Sunday, August 01, 2010
First up, full-on frustration...
Highest Weight: 466.6
SP Starting Weight: 416.2
Last Week: 368.0
Goal This Week: 366.0
Weight Loss This Week: Gain of 1.2 pounds!
Total Weight Loss with SP: 47
Total Overall Weight Loss: 97.4
No. I refuse to move my ticker. I refuse to believe that this is anything more than my body adjusting. Yes, I was a little lax this week with my eating, but I stayed true on my workouts and pushed myself til I hurt. I had to take my rest day yesterday instead of today because my legs and arms and abs were SO sore...and I wake up today and they still don't feel 100%.
This week is here to challenge me. It's here to see how bad I really want it. This is me asking me to prove myself. That 366 was in sight and I will just have to fight that much harder to get it. I have to remember that I lost 6 pounds last week! I have to remember that gaining has not been a regular thing. I have to give myself the authority to forgive myself and move on from here. Because I realized yesterday that I'm really tired. I turned to Hubs and said,"I wish I could just be DONE already. I'm exhausted!" It really is exhausting thinking about what to eat, drink, and what activity or exercise to do every single day. It's exhausting to keep myself so focused. But I'm in it for the long haul, so I'm ready to push through physical and mental exhaustion.
July Recap - August Plan
Weight beginning of July: 379.3
Weight goal for beginning of August: 371.3 (-8)
Actual Weight beginning of this month: 369.2
Actual Weight lost in July: -10.1
So even though this week was a bust, I still lost 10 pounds this month, and that's nothing to scoff at! As for next month? I WILL get that 366 and move past it. I'm already signed up for a 5k walk this weekend, which I'm hoping will push me to really concentrate on the things that I know work for me. Slow and steady wins the race, right? My strength, stamina, and speed have all improved this month, and I can't be angry at myself for anything else. I have to learn to rejoice in what I have done and move on from here, making better choices for myself and continuing my success.
Inches lost in July -
.75 in the calf
1.25 in the waist
.5 in the hips
My body feels much different today than it did on June 30th. I'll post pics later so we can compare, but I think the shape of my body is changing ever so slightly. People are certainly noticing much more.
So the plan for August? Keep at it. Work the nutrition goals you set for yourself in the beginning and get back on track with eating more fresh fruits and vegetables. Play time is over...time to work! (Though I can have fun doing it and then it feels a lot like play time.)
8/8 - 367
8/15 - 365
8/22 - 363
8/29 - 361
I'm so ready to see those 350s!
I, Esther, vow that today I am recommitting myself to the program I have set for myself. I will eat more healthy foods. I will cook at home instead of going out to eat. I will pick some fresh vegetables from my garden and enjoy the bounty the earth gives me. I will not let myself punish myself for missteps. I will learn and grow from the challenges I face in order to become a better, happier, healthier new me. I will stop focusing on the future of "the end" and start focusing on today and the here and now. I will ensure that my workouts benefit my heart and my soul. I will learn something new this month to add to my list of healthy activities. I will challenge myself to do better and allow myself the time to rest now and again. I will realize that I am not perfect and I could never try to be. Sometimes I will fall, but I will get back up again. I will not let the scale control my actions today or any day. I will remember that in life there is no scale following me around announcing my weight to those I meet. I am my own ambassador. A smile on my face and confidence in my step will show them that I am a strong, powerful woman who takes care of herself body, mind, and spirit. I will remember that by taking care of myself I am teaching my children healthy habits. And I will enjoy having my kids with me on active outings once again. I am recommitting myself to this process because it makes me feel like I can conquer the world. It makes me feel strong and wise and gives my heart the fullness it needs. I promise this to myself.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
A-E are done. G I did last week. Guess I kinda missed something there. So, without further ado, here is your Hodgepodge Thursday, F style.
Okay, peeps. I'm just starting to research thanks to blogs from ERIN1128. Anyone want to add to the research? I'm just sayin'...the stuff looks gross! But I'll try anything once.
