Thursday, July 22, 2010
I'm not calling it "met" quite yet...I had to squeeze in. Can you believe that I forgot that you can wiggle into tight jeans? I haven't worn anything tight in like 3 months...I forgot what it felt like! So I wiggled and jiggled and there I went.
I walked out of the dressing room smiling like a fool. I look around the store and suddenly it seemed larger. There were more options for me. THERE WERE OPTIONS! I turned around and saw this cute blue top with a white design across the chest. Square neck, which looks great on me. I picked up a 1x and went to the counter. (Crazy?) In my head I thought, "Hrm. I hope this fits." I was out of time to try it on. And then my mind answered, "Well, even if it doesn't fit yet...it will soon."
Oh, and in case you were wondering - it does fit. It's not public-ready. It shows WAY MORE than I want to, especially when the tight jeans are compressing my "ab fat" into an actual roll around my midsection. (I swear, I look like I'm wearing an innertube!) But I'll be making these jeans fit JUST RIGHT by the end of this summer and WILL (I said it) be able to say I'm a size 28!
Can't wait to rock the gym tonight. After that my plans are simple. Shower. Change into new TIGHT outfit. Go home to hubs and wait for his admiration. You never quite SEE it until you see it in tighter clothes, you know? Or even just clothes that fit! *lol*
Thursday, July 22, 2010
First of all, thanks to all of you that listened to me rant and gave me some wonderful comments/shoulders. Job still sucks, but I cannot control that. I can continue to put in resumes and hope there is something out there for me...or that another way is lit in the dark for me to follow. Moving on!
We all have goals we're working toward. Our goals change and, sometimes, so does our committment to them. So far I have lost over 40 pounds. That's great! I don't diminish this accomplishment at all (though I don't know exactly what to tell people...but I'll get to that later). BUT. (You knew that was coming, didn't you?) But I can't seem to break myself out of these stupid size 30 pants. And I'm done. As of Monday this week I decided I was officially done wearing size 30 pants. Seriously, 100%, with everything in me, done and over it.
So my one and only goal to focus on right now is squeezing my big (but shrinking) butt and stomach into a size 28. I've gotten a bunch of those weight loss trophies so far, but I really, really, really want that little picture that says "Down 1 Pants Size." So bad it fuels me every moment of every day. I must be in size 28s before the end of summer. I must see my shrinking butt in size 28 shorts before August comes to a close. THIS is my NUMBER ONE goal!
I keep hearing this comment. See, apparently when you have a lot of weight to lose, 30 is the magic number for people to start noticing. Lose 30 pounds, my mom always told me, and people start to see a difference. Well, that did happen, but I'm figuring out now that if you lose 40 pounds EVERYONE notices! Well, everyone that sees you semi-regularly notices.
Several coworkers have come up to me and said, "Esther, I just want to tell you you have really lost a lot of weight!" or "Gee, girl! You're really dropping a LOT of pounds, aren't you." What the eff do you say to that? I said "Thank you" to one person and felt totally stupid. They didn't really compliment me, they just stated fact. The other one threw me off with the emphasis on LOT and the word drop, like I was shopping in the store and dropped my friggin' wallet on the ground or something. I have worked really hard for these 40 pounds, thank you very much. Nothing was "dropped," everything was fought for and bought - in sweat! (*snort* FAME!)
So what do you say to a statement like this? Thanks for noticing? Yeah, some? (which I actually said and nearly slapped myself for the negativity in that response) What I should do is shout, "Hell yes I have!" but I don't know how appropriate that is. *shrug* Suggestions? (And why does this seem to be so hard for us...responding to this statement?)
This is what I'm reading right now. From one of my all-time favorites, Kurt Vonnegut. (Near God-like with a wicked sense of dry humor and a tell-it-like-it-is-but-masked way of speaking.) I point this out for three reasons.
1) I have finished The Master & Margarita and loved it! I passed it along to a friend. Nothing makes me smile more than crazy, wacky Russian characters that have some hidden themes and buried cracks behind their language. The Russians are SO sneaky at speaking out against an effed up system in their novels. FUN!)
