CALLIKIA   23,452
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The Answer is -- Yes, I Can!

Thursday, August 19, 2010



This is a picture of a girl who is unsure of herself.
This is a picture of a girl who is embarassed by the way she looks.
This is a picture of a girl who feels broken, alone, scared for the future, and unsure of what will happen next.
This is a picture of a girl who wants to be taken seriously.
This is a picture of a girl standing in a dark room in a gym, afraid that everyone around her is judging her.
This is a picture of a girl who wants it to be understood that while she may look like a 'fat slob,' she is doing everything she can to change - to make the outside match the inside so people will look at her and want to get to know her before deciding they already know who she is and what she's about.

But this...?


This is a picture of a girl who knows exactly who she is.
This is a picture of a girl who is proud of the muscles she has built that are starting to show themselves already.
This is a picture of a girl who feels strong, united with her fellow athletes, excited for the future, and sure that the next step will be even better than the last.
This is a picture of a girl who demands to be taken seriously.
This is a picture of a girl sitting at her desk at work, who even though is tired and sore from her training at the gym last night, feels confident and proud and doesn't care what anyone around her thinks about her outside appearance because she can feel the power within.
This is a picture of a girl who understands that appearances don't matter as much as action, that she has made positive changes and will continue to make them, and understands that the people who are worth knowing will try to get know her before ever attempting to make a judgement on who she is or what she is all about.




That red-headed baby being held by her blonde sister had no clue that she would suffer through life, but would somehow find the courage to come out the other side. She had no clue that one day she would find herself 29 and weighing 366 pounds, and would still find the courage and strength to ignore those numbers and try for another - 5. Five miles of walking. Five miles, taking every step in defiance of what she was called in the past, of what she was made to feel like, of the judgements that were made about her. And she had no idea that she would come out of those five miles more sure of herself and her abilities, unafraid of numbers. Six miles? Sure. Ten miles? I can work my way up to that. Thirteen? Not at all spooky.

August 18, 2010
4 Month SparkVersary
The day I conquered the 5-miler
Time: 1:36
Faster, stronger, braver than ever before.
Today I feel like a warrior!

Yes, I am sore. Yes, I managed to get a blister on the OTHER foot. (OUCH!) But it feels so good to wear these battle scars, because --

Yes, I can walk 5 miles! (and do it under a 20-min/mile pace!)
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUSIEMT 9/23/2010 7:09PM

    I loved this blog Esther! Yea You!

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LORRAANN77 8/28/2010 12:02PM

    RAH! RAH! RAH! You're doing GREAT!
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REDSASSENACH 8/27/2010 2:57PM

    Your pictures speak volumes. Aside from how your body's changed, there's a very clear and significant change in the energy coming from you. Great job. Power, strength, and confidence are beautiful characteristics to have.

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STACEY628 8/27/2010 1:17PM

    emoticon
Can't wait til I'm ready to take that leap!

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-KIMBERLY- 8/27/2010 12:05PM

    emoticon emoticon

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NACHOSMAMA 8/27/2010 9:36AM

    You go girl!
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WINWIN1 8/27/2010 6:40AM

    YES!! We can - great attitude

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MYASHA 8/27/2010 1:10AM

  emoticon emoticon

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JILLINWONDER 8/26/2010 8:55PM

    You go, Callikia! I love what you're doing for yourself and know you're gonna be one of the amazing, inspiring success stories! You're doing great!

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GWENFITNESS1ST 8/25/2010 8:23PM

    Thanks for sharing. You are wonderful! emoticon

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LUVMYSELF1ST 8/25/2010 8:07PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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VEHAMILTON1 8/25/2010 4:23PM

    emoticon
Go Girl!

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RUNJEWELRUN 8/25/2010 4:20PM

    Congrats! Keep up the good work :)

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TEMPEST272002 8/25/2010 3:44PM

    What a truly beautiful expression of your journey so far. Like you, I have been amazed at how quickly my fitness improving. With each step, I gain confidence and strength. You're after picture is fabulous, sexy and strong! Keeping going!

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PEACEJENN 8/25/2010 12:58PM

    emoticon Truly AMAZING!!!! :) Congrats!!! :)

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TONISTRELEC 8/25/2010 10:58AM

    emoticon emoticon

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HOTTIE41465 8/25/2010 10:43AM

    Greay Blog. Very inspiring. emoticon

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SDKENT79 8/25/2010 9:33AM

    emoticon

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JUNE302 8/25/2010 8:56AM

    you go girl!! wear those blisters proud!!

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DESSALENA 8/25/2010 8:05AM

    You're awesome!!!!!

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CRROCKERGIRL 8/25/2010 7:44AM

    Oh my gosh! You are a rockstar!!!

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SPARKANN 8/24/2010 11:59PM

    Awesome!!! emoticon

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DEBLYNN323 8/24/2010 9:51PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SHORTYTHICK 8/24/2010 9:49PM

  YOU RIGHT I USE TO FEEL THE SAME WAY I WAS 318 POUNDS KNOW I AM 143 TO ME PEOPLE STILL MAKE COMMENTS. THEY SAY I LOOK SICK THEY CALL ME SKELETON I DONT CARE MY MOM IS WORRIED ABOUT ME BECAUSE SHE NEVER SEEN ME SO SMALL. I WENT FROM A SIZE 26 WOMAN TO A SIZE 9 JRS. AND I FELT GREAT THREW THE JOURNEY BECAUSE I KNEW PEOPLE WERE LOOKING AT ME SAYING SHE IS FAT BUT I KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING AND THAT WAS GETTING THE WEIGHT OFF.

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SMPO79 8/24/2010 4:57PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Hooray for super-strong, amazing, inside and out gorgeous women!! You make me proud to be on the same road...never stop!!

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RKINUGIRL 8/24/2010 3:14PM

    So glad you posted this. I needed to read it! emoticon emoticon

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MICKEYCUSTER 8/24/2010 2:08PM

    WOW! You go girl!!!! Thank you for the breath of fresh air and positive attitude.
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Comment edited on: 8/24/2010 2:09:14 PM

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LITTLEFIREFLY 8/24/2010 9:44AM

  great post and great job!!

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NATARSHAD 8/24/2010 9:22AM

    emoticon I can totally relate to what you were feeling and how empowered you feel when you do something good for yourself. This morning I am tired and sore from last night's workout, but like you, it's "full steam ahead!" emoticon

Comment edited on: 8/24/2010 9:23:15 AM

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TONISTRELEC 8/24/2010 9:16AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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COBOUCH53 8/24/2010 8:51AM

    You Go Girl!!! Great blog - I love the confidence you have developed in yourself. . .From that far away picture to right up front on center. Great Job!

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HEIDE69 8/24/2010 7:51AM

    emoticon emoticon

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LOVE_KRISTIN 8/24/2010 6:39AM

  Amazing blog!! You are such an inspiration! I feel like that alot (the beginning of your blog) Look how far you have come!! Be proud - you are stronger and look beautiful!
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ARRILISIA10 8/24/2010 12:53AM

    I've been there along with you...having doubts about myself, about what people think of me based on the way I look on the outside. But it doesn't matter just as long as we know who we are and what we can make of ourselves. We don't have to answer to anyone but ourselves. You definitely shine with budding self confidence!
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NELLEGRRL 8/23/2010 8:32PM

    Beautiful post!!!!
I'm friending you ASAP!
love it :)
Thank you.
Just keep going, and I'll be here on the other end, going and going.

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FITTERLIFE4ME 8/23/2010 7:58PM

    emoticon emoticon

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BURKEBRIZ 8/23/2010 5:05PM

    I LOVED your blog! Way to go! Your empowerment is inspiring!

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DTCELLO 8/23/2010 4:17PM

    emoticon emoticon

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DTCELLO 8/23/2010 4:17PM

    emoticon emoticon

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DTCELLO 8/23/2010 4:17PM

    emoticon emoticon

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BABBELINGBHELL 8/23/2010 3:11PM

    you rock!!!!!!!

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DRAGONFLYGIRL11 8/23/2010 2:58PM

    Great post! you are wonderful!! emoticon emoticon

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CBAILEYC 8/23/2010 12:47PM

    Fantastic!


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MIZZMIA 8/23/2010 11:34AM

  You rock!

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**ALISON** 8/23/2010 11:33AM

    This blog brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for sharing :)

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ERASURE 8/23/2010 10:00AM

    Inspirational!

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WEMINICH 8/23/2010 5:47AM

  Congratulations!

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SUSH_ASH 8/23/2010 1:28AM

    nice blog

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GEMINIS_25 8/23/2010 12:38AM

    Congratulations on your Sparkversary!!
You are so inspirational; I'm rooting for your continued success.

Your words capture my feeling when I picture myself on the track, looking all clumsy, slow, and out of breath........and then capture my feelings of how I want to feel (how I remember feeling) when I can run a mile (or more) continuously without stopping!

Can't wait to say, "Today: I feel like a warrior!" I am so absolutely going to take a picture of my fierce, empowered self!

Great blog! emoticon

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GEMINIS_25 8/23/2010 12:29AM

    Congratulations on your Sparkversary!!
You are so inspirational; I'm rooting for your continued success.

Your words capture my feeling when I picture myself on the track, looking all clumsy, slow, and out of breath........and then capture my feelings of how I want to feel (how I remember feeling) when I can run a mile (or more) continuously without stopping!

Can't wait to say, "Today: I feel like a warrior!" I am so absolutely going to take a picture of my fierce, empowered self!

