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I Dunno, Don't Ask Me - Week 13.Day 1

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Starting Weight: 466.6
SP SW: 416.2
Last Week: 377.8
Goal This Week: 375
Actual: 374.0
Weight Lost This Week: 3.8 pounds
Total Weight Lost with SP: 42.2
Total Weight Lost overall: 92.6

How did I lose 3.8 pounds? Uhm...I don't know. Seriously. I can assume it's because I might finally be done with the TOM bloat. I can assume it's because I switched up my routine by going to the gym for the past two days. Either way - I will take it! I got on the scale like 12 times and never got a number above this. I will admit that I went to the movies last night with Hubs for a date night before the kids get back and I ate some movie popcorn, but I did have like 1,000 calories left that I could burn, so I'm guessing it didn't hurt me too much. ;)

I pushed myself at the gym yesterday with that "last chance workout" vibe running through me. I hopped on the elliptical first and it felt good (even though my calves were already sore...I raised the incline and started working my butt and thighs at a higher incline) so I ended up doing 25 minutes. I lovers the elliptical! Then I did a lap around the indoor track and hopped on the treadmill. By this time I didn't think I could do 10 minutes because my legs were so sore...but I talked myself into pushing past it. I warmed up at a 2.5 pace, increased to a steady 3.0, increased for a minute at a 3.5 pace, and then did a steady 3.0 until I hit 23 minutes before lowering back to 2.5 for the last two minutes as a cool down. My mental conversation was hilarious.

"Come on, you wimp!"
"If the Biggest Loser people can do this, so can you!"
"You got this."
"You get to rest tomorrow, just push today."
"Earn yourself a cup of ice cream here."
"Look at that guy lifting that huge friggin' weight...if he can do that, you can do this."

So after 50 minutes, I spent another 5 stretching (except for 10 wall pushups I did). I have to say that the group of people there on a Saturday morning is much different from the one on Friday night. Basically it was a bunch of older dudes upstairs and a bunch of younger guys downstairs on the free weights. I got a few looks from one guy, but nothing nasty or menacing. All in all, it was a good day and I felt strong.

Like I said, last night hubs and I went to see Inception (OMG, one of the BEST movies I have seen in a very, very long time! SOO good.) While we were walking through the mall waiting for the movie to start, I saw this girl look at me, turn really quick to her friend, say something, they both laughed and then the other girl looked at me. I have been fat all my life, and I know when people are making fun of me. So as we walked by, I kept staring at the first girl, because I knew she had to look again....and she did. I smiled at her and her smile dropped immediately. I think I freaked her out a bit. As I'm in the bathroom, though, I'm sitting there thinking about how I should say something to her and stand up for myself. I formed the thoughts in my head ...

"I would *love* to know what you're laughing about. Is it because your life is boring and I'm married, with two beautiful children, a honors degree in English, and a full-time job? Is it because I'm a published journalist for the Gazette and just had an interview in New York City? Or maybe it's the weight thing. Is that it? Because I worked out at the gym for an hour today, what did you do? I'm telling you honey, making other people feel inferior in order to boost your own self-esteem doesn't work. You might feel good for a second, but you'll soon realize that you have to go back to your pathetic life, and nothing that's wrong with me will make any of that better for you. Grow up and find something good within yourself."

Thankfully (probably), the girls were gone when we got out of the bathroom. It still felt good to remind myself of all the pluses in my life.

Today I have no plans other than going to pick up my boys at 4pm.

This week? I'm going to try to get the gym every day. I get home about a quarter to 7pm and they're open until 9pm, so I should have time to get a workout in before bed. Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays are ST days. They have a little chart there that I can use to track my ST and eventually increase my time or reps.

Goals for next week:

emoticon 372

emoticon Cook up more zucchini recipes and eat healthy at home.

emoticon Track on Spark Savings. We're trying to save money for an eventual down payment on a new home.

emoticon Workout at the gym every day except today. (I keep thinking that the more time I spend at the gym, the more money I use and the more my 38 bucks is totally worth it!)

emoticon Act cool. Live life and enjoy it. And finish reading my book so I can start another. I'm reading The Master and Margarita right's really quite good, Russians are crazy and I love it!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

-SHIMMER-ANN- 7/20/2010 3:32PM

    I had a very thin girlfriend once, who said she'd like to become a trainer. She said she'd love to tell "fat people" to just put down the damn cheeseburger, because it "isn't that hard." I was so annoyed!!

