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Mental Roadblocks - W12.D3

Tuesday, July 13, 2010



The past few days I've been seeing these signs popping up all over the place. I never really took notice before. For the first couple months it was all about pushing through, about proving myself and everyone wrong. But now that it's been 85 days of mostly excellent work on my part, I've let these signs show me a different way.

I got nearly all the way home last night and realized how really tired my body was, how much I did not want to go through an hour long Zumba class, how I only had a dollar in my purse (the class is 3 bucks), and I let those roadblocks derail me from my goal. I went home and watched TV with Hubs and set up my new iPhone. I felt a little guilty the whole night, and it just got worse from there.

When I got home I realized Hubs hadn't gotten to the dishes yet. And I was tired. And I didn't want to cook. So I grabbed some cereal for dinner. And I felt guilty again, because I had let the roadblocks set for me at home derail me once more. I kept telling myself how exhausted I was and how much I really just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep. And I didn't. And I stayed up until 11:30pm, and then to midnight talking to Hubs before sleep. And I was tired, but I let the diversions around me keep me from my bed, my much-needed sleep.

I keep thinking about the 10K training I had originally set for myself, and how I haven't even tried to get back at it. I know the biggest reason is because I don't think I can do it...but I tell myself it's because I'm tired, or hot, or whatever. I give myself excuses instead of facing the true facts of the matter.

I'm a smart girl. I am. While I've never prided myself on my looks or beauty, I have always felt that I made up for it in logical smarts. I mean, I'm no genius - I always used to say that I was the smartest of the average people, and the most average (or dumbest) of the smart people. So why do I insist upon letting myself resort the habits that created this mess in the first place?

As I sit here now, I want to remove this whole blog and pretend that everything is fine. It's not. I hurt. (TMI alert) The Depo has messed up my cycle so that what should have lasted 3 days normally, has lasted 6. My stomach hurts all the time and I feel tired and worn out. And while I know this may have something to do with this feeling, I also know that I have pushed through it before and I could very well do that again - I have simply chosen not to. I saw the sign "DANGER AHEAD" and instead of just pushing through with caution, I stopped my car on the side of the road. And here I sit, debating whether to turn around or keep moving forward. I know that the road ahead is dangerous, littered with potholes and whatever else might get in my way, but I also know that it is the only way to my destination. There isn't another path or road. Just this one.

Honestly, the fact that I'm debating this at all both saddens me and makes me eternally happy. On the one hand, in the past I would have simply turned around without a second thought and started looking for a detour. I would have let myself get caught up in the DANGER part, and not on what was beyond it. And then again, the girl who got here 85 days ago would have never even stopped. She wouldn't have even seen the sign, or she would have seen it as a challenge. I'm facing these roadblocks, instead, with consideration - and I can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

I have so much weight to lose.
Everyone around me has already come so far - they're almost done.
I'll be left behind - I already have been.
It's so hard.
It's so expensive.
I'm so tired.

They pour out of me and I try to make the pro/con list in my head and remind myself that while all of that may be true, it is also true that.

It is worth it.
I have already come so far myself.
I know what to do, I just need to do it.
I'm more ready for this than I ever have been.
I can sleep when I'm dead, or skinny.
It's not about how you look in your clothes, but how you feel in them.
Working out energizes you, and makes you sleep more soundly.

And, yet...still I sit. On the side of the road. And the weather goes from humidity to downpour, and I just sit there staring at that sign, not sure what to do. I know in my heart that I can never turn back now. There's nothing left for me back there. And I also know that beyond this road are so many wonderful things that I have always wanted and never had. But I sit. And sit. Until I feel like I can move on...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KIMMAS82 7/13/2010 1:57PM

    I don't know what your situation is with Depo but I do feel the need to tell you my story. Hope you don't mind. I wrote a blog about it a while ago.

http://www.sparkpeople.
com/mypage_public_journal_indiv
idual.asp?blog_id=2944141

Sorry to put my stuff on you but I was never told the stuff I found out since the day I wrote that blog and I wish I would have been.

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TEAM-SARAH 7/13/2010 1:11PM

    Keep with it and you know someday YOU will be that person that is "almost done" You gotta quit doubting yourself. You have proven in these past few months how much you can do and you can continue to do this. We all have bad days and days where we just don't have the energy, but stay focused. You can do it!!

