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Confessions and Misconceptions

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The AB team has a forum thread with this exact title and I feel like I should honor it here. It's time to get real, my homies! (Sorry...just watched RAVENSONG gansta dance it out...got me in a mood.)

Confession #1:
As much as I try to set an example...as much as I want to be noticed and recognized for my accomplishments, I've been experiencing a bit of a freak out moment over all the attention lately. This is no disrespect to anyone who has friended me recently, who has posted on previous blogs, who has nominated me for Spark Motivator, or anything of the sort. This is also not a call to be left alone (see Confession #2). What this is is me fessing up. When you feel like the world is watching you, it's SO HARD not to feel the pressure to stay perfect. I just want you all to understand that I love the love you've shown me, but I hope you realize that I am in no way perfect. I am still morbidly obese, even after 100 pounds lost...and I have a ways to go before I get under that. I still get attacked by the "IDUNWANNA"s and the "SCREWTHIS"s from time to time, usually once a week. And right now, in this moment, I'm pissed because the scale tells me that by going off track one day I gained something like 8 pounds. In one day! GRRR! So don't be upset or surprised when your SP Motivators have bad days...remember that we're struggling right along with you and we can't always be rainbows and butterflies happy and on point.
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Confession #2:
I feel lonely - a lot! As much as I'm surrounded here on Spark by people fighting the same battle, I often feel like I've only been accepted into the "club" because it's PC to do so. No disrespect to any of my Spark Friends, as corny as it sounds (but it's true) - it's not you, it's me. I've spent my life as the fat friend, and I've often felt like I was "kept around" so that I could make those around me feel better about themselves. Me and friends rarely work out for very long because they find other (skinnier) girls they can relate to better. I've never been in a friend's wedding, even the friend I knew since the age of about 6. And I always felt like it's because they would hate to ruin their wedding pictures with the huge girl taking up all the space on the end. (And because finding a dress to fit me would screw up all the other bridesmaid dresses.) It's a source of discomfort to admit it, but that's how it feels to be the fat friend. (And I'm sure many of you have felt this from time to time.)

I also feel very lonely at the gym. I get stared at a lot. Sometimes I get a smile like, "You go girl!" and other times it's the look of, "What the hell are YOU doing here? You're going to break the friggin' machine!" (which I do worry about all the time, btw) I often wish I could bring my support system with me (husband, kids), but hard as I try, hubs is not interested in bulking up and making himself into a lean machine. Hubs thinks he looks great and has no self-esteem issues. And when his gut grows a little too big for his liking, he simply cuts back a bit on his eating of sweets and he's good to go again. (I'm so jealous of his wonderful self-esteem and ability to self-regulate like that!) So until anything changes, I'm alone there just doing the best I can, Spark Friend comments in my ear pushing me on. (Which is why I love the support, no matter what I said in Confession #1.)

See Confession #5 for more on why I feel "lonely" at times.
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Confession #3:
It took a long time for me to start taking credit for my own weight problems, but I still honestly believe that some of that blame should be shared. I went from a tiny little thing before the age of four to the fatty by age five. (My mother tells me that people used to ask her if she ever fed me because I was so skinny. She said I was more interested in playing than I was in food. Food, back then, was only used as fuel to sustain my childhood energy. --Oh how I wish I could've held onto that habit!!) The only thing that changed? My father came home...from prison. My father was...hrm, how do I put this nicely?...a big jerk. He believed me to be the reason for all of his problems most days, and while he treated my older sister like she was his pride and joy, I was the girl he wanted to hide (bury?) in the basement. I always got the distinct feeling growing up that life for my parents and sister would improve 100-fold if I simply did not exist.

ACK! I'm not going for the sympathy vote here, I'm just trying to explain. I remember very little from my childhood -- VERY, VERY little!, and no one really knows why -- but I remember that meals were to be finished. Clean platers club was 100% necessary because we didn't have the money for food to begin with and me, the little brat, was not going to waste what we did have. I distinctly remember being about 16 years old (after my father was finally kicked out of the house) and sitting at the dinner table staring at my plate, anxious and nervous because I was full and there was still more left on my plate to be cleared... and my mother looks over and says to me, "Esther, you don't have to eat it if you don't want it." At 16 years old I was finally given permission to stop when I was full, but the damage was done. Bad eating habits were learned and I stuck with them. I still have trouble leaving food on my plate (I had this problem just last night until Hubs offered to finish it for me...and I thanked him for finishing my food so I wouldn't. How sad is that?)

I know a big part of this is me, but a bigger part (and the hardest part to fess up to, because people don't like to hear that someone else is to blame for a problem like this) is that I was taught these behaviors and I have to take the time to unlearn them. This is a big reason why I'm so big on our boys learning to feed themselves properly, learning to stop when they're full and learning that we can save the rest for later and still not be wasteful. They say that children are born with this instinct to eat right, and as parents we have to let them develop it. Is it any wonder that my metabolism is shot to hell and I have so many issues with food?
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Confession #4:
I'm very nervous about losing weight. I have never been skinny (okay, when I was 4, but seriously, I don't remember it AT ALL!) and I don't know what it feels like. I imagine it's wonderful, but I have no idea. I have asked my husband more than a dozen times on random occassions, "What does it feel like to be skinny?" and he has no idea how to answer the question because he doesn't understand what it feels like to NOT be skinny.

And sometimes I mourn the little girl that never got to learn what it was like to be treated nicely in school. Sometime I mourn the little girl that felt left out and stepped on everywhere, even at home. My mom is my rock, but she couldn't stop my father's anger, so I was rarely treated as anything even remotely special, except in still quiet moments with my mom away from everyone.

So while I'm so glad to be losing the weight, and I DO want to know what it's like to walk in a store and buy jeans off the rack, I'm scared that it will never happen...and I'm scared that it will. I don't know what skinny feels like. And I don't know if my body will EVER look acceptable because I have spent my entire life stretching skin that will likely never go back - EVER. That seems a little sad to me, knowing that I can never strut around in a bikini. So, yes, I'm scared to be skinny sometimes.
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Confession #5:
This is for all my really big girls out there, EDIT: or for any of you that have ever felt this way...

First of all, I know you might feel like nobody really understands what it's like to be you. There are people out there, but sometimes it feels like they are few and far between. (Of course, it could be just me.)

Pro - We can work less on exercise and fitness and lose more. Because our weight is so high, burning calories comes easy and quickly because it takes our bodies SO MUCH just to move. So we can start out super small and get away with it.

Con - We have to lose a lot more weight to have our efforts noticed by those around us. Generally they say that for those carrying a considerable amount of extra weight, you will have to lose 30 pounds before anyone starts to notice. By 40 we really start getting attention for it. So while skinnier girls can rock a 10 pound weight loss and get stares and smiles from admirers around them, we have to fight a little more to get the recognition.

Con - We face every day the fact that we have SO MUCH MORE to lose than most of you. I cannot tell you how many days I sit here wishing I was "only" 280 pounds. (I know that sounds rediculous, but it's how I think sometimes.) When I joined Spark I refused to put in my actual goal weight in my ticker. Why? Because it seemed so daunting. I came in at 416.2, and my goal would be about 160. For those keeping track, that's a weight loss of 256 pounds! That's not just losing a person, that's losing a fat person, or two skinny chicks. So please understand when we our energy or motivation falls, that 9 times out of 10, it's because we realize in our hearts that the number we need to lose is so huge...and it's really hard to ever imagine us losing that much weight. Even in magazines we read of people who brag, "I lost over 100 pounds!" but I rarely see one (in fact, I'm not sure I ever have) that says, "I lost 250 pounds!" If you want to get really picky, if I EVER get to 160, I will have lost a total of 300 pounds. I have never seen that done by a woman without medical intervention. Daunting. Heavy. Tiring to realize.

Con - When some people start to lose weight, they seem to drop a pant size every month or two. But when you start out really big, dropping pants sizes comes VERY slow (I'm hoping this is just at first). I have been here for 4 months (tomorrow is my 4 month SparkVersary) and am barely down from a 30 to a 28...barely. And the other day I was heart broken when a pair of my new 28s split a rip down the front. (These shorts were "distressed" already, and I would have never bought them if they hadn't been the only size 28 shorts in the store. A word to the wise - do not buy distressed jeans if you're a big girl and/or if they're tight and you're trying to shrink into them.) This whole pants size thing is especially true when you've reached the point to where you're only really buying elastic waist pants. You'll wear these for a WHILE before ever needing a smaller size, it seems.

For the really big girls out there, I'm with you. I understand. My heart yearns for us both/all to feel those same triumps others feel. We may have to work longer and harder for it, and our bodies might look a little different in the end, but just think of what we can say we've accomplished when all is said and done! Talk about taking inspiration and motivation to the next level!
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Alright, so there they are - five confessions of things that have been haunting my mind. Today is an emotional day. I woke up late. I didn't finish my workout last night because hubs called and wanted me home so we could go out to dinner as a family. The scale says I'm back up to 368 (which friggin' blows dude, I hate this crap!). I'm back here at work for another forever-long day. And that stupid 5-miler is tomorrow. The lateness of waking up led me to the McDonald's line for breakfast and will force me to go out and get something for lunch. *sigh* Emotions are running high and I'm trying to deal.

EDITED for misconceptions *I* made. Not afraid to admit I am wrong...and it feels good to know it's not just me.

EDIT #2: Please know that this is not meant to discredit any of you for your weight loss efforts, even if you only have 10 pounds to lose. I know the way is hard for everyone, I just wanted to fess up to the crap cluttering my mind today. I do NOT think your weight loss is anything but extraordinary, because it's all so hard to fight physiology and society. I'm starting to understand that #5 is my biggest misconception...and that more people understand than I've ever been willing to admit. And that's a really important lesson for me to learn, so thank you for your comments on this!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ELISADEL 9/12/2010 1:01AM

    This is one of the more eloquent and thoughtful blogs that I've read here. Thank you for sharing it.