2) I have found that reading while working out makes the time go by SUPER fast! I barely noticed the 3o-some minutes on the treadmill last night until I smelled something funky (more on that later).
3) Finally, I need to copy this quote for all of you. It stuck to me when I read it and thought, "I am SO blogging that one!"
"If Charles Darwin had not declared the Galapagos Islands marvelously instructive, Guayaquil would have been just one more hot and filthy seaport, and the islands would have been worth no more to Ecuador than the slag heaps of Staffordshire.
Darwin did not change the islands, but only people's opinion of them. That was how important mere opinions used to be back in the era of great big brains. [He's talking about us as the "big brains" btw]
Mere opinions, in fact, were as likely to govern people's actions as hard evidence, and were subject to sudden reversals as hard evidence could never be."
Sit on that for a while...especially the last line.
Two adventure stories to tell you from last night and one triumph.
--- Triumph - I went. Hubs wanted me to come up to his parents' place right after work to celebrate his dad's birthday, but I was having such a crappy day that I needed my gym time. NEEDED! So I went anyways, because I can't be everything to everybody and I didn't want to sit there bitter and angry and guilty. And when I was done, I made it to the party and felt great! No big deal, even though my mind tried to make it into one.
--- Adventure One - I nearly broke the treadmill. Seriously. I don't know if this treadmill just sucks or it's me, but this one treadmill squeeks on the right side. If I hold my weight up some using the handles, it doesn't squeek. I ignored it for a while (while feeling incredibly self-conscious because I know everyone could hear it) but at about minute 38 I started smelling a burning smell. I think the machine had had it with my big butt. So I got off the stupid thing and finished my two miles on the indoor track. No big deal, but scary. WTF happens if I break the equipment? *shrug* Do you know that I don't care...they said their equipment could handle me and I'm taking them at their word!
--- Adventure Story 2 - I started stretching after my two miles and an old guy who was walking the track said, "Good job!" to me. I smiled at the nice old man and then he asked me if I had diabetes. (Of course my head was like, "WTF, dude? What, because I'm fat I must have diabetes?" but he was my elder and I just answered the question without any lip. I told him that if I didn't do what I was doing I could end up that way.) He then proceeded to tell me that he used to be able to do 30 laps around the track in no time when he was in his 20's. "Wow!" I said. He told me he was 81. "That's great!" I said. He told me he did 3 miles the other day with a 30 minute break in between, and that he was now on his 17th lap of the night. "...." I had nothing to say. 81, borderline diabetic (yeah, he shared that too), hunched over, walking very slowly...he did 3 miles the other day on the indoor track. Break or no break, this man is amazing and I love him. The amount of time it must've taken (when we're all rushing to get this and that done and want a quick-fix workout). Usually I try to inspire other people at the gym...last night it was ME who was inspired!
So I was talking to Hubs last night (who is SO sweet when he's a little tipsy, btw - he told me like 3 times how GREAT I looked and was bragging on me to everyone at the party. *lol*) and told him that I want to take our oldest, Logan, to Green Bank, WV very soon on a Friday. After talking to him, and him agreeing (let's hope this wasn't just the Miller Lite talking because he should know by now that he can't take back something once he agrees!), I'm thinking we may do it tomorrow.
For those that don't know (Hubs didn't and he was born in WV, why should you?), Green Bank houses the Green Bank Telescope, the world's largest fully-steerable radio telescope. I learned about the thing in my Astronomy class (and there was a picture of the telescope in the book! Too cool!) and have wanted to take Logan. Logan is our science nerd. He hates school. He nearly fails every year and somehow manages to slip by (more boredom than stupidity we've discovered), but he can tell you tons of cool facts on Jupiter and Mars and the moon. He loves anything dealing with space and has decided that when he grows up he will be an Astronomer (though I wouldn't rule out Astronaut either). So, for Logan, this would be a dream day to go out and see this huge telescope and hear about all the strange findings they've made about space and the "stuff out there."
Here's a picture for you:
And just look how big the thing looks next to the mountains!!
So...that's it for today. GEE that was fun, wasn't it. GOLLY, I don't know what to do with myself now. GET a workout in?
