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Vocab. Lesson: Fear and Courage - W9.D6

Friday, June 25, 2010

I've spent the day waffling between nervous anxiety and the attempt to shut down the fear in me over this upcoming trip. Something in me always rushes to the conclusion that something, or even everything, is going to go wrong and I'm going to be sorry that I even attempted something so bold. In an effort to attempt to settle myself, I run to definitions (yet again).

emoticonfear –noun
1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
2. a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling.
3. concern or anxiety; solicitude.
4. reverential awe, esp. toward god.
5. that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid.

When faced with anything "out of the norm" we face some level of fear. We are "distressed" because we feel that the situation may bring about some "impending danger" or "pain." I felt fear when I went to Zumba for the first time. I was afraid I would injure myself, or even embarrass myself. Changing our entire lifestyle to one of healthy living? That's pretty scary too! What if we fail? What if it causes us pain (hello, 5.5 hours hiking!) or discomfort? What if we get to where we want to be and we realize we're not "done"...not really? So, yes...there is fear involved.

And I remember that my drama teacher once spoke to us about fear. Her specific example was in regards to stage fright, but it also applies here. Fear is natural. It's our body reaction to something that is going to require more of us than we've been giving so far. It may even signal us to the impending pain. When we stand on the roof of a tall building, fear is what keeps us a safe distance from the ledge. (most of us anyhow) It's our survival instinct. It's our body's natural way of saying, "BE CAREFUL!"

Who was it that said, "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." (I know it was in Princess Diaries, but surely it has a prior source?)

emoticoncour·age –noun
1. the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.
3. have the courage of one's convictions, to act in accordance with one's beliefs, esp. in spite of criticism.

(I deleted 2 because even says it's obsolete.) Courage, then, is a mind over body action. It's a way to talk ourselves into doing something difficult or challenging, even knowing that it could cause us fear. Because maybe it won't. Maybe our fear is unfounded. Or maybe the benefits far outweigh the possibility of what COULD go wrong. "Courage of one's convictions" is a good way to put it.

Storytime! When I was a kid I used to lie. All the time I would lie, to everyone. Someone would talk about this wonderful vacation they had in Myrtle Beach over the summer and I'd chime in with, "Oh, I've been there!" No. I hadn't been there. I didn't go there until I was married, had two kids, and was well in my 20's. I lied because I wanted to belong. I didn't want them to focus on what I didn't have, or what my family or even what I, personally, couldn't do - whether financially, or physically. It got to the point where I didn't even realize I was lying. I became so good at it that I nearly believed myself when I told a big whopper of a lie.

And then I had children and I realized that I couldn't really lie to them. I wanted to be honest and upfront and be the parent who said, "Yes. I smoked the wacky tobaccie" when they asked. (Thankfully for me, I never have - so I can say no and mean it!) I wanted honesty in my life...and I wanted to be honest with myself. So I started telling myself the truth, even if it hurt. I'd let out a lie out of habit, and then I'd ammend it. "No, wait. What am I saying? I've never been to Mexico." And I'm sure I looked like a darn fool, but I did it because I wanted to stick to the truth. I wanted to have the courage of my convictions. I wanted to be able to say something and have people believe me, because it was true. (Of course, there are little white lies to save another's feelings or a "leaving out" of parts of the truth now and again, I think that's healthy.)

So, yes. I am afraid. I am afraid I won't "look the part" because of my weight. I'm afraid I'll have a blah day and blow it. I'm afraid I'll miss my flight or things will run late and I'll have to pay a bunch of money to get home. But I realize now that there is some fear that I can overcome with courage. - I hold my head high and fake confidence until I start to feel it. I tell them even while telling myself that I'm worth their time and effort. And if I overcome that fear with my courage of convictions, then I'll be all the better for it. ...As for the other stuff? I can't control that. It's out of my hands. What comes will come and I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

The same can be said of our new healthy lifestyle changes. There are fears that we can solve by sheer force of will - mind over matter, baby! And then there are things we cannot. (No one can change their body shape. A big butt girl will almost always end up a big butt skinny girl, to some degree.) Hard work and courage can only conquer so much. So the next time you feel afraid to try something new, or put yourself out there, or just stick to your workout schedule because you have a case of the IDUNWANNAs or "I'm sick/tired/hurt from yesterday and it might cause me more pain" may have to realize that it's your fear talking. Your fear of change. And the only way past it is to put your mind to it, put one foot firmly in front of the other, and keep on moving.

