Monday, August 30, 2010
I want to run. I want to say that I'm a runner, but more importantly, I want that feeling of running. I was never much of a runner because I was always told that fat girls shouldn't run. Had Spark been in my life when I was about 15 I would've told people to F-off and would have run anyways, but it wasn't, and I didn't. No going back. Now that I'm getting in better shape, I still have this almost heartsick urge to run. Nearly every day this thought plagues me.
Oh, I can hear you all now. "So you want to run? Then run! Stop with the excuses!" But since my knee surgery when I was about 16, and the following additional weight added to my joints, my left knee is absolute crap. I have tried to run (and loved every second of it!) but it's always followed by one of my knee-popping incidents. And I hear the same thing over and over - don't run. *sigh* I'm so SICK of hearing that I shouldn't run.
What I want to hear is that I CAN run. I want to hear how to fix the problem. I want to hear that there IS a way to build the strength in my knee so I can run again. I want to hear how you can wrap a HUGE knee so that you add stability, without the wraps rolling up and 1) being completely ineffective and 2) causing pain and rubbing to the back of my knee. I want to know in some sciency way how I can get around this problem and achieve my heart's desire...to run.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want to run super-fast sprints. I don't even need to run fast. "Wogging," as some call it, is quite fine with me. But I WANT to run. Do you know that I have this distinct fear that I will be in a bad situation one day and won't be able to run away? How crazy is that? But I still think about it. I had hoped that once my 10k training was done I could start the C25k program and PERHAPS run my 5k in mid-October...even if I was really slow! But still, I don't know how to work my way around the knee...and my choices are to 1) go for it anyway and risk injury or 2) resign myself to walking for now, or possibly - forever!
Sometimes I wonder - How sore am I supposed to feel? Is this enough? I've read a million fitness articles in my day. A million and one, probably. And all of them talk about that good sore. I know the difference between the two (good sore/bad sore) thanks to last week, but now I'm struggling with - how much do I do on sore muscles?
And this foot thing...the new skin that hurts a bit. How much time does that need to heal? Will I be ready for Saturday? What do I cover it with? What do I do if it starts bleeding again? Do I risk having to have my friggin' foot amputated if I push too hard? (Yeah, I'm weird and do actually think these things.) Can you put moleskin over new skin or would that be a bad idea?
Let me explain, the old skin that was removed was tough skin that I could easily say was an inch thick (because I have hardly any visual interpretation of actual measurements *lol*)! What I really mean is that there is a small "dent" in my foot now between the old tough skin and the new skin. What the crap? Will this level out or will I always have this strange hole in my foot? *sigh* I'm confused.
I keep my real life and my Spark life separate. Don't get me wrong, I love meeting Sparkies IRL, and I hope to do more of it. But many of my IRL people just can't take the amount of honesty I have vowed to keep here on Spark.
Today, I broke this rule. I invited a friend from school to Spark. She started running this summer and has worked herself up to 5-6 miles! She's trying to lose weight, she admitted today, and so I sent her a message on FB and invited her over here. No clue if she'll take the opportunity, but I put it out there. I broke my rule and let my real life bleed into Spark a bit. (Except for my Momma, who I told immediately because I can trust her with just about anything! *lol*)
Do you guys do this too?
Monday, August 30, 2010
Quote of the Day
“If the world seems cold to you, kindle fires to warm it.”
Battle 2: 355
Day 1 Recap:
Yesterday was a bit of a mess. There, I said it. That being said, I'm over it.
The day started out well. I was flying high from besting myself in Battle 1 and I was ready to take on the next challenge. What I didn't much bargain for was the intense sun midday.
For breakfast I had one of my regular meals - a whole wheat bagel with whipped cream cheese. I'm slowly backing off the amount of cream cheese I use on my bagels and the amount of creamer I put in my coffee. So far, so good. For some strange reason, yesterday my bagel tasted like ambrosia. I would take a bite and cherish its yummy goodness. And I had no clue why it tasted so good, because I have this meal all the time, but I was happy for the change!
