CALLIKIA   23,737
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What I Know - W9.D5

Thursday, June 24, 2010

What I know is that I'm not going to die. Not yet. At least, not from diabetes or high cholesterol.

What I know is that I am borderline everything. I'm pre-diabetic and while my bad cholesterol level is fine, there are too many cholestrol particles in my blood.

What I know is that, had I not joined SparkPeople two months ago, this news could be a lot worse.

What I know is that my doctor gave me kudos, asked if there was ANYTHING she could do to help me, and told me to keep doing what I'm doing and we'll check again in 6 months. (I told her about SP, she told me about an 800-lb patient who is now a 400-lb patient. I *LOVE* my tiny, pocket-sized doctor!)

What I know is that my flight is booked for NYC. I will stand proud and strong and will blow them away...and if they still pass, I will learn something from the experience and feel better about the next interview.

What I know is that I have confirmed my interview time and was told to simply bring myself.

What I know is that I will be bringing a copy of my resume, some examples of my work and my writing, and a nice suit.

What I know is I'm having a he11 of a time trying to find a suit to fit my body. I wear a bigger size in pants than I do in shirts/jackets...so I need to mix and match. I want something professional and that looks really good on me.

What I know is that I need to at least get my hair thinned, if not also trimmed. I may get a manicure early that week...we'll see.

What I know is that I got a bajillion compliments, "how are you doing it?"s and other great comments from people at work. They quizzed me and then someone else called me over to quiz me. "You can definately tell you've lost weight!" they said. I told them 30 pounds in 2 months and jaws dropped. *big grin*

What I know is that it was too humid to walk at lunch today. I did a tiny bit of grocery shopping (cheese, mushrooms I needed for breakfast omelets, and a salad for lunch, and some peaches because they looked great...and...ice cream! *lol* No worries, it's a single serving cup of Skinny Cow.)

What I know is that I have Zumba scheduled for tonight at 6:30pm.

What I know is that on the way to work today they played "Oh My God" and I could see the Zumba routine to it in my head...and couldn't help shaking my booty/hips right there in my seat! *lol*

What I know is that I nearly got a friend to agree to come to Zumba with me...but she told me to rain check it since it's her TOM and she's not feeling so hot right now.

What I know is that I love and thank you all for your support, encouragement and enlightenment. You've taught me to be a better me. You've picked me up when I've been down. You've high-fived when I have good news. You are all amazing! SP is such a blessing...and so are every last one of the Sparkers here! Hugs all around!

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FYI - Today is a good day. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KNOWMOREBBK 6/25/2010 8:27AM

    That-a-girl! I'm lovin' this attitude!

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-SHIMMER-ANN- 6/24/2010 10:19PM

    This news is GREAT!!! Because you are out of the woods, and walking further and FURTHER by day!! Great job :)

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RAVENSONG37 6/24/2010 9:12PM

    What I know is that you are awesome! You will rock your interview and your medical stuff is gonna get better and better every day!! You are getting what you are putting into SP...and that's a whole shebang of love and support!

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SWEETLEXIE520 6/24/2010 5:09PM

    YAY!!

So many positive statements above - and I am so psyched about your interview. You are gonna rock their socks off!
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RACHELLY0724 6/24/2010 4:28PM

    You are awesome, and have such a positive outlook - and those days that you don't - we're here for you!

I too dance my Zumba routine while seated whenever a song comes on - I can't help it! haha

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ERIN1128 6/24/2010 4:13PM

    You are awesome, keep up the good work! We're all pulling for you. :-)

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SPUNKYDUCKY 6/24/2010 4:03PM

    Great blog! I am happy to hear that you have a supportive physician helping you out. Congrats on getting ready for the interview. I also have to buy suit coordinates, although now that I have lost most of my "top" weight, my legs are slowly starting to catch up. I have hopes someday of being one true size! Good luck!

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MEGANC1988 6/24/2010 2:34PM

    emoticon

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VICD25 6/24/2010 2:20PM

    Any day when you can state uncategorically What you know is a good day.

You are an inspiration! WTG!

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TEAM-SARAH 6/24/2010 2:20PM

    It's great that you are doing something now while you are simply borderline! It's great that you're going to be able to manage these potential problems through your newfound healthy lifestyle! Just a little extra motivation to stick with it on those tough days. I'm so happy for you for going for the job interview. I'm sure you'll find a great suit!

