Tuesday, July 13, 2010
The past few days I've been seeing these signs popping up all over the place. I never really took notice before. For the first couple months it was all about pushing through, about proving myself and everyone wrong. But now that it's been 85 days of mostly excellent work on my part, I've let these signs show me a different way.
I got nearly all the way home last night and realized how really tired my body was, how much I did not want to go through an hour long Zumba class, how I only had a dollar in my purse (the class is 3 bucks), and I let those roadblocks derail me from my goal. I went home and watched TV with Hubs and set up my new iPhone. I felt a little guilty the whole night, and it just got worse from there.
When I got home I realized Hubs hadn't gotten to the dishes yet. And I was tired. And I didn't want to cook. So I grabbed some cereal for dinner. And I felt guilty again, because I had let the roadblocks set for me at home derail me once more. I kept telling myself how exhausted I was and how much I really just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep. And I didn't. And I stayed up until 11:30pm, and then to midnight talking to Hubs before sleep. And I was tired, but I let the diversions around me keep me from my bed, my much-needed sleep.
I keep thinking about the 10K training I had originally set for myself, and how I haven't even tried to get back at it. I know the biggest reason is because I don't think I can do it...but I tell myself it's because I'm tired, or hot, or whatever. I give myself excuses instead of facing the true facts of the matter.
I'm a smart girl. I am. While I've never prided myself on my looks or beauty, I have always felt that I made up for it in logical smarts. I mean, I'm no genius - I always used to say that I was the smartest of the average people, and the most average (or dumbest) of the smart people. So why do I insist upon letting myself resort the habits that created this mess in the first place?
As I sit here now, I want to remove this whole blog and pretend that everything is fine. It's not. I hurt. (TMI alert) The Depo has messed up my cycle so that what should have lasted 3 days normally, has lasted 6. My stomach hurts all the time and I feel tired and worn out. And while I know this may have something to do with this feeling, I also know that I have pushed through it before and I could very well do that again - I have simply chosen not to. I saw the sign "DANGER AHEAD" and instead of just pushing through with caution, I stopped my car on the side of the road. And here I sit, debating whether to turn around or keep moving forward. I know that the road ahead is dangerous, littered with potholes and whatever else might get in my way, but I also know that it is the only way to my destination. There isn't another path or road. Just this one.
Honestly, the fact that I'm debating this at all both saddens me and makes me eternally happy. On the one hand, in the past I would have simply turned around without a second thought and started looking for a detour. I would have let myself get caught up in the DANGER part, and not on what was beyond it. And then again, the girl who got here 85 days ago would have never even stopped. She wouldn't have even seen the sign, or she would have seen it as a challenge. I'm facing these roadblocks, instead, with consideration - and I can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
I have so much weight to lose.
Everyone around me has already come so far - they're almost done.
I'll be left behind - I already have been.
It's so hard.
It's so expensive.
I'm so tired.
They pour out of me and I try to make the pro/con list in my head and remind myself that while all of that may be true, it is also true that.
It is worth it.
I have already come so far myself.
I know what to do, I just need to do it.
I'm more ready for this than I ever have been.
I can sleep when I'm dead, or skinny.
It's not about how you look in your clothes, but how you feel in them.
Working out energizes you, and makes you sleep more soundly.
And, yet...still I sit. On the side of the road. And the weather goes from humidity to downpour, and I just sit there staring at that sign, not sure what to do. I know in my heart that I can never turn back now. There's nothing left for me back there. And I also know that beyond this road are so many wonderful things that I have always wanted and never had. But I sit. And sit. Until I feel like I can move on...
Monday, July 12, 2010
Just wanted to let you all know that I did write an article about the issues I had with the seat belt...and the negative comments about 'fat people' remind me why I hate calling attention to my weight. People can be SO mean!
I'm not taking it to heart, so don't worry. I actually laughed at the guy who said I eat Twinkies - considering I really hate Twinkies...I'd rather have a Ho-Ho, thanks! ;) I guess I've become a little numb to the "fat comments," which is progress in the right direction.