I saw her two years later...and guess who had become quite chubby? And I don't mean a little...she looked miserable. I bet she has a much clearer understanding now.

She also unfortunately suffered several miscarriages, and it was confirmed that her and her husband could never have children together...their genes were incompatible. I don't think she deserved that AT ALL, that's not what I'm saying...I just think that multiple pregnancies and stress have probably given her a new idea of how "hard" it is to keep up with health and fitness all the time.

I don't wish awful things on those girls, but they will someday face their own hardships, and hopefully regret sucking so much.


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KNOWMOREBBK 7/19/2010 7:25AM

    Karma is going to bite those girls in the butt one day. Wouldn't you love to be there when it happens? More small minds. Some days I just can't stand how many petty people there are in this world. Makes me sick. On the positive side, you showed her the difference between a girl and a woman. Great job on the weight loss!
emoticon emoticon

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BAYBELIEVER 7/18/2010 10:25PM

    OMG! I had a similar experience at the pool today with two pre-teen, maybe teen girls. When I jumped in the pool and came up they were laughing at me! I had the same conversation in my head as I swam my laps and they floated around on their noodles! I was going to blog about it tonight, but now you have gone and stolen it! Great blog! Better than I would have done with it. And, thanks.

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AIMEETURD 7/18/2010 5:09PM

    Congrats on the weight loss & on taking the high road! Someone will knock that girl down a peg & she'll hopefully learn her lesson! You're a better person & that's all that really matters!!!

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SWEETLEXIE520 7/18/2010 4:20PM

    Oh, girl - you so have that 2 lbs kicked this week - it's gonna fly off!

I also love how you built yourself back up in the bathroom - she'll find out eventually that talking like that doesn't make her any better, and you got a bonus self-motivational session out of it! You win!

Hubs, Roomie and I want to see Inception sometime this week. Now we just have to find someone to take Little Man...

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_TRIXIE_ 7/18/2010 3:40PM

    Don't you sometimes wish you lacked the class to take the higher road and could just blurt out flaming retorts like the ones you thought of in the bathroom? I loved it and have wanted to say similar things but always remind myself "Just take the high road, don't let this ruin your night." Which, unfortunately, I would let it do.

I am so inspired by your continued progress! You are just melting away. I'm super proud of you! And thanks for the movie review -- I'm thinking about going next week sometime!

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SAMJINX 7/18/2010 2:50PM

    Way to talk yourself through that tough situation! People like that are not worth our time. Wow you are so motivated, keep it up. Soon you will reach that goal!
Tammi emoticon

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STICKYSISTER 7/18/2010 2:12PM

    You are so motivating and encouraging to me! I wish I could have been there when those 2 girls were laughing at you; I would have been right up there with my "whatchyoutalkin'about" girls? This is my Spark friend you are putting down, and would you please apologize to her right now?! emoticon

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BELLALUCIA 7/18/2010 11:58AM

    You are a beautiful woman with a full life. Even if you weighed 800lbs, you'd still be beautiful! Congrats. on having lost so much weight!

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PRETTYMANDI 7/18/2010 11:45AM

    I love how you built yourself up after those girls tried to tear you down! Sometimes I think comebacks like that and sometimes I even say them out loud and my husband will catch me talking "sassy" to myself and he finds it funny.

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 7/18/2010 10:49AM

    You are SO strong. We have all been through what you had to experience. Someday, you will be able to teach a lesson to someone else. In the meantime, keep up the inspiring work!

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MAGPIE17 7/18/2010 10:48AM

    I saw Inception Friday night too and LOVED it! The anti-grav scenes were so cool! Way to go on this week's weight loss, and giving that girl a look ;)

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BECKYB73 7/18/2010 10:35AM

    Act cool? You ARE COOL!!! What a great week and keep rockin it at the gym!!!

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KARVY09 7/18/2010 10:32AM

    Great week! And I know the stares and the laugh too. One of these days you'll have the perfect comeback, I know it.

Master & Margarita is one of my favorite books ever! Let me know how you like it.