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MERALO 6/24/2010 2:04PM

    Hugs to you too! That's a nice list...good luck with the interview, you'll rock it!

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KARVY09 6/24/2010 1:54PM

    That's good news, actually. Because if you're on the border and you're doing everything right, you should be moving far away from high cholesterol and blood pressure and diabetes.

So keep it up!!!

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Good News/Bad News...Life Goes On

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Okay, so I'm triple-blogging you today...but just in case you missed it.

Today at around 3:30pm I got a call from my doctor's office. The nurse stated, "We got your blood work back, and the doctor wants you to come in to discuss the results." Uh-oh. NOT good. *sigh* As long as it's not the D word, I'm good. High cholesterol? Taking care of it...give me time. I can make some more adjustments if needed, too. Anyhow, I'm making an appointment with her on my work phone (which I have to use on speakerphone because my phone is retarded...) and I get a call on my cell. It was a number I didn't recognize, and I thought - this could be a job offer.

So I try to answer the phone while still talking on the other. *lol* That didn't go over well. I hung up on the doctor's office when the woman on the cell told me it was about a job I had just applied to hours before via email. I run out to the hall, apologize for the confusion, and then ask what she wants.

"We'd like you to come in for an interview. Can you make it to New York on July 8th?" I told her I would figure it out and then call her back. My head was spinning! I hadn't even had time to THINK about wanting this job, I simply knew I qualified, and I applied, and then they called. Wow!

I then called the doctor's office back and made an appointment for tomorrow morning at 9am. And THEN...then I started freaking out. As much as I try to pretend I'm spontaneous, I'm really not. I'm a planner...a Capricorn in every sense of the sign. I plan and plan and plan. I make plans B, C, and D...just in case. But there's no time here. I headed home and changed clothes for Zumba (which I wasn't sure I'd make it to because I went to dinner with a friend...but it went quickly because there was a severe thunderstorm warning and we wanted to get home). Then I sat down and booked a trip. I booked a friggin' trip to New York, back and forth on the same day! WTF, dude?

So I went to Zumba and my head was spinning.
"I can't do this!"
"Who am I fooling? I don't belong in New York."
"What if this is THE job? It's certainly a foot in the door."
"Can we afford it?"
"What am I DOING? OMG! Back and forth in ONE DAY?"
"What if the interviews are running late?"
"What if they want me to stick around for some reason?"
"What if I miss my flight?"
"What am I going to do for the several hours I'll have between when I get there and when I interview?" (I booked early so I wouldn't have to rush in case there was an airline problem...being late to this interview is not an option.)
"Where will I change?"
"What am I going to wear?"
"I need a haircut."
"I'm SO not New York! Or am I?"

*sigh* See, the self-doubt is not just restricted to weight loss! *lol*

So, yes. I have an interview. In my field. In New York. In just two weeks. I'm freaking out and simultaneously trying to NOT freak out. And I can't decide if this is a waste of money or a perfect opportunity. But I'm doing it. Because I have to...who would I be if I turned this down? C-R-A-Z-Y! My life is CRAZY right now!

Wish me good things. Wish me good luck in finding a K-A suit and a way to figure out where to change and what to do until the interview -- wish I had a hotel room so I could walk through Central Park and get all sweaty and then take a shower and change and get to the interview with pride. I'm scared...and nervous....and excited. *sigh* So there it is...my good news/bad news day...and I still walked at lunch and Zumbaed (two days, back to back!!). I'm tired but energized.

Okay, shutting up now. Had to share the good, because I've been so quick to share the bad. Going to see if there are any places we can live while I work in the city...*sigh*


My first time in NYC in August 2008 with my friend, AM.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

-SHIMMER-ANN- 6/24/2010 10:13PM

    EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!!! CONGRATS!!!!!!!!! And good luck, you SO deserve/BELONG in NY if you get the job!!!!!!!

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RAVENSONG37 6/24/2010 9:15PM

    See what happens when you take care of yourself? The universe takes care of you too.

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RACHELLY0724 6/24/2010 4:29PM

    July 8th = a great day! It's my birthday! I'll be sending you good luck/bday juju!

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TEAM-SARAH 6/24/2010 12:42PM

    VERY exciting! I think you gotta take that chance. You might not get it, but man... what if you do? You can't always wonder. Good luck!!

