Monday, June 14, 2010
I've decided this week to start weighing myself every day. I did a lot of weighing last week and realized that I fight for my poundage lost on the last two days of the week. Somehow I've gotten it in my head that I can just do whatever I want on Sunday and Monday...because there is the rest of the week to make up for it. But I busted my BUTT last week, and only came up with a 2.2 pound lost. (Don't fight the "only"...just listen.)
Truth is? I was fighting off the two pounds I gained Sunday and Monday, and maybe another pound on Wednesday. I let myself cheat here and there...and while I logged everything and seemed fine calorie-wise...my heart wasn't in it. Then the end of the week I found myself making up for lost time. I decided yesterday that this is no way to live my life. I tell myself all the time, "The only person you're "cheating" is yourself." So this week we're going to monitor and record and be honest. We (I don't know why I suddenly became plural) are going to see what staying on target can do. Besides, I just hit Step 3 in Spark's plan - "Lifestyle Change."
That being said, I have vowed not to let those evil numbers hurt me this week. I just want to watch to see what my body does this week and see what I can tweak to make it perform better. I've promised myself that I will take note of other changes this week as well...to diminish the importance of those numbers on the scale. So while I lost another .4 pounds according to Mr. %#$*-face (I mean Mr. Scale) this morning, here are 5 more important things that I've noticed. (And it's only 11am!)
1. Getting up early...is it for me?
So since I started this training program, I've got walks scheduled each day. (Or, like today, a cross-training session.) To make sure I get this in, I'm attempting to get to bed early each night so I can start my day with a work out. (I'm not gonna lie - RAVENSONG37 had a lot to do with this decision.) I woke up at 4:30am. Yep, you heard me right. FOUR THIRTY AM! When the sun ain't even warm yet! I ate a mini-meal with some protein and carbs, and then put on my spankin' new workout clothes and popped in the Yoga DVD. 30 minutes later, I decided I was done and turned it off(...10 minutes longer than my training suggested - OOPS!). By 5:30am I was worked out, showered, dressed, and checking in for my Spark Points. I got an early request from hubby for editing of an article, which made the rest of my morning a little rushed, but all in all, I was better for it. The best part? I know that I'm done with my training for today! SO awesome!! Worst? My eating schedule is all thrown off. I've added another mid-morning snack before lunch...we'll see how that works out.
2. I walk faster!
I was walking down the hall to the bathroom just moments ago...a simple feat, right? But I noticed something...it took me no time at all to get down the hall! I wasn't even trying to hurry because I really had to pee. Nope, just a normal pace, but something that would have been brisk just two months ago and may have put me out of breath. I noticed this yesterday as well. I used to barely make it through a 30 minute mile...yesterday I did my "easy walk" and reminded myself along the way to just enjoy the walk, take it easy, don't worry about pace or distance or anything but having an enjoyable 15 minute walk. (And Ethan, my youngest, joined me so that helped as we talked about stuff along the way.) Still, I came back and realized that I had gone over a half a mile in 15 minutes at an "easy" pace. That means no more 30 minute miles, even if I'm taking it easy and enjoying life along the way! YAY ME!
3. A pretty face in the mirror.
It is 11:11 am currently. Usually I put my makeup on at my desk as soon as I get into the office (8am) before the rest of the crew arrives. (I used to do this because I never got up early enough...I had planned on putting on my makeup before I left the house this morning, but then hubby popped up with the early-morning editing request and my time was being spent elsewhere, hence, plain-faced Esther left the house with her makeup bag in her shoulder bag for work.) But right now, at 11:13 am now, I am still sans makeup. Why? Well, because I've had a busy morning, partly. But also because I looked at this girl in the mirror today and ....well... she looked just fine without the makeup. I mean, sure her right eyebrow shows up more than the left, making them looked uneven..and her frekles show through in certain places, making her skin look a tiny bit blotchy...but she looks GOOD! She looks healthy. She has a glow. She smiles at herself. And that feels darn good. I'll probably put my makeup on before my walk...or after...or maybe not at all. I'm good either way.