I'll leave you with 2 more Courage quotes:

emoticon Every man has his own courage, and is betrayed because he seeks in himself the courage of other persons. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

emoticon Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~Mary Anne Radmacher

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RAVENSONG37 6/26/2010 12:50PM

    The natural thing we try to do with fear is avoid it or prevent it...but I think the only way around is through. Feel your fear...let it tell it's story and then tell yourself the truth: That you are capable of handling whatever might come up; that you deserve the opportunity you are being given at this interview; that the outcome is not nearly as important as the process; and that you are amazing! Chalk it all up to the discomfort of growth! I dunno if it happened to you, but I had AWFUL growing pains in my legs when I was a kid - and I turned into a giant! The harder the pain, the bigger the potential for growth!

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ANELAKANOA 6/25/2010 9:46PM

  Great blog! emoticon

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TEAM-SARAH 6/25/2010 7:58PM

    Great blog, as per usual :) I think you hit a lot of important points about fear and courage. I know that you can TOTALLY pull this interview off, and I think you know it too. You had the courage to book the trip after all. There's always a lot of anxiety about a potential HUGE life change like this... but really your situation is very low risk. The worst that happens is you don't get the job, and life goes on. The chance for something very awesome to come out of this is worth all of those "what ifs..." they are things you can really only control to a certain extent. You'll come out of this situation feeling stronger and proud for trying, not matter what the outcome. You'll know you have the ability to do something many wouldn't have the guts to do...up and go to new york for a job interview that could change your life! and you'll have a really sharp new suit! good things are headed your way :)

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CALLIKIA 6/25/2010 6:00PM

    Very true! While I will never understand why some people jump out of a perfectly good airplane (or, more suited to here in WV - off a perfectly fine bridge), I'm sure there's some reason they do it! *lol*

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KNOWMOREBBK 6/25/2010 5:51PM

    And sometimes, being afraid is TOTALLY EXCITING! I'm always afraid of scary movies. I jump out of my seat all the time and then giggle with excitement.

You may walk into that interview afraid, but I think you will walk out EXHILARATED!! Like...rollercoaster exhilarated!

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FFIC - Day 1

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Earn points for the following:
* Workout/Fitness Minutes: +5
* Calorie Counts: +3
* Strength Train: +12 (2 sets of 6 different)

* Beauty Reminder: +2

* Brain Challenge -
* Read - +3 (96-146)

* Stretch and Breathe - DOH! Forgot. *sigh*

EDIT: 2 bonus points for trying a new exercise, food, or soul-enriching activity, as long as you report on it! (Share the love, baby!)

Today I tried ST workouts with the resistance bands I bought weeks ago! *lol* I was afraid of them, not so much. You get so much out of this because you're working against yourself! Plus, I got a set of three bands at Dick's Sporting Goods for under 20 bucks.

We also tried the Tator Tot Turkey Casserole in the SP recipes. All loved. Not the BEST recipe for my goals, but it was yummy and easy and quick. (Logan, my 10-year-old made it!)

Total: 31 points

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TIFFANIE150 6/25/2010 3:17PM

    I make things all the time to eat that aren't "the best" but I figure this is a lifetime change and I try to incorporate more freggies into my daily life as well as eating things that are yummy to me. You're doing great!

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KNOWMOREBBK 6/24/2010 10:27PM

    Woo Hoo! You're beating me too! Great job!

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RAVENSONG37 6/24/2010 9:09PM

    24 points....whew...gonna have to total up mine and get on my horse! GREAT job lady face!!!

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What I Know - W9.D5

Thursday, June 24, 2010

What I know is that I'm not going to die. Not yet. At least, not from diabetes or high cholesterol.

What I know is that I am borderline everything. I'm pre-diabetic and while my bad cholesterol level is fine, there are too many cholestrol particles in my blood.

What I know is that, had I not joined SparkPeople two months ago, this news could be a lot worse.

What I know is that my doctor gave me kudos, asked if there was ANYTHING she could do to help me, and told me to keep doing what I'm doing and we'll check again in 6 months. (I told her about SP, she told me about an 800-lb patient who is now a 400-lb patient. I *LOVE* my tiny, pocket-sized doctor!)

What I know is that my flight is booked for NYC. I will stand proud and strong and will blow them away...and if they still pass, I will learn something from the experience and feel better about the next interview.

What I know is that I have confirmed my interview time and was told to simply bring myself.

What I know is that I will be bringing a copy of my resume, some examples of my work and my writing, and a nice suit.

What I know is I'm having a he11 of a time trying to find a suit to fit my body. I wear a bigger size in pants than I do in shirts/ I need to mix and match. I want something professional and that looks really good on me.

What I know is that I need to at least get my hair thinned, if not also trimmed. I may get a manicure early that week...we'll see.

