Thursday, October 07, 2010
I had a talk with my coworker again today. She’s always saying that she envies my motivation. (Don’t worry, I told her that motivation is a lie, a myth people tell themselves to keep them from having to put in the work.) The other day she said, “If I could just lose like 10 pounds, I know I’d be motivated to really do it!” (Wow…there’s something telling in that statement!) I’ve heard it all before and I’ve said it all before. Finally today she said something again about how she needs to do SOMETHING. This time I got, “But I’m so tired when I get home.” Finally I said, “You know, exercise will make you less tired. I used to say the same thing, and then one day I just decided that I was tired, yes, but I could do 10 minutes. Just 10 minutes. One day you’ll decide that you’re done talking about doing something and you’ll do it. You’ll do just 10 minutes. And the next night, you’ll think, ‘Hey, I did it last night when I was tired, I can do it again.’ And you’ll start a streak.” She didn’t respond, but I hope and pray I put just a little glimmer of doubt in the truth of her excuses. Maybe not this week or next, but someday she’s going to do 10 minutes of exercise and she’s going to realize that it’s not REALLY that hard. Oh, the lies we tell ourselves when we don’t want to face the truth!
Lie, blame, avoid, deny. We’ve all done it – it’s part of human nature. Do you remember the first time you blamed a broken toy on someone else? I think it’s a bit of the survival instinct, learning to lie. We know that telling the truth will lead to getting in trouble, so we try out a lie. And you know what we learn? That lies are very powerful things!
I remember when I was a kid, about 6 or so, my sister told me that I could take some candy from the Brach’s mix and match candy section in the grocery store. She said it was alright and that people do it all the time, and she asked me to grab a few pieces for her as well. I walked out of that store with pockets full of candy. And then my mom found out, and she marched me back to the store, made me hand it back to them and apologize for stealing it. My sister didn’t say a word. Last year, she finally admitted to me and my mom that she had convinced me to take that candy. A lie that held for 23 years! That’s a big, powerful weapon, isn’t it?!
When I was a kid I was addicted to lying. I lied so my friends thought I was cool. I lied so they thought I had money. I lied to keep myself out of trouble from my abusive father (though that rarely worked). I lied CONSTANTLY. And I was damn good at it too! It wasn’t until I had kids and grew up a little that I realized I didn’t want to be known as a liar. I wanted people to know that I meant what I said and said what I meant (for the most part). For a while I was brutally honest. It took me time to learn a good lie from a bad one. And it took me even longer to realize that I was better at lying to myself than I was anyone else. I actually believed the “I can’t”s and “I’m not good enough”s. It’s really quite crazy if you consider that I KNEW I was telling a lie, but it was so much easier to believe that I couldn’t do something than to put in the effort and risk failing. So I started questioning everything I told myself. “Will you REALLY do that?” “Do you really mean that?” “Do you know that to be a fact?” And I started being brutally honest with myself.
You know what I learned? Honesty is also a powerful tool! It doesn’t give you power over others, though. It gives you power over yourself. I decide what I am and am not willing to try. Jump out of a perfectly good airplane? Yea, I don’t think so. Not for me. Rock climb the side of a huge cliff? Well…maybe. Sounds a little fun actually. Could I do both of these things? Do I have the ability to tackle both challenges? Absolutely. I may need to lose some more poundage before I trust both the parachute and the cords keeping me up on the cliff, but they are both completely, 100% doable and achievable. Sure, I’m going to have to put some major work in to get there, but I’m no longer a stranger to hard work. I can DO what I want. I suddenly have the choice and the world is wide open.
What can’t I do? I can’t make someone love me. I can’t make a friend treat me right. (Though I can show people how I want to be treated by treating myself and others with respect.) I can’t make an employer hire me. (Heck, I’ve tried! But I can sell myself the best I know how, have confidence in my abilities, and really make a great impression…still, the final decision is not in my hands.) I can’t make my coworker workout either. (Though I can keep encouraging her and spreading that Spark, hoping it will catch.)
Control over others = can’t.
Control over self = CAN!