(BTW - do you know if you can eat too much zucchini? *lol* We've had zucchini for weeks trying to get rid of those monsters. I think we're done with the 3 giants but I have a strong feeling there is another one or two waiting to be picked. I need to find a good zucchini bread recipe because that's what I'm really craving!)
GYM and GOALS (aGain)
One last thing...Zumba tonight at 7pm. I drove to work so I'll be able to go straight there and get there in time. If I feel good after I might hit the elliptical for a few minutes. No more treadmill until Saturday, though. I'm trying to stick to this 10K training schedule and today and tomorrow say "Rest/X-Train." Saturday is just another 2 miler. It feels good to feel like, "I'm GOOD! I GOT this!"
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
First off, let's get this out of the way. Yesterday, calorie-wise, I sucked. *lol* Of course, yesterday, fitness-wise, I rocked it out of the park.
Morning weigh-in: 375
Calories Consumed: 2818
Calories Burned: 1040
(This is according to my handy-dandy spreadsheet from SUGIRL06.) BTW - This morning's weigh in: 373
SP says I can eat 2230-2580 calories per day and should burn 552 Mon-Sat. I usually try to hit the fitness goal, but I rarely hit the calorie goal. I actually try to stay around 1600-1800, but I listen to my body. Sometimes it only needs 1500 calories, other days it needs closer to my 2580 limit. Now the problem yesterday was dinner. Following my rockin' 45 minutes on the elliptical (yeah, you heard me right!) I met Hubs at Wally World to buy bedsheets for his father (I have no clue why his father wanted a fitted sheet for his birthday, but whatever). Hubs then tells me that he has not cooked anything for dinner because he's been at his parents' house all afternoon and into the evening. We ended up at the Mexican restaurant, and while I did get a Spinach Quesadilla (spinach, mushrooms, cheese in a tortilla), I overdid it on the chips and salsa while waiting and there was way too much cheese on that tortilla. I can't say that the spinach quesadilla I put into the tracker is right because this little place doesn't have nutrition guides, but when in doubt I pick something similar and just go with it.
Whatever, I'm not stressing. Still over 1000 calories in the negative category so who the hell cares? (Well, I do, but I can't change it so...moving on!)
Now, let's get back to those 45 minutes on the elliptical. (I know, right?!) I had planned on hitting the Zumba class last night but crap got in my way. The people I carpool to work with were REALLY slow and then decided that this was the night they needed to stop at the drug store on the way home. *slams head against steering wheel repeatedly* Whatever. I got to spy on the class (it doesn't look as fun as the other one I was going to...SAD!). I decided I was going to get on the elliptical and do at least 30 minutes, shooting for 40, 45, or even 60 (though I didn't think that was a good idea). The most I had done so far was 25 minutes, so I knew I could do 30...but 45 seemed like a stretch. I brought a book to distract myself with (when I'm reading I lose track of time, especially if it's a good book). I tried to keep a steady pace (about 90) and just ignored the timer function. After 45 minutes I felt good, sweaty, happy, proud, all of that. I snapped a picture so I wouldn't forget...
Time: 45:00 (forget the :04)
Strides (not pictured): 4129
Strides per Min (where it says 0): avg. 90-100
Calories (according to their machine): 296.3, with weight figured in on SP: 952
An older gentleman who works at (owns?) the gym came up to me as I was stretching and said, "So? Who won?" I didn't think I heard him right. Maybe there was a game on the TV downstairs or something. *shrug* He said it again and it hit me. *lol* "Oh! Well I did! I kicked that thing's butt!" He smiled. "Good," he said. He then went to clean the machine and I couldn't help myself...I told him that it was the most time I'd ever done on it. He asked if I had worked out before and I told him I'd been doing it on my own for a few months but just joined up on Friday. "You know what's important?" he asks me. I'm all ears buddy! Give me the secret. "Just keep dangling that carrot in front of yourself. Sometimes I like to compete with the machine." I wanted to tell him I'd lost over 40 pounds, but I'm not one to easily volunteer this information -- not really sure why. I also almost yelled at two of the fit guys attempting P90X Yoga that if I could do the move they were showing on the TV, they certainly could. But I got scared. (Sometimes I can be very shy...other times I try to just forget that I don't know these people...you never know when you're going to find someone interesting by just talking to a stranger.) Only one of the 3 was doing the move (a variation of the Inverted Triangle, I think...) and the other two were wimping out.