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BECKYB73 6/24/2010 10:53AM

    When I've had to travel out of state for interviews I change in one of the "Family" restrooms at the airport. I know how badly you want out of your current employment situation, so I'll hope for the very best to come out of this one!

Oh and as far as the D word goes, I found out a week or two ago that I was "pre-D". I expect that when I go back for bloodwork that will be a thing of the past. Staying on the path you're on healthwise will take care of that little D in nothin' flat.

Comment edited on: 6/24/2010 10:55:02 AM

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TALLGIRLX3 6/24/2010 10:26AM

    Yup, I'd be freakin' out too! Good luck and quit doubting yourself! You can do this... and you deserve it!

Good luck on the Dr. appointment too. I really hope there isn't any real bad news.

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THEWEIGHTSOVER 6/24/2010 8:14AM

    Wow what a fantastic day. Well at least about the interview. YOu need to remember that you deserve this and stay positive. I sending you positive vibes about the doc appt. I had my own doc issues last week and I know how anxiety provoking it can be. No matter what it is, you can handle it. Good Luck!
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KNOWMOREBBK 6/24/2010 7:47AM

    Time for YOGA! Burn the incense and find some internal calm... You CAN do this. Even if the bloodwork indicates the big "D" word, you can reverse it. If you are exercising everyday, drinking plenty of water and eating lots of fruits and veggies, you can and will reverse it. Stay away from the pastas, breads and refined sugars. More protein...no biggie. Show the doctor that you have lost more weight since the last time she saw you.

As for the job interview, you must believe that you are the best person for this job. You must walk in with your head held high because you are awesome. You have plent of time to get your KA suit and a new do. The day before you leave, splurge and get a mani/pedi. When you get off the plane in NY, find someplace you can hang and clear your head (not far from the interview). Give yourself the mental time to go through any question they might throw at you and have a smart, professional, insightful answer ready and waiting. You CAN do this. No time for self doubt. You are the best person for this job. This isn't crazy; this is what you have been waiting for.


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KIN59VARA 6/24/2010 4:55AM

    Good luck on the job interview! I grew up in Manhattan and my parents still live there. My mom swears that a walk in Central Park can cure anything.

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MELLYBEANS0919 6/24/2010 12:46AM

    Best of luck with the interview!! I hope your blood work was nothing serious and that you cannot fix it.



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FREDDIE_13 6/23/2010 11:28PM

    Going to be great....SO PROUD of you for just applying. Are you good with resumes? Can you help me with mine? LOL

And just book a room... This way you can get there, change and relax, and then change back after your interview, too. And maybe get some relaxing time in. Nothing wrong with it.

and I am sure there is nothing major in your blood work, those doctors just like to scare us. But I will keep my fingers crossed anyway. Lots of love and luck!!!

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AIMEETURD 6/23/2010 11:21PM

    I am sending good vibes your way for both the doctor appointment and the interview! Keep us posted, it all sounds so exciting, going to New York! When you start to stress, just remember to breathe!!!

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HARMONYBLUE 6/23/2010 10:39PM

    What an adventure! Good luck on your interview and your doctor's appointment.

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SUGIRL06 6/23/2010 10:25PM

    That is so awesome!!! What a turn around for a job app, seriously! NY can be a lot of fun to live in. I lived in Brooklyn for a year and it was definitely interesting! I'm kinda jealous.

I hope everything with your blood work was minor (obviously something is not OK). Maybe they just need to take more or something. Hoping for the best!
~Ang

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Fighting For Independence Competition - 6/24-6/30

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I was trying to think of something catchy to call this competition, but was having a lot of trouble thinking of something. Then I realized that a lot of countries celebrate their independence in July...which works perfectly with the quote that inspires me every day as it hangs next to my work computer.

"And no doubt it is more comfortable to submit to a blind enslavement than to work for liberation: the dead, for that matter, are better adapted to the earth than are the living." -Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex

Now, Simone dear was certainly not thinking I would use her quote for this situation...but it works. I think of this fat on me as bonds that hold me back from what I really want to do (like surfing!). And it is so easy to just accept being fat, to submit to this blind enslavement than to WORK for liberation. And WORK it is! We have to work hard every day to rid ourselves of the fat that binds us to a life of "can't"s and "shouldn't"s. I do not want to give this beautiful world to the dead because I'm still living! There is still time left! I'm fighting for my Independence!!