So while both lies and honesty are powerful tools, the honest truth? A lie, in itself, is a lie. It gives us a feeling of power over other people. Yeah, we can convince that adult that it was that little boy that broke the toy, not us. But both me and that little boy will always know the truth. Who really has the power here? Honesty is powerful because there's no denying it. It reminds me of what we learned in science about a fact. A scientific fact is something that has been proven, but that can be tested over and over again with the same results. The theory? That no fact is a definite fact unless every test that attempts to deny its validity fails. Try testing those lies of yours. They fall down quite quickly.
I can't run.
Have you tried? Have you done all you need to train for that level of fitness? Have you worked your way into it? Do you have legs? Can you breathe air? Do your muscles function?
Sure, for some people "I can't run" is a fact. But, for you, is it fact or a lie you tell yourself to make it a little easier to accept that you don't run or won't try? Is it your fear holding you back instead? Give yourself a little honesty and try it on for a bit. Maybe you don't WANT to run. Maybe that's never been anything that interested you. Fine! Go with that! Be honest with yourself and say, "I can run, I just chose not to. I like to do other things instead, like swimming!" Or, "I can run, I'm just afraid of the injuries I've heard runners get. I think it's safer for me to stick to my aerobics classes." Nobody can tell you that you're wrong. They can try, but trying to deny honesty is like trying to teach a hippo how to play the piano - funny, but completely useless.
So my challenge for your today is to question all the lies you tell yourself.
"I'm not pretty!"
By whose standards? Who decides what is pretty? If I polled 100 random people, would they all agree that I'm not pretty? Is pretty even something that can be determined objectively?
"I can't lose weight!"
Are you following the guidelines that you know work? Have you talked to your doctor? Has it been medically proven that it's impossible for you to lose weight?
"I'm too tired to exercise!"
Are you too tired to lay on the couch and watch TV? Have you tried just moving? March in place or do crunches. If you feel yourself getting faint, then, yes, you're too tired to exercise. But if you can make it through 10 minutes of even something light in the way of movement, then you prove to yourself that it was a lie. You weren't too tired to exercise, you just didn't want to put in the energy because you were feeling lazy.
Trust true power of honesty, not the false power of lies. It's amazing how in control you begin to feel!
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
First of all, thank you all for your responses to my breakfast questions! I’ve got a lot of new breakfasts to try within the upcoming weeks, so that should be fun!
Yesterday I did something else I’ve never done before --- I hit ALL of my SP-set nutritional goals. In the past, even when I hit my calories, protein, and fat requirements, I’d lag behind on my carb goals…but somehow yesterday, I found a magic combination and was in every single one of my ranges! WOOT! I’m eating much of the same stuff today, so I’m on track to do it over again. One problem I had was that I felt like I was eating constantly after lunch, just trying to get everything down my gullet that I had set to hit those goals. So today I decided to start a little earlier in the day with my food intake. I ate my normal breakfast with coffee on the way to work, but after arriving I sat down with some Greek yogurt (blueberry!) and a banana. YUMS! About a half hour ago I ate my slice of Quiche for the day and I’m feeling quite good about the whole thing.
For lunch today? Another beautiful salad! Baby greens, feta cheese and almonds! YUM! I also have a Ranch Cheddar Turkey Burger (though I forgot a bun…ah-well, I’ll eat it without one!) and lots of yummy, fresh watermelon!
Snacks for later include: an apple, a cheese stick (string cheese), and a Luna bar (Peanut Butter Cookie! YUMS!)!
Then when I get home after my workout tonight I’ll have my regular omelet with whole-grain toast, and I even get to make a brownie sundae tonight with one of my little Chocolate Pumpkin Brownies, some French Silk ice cream and a couple little dollops of Cool Whip Lite! YUMS!
Breakfast – 225 calories
Midmorning Snack – 245 calories
Pre-Lunch Snack – 142 calories
Lunch – 608 calories
Midday Snack – 311 calories (I will likely split it into 2 snacks)
Dinner – 354 calories
After-dinner Snack – 396 calories
Total Calories: 2281 (range 2130-2480)
Total Carbs: 283 (range 268-387)
Total Fat: 85 (range 53-93)
Total Protein: 115 (range 60-208)
Now, let me first say that I’m not entirely happy at the after-dinner snack. Yep, it is dessert…and it has more calories than my dinner! BUT, it fits within my goals and ranges. It makes the cut because it fits into what I need to eat SP-suggested for the day, but it doesn’t quite feel right. I feel naughty, I swear! But because I’m really trying to break through this plateau (weight today – 350.2! *lol*), I’m attempting to eat a little higher than normal and eat actually WITHIN my ranges. So, while the method of delivery isn’t perfect, it’s better than yesterday and I have to give myself props for improvement.