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HOOSIERGIRLINDY 9/10/2010 12:29AM

    Thank you so much for your candor. It's as if you were reading my mind as you wrote this. I started my weight loss journey at 382 pounds. I had weight loss surgery in 2004, yet I still struggle with my weight and have these exact feelings that you have so eloquently put into words. Thank you so much for sharing openly and honestly about all of the scary things that we all struggle with. You helped me feel less alone. Thank you, and keep sparking! You will see that 160 pounds!!!!
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FIERYSPARKED 9/6/2010 3:15PM

    I'm not really sure what to say here...but when I read your blog I really felt like you for a minute. I've never been over 225 lbs., but I still feel a lot of the feelings you are talking about. Being singled out for being overweight is terrible. I HATE not being able to fit into pants at the store. I sometimes hate it when people comment on my weightloss because I want them to kind of forget what I looked like 20 lbs ago. I want that part of me erased from their memory and time itself.
I have a very outgoing personality, but I think I'm compensating for the fact that being overweight in today's society is shameful...so I'm the cool girl...or the outspoken girl...or "so awesome..." as some of my friends might say, but I still feel like what they want to say is "my fat friend."

So thanks for putting all your feelings out there. It makes me feel less crazy. (no offense)

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TIME4ME2010 9/5/2010 7:04AM

    Your words brought tears to my eyes on many levels. First, I completely understand how you are feeling, I started my weight loss journey at 340 pounds and just realize this morning that that means I've lost 145 pounds. You can do it, I always believe in baby steps. When we learned those poor habit we were little, so do little things to unlearn them and practice the new habits. Teaching our kids not to repeat our same issues is a wonderful and proactive goal to helping them live long and healthy lives. Don't fret about the pants sizes either, one day you'll get up and they will all be too big!!

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AFITJULIE 8/18/2010 12:16PM

    Your honest words brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for being so real and willing to share of yourself!
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MARATHONBOUND 8/18/2010 11:06AM

    I just wanted to let you know, I feel everything you've written here. The shaky childhood, the "clean platers" club, the big girl issues with clothing and the all the pros and cons-I totally relate. Thank you for putting this out there, I needed to see someone else is feeling the same way I do. Good luck to you and congrats on your progress so far! Take care

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PENGUITO 8/17/2010 11:24PM

    I feel a bit intimidated about writing a short comment but I'm not a great blogger :-)
I just wanted to let you know how great I think you are and that I believe you can do it.
Keep up the great work, even though there's always going to be tough times for everyone, you'll make it through.
I'm so glad we all got to meet in Wheeling!
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SPUNKYDUCKY 8/17/2010 10:08PM

    Ok, even though I know you are learning to be comfortable with your new "motivator" position, I absolutely have to click the "I like this" button. Do I like that you feel this way. Of course not. Do I get it, I think so, because so much of it feels so familiar to me, but not all of it and I think so many others would benefit from reading this. You have such a beautiful and eloquent way of expressing yourself and being bluntly honest. You have a gift in self insight and in ability to express yourself. I have never seen such long responses from almost every person who has replied and even though I didn't read all of the responses, I know that they say the same thing: that you are wonderful. And wait, who said "motivators" couldn't have bad days? LOL! I could tell you a long story about all the chocolate I ate (at my boss) this week. Completely selfdestructive ScreweverythingIdontcarewhathappens attitude. Luckily the next day I just said oh well, start over. I also think it is ok to lay a little blame where blame belongs. 4 year olds LEARN bad behavior from parents. As adults it is definitely important to recognize our own shortcomings but it is ok, to realize that it is NOT all your fault, the way most of us have always felt. In regards to the gym, I always feel like people are staring, or saying great job atta girl because they feel sorry for me, or are laughing at me. Deep down, I think most people feel this way about something in their life. I exercised with someone other than my husband for the first time this weekend and only after making her promise not to laugh at my panting. And you know what, she panted too. Is the task in front of you a long one, a daunting one. Absolutely. Can you do it. Yeah, I believe you can, even better, I think you believe you can. Never be afraid to put up the positive and the negative about this journey. What you are experiencing is real and at times, painful and by writing it you help others realize that what they feel is normal (even if it is painful). Every day, we go a little further and changing the inside is more important and harder than the outside.

Comment edited on: 8/17/2010 10:09:49 PM

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ATROTTIER 8/17/2010 5:25PM

    My dear, you are speaking from my heart! This journey sure is a blessing yet a bi*%h too at the same time, isn't it??? It's like we finally decided to make a long term decision on becoming healthy and therefore during it all the emotional baggage starts to wander out and face you while you are trying to get away from it! I hate it too, and it totally sucks! So, that being said I know how hard it is to take responsiblity for the accumulated weight gain and YES I do hold some blame to my crappy upbringing too but at the end of the day I have to face the mirror and decide that it was my past and now is the present and every decision I make is going to affect not only my future but the future of the children I want to have soon or my husband and wow, that is tough - responsibilty can really bite! I'm serious, I'm not trying to make it funny - this is really hard.

I just want you to know that you are not alone, and I know you know that but really know that you are a strong woman and you are not stopping without a fight, that is what I can tell and it sounds like your hubby and kiddies are all there for you, now that truly is precious! WE don't expect you to be perfect! It's just not normal - I've been on a 3 month plateau and I want to scream the fact that I'M NOT PERFECT and that I don't know what to do but I keep going and everyday I'm learning something new from my spark friends that it's not the finish line yet but over a couple more hills we will have our finish line and that day will be more glorious then whatever a "skinny person" can ever try to explain about what it feels like because what its going to feel like for us will exceed whatever feelings that they already have in their skinny bodies because we are accomplishing goals that are huge and that deserve some respect! Ok I could go on and on - really wish you lived on the west coast so we could buddy exercise at the gym, next time you are there, pretend the skinny chick next to you is me and I'm yelling " Go Esther go"!!!! emoticon emoticon

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TEAM-SARAH 8/17/2010 5:16PM

    The outpouring of supportive comments you are receiving is seriously a testament to the wonderful nature of this community! We are NOT just fake accepting you to be PC (at least I know I am not!!) You are an amazing intelligent person who just had a hard life. That manifests itself in different ways for different people. For you, it is weight and you carry that with you every day. You are strong though and your strength and courage impress me. You are one of the most inspiring people I've come across on this site PERIOD. I am so lucky to have you as a sparkfriend. You're a wonderful writer, and even in those bad days you still find the positivity.

Also... pants size. Let's discuss for a second how I've lost 80 pounds and gone from an 18 to a 12. I think some of us just dont drop the sizes as quickly... a lot of it is bone structure and how the weight is carried and all. Don't get down about sizes!! Just be thankful you don't have to spend as much on clothes all the time (that's how I try to look at it when I get frustrated that people who are larger than me get to wear smaller sizes haha)

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SFGRUNNER 8/17/2010 4:29PM

    Esther, I just want to hug you. I wish I could get married again just to ask you to be in the wedding!

I'm not as big as you (I'm currently at 231, started at 236 2 weeks ago) but I can relate in my own way to many of the things you wrote. Obviously, I don't understand it all the way you do, but I do in some ways.

Being fat is really isolating. It's filled with shame. It makes ME want to be invisible, yet my feelings get hurt when I seem to actually BE invisible. It's a dichotomy.

The thing I most want to say to you is this: you're amazing. You're an inspiration to me and lots of other people, and that's only more true BECAUSE you have days when you aren't always full of butterflies and rainbows. If you were, you'd be full of poop and would just annoy us! Seriously, thank you for sharing so honestly, for being so encouraging, and for being here.

One day at a time, one bite at a time, you're getting there. NEVER GIVE UP!

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KITHKINCAID 8/17/2010 3:28PM

    Esther - the extra attention is coming because you absolutely deserve it. It is BECAUSE you are not perfect and you struggle. None of us are here because we want to see how perfect people lose weight. Commiserating with each other makes us feel like we are not alone - and I truly believe that that is why Spark works while other programs do not. I am truly thankful that I found your page. You have said so much just in this one blog that I can relate to, that plugs my brain most days, and that I just want to reach out and hug you for. I also have a LONG way to go - I may be one of the 280 pounders right now, but I'm 5'2" and wanted to punch my nutritionist in the face when she told me my goal weight should be 115. Seriously? My personal goal is 135 - and even that seems completely unimaginable to me, so to add another 20 pound loss to that just discouraged me so much that I almost ran to Burger King right then and there. But reading blogs like yours and others prevented that trip to BK, and subsequent trips since. I am lonely too. Very lonely. It also comes from a past fraught with unhealthy relationships to food. I was lucky in that my parents are both wonderful and I have a very loving family - but that does not leave them without blame - no one faults you or me for being angry with your family. It's not all your fault. You've admitted the part of it that is, and just being here is admission and acceptance of that blame - but other people DID contribute to your relationships with food, so you're allowed to blame them too! I too am TERRIFIED about losing weight. Same story - never been small. No idea what it feels like. But I do know what it feels like to be 35 pounds heavier, and all I know is that I don't want to go back there. One step at a time. We're here and we're doing this - but we're each doing it at our own speed, and that's a beautiful thing. Thank you for your blog and for being you - because that's all you can be and that's what we all love.

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 8/17/2010 3:20PM

    I love your honesty. It's really hard to think these things, let alone write them down for all to see. This journey is hard enough without all that "stuff" in your head. And you're right... a lot, if not most, of us have versions of this in our heads as well. I can't imagine how hard it is to be put in the spot light, so to speak, of being "SP motivator" or all of a sudden having all these friends looking up to you for motivation and support and guidance, or what ever. You're not perfect and we're not perfect. I fully expect someone going through all of this to have those days where "I don't want to" seems to be their mantra... gaining a few pounds, not logging onto sp for a week. These are things that make us all human. We're all here for the same reason and I think that's why people reach out to those that have "been there, done that." 100lbs is a huge accomplishment, regardless of how much more you want to lose. You're an amazing person for sharing with other sparkies... you photos, your blogs, your life. We love and respect you. Know that we're all here and support you and all of your feelings.
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SURCH1 8/17/2010 3:13PM

    WOW! I can totally relate to where you are coming from!!! I have to share my original fears with the gym a year ago... I was taking a boot camp and kept thinking that everyone was looking at me saying "What is that fat chick doing?? "Why does she think she can compete the class with all those other skinny people?" And then after doing the hour long training session from h*ll I realized that they weren't thinking that at all. As I looked at their eyes and expressions it was more of an admiration that they had for me. Because they weren't strong enough or confident enough in themselves to do what I was doing. Plus I did have a few people, from the class, (the skinny girls) tell me how well I was doing. And my trainer said she had people come up to her after the class to compliment me. You have to remember that you are there to make yourself better! You CANNOT worry about what others are thinking. You pay your membership just like them and you have as much of a right as they do to be in there!!! I see myself working harder now, a year later and almost 60 lbs lighter, when the gym is busy. I am proving to myself (and sometimes to them) that I can do it and I do deserve to be there.