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Earn points for the following:
(Body)
* Workout/Fitness Minutes - 1 point for every 15 minutes
* Calorie Counts - 3 points each day you stay within YOUR range (see below)
* Strength Train - 1 point for a full set of a ST exercise

(Mind)
* Beauty Reminder - 2 point available daily for posting a "you are beautiful" reminder to yourself (Take a picture and post it and you'll get an additional point!) Try to be creative!
* Brain Challenge - 2 points each day you complete one brain buster. A crossword puzzle, or some sort of mind game works.
* Read - 1 point for every 15 pages you read. This could be magazine articles, but only if they have some substance...or novels.

(Soul)
* Stretch and Breathe - 2 points for remembering to stretch and breathe as soon as you wake up!

EDIT: 2 bonus points for trying a new exercise, food, or soul-enriching activity, as long as you report on it! (Share the love, baby!)

Remember, anyone can join in! The winner will receive...something! *lol* Even if it's a load of Spark Goodies and the pride of knowing you won!! :)

--- If you think of any to add, let me know! --- Remember, only 7 days to do this!

(YOUR calorie range - some of us have discussed that the SP calorie range is unreasonable...so set your own and tell us up front - use that as your range.)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THEWEIGHTSOVER 6/24/2010 8:08AM

    Sounds like a fun challenge. I hope you all have a good time and are very successful. I would have liked to join but have too much to track right now to add another challenge. But I will be following along with you guys. emoticon

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VALLOUGH 6/23/2010 10:15PM

    ooh this sounds fun!

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CALLIKIA 6/23/2010 9:15PM

    Sounds good to me!

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AIMEETURD 6/23/2010 9:03PM

    I want in, I want in. Do we keep track of our points through our blogs by giving a daily account?

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RAVENSONG37 6/23/2010 5:21PM

    huuuurm....ooookay! Twist my arm!! LOL! How about extra bonus points for trying a new exercise, food or soul-enriching activity?

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ERIN1128 6/23/2010 4:33PM

    I will be following with interest - good luck!

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SUGIRL06 6/23/2010 3:18PM

    Sounds like a great challenge and a great way to welcome July!
~Ang

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TEAM-SARAH 6/23/2010 3:10PM

    The quote sends a really great message!! Your independence is definitely worth fighting for. Good luck with your challenge... I know you'll do great and surprise yourself with what you can achieve!

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ANGELLYBELLY 6/23/2010 2:56PM

    emoticon

Loved this blog.

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Waving Goodbye to June? - W9.D4

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Yes, yes. June isn't over yet! But in just 7 days (not counting today) it will be! Can you believe this month has flown by so quickly? The end of the month is when I tend to either go into "who cares" mode or "last chance" mode. In June, I'm shooting for Last Chance Mode. So I was talking to my good buddy RAVENSONG37 about an end of the month friendly competition.

I'm trying to think of something that I can compete with her with...let's face it, we're not exactly in the same "point" and many of the things she can do, I just can't yet....YET! *lol* So I'm thinking of some sort of point system. We set some goals and for each we accomplish at the end of the day, we earn points. At the end of the 7 days we see who has the most points. Not sure what the "prize" will be...we need something! *lol*

Something like this:
- Workout for 30 minutes. (1 point)
- Eat within calorie range. (2 points)

Total points for the day:
Points total for the challenge:

Thoughts?

Anyone else in? Let me know what you think. Who needs an end of the month competition to finish June with a BANG? (Just think - fireworks are coming up for those of us in the States! :) What a great way to celebrate the end of June and the beginning of another new month full of possibilities!?) I have to have this planned out by the end of the day so that we can start first thing tomorrow. Truth is, I slept in today and didn't get my work out in...and did the same yesterday and didn't get my training in! EEP! So I need something, obviously, to push me!

Leave me a comment or shoot me a Spark mail if you're interested in joining. Leave ideas for goals we can set or ideas for prizes. (It could be as simple as everyone competiting has to send a card to the person who wins congratulating them. Or a small gift (under 5 bucks please! *lol*). Of course, that would require each of you to give me your snail-mail addys, so if you're not into that, let me know and we can work something else out.)

emoticon Who wants on this boat?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RAVENSONG37 6/23/2010 5:48PM

    I'm in! I'm in!!

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TEAM-SARAH 6/23/2010 11:36AM

    Hehe we had the same idea for blogs today... 1 week left! You're doing great, I think it's awesome to have a lil friendly competition to motivate you. Have a great rest of your month!