What I know is that I got a bajillion compliments, "how are you doing it?"s and other great comments from people at work. They quizzed me and then someone else called me over to quiz me. "You can definately tell you've lost weight!" they said. I told them 30 pounds in 2 months and jaws dropped. *big grin*

What I know is that it was too humid to walk at lunch today. I did a tiny bit of grocery shopping (cheese, mushrooms I needed for breakfast omelets, and a salad for lunch, and some peaches because they looked cream! *lol* No worries, it's a single serving cup of Skinny Cow.)

What I know is that I have Zumba scheduled for tonight at 6:30pm.

What I know is that on the way to work today they played "Oh My God" and I could see the Zumba routine to it in my head...and couldn't help shaking my booty/hips right there in my seat! *lol*

What I know is that I nearly got a friend to agree to come to Zumba with me...but she told me to rain check it since it's her TOM and she's not feeling so hot right now.

What I know is that I love and thank you all for your support, encouragement and enlightenment. You've taught me to be a better me. You've picked me up when I've been down. You've high-fived when I have good news. You are all amazing! SP is such a blessing...and so are every last one of the Sparkers here! Hugs all around!


FYI - Today is a good day. emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KNOWMOREBBK 6/25/2010 8:27AM

    That-a-girl! I'm lovin' this attitude!

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-SHIMMER-ANN- 6/24/2010 10:19PM

    This news is GREAT!!! Because you are out of the woods, and walking further and FURTHER by day!! Great job :)

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RAVENSONG37 6/24/2010 9:12PM

    What I know is that you are awesome! You will rock your interview and your medical stuff is gonna get better and better every day!! You are getting what you are putting into SP...and that's a whole shebang of love and support!

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SWEETLEXIE520 6/24/2010 5:09PM


So many positive statements above - and I am so psyched about your interview. You are gonna rock their socks off!

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RACHELLY0724 6/24/2010 4:28PM

    You are awesome, and have such a positive outlook - and those days that you don't - we're here for you!

I too dance my Zumba routine while seated whenever a song comes on - I can't help it! haha

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ERIN1128 6/24/2010 4:13PM

    You are awesome, keep up the good work! We're all pulling for you. :-)

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SPUNKYDUCKY 6/24/2010 4:03PM

    Great blog! I am happy to hear that you have a supportive physician helping you out. Congrats on getting ready for the interview. I also have to buy suit coordinates, although now that I have lost most of my "top" weight, my legs are slowly starting to catch up. I have hopes someday of being one true size! Good luck!

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MEGANC1988 6/24/2010 2:34PM


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VICD25 6/24/2010 2:20PM

    Any day when you can state uncategorically What you know is a good day.

You are an inspiration! WTG!


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TEAM-SARAH 6/24/2010 2:20PM

    It's great that you are doing something now while you are simply borderline! It's great that you're going to be able to manage these potential problems through your newfound healthy lifestyle! Just a little extra motivation to stick with it on those tough days. I'm so happy for you for going for the job interview. I'm sure you'll find a great suit!

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MERALO 6/24/2010 2:04PM

    Hugs to you too! That's a nice list...good luck with the interview, you'll rock it!

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KARVY09 6/24/2010 1:54PM

    That's good news, actually. Because if you're on the border and you're doing everything right, you should be moving far away from high cholesterol and blood pressure and diabetes.

So keep it up!!!

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Good News/Bad News...Life Goes On

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Okay, so I'm triple-blogging you today...but just in case you missed it.

Today at around 3:30pm I got a call from my doctor's office. The nurse stated, "We got your blood work back, and the doctor wants you to come in to discuss the results." Uh-oh. NOT good. *sigh* As long as it's not the D word, I'm good. High cholesterol? Taking care of it...give me time. I can make some more adjustments if needed, too. Anyhow, I'm making an appointment with her on my work phone (which I have to use on speakerphone because my phone is retarded...) and I get a call on my cell. It was a number I didn't recognize, and I thought - this could be a job offer.

So I try to answer the phone while still talking on the other. *lol* That didn't go over well. I hung up on the doctor's office when the woman on the cell told me it was about a job I had just applied to hours before via email. I run out to the hall, apologize for the confusion, and then ask what she wants.

"We'd like you to come in for an interview. Can you make it to New York on July 8th?" I told her I would figure it out and then call her back. My head was spinning! I hadn't even had time to THINK about wanting this job, I simply knew I qualified, and I applied, and then they called. Wow!

