Sunday, September 26, 2010
Starting Weight: 466.6
SP SW: 416.2
Last Week: 352.2
This Week: 354.8
SP Total Loss: 61.4
Total Loss: 111.8
Quote of the Day:
ďItís not who you are that holds you back, itís who you think youíre not.Ē
I could give you a million excuses for this gain. Well, I could try, but I'm not really to the point of understanding, yet.
Let's review last week's goals:
Weight Goal: 350
(Let's face it...I'd love for it to be 349.9 or lower! *lol*)
* Measure everything!
* Record/track everything!
* Find some time to make dinners. I did PRETTY well with this, honestly. There were a few nights where things went a little wonky, but beside my one Chinese dinner, everything was on track at least with my calorie goals.
* Sunday - 2-3 mile walk
* Monday - 1-2 miles treadmill or elliptical, abs on reclining bench, full ST, push-ups, planks, cable machine for hips
* Tuesday - Zumba
* Wednesday - 2-3 miles treadmill or elliptical, ST, rowing except the rowing
* Thursday - Zumba
* Friday - 3-4 miles treadmill or elliptical, ST, boxing -- Okay, not really. I got about 2 miles on the elliptical, and ST, but I didn't do the boxing because I traded in Zumba toning
* Saturday - C25k attempt 4 with modifications I just had to take a rest day. Of course, my rest included hiking up a huge hill to get to the house where we were attending a BBQ.
Ultimate fitness goal - Calorie burn of 3000-4000 4404+ burned
* Write at least 1 page a day for 4 work days.
* Use extra time for writing articles.
* Look for and apply to at least 2-5 jobs. (2)
* Make sure all forms are in for Weight Management program through insurance company. BAH! I need to send mine in tomorrow.
So, no, I'm not quite sure how I got this far off track this week. I'm hoping it's a fluke, but I had a mini-meltdown this morning. You know the kind. Where you think how much of a waste it is to be constantly kicking your own butt only to not being seeing any results. I'm getting no closer to my weight goals this week, I'm getting further away, even though I busted my own butt and have the bruises and soreness to show for it.
I have no words of wisdom today. I'm angry at the process. I'm angry at myself because I'm not sure what went so wrong, but I still wish I could change SOMETHING to make it right. *sigh* It's rainy and cold outside, and that really reflects my mood.
Whatever. Moving on.
* Continue tracking.
* Stay within 1600-1800 calories.
* Eat healthy meals. Make ahead where possible, or make quick dishes that work with the plan.
* Sunday - Cleaning at least 30 minutes, play some football with Ethan when the rain lets up
* Monday - 2-3 miles on elliptical or treadmill, boxing, ST, core and abs
* Tuesday - Zumba
* Wednesday - 3-4 miles on elliptical or treadmill, rowing, ST, core and abs
* Thursday - Zumba
* Friday - 4-5 miles walking, elliptical, or treadmill, ST, core and abs, rowing/boxing
* Saturday - Play with the kids for exercise (we're thinking of picking up a couple tennis rackets and some balls to play around on the tennis court), C25k Attempt or a long walk with Logan
* Take some pictures. This calms me.
* Blog every day, even when it isn't pretty.
* Keep up with my team challenges.
* End September with a BANG!
* Find and apply to a few more jobs.
* Create a new vision wall for Fall.
*sigh* On we go. I hope next week sees me in a better mood. Sorry for the blah today, but can you blame me? It's really hard to feel like you've done all you've can and you still fall short. I know it's not a new feeling. I know everyone feels this way from time to time, but it hurts so much to feel not good enough to reach the goals I've set for myself. It hurts so much to see my fitness level improving and yet not seeing the scale go in the correct direction. I'm still over 350 pounds...I still have SO much to do, SO far to go. A wasted week kills me because I want to be in those 24s by Christmas and I keep feeling my goal slipping though my fingers. No matter how much I realize how far I've come, this week I just keep thinking it's not far enough.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Yesterday I did something I likely wouldn't have been able to do before, a few things actually.
