Thursday, September 23, 2010
This morning I woke up and stepped on the scale, much the same way I do every morning.
Now, before you start harping on me about the pitfalls of weighing myself every day, I have to explain that, for me, a daily weigh-in has been working. I started it months ago as a test to learn more about my body and how it works. The truth is, I was weighing in every Sunday, and then letting myself go off the plan the entire day. Why? Well, because it was the first day of the week. Any harm I did that day could be made up in the next 6 days -- that was what my little monster inside was telling me. But after a while I realized that I didn't want to spend my entire week making up for the one day I decided was "free" to do with as I wished. So for the past few months, I've been weighing in just about every morning. I have learned about body fluctuations. I've taken the time to evaluate the day before and tried to understand how salt and water intake can help and/or harm me. I've also started to understand how sleep benefits a good lifestyle plan (I got up one morning, weighed in, then went back to bed because I was still really tired...when I got back on the second time I woke up, 2 hours later, when I finally felt rested, my weight had gone down 2 pounds!). I've understood how too much exercise can cause a delay in my weight loss, but eventually works out for me in the end. And one final little thing - the number on the scale has much less power over me now. I see a million different fluctuations a week in the numbers, so I don't want to give up on a Sunday if I don't get the 2 pounds I was pushing for.
Now, please understand, I'm not advocating weighing every day as a means for success for everyone. I'm simply saying that it has worked for me so far. When it stops working, when it causes me too much stress throughout the week, I'll put that scale away and start putting my focus elsewhere. As I always tell people, the scale number doesn't matter all that much. When people see you out in the real world, they have no idea what "your number" is. They don't see the number on the scale, they see you. If I told you that you could have the strong, fit, healthy body you wanted, that you could look great in the clothes that fit your personality, and could feel confident about yourself and how you're presented to the world, would it matter at all if I also told you that your weight was 145? Or how about 180? Or even 240? If your body presented the image you wanted and the number reflected something that society would deem as unacceptable, which would matter more? Nobody would ever have to know the number on the scale. That's why numbers shouldn't matter so much.
But, let's face it, for right now, the numbers DO matter. To me, right now, especially. I'm so very close to my next mini-goal of being under 350 and I'm really ready to start the next chapter in my weight loss journey here. So when I stepped on the scale this morning and saw a big, fat 358 staring back at me, I went to the first question that always pops into my head when I fluctuate on an upswing -- Why? What did I do yesterday that would cause such an increase? On Sunday I weighed in at 352. On Tuesday it was 354. Yesterday I hit 355. And then today that 358 hit. It's been a continual upswing of fluctuation and I've been cycling through all the reasons why this seems to be happening this week, even though I've stayed mainly on task.
* Salt. Everything I've been eating this week has been pretty high in salt. It's been what's been convenient, and there's nothing I can do to change it or take it back right now. What I CAN do is up my water intake for the next few days to try to rid my body of the excess sodium floating around in there.
* TOM. Every woman knows that bloated feeling around that time of the month. Silly men never have to worry about waking up one day and just feeling plain 'ole FAT through no fault of their own. They also don't get to experience the joys of cramps and mood swings and emotionally charged eating. For me, the TOM signals a week of calorie cycling, but not on purpose. For the first few days, I don't want to eat anything. For the last few, I'm eating like there are three of me and like I'm trying to catch up from the nothingness of the previous few days. I've tried hard to control it, but every time TOM comes around, I find myself calorie cycling, however big or small the fluctuations might be.
* Yesterday. Okay, here it is. Yesterday I woke up tired. I had gotten my regular amount of sleep (around 6-7 hours), but I woke up feeling like I had just fallen to sleep. (Awww! Thank you TOM! ...*sigh*...) I went to work and warned everyone that I was tired and wasn't feeling well. By 2pm I was sick to my stomach and still very, very tired. Hours of being exhausted tend to make me dizzy, so that began setting in and I informed my boss that I was packing it in for the day. I took off at 3pm and headed straight home. I told myself that if I felt better nearer to home I would go ahead and get my workout out of the way. If not, screw it, it would be a rest day and I'd be fine with that. I ended up at home, in bed, watching old episodes of Gilmore Girls, drifting in and out of something like sleep. Hubs went to pick up Chinese and when it came I proceeded to eat too much, even though I actually told myself out loud "None of this tastes any good to me." (Another TOM side effect, my taste buds are whacked. Sometimes there is NOTHING that tastes any good. Period.) I ate anyway. I ate until I was full. Later I went back and ate some more. Not because I was hungry, but because it was there. By 6:30pm I was feeling sick to my stomach and completely guilty for what I had done. I realized that I still had a few hours until the gym closed and I said, "Screw this! I'm going to work out." I did a short workout (33 minutes on the elliptical in the weight loss program followed by a full round of ST on the machines and then some strecthing) before I went home feeling better and went to bed.
