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Finally Friday! - W12.D6

Friday, July 16, 2010

Okay, guys and gals. I'm sending out a call of desperation here. Hubs pulled 3 more zucchini off Henry (our monster zucchini plant).



So now I have 3 monster zucchini and one normal (but still large) zucchini. So, as I head for the grocery store later, I need zucchini recipes! *lol* Anyone have any tried and true favorites?

Yesterday was a success! I made sure that I kept walking on both of my 15 minute breaks (though I was thoroughly exhausted on the second one and only walked for 10 minutes, but still!). Then I took a 35 minute walk at lunch -- and it felt amazing! And I actually went 1.5 miles and felt like I had the energy to do SO much more! Even though I've been away from it for a little bit (a little under a week), I've still got it. I ate under my calorie range (much like the fist few weeks I was on here). I drank about 10 cups of water. I was totally ON yesterday, even though it felt like the longest day ever!! (I leave the house at 7am, I did 10 hours at my regular job, then had dinner and did another hour and a half at my second job before driving the hour home....LONG!)

Today the plan is:
Dishes
Clean living room
Sign up at the gym (and workout there for an hour!!)
Take the dog for a walk
Do laundry
Go grocery shopping
Cook healthy meals
Stop by the furniture store (they're having something called a "Garage Sale" and I don't know what that's about but we really need a new couch and chair...so maybe we'll find something there)

Right now I'm just waiting for Hubs to get out of bed. (Though if he doesn't get up soon, I'm heading off without him...)

Hope everyone has a wonderful Friday! One good thing about working those long 10-hour days is that I get Friday off. It's kinda like Saturday: Part I.

I'm leaving you with a great pic of my son in his football gear and some pics from last Saturday.


In full gear...MEAN!

In his position...

Ain't Ethan so cute??

Logan, being goofy as heck!

Me and the Hubs at the horrible game. (They lost 50-0! *lmao*) It's this county's semi-pro team, which means a bunch of washed up 40-50 year old men who still want to play football, but their bodies can't really take it.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BAYBELIEVER 7/16/2010 11:50PM

    I have a recipe for zucchini chocolate chip cake but I won't post that here so I am not flaunting that in front of you! (But if you want it, just ask.)

Generally I just slice it, saute it with some olive oil (or grill it). Then if I want to add just a little protein to it, I get some dill cheddar cheese at a dairy and grate some and sprinkle it lightly on it. I do generally combine the zucchini with other veggies from the garden like summer squash, eggplant, etc. If you can't find dill cheddar, you can just sprinkle with dill, or maybe some grated cheddar and some dill.

I have also been just slicing it and putting it raw on my lunchtime salads!

Enjoy in any case!

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BECKYB73 7/16/2010 11:33PM

    Zucchini is one of my favorites, didn't plant any this year and none of the veges are growing, it's been a weird summer here in the Northwest. I am a big fan of drizzling the zucchini with a bit of olive oil and sprinkling italian spices over it and baking it in the oven until soft and a bit squishy. It's also great to cook like that, chunk it up and add to pasta sauces; gives some bulk without the fat of meat.

4 10s is a WONDERFUL schedule. I miss the ones I used to have...which is the only thing I miss about my state job.


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TEAM-SARAH 7/16/2010 4:37PM

    ohhhhhh my gosh those look amaaaazing!

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NEWNAC304 7/16/2010 2:01PM

    You did have a long day yesterday! Congrats on having such an on track day! Good luck at the furniture garage sale.

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MIGHTYFINEWINE 7/16/2010 12:39PM

    My favorite way to have zucchini is decidedly unhealthy and Southern. We'll ignore that. :P

I use zucchini all the time as a side. Olive oil, salt and pepper, plop it on the grill until it is a little soft.

Here are some really good recipes that we love:

California Grilled Veggie Sandwich (we eat this at least once a week)
http://allrecipes.com//Rec
ipe/california-grilled-veggie-s
andwich/Detail.aspx

Roasted Veggie pie (labor intensive, but super yum)
http://find.myrecipes.com/r
ecipes/recipefinder.dyn?action=
displayRecipe&recipe_id=223519<
BR>
Chicken Souvlaki (quick, easy, and Greek, which is my favorite kind of food)
http://find.myrecipes.com/
recipes/recipefinder.dyn?action
=displayRecipe&recipe_id=698653

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TIFFYDAWNMC 7/16/2010 12:08PM

    Oh, what a blessing to have too much Zucchini! We didn't plant this season and I miss those monster plants oh, so much!

I love to cube the zucchini into chunks and saute with onion, garlic, green/red peppers, mushrooms, tomatoes...grill some chicken, cut that into cubes and toss with the veggies...my kids love it with pasta (any shape, but I think Rotini looks best!) or I just eat it w/o the pasta! Would be great if some of the veggies were grilled, too...