Great blog! emoticon

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My Four Month SparkVersary

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

On April 19th I arrived home following a trip to a friend's house in Ohio. That friend had been working out and so had several other people around me. I guess I caught the bug, because when I got home I sat down at my computer and thought - Okay, let's make this work. From losing weight previously, I knew how important it was to log my calories, so I searched Google for a free site that would allow me to do that, and up popped SparkPeople. Sure, I'll check it out. Looked good enough. I liked that I could have my own space, and I'm always attracted to blogs, because I think they're a lot like journaling and that's always been a HUGE part of it for me. I made myself a promise - be honest. I told myself that no one was watching me anyways and that the most important thing was to be completely 100% raw honest with myself. Sugar-coating crap led me to one thing only - donuts...and cake...and cupcakes, okay, maybe a few things.

Now four months later, one of my biggest accomplishments and one of the biggest things that makes me love Spark more and more every day is that my honesty is appreciated and respected. If I had been faced with people bashing me for being honest, I would never have stayed and likely would have given up the whole shebang of trying to lose weight. But Spark has become synonomous with the word "support" and I have to give props to all my Spark Friends and anyone who just stumbles by for your advice, support, suggestions, encouragement, and simple *love*.

So in four months, I can honestly say that I've become a different version of myself. This version was always there in spirit, she just didn't know how to break free of the shell I had created for her and stuffed her into. Everything was just TOO HARD before, and now things are becoming easier each and every day. I have accomplished so much and have so much to be proud of after just four months of hard work!!

April 18th to August 18th, 2010

emoticon I have lost 50 pounds!
I was SO SO happy when the scale came down today to 366.2 so I could honestly say that I had lost 50 pounds from April 18th to today!

emoticon I have lost a total of 27.25 inches!
- 6.75 in the waist
- 7.5 off the hips
- 3 from my neck
- 5.5 from my thigh
- 2.5 off my calf
- 2 from my upper arm

emoticon I've gone from being able to do about 2 (yes, just 2) modified ("girly" as my boys say) push-ups to today being able to do 12 regular pushups in one minute. Granted, I can't go down that far, but this is a HUGE improvement.

emoticon After doing those pushups today I now realize that I am able to do a plank! I don't know for how long yet, but I couldn't even stay in the position long enough to count to one before!

emoticon I've gone from being able to do about 12 (very difficult) crunches, to doing 49 non-stop in a minute! (I'm so friggin proud! I'm loving my core today!)

emoticon My resting heart rate is around 65 now, which is in the low range. No clue what it was before, but I can assure you it was probably UP THERE! (I'll ask the doc when I go in next week what it was before.)

emoticon I have logged 5,874 fitness minutes in 4 months! That's an average of 1,468.5 fitness minutes a month!

emoticon I completed 30 in 30 - 30 consecutive days of working out in June! (I'm thinking of shooting for 50 or 100 the next time...but after I finish my 10k training...)

emoticon I went from barely being able to complete a full mile (walking) to doing 2 and 3 milers at least once a week. (And tonight is my 5-mile training, which I'm actually feeling a LOT better about today.)

emoticon I walked my first (non-competitive) 5k at home (5/26) in 1:15.39.

emoticon I walked my first ever competitive 5k (8/7) in 57.21! That's 18.18 off my previous time!

emoticon I've earned over 5,000 Spark Points (I don't concern myself too much with Spark Points usually unless I'm bored one day and try to start racking up a score by reading articles and doing polls. *shrug*)

emoticon I started merely walking and using my inStride cycle. Now I do Zumba, stationary bike, boxing, row machine, rowing on the lake, elliptical, treadmill, walking, (real) gardening, (fake) gardening, swimming, water aerobics (self-guided at the lake), hiking - and I just can't wait to try more things! I use as many opportunities as I can to burn calories...that's why they call me the Calorie Killa! ;)

emoticon I have gone from 0 ST to Spark's suggested ST routine, to a full round on the ST machines 3 times a week at the gym. I do anywhere from 50-70 crunches a day (where I used to do about 20).

emoticon I stretch before and after all my exercises and sometimes in between and have found that I'm much more flexible than I ever was before!

emoticon I went from not being able to complete a full Zumba class, to modifying the entire thing (taking out jumps and turns) to last night doing the full 35-40 minutes doing EVERYTHING everyone else did!

emoticon I have gone from my knee popping out once or twice a month to no popping since May. I still watch it and try to back off it feels loose or sore, but I can tell every day that it's stronger than it has been since probably high school!

emoticon I've found some great Spark Friends that I feel extremely close to!

emoticon I've met two Sparkies in the real world - and they were wonderful! And I hope to have more meetings within the next 6 months!!

emoticon I was nominated Spark Motivator (8/10). A huge boost to the ego. I thank you ALL for your support!

emoticon I received a Popular Blog Post Award (8/10) and met some wonderful new Sparkies through it!

emoticon I was Done Girl of the Day (8/13)! Thanks Donies!! :)

emoticon I volunteered to be Co-Captain of the Awesome Adventurers team for the Biggest Loser End of Summer Challenge in Team 300lbs. Plus! (GO ADVENTURERS!!)

emoticon I've gone from a woman trying to lose weight to an athlete training for her next event. From a woman obsessed with how horrible she thought she looked to a woman proud of the strength in her body and proud of how her body seems to be taking on a better shape. I've gone from a girl who hated to shop to one who can't wait to get to the stores to see what else fits now! (And I'm trying so hard to stay away in order to save money!! *lol*)

Spark has seeped into other aspects of my life as well. My youngest son is constantly paying attention to his body and feeding it the right fuel for football practice. He works on his days off to improve his strength and flexibility. He asks ME, yes MEE!!, for advice on how to get better, stronger, faster, and more effective on the field. I find work easier to get through (though I still hate it) and I'm constantly demanding more from myself while still trying to give myself the rest and credit I deserve. I'm not afraid to speak in front of people. I have more confidence because I've built this strong sense of self-worth. And even though it wavers from time to time (see yesterday's blog), I snatch it back in a day or two and feel stong and powerful again.

And I'm not sure if it's because of me or just coincidental, but I've noticed a change in my friends too. Each day on Facebook I see more comments from friends about working out, going to the gym, starting a program and committing to a healthier life. Let's hope we're all spreading that Spark throughout the world!

So here's to another four months (and more!) of learning, of growing in self-confidence and self-worth, and shrinking physically!! Here's to us Sparkies, and the troubles we face and conquer every day! Here's to those who said we couldn't and those who always believed we could (including our fellow Sparkies!). Here's to knowing that we are doing right by our bodies and creating a fulfilling and quality life! My health teacher once asked us what was more important - quantity of life, or quality. We all knew the answer, I'm just glad all of you here have decided to take the challenge of making it so!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RUNNINGOLLIE 8/19/2010 11:19AM

    emoticon

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 8/19/2010 10:46AM

    You're awesome!!!! Happy SparkVersary!!! You've hit some incredible goals in the last 4 months and and you'll do even more in the next 4! Keep up the great work!


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BAYBELIEVER 8/19/2010 12:30AM

    Great blog! So much in just 4 months! Who knows where else you can go, right?

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BAYBELIEVER 8/19/2010 12:24AM

    Great blog! So much in just 4 months! Who knows where else you can go, right?

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LVCYHONEYCHURCH 8/18/2010 6:35PM

    You're a super star! Way to go!

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RAVENSONG37 8/18/2010 4:33PM

    You are doing amazing things. It's about time you realized it!!!

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O0VALD0O 8/18/2010 3:28PM

    Congratulations on all those wonderful things you've accomplished!

I'm also very surprised when people look up to me for advice and such. I've only been training in boxing and thai kickboxing for 4 months and already I am known as one of the "senior" members in my classes at the gym! It's always a bit of a shock but such a compliment, I bet it is even more for you since it's your own son!

Keep up the good work and awesome attitude! *hugs*

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 8/18/2010 2:17PM

    I knew you were awesome, but when you put it in those context you are awesomer. Proud to have you as a sparkfriend, and keep the motivaiton coming.

Congratulations on the pay off of all your hard work.

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TEAM-SARAH 8/18/2010 1:55PM

    Yay happy sparkversary!!! You have come so far, especially in your attitude which is definitely the most important!! Imagine where you'll be on your 1 year sparkversary!!

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KITHKINCAID 8/18/2010 1:37PM

    Happy SparkVersary! We joined at exactly the same time! I totally thought you had been here longer than me - you're doing so well! Sending lots of love and support your way for another four months (plus) of achieving what you know you can.

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SFGRUNNER 8/18/2010 1:13PM

    You're awesome! Such an inspiration, thank you for sharing!

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BEATLES34 8/18/2010 1:03PM

    you are so wonderful and strong! i love this blog!

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BEATLES34 8/18/2010 1:02PM

    you are so wonderful and strong! i love this blog!

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DLEE27 8/18/2010 12:22PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SUGIRL06 8/18/2010 12:07PM

    emoticon You are doing so great! Its amazing how far you've come in only 4 months! I'm so glad you had the moment of clarity and found the RIGHT website to help you with the positive environment for support! And where would we be without you too?? Keep up the great work!
~Ang

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_MSAPRIL17_ 8/18/2010 11:50AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

You have had some MAJOR accomplishments in 4 short months, congratulations!!!!! You are a true inspiration!!!!!

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ERIN1128 8/18/2010 11:41AM

    You ROCK!