I picked Ethan up from school around 11:30pm. (Where I got a nice boost from his old teacher as she said not once, but twice, "You look good!") We headed over to Ravenswood to assist in the decorating of the C-Team's float for the Homecoming Parade. I hung signs and streamers and generally made myself the best asset I could be so that the boys and girls (Cheerleaders) would have a nice float to ride through the parade route in (on?).
At one point a parent wanted a red marker, which I knew Ethan had in his bookbag, so I headed back to the car to get it. No problem, right? Problem! My left foot found a small dip in the grass right in front of my van, my foot twisted and I fell down hard on my right knee. It hurt, but my pride made me pop right back up and pretend I was alright. I got back to the float and forgot about all the pain when I realized I had to help settle the kids and make sure they were occupied enough to not really realize that they had to sit there for a half hour before the parade was to start. Once they finally took off, I headed ahead of them to get some pictures as they headed down the parade route. It was an interesting parade.
I didn't quite get it, but there was a superhero theme throughout.
No, I don't know who Tyler is...
Okay, so that made me chuckle...
He was big and beautiful, and looked great in his jersey! *lol*
Now THERE are our C-Team kids!
After the kids passed, I got in the car and headed to Wendy's to get more water. Ethan and I had both had a bottle of water each before the parade started, but sitting/standing in the sun so long made us even more thirsty. (The other kids were too. Next year remind me to pick up a huge pack of water from Wal-Mart for all the kids!) I picked up 4 more bottles of water and left 2 in the car while I headed to the next part of the parade route with the other two. It took me a while to figure out where Ethan was on the float, but once I realized he was on the other side, I realized I'd have to run through the parade to get to him. That's right, I jogged across the street and hurried to give him his bottle of water. (Later he said, "Mom! You were running!" *lol*)
He said a quick thanks and then was on his way.
After the parade was over, I had to rush back to the van and drive over to the practice field to pick up the boy. I stood around some more once they got back, and stripped down the rest of the signs and tape off the trailer. Once I was sure everything was taken care of, Ethan and I finally stopped by Taco Bell and then headed home. I ate and then took a nap. Why? Well because I still had to get to the gym later. I promised my instructor I'd do that Zumba Toning class, right?
I was a minute late for class, but thankfully there were 4 people there - enough for class! YAY! It's a short class, just 30 minutes, but I sweated much more than I even do in an hour long Zumba session! My shoulders are super sore today from that workout! *lol* I followed the 30 minutes with 2 30-second planks, 30 push-ups, 80 crunches, and then hopped on the elliptical for 20 minutes of a cross training session. My right elbow popped during my second set of push-ups. That didn't feel so good. *sigh* I stretched after, and then headed downstairs for some ST on the machines. I got to just the second machine and my knee popped. OW! I tried to continue but I had to cut it short. Every machine hurt my knee, even just the arm ones. I don't know why, really. It just did. So I stretched and left. I had done enough right? Right?
I mean, in one day I stood from noon until about 2:30pm, with just a couple sitting breaks in the car. I did a new class - Zumba toning. I did 20 minutes on the elliptical. I did all my crunches and push-ups and planks, so cutting short my ST session on the machines wasn't a total bad thing, right? RIGHT? *lol*
I took a bath last night too. It wasn't really relaxing at all. *sigh* Either way, I got to bed before midnight and woke up around 9am this morning. And this morning? SORE! All over! I'm thinking of just taking a rest day today. The scale has me down to 354 today, so at least it's going in the right direction. I don't think a rest day would do any harm...in fact, I'm thinking it might help me a lot! I'll drink lots of water and get some stuff down around the house without worrying about how many calories I'm burning. (Who am I kidding? I'll still worry!) But yesterday I did a lot of things I never could have or would have done before. I was with a bunch of kids for hours without worrying about what they'd think of me. I was on my feet most of the day. And I ran at one point! *lol* Small victories make it all worthwhile!
