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Another Day Over, a Little Bit Wiser (I Hope!)

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Today started out SLOW! *lol* I mean, the day didn't go by slow...I did. I was a little sluggish from little sleep and the stress of last night. But once I talked myself into having a good day...I did. I set some goals for myself last night.

emoticon 1. Be productive at work.
I hate to say it, but I've been Sparking way too much at work. Today I went in and told myself I'd only log on to log food and check a few people's pages and then I'd be off...and I did a pretty good job sticking to that. I didn't get any cases done today (almost!) because my boss redirected my attention on a speech she needed for Sunday. Proud to say I got it done before I left and we're going to review tomorrow. (She left the office for a little bit and didn't return until I was leaving.)

emoticon 2. Make healthy food choices.
I couldn't believe it...I forgot my lunch! Instead of ordering pizza with a coworker, I walked down to CVS on my first break and bought a Lean Cuisine and some Fiber One bars. *YAY ME!* Had a healthy lunch and healthy snacks. Also had one of the mini-bags of popcorn I had at my desk for one of my snacks. It felt good to eat that popcorn because, on the one hand, it felt naughty, and on the other, it wasn't! One whole TINY bag (they are adorable I tell you!) is like 110 calories and low in fat ('cause I bought the light butter kind!)! Then I drove to Kroger after work and got the rest of the fixins I needed for the Vegetarian Chili that was suggested for dinner on my nutrition log. (My husband HATED it...I mean, he said it was the WORSE thing he'd ever tasted. I liked it....*lol*)

emoticon 3. Get some homework done.
Well, I did some research and got a little bit of stuff done today. Have to finish the rest here in a few minutes.

emoticon 4. Workout.
Today is my scheduled workout day. I worked out for a little bit yesterday because I've started the 100 Consecutive Days Workout Challenge, and I have to admit that while I was in class I was thinking I did NOT want to do it tonight. I was asking myself, "Don't I deserve a night off?" I found myself wondering why I try to reason myself out of my goals and then forced that little snobby girl inside to suck it up. I drove home, put on the tennis shoes, picked up the dog and drove down to the track. Did 9 laps around, which equals about 1.3 miles. The dog slowed me down a bit (so did the inclines! This track is MUCH harder than a regular track because it's on the side of a hill so you're almost always walking either up or down. I told myself that this would be REALLY GOOD for my body and did all 9 laps!)

emoticon 5. Forgive myself.
I did. I'm good. And after feeling a little icky on my way to school, I realize that it's likely nearing that TOM. Makes perfect sense that I flew off the handle over something stupid. (Also realized how GREAT it is to feel upset to your stomach and be able to rule out food as the cause...I ate healthy food and nothing that should have upset me, so I know that it's most likely something else that caused this.)

emoticon 6. Love myself.
I did all day. I thought about how great I'm doing. I've done 6 days of working out in a row. I have stuck to my goals and have met some amazing people. I've kept up my end of the bargain, so I deserve all the credit for that. Plus...I mean...I'm pretty freakin' awesome, you know? What's not to love?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

REDCHILIFLAKES 4/29/2010 10:54AM

    Rock on! You accomplished a lot yesterday, and it seems like those last two are really the most important. I don't think we can get very far on this journey if we don't remember to be kind to ourselves and dissociate the "snobby girl" on the inside.

Right now I'm reading "Women Food and God" (mostly because Oprah told me to) and the author talks about "The Voice" inside of us that disapproves of our actions and makes us feel guilt. The author discusses ways to recognize the voice and stop it in its tracks, and you are doing just that!

Keep up the good work.

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SUSIEMT 4/28/2010 11:17PM

    Wow! I am impressed! You did GREAT!! Keep up the good work!

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ALIMESSA 4/28/2010 10:49PM ARE awesome, baby!! And I do love you! You have a great mindset...I love it...I love your blogs, your comments to me...thank you so much for sharing yourself with all of us!

Continue being proud of yourself and where you are going...this lifestyle change is hard and you are proving that you can overcome obstacles that get in the are proving that you can persevere and be the best you can be (ok, sounds like an armed forces slogan??)!

Anyway...I am proud of you, and thrilled we are on this journey together! Stay strong!!

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DLEE27 4/28/2010 9:22PM

    You are freakin' awesome!!!! Fabulous blog, as per usual! (Side note: I really don't want to work out tonight, but since you sucked it up, so I guess so can I!)

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It Was Bound to Happen, Sooner or Later - W2.D4

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Last night I freaked out. I went "crazy naggy crabby wife" on my husband and he just stood there staring at me. All the positivity buildup from the past two weeks was gone and I was ready to let out my former b*tch to play once more. As word vomit spewed from my mouth I tried to interject little apologies, but they weren't making it very far and didn't sound very sincere.