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SUGIRL06 7/13/2010 12:21PM

    I think you've already made your decision to keep going, you are just going a little slower than before! (How's that for fitting in with the metaphor?) I know the feeling you had yesterday. I've had those days! And sometimes, you just need a rest. When you catch yourself doing this several days in a row, just tell yourself "tough luck" and get to the gym. Pout whine and cry your way through your workout and your healthy dinner and just do it. Usually, I feel much better the next day and back to normal. Sometimes it takes several days of pouting and whining and acting like a 2 year old but its all worth it in the end!
~Ang

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LADYINOHIO 7/13/2010 11:45AM

    Not sure if you realize it, but YOU, my dear, are an EXCELLENT writer.
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I really love the symbolism of the signs and what seems to be derailing you from your path. I mean, I don't love the down-and-out feelings you're going through, and I hope you're feeling better in that respect when the Depo evens out and you're not dealing with lady-bits issues(gawd does that suck!)
Everyday it's a balancing act for me, and you've achieved way more days of excellence in behavior and keeping your sights set on the goal than I have, and in much shorter time, too.
To add to your list of good stuff to focus on, don't forget that you are INSPIRING to others, I can speak of that first-hand! Keep on setting a great example on how to change your life, how to pursue a healthy lifestyle, and how to overcome those little depressing hurdles that we ALLLL run into. I think you're doing great, and that you're an amazing, beautiful woman.
Let's do this thing!
Let's keep on fighting the good fight, together!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BECKYB73 7/13/2010 11:44AM

    You are not alone! I'm stalled at minus 26, mostly because I'm a dumb ass and I've got at a MINIMUM 124 left to lose...that's just so I'll be at 225...which is still, most likely fat, fat, fat.

Giving up is not an option. Taking a break to mentally prepare and psych yourself up for the journey ahead IS an option. It just makes you human.

The road is long, but that doesn't mean it can't be traveled.

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BAYCORNER 7/13/2010 11:31AM

    Great blog. Thanks so much for sharing it with us. You are one heck of a writer. What a blessing that you can get your thoughts and feelings out on paper.

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GOGOSHIRE 7/13/2010 11:18AM

    Hey, no one is getting left behind. You are an AB girl, and no one is leaving anyone behind.

It's normal to have these thoughts, and it's really good that you are blogging them and getting them out there. It's important to stop and evaluate everything once in a while. It's easier to see where you're headed if you take a good look at where you've been.

The excuses you used to stop:
"It's so hard.
It's so expensive.
I'm so tired"

can be turned around and used for excuses to keep going & rocking it like you have been for the last 30 days

It's so hard BEING OVERWEIGHT
It's so expensive BEING OVERWEIGHT (emotionally, physically, etc)
I'm so tired OF NOT BEING AT MY IDEAL WEIGHT.

I'm in just Week 1 of the C25k program, and you are such an inspiration to me. Don't worry about being left behind! Keep remembering that there are those of us behind you looking up to you and your AWESOMENESS!

Keep fighting the good fight. We're all right here cheering you on!

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PRETTYMANDI 7/13/2010 10:46AM

    There have been many times I had to take a rest on this journey. But I always pick myself back up and keep moving forward, and I know you will too!

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 7/13/2010 10:33AM

    You have been going strong for the past 85 days. You said your body was tired. Sometimes we have to take a pause before continuing on this journey. The important part is that you continue on this journey. You and strong, determined and beautiful.
Rest, refocus (possibly on that 10k goal) and when you are ready start moving towards you goal again. Switching things up (even rest) helps the body stay on it's toes so to speak, thus helping you lose weight faster.
You are doing amazing, keep your head up. Once the rain clears you will see the road is not so dangerous, especially with your sparkfriends their beside you

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NIXIE27 7/13/2010 10:20AM

    It may also be time to check in to that motel you are parked beside. Taking a break now and then is good for you. It energizes you and helps you push through the roadblocks ahead of you. The big thing is to let yourself relax a little, without feeling guilty. We all need it.

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RAVENSONG37 7/13/2010 10:19AM

    A few thoughts...randomly written. This is totally normal. I just wrote in my blog about how I'm happy that I even argue with myself about running because I never even used to think about it. Your awareness has changed. What you want or think is possible has changed. These are the growing pains babe. I love you and think you are doing amazing stuff, and thinking about what and why you are doing it is all part of that. About having so much weight to lose...yeah, maybe...but it's hella less than it was 85 days ago. And you don't have to lose it all today. There's just a few things you need to do today and those things are within your capability. I don't know who has left you behind, and I'm sorry that has happened, but I promise to never leave you behind. Whether I have 5 or 50 or 500 pounds to work off, I need your support. I will need it even more when I get to my goal because from what they say, it's harder to keep it off than to lose it. Losing weight is hard, tiring and expensive...but so is not losing weight. I'll bet you all the money in my left pocket that you are either equally happy/satisfied or moreso today than you were 86 days ago.

You did such a great thing by blogging and telling on yourself about these roadblocks. You are addressing them and the next step is to deal with them. You are doing something for yourself just by thinking and talking about your struggle. You are making it manageable. You are being aware and mindful of the choices you make. Take some time to rest if you need it. It's just as important as pushing yourself to workout or eat well.