4. Exercise can be fun?
One thing I never thought before was that exercise could actually be something I looked forward to doing. I always thought of smelly gyms that overcharged and had equipment I probably couldn't use, or full aerobic classrooms displayed through my TV where I'd bounce around like a fool in my living room, or even just LONG walks on the busy road outside my house, sweating and cursing the ground I was walking on. But then I realized (thanks to Spark!) that exercise is so many other things. Housework and chores = exercise! That means I can kill two birds with one well-polished and tidy stone! Or pulling weeds, which makes my garden look great, my plants grow better, and makes me feel the sweat pouring down my back and legs. (POURING, I tell you!) And there's hiking and rowing and swimming and running under the water (i.e. water aerobics) and playing H-O-R-S-E with the boys! Exercise does not have to be boring DVDs...though I love these for their convenience when I don't want to go do those other things. I use my weekends now to "get outside and play!" And I get some great cardio in while I'm doing it!
5. Cooking can be fun...but it takes a long time.
Turns out, I really do love to cook! I made grilled salmon last night with roasted veggies - fresh green beans, cut potatoes, green peppers - and some WW Mac-N-Cheese (in case the kids wouldn't eat the other stuff) that SUGIRL06 sent me. Everyone devoured the food. Hubby said, "Are you sure this is diet?" He complimented me on the "greatest meal I've ever made" and I realized something -- he's been saying this for weeks now! Each meal is a hit with him. He questions the validity of the "diet" factor and comments on how we must put this meal into regular rotation. Oddly enough, I'm so addicted to trying new things that nothing has GONE on regular rotation. I've made the Skillet Veggie Couscous twice, and the Chicken Fried Rice with eggplant is a solid fall-back piece for us, but usually I'm too excited about another new recipe that I can't see making something I already made. My breakfasts tend to stay the same, and lunch is a pretty regular rotation, so dinner is my time to try something new! And I *love* it! Of course, it's been difficult doing all of this on a really tight budget, but I'm learning (Thank you KIWIFISH!) how to make menus and how to shop smart. It's actually, dare I say it, fun to try and beat the "healthy food is too expensive" myth!
So, yes...today I was down another .4 pounds. That could stay gone or it could have been silly body makeup at the time I weighed in (maybe I'm lighter at 4:30 and I pack on some water weight between 4:30 and 6am! You never know...). But these 5 things are things that are making permanent changes, or things I probably wouldn't have seriously considered or thought about prior to April 18th. (April 18th is going to be a day of celebration in this house from now on, I tell you! It's my SparkBirthday! The day I chose to live again!) Take that Mr. %#$*-face...err...I mean... Mr. Scale.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Training - 15 minute Easy Walk (DONE - .66miles)
Other - 60 minutes weeding garden (DONE!)
Training - 20 minute X-Train (DONE - 30min Morning Yoga)
Other - Walk at lunch (DONE! 23m/1.06mi), 60 minutes weeding garden (Nope.)
ST - Full body dumbbell workout (Nope.)
*Note - I'm experiencing a little bit of back pain so I didn't want to overwork myself yesterday evening. Plus I had a bit of an emotional ...well, fit...yesterday evening. Not sure if it's the hormone shot they gave me Friday or what. In a matter of minutes I went from yelling and banging dishes around to apologizing to hubby for being a basketcase. Hopefully my body will regulate soon and, hopefully, my back pain disappears today so I can get back on the exercise wagon again.
Training - 15 minute Brisk Walk (DONE! .89 miles @ 17min/mile pace!!!)
Other - Walk at lunch (HELL NO! It was 99 degrees and muggy enough to take your breath away!) Instead, I did 45 minutes on the inStride cycle.