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RUNNINGNP2B 6/23/2010 10:31AM

    You're getting me all motivated! Thanks love, I'm ready for some fireworks that's for sure!!!

You? Have done so awesome, I constantly stop by your blog for some much needed butt kicking. Thanks for being you and helping us to be the best we can be :)

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AIMEETURD 6/23/2010 10:29AM

    Oooooo, that sounds fantastic! I might like to join that and I think just winning & having the bragging rights would be enough for me! I'm very competitive!!!

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PRETTYMANDI 6/23/2010 10:27AM

    Go you! I just joined a challenge at church, and I am hoping that will help me out. I was sick for apparently the entire month of June because I lost it! It was a flop! All I did was lay in bed and vomit and go to the hospital! Boo June! I guess I will try to finish strong and repost my goals under "July!" lol

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KARVY09 6/23/2010 9:36AM

    Sounds like a great challenge! Good luck!

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Giving Up - W9.D3

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Yes, yesterday I considered giving up...but giving up what, really? Hope?

Weigh-In Day (Sunday)

Starting Weight: 466.6
SP SW: 416.2
Last Week: 388.6
Goal This Week: 386.6
Actual: 386.0
Weight Lost This Week: 2.6
Total Weight Lost with SP: 30.2
Total Weight Lost overall: 80.6

Let me explain. Yes, I lost 2.6 pounds this week...IF you take the weight from when I weighed in on Sunday following the drive back from camp. I normally wait until morning so I can weigh first thing, so I intended on seeing a little more gone on Monday morning (after all, don't most of us weigh more mid-day?). I woke up Monday morning excited, only to step on the scale and see 389, then 387.6 (which stuck...sometimes my scale is silly). If I take this number, I only lost 1 stupid pound this week. After all the pain and hard work...1 pound?

So, yes...I expected more from this weekend. And so I spent much of yesterday crying over how I'd never be thin, or even healthy or even just overweight. I cried about how much easier it seems to be for everyone else. I cried for the life I want but don't have. I cried because I was in pain, but I was still expected (by myself, no less) to workout. I cried because I didn't understand (or really, I did, but couldn't go back and change it) why I only lost one pound when I had worked myself so hard, done things most people my weight would never attempt, etc. I cried for a long time and I thought about giving up. But I didn't know what I could give up. Because eating tons of sugar again is not really something my body wants. Every now and again, sure, but not all the time like it used to. And eating fatty foods make me ill. And not getting enough fruits and veggies makes me grumpy. And not working out makes me feel like a loser. So the only thing I considered giving up was trying, hoping, dreaming that things could be different.

But I know what went wrong....I think. Hubs and I sat down and seriously discussed it. And between his theory of dense muscle building in my legs and his assurances that my legs looked thinner, and my theory that I just did not eat enough and my body went into survival mode. I know what I could've done differently. But I also know that it's not important.

You see, I've done it again - I've diminished my accomplishments in order to allow my mind to float into agreement with those around me. I admitted to Hubs that the part I remembered most about the entire trip was the look on two young, fit guys' faces while they waited for me to climb down some stairs. It was the look of impatience and annoyance. Frustration that this "fat broad" was holding up their adventure. And instead of seeing this as a mark of their disrespect and lack of consideration, I saw it as a lack of my difficiencies...again. I let them influence my thoughts of myself and I let their voices take over my own. I called myself fat and told myself that I was in the way. I told myself that I should just stay home where I wouldn't annoy these people. I noticed on the hike that no matter how worn out I was, whenever someone walked by I picked up the pace and acted like I was fine. Why? Well, because I didn't want them to think that I was weak or unable to do this.

There is a high level of frustration in me right now because I realized that no matter how much I do, people who don't know me will take one look at me and think, "Look at her! She can't even hardly walk because she's fat!" They won't for one second think, "Wow! She must have been walking for a long time!" or "She must've had a rough weekend." Any stumble or limp that I might show will not illicit the same responses they would if I were skinny. In fact, they're likely to no illicit any responses, in fear of offending me. They will assume it is because of my weight and pass by thinking that of me. If I were skinny and suddenly walking with a limp, they would show some interest or concern and ask what happened, perhaps. But not the fat girl. Sometimes I let this frustration with misinterpretation of me and my situation weigh me down...until I remember to tell myself one simple thing. You're just not that special.