You are allowed to feel you disappointments... we all do... but just remember to get back up! You are amazing!!! I could touch on each of your confessions and misconceptions, but I won't... Just know that you are NOT alone... and by me reading your blog today, I was able to realize that I am not alone either!

You are strong & you deserve to be the skinny friend!! (So do I, for that matter - lol) I was just telling a friend a few weeks ago about how I was scared to be skinny... so I'm glad to know we can go through this together! We don't live too far apart - maybe sometime we could meet up at Hocking Hills and go for a walk!

Hang in there girl!!!! emoticon emoticon

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RUNNINGNP2B 8/17/2010 3:00PM

    It's tough this biznass of weight loss, no matter the starting weight. It's a decision to change our comfort zone to absolutely no comfort zone, and making the daily right decisions. I commend anyone who can do this and not go insane.

You, my sweet friend, are awesome. Here are some reasons:

1. You crack us all up on the boards.
2. You rally around those who need a pick me up on a daily basis, which is greatly appreciated.
3. You have had great success! Yes, you've been on Spark for 4 months. It ain't easy, and would you like to see bigger number drops, sure, who wouldn't? But if you hadn't started at all, where would you be now? Same weight as 4 months ago, if not more. Take pride in all you're doing girl, it's all coming off.
4. We all have our own misconceptions about ourselves due to our body weight, the looks we get in the gym, the way our clothes get tight or loose...but rarely do we open a blog about it to share with others. Because you discussed this you have challenged others to do the same with their misconceptions. You make people think and question, which has an impact on their lives. Not many people can say or do that. Only ones who are secure with themselves.
5. I lob you and that is all.

You are amazing. Never forget that.

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CHICAT63 8/17/2010 2:35PM

    It is weird that you posted this blog, in the last week and weekend I sorta felt the same way.

Confession #1: Oh, Sista you are not alone. You are not perfect, I am not perfect, no one is perfect. We are here for all different reasons. You are entitled to a bad day, hey, my husband sometimes says I have a bad week ! Do not let all this attention get to you. We love ya !


Confession #2: Again Sista I can so relate, I have always been the fat friend. I have never been a bridesmaid to my skinny friends. I have an identical twin sister who at one point weighed 150 pounds less than me – yep a whole other person! At our Grandmother’s funeral my Grandaunt “Oh, Josée she is the really Fat Twin over there.” Nowadays, there is a weight difference more or less 40 pounds but I do not care anymore.

The Gym, I have always been the big girl at the gym. Funny though, I can run non-stop for 35 minutes, I can leg press 280 pounds. Who frigging cares you are there for YOU and in the long run you will be healthier than most. What is the most important is that you are doing something for your health & wellness now get'out of my way my Sista is comin'to train. Do not use the word exercise, you train and you train hard !

As for men losing weight, very frustrating I know they decide: “Oh, I am going to cut this out, drink more water, etc. “and voilà they lose 5 to 7 pounds a week. Enough said.

Confession #4:

Hear ye, hear ye. I have been overweight since I was 9 years old. Never know a healthy BMI even after I lose 100 pounds still will be considered obese. Started out at 252 and now 182, I would have to get down to 126 to be considered a healthy BMI will I get there nope not without surgery and it is not an option. I was never chosen in school sports, I have had my share of being used. You are not alone but together we can do this.

Confession #5:

I might not weigh 300 pounds, at my heaviest I was 287, which is pretty close to 300, and I am barely 5 feet tall. I started out on Sparks at 252; people only started noticing after I had lost 50 pounds. Hence, also my smaller twin, at family gatherings she would lose 5 pounds and my family would comment how hard she worked, or how great she looked. At this past Easter no one in my extended family said anything which we seldom see.

One thing I realized on this journey, is not to compare myself with others as it can hinder your progress. No one person can lose the same, i.e. the men in our life *lol*. We tend to compare each other but no two people are the same, not even my twin & I.Just last night I tried on a skirt that I wore when I met my husband five years ago thinking Oh, I have lost 69.5 pounds I will float in it.....nope the hips are still snug, my tush area also. Nonetheless, the waist and stomach is much too loose.

As others have said you can do this, and I will look forward of reading your article one day or your success stories because Sista if you go through some pages here on Sparks some members have lost over 200 pounds without surgery.

Keep on Sparkin' Sista ! Josée
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MERAINA 8/17/2010 2:28PM

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Awesome!

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BOGUSANNIE 8/17/2010 2:15PM

    Great read...thanks for sharing...

Can I tell you a secret?

I have only been the 'fat' friend for about 5 years or so, perhaps less...I have never broke 200 lbs (198) ...and that was at my highest...typically I was always 110 lbs...for a very long time...

I want you to know something, as a skinny person...everything you feel today...I have felt my ENTIRE life...and I was skinny...the pressure to be skinny...I never had a good childhood either, I was too skinny at some points in my life...all of the loneliness, the pressure the eating issues...it still exists as a skinny person....the truth is...what you feel, isn't JUST because of your weight...it's because of your upbringing...weight is simply your symptom...as it is mine...two extremes the same cause.

It's not always greater on the other side...same S&^T, different pile...the feelings are all the same...

Be strong Sweety...it's a rough battle, but one well worth fighting...and I think we don't hear about 300lb losses, because I think at that point, people just aren't as willing to change as you are...people simply give up.

So one day, you'll be on the cover of Woman's Health or Woman's Day or something...telling us all YOUR story...I can't wait to read it!

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LOOKY-LOU 8/17/2010 1:52PM

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ADVENTURE-GIRL 8/17/2010 12:47PM

    This is wonderfully written and I am so glad that you got these feelings out. I am sure just writing it will be make you stronger. I think this is going to help a lot of people who feel the same way. I know I can relate. I bet that weight gain is temporary (maybe water weight?). Just keep doing what your doing and it will be gone in no time.
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DLEE27 8/17/2010 12:32PM

    Hey sugar,

Firstly, I am your friend because you are hilarious, smart, kind, honest, interesting, and a great friend to me. I'd be your friend in the world outside of Spark too if I could because you are a genuinely awesome person!
Secondly, losing 300 pounds does sound like a big job. And you're right, we don't hear about that happening all that often. And I imagine that it would be an extremely daunting goal to try to undertake. But you don't have to lose 300 pounds. You just have to lose 1 pound, 300 times. That's not impossible at all. If 300 sounds like way too much, just worry about the next 50, or 20, or whatever. A pound is a pound. Whether it was the 3rd, 30th, or 300th.
Lastly, big hugs! I'm sorry that you're having a sad day and I wish that we could make you feel better because we love ya!!!!

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-JENSSPARK- 8/17/2010 12:29PM

    Very well said. I get everything you are saying in here. I wish things were different and I was reading this as someone that doesn't get it, but unfortunately, I do. Thanks for saying the things that we're all thinking. Great blog once again!

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YOOVIE 8/17/2010 12:25PM

    1. "I just want you all to understand that I love the love you've shown me, but I hope you realize that I am in no way perfect." They won't listen to you.

2. Why do you think you have the market cornered on being the fat friend? we are all the fat friends. You don't get to keep that title for youself.

3. at least a metabolism is easier to fix than a wounded heart- and there's like... science involved. Sorry- I'm no good at the love stuff.

4. me too girlfriend. I feel naked all the time. But something fun that doesn't matter if you are in a bikini or a parka? squeezing through small places. OMG sometimes I just want to run back and forth behind the boxes inteh warehouse.

Also- the best thing is feeling light on your feet. You'll find yourself skipping up on to curbs, the last couple stairs, or taking them two at a time. Gravity seems to be less important. Hang on to that lovely thought instead of the never wear a bikini thought.

5. losing 10% of your body weight is hard, no matter wha tyou weigh. sigh....

well! let's get to it!

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LUCYSUNFLOWER 8/17/2010 12:11PM

    You are so amazing - I may not share your weight and your goals, but so much of what you have inside is similar to what's inside me too. I suspect we all feel lonely and isolated from the rest of the world at times and some more than others.

I have been the family oddball forever, and even though they need me, they also need to define me as odd. That gave a child a very bad message. I also don't remember my childhood. I have bits and pieces and sometimes something will trigger other memories, but basically it's all a blank. A therapist worked with me a long time on current issues and told me that it was unlikely anything bad happened to me. He said I probably had a very gray childhood - each day much like the other and saddled under emotional responsibility and anxiety far too heavy for a little girl.

This healthy journey we are on cannot help but raise old issues - some of those issues are settled around our thighs, middles and butt cheeks!! We can do this - YOU are doing this. It might not feel good all the time and, ohholycrow, you're NOT doing it perfectly (thank you!), but YOU ARE DOING THIS. Keep at it for you. Your self-honesty has made me feel less lonely.

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SML1122 8/17/2010 11:34AM

    thank you for your honesty.

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HEALTHYASHLEY 8/17/2010 11:25AM

    When I started to get tons of attention I felt the SAME way. I got over a thousand emails in 1 week and all the sudden people are telling me how they look up to me and I even stopped checking my email because it was so overwhelming. I appreciated that people identify with me but it was a ton of pressure and I really haven't blogged much in the last week just because I am afraid to disappoint anyone. I realized that I just keep needing to do things the way I was before and do this for myself. I totally understand what you are going through right now. It is ok, it is ok to not be perfect. None of us are. Hugs

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RAVENSONG37 8/17/2010 11:15AM

    First of all, I am hugging you. Right now...squeeeeeeeze. Feel it?