I hope you all have a great weekend! Do something you didn't think possible before! It worked for me...
Friday, September 24, 2010
So I totally missed out on MEZZOANGEL's blog yesterday where she announced (and I started to sweat) that there are 100 days left of 2010. Well, today there are 99, so there! *lol* So it's time to re-evaluate my goals for this year and see what else I have yet to accomplish. Let's kick it into high gear and make these 99 days REALLY count!
Weight Loss Goals
(from my front page)
- Lose 10 pounds. DONE (May 2, 2010)
- See the 300s again. DONE (398.4 May 9, 2010)
- Lose 20 pounds DONE (392.2 May 23, 2010)
- Lose 30 pounds DONE (386.0 June 20, 2010)
- Lose 40 pounds DONE (374.0 July 19, 2010)
- Down 50 pounds DONE (365.2 August 8, 2010)
- Under the 350s. (349.9)
- Down 75 pounds (341.6)
- Down 100 pounds (316.6)
- Reach the 200s. (299.9)
- Down 125 pounds (291.6)
- Down 150 pounds to 266.6. (time to set new goals! 200 down from highest weight)
I'm thinking that I can hit the next 2 goals before the end of the year. In fact, I'd like to be able to say that I lost 80 pounds in 2010. Totally doable by the end of the year! This past Sunday I weighed in at 352.2, so I just need to lose another 16 pounds in the next 99 days. I can TOTALLY do that! That would put me at 366.6. But, let's be completely honest. What I *really* want is to be down under 330 by Christmas so I can get myself a Wii Fit and fit on that balance board. That's an extra 6.3 pounds for the year.
Ultimate weight goal for the 99 days: Lose another 22.3 pounds.
Now I didn't set fitness goals for the year. I started in April and the only goal was to take baby steps, just move and keep moving. I started out with walk breaks at work. I've now moved on to joining the gym. I workout nearly every single day, but it's been a taxing goal. 99 days is 14 weeks of the year, and i want to give myself 2 rest days a week which I can chose to take or not take.
Ultimate fitness goal for the 99 days: Workout 70 days.
I didn't set nutrition goals for the year either, but lately I've been setting a goal to stay around 1600-1800 calories a day. Sometimes I go over, and I let that happen as long as I don't breach the SP calorie goals set for me. I know I've set my goals lower than SP did, but there are reasons for that. First of all, it's my safety net in case I miss-measure or forget to log something. I give myself a little room to play so that if I want to take a bite of a piece of pie and can't figure out how to log one bite, I know I have the calories to cover it. Also, I've tried eating SP's goals for me. When I tried in the beginning I was really struggling at night to make up what I didn't make in the day to hit my goals. And I felt stuffed and uncomfortable. Let's face it, hitting 2,000 calories is EASY when you're eating junk, but eating 2,000 calories of healthy, filling food is SO DIFFICULT! And, for me, I think that's what I'm supposed to be learning - that my body doesn't want to live on 2,000 calories of junk and seems better sustained and fuller when I eat 1800 calories of whole wheat and grains, fruits and veggies, and lean protein sources.
My ultimate nutrition goal for the 99 days: Stay around 1600-1800 calories. Only go over on a high exercise burn day, and do NOT go over SP's recommended ranges.
Okay, let's just put it out there. Holidays are really hard on diets. So much good food everywhere, and in a society where we've been taught that holidays are "free days" in which to pig out, it's hard to hold back when everyone around us is going in for a second helping. I *know* that Thanksgiving will be extra hard on me, because I'm already planning a trip up to my Mom's house. I've missed my huge extended family, and we potluck every Thanksgiving lunch, so there will be a ton of family favorites that I've waited all year to eat most years. Cheesy Potatoes, mashed potatoes, stuffing, pumpkin pie...they're all able to kill my calorie goals. But I've been playing it all out in my head (visualization - use it!) and I'm going to do the best i can on this day. I've never been much of a turkey person, but I think that's KEY in making sure I stay full and don't go back for seconds.
