Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Last night I freaked out. I went "crazy naggy crabby wife" on my husband and he just stood there staring at me. All the positivity buildup from the past two weeks was gone and I was ready to let out my former b*tch to play once more. As word vomit spewed from my mouth I tried to interject little apologies, but they weren't making it very far and didn't sound very sincere.
All of this happened over the stupidest thing - dinner. This week has gone pretty well so far - I had meals planned for Sunday and made enough for leftovers Monday and Tuesday for lunch (and even Monday's dinner was leftover stir fry). So Tuesday rolls around and I think, "Well, I'm out of ideas...it's hubby's turn to make something now!" Unfortunately, I kinda forgot to communicate this information/expectation to my husband. (Who, though I love him with every bit of me, doesn't know how to work at full-speed Esther mode.)
On the drive back to the house I decided I wanted to walk, because I've signed up for the 100 Consecutive Days workout challenge, and I already had 4 days consecutive to build upon. I got home while the sun was still out and went in the house to ask hubby and the kids if they wanted to join me on my walk. All agreed and we piled ourselves and the dog into the car and headed down to the kids' school (where, coincidentally, my boys had just won medals for walking so many miles around the track and, therefore, they knew that 6 laps = 1 mile). Hubby started walking with me, but then wanted to play basketball with the boys. I walked the dog around another 2 laps before joining in on the game. (Which means I worked out for 20 minutes last night, 10 mintues longer than I had my goal set for a "non-workout night"!)
We get back home and I turn to hubby and say, "So...what are you cooking for dinner?" He looked confused and said he wasn't making anything and figured he'd just grab something from the fridge for himself. And that's when all hell broke loose. I'm ashamed to say it...but I went a little nutty in that moment. I had no idea what to fix (and I distinctly remembered at the grocery store on Friday that he had picked out 3 meals to make and I picked 2, and I had already done my 2 and he'd only done 1 - so didn't he have 2 more planned?) and I went tearing through the kitchen cursing at each and every box saying, "I need to hit my goals today! I can't lose all this progress today! I have to eat a bunch of calories and some carbs and not a lot of fat and I can't find ANYTHING in here that I can make that will work with that and what am I going to do?!" (I took a breath after that, because...well, I obviously needed it after that. - makes me wonder how much energy I spend in these moments...do they have b*tching on the fitness tracker?)
So, yes, I had a minor freakout moment when I found that the hamburgers my husband had bought really weren't that bad, and I, logically, could fit them in my nutrition plans. And as I added cheese and ketchup and mayo and a bun, with each addition I felt more guilty. THIS WAS NOT HEALTHY FOOD! I thought my heart was going to break as I took bites reminding myself "I need to get my calories in" and then cursing at myself for not planning a better dinner. (All the chicken breast was frozen...and stuck to the aluminum foil because hubby packed it wrong...and I had no clue what to do with it in that state!)
I begrudgingly posted everything on my nutrition tracker and saw that I was within my limits, but I still felt in a sour mood like I had failed. Why do we continually talk about failure? It took a 20 minute self-pep-talk to remind myself that I was within my goals, that I had worked out on a non-scheduled night, that I had been good otherwise throughout the day, and that one cheeseburger was better than the two I would've eaten 3 weeks ago (and would have probably served alongside some chips with an ice cream chaser). It took me talking myself down from the ledge to be able to settle my inner monster, who kept laughing in my face and telling me I was a Loser (note the capital L).
I have come to realize that I was exhausted yesterday. I stayed up the night before writing an article in order to submit it to my class on time. I think I stayed up the night before that as well. And probably the night before that too. So, I guess what I REALLY needed to plan better was my sleeping arrangements (which I will try to work on , but probably won't change much until I finish school --- just 2.5 weeks left!).
Today is better. Today I will get some work done and feel like a productive member of my work community. Today I will finish some homework I've been avoiding and let myself off the hook for not finishing it Sunday (in order to go hang out and work out with my boys...because that time was precious to me!). Today I will smile and laugh and remind myself that everyone has days like these and remind myself that I am strong, brave, and hard-working. Today I will remind myself that I am a beautiful, wonderful, independent, compassionate, and loving woman. Today I will both forgive and love myself.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Sometimes I write comments without thinking before hand. Like the concept of accidental art (wherein the mistake you make turns out to be the real art, and not the art you intended to make), I feel like it's my bit of accidental insight that really touches me emotionally. Sometimes I sound completely crazy and off the wall, (Hope I made some of you smile today with talk of escape hatches and rocks and dandelions!) but other times something comes out and I think - I really like the way that sounds.