Truth is, I burn about 4,000 calories a week in exercise, just in general and on average. So I have to really hit my calorie goals (according to Spark) in order to really reach my 2lb. per week loss goal. We’ll see how it works!
Second of all, I don’t like that my fat is still that high. I’m getting better, but I will continue to work on this one. Part of it is the regular Italian dressing I bought for my salad, which I normally wouldn’t eat, but it’s all CVS had yesterday AND it does fit within my ranges. I’d still like to work on getting this number down, but the progress of keeping that fat content within range while still getting in my calories and carbs is MAJOR improvement on my part!
Tomorrow and the rest of the week is going to be a challenge, though. I can’t just eat the same thing I always do because I have a long day tomorrow. Now, for me, it makes me thrilled because it means SUSHI! Yep, twice a month I have sushi for dinner. I treat myself and love every guiltless second of it. I get a tuna roll and two cucumber rolls which still = low calories! I sometimes also get edamame as a little pre-dinner treat, but I never eat all they give me. So I’m going to work later to see what I have to eat during the day to really round out my day right and get within those ranges again.
Friday will be off as well. I’ll be home most of the day while Logan’s at school. I think I’m going to try to get Hubs out to the tennis courts again, and then lunch out with him, our only real “date time” we ever get. After that I have to clean the car and make sure Logan and I are all packed to head out the door as soon as he gets off the bus from school. Oh, and I have a doctor’s appointment at 1:30pm. *sigh* When he gets home, it’s a 3-hour drive to my mom’s house. And, yes, I will likely stop by McDonald’s or Wendy’s to grab a bite to eat at some point, unless I can find some tiny time to squeeze in packing a lunch (I’m really going to try!). We’ll probably get there around dinner time, so I’ll be at the mercy of what Mom and I want to throw together or order for dinner.
Saturday is all up in the air. If Becks makes it out Friday night, as is the plan, we’ll likely spend the day out, doing something, but I have no clue what yet! *lol* We’ve talked about trying some new food this weekend, something out of my comfort zone, but I may reserve that for Sunday, after the race! (Don’t do new things before a race…I know that one!) We have to pick up race packets from 3-5 in Dayton and then the rest of the night is open, we just have to get to bed early.
Sunday is race day. I’m concerned about my mom because she’s stressing MAJOR! I keep telling her to chill, that even if it takes us all day and we have to stop and take a break for her, that we’ll stick by her and we’ll make sure she makes it through so she can actually say that she completed a 5k. I really want that for her! The race will be early in the morning and they’re talking pancakes to follow! YUM! (Can I sneak in some strawberries or blueberries to go on top? I guess I’d have to carry them 3.1 miles first! No thanks…)
After the race…who knows!? Mom is talking about a bonfire at a friend’s house. I’m thinking about Korean food! Something that scares the crap out of me, but I still REALLY want to try. That’s right, I might not even think about logging my food on Sunday. No clue…we’ll see what happens that day.
Monday is the return trip home, so it will be emotional (because I don’t want to leave and I won’t want Becks to leave either if she actually makes it out!). Plus, there’s the added stress of another 3-hour drive home, which could mean more fast food unless I think to plan ahead.
I do know that I’ll be taking my scale with me this weekend. Good or bad, win or lose, I have to know what my body is doing.
So…what are you doing this holiday weekend? (It’s Columbus Day for those of us in the States. For our neighbors up in the cold country, it’s Canadian Thanksgiving.)
How do you plan to use this holiday as an example for some of the more difficult times coming up? (I’ve already broken out the Peppermint Mocha coffee creamer because they aren’t selling any Pumpkin Spice variety here! BOO Krogers!)
Have some happy holidays, all!
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
FYI - My breakfasts are becoming quite boring. Plus, this small breakfast thing is fine, but I need a little BOOST of calories when I get into work to keep me from having to chow down all afternoon, seriously! (I'm trying to HIT my calorie goals this week, the SP designed ones, not my lower goals.) What's that mean? It means I'm out of ideas and ---
I WANT TO EAT YOUR BREAKFASTS!