* Lack of sleep. Ties in with TOM and Yesterday. I don't sleep well during TOM usually. Last night I realized that for two hours I was having wake-ful dreams. I should admit that these are usually quite fun because my mind is conscious enough to create stories in my head. I should always keep a journal next to my bed for these because I remember actually waking up at 12:30pm and thinking, "Wow! This is really good! And that was a really good line too!" (I've since forgotten everything other than that feeling.) I tossed and turned all night last night, leading to not-so-great sleep last night. I thought I killed my cat at one point. *lol* (She was laying next to me and I rolled over onto her foot and tail, but apparently it was only a small part of me on her and nothing that even annoyed her enough to move. When I'm not sleeping well and going through this restless-type night, I always jump to worst conclusions. I thought I killed the dog when I was having a similar sleep at the campsite after that long hiking trip. *lol* I thought we had worn him out so much that he had died in his sleep. Both the cat and the dog are fine, I'm the freak!)
So as I threw my little tantrum this morning (they've gone from lasting all day to just a few moments now that I'm weighing every day) I asked myself "Why am I doing this? Why do I keep trying if it doesn't even work? I've been good all week except yesterday, so really...why?"
* Because it DOES work, when I work it.
* Because one week does not mean much in the grand scheme of a life.
* Because this week is not over, and neither is TOM.
* Because I still have so much to learn about myself and my body.
* Because as happy as I am to feel stronger and fitter, I really want to reach other goals.
* Because I've come too far to turn back now.
* Because, as my son reminded me in my 10k, the only way out of this is forward!
* Because I refuse to be a tale of "what could have been."
* Because even though the scale says I'm getting fatter, I've felt better about myself physically this week than I have in so long!
* Because I'm noticing all these changes in my body, and I can actually begin to see what I might look like as a thin person. And that person looks great!
* Because I'm no longer afraid to face down the demons, even if it's hard.
* Because I'm SO CLOSE to that mini-goal of 350.
* Because I've inspired the people around me to live healthier lives, and I don't want to be their inspiration to quit.
* Because I meet Becks in 2 weeks!!!!
* Because I see my family again at Thanksgiving and I want to make them smile!
* Because there are people counting on me, mainly? ME!
* Because I want to feel brave and confident, and the old me never felt that way.
* Because it feels good to sweat!
* Because it no longer seems insurmountable, and I don't want to go back to the place where it once seemed such.
* Because when I fight for it, I feel it.
* Because I no longer fear the thoughts of those around me. My thoughts matter more to me now.
* Because I have something worth living for - namely, two amazing children!
* Because it won't always be this hard.
* Because getting through this will make me stronger.
* Because I don't know what's ahead of me, but I know that I'll be able to face it better with the tools I've gained and the ones I have yet to learn.
* Because every day is a reason to fight.
* Because I REALLY want to be in those 24s by Christmas!
* Because I'm so close to saying, "I haven't been this small since high school!"
* Because I'm more than halfway to 100 pounds lost with Spark and 150 pounds lost overall.
* Because wouldn't it be great to be the winner for once?
* Because a little friendly competition never hurt anyone.
* Because the child in me that never got to be skinny deserves this from the adult me.
* Because I deserve this.
* Because I'm worth it.
* Because I spent 38 bucks this month on a gym membership, and I've vowed to stop wasting money!
* Because every step toward a healthy life is a step in the right direction.
* Because even though it feels like backwards motion, even though I can feel the strong headwinds, I know I can push through and move forward. And when it all comes to an end, I'll be further along than anyone who gave in to the wind, anyone who thought it was just too hard. I'll be further along because I put up a fight.
* Because I'm finally starting to love my body. Yes, I said it.
* Because pictures no longer scare me as much.
* Because I can tie my shoes without huffing and puffing.
* Because even though I know he teases, I also know that Hubs is immensely proud of his wife.