Aside from my favorites already mentioned, one other favorite we've made is a "crab" cake w/o crab! (and you an make ahead and freeze - oh, you can freeze the zucchini bread too, and take it out when unexpected company comes!)

Zucchini "crab" cakes: (my father-in-law had no clue there was no crab!)

6 cups shredded zucchini
2 eggs, beaten (or egg substitute equivalent)
1/4 cup olive oil
2 cups bread crumbs
1/2 cup minced onion
1 1/2 tsp Old Bay Seasoning
1/2 cup flour (I use Whole Wheat)

First combine zucchini, egg and oil...mix well, then add bread crumbs, onion, Old Bay.

Shape into "patties" and dredge in the flour.

Spray your skillet and brown on medium heat until set and golden brown on both sides....


Oh, I'm so jealous of your abundance...gotta hit the farmer's market tomorrow!



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MAGPIE17 7/16/2010 11:35AM

    Have an awesome weekend! I love zucchini bread, but don't have the recipe on-hand, unfortunately. Check sparkrecipes.com for ideas!

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SUGIRL06 7/16/2010 11:23AM

    What about grilled zucchini? Or add it to some homemade salsa? Or Ratatouille??? Or zucchini "fries" (cut it in strips, coat with oil and seasoning and bake)? Ok I'm done now. Can you tell I really like zucchini? LoL!
~Ang

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SUGIRL06 7/16/2010 11:14AM

    Good times! As for zucchini, its my FAVORITE veggie I'm pretty sure. I like to just saute it and have it as a side. Its also good if you make a one dish wonder with ground meat and rice. Also, my mom has a recipe for "Zucchini Surprise Pie" that's really delicious but I doubt its healthy! There is tons of stuff you can make with it. What about making a quiche that you can bake on Sunday and have for breakfast for a few days?? Ok, this is making me hungry!
~Ang

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GOGOSHIRE 7/16/2010 10:54AM

    Here's a zucchini recipe I just discovered. Instead of using yellow squash, though, just use more zucchini.

Calabacitas

2 jalapenos diced(no seeds)
2 yellow squash(diced-quarter size)
2 zuchini squash(diced-quarter size)
can of corn (or fresh if you've got it)
1 yellow onion (chopped)
salt/ pepper (Dash)
cilantro (table spoon)
Put butter(olive oil) in large pan heat then add all till tender

I put the onions in 10 minutes early to sweeten them up, but you don't have to!

It's easy and delicious. You can add any veggies you like, or even meat (my sister uses turkey sausage but I'm a veg). Red pepper is nice for color.

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KARVY09 7/16/2010 9:51AM

    Looks like you had a fun time! Congrats on a great day!

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Letter to Myself - W12.D5

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Dear Esther,

Sit down. Shut up. Listen.

This rebellion against yourself. Yeah, that's stupid and it has to end. You are not 16, you are 29. Grow the hell up. What the hell are you fighting against anyhow? My concern for your safety? My concern that you will have a crappy life if you don't do these things, these things we both know you CAN do? Quit your whining and get with it.

You need to get your arse in gear before it grows to gargantuan size again. You got here before and stalled. Why the hell do you seem to think 380 is a comfortable number for you? You aren't comfortable. Sure, you're proud of what you've done - but that's more reason to keep doing it rather than go into this "maintain" mode, as you call it. You're maintaining unhealthy ways, that's what you're maintaining. Get off your arse and do something already!

If you don't move for at least 30 minutes today I'm going to KILL you tomorrow. If you don't do 30 minutes today I'll make you do 3 hours tomorrow. That's right, three hours of non-fun cardio and brutal strength training. Why? Well, because your fat butt needs it and you keep fighting against doing it. So what if Zumba was cancelled last night? Sure, lovely excuse to do nothing...but you could have taken the dog for a walk. Instead you walked by him doing the walk of shame, trying to ignore his face that said, "Why don't we walk anymore? I miss you, Mommy!"

You can't get by me with this crap anymore. Eating french fries again, are you friggin' kidding me with this crap? Who the hell cares how "good" they taste (and even you can recognize that they weren't even that good!), they are not going to get you anywhere. You complain all the time about how fat you are and how you just want to know what it's like to be skinny, and then you order french fries? Yeah, they looked real great next to your grilled chicken. Might as well have just ordered a steak, a cheeseburger, and some chocolate cake. Oh yeah, speaking of cake. Throw it the hell out. Who cares how much it cost? You're not wasting anything. You had your fun, now it's over. You are worth throwing away 6 bucks. Don't you realize that?