So leave me a note here. Tell me what you eat for breakfast. Include brands or recipes, if necessary. I'm also going to need the calorie/carb/fat/protein breakdown please, unless you have your breakfast on your tracker and have shared it.
I'm going to start trying these breakfasts out and see if I find a new thing to love in the morning! So - GIVE ME YOUR EGGO...or whatever it is you eat! NOM NOM NOM!
~*~ WTF??? Template 10/5 - 10/10 ~*~
I forgive myself for [[not meeting every single one of my fitness goals]] last week.
Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, so this week I will [[set more reasonable goals that I know I can reach]] to make sure it doesn't happen again.
FITNESS AND NUTRITION
For my last template, I was able to accomplish [[2 Zumba classes, 1 rowing session, 2 elliptical session, 2 ST sessions including a double session, lots of new ST with the cable machine, my SIBCCT, time on the stationary bike, 3 planks getting up to 45-seconds, 2 racquetball sessions, and 2 tennis sessions]]. (PHEW! I'm tired just listing that!)
I also did [[500+ fitness minutes!]] So this week, I will attempt to achieve [[much of the same! Tennis, racquetball, and fun things that make the exercise seem less like a chore!]].
Three things I will restrain myself from indulging in are:
2. Candy Bars
3. French Fries
(It's time for a road trip so these can KILL me!)
My power food/go-to meal/snack this week will be [[Crustless Spinach, Onion and Feta Quiche or Almonds with Fruit!]].
My main goal this week is to [[eat IN my SP calorie ranges]] and I wont let [[my fear of not progressing]] keep me from doing it.
Last week, I was [[super serious]], this week I will be [[reflective, but fun!]].
LIFE IN GENERAL
For my specially set-aside me time this week, I am going to [[spend some much-needed quality time with my Momma and, hopefully, Becks!]].
I'm going to keep the negative voices in my head at bay by [[reminding myself that it will work, if I work it, in it's own time and eventually]].
And I will STOP PROCRASTINATING when it comes to [[cleaning out my van! *lol* and talking to my Doctor about questions I've been having]].
[[I have earned this weekend away! I will not go crazy because I will be surrounded by people who not only know and believe in my goals, but who share them. We will work to keep each other on task and will enjoy our time together. I will race on Sunday full of the knowledge that fitness does not always have to be such serious business, it can be a fun activity that can bring the entire family together. I will not stress about PRs or even the time, but will simply walk for the joy of being one in a healthier place with my family.]]
[[I will focus my time until then on figuring out more about balance and finding the right balance for my life, and will spend some much needed time with the 2 boys I must leave behind on Friday.]]
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
I've been thinking all evening and then again this morning about the P word. You all know it and hate it - the dreaded Plateau. Looking back on my past progress and weigh-ins, the thought occurred to me...maybe I've hit a bit of a plateau. I've had trouble breaking out of a set of numbers before. The 380s were a bit difficult mentally. The 360s had me declaring war against my own body. But the difference between those tough spots and this one is simple - in the past I spent a few weeks self-sabotaging, but this time I'm not. I've been pretty consistent. Sure, I've switched things up in an effort to push the scale along, but I've eaten pretty well and have been exercising regularly. So could I be dealing with that stupid P word already?
We all hate to think about plateaus. They're evil. They keep us from our goals and make us feel like we're failing ourselves somehow. No matter how much progress we see in our fitness levels or other NSVs, nothing compares to seeing that number on the scale agree with our progress and give us the results we so crave. Just thinking about this has led me on a research binge (much better than an eating binge! *lol*) about dieting, plateaus, weight loss, etc. And what a wealth of knowledge we have here at SP!
First of all, I suggest you all read "9 Cold, Hard Weight Loss Truths" here on Spark:
You may not learn anything really new, but it might be helpful in reinforcing the things we have had suspicions about. My favorite is #1 - You have to exercise more than you think.
