure, I can get through poses every day that many people have trouble with because I've worked on them, but I always worry that I'm doing it wrong, that what I think is "good" really isn't at all. And then when I get that "at-a-girl" from the instructor I'm assured that I can keep going, keep doing what I'm doing and keep getting better. My foundation is built by me, it's secured through the support of others, and I continue to build from that. (This is also a very important part of Spark!)
Today I weighed in for the last time before Sunday. (I had to, our Biggest Loser challenge weighs in on Tuesdays and today was our final weigh-in.) Back down to 344.6. So bye-bye bloat weight! I knew I didn't gain 3 pounds of fat in 2 days! *lol*
So what's on tap for today? Well, first I have to pee. *lol* Random, I know. Other than that, there's a short trip to the store...stupid flies are buzzing around here (we have a screen out so they're headed in to survive the winter) and then maybe a trip to the movie store for a flick to watch, oh, and voting and the gym! I think maybe we'll hit both line dancing and Zumba tonight, and I need to do my ST tonight.
Have a fun Tuesday! Don't forget to vote!
Monday, November 01, 2010
For the record, I hated October.
Weight October 1st: 351.2
Weight Goal for November 1st: 343.2
Actual Weight November 1st: 347.2
Weight Lost in October: -4 pounds
Dare I even record the measurements? *sigh*
(Oct 1st - Nov 1st = Difference)
Waist: 48 - 48 = 0
Hips: 59 - 59 = 0
Neck: 15 - 15 = 0
Thigh: 25.25 - 25 = -.25
Calf: 21 - 22 = +1
Upper Arm: 15 - 15 = 0
Total inches lost in October: I actually gained .75 inches. *bangs head on desk*
Okay, so let's review. What did I do wrong? What happened? Did I go back to my old ways and start eating everything in sight? Did I hit the Chinese buffet once a week?
The answer? Nope. I didn't. I hate mindfully and healthfully a good percentage of the time. I worked out a lot. I also spent the entire month of October in a stand-still, never-ending TOM, and STILL I managed to hang on for dear life.
All last week the weight seemed to be dropping off of me. And then I ate some Mexican food Saturday night after trick-or-treat. I had pizza both Friday and Saturday. And I gained a pound. And then yesterday I hate popcorn at the movies, and I ate french fries too. And I gained 2 more pounds. So I guess what I'm saying, the only thing I can figure is, too much salt = a sad, unhappy, not shrinking Esther.
Nutrition & Fitness
10/1 - 1787 cal/80 minutes of cardio, 1442 burned, ST
10/2 - never finished tracking/65 min cardio, 1157 burned
10/3 - didn't track/0 fitness
10/4 - 2151 cal/55 min cardio, 899 burned
10/5 - 2282 cal/57 min cardio, 937 burned
10/6 - 2281 cal/33 min cardio, 698 burned
10/7 - 2319 cal/0 fitness
10/8 - never finished tracking/135 min cardio, 1805 burned
10/9 - didn't track, but I know I did well as I was with Becks/180 min cardio, 968 burned
10/10 - didn't track, 5k day, but I ate well/3.12 mi in 56 min, 422 burned
10/11 - didn't track, but I know I had a BAD BAD day that day/25 min cardio, 168 burned
10/12 - 2133 cal/0 fitness
10/13 - 1645 cal/45 min cardio, 611 burned
10/14 - didn't track/21 min cardio, 139 burned
10/15 - didn't track/0 fitness
10/16 - 5k day, didn't track but ate well/3.1 miles in 52 min, 489 burned
10/17 - didn't track/0 fitness
10/18 - 1834 cal/33 min cardio, 335 burned
10/19 - 2022 cal/45 min cardio, 740 burned
10/20 - 2454 cal/34 min cardio, 320 burned
10/21 - 2050 cal/0 fitness
10/22 - 2438 cal/240 min cardio, 4202 burned
10/23 - didn't track/25 min cardio, 165 burned
10/24 - 1720 cal/0 fitness
10/25 - didn't finish tracking/0 fitness
10/26 - didn't track/18 min cardio, 381 burned
10/27 - 1956 cal/60 min cardio, 1052 burned, ST
10/28 - 2217 cal/60 min cardio, 1064 burned
10/29 - 2149 cal/100 min cardio, 1225 burned
10/30 - 2607 cal/60 min cardio, 322 burned
10/31 - 2183 cal/20 min cardio, 132 burned
So what's to see here that I don't like? First of all -- lack of tracking. I can't tell whether those days I was just busy, or if I didn't want to track it because I was "bad."