I refuse to respond to the comments because this is a battle that will never be won. There are certain arguments in our society that will never end. My point in writing the article was not to defend fat people, but to call attention to the saftey risk I felt I was in. I don't want it to happen to anyone else, and you can be DANG sure that the next time something like this happens I will stand up in the aisle until the F/A takes notice and comes to make me sit down. She was ignoring my gestures from my seat, so I guess I needed to take more blatent (and annoying) action next time.
I can take full responsibility for the fact that I didn't ask her 10 times for the thing. I'm somewhat new to flying and I'm never sure on the rules. I'm always afraid to push that button, especially during the taxi...I don't want her to have to stop the plane and have everyone on the plane wanting to kick my behind because of the delay. *shrug*
That being said, the FAA called me back and is making sure the agents who handle this Delta Connection look into the matter. I just don't want someone else to go through what I went through - which was an hour and a half in hysterics, partly because I was so tired, but also because I was so darn scared for my safety and the safety of those around me. I always tell my husband that I don't speak up because I "hate to be a burden" but he reminds me time and time again that I have the right, and the duty, to speak up for myself. I feel like I did that.
I just didn't want you all to wonder whatever happened to that. I thought over it for an entire day before writing the article, and I told Hubs what would happen if and when I posted it. I knew there would be negative "fat" comments coming out of the woodwork. Now it seems that Hubs is more concerned over the comments than I am as he feels the need to stick up for his wife. I told him I'm good. That some people will never understand, and that I love him for wanting to protect me from it.
Please remember that no matter what your size, no matter how far you've come, there will always be people like this in the world. And then remember that their ignorance does not reflect upon you. Remember that you have every right to demand what you pay for and what you fight for. You have every right to health and safety, especially when you Sparkers are all working so hard to acheive that each and every day here. Words can be like daggers, but it's proving people wrong and rising above that brings the most vindication.
you all, fatty and skinny alike! You are ALL amazing and wonderful people!
Monday, July 12, 2010
Yesterday was weigh-in day...but I didn't blog. Mostly because I haven't been feeling up to it lately. As you can tell from my last few blogs, I've been emotionally drained lately. Some of it is TOM. Some of it is facing the future and the challenges that go along with that. I'm frustrated a lot lately and wondering why I can't seem to "catch a break" as they say. I should know better. Nothing in life is easy (at least not in my life). I've had to work hard for everything I've wanted, and this is no different at all. So my choices are to sit around and whine about how it's not fair, which is what I've been doing a lot of lately, or to take the bull by the horns and push forward. I'm ready for step two now. Come what may with job and weight loss, I'm willing to fight so that, no matter what happens, I can say that I gave it my all.
Starting Weight: 466.6
SP SW: 416.2
Last Week: 378
Goal This Week: 376
Weight Lost This Week: .2 pounds
Total Weight Lost with SP: 38.4
Total Weight Lost overall: 88.8
Yep. .2 pounds is all I got from this insane week. I'm really not surprised. I have no excuses - I just didn't fight hard enough for those 2 pounds I wanted this week. Maybe I'll pull out all the stops and catch up this week, but even if I don't, I'm going to give it my all.
Goal for next week: 375 (-2.8)
In order to get that little extra I'm trying for, I have to keep my ducks in line. It's only 6 days of pushing myself. I can do 6 days, honestly. Here is what I have planned:
Monday (today): Zumba after work, walk dog, garden (if not pouring...I can walk in the rain but I don't feel like digging in mud all night), clean, Yoga lunch break
Tuesday: 20-25 minute brisk walk in the morning, day 1 of 30 day shred (and try to make it all the way through this time), walk dog, clean, Yoga lunch break
Wednesday: Zumba after work, walk dog, clean, garden (weather permitting), Yoga lunch break
Thursday: 20-25 minute brisk walk, walk with dog, clean, garden (weather permitting), day 2 of 30 day shred (yep, spacing it out...I have to right now), Yoga lunch break
Friday: hike up the back hill for 2 hours (weather permitting), walk dog, garden, AM and PM Yoga
Saturday: Zumba, walk dog, garden, clean, day 3 of 30 day shred, 3 mile endurance walk (this day sounds a little difficult...I hope I don't run out of steam by the end of the week)
I'm also going to try to start doing a little ST throughout the day. I hate sitting at this desk for hours, so each hour I'm going to get up and do two sets of a certain ST exercise. I'll end up working my entire body, but it won't feel overwhelming.
