Saturday, May 01, 2010
I could sit here and tell you how awful I was last night. How I had a few too many drinks (not enough to get drunk, just enough to --probably-- break the bank on my nutritionals). How I ate half a McGriddle when I got home at 2 am. How I didn't do the strength training exercises that were scheduled for the day. But I won't. Instead I'm going to tell you why last night was great for me.
Yesterday I went out with some somewhat new friends from school. I'm about to graduate and my friend had just turned 21...there was plenty to celebrate last night! Yes, we obliged and got her thoroughly drunk, so our friendly duties are taken care of...welcome to 21. (And if I talked to her today I could welcome her to the hangover as well.) We ate dinner late at a Japanese Steakhouse where I ordered what I knew I could eat "on my plan" - sushi, edamame, and rice. I had a drink...okay, two. And then we went to a bar.
I danced, I drank...but the highlight of the evening was hanging out with a bunch of skinny girls and being the only one of them to be bought a drink by a guy. Yep, you heard me right. I was approached and that line I've never personally been asked by anyone other than a bartender was asked of me, "What are you drinking, honey?" I felt...weird. I told him I didn't know, my 21 year old friend encouraged me to get another "sex with a squirrel" and next thing I know, he's bought me a drink. Now, he was pretty darn ugly...but this situation has NEVER, I repeat, NEVER happened to me directly. I've seen it happen to my "skinny" friends. But here I was, surrounded by beauty, and being bought a drink by a man. (Now the funny part, I called my husband to ask if I could drink it! *lol* He told me he wouldn't turn down free alcohol from a girl, and that as long as I didn't sleep with anyone, he didn't care at all! *lol*)
I drank that drink...I earned it somehow. And then we bolted for another club before the guy got the wrong idea! *lol* At the nightclub we went to, my friend bought me a drink - a blue motorcycle, actually - it was good! It was one of those "I know that I'll feel this later but it tastes like kool-aid" goods. I danced with my friends...I didn't care what I looked like and they didn't either. Nobody said a word about how I shouldn't be there. Perfect strangers smiled at me. It felt great. I got one more drink and then our attention shifted to making sure Brit (the new 21 year old) didn't get in trouble with the three guys that were dancing with her and her friend. (We are all a little motherly, me most of all considering I'm the only actual mother of the bunch. I wanted to make sure that she wasn't in trouble...so I kept an eye on her the rest of the night.) About an hour of dancing and I was done. The club was crowded and the dancing looked more like sex with your clothes on than actual dancing (I think this may be my age showing through! Watch out, grandma!). I told the girls I was done for the night and headed home.
Today I am sore throughout my legs and arms. Today I am down another pound as well. Today I feel like once this headache clears and I can move again, I'll be feeling pretty darn good about myself. I thought about beating myself up, but I didn't do it. Because there are only a few years left of me being able to "club" in this manner, and I let my weight stop me from ever doing it before. Last night I felt like a bonafide college student for a few minutes, and we all deserve a little of that when we're in college. I didnt' get fall-down drunk and I had a blast hanging out with my friends. I was good the rest of the day and then I let myself be the judge of myself for the rest of the night.
So, uhm...about last night...I make no excuses. I regret nothing. And I'm ready to get my butt out there today and enjoy this crazy world...in a healthy way!
Friday, April 30, 2010
Okay, first of all, let me let you know right off the bat that this is not a blog about waiting for results and wanting them to come right now. I'm in week 2 and already a coworker said, "How much weight did you lose this week?" I told her that weigh in is on Sunday and she remarked that she could already see the difference. Let me repeat that for those of you that we're just flying through the reading, not really paying attention, maybe there's something shiny distracting you...focus here for a moment please...okay. She said she could already tell a difference in week 2! Now THAT is awesome! (Okay, go play with your toy now...I would.)
My impatience today is with my friends. God love them, but I had set plans with them last week to walk with me today. It wasn't my doing, it was theirs. I simply mentioned that I did 3 laps around the baseball field last week and they said, "Ooh..maybe I'll join you next week!" I said that would be fine with me, and they both agreed to meet here for chatting while we workout. Fun, right? Yeah...fun ends here. It is now 12:31pm and one texted me around noon to say she's going to the beach (we live in WV, what beach is she going to?) and the other said she's going to come, but she's busy working on something right now.
I understand the second one. I get caught up on stuff sometimes. The problem arises in the fact that I don't know when her stuff will end. She worked a few blocks away and she gave me zero indication as to when she'll be done. What's more, there is a history of her bailing at the last minute...so that is what I think will probably happen today.
