Monday, April 26, 2010
There's a little something bothering me today. Maybe some of you have experience with this as well, but it constantly gets on my nerves and it happened to me again this morning.
When you are a male and you walk by or have a conversation with your female coworker, it is not polite to stare at their breasts the entire time. When there is a person in a wheelchair, you don't stair at their wheels and their legs. If a person has a lazy eye, you don't gawk at the "wrong" eye as if you're just trying to get its attention because you feel nobody else has ever tried hard enough. You act polite and try to focus on them, not their body parts. Most people know and, generally, tend to follow these rules. Why, then, do skinny people constantly feel the need to glance at, or even stare at, my stomach instead of looking at me?
Now I realize I am a big girl. I realize I carry a LOT of my weight in my stomach. I also realize that I'm doing something to combat this issue (although they may or may not know this). So as I'm walking down the hall to the bathroom and you say hello to my stomach and not to my face, it makes me more than a little peeved.
My stomach is not going to answer you. It will not give you a compliment to make you feel better about yourself. It will not give you a smile that you can carry along to the next person you meet. My stomach will not reach out to shake your hand or catch your books as they fall. I am more than my stomach, and I deserve the respect you extend to others to be extended to me as well. You might as well simply say, "Damn, girl! You got a big stomach!" because that's what I hear in my head every time you look at it and not me.
So, please...the next time you are walking next to person with a gut, look them in the face. Smile and say hello. If you know them, tell them how great they look. Find something to compliment, because it will go a lot further to making them feel better about themselves (and therein treat themselves better by making healthy choices) than any sidelong glance at their bulky areas will.
Keep your eyes on the prize dude...that would be up here!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Okay, this is going to sound ....I don't know what... but I have two reasons to dress up next month and I'm feeling anxious and confused. First up is graduation on May 16th and the second is a friend's wedding on the 29th. I'm thinking I can use the same dress/outfit for both, but I'm worried. Do I go buy something now and risk not fitting into it later? Do I wait and risk not finding something later? I unfortunately don't have enough money to blow on a dress now and another when the end of the month rolls around. i guess I'll probably just wait until the end of the first week of May and see where I am, and then go try some things on before (probably) ordering online. Funny how THIS is what I'm worried about right now. *lol*
Other things on my mind:
- I need to set some goals for myself...at least for the next few months. Maybe summer goals?
- I need to plan this week out before it starts so I don't have to worry about it while I'm at work/school and should be worrying about other things. (Thankfully there are leftovers from today that will help with that.)
- I cannot wait until someone can actually see the changes that have already occurred. My arm strength is increasing (I have muscles under there!) and my stamina increases each and every day. More importantly, I wish people could see the mental change that has occured over the last few weeks. Sitting here earlier today I looked outside and thought "WHY am I sitting in this house? I can do this homework later...even if it causes me a little pitter-patter in my heart by not getting it done early. Right now, at this moment, I should be outside with my husband and children enjoying the sunshine." I shut it down, grabbed all 3 boys and headed up to the park for an hour of basketball play. Exercise and SO much fun all at once!
Side note - Made both Chicken Vegetable Stir Fry and Ratatouille today. Leftovers are there for the week! I even got my 10 year old to eat vegetables today (the 8 year old was not so eager, but discovered today that he likes eggplant...going to go track down more recipes using this ingredient). Husband is full and happy! :)
Sunday, April 25, 2010
SP SW: 416.2
Goal for this week: 414.2
Actual for this Week: 406.6
Weight Lost this Week: 9.6
Total Weight lost: 9.6 (60)
This week went really, really well. I let myself enjoy my husband's birthday with a couple bites of his Strawberry Shortcake cake, instead of an entire piece (or two or three). I let myself have a Blizzard, but picked the one with the lowest calories on their nutrition menu (they don't list them all and I feel there may have been a "better" choice but I went with what I knew instead of what I could "guesstimate"). I made sure that when I had these things, I was strictly following the calorie count ahead of time. I used small plates at every meal because it is helping my mind get around the concept of smaller portions doesn't necessarily mean a tiny bit of food.