Halloween - I'm not worried. I'll steal 1 or 2 candies from the boys (they're pretty stingy! *lol*) but I think I can pass up the rest.
Thanksgiving - One plate. One pass. Get some turkey to start. Lay off the rolls. Enjoy some favorites. Follow your meal with a walk (our family always does this, so that's not a problem at all!).
Christmas - Not too worried here either. Might steal a cookie, but otherwise Christmas food isn't all that appealing to me. It's all about the presents instead, and I'm just going to enjoy the fun time with my boys and maybe sit back and have some Hot Cocoa with the boys.
So what will you do with your last 99 days of 2010??
Finally, "learning to deal." Yesterday I drank a TON of water. Something like 12 glasses or more. i had two big cups of tea when my tummy started to hurt, and that really helped a lot. The end of the day was rough and I ended up eating a piece of fried chicken and some nasty food, just to get something in my stomach. Truth? I was under my SP calories and only a tiny bit over my own calories - even with half of a Kit Kat bar. Sorry, but TOM means chocolate, and I'm not fighting that any more...I'm just going to learn to fit it in.
I also worked out yesterday. I went to my Zumba class and it was really HI so that made me feel great. I also ended up promising my instructor that I'd come to her Zumba Toning class tonight...if she doesn't get 3 people, she can't have the class and won't get paid. She's in the process of planning a wedding, so I want to make sure she has as much moolah as possible for the big day! I just *can't* let her down. So I'll be at Zumba Toning tonight at 6pm.
Ooh, funny bit. The stretching they do at the end of Zumba just never seems enough to me, so I generally stay after and pull out a few more stretches. I usually do it in a quiet corner where no one can see, but last night I said "screw it" and just stayed right there and pulled out some Yoga moves. My Zumba instructor was talking to me and I didn't want to leave and be rude. She eventually looks over at me and I hear her say, "Hrm. I need some Yoga in my life." *lol* Yeah, it made me a little proud. ;)
Friday plan -
* Pick up Ethan from school in about an hour.
* Take him over to Ravenswood where I'll help decorate the parade float.
* At 1:30pm he'll ride on the Homecoming Parade Float for his football team.
* Come back to the house, eat, and then clean out the car - a serious detailing job!
* Plan out next week's menu.
* Zumba Toning and ST at 6pm.
What are you doing today? How are you learning to deal with the unexpected?
Thursday, September 23, 2010
This morning I woke up and stepped on the scale, much the same way I do every morning.
Now, before you start harping on me about the pitfalls of weighing myself every day, I have to explain that, for me, a daily weigh-in has been working. I started it months ago as a test to learn more about my body and how it works. The truth is, I was weighing in every Sunday, and then letting myself go off the plan the entire day. Why? Well, because it was the first day of the week. Any harm I did that day could be made up in the next 6 days -- that was what my little monster inside was telling me. But after a while I realized that I didn't want to spend my entire week making up for the one day I decided was "free" to do with as I wished. So for the past few months, I've been weighing in just about every morning. I have learned about body fluctuations. I've taken the time to evaluate the day before and tried to understand how salt and water intake can help and/or harm me. I've also started to understand how sleep benefits a good lifestyle plan (I got up one morning, weighed in, then went back to bed because I was still really tired...when I got back on the second time I woke up, 2 hours later, when I finally felt rested, my weight had gone down 2 pounds!). I've understood how too much exercise can cause a delay in my weight loss, but eventually works out for me in the end. And one final little thing - the number on the scale has much less power over me now. I see a million different fluctuations a week in the numbers, so I don't want to give up on a Sunday if I don't get the 2 pounds I was pushing for.
