Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Ignore this...look over there...
Oh, and for your information - it's really no wonder Stella got her groove back...
Wouldn't you if you had that standing next to you and smiling at ya??
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
The AB team has a forum thread with this exact title and I feel like I should honor it here. It's time to get real, my homies! (Sorry...just watched RAVENSONG gansta dance it out...got me in a mood.)
As much as I try to set an example...as much as I want to be noticed and recognized for my accomplishments, I've been experiencing a bit of a freak out moment over all the attention lately. This is no disrespect to anyone who has friended me recently, who has posted on previous blogs, who has nominated me for Spark Motivator, or anything of the sort. This is also not a call to be left alone (see Confession #2). What this is is me fessing up. When you feel like the world is watching you, it's SO HARD not to feel the pressure to stay perfect. I just want you all to understand that I love the love you've shown me, but I hope you realize that I am in no way perfect. I am still morbidly obese, even after 100 pounds lost...and I have a ways to go before I get under that. I still get attacked by the "IDUNWANNA"s and the "SCREWTHIS"s from time to time, usually once a week. And right now, in this moment, I'm pissed because the scale tells me that by going off track one day I gained something like 8 pounds. In one day! GRRR! So don't be upset or surprised when your SP Motivators have bad days...remember that we're struggling right along with you and we can't always be rainbows and butterflies happy and on point.
I feel lonely - a lot! As much as I'm surrounded here on Spark by people fighting the same battle, I often feel like I've only been accepted into the "club" because it's PC to do so. No disrespect to any of my Spark Friends, as corny as it sounds (but it's true) - it's not you, it's me. I've spent my life as the fat friend, and I've often felt like I was "kept around" so that I could make those around me feel better about themselves. Me and friends rarely work out for very long because they find other (skinnier) girls they can relate to better. I've never been in a friend's wedding, even the friend I knew since the age of about 6. And I always felt like it's because they would hate to ruin their wedding pictures with the huge girl taking up all the space on the end. (And because finding a dress to fit me would screw up all the other bridesmaid dresses.) It's a source of discomfort to admit it, but that's how it feels to be the fat friend. (And I'm sure many of you have felt this from time to time.)
I also feel very lonely at the gym. I get stared at a lot. Sometimes I get a smile like, "You go girl!" and other times it's the look of, "What the hell are YOU doing here? You're going to break the friggin' machine!" (which I do worry about all the time, btw) I often wish I could bring my support system with me (husband, kids), but hard as I try, hubs is not interested in bulking up and making himself into a lean machine. Hubs thinks he looks great and has no self-esteem issues. And when his gut grows a little too big for his liking, he simply cuts back a bit on his eating of sweets and he's good to go again. (I'm so jealous of his wonderful self-esteem and ability to self-regulate like that!) So until anything changes, I'm alone there just doing the best I can, Spark Friend comments in my ear pushing me on. (Which is why I love the support, no matter what I said in Confession #1.)
See Confession #5 for more on why I feel "lonely" at times.
It took a long time for me to start taking credit for my own weight problems, but I still honestly believe that some of that blame should be shared. I went from a tiny little thing before the age of four to the fatty by age five. (My mother tells me that people used to ask her if she ever fed me because I was so skinny. She said I was more interested in playing than I was in food. Food, back then, was only used as fuel to sustain my childhood energy. --Oh how I wish I could've held onto that habit!!) The only thing that changed? My father came home...from prison. My father was...hrm, how do I put this nicely?...a big jerk. He believed me to be the reason for all of his problems most days, and while he treated my older sister like she was his pride and joy, I was the girl he wanted to hide (bury?) in the basement. I always got the distinct feeling growing up that life for my parents and sister would improve 100-fold if I simply did not exist.
ACK! I'm not going for the sympathy vote here, I'm just trying to explain. I remember very little from my childhood -- VERY, VERY little!, and no one really knows why -- but I remember that meals were to be finished. Clean platers club was 100% necessary because we didn't have the money for food to begin with and me, the little brat, was not going to waste what we did have. I distinctly remember being about 16 years old (after my father was finally kicked out of the house) and sitting at the dinner table staring at my plate, anxious and nervous because I was full and there was still more left on my plate to be cleared... and my mother looks over and says to me, "Esther, you don't have to eat it if you don't want it." At 16 years old I was finally given permission to stop when I was full, but the damage was done. Bad eating habits were learned and I stuck with them. I still have trouble leaving food on my plate (I had this problem just last night until Hubs offered to finish it for me...and I thanked him for finishing my food so I wouldn't. How sad is that?)
