Thursday, June 24, 2010
What I know is that I'm not going to die. Not yet. At least, not from diabetes or high cholesterol.
What I know is that I am borderline everything. I'm pre-diabetic and while my bad cholesterol level is fine, there are too many cholestrol particles in my blood.
What I know is that, had I not joined SparkPeople two months ago, this news could be a lot worse.
What I know is that my doctor gave me kudos, asked if there was ANYTHING she could do to help me, and told me to keep doing what I'm doing and we'll check again in 6 months. (I told her about SP, she told me about an 800-lb patient who is now a 400-lb patient. I *LOVE* my tiny, pocket-sized doctor!)
What I know is that my flight is booked for NYC. I will stand proud and strong and will blow them away...and if they still pass, I will learn something from the experience and feel better about the next interview.
What I know is that I have confirmed my interview time and was told to simply bring myself.
What I know is that I will be bringing a copy of my resume, some examples of my work and my writing, and a nice suit.
What I know is I'm having a he11 of a time trying to find a suit to fit my body. I wear a bigger size in pants than I do in shirts/jackets...so I need to mix and match. I want something professional and that looks really good on me.
What I know is that I need to at least get my hair thinned, if not also trimmed. I may get a manicure early that week...we'll see.
What I know is that I got a bajillion compliments, "how are you doing it?"s and other great comments from people at work. They quizzed me and then someone else called me over to quiz me. "You can definately tell you've lost weight!" they said. I told them 30 pounds in 2 months and jaws dropped. *big grin*
What I know is that it was too humid to walk at lunch today. I did a tiny bit of grocery shopping (cheese, mushrooms I needed for breakfast omelets, and a salad for lunch, and some peaches because they looked great...and...ice cream! *lol* No worries, it's a single serving cup of Skinny Cow.)
What I know is that I have Zumba scheduled for tonight at 6:30pm.
What I know is that on the way to work today they played "Oh My God" and I could see the Zumba routine to it in my head...and couldn't help shaking my booty/hips right there in my seat! *lol*
What I know is that I nearly got a friend to agree to come to Zumba with me...but she told me to rain check it since it's her TOM and she's not feeling so hot right now.
What I know is that I love and thank you all for your support, encouragement and enlightenment. You've taught me to be a better me. You've picked me up when I've been down. You've high-fived when I have good news. You are all amazing! SP is such a blessing...and so are every last one of the Sparkers here! Hugs all around!
FYI - Today is a good day.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Okay, so I'm triple-blogging you today...but just in case you missed it.
Today at around 3:30pm I got a call from my doctor's office. The nurse stated, "We got your blood work back, and the doctor wants you to come in to discuss the results." Uh-oh. NOT good. *sigh* As long as it's not the D word, I'm good. High cholesterol? Taking care of it...give me time. I can make some more adjustments if needed, too. Anyhow, I'm making an appointment with her on my work phone (which I have to use on speakerphone because my phone is retarded...) and I get a call on my cell. It was a number I didn't recognize, and I thought - this could be a job offer.
So I try to answer the phone while still talking on the other. *lol* That didn't go over well. I hung up on the doctor's office when the woman on the cell told me it was about a job I had just applied to hours before via email. I run out to the hall, apologize for the confusion, and then ask what she wants.
"We'd like you to come in for an interview. Can you make it to New York on July 8th?" I told her I would figure it out and then call her back. My head was spinning! I hadn't even had time to THINK about wanting this job, I simply knew I qualified, and I applied, and then they called. Wow!
I then called the doctor's office back and made an appointment for tomorrow morning at 9am. And THEN...then I started freaking out. As much as I try to pretend I'm spontaneous, I'm really not. I'm a planner...a Capricorn in every sense of the sign. I plan and plan and plan. I make plans B, C, and D...just in case. But there's no time here. I headed home and changed clothes for Zumba (which I wasn't sure I'd make it to because I went to dinner with a friend...but it went quickly because there was a severe thunderstorm warning and we wanted to get home). Then I sat down and booked a trip. I booked a friggin' trip to New York, back and forth on the same day! WTF, dude?