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BOGUSANNIE 8/18/2010 11:38AM

    Cheers to you!!!

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BECKYB73 8/18/2010 11:31AM

    You rock, Calorie Killa, you absolutely, totally and completely ROCK!!

Try those planks...I surprised myself by being able to do them (on the Bosu ball, no less) for 10 second holds. I know that if *I* can do it, YOU TOTALLY CAN!

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FLWRCHLD97 8/18/2010 11:20AM

    you are an inspiration to us all (no pressure implied, just stating the facts). keep being honest! (and thank you for your honesty) emoticon

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TRIGFROST 8/18/2010 11:09AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon of "50" pounds... emoticon

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CUATROMOMMY 8/18/2010 10:41AM

    emoticon

You are doing awesome and will continue to impress yourself. I love hearing all about it in your blogs.

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-JENSSPARK- 8/18/2010 10:40AM

    You've made some amazing progress! Keep up the good work! emoticon

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MAGPIE17 8/18/2010 10:39AM

    Woohoo!! What an inspirational blog! Way to go, Esther!

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MERAINA 8/18/2010 10:33AM

    emoticon emoticon

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Oops!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Ignore this...look over there...

Oh, and for your information - it's really no wonder Stella got her groove back...


Wouldn't you if you had that standing next to you and smiling at ya??

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 8/19/2010 10:38AM

    ohhh yeah....

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RAVENSONG37 8/18/2010 4:27PM

    mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

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CHICAT63 8/18/2010 11:03AM

    emoticon drool *lol*

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MERAINA 8/18/2010 10:32AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Confessions and Misconceptions

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The AB team has a forum thread with this exact title and I feel like I should honor it here. It's time to get real, my homies! (Sorry...just watched RAVENSONG gansta dance it out...got me in a mood.)

Confession #1:
As much as I try to set an example...as much as I want to be noticed and recognized for my accomplishments, I've been experiencing a bit of a freak out moment over all the attention lately. This is no disrespect to anyone who has friended me recently, who has posted on previous blogs, who has nominated me for Spark Motivator, or anything of the sort. This is also not a call to be left alone (see Confession #2). What this is is me fessing up. When you feel like the world is watching you, it's SO HARD not to feel the pressure to stay perfect. I just want you all to understand that I love the love you've shown me, but I hope you realize that I am in no way perfect. I am still morbidly obese, even after 100 pounds lost...and I have a ways to go before I get under that. I still get attacked by the "IDUNWANNA"s and the "SCREWTHIS"s from time to time, usually once a week. And right now, in this moment, I'm pissed because the scale tells me that by going off track one day I gained something like 8 pounds. In one day! GRRR! So don't be upset or surprised when your SP Motivators have bad days...remember that we're struggling right along with you and we can't always be rainbows and butterflies happy and on point.
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Confession #2:
I feel lonely - a lot! As much as I'm surrounded here on Spark by people fighting the same battle, I often feel like I've only been accepted into the "club" because it's PC to do so. No disrespect to any of my Spark Friends, as corny as it sounds (but it's true) - it's not you, it's me. I've spent my life as the fat friend, and I've often felt like I was "kept around" so that I could make those around me feel better about themselves. Me and friends rarely work out for very long because they find other (skinnier) girls they can relate to better. I've never been in a friend's wedding, even the friend I knew since the age of about 6. And I always felt like it's because they would hate to ruin their wedding pictures with the huge girl taking up all the space on the end. (And because finding a dress to fit me would screw up all the other bridesmaid dresses.) It's a source of discomfort to admit it, but that's how it feels to be the fat friend. (And I'm sure many of you have felt this from time to time.)

I also feel very lonely at the gym. I get stared at a lot. Sometimes I get a smile like, "You go girl!" and other times it's the look of, "What the hell are YOU doing here? You're going to break the friggin' machine!" (which I do worry about all the time, btw) I often wish I could bring my support system with me (husband, kids), but hard as I try, hubs is not interested in bulking up and making himself into a lean machine. Hubs thinks he looks great and has no self-esteem issues. And when his gut grows a little too big for his liking, he simply cuts back a bit on his eating of sweets and he's good to go again. (I'm so jealous of his wonderful self-esteem and ability to self-regulate like that!) So until anything changes, I'm alone there just doing the best I can, Spark Friend comments in my ear pushing me on. (Which is why I love the support, no matter what I said in Confession #1.)

See Confession #5 for more on why I feel "lonely" at times.
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Confession #3:
It took a long time for me to start taking credit for my own weight problems, but I still honestly believe that some of that blame should be shared. I went from a tiny little thing before the age of four to the fatty by age five. (My mother tells me that people used to ask her if she ever fed me because I was so skinny. She said I was more interested in playing than I was in food. Food, back then, was only used as fuel to sustain my childhood energy. --Oh how I wish I could've held onto that habit!!) The only thing that changed? My father came home...from prison. My father was...hrm, how do I put this nicely?...a big jerk. He believed me to be the reason for all of his problems most days, and while he treated my older sister like she was his pride and joy, I was the girl he wanted to hide (bury?) in the basement. I always got the distinct feeling growing up that life for my parents and sister would improve 100-fold if I simply did not exist.

ACK! I'm not going for the sympathy vote here, I'm just trying to explain. I remember very little from my childhood -- VERY, VERY little!, and no one really knows why -- but I remember that meals were to be finished. Clean platers club was 100% necessary because we didn't have the money for food to begin with and me, the little brat, was not going to waste what we did have. I distinctly remember being about 16 years old (after my father was finally kicked out of the house) and sitting at the dinner table staring at my plate, anxious and nervous because I was full and there was still more left on my plate to be cleared... and my mother looks over and says to me, "Esther, you don't have to eat it if you don't want it." At 16 years old I was finally given permission to stop when I was full, but the damage was done. Bad eating habits were learned and I stuck with them. I still have trouble leaving food on my plate (I had this problem just last night until Hubs offered to finish it for me...and I thanked him for finishing my food so I wouldn't. How sad is that?)

I know a big part of this is me, but a bigger part (and the hardest part to fess up to, because people don't like to hear that someone else is to blame for a problem like this) is that I was taught these behaviors and I have to take the time to unlearn them. This is a big reason why I'm so big on our boys learning to feed themselves properly, learning to stop when they're full and learning that we can save the rest for later and still not be wasteful. They say that children are born with this instinct to eat right, and as parents we have to let them develop it. Is it any wonder that my metabolism is shot to hell and I have so many issues with food?
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Confession #4:
I'm very nervous about losing weight. I have never been skinny (okay, when I was 4, but seriously, I don't remember it AT ALL!) and I don't know what it feels like. I imagine it's wonderful, but I have no idea. I have asked my husband more than a dozen times on random occassions, "What does it feel like to be skinny?" and he has no idea how to answer the question because he doesn't understand what it feels like to NOT be skinny.

And sometimes I mourn the little girl that never got to learn what it was like to be treated nicely in school. Sometime I mourn the little girl that felt left out and stepped on everywhere, even at home. My mom is my rock, but she couldn't stop my father's anger, so I was rarely treated as anything even remotely special, except in still quiet moments with my mom away from everyone.

So while I'm so glad to be losing the weight, and I DO want to know what it's like to walk in a store and buy jeans off the rack, I'm scared that it will never happen...and I'm scared that it will. I don't know what skinny feels like. And I don't know if my body will EVER look acceptable because I have spent my entire life stretching skin that will likely never go back - EVER. That seems a little sad to me, knowing that I can never strut around in a bikini. So, yes, I'm scared to be skinny sometimes.
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Confession #5:
This is for all my really big girls out there, EDIT: or for any of you that have ever felt this way...

First of all, I know you might feel like nobody really understands what it's like to be you. There are people out there, but sometimes it feels like they are few and far between. (Of course, it could be just me.)

Pro - We can work less on exercise and fitness and lose more. Because our weight is so high, burning calories comes easy and quickly because it takes our bodies SO MUCH just to move. So we can start out super small and get away with it.

Con - We have to lose a lot more weight to have our efforts noticed by those around us. Generally they say that for those carrying a considerable amount of extra weight, you will have to lose 30 pounds before anyone starts to notice. By 40 we really start getting attention for it. So while skinnier girls can rock a 10 pound weight loss and get stares and smiles from admirers around them, we have to fight a little more to get the recognition.

Con - We face every day the fact that we have SO MUCH MORE to lose than most of you. I cannot tell you how many days I sit here wishing I was "only" 280 pounds. (I know that sounds rediculous, but it's how I think sometimes.) When I joined Spark I refused to put in my actual goal weight in my ticker. Why? Because it seemed so daunting. I came in at 416.2, and my goal would be about 160. For those keeping track, that's a weight loss of 256 pounds! That's not just losing a person, that's losing a fat person, or two skinny chicks. So please understand when we our energy or motivation falls, that 9 times out of 10, it's because we realize in our hearts that the number we need to lose is so huge...and it's really hard to ever imagine us losing that much weight. Even in magazines we read of people who brag, "I lost over 100 pounds!" but I rarely see one (in fact, I'm not sure I ever have) that says, "I lost 250 pounds!" If you want to get really picky, if I EVER get to 160, I will have lost a total of 300 pounds. I have never seen that done by a woman without medical intervention. Daunting. Heavy. Tiring to realize.