That may sound awful, but it's true. I'm not that special to complete strangers that they will spend so much time thinking about me. Many have troubles and struggles of their own and might not even notice me. There is nothing exceedingly important or special about me to make them take notice and wonder anything about me or my life. And just because I may be a "make up a story for a stranger" type of person, I need to realize that others are not like that. In truth, I don't take up that large of a portion of their thoughts unless I know them or they know me. And those that really know me, will know better and will show concern or interest and ask what happened.

As for what happened? I'm pretty sure it has to do with not eating enough and not eating the right foods. I ate what was there. I ate until I was full without considering calorie counts. And, especially Saturday - the day of the big hike, I ate what I needed to allow others to have what they needed. I fed the dog nearly half my sandwich because he needed to eat as well...and it was my job to care for him. That was what was important in that moment. I was not exceedingly hungry, but I could have used better fuel. And I could sit here and wish I would have done this or that, or I can focus on what I did do.

A 389 pound woman hiked through Old Man's Cave and the Hocking Hills area for 5 and a half hours. She didn't give up, even when she could, even though she seriously considered it and even voiced that opinion many times. She may have cried in desperation, but she completed the task and did not force her family members to take care of her. She carried the bookbag containing the snacks/lunch, and carried the map, and led the way many times (even though she probably shouldn't have), and sometimes carried the gallon water jug. She took care of her family and made sure they were safe. She took pictures of them so that they could share with their children and grandchildren the story of the 5.5 hour hike through Hocking Hills.

I gave myself a night to enjoy something I haven't done in so long. We got Chinese takeout and movies and had a family night in front of the TV. And I didn't let myself think about what I wasn't doing. I didn't log anything or make myself sick with "what would they think" thoughts. Instead, I let myself be me...because no matter what size I am, I will always need to be me from time to time. Having a Chinese Movie Night or even a Pizza Movie Night every once in a while is not a bad thing...it is something we all enjoy. We giggle and enjoy ourselves. We spend time together as a family. I won't give that up for anything. I just can't do it every day...or even once a week. Maybe once a month or once every other month will make me feel like I'm still me.

So I'm not giving in or giving up. I gave myself the night off, yes, but now I'm back on the horse and ready to ride this out for a while again. I know this is hard, I've been through this before. And I know how frustrating each week can seem, until the day you turn around and realize how much you've really done. No, 30 pounds isn't much considering how much I still have to lose, and losing another 20 pounds will only put me back where I should already be in the downward path, but I'm working harder than I ever have and I'm going to have a fit and lean body...which should make this road a lot easier to walk down this time. I lost a pound (in fact, if you go by today I gained one *lol* Silly sodium..it's no joke people!!). Good. Now what? Another pound to get rid of. (Oh, and I've been thinking about rewarding myself with a tattoo after I get back down to 366.6 - the first century mark. Still considering but it's sounding better and better every day!)

Weigh-in goal for next week: 385
I just want it to be lower than any number I saw this week! *lol*

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

-SHIMMER-ANN- 6/23/2010 12:53PM

    This blog is so heartbreaking!! I want to say encouraging things, about how weight loss takes time, and about how absolutely beautiful and inspiring you are (TRUE!!!), but instead, I have a couple of other things to say.

I have never been obese. I have never even been overweight! But I lose and regain the same 15-30 lbs over and over and over and over...(you get the point) and I get damn SICK of dieting!!! You have had to not only lose 15-30 lbs over and over and over...and KEEP IT OFF...you've ALSO not yet reached a final goal! No relief, no breaks, no notice from others (excluding those closest to you....)...etc, etc. Basically, you are my HERO. This IS harder for you...A LOT harder. You are soooo much tougher than SOOO many of us "skinny" girls!!!

It hurts my heart to read about the way other people treat you. As you know, I grew up with an overweight sister (5'0, 300 ish lbs), and people treated her sooo terribly. I HATED IT!!! She was always sooo considerate at the expense of her OWN comfort, and nothing but sweet. She took all the blame onto herself, and I think she even felt like she deserved it! That is just awful. She suffers constant anxiety over what others think, from the extra time she needs to walk, to the possibility of not fitting through a turnstile. These are things other people aren't aware of...and that's what I want to say to you.