Look, I don't really want to be negative with you, but I have to do something to pull you out of that hole you've been hiding in for over a week now. You're doing everything halfway, and that won't get you anywhere fast. We both know that we want this more than just about anything right now. The career will come if you keep putting out those resumes like you've been doing. The house and new car will come once you get the job situation in place. The move to somewhere exciting can come later too. You're only 29, you've got plenty of time yet. Stop thinking that you die at 30 or something. You're moving in the right direction, and you know plenty of 50 year olds that have given up. You're NOT giving up on me. I'm not giving up on you! It's time to accept what you can control. This includes what you put into your mouth and what you do with your body. Go to the gym. Bite the bullet and buy a month's membership. And USE IT! Think of the stationary bikes and weight machines and treadmills and ellipticals just sitting there, waiting to be used. Think of sweating out those toxins in the sauna and taking a nice warm shower before heading out the door refreshed - and strong!

I love you. You know that. And you've taken too much time to deal with the stress of last week. Job-shmob. It will happen when it's meant to and in the way it's meant to. Deal with that when it comes. For now, let's get back to it. Because I noticed this morning that you're starting to feel squishy again. You're not feeling those strong muscles anymore and you seem to have forgotten how good it feels to wake up one morning and realize your legs/arms/stomach/whatever has gotten smaller, stronger. Let's love this healthy way again. Let's get back to it. It's a love in baby. A love of sweat and tears. A love of hard work and discipline. A love of compliments and looks of pride from those around you. A love of reporting on all the wonderful, amazing things you're doing. A love of who we've become and who we have yet to be if we keep going.

I love you. Let's do this! *hug*
Esther

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KILA1228 7/15/2010 9:39PM

    You go girl!! Stay strong!

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AKJADE 7/15/2010 8:42PM

    Wow. Powerful. I will read this one again and again. I need this as much as Esther does. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BAYBELIEVER 7/15/2010 4:08PM

    Awesome letter! I think Esther hit on all the points--all the blockades--we face along the way. Esther is right! You are worth it! So get it moving! Hope this helped bring it all together for you, because it sure did for lots of us out here!

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MEGSFITNESS 7/15/2010 3:45PM

    Heya! I came over because I hadn't been getting updates that you were updating and here I've missed about a week of 'em. This letter, though, my God it's wonderful.

I got shivers.

I almost got tears!

I could take your name off the "Dear Esther..." and it would be tough love that -I- need to hear as well.

I just got your comments on my blogs today :) Thanks so much for reading and for writing and for constantly encouraging me, even if you have days where you don't have the mojo. You get what you give and I'm here to tell you that you have made me feel confident and successful and I'm so glad that you're on a team with yourself =P HEY if you can write a letter to yourself, I can be happy about your duplicity.

We can do this together, and I'm really happy you're my sparkbuddy.

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THEWEIGHTSOVER 7/15/2010 2:32PM

    Great letter. Maybe I need to give myself some tough love too. Keep on being strong and healthy!

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TEAM-SARAH 7/15/2010 12:11PM

    Great letter to yourself. I love a bit of "tough love" :) You ARE worth it and those french fries and that cake are not worth more than your health and your self esteem. You've come a long way and you've got a long way to go so keep fighting, you can do it!!

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ERIN1128 7/15/2010 11:56AM

    You go girl! You can do it!

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KNOWMOREBBK 7/15/2010 11:30AM

    YA!! You tell her Esther! She can't treat you like that and think she's going to get away with it! Who the heck does she think she's dealing with here?!

Great job!!

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MADEMCHE 7/15/2010 11:26AM

    Awesome powerful stuff! What a great letter Esther!

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GOGOSHIRE 7/15/2010 11:13AM

    Oh wow, Esther, that made ME cry. I can't imagine the effect it had on you.

So proud of you. Way. To. Go!

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KATHLOW 7/15/2010 10:32AM

    you tell yourself!

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PHOENIX_730 7/15/2010 9:59AM

  I love this blog! It is what runs through my mind when I have lazy days, when I start getting comfortable with the way my body is even though I am not near my goals and I know that in a week or two I'll be back to that "squishy" woman I am literally walking away from.
Love the pep talk, the real talk and the love that is behind your words. You speak for so many of us on here & I thank you for it. Keep at it beautiful & you will have much continued successes on your road to a healthier lifestyle.
emoticon

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APMAC_D 7/15/2010 9:57AM

    Wow I'm thinking I need to write myself a butt kicking letter. THis letter could have been written to me LOL. You can do this girl!!!! Rock that kick butt attitude emoticon

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KARVY09 7/15/2010 9:49AM

    That's an awesome pep talk to yourself! Kick your butt into gear, girl. You can do this!

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PRETTYMANDI 7/15/2010 9:42AM

    I think it is great how you tell yourself what you need to hear but don't forget to remind yourself that you are doing it out of love. You go girl! Way to motivate!

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MERAINA 7/15/2010 9:41AM

    I had that talk with myself a couple of weeks ago. We had to get "it" together.
Good one!
Stay strong! Be firm! Werk it baby, cause YOU are worth it!

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YOOVIE 7/15/2010 9:36AM

    show yourself who's boss!

