Thursday, July 15, 2010
Sit down. Shut up. Listen.
This rebellion against yourself. Yeah, that's stupid and it has to end. You are not 16, you are 29. Grow the hell up. What the hell are you fighting against anyhow? My concern for your safety? My concern that you will have a crappy life if you don't do these things, these things we both know you CAN do? Quit your whining and get with it.
You need to get your arse in gear before it grows to gargantuan size again. You got here before and stalled. Why the hell do you seem to think 380 is a comfortable number for you? You aren't comfortable. Sure, you're proud of what you've done - but that's more reason to keep doing it rather than go into this "maintain" mode, as you call it. You're maintaining unhealthy ways, that's what you're maintaining. Get off your arse and do something already!
If you don't move for at least 30 minutes today I'm going to KILL you tomorrow. If you don't do 30 minutes today I'll make you do 3 hours tomorrow. That's right, three hours of non-fun cardio and brutal strength training. Why? Well, because your fat butt needs it and you keep fighting against doing it. So what if Zumba was cancelled last night? Sure, lovely excuse to do nothing...but you could have taken the dog for a walk. Instead you walked by him doing the walk of shame, trying to ignore his face that said, "Why don't we walk anymore? I miss you, Mommy!"
You can't get by me with this crap anymore. Eating french fries again, are you friggin' kidding me with this crap? Who the hell cares how "good" they taste (and even you can recognize that they weren't even that good!), they are not going to get you anywhere. You complain all the time about how fat you are and how you just want to know what it's like to be skinny, and then you order french fries? Yeah, they looked real great next to your grilled chicken. Might as well have just ordered a steak, a cheeseburger, and some chocolate cake. Oh yeah, speaking of cake. Throw it the hell out. Who cares how much it cost? You're not wasting anything. You had your fun, now it's over. You are worth throwing away 6 bucks. Don't you realize that?
Look, I don't really want to be negative with you, but I have to do something to pull you out of that hole you've been hiding in for over a week now. You're doing everything halfway, and that won't get you anywhere fast. We both know that we want this more than just about anything right now. The career will come if you keep putting out those resumes like you've been doing. The house and new car will come once you get the job situation in place. The move to somewhere exciting can come later too. You're only 29, you've got plenty of time yet. Stop thinking that you die at 30 or something. You're moving in the right direction, and you know plenty of 50 year olds that have given up. You're NOT giving up on me. I'm not giving up on you! It's time to accept what you can control. This includes what you put into your mouth and what you do with your body. Go to the gym. Bite the bullet and buy a month's membership. And USE IT! Think of the stationary bikes and weight machines and treadmills and ellipticals just sitting there, waiting to be used. Think of sweating out those toxins in the sauna and taking a nice warm shower before heading out the door refreshed - and strong!
I love you. You know that. And you've taken too much time to deal with the stress of last week. Job-shmob. It will happen when it's meant to and in the way it's meant to. Deal with that when it comes. For now, let's get back to it. Because I noticed this morning that you're starting to feel squishy again. You're not feeling those strong muscles anymore and you seem to have forgotten how good it feels to wake up one morning and realize your legs/arms/stomach/whatever has gotten smaller, stronger. Let's love this healthy way again. Let's get back to it. It's a love in baby. A love of sweat and tears. A love of hard work and discipline. A love of compliments and looks of pride from those around you. A love of reporting on all the wonderful, amazing things you're doing. A love of who we've become and who we have yet to be if we keep going.
I love you. Let's do this! *hug*
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
First of all, thank you to all of you that commented on my blog yesterday. As I said then, I haven't been of the best mind lately. (BTW on the TMI - I'm on day 7 of this cycle. It's letting up a little, so I'm praying that today is the last day. But I've decided that I can't let it defeat me.) After those comments, I decided that what I really needed was a break. A full on, don't think about it, don't worry about a thing, do whatever you friggin' want break.
I drove home and grabbed Hubs and we headed out for a date night, just the two of us - something we rarely get to do without a time limit. We headed to our favorite Italian place in town and ordered whatever we wanted. This included a Diet Coke (*gasp!*), Marco Polo rolls (little egg roll looking things, but they're filled with cheese, kinda like mozzarella cheese sticks), and Chicken Parmesan (which I could only finish about half of), not to mention about half a French baguette with the best butter ever. I wanted dessert, I really did...but I was too full. So we stopped at Wal-Mart and I picked up a little chocolate fudge cake for us for later.
I *tried* not to feel guilty. I mean, everyone deserves a night off, right? RIGHT? I will admit that guilt crept in a little bit here and there (as it often does when you know you're doing something you probably shouldn't be doing), but I told it to take a hike. And by the time I went to bed I felt sick, but better able to face the next day.