Now, please understand, I'm not advocating weighing every day as a means for success for everyone. I'm simply saying that it has worked for me so far. When it stops working, when it causes me too much stress throughout the week, I'll put that scale away and start putting my focus elsewhere. As I always tell people, the scale number doesn't matter all that much. When people see you out in the real world, they have no idea what "your number" is. They don't see the number on the scale, they see you. If I told you that you could have the strong, fit, healthy body you wanted, that you could look great in the clothes that fit your personality, and could feel confident about yourself and how you're presented to the world, would it matter at all if I also told you that your weight was 145? Or how about 180? Or even 240? If your body presented the image you wanted and the number reflected something that society would deem as unacceptable, which would matter more? Nobody would ever have to know the number on the scale. That's why numbers shouldn't matter so much.
But, let's face it, for right now, the numbers DO matter. To me, right now, especially. I'm so very close to my next mini-goal of being under 350 and I'm really ready to start the next chapter in my weight loss journey here. So when I stepped on the scale this morning and saw a big, fat 358 staring back at me, I went to the first question that always pops into my head when I fluctuate on an upswing -- Why? What did I do yesterday that would cause such an increase? On Sunday I weighed in at 352. On Tuesday it was 354. Yesterday I hit 355. And then today that 358 hit. It's been a continual upswing of fluctuation and I've been cycling through all the reasons why this seems to be happening this week, even though I've stayed mainly on task.
* Salt. Everything I've been eating this week has been pretty high in salt. It's been what's been convenient, and there's nothing I can do to change it or take it back right now. What I CAN do is up my water intake for the next few days to try to rid my body of the excess sodium floating around in there.
* TOM. Every woman knows that bloated feeling around that time of the month. Silly men never have to worry about waking up one day and just feeling plain 'ole FAT through no fault of their own. They also don't get to experience the joys of cramps and mood swings and emotionally charged eating. For me, the TOM signals a week of calorie cycling, but not on purpose. For the first few days, I don't want to eat anything. For the last few, I'm eating like there are three of me and like I'm trying to catch up from the nothingness of the previous few days. I've tried hard to control it, but every time TOM comes around, I find myself calorie cycling, however big or small the fluctuations might be.
* Yesterday. Okay, here it is. Yesterday I woke up tired. I had gotten my regular amount of sleep (around 6-7 hours), but I woke up feeling like I had just fallen to sleep. (Awww! Thank you TOM! ...*sigh*...) I went to work and warned everyone that I was tired and wasn't feeling well. By 2pm I was sick to my stomach and still very, very tired. Hours of being exhausted tend to make me dizzy, so that began setting in and I informed my boss that I was packing it in for the day. I took off at 3pm and headed straight home. I told myself that if I felt better nearer to home I would go ahead and get my workout out of the way. If not, screw it, it would be a rest day and I'd be fine with that. I ended up at home, in bed, watching old episodes of Gilmore Girls, drifting in and out of something like sleep. Hubs went to pick up Chinese and when it came I proceeded to eat too much, even though I actually told myself out loud "None of this tastes any good to me." (Another TOM side effect, my taste buds are whacked. Sometimes there is NOTHING that tastes any good. Period.) I ate anyway. I ate until I was full. Later I went back and ate some more. Not because I was hungry, but because it was there. By 6:30pm I was feeling sick to my stomach and completely guilty for what I had done. I realized that I still had a few hours until the gym closed and I said, "Screw this! I'm going to work out." I did a short workout (33 minutes on the elliptical in the weight loss program followed by a full round of ST on the machines and then some strecthing) before I went home feeling better and went to bed.
* Lack of sleep. Ties in with TOM and Yesterday. I don't sleep well during TOM usually. Last night I realized that for two hours I was having wake-ful dreams. I should admit that these are usually quite fun because my mind is conscious enough to create stories in my head. I should always keep a journal next to my bed for these because I remember actually waking up at 12:30pm and thinking, "Wow! This is really good! And that was a really good line too!" (I've since forgotten everything other than that feeling.) I tossed and turned all night last night, leading to not-so-great sleep last night. I thought I killed my cat at one point. *lol* (She was laying next to me and I rolled over onto her foot and tail, but apparently it was only a small part of me on her and nothing that even annoyed her enough to move. When I'm not sleeping well and going through this restless-type night, I always jump to worst conclusions. I thought I killed the dog when I was having a similar sleep at the campsite after that long hiking trip. *lol* I thought we had worn him out so much that he had died in his sleep. Both the cat and the dog are fine, I'm the freak!)