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Making New Plans - W12.D7

Saturday, July 17, 2010

So, yes. I joined the gym yesterday. And then worked out for over an hour. I have to say it - I'm in love! The people are great. This tiny, blond bombshell of a girl showed me how to use the elliptical and then kept an eye on me the whole day, making sure to show me the machines I didn't understand and making sure I was doing alright. She was wonderful. She kept saying stuff like, "We recommend working out about 3 days a week to start out until you feel up to doing more." I had to finally admit that I've been working out on my own for a few months and that last month I worked out every single day. She was wonderful and we had a lot of fun giggling together. I think I *might* have impressed her a bit as well. ;)

I started out on the elliptical, because everyone's been telling me that it's great for people who have bad knees. Very low knee impact. I thought I'd do about 10 minutes, but I ended up pushing myself to do 20. (Thanks AB girls for telling me to do more than I thought I should.) I then walked around the indoor track about 4 times before I hopped on the treadmill for 25 minutes. Walked around the track once more just to get my feet under me again before doing a full round of Strength Training. It was great and I can't wait to go back today.

I figured it out actually. If I did all 3 days of Zumba that I can attend, at 3 bucks a pop, I'd still only save about 4 bucks from going to the gym. Four bucks is definitely worth being able to use all the equipment, have a full round of classes to go to/try, and being able to shower after. Plus, I can go 6 days a week! Totally worth the cost.

They've got the following classes:
Low impact aerobics
Med-High impact aerobics
High impact aerobics
Core workout (though they've discontinued this for the summer, nobody showed)
Line Dancing

They're also open until 9pm Monday - Friday so even though I work late shifts I can still get a workout in late. YAY! They're closed Sundays, so I'm going to use that for a rest day.

I'm leaving you with a photo of a cat fight from the two kitties. They made me laugh so much yesterday as they chased each other around the house.

In the scheme of things, Tiggy almost always wins because Max is younger and just wants to play. She tries not to P.O. Tigg too much. *lol*

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    The gym sounds absolutely wonderful! Good for you. The kitties are very cute too. emoticon

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-SHIMMER-ANN- 7/17/2010 10:25PM

    PS-the elliptical is responsible for all 30 lbs of my weight's fabulous!!! Use the arm thingies, you'll get a free boob lift and a very sculpted back...even if it feels like it's doing nothing ;)

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-SHIMMER-ANN- 7/17/2010 10:24PM

    20 minutes your first time on the elliptical?!?!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS UNHEARD OF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU are freaking INCREDIBLE!!

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BECKYB73 7/17/2010 7:32PM

    Your cat has LAZARS!!! Glad you're first day at the gym went well. I use a seated eliptical at my fitness center, mostly because it's in the same room as the weights and I like to circut.

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SAMMIANNI 7/17/2010 5:52PM

    Well done on joining a gym hunni!! You are rocking it! And btw, I love your kitties! They are so cute!

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AIMEETURD 7/17/2010 5:43PM

    Gym sounds awesome! That is GREAT that you worked out for an hour & I bet you did impress tiny little blonde girl with all your kick-assedness!!!

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LUCYSUNFLOWER 7/17/2010 11:52AM

    I love your enthusiasm! And I am so glad you have a good place to workout... Woohoo!

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KNOWMOREBBK 7/17/2010 11:19AM

    Yep, I know I'm in love with my elliptical. I have one in my basement that I use all the time. I love having it on those days when the outdoors is unbearable. Great going! I'm so glad you found more to inspire you!

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ERIN1128 7/17/2010 11:14AM

    How great that the gym is such a positive experience for you! Love it.

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CKKCK1 7/17/2010 10:20AM

    Yep, $4 is definitely worth it to use the machines for a whole month. Keep up the good work!

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JAMARCIL 7/17/2010 9:46AM

    Wow, Your excitement is contagious, you are on FIRE!!! Glad the gym experience was such a pleasant one. That certainly helps! How do you get on the AB girls team? I keep hearing so much about it! emoticon Keep up the good work.

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GOGOSHIRE 7/17/2010 9:39AM

    Yay for your new membership! Sounds like lots of cool classes to do and nice staff- no wonder you're exited! Yay for you!

Love the kit pics!

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    I am so proud of you!!! All the gyms around here are sooo expensive.. I think I am going to buckle down and join one though once the cold weather gets here.. because I will need to push myself to stay active. You are doing so well... I am really motivated by your hard work... Keep seeing those results girl!

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 7/17/2010 9:32AM

    Wow! I love that you are so excited. I totally was not excited when I joined, but now I am thankful I didn't let my membership lapse. You have totally got this girlie!

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Finally Friday! - W12.D6

Friday, July 16, 2010

Okay, guys and gals. I'm sending out a call of desperation here. Hubs pulled 3 more zucchini off Henry (our monster zucchini plant).

