Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Yes, yes. June isn't over yet! But in just 7 days (not counting today) it will be! Can you believe this month has flown by so quickly? The end of the month is when I tend to either go into "who cares" mode or "last chance" mode. In June, I'm shooting for Last Chance Mode. So I was talking to my good buddy RAVENSONG37 about an end of the month friendly competition.
I'm trying to think of something that I can compete with her with...let's face it, we're not exactly in the same "point" and many of the things she can do, I just can't yet....YET! *lol* So I'm thinking of some sort of point system. We set some goals and for each we accomplish at the end of the day, we earn points. At the end of the 7 days we see who has the most points. Not sure what the "prize" will be...we need something! *lol*
Something like this:
- Workout for 30 minutes. (1 point)
- Eat within calorie range. (2 points)
Total points for the day:
Points total for the challenge:
Anyone else in? Let me know what you think. Who needs an end of the month competition to finish June with a BANG? (Just think - fireworks are coming up for those of us in the States! :) What a great way to celebrate the end of June and the beginning of another new month full of possibilities!?) I have to have this planned out by the end of the day so that we can start first thing tomorrow. Truth is, I slept in today and didn't get my work out in...and did the same yesterday and didn't get my training in! EEP! So I need something, obviously, to push me!
Leave me a comment or shoot me a Spark mail if you're interested in joining. Leave ideas for goals we can set or ideas for prizes. (It could be as simple as everyone competiting has to send a card to the person who wins congratulating them. Or a small gift (under 5 bucks please! *lol*). Of course, that would require each of you to give me your snail-mail addys, so if you're not into that, let me know and we can work something else out.)
Who wants on this boat?
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Yes, yesterday I considered giving up...but giving up what, really? Hope?
Weigh-In Day (Sunday)
Starting Weight: 466.6
SP SW: 416.2
Last Week: 388.6
Goal This Week: 386.6
Weight Lost This Week: 2.6
Total Weight Lost with SP: 30.2
Total Weight Lost overall: 80.6
Let me explain. Yes, I lost 2.6 pounds this week...IF you take the weight from when I weighed in on Sunday following the drive back from camp. I normally wait until morning so I can weigh first thing, so I intended on seeing a little more gone on Monday morning (after all, don't most of us weigh more mid-day?). I woke up Monday morning excited, only to step on the scale and see 389, then 387.6 (which stuck...sometimes my scale is silly). If I take this number, I only lost 1 stupid pound this week. After all the pain and hard work...1 pound?
So, yes...I expected more from this weekend. And so I spent much of yesterday crying over how I'd never be thin, or even healthy or even just overweight. I cried about how much easier it seems to be for everyone else. I cried for the life I want but don't have. I cried because I was in pain, but I was still expected (by myself, no less) to workout. I cried because I didn't understand (or really, I did, but couldn't go back and change it) why I only lost one pound when I had worked myself so hard, done things most people my weight would never attempt, etc. I cried for a long time and I thought about giving up. But I didn't know what I could give up. Because eating tons of sugar again is not really something my body wants. Every now and again, sure, but not all the time like it used to. And eating fatty foods make me ill. And not getting enough fruits and veggies makes me grumpy. And not working out makes me feel like a loser. So the only thing I considered giving up was trying, hoping, dreaming that things could be different.
But I know what went wrong....I think. Hubs and I sat down and seriously discussed it. And between his theory of dense muscle building in my legs and his assurances that my legs looked thinner, and my theory that I just did not eat enough and my body went into survival mode. I know what I could've done differently. But I also know that it's not important.
You see, I've done it again - I've diminished my accomplishments in order to allow my mind to float into agreement with those around me. I admitted to Hubs that the part I remembered most about the entire trip was the look on two young, fit guys' faces while they waited for me to climb down some stairs. It was the look of impatience and annoyance. Frustration that this "fat broad" was holding up their adventure. And instead of seeing this as a mark of their disrespect and lack of consideration, I saw it as a lack of my difficiencies...again. I let them influence my thoughts of myself and I let their voices take over my own. I called myself fat and told myself that I was in the way. I told myself that I should just stay home where I wouldn't annoy these people. I noticed on the hike that no matter how worn out I was, whenever someone walked by I picked up the pace and acted like I was fine. Why? Well, because I didn't want them to think that I was weak or unable to do this.
