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Weigh-In Day and Another Reason to Lose

Sunday, September 19, 2010

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Weigh-in Day

Starting Weight: 466.6
SP SW: 416.2
Last Week: 355.8
This Week: 352.2
Loss/Gain: -3.6
SP Total Loss: 64
Total Loss: 114.4

Quote of the Day:
“If it is to be, it is up to me.”

This week was crazy. I'm still not sure how I lost nearly 4 pounds, but I'll take it. I skipped my workout yesterday because my legs were super sore, and I know it's from that reclining ab bench at the gym. I love that I've found something that really challenges my body like that! Yesterday I saw 349 on the scale, but I knew it would go up a bit today. TOM has hit and my weight likes to juggle like this. Still, it was so exciting to see that number, and I'm hoping that within the next two weeks I can see it again and again and move down from that!

Last night I got hit with another reason to lose. I met my friend Sarah four years ago at the job I'm in now. She trained me in my position and later moved on. This summer she headed off to the west coast (Seattle) with her boyfriend and I was so afraid we would lose touch completely. We've done a pretty good job keeping touch, though. Through Facebook, ironically. Last night I got a message from her that she set her wedding date and wants me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. *GULP*

The first thing I did was cry. I have this self-esteem issue with my friends getting married. In the past I've felt like my friends don't want me to be in their weddings because of my weight, which is why the only weddings I've been in are my mother's second marriage and my sister's. So for my friend who is now so far away and who has only been a friend for about 4 years ask me to be in her wedding just filled my heart.

After I got over the emotional part of it all, the math began. *lol* How little could I possibly be for this wedding? Thankfully, the date is FAR off. She told me as soon as they picked the date because she wanted to give me a heads-up (it's in Utah, which means I've got to get some money together so I can get us all down there). July 17, 2011. So I start doing the math and I'm thinking I might be able to be around 250 when I get there if I keep a steady pace and have a few push weeks here or there. I know 250 still sounds big, but for me...I haven't been that small since high school. Plus, with the way my body is changing already (I've already got collarbone poppage at 350 pounds, for crying out loud!) I have hopes that I can get my body into a shape that looks good on me.

So, there it is. Another reason for me to keep going, keep losing, keep learning how to be healthy. Plus, there's the added bonus of a trip, which means VACATION! in some regards! *lol* PLUS, the place in Utah we're going I've been told is in between 4 national parks. Can you say hiking!?! WOOT!

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Weight Goal for next week: 350
(Let's face it...I'd love for it to be 349.9 or lower! *lol*)

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Food Goals:
* Measure everything!
* Record/track everything!
* Find some time to make dinners. (I didn't get my batch cooking in this weekend so I'm going to have to improvise this week. I have the stuff for dinners, so I have to find time to make them. Maybe tonight I can get 2 meals made, and then eat night make dinner for the next night or something...always staying a step ahead.)

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Fitness Goals:
* Sunday - 2-3 mile walk
* Monday - 1-2 miles treadmill or elliptical, abs on reclining bench, full ST, push-ups, planks, cable machine for hips
* Tuesday - Zumba
* Wednesday - 2-3 miles treadmill or elliptical, ST, rowing
* Thursday - Zumba
* Friday - 3-4 miles treadmill or elliptical, ST, boxing
* Saturday - C25k attempt 4 with modifications

Ultimate fitness goal - Calorie burn of 3000-4000

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Other Goal
* Write at least 1 page a day for 4 work days.
* Use extra time for writing articles.
* Look for and apply to at least 2-5 jobs.
* Make sure all forms are in for Weight Management program through insurance company.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KITHKINCAID 9/21/2010 12:34PM

    Oh my gosh - Utah is SO gorgeous. You will LOVE hiking there. And you can TOTALLY do 250 by then! Girl - I don't even have collar bone poppage yet - you're doing so amazing. And I'm so happy that your friend asked you to be in her wedding. What an honour. That's so awesome.

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ATROTTIER 9/20/2010 4:45PM

    YES!! Congrats!! I'm so excited for you and I know how you feel about being "asked" to be in a friend's wedding and it is emotional. I love the "collarbone poppage" comment!!! awesome girl!! great job on the weight loss last week, you earned it! emoticon

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LOOKY-LOU 9/20/2010 12:00AM

    She asked because she wanted YOU...not your weight whether it's 250 or 350...she wants YOU!!!

Remember that...

You are worth it! emoticon

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.DUSTY. 9/19/2010 10:38PM

    emoticon emoticon

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THREEE 9/19/2010 10:21PM

    congratulations on the popping collar bones...THAT is something i lOOk forward to...

oh, 10 months...young lady, 10 pounds a month IS doable for you...i don't think that is a problem...and what a reward for your continuing efforts--a trip AND a wedding...lovely

i wish you luck, but what you need is CONTINUED perseverance which i think YOU have made in the shade...i wish you LUCK, LUCK, LUCK anyway

go, go, go!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MAGPIE17 9/19/2010 8:45PM

    Yay Esther! Congrats on the weight loss and being a bridesmaid! I totally think you can reach 250 by next July, the way you're burning through this, and the program you're starting through work....rock this week, girl!

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CHICAT63 9/19/2010 3:51PM

    Oh, so happy for you that you friend has requested for you to be her bridesmaid, how touching indeed !!! Woohoo, on your loss and your plans. And you will be just beaming as a bridesmaid. emoticon emoticon

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ATREAT4ME 9/19/2010 1:56PM

    It is such an honor to be in the wedding party! You are doing such an amazing job. No doubt you'll have so much fun and your friend will be so happy you're there to help her celebrate. Great job!

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KARVY09 9/19/2010 1:44PM

    Congrats on the loss and the collarbones (OMG)! You're going to be a beautiful bridesmaid no matter what your weight!

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RUSSELLORAMA 9/19/2010 1:44PM

    Those are great goals and you have done sooooo amazing!!

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CBARRETT10 9/19/2010 1:23PM

  You've come a long way baby! You'll do fine on your weight loss.
I know you're going to look AMAZING!
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YOOVIE 9/19/2010 12:24PM

    omfg I can't believe you've lost 115 pounds. That's like, a whole model!

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HEATHER_TEACHAH 9/19/2010 12:12PM

    I am *so* proud of you for coming this far and EEEE!!!!! can you imagine being 250 for the wedding??? what AMAZING motivation!!!!!!!!!!!

HUGS

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HONEYBUNCH24 9/19/2010 12:06PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
YOU are doing FANTASTIC!!!

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 9/19/2010 11:39AM

    No matter where you are physcially, you are going to be BEAUTIFUL!

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MFFNSLYR 9/19/2010 11:34AM

    What a great incentive to lose the extra pounds! emoticon

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SARAWALKS 9/19/2010 11:18AM

    What fantastic motivation! And you've already come so far! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

LOVE your plan, it inspires me. Hey, you could even get up & cheer while you're watching DA GAME! emoticon

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_DASH_ 9/19/2010 11:13AM

    i have complete faith in you.

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READINESSISALL 9/19/2010 10:52AM

  These are such great goals, and what a flattering thing that your friend asked you to be her bridesmaid. You will be a beautiful bridesmaid!!! :) Check you out, all sore from the ab bench! You are workin' it! Great job! And congrats again! Your friend is lucky to have you by her side!

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JEREMY723 9/19/2010 10:46AM

    A great goal and a great place to visit. Never been myself, would love to get out west some day.

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JBABY27 9/19/2010 10:32AM

    you are so inspirational. You have a good head on your shoulders and are extremely motivated. i can't wait to see where you will be weeks/months down the line. keep it up!

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COMPASSLOST1 9/19/2010 10:29AM

    :) Amazing. You are doing such a fantastic job. Congratulations on being asked to be in your friend's wedding!!!!!!! Clearly, you are very honored. Your goals are spot on! Very achievable and at the same time challenging. I know you'll do a fantastic job. I can't WAIT until you get under 350!!!!!!!!!! Wooooo!!

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SWEETS86 9/19/2010 10:28AM

    You will do it! You are rockin'!

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GROEDER 9/19/2010 10:14AM

    Way to go!!! Sounds like you have a great plan and I'm betting on you to hit that 250 mark by the wedding!!!
My best to you as you continue.