So now I have 3 monster zucchini and one normal (but still large) zucchini. So, as I head for the grocery store later, I need zucchini recipes! *lol* Anyone have any tried and true favorites?

Yesterday was a success! I made sure that I kept walking on both of my 15 minute breaks (though I was thoroughly exhausted on the second one and only walked for 10 minutes, but still!). Then I took a 35 minute walk at lunch -- and it felt amazing! And I actually went 1.5 miles and felt like I had the energy to do SO much more! Even though I've been away from it for a little bit (a little under a week), I've still got it. I ate under my calorie range (much like the fist few weeks I was on here). I drank about 10 cups of water. I was totally ON yesterday, even though it felt like the longest day ever!! (I leave the house at 7am, I did 10 hours at my regular job, then had dinner and did another hour and a half at my second job before driving the hour home....LONG!)

Today the plan is:
Clean living room
Sign up at the gym (and workout there for an hour!!)
Take the dog for a walk
Do laundry
Go grocery shopping
Cook healthy meals
Stop by the furniture store (they're having something called a "Garage Sale" and I don't know what that's about but we really need a new couch and maybe we'll find something there)

Right now I'm just waiting for Hubs to get out of bed. (Though if he doesn't get up soon, I'm heading off without him...)

Hope everyone has a wonderful Friday! One good thing about working those long 10-hour days is that I get Friday off. It's kinda like Saturday: Part I.

I'm leaving you with a great pic of my son in his football gear and some pics from last Saturday.

In full gear...MEAN!

In his position...

Ain't Ethan so cute??

Logan, being goofy as heck!

Me and the Hubs at the horrible game. (They lost 50-0! *lmao*) It's this county's semi-pro team, which means a bunch of washed up 40-50 year old men who still want to play football, but their bodies can't really take it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BAYBELIEVER 7/16/2010 11:50PM

    I have a recipe for zucchini chocolate chip cake but I won't post that here so I am not flaunting that in front of you! (But if you want it, just ask.)

Generally I just slice it, saute it with some olive oil (or grill it). Then if I want to add just a little protein to it, I get some dill cheddar cheese at a dairy and grate some and sprinkle it lightly on it. I do generally combine the zucchini with other veggies from the garden like summer squash, eggplant, etc. If you can't find dill cheddar, you can just sprinkle with dill, or maybe some grated cheddar and some dill.

I have also been just slicing it and putting it raw on my lunchtime salads!

Enjoy in any case!

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BECKYB73 7/16/2010 11:33PM

    Zucchini is one of my favorites, didn't plant any this year and none of the veges are growing, it's been a weird summer here in the Northwest. I am a big fan of drizzling the zucchini with a bit of olive oil and sprinkling italian spices over it and baking it in the oven until soft and a bit squishy. It's also great to cook like that, chunk it up and add to pasta sauces; gives some bulk without the fat of meat.

4 10s is a WONDERFUL schedule. I miss the ones I used to have...which is the only thing I miss about my state job.

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TEAM-SARAH 7/16/2010 4:37PM

    ohhhhhh my gosh those look amaaaazing!

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NEWNAC304 7/16/2010 2:01PM

    You did have a long day yesterday! Congrats on having such an on track day! Good luck at the furniture garage sale.

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MIGHTYFINEWINE 7/16/2010 12:39PM

    My favorite way to have zucchini is decidedly unhealthy and Southern. We'll ignore that. :P

I use zucchini all the time as a side. Olive oil, salt and pepper, plop it on the grill until it is a little soft.

Here are some really good recipes that we love:

California Grilled Veggie Sandwich (we eat this at least once a week)

Roasted Veggie pie (labor intensive, but super yum)
Chicken Souvlaki (quick, easy, and Greek, which is my favorite kind of food)

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TIFFYDAWNMC 7/16/2010 12:08PM

    Oh, what a blessing to have too much Zucchini! We didn't plant this season and I miss those monster plants oh, so much!

I love to cube the zucchini into chunks and saute with onion, garlic, green/red peppers, mushrooms, tomatoes...grill some chicken, cut that into cubes and toss with the kids love it with pasta (any shape, but I think Rotini looks best!) or I just eat it w/o the pasta! Would be great if some of the veggies were grilled, too...

Aside from my favorites already mentioned, one other favorite we've made is a "crab" cake w/o crab! (and you an make ahead and freeze - oh, you can freeze the zucchini bread too, and take it out when unexpected company comes!)