Before we left for the field for Ethan's football game, I made everyone a sandwich with turkey breast, ham, and colby jack cheese, and a touch of light mayo and some lettuce. We stuck them in the cooler with our water and off we went. And then the sign -- NO COOLERS ALLOWED. *GRRR!* We kept the cooler in the car and prayed we'd be able to at least sneak our water bottles in (it worked!!). I hadn't done more than sat down for 2 seconds when I thought, "I should use this time to walk." See, when you're a parent of a player, you have to be there like 2 hours before the game even starts. BORING! So I asked Logan if he wanted to join me and he agreed. That's when Shane reminded me we didn't have any sunscreen. So instead of walking the field, as I had intended, we took off on foot to the store down the street for sunscreen. On the way back we passed Food Fair and I popped in to buy us more yummy whole wheat bread (we were down to the last 2 pieces after making sandwiches) and a peach for me (and another for Logan). We picked up some Jelly Belly jellybeans too, a treat for all of us (I counted every one I ate. I had 11. They're 4 calories each. I logged 50 just to make sure I didn't skip one or something! *lol*)
We then proceeded to sit in the sticky hot sun and watch my son's team get crushed by a great, tiny Belpre team. 34-6, I think the score was. Thankfully, Ethan had something to be proud of...he was on the offensive line when they scored their only points of the game! Still, he was bummed by the loss. By the time the game ended (I was literally counting down the last 40 seconds or so because we were dying in the heat!) we were ready for two things -- A/C and H2O! I've never seen Hubs that affected by the sun, but I knew that if the game had been just 30 minutes longer I would have been in serious danger of another bout of heat stroke! (I cannot wait for fall. When football season starts, I want fall weather!!)
Where we ended up -- Pizza Hut.
No big deal, I thought. I'd already stuffed myself with my sandwich at half-time. I wasn't that hungry...just thirsty.
I downed one glass of water and then half of my son's.
And then the pizza came. 1, 2, 3 pieces! I skipped the crust on the last 2 pieces but I ate all three like I hadn't eaten for days. Honestly, I probably could've eaten another. I was ravenous! I don't know if it was the sun or what, but I was super hungry all of a sudden.
I felt guilty.
Then I made myself stop.
One high calorie day every once in a while won't kill me, right?
Once we got home, I changed my clothes and then went out to wash the car. It was an excuse to use the water hose and get a little wet. I wanted to go swimming, but didn't want to drive all the way to the lake. So, instead, we played in the water and washed my car at the same time, Ethan and I. Fun! A bit of exercise. All in all = good.
I wasn't hungry again until way later. I had logged everything from the day and I was right above 1800 calories. I could choose to ignore my hunger, or I could eat and allow myself a high calorie day. I got frustrated. I ate about 3 bowls of Lucky Charms. I felt super guilty. I logged it. I realized I was still under Spark's recommended maximum calorie range (actually all of the ranges). I told myself that was alright, and I just enjoyed the rest of my night. (And another episode of True Blood that ended in yet another cliffhanger, followed by another "WTF?" response by my husband! *lol* I'm not sure he quite understands how this whole TV show thing works yet! *lol*)
No bootcamp video. (Kinda wish I had.) No Shred. (Glad I didn't.) No big deal. I did a lot of walking and washed the car too!
Day 2 Plan:
Fight the urge to scream my head off.
First of all, I'm back to work after a few days off sick last week. I haven't been at work since last Tuesday. BLAH!
Second? I still have cooking to do tonight when I get home. I never got that Beef and Root Vegetable dish in the crockpot last night. It's really no big deal. I have to mix up one thing, dump in all the veggies I cut Saturday, top it with the meat (after I coat it in wheat flour), top that with the sauce mixture, and turn the whole thing on. Will take me like 20 minutes, tops.
Third? Another one of those mornings. Spilled coffee down my shirt. Nearly crashed the car because of the coffee incident...twice. (I just don't learn, do I?) Annoyed by the little things this morning. I'm going to take a few moments to center myself here in a minute and get my head on straight. Then I'm going to find a few people on Spark who inspire me and stoke those fires again, because...
...I will go to the gym tonight.
...I will do my 2 miles (as long as my feet can take it).
...I will find something else to do if my feet can't take it.
...I will strength train my heart out!
...I will challenge myself to a duel!
...I will complete all my work.
...I will catch up on all my Spark Friends and Spark responsibilities.
...I will go home after the gym and cook lunch for tomorrow.
...I will put on some pasta too for the chicken parmesan!
...I will get to bed early.
...I will forgive myself for my high calorie day yesterday.
...I will push to make today as great as it can be!
...I will stop stressing over this 10k on Saturday!!! (EEP!)
Side note (maybe TMI for those who get grossed out easily) - Yesterday the dead skin over my new skin on my blisters started to come off...so I cut it off. EWWW!! Might have been a bit of a mistake on the right foot, though it was the perfect choice for the left. This blister I got in my first 5k has taken forever to heal. The dead skin smelled bad - like infection bad! EWW! The new skin underneath, though is beautiful! Still, my foot is bandaged. The new skin is soft and hurts a smidge to walk on straight. I'm hoping it'll build up some strength before Saturday (because even if I need crutches to finish, I will finish!!).
No picture today. Sorries!
Oh, and weigh-in this morning: 358.4
Guess that high calorie day didn't kill me, did it? ;)
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Quote of the Day:
“It’s hard to beat a person that never gives up.”
Starting Weight: 466.6
SP SW: 416.2
Last Week: 364.0
This Week: 358.4
SP Total Loss: 57.8
Total Loss: 111.2
Thus ends my first battle.