All of this happened over the stupidest thing - dinner. This week has gone pretty well so far - I had meals planned for Sunday and made enough for leftovers Monday and Tuesday for lunch (and even Monday's dinner was leftover stir fry). So Tuesday rolls around and I think, "Well, I'm out of's hubby's turn to make something now!" Unfortunately, I kinda forgot to communicate this information/expectation to my husband. (Who, though I love him with every bit of me, doesn't know how to work at full-speed Esther mode.)

On the drive back to the house I decided I wanted to walk, because I've signed up for the 100 Consecutive Days workout challenge, and I already had 4 days consecutive to build upon. I got home while the sun was still out and went in the house to ask hubby and the kids if they wanted to join me on my walk. All agreed and we piled ourselves and the dog into the car and headed down to the kids' school (where, coincidentally, my boys had just won medals for walking so many miles around the track and, therefore, they knew that 6 laps = 1 mile). Hubby started walking with me, but then wanted to play basketball with the boys. I walked the dog around another 2 laps before joining in on the game. (Which means I worked out for 20 minutes last night, 10 mintues longer than I had my goal set for a "non-workout night"!)

We get back home and I turn to hubby and say, "So...what are you cooking for dinner?" He looked confused and said he wasn't making anything and figured he'd just grab something from the fridge for himself. And that's when all hell broke loose. I'm ashamed to say it...but I went a little nutty in that moment. I had no idea what to fix (and I distinctly remembered at the grocery store on Friday that he had picked out 3 meals to make and I picked 2, and I had already done my 2 and he'd only done 1 - so didn't he have 2 more planned?) and I went tearing through the kitchen cursing at each and every box saying, "I need to hit my goals today! I can't lose all this progress today! I have to eat a bunch of calories and some carbs and not a lot of fat and I can't find ANYTHING in here that I can make that will work with that and what am I going to do?!" (I took a breath after that, because...well, I obviously needed it after that. - makes me wonder how much energy I spend in these they have b*tching on the fitness tracker?)

So, yes, I had a minor freakout moment when I found that the hamburgers my husband had bought really weren't that bad, and I, logically, could fit them in my nutrition plans. And as I added cheese and ketchup and mayo and a bun, with each addition I felt more guilty. THIS WAS NOT HEALTHY FOOD! I thought my heart was going to break as I took bites reminding myself "I need to get my calories in" and then cursing at myself for not planning a better dinner. (All the chicken breast was frozen...and stuck to the aluminum foil because hubby packed it wrong...and I had no clue what to do with it in that state!)

I begrudgingly posted everything on my nutrition tracker and saw that I was within my limits, but I still felt in a sour mood like I had failed. Why do we continually talk about failure? It took a 20 minute self-pep-talk to remind myself that I was within my goals, that I had worked out on a non-scheduled night, that I had been good otherwise throughout the day, and that one cheeseburger was better than the two I would've eaten 3 weeks ago (and would have probably served alongside some chips with an ice cream chaser). It took me talking myself down from the ledge to be able to settle my inner monster, who kept laughing in my face and telling me I was a Loser (note the capital L).

I have come to realize that I was exhausted yesterday. I stayed up the night before writing an article in order to submit it to my class on time. I think I stayed up the night before that as well. And probably the night before that too. So, I guess what I REALLY needed to plan better was my sleeping arrangements (which I will try to work on , but probably won't change much until I finish school --- just 2.5 weeks left!).

Today is better. Today I will get some work done and feel like a productive member of my work community. Today I will finish some homework I've been avoiding and let myself off the hook for not finishing it Sunday (in order to go hang out and work out with my boys...because that time was precious to me!). Today I will smile and laugh and remind myself that everyone has days like these and remind myself that I am strong, brave, and hard-working. Today I will remind myself that I am a beautiful, wonderful, independent, compassionate, and loving woman. Today I will both forgive and love myself.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KILA1228 4/28/2010 7:03PM

    Been there, down that! emoticon My hubby is big on ordering out on his days to cook! I learned to stock the freezer with healthier stuff. I have frozen turkey burgers that can be cooked straight from the box. It's boring but I have it just in case the hubby wants to order out and I don't want to ruin the calorie count for the day. Don't stress to much, we all have those days, put it behind you and forget it!!! emoticon

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JAKI1027 4/28/2010 3:49PM

    Hey keep telling yourself school is almost over and thats ONE burden off you for a little while! I have those freakouts too! and im so glad to see so many other people have them. at least we aren't alone!!!! Have a better day! your doing great!!!