I know a big part of this is me, but a bigger part (and the hardest part to fess up to, because people don't like to hear that someone else is to blame for a problem like this) is that I was taught these behaviors and I have to take the time to unlearn them. This is a big reason why I'm so big on our boys learning to feed themselves properly, learning to stop when they're full and learning that we can save the rest for later and still not be wasteful. They say that children are born with this instinct to eat right, and as parents we have to let them develop it. Is it any wonder that my metabolism is shot to hell and I have so many issues with food?
I'm very nervous about losing weight. I have never been skinny (okay, when I was 4, but seriously, I don't remember it AT ALL!) and I don't know what it feels like. I imagine it's wonderful, but I have no idea. I have asked my husband more than a dozen times on random occassions, "What does it feel like to be skinny?" and he has no idea how to answer the question because he doesn't understand what it feels like to NOT be skinny.
And sometimes I mourn the little girl that never got to learn what it was like to be treated nicely in school. Sometime I mourn the little girl that felt left out and stepped on everywhere, even at home. My mom is my rock, but she couldn't stop my father's anger, so I was rarely treated as anything even remotely special, except in still quiet moments with my mom away from everyone.
So while I'm so glad to be losing the weight, and I DO want to know what it's like to walk in a store and buy jeans off the rack, I'm scared that it will never happen...and I'm scared that it will. I don't know what skinny feels like. And I don't know if my body will EVER look acceptable because I have spent my entire life stretching skin that will likely never go back - EVER. That seems a little sad to me, knowing that I can never strut around in a bikini. So, yes, I'm scared to be skinny sometimes.
This is for all my really big girls out there, EDIT: or for any of you that have ever felt this way...
First of all, I know you might feel like nobody really understands what it's like to be you. There are people out there, but sometimes it feels like they are few and far between. (Of course, it could be just me.)
Pro - We can work less on exercise and fitness and lose more. Because our weight is so high, burning calories comes easy and quickly because it takes our bodies SO MUCH just to move. So we can start out super small and get away with it.
Con - We have to lose a lot more weight to have our efforts noticed by those around us. Generally they say that for those carrying a considerable amount of extra weight, you will have to lose 30 pounds before anyone starts to notice. By 40 we really start getting attention for it. So while skinnier girls can rock a 10 pound weight loss and get stares and smiles from admirers around them, we have to fight a little more to get the recognition.
Con - We face every day the fact that we have SO MUCH MORE to lose than most of you. I cannot tell you how many days I sit here wishing I was "only" 280 pounds. (I know that sounds rediculous, but it's how I think sometimes.) When I joined Spark I refused to put in my actual goal weight in my ticker. Why? Because it seemed so daunting. I came in at 416.2, and my goal would be about 160. For those keeping track, that's a weight loss of 256 pounds! That's not just losing a person, that's losing a fat person, or two skinny chicks. So please understand when we our energy or motivation falls, that 9 times out of 10, it's because we realize in our hearts that the number we need to lose is so huge...and it's really hard to ever imagine us losing that much weight. Even in magazines we read of people who brag, "I lost over 100 pounds!" but I rarely see one (in fact, I'm not sure I ever have) that says, "I lost 250 pounds!" If you want to get really picky, if I EVER get to 160, I will have lost a total of 300 pounds. I have never seen that done by a woman without medical intervention. Daunting. Heavy. Tiring to realize.
Con - When some people start to lose weight, they seem to drop a pant size every month or two. But when you start out really big, dropping pants sizes comes VERY slow (I'm hoping this is just at first). I have been here for 4 months (tomorrow is my 4 month SparkVersary) and am barely down from a 30 to a 28...barely. And the other day I was heart broken when a pair of my new 28s split a rip down the front. (These shorts were "distressed" already, and I would have never bought them if they hadn't been the only size 28 shorts in the store. A word to the wise - do not buy distressed jeans if you're a big girl and/or if they're tight and you're trying to shrink into them.) This whole pants size thing is especially true when you've reached the point to where you're only really buying elastic waist pants. You'll wear these for a WHILE before ever needing a smaller size, it seems.
For the really big girls out there, I'm with you. I understand. My heart yearns for us both/all to feel those same triumps others feel. We may have to work longer and harder for it, and our bodies might look a little different in the end, but just think of what we can say we've accomplished when all is said and done! Talk about taking inspiration and motivation to the next level!
Alright, so there they are - five confessions of things that have been haunting my mind. Today is an emotional day. I woke up late. I didn't finish my workout last night because hubs called and wanted me home so we could go out to dinner as a family. The scale says I'm back up to 368 (which friggin' blows dude, I hate this crap!). I'm back here at work for another forever-long day. And that stupid 5-miler is tomorrow. The lateness of waking up led me to the McDonald's line for breakfast and will force me to go out and get something for lunch. *sigh* Emotions are running high and I'm trying to deal.