Most importantly, though, give yourself a big hug for me. Do it, now...wrap your arms around that shrinking body of yours and hug yourself. You are beautiful and wonderful and perfect just the way you are.

Comment edited on: 7/13/2010 10:19:57 AM

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KNOWMOREBBK 7/13/2010 9:59AM

    Well I think you have come to the right place. We have all been there. Yes. You have a lot of weight to lose. I have a lot of weight to lose. Some of us have more weight to lose and some of have less. It's a lifestyle. Those that have less weight to lose still have to live the same healthy lifestyle of those that have more weight to lose. What is your other option? To gain weight? Are you going to go back to that? You won't. Because you know that this lifestyle you are currently on will take you places. And those places are all the places you want to see. You want to see the world from a kayak... Not from a hospital bed. Find your vision picture of future Esther whenever you feel stuck. She will show you the way.

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MERAINA 7/13/2010 9:26AM

    I know where you're coming from. Been at the cross-roads too.
You can do this!
You ARE a smart woman.
You know what to do and to drive on is what you will do!
You know the way around those nasty diversions!
You will Spin right on by them and leave smoke in their eyes!

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An Update on the Flight Craziness

Monday, July 12, 2010

Just wanted to let you all know that I did write an article about the issues I had with the seat belt...and the negative comments about 'fat people' remind me why I hate calling attention to my weight. People can be SO mean!

I'm not taking it to heart, so don't worry. I actually laughed at the guy who said I eat Twinkies - considering I really hate Twinkies...I'd rather have a Ho-Ho, thanks! ;) I guess I've become a little numb to the "fat comments," which is progress in the right direction.

I refuse to respond to the comments because this is a battle that will never be won. There are certain arguments in our society that will never end. My point in writing the article was not to defend fat people, but to call attention to the saftey risk I felt I was in. I don't want it to happen to anyone else, and you can be DANG sure that the next time something like this happens I will stand up in the aisle until the F/A takes notice and comes to make me sit down. She was ignoring my gestures from my seat, so I guess I needed to take more blatent (and annoying) action next time.

I can take full responsibility for the fact that I didn't ask her 10 times for the thing. I'm somewhat new to flying and I'm never sure on the rules. I'm always afraid to push that button, especially during the taxi...I don't want her to have to stop the plane and have everyone on the plane wanting to kick my behind because of the delay. *shrug*

That being said, the FAA called me back and is making sure the agents who handle this Delta Connection look into the matter. I just don't want someone else to go through what I went through - which was an hour and a half in hysterics, partly because I was so tired, but also because I was so darn scared for my safety and the safety of those around me. I always tell my husband that I don't speak up because I "hate to be a burden" but he reminds me time and time again that I have the right, and the duty, to speak up for myself. I feel like I did that.

I just didn't want you all to wonder whatever happened to that. I thought over it for an entire day before writing the article, and I told Hubs what would happen if and when I posted it. I knew there would be negative "fat" comments coming out of the woodwork. Now it seems that Hubs is more concerned over the comments than I am as he feels the need to stick up for his wife. I told him I'm good. That some people will never understand, and that I love him for wanting to protect me from it.

Please remember that no matter what your size, no matter how far you've come, there will always be people like this in the world. And then remember that their ignorance does not reflect upon you. Remember that you have every right to demand what you pay for and what you fight for. You have every right to health and safety, especially when you Sparkers are all working so hard to acheive that each and every day here. Words can be like daggers, but it's proving people wrong and rising above that brings the most vindication.

emoticon you all, fatty and skinny alike! You are ALL amazing and wonderful people!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KNOWMOREBBK 7/12/2010 10:43PM

    Those comments were made by small minds. Yours is not. Even if you weigh 125 lbs, you will never be in the small minds club. I truly can not stand people like that who just want to tear other people down instead of lifting them up. If only they knew how much you are doing....Actually no... I don't think they have earned the right to know you at all.

Delta has lost my business.

Score 1 for Esther.



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SUGIRL06 7/12/2010 8:11PM

    Way to go on posting that article! I read some of the comments. The ones that were bad, I just skipped and didn't waste my time. I'm glad someone "defended" you in saying that your weight is no reflection upon your character and that you were just bring a problem to light. Anyway! Bravo to you for putting yourself out there. And you are right, ignore the comments!
~Ang

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RAVENSONG37 7/12/2010 5:47PM

    hahaha...Becky...fat is temporary, stupidity is forever! I love it. Esther, you did a great job and some from the peanut gallery are knuckleheads. I left a comment because my blood began to boil...I HATE stigma and ignorance...I love that you wrote what you did and I'm so glad to hear that the airline is looking into it. It must have taken huge stones to put it out there, understanding the response you could get. I'm so proud of you and hope that someone else may not have your experience in the future because you spoke up this time. You ROCK!