Con - When some people start to lose weight, they seem to drop a pant size every month or two. But when you start out really big, dropping pants sizes comes VERY slow (I'm hoping this is just at first). I have been here for 4 months (tomorrow is my 4 month SparkVersary) and am barely down from a 30 to a 28...barely. And the other day I was heart broken when a pair of my new 28s split a rip down the front. (These shorts were "distressed" already, and I would have never bought them if they hadn't been the only size 28 shorts in the store. A word to the wise - do not buy distressed jeans if you're a big girl and/or if they're tight and you're trying to shrink into them.) This whole pants size thing is especially true when you've reached the point to where you're only really buying elastic waist pants. You'll wear these for a WHILE before ever needing a smaller size, it seems.

For the really big girls out there, I'm with you. I understand. My heart yearns for us both/all to feel those same triumps others feel. We may have to work longer and harder for it, and our bodies might look a little different in the end, but just think of what we can say we've accomplished when all is said and done! Talk about taking inspiration and motivation to the next level!
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Alright, so there they are - five confessions of things that have been haunting my mind. Today is an emotional day. I woke up late. I didn't finish my workout last night because hubs called and wanted me home so we could go out to dinner as a family. The scale says I'm back up to 368 (which friggin' blows dude, I hate this crap!). I'm back here at work for another forever-long day. And that stupid 5-miler is tomorrow. The lateness of waking up led me to the McDonald's line for breakfast and will force me to go out and get something for lunch. *sigh* Emotions are running high and I'm trying to deal.

EDITED for misconceptions *I* made. Not afraid to admit I am wrong...and it feels good to know it's not just me.

EDIT #2: Please know that this is not meant to discredit any of you for your weight loss efforts, even if you only have 10 pounds to lose. I know the way is hard for everyone, I just wanted to fess up to the crap cluttering my mind today. I do NOT think your weight loss is anything but extraordinary, because it's all so hard to fight physiology and society. I'm starting to understand that #5 is my biggest misconception...and that more people understand than I've ever been willing to admit. And that's a really important lesson for me to learn, so thank you for your comments on this!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ELISADEL 9/12/2010 1:01AM

    This is one of the more eloquent and thoughtful blogs that I've read here. Thank you for sharing it.

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HOOSIERGIRLINDY 9/10/2010 12:29AM

    Thank you so much for your candor. It's as if you were reading my mind as you wrote this. I started my weight loss journey at 382 pounds. I had weight loss surgery in 2004, yet I still struggle with my weight and have these exact feelings that you have so eloquently put into words. Thank you so much for sharing openly and honestly about all of the scary things that we all struggle with. You helped me feel less alone. Thank you, and keep sparking! You will see that 160 pounds!!!!
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FIERYSPARKED 9/6/2010 3:15PM

    I'm not really sure what to say here...but when I read your blog I really felt like you for a minute. I've never been over 225 lbs., but I still feel a lot of the feelings you are talking about. Being singled out for being overweight is terrible. I HATE not being able to fit into pants at the store. I sometimes hate it when people comment on my weightloss because I want them to kind of forget what I looked like 20 lbs ago. I want that part of me erased from their memory and time itself.
I have a very outgoing personality, but I think I'm compensating for the fact that being overweight in today's society is shameful...so I'm the cool girl...or the outspoken girl...or "so awesome..." as some of my friends might say, but I still feel like what they want to say is "my fat friend."

So thanks for putting all your feelings out there. It makes me feel less crazy. (no offense)

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TIME4ME2010 9/5/2010 7:04AM

    Your words brought tears to my eyes on many levels. First, I completely understand how you are feeling, I started my weight loss journey at 340 pounds and just realize this morning that that means I've lost 145 pounds. You can do it, I always believe in baby steps. When we learned those poor habit we were little, so do little things to unlearn them and practice the new habits. Teaching our kids not to repeat our same issues is a wonderful and proactive goal to helping them live long and healthy lives. Don't fret about the pants sizes either, one day you'll get up and they will all be too big!!

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AFITJULIE 8/18/2010 12:16PM

    Your honest words brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for being so real and willing to share of yourself!
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MARATHONBOUND 8/18/2010 11:06AM

    I just wanted to let you know, I feel everything you've written here. The shaky childhood, the "clean platers" club, the big girl issues with clothing and the all the pros and cons-I totally relate. Thank you for putting this out there, I needed to see someone else is feeling the same way I do. Good luck to you and congrats on your progress so far! Take care

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PENGUITO 8/17/2010 11:24PM

    I feel a bit intimidated about writing a short comment but I'm not a great blogger :-)
I just wanted to let you know how great I think you are and that I believe you can do it.
Keep up the great work, even though there's always going to be tough times for everyone, you'll make it through.
I'm so glad we all got to meet in Wheeling!
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SPUNKYDUCKY 8/17/2010 10:08PM

    Ok, even though I know you are learning to be comfortable with your new "motivator" position, I absolutely have to click the "I like this" button. Do I like that you feel this way. Of course not. Do I get it, I think so, because so much of it feels so familiar to me, but not all of it and I think so many others would benefit from reading this. You have such a beautiful and eloquent way of expressing yourself and being bluntly honest. You have a gift in self insight and in ability to express yourself. I have never seen such long responses from almost every person who has replied and even though I didn't read all of the responses, I know that they say the same thing: that you are wonderful. And wait, who said "motivators" couldn't have bad days? LOL! I could tell you a long story about all the chocolate I ate (at my boss) this week. Completely selfdestructive ScreweverythingIdontcarewhathappens attitude. Luckily the next day I just said oh well, start over. I also think it is ok to lay a little blame where blame belongs. 4 year olds LEARN bad behavior from parents. As adults it is definitely important to recognize our own shortcomings but it is ok, to realize that it is NOT all your fault, the way most of us have always felt. In regards to the gym, I always feel like people are staring, or saying great job atta girl because they feel sorry for me, or are laughing at me. Deep down, I think most people feel this way about something in their life. I exercised with someone other than my husband for the first time this weekend and only after making her promise not to laugh at my panting. And you know what, she panted too. Is the task in front of you a long one, a daunting one. Absolutely. Can you do it. Yeah, I believe you can, even better, I think you believe you can. Never be afraid to put up the positive and the negative about this journey. What you are experiencing is real and at times, painful and by writing it you help others realize that what they feel is normal (even if it is painful). Every day, we go a little further and changing the inside is more important and harder than the outside.

Comment edited on: 8/17/2010 10:09:49 PM

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ATROTTIER 8/17/2010 5:25PM

    My dear, you are speaking from my heart! This journey sure is a blessing yet a bi*%h too at the same time, isn't it??? It's like we finally decided to make a long term decision on becoming healthy and therefore during it all the emotional baggage starts to wander out and face you while you are trying to get away from it! I hate it too, and it totally sucks! So, that being said I know how hard it is to take responsiblity for the accumulated weight gain and YES I do hold some blame to my crappy upbringing too but at the end of the day I have to face the mirror and decide that it was my past and now is the present and every decision I make is going to affect not only my future but the future of the children I want to have soon or my husband and wow, that is tough - responsibilty can really bite! I'm serious, I'm not trying to make it funny - this is really hard.

I just want you to know that you are not alone, and I know you know that but really know that you are a strong woman and you are not stopping without a fight, that is what I can tell and it sounds like your hubby and kiddies are all there for you, now that truly is precious! WE don't expect you to be perfect! It's just not normal - I've been on a 3 month plateau and I want to scream the fact that I'M NOT PERFECT and that I don't know what to do but I keep going and everyday I'm learning something new from my spark friends that it's not the finish line yet but over a couple more hills we will have our finish line and that day will be more glorious then whatever a "skinny person" can ever try to explain about what it feels like because what its going to feel like for us will exceed whatever feelings that they already have in their skinny bodies because we are accomplishing goals that are huge and that deserve some respect! Ok I could go on and on - really wish you lived on the west coast so we could buddy exercise at the gym, next time you are there, pretend the skinny chick next to you is me and I'm yelling " Go Esther go"!!!! emoticon emoticon

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TEAM-SARAH 8/17/2010 5:16PM

    The outpouring of supportive comments you are receiving is seriously a testament to the wonderful nature of this community! We are NOT just fake accepting you to be PC (at least I know I am not!!) You are an amazing intelligent person who just had a hard life. That manifests itself in different ways for different people. For you, it is weight and you carry that with you every day. You are strong though and your strength and courage impress me. You are one of the most inspiring people I've come across on this site PERIOD. I am so lucky to have you as a sparkfriend. You're a wonderful writer, and even in those bad days you still find the positivity.

Also... pants size. Let's discuss for a second how I've lost 80 pounds and gone from an 18 to a 12. I think some of us just dont drop the sizes as quickly... a lot of it is bone structure and how the weight is carried and all. Don't get down about sizes!! Just be thankful you don't have to spend as much on clothes all the time (that's how I try to look at it when I get frustrated that people who are larger than me get to wear smaller sizes haha)

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SFGRUNNER 8/17/2010 4:29PM

    Esther, I just want to hug you. I wish I could get married again just to ask you to be in the wedding!

I'm not as big as you (I'm currently at 231, started at 236 2 weeks ago) but I can relate in my own way to many of the things you wrote. Obviously, I don't understand it all the way you do, but I do in some ways.

Being fat is really isolating. It's filled with shame. It makes ME want to be invisible, yet my feelings get hurt when I seem to actually BE invisible. It's a dichotomy.

The thing I most want to say to you is this: you're amazing. You're an inspiration to me and lots of other people, and that's only more true BECAUSE you have days when you aren't always full of butterflies and rainbows. If you were, you'd be full of poop and would just annoy us! Seriously, thank you for sharing so honestly, for being so encouraging, and for being here.