So I went to Zumba and my head was spinning.
"I can't do this!"
"Who am I fooling? I don't belong in New York."
"What if this is THE job? It's certainly a foot in the door."
"Can we afford it?"
"What am I DOING? OMG! Back and forth in ONE DAY?"
"What if the interviews are running late?"
"What if they want me to stick around for some reason?"
"What if I miss my flight?"
"What am I going to do for the several hours I'll have between when I get there and when I interview?" (I booked early so I wouldn't have to rush in case there was an airline problem...being late to this interview is not an option.)
"Where will I change?"
"What am I going to wear?"
"I need a haircut."
"I'm SO not New York! Or am I?"
*sigh* See, the self-doubt is not just restricted to weight loss! *lol*
So, yes. I have an interview. In my field. In New York. In just two weeks. I'm freaking out and simultaneously trying to NOT freak out. And I can't decide if this is a waste of money or a perfect opportunity. But I'm doing it. Because I have to...who would I be if I turned this down? C-R-A-Z-Y! My life is CRAZY right now!
Wish me good things. Wish me good luck in finding a K-A suit and a way to figure out where to change and what to do until the interview -- wish I had a hotel room so I could walk through Central Park and get all sweaty and then take a shower and change and get to the interview with pride. I'm scared...and nervous....and excited. *sigh* So there it is...my good news/bad news day...and I still walked at lunch and Zumbaed (two days, back to back!!). I'm tired but energized.
Okay, shutting up now. Had to share the good, because I've been so quick to share the bad. Going to see if there are any places we can live while I work in the city...*sigh*
My first time in NYC in August 2008 with my friend, AM.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
I was trying to think of something catchy to call this competition, but was having a lot of trouble thinking of something. Then I realized that a lot of countries celebrate their independence in July...which works perfectly with the quote that inspires me every day as it hangs next to my work computer.
"And no doubt it is more comfortable to submit to a blind enslavement than to work for liberation: the dead, for that matter, are better adapted to the earth than are the living." -Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex
Now, Simone dear was certainly not thinking I would use her quote for this situation...but it works. I think of this fat on me as bonds that hold me back from what I really want to do (like surfing!). And it is so easy to just accept being fat, to submit to this blind enslavement than to WORK for liberation. And WORK it is! We have to work hard every day to rid ourselves of the fat that binds us to a life of "can't"s and "shouldn't"s. I do not want to give this beautiful world to the dead because I'm still living! There is still time left! I'm fighting for my Independence!!
Earn points for the following:
* Workout/Fitness Minutes - 1 point for every 15 minutes
* Calorie Counts - 3 points each day you stay within YOUR range (see below)
* Strength Train - 1 point for a full set of a ST exercise
* Beauty Reminder - 2 point available daily for posting a "you are beautiful" reminder to yourself (Take a picture and post it and you'll get an additional point!) Try to be creative!
* Brain Challenge - 2 points each day you complete one brain buster. A crossword puzzle, or some sort of mind game works.
* Read - 1 point for every 15 pages you read. This could be magazine articles, but only if they have some substance...or novels.
* Stretch and Breathe - 2 points for remembering to stretch and breathe as soon as you wake up!
EDIT: 2 bonus points for trying a new exercise, food, or soul-enriching activity, as long as you report on it! (Share the love, baby!)
Remember, anyone can join in! The winner will receive...something! *lol* Even if it's a load of Spark Goodies and the pride of knowing you won!! :)
--- If you think of any to add, let me know! --- Remember, only 7 days to do this!
(YOUR calorie range - some of us have discussed that the SP calorie range is unreasonable...so set your own and tell us up front - use that as your range.)