EDITED for misconceptions *I* made. Not afraid to admit I am wrong...and it feels good to know it's not just me.
EDIT #2: Please know that this is not meant to discredit any of you for your weight loss efforts, even if you only have 10 pounds to lose. I know the way is hard for everyone, I just wanted to fess up to the crap cluttering my mind today. I do NOT think your weight loss is anything but extraordinary, because it's all so hard to fight physiology and society. I'm starting to understand that #5 is my biggest misconception...and that more people understand than I've ever been willing to admit. And that's a really important lesson for me to learn, so thank you for your comments on this!
Monday, August 16, 2010
So even though I blogged and had every intention of squeezing out that 5 mile training walk this weekend, it simply didn't happen. Maybe it was fear. Maybe it was lack of motivation. Maybe it was being sick or TOM or the sun. Whatever it was, it just didn't happen.
Friday was great. I packed up my youngest and took him with me to the gym (they have a playroom for the kids so the parents can get some workout time in). He got a chance to see me box and walk the indoor track, but it was a one time deal considering the rules of the gym state that until he's 10 he has to stay in that playroom the whole time, except for potty breaks. I did 30 minutes on the stationary bike (and wowie! my hips were hurting after!) and then got in 15 minutes of boxing (getting faster on the speedbag) followed by a full round of ST, including an extra machine - the seated bench press.
Saturday is where is all started falling apart. First of all, let me tell you that waking up at 6am is not my idea of a good time on a Saturday. But we got up and got everyone ready and headed to Mineral Wells/Parkersburg for the football scrimmage. Ethan somehow got taken off his defensive spot (no clue why) and was only on offense as a left or right guard. In 4 hours I got to see my boy play probably 15 minutes (in 3 five-minute increments). It was quite...well, annoying. I spent much of the time avoiding the sun, which started out alright when we planted ourselves next to two of those canopy things. In the early morning hours this worked out well as the sun was slanted in from the other side and we enjoyed the shade most of the time. But as the time passed and the sun rose higher in the sky, we ended up in full sun. And while I loved the coolness of the heavy breeze blowing in, it made it nearly impossible for us to seek shelter under the umbrella I had. By hour 3 I was starting to feel the effects of the sun, even though I slathered myself in SPF 50 no less than 3 times while we were there, I ended up feeling sick to my stomach in the last 20 minutes or so.
By the time we left the game Ethan was begging for food and instead of pulling out the ingredients of a healthy sandwich (which we had packed and had ourselves enjoyed while watching him), I pulled through the Wendy's drive-thru. (BAD!) I ended up munching on french fries and a small chocolate frosty on the way home (figured out later that my calories were too low that morning and I was starving for some sort of food!). (BAD again!) I got home with only one goal in mind - time in the water at the lake. It wasn't until I sat down to wait for Logan to find his swimming trunks that I realized I was exhausted. But I took them anyhow, because I had promised them this and I knew if we stayed home I wouldn't be active.
Fast forward to another application of sunscreen and another 2 hours in the sun (and water) and by the time I got home I had just enough energy to undress and crash on the bed. Woke up two hours later feeling the effects of what I can only assume was sun poisoning. It really didn't make much sense to me...the sunburn on my shoulders was just a soft pink, barely there at all, but perhaps my already tanned skin masked the visual effects a little. I know this feeling of too much sun, growing up a fair-skinned redhead you learn quickly that sunscreen is your friend and that it doesn't always help.
Sunday I woke up not feeling so hot, but still intent upon getting my 5 miles in...later...when it cooled down a bit. Around noon my oldest and I tried to tackle the garden a bit, but after 30 minutes I got a severe dizzy spell and knew that I needed to lay down. I went inside and stayed dizzy and sick the rest of the day. Everytime I got up I felt like the room was spinning. Half the time I was laying down and closing my eyes it felt like *I* was spinning. It was NOT a good feeling. And I ended up laying on the couch in front of the fan, sweating from the heat and humidity, angry, upset, and confused, and DIZZY! Hubs grabbed some Chinese for dinner, which I proceeded to eat too much of, and then I had a pumpkin white chocolate chunk cookie as we watched movie after movie on the TV until bedtime.
This morning my shoulders still feel like they're on fire. I had horrible dreams last night that kept waking me up and I overslept and missed a little work this morning. I'm trying to push through, but I just feel emotionally and physically drained.