But exercise isn't enough, Esther. Yep...I know that. Food is a big part of it. Right now we're skint, so I will have to work with what we already have.
Breakfast - toast
Lunch - Tator Tot Casserole (leftover from last night)
Dinner - Vegetable Couscous with beans
Snacks - Fiber One bars, Stacy's chips, apple
Breakfast - Omelet with 1 slice of toast
Lunch - Couscous with beans (leftovers)
Dinner - Vegetable Stir Fry (need to figure out the protein here), Brown Rice
Snacks - apple, Fiber One bars, cauliflower with light ranch
Breakfast - 2 Eggs and 2 slices of toast
Lunch - Stir Fry leftovers
Dinner - Hearty Vegetable Soup with Black Beans and Lentils
Snacks - Cauliflower, Stacy's chips, Toast with Freezer Jam
Breakfast - Toast and a Smoothie
Lunch - Soup leftovers
Dinner - Lean Hamburgers, Veggies
Snacks - apple, Fiber One bar, hummus and cauliflower
Friday: (payday = shopping)
Breakfast - Fiber One pancakes with light syrup
Lunch - Grilled Salmon and Vegetables
Dinner - Chicken Pot Pie
Snacks - Fresh fruits and vegetables
Breakfast - Omelet or Fiber One pancakes with fruit
Lunch - Gyros
Dinner - We may go out, since it's our last night w/o the kids
Snacks - Fresh fruits/vegs, Pita chips
If I can stick to this plan at least 90% of the time, I should be golden! We may end up going out on a "date," hubs and I, but I will make sure I order the right way, eat only until full and not stuffed, and take whatever is leftover home for the next day.
Finally, my TIKI challenge for this week. It's all mental...
T - Trust yourself. You have the tools, you just need to put them to use.
I - Investigate healthier options at the store, and plan ahead before setting out!
K - Keep fresh fruits and veggies on hand -- and USE them!
I - In all things, you must try. You must fight! Put up those dukes!
Friday, July 09, 2010
I woke up at 4am yesterday morning. (Did you know they have one of those in the morning, too?) By 6:15am I had finished all morning prep and was headed to Columbus to catch a flight to NY.
The flight into New York went wonderful. I actually enjoyed flying (for once) and it was clear most the time so I got to watch the world go by under us. I think I drifted off to sleep a couple times. *lol* Once I got there, I made a quick change and grabbed a cab. The cabbie was great! He was aggressive, but not crazy (hard to come by! *lol*) He dropped me off in front of the building at just after 2pm and I had just enough time to grab a quick bite to eat. (I had researched earlier and knew there was a pita place on 14th street. YUM!) Got a really healthy pita with grilled chicken, hummus, grilled eggplant on a whole wheat pita. It was SOOO good! A little too early for my taste, but too hot to just wait outside, I headed up to my interview. (BTW - I'm standing outside the pita place with my suit on and some girl comes up to me to ask me where the pizza place is around there. *lol* She thought I was a local...that's so cute! I laughed and told her I had no idea! *snort*)
It went brilliantly. The VP seemed very happy to meet me and it seemed to me that I had all the qualifications they were really looking for in that position. She kept mentioning my journalism background and a small amount of PR-type experience from my other job. I asked a lot of questions about the job, and it sounds brilliantly wonderful. Like...perfect job. I WANT this job. I want to work for this woman. She's wonderful. The job is wonderful...and a real starting point to where I really want to be the rest of my life.
Problem? The pay. It's entry level pay. Suckage! But, if I put in two years or so, I could eventually move to something better paying, something more up to the place I have always dreamed of being. So for now, we wait. We see if they make an offer and then we try to figure it out. Whether we can do it. Whether it's worth it. Whether there are sacrifices I can make to make it work. We wait and then we decide.