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PTMOMROCKIT 9/19/2010 10:04AM

    You go girl! What amazing achievements you've worked for so far!! It's amazing how short term goals can help break the monotony and give you a glimpse of the light at the end! You can do it, keep up the AMAZING effort, and thanks for the the motivation with my Sunday morning coffee!!

sarah

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ILOVELIFE2012 9/19/2010 10:03AM

    Awesome blog. You sound like a pretty awesome person. So organized. Congrats on your weight loss to date. Fantastic!!!

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JAPOPE1 9/19/2010 10:02AM

  these are great goals..you can do it!

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Let the Journey Continue

Saturday, September 18, 2010

I spent yesterday as a slave to the clock. I knew I had a meeting at my son's school at 1pm, but by 11am I was at the gym trying to squeeze in a workout. The trainer girl was there. Actually, I'm not sure if she's a trainer. She might be a physiologist or whatever it is. Either way, she's always helpful and encouraging. After my flub last week of not getting a chance to talk to her, I was hoping I would get a chance again this week.

I started on the elliptical because, as of yet, it's the best bang for my buck as far as calorie burn vs. time spent. I set it to the Weight Loss mode and finished the 33 minute routine and cool-down. I did notice that my pace has increased considerably as it's now around a steady 130 pace (it used to hold around 115 or so). All through my elliptical routine I kept eyeing the reclining ab bench across from me and decided, "I'm going to try THAT today." (I love trying new things at the gym!!)

Once I got done I grabbed a 4lb. medicine ball and headed to the ab bench. Crazy! I'm telling you right now that the bench and I are going to have a love/hate relationship. If you're getting bored with your floor crunches, try a reclining bench like this! Not only does it really push the work on your abs (OMG I totally felt it!), but it also works your hips as you struggle to maintain balance and really fight against gravity here. I usually do 100 floor crunches, but this time I only got 60 in. It was TOUGH! YAY for a challenge!

The whole time I was watching my watch, trying to gauge how much time I had left and I figured I had just enough time to push out a full ST routine on the machines. As I pulled out my record sheet for my ST routine, the trainer girl at the front desk came over and said simply, "So how long did you do?" That's one thing about this gym. They take an interest in their clients. They rejoice with you and help you when there's any issue. I took it as my opportunity to ask her some quick questions. I told her about the reclining ab bench and how much it just about killed me. "Oh, so it was a good challenge for you?" Yep! And that's when I really dove into my discussion. I told her about how I felt it in my hips and how that was a good thing because I was really trying to find machines that would build me stronger hips. I told her that I was trying to run, just a little bit, and that it had given me serious pain in my left hip. I explained that I had been studying the different workouts I could do to really strengthen that hip so it wouldn't cause me pain when I tried to run.

"I love that you said it like that!" she said. (Huh?) "You didn't say, 'So I'm not going to do that anymore.'"

I felt the biggest pride in myself. I told her that giving up was not an option and I felt like she was just as proud of me as I was. She offered to show me the cable machine (using the ankle cuff I can do several workouts for my hips) and told me to make sure I'm doing the two leg machines, which I am.

Do you know what I wish? I wish I had the gym to myself for just one hour. I feel intimidated sometimes to try new things while I'm there, but if I had the time to just fumble through it and try everything out I'd feel much more brave to really get a full-body workout when I'm in there. So, I ask you - how can I find a way to kick out every single person out of the gym?? *lol* I guess that's not reasonable, so I'll just have to get more brave about asking questions. I'll have to try things and fail in front of everyone, and be okay with that. I won't know what I'm capable of until I really push myself, but it's so scary to fail in front of those skinny-minnies!

My eating has been a little off but I'm still in my calorie ranges so I'm not stressing. I did have a little bit of cake last night, the sugar-free kind. And then I proceeded to have serious stomach problems. It sounds strange, but...could I be allergic to something in this cake mix? I lost all color in my face, had serious stomach cramps, and felt all in all AWFUL! Trashing that stuff! EEP! Thankfully I feel better this morning.

So journey on. I'm still learning. I'm still getting through. Yesterday was very stressful. I'm having job issues, house issues, car issues (including accidentally running into a sign at the football field)...it's been a rough few weeks. But I gotta stick to the one thing I know how to do...live healthy.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KITHKINCAID 9/21/2010 12:23PM

    You should totally ask that trainer to give you a machine introduction. They do it for prospective members - so since you ARE a member they should give you a quick run through for free!

And I TOTALLY hear you on the stomach issues. That happens to me any time I eat anything that is "sugar free" "fat free with Olean" or has any other heavy preservative in it to make it taste good. They replace the real sugar with sugar alcohols that don't digest in the stomach. They go straight to the lower intestine and then are rejected by the body so need to make a quick exit - blech!

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REDSASSENACH 9/20/2010 9:28AM

    I always used to be self conscious at the gym, mine is in my office park and is full of high-power yuppies that do triathlons and stuff like that- and here I am, heavier-than-I-wanna-be redhead with a bunch of tattoos. I stick out like a sore thumb. But, I put my headphones on and I'm in my own world, and I figure- I'm there doing the work, so I'm proud. They might judge me if they saw me on the couch with a bag of doritos- but I have nothing to be ashamed of working my tail off at the gym. I just tell myself they see me and silently cheer me on for being there with them- not 'what is SHE doing here?!'

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LOOKY-LOU 9/19/2010 11:56PM

    At my gym, if I see someone working on a machine and I want to try it, I just go over to them and say, "Can you explain how this machine works?"

99% of the time, people are awesome...don't ask the same person more than once in one day, cuz you never know if they are in a hurry, but I think most people really are happy to help!

And if they are rude...well you didn't want to be their friend anyway...

Go for it! You will make "gym buddies" and that's so much better than having the gym to yourself!

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MAGPIE17 9/19/2010 8:43PM

    I'm glad you got to talk to the trainer, and she gave you exercises to help you prep for running! Yay!

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CYNDER 9/19/2010 10:12AM

    Great job!

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MADDEELOU 9/19/2010 9:49AM

    emoticon Congrats on trying new things at the gym. The trainer sounds awesome. Can you schedule an appointment with her and have her show you how to use the equipment you are not familiar with?

Glad you are feeling better. Stay strong!

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THREEE 9/19/2010 1:11AM

    I DO have a suggestion to get the gym to yourself if you are not opposed to a little flatulence emoticon

oh, i just love that your trainer is both encouraging AND apparently well-informed...so many gyms hire people to 'sit' the machines and have so little empathy...i think you've found a gem at the gym emoticon

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NACHOSMAMA 9/18/2010 6:51PM

    Keep on keepin' on, girl. You can do it!

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MRSSIBRAT 9/18/2010 6:16PM

    omg love this girl!!!! You are braver then me...I am just now starting to feel more comfortable in the gym...especially in the weight section cause all the guys are there like starting at you. Fortunatly my husband is there with me so that makes me feel a little better....I am sooo excited that you found something to help strengthen your hip!! You WILL be running soon!!

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RAVENSONG37 9/18/2010 6:03PM

    One thing I noticed about being at the gym is that everyone is really open and happy to offer advice or suggestions. No one was born being an expert at using gym equipment so people are usually pretty helpful. I know I am. :) I am so proud of you for sticking to it. Great job!

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CHICAT63 9/18/2010 4:03PM

    Never be intimated to ask questions at your gym, seriously ! It avoid uneccessary injuries believe me when I tell you. Sista, with time you will let go of this "...but it's so scary to fail in front of those skinny-minnies! " you are there to TRAIN, you are a valuable member of that gym; you count also. That trainer or the woman that encouraged don't be afraid to take some of her time especially if she is offering.

I can relate to stomach problems, I seem to have those when I digest too much "artificial stuff, i.e.: Splenda, diet drinks and whatever". Drinking a lot of water and have you tried taking in ground flaxseed every day, it helps.




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ERIN4771 9/18/2010 2:06PM

    i love how you are always trying something new, not shying away from it because it's new and intimidating.....keep kickin butt chica!!!!


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MNGIRLIE 9/18/2010 1:54PM

    I totally hear you on wishing you had the gym to yourself for an hour. That's the very reason I never tried the elliptical machines they had there because I was worried I'd like like a dummy fumbling around on it. Not to mention I never got a full walkthrough on all the weight machines I was pretty intimidated to try those too.

I'm glad to hear the gal at the gym applauded you for your frame of mind on the running and trying to strengthen your hip. She's right. You're going about this the proper way and you'll see the benefits before too long.