* Because I want him, and my kids, to always be proud of me!
* Because 60 pounds is just not enough. I've tasted first blood and I'm ready for more!
Do you guys remember the movie "Remember the Titans?" There is a sequence of lines in that movie that run through my head sometimes during workouts. It goes a little something like this:
Coach Boone: What are you?
Team: Mobile! Agile! Hostile!
Coach Boone: What is pain?
Team: French bread!
Coach Boone: What is fatigue?
Team: Army clothes!
Coach Boone: Will you EVER quit?
Team: NO! We want some mo', we want some mo', we want some mo'!!
So why do I keep fighting, even when it hurts? Even when the odds seem stacked against me? Even when the scale says it isn't working? Because quitting is not an option. If I keep fighting, I know that I'll win. The scale will have to agree...eventually.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Hello everyone! It's nice to have you here this afternoon/evening. I thank you for coming and ask you to take your seat for this most important introduction.
I asked you here today in order to introduce you to a friend of mine. Actually, friend is a rather loose term, but we'll get back to that later. Nonetheless, I've known Tom since middle school. We got aquainted one morning just before I headed off to school for the day.
Our relationship started off ....strained. First of all, his method of greeting was to scare the living daylights out of me. Now I usually don't invite anyone back into my life that makes such an awful first impression, but I gave Tom the benefit of the doubt. Later that day he surprised me while I was sitting through a math test by punching me in the gut. It hurt. A lot! And for a very long time.
You see, Tom isn't the nicest person. He's akin those Sour Patch Kid commercials, you know the ones...the girl wakes up in the morning and one of her ponytails has gone missing, you see Sour Patch Kid in the corner with the scissors and the clump of hair with a sly grin on his face, and then he drops the scissors and hair and attempts to apologize with a hug. Remember that one? Yes, Tom is a lot like that...except without the gushy ending. Most of the rejoicing happens AFTER Tom has left. And it's even worse when he leaves and then quickly comes back in. That's a cruel, sick, sadistic joke!
I often wonder what sort of childhood Tom had that has made him act out so brutally. But still, no matter how awfully bad he treats me, I can't seem to quit him. Nearly every month he knocks on my door and begs for entrance. He always promises that this time will be different. That this time he just wants to spend a few minutes with me, a few days, and wants to get to know me better. And, silly me, I fall for it...again and again.
And each and every month the experience is generally just different enough to shock me once again as to Tom's mean demeanor. How could my short term (and long term, for that matter) memory be so easily deceived or pushed aside? Tom comes in, and I say "Alright, but behave yourself." And he doesn't behave. And I'm left popping pain medications, nursing headaches, tummy aches, migraines. He makes me feel absolutely and completely worthless. I feel not in control. Tom has taken over my life and, until he leaves, I have very few defenses against him.
*sigh* Anyhow, I asked you here today to meet Tom. I should probably explain that between the past two days Tom has zapped me of all my energy, made my stomach turn and lurch, and caused horrible bodily functions that are both disgusting and downright unenjoyable. He has also been the cause of a headache and the consumption of a Hershey's chocolate candy bar. I wanted you to meet Tom because I figured many of you may know him already.
*starts whispering a little* Okay, here's the deal. I have Tom sequestered right now in a sound-proof booth. I told him we're playing a game show and that if he gets the question right he'll win a few prizes. He got so excited he blindfolded himself! Tee-hee!!! So, anyway, here's the plan...in a few moments, I'm going to announce Tom to the stage. First I have to give some hooplah about how "wonderful" he is, you know, so he thinks he's coming into a welcome environment, then I'll announce him out here and I want you all to cheer like I'm inviting you to come compare and contrast the physique of Taye Diggs, Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Mark Wahlberg, Orlando Bloom, Justin Timberlake, Usher, and Johnny Depp all by touch. *winks* I got you there, didn't I? So you cheer and I'll smile, and Tom will come out and I'll ask him some question...I haven't thought of it yet but whatever it is, we'll just pretend he's right whatever he answers and then the best part.... We'll carry Tom into one of those rockstar crowd surfing things. Oh it'll be great! Tom will think it's the best day of his life. But when he hits the center of the room, I want you guys drop him and we'll all jump on him and beat the living snot out of his selfish, stupid, egotistical, evil butt!
We got a deal? Good!