No one notices the vast majority of inconveniences you are anxious about when it comes to your weight. I never knew what tiny inconveniences my sister worried endlessly about (airplane seats, car space, theme park rides) until she voiced it in her 30s. Most people are amazed, impressed, and supportive of your desire to do what anyone else can do. Sure, there are the retarded A-holes who have NEVER been obese, or who have never watched the suffering of a loved one who is, who think that you shouldn't be allowed out, shouldn't wear bathing suits or tank tops, who judge you before they even know your name or the color of your EYES...but who are they to you?? I'll tell you who they are to me...

Ignorant jerks who are one day going to be invited to a face punch marathon hosted by yours truly ;)

I'm soooo very proud of you for the hard work you put into that trip, you are AMAZING!!! I recently did a six mile hike (3 miles up, 3 back down), and it kicked my ASS!!!!! You are incredible!!!!

I could go on, but I HAVE to stop. Keep up the hard work, girlie...I can't WAIT to see you reach your goal!! I want you to reach yours more than I want to reach MINE!! You are much adored, and supported :)

Hugs!

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RUNNINGNP2B 6/23/2010 10:46AM

    Pull out that tape measure, see what you get. You might be pleasantly surprised! Change up what you've been eating and see if that helps with more weight loss. The name of the game is adaptation, figuring out what works for you. AND YOU ARE AMAZING. You have done so incredibly well, and it's just the beginning girl. I'm so happy for you, you have done so well. You are going to continue to do amazing things.

P.S. I love the tattoo idea as a reward!

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NOLO88 6/22/2010 6:47PM

    I agree on the taking measurements. This week I gained 2 pounds but lost inches. So even when the scale isn't going down as much as you'd like, the tape measurer does! Keep Truckin'! There is a happy ending!

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SARYAINGRAMCOLE 6/22/2010 5:57PM

    You are an amazing woman.An inspiration to me and many others i am sure. Know i am pulling for you for all of us .I have felt like you many many times and you put it so well.We are always our worst critics!!!Thank you for saying what many of us feel. emoticon emoticon

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LUCYSUNFLOWER 6/22/2010 5:07PM

    You are my hero! And some of the noise in your head matches the noise in mine... You are extraordinary, amazing, and strong, and you motivate me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!! If I were there I would hug you. Then we'd both cry and feel dorky. So you get a Spark-hug from me instead!

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And more thanks for your honesty, grit and determiniation. I am cheering for you now as hard as I will be when you hit your goal weight.

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PRETTYMANDI 6/22/2010 2:26PM

    You should be proud! I know how you feel though. I have been too sick to exercise or eat all week then I cried when I saw I had only lost half a pound. This is the least I have lost since I have started this journey. I know I have been horribly sick, even ended up in the ER, but I want so much to power through and I hate that I can't do that always!

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THEWEIGHTSOVER 6/22/2010 2:18PM

    I don't know that I can say anything that has not already been said but I want to remind you that have made tremendous acheivements. No one is perfect and your chinese movie night is fine in moderation. I am glad you aren't giving up because you inspire me to give it more. Keep it up girl! emoticon

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KNOWMOREBBK 6/22/2010 12:39PM

    You said, "30 lbs isn't much considering how much I have to lose." While that might be your "truth," that doesn't define who you are. I'll tell you what... you and I started this program on the same day...and I have not lost 30 lbs. The last time I stepped on the scale (6/4), I had lost 15 lbs. Today? I have no idea. I will step on the scale on 7/4 and a number will be there. I will probably have lost more than 15 lbs. Two months, three months or six months later, we will be stepping on scales and we will see a number. It is just a number and it doesn't define who you are. As long as you keep monitoring what you eat and exercise everyday, you are getting healthier. Becoming healthier is your goal. Being around for your kids and their kids is your goal. It's not a race. I know you want this weight gone (NOW), and it is going. A pound at a time, it is leaving you. Slow and steady, you are doing it. And by the way, I never thought for one minute that you would give up.

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MEGSFITNESS 6/22/2010 12:12PM

    Your other commentors have already summed up my thoughts, but, in short--you -do- kick ass for doing that. I would be too intimidated to have attempted it before being healthier. I might not even do it now!

You're kind of right and kind of wrong in that you're not special. You're special because you've got the kind of drive and determination that is so hard to come by on this weight loss journey. But that's from me reading your blog and knowing you. You're "not special" in that strangers (especially these days) are much more absorbed in themselves and looking at themselves in every shiny surface to take notice of you.. So don't worry about how they might be criticizing or juding you.