For me, this is a CHECK! Last night I forced myself into another SIBCCT - Self-Induced Boot Camp Circuit Training. It went a little something like this: 10 minutes treadmill at 3.0, 2.0 incline; 8 laps around the indoor track, running 1/2 a lap on every even lap; Lat pull-downs and tricep work on cable machine, 2 sets of 12-15 reps; 4 more laps on the track, running 1/2 a lap on every even lap; 20 crunches with medicine ball on reclining bench, 20 squats, 20 twist crunches on reclining bench, 20 lunges each leg, 20 regular crunches on reclining bench; 2 more laps, running 1/2 a lap once; 45-second plank, 20 regular floor crunches, 10 bicycle crunches, 10 reverse crunches, 2 sets of 15 reps of modified push-ups; 3 more laps around the track, running 1/2 of one lap; 6 laps as cool-down followed by about 12 minutes of yoga/stretching before a full set on the ST machines and another 5 minutes stretching. There was no stopping really between stations unless I needed water, a stretch, or to go to the other machine/station. I did take a few breaks to breathe, but the only real breaks were between the cool down, the yoga/stretching, and the ST on the machines.
No real answers here...just confirmation that I'm doing well. Okay, onward.
For those of you that are feeling those late night hunger pains, try this article entitled "Is Evening Eating Destroying Your Weight Loss Efforts?"
For me, this was something I was trying to end when I started this Midday Calorie Loading experiment. So far it's been working out great. I eat the bulk of my calories before I even leave from work. On my Nutrition Tracker you see that some of my lunches equal 600 calories. The truth is, I used to limit all my 3-big meals to around 400 calories, but I've been loading up in the middle of the day. Sometimes this means eating lunch twice. I'll have a salad and then, an hour or so later, I'll eat a sandwich. In all honesty, my body is responding quite well to this. When I pulled out my Ranch Cheddar Turkey Burger yesterday around 5pm and ate it before I left work, my workout was fully fueled and I wasn't ravenous when I got home after even that long SIBCCT I put myself through. I got home, made my mushroom and cheese omelet, and because I was trying to push up a little on my calories, I added a piece of whole wheat toast and ended the night with an ice cream treat (honestly, not the best idea, but I was within my calorie range to do so).
Right, okay. Got that. Have to remember that there is research to reinforce this method of eating and my body seems to respond well to it, so this may be my new way of eating for life - loading down my calories during the day when my body is burning the most.
Okay, so how about this article - "Is Your Diet Making You Fat?"
I did used to have a huge problem on the weekends staying on task. And, sure, my schedule goes a little wonky on the weekends because I'm working around the family, but for the most part, I've been sticking to my plan and making good choices. Fridays are for activites with the Hubs. This past week he and I started our Friday tennis date, which I hope to repeat this week, but even before then I'd hit the gym on Friday during the day, glad I wasn't on a time crunch and had the gym pretty much to myself while everyone was at work. Fridays are also meal-planning and grocery shopping days. I make a plan for the week and we follow the list at the grocery store. Saturdays are usually reserved for batch cooking and for some outdoor activity with the boys, and Sundays are for Ethan's football games and cleaning...about the only half-lazy day I get to myself. However, I do need to watch where my calories are coming from on the weekends, as we tend to eat out more and I seem to have this "this is a special time so I can have a treat" mentality. Weekends are a good time to REINFORCE my healthy habits, and show them to my boys so they can mimic them. I have GOT to remember that.
That was a good one to stumble on, but it's not exactly what I had hoped for...
Okay, one last one for you, and possibly quite fitting for me to really question - "4 Signs It's Time to Step Off the Scale"
First of all, yes, my scale can talk. In her sweetest voice she tells me, down to the tenth of a pound, how much I weigh each and every morning (mostly) when I step on her. Second of all, it's not a "bathroom scale"...what I mean is, my bathroom floor isn't the most level, so instead my scale is right in front of the fridge in the kitchen! *lol* I didn't really plan it that way, it was just the best level place for it. It has, however, stopped some mindless binges...it's hard to forget what you're working toward when the scale is staring up at you as you're picking through the leftovers in the fridge - much more effective for me than a picture of the fat me stuck on with a magnet.
I'm not anal about getting on the scale and, since I've been weighing myself every day, it makes me scoff at him (yes, the scale is male, it just has a feminine voice - anything that evil MUST be male! *lol*) more than it affects my mood. The most important thing it does is that it makes me question what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong, much like I'm doing in this blog today. Today my weight was 351, up a few tenths of a pound, even after the SIBCCT (or, perhaps, because of it). When I step off the scale (after, yes, cursing at it), I go through the questions:
* Did I do all I could think of yesterday to make it a good day?