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_AIYANNA_ 9/18/2010 12:35PM

    I'm glad you had such a great time at the gym. I'd love to able to go to the one in my town while my daughter's at school but I don't feel that I can ask my MIL to babysit my son for something like this. They don't have a child area either.
Why don't you try going to the gym at a time when there are less people so you would feel less intimidated to try out more equipment? You could ask the trainer you met if there's a less busy time during the day.
As for the cake, artificial sweeteners can cause bad reactions to some people.

Have a great weekend and keep up the amazing work xxx

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READINESSISALL 9/18/2010 12:11PM

  Way to go at the gym! It can be SOOO intimidating, but you did such a great job! Should we all start calling you little gym rat?! haha
Hope you have a fabulous weekend!

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MAIRESAURUS 9/18/2010 11:49AM

    Congratulations on conquering the ab bench!

I second SHIMMER. Every time I have Splenda, my stomach feels bloated and uncomfortable. Even a tad bit pins-and-needle-y. It's something about artificial sweeteners that do not agree with me (or many folks, as it appears!). Perhaps try natural sweeteners like Truvia/Stevia, black strap molasses, honey, and yes, sugar, in your baking.

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HARMONYBLUE 9/18/2010 11:49AM

    What a great gym experience. Glad you learned a couple of new machines,especially to strengthen your hips. Can't wait to hear you are running pain free!

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-SHIMMER-ANN- 9/18/2010 11:38AM

    It could be a reaction to the sugar substitute in the cake. Splenda makes my stomach blow up huge, and causes some really gross side effects...blah.

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SPUNKYDUCKY 9/18/2010 11:29AM

    Sounds like you had a fantastic time at the gym. Glad that you found something new to challenge yourself with and *completely* understand the concept of a love/hate relationship. I am headed out for a bike ride and going to hit some hills today, which will definitely be both love and hate as welL!

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Back to the Basics - Leg3.Day1

Thursday, September 16, 2010

I don't know what it is about 5 months or 60 pounds or the change in seasons, but something in me snapped last night. After all the support I received here on Spark, I still felt overwhelmed and completely underappreciated...not by Sparkies, but by people in the world around me, people I have to face everyday, people who, I know in my heart, love me no matter what. That evil little monster crept into my head and reminded me of all the bad things I used to tell myself, and I felt completely powerless against him.

My little devil might not be like yours. He tries so many different ways to make me fail so that he can win. Sure, he holds the regular "you're a loser" card in front of my face from time to time, and whenever I'm not strong enough, I believe him. And it extends beyond weight loss and exercise. He sits down and lists the reasons why I'm a loser. They include:

* You went back to school and STILL nobody wants to hire you.
* The people at work don't like you.
* Your job sucks, and it doesn't pay hardly anything.
* No matter how hard you work and how many hours you put in, you're stuck.
* You will NEVER be a competitive athlete.
* You can't even seem to stay on task for a week without slipping up.
* There is NOTHING special about you.
* Everyone around you can run circles around you.
* No matter how hard you try, you will always be inferior.

I rarely have fat-head syndrome either. Instead, my evil demon has tried another interesting method of cheating me out of my fire...it's a type of reverse psychology. Until I see a picture or look in the mirror, I believe that I'm smaller than I actually am. Growing up there were times I didn't understand why I got so much attention for being overweight, because I didn't see myself as that big, even though I really was. I would (and still do) compare myself to other overweight people and tell myself they're bigger than I am, even though I've got them beat by at least 30 pounds. I have skinny-head syndrome and, sometimes, it can be a show stopper. Why would I need to lose weight if my brain is telling me I'm just fine the way I am? I can fit there, I can do that, I'm not THAT big! But the truth is, I am. (Is this just me? I hear all the time about fat-head syndrome, but never the reverse.)

Yesterday those little demons in my head got the best of me, and I called in sick not to my full-time job, but to myself. I lied to myself and told myself I needed a mental health day and rest away from the exercise and healthy eating habits I have held myself to for months. It was not a good night. I spent no less than 4 hours yelling at myself in my head, telling myself I was worthless and not worth the time or energy required, and just having a big, fat pity-party for myself. And, yes, junk food was involved.

But this morning, for some strange reason, I woke up feeling better than I have in a while. Sure, there was a little guilt over last night. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and shook my head at myself asking, "What have you done?" But I took a deep breath and tried to refocus.

This is not easy. None of it. And it doesn't get easy as time progresses. In fact, sometimes it gets harder because the emotional part of it comes up and bites you in the big rear end. And as you're standing there, rubbing your bum, shocked and confused and afraid, you wonder where to go from here. And as I asked myself that very thing this morning, the answer came to me without much effort - time to go back to the basics.

Today is Day 1. Forget yesterday. Forget the past 5 months. Forget it all and move on from here like you're starting this journey anew. Sure, you're in a different place at THIS starting line than you were at the last, but that will just allow you to focus on new things. I guess what I'm saying is, I've decided that this is the next leg of this never-ending journey.

It starts today.
It starts with measuring everything once again.
It starts with religious logging of everything eaten.
It starts with attempting to follow the Spark plan to a T.
It starts with an exercise plan that includes activity every day.
It starts with baby steps that are a smidge bigger than before.

I feel like a toddler who has grown into a young child, a tween, if you will. I'm still working on becoming who I will become, but I have to let that child-like part of me go and learn to grow up. I'm building up my wings. I've learned to walk, now it's time to learn to fly. I need to focus on what is important to the process.

The What the Fall challenge started without me yesterday, but I'm hoping my girls will give me a free pass. I was mourning the loss of my inner child and making it possible for me to move on. Sometimes we have to start again. Sometimes we have to let go in order to move on.

Time to get back to the basics. Today is Day One.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANEWKIRBIE 9/17/2010 11:34AM

    I have the skinny head syndrome too..and man does it stink! I like the way I look..face wise, and I think that my body is a lot slimmer than it is, then I catch a peek at myself coming out of the shower and BLEH! It is tough.
I find this "weight loss thing" kind of like an onion, I am peeling back layer after layer and realising things that I didn't know about myself before or I never really took the time to think or know about. Sometimes you do need to take time off and figure out your own stuff before you can push on.
You're getting there, and you're doing great Esther, welcome to the tween's it's where I am too.

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THREEE 9/16/2010 6:48PM

    DO NOT TALK MEAN TO OUR FRIEND...STOP IT...we don't like to hear that

actually, it SOUNDS like you came around...a fresh start is a great idea emoticon

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KITHKINCAID 9/16/2010 6:17PM

    I totally have/had "Skinny Head". I never understood what people were making such a big deal about. But approaching 50 pounds lost and only 2 people really "noticing" that I've lost weight is a real eye opener. I was so big, had so much to lose, that 50 pounds is only a drop in the bucket. And it sucks. SUCKS! It's depressing when the reality of the amount of denial I was in finally hit me. I realized that that denial was protecting me though. Protecting me from really feeling all the hurt and pain of being so overweight and unhappy. But once I was honest with myself and stopped the denial it got a lot easier and I just started accepting the fact that it was going to take a LONG time to get where I want to be eventually and that people aren't going to notice, and that's ok. It's my journey anyway.

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SUGIRL06 9/16/2010 3:49PM

    I am glad you have your heard back on straight today! We all have those days! Good idea to start over. You can do it!
~Ang

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ERIN4771 9/16/2010 12:48PM

    i swear we must share the same little devil!!!! eekk....it is hard to face the day sometimes when that voice starts questioning everything and pushing you back down, believe me, i dealt with it a few days ago....it seems the closer and more confident i get, something can trigger it, and sadly when i am in a bad mood, i tend to look for the triggers to reaffirm the put downs in my head.....wow...that did no sound good at all....onto something more positive....you are starting a new day, a new way and with a better attitude, that's what matters, and a for the little devil, kick his *ss to the curb, not mine, mind you, but the curb no less....keep up the awesome blogs!!! you are an inspiration to me if that counts for anything emoticon

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ABETTERCHERYL 9/16/2010 11:53AM

    I LOVE days when you just get a huge dose of motivation, seemly out of nowhere! For some reason, you just wake up with a new reality check and the courage to do something about it. You ARE worth it. You CAN do this. It's not going to be easy but this is going to be one of the harder things in life that will completely worth it.