I made this comment on RAVENSONG37's blog post:
You know, I've always heard "your body is your temple" but I'd rather believe that my body is my tool. I can either use it correctly and it will work for me, or I can abuse it and it will be broken and unusable very soon.
I thought about my healthy living class last evening and my instructor pounding into our heads over and over, "You only get one body. You can't just trade it in when it breaks like you do your car!"
Have you ever thought about this - that we spend more time deciding what kind of car to buy than we do making serious health decisions like choosing the right doctor or even what we'll eat. When we go to the service station for a fill up, we think about the "right" type of fuel for our cars. We get check-ups for our cars every few months, change the fluids - and we expect the best brands in oil --why do you think there are so many choices at Advance! Some of us girls may even accessorize our cars. Guys certainly tend to wash their cars more often then most women I know. The point is - we take care of them. We might even name them. And have you ever caught yourself talking to your car when it's having trouble? "I'm sorry baby...just a little further and then we'll see what's wrong with you."
Why, then, do we spend so LITTLE time on ourselves? Why do we roll through the drive-thru to get a burger and fries without asking what is in them and if it is the best value for our dollar, if it will keep our bodies running longer, if we can expect better gas mileage and more miles out of our bodies from consuming that fuel? Why do we just take the cheap and easy route with our bodies - and WHY do we console our cars, but not ourselves? We beat ourselves up with talk of failure, and fat, and all those other disgusting thoughts that run through our minds. We tell ourselves we're weak. We tell ourselves we aren't worth it. But I tell my car all the time that I love it and I thank it for the service it has given me. What about my body? Hasn't it been through a whole lot more with me than my car? Think about where I'd be without it!
What would you do if someone told you that the car you have right now, whatever shape it's in at the current moment, is the car you are stuck with for the rest of your life. Think about how much time and effort you would put into making sure the car stays in good condition.
Doesn't your body deserve the same attention and respect? Doesn't it deserve the best fuel? Doesn't it deserve to stay in good shape so that it can keep you going. Because my instructor is right, we don't get another one. This is it, folks. This one body is yours to have for ever and ever. It's time to start taking care of it so that we can enjoy it for the rest of our lives!
And here's the last sobering thought from last night's class. People these days are living much longer, and that's a great thing... But think about what your last 20 years will be like if you continue with the habits you have today. Think about what you'll be doing at 90 if you continue on the path you're on. Will it be a happy and healthy and active 90, or will you be waking up every morning wishing you could simply go back to bed?
Monday, April 26, 2010
I was reading a blog comment earlier that reminded me that it's not always about numbers on the scale or even weight loss goals met. Sometimes it's gaining strength and stamina. Sometimes it's just about sticking to goals you set like drinking 8 glasses of water or working out those 3 times a week. This is a story about today's mini-victory.
Today it is cold and wet. It was pouring when I left work to head to class. POURING. "Great!" I thought. "I have to walk in the rain tonight." I worried that the rain would keep me from working out tonight. But then I remembered that I told someone earlier that the way I keep myself motivated to workout even when I don't want to is to simply do it....even if I whine and complain the entire time.
When I left my class the rain had reduced itself to a drizzle. I gave a brief thought to simply skipping my workout tonight and making it up tomorrow, and then I brushed that thought off, headed to the car and drove down campus to the football field (hoping and praying it was open for use of the track...it was!). I grabbed my MP3 player and my water bottle and gave myself a Nike boost. (Just Do It!)
I was impressed with how quickly I was lapping the track. I couldn't remember if it was 3 or 4 times around the track to equal a mile, but I felt I could get in four. The fourth time around the track was HARD. I got halfway and thought "OMG! There's NO WAY I can do this!" Time wasn't going fast enough and it was looking like a 5th trek around the track was necessary to fill my 30 minute goal. Then Radiohead came on.
Two jumps in a week, I bet you think that's pretty clever don't you boy
Flyin' on your motorcycle, watching all the ground beneath you drop
You'd kill yourself for recognition, kill yourself to never ever stop
You broke another mirror, you're turning into something you are not
Well, that's right! I have been turning into something I'm not. I am NOT what people take me for! I am stronger, faster, and have more will power than anyone gives me credit for!...my speed increased immediately.