*motions off stage*
*louder* So, everyone, I'd like you to meet the man responsible for my two beautiful children. Tom made me the woman I am today. He constantly reminds me what it means to be a vibrant young woman and I owe him such a debt of gratitude for that. *forces a smile* Tom, why don't you come on out and meet the nice folks here...
*winks at the audience*
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
I've been a bad girl. I haven't been letting you all share in my WTF challenge goals and such, and that's just BAD! FYI - WTF stands for What The Fall? and is a challenge going on in one of my groups. But you don't need to be a member of the group to join the challenge. YOOVIE is posting the templates each week that you can fill out and share with YOUR friends (including me). And don't think "Well I wasn't there at the start so I can't do it." Forget that! I started one of the challenges like 1 or 2 weeks before it ended. I didn't care! Each week there's a new template, so new goals to set and to work on bettering yourself week after week!
This week's work:
~*~ WTF??? Template for 9/20-9/25 ~*~
Part One - Exercise & Nutrition!
Last week, I was able to do [[several new activites that made me more excited about exercise again]] and [[talked to the trainer girl to get advice on my hip issue]] which I am most proud of.
This week, I know that I will be able to do [[at least 1 Zumba class, 3 ST sessions with new hip-focused exercises, 1 C25k attempt, and get my butt to the gym even when it's difficult. I will even give myself 1-2 days OFF from the gym if I promise to do something active at home (cleaning, raking, mowing, gardening, etc.)]].
My exercise focus this week will be on [[staying focused, working toward fitting into my size 24 goal jeans, and getting those hips into shape!]].
My nutrition focus this week will be on [[LOGGING! I've been such a slacker... And pre-cooking, or cooking each night's meals the day before, since I didn't get my batch cooking done this weekend]].
[[Being a friend's bridesmaid and meeting my Becks]] is my reason for being extra determined this week.
Part Two - Happiness and Well-being
Come up with an idea for a ritual that you can do for yourself once a week, whether it is a run, a bubble bath, a meal, an indulgence, anything.
Describe it here in your template now, and do it this week- and if you can, blog about it.
[[I've read recently that lavendar baths help relax and calm you. I'm going to try to research where I can get some lavendar oil and take myself a bath this week in it. If I can't find the oil, I still promise myself the me-time bath with some great leg shaving, soft music, and focusing on what about my body has become more acceptable to me in my head. Then I'll finish with a self-mani/pedi while watching my favorite show.]]
Motivate me this week by [[sharing the amazing things you're doing and reminding me that I've got all the tools I need for success]].
My formal Entry Card:
~*~ WTF??? Entry Card- Template for 9/15-9/19 ~*~
Starting Weight: 356.8
Waist - 50.25
Hips - 61
Thigh - 25
Calf – 21.5
Upper Arm – 15.5 (tight)
Boobies - 50
Knee – 18
Current BMI: 54.2
During this challenge, I have a general goal of _GETTING INTO A SIZE 24 JEANS, GETTING BACK TO THE BASICS, AND LOSING 15 POUNDS_.
My biggest challenge will undoubtedly be _LEARNING TO LET THE PAST GO, FORGIVING MYSELF FOR SMALL MISTAKES, NOT COMPARING MYSELF TO YOU BEAUTIFUL LADIES, AND MOVING ON FROM HERE WITH FRESH EYES_.
My nutrition goals for the next 10 weeks will be focused on _MEASURING EVERYTHING, BATCH COOKING, AND NOT EATING OUT MORE THAN ONCE A WEEK (HOPEFULLY LESS)_.
My cardio goals for the next 10 weeks will be focused on _FINDING AT LEAST ONE NEW THING TO LOVE (THINKING OF TRYING TENNIS?) AND GETTING SOME SORT OF CARDIO EVERY DAY, EVEN JUST FOR 15 MINUTES_.
My strength training goals for the next 10 weeks will be focused on _BUILDING A STRONG CORE, WORKING MY HIPS INTO SHAPE, AND CONTINUING TO BUILD THE ARMS AND KNEES UP. ST 3 TIMES A WEEK WITH A BUNCH OF NEW THINGS ADDED IN_.
My rest and flexibility goals for the next 10 weeks will be focused on _TAKING YOGA ON AS A REGULAR WORKOUT AND MAKING PLENTY OF TIME FOR STRETCHING BOTH BEFORE, AFTER, AND EVEN DURING A WORKOUT_.