Mental Roadblocks and Fat Girl Inside = 0. Esther's Inner Skinny = 1.
I'm not going to say this week was easy. Most of the time I was "phoning it in" as Jillian calls it. But you know what? Sometimes showing up is the most important part of the battle. Sometimes doing what you're supposed to do while kicking and screaming (and, yes, even crying) is what gets you through. It seems that I do actually know what to do, and that's a comfort to know when I'm facing the Fat Girl and the Mental Roadblocks that hold me back.
In Day 1:
I set my goals. I got my head on straight. I told myself, "If not this week, next week. If not next week, the week after." It was all about moving forward and continuing the fight, even when it hurt, even when I really didn't want to, even when I wanted to just sleep and eat chocolate cake. (I have learned that watching wedding cake shows on TV makes me crave eating those wedding cakes! *lol* Not saying I'll stop watching them, but I should always have some healthy alternative on hand when I do.)
In Day 2:
I thought my ship was sunk with the pizza buffet and a shot in the arm that made me want to do absolutely nothing. But instead of fighting myself, I changed it up. Around 4pm I turned to Hubs and said, "I don't want to go to the gym!" in my best whiny voice. At 4:20pm or so I turned to him again and said, "Okay! I have an idea! Instead of going to the gym, why don't we pack up the bikes and the dog and head to Cedar Lakes instead?" Hubs was excited and so were the kids, and we knew Joey would be super happy about it. So I walked and took it easy but sweated a bunch. I still challenged myself with that hill and with the try on the bike. And I went home feeling proud of myself and just plain happy.
In Day 3:
I procrastinated like it was my sacred duty, like the world would fall apart if I did what I was supposed to do. For like 2 hours I sat here making a plan of action for cooking. I wanted to make sure I did everything the most effective way I could. I wanted to perfect this art of prepping and cooking for the week. Around 1pm I started cooking, and by 6pm I gave up the ghost with 2 dishes done and the ingredients chopped for a third dish. I was so hungry (I thought) all day while I was cooking yummy food. And, yes, I sampled a bite or two - which, btw, is why I keep my calories on the lower end. I could probably easily eat 2,000 calories a day every day and still lose weight right now, but I figure I should aim low in case I miscalculate and/or take a bite of something here or there. Nothing awful went into my mouth yesterday. A bite or two of mozzarella cheese was the biggest thing I remember.
Finally, after eating a huge bowl of Jambalaya (OMG the amount you get is ridiculous!) and rice, I sat on the couch and watched Radio on TV. (*love* that movie!) It was dark outside before I started regretting the fact that I didn't even walk a mile yesterday. I had two choices - 1) call it a rest day and break my workout streak and my goal of working out every day, or 2) find a DVD to do. Jillian's 30-Day Shred was just sitting there. I hadn't tried the thing since May and I was still dreading the jumping jacks. After the first round and a half of real jumping jacks I realized something ....I couldn't breathe. My heart was racing. Yes, I was working out TOO hard. I knew my heart rate was over the aerobic zone and that wasn't going to do me any good, so I gave myself permission to modify and keep my heart in the right weight loss and heart building zone instead of pushing too hard. Yes, I still cried. It was the bicycle crunches...I didn't give up on them, but by the end I was cursing the TV and Jillian herself. But I did it. And I collapsed over the side of the couch and cried, and Shane asked me why I didn't just give up and end it early and I think I said something like, "She said I was a sissy if I gave up!" And we all laughed. And about 10 minutes later I loaded the Day 1 bootcamp video here on Spark and did that too. (MUCH more fun! *lol*)
Pictures from Yesterday:
Cutting up the "root vegetables" for today's cooking - Slow Cooker Beef and Root Vegetables
Slicing mozzarella for the Pan Chicken Parmesan
Bagging the ingredients for the Beef & Root Vegetables meal
The andouille sausage I almost didn't find at the grocery store
Cooking the chicken for the Chicken Parm while...
The jambalaya cooks in the slow cooker
Letting the Chicken Parm cool before I put it in containers in the fridge
One HUGE serving of Jambalaya (finally!). I really was hungry at this point!!
Battle 2 begins today!
Battle 2 = 355
Goals for the Next 7 Days:
Healthy and healthful lunches.
Get adequate fruits and veggies.
Use healthy snacks like apples and grapes.
Stay between 1600 and 1800 calories (no more than 2,000 on high cardio days)
No less than 64 ounces of water per day.
Get plenty of sleep.
Keep your head in the game!
Exercise at least 15 minutes per day. 30 minutes + on at least 4 days this week.
Strength train 3 days.
300 crunches this week.
10k this weekend! Don't finish last, but more importantly, FINISH!