I then called the doctor's office back and made an appointment for tomorrow morning at 9am. And THEN...then I started freaking out. As much as I try to pretend I'm spontaneous, I'm really not. I'm a planner...a Capricorn in every sense of the sign. I plan and plan and plan. I make plans B, C, and D...just in case. But there's no time here. I headed home and changed clothes for Zumba (which I wasn't sure I'd make it to because I went to dinner with a friend...but it went quickly because there was a severe thunderstorm warning and we wanted to get home). Then I sat down and booked a trip. I booked a friggin' trip to New York, back and forth on the same day! WTF, dude?

So I went to Zumba and my head was spinning.
"I can't do this!"
"Who am I fooling? I don't belong in New York."
"What if this is THE job? It's certainly a foot in the door."
"Can we afford it?"
"What am I DOING? OMG! Back and forth in ONE DAY?"
"What if the interviews are running late?"
"What if they want me to stick around for some reason?"
"What if I miss my flight?"
"What am I going to do for the several hours I'll have between when I get there and when I interview?" (I booked early so I wouldn't have to rush in case there was an airline problem...being late to this interview is not an option.)
"Where will I change?"
"What am I going to wear?"
"I need a haircut."
"I'm SO not New York! Or am I?"

*sigh* See, the self-doubt is not just restricted to weight loss! *lol*

So, yes. I have an interview. In my field. In New York. In just two weeks. I'm freaking out and simultaneously trying to NOT freak out. And I can't decide if this is a waste of money or a perfect opportunity. But I'm doing it. Because I have to...who would I be if I turned this down? C-R-A-Z-Y! My life is CRAZY right now!

Wish me good things. Wish me good luck in finding a K-A suit and a way to figure out where to change and what to do until the interview -- wish I had a hotel room so I could walk through Central Park and get all sweaty and then take a shower and change and get to the interview with pride. I'm scared...and nervous....and excited. *sigh* So there it good news/bad news day...and I still walked at lunch and Zumbaed (two days, back to back!!). I'm tired but energized.

Okay, shutting up now. Had to share the good, because I've been so quick to share the bad. Going to see if there are any places we can live while I work in the city...*sigh*

My first time in NYC in August 2008 with my friend, AM.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

-SHIMMER-ANN- 6/24/2010 10:13PM

    EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!!! CONGRATS!!!!!!!!! And good luck, you SO deserve/BELONG in NY if you get the job!!!!!!!

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RAVENSONG37 6/24/2010 9:15PM

    See what happens when you take care of yourself? The universe takes care of you too.

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RACHELLY0724 6/24/2010 4:29PM

    July 8th = a great day! It's my birthday! I'll be sending you good luck/bday juju!

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TEAM-SARAH 6/24/2010 12:42PM

    VERY exciting! I think you gotta take that chance. You might not get it, but man... what if you do? You can't always wonder. Good luck!!

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BECKYB73 6/24/2010 10:53AM

    When I've had to travel out of state for interviews I change in one of the "Family" restrooms at the airport. I know how badly you want out of your current employment situation, so I'll hope for the very best to come out of this one!

Oh and as far as the D word goes, I found out a week or two ago that I was "pre-D". I expect that when I go back for bloodwork that will be a thing of the past. Staying on the path you're on healthwise will take care of that little D in nothin' flat.

Comment edited on: 6/24/2010 10:55:02 AM

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TALLGIRLX3 6/24/2010 10:26AM

    Yup, I'd be freakin' out too! Good luck and quit doubting yourself! You can do this... and you deserve it!

Good luck on the Dr. appointment too. I really hope there isn't any real bad news.


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    Wow what a fantastic day. Well at least about the interview. YOu need to remember that you deserve this and stay positive. I sending you positive vibes about the doc appt. I had my own doc issues last week and I know how anxiety provoking it can be. No matter what it is, you can handle it. Good Luck!

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KNOWMOREBBK 6/24/2010 7:47AM

    Time for YOGA! Burn the incense and find some internal calm... You CAN do this. Even if the bloodwork indicates the big "D" word, you can reverse it. If you are exercising everyday, drinking plenty of water and eating lots of fruits and veggies, you can and will reverse it. Stay away from the pastas, breads and refined sugars. More biggie. Show the doctor that you have lost more weight since the last time she saw you.

As for the job interview, you must believe that you are the best person for this job. You must walk in with your head held high because you are awesome. You have plent of time to get your KA suit and a new do. The day before you leave, splurge and get a mani/pedi. When you get off the plane in NY, find someplace you can hang and clear your head (not far from the interview). Give yourself the mental time to go through any question they might throw at you and have a smart, professional, insightful answer ready and waiting. You CAN do this. No time for self doubt. You are the best person for this job. This isn't crazy; this is what you have been waiting for.