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MEGSFITNESS 9/16/2010 11:50AM

    Gosh, I have skinny-head syndrome all the time. It makes it harder to lose weight because it fools me into thinking that I'm *happy* at this weight. heh..

Sorry to hear about your bought with the devils. They seem to be bigger, the more we give in to them. Next time that devil starts piping up, just ask yourself if you'd say any of those things to your spark friends or to your husband or to your child. If you wouldn't say it to us--don't say it to yourself. Don't even let it in. Argue with yourself if you have to, but try to counter every negative with a positive or at least say to yourself, out loud if you have to "If I won't say that to Megs, I won't say that to myself."

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Welcome back to your FastBreak. Welcome to Spark People! Thanks for joining us. I know you'll love the community here :) (hehe.. as part of your new starting line)

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FLWRCHLD97 9/16/2010 11:38AM

    I have skinny head syndrome too - it's very weird, I just read another blog this morning about someone else who has the same symptoms. I just left a comment on that blog that when I look in the mirror, I don't see who I am and what I really look like. It doesn't click with me until I see a picture of myself, then I think to myself, "God, am I really that obese?"...

For the longest time I told myself that I loved how I looked, that I was comfortable and content in this body. But, deep down inside, I don't think that was true. I think I just told myself hoping that I would believe it. I now know that it can be different and that I deserve to be happy and healthy. I can choose to see the "real me" and I can choose to do something about it.

My body will one day catch up to what I think it should be :-) Just like yours will. We can't do everything we want to as soon as we want it to happen. We abused our bodies for years (physically and even mentally), it's going to take time for our bodies (and minds) to adjust to a new life style - but we will get there, because we are worth it!

We will slip up along this journey too, we are human, we make mistakes. There is no "perfect" anything (perfect body, perfect day, perfect human, perfect whatever). If we can learn to accept the fact that we will make mistakes, maybe we can learn that it's okay and not beat ourselves up over it (accept that fact and move on, don't dwell but ask what can we do better NEXT TIME...because there will be a next time).

One thing that I know is different this time in my journey, is having the support and love of my fellow sparkies! Everyone I've met so far has been spectacular with their support and encouragement!!!

I like your attitude, we should take it one day at a time. And, I liked your analogy of letting go of the inner child, well said!

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 9/16/2010 11:01AM

    In every journey there will be peaks and valleys. It means you are human. Sorry you aren't at a high point right now. The good news, you know what you need to do. Getting back to basics is a great idea, I just recently re-evaluated what worked for me when things were going good vs what I'm doing now. Small changes will lead to big results. I just know it.

I see a beuatiful strong woman, an caring mother and amzing friend. Yesterday was the past, let's move toward the future.

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MAGPIE17 9/16/2010 10:28AM

    I'm pretty positive you're not too late to join WTF, Esther :P. Welcome to tween-hood! :D

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LOOKY-LOU 9/16/2010 10:20AM

    Great blogs these last few days. I have read all of them and really FEEL when I read them. I too WANT TO RUN. I dream of this amazing freedom that I felt when I ran in high school, but I just don't like it when I actually do it!!!

Great idea...today is day 1 - I am starting over with you....

Have a great day! emoticon

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RAVENSONG37 9/16/2010 9:41AM

    Self-worth comes from one thing - thinking that you are worthy.
Wayne Dyer


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REDTHREN 9/16/2010 9:38AM

    I have skinny-head syndrome too. My belly and/or butt are always bruised from me not realizing how much space they actually take up lol.

But you know what, if we keep working at it, one day we will be the statuesque goddesses we picture ourselves as!

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SARAWALKS 9/16/2010 9:19AM

    You are a wise woman. Life is so full of these times when we begin again and we might as well get used to it! And by the way it always helps me to have a pity party too...sort of refreshes the insides in more ways than one! emoticon

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KARVY09 9/16/2010 9:02AM

    Great attitude and glad you're feeling better about yourself. Enjoy this brand new day!

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Major Shout Out

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

To all of you. Those who know me well, and those who don't. For everyone who stopped by yesterday to both console and yell at me. I WAS being a negative Nancy, because that's how I felt about the entire thing. I felt dejected. I felt like my body wasn't living up to my expectations for it. And, yes, I know how rediculous it sounds, but I felt like I was moving TOO SLOWLY!

Oh, and for the record - several of you actually made me tear up while I was at my son's football game last night (reading comments on my iPhone when he wasn't on the field). So, uhm, thanks for that. *dripping with sarcasm* ... *totally kidding* ;)

Your comments generally echoed the same general sentiments:

"Yes you can...maybe just not YET."
"Listen to the pain in your body and back off a bit, but don't give up entirely!"
"Just keep chugging along. You'll get there!"
"I've been there...it gets better!"

MENACE79 gave me some specific instructions to write down all the can'ts turned can this year. I hear you. Here you go:

Some can'ts...Now I can:
Walk a mile without breathing heavily.
Stand up from sitting for a while without feeling soreness in the joints.
Walking without constant discomfort.
Walk a 30 minute mile.
Walk a 24 minute mile.
Walk a 20 minute mile.
Walk a 18 minute mile.
Walk a 16 minute mile.
Walk 2 miles straight comfortably, at a steady pace.
Walk 3 miles straight comfortably, at a steady pace.
Climb hills without gasping for air like I'm going to die.
Climb rock walls and the side of cliffs without physcial support.
Hike for a mile in the woods.
Hike for 5.5 hours in the woods, with hills and streams and rock walls and the like.
Walk 4 miles straight, comfortably, at a steady pace.
Walk 5 miles straight, comfortably, at a steady pace.
Walk 6.2 miles.
Compete in a race.
Complete a 5k.
Complete a 5k under 60 minutes.
Complete a 10k.
Walk faster than my youngest son.
Walk in pace with my super-fast husband.
Ride a bike.
Spend weekends being active.
Garden for several hours without giving up and sitting down.
Understand that water refreshes body and soul.
Understand that good food doesn't have to be boring.
Encourage my family to be active.
Seek out ways to exercise, stay active, and compete.
Find the thrill in any athletic competition.
Hit a punching bag without looking like a fool and hurting myself.
Hit a speedbag with a regularly, semi-fast rhythm.
Row 2000m on the rowing machine in under 15 minutes.
Row the same in under 13 minutes.
Stay on the elliptical for longer than 30 minutes.
Stay on the elliptical for 45 minutes.
Complete 1 60-minute Zumba class without serious modifications.
Enjoy an aerobic class.
Feel like I have something to teach other people at the gym.
Batch cook on weekends for a health-full week.
Get my youngest to eat more vegetables.
Get my oldest to eat a ton of new foods, and make him prefer them over the crap.
Get my husband to get out of the house.
Be called a motivator.
Write things that others will want to read.
Provide opinions that will help others succeed.
Run for 60 seconds without hurting or feeling completely out of breath.

Did you see that last one? Yep, I said it. See, in my sea of can't I couldn't even see the clouds above. I couldn't recognize how beautiful the water was or even enjoy the sunlight on my face, because I was so busy feeling like I was drowning. But you all remind me something...I have a choice. Sink or swim. Give up or move on. Only I can decide how to proceed from me, but I have to decide TO proceed. What's that saying about how even if you're on the right path, you won't get anywhere if you're standing still? Very true.

So my cry of desperation yesterday was answered by all of you reminding me of the things I had forgotten. And I felt renewed and envigorated again. I felt ready to try something else. Ready to give way to a new idea, new patterns of thinking, new ways of training. Whether it's expanding upon that first run segment or shortening the run segments altogether. Whether it's going back to walking goals or trying still to accomplish this one thing I have wanted my whole life. Either way, I'll get there...eventually. I've got a few things to try still yet (and I'll let you know how they go), but when I exhaust those ideas, I'll return to what works, add in some hip-specific ST moves to my 3 times a week ST routines, and see what happens 10 pounds, or one month from now.