A: I ate decently. I did have ice cream and I broke down midday and had a Dove Chocolate Bar. I can improve that tomorrow by sticking to my healthy snacks, apples and bananas. One thing I'm not liking is the amount of fat I eat in a day. I'm within Spark's ranges, but when my calories and carbs (go figure) are under those ranges, but my protein and fat is within them, then I'm not balancing like I should. I should probably work on that a little.
* Did I get in my exercise? Did I do enough? Did I do too much?
A: There IS a possibility that I pushed my body to its limit last night. For a regular weigher, I can tell you that a tough workout WITH ST can certainly cause a temporary gain on the scale. My muscles are in repair mode today (such an important stage, PLEASE people, remember that you need those muscle repair days! It worries me when I see you ST every single day. That might be fine for body builders - though I doubt it - but I'm a firm believer in the every other day method of ST, always have been). The research I've done in the past tells me that when you strength train, especially pushing your body like I did last night, you actually tear your muscles. Sounds painful, right? From what I understand, water builds up within those muscles to help with the repair process, but once they're all healed, they become stronger and leaner machines...and I say machines because those lean muscles eat FAT CELLS for breakfast (and lunch, and dinner, and snack!). So, yes, ST is important, but this could be a reason for the gain this morning. (BTW - I'm no expert, it's just how I understand it from the research I've done on ST. Please be sure to check with a professional if you want real answers to your ST questions!)
* How do I feel?
A: This is the MOST IMPORTANT question I ask myself, and I used to really let it slide, but lately it has become a regular for my morning weigh-in routine. How do I feel today? I feel bloated. This is week 3 of TOM (I'm calling the Dr. today...) and I just feel puffy all over. My arms are sore (no doubt from the push-ups, planks, lat pull-downs and tricep work, as well as from the machine ST) and my legs feel a little sore too (a result of the incline on the treadmill as well as the running, no doubt). My tummy is the most telling though - it feels full, bloated, puffy, a little hard to the touch. It could be gastrointestinal problems (i.e. GAS! *lol*), maybe something I ate yesterday didn't agree with me, or it could simply be bloating from more TOM nonsense. Either way, I feel those extra tenths of a pound today, but I don't think they're here to stay.
There's one thing about research...sometimes you don't find the easy answer. Sometimes you find what you NEED to find instead of what you thought you might find. This whole process isn't as simple as A + B = C. This learning to live a healthy lifestyle is more like the rules of English grammar, confusing and with a bunch of exceptions. ("i" before "e," except after "c" and words that sound like "a") What I learned from my research on plateaus is simple - I'm doing what I need to do for the most part. Sure, I could be a little more perfect, a little more on task, but really perfection is not something I can maintain my entire life. I always consider the big S when I make plans for my weight loss goals -- SUSTAINABILITY. Can I keep this up? Could I see myself doing this one year from now? Being perfect is not sustainable. So while I'll work on being more on target and really learning how to fully balance my meals (a problem I've had from day ONE), I can't honestly believe that I'll NEVER AGAIN slip up and have a chocolate bar and ice cream (hey, but maybe I can strive to never again have them BOTH in the same day!).
So I guess the biggest thing I learned about the P word (don't worry, I won't say it again...I know it scares you), is that there's another big P word that goes with it ---- PATIENCE. Oh, and another P ---- PERSISTENCE. Keep doing what you know is right. Make adjustments if need be, but keep plugging along. Because one day, in the not so distant future, you will push through this wall and see the other side of 350. And one day, in the not so distant future, you'll find yourself on that P word again...it's bound to happen...and it will happen over and over again throughout the process. But patience and persistence are the only answers. Perfection won't do. Quitting isn't an option. Just keep plugging along.
Lesson for the Day:
Patience and Persistence are the only tools you have to beat down that Plateau!
Monday, October 04, 2010
Now just because I admitted that I'm frustrated with the scale right now, doesn't mean I'm giving up on any of my goals, weight loss or otherwise. Yesterday I took a rest day and I didn't feel guilty about it at all. I did eat some pizza, but I ate healthy the rest of the day and accomplished some of the things I wanted to get done. I even got the Crustless Spinach Feta Quiche made as well as a double batch of Ranch Cheddar Turkey Burgers and a batch of Chocolate Pumpkin brownies too. The only thing I didn't quite get done was cleaning out the van...but I still have time to do that before I leave on Friday afternoon.