** So for the month of November, goal #1 - Track Everything Every Day!
But, as for my calorie counts and calories burned...Spark had me set at a range of 2000-2400 or so to begin with, and then I dropped down the amount of cardio I planned on doing, which brought me down to 1900-2300 roughly. I just went and reset my calorie burn goal again to a range I tend to stay around more often and like (in my head) better - burning 4000 calories a week, which means I'm back up to a calorie range of 2190-2540. *smacks head on desk* This was a lot easier when I couldn't do much...I rarely hit my calorie burn goal in the beginning, and now I almost always surpass it. Could it be that I'm not eating enough? I still have this mental break at 1800 or 2000 calories. I keep thinking, "But I'm a girl! Why do I have to eat like a friggin' man and stuff so much food down my throat I want to vomit every day?" *sigh* I don't know, but whatever I tried this month did NOT work.
** November goal #2 - Don't think, just do. 2190-2540 calories in per day, 4000 calories burned per week. Period.
So, since we're exercising to burn 4000 calories a week, I need to burn about 667 a day M-Saturday. I tend to give myself Sundays off for Ethan's football games. Unfortunately, however, his team lost their semi-final game yesterday so football is over for us. *sad face* So it's time to stop being a wimp about it and put that day back on the docket. Exercising every single day will take me down to a goal of 571 calories burned per day. Definitely manageable because I don't have to do it all at once!
** November goal #3 - Stop being a wimp! 30 in 30 is back! 30 days of November, 30 days of exercise - now GO!
As for the lack of measurement movement. One thing you might notice in there is a severe lack of any decent ST schedule. Now, granted, there are more days of ST I did than are there. My only gripe with Spark is the difficulty of tracking my ST exercises through the app, so there are times I just don't track it because it takes so much time. Of course, I'm going to track it all this month, so that's not going to be a concern. But there was a general lack of ST in October because I was working on timing for my 5ks and then was considering HM training. No more. I want to lose weight and inches. I want my 24's to come up over my fat arse! (excuse my language, but those stupid pants are TAUNTING me!)
I should be ST 3 times a week. Now my PT was nervous about me upping my ST routine AND sticking with 3 days a week. But I can still do my PT ST schedule 2 days a week, and reserve that other ST day for at-home ST exercises. I can squeeze in more crunches and pushups and such.
** November goal #4 - Strength Train 3 times per week, no excuses! At the end of the month, I should be able to report having done:
1800 crunches (150 per day/ 3 times per week)
40 REGULAR push-ups (10 per week)
360 modified push-ups (30 per day/ 3 times per week)
80 squats (20 per week)
80 lunges (20 per week)
24 planks (2 per day/3 times per week, working toward a 60 second plank)
4 "modified" planks (1 a week, timed, to start)
(Okay, from everything I've read, Spark's "modified" planks are actually more difficult. Most places consider those the regular planks, and the ones on hands, like I do, the actual modified version. So I'm working my way toward pulling these into my routine.)
Finally, one last thing. I hate my scale again. HATE. I hate this plateau crap. I hate that it's become so difficult to lose weight even though I'm moving my butt like I've never done before. I hate how bloated I feel right now from a month and a half long TOM. And I hate what that TOM fluctuation seems to be doing to the scale as well. So...
** November goal #5 - Weigh-in once a week, Sundays, in the morning. Report that weight, good or bad, on Spark's tracker. Hiding is done, we need to know what's happening here because we have too far to go to hide from "bad" weeks now! Oh, and stop trying on those stupid 24s. A watched pot doesn't boil, and you can't will those stupid jeans into fitting. You can try them on the Sunday weigh-in before Thanksgiving, and then again before Christmas day.
Okay, Esther...breathe. October is over. November is here. You had some amazing pumpkin soup today with yummy big chunks of veggies in it. You need to remember to drink your water and just stick to the plan. And when all else fails, just go for a walk to clear your head and remind yourself that the numbers can't convey to your Spark Friends how DIFFERENT your legs feel now. Those stupid numbers don't show how your breathing is easier, how you feel more confident in a room, how you may get frustrated but more times than not, you push through that and move on. And someday very soon, this period WILL end, and there's a possibility that it could take a few pounds with it...or not. *shrug* Just know that it's a factor in the seemingly lack of progress right now....it HAS to be! Get some rest on your day off tomorrow, go back to your Zumba class and have a blast, enjoy clearing your head at a teacher-taught Yoga class tonight, and remember that above all else, I love you for the person you are, the person you are becoming, and the person you know that you want to be. As hard as it is to wish for tomorrow to come quicker, as much as it hurts hoping it would go faster, focus on today, on the time you have with your kids, on the time you have with yourself, and on every small step you make every single day to make your life, and the lives of those around you, better in every way.
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