But I wanted to do one specific thing today. I wanted to thank you all for what you said, what you didn't say, and for slapping me out of it (some of you). A major shout out to:

BECKYB73
MOONBIRD
YOOVIE
_TRIXIE_
BIKERBABE2BE
MENACE79
MEGSFITNESS
CHICAT63
KARVY09
TWANGGIRL
SMPO79
DAMIENDUCKS
BABBELINGBHELL
FLWRCHLD97
SHRINKINGSIMONE
SOBERSUGARHED
MEZZOANGEL
RAVENSONG37
MNGIRLIE
MAMADWARF
M0PPET
JEREMY723
DESTINEDTOBFIT
SHELLYC2010
HARMONYBLUE
THREEE
CHYRL_C
LUCYSUNFLOWER
BAYBELIEVER
SIDKROSE
STAYFOCUSEDASH
-SHIMMER-ANN-
ATROTTIER
MAGPIE17
BUTTERCUPP77
and BOGUSANNIE

Thank you all so very much for being the voice in the darkness, telling me that just because we feel pain, doesn't mean we're dying. Sometimes pain is our body's way of reminding us that we're still alive. And as long as we're alive, there will be time to go after dreams, even those lofty ones that take a good long time to reach. As one (or many) of you said so well - One day, one step at a time ...I'll make it there eventually. And then you'll get to read the CAN blog, because I promise there WILL be one! *lol*

To answer a few questions:
- No, I didn't get "fitted" for shoes. Haven't found a place around here that does that. Had to do my own research and determine the kind of shoes I needed. The new shoes feel amazing and I love them! If I do finally find a running store that does fitting, I promise to drop by and make sure my assumptions through online research were correct and, if not, buy new shoes to correct the problem. There is the added bonus that I got a Nike + senor and watch to go with my shoes, so I can now record both my walks and my runs! AWESOME!

- Yes, it's only in one hip. And I do have a few concerns that it might be something actually medical...so if it continues after a while I'll call the doc and get in right away. I don't have these pains while walking long distances, only from running. If I go to the doctor for any other unrelated issue, I'll point this out to her as well. I think I should probably go in sometime soon anyhow just to check in and to get some more heavy-duty ibuprofen! *lol*

- Uhm, yes, you have to understand that I don't RUN even when I run. It's stupid slow. I can seriously walk faster than I can "run." But it's a different feeling altogether...at least to me.

- C25K is a great program, and I've used it in the past...but maybe it's just not right for me right now.

- I have been training on the elliptical and I love that machine for the calories it burns for me! But it's not the same...there's not the same heel to toe action and whenever I try to make it more like running, I nearly fall off the machine! *lol*

- No, I'm not running on the treadmill. One of those things I will not allow myself to do yet. Period. I have no problem running in the gym or in front of people, but I know for a fact that I'm a little over the weight limit on the best treadmill at the gym, so running on it would be a major no-no in my head. I don't want to ruin the experience for everyone else. (That being said, I used to be 30 pounds over the limit, now I'm just 5 pounds over! Soon, my dears, soon...) Also, there is a part that scares me about doing it on the treadmill...the inability to quickly adjust your speed. One thing about the treadmill, you set it to do 20 minute miles and you're doing them unless you push that button...I don't think I have the coordination yet to run on the thing either. Let's just say, I have my reasons and there are plenty of them.

Finally, I have to say that I think the lack of finisher medals for walkers at my last race hit me a little harder than I let myself think it did. During my sob fest to Hubs I heard myself cry out "NOBODY cares about walking!" and an image of that moment, that empty feeling after crossing that finish line popped into my head. It wasn't right on so many levels. Because what all you said is true. I didn't realize I felt so strongly about it, but I felt like I was stripped of all manner and level of respect in that one moment! I felt completely inadequate. I had to defend myself in writing for why "JUST WALKING" should be recognized too. It was disheartening and humiliating, like much of my struggles with dealing with people and my weight have been. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this information, but I just wanted to admit that my subconscious belched this up and I realize now that my negativity toward walking again has come from that place of rejection.

Anyhow, thank you all so much from the bottom of this here old heart. I really do appreciate the support and love!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ATROTTIER 9/20/2010 4:40PM

    emoticon
Thanks for the shout out and all the encouragement you give me as well!!

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SPUNKYDUCKY 9/17/2010 9:46PM

    Love the list of what you CAN do. I have been sulking to myself all week about a few mistakes I made on vacation, but have fought my way back to active and look forward to catching up with you!

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KITHKINCAID 9/16/2010 6:07PM

    Glad you're back on track emotionally. An attack of the CAN'Ts is so hard!

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ERIN4771 9/16/2010 12:41PM

    awesome blog!!! emoticon

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RAVENSONG37 9/16/2010 2:22AM

    FYI, I have been in several races and I have never received a medal. I think this is such a great example of seeking outside recognition for an inner need. It's looking for people to notice that we have lost weight or changed our hair colour. It's hoping others will make us happy or fulfilled. But that's all inside work...it all has to start within us first. You gotta know that walking is worth it...that you are doing great things and that you deserve all the goodness in your life. This is what I'm reading in your words. Thank you for helping me to hear this today. You have to be your own loudest cheerleader cuz a) you're the most important spectator in your own life and b) sometimes you're the only one you'll be able to hear. I hope I'm being clear...this is stirring something really deep inside of me.

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MNGIRLIE 9/15/2010 9:50PM

    Your list of CANs is AMAZING!!!!! Bravo to you. You've come so far! What a great motivational thing for you to do. Glad you're feeling better than yesterday. We all have highs and lows and the amazing support here is what makes SP work!

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Thanks too for the shout out. That was sweet of you.

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SCARLETMOONOWL 9/15/2010 8:51PM

    Seems like whenever I am having one of those days, when I wonder why I just don't go find a cliff and jump. I for some reason, end up on your page and read your blog and am reminded why I don't just find a cliff. I am so thankful for having a friend like you to keep me grounded in the can do of this situation and not focused on the cant's!!! Thank you for your amazing courage and tenacity!!! Goddess Bless!!!

hugs and happiness,
Ciara emoticon

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FLWRCHLD97 9/15/2010 5:23PM

    I care about walking... emoticon. It's all I can do right now too.

I'm so happy that you're feeling the bright side of things again. I was thinking to myself though, if you are still trying to quit smoking, that's gonna mess with your mind and emotions too. At least it did for me. My emotions were way out of whack, very touchy, etc. I'm not saying that's the reason, but it might have something to do with how you were feeling yesterday.

You are well loved on SP, don't ever doubt that!!!! We all have faith in you (hope the other members of SP don't mind me talking for them, hee hee), we've seen how far you've come already and we know you are capable of so much more. I know I can't wait to see the rest of the story unfold!

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SIDKROSE 9/15/2010 5:12PM

    Thanks for the shout out, I needed that today. Oh, and for the record, I totally know what you mean about running being different that any kind of walking, even if it's the slowest run ever and a little toddler could go faster! lol.

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SARAWALKS 9/15/2010 5:08PM

    I'm lighter than you and there's a BUNCH of stuff on that list that I can't do! You are emoticon and don't forget it!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CHICAT63 9/15/2010 4:57PM

    Aw, thanks for the shout-out ! What an impressive list and when did you start again only a couple of months right. Well, Sista you have accomplished amazing things and are not done yet. Of course of here we're here for ya, for sure will be looking forwards to your next goals. Your shalls will become wills....a colleague and me always say the following: " I don't wanna but I'm gonna ". emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JEREMY723 9/15/2010 4:53PM

    What a wonderful "I can" list. I know many people who are a lot lighter than you who can't walk a 16 minute mile or run that fast either. Good for you!

I wish I had more advice, especially about your hip, other than to ask the doctor about it and keep on this journey in general:)

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KT-NICHOLS-13 9/15/2010 4:37PM

    You got "SPARKED" yesterday! You sound so much better today and took what everyone gave you and made it even better. Loving your list and your attitude. And, sometimes we get down ... it's not all sunshine and rainbows in this quest we are on and putting it out there is brave and shows strength. I applaud that!


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MEGSFITNESS 9/15/2010 3:56PM

    *great big old happy hugs* yay :) Glad you're back.

I feel the same way about ellipticals. It's just NOT the same. Plus, running on the treadmill is vastly different than running outside too.. No worries not wanting to yet!

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REBECCAMA 9/15/2010 3:55PM

  Like Menace said... wow, what a great list! And look at all those names! You are never alone when you are on Spark I guess. WTG!!!

emoticon emoticon

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SANDBBAR 9/15/2010 3:54PM

    Great "I can" list! You should be very proud of yourself.
Nothing wrong with just walking!! I'm thrilled to be just walking 2 -3 miles after struggling with doing nothing for a few years with Fibromyalgia. If your hip prevents you from running somehow (and I hope it doesn't) just walking will be great exercise for you! emoticon

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MENACE79 9/15/2010 3:53PM

    Holy Freakin Moly! Look at that list - I KNEW it would be a mile long! Check out all the things you have accomplished all for the sake of making a better, faster, stronger, healthier YOU. That is just awesome.

