Monday, June 28, 2010
Yesterday was crap.
Yesterday I ate a bunch of crap.
Yesterday I went to bed feeling like crap (most likely because of eating the crap).
Yesterday I was stressed over crap I can't control.
I was jazzed in the morning, but still tired from the week. Funny, I didn't work out this week nearly as much as I did last week, but for some reason I've been really tired. Probably stress...it's a killer! (Ever watch Anastasia?)
I sat around in the morning. I grabbed a bowl of Trix for breakfast because it was what I really wanted....I shouldn't have given in. Ironically, when our friends called us over for a pancake "breakfast" at noon, I was really good. I had 1 1/2 plain pancakes. No butter. No syrup. With fresh blueberries. I ate one small piece of sausage. And I had a small cup of 1% milk. But that was the only time I was "good" yesterday.
I left from their house and went to work. Worked much longer than I expected (about 5 hours working on my day off! WTF, dude?) and when we got back to town, the thought of heating up the stove (and, therein, heating up the trailer) just didn't suit me. I bought pizza because it was quick and cheap and easy...and then I proceeded to eat too much. Like 4 pieces!?!? (WTF is my problem?)
By 5:30pm I realized I hadn't even attempted a workout yet. I saw a storm coming in and Ethan and I attempted to dress quickly and get a short walk in before the rain hit. And we walked outside...and it hit. So I went back inside and told Ethan, "Maybe it will stop soon."
About a half hour later it didn't "stop" but it had slowed down to a very light drizzle. It was still hot and humid outside so I figured walking in the rain wouldn't hurt either of us. We walked, did a couple little "sprints" of jogging, and finally just decided to walk up to my MIL's house, where Hubs and Logan were already. The walk went fine. I felt fine. I had to stop twice to catch my breath up the hill to her house, but nothing major. (BTW - my abs are KILLING me! Could this be from the "jogging" I've done two times in the past week? I don't do much, just a little here and there when I feel I need a little challenge. It's not timed...just one of those "let's see if we can go to the mailbox right there." And I "jog" VERY slowly.)
After about a half hour there, Hubs drove us home. And all was well until I went to get out of the car and my knee went out. Bad. It hurt. I had to force it back in and it's been really sore ever since. Between the stress/frustration over the knee, stress over our money situation right now, stress over New York, stress over not finding the right suit for the right price yet, stress over time running out, stress over work and how much I hate doing so much work for less than most people here get paid....well, the rest of the night was horrible.
I ate some sugary cereal. I ate some chips and salsa. I ate another slice (or two?) of pizza. It was a BAD, BAD night. I stayed up late, even though I was exhausted and could've slept it off around 9pm, I was up until 11pm, because I really wanted to watch The Road with Hubs. When I did finally go to bed, I couldn't sleep. (Stress, again.) I got back up and cleaned the bedroom up, folded clothes, made some nice piles. (And still didn't find the 2 pairs of pants I was looking for! *GROWL*)
I don't tell you this for sympathy, but to be accountable. I ate like crap and feel like crap today. I'm sluggish and tired. I want to go back to bed. My stomach hurt like he11 last night. And I knew it was all my fault. I could've made the right decisions for myself and had a much better evening....I could be having a stellar Monday morning right now. But I chose the wrong path and it has led me here...where all I can think about is crawling back in bed, not eating a thing to make up for yesterday, drinking mass amounts of coffee just to stay awake, and feeling bloated and just plain gross. I caused this. And is it no wonder that I felt like crap for the past few years? Crap goes in = Feel like crap. It's a very simple equation.
So I'm fighting the aftershock of what was a bad Sunday. My knee hurts. My stomach hurts. But I'm still keeping track of what I eat. I'm still counting calories and planning on doing a VERY modified Zumba class tonight. I brought an umbrella so I can walk at lunch...very slowly. I will be slow today, yes...but I will move. I cannot stand still because standing still accomplishes nothing. My "brisk walk" scheduled for training today? Not going to happen...but I'll make up for it with a few short, easy walks.
Time to get my head and heart back in the game. Time to really remember what this is all about and who is going to benefit from it (not just me, but my boys and my husband, and any future job offer!). It's time to remember that "I will act now." It's time to remember that I am a warrior, that I want certain things in life than can only be achieved through forward motion.