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ERIN1128 7/12/2010 5:36PM

    Well written article indeed. I was a bit shocked at the vitriol in some of the comments, but of course I also noticed that they were all writing under fake names...funny how people can be total jerks on the internet when they can be anonymous.

I don't know if this is a Delta problem, or an airline problem, but I can say that my ILs just had a terrible experience wtih Delta - numerous flight delays, and the Delta agents were complete jerks.

Anyhow, good for you for standing up for yourself!

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CALLIKIA 7/12/2010 5:05PM

    I *love* you all. I knew it was better to just get the support I needed here. I will make sure Shane reads these comments tonight so that he knows that it's not all bad. When I have people like you on my side, I can go up against a lot! :)
SPARKPOWER!
emoticon

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TEAM-SARAH 7/12/2010 4:52PM

    Oh my god I went to read your (very well written) article and I saw the comments and its just appalling. Everyone is like "well screw her, she's fat so who cares?" like you deserve to be treated like a piece of crap and it's your own fault. I mean... wow. Just... makes me absolutely disgusted. I'm glad you're handling it so well and have such a great attitude. It honestly makes me sick.

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BECKYB73 7/12/2010 4:44PM

    Perhaps the part I enjoy most about the comments is that you can tell some real men of genius are at work. Perhaps the comment I would leave is, for you fat is a transitionary phase...for them, stupidity is for life.

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KARVY09 7/12/2010 4:34PM

    You were right and brave to write this article, Esther! And you are a wonderful writer and you are making CHANGE by doing this.

So proud of you!

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T-I-K-I Week and Weigh-In - Week 12.Day 2

Monday, July 12, 2010

Yesterday was weigh-in day...but I didn't blog. Mostly because I haven't been feeling up to it lately. As you can tell from my last few blogs, I've been emotionally drained lately. Some of it is TOM. Some of it is facing the future and the challenges that go along with that. I'm frustrated a lot lately and wondering why I can't seem to "catch a break" as they say. I should know better. Nothing in life is easy (at least not in my life). I've had to work hard for everything I've wanted, and this is no different at all. So my choices are to sit around and whine about how it's not fair, which is what I've been doing a lot of lately, or to take the bull by the horns and push forward. I'm ready for step two now. Come what may with job and weight loss, I'm willing to fight so that, no matter what happens, I can say that I gave it my all.

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Starting Weight: 466.6
SP SW: 416.2
Last Week: 378
Goal This Week: 376
Actual: 377.8
Weight Lost This Week: .2 pounds
Total Weight Lost with SP: 38.4
Total Weight Lost overall: 88.8

Yep. .2 pounds is all I got from this insane week. I'm really not surprised. I have no excuses - I just didn't fight hard enough for those 2 pounds I wanted this week. Maybe I'll pull out all the stops and catch up this week, but even if I don't, I'm going to give it my all.

Goal for next week: 375 (-2.8)

In order to get that little extra I'm trying for, I have to keep my ducks in line. It's only 6 days of pushing myself. I can do 6 days, honestly. Here is what I have planned:

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Monday (today): Zumba after work, walk dog, garden (if not pouring...I can walk in the rain but I don't feel like digging in mud all night), clean, Yoga lunch break

Tuesday: 20-25 minute brisk walk in the morning, day 1 of 30 day shred (and try to make it all the way through this time), walk dog, clean, Yoga lunch break

Wednesday: Zumba after work, walk dog, clean, garden (weather permitting), Yoga lunch break

Thursday: 20-25 minute brisk walk, walk with dog, clean, garden (weather permitting), day 2 of 30 day shred (yep, spacing it out...I have to right now), Yoga lunch break

Friday: hike up the back hill for 2 hours (weather permitting), walk dog, garden, AM and PM Yoga

Saturday: Zumba, walk dog, garden, clean, day 3 of 30 day shred, 3 mile endurance walk (this day sounds a little difficult...I hope I don't run out of steam by the end of the week)

I'm also going to try to start doing a little ST throughout the day. I hate sitting at this desk for hours, so each hour I'm going to get up and do two sets of a certain ST exercise. I'll end up working my entire body, but it won't feel overwhelming.

But exercise isn't enough, Esther. Yep...I know that. Food is a big part of it. Right now we're skint, so I will have to work with what we already have.