This sounds so weird and...wrong...but in order for me to wrap my mind around 85 more days of "being good," I had to remind myself what it was I was really missing. And I started to realize that while it was GREAT food, I no longer felt the need to overeat it (except the cake - I went a tiny bit crazy there *lol*). I thought about not even blogging about it, as a way to further avoid the guilt that creeps in every time, but I want to remind myself. I want to remember last night. Because eating unhealthy, eating those tried-and-true comfort foods didn't make me feel any better. Not. At. All. They didn't cure my stomach pains. They didn't make me feel fuller or more free. They didn't suddenly make me a happy person. I was just the same person I was yesterday morning, just with an over-full (and slightly sick) stomach.
There's a learning curve to be found in weight loss. And while I can't say that I "got it all out of my system" or that I'm great today and ready to start all gung-ho again, I can say that I'm not sitting here fighting myself on every little thing. I have a lunch walk scheduled with a friend today (has been planned since Monday), and I'm excited to just walk without a "goal" in mind. To remind myself today what it feels like to put one foot in front of the other. I think I might go down to the market and buy a salad...and remind myself what the fresh fruits and veggies make me feel like again. (Because part of me remembers that it's a wonderful feeling - better than I get from any cake!) I already got some cash out for my Zumba class tonight (and, I have to give myself proprs on the fact that, even though I didn't work out at all yesterday, I was thinking about it, and I did bring my gym bag anyways...because it's like second nature, it eliminates one excuse at least!) and I'm actually a little pumped to move these hips again (even if I am still in a bit of pain from the Depo). I want to remember what that feels like too...and what the sweat pouring down my face (and arms, and legs, and back, and torso! *lol*) feels like.
Yesterday, while sitting in my hole (or rather, hiding under my desk - literally) I downloaded some great running/walking/fitness apps on the new phone. I have one that has like 1001 Yoga moves on it. It has practices with timed warm-ups and everything. And I'm excited to use those things in the upcoming days and weeks.
One thing is for sure, though - slow and steady. I tried to fight my way out of my hole by clawing like a mad woman. You know what happens when you try to claw your way out of a dirt hole? You dig the dirt from the surrounding walls and they collapse in on you. It was too hard, too fast, too soon. Instead, I should have thought over the situation and found the tools around me that would have helped me build my way out of it. I could have used my tools to built some footholds and fingerholds and then climbed my way out one foot/hand at a time. And that's my plan for the rest of the week. I might not lose 2.8 pounds by taking it slow, but I'll be rebuilding myself for the next hole. I'm learning valuable lessons here, and I have to always, always, always remember that! The next hole I see, I'll be able to get out of it quicker, and even quicker the one after that ...until the day that I see the hole before I fall into it and have the forsight to walk around or jump over it.
It's kind of fitting that July 14th is "National Nude Day" because I'm stripping myself back down to the basics. I'm not going to guilt myself into 2 hours of working out. I'm not going to nit-pick every ounce of food I eat. I'm going to make the best choices I can, do what I can, and make my way out of here slowly, but surely. I don't want to see this hole any more. I don't like the feeling of this sludge beneath my feet as the rocky mud has mixed with days of rain. I want to stand on solid footing again, but after a long rain the ground doesn't firm up immediately. It takes a few days to feel the strength of the hard dirt beneath you again, and a few days more before you can drive a car over it without leaving deep tire treads.
So thank you for your support, but I'm realizing... I have to support myself in this as well, so that I know the next time that I can...that I don't need the arms of 20 other people to drag me out of my dirt hole...the one I dug for myself and jumped into without thinking of how hard it would be to get out. I'm climbing now...one foothold at a time...and via footholds you've helped me build. So thank you.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
The past few days I've been seeing these signs popping up all over the place. I never really took notice before. For the first couple months it was all about pushing through, about proving myself and everyone wrong. But now that it's been 85 days of mostly excellent work on my part, I've let these signs show me a different way.
I got nearly all the way home last night and realized how really tired my body was, how much I did not want to go through an hour long Zumba class, how I only had a dollar in my purse (the class is 3 bucks), and I let those roadblocks derail me from my goal. I went home and watched TV with Hubs and set up my new iPhone. I felt a little guilty the whole night, and it just got worse from there.
When I got home I realized Hubs hadn't gotten to the dishes yet. And I was tired. And I didn't want to cook. So I grabbed some cereal for dinner. And I felt guilty again, because I had let the roadblocks set for me at home derail me once more. I kept telling myself how exhausted I was and how much I really just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep. And I didn't. And I stayed up until 11:30pm, and then to midnight talking to Hubs before sleep. And I was tired, but I let the diversions around me keep me from my bed, my much-needed sleep.