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MAGPIE17 7/15/2010 9:34AM

    What a butt-kicking letter!! Go Esther!! You've got this!

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TRISHY12 7/15/2010 9:33AM

    I'm with Twinsmom903 on this one... are you sure you didn't write that for ME? I've been slacking. I know I have been. I think reading this is the PUSH I need to really get back on track - and not just SAY I'm getting back on track.

Thank you so much for writing this and giving me the motivation that I need to get up off of my big fat butt and DO something about it!

We CAN and WILL DO THIS!!!

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TRISHY12 7/15/2010 9:32AM

    I'm with Twinsmom903 on this one... are you sure you didn't write that for ME? I've been slacking. I know I have been. I think reading this is the PUSH I need to really get back on track - and not just SAY I'm getting back on track.

Thank you so much for writing this and giving me the motivation that I need to get up off of my big fat butt and DO something about it!

We CAN and WILL DO THIS!!!

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TWINSMOM903 7/15/2010 9:12AM

    Esther... I believe your blog was actually suppose to be for me. What a great motivation and now the accountability steps in. I'm going to subscribe to your blog.

Getting my ARSE in gear too! Thanks for the motivation you JUST gave me.

Melly

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Climbing Out of This Hole - W12.D4

Wednesday, July 14, 2010



First of all, thank you to all of you that commented on my blog yesterday. As I said then, I haven't been of the best mind lately. (BTW on the TMI - I'm on day 7 of this cycle. It's letting up a little, so I'm praying that today is the last day. But I've decided that I can't let it defeat me.) After those comments, I decided that what I really needed was a break. A full on, don't think about it, don't worry about a thing, do whatever you friggin' want break.

I drove home and grabbed Hubs and we headed out for a date night, just the two of us - something we rarely get to do without a time limit. We headed to our favorite Italian place in town and ordered whatever we wanted. This included a Diet Coke (*gasp!*), Marco Polo rolls (little egg roll looking things, but they're filled with cheese, kinda like mozzarella cheese sticks), and Chicken Parmesan (which I could only finish about half of), not to mention about half a French baguette with the best butter ever. I wanted dessert, I really did...but I was too full. So we stopped at Wal-Mart and I picked up a little chocolate fudge cake for us for later.

I *tried* not to feel guilty. I mean, everyone deserves a night off, right? RIGHT? I will admit that guilt crept in a little bit here and there (as it often does when you know you're doing something you probably shouldn't be doing), but I told it to take a hike. And by the time I went to bed I felt sick, but better able to face the next day.

This sounds so weird and...wrong...but in order for me to wrap my mind around 85 more days of "being good," I had to remind myself what it was I was really missing. And I started to realize that while it was GREAT food, I no longer felt the need to overeat it (except the cake - I went a tiny bit crazy there *lol*). I thought about not even blogging about it, as a way to further avoid the guilt that creeps in every time, but I want to remind myself. I want to remember last night. Because eating unhealthy, eating those tried-and-true comfort foods didn't make me feel any better. Not. At. All. They didn't cure my stomach pains. They didn't make me feel fuller or more free. They didn't suddenly make me a happy person. I was just the same person I was yesterday morning, just with an over-full (and slightly sick) stomach.

There's a learning curve to be found in weight loss. And while I can't say that I "got it all out of my system" or that I'm great today and ready to start all gung-ho again, I can say that I'm not sitting here fighting myself on every little thing. I have a lunch walk scheduled with a friend today (has been planned since Monday), and I'm excited to just walk without a "goal" in mind. To remind myself today what it feels like to put one foot in front of the other. I think I might go down to the market and buy a salad...and remind myself what the fresh fruits and veggies make me feel like again. (Because part of me remembers that it's a wonderful feeling - better than I get from any cake!) I already got some cash out for my Zumba class tonight (and, I have to give myself proprs on the fact that, even though I didn't work out at all yesterday, I was thinking about it, and I did bring my gym bag anyways...because it's like second nature, it eliminates one excuse at least!) and I'm actually a little pumped to move these hips again (even if I am still in a bit of pain from the Depo). I want to remember what that feels like too...and what the sweat pouring down my face (and arms, and legs, and back, and torso! *lol*) feels like.

Yesterday, while sitting in my hole (or rather, hiding under my desk - literally) I downloaded some great running/walking/fitness apps on the new phone. I have one that has like 1001 Yoga moves on it. It has practices with timed warm-ups and everything. And I'm excited to use those things in the upcoming days and weeks.

One thing is for sure, though - slow and steady. I tried to fight my way out of my hole by clawing like a mad woman. You know what happens when you try to claw your way out of a dirt hole? You dig the dirt from the surrounding walls and they collapse in on you. It was too hard, too fast, too soon. Instead, I should have thought over the situation and found the tools around me that would have helped me build my way out of it. I could have used my tools to built some footholds and fingerholds and then climbed my way out one foot/hand at a time. And that's my plan for the rest of the week. I might not lose 2.8 pounds by taking it slow, but I'll be rebuilding myself for the next hole. I'm learning valuable lessons here, and I have to always, always, always remember that! The next hole I see, I'll be able to get out of it quicker, and even quicker the one after that ...until the day that I see the hole before I fall into it and have the forsight to walk around or jump over it.