PART ONE - DIET & EXERCISE
Between now and 9/19, I am going to _WORKOUT EVERY DAY FOR AT LEAST 15 MINUTES, GET IN AT LEAST 1 ST SESSION WITH AT LEAST 2 NEW ST MOVES, MEASURE AND LOG EVERYTHING I EAT, AND BATCH COOK FOR NEXT WEEK_.
Between now and 9/19, I am not going to _ALLOW MYSELF TO SAY, “I WORKED OUT, SO I CAN EAT WHAT I WANT,” EAT OUT MORE THAN ONCE, OR LET MY INNER DEMON WIN THE EXCUSE WAR_.
These 3 excuses will be unusable for the duration of this template:
I’M TOO TIRED
I’VE DONE ENOUGH
***BONUS CHALLENGE- ADD UP HOW MANY CALORIES YOU *DRINK* THIS WEEK! (NON ALCOHOLIC AND ALCOHOLIC ALIKE!)
You can motivate me by _REMINDING ME THAT EVERY LITTLE BIT HELPS AND THAT IT’S A LIFE, NOT A QUICK JOURNEY_.
PART TWO - THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
This week, take the time to do one of the following just for yourself.
A. complete a fun project
B. start a fun project
C. brainstorm ideas for something you can do just for yourself over the winter, something that will take a semi-long time to complete. - Like make your own new bag, or put together a family photo album, or redecorate a room, or start a journal, or make a quilt, etc
D. Make a list of things you loved as a child but have not done or participated in for a very long time. See which ones you can incorporate into your grownup life.
Practice setting time aside for yourself, either every day or once a week, and allow yourself to be selfish for a little while, and recharge, so you can better handle the rest of your life and be better for your family or job and friends.
I don't really have "before" pictures yet that are modest enough and I feel comfortable enough sharing with everyone. I'll work on that this week because I have some goal jeans now that I need pics with too!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Yesterday was a different sort of day. I don't have a reason for it, I just felt more in control. I think sometimes we just have to "get through" the rough patches in order to come back to the realization that we're stronger than we ever imagined. For the past few weeks I've been giving into my excuses and letting them run me out of the gym, onto the couch, and back to the stove for a second helping. I resisted what I could and stayed out of complete danger zones whenever possible. But my stomach sure let me know when I was making a fool out of myself with my rebellion. Even my body has been protesting - a hurt finger, a cut on my tongue (no clue), and hives yesterday in one spot on my chest.
But yesterday, like I said, was a different sort of day, in that I didn't give in to every excuse I had to give myself. At lunch, I thought about just sitting here at my desk reading a book. But I didn't. I got up and went outside for a walk. It was a short walk, under a mile (I didn't change clothes and was starting to sweat...it's not QUITE as cool out there as I thought) and only 15 minutes, but it felt good to move my feet midday like that again.
The lull between when everyone else leaves at 4:30pm and when the 4-10ers get to leave at 6pm was unusually quiet yesterday since half of the 4-10ers were out leaving just 3 of us (and two all the way on the other side of the office). It was the longest hour and a half here at work! Still, at 5:45pm, I took the time to get my gym clothes on and lace up my running shoes. I wasn't sure what my gym routine would look like completely, but I did write up some sort of mini-plan on my notepad.
Cardio - 20-30 minutes
Core Work on Reclining Bench - 4 types of crunches, 15 reps each
Push-ups and Planks
Try cable machine for hip flex exercise
Cardio - 15-20 minutes
Full ST on machines
Full Stretch - 10-15 minutes
This is what a typical exercise gym routine looks like for me. It's like circuit training, and it keeps me from getting too bored on one machine. I've stopped telling myself WHERE to get my cardio, and have started simply saying - Do something! Anything!! So with this plan in mind, and the realization that it could quickly slip through my fingers like it has so much in the past few weeks, I went to the gym anyways.