So on to today.
So far today:
...my stomach didn't feel good (hello, revenge of last night's Mexican)
...my head hurt
...my cycle still isn't done (since July 8th, people...I'm tired!)
...my husband commented on my thinner legs
...my job blows
...my prospects for employment still look grim
...my hope in the future is growing dim
I'm working on the things I can control now that I've already had a good cry and pout this morning. Same old story - this stupid job. The fact that I worked so hard for 3 years for seemingly nothing. The feeling that I will never be more than I am right now financially and career wise. The feeling that my children will suffer for my bad luck. Wondering how someone can do everything they're told is the "right" thing to do and still fail at every turn. The realization that next month school will start again. A year since I started my Senior year and it might as well have not even happened. Wondering why I'm having to fight so hard again and again while others seem to have their futures fall in their laps. Frustration to the umpteenth degree.
Now that I have THAT out of my system...I'm faking it today...
Can you tell or am I a good actress/model?
So far this week:
Sunday: mini-binge. Meeting your mom at the donut store = not a good idea. I was good for the first 45 minutes, and then it all fell apart after that.
Monday: Good nutrition day. Great exercise day (elliptical, treadmill, walking breaks, yoga/stretching, full ST round on machines).
Tuesday: BAD nutrition day (ate out all 3 meals! WTF, dude?). Great exercise day (elliptical for 45 minutes, yo! That equals 3 miles!! And stretched after.).
My SmartCoach app has me scheduled for an "easy run" (which I will turn into a walk) of 2 miles tonight. I set it to train me for a 10K by September 4th, the date of the Charleston Distance Run. (I'll be walking it...still can't trust the knee.) I might hit the elliptical for a little bit after the treadmill...then onto the ST machines. Long day, long night. I'm tired already...but I don't have to do any other 10K training this week until Saturday, which is another 2 miles, so it's all just what I want to do those other days. May hit a class or two on Friday/Saturday. Surprisingly, I'm not scared of the the 2 miles now, which is amazing considering where I started. Just three months ago the prospect of walking ONE mile seemed daunting and about two months ago I nearly died trying to walk a 5k VERY slowly. Now I think I could go out tomorrow and do a 5k walk and not have a horrible time. Still, training for the 10K is a good way to keep myself focused.
BTW - I apologize for the crapiness of this blog but my mind is still frustrated and upset. *plants a smile on my face* Faking it, big time!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Shocking, I know. But it's not what you're thinking. Sure, there are the occasional negative thoughts that run through my head, a supposition of what I think others around me might say about me if they weren't able to lie and had to always speak their minds...but we're not going to talk about that right now.
Instead, let's talk about hitting 10 minutes on the elliptical machine and glancing over to see that there's a girl across from you on her own machine. This girl is cute. Probably a few years younger than you. She's skinny enough and is either in maintenance mode or is hiding whatever extra pounds under that baggy t-shirt of hers. Either way, you're matching her stride for stride. She sees you across the gym and smiles. You smile back.
Suddenly your mind whips into a flurry of thoughts and emotions. (I mean, you're working out...what ELSE is there to do? Sure, the music is on, but that's only distracting enough for a little while...eventually your brain kicks in and starts turning out whatever crap it wants.)
"She looks great! I'd love to look like that when I reach goal. Not uber skinny. Fit. Athletic. I think that's my goal right there. I wish I knew how much she weighs. Of course, weight doesn't really matter, does it? Your body could be very similar to hers at 20 pounds higher or lower than her weight. I mean, I don't even know how tall she is...it's really hard to tell from this angle and while bouncing up and down."