I realized today that while I've posted several race forms on my vision wall here at work, I never filled any of them out. I looked at them today and realized that their August deadline for early registration is about to pass me by and I had better get on it. So why did I procrastinate? Well, part of it was that I wasn't SURE a month ago that I could DO a 5k or even a 10k! I was so sure that an injury was going to hit me and I would be out the money. But the real reason? Yep, you guessed it. I was afraid. Scared. Like pee-your-pants scared. What if I couldn't do it? What if I got all excited and told everyone and then I had to crap out? What if everyone thought I was stupid because I'm WALKING a RACE instead of RUNNING it. But all of that is crap. Excuses. The dreaded E-word.
So as of tomorrow (I'd do it right now but the sites are blocked at work *rolls eyes*) I will be signing up for three races.
Aug. 7th is the Debbie Green Memorial 5K Walk in Wheeling, WV
Sept. 4th is the Charleston Distance Run (10K Walk) in Charleston, WV
Oct. 2nd is The Barkcamp Race 5 mile trail challenge in Belmont, OH
And about my fears? I'm handling those.
The rediculous "they're all gonna laugh at you" -- Why the he!! would other runners and walkers be concerned with what I'M doing when they're trying to run a race, for crying out loud!? As for my friends and family, they'll support me...and if they don't, ah-well! And even if I have to go uber slow, even if they shut down everything and pack it up to go home, I will finish. If that 80 year old man can do 3 miles, I can definately do ALL of these. I'm training and getting fitter and better able to handle this every single day! And if I do get an injury? I'll asses the damage, check with the doc, and then do what needs to be done or push through. Get over your fears, Esther! They're just silly!
My nutrition goals have slipped a little bit since I've been working so hard on the mental and the fitness. I'm still watching my calorie and other ranges, but I'm not keeping my meals as balanced. I've slipped back into fast food choices (even though I chose healthy) and prepackaged foods. I'm still trying to figure out how to balance 10-hour days and 1-2 hours at the gym with cooking. It's a work in progress here in my head. I leave the house at 7am and don't return until 8:30-9:00pm most days. Now that we're adding in Ethan's football practice (we'll talk about this later) I'll have one more thing on this already full plate. For right now? I'm just NOT dealing with it. If I can get by still losing weight and inches by making those healthy fast food choices and quick sandwiches or whatever, grabbing time to cook whenever possible, then I'm not going to worry about it right now. I have enough on my plate. If it ain't broke, don't fix it...yet. (I heard a song the other day that said, "You're so afraid of breaking it you won't let it bend" or something like that...that's how I'm feeling about it.)
My 8 year old has been so excited to start football since he signed up in like early June or something, maybe before. He's been counting down the days to the 26th (Monday) for so long now and when the day finally came, we went with the information we were given in June - 6pm, HS football field. We showed up, him in full gear, and NOBODY was there. Not a soul! The field was locked. We stayed until 6:30 to make sure they didn't have to move back the time or something and still nothing. My son cried.
Tuesday evening my son FINALLY gets ahold of his friend and teammate who tells him that he has already missed 2 practices - Monday and Tuesday nights. Apparently they moved the time to 5:30pm and moved to another random field of grass in town somewhere and NOBODY CALLED US! (Can you tell I'm angry about this?) I sat in that car with a dejected little boy for 30 minutes, doing everything I could think of...calling his friend, searching the White Pages online on my iPhone for a coach's number. All we had was "Coach Jackson" and some indication that there were a lot of Steves acting as coaches on the teams. I called random numbers and still found nothing. And I was the one who had to break his heart and tell him that we couldn't sit in the car all night waiting on something that wasn't going to happen.
So tonight is practice 3, practice 1 for Ethan, and I'm so mad I want to punch every single coach in the face and kick them between their legs. Shane is already on warning to hold me back from going to jail because NOBODY makes my baby cry and then makes ME out to be the bad guy! By the time I leave I had BETTER have number to every coach as well as numbers for several other kids. I had better have a schedule too, as well as some verification that my child will not be penalized in ANY way for missing 2 practices when THEY are the ones who dropped the stupid ball here!
Okay, rant over.