You've got absolutely nothing to be ashamed of - it's totally time for chest-puffing. Your list of cans reads like my list of can'ts. But they are not can'ts I guess...

They are just can't yets. Or WILLS! I like wills better. :)

Glad I could help break through the mental funkiness!



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CALLIKIA 9/15/2010 3:28PM

    REAL gardening. I'd do the other but that timing is NOT up to me.

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MAGPIE17 9/15/2010 3:21PM

    First of all: "Garden for several hours without giving up and sitting down." Please specify - Gardening-gardening, or "gardening" gardening :P.

Thanks for the shout-out! Glad you're feeling more positive :D. (and I can't do the elliptical - it feels weird to NOT lift my feet off of it!)


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Can't

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I hate that word. Like serious anger and venom spews from me when someone says that I can't do something. It's even worse if I'm told that the reason is because of my weight. It's just a "reason" I'm sick and tired of hearing already. I've been fat my entire life, and just about every doctor I've run across has used this one excuse or reason for almost all of my health problems. I swear if I got cancer tomorrow some of my past doctors would tell me that I got it because I'm fat. I don't know why, but I don't want to believe that this one thing can be the cause of everything that has ever been wrong with me throughout my entire life. Couldn't some things just be wrong with me because of my genetic make-up, or some other reason. Maybe one or two could just be a statistical fluke?

Still, I know there are some things that are because of my weight. My pre-diabetic status is because of my weight, my poor eating habits, etc. My poor fitness is because of my weight. And some of the things I can't do in this world is due to my weight (hello, weight restrictions!). So, yes, I accept that. But when I started this journey, I believed that there wasn't anything I couldn't do eventually...with enough work and training. I'd take it slow and eventually work my way to it. I thought it was the same with running, which is why I avoided it until now.

In the past five months I've increased my stamina and fitness level through walking, and I'm honestly in some of the best shape I've been in since high school. So, in my head, following walking an EASY 10k, I thought for sure I could try running...just a little. I had hoped it was time for C25k but I was fine with having to do week 1 for months. I was fine in my head with going very slowly. I had done this program back in 2008 as a way to train for a trip to NYC, where I knew there would be a TON of walking. I did weeks 1 and 2 for a LONG time, and I never got beyond that. So now that I'm in much better shape, I thought I could do at least that again and, hopefully, eventually, get to weeks 3 and 4.

So I tried. And the running part felt great, but in the third running segment I felt this sudden PULL in my hip and OW, OW, OW! I limped the rest of the way home. I've tried another time and walked some even when they told me to run. I was trying to take it slowly. My running was barely even running. So I thought that maybe I had the wrong shoes. And I researched for weeks, selected the right pair for me and they arrived today.

I was nervous today but I tried anyhow. The first running segment felt GREAT! These shoes are CLOUDS, baby! *LOVE* it! But then the second running segment comes around and within seconds of starting I'm feeling a little discomfort in my left hip again. GRR! I was frustrated. I knew I wouldn't be able to finish, but I had to check my posture. I tried leaning forward a little, I tried standing up straight, I tried seriously engaging my core, I tried picking up my legs differently, I tried everything I could think of and some things seemed to work a tiny bit for a second, and then the pain returned. The third segment came and I tried a few more things but the discomfort became real pain and I *had* to stop.

So, I guess that's it. I can't. Am I REALLY TOO FAT TO RUN? When will I be NOT TOO FAT?

I got on the elliptical and set it on the weight loss program, 28 minutes long with a 5 minute cool down after. It was a hard 28 minutes. I went from nearly crying to absolutely angry. I went from pain to feeling a good stretch in my hip. I went from wanting to just jump off the upper level of the gym to just wanting to give up and go home. I finished my workout, did 10 minutes of stretching, really focusing on my hip, and went home completely depressed. I held it together on the way home, but all I could think was that word -- CAN'T. I can't run. I know, I know, not yet. But for right now that still means CAN'T.

I got home and hobbled inside and collapsed into a heap on the couch and just cried. Hubs held me and tried to reassure me that I'm doing everything right, that I'll get there eventually, that all is not lost...but I just kept hearing that word -- CAN'T.

I have no upside to the blog. I haven't come around to a better way of thinking. I'm still tearing up while reading this blog because I feel like a big, fat failure. I can't run. It's all I really want right now and I just can't. And the only reason I can think of for this big CAN'T is my weight. My stomach is too big, and it causes too much pressure on my hip when I run. I don't know what to do to fix it other than wait until my stomach gets much, much smaller...which I constantly fear it never will. I'm scared I'll never get there. I'm not asking to run a marathon...I just want to run for like a half a mile...maybe 2 some day. But I can't work my way up to 1/2 a mile if I can't run AT ALL right now.

Scared. Annoyed. Frustrated. I wish there were a weight limit to running so I had a way to work toward it. But I don't ever know when I'll reach that point. I don't know how to work toward something that is so....out there. Something that is so vague. As for now, I'm just going to cry a "why-is-me" cry because I can't.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KITHKINCAID 9/16/2010 5:53PM

    Ah hun. You know - you've said it before - you have a much bigger challenge than a lot of us here in terms of weight to lose - but that doesn't mean that some of us don't know exactly what you're going through with that "can't" feeling. Only you have the ability to fix it right now though, so you have to focus on all the cans. You CAN do so much now compared to where you were 6 months ago. And - when you DO get to being able to run, you're going to have to know how to set up that big 'ole CAN'T and kick it square in the face - because the mental battle is WAY harder than the physical battle when it comes to putting one foot in front of the other. But I know you know this. And I know you're capable of beating it down. YES YOU CAN!

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ERIN4771 9/16/2010 12:33PM

    running's overrated anyway.....ok, skip that one, the point is you are MOVING, that's what matter s right now, not if you can run 2 miles, hell, i can only run sprints, because A. i hate running B. it gets over quicker and C. i need to keep changing things up.....e, if you want to run, you will, i know this because i see what a strong person you are, and won't let anything get in you way....maybe not today, or tomorrow, but eventually you will run, but for now, like vanessa said....suck it up!! you ARE doing a fabulasssss job, give credit where credit is due chica!!!!!

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MAGPIE17 9/15/2010 2:43PM

    Hugs, Esther. You will lose weight in your stomach as long as you keep this up; I know you will! And when you do meet with the trainer, she can help you plan/train so that you WILL run someday soon, I know it!

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ATROTTIER 9/15/2010 1:30PM

    You are running girl! you are running along this healthy journey and YOU CAN do anything but we all have to train for our dreams and you are still in training and it's making you stronger everyday! I'm doing the C25K program too and my hips are my biggest issue as well, oh man the pain they put me in during and after is something I really wasn't expecting but little my little it will get better. Pick yourself back up and brush it off cuz i know YOU CAN!! emoticon

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-SHIMMER-ANN- 9/15/2010 10:30AM

    I'm gonna be a big meanie brat for a second...

I can't run. I get injured within a WEEK of regular running, at a 10 minute pace. I have to jog. HAVE to jog. My ankles are sh*t, my knees are sensitive, and my back loves to spasm. LOTS of skinny girls CAN'T RUN.

Also, the elliptical. LOADS of people cannot do the elliptical. I've seen my teeny friends hop on beside me, and quit after FOUR minutes. They're tiny little legs burn, they don't have the strength, they want to throw up.

Next would be walking. SO many people canNOT walk a 10K. Walking a 10K at your current weight is a DREAM for sooooooo many people. I'm sure you suffer a lot of pain (maybe??) when walking long distances, but others suffer INJURY. What if you couldn't even walk???

Girl, SUCK IT UP!! You're doing a FANTASTIC job, and you WILL get there!!!! Maybe you won't EVER be able to run, but you ARE able to do what counts...MOVE!! Now quit belittling yourself, and stop loathing your body's ability...because seriously mama?? You're A-F*@#ING-MAZING.

Okay, that's it for big meanie brat Vanessa. The elliptical is better for your health and joints anyway, and even though you CAN run with more weight, why not save those BLESS-ED joints you have until it's comfortable? Don't start problems for your future, skinny self that you will regret later. Just sayin...