My husband looks at me with pride. "She eats 1 cup of everything," he told his mother yesterday and it made me smile. He notices that I'm watching and measuring. He notices that I do my exercises, even when I don't want to because I'm tired. My kids have even gotten on board and now I see them eating apples and grapes instead of chips and snack cakes for their snacks, and that makes me feel amazing...because not only am I helping myself live longer, but I'm helping them make healthier choices as well.
I lost nearly 10 pounds this week, simply by following the plan, listening to my body, and refusing to beat myself up for little slip-ups. I wasn't depriving myself of food (in fact, sometimes I was worried because I was full and my calorie count was too low for the day...but I just let it go as long as I felt comfortable with what I had done that day). I did have those set-back moments of "This is going to take FOREVER!" and seeing pictures of myself in which I look enormous. But I pushed through them. I told myself that in a few months, those pictures will serve well as before shots and people will start to notice how far I've come.
One thing I did add to my count up there is a reminder that this is not my first time on this journey. A couple years ago I weighed in at 466.6 and I was barely mobile. I lost 100 lbs. and then I leveled myself off and let myself off the hook for awhile. Whether I should've kept going or not at that time, I don't know...but I'm not focusing on that now. Maybe it was good that I showed myself that I could maintain with only minor fluctuations for a couple years, and when I recognized that I had risen to where my pants were getting tight again, I made the decision to start this journey again.
My final goal right now is 266.6, because it will mean I have lost a total of 200 lbs. since that awful day on the scale. I also chose this number because the daunting task of reaching a final healthy goal weight of 140 seems too daunting to imagine. Even if I reach 266, I will be under what I was at my high school graduation 11 years ago...and right now that sounds marvelous! I'm not going to bog myself down with the reminder that even when I reach this goal, I will have another journey ahead of me.
My goals for next week are as follows:
* Lose another 2 lbs. (although I secretly wish I could lose all 6 and see the 300s again, I know that week 2 is rarely as successful as week 1)
* Work out 3 times a week
* Start making healthy home-cooked meals
* Set a better mindset and keep it running throughout the week by reminding myself that I may have struggled this week, but I did it!
* Find new exercises that I can do. (My son is currently pulling out the DDR and I'm reminded that there are other ways to burn calories that are both fun and successful.)
* Even out the food distribution for calorie/carb count so that I'm not trying to make it all up at dinner.
* Get more sleep.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Had my first "down" day today. Just a lot going on. Hubby's birthday tomorrow. Surrounded by skinny people who don't understand. It's been VERY difficult to get through without throwing in the towel. But I did my 30 minute walk. I did my strength training exercises. I kept watch on my calories. I got through it knowing I'd have to face all of you, and more importantly, myself at the end of the day and ask myself what I did this day to make the future better. I would have to ask myself if I did all I could to fight the battle and change my life for the better. I had that moment of, "This is going to take FOREVER!" and I reminded myself that I've been here before and I got through it moment by moment. I took a moment and it hasn't quite passed. Still, I'm hoping for a brighter day tomorrow.
Friday, April 23, 2010
I finally remember what it's like to push through the pain and reach that place on the other side. That place where you feel like your legs are moving and you're just along for the ride. That place where you feel an invisible hand pushing you from behind, a voice in your ear whispering "better, faster, stronger, harder." That place where you feel 20 pounds lighter, the wind at your back, the troubles of muscles stretching and pain melt away. That place where you know that in 10-20 minutes reality will snap you back and remind you that your legs are sore, your left middle toe is numb, your breathing is strained, and there is a small fire building in the lower half of your body. And you know that moment is upon you, but you don't care because all that exists in that place is that moment...the feeling of weightlessness and ease...the feeling that you can and will do anything today. It's all about that moment in that special place.
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