Finally, I decided last night that smoking is impeding my progress fitness-wise. (I know, duh!) So with Hubs' help, I am going to try to give up the ghost this weekend. I am NOT looking forward to this weekend, so I'm trying to come up with fun, active things that will get me out. Swimming, hiking, weeding the garden, washing the car, whatever. Something to keep me busy and remind me how hard it is to breathe with crap in your lungs. So, uhm..heads up for all of you - expect the cranky to start soon! *lol* And wish me luck! And hold me to this! I don't know if I CAN do that 10K in a reasonable time if my lungs are screaming for oxygen.
For all my TIKI girls - KILL IT! For all my SP Friends - FACE YOUR FEARS! For anyone and everyone - TODAY IS A NEW DAY! MAKE IT GREAT!
Peace out, Holmes.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
So, yes...I've been struggling lately. (The scale said 370 this morning. *sigh*) But what I've been struggling with are important demons. This is the part in the scary movie where you have to figure out what this demon is, what's it's like, and what it's weaknesses are so you can defeat it. Not every demon is the same. Emotional eating. Self-confidence issues. Lack of 'motiviation.' They ALL have different personalities. And the key to getting rid of each one is different, if even just a little bit, from another. So today, in my quest to discover what this demon is, what he shall be called, and what I will need to do to exorcise (*lol*) him, I'm starting a list of the things I need to make me whole. The things I need RIGHT NOW.
I've been whining to myself about the things I don't have and what I "need" to be happy...but I really want to dive into what my real emotional needs are. It's not about a new recliner or a new car (though I will need one of these very soon so I can still get to work). It's not even about a new job (though, let's be honest, I have more ambition in life than to sit behind a desk and be someone's assistant for the rest of my life). But someone reminded me of something...maybe this stagnation is what I NEED right now. Maybe there's a purpose for it. So why not try to get everything out of it that I can? So that got me thinking about my other NEEDS. REAL things. HONEST to GOODNESS, down-to-the-heart things. What does Esther, the soul of Esther, need to be healthy and happy?
This might take a while...and I may have to come back to it later as I continue a journey of self-discovery. I've started off by simply collecting pictures that make me feel at peace, calm, happy...pictures that really speak to the heart and soul of who I am. And a word of warning, this will probably be a lot of freewriting. I need this to come organically from within. I need my thoughts to connect to what's hidden inside. It's a little Freudian, but there you go.
Yep, that one definately has to be up there. What appeals to me about travel, though? Immediately I think, "I want to SEE things!" but that's not even the base of it. I want to be a PART of things. I want to feel like my time here mattered. Like I had a hand in something. Like I experienced something. I want to learn through the eyes (and shoes) of others. I want to know what is unique and different about everything, and everyone. I want to find the beauty in everything...maybe then I can be assured of the beauty within myself. Maybe then I can prove that I am beautiful to those who have doubted me for so long. Maybe then I will know that my father was wrong. That I AM worth something. That I have something to contribute. That I have worth.
And not just ANY job. I really want to be the head of a major publisher or magazine. Part of this may be my insecurity in my own writing. Maybe I don't think I can adequately transmit the thoughts in my head to the world. Maybe I'm afraid no one will care. But I feel the need to influence the process of the messages getting out. Things need to be changed. There are kids out there like me. And I want to heal that little 8 year old's heart with the words on the page. I want to tell her (and me) that she is special and wonderful and beautiful. I want her to know about the magic in life, and I want her to know that she can make some of her own. I want to hold her close and protect her from the big-bad-everything of the cruel world, but I also want her to learn early that I can't always protect her. I want her to know that there will be times she will need to protect herself. I want her to know that it doesn't always seem fair, but that others have it worse. I want her to know that just because there are others who have it worse, it doesn't make her struggles any less important or valuable or life-changing. Her experience is unique, and it should be shared with others.
A huge house, with a pool and a movie theatre!