It's kind of fitting that July 14th is "National Nude Day" because I'm stripping myself back down to the basics. I'm not going to guilt myself into 2 hours of working out. I'm not going to nit-pick every ounce of food I eat. I'm going to make the best choices I can, do what I can, and make my way out of here slowly, but surely. I don't want to see this hole any more. I don't like the feeling of this sludge beneath my feet as the rocky mud has mixed with days of rain. I want to stand on solid footing again, but after a long rain the ground doesn't firm up immediately. It takes a few days to feel the strength of the hard dirt beneath you again, and a few days more before you can drive a car over it without leaving deep tire treads.

So thank you for your support, but I'm realizing... I have to support myself in this as well, so that I know the next time that I can...that I don't need the arms of 20 other people to drag me out of my dirt hole...the one I dug for myself and jumped into without thinking of how hard it would be to get out. I'm climbing now...one foothold at a time...and via footholds you've helped me build. So thank you.

emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SIMPLYMARICRIS 7/16/2010 5:33PM

    I'm so glad I read this right now, especially after I gave into a bowl of ice cream and hot fudge...ugh.
You are right on about it, and I know you will be able to avoid the holes all together in no time. I know I need to get to where I believe I can get out of my mine, and your post has reminded me that I can and I will. Cheers, Esther. emoticon

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-SHIMMER-ANN- 7/15/2010 3:11AM

    EVERYONE goes through this!!!! I think diets make us crazy, haha. You definitely deserved a day off, I'm soooo proud of you for taking a day off, you needed it!

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LUCYSUNFLOWER 7/14/2010 9:12PM

    I think you were far less deep into that hole than you realized! No digging required - you just up and walked out of it!

Thank you for writing it out for us!

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KNOWMOREBBK 7/14/2010 5:50PM

    There she is! You found Esther.

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TEAM-SARAH 7/14/2010 3:32PM

    You persevere through so much, and I admire that greatly! You're gonna have bad nights, but it's an important lesson to learn that food is not the answer. You will keep reinforcing that with nights like last night. Maybe next time date night and a night off with your husband doesnt have to involve decadent food :)
Haha my fiance will be happy to know its national nude day on his birthday ;)

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RAVENSONG37 7/14/2010 2:58PM

    you are so dang smart! this is long-term...slow and steady woman. you don't have to never eat chocolate cake again...but you also dont have to eat it every day. you are doing exactly what you ought to be doing today and i'm so freakin proud of you!!!

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GALSAL59 7/14/2010 12:19PM

    You go girl...

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MERAINA 7/14/2010 12:17PM

    Great blog... got an extra shovel for a friend?
I been digging myself out lately.
Think I can see the sky finally.
Thanks for sharing!

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-JENSSPARK- 7/14/2010 11:43AM

    Great blog! I love the digging yourself out of a hole too quickly analogy. I need to remember that as well.

It seems we're all in a bit of a hole lately and I don't know why. I've got one more night of eating out (tonight), and then it's back to business! We will get through this!

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JENNY888 7/14/2010 11:37AM

    I have also found I have too much on my plate and blogged about it today. Sometimes less is better. These holes are no fun to crawl out of.

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Mental Roadblocks - W12.D3

Tuesday, July 13, 2010



The past few days I've been seeing these signs popping up all over the place. I never really took notice before. For the first couple months it was all about pushing through, about proving myself and everyone wrong. But now that it's been 85 days of mostly excellent work on my part, I've let these signs show me a different way.

I got nearly all the way home last night and realized how really tired my body was, how much I did not want to go through an hour long Zumba class, how I only had a dollar in my purse (the class is 3 bucks), and I let those roadblocks derail me from my goal. I went home and watched TV with Hubs and set up my new iPhone. I felt a little guilty the whole night, and it just got worse from there.

When I got home I realized Hubs hadn't gotten to the dishes yet. And I was tired. And I didn't want to cook. So I grabbed some cereal for dinner. And I felt guilty again, because I had let the roadblocks set for me at home derail me once more. I kept telling myself how exhausted I was and how much I really just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep. And I didn't. And I stayed up until 11:30pm, and then to midnight talking to Hubs before sleep. And I was tired, but I let the diversions around me keep me from my bed, my much-needed sleep.

I keep thinking about the 10K training I had originally set for myself, and how I haven't even tried to get back at it. I know the biggest reason is because I don't think I can do it...but I tell myself it's because I'm tired, or hot, or whatever. I give myself excuses instead of facing the true facts of the matter.