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Monday (today):
Breakfast - toast
Lunch - Tator Tot Casserole (leftover from last night)
Dinner - Vegetable Couscous with beans
Snacks - Fiber One bars, Stacy's chips, apple

Tuesday:
Breakfast - Omelet with 1 slice of toast
Lunch - Couscous with beans (leftovers)
Dinner - Vegetable Stir Fry (need to figure out the protein here), Brown Rice
Snacks - apple, Fiber One bars, cauliflower with light ranch

Wednesday:
Breakfast - 2 Eggs and 2 slices of toast
Lunch - Stir Fry leftovers
Dinner - Hearty Vegetable Soup with Black Beans and Lentils
Snacks - Cauliflower, Stacy's chips, Toast with Freezer Jam

Thursday:
Breakfast - Toast and a Smoothie
Lunch - Soup leftovers
Dinner - Lean Hamburgers, Veggies
Snacks - apple, Fiber One bar, hummus and cauliflower

Friday: (payday = shopping)
Breakfast - Fiber One pancakes with light syrup
Lunch - Grilled Salmon and Vegetables
Dinner - Chicken Pot Pie
Snacks - Fresh fruits and vegetables

Saturday:
Breakfast - Omelet or Fiber One pancakes with fruit
Lunch - Gyros
Dinner - We may go out, since it's our last night w/o the kids
Snacks - Fresh fruits/vegs, Pita chips

If I can stick to this plan at least 90% of the time, I should be golden! We may end up going out on a "date," hubs and I, but I will make sure I order the right way, eat only until full and not stuffed, and take whatever is leftover home for the next day.

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Finally, my TIKI challenge for this week. It's all mental...

T - Trust yourself. You have the tools, you just need to put them to use.

I - Investigate healthier options at the store, and plan ahead before setting out!

K - Keep fresh fruits and veggies on hand -- and USE them!

I - In all things, you must try. You must fight! Put up those dukes!

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TX.PATRICIA 7/14/2010 9:35AM

    You can do it!!!! Great planning helps!

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MERAINA 7/12/2010 5:39PM

    Keep on going girl! You will make it happen!
Keep that chin up and fight for what you want!

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KILA1228 7/12/2010 2:49PM

    You're different a planner! I admire people like that!! =) Don't worry about feeling like blah, blah. We all have those moments and your not alone, girl!!

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CREATINGAMANDA 7/12/2010 9:46AM

    Love it! You're one busy girl! And hey - I know it can be frustrating but a 0.2 lb loss is MUCH better than a 0.2 lb gain, yes?

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KARVY09 7/12/2010 9:13AM

    You can rock this, Esther. Don't sweat the weigh-in. You were flying and eating on the run and that has a lot to do with it.

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THEWEIGHTSOVER 7/12/2010 9:05AM

    Great plan for the week. Planning is so important and I definitely don't do enough of it. I am sure you will rock your next weigh in. Keep up the great work. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SUGIRL06 7/12/2010 9:00AM

    Great plan for the week!!! You can do it!
~Ang

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This is My Blog for the Day - W11.D7

Saturday, July 10, 2010

A few things.

1. I have totally sucked lately. Totally mentally and physically exhausted. Trying to get my head back in the game.

2. I'm so proud of my little football player. He just spent 3 days at football camp. He got his pads and helmet this morning...I took pics and will post them later. SO cute! He can't wait to start practice. He really wants to be a more defensive player so he can knock people down. *lol*

3. My boys leave tomorrow for a week at Grandma's house. I hope to take this time to get my act together and get some heavy workouts in, as well as some healthy cooking. Time to stop sucking.

4. Work...sucks. I feel completely disinterested and disconnected. It's time to move on for good.

5. I miss you all, but I don't quite have the energy yet to devote to the catch up. Got some driving to do tomorrow to get the boys sent off, so I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow either.

6. It's my TOM, and while the Depo has made it easier, the emotional crap remains. Wonder if this is part of my sucking lately.

Take care everyone! Just know that I'm still here, just barely. Just tired and trying to mentally center myself once more. We all have times like this...and I need a little time to wok through it on my own.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THEWEIGHTSOVER 7/11/2010 6:19PM

    Take care of yourself. I'm so glad you are getting a small break with the kids at gramma's house. My daughter went to camp to day and I am so looking forward to some needed peace and quiet. Take this time to pamper yourself a little bit. If you need a little inspiration, reread some of your former posts. Take care! emoticon

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RAVENSONG37 7/11/2010 3:11PM

    I love you and I know you don't suck! Do what you need to and take care of you. You have been doing really tough stuff lately and you have a ton to give yourself credit for. Huge hugs from me to you. Looking forward to hearing from you when you're able.

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KNOWMOREBBK 7/11/2010 11:50AM

    Keep logging in and you'll get back to where you need to be. You have a lot going on. Make sure you make time for you.

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MEGSFITNESS 7/11/2010 7:52AM

    Awe, take the time you need to sort through this and figure things out. You're far from being anywhere close to "off the wagon".

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BAYBELIEVER 7/11/2010 12:33AM

    Take care of yourself! Get the rest you need, start back tracking and touching base slowly, whatever works for you. We are here when you are!