This walk will happen with or without them. I know that. There's a health-food market within walking distance of my work (I can make it there, shop quickly, and be back just in time) so my plan today was to go there and pick up some fresh veggies, some quinoa, and maybe anything else that catches my eye. This is still my goal for the day (hello, two birds, meet one stone!). Waiting on her, though, is killing me! I need to be outside! I need the sun! I need my Vitamin D! I need to sweat! I just can't wait anymore! I need my oxygen and to feel my legs pumping.
Is is bad to say that my (skinny, eeny-weeny) friends are slowing this fat girl down? Because they totally are!
EDIT (1:52 pm): I just got back from my walk. I texted her to tell her I was going to go ahead and go. Halfway through the walk she texts me to tell me she just got done and "don't feel like doing anything right now." Thank God I went when I did. Came back red-faced (hate this part when I'm at work! *lol* Still a little pink now, waiting for it to subside.) and with a bag full of goodies -- a fresh pear (my after workout snack which I'm munching on right now..YUM!), No Salt Herbal Seasoning, black beans, red lentils, wild and brown rice, snow peas, 2 huge portobello mushroom caps, and quinoa! There's a dinner in here somewhere! ;)
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Copied from a mail message to DLEE27:
"Okay, is it totally weird that I feel...almost giddy? Today was a good day. Today was a great day! Today was a wonderful, amazing, in your face and suck it failure and disappointment, kind of day!"
I am extremely happy for several reasons. Here are my top 5...
1. My boss gave me a card (and gift) for graduation. Not at all necessary considering all she's done for me in the past three years - giving me time off work when I needed it, working with my school schedule, giving me that semester of personal leave so I could get some day classes in, giving me advanced training and opportunities at work, etc. I really look up to this woman and she reminds me of my (now passed) grandmother, so to hear her say "I'm really proud of you" just felt damn good!
2. A boy at school, okay, so I have a completely innocent crush on him (the kind you have on a movie star or something where you think he's just "SOOOO HOT!" and everything he says sounds wonderful to you), accidentally called me "baby" today. *lol* It made me smile because, well, because he's hot, but also because I felt like this new life I've started for myself was part of the reason. I felt cute for a moment...that doesn't usually happen.
3. I was on track with almost all of my goals. As of now I am under on calories, carbs, and protein (that doesn't usually happen, that last one), but for most of the day I had a very balanced day. Think I'll just eat an apple with a little bit of peanut butter or something here in a minute...maybe not. *shrug* I feel really good about where I'm at today as far as my food and such.
4. I'm not sure I can describe this one...I feel...I act good. During the day I feel very "up" most of the day. Most of the day I feel good about my life. Most of the day I am focused and happy and content. Stuff doesn't tend to bother me as much. People don't seem to annoy me as much. I don't know what has changed but I really - REALLY - hope this is a permanent change. Of course I know there will be bad days (I've had some already), but for the most part, things are better..internally...emotionally...mentall
5. Finally, this is day 7 of the 100 Consecutive Days Workout Challenge. Thank you SPUNKYDUCKY for this! Really, thank you! I started on my inStride Cycle XL tonight with a goal of doing 10 minutes, maybe 15. At 15 I thought, "Okay, maybe 20." At 20 I thought, "Alright, I can do 25." At 25 I thought, "Well, it's only 5 more to 30...why the hell not?!" I'm really tired, but it feels good. SEVEN DAYS! SEVEN DAYS IN A ROW! I'm almost at the end of week 2 and I hope all this effort shows in rewards on the scale.
Oh, and my favorite quote from today...had me giggling for a good long while:
“If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck.”
That's just funny...I don't care who you are.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
I'm getting ready to leave work yesterday to head to class. Each time I go to close the door on my office, I take a last look to make sure I haven't forgotten anything. Each time I take a look for lost items, I see four miniture peanut butter cups in my candy dish. Each time I see those scrumptious morsels, I ask myself if I want one. And then I curse myself for not throwing them out or giving them away yet. And I tell myself I'll do it tomorrow. And I don't.
A few moments ago I walked by them again. In one glance I thought, "Hello, boys! Sorry I've left you there so long, but I'm really just not in the mood." They tried to protest, I heard them. I smiled a little, winced - I had to let them down easy. "I've just been doing so good lately. I've been treating my body with the respect it deserves and it has felt great every single day. I just can't give that up. Not right now." They frowned. I think I saw one cry. "Maybe tomorrow," I lied. They tossed me a weak smile and nodded before hanging their heads and going back to being simple little peanut butter cups. (You know...the kind that can't talk.)