Confession 1: You are the only one who matters in this whole world. You are motivational not because you are perfect, but because you are real. Because you sweat and cry and eat garbage and split your pants and walk 5kms and make hilarious comments about gardening and you feed your kids. You're on the journey with us. That's why we want to be your friend, why we read your blogs, why we nominate you as a motivator. If you can box and do zumba, and work your 2 jobs and love your family then dang it, I can get off the couch!

Confession 2: I get loneliness. Different reasons, but I get it. I'm always surprised when people like me. I'm learning tho, that absolutley nothing that comes from anyone else has anything to do with me, whether it's a jab, a compliment, a stare or a high five...it's all about the person who's doing it. (I'll be writing a blog about this soon...) The other thing I wanna say about this is...when you get stared at you tell yourself the story about what's going on in the other person's mind. Why not imagine that they are envious of your gorgeous hair, or think it's so effing cool that you are sweatin your booty off, or that they want to tell you how proud they are of you but don't wanna embarass you. You'll never know what they are actually thinking, so why not make it a fun game...like make those conversation bubbles over their heads! ie: "Ohh, that girl is fiiiiine! Is that natural?"

Confession 3: Craptastic stuff has happened to you. That blows, cuz you are amazing and totally don't deserve it. But it happened. You learned to believe terrible things about yourself and picked up some unhealthy habits along the way. But, what keeps you trapped there today? You can do anything you want to do. You can stay up as late as you want, watch whatever you want on t.v., eat anything you choose (Let me tell you how excited I was when I figured out I could buy any type of cereal I wanted at the store...when I was like 21!), you can wash your laundry and clean the toilet...or not! You alone keep your habits and behaviours going. I know I know, not that simple, right? But what if it IS that simple?

Confession 4: I feel ya. I'm nervous too. That what ifs, that I think you have read in my blogs are painful stumbling blocks for me. But you know what, I'm willing to take that chance cuz I know that how I feel know is hella better than how I felt then. I have stretch marks and extra skin and mushy spots...but I'd take those over painful, swollen, weak spots any day. Take it one step at a time and you never know how your bod will respond. Maybe you won't have that much extra skin, or maybe you'll have a way to get rid of some of it...you never know. You can mourn that little girl, but taking care of her, or focussing on her keeps you from loving the beautiful woman you are now. Give yourself the space and time to attend to her, but make sure you aren't neglecting that amazing chick inside of you today. AND, you will only never buy stuff off the rack if that's what you want. There is NO REASON...hear me, NO REASON why you will not succeed in anything.

Confession 5: I don't know what it's like to be over 300 pounds. I do know what it's like to wear a size 24. I don't know what it's like to lose over 100 pounds. I do know what it's like to be overwhelmed by "how much I have to lose". I guess what I'm saying is that the mental garbage is very similar in my mind as yours(...from all the telepathy I have coming from you ;)). Yes, the numbers are different but the self-talk, the insecurities, sound the same to me. My worst pain is the same as your worst pain. I'm curious if some of this talk is that mental garbage isolating you from your biggest fans: telling you lies about how no one understands you and how impossible your goals are. Babe...you can lose 300 pounds. Crap, you already lost so much. Take it one pound, one day at a time tho...of course you are overwhelmed by 200 pounds...I'm overwhelmed by 30. But you know what, you gotta lose 1 pound to lose 100 pounds.

Whatever you do Esther, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Put one bite in your mouth at a time. You are so loved...you can borrow some of my love and admiration of you for now if you want...I won't run low any time soon. Lastly, I'll leave you with a blurb from The Four Agreements by Ruiz. Take it or leave it.

"Everything we do is based on agreements we have made - agreements with ourselves, with other people, with God, with life. But the most important agreements are the ones we make with ourselves. In these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, how to behave, what is possible, what is impossible. One single agreement is not such a problem, but we have many agreements that come from fear, deplete our energy, and diminish our self-worth."

"In these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, how to behave, what is possible, what is impossible."


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KNOWMOREBBK 8/17/2010 11:03AM

    Yep... It's an emotional day. This was a really raw post, and that is what makes you an incredible motivator. I too can not remember much of my childhood. It's kind of weird isn't it? My family will bring up stories that start with, "Remember when you did that.." and I never remember. The funny thing is, I have a great memory otherwise. I think it's like when people are in shock. Maybe I was in shock for most of my childhood. Regardless, your childhood has given you the strength you have today. It is this strength that gives you the determination to push forward. You are not perfect Esther. You will fall off the track occasionally. But you are smart. I'll take smart over perfect any day of the week and twice on Sunday. You were smart enough to know when enough was enough. One day, in the not too far distant future, you will be able to say I lost 300 lbs. You will tell people that you did it one day at a time and one pound at a time.

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FLWRCHLD97 8/17/2010 10:49AM

    wow, i feel for you. i am sorry you feel you have pressure, your blogs do inspire and help others. and, for the record, i don't think you need to be perfect :-) i feel like i can relate to your story and struggles - because it's real (and because it's similar to my own life in ways). it's more real to me than reading about how i need to lose weight from someone who hasn't struggled with their weight since childhood (i too used to be skinny, in kindergarten!). i enjoy reading your blog...thank you for being honest and open with your life story

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HEATHER_TEACHAH 8/17/2010 10:41AM

    its so great that you got all of this out!! I am so proud of you for being honest and open (and not just w/ AB but all of spark!!)

I understand a lot of the things you are going through. I think that these thoughts/mental-blocks affect us no matter how much we have to lose... :)

way to go, Calorie Killa!! :)

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SASSAGAIN 8/17/2010 10:38AM

    Esther, Super liked this! I think all of Spark needs to read this, not for the attention, but for the awareness of it.

((HUGS)) sweetie

this was a lot to write about I'm proud of you.

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MAGPIE17 8/17/2010 10:35AM

    Hugs, Esther! I still think you're doing wonderfully, and we can see the effort you're putting into everything! Don't worry too much about the scale being unkind for a day (I'd say don't worry, period, but we all know that's never going to happen for any of us!). I hope today gets better soon!

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DAVISMDAWN 8/17/2010 10:33AM

    Amen Girl! I feel all of the above plus some of my own little demons. I started at 305 and it is all so surreal when I tell people I've lost 47lbs and they are so excited and wowed by it all. I see myself and say it still isn't near enough and I have a long way to go. I have a goal to lose only 1 person unlike your self wanting to lose 2 whole people. I want you to keep on moving and tracking. You are a beautiful person with supportive family and try to block out the rest on the outside.

We are all allowed bad days but the difference now is that we don't let it guide us off track forever. Tomorrow we jump right back on the me train and go for it!

Love your inspiration and motivation

Dawn

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SUGIRL06 8/17/2010 10:25AM

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Thanks for sharing this with us! That is a lot to carry around with you and I hope writing it all out helps. I'm always here for you! My SP friends are just as important as any friend I have met in person to me! I'm glad to have you as one of them!! I hope your day gets better!
~Ang

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COMPASSLOST1 8/17/2010 10:18AM

    I think no matter what weight you start it, it is still an incredibly daunting task to lose weight. I started at 275 and I am at 210 now. I still feel like I am at 275 sometimes.After losing 65 pounds, I am STILL the biggest one in my family, STILL the biggest out of all of my friends, and it really is hard and frustrating. Just know that even though people aren't noticing every single pound, those pounds are STILL worth it. You are worth it. Never, ever, EVER give up, because you would only be giving up on yourself. I've stopped focusing so much on the overall goal and am just going to see where I feel happy with me. I've never been under 200 pounds, so once I get there, I am going to embrace it with open arms. You can do it, even if it takes you long than other people. I've been at a plateau for 4 months, but still haven't given up! Just think... you could be the "I lost 250 Pounds!" inspirational story that changes someone's life...

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SHELLYC2010 8/17/2010 10:14AM

    You are a motavior because you are not perfect. Because even thought you gained 8lbs your still here! Because people like me who think I can't do that at my size I'll do it when i'm ____ (choose your number) see some one like you do it makes us believe we can too. We all see in others the strengths we would like to see in ourselves and pray that we can find it within ourselves. I share your same hope and fear about getting skinny. I have worn Edweina for so long that she has become a very comfortable suit. Regardless of the comments from others, the things that I can't do, the places I can't go because of Edweina. Hang in there girl! You'll get there!!

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CAROLINAMUSED 8/17/2010 10:14AM

    This is a truly great post you've written. Your honesty, I hope, is healing for you - for that loss and pain you've felt and still react to.

In my life - I was the skinny kid in a fat family. I tried to gain weight to fit in but was still rejected by my mother. I saw at close quarters the pain of being obese; from my mother, who was addicted to prescribed weight loss pills (speed), to my older sister, who became diabetic and sustained heart damage from phen-fen, knowing it could cause damage, to my younger sister, who has fought clinical depression all her life, and has had bariatric surgery.

It is important for others to know what your experience has been. You're right, there is tremendous negative bias around obesity, and especially against extreme obesity. Seems to me that like anything else, understanding can only help. Your courage is so appreciated. I have to say that part of that perception of courage is BECAUSE you have moments of perceived failure, roadblocks, and despair - and you continue. You have not been praised for perfection, but for your humanness and your persistence... for working hard to transcend... Doing so is the high-water mark of human existence. You deserve the praise, if you will just believe it.

Carol

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CREATINGAMANDA 8/17/2010 10:13AM

    Confessions #1-4 ... I'm right there with you. Confession #5 ... I don't know what it feels like to be you. However we all have our own struggles with our bodies, plus all of the emotional baggage that comes with it. I think you're amazing!

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HEAVENSSHADOW 8/17/2010 10:11AM

    *hug*
I may not be a really big girl, but I understand the clean-plate club, and commiserate with you about being lonely, especially at home with the boy.
He munches all the time and has gained weight from it, but his ego is so much better than mine and I hate having to watch him wolf down anything he please while I chomp on my celer sticks. The fitness aspect is a lonely one....he used to be in football and heavy weight lifting, so since he's started going to the gym with me, his muscles memory has started to bounce back into place. I've never HAD muscle memory.