Going to get ready now for Ethan's football game. His game is at 1pm, but we have to be there at 11:30pm for weigh-in and warm-ups. We're going to have a fun day! I'm going to wear my tennis shoes and try to get in some laps around the track. I may try Bootcamp video 2 tonight too.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Quote of the Day
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”
Day 2 Recap Battle 1
Battle 1 = Seeing 359.9
Weigh in Day 1 -- 360.0
Weigh in Day 2 -- 359.3
Weigh in Day 3 -- 358.0
I keep forgetting to take pictures of my food.
Lender's Wheat Bagel with Whipped Cream Cheese
Coffee (about 12oz.) with 2 Tbsp. of creamer
Calories = 314
1 lg. slice of whole grain bread with 1 Tbsp. natural peanut butter
Calories = 205
Carloni's Lunch Buffet (Hubs' choice)
3 tiny slices of veggie pizza
1 tiny slice of pepperoni
about 1/4 cup of chicken alfredo
Calories (approx) = 566
Watermelon, about 2 cups, diced
Calories = 97
Ham & Turkey Club Sandwich with light mayo and lettuce on whole grain bread with colby jack cheese
1/2 serving of Doritoes
Calories = 483
a little more than 1/2 c. Edy's 1/2 the fat ice cream
Calories = 174
Total Calories = 1,839
GRRR! A little over, but not too much.
Water for the Day: 64/64 ounces
Gym - I didn't go.
Our Day -
Instead of the gym, Shane and I went to the grocery store early and I had a plan for my meals for the week. I may have missed one or two things, but otherwise I'm good to cook all day. My knee still felt loose and hurt, and after my shot in the arm my muscles felt like jello = no ST. Instead we took the boys over to the park with their bikes. They rode, I walked with the dog. We climbed a big hill to see the other lake, which I'd never been to before. It was fun and beautiful and hot!
After a while I got brave. I borrowed Hubs' bike attempting to try again. For years I've been unable to bike because my stomach gets in the way. I was really too fat to ride a bike. But yesterday I climbed on, and after one stumble I got both feet on those pedals and then I went. I felt like I was flying! I remembered how great bike riding used to feel. I *love* it!! The whole rest of the time there I kept thinking, "I RODE A BIKE AGAIN! I RODE A BIKE!"
I didn't burn very many calories but I felt amazing! It was an amazing day and I took care of my knee. Sometimes it is important to take it easy.
Hubs has been amazing and complimentary all week. He says he's noticing the changes and told me yesterday that my face was "cute." *lol* Adorable man!
And now I hope the scale reflects my efforts at weigh-in tomorrow.
Plan for the day:
I'm cooking today. Right now the chicken is all thawing out. I've got a plan to cut up everything, put some stuff in bags to be cooked later. Some stuffed will be cooked today and reheated another time. I've got to work on not sampling everything today, though!! *lol*
Not sure what I'll do for exercise. I really want to buy a bike and just go to the park again and RIDE! *lol* It's funny how much riding sucks in the gym but how great it is outside.
Pics from Yesterday:
My "cute" face. *lol*
The lake on the hill. (I should've taken pictures of the hill!)
A pic of Hubs, me and the Joe-meister! (Compare to pic in my gallery from late June and there's a huge difference! I can actually stand next to him without "leaning in" to get the shot!)
Joey got in the lake to get a drink and cool his paws. He *loves* hiking! I never would've guessed but he is always happiest when we're hiking and exploring!
Poor Tiggy didn't get to go. :(
And then we all did something really awesome. At 8:50pm we watched the Space Station pop up from the S/SW horizon and go across the night sky, setting on the N/NW horizon! We even got it on video using my iPhone! SO cool!
Yesterday was family day. Now today I just have to keep it together and get this food cooked for this week.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Okay, well I didn't really get to see my doctor today. I was really just there for a Depo shot, so the nurse worked with me. I asked her if I could get my BP and weight while I was there and she said sure. (I would've never thought to have ASKED for this before! *lol*)
BP - 114/80
Please note - she took my BP right after shooting me in the arm and I'm sure I was still a little upset from that. Take it as you will.
Weight on 6/24 - 384
Weight today - 362
That means I lost 22 pounds in roughly 2 months! Incredible! (And the nurse agreed! *lol*) (All while taking my first round of Depo! Take that statistics!!)
She also took my height because, well, I've never been totally sure what it is. I usually say about 5'8 and they call it good. 5'7 and a half is where I measured, so I wasn't that far off.
FYI - That means in 2 months I've taken my BMI from 59.2 to 55.9! WOOT! Go me!
FYI 2 - We went to the grocery store and got a ton of stuff for meals this week. Taco salad, Pan Chicken Parmesan (SparkRecipe), Sesame Chicken (SparkRecipe), Slow Cooker Beef & Root Vegetables, Slow Cooker Jambalaya, and Asian Beef Lettuce Wraps with Curried Couscous are all on the list for this week. Should be fun! Trying a bunch of new things this week.
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