Zucchini "crab" cakes: (my father-in-law had no clue there was no crab!)

6 cups shredded zucchini
2 eggs, beaten (or egg substitute equivalent)
1/4 cup olive oil
2 cups bread crumbs
1/2 cup minced onion
1 1/2 tsp Old Bay Seasoning
1/2 cup flour (I use Whole Wheat)

First combine zucchini, egg and oil...mix well, then add bread crumbs, onion, Old Bay.

Shape into "patties" and dredge in the flour.

Spray your skillet and brown on medium heat until set and golden brown on both sides....

Oh, I'm so jealous of your abundance...gotta hit the farmer's market tomorrow!

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MAGPIE17 7/16/2010 11:35AM

    Have an awesome weekend! I love zucchini bread, but don't have the recipe on-hand, unfortunately. Check for ideas!

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SUGIRL06 7/16/2010 11:23AM

    What about grilled zucchini? Or add it to some homemade salsa? Or Ratatouille??? Or zucchini "fries" (cut it in strips, coat with oil and seasoning and bake)? Ok I'm done now. Can you tell I really like zucchini? LoL!

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SUGIRL06 7/16/2010 11:14AM

    Good times! As for zucchini, its my FAVORITE veggie I'm pretty sure. I like to just saute it and have it as a side. Its also good if you make a one dish wonder with ground meat and rice. Also, my mom has a recipe for "Zucchini Surprise Pie" that's really delicious but I doubt its healthy! There is tons of stuff you can make with it. What about making a quiche that you can bake on Sunday and have for breakfast for a few days?? Ok, this is making me hungry!

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GOGOSHIRE 7/16/2010 10:54AM

    Here's a zucchini recipe I just discovered. Instead of using yellow squash, though, just use more zucchini.


2 jalapenos diced(no seeds)
2 yellow squash(diced-quarter size)
2 zuchini squash(diced-quarter size)
can of corn (or fresh if you've got it)
1 yellow onion (chopped)
salt/ pepper (Dash)
cilantro (table spoon)
Put butter(olive oil) in large pan heat then add all till tender

I put the onions in 10 minutes early to sweeten them up, but you don't have to!

It's easy and delicious. You can add any veggies you like, or even meat (my sister uses turkey sausage but I'm a veg). Red pepper is nice for color.

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KARVY09 7/16/2010 9:51AM

    Looks like you had a fun time! Congrats on a great day!

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Letter to Myself - W12.D5

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Dear Esther,

Sit down. Shut up. Listen.

This rebellion against yourself. Yeah, that's stupid and it has to end. You are not 16, you are 29. Grow the hell up. What the hell are you fighting against anyhow? My concern for your safety? My concern that you will have a crappy life if you don't do these things, these things we both know you CAN do? Quit your whining and get with it.

You need to get your arse in gear before it grows to gargantuan size again. You got here before and stalled. Why the hell do you seem to think 380 is a comfortable number for you? You aren't comfortable. Sure, you're proud of what you've done - but that's more reason to keep doing it rather than go into this "maintain" mode, as you call it. You're maintaining unhealthy ways, that's what you're maintaining. Get off your arse and do something already!

If you don't move for at least 30 minutes today I'm going to KILL you tomorrow. If you don't do 30 minutes today I'll make you do 3 hours tomorrow. That's right, three hours of non-fun cardio and brutal strength training. Why? Well, because your fat butt needs it and you keep fighting against doing it. So what if Zumba was cancelled last night? Sure, lovely excuse to do nothing...but you could have taken the dog for a walk. Instead you walked by him doing the walk of shame, trying to ignore his face that said, "Why don't we walk anymore? I miss you, Mommy!"

You can't get by me with this crap anymore. Eating french fries again, are you friggin' kidding me with this crap? Who the hell cares how "good" they taste (and even you can recognize that they weren't even that good!), they are not going to get you anywhere. You complain all the time about how fat you are and how you just want to know what it's like to be skinny, and then you order french fries? Yeah, they looked real great next to your grilled chicken. Might as well have just ordered a steak, a cheeseburger, and some chocolate cake. Oh yeah, speaking of cake. Throw it the hell out. Who cares how much it cost? You're not wasting anything. You had your fun, now it's over. You are worth throwing away 6 bucks. Don't you realize that?