I keep thinking about the 10K training I had originally set for myself, and how I haven't even tried to get back at it. I know the biggest reason is because I don't think I can do it...but I tell myself it's because I'm tired, or hot, or whatever. I give myself excuses instead of facing the true facts of the matter.
I'm a smart girl. I am. While I've never prided myself on my looks or beauty, I have always felt that I made up for it in logical smarts. I mean, I'm no genius - I always used to say that I was the smartest of the average people, and the most average (or dumbest) of the smart people. So why do I insist upon letting myself resort the habits that created this mess in the first place?
As I sit here now, I want to remove this whole blog and pretend that everything is fine. It's not. I hurt. (TMI alert) The Depo has messed up my cycle so that what should have lasted 3 days normally, has lasted 6. My stomach hurts all the time and I feel tired and worn out. And while I know this may have something to do with this feeling, I also know that I have pushed through it before and I could very well do that again - I have simply chosen not to. I saw the sign "DANGER AHEAD" and instead of just pushing through with caution, I stopped my car on the side of the road. And here I sit, debating whether to turn around or keep moving forward. I know that the road ahead is dangerous, littered with potholes and whatever else might get in my way, but I also know that it is the only way to my destination. There isn't another path or road. Just this one.
Honestly, the fact that I'm debating this at all both saddens me and makes me eternally happy. On the one hand, in the past I would have simply turned around without a second thought and started looking for a detour. I would have let myself get caught up in the DANGER part, and not on what was beyond it. And then again, the girl who got here 85 days ago would have never even stopped. She wouldn't have even seen the sign, or she would have seen it as a challenge. I'm facing these roadblocks, instead, with consideration - and I can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
I have so much weight to lose.
Everyone around me has already come so far - they're almost done.
I'll be left behind - I already have been.
It's so hard.
It's so expensive.
I'm so tired.
They pour out of me and I try to make the pro/con list in my head and remind myself that while all of that may be true, it is also true that.
It is worth it.
I have already come so far myself.
I know what to do, I just need to do it.
I'm more ready for this than I ever have been.
I can sleep when I'm dead, or skinny.
It's not about how you look in your clothes, but how you feel in them.
Working out energizes you, and makes you sleep more soundly.
And, yet...still I sit. On the side of the road. And the weather goes from humidity to downpour, and I just sit there staring at that sign, not sure what to do. I know in my heart that I can never turn back now. There's nothing left for me back there. And I also know that beyond this road are so many wonderful things that I have always wanted and never had. But I sit. And sit. Until I feel like I can move on...
Monday, July 12, 2010
Just wanted to let you all know that I did write an article about the issues I had with the seat belt...and the negative comments about 'fat people' remind me why I hate calling attention to my weight. People can be SO mean!
I'm not taking it to heart, so don't worry. I actually laughed at the guy who said I eat Twinkies - considering I really hate Twinkies...I'd rather have a Ho-Ho, thanks! ;) I guess I've become a little numb to the "fat comments," which is progress in the right direction.
I refuse to respond to the comments because this is a battle that will never be won. There are certain arguments in our society that will never end. My point in writing the article was not to defend fat people, but to call attention to the saftey risk I felt I was in. I don't want it to happen to anyone else, and you can be DANG sure that the next time something like this happens I will stand up in the aisle until the F/A takes notice and comes to make me sit down. She was ignoring my gestures from my seat, so I guess I needed to take more blatent (and annoying) action next time.
I can take full responsibility for the fact that I didn't ask her 10 times for the thing. I'm somewhat new to flying and I'm never sure on the rules. I'm always afraid to push that button, especially during the taxi...I don't want her to have to stop the plane and have everyone on the plane wanting to kick my behind because of the delay. *shrug*
That being said, the FAA called me back and is making sure the agents who handle this Delta Connection look into the matter. I just don't want someone else to go through what I went through - which was an hour and a half in hysterics, partly because I was so tired, but also because I was so darn scared for my safety and the safety of those around me. I always tell my husband that I don't speak up because I "hate to be a burden" but he reminds me time and time again that I have the right, and the duty, to speak up for myself. I feel like I did that.
I just didn't want you all to wonder whatever happened to that. I thought over it for an entire day before writing the article, and I told Hubs what would happen if and when I posted it. I knew there would be negative "fat" comments coming out of the woodwork. Now it seems that Hubs is more concerned over the comments than I am as he feels the need to stick up for his wife. I told him I'm good. That some people will never understand, and that I love him for wanting to protect me from it.