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KIN59VARA 6/24/2010 4:55AM

    Good luck on the job interview! I grew up in Manhattan and my parents still live there. My mom swears that a walk in Central Park can cure anything.

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MELLYBEANS0919 6/24/2010 12:46AM

    Best of luck with the interview!! I hope your blood work was nothing serious and that you cannot fix it.

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FREDDIE_13 6/23/2010 11:28PM

    Going to be great....SO PROUD of you for just applying. Are you good with resumes? Can you help me with mine? LOL

And just book a room... This way you can get there, change and relax, and then change back after your interview, too. And maybe get some relaxing time in. Nothing wrong with it.

and I am sure there is nothing major in your blood work, those doctors just like to scare us. But I will keep my fingers crossed anyway. Lots of love and luck!!!

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AIMEETURD 6/23/2010 11:21PM

    I am sending good vibes your way for both the doctor appointment and the interview! Keep us posted, it all sounds so exciting, going to New York! When you start to stress, just remember to breathe!!!

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HARMONYBLUE 6/23/2010 10:39PM

    What an adventure! Good luck on your interview and your doctor's appointment.

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SUGIRL06 6/23/2010 10:25PM

    That is so awesome!!! What a turn around for a job app, seriously! NY can be a lot of fun to live in. I lived in Brooklyn for a year and it was definitely interesting! I'm kinda jealous.

I hope everything with your blood work was minor (obviously something is not OK). Maybe they just need to take more or something. Hoping for the best!

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Fighting For Independence Competition - 6/24-6/30

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I was trying to think of something catchy to call this competition, but was having a lot of trouble thinking of something. Then I realized that a lot of countries celebrate their independence in July...which works perfectly with the quote that inspires me every day as it hangs next to my work computer.

"And no doubt it is more comfortable to submit to a blind enslavement than to work for liberation: the dead, for that matter, are better adapted to the earth than are the living." -Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex

Now, Simone dear was certainly not thinking I would use her quote for this situation...but it works. I think of this fat on me as bonds that hold me back from what I really want to do (like surfing!). And it is so easy to just accept being fat, to submit to this blind enslavement than to WORK for liberation. And WORK it is! We have to work hard every day to rid ourselves of the fat that binds us to a life of "can't"s and "shouldn't"s. I do not want to give this beautiful world to the dead because I'm still living! There is still time left! I'm fighting for my Independence!!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Earn points for the following:
* Workout/Fitness Minutes - 1 point for every 15 minutes
* Calorie Counts - 3 points each day you stay within YOUR range (see below)
* Strength Train - 1 point for a full set of a ST exercise

* Beauty Reminder - 2 point available daily for posting a "you are beautiful" reminder to yourself (Take a picture and post it and you'll get an additional point!) Try to be creative!
* Brain Challenge - 2 points each day you complete one brain buster. A crossword puzzle, or some sort of mind game works.
* Read - 1 point for every 15 pages you read. This could be magazine articles, but only if they have some substance...or novels.

* Stretch and Breathe - 2 points for remembering to stretch and breathe as soon as you wake up!

EDIT: 2 bonus points for trying a new exercise, food, or soul-enriching activity, as long as you report on it! (Share the love, baby!)

Remember, anyone can join in! The winner will receive...something! *lol* Even if it's a load of Spark Goodies and the pride of knowing you won!! :)

--- If you think of any to add, let me know! --- Remember, only 7 days to do this!

(YOUR calorie range - some of us have discussed that the SP calorie range is set your own and tell us up front - use that as your range.)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    Sounds like a fun challenge. I hope you all have a good time and are very successful. I would have liked to join but have too much to track right now to add another challenge. But I will be following along with you guys. emoticon

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VALLOUGH 6/23/2010 10:15PM

    ooh this sounds fun!

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CALLIKIA 6/23/2010 9:15PM

    Sounds good to me!

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AIMEETURD 6/23/2010 9:03PM

    I want in, I want in. Do we keep track of our points through our blogs by giving a daily account?

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RAVENSONG37 6/23/2010 5:21PM

    huuuurm....ooookay! Twist my arm!! LOL! How about extra bonus points for trying a new exercise, food or soul-enriching activity?

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ERIN1128 6/23/2010 4:33PM

    I will be following with interest - good luck!

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SUGIRL06 6/23/2010 3:18PM

    Sounds like a great challenge and a great way to welcome July!

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TEAM-SARAH 6/23/2010 3:10PM

    The quote sends a really great message!! Your independence is definitely worth fighting for. Good luck with your challenge... I know you'll do great and surprise yourself with what you can achieve!

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ANGELLYBELLY 6/23/2010 2:56PM


Loved this blog.

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