So I'm starting week 2 of this Midday Calorie Loading experiment and, I've decided, that if I'm going to be working out so much that I need to eat a little more, but only if I feel hungry for it. I'll allow myself 2000 calorie days without fretting because it will work at that range, I know it will. And I'll get where I want to go...eventually. I honestly don't know if I'll weigh myself much this week (though I must tomorrow morning for my BL challenge), and I haven't decided whether I'll be dragging my scale up with me to my Mom's, since I'll be at her house on my usual weigh-in day, or if I'll just leave it at home and weigh in Tuesday morning after I get back. Either way, I'm not stressing about it.
I'll admit it, the numbers are really getting to me right now, and I know it's because of this whole "350" thing. Those of you who have had the misfortune to get above 350 know what it's like to have that number as a weight-limit pounded into your head. Heck, many regular doctor scales don't go above this number, so you can't even face a dreaded weigh-in when you're above this number unless you order a "special" scale. And, let's face it, I'm sick of being special in that way. There are many avenues and endeavors in my life in which being called special is a compliment, but not here, not this way. So I want to smash that number to bits and I've been working pretty hard to do that (which is, ironically, likely the cause of my problem). I honestly thought I'd be at 348 by now, so to have that number be so elusive makes me feel like nothing is changing.
But you know what? There is a LOT changing. Some of it good, some not so good. Let me explain.
Yesterday at the football game, the sun decided to hide behind the clouds. Being October and with the usual fall weather setting in, it was cold sitting on metal bleachers during Ethan's football game (it was worse later when it started to rain cold pelting drops!). I had to wear three layers yesterday just to attempt to stay warm. A shirt and two hoodies, my jeans and socks would normally have been PLENTY to keep me warm...but not yesterday. I was still SOOOO cold! I've been warned that losing a bunch of weight will make you feel the cold quicker because your insulation is basically gone, but - people, I'm still 350 pounds! It scares me to think that this might get worse because already the cold affects my body much quicker than it ever used to. (Even Hubs has mentioned to me that I feel cold when it's not really all that cold. I sleep with 4 blankets on my side of the bed, while he just has a sheet and our down comforter. And I've gone from nightgowns to long sleeve and pant PJ's already...and it's only October!) I'm going to be an icicle at 250 and will be moving to the equator, the only place I'll be able to survive, when I hit goal weight.
Okay, this is going to sound completely strange but - how do you skinny people not hurt yourselves like ALL THE TIME? The other day I'm sitting in the van and I have to brake quickly and the seat belt pushes against my shoulder area, doing it's rightful job of keeping me in my seat and keeping me safe. But it HURT! Like I actually yelped in pain because the stupid strap of the seat belt hit my collarbone. (And seriously, who would have thought that I'd have visible collarbones at 350? See, the numbers just don't seem to fit the body anymore, unless you consider I'm carrying ALL my weight in my stomach and legs.) I nearly felt like I scraped my arm the other day when I brushed by my stupid collarbones. It was uncomfortable and strange and...well, quite painful.
Oh, and the whole sitting on bleachers thing? Yeah, no longer enjoyable AT ALL! How do you people not bruise your bones like constantly? (I actually asked my husband that and he laughed at "you people." I didn't find it amusing and said, "Yeah! YOU people! You SKINNY people! HOW?!") I have to sit in a certain way and, still, sitting for too long is uncomfortable because I can feel some of the bones in my butt! I remember having a boney-butt kid sit on my leg once, but I never imagined what it would feel like to be the one with the boney-butt. (And, let's remind you all, I'm still 350 pounds! HOW do I have a boney butt??? HOW!?)