One day at a time, one bite at a time, you're getting there. NEVER GIVE UP!

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KITHKINCAID 8/17/2010 3:28PM

    Esther - the extra attention is coming because you absolutely deserve it. It is BECAUSE you are not perfect and you struggle. None of us are here because we want to see how perfect people lose weight. Commiserating with each other makes us feel like we are not alone - and I truly believe that that is why Spark works while other programs do not. I am truly thankful that I found your page. You have said so much just in this one blog that I can relate to, that plugs my brain most days, and that I just want to reach out and hug you for. I also have a LONG way to go - I may be one of the 280 pounders right now, but I'm 5'2" and wanted to punch my nutritionist in the face when she told me my goal weight should be 115. Seriously? My personal goal is 135 - and even that seems completely unimaginable to me, so to add another 20 pound loss to that just discouraged me so much that I almost ran to Burger King right then and there. But reading blogs like yours and others prevented that trip to BK, and subsequent trips since. I am lonely too. Very lonely. It also comes from a past fraught with unhealthy relationships to food. I was lucky in that my parents are both wonderful and I have a very loving family - but that does not leave them without blame - no one faults you or me for being angry with your family. It's not all your fault. You've admitted the part of it that is, and just being here is admission and acceptance of that blame - but other people DID contribute to your relationships with food, so you're allowed to blame them too! I too am TERRIFIED about losing weight. Same story - never been small. No idea what it feels like. But I do know what it feels like to be 35 pounds heavier, and all I know is that I don't want to go back there. One step at a time. We're here and we're doing this - but we're each doing it at our own speed, and that's a beautiful thing. Thank you for your blog and for being you - because that's all you can be and that's what we all love.

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 8/17/2010 3:20PM

    I love your honesty. It's really hard to think these things, let alone write them down for all to see. This journey is hard enough without all that "stuff" in your head. And you're right... a lot, if not most, of us have versions of this in our heads as well. I can't imagine how hard it is to be put in the spot light, so to speak, of being "SP motivator" or all of a sudden having all these friends looking up to you for motivation and support and guidance, or what ever. You're not perfect and we're not perfect. I fully expect someone going through all of this to have those days where "I don't want to" seems to be their mantra... gaining a few pounds, not logging onto sp for a week. These are things that make us all human. We're all here for the same reason and I think that's why people reach out to those that have "been there, done that." 100lbs is a huge accomplishment, regardless of how much more you want to lose. You're an amazing person for sharing with other sparkies... you photos, your blogs, your life. We love and respect you. Know that we're all here and support you and all of your feelings.
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SURCH1 8/17/2010 3:13PM

    WOW! I can totally relate to where you are coming from!!! I have to share my original fears with the gym a year ago... I was taking a boot camp and kept thinking that everyone was looking at me saying "What is that fat chick doing?? "Why does she think she can compete the class with all those other skinny people?" And then after doing the hour long training session from h*ll I realized that they weren't thinking that at all. As I looked at their eyes and expressions it was more of an admiration that they had for me. Because they weren't strong enough or confident enough in themselves to do what I was doing. Plus I did have a few people, from the class, (the skinny girls) tell me how well I was doing. And my trainer said she had people come up to her after the class to compliment me. You have to remember that you are there to make yourself better! You CANNOT worry about what others are thinking. You pay your membership just like them and you have as much of a right as they do to be in there!!! I see myself working harder now, a year later and almost 60 lbs lighter, when the gym is busy. I am proving to myself (and sometimes to them) that I can do it and I do deserve to be there.

You are allowed to feel you disappointments... we all do... but just remember to get back up! You are amazing!!! I could touch on each of your confessions and misconceptions, but I won't... Just know that you are NOT alone... and by me reading your blog today, I was able to realize that I am not alone either!

You are strong & you deserve to be the skinny friend!! (So do I, for that matter - lol) I was just telling a friend a few weeks ago about how I was scared to be skinny... so I'm glad to know we can go through this together! We don't live too far apart - maybe sometime we could meet up at Hocking Hills and go for a walk!

Hang in there girl!!!! emoticon emoticon

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RUNNINGNP2B 8/17/2010 3:00PM

    It's tough this biznass of weight loss, no matter the starting weight. It's a decision to change our comfort zone to absolutely no comfort zone, and making the daily right decisions. I commend anyone who can do this and not go insane.

You, my sweet friend, are awesome. Here are some reasons:

1. You crack us all up on the boards.
2. You rally around those who need a pick me up on a daily basis, which is greatly appreciated.
3. You have had great success! Yes, you've been on Spark for 4 months. It ain't easy, and would you like to see bigger number drops, sure, who wouldn't? But if you hadn't started at all, where would you be now? Same weight as 4 months ago, if not more. Take pride in all you're doing girl, it's all coming off.
4. We all have our own misconceptions about ourselves due to our body weight, the looks we get in the gym, the way our clothes get tight or loose...but rarely do we open a blog about it to share with others. Because you discussed this you have challenged others to do the same with their misconceptions. You make people think and question, which has an impact on their lives. Not many people can say or do that. Only ones who are secure with themselves.
5. I lob you and that is all.

You are amazing. Never forget that.

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CHICAT63 8/17/2010 2:35PM

    It is weird that you posted this blog, in the last week and weekend I sorta felt the same way.

Confession #1: Oh, Sista you are not alone. You are not perfect, I am not perfect, no one is perfect. We are here for all different reasons. You are entitled to a bad day, hey, my husband sometimes says I have a bad week ! Do not let all this attention get to you. We love ya !


Confession #2: Again Sista I can so relate, I have always been the fat friend. I have never been a bridesmaid to my skinny friends. I have an identical twin sister who at one point weighed 150 pounds less than me – yep a whole other person! At our Grandmother’s funeral my Grandaunt “Oh, Josée she is the really Fat Twin over there.” Nowadays, there is a weight difference more or less 40 pounds but I do not care anymore.

The Gym, I have always been the big girl at the gym. Funny though, I can run non-stop for 35 minutes, I can leg press 280 pounds. Who frigging cares you are there for YOU and in the long run you will be healthier than most. What is the most important is that you are doing something for your health & wellness now get'out of my way my Sista is comin'to train. Do not use the word exercise, you train and you train hard !

As for men losing weight, very frustrating I know they decide: “Oh, I am going to cut this out, drink more water, etc. “and voilà they lose 5 to 7 pounds a week. Enough said.

Confession #4:

Hear ye, hear ye. I have been overweight since I was 9 years old. Never know a healthy BMI even after I lose 100 pounds still will be considered obese. Started out at 252 and now 182, I would have to get down to 126 to be considered a healthy BMI will I get there nope not without surgery and it is not an option. I was never chosen in school sports, I have had my share of being used. You are not alone but together we can do this.

Confession #5:

I might not weigh 300 pounds, at my heaviest I was 287, which is pretty close to 300, and I am barely 5 feet tall. I started out on Sparks at 252; people only started noticing after I had lost 50 pounds. Hence, also my smaller twin, at family gatherings she would lose 5 pounds and my family would comment how hard she worked, or how great she looked. At this past Easter no one in my extended family said anything which we seldom see.

One thing I realized on this journey, is not to compare myself with others as it can hinder your progress. No one person can lose the same, i.e. the men in our life *lol*. We tend to compare each other but no two people are the same, not even my twin & I.Just last night I tried on a skirt that I wore when I met my husband five years ago thinking Oh, I have lost 69.5 pounds I will float in it.....nope the hips are still snug, my tush area also. Nonetheless, the waist and stomach is much too loose.

As others have said you can do this, and I will look forward of reading your article one day or your success stories because Sista if you go through some pages here on Sparks some members have lost over 200 pounds without surgery.

Keep on Sparkin' Sista ! Josée
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MERAINA 8/17/2010 2:28PM

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Awesome!

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BOGUSANNIE 8/17/2010 2:15PM

    Great read...thanks for sharing...

Can I tell you a secret?

I have only been the 'fat' friend for about 5 years or so, perhaps less...I have never broke 200 lbs (198) ...and that was at my highest...typically I was always 110 lbs...for a very long time...

I want you to know something, as a skinny person...everything you feel today...I have felt my ENTIRE life...and I was skinny...the pressure to be skinny...I never had a good childhood either, I was too skinny at some points in my life...all of the loneliness, the pressure the eating issues...it still exists as a skinny person....the truth is...what you feel, isn't JUST because of your weight...it's because of your upbringing...weight is simply your symptom...as it is mine...two extremes the same cause.

It's not always greater on the other side...same S&^T, different pile...the feelings are all the same...

Be strong Sweety...it's a rough battle, but one well worth fighting...and I think we don't hear about 300lb losses, because I think at that point, people just aren't as willing to change as you are...people simply give up.

So one day, you'll be on the cover of Woman's Health or Woman's Day or something...telling us all YOUR story...I can't wait to read it!