Stomach in, shoulders back, chin up, eyes forward, and MOVE.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Starting Weight: 466.6
SP SW: 416.2
Last Week: 386.0
Goal This Week: 385
Weight Lost This Week: 3 pounds
Total Weight Lost with SP: 33.2
Total Weight Lost overall: 83.6
It's officially June 27th and I'm 26 for 27 on my workouts. Last weekend was crazy so I spent Sunday doing simply an easy walk. (Which I'm really proud I did at all because I was *so* tired!) Monday I went swimming in the bacteria-filled lake. This new situation at the park nearby is going to kill my swimming/water aerobics on the weekends. Will have to find somewhere else to go. Then on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I did Zumba. I'm so proud that I did 3 days in a row (and it's probably why I was so tired yesterday). I walked during most of my lunches this week, even the day it was too hot I went to the grocery store and walked around the whole time looking for new food. Yesterday didn't go so great (see my blog from yesterday) so instead of official workouts, I pushed myself to just stand as much as possible...to help out at the bonfire wherever I could. I cleaned a little bit as well. So I don't have official workout time, but I kept active.
I've eaten pretty well all week. I haven't logged everything, but I've been a good girl. *pats herself on her head* There were plenty of awful tempting things at the bonfire/BBQ last night, but instead I ate some chicken, some vegetarian baked beans, two bites of potato salad, and some of my reduced-fat cheesy potatoes. I did have a beer and a half, but something in the beer was making my tummy hurt, so I kept to tea most of the night, which my friend made with splenda and decaf tea.
What I learned this week.
I feel amazing this week for several reasons. I mean, there is the whole New York thing, but really because I feel like I've set a spark in my friend. She thinks about what she's eating now. She's even talking about going to Zumba with me on Wednesday, her and her husband. This is not the type of person who I ever thought would want to workout, but she's thinking about it.
Plus - Yesterday I went shopping at Fashion Bug. I fit into a size 28 blazer...actually I fit into a size 26 blazer, but I wasn't quite comfortable with the fit...a little TOO tight. I bought one size 28 blazer from the clearance section for 18 bucks, but I don't think it's quite right for NYC. I'm going to order a blazer online for the interview. I did buy a shirt. It's black and white patterned and sleeveless, but still conservative. I think it will be cool until I put the blazer on before I walk in the building. Still in size 30 pants, which drives me crazy. While most of you are working on getting into regular sizes so you can shop at any store, I'm working on getting to the sizes I can buy at the big-girl stores. But the top half is getting smaller. The size 22/24 tank I got a couple weeks ago? I wore it last night...it's too big. I have to get a smaller one (and then my friend wants this one! *lol* She called dibs last night.) Hoping the bottom half catches up soon...my tight shorts are getting a little loose...so maybe soon. I did buy smaller bras yesterday...the others were hurting because they were so loose.
That being said - a dude checked me out last night at the bonfire. I noticed. *lol* Hubs noticed as well! *lmao*
From the bonfire last night.
Weight loss goal for next week: 381
I was going to start 30-Day Shred in July, but I don't think my body is ready for that. Going to get another DVD instead...maybe one of the Biggest Loser ones. I could logically be at 366 before the end of August...which is that first century mark from my highest weight. Might get a tatt of a C when I get there....I could end up with 3 Cs after I hit my final weight goal...remind me of what I've done.
So in July I will work on training like crazy for the Charleston Distance Run in September. I'd love to be able to walk the 10K on September 4th. I missed out on a lot of my training this week, so I need to get right back on the horse this week. No excuses.
Friday, June 25, 2010
I've spent the day waffling between nervous anxiety and the attempt to shut down the fear in me over this upcoming trip. Something in me always rushes to the conclusion that something, or even everything, is going to go wrong and I'm going to be sorry that I even attempted something so bold. In an effort to attempt to settle myself, I run to definitions (yet again).
1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
2. a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling.
3. concern or anxiety; solicitude.
4. reverential awe, esp. toward god.
5. that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid.
When faced with anything "out of the norm" we face some level of fear. We are "distressed" because we feel that the situation may bring about some "impending danger" or "pain." I felt fear when I went to Zumba for the first time. I was afraid I would injure myself, or even embarrass myself. Changing our entire lifestyle to one of healthy living? That's pretty scary too! What if we fail? What if it causes us pain (hello, 5.5 hours hiking!) or discomfort? What if we get to where we want to be and we realize we're not "done"...not really? So, yes...there is fear involved.