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
I won't leave you high and dry, this body that I love and vowed to take care of. I promise. I'll make it through this and we'll both be stronger for it.
Drying up in conversation, you will be the one who cannot talk
All your insides fall to pieces, you just sit there wishing you could still make love
They're the ones who'll hate you when you think you've got the world
all sussed out
They're the ones who'll spit at you. You will be the one screaming out
I imagined reporting back here. To all of you. To myself and I pumped my legs harder until I pushed through that 4th lap and reached that special place on the other side of the wall once again. (see my other post) This time it felt even better. This time it lasted longer. And it wasn't until 3/4 of the way into lap 5 that I started feeling those pains again.
Oh It's the best thing that you've ever had
The best thing that you've ever, ever had
It's the best thing that you've ever had
Yep. It was.
Monday, April 26, 2010
There's a little something bothering me today. Maybe some of you have experience with this as well, but it constantly gets on my nerves and it happened to me again this morning.
When you are a male and you walk by or have a conversation with your female coworker, it is not polite to stare at their breasts the entire time. When there is a person in a wheelchair, you don't stair at their wheels and their legs. If a person has a lazy eye, you don't gawk at the "wrong" eye as if you're just trying to get its attention because you feel nobody else has ever tried hard enough. You act polite and try to focus on them, not their body parts. Most people know and, generally, tend to follow these rules. Why, then, do skinny people constantly feel the need to glance at, or even stare at, my stomach instead of looking at me?
Now I realize I am a big girl. I realize I carry a LOT of my weight in my stomach. I also realize that I'm doing something to combat this issue (although they may or may not know this). So as I'm walking down the hall to the bathroom and you say hello to my stomach and not to my face, it makes me more than a little peeved.
My stomach is not going to answer you. It will not give you a compliment to make you feel better about yourself. It will not give you a smile that you can carry along to the next person you meet. My stomach will not reach out to shake your hand or catch your books as they fall. I am more than my stomach, and I deserve the respect you extend to others to be extended to me as well. You might as well simply say, "Damn, girl! You got a big stomach!" because that's what I hear in my head every time you look at it and not me.
So, please...the next time you are walking next to person with a gut, look them in the face. Smile and say hello. If you know them, tell them how great they look. Find something to compliment, because it will go a lot further to making them feel better about themselves (and therein treat themselves better by making healthy choices) than any sidelong glance at their bulky areas will.
Keep your eyes on the prize dude...that would be up here!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Okay, this is going to sound ....I don't know what... but I have two reasons to dress up next month and I'm feeling anxious and confused. First up is graduation on May 16th and the second is a friend's wedding on the 29th. I'm thinking I can use the same dress/outfit for both, but I'm worried. Do I go buy something now and risk not fitting into it later? Do I wait and risk not finding something later? I unfortunately don't have enough money to blow on a dress now and another when the end of the month rolls around. i guess I'll probably just wait until the end of the first week of May and see where I am, and then go try some things on before (probably) ordering online. Funny how THIS is what I'm worried about right now. *lol*
Other things on my mind:
- I need to set some goals for myself...at least for the next few months. Maybe summer goals?
- I need to plan this week out before it starts so I don't have to worry about it while I'm at work/school and should be worrying about other things. (Thankfully there are leftovers from today that will help with that.)
- I cannot wait until someone can actually see the changes that have already occurred. My arm strength is increasing (I have muscles under there!) and my stamina increases each and every day. More importantly, I wish people could see the mental change that has occured over the last few weeks. Sitting here earlier today I looked outside and thought "WHY am I sitting in this house? I can do this homework later...even if it causes me a little pitter-patter in my heart by not getting it done early. Right now, at this moment, I should be outside with my husband and children enjoying the sunshine." I shut it down, grabbed all 3 boys and headed up to the park for an hour of basketball play. Exercise and SO much fun all at once!
Side note - Made both Chicken Vegetable Stir Fry and Ratatouille today. Leftovers are there for the week! I even got my 10 year old to eat vegetables today (the 8 year old was not so eager, but discovered today that he likes eggplant...going to go track down more recipes using this ingredient). Husband is full and happy! :)
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