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LOOKY-LOU 8/17/2010 1:52PM

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ADVENTURE-GIRL 8/17/2010 12:47PM

    This is wonderfully written and I am so glad that you got these feelings out. I am sure just writing it will be make you stronger. I think this is going to help a lot of people who feel the same way. I know I can relate. I bet that weight gain is temporary (maybe water weight?). Just keep doing what your doing and it will be gone in no time.
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DLEE27 8/17/2010 12:32PM

    Hey sugar,

Firstly, I am your friend because you are hilarious, smart, kind, honest, interesting, and a great friend to me. I'd be your friend in the world outside of Spark too if I could because you are a genuinely awesome person!
Secondly, losing 300 pounds does sound like a big job. And you're right, we don't hear about that happening all that often. And I imagine that it would be an extremely daunting goal to try to undertake. But you don't have to lose 300 pounds. You just have to lose 1 pound, 300 times. That's not impossible at all. If 300 sounds like way too much, just worry about the next 50, or 20, or whatever. A pound is a pound. Whether it was the 3rd, 30th, or 300th.
Lastly, big hugs! I'm sorry that you're having a sad day and I wish that we could make you feel better because we love ya!!!!

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-JENSSPARK- 8/17/2010 12:29PM

    Very well said. I get everything you are saying in here. I wish things were different and I was reading this as someone that doesn't get it, but unfortunately, I do. Thanks for saying the things that we're all thinking. Great blog once again!

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YOOVIE 8/17/2010 12:25PM

    1. "I just want you all to understand that I love the love you've shown me, but I hope you realize that I am in no way perfect." They won't listen to you.

2. Why do you think you have the market cornered on being the fat friend? we are all the fat friends. You don't get to keep that title for youself.

3. at least a metabolism is easier to fix than a wounded heart- and there's like... science involved. Sorry- I'm no good at the love stuff.

4. me too girlfriend. I feel naked all the time. But something fun that doesn't matter if you are in a bikini or a parka? squeezing through small places. OMG sometimes I just want to run back and forth behind the boxes inteh warehouse.

Also- the best thing is feeling light on your feet. You'll find yourself skipping up on to curbs, the last couple stairs, or taking them two at a time. Gravity seems to be less important. Hang on to that lovely thought instead of the never wear a bikini thought.

5. losing 10% of your body weight is hard, no matter wha tyou weigh. sigh....

well! let's get to it!

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LUCYSUNFLOWER 8/17/2010 12:11PM

    You are so amazing - I may not share your weight and your goals, but so much of what you have inside is similar to what's inside me too. I suspect we all feel lonely and isolated from the rest of the world at times and some more than others.

I have been the family oddball forever, and even though they need me, they also need to define me as odd. That gave a child a very bad message. I also don't remember my childhood. I have bits and pieces and sometimes something will trigger other memories, but basically it's all a blank. A therapist worked with me a long time on current issues and told me that it was unlikely anything bad happened to me. He said I probably had a very gray childhood - each day much like the other and saddled under emotional responsibility and anxiety far too heavy for a little girl.

This healthy journey we are on cannot help but raise old issues - some of those issues are settled around our thighs, middles and butt cheeks!! We can do this - YOU are doing this. It might not feel good all the time and, ohholycrow, you're NOT doing it perfectly (thank you!), but YOU ARE DOING THIS. Keep at it for you. Your self-honesty has made me feel less lonely.

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SML1122 8/17/2010 11:34AM

    thank you for your honesty.

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HEALTHYASHLEY 8/17/2010 11:25AM

    When I started to get tons of attention I felt the SAME way. I got over a thousand emails in 1 week and all the sudden people are telling me how they look up to me and I even stopped checking my email because it was so overwhelming. I appreciated that people identify with me but it was a ton of pressure and I really haven't blogged much in the last week just because I am afraid to disappoint anyone. I realized that I just keep needing to do things the way I was before and do this for myself. I totally understand what you are going through right now. It is ok, it is ok to not be perfect. None of us are. Hugs

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RAVENSONG37 8/17/2010 11:15AM

    First of all, I am hugging you. Right now...squeeeeeeeze. Feel it?

Confession 1: You are the only one who matters in this whole world. You are motivational not because you are perfect, but because you are real. Because you sweat and cry and eat garbage and split your pants and walk 5kms and make hilarious comments about gardening and you feed your kids. You're on the journey with us. That's why we want to be your friend, why we read your blogs, why we nominate you as a motivator. If you can box and do zumba, and work your 2 jobs and love your family then dang it, I can get off the couch!

Confession 2: I get loneliness. Different reasons, but I get it. I'm always surprised when people like me. I'm learning tho, that absolutley nothing that comes from anyone else has anything to do with me, whether it's a jab, a compliment, a stare or a high five...it's all about the person who's doing it. (I'll be writing a blog about this soon...) The other thing I wanna say about this is...when you get stared at you tell yourself the story about what's going on in the other person's mind. Why not imagine that they are envious of your gorgeous hair, or think it's so effing cool that you are sweatin your booty off, or that they want to tell you how proud they are of you but don't wanna embarass you. You'll never know what they are actually thinking, so why not make it a fun game...like make those conversation bubbles over their heads! ie: "Ohh, that girl is fiiiiine! Is that natural?"

Confession 3: Craptastic stuff has happened to you. That blows, cuz you are amazing and totally don't deserve it. But it happened. You learned to believe terrible things about yourself and picked up some unhealthy habits along the way. But, what keeps you trapped there today? You can do anything you want to do. You can stay up as late as you want, watch whatever you want on t.v., eat anything you choose (Let me tell you how excited I was when I figured out I could buy any type of cereal I wanted at the store...when I was like 21!), you can wash your laundry and clean the toilet...or not! You alone keep your habits and behaviours going. I know I know, not that simple, right? But what if it IS that simple?

Confession 4: I feel ya. I'm nervous too. That what ifs, that I think you have read in my blogs are painful stumbling blocks for me. But you know what, I'm willing to take that chance cuz I know that how I feel know is hella better than how I felt then. I have stretch marks and extra skin and mushy spots...but I'd take those over painful, swollen, weak spots any day. Take it one step at a time and you never know how your bod will respond. Maybe you won't have that much extra skin, or maybe you'll have a way to get rid of some of it...you never know. You can mourn that little girl, but taking care of her, or focussing on her keeps you from loving the beautiful woman you are now. Give yourself the space and time to attend to her, but make sure you aren't neglecting that amazing chick inside of you today. AND, you will only never buy stuff off the rack if that's what you want. There is NO REASON...hear me, NO REASON why you will not succeed in anything.

Confession 5: I don't know what it's like to be over 300 pounds. I do know what it's like to wear a size 24. I don't know what it's like to lose over 100 pounds. I do know what it's like to be overwhelmed by "how much I have to lose". I guess what I'm saying is that the mental garbage is very similar in my mind as yours(...from all the telepathy I have coming from you ;)). Yes, the numbers are different but the self-talk, the insecurities, sound the same to me. My worst pain is the same as your worst pain. I'm curious if some of this talk is that mental garbage isolating you from your biggest fans: telling you lies about how no one understands you and how impossible your goals are. Babe...you can lose 300 pounds. Crap, you already lost so much. Take it one pound, one day at a time tho...of course you are overwhelmed by 200 pounds...I'm overwhelmed by 30. But you know what, you gotta lose 1 pound to lose 100 pounds.

Whatever you do Esther, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Put one bite in your mouth at a time. You are so loved...you can borrow some of my love and admiration of you for now if you want...I won't run low any time soon. Lastly, I'll leave you with a blurb from The Four Agreements by Ruiz. Take it or leave it.

"Everything we do is based on agreements we have made - agreements with ourselves, with other people, with God, with life. But the most important agreements are the ones we make with ourselves. In these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, how to behave, what is possible, what is impossible. One single agreement is not such a problem, but we have many agreements that come from fear, deplete our energy, and diminish our self-worth."

"In these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, how to behave, what is possible, what is impossible."


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KNOWMOREBBK 8/17/2010 11:03AM

    Yep... It's an emotional day. This was a really raw post, and that is what makes you an incredible motivator. I too can not remember much of my childhood. It's kind of weird isn't it? My family will bring up stories that start with, "Remember when you did that.." and I never remember. The funny thing is, I have a great memory otherwise. I think it's like when people are in shock. Maybe I was in shock for most of my childhood. Regardless, your childhood has given you the strength you have today. It is this strength that gives you the determination to push forward. You are not perfect Esther. You will fall off the track occasionally. But you are smart. I'll take smart over perfect any day of the week and twice on Sunday. You were smart enough to know when enough was enough. One day, in the not too far distant future, you will be able to say I lost 300 lbs. You will tell people that you did it one day at a time and one pound at a time.

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FLWRCHLD97 8/17/2010 10:49AM

    wow, i feel for you. i am sorry you feel you have pressure, your blogs do inspire and help others. and, for the record, i don't think you need to be perfect :-) i feel like i can relate to your story and struggles - because it's real (and because it's similar to my own life in ways). it's more real to me than reading about how i need to lose weight from someone who hasn't struggled with their weight since childhood (i too used to be skinny, in kindergarten!). i enjoy reading your blog...thank you for being honest and open with your life story

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HEATHER_TEACHAH 8/17/2010 10:41AM

    its so great that you got all of this out!! I am so proud of you for being honest and open (and not just w/ AB but all of spark!!)

I understand a lot of the things you are going through. I think that these thoughts/mental-blocks affect us no matter how much we have to lose... :)

way to go, Calorie Killa!! :)

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SASXONTHEMOVE 8/17/2010 10:38AM

    Esther, Super liked this! I think all of Spark needs to read this, not for the attention, but for the awareness of it.

((HUGS)) sweetie

this was a lot to write about I'm proud of you.

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MAGPIE17 8/17/2010 10:35AM

    Hugs, Esther! I still think you're doing wonderfully, and we can see the effort you're putting into everything! Don't worry too much about the scale being unkind for a day (I'd say don't worry, period, but we all know that's never going to happen for any of us!). I hope today gets better soon!