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CALLIKIA 4/28/2010 11:59AM

    I honestly had 5 healthy quick serve dinners in the freezer, but I've been so freaked out over sodium content lately that I just didn't take the bait there. (Plus, I have this weird thing about - if I'm at home, I want a homecooked meal (even if it was just tator tots in the microwave or a bagel in the toaster) becuase I eat those dinners at work all the time.) I just realized I have really strange habits and expectations! *lol*

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HARMONYBLUE 4/28/2010 11:49AM

    This is a learning experience! You need a few "go to" meals on hand for when no one feels like cooking or has the foggiest notion what to whip up for dinner. My favorites...salmon burgers with sweet potato fries, kashi pizza with a bunch of added veggie toppings and all natural chicken pot stickers (steamed) with a huge bowl of edemame.

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MEANDNICOLAS 4/28/2010 11:33AM

    We all have to learn to be a little nicer to ourselves - myself included - and understand that the good is outweighing the bad. I kept repeating this to myself last night when I had 1/2 cup of full-fat ice cream - incredibly delicious and I was determined to enjoy it! Cut yourself some slack - I'm sure your husband will appreciate it too emoticon

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ZENTHAE 4/28/2010 11:32AM

    You are doing great, and I hate to say this... but you freaking out makes me feel better hehe. I have freak outs about those things too sometimes, and now I feel more normal hehe.

You deserve a treat here and there and if your in your calories even better! Don't feel like a failure, you only fail by giving up! Your not, you succeeded! Your not going to be able to plan every meal, and you will have to learn how to portion your meals. And having one hamburger is COMPLETELY reasonable. You did AMAZING!


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MSBETH 4/28/2010 10:46AM

    WOW!! What a rough day!! I went through a similar situation recently and found myself taking it out on my boyfriend... we even went to bed not speaking. I find myself wanting to let myself get all mean when really I am not even all that mad to begin with. I have been working out, which puts me in a better mood, but sometimes I find myself freaking out a little like the old me, out of habit - and it IS a waste of energy! I am glad you are feeling better today! You seem to be doing great!! emoticon

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BOOKLVER81 4/28/2010 10:42AM

    We all have those days...I had one yesterday myself and topped it off with mac and cheese that made me feel absolutely sick after I finished. I went over my calories...but you know was a whole new day. I got my happy (not-so-happy really cuz I was feeling sluggish and tired and I really need to work on getting to bed earlier) butt outta bed and took my son to school and then hopped on my treadmill and walked for 90 minutes! I forgave myself for being short with my husband, son, and dog (oops) and they forgave me too, cuz hey...I'm momma. lol. So good for your for forgiving yourself and moving on. :)

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Accidental Insight - W2.D3

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Sometimes I write comments without thinking before hand. Like the concept of accidental art (wherein the mistake you make turns out to be the real art, and not the art you intended to make), I feel like it's my bit of accidental insight that really touches me emotionally. Sometimes I sound completely crazy and off the wall, (Hope I made some of you smile today with talk of escape hatches and rocks and dandelions!) but other times something comes out and I think - I really like the way that sounds.
I made this comment on RAVENSONG37's blog post:
You know, I've always heard "your body is your temple" but I'd rather believe that my body is my tool. I can either use it correctly and it will work for me, or I can abuse it and it will be broken and unusable very soon.

I thought about my healthy living class last evening and my instructor pounding into our heads over and over, "You only get one body. You can't just trade it in when it breaks like you do your car!"

Have you ever thought about this - that we spend more time deciding what kind of car to buy than we do making serious health decisions like choosing the right doctor or even what we'll eat. When we go to the service station for a fill up, we think about the "right" type of fuel for our cars. We get check-ups for our cars every few months, change the fluids - and we expect the best brands in oil --why do you think there are so many choices at Advance! Some of us girls may even accessorize our cars. Guys certainly tend to wash their cars more often then most women I know. The point is - we take care of them. We might even name them. And have you ever caught yourself talking to your car when it's having trouble? "I'm sorry baby...just a little further and then we'll see what's wrong with you."

Why, then, do we spend so LITTLE time on ourselves? Why do we roll through the drive-thru to get a burger and fries without asking what is in them and if it is the best value for our dollar, if it will keep our bodies running longer, if we can expect better gas mileage and more miles out of our bodies from consuming that fuel? Why do we just take the cheap and easy route with our bodies - and WHY do we console our cars, but not ourselves? We beat ourselves up with talk of failure, and fat, and all those other disgusting thoughts that run through our minds. We tell ourselves we're weak. We tell ourselves we aren't worth it. But I tell my car all the time that I love it and I thank it for the service it has given me. What about my body? Hasn't it been through a whole lot more with me than my car? Think about where I'd be without it!