So, I understand. The road we walk is long and lonely, because it's our journey and no one else's. But it's nice to find people that celebrate that journey with us on our way to success. We're here with you, girlfriend. Rock your weightloss and whatever you do, DON'T GIVE UP!
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CAROLINAMUSED 8/17/2010 10:09AM

    This is a truly great post you've written. Your honesty, I hope, is healing for you - for that loss and pain you've felt and still react to.

In my life - I was the skinny kid in a fat family. I tried to gain weight to fit in but was still rejected by my mother. I saw at close quarters the pain of being obese; from my mother, who was addicted to prescribed weight loss pills (speed), to my older sister, who became diabetic and sustained heart damage from phen-fen, knowing it could cause damage, to my younger sister, who has fought clinical depression all her life, and has had bariatric surgery.

It is important for others to know what your experience has been. You're right, there is tremendous negative bias around obesity, and especially against extreme obesity. Seems to me that like anything else, understanding can only help. Your courage is so appreciated. I have to say that part of that perception of courage is BECAUSE you have moments of perceived failure, roadblocks, and despair - and you continue. You have not been praised for perfection, but for your humanness and your persistence... for working hard to transcend... Doing so is the high-water mark of human existence. You deserve the praise, if you will just believe it.

Carol

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CALLIKIA 8/17/2010 10:04AM

    NYO - thank you for the perspective. I didn't mean to offend (if that's even the word you were going for)...I guess I just felt like it was just me. I spend so much time looking at pages where people are like - Lost 10 pounds! I rock! Everyone says I look great! That it's been getting to me. It helps to know it's not just me, and that I'm looking at it all wrong. I honestly (from the depths, girl) appreciate you setting me straight.

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MSBLT82 8/17/2010 10:03AM

    I hope you feel a bit better having blogged about it. :)

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KARVY09 8/17/2010 9:58AM

    We all have these days, hun. I hope that getting all of that out helped you and that your spirits are lifted throughout the day. Your AB and Spark gals are with you, and even if we don't understand what it was like to be 400 lbs or what it's like to be Esther.

You're an amazing woman and just because you motivate us, doesn't mean you can't have your emotional moments too.
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NEWYORKORCHIDS 8/17/2010 9:56AM

  Confession #1: When you live your life under a microscope, everything is magnified, including your feelings. The key is to block it out. And it's difficult and you feel all sorts of pressure, but you're usually the one putting the most pressure on yourself.

Confession #2: I'm not friends with anyone I don't want to be friends with - fat or not. I don't see things like weight or color or sexual preference. I see personality and I see heart - and that's what I judge my friends on.

Confession #3: My husband's family was Clean Plate Club members - that's how he got up to 300-350. My father was a Clean Plate Dictator - and if you didn't eat it all for dinner (after 12 am was quitting time), then you ate it for breakfast, if you didn't eat it for breakfast...well, you get the idea.

Confession #4: I'm scared that I'll never be skinny enough. I'm terrified that I might become obsessed with losing weight and not be able to stop.

Confession #5: I'll be honest and say that I find this one a bit...offensive's not the right word, but it doesn't really sit well with me. I realize that you have a bunch more weight to lose than me, and that it's going to take you longer which will include more time to second guess yourself and question yourself, but I wanted to clear a few things up about my body.

I started out at 221 and I was a size 18. I now weigh 180-something and I'm only a size 16. That's one pant size in thirty-ish pounds.

Also - no one, and I do mean no one has recognized that I have lost weight. That's not completely true - no one that I haven't told (and I haven't told many) has recognized that I've lost weight. I don't know if it's because I'm wearing the same clothes or because people at work see me every day and can't discern between yesterday and today or because it just doesn't look like I have - but, yes, it's frustrating.

And from my husband, who was once one of us, skinny is: "...it's the best feeling in the world when someone looks at you and you know it's not because you're fat. You know it's for some reason, any other reason besides that. Even a booger hanging out of your nose or your fly being down is better than being stared at because you're a fatty. It's a common stare - it's a stare that everyone would get - not just the State Marshmallow Puff Man."

Big hugs Calorie Killa.

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The 5-Miler That Wasn't

Monday, August 16, 2010

So even though I blogged and had every intention of squeezing out that 5 mile training walk this weekend, it simply didn't happen. Maybe it was fear. Maybe it was lack of motivation. Maybe it was being sick or TOM or the sun. Whatever it was, it just didn't happen.

Friday was great. I packed up my youngest and took him with me to the gym (they have a playroom for the kids so the parents can get some workout time in). He got a chance to see me box and walk the indoor track, but it was a one time deal considering the rules of the gym state that until he's 10 he has to stay in that playroom the whole time, except for potty breaks. I did 30 minutes on the stationary bike (and wowie! my hips were hurting after!) and then got in 15 minutes of boxing (getting faster on the speedbag) followed by a full round of ST, including an extra machine - the seated bench press.

Saturday is where is all started falling apart. First of all, let me tell you that waking up at 6am is not my idea of a good time on a Saturday. But we got up and got everyone ready and headed to Mineral Wells/Parkersburg for the football scrimmage. Ethan somehow got taken off his defensive spot (no clue why) and was only on offense as a left or right guard. In 4 hours I got to see my boy play probably 15 minutes (in 3 five-minute increments). It was quite...well, annoying. I spent much of the time avoiding the sun, which started out alright when we planted ourselves next to two of those canopy things. In the early morning hours this worked out well as the sun was slanted in from the other side and we enjoyed the shade most of the time. But as the time passed and the sun rose higher in the sky, we ended up in full sun. And while I loved the coolness of the heavy breeze blowing in, it made it nearly impossible for us to seek shelter under the umbrella I had. By hour 3 I was starting to feel the effects of the sun, even though I slathered myself in SPF 50 no less than 3 times while we were there, I ended up feeling sick to my stomach in the last 20 minutes or so.

By the time we left the game Ethan was begging for food and instead of pulling out the ingredients of a healthy sandwich (which we had packed and had ourselves enjoyed while watching him), I pulled through the Wendy's drive-thru. (BAD!) I ended up munching on french fries and a small chocolate frosty on the way home (figured out later that my calories were too low that morning and I was starving for some sort of food!). (BAD again!) I got home with only one goal in mind - time in the water at the lake. It wasn't until I sat down to wait for Logan to find his swimming trunks that I realized I was exhausted. But I took them anyhow, because I had promised them this and I knew if we stayed home I wouldn't be active.

Fast forward to another application of sunscreen and another 2 hours in the sun (and water) and by the time I got home I had just enough energy to undress and crash on the bed. Woke up two hours later feeling the effects of what I can only assume was sun poisoning. It really didn't make much sense to me...the sunburn on my shoulders was just a soft pink, barely there at all, but perhaps my already tanned skin masked the visual effects a little. I know this feeling of too much sun, growing up a fair-skinned redhead you learn quickly that sunscreen is your friend and that it doesn't always help.

Sunday I woke up not feeling so hot, but still intent upon getting my 5 miles in...later...when it cooled down a bit. Around noon my oldest and I tried to tackle the garden a bit, but after 30 minutes I got a severe dizzy spell and knew that I needed to lay down. I went inside and stayed dizzy and sick the rest of the day. Everytime I got up I felt like the room was spinning. Half the time I was laying down and closing my eyes it felt like *I* was spinning. It was NOT a good feeling. And I ended up laying on the couch in front of the fan, sweating from the heat and humidity, angry, upset, and confused, and DIZZY! Hubs grabbed some Chinese for dinner, which I proceeded to eat too much of, and then I had a pumpkin white chocolate chunk cookie as we watched movie after movie on the TV until bedtime.

This morning my shoulders still feel like they're on fire. I had horrible dreams last night that kept waking me up and I overslept and missed a little work this morning. I'm trying to push through, but I just feel emotionally and physically drained.

I'm pretty darn good at doing what I'm supposed to do even if it hurts, (I would've never gotten through 3 whole years of FT school + FT work + PT work if I wasn't) but all I keep waiting for is a break. It feels a lot like work right now with this training schedule and I can't wait to go back to it feeling a little more fun. Once this 10k business is over, I'm giving myself some time off from training. I'll still do the 5ks, because I know I can. I'll still walk as much as possible so that I'm prepped for them, but I can't stick to suck a strict schedule all the time. Sometimes, it just has to be fun. Sometimes I just have to have that feeling that the gym is my jewelry box and I can wear whatever I want to make myself feel pretty, sexy, and accomplished.

My five miles didn't happen, but I have another go-round scheduled for Wednesday and I'll get it done somehow. I'm planning on trying to get more sleep this week so that I don't feel so drained in the morning. That's going to be a challenge considering I work until 6pm and don't usually get to the gym until 7pm, but I've got to make it work somehow. It's going to be a go home, eat, shower, bed kinda week. Ethan's first game is on Saturday (thankfully, not until 5pm!) and I can't wait to see him get a little more game time (I hope! They just have SO many players and they're trying to get everyone in...).

I know what you're thinking - I should work out in the morning. Yea, that doesn't usually work for me. I am NOT a morning person and I already get up at 5:30am just to get myself ready to leave the house by 7am for work. (I commute nearly an hour to work...) Maybe I can give this a go again soon, but first I need to focus on that one goal - the 10k. What's more...I need to focus on one part of that goal first - 5 miles. It sounds so daunting and time consuming, and that's part of what is scaring me off. I know in my heart I can do it, I'm just plain scared of it, and angry with it for some reason. Time to focus and make it happen anyway, I'll deal with the rest of it later.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SURCH1 8/17/2010 2:51PM

    It's no fun feeling under the weather. You can do it!!! 5 Miles will seem like nothing before too long!!! Hang in there girl and you'll be breezing through the finish line at the 10K... Keep it up!!!