*hugs* don't hate me!!!!!!!

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_DASH_ 9/15/2010 6:11AM

    you're a runner in my mind.
mentality is everything.

"everything changed the day i realized if i were to run, i would have to run with the body i had." - john bingham.

even if you stop, go slow, get pain, feel uncomfortable, have to stop, cant imagine getting there, you are still a runner.

just keep trying. keep going. keep going.
when i started i couldnt run a half a mile without stopping and feeling like i could die.
but i just kept telling myself that the only person who could say anything about my process or progress or capability or identity was me. and that's when my life started. it took me many many weeks of running the same puny strip down my road and walking back and starting again the next day before i even conceptualized running a mile and then 2.3 and then 3.56... and then...

savor everything that happens. even the pain.

the journey is the destination. some day before you even realize time has gone by, you will look back on your beginnings and cry in a different way - because you wont believe how far you have gotten. the journey IS the destination, as mezzo said earlier in her blog. i love that.

i love you.

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SIDKROSE 9/15/2010 4:17AM

    I'm a tiny bit under 300 lbs now, and I started jogging at about 305. I made up my own C25K program because I know my body best. I started with 30 seconds of running and 2 min 30 sec of walking and over the past 4 1/2 weeks I've worked my way up to 3 minutes of jogging and 2 minutes of walking.I run at an absolute snail pace, pretty sure most people can walk faster, but I never thought I'd get there. You'll get there too! And when you do, I'll be here, cheering you on. If I've learned anything from jogging, it's that you HAVE TO listen to your body. It will tell you when you're ready and when you're not. So really, it's not that you can't, it's just that you're not quite ready yet!

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BAYBELIEVER 9/14/2010 11:48PM

    Oh, I could so have written this blog. I am right there with you. I was so excited a week or so ago when I ran 4 segments of 20-30 steps each. And I haven't been able to do it since. My plantar fasciitis is not happy with me. So I am right there, worrying that my PF is going to hinder everything I want to do. I don't think I am a runner. But, darn it, I want to be able to try! I played basketball in college! I want to try!

And, you had me chuckling about doctors blaming everything on your weight! Oh, so true! I get a hangnail. It is because I am overweight. Dandruff? I am overweight. And I had just had this discussion with my sister yesterday about how the minute I walk through the door the doctor has already decided what my problem is. And try talking to them about what to do about it? Oh, surgery is your best solution. Really? In 4 minutes you know enough about me to know that is the only solution?

So, while you won't want to hear it right now: WE, yes WE, are going to show them how wrong they are! And you are going to run someday! You are going to do it. The fact that you are even trying shows how far you have come! It will happen. Yeah, when another 10 lbs is off and things have tightened up a bit more, then you will try again! And sooner, rather than NEVER, you will RUN! I know it! Because I have seen and heard your strength and commitment!

Don't doubt yourself. You are Woman! You are Power! You are gonna have it all!

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LUCYSUNFLOWER 9/14/2010 11:21PM

    You need one more word: YET! You can't YET - but you will! I absolutely believe that.

You have pushed your body hard, and it is responding to the best of its ability. You are training it to respond. There's a lot going on under your skin with your muscles, tendons, ligaments, and that other stuff (I'm an accountant - I shouldn't discuss guts!), and it is all connected. All that stuff needs time, training, testing, and toning to learn to do what it has never done before!!

Hug yourself for me! You have come a very long ways, and I believe there are very few limits ahead of you - just give your body time to catch up with your mind and your soul!!

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CHYRL_C 9/14/2010 10:14PM

    Remember one day at a time emoticon

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THREEE 9/14/2010 10:08PM

    i can only say, 'AMEN!!!' to all of your other supporters who YOU have inspired...
i want to be on Dancing with the Stars but unless someone miraculously makes me a star tomorrow(considering i have NO acting abilities/nor desires not too likely) i need to lose weight, learn to dance and become a professional dancer before that could happen--i will NOT be mad at me tomorrow for not accomplishing it tomorrow...but i WILL be proud of me for putting one foot in front of the other and finally adding exercise to my plan...
you have SOOOOOOO many things to be proud of (including a couple of sons i believe you love dearly) that have only to do with the real YOU...not the overweight you, the REAL you...and if you want it bad enough, you will have the CAN run be part of it...in its time... emoticon

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HARMONYBLUE 9/14/2010 9:59PM

    My husband has a huge pet peeve about docs telling him every ailment is related to his weight even though he's 60 pounds lighter than last year.

When I started running at 300 pounds, I could manage four 60 second segments during a one hour walk, so a) don't try too much. Also I made sure to do a long (10 minute minimum) warm up then stretch every muscle including hip flexors before I started running. Then another five minute warm up before I attempting to run. I had major problems with my ankles when I started trying to work up to a 5K. When you feel pain, don't run any more. Walk the rest of the way. Next time, see if it takes longer before the pain starts. When it comes, stop. Try strength training aimed at your hips. And if there is any chance you have actually injured that hip, get an xray.

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SHELLYC2010 9/14/2010 9:47PM

    I haven't been so brave as to try running on road yet. But I do run. I run in the pool. When I talk to my doctor about running she said that I should do it in the pool. So that's what I do. If you have a pool avaible maybe try it there and then work your way up to the road.

But your are amazing and are such and inspration!!

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DESTINEDTOBFIT 9/14/2010 9:09PM

  Giiiirrrllll, you are too amazing to truly believe you "can't" anything! I agree with Ravensong37: you CHOOSE not to run right now because you do not want to damage your hip. And I think Shrinkingsimone gave great advice too: do some training to help to strengthen you for what you CHOOSE to do at a later time.

I am absolutely amazed and in complete awe at the progress you've made so far--at the DECISION to even lose weight on your own and stick to it for so long. Heck, if I'm still consistent at living healthier in four months, I'll be ecstatic! But you--100#--are you kidding me??? If you can do that, you CAN definitely run! When you choose not to go to a loud movie because you have a splitting headache, you see that as a choice, right? Or when you decide to wait until the ice in the street melts to take that 20-mile drive, you call that wisdom, correct? Well continuing to prep your body for safe runs, just like everything else you do for your health is no different: you CAN; you're just being a smart cookie by laying off for right now.

If you are a runner inside, you are a runner outside--just look for it and keep on trucking! YOU TOTALLY ROCK!!!
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JEREMY723 9/14/2010 8:45PM

    I know that your modivation will help you get there one day. I don't have any advice, just that I'm sorry it didn't work out for you today.

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M0PPET 9/14/2010 7:59PM

    I have no advice for you ... just hugs. Someday is just around the corner.

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MAMADWARF 9/14/2010 7:44PM

    I hate can't too and it is funny cause if someone tells me I can't do something, oh baby get out out my way, cause Mama is gonna do it! But I told myself "I can't" for so long. I was such a hypocrite to my own damn self! I cant lose weight. I can't possibly walk. I can't succeeed. I can't not eat that sh**. Well, I learned in the last 6 months I can do whatever the hell I want to do. I have lost 44 pounds. I walk almost every day. I can not eat whatever I want.

I have never had a desire to run. In fact, I think it sounds horrible! And yes, I see people running all the time and it amazes me!!! I cannot even IMAGINE running but you know what? If I chose to, I know I could. Do I want to? eh, not right now, maybe at some point I will but I am happy walking for now. It is sooo far from where I was. Progress, not perfection is my motto and it applies here.

I know how far you have come. Your body is responding well but maybe it is not ready yet. But it will be cause you want it. You have the desire, you have the goal to work towards it, just like when you started your weight loss goal. It is no different. You didnt magically lose 100 pounds and you are not magically going to be a runner. But you will get there. I am soooo sure of this. I know you and I have barely interacted here but I do keep up with you becuase you are friends of friends but that ends now. We are friends now. Period. And you will run. Cause Mama said.

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MNGIRLIE 9/14/2010 7:37PM

    You're a brave woman! You're doing amazing things for yourself right now and running CAN be something you do down the road. What I could say here has probably already been said by many others, but I wanted to leave a comment. Keep your chin up. I too think you should add the world YET to the end of all those CAN'Ts. You will get there. This is just your body telling you to wait a little longer to try it again.