It was all great. I finished my interview, walked to Union Square and sat down for a while to de-stress a bit. Then bought a Metro Card and took the subway through Brooklyn and on to the Air Tran to get to JFK in plenty of time for my return flight. All was well...and then they canceled our flight. It all fell apart after that. I ended up dealing with some really horrible girl at the Delta counter who gave me a ticket to Cleveland leaving at 9:10pm. She told me I could drive an hour to Columbus in a rental car. No big deal, right? HA! Cleveland is 2.5 hours from Columbus! She told me this was my only option other than spending the night at a hotel and flying to Minneapolis and onto Columbus the next day at like 4pm. She was horrible. She didn't try to find another flight (there was one on another airline that left at 8:55pm, btw.) She didn't offer to find me something out of LaGuardia. She made a Korean guy cry. She was HORRIBLE. I tried to talk to someone else, but my flight (for Cleveland) boarded before I could. The girl basically shrugged her shoulders at me and told me "tough luck." (BTW - totally their fault. It was a mechanical issue that canceled our flight.)
I figured I'd get to Cleveland and try to figure it out. And then I spent half the flight without a seat belt. Yep, you heard me right. I asked the flight attendant for an extender when I first got on the plane. "Don't worry honey. I've got you. I won't forget you. I'll see if we have any extra, and if not I'll give you the one I use for the demonstration when I'm done." And then she forgot. She did her demonstration, and then sat down and turned off the cabin lights. I tried to wave her over, but then we were headed down the runway. And then taking off. And then the pilot decided to keep the seat belt light on because of the storms, which I could see out my window, over the wing (which freaks me out already, btw). And then she finally decided to give out drinks...VERY slowly. And I was in row 15...in the back. Once she got to me, I was a wreck. I cried so much and was shaking. I nearly had a panic attack on that plane. Once she got to me she asked if I wanted a drink. I held up the undone seat belt and said, "Can I have a seat belt now?"
It was the most horrible hour of my life. Honestly. And while I hadn't intended to complain when I got to Cleveland, by the time I got there, I figured it was necessary. The guy at the Delta desk looked shocked to hear that I had no seat belt. (Yeah, really? I'm sure the FAA and TSA would be pretty peeved too!) They eventually got me a cab to Columbus to make up for the mechanical issue on the flight out of JFK (which they didn't even pay the cabbie the full fare...which made me angry!). I slept most of the way to Columbus. The cabbie was very sweet, and I tipped him what I could. Then I drove the 2.5 hours home.
I got home this morning at 4:30am. This means I was up for more than 24 hours with only a nap for about an hour and a half to two hours. SO tired.
Today I'll be writing an article about my trip. (How silly of them, to screw with a journalist...who wants bad press that bad?) After that, a strongly-worded letter to Delta customer service...and maybe a little sharing with the FAA. I'm not sure what I'll do, honestly. I just know that I don't want this to happen to anyone else. I realize I'm not a priority member, but that doesn't make me a piece of dirt. I realize that I'm overweight and need a seat belt extender, but that doesn't mean I don't deserve the respect and SAFETY that other people have by right. They have extenders on those planes for a reason. I always ask and never assume anything. I've never had any problem before. But here I was, unbuckled..and the girl managed to squeak out an "Oh, I'm sorry" and that was that. I don't want another overweight person to go through this. (Delta SUCKS at dealing with overweight passengers, btw.) This girl helped a bunch of other people feel "more comfortable" and all I wanted was the basics.
Think just what could have happened (I did for over a half hour without a seat belt). There MUST be a reason for seat belts on a plane. I thought about turbulence and how, if we were bouncing around, I could injure myself or fling into another passenger and hurt them. I did not want to hurt anyone on that plane. I felt guilty. I felt ashamed. I felt like it was my fault. And then I realized it wasn't.
Sometimes this weight thing is a challenge. And I'm working on it, and I hope to one day not have to deal with issues like this. But I will not stand for someone being treated differently just because of what they look like. I work for an anti-discrimination agency right now. I was in the Columbus Council on World Affairs when I was younger. I have stood against racist comments from others, or someone being treated differently because of where they're from, what language they speak, what race they are, what sex they are, etc. How come it's not okay to treat someone horribly because they are a minority, but it's okay to treat someone who is fat so horribly...to deny them basic safety precautions. Why is this issue argued again and again, but nothing is ever done about it?
*sigh* I'm angry and saddened. I *hate* that this overshadows the beautiful day I had before this last flight.
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