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TEAM-SARAH 8/16/2010 5:57PM

    I'm sorry that you felt so crappy!! You did what you could though, some days just arent meant for exercise. Those 5 miles are there for you to walk whenever you are ready!

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RAVENSONG37 8/16/2010 4:37PM

    I'm sorry you are feeling so crummy! Take time to heal honey. And this thing about training...it's at your own pace...so if you aren't up for 5 miles yet, do 4.5 or 4. Exercise (even training!) doesn't work if it's a burden. Give yourself permission to take time off training for a bit if you need to...there will always be another 10km walk. Just make sure you are doing something healthy, even if that means sleeping and logging in here. I love you and hope you are feeling better SOON!

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JGOARING 8/16/2010 2:19PM

    Sounds like an exhausting weekend -- don't beat yourself up for missing your run. Your blog sounds so familiar to me! I am training for a Half Marathon and I am just getting a bit tired of it all -- feels like work and the longer runs are torture! I got in my 8.8 miles yesterday but it was supposed to be 9.5 miles and the rest of the day I just felt ouchy and sore and it was hard to sleep last night because I couldn't find a way to be comfortable even with ibuprofen on board... but on the flip side, I feel much better today and I survived it! I will have to tell myself this next time I don't want to go.

I am also not a morning person at all (I work graveyard shift for goodness sakes!) so my ideal workout time is about 10AM... not always ideal for fitting in other things... but it works for me most of the time... I have been known to put it off all day and then I am working my tail off in my dining room (aka workout room) at 8:30pm with the kids all up and bothering me the whole time... BLAH. But my goal is not to miss any scheduled day and I plan for 1 rest day per week (plus one day which I only play indoor soccer int he evening so it feels like a rest day too... :))

Sorry to ramble on -- just thought I'd say you are NOT alone out there... it is hard for everyone, a lot of the time. But totally worth it in the end!!

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 8/16/2010 1:07PM

    Listen to your body it knows best. Sun poisoning can really knock the wind out of your sales (blonde hair blue eyes, I feel you with the sun screen). Do what you can, the best that you can, that's all you can ask from your body. Fast Food happens; you can't be 100% perfect all the time.

You have this 5 miles, I know you can do it.

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HARMONYBLUE 8/16/2010 12:58PM

    I Love, love, love the jewelry box analogy and I would be careful about trading having fun working out and losing weight for a single event (10K). With that said, I think you'll do fine if you are careful of the sun!

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SUGIRL06 8/16/2010 12:44PM

    The sun always makes me tired too! Its best to listen to your body which you did so good job!!! And I hear you about the training! I wish it was over already so I could do whatever I want!!! But at least it keeps me busy. Like this weekend I am super busy AND I have an 11 mile run to do! If I didn't have to do that run, I probably would be "too busy" to work out at all (excuse) so I guess in that way, its a good thing? But there are days where I just wanna do Zumba instead of running! Or something else equally fun. When is your 10K?
~Ang

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SFGRUNNER 8/16/2010 12:36PM

    Yep, too much sun is rough on the body. Glad you listened and took it easy. Hydrate like crazy the next few days and you'll get your energy back!

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CUATROMOMMY 8/16/2010 12:21PM

    Yep, the heat got to you and the best thing for you to do was take it easy. You listened to your body...yay you!!!

Perhaps your fear is what is keeping you resistant to the 10K. I don't know if this will help, but maybe you can be like the little train that could & just keep saying "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can" and give it your best.

Good luck in whatever you do today. You may still need some rest, so don't beat yourself up if that's what you end up doing.

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KARVY09 8/16/2010 12:18PM

    I'm glad you listened to your body and rested!

I like the idea of the gym as a jewelry box. Go have fun! Definitely don't do it out of a feeling of obligation because that's a great way to get sick and tired of it!

Hope you are feeling better today!

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KITHKINCAID 8/16/2010 12:17PM

    Ugh - I hear your sun poisoning pain - it was a rough weekend for that! Thankfully today it has cooled off immensely where I am and I was able to get a run in this morning and actually be cool when I ended it. Sending cooler weather vibes your way for the 5-miler!

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BOGUSANNIE 8/16/2010 11:56AM

    BAD sun girl!!! sun stroke and heat stroke is evil...I know all too well those evils, being fair and red headed myself...well a lot of grey now...but typically red...LOL

I know how you feel, a few weeks ago I was sunburned so badly that I couldn't bend my knees to even run, i missed a few, rescheduled and got back on track...so today is a new day and you keep on moving I tell ya!!!

Now...stay the hell out of the sun!!!
emoticon emoticon

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CHICAT63 8/16/2010 11:35AM

    Sounds like you had a sunstroke & dehydration; not good I know. So you ate some Wendy, psst that's how you grow. You have to fail in some order to pratice being good but then again Bad girls have all the fun *lol*. Don't knock yourself down, days like that happen. Today is an another day, always look forward & not back.

Here to a great week.....Josée

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Comment edited on: 8/16/2010 11:36:00 AM

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Complications

Friday, August 13, 2010

First of all, TOM is here which means I'm cranky and bloated and the scale is being mean...I've decided to ignore it and just pretend like it's any other day/week. Plus, my internal clock woke me up this morning before 7am. I'm praying for a nap sometime today! *lol*

Yesterday - I did go to my Zumba class. We ended up with a sub who worked a 45 minute non-stop class. It was insanely hard!! After I survived it, I went and got on the rowing machine, because I promised myself I would. I set it for the smallest workout again - 2000m - and promised myself 15 minutes, finished or not. I had to take a few breaks (okay, a lot of them), but I finished the 2000m in 14:14.6! Felt good considering last time I couldn't finish and only got 8 minutes in on the same machine. Rowing is hard, and I love it! You work your entire body on this machine and, yet, you don't have to use your feet! (Bonus for the bruise where my blister was, which felt a little sore in Zumba!) Today my hips are SO SORE, as well as my legs and arms being just plain good sore. Fun!

Arriving home I was greeted with the smell of a yummy pot roast recipe in the crock pot. Yum! I ate 2 servings because I was just SOO hungry! (Probably not good, but still within my ranges.) It was the perfect evening until Hubs brought Ethan home from football practice and I learned that we have to be in Parkersburg on Saturday for his scrimmage at 8:30am!

ACK!! I have my 5 mile training walk scheduled for Saturday, and I thought I'd just get up super early in order to get it done before the game. Guess THAT isn't happening. We have to leave the house at 7:30am in order to get there on time, and it will take me at least an hour to make sure everyone and everything is ready. (Have to pack food.)

So I have a decision to make.

A) Do my walk that evening, after it cools down...and pray it actually does cool down.

B) Do the 5 miles today. (This is likely not going to happen. I rowed last night so I could have that day of recovery on my legs beforehand. GRR!)

C) Do it Sunday. (This seems like the most likely plan B, if A doesn't work out. I could technically switch my rest day from Sunday to Saturday, and I only have to do 2 miles on Monday.)

If you'll notice, NOT on this list is to not do it. I love my son and I will not miss his first game, even if it's not a in-season game! I will work around the complication but I cannot give up on my training. The most important thing about this 5 mile training is gauging whether I can attempt the 6.2 of the 10k. If I feel like I can survive 5 miles (with a few more weeks of training) I can go ahead and sign up. I have to sign up by either the 23rd or 25th of August and the only question on my mind right now is -- 5k or 10k? So I will do the training, I just have to work around the complications being put in my way.

It's kinda strange how much easier it gets to overcome the roadblocks along the way. It used to just defeat me, not it's put me into plan mode! Hope it stays that way!!

EDIT: P.S. My baby made first-string offense at the Left Guard position! I'm SO proud!!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MERAINA 8/16/2010 8:53AM

    emoticon

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LINDAKETCHIE 8/15/2010 10:30PM

    Wow! I admire you so much! Will you be walking the 5 or 10K??
I am contemplating trying a 5K, but they say if you can't finish in 60 minutes, not to sign up. I can walk a little and jog a little and finish, but I don't want to sign up if i can't make it in an hour. Thanks for your blogs. You are very inspiring!

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CHANGEDIN09 8/15/2010 8:50AM

    That's why you have been and you will continue to be successful. Not making excuses and getting your workouts in no matter what. Congrats on your progress. Way to go.

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SPUNKYDUCKY 8/14/2010 9:45PM

    Sounds like you are really pushing yourself. Awesome!

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SIMPLYMARICRIS 8/13/2010 11:28PM

    I have no idea what a left guard is - but big CONGRATS to your son! emoticon

But I just am so loving your attitude, and how it proves that when our goals are clear, and our commitment strong, nothing can stop us from our goals - TOM, scheduling conflicts, family events - nothing is too impossible to work around. Flexibility is so key isn't it?

However far you go for your next race, you will either beat your distance or time, so maybe look at it that way - you will prove that you are indeed, a contender.

Cheers Chica,
Maria

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RAVENSONG37 8/13/2010 9:35PM

    No wonder you are the done girl of the day! You got this girl...plans A-C all sound great! GO Ethan!!! Go Esther!!

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JEREMY723 8/13/2010 9:18PM

    Great job trying so hard to fit in your walk around your plans!

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BEATLES34 8/13/2010 8:57PM

    yayy for your son! my little brother just made his football team too!

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BAYBELIEVER 8/13/2010 4:15PM

    Darn, life gets in the way too often! But you are right, it is so nice that we change to where the option isn't not to do it, but when to do it. Great to have that change happen in our lives. I think it is supposed to be cooler this weekend (at least here) so maybe there too?? Hope your training run well whenever you GET IT DONE!

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GRACEFULTURTLES 8/13/2010 3:29PM

    Excellent job working around the challenges!! It gets easier and easier everytime. The important thing is you didn't let it put the brakes on your plan! You are important too!! KEEP IT UP!!

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CHICAT63 8/13/2010 12:52PM

    Woohoo Mama for your son. You can ajust and you will make it happen. Also a suggestion, while your son has football practices those stadium are a total killer workout (cardio and legs). Have a great weekend.