There is a high level of frustration in me right now because I realized that no matter how much I do, people who don't know me will take one look at me and think, "Look at her! She can't even hardly walk because she's fat!" They won't for one second think, "Wow! She must have been walking for a long time!" or "She must've had a rough weekend." Any stumble or limp that I might show will not illicit the same responses they would if I were skinny. In fact, they're likely to no illicit any responses, in fear of offending me. They will assume it is because of my weight and pass by thinking that of me. If I were skinny and suddenly walking with a limp, they would show some interest or concern and ask what happened, perhaps. But not the fat girl. Sometimes I let this frustration with misinterpretation of me and my situation weigh me down...until I remember to tell myself one simple thing. You're just not that special.
That may sound awful, but it's true. I'm not that special to complete strangers that they will spend so much time thinking about me. Many have troubles and struggles of their own and might not even notice me. There is nothing exceedingly important or special about me to make them take notice and wonder anything about me or my life. And just because I may be a "make up a story for a stranger" type of person, I need to realize that others are not like that. In truth, I don't take up that large of a portion of their thoughts unless I know them or they know me. And those that really know me, will know better and will show concern or interest and ask what happened.
As for what happened? I'm pretty sure it has to do with not eating enough and not eating the right foods. I ate what was there. I ate until I was full without considering calorie counts. And, especially Saturday - the day of the big hike, I ate what I needed to allow others to have what they needed. I fed the dog nearly half my sandwich because he needed to eat as well...and it was my job to care for him. That was what was important in that moment. I was not exceedingly hungry, but I could have used better fuel. And I could sit here and wish I would have done this or that, or I can focus on what I did do.
A 389 pound woman hiked through Old Man's Cave and the Hocking Hills area for 5 and a half hours. She didn't give up, even when she could, even though she seriously considered it and even voiced that opinion many times. She may have cried in desperation, but she completed the task and did not force her family members to take care of her. She carried the bookbag containing the snacks/lunch, and carried the map, and led the way many times (even though she probably shouldn't have), and sometimes carried the gallon water jug. She took care of her family and made sure they were safe. She took pictures of them so that they could share with their children and grandchildren the story of the 5.5 hour hike through Hocking Hills.
I gave myself a night to enjoy something I haven't done in so long. We got Chinese takeout and movies and had a family night in front of the TV. And I didn't let myself think about what I wasn't doing. I didn't log anything or make myself sick with "what would they think" thoughts. Instead, I let myself be me...because no matter what size I am, I will always need to be me from time to time. Having a Chinese Movie Night or even a Pizza Movie Night every once in a while is not a bad thing...it is something we all enjoy. We giggle and enjoy ourselves. We spend time together as a family. I won't give that up for anything. I just can't do it every day...or even once a week. Maybe once a month or once every other month will make me feel like I'm still me.
So I'm not giving in or giving up. I gave myself the night off, yes, but now I'm back on the horse and ready to ride this out for a while again. I know this is hard, I've been through this before. And I know how frustrating each week can seem, until the day you turn around and realize how much you've really done. No, 30 pounds isn't much considering how much I still have to lose, and losing another 20 pounds will only put me back where I should already be in the downward path, but I'm working harder than I ever have and I'm going to have a fit and lean body...which should make this road a lot easier to walk down this time. I lost a pound (in fact, if you go by today I gained one *lol* Silly sodium..it's no joke people!!). Good. Now what? Another pound to get rid of. (Oh, and I've been thinking about rewarding myself with a tattoo after I get back down to 366.6 - the first century mark. Still considering but it's sounding better and better every day!)
Weigh-in goal for next week: 385
I just want it to be lower than any number I saw this week! *lol*
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Training - 15 minute Easy Walk (DONE...SLOWLY! *lol*)
Other - (Nope, needed rest)
ST - (Just couldn't...but maybe I'll do some crunches before bed...maybe)
Training - 20 minute X-Train (Swimming/Water Aerobics - 40 minutes)
Other - Swimming?
ST - Full body dumbbell workout (Nope.)
Training - 15 minute Brisk Walk
Other - Walk at lunch (DONE! .98mi @ 21 m/mi pace), Zumba?
ST - OFF
Training - OFF
Other - Walk at lunch, yoga break, Zumba?
ST - Squat & Lunge Workout
Training - 15 minute Brisk Walk
Other - Walk at lunch, Zumba?
ST - Full body dumbbell workout
Training - OFF
Other - Hiking? Swimming? Water Aerobics?
ST - OFF
Training - 2.5 mile Endurance Walk
Other - Zumba?