ST - OFF - But I did 2 sets of 20 reps Crunches
*NOTE: I didn't get my AM workout in, or my lunch workout. I didn't get anything in until 9:30 pm or so, when I did my brisk walk followed by the cycling (with a break in between). I needed sleep so I didn't eat afterward. Plus, I ate a bunch of salty food at dinner. I did good, don't get me wrong - Vegetables and Tofu and some Sushi, but I ate too much and it had too much soy sauce on it. I could feel that before I even went to bed and knew the scale would reflect it this morning. (see below)
Training - OFF
Other - Walk at lunch, yoga break (DONE! AM Yoga - 20 minutes!)
ST - Squat & Lunge Workout (Nope)
Training - 15 minute Brisk Walk (DONE!)
Other - Walk at lunch (Nope, but walked on my first break, also weeded for 45 minutes)
ST - Full body dumbbell workout (Nope.)
Training - OFF
Other - Hiking? Swimming? Water Aerobics? (DONE! - Hiked for 1-1.5 hours...also pitched a tent, which was a lot of friggin' work because we didn't know what we were doing! *lol*)
ST - OFF
Saturday: (NO SCALE AVAILABLE)
Training - 2.5 mile Endurance Walk (I'm calling this done because we were hiking for 5.5 hours straight - with small breaks, of course - so endurance was certainly in there!)
Other - Hiking? Swimming?
ST - Upper body workout (Nope...well, not technically, but I did have to use my arms a lot for climbing up rocks and such..)
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Starting Weight: 466.6
SP SW: 416.2
Last Week: 390.8
Goal This Week: 388.8
Weight Lost This Week: 2.2 pounds
Total Weight Lost with SP: 27.6
Total Weight Lost overall: 78
So far I'm 13 for 13 in the month of June. So 13/30 done!
On Friday the family and I went to the lake and rowed for 2 hours. I did most of the rowing, with small breaks to rehydrate. Hubby was so impressed with my speed and determination! It felt good to see him proud. That night, though, I woke up crying because of the pain in my elbows and shoulders. I was fine after some ibuprofen and ice, but I don't know that I'll be rushing out to do that again anytime soon. There was a guy there with a kayak and I was *SO* jealous! That huge rowboat was SO hard to row!
My eating hasn't been 100% on track this week. I've been eating more lately, but that simply means I have actually been IN my calorie range! *lol* Of course, I've been working out so much that I've needed a little more fuel to keep the fire burning. We've also been struggling on trying to shop healthy on a budget. I'll get the hang of this, but it's been slow learning. This week I took a page out of KIWIFISH's book and wrote down the meals we would have this week before I went shopping. Only bought a few extras over what we needed for those meals. Tonight we're trying salmon! The last time I cooked fish, it didn't turn out so good, so I'm hoping this recipe will work out better.
We're thinking of going camping this weekend, and that means some hiking and maybe some swimming. It also means that I'll have to figure out what kind of "diet" foods I can eat over the fire. I did make some roasted veggies in a foil tent yesterday that I know will work in a fire as well.
Finally, I worked through some training ideas for myself. I'll start by training for a 10K. It's a 12 Week program, and I should be ready for a 10K by the end of July. That would allow me to do the 10K at the Charleston Distance Run on September 4th, instead of the 5K, as I had thought earlier. I'm going to try to get to a 5K walk in Ohio on July 10th, just to make sure I'm really ready. If all goes well, after the 10K training, I'll be ready to train for walking a half-marathon...and I have one in St. Petersburg, FL in my sights for the end of November. I know all of this is ambitious, but I've got to at least try. I have to!
Next week's goals:
* Weight Goal: 386.6 (-2)
* Food Goal: Stick to the menu guidelines
* Other Goal: Get some hiking in and enjoy nature! (And take pictures!!)