Look, I don't really want to be negative with you, but I have to do something to pull you out of that hole you've been hiding in for over a week now. You're doing everything halfway, and that won't get you anywhere fast. We both know that we want this more than just about anything right now. The career will come if you keep putting out those resumes like you've been doing. The house and new car will come once you get the job situation in place. The move to somewhere exciting can come later too. You're only 29, you've got plenty of time yet. Stop thinking that you die at 30 or something. You're moving in the right direction, and you know plenty of 50 year olds that have given up. You're NOT giving up on me. I'm not giving up on you! It's time to accept what you can control. This includes what you put into your mouth and what you do with your body. Go to the gym. Bite the bullet and buy a month's membership. And USE IT! Think of the stationary bikes and weight machines and treadmills and ellipticals just sitting there, waiting to be used. Think of sweating out those toxins in the sauna and taking a nice warm shower before heading out the door refreshed - and strong!

I love you. You know that. And you've taken too much time to deal with the stress of last week. Job-shmob. It will happen when it's meant to and in the way it's meant to. Deal with that when it comes. For now, let's get back to it. Because I noticed this morning that you're starting to feel squishy again. You're not feeling those strong muscles anymore and you seem to have forgotten how good it feels to wake up one morning and realize your legs/arms/stomach/whatever has gotten smaller, stronger. Let's love this healthy way again. Let's get back to it. It's a love in baby. A love of sweat and tears. A love of hard work and discipline. A love of compliments and looks of pride from those around you. A love of reporting on all the wonderful, amazing things you're doing. A love of who we've become and who we have yet to be if we keep going.

I love you. Let's do this! *hug*

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KILA1228 7/15/2010 9:39PM

    You go girl!! Stay strong!

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AKJADE 7/15/2010 8:42PM

    Wow. Powerful. I will read this one again and again. I need this as much as Esther does. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BAYBELIEVER 7/15/2010 4:08PM

    Awesome letter! I think Esther hit on all the points--all the blockades--we face along the way. Esther is right! You are worth it! So get it moving! Hope this helped bring it all together for you, because it sure did for lots of us out here!

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MEGSFITNESS 7/15/2010 3:45PM

    Heya! I came over because I hadn't been getting updates that you were updating and here I've missed about a week of 'em. This letter, though, my God it's wonderful.

I got shivers.

I almost got tears!

I could take your name off the "Dear Esther..." and it would be tough love that -I- need to hear as well.

I just got your comments on my blogs today :) Thanks so much for reading and for writing and for constantly encouraging me, even if you have days where you don't have the mojo. You get what you give and I'm here to tell you that you have made me feel confident and successful and I'm so glad that you're on a team with yourself =P HEY if you can write a letter to yourself, I can be happy about your duplicity.

We can do this together, and I'm really happy you're my sparkbuddy.

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    Great letter. Maybe I need to give myself some tough love too. Keep on being strong and healthy!

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TEAM-SARAH 7/15/2010 12:11PM

    Great letter to yourself. I love a bit of "tough love" :) You ARE worth it and those french fries and that cake are not worth more than your health and your self esteem. You've come a long way and you've got a long way to go so keep fighting, you can do it!!

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ERIN1128 7/15/2010 11:56AM

    You go girl! You can do it!

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KNOWMOREBBK 7/15/2010 11:30AM

    YA!! You tell her Esther! She can't treat you like that and think she's going to get away with it! Who the heck does she think she's dealing with here?!

Great job!!

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MADEMCHE 7/15/2010 11:26AM

    Awesome powerful stuff! What a great letter Esther!

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GOGOSHIRE 7/15/2010 11:13AM

    Oh wow, Esther, that made ME cry. I can't imagine the effect it had on you.

So proud of you. Way. To. Go!

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KATHLOW 7/15/2010 10:32AM

    you tell yourself!

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PHOENIX_730 7/15/2010 9:59AM

  I love this blog! It is what runs through my mind when I have lazy days, when I start getting comfortable with the way my body is even though I am not near my goals and I know that in a week or two I'll be back to that "squishy" woman I am literally walking away from.
Love the pep talk, the real talk and the love that is behind your words. You speak for so many of us on here & I thank you for it. Keep at it beautiful & you will have much continued successes on your road to a healthier lifestyle.

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APMAC_D 7/15/2010 9:57AM

    Wow I'm thinking I need to write myself a butt kicking letter. THis letter could have been written to me LOL. You can do this girl!!!! Rock that kick butt attitude emoticon

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KARVY09 7/15/2010 9:49AM

    That's an awesome pep talk to yourself! Kick your butt into gear, girl. You can do this!