I used to think I wanted this because I wanted to stay secluded from everyone, and maybe there is a little part of that there...but there is so much more. My entire life I felt limited - by money, by access to things I wanted to see and do, by my weight. Somehow I feel like if I could gather up all the things I really want to have and do in my life and put them in a nice package with a big bow, then nobody can take them away from me. No one can limit what I do because I will be able to shut them out and lock the gate. I can protect myself from their judgement. I can have what I always wanted without fear of it being stripped out from under me...and what I always wanted was a feeling of security. A feeling that the world wasn't going to fall apart around me at any moment. I used to dream of a fire destroying our house in a matter of minutes, and I guess it came from that fear that everything could be taken away in the blink of an eye, with one wrong move. (Oooh..that's telling with the all-or-nothing approach I tend toward with the weight loss thing!!) I want to feel safe for once and forever, and more than that...I want my kids to always know that. Always!
The beach both mystifies and scares me. It's power is so amazing and I'm constantly terrified that my legs will be ripped from under me and I'll drown (this one's easy...it actually happened when I was about 5 or 6 years old). But then there is this marriage of land and sea, of solid and liquid that I just can't seem to wrap my head around. And the colors are so beautiful and vibrant. It's a place that is seemingly untouched. I mean, I know we've destroyed what the oceans once were (especially with the oil spill fiascos!) but it almost transports me to a time that used to be. I do this a lot when I travel too. On a trip to New England I kept looking in the forrests, imagining I was a Native American and trying to picture what the world looked like before the concrete jungle sprung up within it. This mystifies me a little bit, and I'm grappling with what it could mean personally to me, but I think it might have something to do with my distrust in the modernity of the world. In my feeling that it was all once so perfect and we ruined it. Maybe I think that *I* was once perfect and this is my guilt in feeling that I ruined the perfect creation I was. Maybe I want my kids to remain perfect, and it's my frustration in knowing that that can never be. They will be influenced by people in the world, bad and good alike, and they will come away completely different people from the perfect babes I once held in my arms. They will find corruption within themselves and will make mistakes, and I will have failed at keeping them as close to perfect as possible. Maybe it's just that I'm afraid of failing. *shrug*
So, there you go. Four will do for now...and I'll try to revisit this later. Lately I've wanted to use my blogs as a way to explore the emotional side of this journey. I feel like I have the eating and exercise under control, but the emotions I keep avoiding. I need to confront them now before they sabotage me for good down the road. I know that this break through of 366 that I'm so hoping for is a big emotional step in the right direction, and I'm ready to prepare myself to reaching goals I always dismissed in my mind as "You can't do that, don't even try."
Sorry if the reading is boring for you, but I have *always* said that blogs are personal things. Sure, I share them with you, because I *hope* that maybe something I say will spark a thought within you. I have always wanted to help people achieve their full potential (another topic for another time), but to be completely honest (and selfish, perhaps), I need these blogs more than you do. I need to be able to come back and say, "Oh yeah! That's why this was so important! I need to get that back in my life!" I need to remember when I was at my highs and lows emotionally so I can make the connections I will need to be a more fulfilled person, a person better able to handle life (and weight loss's) trials and triumphs.
...to be continued...
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Well it would seem that today is the final weigh-in for Biggest Loser competition in Team 300 lbs. Plus. We'll know the results sometime Thursday afternoon (I'm not expecting a win...these guys and gals rock!), but until then, let's look over just my results.
The competition started on June 8, 2010. We weighed in every Tuesday morning (which is a couple days after my Sunday weigh in, so you'll notice that these weigh-ins don't match the ones on my front page). We logged any exercise minutes we put in as well. As far as my results, I only had ONE week where I gained, and we'll go over that...
Date --- Weight --- Pounds Lost/Gained --- Exercise Minutes Logged
6/8 --- 392.6 --- Starting Weight --- N/A
6/15 --- 387.6 --- -5 pounds --- 491 minutes
6/22 --- 389.2 --- +1.6 pounds --- 740 minutes ***
6/29 --- 385.0 --- -4.2 pounds --- 495 minutes
7/6 --- 379.0 --- -6 pounds --- 385 minutes
7/13 --- 377.2 --- -1.8 pounds --- 225 minutes
7/20 --- 375.0 --- -2.2 pounds --- 291 minutes
7/27 --- 372.0 --- -3 pounds --- 551 minutes
Totals ---- -20.6 pounds --- 3,178 minutes
% of weight lost = 5.25% (if I'm doing that right)
Average weekly exercise minutes = 454 min/wk
Average weekly weight loss = 2.94 lbs/wk
I'd have to say that even I can recognize the amazingness of these numbers. The one week I gained was the week I had 740 exercise minutes, which is the week we got lost in Hocking Hills and hiked for 5.5 hours. It's really no wonder my body needed time to adjust to the mondo stores it obviously needed for that day and the extra growth of muscle, no doubt, that the hiking did. It's really no wonder I lost so many inches last month!!