And I remember that my drama teacher once spoke to us about fear. Her specific example was in regards to stage fright, but it also applies here. Fear is natural. It's our body reaction to something that is going to require more of us than we've been giving so far. It may even signal us to the impending pain. When we stand on the roof of a tall building, fear is what keeps us a safe distance from the ledge. (most of us anyhow) It's our survival instinct. It's our body's natural way of saying, "BE CAREFUL!"
Who was it that said, "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." (I know it was in Princess Diaries, but surely it has a prior source?)
1. the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.
3. have the courage of one's convictions, to act in accordance with one's beliefs, esp. in spite of criticism.
(I deleted 2 because even dictionary.com says it's obsolete.) Courage, then, is a mind over body action. It's a way to talk ourselves into doing something difficult or challenging, even knowing that it could cause us fear. Because maybe it won't. Maybe our fear is unfounded. Or maybe the benefits far outweigh the possibility of what COULD go wrong. "Courage of one's convictions" is a good way to put it.
Storytime! When I was a kid I used to lie. All the time I would lie, to everyone. Someone would talk about this wonderful vacation they had in Myrtle Beach over the summer and I'd chime in with, "Oh, I've been there!" No. I hadn't been there. I didn't go there until I was married, had two kids, and was well in my 20's. I lied because I wanted to belong. I didn't want them to focus on what I didn't have, or what my family or even what I, personally, couldn't do - whether financially, or physically. It got to the point where I didn't even realize I was lying. I became so good at it that I nearly believed myself when I told a big whopper of a lie.
And then I had children and I realized that I couldn't really lie to them. I wanted to be honest and upfront and be the parent who said, "Yes. I smoked the wacky tobaccie" when they asked. (Thankfully for me, I never have - so I can say no and mean it!) I wanted honesty in my life...and I wanted to be honest with myself. So I started telling myself the truth, even if it hurt. I'd let out a lie out of habit, and then I'd ammend it. "No, wait. What am I saying? I've never been to Mexico." And I'm sure I looked like a darn fool, but I did it because I wanted to stick to the truth. I wanted to have the courage of my convictions. I wanted to be able to say something and have people believe me, because it was true. (Of course, there are little white lies to save another's feelings or a "leaving out" of parts of the truth now and again, I think that's healthy.)
So, yes. I am afraid. I am afraid I won't "look the part" because of my weight. I'm afraid I'll have a blah day and blow it. I'm afraid I'll miss my flight or things will run late and I'll have to pay a bunch of money to get home. But I realize now that there is some fear that I can overcome with courage. - I hold my head high and fake confidence until I start to feel it. I tell them even while telling myself that I'm worth their time and effort. And if I overcome that fear with my courage of convictions, then I'll be all the better for it. ...As for the other stuff? I can't control that. It's out of my hands. What comes will come and I will cross that bridge when I get to it.
The same can be said of our new healthy lifestyle changes. There are fears that we can solve by sheer force of will - mind over matter, baby! And then there are things we cannot. (No one can change their body shape. A big butt girl will almost always end up a big butt skinny girl, to some degree.) Hard work and courage can only conquer so much. So the next time you feel afraid to try something new, or put yourself out there, or just stick to your workout schedule because you have a case of the IDUNWANNAs or "I'm sick/tired/hurt from yesterday and it might cause me more pain"...you may have to realize that it's your fear talking. Your fear of change. And the only way past it is to put your mind to it, put one foot firmly in front of the other, and keep on moving.
I'll leave you with 2 more Courage quotes:
Every man has his own courage, and is betrayed because he seeks in himself the courage of other persons. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~Mary Anne Radmacher
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Earn points for the following:
* Workout/Fitness Minutes: +5
* Calorie Counts: +3
* Strength Train: +12 (2 sets of 6 different)
* Beauty Reminder: +2
* Brain Challenge -
* Read - +3 (96-146)
* Stretch and Breathe - DOH! Forgot. *sigh*
EDIT: 2 bonus points for trying a new exercise, food, or soul-enriching activity, as long as you report on it! (Share the love, baby!)
Today I tried ST workouts with the resistance bands I bought weeks ago! *lol* I was afraid of them before...now, not so much. You get so much out of this because you're working against yourself! Plus, I got a set of three bands at Dick's Sporting Goods for under 20 bucks.
We also tried the Tator Tot Turkey Casserole in the SP recipes. All loved. Not the BEST recipe for my goals, but it was yummy and easy and quick. (Logan, my 10-year-old made it!)
Total: 31 points
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