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DAVISMDAWN 8/17/2010 10:33AM

    Amen Girl! I feel all of the above plus some of my own little demons. I started at 305 and it is all so surreal when I tell people I've lost 47lbs and they are so excited and wowed by it all. I see myself and say it still isn't near enough and I have a long way to go. I have a goal to lose only 1 person unlike your self wanting to lose 2 whole people. I want you to keep on moving and tracking. You are a beautiful person with supportive family and try to block out the rest on the outside.

We are all allowed bad days but the difference now is that we don't let it guide us off track forever. Tomorrow we jump right back on the me train and go for it!

Love your inspiration and motivation

Dawn

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SUGIRL06 8/17/2010 10:25AM

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Thanks for sharing this with us! That is a lot to carry around with you and I hope writing it all out helps. I'm always here for you! My SP friends are just as important as any friend I have met in person to me! I'm glad to have you as one of them!! I hope your day gets better!
~Ang

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COMPASSLOST1 8/17/2010 10:18AM

    I think no matter what weight you start it, it is still an incredibly daunting task to lose weight. I started at 275 and I am at 210 now. I still feel like I am at 275 sometimes.After losing 65 pounds, I am STILL the biggest one in my family, STILL the biggest out of all of my friends, and it really is hard and frustrating. Just know that even though people aren't noticing every single pound, those pounds are STILL worth it. You are worth it. Never, ever, EVER give up, because you would only be giving up on yourself. I've stopped focusing so much on the overall goal and am just going to see where I feel happy with me. I've never been under 200 pounds, so once I get there, I am going to embrace it with open arms. You can do it, even if it takes you long than other people. I've been at a plateau for 4 months, but still haven't given up! Just think... you could be the "I lost 250 Pounds!" inspirational story that changes someone's life...

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SHELLYC2010 8/17/2010 10:14AM

    You are a motavior because you are not perfect. Because even thought you gained 8lbs your still here! Because people like me who think I can't do that at my size I'll do it when i'm ____ (choose your number) see some one like you do it makes us believe we can too. We all see in others the strengths we would like to see in ourselves and pray that we can find it within ourselves. I share your same hope and fear about getting skinny. I have worn Edweina for so long that she has become a very comfortable suit. Regardless of the comments from others, the things that I can't do, the places I can't go because of Edweina. Hang in there girl! You'll get there!!

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CAROLINAMUSED 8/17/2010 10:14AM

    This is a truly great post you've written. Your honesty, I hope, is healing for you - for that loss and pain you've felt and still react to.

In my life - I was the skinny kid in a fat family. I tried to gain weight to fit in but was still rejected by my mother. I saw at close quarters the pain of being obese; from my mother, who was addicted to prescribed weight loss pills (speed), to my older sister, who became diabetic and sustained heart damage from phen-fen, knowing it could cause damage, to my younger sister, who has fought clinical depression all her life, and has had bariatric surgery.

It is important for others to know what your experience has been. You're right, there is tremendous negative bias around obesity, and especially against extreme obesity. Seems to me that like anything else, understanding can only help. Your courage is so appreciated. I have to say that part of that perception of courage is BECAUSE you have moments of perceived failure, roadblocks, and despair - and you continue. You have not been praised for perfection, but for your humanness and your persistence... for working hard to transcend... Doing so is the high-water mark of human existence. You deserve the praise, if you will just believe it.

Carol

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CREATINGAMANDA 8/17/2010 10:13AM

    Confessions #1-4 ... I'm right there with you. Confession #5 ... I don't know what it feels like to be you. However we all have our own struggles with our bodies, plus all of the emotional baggage that comes with it. I think you're amazing!

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HEAVENSSHADOW 8/17/2010 10:11AM

    *hug*
I may not be a really big girl, but I understand the clean-plate club, and commiserate with you about being lonely, especially at home with the boy.
He munches all the time and has gained weight from it, but his ego is so much better than mine and I hate having to watch him wolf down anything he please while I chomp on my celer sticks. The fitness aspect is a lonely one....he used to be in football and heavy weight lifting, so since he's started going to the gym with me, his muscles memory has started to bounce back into place. I've never HAD muscle memory.

So, I understand. The road we walk is long and lonely, because it's our journey and no one else's. But it's nice to find people that celebrate that journey with us on our way to success. We're here with you, girlfriend. Rock your weightloss and whatever you do, DON'T GIVE UP!
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CAROLINAMUSED 8/17/2010 10:09AM

    This is a truly great post you've written. Your honesty, I hope, is healing for you - for that loss and pain you've felt and still react to.

In my life - I was the skinny kid in a fat family. I tried to gain weight to fit in but was still rejected by my mother. I saw at close quarters the pain of being obese; from my mother, who was addicted to prescribed weight loss pills (speed), to my older sister, who became diabetic and sustained heart damage from phen-fen, knowing it could cause damage, to my younger sister, who has fought clinical depression all her life, and has had bariatric surgery.

It is important for others to know what your experience has been. You're right, there is tremendous negative bias around obesity, and especially against extreme obesity. Seems to me that like anything else, understanding can only help. Your courage is so appreciated. I have to say that part of that perception of courage is BECAUSE you have moments of perceived failure, roadblocks, and despair - and you continue. You have not been praised for perfection, but for your humanness and your persistence... for working hard to transcend... Doing so is the high-water mark of human existence. You deserve the praise, if you will just believe it.

Carol

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CALLIKIA 8/17/2010 10:04AM

    NYO - thank you for the perspective. I didn't mean to offend (if that's even the word you were going for)...I guess I just felt like it was just me. I spend so much time looking at pages where people are like - Lost 10 pounds! I rock! Everyone says I look great! That it's been getting to me. It helps to know it's not just me, and that I'm looking at it all wrong. I honestly (from the depths, girl) appreciate you setting me straight.

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MSBLT82 8/17/2010 10:03AM

    I hope you feel a bit better having blogged about it. :)

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KARVY09 8/17/2010 9:58AM

    We all have these days, hun. I hope that getting all of that out helped you and that your spirits are lifted throughout the day. Your AB and Spark gals are with you, and even if we don't understand what it was like to be 400 lbs or what it's like to be Esther.

You're an amazing woman and just because you motivate us, doesn't mean you can't have your emotional moments too.
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NEWYORKORCHIDS 8/17/2010 9:56AM

  Confession #1: When you live your life under a microscope, everything is magnified, including your feelings. The key is to block it out. And it's difficult and you feel all sorts of pressure, but you're usually the one putting the most pressure on yourself.

Confession #2: I'm not friends with anyone I don't want to be friends with - fat or not. I don't see things like weight or color or sexual preference. I see personality and I see heart - and that's what I judge my friends on.

Confession #3: My husband's family was Clean Plate Club members - that's how he got up to 300-350. My father was a Clean Plate Dictator - and if you didn't eat it all for dinner (after 12 am was quitting time), then you ate it for breakfast, if you didn't eat it for breakfast...well, you get the idea.

Confession #4: I'm scared that I'll never be skinny enough. I'm terrified that I might become obsessed with losing weight and not be able to stop.

Confession #5: I'll be honest and say that I find this one a bit...offensive's not the right word, but it doesn't really sit well with me. I realize that you have a bunch more weight to lose than me, and that it's going to take you longer which will include more time to second guess yourself and question yourself, but I wanted to clear a few things up about my body.

I started out at 221 and I was a size 18. I now weigh 180-something and I'm only a size 16. That's one pant size in thirty-ish pounds.

Also - no one, and I do mean no one has recognized that I have lost weight. That's not completely true - no one that I haven't told (and I haven't told many) has recognized that I've lost weight. I don't know if it's because I'm wearing the same clothes or because people at work see me every day and can't discern between yesterday and today or because it just doesn't look like I have - but, yes, it's frustrating.

And from my husband, who was once one of us, skinny is: "...it's the best feeling in the world when someone looks at you and you know it's not because you're fat. You know it's for some reason, any other reason besides that. Even a booger hanging out of your nose or your fly being down is better than being stared at because you're a fatty. It's a common stare - it's a stare that everyone would get - not just the State Marshmallow Puff Man."

Big hugs Calorie Killa.

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The 5-Miler That Wasn't

Monday, August 16, 2010

So even though I blogged and had every intention of squeezing out that 5 mile training walk this weekend, it simply didn't happen. Maybe it was fear. Maybe it was lack of motivation. Maybe it was being sick or TOM or the sun. Whatever it was, it just didn't happen.

Friday was great. I packed up my youngest and took him with me to the gym (they have a playroom for the kids so the parents can get some workout time in). He got a chance to see me box and walk the indoor track, but it was a one time deal considering the rules of the gym state that until he's 10 he has to stay in that playroom the whole time, except for potty breaks. I did 30 minutes on the stationary bike (and wowie! my hips were hurting after!) and then got in 15 minutes of boxing (getting faster on the speedbag) followed by a full round of ST, including an extra machine - the seated bench press.