So even if I didn't win, I think I still won. I kicked 20.6 pounds out of here. I topped 3,000 fitness minutes, for crying out loud! I made my body stronger, leaner, and more adept to fighting fat cells. Where is the loss in that?
Yesterday I was an emotional wreck. I'm still trying to understand why I feel the need to self-sabotage at least once a week, but no matter why I do it, the truth is I always rally back. Other than that one week in June, I don't think there has been another gain since I started April 18th. But I don't want to live the rest of my life struggling all week to make up for one day. I don't want to always feel behind. So I still need to work through the mental block I'm facing.
I think part of it may be a small fear of success. Stick with me for a moment here. In my life there have been many times where I have been afraid of the end of things. I'm afraid of reaching my goal because part of me is afraid that there will be nothing left to do when I get there. Now, I know this is silly to think of when I get to 366, because there is still PLENTY to do after that...but, I feel those same old feelings again. Just like the situation with my job, I struggle with a need to "make it big" and prove to everyone that I am a valuable person in this world, and the thought that big will never be enough.
Until this job I have right now, I have never held down a position anywhere for longer than 9 months. And most of the jobs I've left, I've left on my own. I'm not sure what I need out of life, but I feel like it might be a job with some surprises. I need to be creatively engaged and forever learning and growing. I can't stand doing the same thing day in and day out. And I think this is also part of this struggle I'm having. Day in and day out I eat a lot of the same foods. I measure constantly. I log everything. I exercise doing a lot of the same things I've always done. Joining the gym was something to "mix it up" and I have loved the elliptical and weight training machines, but I can already tell that this is going to get old soon too. Even when I was a kid I used to wake up one random day and decide that everything in my room needed to change. I've been like this for as long as I can remember.
I can't have the same week every week. I can't have the same weekend every weekend. I need change to stay engaged. I need something new every now and again in order to feel like I'm moving forward. It would be wonderful if I could go buy a whole new wardrobe right now, but I can't seem to fit a few of my 30's still, and most of the 28's don't fit at all. Yesterday I caught myself saying, "I *hate* clothes!" Let me just say, I have never before HATED clothes as much as I do right now. This "in between" that I'm in has gotten old. This baggy pants crap has gotten old. Doing the same exercises, still losing weight, and still not being able to squeeze into every size 28 in the store - yeah, that's old. What's more, not having the money to even attempt some wardrobe updates has gotten super-duper old.
I'm striving for change and while the pounds are coming off and that makes me extremely happy, I can't seem to break through the whole "this is getting old" mentality. I see all of you wonderful people dropping pants and dress sizes right and left and I think, "When will it be my turn?" Yes, yes, I know...stop whining, you fit into a size 28 just the other day...but it has taken SO long and it's still not a true size...and I found two pairs of 30's last night that are still uncomfortably tight (and this, btw, is completely rediculous). I hate plus size clothing manufacturers and designers right now. I hate clothes. I hate banks that won't give me money I don't have. ;) *lol*
It's amazing how you can do so much, get so far, be so proud of yourself, and still be angry about the process. *shrug* I'm still working it through my head.
Monday, July 26, 2010
You saw the storm brewing. The forcasters predicted it. But you thought you could handle the rain and wind. You've been through storms before and have come out the other side just fine. You were sure of your ability to just ride out the storm. And then it hit and you felt yourself swept up in the flood waters. You felt yourself being carried away from everything you had ever known, the house you had so carefully built after months of hard work. You were in the middle of renovations and the last thing you want to see is all your hard work washed away by the unexpected storm brewing.