I'm a smart girl. I am. While I've never prided myself on my looks or beauty, I have always felt that I made up for it in logical smarts. I mean, I'm no genius - I always used to say that I was the smartest of the average people, and the most average (or dumbest) of the smart people. So why do I insist upon letting myself resort the habits that created this mess in the first place?

As I sit here now, I want to remove this whole blog and pretend that everything is fine. It's not. I hurt. (TMI alert) The Depo has messed up my cycle so that what should have lasted 3 days normally, has lasted 6. My stomach hurts all the time and I feel tired and worn out. And while I know this may have something to do with this feeling, I also know that I have pushed through it before and I could very well do that again - I have simply chosen not to. I saw the sign "DANGER AHEAD" and instead of just pushing through with caution, I stopped my car on the side of the road. And here I sit, debating whether to turn around or keep moving forward. I know that the road ahead is dangerous, littered with potholes and whatever else might get in my way, but I also know that it is the only way to my destination. There isn't another path or road. Just this one.

Honestly, the fact that I'm debating this at all both saddens me and makes me eternally happy. On the one hand, in the past I would have simply turned around without a second thought and started looking for a detour. I would have let myself get caught up in the DANGER part, and not on what was beyond it. And then again, the girl who got here 85 days ago would have never even stopped. She wouldn't have even seen the sign, or she would have seen it as a challenge. I'm facing these roadblocks, instead, with consideration - and I can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

I have so much weight to lose.
Everyone around me has already come so far - they're almost done.
I'll be left behind - I already have been.
It's so hard.
It's so expensive.
I'm so tired.

They pour out of me and I try to make the pro/con list in my head and remind myself that while all of that may be true, it is also true that.

It is worth it.
I have already come so far myself.
I know what to do, I just need to do it.
I'm more ready for this than I ever have been.
I can sleep when I'm dead, or skinny.
It's not about how you look in your clothes, but how you feel in them.
Working out energizes you, and makes you sleep more soundly.

And, yet...still I sit. On the side of the road. And the weather goes from humidity to downpour, and I just sit there staring at that sign, not sure what to do. I know in my heart that I can never turn back now. There's nothing left for me back there. And I also know that beyond this road are so many wonderful things that I have always wanted and never had. But I sit. And sit. Until I feel like I can move on...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KIMMAS82 7/13/2010 1:57PM

    I don't know what your situation is with Depo but I do feel the need to tell you my story. Hope you don't mind. I wrote a blog about it a while ago.

http://www.sparkpeople.
com/mypage_public_journal_indiv
idual.asp?blog_id=2944141

Sorry to put my stuff on you but I was never told the stuff I found out since the day I wrote that blog and I wish I would have been.

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TEAM-SARAH 7/13/2010 1:11PM

    Keep with it and you know someday YOU will be that person that is "almost done" You gotta quit doubting yourself. You have proven in these past few months how much you can do and you can continue to do this. We all have bad days and days where we just don't have the energy, but stay focused. You can do it!!

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SUGIRL06 7/13/2010 12:21PM

    I think you've already made your decision to keep going, you are just going a little slower than before! (How's that for fitting in with the metaphor?) I know the feeling you had yesterday. I've had those days! And sometimes, you just need a rest. When you catch yourself doing this several days in a row, just tell yourself "tough luck" and get to the gym. Pout whine and cry your way through your workout and your healthy dinner and just do it. Usually, I feel much better the next day and back to normal. Sometimes it takes several days of pouting and whining and acting like a 2 year old but its all worth it in the end!
~Ang

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LADYINOHIO 7/13/2010 11:45AM

    Not sure if you realize it, but YOU, my dear, are an EXCELLENT writer.
emoticon
I really love the symbolism of the signs and what seems to be derailing you from your path. I mean, I don't love the down-and-out feelings you're going through, and I hope you're feeling better in that respect when the Depo evens out and you're not dealing with lady-bits issues(gawd does that suck!)
Everyday it's a balancing act for me, and you've achieved way more days of excellence in behavior and keeping your sights set on the goal than I have, and in much shorter time, too.
To add to your list of good stuff to focus on, don't forget that you are INSPIRING to others, I can speak of that first-hand! Keep on setting a great example on how to change your life, how to pursue a healthy lifestyle, and how to overcome those little depressing hurdles that we ALLLL run into. I think you're doing great, and that you're an amazing, beautiful woman.
Let's do this thing!
Let's keep on fighting the good fight, together!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BECKYB73 7/13/2010 11:44AM

    You are not alone! I'm stalled at minus 26, mostly because I'm a dumb ass and I've got at a MINIMUM 124 left to lose...that's just so I'll be at 225...which is still, most likely fat, fat, fat.

Giving up is not an option. Taking a break to mentally prepare and psych yourself up for the journey ahead IS an option. It just makes you human.

The road is long, but that doesn't mean it can't be traveled.