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SUGIRL06 8/13/2010 12:32PM

    You will figure it out! Have a good weekend!
~Ang
PS. I vote for "try to do it Saturday and if its too hot you have to do it Sunday"

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ALLTHNGSPOSSBLE 8/13/2010 12:03PM

    I'm sure you will get your walk in and I say go for the 10K. If you are already walking 5 miles 6.2 will be nothing and you still have lots of time to train.

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HPESCHKE 8/13/2010 11:25AM

  Always good to have a plan B and a plan C and sometimes a plan D.. especially when you have a child. It sounds like you had a hard work out yesterday, I think I would do the five miles either Saturday night or Sunday morning. Either way, get 'er done. Congrats for your son and I wish him good luck.

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BOGUSANNIE 8/13/2010 11:09AM

    TODAY lady!!! get it over with, if your legs can take it...
Tell your son congrats...he must be thrilled!

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DARACOX 8/13/2010 10:44AM

    Nothing ever goes exactly as planned. It sounds like you are flexible and not stressing about it and that's great. I would say do it today if your legs can handle it. If not, then do it Sunday! Either way you are miles ahead with your attitude! emoticon

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YOOVIE 8/13/2010 10:39AM

    DO IT TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!

that way, if you have it out of the way, during the weekend, you can choose to get in another workout if you get the wild hair to do so!

xox

ps congrats on being DGOTD!!!!!!



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CUATROMOMMY 8/13/2010 10:02AM

    Good luck with the decision. And HORRAY for not just giving up on the 5 miler!!!

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KARVY09 8/13/2010 9:30AM

    Yeah, doesn't sound like a huge complication to me! Do it in the evening or on Sunday and enjoy it! It shouldn't be a massive chore. And congrats on getting to Zumba despite your TOM and getting your groove on!

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 8/13/2010 9:10AM

    If I were you, I would plan for switching the days, and if my chance it cools down and you have time to walk on Saturday then do it then. Don't stress yourself all day Saturday, enjoy your sons first game!

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NETTER61 8/13/2010 8:11AM

    Complication?? Phooey! Not with your attitude! It's just a slight detour that requires a few adjustments before you can reach your destination! Have fun at the scrimmage and enjoy your training walk!

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1CRAZYDOG 8/13/2010 7:54AM

    Well, good luck!

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The Every Day Struggles

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Yesterday was rough. Like super hard. Like beat your head against the wall and not care what happens hard. Okay, well not all of yesterday, but the evening workout anyway.

Truth is, I was tired. T-I-R-E-D. I yawned through my 10-hour work shift and could tell my body was craving more fuel throughout the day than normal. (It was trying to keep me going, trying to stay awake!) And even though my physical body was tired, my mind and spirit were wired and focused. With all the wonderful compliments I've been getting lately, here and "in the real world," it's hard to say sleep. It's hard not to keep pushing, even through the blah of tired. So at 5:55pm I changed into my gym clothes and 5 minutes later was headed out the door for home...I mean the gym.

There was no internal mental struggle to go to the gym. It's become such a habit that I don't even think about it. Go to work, go to the gym, go home. Nothing much changes from day to day (except weekends, of course). I got there, tied my laces up and headed upstairs for the treadmill. I had to wait a few minutes for the RIGHT treadmill (yes, I have a favorite treadmill *lol*) but I simply did a couple laps around the indoor track until I saw Sweaty Runner Boy get off.

I got on (and tried to avoid the mass amounts of boy sweat he left behind - EWW!) and settled in for a good 3 mile walk, as scheduled in my training for the week...and then 2 and a half minutes in (I kid you not) I was begging for mercy. I was tired. I didn't want to do it. My legs were moving and I felt physically fine, but I was just DONE for the night. And that's when the hard work started.

I have these mental battles with myself that usually go something like this:

emoticon Screw this! I'm too tired!
emoticon What the crap? Come on! You're not "tired," that's just an excuse.
emoticon Maybe...but so what? I've worked so hard, don't I deserve a break?
emoticon Sure you do! And you'll get one...on Sunday.
emoticon But I'm sick of walking, and I think my blister hurts.
emoticon Are you kidding me? Really?? Uh-oh.
emoticon
emoticon Hey, wait! No it is not! It's uncomfortable, yes...but it's not hurting. You can still walk on it and just keep a mental eye on how it's doing.
emoticon But I just don't want to...*pout*
emoticon I know you don't. Sometimes walking is boring...and you forgot your book at home. I'll make you a deal though...
emoticon A deal? Ooh...what is it?
emoticon Don't think about 3 miles anymore. It's really okay if you can't do it today...you ARE tired. But just go as long as you can.
emoticon Okay...I guess that's alright...
*1.67 miles in*
emoticon OMG! It's SOOO hard! Why is it so hard?
emoticon Let's not think about "hard," let's figure out how to get through this for just a LITTLE bit longer, okay? I mean, you are halfway there already!
emoticon Yeah. Okay...you're right. So I guess when this thing cycles through the scan feature it equals about 2 one-hundredths of a mile.
emoticon That's good! Now let's just focus on getting to 1.69 then.
emoticon 1.69....1.69....1.69....169...169...169... Phew! There it is! Okay, let's get to 1.71 then.
emoticon You can do this! Just get to 2 miles...that's all I ask of you today!
emoticon Okay. Two miles. Yes. I can do that!
*2 miles in*
emoticon Good job! Can you do any more?
emoticon emoticon Yes...

3 miles and 59 minutes...my legs were definitely worked out and while I still didn't feel great about the walk, I had done it. I could give myself a sticker later. And even though I knew I was supposed to row for 15 minutes after, I knew my body couldn't do it. I went through the same reasoning and realized it was a reason, not an excuse. So I opted out of rowing for the day and figured I'd either try to squeeze it in later this week, or I would just be happy with my 3 miles for the day. And because I knew it was ST night, and I didn't really want to do that either, I used my every-ready excuse-repellant:

If you don't do it tonight, you're just going to have to do it tomorrow...which will make your next day Saturday...the day of your 5 miles. Do you REALLY want to come to the gym after your 5 miler to do ST?....Uhm, no.

So I finished out with 60 crunches with the 4lb medicine ball and a full round of ST. And then I went home and ate and spent the rest of the night feeling strong, but still very tired.

I'm still very scared about my 5 miles on Saturday. I have to get up very early to do it because Ethan has a scrimmage all day in Parkersburg that day (still not sure of the time, but probably sometime after 11am at least), and because I can't complete this at the gym. The treadmills are set up for 60 minutes, because they don't want people hogging them for any longer than that...and I don't blame them! I would hate to see someone hogging MY treadmill for an hour and a half! Plus, I figure it's better for me to train for this road race by doing my long Saturday walks on...well, the road. (DUH!) I think the hills just about killed me last Saturday because I hadn't walked outside for a while.

So the plan is to map out the route using Spark's map route feature, and then check the satellite image so I can get an idea of where I should stop and turn around. I'm going to avoid the two major hills by the house, but other than that, it's on like Donkey Kong. I've decided that I will time myself only to see how long it took me, but I will not push myself to go super fast. The goal is endurance on Saturday, so I will simply remind myself to endure. If I need a break, I will take it. I will take some extra water with me to make sure I stay hydrated, and I will make sure that by the end of the 5 miles I can tell Hubs and the boys, "Mommy did it!"

Onwards and downwards (on the scale)!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

-SHIMMER-ANN- 8/15/2010 1:12AM

    Hahaha, that's EXACTLY how I do it!!

-Okay Vanessa, 40 minutes.

-Ugh, 15 in...and I'm soooo tired!!

-Okay, okay, do 25...and then try a different machine!

-Hm...deals, huh? How about 20, and then TWO different machines??

And the workout gets done :)

Congrats!!

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LOVEAZ 8/13/2010 3:09AM

    Boy can I relate to the emotions of working out! Just a little more, I have to tell myself that all the time.

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LOSING107 8/13/2010 12:15AM

    Way to push through it emoticon emoticon

I have to tell that nagging voice to shut up so I can finish my workout quite a lot emoticon

And thank you so much for your compliment!

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TEAM-SARAH 8/12/2010 5:35PM

    Way to push yourself!! I know you'll do GREAT for your 5 mile on Saturday :)

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COMPASSLOST1 8/12/2010 4:02PM

    AWESOME that you kept going! It just goes to show you that this is SUCH a mental struggle more than anything else. You should be so incredibly proud of yourself for accomplishing what many people fail at.

Have a wonderful walk outside! I find that I prefer running outside compared to the treadmill. The treadmill is so boring! (And it cheats you! It propels you along! Grrrrrr.) The more you walk outside, the stronger you will be! Then the days you have to use the treadmill, it will seem like a breeze!

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HPESCHKE 8/12/2010 2:40PM

  I felt the same way yesterday. I didn't want to do anything. I am in the bootcamp challenge so I told myself I cannot skip my work out. I toned down my cardio for the day, but still did my 100 crunches and the bootcamp video. I am still feeling kinda tired today. I think it's just that this is only the first week of working out everyday and my body is not used to it. As I was doing my crunches yesterday I was telling myself "You can do it... You can do it". I made it through.

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CHICAT63 8/12/2010 2:21PM

    emoticon and it will be awesome, you are preparing yourself for it !!!!

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-JENSSPARK- 8/12/2010 1:39PM

    Congrats on sticking to it!

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AMARILYS85 8/12/2010 1:29PM

    OMG! I can so relate. I have similar mental struggles with myself when I'm really tired and I'm working out.

But the important thing is that you got it done. You should be really proud of yourself. Keep up your amazing work!

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ATROTTIER 8/12/2010 1:25PM

    Way to go!! fighting those internal voices is difficult! I have those ALL THE TIME, I guess it's part of our personal journey to just change the way we think or not just give in to the temptation to quit. You kicked BUTT girl!!! =)

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YOOVIE 8/12/2010 1:20PM

    don't forget to take the time to exercise and strengthen your motivation and determination. those are muscle groups too and you dont want them burnt out. Take the time to keep your motivation strong BEFORE it's starts taking a nosedive.

Blogging the way you do, which I love, is a great way. I am soooooooooo proud of you fighting for it. You fight every day!