What would you do if someone told you that the car you have right now, whatever shape it's in at the current moment, is the car you are stuck with for the rest of your life. Think about how much time and effort you would put into making sure the car stays in good condition.

Doesn't your body deserve the same attention and respect? Doesn't it deserve the best fuel? Doesn't it deserve to stay in good shape so that it can keep you going. Because my instructor is right, we don't get another one. This is it, folks. This one body is yours to have for ever and ever. It's time to start taking care of it so that we can enjoy it for the rest of our lives!

And here's the last sobering thought from last night's class. People these days are living much longer, and that's a great thing... But think about what your last 20 years will be like if you continue with the habits you have today. Think about what you'll be doing at 90 if you continue on the path you're on. Will it be a happy and healthy and active 90, or will you be waking up every morning wishing you could simply go back to bed?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    "Wow is all I can say. Nicejob putting it all into perspective. To be honest, I didn't take good care of my very first car, and it died too soon on me. I learned the hard way how to be a responsible car owner. I am confident that this time I am in it for life - taking care of my body and mind that is - because I'd hate my body to go through what my first car did. Thank you for this - I have to save this and remember the visual of my poor black Hyundai at the end of its life, and let it stand as symbol of what I am doing with my body when I don't take care of it.

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KILA1228 4/27/2010 4:02PM

    Great blogging! You have a way with words and your writing just flows. You have a talent, girly!

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DLEE27 4/27/2010 3:12PM

    Very insightful, very true, and very disappointing....will be thinking about this all afternoon while digging out my hatch..... emoticon

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ALIMESSA 4/27/2010 2:52PM

    I love your analogy of the tool being like our body...and the car...WOW, that really makes you think...loved this blog and will share it with others! Thanks for taking the time to blog...I like your accidental insight...hope you have a lot more of it and keep on sharing it!! And why haven't I read anything about escape hatches, dandelions or rocks??? I'm on the hunt now!!

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    GREAT post, and great insight.

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    Great insight! I do talk sweetly to my car and take her (yes, her) in for regular checkups, and I should give my body the same respect.

And yes, while we as a planet are living longer, the United States has the second lowest life expectancy of the developed nations on Earth. This generation of children is predicted to be the first to have shorter lifespans than their parents. How scary is that?

Keep up the silly mood!

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Monday, April 26, 2010

I was reading a blog comment earlier that reminded me that it's not always about numbers on the scale or even weight loss goals met. Sometimes it's gaining strength and stamina. Sometimes it's just about sticking to goals you set like drinking 8 glasses of water or working out those 3 times a week. This is a story about today's mini-victory.

Today it is cold and wet. It was pouring when I left work to head to class. POURING. "Great!" I thought. "I have to walk in the rain tonight." I worried that the rain would keep me from working out tonight. But then I remembered that I told someone earlier that the way I keep myself motivated to workout even when I don't want to is to simply do it....even if I whine and complain the entire time.

When I left my class the rain had reduced itself to a drizzle. I gave a brief thought to simply skipping my workout tonight and making it up tomorrow, and then I brushed that thought off, headed to the car and drove down campus to the football field (hoping and praying it was open for use of the was!). I grabbed my MP3 player and my water bottle and gave myself a Nike boost. (Just Do It!)

I was impressed with how quickly I was lapping the track. I couldn't remember if it was 3 or 4 times around the track to equal a mile, but I felt I could get in four. The fourth time around the track was HARD. I got halfway and thought "OMG! There's NO WAY I can do this!" Time wasn't going fast enough and it was looking like a 5th trek around the track was necessary to fill my 30 minute goal. Then Radiohead came on.

Two jumps in a week, I bet you think that's pretty clever don't you boy
Flyin' on your motorcycle, watching all the ground beneath you drop
You'd kill yourself for recognition, kill yourself to never ever stop
You broke another mirror, you're turning into something you are not

Well, that's right! I have been turning into something I'm not. I am NOT what people take me for! I am stronger, faster, and have more will power than anyone gives me credit for! speed increased immediately.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

I won't leave you high and dry, this body that I love and vowed to take care of. I promise. I'll make it through this and we'll both be stronger for it.