Saturday is where is all started falling apart. First of all, let me tell you that waking up at 6am is not my idea of a good time on a Saturday. But we got up and got everyone ready and headed to Mineral Wells/Parkersburg for the football scrimmage. Ethan somehow got taken off his defensive spot (no clue why) and was only on offense as a left or right guard. In 4 hours I got to see my boy play probably 15 minutes (in 3 five-minute increments). It was quite...well, annoying. I spent much of the time avoiding the sun, which started out alright when we planted ourselves next to two of those canopy things. In the early morning hours this worked out well as the sun was slanted in from the other side and we enjoyed the shade most of the time. But as the time passed and the sun rose higher in the sky, we ended up in full sun. And while I loved the coolness of the heavy breeze blowing in, it made it nearly impossible for us to seek shelter under the umbrella I had. By hour 3 I was starting to feel the effects of the sun, even though I slathered myself in SPF 50 no less than 3 times while we were there, I ended up feeling sick to my stomach in the last 20 minutes or so.

By the time we left the game Ethan was begging for food and instead of pulling out the ingredients of a healthy sandwich (which we had packed and had ourselves enjoyed while watching him), I pulled through the Wendy's drive-thru. (BAD!) I ended up munching on french fries and a small chocolate frosty on the way home (figured out later that my calories were too low that morning and I was starving for some sort of food!). (BAD again!) I got home with only one goal in mind - time in the water at the lake. It wasn't until I sat down to wait for Logan to find his swimming trunks that I realized I was exhausted. But I took them anyhow, because I had promised them this and I knew if we stayed home I wouldn't be active.

Fast forward to another application of sunscreen and another 2 hours in the sun (and water) and by the time I got home I had just enough energy to undress and crash on the bed. Woke up two hours later feeling the effects of what I can only assume was sun poisoning. It really didn't make much sense to me...the sunburn on my shoulders was just a soft pink, barely there at all, but perhaps my already tanned skin masked the visual effects a little. I know this feeling of too much sun, growing up a fair-skinned redhead you learn quickly that sunscreen is your friend and that it doesn't always help.

Sunday I woke up not feeling so hot, but still intent upon getting my 5 miles in...later...when it cooled down a bit. Around noon my oldest and I tried to tackle the garden a bit, but after 30 minutes I got a severe dizzy spell and knew that I needed to lay down. I went inside and stayed dizzy and sick the rest of the day. Everytime I got up I felt like the room was spinning. Half the time I was laying down and closing my eyes it felt like *I* was spinning. It was NOT a good feeling. And I ended up laying on the couch in front of the fan, sweating from the heat and humidity, angry, upset, and confused, and DIZZY! Hubs grabbed some Chinese for dinner, which I proceeded to eat too much of, and then I had a pumpkin white chocolate chunk cookie as we watched movie after movie on the TV until bedtime.

This morning my shoulders still feel like they're on fire. I had horrible dreams last night that kept waking me up and I overslept and missed a little work this morning. I'm trying to push through, but I just feel emotionally and physically drained.

I'm pretty darn good at doing what I'm supposed to do even if it hurts, (I would've never gotten through 3 whole years of FT school + FT work + PT work if I wasn't) but all I keep waiting for is a break. It feels a lot like work right now with this training schedule and I can't wait to go back to it feeling a little more fun. Once this 10k business is over, I'm giving myself some time off from training. I'll still do the 5ks, because I know I can. I'll still walk as much as possible so that I'm prepped for them, but I can't stick to suck a strict schedule all the time. Sometimes, it just has to be fun. Sometimes I just have to have that feeling that the gym is my jewelry box and I can wear whatever I want to make myself feel pretty, sexy, and accomplished.

My five miles didn't happen, but I have another go-round scheduled for Wednesday and I'll get it done somehow. I'm planning on trying to get more sleep this week so that I don't feel so drained in the morning. That's going to be a challenge considering I work until 6pm and don't usually get to the gym until 7pm, but I've got to make it work somehow. It's going to be a go home, eat, shower, bed kinda week. Ethan's first game is on Saturday (thankfully, not until 5pm!) and I can't wait to see him get a little more game time (I hope! They just have SO many players and they're trying to get everyone in...).

I know what you're thinking - I should work out in the morning. Yea, that doesn't usually work for me. I am NOT a morning person and I already get up at 5:30am just to get myself ready to leave the house by 7am for work. (I commute nearly an hour to work...) Maybe I can give this a go again soon, but first I need to focus on that one goal - the 10k. What's more...I need to focus on one part of that goal first - 5 miles. It sounds so daunting and time consuming, and that's part of what is scaring me off. I know in my heart I can do it, I'm just plain scared of it, and angry with it for some reason. Time to focus and make it happen anyway, I'll deal with the rest of it later.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SURCH1 8/17/2010 2:51PM

    It's no fun feeling under the weather. You can do it!!! 5 Miles will seem like nothing before too long!!! Hang in there girl and you'll be breezing through the finish line at the 10K... Keep it up!!!

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TEAM-SARAH 8/16/2010 5:57PM

    I'm sorry that you felt so crappy!! You did what you could though, some days just arent meant for exercise. Those 5 miles are there for you to walk whenever you are ready!

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RAVENSONG37 8/16/2010 4:37PM

    I'm sorry you are feeling so crummy! Take time to heal honey. And this thing about training...it's at your own pace...so if you aren't up for 5 miles yet, do 4.5 or 4. Exercise (even training!) doesn't work if it's a burden. Give yourself permission to take time off training for a bit if you need to...there will always be another 10km walk. Just make sure you are doing something healthy, even if that means sleeping and logging in here. I love you and hope you are feeling better SOON!

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JGOARING 8/16/2010 2:19PM

    Sounds like an exhausting weekend -- don't beat yourself up for missing your run. Your blog sounds so familiar to me! I am training for a Half Marathon and I am just getting a bit tired of it all -- feels like work and the longer runs are torture! I got in my 8.8 miles yesterday but it was supposed to be 9.5 miles and the rest of the day I just felt ouchy and sore and it was hard to sleep last night because I couldn't find a way to be comfortable even with ibuprofen on board... but on the flip side, I feel much better today and I survived it! I will have to tell myself this next time I don't want to go.

I am also not a morning person at all (I work graveyard shift for goodness sakes!) so my ideal workout time is about 10AM... not always ideal for fitting in other things... but it works for me most of the time... I have been known to put it off all day and then I am working my tail off in my dining room (aka workout room) at 8:30pm with the kids all up and bothering me the whole time... BLAH. But my goal is not to miss any scheduled day and I plan for 1 rest day per week (plus one day which I only play indoor soccer int he evening so it feels like a rest day too... :))

Sorry to ramble on -- just thought I'd say you are NOT alone out there... it is hard for everyone, a lot of the time. But totally worth it in the end!!

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 8/16/2010 1:07PM

    Listen to your body it knows best. Sun poisoning can really knock the wind out of your sales (blonde hair blue eyes, I feel you with the sun screen). Do what you can, the best that you can, that's all you can ask from your body. Fast Food happens; you can't be 100% perfect all the time.

You have this 5 miles, I know you can do it.

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HARMONYBLUE 8/16/2010 12:58PM

    I Love, love, love the jewelry box analogy and I would be careful about trading having fun working out and losing weight for a single event (10K). With that said, I think you'll do fine if you are careful of the sun!

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SUGIRL06 8/16/2010 12:44PM

    The sun always makes me tired too! Its best to listen to your body which you did so good job!!! And I hear you about the training! I wish it was over already so I could do whatever I want!!! But at least it keeps me busy. Like this weekend I am super busy AND I have an 11 mile run to do! If I didn't have to do that run, I probably would be "too busy" to work out at all (excuse) so I guess in that way, its a good thing? But there are days where I just wanna do Zumba instead of running! Or something else equally fun. When is your 10K?
~Ang

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SFGRUNNER 8/16/2010 12:36PM

    Yep, too much sun is rough on the body. Glad you listened and took it easy. Hydrate like crazy the next few days and you'll get your energy back!

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CUATROMOMMY 8/16/2010 12:21PM

    Yep, the heat got to you and the best thing for you to do was take it easy. You listened to your body...yay you!!!

Perhaps your fear is what is keeping you resistant to the 10K. I don't know if this will help, but maybe you can be like the little train that could & just keep saying "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can" and give it your best.

Good luck in whatever you do today. You may still need some rest, so don't beat yourself up if that's what you end up doing.

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KARVY09 8/16/2010 12:18PM

    I'm glad you listened to your body and rested!

I like the idea of the gym as a jewelry box. Go have fun! Definitely don't do it out of a feeling of obligation because that's a great way to get sick and tired of it!

Hope you are feeling better today!

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KITHKINCAID 8/16/2010 12:17PM

    Ugh - I hear your sun poisoning pain - it was a rough weekend for that! Thankfully today it has cooled off immensely where I am and I was able to get a run in this morning and actually be cool when I ended it. Sending cooler weather vibes your way for the 5-miler!

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BOGUSANNIE 8/16/2010 11:56AM

    BAD sun girl!!! sun stroke and heat stroke is evil...I know all too well those evils, being fair and red headed myself...well a lot of grey now...but typically red...LOL

I know how you feel, a few weeks ago I was sunburned so badly that I couldn't bend my knees to even run, i missed a few, rescheduled and got back on track...so today is a new day and you keep on moving I tell ya!!!

Now...stay the hell out of the sun!!!
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CHICAT63 8/16/2010 11:35AM

    Sounds like you had a sunstroke & dehydration; not good I know. So you ate some Wendy, psst that's how you grow. You have to fail in some order to pratice being good but then again Bad girls have all the fun *lol*. Don't knock yourself down, days like that happen. Today is an another day, always look forward & not back.

Here to a great week.....Josée

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Comment edited on: 8/16/2010 11:36:00 AM

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