So as I threw my little tantrum this morning (they've gone from lasting all day to just a few moments now that I'm weighing every day) I asked myself "Why am I doing this? Why do I keep trying if it doesn't even work? I've been good all week except yesterday, so really...why?"
* Because it DOES work, when I work it.
* Because one week does not mean much in the grand scheme of a life.
* Because this week is not over, and neither is TOM.
* Because I still have so much to learn about myself and my body.
* Because as happy as I am to feel stronger and fitter, I really want to reach other goals.
* Because I've come too far to turn back now.
* Because, as my son reminded me in my 10k, the only way out of this is forward!
* Because I refuse to be a tale of "what could have been."
* Because even though the scale says I'm getting fatter, I've felt better about myself physically this week than I have in so long!
* Because I'm noticing all these changes in my body, and I can actually begin to see what I might look like as a thin person. And that person looks great!
* Because I'm no longer afraid to face down the demons, even if it's hard.
* Because I'm SO CLOSE to that mini-goal of 350.
* Because I've inspired the people around me to live healthier lives, and I don't want to be their inspiration to quit.
* Because I meet Becks in 2 weeks!!!!
* Because I see my family again at Thanksgiving and I want to make them smile!
* Because there are people counting on me, mainly? ME!
* Because I want to feel brave and confident, and the old me never felt that way.
* Because it feels good to sweat!
* Because it no longer seems insurmountable, and I don't want to go back to the place where it once seemed such.
* Because when I fight for it, I feel it.
* Because I no longer fear the thoughts of those around me. My thoughts matter more to me now.
* Because I have something worth living for - namely, two amazing children!
* Because it won't always be this hard.
* Because getting through this will make me stronger.
* Because I don't know what's ahead of me, but I know that I'll be able to face it better with the tools I've gained and the ones I have yet to learn.
* Because every day is a reason to fight.
* Because I REALLY want to be in those 24s by Christmas!
* Because I'm so close to saying, "I haven't been this small since high school!"
* Because I'm more than halfway to 100 pounds lost with Spark and 150 pounds lost overall.
* Because wouldn't it be great to be the winner for once?
* Because a little friendly competition never hurt anyone.
* Because the child in me that never got to be skinny deserves this from the adult me.
* Because I deserve this.
* Because I'm worth it.
* Because I spent 38 bucks this month on a gym membership, and I've vowed to stop wasting money!
* Because every step toward a healthy life is a step in the right direction.
* Because even though it feels like backwards motion, even though I can feel the strong headwinds, I know I can push through and move forward. And when it all comes to an end, I'll be further along than anyone who gave in to the wind, anyone who thought it was just too hard. I'll be further along because I put up a fight.
* Because I'm finally starting to love my body. Yes, I said it.
* Because pictures no longer scare me as much.
* Because I can tie my shoes without huffing and puffing.
* Because even though I know he teases, I also know that Hubs is immensely proud of his wife.
* Because I want him, and my kids, to always be proud of me!
* Because 60 pounds is just not enough. I've tasted first blood and I'm ready for more!
Do you guys remember the movie "Remember the Titans?" There is a sequence of lines in that movie that run through my head sometimes during workouts. It goes a little something like this:
Coach Boone: What are you?
Team: Mobile! Agile! Hostile!
Coach Boone: What is pain?
Team: French bread!
Coach Boone: What is fatigue?
Team: Army clothes!
Coach Boone: Will you EVER quit?
Team: NO! We want some mo', we want some mo', we want some mo'!!