Eventually I cut myself off. I don't think it's healthy to constantly imagine my goal weight because I have a long ways to go before I get there. Instead I like to focus on what I can do today, tomorrow, this week. I like to look in the mirror and say, "Well, that looks smaller! COOL!" It's much easier for me to keep my head in the game when it isn't floating off into What-If Land without me. I need it here, in this moment, pushing me on to my best. So I focus on me. I focus on the music and what my body feels like. I can feel my muscles in my legs working hard for this. I'm coming up on 13 minutes and I want to push myself. I increase my pace to 130-140 stride pace. I tell myself it will just be a minute, two max, depending on how I feel. A minute and a half later I give myself a big smile for pushing through at that pace as I settle back down to a 120 stride pace. My legs feel great. Sweat is pouring down my back. GOOD workout!
Now it's time for me to decide whether I'll do 20 minutes or push to 25. I have to decide soon because I need those last few minutes of cool down if I'm going to stop, and I hate random numbers like 23. (I have a little Monk in me, I'll admit it.) At 18 minutes I decide that I'm feeling good, and I can push to 25. So I push through 20 and it feels great. And suddenly I notice that girl, you know, the one who occupied my thoughts for a minute or two earlier?, I see her looking at me and then I see her pace increase. I think to myself, "Could it be?" Suddenly my mental focus has shifted.
"Could it be that she was inspired by me? Could she have been watching? Maybe she wanted to give up a couple minutes ago too, but she saw this girl across from her, easily twice her size, push through and challenge herself. Maybe, just maybe she got inspired to do a little more tonight too. Of course, that's probably not true but..."
I cut myself off again. I'm going to let myself believe the positive here, because it doesn't hurt anyone. In fact, it helps me. I finish my 22-23 minutes at a 130 pace without even realizing I've increased my speed. I slow down to a 100 pace for the last couple minutes before feeling a rush of pride flow through me when I see the clock hit 25:00. I did it. I accomplished this one simple thing and it has made such a difference to me inside.
So maybe I used a few mind tricks to pull me through. It doesn't always work out this way, but I try to use the mind of at least one person in the gym each time to push me through. I pick on one person, be it guy or girl, and I think, "Tonight, I'm going to inspire him/her! I'm going to make them push because they can see this big girl pushing through! They don't want me to outshine them, so I'm going to try to show them what I'm made of tonight and dare them to beat me!"
See? Sometimes I do think about what others think of me. And sometimes I make up stuff for them to think. What harm is there in that?
A big shout out to the men and women at the gym who have become my mental surrogates for my cheering section. Maybe one day you'll know that you were in my corner all along without ever even knowing there was a side to pick. Maybe not...it's pretty cool having you here in my head, and me in yours...maybe we'll just leave it at that.
* 15 minute walking break
* 10 minute walking break
* Lunch with AM at pizza place, I ate my zucchini crab cakes beforehand and went for the company instead
* 20 minutes elliptical (120 avg. pace)
* 20 minutes treadmill (3.0 pace)
* 10-15 minutes stretching/yoga
* 20-25 minutes ST
* Pissing off of one gym employee who cleaned the showers before I was ready to take one. Ah-well, I paid my membership fee and I've got some shopping to do before I can go home. You'll have to spritz it again in 10 minutes and try not to hate me too much for showering 30 minutes before closing.
* Zucchini soup made by hubs = wonderful, with a grilled chicken sandwich
Monday, July 19, 2010
See, I've got a lot for you today, so settle in for a little show and tell...
About two months ago, I looked over at Hubs and said, "Hey, babe? When I lose enough weight that my rings don't fit anymore, will you buy me a new one?" He said yes, and now that they're about to slip right off my finger, he's claiming he doesn't remember this conversation. *lol*
Let me explain. This is my wedding band:
When I got it I was 6 months pregnant with Ethan and probably near my highest weight of 466. When I lost the first hundred, my wedding band became too loose to wear on it's own. I paired it with a smaller ring that Hubs bought me for Christmas one year.