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BAYCORNER 7/13/2010 11:31AM

    Great blog. Thanks so much for sharing it with us. You are one heck of a writer. What a blessing that you can get your thoughts and feelings out on paper.

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GOGOSHIRE 7/13/2010 11:18AM

    Hey, no one is getting left behind. You are an AB girl, and no one is leaving anyone behind.

It's normal to have these thoughts, and it's really good that you are blogging them and getting them out there. It's important to stop and evaluate everything once in a while. It's easier to see where you're headed if you take a good look at where you've been.

The excuses you used to stop:
"It's so hard.
It's so expensive.
I'm so tired"

can be turned around and used for excuses to keep going & rocking it like you have been for the last 30 days

It's so hard BEING OVERWEIGHT
It's so expensive BEING OVERWEIGHT (emotionally, physically, etc)
I'm so tired OF NOT BEING AT MY IDEAL WEIGHT.

I'm in just Week 1 of the C25k program, and you are such an inspiration to me. Don't worry about being left behind! Keep remembering that there are those of us behind you looking up to you and your AWESOMENESS!

Keep fighting the good fight. We're all right here cheering you on!

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PRETTYMANDI 7/13/2010 10:46AM

    There have been many times I had to take a rest on this journey. But I always pick myself back up and keep moving forward, and I know you will too!

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 7/13/2010 10:33AM

    You have been going strong for the past 85 days. You said your body was tired. Sometimes we have to take a pause before continuing on this journey. The important part is that you continue on this journey. You and strong, determined and beautiful.
Rest, refocus (possibly on that 10k goal) and when you are ready start moving towards you goal again. Switching things up (even rest) helps the body stay on it's toes so to speak, thus helping you lose weight faster.
You are doing amazing, keep your head up. Once the rain clears you will see the road is not so dangerous, especially with your sparkfriends their beside you

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NIXIE27 7/13/2010 10:20AM

    It may also be time to check in to that motel you are parked beside. Taking a break now and then is good for you. It energizes you and helps you push through the roadblocks ahead of you. The big thing is to let yourself relax a little, without feeling guilty. We all need it.

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RAVENSONG37 7/13/2010 10:19AM

    A few thoughts...randomly written. This is totally normal. I just wrote in my blog about how I'm happy that I even argue with myself about running because I never even used to think about it. Your awareness has changed. What you want or think is possible has changed. These are the growing pains babe. I love you and think you are doing amazing stuff, and thinking about what and why you are doing it is all part of that. About having so much weight to lose...yeah, maybe...but it's hella less than it was 85 days ago. And you don't have to lose it all today. There's just a few things you need to do today and those things are within your capability. I don't know who has left you behind, and I'm sorry that has happened, but I promise to never leave you behind. Whether I have 5 or 50 or 500 pounds to work off, I need your support. I will need it even more when I get to my goal because from what they say, it's harder to keep it off than to lose it. Losing weight is hard, tiring and expensive...but so is not losing weight. I'll bet you all the money in my left pocket that you are either equally happy/satisfied or moreso today than you were 86 days ago.

You did such a great thing by blogging and telling on yourself about these roadblocks. You are addressing them and the next step is to deal with them. You are doing something for yourself just by thinking and talking about your struggle. You are making it manageable. You are being aware and mindful of the choices you make. Take some time to rest if you need it. It's just as important as pushing yourself to workout or eat well.

Most importantly, though, give yourself a big hug for me. Do it, now...wrap your arms around that shrinking body of yours and hug yourself. You are beautiful and wonderful and perfect just the way you are.

Comment edited on: 7/13/2010 10:19:57 AM

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KNOWMOREBBK 7/13/2010 9:59AM

    Well I think you have come to the right place. We have all been there. Yes. You have a lot of weight to lose. I have a lot of weight to lose. Some of us have more weight to lose and some of have less. It's a lifestyle. Those that have less weight to lose still have to live the same healthy lifestyle of those that have more weight to lose. What is your other option? To gain weight? Are you going to go back to that? You won't. Because you know that this lifestyle you are currently on will take you places. And those places are all the places you want to see. You want to see the world from a kayak... Not from a hospital bed. Find your vision picture of future Esther whenever you feel stuck. She will show you the way.

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MERAINA 7/13/2010 9:26AM

    I know where you're coming from. Been at the cross-roads too.
You can do this!
You ARE a smart woman.
You know what to do and to drive on is what you will do!
You know the way around those nasty diversions!
You will Spin right on by them and leave smoke in their eyes!

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An Update on the Flight Craziness

Monday, July 12, 2010

Just wanted to let you all know that I did write an article about the issues I had with the seat belt...and the negative comments about 'fat people' remind me why I hate calling attention to my weight. People can be SO mean!