ST - Upper body workout
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Well, we left Friday a little later than I planned after organizing and reorganizing the packed van in order to fit the dog. Thankfully, when we arrived at the campgrounds we were told that there were 2 electric sites left. We ended up near the latrines, but they actually didn't smell all that bad. Thankfully!! It took us a while to get the tents up, but once we did Hubs surprised me by asking if we wanted to head off to Ash Cave.
We ended up at Cedar Falls because hubs got a little confused as to where he wanted to go, but we spent a good hour and a half (maybe more) climbing a million stairs from the parking lot to the falls, which were amazing! An enormous volume of water comes down the falls there. The only problem I had was my knee slipping out when my foot slipped on a rock trying to cross to the other side of the stream coming off the falls. Thankfully it went right back in and I pushed through the discomfort. Surprisingly, I did much, much better following to pop-out incident, so it's getting much stronger!
By the way, that's our dog, Joey. He's a Siberian Husky/Norwegian Elkhound mix.
The next day, Hubs surprised me again, suggesting we attempt to walk from the campsite through Old Man's Cave, Cedar Falls and onto to Ash Cave. I wish I knew how far we eventually walked. We got to Old Man's Cave just fine, and then down to the lower falls. Amazing, both places! And the boys were able to actually go behind the Lower Falls.
Me at Old Man's Cave - already sweating! *lol*
There are my boys over there behind the Lower Falls on the left. The boys loved this trip!
After our little lunch break here, well, we got a little turned around. We ended up heading up toward Cedar Falls only to get all the way to the top of a bunch of stairs and find that the rock bridge was out. Taking the crazy route like other people was a little out of the question with my knee, two small kids and a dog. So we headed back down. And then we misread the map...okay, I misread the map actually. We planned to just go back to camp and drive to Ash Cave. We went the wrong way on the path and ended up at Cedar Falls after like FOREVER! The path was insane. There were huge rocks we had to scale and Hubs was worried I wouldn't make it over some of them. We were also worried about Joey, but those worries were wholly unfounded and downright silly because, well like the Husky in him, Joe was the lead dog of our pack. He showed us which ways to go and we followed. He pulled us up hills and stairs and just kept going no matter how hot he was or tired. Huskies are amazing creatures! Seriously - the determination was just beautiful!
After a particular difficult path...and still not done!!
At Whispering Falls. Beautiful! (Exhausted...all of us!)
We thought we were nearly done...we were wrong. We ended up at Cedar Falls and then headed up to the parking lot where I considered letting Hubs walk back to camp and bring us the car. Hubs was all ready to go and I got up from the picnic table and said, "No...we can make it." And we walked another probably 2 miles, up huge hills and back down and up again until we finally found the camp.
We walked a total of 5.5 hours straight...with breaks, of course....no clue how many miles but easily 6-8 or more. We hobbled back to camp and Hubs pretty much collapsed on the picnic table, where he fell asleep for like an hour and a half. I crawled into the tent, changed my clothes and fell asleep while trying to read. An hour later I got up and started the fire so we could eat some hot dogs and smores and such.
I cried. A LOT! At one point near the end I was sure we were lost again and had gone the wrong way. When we finally found the lake (at camp) I nearly cried again. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen! My legs are still sore....but hubs seems to think they look smaller. Hubs finally asked me as we were drifting off to sleep last night, "What was the most memorable part for you?" And I had to say it was climbing over these huge rocks, up one that Hubs said looked like a friggin' cliff. When I got to the top he said, "Oh my god! You are amazing! I didn't think you could do that." He said I surprised him several times yesterday. He asked if I remembered the part where I was going to have him go get the car and then I refused to quit and I kept going. It's good to know that even though I was crying and whining and carrying on like a baby, he was still proud of me.
One girl on the trail looked at me as I was leaning over (I kept doing this to stretch out my leg muscles, especially the muscles in the back of my knees...I don't think I would have really survived otherwise!) and said to her boyfriend, "Is she okay?" *lol* One Indian fellow saw me near the top of the climb to the Cedar Falls parking lot and got freaked out thinking the way to Cedar Falls and crap was that much work. I laughed and said, "Oh, no...don't let my appearance fool you. We've been hiking for about 5 hours now...it's really not that far to Cedar Falls." He laughed and thanked me. A couple people found it annoying that it took me so long to go up and down the stairs (hello! Babying a hurt knee that just popped out yesterday!), but I really didn't care. I knew that what I was doing was something amazing.