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Half Good/Half Bad - W11.D6

Friday, July 09, 2010

I woke up at 4am yesterday morning. (Did you know they have one of those in the morning, too?) By 6:15am I had finished all morning prep and was headed to Columbus to catch a flight to NY.

The flight into New York went wonderful. I actually enjoyed flying (for once) and it was clear most the time so I got to watch the world go by under us. I think I drifted off to sleep a couple times. *lol* Once I got there, I made a quick change and grabbed a cab. The cabbie was great! He was aggressive, but not crazy (hard to come by! *lol*) He dropped me off in front of the building at just after 2pm and I had just enough time to grab a quick bite to eat. (I had researched earlier and knew there was a pita place on 14th street. YUM!) Got a really healthy pita with grilled chicken, hummus, grilled eggplant on a whole wheat pita. It was SOOO good! A little too early for my taste, but too hot to just wait outside, I headed up to my interview. (BTW - I'm standing outside the pita place with my suit on and some girl comes up to me to ask me where the pizza place is around there. *lol* She thought I was a local...that's so cute! I laughed and told her I had no idea! *snort*)

It went brilliantly. The VP seemed very happy to meet me and it seemed to me that I had all the qualifications they were really looking for in that position. She kept mentioning my journalism background and a small amount of PR-type experience from my other job. I asked a lot of questions about the job, and it sounds brilliantly wonderful. Like...perfect job. I WANT this job. I want to work for this woman. She's wonderful. The job is wonderful...and a real starting point to where I really want to be the rest of my life.

Problem? The pay. It's entry level pay. Suckage! But, if I put in two years or so, I could eventually move to something better paying, something more up to the place I have always dreamed of being. So for now, we wait. We see if they make an offer and then we try to figure it out. Whether we can do it. Whether it's worth it. Whether there are sacrifices I can make to make it work. We wait and then we decide.

It was all great. I finished my interview, walked to Union Square and sat down for a while to de-stress a bit. Then bought a Metro Card and took the subway through Brooklyn and on to the Air Tran to get to JFK in plenty of time for my return flight. All was well...and then they canceled our flight. It all fell apart after that. I ended up dealing with some really horrible girl at the Delta counter who gave me a ticket to Cleveland leaving at 9:10pm. She told me I could drive an hour to Columbus in a rental car. No big deal, right? HA! Cleveland is 2.5 hours from Columbus! She told me this was my only option other than spending the night at a hotel and flying to Minneapolis and onto Columbus the next day at like 4pm. She was horrible. She didn't try to find another flight (there was one on another airline that left at 8:55pm, btw.) She didn't offer to find me something out of LaGuardia. She made a Korean guy cry. She was HORRIBLE. I tried to talk to someone else, but my flight (for Cleveland) boarded before I could. The girl basically shrugged her shoulders at me and told me "tough luck." (BTW - totally their fault. It was a mechanical issue that canceled our flight.)

I figured I'd get to Cleveland and try to figure it out. And then I spent half the flight without a seat belt. Yep, you heard me right. I asked the flight attendant for an extender when I first got on the plane. "Don't worry honey. I've got you. I won't forget you. I'll see if we have any extra, and if not I'll give you the one I use for the demonstration when I'm done." And then she forgot. She did her demonstration, and then sat down and turned off the cabin lights. I tried to wave her over, but then we were headed down the runway. And then taking off. And then the pilot decided to keep the seat belt light on because of the storms, which I could see out my window, over the wing (which freaks me out already, btw). And then she finally decided to give out drinks...VERY slowly. And I was in row 15...in the back. Once she got to me, I was a wreck. I cried so much and was shaking. I nearly had a panic attack on that plane. Once she got to me she asked if I wanted a drink. I held up the undone seat belt and said, "Can I have a seat belt now?"

It was the most horrible hour of my life. Honestly. And while I hadn't intended to complain when I got to Cleveland, by the time I got there, I figured it was necessary. The guy at the Delta desk looked shocked to hear that I had no seat belt. (Yeah, really? I'm sure the FAA and TSA would be pretty peeved too!) They eventually got me a cab to Columbus to make up for the mechanical issue on the flight out of JFK (which they didn't even pay the cabbie the full fare...which made me angry!). I slept most of the way to Columbus. The cabbie was very sweet, and I tipped him what I could. Then I drove the 2.5 hours home.

I got home this morning at 4:30am. This means I was up for more than 24 hours with only a nap for about an hour and a half to two hours. SO tired.

Today I'll be writing an article about my trip. (How silly of them, to screw with a journalist...who wants bad press that bad?) After that, a strongly-worded letter to Delta customer service...and maybe a little sharing with the FAA. I'm not sure what I'll do, honestly. I just know that I don't want this to happen to anyone else. I realize I'm not a priority member, but that doesn't make me a piece of dirt. I realize that I'm overweight and need a seat belt extender, but that doesn't mean I don't deserve the respect and SAFETY that other people have by right. They have extenders on those planes for a reason. I always ask and never assume anything. I've never had any problem before. But here I was, unbuckled..and the girl managed to squeak out an "Oh, I'm sorry" and that was that. I don't want another overweight person to go through this. (Delta SUCKS at dealing with overweight passengers, btw.) This girl helped a bunch of other people feel "more comfortable" and all I wanted was the basics.