* Personal Goal: Finish this book and start the next.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
I was thinking yesterday about 25 pounds lost. Which led me to think that this isn't my first 25 pounds lost. Which led me to thinking about what I've done to get here and just how far I've come. (Warning: This is long, and is likely just part one of my "story")
My youngest son was born on April 5, 2002. I'm pretty sure I had broken 400 pounds by the time he was born, and I felt horrible. I was lazy and confused and angry about life in general. Nothing turned out the way it was supposed to. When I was a junior in high school I was preparing for a wonderful college career. I knew where I wanted to go (University of Toledo) and what I wanted to study (computer engineering). I was going to have a bright future. I felt secure in my ability and intelligence and I was ready to get a wonderful and great paying job, buy a house, marry someone who loved me and had the same beliefs as myself, have children and raise them in bliss.
Instead, this "good little church girl," who had made it to the regionals in Bible quizzing of all things, found herself pregnant just before her 18th birthday. I screwed up. I screwed up several times, caught up in the feeling of "someone loves me, I must do whatever it takes to keep that alive" and I broke vows to myself. And then I had to tell my mother. My heart was broken and so was hers. But we dealt with it. We managed. I opted out of the big, fancy college thing and, instead, I applied for community college. I gave birth to my son, Logan, and I was confused again. Life had suddenly gotten so ....big and important. Still, I managed.
I moved out of my mom's house and in with my boyfriend, sure that I was going to do this independent mother thing without screwing everything up. I tried going to classes (which started just weeks after the birth of my son) but after a while I realized that Music Education was not what I wanted to do. I couldn't play the piano and I didn't want to study music anymore. I hated that music was such a serious thing now. I missed having fun with music. And I knew that I would never make the money I needed to fulfill the dreams and goals I had in my head. So I cried a lot and dropped out. I told everyone that I *would* go back, no matter what the statistics said about people like me.
But when I dropped out, the downward spiral began. My life was a living hell. I was sad and angry and upset all the time. All the time. Boyfriend and I fought all the time. Within years, I was pregnant again. I thought about aborting this one. I couldn't take another child and there had been a break up between boyfriend and I and a horrible transition guy that made me regret the past year and wonder of the origin of the child. At the clinic I met with every belief system I ever had and faced the prospect that I would be going against everything I had ever said I believed in. I didn't abort him (thank God!) and boyfriend said at the restaurant later that day, "I guess we should get married, then." We did get married, but I thought his heart wasn't in it.
Depression set in that next year. In 2002 I was told by a CPS worker that I was suffering from PPD, and I believed her. I was disconnected from life. I spent days in bed. I ate and drank whatever I wanted. I did very little to even exit the house, let alone "exercise." I ballooned to nearly 500 pounds and my family voiced their concerns. But they didn't understand. I didn't care what I weighed because I didn't care about life. I didn't want to live any more. Until someone said to me, "You want to leave those boys without a mother?" and it clicked. One day I simply woke up.
I went to the doctor about gastric bypass surgery and weighed in at 466.6 pounds. One year. That's what they told me. My insurance required me to go through so much testing it could take one year to get through this and possibly get surgery. Whatever, I would do whatever it took. And I had learned from my mother's support groups that those who failed did so because they thought they could eat whatever they wanted after surgery. So I vowed to slowly take on the diet I would be forced to follow after surgery. And I went through all the testing for naught, because my insurance company dropped the surgery while I was going through all the testing they required for the surgery. (I *hate* insurance companies!)
I had two choices. Give in to always being fat or try to do what I could on my own. I chose the second option. I found an online group called "Losing and Loving It" and I stuck mostly to similar meals throughout the day. I did Walk Away the Pounds in my apartment living room three times a week. I went from not even able to complete the 1 mile workout to being able to do two or three miles. I used to drive each week to a doctor's office downtown where my sister had set up for me to weigh in on their huge digital scale. And I spent many a 30 minute drive home crying because I only lost .5 pounds that week. Or super excited for a 2 pound lost. I lost the weight VERY slowly, and by the time we moved I was down 80 pounds. Within a few VERY slow months in the new home, I lost the last 20 and I stayed there for one week. I seriously saw the century mark and somehow lost faith in my ability to do any more than that. I went on maintain mode instead.