I'm pretty darn good at doing what I'm supposed to do even if it hurts, (I would've never gotten through 3 whole years of FT school + FT work + PT work if I wasn't) but all I keep waiting for is a break. It feels a lot like work right now with this training schedule and I can't wait to go back to it feeling a little more fun. Once this 10k business is over, I'm giving myself some time off from training. I'll still do the 5ks, because I know I can. I'll still walk as much as possible so that I'm prepped for them, but I can't stick to suck a strict schedule all the time. Sometimes, it just has to be fun. Sometimes I just have to have that feeling that the gym is my jewelry box and I can wear whatever I want to make myself feel pretty, sexy, and accomplished.
My five miles didn't happen, but I have another go-round scheduled for Wednesday and I'll get it done somehow. I'm planning on trying to get more sleep this week so that I don't feel so drained in the morning. That's going to be a challenge considering I work until 6pm and don't usually get to the gym until 7pm, but I've got to make it work somehow. It's going to be a go home, eat, shower, bed kinda week. Ethan's first game is on Saturday (thankfully, not until 5pm!) and I can't wait to see him get a little more game time (I hope! They just have SO many players and they're trying to get everyone in...).
I know what you're thinking - I should work out in the morning. Yea, that doesn't usually work for me. I am NOT a morning person and I already get up at 5:30am just to get myself ready to leave the house by 7am for work. (I commute nearly an hour to work...) Maybe I can give this a go again soon, but first I need to focus on that one goal - the 10k. What's more...I need to focus on one part of that goal first - 5 miles. It sounds so daunting and time consuming, and that's part of what is scaring me off. I know in my heart I can do it, I'm just plain scared of it, and angry with it for some reason. Time to focus and make it happen anyway, I'll deal with the rest of it later.
Friday, August 13, 2010
First of all, TOM is here which means I'm cranky and bloated and the scale is being mean...I've decided to ignore it and just pretend like it's any other day/week. Plus, my internal clock woke me up this morning before 7am. I'm praying for a nap sometime today! *lol*
Yesterday - I did go to my Zumba class. We ended up with a sub who worked a 45 minute non-stop class. It was insanely hard!! After I survived it, I went and got on the rowing machine, because I promised myself I would. I set it for the smallest workout again - 2000m - and promised myself 15 minutes, finished or not. I had to take a few breaks (okay, a lot of them), but I finished the 2000m in 14:14.6! Felt good considering last time I couldn't finish and only got 8 minutes in on the same machine. Rowing is hard, and I love it! You work your entire body on this machine and, yet, you don't have to use your feet! (Bonus for the bruise where my blister was, which felt a little sore in Zumba!) Today my hips are SO SORE, as well as my legs and arms being just plain good sore. Fun!
Arriving home I was greeted with the smell of a yummy pot roast recipe in the crock pot. Yum! I ate 2 servings because I was just SOO hungry! (Probably not good, but still within my ranges.) It was the perfect evening until Hubs brought Ethan home from football practice and I learned that we have to be in Parkersburg on Saturday for his scrimmage at 8:30am!
ACK!! I have my 5 mile training walk scheduled for Saturday, and I thought I'd just get up super early in order to get it done before the game. Guess THAT isn't happening. We have to leave the house at 7:30am in order to get there on time, and it will take me at least an hour to make sure everyone and everything is ready. (Have to pack food.)
So I have a decision to make.
A) Do my walk that evening, after it cools down...and pray it actually does cool down.
B) Do the 5 miles today. (This is likely not going to happen. I rowed last night so I could have that day of recovery on my legs beforehand. GRR!)
C) Do it Sunday. (This seems like the most likely plan B, if A doesn't work out. I could technically switch my rest day from Sunday to Saturday, and I only have to do 2 miles on Monday.)
If you'll notice, NOT on this list is to not do it. I love my son and I will not miss his first game, even if it's not a in-season game! I will work around the complication but I cannot give up on my training. The most important thing about this 5 mile training is gauging whether I can attempt the 6.2 of the 10k. If I feel like I can survive 5 miles (with a few more weeks of training) I can go ahead and sign up. I have to sign up by either the 23rd or 25th of August and the only question on my mind right now is -- 5k or 10k? So I will do the training, I just have to work around the complications being put in my way.
It's kinda strange how much easier it gets to overcome the roadblocks along the way. It used to just defeat me, not it's put me into plan mode! Hope it stays that way!!
EDIT: P.S. My baby made first-string offense at the Left Guard position! I'm SO proud!!!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Yesterday was rough. Like super hard. Like beat your head against the wall and not care what happens hard. Okay, well not all of yesterday, but the evening workout anyway.