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JUNESHOPE 8/12/2010 1:16PM

    We have soooo much in common, that it is funny reading your blog. I to, like music, I can actually hear the words to and sing with.

I love to write, which I am currently playing around with freelance writing.

And as far as getting healthy goes....this time is it.

keep it up, you're on top of the world!

Amilie emoticon

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CUATROMOMMY 8/12/2010 12:49PM

    Okay...first of all...we all hear those darn voices. Yep...I said it...the voices. Ha!

I also wanted to say that you are still a bad ass for getting in the 3 miles, abs, and ST...so be sure to pat yourself on the back for that.

I'm sure you will be recharged in time for the 5 miler.

Loving your blogs!

Lisa

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LINDSEYBO 8/12/2010 12:46PM

    emoticon

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SIMPLYMARICRIS 8/12/2010 12:29PM

    I love it! The internal dialogue on the treadmill - I don't always enjoy it myself unless I get one with a TV so I can watch Comedy Central.

But yes - you got through more than you thought you could when you started. And you have proven over and over how strong you are. 5 miles on Saturday? Shoot - makes me feel like a slacker. You totally have it, Esther. You know how to challenge yourself, and I can't wait to here how your weekend goes. emoticon

Thanks again too for all the support.

Ciao Chica,
Maria emoticon

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DLEE27 8/12/2010 12:21PM

    emoticon

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RUNNINGOLLIE 8/12/2010 11:43AM

    Great blog!!! I think I go through the same process lately- just plain tired-in fact I have a 4 mile run to day and was going through the process and I almost had talked myself out of doing it- but you have inspired me to at least get out there and walk it if I feel too tired to run it.

Thanks!!!! Have a great day and I hope for both our sakes this extreme tiredness goes away soon!!! emoticon

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ARIANABLUE 8/12/2010 11:31AM

    your awsome... i love reading everything your write i think its becasue i can relate! Its awsome that you stuck it out and still went. YOu def have will power and self control!

Congrats!

tel me how things go on saturday!

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KIMMAS82 8/12/2010 11:00AM

    I had to laugh!! I had the same talk with myself on the treadmill last night!!! And because I totally hogged a treadmill last night for 88 minutes to complete my run!! It was WAY too hot outside to do it and it had to be one!! Luckily nobody works out in the evening at the gym in my office building so nobody was waiting for me to get off that machine!!!

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ERIN4771 8/12/2010 10:51AM

    i am loving your blog entries!!! it's nice to be able to relate to someone else who struggles, and goes thru the "mental talks" as well to power thru a workout.....keep up being the inspiring person you are!!!
erin

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_TRIXIE_ 8/12/2010 10:46AM

    Way to keep pushing through and kicking the excuses to the curb. Extra bonus points for doing ST after the walk, too! Best of luck Sat with the 5 miles! You can do it!

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PRETTYMANDI 8/12/2010 10:09AM

    I need you to come talk me through my workouts! I haven't worked out or stayed under on my calories since Sunday! :(

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KARVY09 8/12/2010 10:08AM

    Love that the gym has become such a habit that your internal struggle happens when you are there, rather than before you get there.

I'm excited for you and your 5-miles this weekend. You will feel so accomplished when you are done!!!!

YOU ARE AWESOME!

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JANISIRENE1 8/12/2010 10:04AM

    I have alomst the EXACT same inner struggle every time I am on a treadmill!!!! I think that is why I prefer to walk/run outside, then the only thing to pay attention to is the time...distance takes care of itself.

Great Blog!

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MSBLT82 8/12/2010 9:53AM

    good job!!

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BOGUSANNIE 8/12/2010 9:50AM

    LOL...great read!!!!
It's soooo true about the conversations we have with ourselves...the difference is most people stop...good for you for pushing through yet knowing your limits...

Well done !!!

RUN RUN RUN!!

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RAVENSONG37 8/12/2010 9:42AM

    I have the same thoughts when I'm running!! Good for you for pushing through that mental babble. Training on the road is brilliant and you may just notice beautiful things along your walk that you wouldn't see on the treadmill. One of my fav things about running outside is seeing what new flowers/plants/animals are along my way. You completely motivate me Esther. Thank you for doing what you're doing every day.

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HEAVENSSHADOW 8/12/2010 9:36AM

    Way to fight through the fatigue. Some days are just a lot harder than others! Good for you for working through it!

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MERAINA 8/12/2010 9:26AM

    emoticon


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Learning to Juggle

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Picture of the Day:


First of all, thank you to all of you for your outpouring of support and encouragement! It really means the world to me! I wish I could thank you all one by one, but ...well, I'd never get to the gym if I tried that! (We can't have that happening, now can we?)

This week has gone pretty well. The foot blister is healing well and I've been able to do my exercises on it. The elliptical is a bit of a pain, but otherwise we're good.

Last night I opted for a quicker workout than what I had planned, but for good reason. That little boy up there at the top? Yeah, that's my youngest son, Ethan. He was so bummed that I can't be at every practice, so when I found the opportunity yesterday to skip out of work a little early, I took it! I headed straight for the gym and instead of evening Zumba class (which doesn't start until 7pm), I just hopped on the elliptical and committed to do at least 30 minutes. It was a HARD 30 minutes on that blister, but I managed. I did my cool down around the indoor track, stretched and then rushed to the showers. Quick shower later, I was out the door and ready to surprise my boy! (His face positively LIT UP when he saw that I made it to practice!) I was able to watch the last half of the game and then take him out for pizza after. (Yes, I ate pizza...I had a low calorie day so I had the calories to do it. Still kinda wish I hadn't though! *lol* Oh, the mark of being a mother...you want to take the boy for pizza but you really just want a healthy dinner at home. And, in my case, you don't want to have to cook it! *lol*)

Tonight I'm here for the long haul. I'll be off at 6pm and should be at the gym by 6:50pm or so, depending on traffic. I've got at least an hour and a half tonight at the gym as I have planned an "easy" (my program calls them ALL easy walks...stupid liar!) 3 mile training walk, followed by 15 minutes on the rowing machine, and then a full set of ST. I recently added the leg machines to my ST routine to help the knee a little more. So far, so good! Once I feel like this latest increase in weight is too easy I'll start doing multiple sets before moving up in weight again. (Already lifting 50-80 on some of the lower body and ab machines, doing 30-40 on the arms.)

Just have to butt in (on myself) to mention that Hubs has been absolutely wonderful. Sure, there *MAY* have been a joke on Saturday about husbands packing lunches for their wives, but I never expected him to take it to heart. Yesterday he handed me a container of chili for my lunch. Today he made me a yummy healthy sandwich! He also made me breakfast BOTH mornings! (Sorry, girls...he's mine!)

Eating has been good lately (except for the pizza, of course). I've been adding back some more fruit and have been honestly craving veggies lately! I have 3 more gigantor zucchinis waiting for me at home, so I think this weekend I WILL be finding a great (healthy) zucchini bread recipe. And maybe get Hubs to make his, "Oops, I Forgot the Eggplant! Zucchini Soup" again. (If he can remember how!! *lol*) SOO good!

I have noticed that this week's lesson seems to be about learning to juggle. I had one coworker comment on how amazing I look, and another ask me why I've been ignoring her just today! I've been given additional responsibilities at work, added to football practice (a scrimmage this Saturday and then games start next weekend), and school coming up, in addition to the 10k training I'm doing right now... I told the first coworker thank you and the second that I'm overwhelmed recently. I'm trying to be present, consistent and adapt to changes as they come, but it's been a struggle to make sure all of my relationships remain 100%. (And, let's face it...my family comes first!)

Learning...still learning...always learning...

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Events I'm interested in right now:

9/4/10 - Charleston Distance Run - Charleston, WV - 10k Walk
10/2/10 - The Barkcamp Race - Bethesda, OH - 5 Mile Trail Challenge
10/10/10 - Dayton River Corridor Classic - Dayton, OH - 5k Walk*
10/16/10 - Auggie's 5k - Wheeling, OH - 5k Walk**
11/13/10 - Nick Caldwell Memorial - St. Albans, WV - 5k Run***

*A 5k with my Momma! (SNOWFLAKE57)
**Great cause! (SPCA)
**Need to see if there's a walk division for the 5k. Another great cause!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BAYBELIEVER 8/11/2010 10:14PM

    You are doing an amazing job! And you are probably even becoming a better mom and co-worker, all because you are getting healthier. What a great side benefit!

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CBARRETT10 8/11/2010 7:46PM

  You are soooo focused and determined to make a difference with your lifestyle! You truly inspire me to step it up with my workout routines, I thank you. Great Mom emoticon

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SPUNKYDUCKY 8/11/2010 7:40PM

    Yay! Auggies Walk! I am a little concerned that I might adopt another animal while we are there....I will need to be strong. Sounds like you are having a great week. LOL!!!! about the packed lunch...tooo awesome!

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TEAM-SARAH 8/11/2010 4:45PM

    Do the one on 10-10-10 because it's such a cool date :)
You're amazing and your blogs inspire me so much. I don't know how you do it. I seriously admire working moms sooo much in general but to try to change your lifestyle and get healthy and still juggle all of that... wow. just wow.

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BOGUSANNIE 8/11/2010 1:12PM

    HOLY COW!!! that's a lotta lotta!!! Good for you for taking time out for your son...I know I am guilty of missing soccer practices and games this summer all in the name of MY fitness...

You have so much on your plate...don't get TOOO overwhelmed now!

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RUN RUN RUN!!

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_TRIXIE_ 8/11/2010 12:44PM

    I love reading your blogs. They are always filled with positive thoughts and motivation. Keep up the amazing work. I love seeing my friends succeed so far!

Keep it up!

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MERAINA 8/11/2010 12:39PM

    You are rockin' this!
WTG!

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MAGPIE17 8/11/2010 12:36PM

    You're such a good mom! Making it to watch practice and taking him out for pizza afterwards, I'm sure you made his day! ;)

Balancing is difficult, especially when overwhelmingly busy, but you seem to be doing a pretty good job of it!

Comment edited on: 8/11/2010 12:36:55 PM

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