I'm not taking it to heart, so don't worry. I actually laughed at the guy who said I eat Twinkies - considering I really hate Twinkies...I'd rather have a Ho-Ho, thanks! ;) I guess I've become a little numb to the "fat comments," which is progress in the right direction.

I refuse to respond to the comments because this is a battle that will never be won. There are certain arguments in our society that will never end. My point in writing the article was not to defend fat people, but to call attention to the saftey risk I felt I was in. I don't want it to happen to anyone else, and you can be DANG sure that the next time something like this happens I will stand up in the aisle until the F/A takes notice and comes to make me sit down. She was ignoring my gestures from my seat, so I guess I needed to take more blatent (and annoying) action next time.

I can take full responsibility for the fact that I didn't ask her 10 times for the thing. I'm somewhat new to flying and I'm never sure on the rules. I'm always afraid to push that button, especially during the taxi...I don't want her to have to stop the plane and have everyone on the plane wanting to kick my behind because of the delay. *shrug*

That being said, the FAA called me back and is making sure the agents who handle this Delta Connection look into the matter. I just don't want someone else to go through what I went through - which was an hour and a half in hysterics, partly because I was so tired, but also because I was so darn scared for my safety and the safety of those around me. I always tell my husband that I don't speak up because I "hate to be a burden" but he reminds me time and time again that I have the right, and the duty, to speak up for myself. I feel like I did that.

I just didn't want you all to wonder whatever happened to that. I thought over it for an entire day before writing the article, and I told Hubs what would happen if and when I posted it. I knew there would be negative "fat" comments coming out of the woodwork. Now it seems that Hubs is more concerned over the comments than I am as he feels the need to stick up for his wife. I told him I'm good. That some people will never understand, and that I love him for wanting to protect me from it.

Please remember that no matter what your size, no matter how far you've come, there will always be people like this in the world. And then remember that their ignorance does not reflect upon you. Remember that you have every right to demand what you pay for and what you fight for. You have every right to health and safety, especially when you Sparkers are all working so hard to acheive that each and every day here. Words can be like daggers, but it's proving people wrong and rising above that brings the most vindication.

emoticon you all, fatty and skinny alike! You are ALL amazing and wonderful people!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KNOWMOREBBK 7/12/2010 10:43PM

    Those comments were made by small minds. Yours is not. Even if you weigh 125 lbs, you will never be in the small minds club. I truly can not stand people like that who just want to tear other people down instead of lifting them up. If only they knew how much you are doing....Actually no... I don't think they have earned the right to know you at all.

Delta has lost my business.

Score 1 for Esther.



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SUGIRL06 7/12/2010 8:11PM

    Way to go on posting that article! I read some of the comments. The ones that were bad, I just skipped and didn't waste my time. I'm glad someone "defended" you in saying that your weight is no reflection upon your character and that you were just bring a problem to light. Anyway! Bravo to you for putting yourself out there. And you are right, ignore the comments!
~Ang

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RAVENSONG37 7/12/2010 5:47PM

    hahaha...Becky...fat is temporary, stupidity is forever! I love it. Esther, you did a great job and some from the peanut gallery are knuckleheads. I left a comment because my blood began to boil...I HATE stigma and ignorance...I love that you wrote what you did and I'm so glad to hear that the airline is looking into it. It must have taken huge stones to put it out there, understanding the response you could get. I'm so proud of you and hope that someone else may not have your experience in the future because you spoke up this time. You ROCK!

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ERIN1128 7/12/2010 5:36PM

    Well written article indeed. I was a bit shocked at the vitriol in some of the comments, but of course I also noticed that they were all writing under fake names...funny how people can be total jerks on the internet when they can be anonymous.

I don't know if this is a Delta problem, or an airline problem, but I can say that my ILs just had a terrible experience wtih Delta - numerous flight delays, and the Delta agents were complete jerks.

Anyhow, good for you for standing up for yourself!

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CALLIKIA 7/12/2010 5:05PM

    I *love* you all. I knew it was better to just get the support I needed here. I will make sure Shane reads these comments tonight so that he knows that it's not all bad. When I have people like you on my side, I can go up against a lot! :)
SPARKPOWER!
emoticon

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TEAM-SARAH 7/12/2010 4:52PM

    Oh my god I went to read your (very well written) article and I saw the comments and its just appalling. Everyone is like "well screw her, she's fat so who cares?" like you deserve to be treated like a piece of crap and it's your own fault. I mean... wow. Just... makes me absolutely disgusted. I'm glad you're handling it so well and have such a great attitude. It honestly makes me sick.

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BECKYB73 7/12/2010 4:44PM

    Perhaps the part I enjoy most about the comments is that you can tell some real men of genius are at work. Perhaps the comment I would leave is, for you fat is a transitionary phase...for them, stupidity is for life.

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KARVY09 7/12/2010 4:34PM

    You were right and brave to write this article, Esther! And you are a wonderful writer and you are making CHANGE by doing this.

So proud of you!

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