So why do I keep fighting, even when it hurts? Even when the odds seem stacked against me? Even when the scale says it isn't working? Because quitting is not an option. If I keep fighting, I know that I'll win. The scale will have to agree...eventually.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Hello everyone! It's nice to have you here this afternoon/evening. I thank you for coming and ask you to take your seat for this most important introduction.
I asked you here today in order to introduce you to a friend of mine. Actually, friend is a rather loose term, but we'll get back to that later. Nonetheless, I've known Tom since middle school. We got aquainted one morning just before I headed off to school for the day.
Our relationship started off ....strained. First of all, his method of greeting was to scare the living daylights out of me. Now I usually don't invite anyone back into my life that makes such an awful first impression, but I gave Tom the benefit of the doubt. Later that day he surprised me while I was sitting through a math test by punching me in the gut. It hurt. A lot! And for a very long time.
You see, Tom isn't the nicest person. He's akin those Sour Patch Kid commercials, you know the ones...the girl wakes up in the morning and one of her ponytails has gone missing, you see Sour Patch Kid in the corner with the scissors and the clump of hair with a sly grin on his face, and then he drops the scissors and hair and attempts to apologize with a hug. Remember that one? Yes, Tom is a lot like that...except without the gushy ending. Most of the rejoicing happens AFTER Tom has left. And it's even worse when he leaves and then quickly comes back in. That's a cruel, sick, sadistic joke!
I often wonder what sort of childhood Tom had that has made him act out so brutally. But still, no matter how awfully bad he treats me, I can't seem to quit him. Nearly every month he knocks on my door and begs for entrance. He always promises that this time will be different. That this time he just wants to spend a few minutes with me, a few days, and wants to get to know me better. And, silly me, I fall for it...again and again.
And each and every month the experience is generally just different enough to shock me once again as to Tom's mean demeanor. How could my short term (and long term, for that matter) memory be so easily deceived or pushed aside? Tom comes in, and I say "Alright, but behave yourself." And he doesn't behave. And I'm left popping pain medications, nursing headaches, tummy aches, migraines. He makes me feel absolutely and completely worthless. I feel not in control. Tom has taken over my life and, until he leaves, I have very few defenses against him.
*sigh* Anyhow, I asked you here today to meet Tom. I should probably explain that between the past two days Tom has zapped me of all my energy, made my stomach turn and lurch, and caused horrible bodily functions that are both disgusting and downright unenjoyable. He has also been the cause of a headache and the consumption of a Hershey's chocolate candy bar. I wanted you to meet Tom because I figured many of you may know him already.
*starts whispering a little* Okay, here's the deal. I have Tom sequestered right now in a sound-proof booth. I told him we're playing a game show and that if he gets the question right he'll win a few prizes. He got so excited he blindfolded himself! Tee-hee!!! So, anyway, here's the plan...in a few moments, I'm going to announce Tom to the stage. First I have to give some hooplah about how "wonderful" he is, you know, so he thinks he's coming into a welcome environment, then I'll announce him out here and I want you all to cheer like I'm inviting you to come compare and contrast the physique of Taye Diggs, Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Mark Wahlberg, Orlando Bloom, Justin Timberlake, Usher, and Johnny Depp all by touch. *winks* I got you there, didn't I? So you cheer and I'll smile, and Tom will come out and I'll ask him some question...I haven't thought of it yet but whatever it is, we'll just pretend he's right whatever he answers and then the best part.... We'll carry Tom into one of those rockstar crowd surfing things. Oh it'll be great! Tom will think it's the best day of his life. But when he hits the center of the room, I want you guys drop him and we'll all jump on him and beat the living snot out of his selfish, stupid, egotistical, evil butt!
We got a deal? Good!
*motions off stage*
*louder* So, everyone, I'd like you to meet the man responsible for my two beautiful children. Tom made me the woman I am today. He constantly reminds me what it means to be a vibrant young woman and I owe him such a debt of gratitude for that. *forces a smile* Tom, why don't you come on out and meet the nice folks here...
*winks at the audience*
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