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PRETTYMANDI 7/15/2010 9:42AM

    I think it is great how you tell yourself what you need to hear but don't forget to remind yourself that you are doing it out of love. You go girl! Way to motivate!

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MERAINA 7/15/2010 9:41AM

    I had that talk with myself a couple of weeks ago. We had to get "it" together.
Good one!
Stay strong! Be firm! Werk it baby, cause YOU are worth it!

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YOOVIE 7/15/2010 9:36AM

    show yourself who's boss!

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MAGPIE17 7/15/2010 9:34AM

    What a butt-kicking letter!! Go Esther!! You've got this!

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TRISHY12 7/15/2010 9:33AM

    I'm with Twinsmom903 on this one... are you sure you didn't write that for ME? I've been slacking. I know I have been. I think reading this is the PUSH I need to really get back on track - and not just SAY I'm getting back on track.

Thank you so much for writing this and giving me the motivation that I need to get up off of my big fat butt and DO something about it!


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TRISHY12 7/15/2010 9:32AM

    I'm with Twinsmom903 on this one... are you sure you didn't write that for ME? I've been slacking. I know I have been. I think reading this is the PUSH I need to really get back on track - and not just SAY I'm getting back on track.

Thank you so much for writing this and giving me the motivation that I need to get up off of my big fat butt and DO something about it!


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TWINSMOM903 7/15/2010 9:12AM

    Esther... I believe your blog was actually suppose to be for me. What a great motivation and now the accountability steps in. I'm going to subscribe to your blog.

Getting my ARSE in gear too! Thanks for the motivation you JUST gave me.


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Climbing Out of This Hole - W12.D4

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

First of all, thank you to all of you that commented on my blog yesterday. As I said then, I haven't been of the best mind lately. (BTW on the TMI - I'm on day 7 of this cycle. It's letting up a little, so I'm praying that today is the last day. But I've decided that I can't let it defeat me.) After those comments, I decided that what I really needed was a break. A full on, don't think about it, don't worry about a thing, do whatever you friggin' want break.

I drove home and grabbed Hubs and we headed out for a date night, just the two of us - something we rarely get to do without a time limit. We headed to our favorite Italian place in town and ordered whatever we wanted. This included a Diet Coke (*gasp!*), Marco Polo rolls (little egg roll looking things, but they're filled with cheese, kinda like mozzarella cheese sticks), and Chicken Parmesan (which I could only finish about half of), not to mention about half a French baguette with the best butter ever. I wanted dessert, I really did...but I was too full. So we stopped at Wal-Mart and I picked up a little chocolate fudge cake for us for later.

I *tried* not to feel guilty. I mean, everyone deserves a night off, right? RIGHT? I will admit that guilt crept in a little bit here and there (as it often does when you know you're doing something you probably shouldn't be doing), but I told it to take a hike. And by the time I went to bed I felt sick, but better able to face the next day.

This sounds so weird and...wrong...but in order for me to wrap my mind around 85 more days of "being good," I had to remind myself what it was I was really missing. And I started to realize that while it was GREAT food, I no longer felt the need to overeat it (except the cake - I went a tiny bit crazy there *lol*). I thought about not even blogging about it, as a way to further avoid the guilt that creeps in every time, but I want to remind myself. I want to remember last night. Because eating unhealthy, eating those tried-and-true comfort foods didn't make me feel any better. Not. At. All. They didn't cure my stomach pains. They didn't make me feel fuller or more free. They didn't suddenly make me a happy person. I was just the same person I was yesterday morning, just with an over-full (and slightly sick) stomach.

There's a learning curve to be found in weight loss. And while I can't say that I "got it all out of my system" or that I'm great today and ready to start all gung-ho again, I can say that I'm not sitting here fighting myself on every little thing. I have a lunch walk scheduled with a friend today (has been planned since Monday), and I'm excited to just walk without a "goal" in mind. To remind myself today what it feels like to put one foot in front of the other. I think I might go down to the market and buy a salad...and remind myself what the fresh fruits and veggies make me feel like again. (Because part of me remembers that it's a wonderful feeling - better than I get from any cake!) I already got some cash out for my Zumba class tonight (and, I have to give myself proprs on the fact that, even though I didn't work out at all yesterday, I was thinking about it, and I did bring my gym bag anyways...because it's like second nature, it eliminates one excuse at least!) and I'm actually a little pumped to move these hips again (even if I am still in a bit of pain from the Depo). I want to remember what that feels like too...and what the sweat pouring down my face (and arms, and legs, and back, and torso! *lol*) feels like.