Think just what could have happened (I did for over a half hour without a seat belt). There MUST be a reason for seat belts on a plane. I thought about turbulence and how, if we were bouncing around, I could injure myself or fling into another passenger and hurt them. I did not want to hurt anyone on that plane. I felt guilty. I felt ashamed. I felt like it was my fault. And then I realized it wasn't.

Sometimes this weight thing is a challenge. And I'm working on it, and I hope to one day not have to deal with issues like this. But I will not stand for someone being treated differently just because of what they look like. I work for an anti-discrimination agency right now. I was in the Columbus Council on World Affairs when I was younger. I have stood against racist comments from others, or someone being treated differently because of where they're from, what language they speak, what race they are, what sex they are, etc. How come it's not okay to treat someone horribly because they are a minority, but it's okay to treat someone who is fat so horribly...to deny them basic safety precautions. Why is this issue argued again and again, but nothing is ever done about it?

*sigh* I'm angry and saddened. I *hate* that this overshadows the beautiful day I had before this last flight.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

-SHIMMER-ANN- 7/11/2010 2:06PM

    Lame!!!! I hope you get the job... :)

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_TRIXIE_ 7/10/2010 11:36AM

    Wow. What a crappy end to an amazing day. I hope you write an amazing piece and that it gets picked up EVERYWHERE. Or at least places like Nat Geo Traveler or something. To not get a seatbelt extender is simply wrong.

But, I will focus on the positives. Congrats on rockin' the interview! That must've felt so good and so empowering to walk out of there with your head held high knowing that you kicked ass. :) I can't wait to hear what happens for you and your family next!

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STLRZGRRL 7/10/2010 11:26AM

    YAY YOU!!!

You DID kill the interview!

And NOW... DUN DUN DUN!

CALLI THE DRAGON-SLAYER... BE SO AFRAID, DELTA BOOBS!!!!


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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 7/10/2010 7:13AM

    I am so so so sorry that this happened to you. Definitely write to Delta to let them know of your experiences, it completely unacceptable. Don't let the negative overshadow the positive energy of your interview, though. If you want this job, MANIFEST this job. I will certainly think positive thoughts and send them your way. emoticon

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-JENSSPARK- 7/10/2010 12:26AM

    Congrats on the good interview! I can't wait to hear what happens!!

That really sucks about the flight. I'd have been so mad! Stick it to them using your words!

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LUCYSUNFLOWER 7/9/2010 6:46PM

    I had a bad experience with another airline several years ago and I collected the name of the offender and the ones who saved me and I wrote a letter! It felt good to speak up about the problems (checked me in under someone else's name and destination) and the successes (the lost baggage person was a saint!). I think you should let rip and copy FFA and TSA and anyone else who might care.

Besides that... WOOHOO on the interview!! If that job would make your heart sing then take it when they offer! Maybe you can do some freelance stuff to add to your income... I'm so glad you did so well!!

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TEAM-SARAH 7/9/2010 5:57PM

    That's ridiculous! I'm so sorry you had such a horrible experience on your return flight. Safety is a basic right. You paid for your plane ticket and you need to buckle up. Utterly ridiculous! I'm just so glad for you that it was your RETURN flight and not before your interview!!!! WHICH btw I'm so happy that it went well for you. I hope you get it and that you can find a way to make it work. It stinks that it's entry leave, but if it's going to put you on the right path... that'd be amazing if you can do it. Fingers crossed for you.

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THEWEIGHTSOVER 7/9/2010 5:52PM

    Well congrats on how well the interview went. I can totally understand how angry, frustrated, embarrassed etc. the seatbelt incident made you feel. I have not dared to fly for years because I was afraid, 1. they would make me buy a 2nd seat. or 2. the extender wouldn't be long enough, or 3. I would be squishing everyone near me. I even missed out on a trip tp Disney my whole extended family went on because I was too scared to face the possible humiliation. I give you huge kudos for being brave and even speaking up when you weren't treated fairly. I hope are offered the job and it works out. Keep positive. emoticon

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KNOWMOREBBK 7/9/2010 4:55PM

    I have had nightmare flights, but yours borders on living-hell. Stick it to them. I can't stand how poorly customer service has become in this country, but to actually put someone in danger? Come on.

Having said that...HOW AWESOME WAS THAT INTERVIEW!!!! WOOO-HOOO!!!!! It definitely sounds like a life-changer. I really hope it works out for you!