Please remember that no matter what your size, no matter how far you've come, there will always be people like this in the world. And then remember that their ignorance does not reflect upon you. Remember that you have every right to demand what you pay for and what you fight for. You have every right to health and safety, especially when you Sparkers are all working so hard to acheive that each and every day here. Words can be like daggers, but it's proving people wrong and rising above that brings the most vindication.
you all, fatty and skinny alike! You are ALL amazing and wonderful people!
Monday, July 12, 2010
Yesterday was weigh-in day...but I didn't blog. Mostly because I haven't been feeling up to it lately. As you can tell from my last few blogs, I've been emotionally drained lately. Some of it is TOM. Some of it is facing the future and the challenges that go along with that. I'm frustrated a lot lately and wondering why I can't seem to "catch a break" as they say. I should know better. Nothing in life is easy (at least not in my life). I've had to work hard for everything I've wanted, and this is no different at all. So my choices are to sit around and whine about how it's not fair, which is what I've been doing a lot of lately, or to take the bull by the horns and push forward. I'm ready for step two now. Come what may with job and weight loss, I'm willing to fight so that, no matter what happens, I can say that I gave it my all.
Starting Weight: 466.6
SP SW: 416.2
Last Week: 378
Goal This Week: 376
Weight Lost This Week: .2 pounds
Total Weight Lost with SP: 38.4
Total Weight Lost overall: 88.8
Yep. .2 pounds is all I got from this insane week. I'm really not surprised. I have no excuses - I just didn't fight hard enough for those 2 pounds I wanted this week. Maybe I'll pull out all the stops and catch up this week, but even if I don't, I'm going to give it my all.
Goal for next week: 375 (-2.8)
In order to get that little extra I'm trying for, I have to keep my ducks in line. It's only 6 days of pushing myself. I can do 6 days, honestly. Here is what I have planned:
Monday (today): Zumba after work, walk dog, garden (if not pouring...I can walk in the rain but I don't feel like digging in mud all night), clean, Yoga lunch break
Tuesday: 20-25 minute brisk walk in the morning, day 1 of 30 day shred (and try to make it all the way through this time), walk dog, clean, Yoga lunch break
Wednesday: Zumba after work, walk dog, clean, garden (weather permitting), Yoga lunch break
Thursday: 20-25 minute brisk walk, walk with dog, clean, garden (weather permitting), day 2 of 30 day shred (yep, spacing it out...I have to right now), Yoga lunch break
Friday: hike up the back hill for 2 hours (weather permitting), walk dog, garden, AM and PM Yoga
Saturday: Zumba, walk dog, garden, clean, day 3 of 30 day shred, 3 mile endurance walk (this day sounds a little difficult...I hope I don't run out of steam by the end of the week)
I'm also going to try to start doing a little ST throughout the day. I hate sitting at this desk for hours, so each hour I'm going to get up and do two sets of a certain ST exercise. I'll end up working my entire body, but it won't feel overwhelming.
But exercise isn't enough, Esther. Yep...I know that. Food is a big part of it. Right now we're skint, so I will have to work with what we already have.
Breakfast - toast
Lunch - Tator Tot Casserole (leftover from last night)
Dinner - Vegetable Couscous with beans
Snacks - Fiber One bars, Stacy's chips, apple
Breakfast - Omelet with 1 slice of toast
Lunch - Couscous with beans (leftovers)
Dinner - Vegetable Stir Fry (need to figure out the protein here), Brown Rice
Snacks - apple, Fiber One bars, cauliflower with light ranch
Breakfast - 2 Eggs and 2 slices of toast
Lunch - Stir Fry leftovers
Dinner - Hearty Vegetable Soup with Black Beans and Lentils
Snacks - Cauliflower, Stacy's chips, Toast with Freezer Jam
Breakfast - Toast and a Smoothie
Lunch - Soup leftovers
Dinner - Lean Hamburgers, Veggies
Snacks - apple, Fiber One bar, hummus and cauliflower
Friday: (payday = shopping)
Breakfast - Fiber One pancakes with light syrup
Lunch - Grilled Salmon and Vegetables
Dinner - Chicken Pot Pie
Snacks - Fresh fruits and vegetables
Breakfast - Omelet or Fiber One pancakes with fruit
Lunch - Gyros
Dinner - We may go out, since it's our last night w/o the kids
Snacks - Fresh fruits/vegs, Pita chips
If I can stick to this plan at least 90% of the time, I should be golden! We may end up going out on a "date," hubs and I, but I will make sure I order the right way, eat only until full and not stuffed, and take whatever is leftover home for the next day.
Finally, my TIKI challenge for this week. It's all mental...
T - Trust yourself. You have the tools, you just need to put them to use.
I - Investigate healthier options at the store, and plan ahead before setting out!
K - Keep fresh fruits and veggies on hand -- and USE them!
I - In all things, you must try. You must fight! Put up those dukes!
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