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Yes, yes. June isn't over yet! But in just 7 days (not counting today) it will be! Can you believe this month has flown by so quickly? The end of the month is when I tend to either go into "who cares" mode or "last chance" mode. In June, I'm shooting for Last Chance Mode. So I was talking to my good buddy RAVENSONG37 about an end of the month friendly competition.
I'm trying to think of something that I can compete with her with...let's face it, we're not exactly in the same "point" and many of the things she can do, I just can't yet....YET! *lol* So I'm thinking of some sort of point system. We set some goals and for each we accomplish at the end of the day, we earn points. At the end of the 7 days we see who has the most points. Not sure what the "prize" will be...we need something! *lol*
Something like this:
- Workout for 30 minutes. (1 point)
- Eat within calorie range. (2 points)
Total points for the day:
Points total for the challenge:
Anyone else in? Let me know what you think. Who needs an end of the month competition to finish June with a BANG? (Just think - fireworks are coming up for those of us in the States! :) What a great way to celebrate the end of June and the beginning of another new month full of possibilities!?) I have to have this planned out by the end of the day so that we can start first thing tomorrow. Truth is, I slept in today and didn't get my work out in...and did the same yesterday and didn't get my training in! EEP! So I need something, obviously, to push me!
Leave me a comment or shoot me a Spark mail if you're interested in joining. Leave ideas for goals we can set or ideas for prizes. (It could be as simple as everyone competiting has to send a card to the person who wins congratulating them. Or a small gift (under 5 bucks please! *lol*). Of course, that would require each of you to give me your snail-mail addys, so if you're not into that, let me know and we can work something else out.)
Who wants on this boat?
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Yes, yesterday I considered giving up...but giving up what, really? Hope?
Weigh-In Day (Sunday)
Starting Weight: 466.6
SP SW: 416.2
Last Week: 388.6
Goal This Week: 386.6
Weight Lost This Week: 2.6
Total Weight Lost with SP: 30.2
Total Weight Lost overall: 80.6
Let me explain. Yes, I lost 2.6 pounds this week...IF you take the weight from when I weighed in on Sunday following the drive back from camp. I normally wait until morning so I can weigh first thing, so I intended on seeing a little more gone on Monday morning (after all, don't most of us weigh more mid-day?). I woke up Monday morning excited, only to step on the scale and see 389, then 387.6 (which stuck...sometimes my scale is silly). If I take this number, I only lost 1 stupid pound this week. After all the pain and hard work...1 pound?
So, yes...I expected more from this weekend. And so I spent much of yesterday crying over how I'd never be thin, or even healthy or even just overweight. I cried about how much easier it seems to be for everyone else. I cried for the life I want but don't have. I cried because I was in pain, but I was still expected (by myself, no less) to workout. I cried because I didn't understand (or really, I did, but couldn't go back and change it) why I only lost one pound when I had worked myself so hard, done things most people my weight would never attempt, etc. I cried for a long time and I thought about giving up. But I didn't know what I could give up. Because eating tons of sugar again is not really something my body wants. Every now and again, sure, but not all the time like it used to. And eating fatty foods make me ill. And not getting enough fruits and veggies makes me grumpy. And not working out makes me feel like a loser. So the only thing I considered giving up was trying, hoping, dreaming that things could be different.
But I know what went wrong....I think. Hubs and I sat down and seriously discussed it. And between his theory of dense muscle building in my legs and his assurances that my legs looked thinner, and my theory that I just did not eat enough and my body went into survival mode. I know what I could've done differently. But I also know that it's not important.
You see, I've done it again - I've diminished my accomplishments in order to allow my mind to float into agreement with those around me. I admitted to Hubs that the part I remembered most about the entire trip was the look on two young, fit guys' faces while they waited for me to climb down some stairs. It was the look of impatience and annoyance. Frustration that this "fat broad" was holding up their adventure. And instead of seeing this as a mark of their disrespect and lack of consideration, I saw it as a lack of my difficiencies...again. I let them influence my thoughts of myself and I let their voices take over my own. I called myself fat and told myself that I was in the way. I told myself that I should just stay home where I wouldn't annoy these people. I noticed on the hike that no matter how worn out I was, whenever someone walked by I picked up the pace and acted like I was fine. Why? Well, because I didn't want them to think that I was weak or unable to do this.