Yesterday, while sitting in my hole (or rather, hiding under my desk - literally) I downloaded some great running/walking/fitness apps on the new phone. I have one that has like 1001 Yoga moves on it. It has practices with timed warm-ups and everything. And I'm excited to use those things in the upcoming days and weeks.

One thing is for sure, though - slow and steady. I tried to fight my way out of my hole by clawing like a mad woman. You know what happens when you try to claw your way out of a dirt hole? You dig the dirt from the surrounding walls and they collapse in on you. It was too hard, too fast, too soon. Instead, I should have thought over the situation and found the tools around me that would have helped me build my way out of it. I could have used my tools to built some footholds and fingerholds and then climbed my way out one foot/hand at a time. And that's my plan for the rest of the week. I might not lose 2.8 pounds by taking it slow, but I'll be rebuilding myself for the next hole. I'm learning valuable lessons here, and I have to always, always, always remember that! The next hole I see, I'll be able to get out of it quicker, and even quicker the one after that ...until the day that I see the hole before I fall into it and have the forsight to walk around or jump over it.

It's kind of fitting that July 14th is "National Nude Day" because I'm stripping myself back down to the basics. I'm not going to guilt myself into 2 hours of working out. I'm not going to nit-pick every ounce of food I eat. I'm going to make the best choices I can, do what I can, and make my way out of here slowly, but surely. I don't want to see this hole any more. I don't like the feeling of this sludge beneath my feet as the rocky mud has mixed with days of rain. I want to stand on solid footing again, but after a long rain the ground doesn't firm up immediately. It takes a few days to feel the strength of the hard dirt beneath you again, and a few days more before you can drive a car over it without leaving deep tire treads.

So thank you for your support, but I'm realizing... I have to support myself in this as well, so that I know the next time that I can...that I don't need the arms of 20 other people to drag me out of my dirt hole...the one I dug for myself and jumped into without thinking of how hard it would be to get out. I'm climbing foothold at a time...and via footholds you've helped me build. So thank you.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    I'm so glad I read this right now, especially after I gave into a bowl of ice cream and hot fudge...ugh.
You are right on about it, and I know you will be able to avoid the holes all together in no time. I know I need to get to where I believe I can get out of my mine, and your post has reminded me that I can and I will. Cheers, Esther. emoticon

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-SHIMMER-ANN- 7/15/2010 3:11AM

    EVERYONE goes through this!!!! I think diets make us crazy, haha. You definitely deserved a day off, I'm soooo proud of you for taking a day off, you needed it!

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LUCYSUNFLOWER 7/14/2010 9:12PM

    I think you were far less deep into that hole than you realized! No digging required - you just up and walked out of it!

Thank you for writing it out for us!

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KNOWMOREBBK 7/14/2010 5:50PM

    There she is! You found Esther.

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TEAM-SARAH 7/14/2010 3:32PM

    You persevere through so much, and I admire that greatly! You're gonna have bad nights, but it's an important lesson to learn that food is not the answer. You will keep reinforcing that with nights like last night. Maybe next time date night and a night off with your husband doesnt have to involve decadent food :)
Haha my fiance will be happy to know its national nude day on his birthday ;)

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RAVENSONG37 7/14/2010 2:58PM

    you are so dang smart! this is long-term...slow and steady woman. you don't have to never eat chocolate cake again...but you also dont have to eat it every day. you are doing exactly what you ought to be doing today and i'm so freakin proud of you!!!

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GALSAL59 7/14/2010 12:19PM

    You go girl...

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MERAINA 7/14/2010 12:17PM

    Great blog... got an extra shovel for a friend?
I been digging myself out lately.
Think I can see the sky finally.
Thanks for sharing!

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-JENSSPARK- 7/14/2010 11:43AM

    Great blog! I love the digging yourself out of a hole too quickly analogy. I need to remember that as well.

It seems we're all in a bit of a hole lately and I don't know why. I've got one more night of eating out (tonight), and then it's back to business! We will get through this!

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JENNY888 7/14/2010 11:37AM

    I have also found I have too much on my plate and blogged about it today. Sometimes less is better. These holes are no fun to crawl out of.

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