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RAVENSONG37 9/14/2010 7:31PM

    K, so let me just say, you can...sometime that is not right now. You WILL run because you have the fire inside of you to do it. What if you tell yourself, I choose not to run today because it will cause me too much pain but maybe I'll try again in 10 pounds. Choosing not to do something because it's better for you in the long-term is so much different than not being able to. Today I wanted to run 16 km but I walked/jogged 10. I had some of the same failure thoughts you did...but guess what...I can do it, just not right now. You and I will work through this together, sister, and I promise...We will run together!!!

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 9/14/2010 7:30PM

    You are NOT a big fat failure. You are a hero to so many Esther. We all want to be where someone else is... but the quickest way to misery is comparing yourself to others.

I love you. Really, you inspire me daily. And you will run. I promise you that. I PROMISE YOU.

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SOBERSUGARHED 9/14/2010 5:43PM

    rome wasnt built in a day !! show yourself some love and patience.if the door is closed go through the window!

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ROLLER-GIRL 9/14/2010 5:35PM

    Ohmigosh, I'm tearing up reading your blog because that was me 18 months, ago, a year ago, even six months ago. I was plagued with shin splints and everywhere I went, people were running. I feel your pain. Even getting on Sparkpeople would piss me off because everyone was running except for me. People much larger than me were running. They could and I couldn't. It's not fair!

I'm happy to say that it does get better. I went the route of getting some personal training sessions to correct my form and strengthen my core (I waas really lopsided, even walking, and my core was a mess), but deep down, I think I just had to get some weight off before my body would accept me being a runner. I'm now up to 2.5 miles and am planning to run a 5K next month. Even now, when I'm tired I feel my form slipping and my knee will start hurting or my hip will get tight.

I'm writing this not to make you think "oh there's another runner in a sea of people who can run," but instead I hope that it gives you hope that you will be a runner.

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MRSSIBRAT 9/14/2010 5:30PM

    oh girlie!! I am so sorry you are having such a hard time with this...please just please remember that sometimes CANT isn't a bad word,,,like when we tell our kids they CAN"T do something because it's not good for them...just remember how strong you already are and this one thing you can't do is because it would hurt you worse if you try! There will be a day when you can add running to the list of things you have accomplished but for right now just think of all the other things you CAN do! And what you DO Do!! you are amazing!! dont forget it!!

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FLWRCHLD97 9/14/2010 5:13PM

    Look at all of the support here on SP (they are all so wonderful!) - everyone here believes in you. YOU CAN DO IT!

I'm sorry you are in a bad place right now, I hope your hip feels better soon!

You are worth it and you will do it. When you become the runner that you are meant to be, you'll look back upon this blog and realize that it was a long hard road, but that you did it! Just like you didn't think you were going to make it up that evil hill, and you did! You have accomplished so much, everything will happen for a reason and at the right time...

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BABBELINGBHELL 9/14/2010 5:09PM

    just because cant applies today doesnt mean that it has to apply tomorrow, look at all that you CAN do that used to be in the can't pile. It isnt always about today, and now, patience is our biggest teacher, and has the best lessons for us...

hugs and much love to you sweetie... you CAN and WILL run just be patient... emoticon

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DAMIENDUCKS 9/14/2010 5:07PM

    Just because you can't run now, doesn't mean you'll never run--it's not all or nothing... But if running hurts, ease into it. You can do the first bit of the workout? Great, do that. And add on a tiny bit more. And stop when it hurts.

And I had to share this from one of my favorite bloggers, b/c your post and this post were just too coincidental!

http://arcticg
lass.blogspot.com/2010/09/reali
ty-of-running.html

Comment edited on: 9/14/2010 5:14:28 PM

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SMPO79 9/14/2010 5:05PM

    You are such an inspiration to so many people, and I know there are so many people who would love the opportunity to give back to you...maybe for now, you could just add one little word to the title of this blog...YET. Because I'm positive you WILL run...don't give up! emoticon

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TWANGGIRL 9/14/2010 5:02PM

    Oh sweetie PLEASE don't let this drag you down! I know it must be hard, but you are doing so well! Even if you can't run YET (!!) you can do other things, and you should continue to do them until you can run without pain. And if that day never comes, then just keep doing what works for you and don't think you HAVE to be a runner. I started "running"** when I was 44 years old, and some days I just can't do it because my knee hurts or my hip hurts or I have a cramp in my foot, or some such nonsense! So on those days I just walk, or ride the stationary bike, or vacuum my house and use that as my cardio!
** (I say "running" in quotes because although I do run a few times a week, I don't consider myself a "runner" . . . I don't run if it's too cold, or rainy, or too hot, or I'm tired, or hungover, or there's a good movie on, or . . . .well you get the point! ha!ha!)

Anyway, just hang in there and try to focus on the positives and you WILL get where you want to be!! emoticon

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KARVY09 9/14/2010 5:00PM

    Oh hun. I'm so sorry bout the hip pain. I actually have another blog I'll send you when I get home about that list of can'ts. All I know is that you are braver than most... Most don't even try running til they get to a magic weight... Or at all even... Big hugs.

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CHICAT63 9/14/2010 4:57PM

    You can too, check-out KARVY09 she is on my page but she has featured regularly on Sparks..." Running While Chunky ". You will run like Forrest Gump and once you do you will not stop !!!Do not give up Esther, slowly but surely the pain in your hip will no longer bother you. emoticon Oh and by the way YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE ! You are an inspiration.

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MEGSFITNESS 9/14/2010 4:43PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

*hugs*

Oh no, hunny, I'm so sorry :( *comforts*

I don't know what the weight limit is for running. I think that's really going to depend on each individual and your particular strengths. For myself, I started the C25K program when I was 260 and had hip pain but it wasn't dibilitating. I know that there are exercises that you can do to increase hip and leg strength and you can take glucosamine (sp?) and chondroitin (sp?) supplements to promote healthy joints and ease joint pain.

It's okay to cry... but don't you dare give up. You're doing amazing things, even if running isn't one of them yet. You're inspiring to everyone who knows you and you're doing things at your weight that I never would've dreamed of attempting yet because I always thought I was too fat. You're proof that this "diet and exercise" thing really works. So just don't give up on yourself .

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Chin up, hun.

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MENACE79 9/14/2010 4:43PM

    You need to sit down with a pen and paper right now and write down everything you have done this year that you would have said "I can't" to last year.

ev-er-y-thing. Including motivating hundreds of people to throw their "can'ts" away, making time to batch cook, especially the 10K, and God only knows what else!

Some list, huh? You will run. It might not be tomorrow, but you will run.

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BIKERBABE2BE 9/14/2010 4:42PM

    I'm sorry you are in such pain, physical and emotional. I wish I had a magic pill, or even a good suggestion, but alas, all I can tell you to do is keep trying. Keep walking, keep tracking, keep eating healthy. The day will come when you CAN run.

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_TRIXIE_ 9/14/2010 4:41PM

    I was going to come on here and blast you for the word can't, but I understand t he dark place from where it comes. Yoovie's suggestion is good, Karvy has a lot of good resources/insights. Check her Spark page/team out.

You CAN. I know you can. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but I am telling you that it's possible. And that I have faith in you.

Hugs, hon.

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YOOVIE 9/14/2010 4:38PM

    I got three words for you. ok 4.

Karvy's "Running While Chunky"

it changed mah fat lil life.

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MOONBIRD 9/14/2010 4:38PM

    (((Big Hugs))) Like Becky said, you will run. Even if you are having a problem with it now, you can do it! Don't give up. I can't run yet either, even though I want to. I walk so fast that I feel like I should be running, but every time I try it hurts my knee and there is no delicate way to say this, but my fat jumping up and down is painful. I know I will eventually though, just like you will. I almost cried today because I was having issues keeping up doing tae bo. I am just having an off day and feel so worn out from dealing with everything lately.

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BECKYB73 9/14/2010 4:33PM

    Maybe you can't run; not right now or at this weight, but if you keep losing weight, eating right and working on your fitness, YOU. WILL. RUN.

Personally, I'm going to try running, but not until I'm either right at or slightly under 300 pounds. I don't want to push myself and risk a serious injury that would put me back into walking in the slow lane at the fitness pool, with the leakers and speakers.

Pain is your body's way of stopping you from doing greater injury to yourself. listen to it. There will be plenty of opportunity and races to run, when your body is ready.

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