Sometimes we get swept away in our own emotions. Whether it be guilt, joy, boredom, anger. For days we have been "good." For days we have kept ourselves on the path. We've continued our own renovations to our lives, creating a healthy environment out of the mess we had once created with unhealthy habits of overeating and choosing sugar and fat over fresh carbs, protein and fiber. And then the storm comes. We're flooded by emotions we had been keeping at bay for a while. And we think, "I can get through this! I've been getting through it all week with flying colors!" But the storm is too strong and we're weakened by days of making ourselves do what we're supposed to do, refusing to even recognize our emotions.
Yesterday the storm hit. It was a mix of a million emotions. It was joy over being so close to my first big goal. It was pride in my accomplishments. It was a feeling of, "I've earned this day!" And it was rolled up in the feelings errupting within me from the past week of being "on." It was heightened by the thunderclouds over head and the realization that my well-planned active day was ruined. And instead of regrouping and creating a new plan, I fell apart. I let the floods carry me away. I indulged in a case of "IDUNCARE"s. Normally this would be a day of eating all the things I couldn't normally eat, but I didn't do that. Instead I simply overate the things I have every day, things I had carefully devised a way to fit into my plan. I could have eaten each one of the things I had yesterday in a smaller portion and would not have been off track at all.
Cheese and wheat crackers. Grilled cheese on wheat bread. Life cereal. Wheat bagel with natural peanut butter. Milk. Coffee. I could have eaten every single one of these things in a day and have been well within my calorie goals. But for some reason I was swept away and all I could think was, "I don't care!" and "I don't WANT to measure today!" I didn't want the restrictions. Suddenly they felt more like weighted chains than the freeing feeling of a healthy body. And I had to drop the chains so I could swim the flood. So I wouldn't drown. In my head, that's how it felt.
When the storm passes and the sun comes out again, we stand up and look around to get our bearings. And what we're met with, what our eyes inevitably see, is the aftermath of the storm. The roads are still flooded in the low spots. Mud is everywhere. Bits and pieces of our house are torn completely apart. Trees are downed and blocking our path. The things we loved so dearly, things we cherished are spread around in a mess, because Mother Nature cares little for family photographs and what we consider "valuables."
The first thing to hit is the grief, anger and resentment. We feel the need to blame someone or something for what has just happened. We are sad for what is lost. But eventually we realize something very important...not all is lost. In order to move forward, we must evaluate what we still have. We must rebuild. We have gotten past the choices of waiting for death and beginning to live again, because we are still alive and death is not an option for those that love living. So we look around. We pick up the pieces. We sweep and mop the flooded waters from our home. We wash down everything before any rotting mold can set in.
Suddenly we realize how lucky we are that our house is still standing. We realize that our renovations in the past few months have made it more able to withstand the storms, and we thank ourselves for that. There is no time for blaming anymore, because there is so much to do to make sure we suffer as little loss as possible. And brick by brick, picture by picture, dried rug by mopped floor, we start to feel a little better.
This morning I woke up and find in my e-mailbox, a SP reminder - "You CAN Overcome Setbacks." That is my lesson for the week, and it is a lesson I needed more than any other today. It is time to move on. And just like the aftermath of a storm, I know that the repairs will take a few days. But I also know that I have the ability to make those repairs. I have the ability to make this house stronger for the next storm that rages down upon me. And with each storm I learn. With each storm I find better tools and sturdier materials. With each storm I learn quicker ways to handle the aftermath.
One thing I have learned is that I have a day like this at least once every single week. I discovered this last week, and I didn't do anything with that information. Perhaps if I had used it to board up the windows of my house, I wouldn't be dealing with as much water at my feet, but I know I cannot change what was, I can only move on from here. Part of my repairs will include evaluating why once a week I fight back against myself. Perhaps I've been pushing too hard. Perhaps I'm being too lax. The house isn't restored to it's previous condition immediately following a storm - it takes time and hard work.
What I do know is that I am grateful that my house is stronger now than it was in the past. I am grateful that I came through this virtually unharmed (other than an upset stomach). I am grateful for the lesson I will learn from this storm. And now it's time for the hard work to begin...
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