I figured I'd do the elliptical. It's easy. The treadmill has been frustrating me lately anyhow because, well, I'm not too sure why. I guess too many hours spent on the stupid thing for training squeeking out 4 miles here, 3 miles there, 3 times a week. Got VERY boring! I got to hate the stupid dreadmill. But when I got upstairs I walked right past my elliptical and put my waterbottle into the hole on the treadmill, claiming it as mine, calling it out, setting up a duel. With headphones in, my playlist shuffling its heart out, and my waterbottle good and cold (and half-full), I started for just a slow walk. Surprises of surprises, 3.0 has become ...mundane. I find myself nearly tripping as my body tried to go faster than the speed I had set for it. So I upped it to 3.2 and found that much more to my liking, but still pretty easy. After a 5 minute warm-up, I saw my hand moving back to the speed up arrow, and I jumped the machine to a 3.7 and found myself walking at a challenging, but doable, 16 minute mile pace. One minute, I told myself, just 60 seconds. It was just a moment, a thought in my head, and I realized that what I wanted that night was a C2F5k program. So I set it up in my head. Enough with the planning and thinking, this is on the go work! Fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of tinkering with a workout. 20 minutes later and fully exhausted, I settled into a cool down and thought, "That's good. That'll be just fine."
I stretched coming off the machine and looked over at the ab reclining bench thinking, "Oh no!" And then I took a deep breath, filled my water bottle again, and trudged over to the other side of the gym. I picked up the 6 lb. medicine ball (pretty blue!), having to walk right past the bodybuilding couple. (Intimidation x10!) They smiled and said hello, and I returned the same. And then I carried my stuff to the ab reclining bench and began. And it all hurt (in a good way) and I kept thinking, "No, that's enough. That's good for now. It's better than nothing, right?" And then I kept going. All 60 done. 4 sets (different types of crunches) of 15 reps later, I'm wiping down the bench and heading over to return the medicine ball.
I didn't want to do my planks either. But I did. I didn't want to follow it with my push-ups. Still, I did. And I really didn't want to look like a fool trying to figure out the cable machine (I was so scared of the humiliation if the ankle cuff didn't fit my ankle!!). I did it anyways. I went over to that machine, I got my bearings, I did the best I could and I felt better after having accomplished a little tiny something I've never done before.
I thought I was done after that. I really did. But I'd been carrying those silly handwrap boxing gloves around with me all night, so I really SHOULD use them. I ended up there for 15 minutes...and nearly made a new friend. (She was a shy girl, young, likely a few years younger than me, and I don't know that I've seen her there before...maybe once. She heard me in the boxing room as she was walking the track and she slipped in behind me while I was on the speedbag. She kicks REALLY high! *jealous!!* But I could tell she wanted to feel that speedbag. I made sure to switch on and off in case she wanted to jump in, but she waited until I left and then I hear one pop, and another, followed by the sound of the speedbag bouncing off the hook it hangs from...I wanted to help, but she'd already switched back to the punching bag and we both seem to be on the shy side. I left it alone. Maybe next time one of us will be more brave. We shared smiles last night, nothing more.)
When boxing was done, I filled the water bottle again and headed downstairs. I didn't want to do the weight machines...but I did. All of them. And I challenged myself to up the weight on a few and the reps on a few others. I felt the workout already and all that was left was a final stretch. And suddenly I catch myself walking over to a bench in the weight lifter area, right next to bodybuilding couple, and I sit down on the edge and proceed to do tricep dips. What the crap? I then found a quiet corner and stretched it out. And I walked back to the locker room with my head held high and my muscles already a little sore. Felt good. Felt VERY good.
I went home. I helped take out the trash (I never do MORE after I get home from a workout!). I heated up some Jambalaya and ate it up. And then I opened my mail and cried a little bit.
"Enclosed you will find a medal for you and your son. A 10K is an amazing accomplishment no matter if you run or walk or any combination. I was heartbroken when I read about not giving walkers a medal. I know it won't erase the memories of that day, but focus on the feeling you had crossing that finish line." ~ Clare
Thank you so much, Clare! You had both of us smiling from ear to ear!! (Ethan kept saying, "I've got TWO now!! *lol*) This medal is even more special than any I could have gotten from the race organizers. it's from a fellow Sparkie. It's from one of my girls. One of the people who has watched me struggle, who knows what I deal with emotionally and physically on a daily and weekly basis, and who even has watched me fall, doubt myself, and then, bruised and battered, get back up again. Words can't express how thankfull we are to you for your kindness and generosity!
Yesterday was a different sort of day. Crazy stuff happened. I could have stressed over every little thing. But I didn't. Instead I found myself doing what I knew best - challenging myself. I found myself acting like the new-old me (does that make sense?). Excuses came the WHOLE TIME! The entire day I found excuses to eat what I wanted, do what I wanted, not do what I didn't want. And all I could think was, "What's that, Lucy? Another football for me to kick?" I wasn't falling for the same stupid lines. Not this time. Not again. I wasn't letting that inner doubter win. I was going to do what I knew was right whether it "hurt" or not. And this morning I woke up ready to continue the streak.