I closed my door and walked down the hall. When the door shut, I remember thinking, "That felt good. It's getting easier!" And I asked myself - Is THIS why I leave them there? I've been telling myself for 2 weeks that I will throw them away. I've been telling myself to do away with "temptation" in every corner of my life. But each day I have left those 4 little buddies there to greet me the next morning.
Perhaps, unconciously, I realize that I need to show myself every day that I CAN say no. Perhaps I'm saving them for an occasion where I think, "Man, I'd really like some chocolate about now." I know these occasions. I know how quickly they can turn (for me at least) into a shopping spree followed by a carefully laid out smorgasbord of assorted goodies from each of the candy food groups (chewy, crunchy, cookie, cake, and creamy). So if I have these 4 little peanut butter cups on my desk, they may, in fact, act as "lifesavers" in that I avoid the store, gobble one up, and give myself the credit for not eating all four at once.
Today it felt good to turn them down. It might be more difficult later, around the 4:00 hour when I'm feeling a little sluggish from a grueling day of work-school-work-school-work. Maybe it will be the moment I decide to give one the satisfaction of melting it's way in my mouth. Maybe not. Either way...until further notice I've decided that I need them there. And that is where they will stay.
(They smiled at me when I said that. They're deathly afraid of that big black trash can in the corner...)
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Today started out SLOW! *lol* I mean, the day didn't go by slow...I did. I was a little sluggish from little sleep and the stress of last night. But once I talked myself into having a good day...I did. I set some goals for myself last night.
1. Be productive at work.
I hate to say it, but I've been Sparking way too much at work. Today I went in and told myself I'd only log on to log food and check a few people's pages and then I'd be off...and I did a pretty good job sticking to that. I didn't get any cases done today (almost!) because my boss redirected my attention on a speech she needed for Sunday. Proud to say I got it done before I left and we're going to review tomorrow. (She left the office for a little bit and didn't return until I was leaving.)
2. Make healthy food choices.
I couldn't believe it...I forgot my lunch! Instead of ordering pizza with a coworker, I walked down to CVS on my first break and bought a Lean Cuisine and some Fiber One bars. *YAY ME!* Had a healthy lunch and healthy snacks. Also had one of the mini-bags of popcorn I had at my desk for one of my snacks. It felt good to eat that popcorn because, on the one hand, it felt naughty, and on the other, it wasn't! One whole TINY bag (they are adorable I tell you!) is like 110 calories and low in fat ('cause I bought the light butter kind!)! Then I drove to Kroger after work and got the rest of the fixins I needed for the Vegetarian Chili that was suggested for dinner on my nutrition log. (My husband HATED it...I mean, he said it was the WORSE thing he'd ever tasted. I liked it....*lol*)
3. Get some homework done.
Well, I did some research and got a little bit of stuff done today. Have to finish the rest here in a few minutes.
Today is my scheduled workout day. I worked out for a little bit yesterday because I've started the 100 Consecutive Days Workout Challenge, and I have to admit that while I was in class I was thinking I did NOT want to do it tonight. I was asking myself, "Don't I deserve a night off?" I found myself wondering why I try to reason myself out of my goals and then forced that little snobby girl inside to suck it up. I drove home, put on the tennis shoes, picked up the dog and drove down to the track. Did 9 laps around, which equals about 1.3 miles. The dog slowed me down a bit (so did the inclines! This track is MUCH harder than a regular track because it's on the side of a hill so you're almost always walking either up or down. I told myself that this would be REALLY GOOD for my body and did all 9 laps!)
5. Forgive myself.
I did. I'm good. And after feeling a little icky on my way to school, I realize that it's likely nearing that TOM. Makes perfect sense that I flew off the handle over something stupid. (Also realized how GREAT it is to feel upset to your stomach and be able to rule out food as the cause...I ate healthy food and nothing that should have upset me, so I know that it's most likely something else that caused this.)
6. Love myself.
I did all day. I thought about how great I'm doing. I've done 6 days of working out in a row. I have stuck to my goals and have met some amazing people. I've kept up my end of the bargain, so I deserve all the credit for that. Plus...I mean...I'm pretty freakin' awesome, you know? What's not to love?
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