Drying up in conversation, you will be the one who cannot talk
All your insides fall to pieces, you just sit there wishing you could still make love
They're the ones who'll hate you when you think you've got the world
all sussed out
They're the ones who'll spit at you. You will be the one screaming out

I imagined reporting back here. To all of you. To myself and I pumped my legs harder until I pushed through that 4th lap and reached that special place on the other side of the wall once again. (see my other post) This time it felt even better. This time it lasted longer. And it wasn't until 3/4 of the way into lap 5 that I started feeling those pains again.

Oh It's the best thing that you've ever had
The best thing that you've ever, ever had
It's the best thing that you've ever had

Yep. It was.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALIMESSA 4/27/2010 2:28AM

    You should be so proud of yourself...pushing is so hard, but oh soooo rewarding! Congrats on your victory (not so mini if you ask me)!!! Stay strong and you WILL persevere!

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HARMONYBLUE 4/26/2010 9:55PM

    Great blog! Great push through lap 4 and on to lap 5. Congrats!

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KILA1228 4/26/2010 7:42PM

    Good for you! Every step is going to get easier! emoticon

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DLEE27 4/26/2010 7:11PM

    Way to go! I was just thinking that my back and legs are sore and I don't really want to get on the elliptical tonight...thanks for giving me the inspiration I needed!

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ZENTHAE 4/26/2010 6:59PM

    Thats awesome! You are amazing for pushing yourself !

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HANNAHEP 4/26/2010 6:43PM

    wow! you pushed yourself to work out in the rain AND you pushed yourself to finish the lap. you are pretty awesome! emoticon

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AGAINALWAYS 4/26/2010 6:40PM

    Hooray! Good for you! It's amazing how it feels when we just do it!

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Death to Gawkers - W2.D2

Monday, April 26, 2010

There's a little something bothering me today. Maybe some of you have experience with this as well, but it constantly gets on my nerves and it happened to me again this morning.

When you are a male and you walk by or have a conversation with your female coworker, it is not polite to stare at their breasts the entire time. When there is a person in a wheelchair, you don't stair at their wheels and their legs. If a person has a lazy eye, you don't gawk at the "wrong" eye as if you're just trying to get its attention because you feel nobody else has ever tried hard enough. You act polite and try to focus on them, not their body parts. Most people know and, generally, tend to follow these rules. Why, then, do skinny people constantly feel the need to glance at, or even stare at, my stomach instead of looking at me?

Now I realize I am a big girl. I realize I carry a LOT of my weight in my stomach. I also realize that I'm doing something to combat this issue (although they may or may not know this). So as I'm walking down the hall to the bathroom and you say hello to my stomach and not to my face, it makes me more than a little peeved.

My stomach is not going to answer you. It will not give you a compliment to make you feel better about yourself. It will not give you a smile that you can carry along to the next person you meet. My stomach will not reach out to shake your hand or catch your books as they fall. I am more than my stomach, and I deserve the respect you extend to others to be extended to me as well. You might as well simply say, "Damn, girl! You got a big stomach!" because that's what I hear in my head every time you look at it and not me.

So, please...the next time you are walking next to person with a gut, look them in the face. Smile and say hello. If you know them, tell them how great they look. Find something to compliment, because it will go a lot further to making them feel better about themselves (and therein treat themselves better by making healthy choices) than any sidelong glance at their bulky areas will.

Keep your eyes on the prize dude...that would be up here!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AGAINALWAYS 4/26/2010 4:15PM

    Having always had a large chest, I totally know what you mean. 'Eyes up here, fella!'

It drives me crazy when people complain about an overweight co-worker and they ALWAYS throw a derogatory comment about her weight in - and they makes these comments in front of me! This happened a lot at a previous gig and I finally had to address it. When they'd say 'Fat B*#^%*^' or worse, I quietly ask what her weight had to do with the issue at hand. It was usually met by stunned silence and I'd take that moment to explain how hearing stuff like that when I was overweight as well made me uncomfortable and also wonder what people said about me when I did something wrong. I'd get assurances that no one ever talked about me like that - and they'd also stop making comments like that in my hearing.

My sister has always been super-skinny, and it's just as hurtful to hear "Gosh, don't you ever eat anything?" or "Well, I'm not anorexic like you." or "What do you have to worry about? At least you're thin!".

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WORKNPROGRESS27 4/26/2010 2:58PM

    Yep. I feel self conscience already, why are people so rude? I just don't get it. I don't like going to the GYm for the specific fact that people have no manners. I mean really? I'm Obviously trying. Give me a break, and even if I wasn't "You don't know me. How dear you judge me"
One of my really good friend's sister-in-law Said to her "No offense, but I really just don't see why people let themselves get fat." Now my friend is obviously over weight, but Saying "No Offense" doesn't mean crap when she just stood there and insulted her.

People are just rude.

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