I didn't want to get out of bed. But I did. I didn't want to slave over the stove just for a healthy omelet breakfast. But I did. I'm hoping I can keep this going for another 4 months and keep the streak alive. I have new goals in mind, and new Sparkers to meet! I have family to see at holiday events soon, and I want jaws to drop to the floor! I want the need for industrial forklift companies on speeddial to pick up said jaws from the floor. I want the "Wow!" comments to keep rolling. I want to catch someone out of the corner of my eye looking me up and down. I want them to ask me how. I want to hear that they are proud. I can't wait to see them, and I can't wait to say - Well, no...the whole college thing is not helping me one bit. I still don't have a better job. I'm still making the same crappy income. I haven't written much and haven't published anything. I didn't get into any of the graduate schools I applied to. But I've done THIS to change my life for the better. And it's working! It's something I can manage. And I have NOTHING to be ashamed of!
"I'm always sore! I'm sick of being sore!"
"I want to just spend time with my family."
"I just don't want to!"
"Haven't I earned a rest? A break?"
"One won't hurt, right?"
"A little is better than nothing, right?"
What's that, Lucy? Another football for me to kick? I know this storyline and it always ends with me, sad, lonely, betrayed and depressed on my arse on the ground. I ain't falling for it this time!
Monday, September 20, 2010
I've been noticing lately that there's something different about the way I walk. Five months ago, walking was difficult, to say the least. Now it's no surprise that walking has become easier (my breathing and distance especially) but even a walk to the bathroom has changed.
Faster - First of all, my walk speed has increased, even if it's just walking down the hall to check my mailbox and see if I've gotten any work yet. (Seriously, two days with NOTHING is starting to get to me!) Even grocery shopping with the Hubs has become more enjoyable. My husband has always walked super fast, and keeping up with him at any time was a challenge. I always used to tell him to stop running and he'd turn to me, laugh, and say, "This is just my normal pace." A few months ago he turned to me as we were walking into the grocery store, stopped, and said, "You're keeping up with me!" *lol*
Head Up - Okay, we all hear about how your confidence is boosted by living a more healthy lifestyle, but really I never expected to be walking with my head held high at 350 pounds! There are days when this changes, when I feel not so great and start comparing myself to the hot ladies around me, but those days are becoming few and far between. I'm more confident now. My head is up. I smile and say hello to people. And for those of you keeping track, I rarely get that "STOP LOOKING AT MY STOMACH" feeling anymore. I don't know if people just don't see it as much, or if I'm distracting them with my winning personality and charming hello, or if I'm just not as affected by it as I once was.
Pain Killers - Walking used to hurt. I work as a secretary, which means WAY TOO MUCH time on my rump. So when I'd get up after hours of sitting, I'd feel a lot of stiffness and pain in my hips, knees, legs, and back. I still have painful days, but those are usually following a difficult workout the day before, and that pain, I feel, is totally justified. I get up now from my desk and walk down the hall without the killer pain I used to have in my joints. It makes me feel almost normal. And getting out of the car after an hour commute? Not really all that creaky anymore!
Can't Stop - I fidget a lot more now. I can't stand to sit at my desk for long periods of time. I used to avoid going to my mailbox, the bathroom, anywhere. I'd wait until it was absolutely necessary for me to do so. But lately, I make special trips just as an excuse to move. I don't want to sit here all day! There are times when I stand at my desk and type because I just want to be on my feet. There are times when I'll walk around my cubicle and clean just because I need a reason to be moving around again. And parking in the parking lot is hilarious, because every week I seem to get further and further from the front door. I used to park a few spots from the front door. Now I don't mind if I have to park halfway down the parking lot. That little walk into the office in the morning makes me feel like my day is starting a little better. It gives me time to get the blood flowing after an hour drive to work.
So how has your walk changed? Do you strut? Have you found it easier to move? Sometimes we think in terms of big things. 100 pounds lost...marathons....lofty goals that keep us going, sure. But I think it's also important to notice the little things that have changed for us. I like my new walk. My feet and legs and whole body feel much stronger. And I know with each step I take I'm taking myself into the next phase of my life.
Strut your stuff today!
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