So, yes. I ate badly. A couple smores. A few bites of a banana boat. Four hot dogs in two days. Doritos. Some McDonald's, an Arby's roast beef and a small curly fry later...I still don't feel that bad. God only knows how many calories I burned! And gallons of water I drank! I did pack a healthy lunch for everyone for the hike and some trail mix (thankfully I packed hearty healthy food for that trip or, again, we may not have made it!). We set out at 11:00 am or so on Saturday and didn't get back to camp until around 5:00 pm.
(I'll weigh in tomorrow morning but I sneaked a peek right after we got back and it said I was down to 386.0.)
Friday, June 18, 2010
I'm so going to miss this this weekend! But I'm keeping in mind that sweating is a good thing...I'm flushing my body, and as long as I stay fueled and hydrated, I'll be losing weight too.
I have been trying to use these in my meals, but I think I finally decided that I don't much care for them. Sucks because they're so good for me, but why eat something I don't like when there are so many other healthy things that I do? Do you like avocados? How do you eat them?
There are going to be several 'weekend challenges' filtered throughout here, so keep an eye out. BTW - Anyone can challenge themselves with these, not just the AB team.
This morning they took my blood to check my sugar and cholesterol levels. A couple years ago they did this and I came back fine with the exception of high triglycerides. I'm hoping for a clean report this time. BTW - I *hate* giving blood. The girl looked at me and said, "Uhm, are you okay?" I hadn't even looked in that direction the entire time and I probably had a major scowl on my face...I do better with it when I don't look. When I was a tiny kid my mom took me to a lab for blood work - I screamed and cried bloody murder. When Logan was 3 they did blood work to check for a bacterial infection - he screamed and cried bloody murder and they forced me to hold him down. Never again. I *hate* giving blood. And they always take multiple vials too! Greedy bastards!
Here's your challenge for this weekend. You have one part of your body that you just aren't proud of or pleased with...everyone does. For me? Right now it's my stomach...too big and not shrinking fast enough. When Native Americans killed an animal they used every part of the animal...there was no 'bad' part. So your challenge is to find that 'bad' part and see what's good about it. Thank it for what good it is to you. I'm going to work on thanking my stomach for not getting in my way and helping me bust stereotypes people put on me when they see my stomach. I'm also thanking it for processing my food and letting me know when a certain food is not good for me. I also thank that section for housing my two beautiful children.
Yesterday I got really sick at work. I was sitting there talking to hubs on the phone and I could feel my blood pressure shooting up. Like, my face was on fire! I thought I was dehydrated or hungry so I drank a couple glasses of water and ate my lunch. Later it dropped so that my face was really pale and my skin was cold. I was freaking out! I called the doc and she didn't seem to think it was even really my blood pressure because I had no chest pains, no shortness of breath, and no racing heart. She seems to think my hormones were adjusting to the depo shot...maybe. Either way, I came home and went to bed for 4.5 hours and felt much better. I think it was exhaustion.
Another challenge for you...share the anti-blah with someone. Whether it's complimenting someone you don't know very well and giving them an anti-blah moment they can carry with them, or taking an anti-blah walk or workout with a close friend - spread the anti-blah lifestyle. Helps you and the other person.
Like I said, I'm going camping. We're heading to Hocking Hills/Old Man's Cave, which I've never been to...which hubs says is just plain wrong because I'm actually from Ohio. There's a huge fishing lake for the boys. A swimming pool, if we decide to pay the small fee for it. And TONS of hiking trails with waterfalls and rock caves. I'm jazzed. Hubby thinks I'm crazy. I bought stuff for smores and banana boats, and I might indulge a tiny bit, but I got a ton of good stuff for us too including nuts, cracker jacks, and bagel thins for breakfast. I'll let you know how it goes, and will take plenty of pics...hopefully my laptop plug is here when I return so I can share them.
Another challenge! Pick one song and dance like a fool through the whole thing. Everyone has their own song preferences, but I've currently got "Just Dance" from the great Lady that is Gaga in my head.
A lot of you may be living in places like me where the sun will be shining and humidity will be high. Please try to drink at least 8-16 ounces of water each day this weekend to keep yourself well hydrated!
I fear all my eggplant plants are dying or dead. *sigh* I'm sad. Also lost one bell pepper plant, but the others are doing pretty well...especially after I finally got it fully weeded yesterday. We named the plants too. Mr. Big, Harold, and Oscar are my tomato plants. Logan named a bell pepper plant Spicy, and the one next to it is Brown...sadly, we lost Mustard. *lol* We're crazy.
Have fun this weekend!! See you Sunday!
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