Finally, and this one is the most difficult to discribe. My leg hurts lately. See, when you have a huge stomach, you lose your lap. Well, that's not true, it's still there - you're just using it to support your massive stomach. Lately I've been noticing the stomach gradually shrinking in an upward direction, which I completely love, BTW (it's the most hated part of my body), but it's caused strange issues with my lap. First of all, I look down and don't recognize my legs. They look super long and it freaks me out for a minute...I'm just not used to seeing THAT MUCH of my upper leg. I'm not even joking. It's like having an alien body you don't recognize any more, and, yes, there are times when I look down or look in the mirror and go, "What's that?" I seriously, honestly, 100% swear that there are times I don't recognize myself or parts of myself. I thought at one point I needed my eyes checked again. And the bone in my leg?! Painful! I don't know what's going on but when I'm driving sometimes, the bone in my thigh will hit, I don't know, something closer to my hip/pelvic bone?, and I feel this pressure like pushing two sticks together. It hurts! I tried rubbing it out, but it's not a muscle pain so it's not like I can massage it away.
Oh, and one last change for you - my clothes. I am 5'8. That's not exactly short at all and it's not too tall either. All my life I have bought average length pants and such. And I used to complain that shirt makers thought I wanted only belly shirts - WHY do they make them so short?! Yeah, turns out when you start to decrease in width, your clothes become LONGER. While this is great for all those "too short" shirts I used to avoid, for pants it has become a nightmare! I actually tripped on my own pant leg yesterday!! (Go ahead, laugh...I did.) The pants I'm wearing now are way too long and I've been forced to roll the waist to make sure I'm not constantly stepping on them. Seriously? Do you guys deal with this problem all the time? It's really friggin' annoying! I'd rather not look like a tool tripping over my own pant leg, thank you very much.
So, while some things are changing (and, yes, some of them are quite annoying), it feels strange to even mention them because - well - I'M STILL 350+ POUNDS! It doesn't make any logical sense to me that I would experience these type of things yet. In fact, I was so anxious for the day that I could come to you all and tell you some of the strange things I notice about being a skinny girl when I was always once fat, but I expected to have to wait another 2 years to be able to do that. I feel completely rediculous saying this stuff now because I feel like nobody could believe it from someone who STILL has so much to LOSE! But it's true. All of it.
The cold hard facts of an oddly-shaped 350 pound woman:
My body is mine, but sometimes it feels alien to me.
My bones HURT me!
I have skinny days all the time.
I feel light. I swear there are days I feel under 300 pounds, even though I know that I'm not.
My mind plays tricks on me when I pass a mirror. Is that really me?
I'm confused by several of the changes.
My arms look excellent, except for the now separated flabby part at the bottom.
I get these dimples - like the one in your neck? You know what I mean, don't you? I forgot women were supposed to have that!
I'm cold ALL THE TIME! (I'm currently wearing a sweater, a sweater hoodie, and a huge Myrtle Beach hoodie over that...and I'm still freezing!)
Finally - I'm worried. I'm honestly concerned. If it's already this bad, how bad is it going to get when more weight comes off? Am I in for a rude awakening once I hit lower milestones? 200-land? Under 250? One-derland? Goal weight? What are these going to look like? How will I feel? Maybe being skinny isn't everything I made it out to be. Maybe I was right to always be worried about losing all this weight.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up. Fashion alone keeps me going! (Cute boots, pencil skirts - all these things I never got to wear but always felt were "me" make me want to strive to be there!) But I'm discovering that it's not all wonderful and that sometimes, the changes can surprise, and even scare, you. I'm sure I'll get used to it and stop tripping over my pants legs and stop brushing my arm past my ragged collarbone, and I'll start to eventually either appreciate or learn to live with, these things. Eventually.
One last note to leave you with. Yesterday I dropped my son off at his GF's house to "hang out." (Don't ask me, they're 11. I'm not too worried, she "breaks up" with him every other week.) As I'm leaving, I know that Hubs is getting P.O.ed because it's taken so long and we have pizza getting cold and Iron Man 2 to watch, so we need to get home. And I take off and sprint down the driveway (holding my boobage...I forgot how much sports bras meant to me until I tried to run without one on!) and I hop in the van and start down the driveway. All Hubs says to me? "BTW - you were running." Me: "Hrm?" Him: "You were running!" Me: "Yeah?" Him: "I haven't seen that in like...I don't know the last time I saw that." Me: "Well, I figured I can do it across the tennis court so, why not?" Him: "You were running."
*lol* I've decided to not stress too much over actually running routes and routines. For now, I'll work in some sprints here and there. Sprint from the car to the gym. Sprint from the house to the car. Eventually I'll work my way into longer distances, but for now, being able to sprint (okay, so it's really slow sprinting!) makes me happy.
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