There is a high level of frustration in me right now because I realized that no matter how much I do, people who don't know me will take one look at me and think, "Look at her! She can't even hardly walk because she's fat!" They won't for one second think, "Wow! She must have been walking for a long time!" or "She must've had a rough weekend." Any stumble or limp that I might show will not illicit the same responses they would if I were skinny. In fact, they're likely to no illicit any responses, in fear of offending me. They will assume it is because of my weight and pass by thinking that of me. If I were skinny and suddenly walking with a limp, they would show some interest or concern and ask what happened, perhaps. But not the fat girl. Sometimes I let this frustration with misinterpretation of me and my situation weigh me down...until I remember to tell myself one simple thing. You're just not that special.
That may sound awful, but it's true. I'm not that special to complete strangers that they will spend so much time thinking about me. Many have troubles and struggles of their own and might not even notice me. There is nothing exceedingly important or special about me to make them take notice and wonder anything about me or my life. And just because I may be a "make up a story for a stranger" type of person, I need to realize that others are not like that. In truth, I don't take up that large of a portion of their thoughts unless I know them or they know me. And those that really know me, will know better and will show concern or interest and ask what happened.
As for what happened? I'm pretty sure it has to do with not eating enough and not eating the right foods. I ate what was there. I ate until I was full without considering calorie counts. And, especially Saturday - the day of the big hike, I ate what I needed to allow others to have what they needed. I fed the dog nearly half my sandwich because he needed to eat as well...and it was my job to care for him. That was what was important in that moment. I was not exceedingly hungry, but I could have used better fuel. And I could sit here and wish I would have done this or that, or I can focus on what I did do.
A 389 pound woman hiked through Old Man's Cave and the Hocking Hills area for 5 and a half hours. She didn't give up, even when she could, even though she seriously considered it and even voiced that opinion many times. She may have cried in desperation, but she completed the task and did not force her family members to take care of her. She carried the bookbag containing the snacks/lunch, and carried the map, and led the way many times (even though she probably shouldn't have), and sometimes carried the gallon water jug. She took care of her family and made sure they were safe. She took pictures of them so that they could share with their children and grandchildren the story of the 5.5 hour hike through Hocking Hills.
I gave myself a night to enjoy something I haven't done in so long. We got Chinese takeout and movies and had a family night in front of the TV. And I didn't let myself think about what I wasn't doing. I didn't log anything or make myself sick with "what would they think" thoughts. Instead, I let myself be me...because no matter what size I am, I will always need to be me from time to time. Having a Chinese Movie Night or even a Pizza Movie Night every once in a while is not a bad thing...it is something we all enjoy. We giggle and enjoy ourselves. We spend time together as a family. I won't give that up for anything. I just can't do it every day...or even once a week. Maybe once a month or once every other month will make me feel like I'm still me.
So I'm not giving in or giving up. I gave myself the night off, yes, but now I'm back on the horse and ready to ride this out for a while again. I know this is hard, I've been through this before. And I know how frustrating each week can seem, until the day you turn around and realize how much you've really done. No, 30 pounds isn't much considering how much I still have to lose, and losing another 20 pounds will only put me back where I should already be in the downward path, but I'm working harder than I ever have and I'm going to have a fit and lean body...which should make this road a lot easier to walk down this time. I lost a pound (in fact, if you go by today I gained one *lol* Silly sodium..it's no joke people!!). Good. Now what? Another pound to get rid of. (Oh, and I've been thinking about rewarding myself with a tattoo after I get back down to 366.6 - the first century mark. Still considering but it's sounding better and better every day!)
Weigh-in goal for next week: 385
I just want it to be lower than any number I saw this week! *lol*
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