But now this ring is getting too big as well. (No, wait - that's giving IT the credit. I mean I'm getting too small for this ring!) (BTW - excuse the nails...I swear I'm giving myself a manicure a little later today! *lol*)
So I'm hoping that by Christmas, Hubs will be forced to fill his obligation or risk his new skinnier, sexier wife going out in public without rings on her wedding finger, therefore implying that she is single and ready for the taking. ;)
OMG I've been so sore lately in my calves and arms. Though my calves are looking more amazing than they have in years and are even feeling smaller to me! *LOVES IT!* I may have to hold back a tiny bit tonight at the gym, but there's no way I'm giving myself another "rest" day. Yesterday turned into "I can do whatever I want" day near the end, and I ain't having that again!
As of 6:30 this morning, you can say goodbye to this:
My straightening iron gave out this morning...and that makes me sad. :(
So now it's back to what it looked like on date night:
BTW - THIS is what I looked like when the girls were giggling. WTF, dude? I look HOT!
Even the Mothman thinks I look sexy, dude. He's reaching out to grope me! PERV!
I woke up this morning and begged Hubs to not make me go to work. This happens so often now it's just gone beyond rediculous. Hating your job(s) for years on end is just no way to live. Before I had a reason to stay - they worked around my school schedule. Now it's just a paycheck. Nothing more. I hate that! And the resumes keep going out into the world with no answer, so getting up this morning was super difficult. At one point I'm laying there talking to Hubs and I say, "I just want a nice house!" and I start crying. Thank the Lord hubs butted in with, "Alright, hold up now! Take a step back. You haven't even gotten out of bed and you're already crying." I knew he was right, so I wiped my eyes and got up anyways. *sigh* I'll keep pushing because I have to, but something's really gotta give soon!
With the kids gone, hubs and I took full advantage of the fact that we could eat out this week and not spend a fortune. We also took advantage of the alone time together. On one particular day, I asked Hubs if he wanted to go grab something to eat. "Sure," he says. And when I ask him what he wants he says, "Well, I *want* Long John Silver's, but I know you can't eat that..." Now lately I've been trying to work my eating around my life, instead of the other way around. There's really no reason why my husband shouldn't have their yummy, but, oh so bad for you, fried battered fish. Lord knows I *love* that stuff with some tarter sauce. But while I like it, I didn't want to blow my calories on a piece of it that day....it wasn't worth it to me. But why should Hubs have to sacrifice for me? I appreciate that he does, and sometimes I might insist that we go somewhere else, but that day I was feeling brave and I said, "Don't worry, I'll find something I can eat. Let's go." And go we went. And Esther ordered off the Freshgrille menu.
While it's high sodium, most of the stuff I can eat without too much calorie concern (except the corn coblette...avoid this thing like the plague, people!). The veggies were wonderful, I had a bite of the breadstick, I ate a little more than half of the shrimp and rice and I was full. It's a little more pricey than a regular 'fat' meal, but I'm worth the extra cost.
Saturday, I made these Zucchini "Crab" Cakes. Hubs wasn't overjoyed,..I thought they were OK. But they'll do in a pinch. I found them a little dry so I serve them with a little light ranch, spread out on the plate to look like more than a "little" *lol*
I'm having these for lunch today.
And FINALLY! I picked the boys up in Chillicothe yesterday. For those of you that don't know, my mom is on Spark too (check who remains #1 on my friends list...there's a reason for that! *lol*) She's lost over 16 pounds so far and she started just after I did! She's got the eating thing down, but she's really been working on exercise. (She's not like me...she has always, and will always find exercise a chore she MUST do to lose/maintain...she does not enjoy it! *lol* Love you, Mom!) Anyhow, I figured we needed a new picture of our skinnier selves, and while I'm still not happy with how I look in pictures, it's a pic of me with my mom, so I like it anyhow!
42 pounds gone. Lots of lessons learned. Lots of healthy recipes now at my fingertips. SparkFriends that keep me from crashing in upon myself. Whatever the ups and downs I'm dealing with, I must remember that I am making 2010 a year to remember! (Now if I could land a great new job before it's over? - ICING, baby! ICING I will gladly gobble up!) Onwards and upwards (err...downwards on the scale, but you know what I mean!) 165 days left until 2011. Let's make them count...every last one of them!
Get An Email Alert Each Time CALLIKIA Posts