I'm glad you didn't give up :) I rather like hearing about your weight loss journey as it inspires me to stay on my own.

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TEAM-SARAH 6/22/2010 11:36AM

    You are way too hard on yourself. You are so strong and amazing and doing incredible things and you don't have to prove yourself to ANYONE. Who cares what people think? You're right... half of them are probably not paying attention to anyone else at all really and other are probably thinking "good for her for being out exercising" and other people are gonna think mean things and who cares? They are the type of people who are thinking mean things about anyone they can pick out to put down to feel superior themselves. Stay strong and remember this journey is about YOU and not anyone else!

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BECKYB73 6/22/2010 11:23AM

    Do you take measurements? I didn't lose an ounce this week, yet when I measured my waist, I was a half inch smaller. Granted, a half inch isn't a whole lot when you've got like 30 inches to lose, BUT it's progress that you can't measure on the scale. The scale is only one dimension of your journey, there's so many other valuable victories that make up your final destination. I always try to remember that it took me nearly 10 years to get this big and it's not going to come off in a matter of months, no matter how hard I work. The only guaranteed way for you, me and the rest of the Sparkverse to fail is if we stop trying and give up. You're too much of a fighter for that, sister. I'm glad you're back on track.

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SUGIRL06 6/22/2010 11:06AM

    You are doing so fabulous! You shouldn't put yourself down for all your accomplishments. I can see that you know this and you will soon enough work through it and those thoughts won't even cross your mind. It will take time but you are on the right path. You hiked 5 hours!!! That is crazy. I think plenty of people would have a hard time keeping up with you! And you are right on the stranger thing. To them, you barely cross their minds. Maybe think of something to tell yourself when you start to think thoughts like that (Oh he thinks this about me!) and instead turn it around (You are beautiful and on your way to a healthy life!). Soon enough, those thoughts will be gone!

You are doing great and are on the right path. Just keep your head high knowing you can do anything!
~Ang

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AIMEETURD 6/22/2010 10:55AM

    You are pretty bad-a$$ hiking for 5 1/2 hours at Old Man's Cave (I'm only about 25 minutes from there), overweight or not! That is an awesome accomplishment, screw the scale & screw those stupid boys! Keep the faith and never give up! And remember that there are people who find you inspirational and look to you to find some motivation!!!

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TAMMIEANN717 6/22/2010 10:21AM

    Lady, you are awesome! I know how you feel, I let my own thoughts defeat me too often also. I admire your bravery for sharing so deeply and so intimately with us. You'll be in my prayers... for you to have strength and to draw from inside yourself that you may remember these things you have said and to not feel so badly when those negative thoughts start creeping up again.

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SUFRY3 6/22/2010 10:21AM

    Whatever you do don't give up. Just take baby steps that's all. Also, don't rely too heavily on your scales, from personal experience I worked very hard, exercised more than ever before, ate so healthy and ended up gaining 3 pounds. Take body measurements, that is much more an accurate count of losing and maintaining.

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TIFFANIE150 6/22/2010 10:20AM

    Never, never, never give up. Just keep on :)

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KARVY09 6/22/2010 9:49AM

    Please stop being so hard on yourself. I know it can be difficult, but you need to love yourself NO MATTER WHAT. Even if you slip up, even if you don't feel like you're 100% because YOU ARE WORTH IT. You are not going to be a better person when you lose the weight. You may feel better. You may be happier, healthier. But you will not be a better person.

This is heartbreaking to read because I'm reading a story about someone who is doing things RIGHT. Who is enjoying herself in moderation and working this healthy lifestyle. Be proud of the woman who has LOST MORE THAN 80 POUNDS. You are worth it.
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BAKER1009 6/22/2010 9:46AM

    You are such a strong woman! This blog was a seriously great read. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us. Keep on going, you are SOOOO worth it...and you are just that special to us here!
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CARRKM 6/22/2010 9:45AM

  You go, girl!!! As a 178-lb woman who could not hike for 5 1/2 hours, you have my utmost respect!!! I want to get to where you are!!! Good for you for getting back on the horse!
As for what those "others" are thinking of you... you had it wrong. They are not special enough to be kind and considerate of others. Blow them off, and think about your supportive, loving husband and kids. Be proud of what you've accomplished!

Thank you for sharing this... it put my past week (of -0- weight loss, but also -0- weight gain) back into perpective. emoticon

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