Truth is, I was tired. T-I-R-E-D. I yawned through my 10-hour work shift and could tell my body was craving more fuel throughout the day than normal. (It was trying to keep me going, trying to stay awake!) And even though my physical body was tired, my mind and spirit were wired and focused. With all the wonderful compliments I've been getting lately, here and "in the real world," it's hard to say sleep. It's hard not to keep pushing, even through the blah of tired. So at 5:55pm I changed into my gym clothes and 5 minutes later was headed out the door for home...I mean the gym.
There was no internal mental struggle to go to the gym. It's become such a habit that I don't even think about it. Go to work, go to the gym, go home. Nothing much changes from day to day (except weekends, of course). I got there, tied my laces up and headed upstairs for the treadmill. I had to wait a few minutes for the RIGHT treadmill (yes, I have a favorite treadmill *lol*) but I simply did a couple laps around the indoor track until I saw Sweaty Runner Boy get off.
I got on (and tried to avoid the mass amounts of boy sweat he left behind - EWW!) and settled in for a good 3 mile walk, as scheduled in my training for the week...and then 2 and a half minutes in (I kid you not) I was begging for mercy. I was tired. I didn't want to do it. My legs were moving and I felt physically fine, but I was just DONE for the night. And that's when the hard work started.
I have these mental battles with myself that usually go something like this:
Screw this! I'm too tired!
What the crap? Come on! You're not "tired," that's just an excuse.
Maybe...but so what? I've worked so hard, don't I deserve a break?
Sure you do! And you'll get one...on Sunday.
But I'm sick of walking, and I think my blister hurts.
Are you kidding me? Really?? Uh-oh.
Hey, wait! No it is not! It's uncomfortable, yes...but it's not hurting. You can still walk on it and just keep a mental eye on how it's doing.
But I just don't want to...*pout*
I know you don't. Sometimes walking is boring...and you forgot your book at home. I'll make you a deal though...
A deal? Ooh...what is it?
Don't think about 3 miles anymore. It's really okay if you can't do it today...you ARE tired. But just go as long as you can.
Okay...I guess that's alright...
*1.67 miles in*
OMG! It's SOOO hard! Why is it so hard?
Let's not think about "hard," let's figure out how to get through this for just a LITTLE bit longer, okay? I mean, you are halfway there already!
Yeah. Okay...you're right. So I guess when this thing cycles through the scan feature it equals about 2 one-hundredths of a mile.
That's good! Now let's just focus on getting to 1.69 then.
1.69....1.69....1.69....169...169...169... Phew! There it is! Okay, let's get to 1.71 then.
You can do this! Just get to 2 miles...that's all I ask of you today!
Okay. Two miles. Yes. I can do that!
*2 miles in*
Good job! Can you do any more?
3 miles and 59 minutes...my legs were definitely worked out and while I still didn't feel great about the walk, I had done it. I could give myself a sticker later. And even though I knew I was supposed to row for 15 minutes after, I knew my body couldn't do it. I went through the same reasoning and realized it was a reason, not an excuse. So I opted out of rowing for the day and figured I'd either try to squeeze it in later this week, or I would just be happy with my 3 miles for the day. And because I knew it was ST night, and I didn't really want to do that either, I used my every-ready excuse-repellant:
If you don't do it tonight, you're just going to have to do it tomorrow...which will make your next day Saturday...the day of your 5 miles. Do you REALLY want to come to the gym after your 5 miler to do ST?....Uhm, no.
So I finished out with 60 crunches with the 4lb medicine ball and a full round of ST. And then I went home and ate and spent the rest of the night feeling strong, but still very tired.
I'm still very scared about my 5 miles on Saturday. I have to get up very early to do it because Ethan has a scrimmage all day in Parkersburg that day (still not sure of the time, but probably sometime after 11am at least), and because I can't complete this at the gym. The treadmills are set up for 60 minutes, because they don't want people hogging them for any longer than that...and I don't blame them! I would hate to see someone hogging MY treadmill for an hour and a half! Plus, I figure it's better for me to train for this road race by doing my long Saturday walks on...well, the road. (DUH!) I think the hills just about killed me last Saturday because I hadn't walked outside for a while.
So the plan is to map out the route using Spark's map route feature, and then check the satellite image so I can get an idea of where I should stop and turn around. I'm going to avoid the two major hills by the house, but other than that, it's on like Donkey Kong. I've decided that I will time myself only to see how long it took me, but I will not push myself to go super fast. The goal is endurance on Saturday, so I will simply remind myself to endure. If I need a break, I will take it. I will take some extra water with me to make sure I stay hydrated, and I will make sure that by the end of the 5 miles I can tell Hubs and the boys, "Mommy did it!"
Onwards and downwards (on the scale)!
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