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 7/9/2010 2:48PM

    I'm going to focus on the positive... You had an amazing interview (Yeah-yah) and what sounds like an incredibly nutritious delicious lunch (Hurray) and got to go to NYC. I'll keep my fingers crossed that everything works out with the job.

Oh and now I think delta sucks....

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OTTAWABOUND 7/9/2010 2:39PM

    Ouch. I've had a few flights like that. And, as you say, it really isn't smart to play that badly with a professional writer.

I hope the job comes through for you. And I bet you won't be flying Delta if you get it :)

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RAVENSONG37 7/9/2010 2:26PM

    I'm happy and angry! Happy to hear that your day was awesome and the important part of the day all went really well. I'm angry that your return home was so stressful. I'm proud of you for being so prepared and kicking that interview's arse! I think you are amazing for so many reasons...none-the-least of which is speaking up for yourself!

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BECKYB73 7/9/2010 2:16PM

    Sometimes you have to take a step back, to be able to move forward professionally...that's something I've done and I haven't regretted it a bit. One thing I would suggest is that if this company isn't paying you for your travel or covering it, they should be. I don't work for a huge company, but EVERYTIME I bring in candidates from out of state, either we make their travel arrangements on our dime, or we reimburse travel expenses...whether we hire them or not. (you may already have all this covered, but I'm a mother hen, so I cluck)

Also, REAM THOSE ()*!@*!#&!!! airlines. I effing hate how they treat people, but the way they deal with us fatties and people with kids is usually unconscionable. Props for insisting on your seat belt. I never wear mine, cause I'm a rebel, but I probably should. I figure I'm wedged so tight in that tiny chair there is no WAY I'm falling out of it...crash or no crash. LOL

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SMURPH32 7/9/2010 2:09PM

    Well, way to go on the interview, first of all. And second of all, I HATE flying. I can totally relate with your experiences, well sort of, mine was a little different... my flight was delayed like 3 hours (ON THE RUNWAY) because of a little rain (UGH!) and then when I got to my destination (still 2.5 hours from my home) I wandered around looking for my suitcase for an hour until I decided that they must have lost it. That set me off... I cried like a baby. I was already so overwhelmed because that was the first time I had flown alone, and only the SECOND time I had ever flown. I have issues with flying, because of a.) all the other people and b.) I'm not in control. So.. 4 days later, my bag was due to arrive... well, Southwest gave me a form to fill out and sign saying that I didn't require the bag to be signed for (because I would be at work). So I left that for the driver but they didn't leave it!!! I had gone home on my lunch break to see if it came and I saw the sticker on my door... and then I saw the Fedex truck turn down another street... so I chased it down. I scared the crap out of the lady but dammit I needed my bag!!! Whew, that was a little bit of a rant, sorry! You'll have to keep us posted on how your reaming of Delta goes! :)

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MEGSFITNESS 7/9/2010 2:09PM

    Oh my gosh! that's so terrible :( I'm sorry they made you go through that... :(

If you want me to write an angry letter and boycott Delta, I completely will.

P.s. if you ever need to layover in Minneapolis, TAKE IT! and call me :D I'll meet up with you and tell you all about this lovely town that I call home.

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SUGIRL06 7/9/2010 1:43PM

    You must feel better after writing that all out! I am glad your interview went well and since you seem so pleased with the job, I hope you can figure out a way to take it! I'm sorry for the bad airport experience though. I have worked in customer service, and I don't care HOW BAD of a day you are having, you always should try to help the customer. She was just inconsiderate about the flight. I would definitely write about that at least. And I'm sorry the attendant forgot your seat belt. Don't they usually walk down the aisle and check each row? At least glance and make themselves available for help? UGH! Ok, I'm done now. Have a better weekend!
~Ang

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MERROWKNEAZLE 7/9/2010 1:20PM

    Oh, honey, that sounds absolutely awful! You should definitely complain about Delta in as many places as you can. Someone deserves to be punished for the way their customers were treated. It sounds like you had a hellish time. I've never been on a plane before and this makes me never want to ride in one, especially not from Delta.

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As for the job, if I were in your position, I'd take the job. But that's just me. If I were faced with a job I wanted more than anything, I'd take it in a heartbeat.

Anyway, I hope you make a good decision.

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KARVY09 7/9/2010 12:48PM

    emoticon

Now that I got that out of the way.

I was in the same position as you as a journalist. I wanted to move to NYC but I couldn't deal with the low pay living in one of the most expensive cities in the world. And yes, it was expensive in NJ and the other boroughs too. I hope that you make the decision that is right for you and your family.

You totally should ream out Delta in an article. That behavior from the check-in desk to rerouting you to Cleveland to refusing to make sure you are safe on a flight is completely unacceptable and dangerous behavior. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

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