I tell you all this so that you understand that I am not some insanely motivated person who woke up this April and decided to lose the weight and is somehow now always on. I understand the tools now, and I'm learning more and more through all of my SparkFriends. I don't exercise every day because I love it. Sometimes I do it because I remember what it was like to not move and be slowly dying in that bed years ago. Sometimes I just feel strong or encouraged by the people here. Sometimes I guilt myself into it, and I go through the entire workout yelling at myself in my head and calling myself fat and telling myself I'll never do it, all while I'm working out.
I feel stronger than I have since that junior year in high school. I'm still not sure of my ability to get a great job, but I'm trying to hold onto hope that there is something perfect out there for me. Something that I will love doing most days, something challenging, something that uses my skills of writing and creative thinking, something that allows me to travel, and something that allows me to make the money I need to move into a nice modest home and make a real life for my kids, instead of just getting by like we've been doing since I left my mom's house.
But one thing I get now is that it is life now, not a journey. I'm no longer living for the end. I'm no longer living for what I will be when I'm skinny and fit. Instead, I'm living for what I can do today to make myself strong, brave, bold, and ready for anything. I'm now getting really close to that century mark once more, and this time I will see it only for a week because the next week I will be below that mark. Headed to the second century mark. There is time as long as there is breath in my body, and the more I work out, the more time I give myself to reach my eventual goal. I'm learning as I go. My world is changing because I'm changing it every day. Sometimes I don't live exactly like I'd like myself to, but I chalk that up to living. Sometimes we have to celebrate or cry into a bowl of ice cream (I just make the bowl smaller now).
I'm not superwoman, I'm just learning how to make a better me.
Friday, June 11, 2010
It's FRIDAY! Which, for me, is Saturday part I. It's my chance to get things done around the house and to get outside during the day and get some activity in the great outdoors. I'm thinking we'll hit up the lake later today because it might pour tomorrow...plus I can't remember if my mom is supposed to be getting the boys tomorrow...should probably call her and find out. *lol*
A wrap-up of highlights of this week in pictures.
We tried this Roasted Red Potato Casserole. YUM! It's tastes a lot like "loaded potatoes." You can find it on SparkRecipes.
THIS was made by God! This vanilla honey greek yogurt tastes sooo good! I added a little of my homemade Strawberry jam and a little granola on top. *love*
I got this yesterday at the market. There was something weird with the blackberries, but the biggest deal was the kiwi. I tried a kiwi once in 1994. Hated it! I tried it again yesterday, remembering that i also used to hate pineapple and now I love it. Turns out I love kiwi now too. It's true - your tastes change as you age.
The Rocky song was going through my head as I considered this week how much of a fighter I've been working through this knee problem and trying Zumba again. I love it when I surprise myself!
I'm getting dimples where they're supposed to be now! Now my collarbones aren't popping out like crazy (I'm still 390 pounds), but they're making random appearances in the mirror. Love that! The other day I was showering and thought - my shoulders are getting smaller.
I have worked out so much this week that I'm feeling a rush of confidence. My self-esteem isn't a constant 10, but it's moved to a solid 8 most days. It's very cool to realize that I can do more than I thought I can!
My youngest son, Ethan. He's adorable and a mini-Mommy. (Seriously, my oldest looks just like his dad.) I think he loves that we get to do more fun things like going to the park where he can ride his bike. (One downer about living out in nowheresville is that it's hard to find a place to ride bikes...we have to drive into town or to the park or school.)
Plans for today:
Doctor appointment at 9:45am today.
Weeding the garden. (It REALLY needs this!!)
Lake. We're thinking of going out on a boat today. Also might take our new neighbors (a girl I've worked with for nearly 4 years moved in about a mile from my house) to show them where we like to go on the weekends. Maybe I'll take some pictures of it to share with all of you.
Cleaning. Our house needs some serious reorganizing. My room still isn't put together again after we had to rearrange for the new king-sized bed. Time to get things back together.
Hope you all have a great Friday and a wonderful weekend!
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