CALLIKIA   23,828
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My Brain is Full

Tuesday, December 03, 2013

You guys know that this is a very real thing, right?! I doubt that this is my problem, but it can happen to people. Stress really can be a harmful to your health!

Today is December 3rd and I still feel like I'm on day one.

Yesterday I went home from a slow, boring day at work (a little burned out here too) and went straight to the computer to start editing Sunday's family session. Of course, with being worn out and burned out on everything I feel like half the pictures I thought were good are now crap, but the boys keep telling me they look good so I'm just going to go with it. I had planned on taking a break in between jobs, but I wasn't able to do that as Hubs and I are sharing a computer and he needed to be one with friends for a game of his later that evening. So after 2 hours of speed editing when I wasn't really feeling it, I had to hand the computer over and go sit by myself in the living room. What else was I to do? Of course, sitting by myself watching TV and being so stressed only invites my stress and binge eating. My youngest was asleep. My oldest was off doing a school activity. I tried taking the dogs for a drive, but that just landed me in a drive-thru because there really isn't much to do where I live after dark. It wasn't my best night. Of course, it also wasn't the worst.

Tonight I have more editing to do after another long day at work. I have to sit down and finish the session and get all three of the last 4 sessions on disks and mailed out to clients. (One is a birth day session of a newborn, who I am supposed to do a studio-style newborn session for this weekend so I'm just going to wait and put those pictures with the birth day session on the same disk. I do Mom's for free anyhow, so she can't complain too much.

If I can get all of that done tonight I can take a breath and reorganize myself for a minute to try to get my head back in the game. I've been trying to get up earlier so I can get a workout in before work, but that hasn't been so easy to do with late night editing sessions. This morning I was up at 5:30am, but, of course, I talked myself into another 40 minutes of sleep instead of a workout. I could have used the workout more. I also need to get to the grocery store. Having serious cravings for fruit, meat and veggies instead of quick fast crap we have on hand right now that I've been trying to run us through to save money and get it out of the house. Why do I remember this being easier? Small budgets and little time is making it SUPER DUPER hard this time! *sigh* Either that or the stress of all the other things has my brain too full and I don't have room for another worry/concern. *shrug*

Plugging along...trying to make SOMETHING happen.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

4EVERADONEGIRL 12/3/2013 1:14PM

    Just keep plugging along will find the system that works best for you!!

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ERIN1128 12/3/2013 12:13PM

    A lot of the battle is mental, and it sounds like you're in a good mindset right now. Keep plugging!

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THANK Goodness That's Over!

Monday, December 02, 2013

Things have been absolutely INSANE for me lately. You see, on top of wanting/needing to lose weight and this salary job that sometimes requires me to work over, travel, spend long nights making sure everything is in place for a client...on top of all that I went and started myself a portrait photography business.

Smart, right? ;)

Honestly, it's one of those steps to pursuing my dreams and not letting my weight be a reason I don't do something. But, it means I have been crazy busy this past month setting up weekend sessions, editing pictures, posting, getting the word out about my services. I haven't even set prices yet - I'm still in the "building business and portfolio" stage, so I've been working solely by donation. That being said, I now have several family sessions, a baby session (3-4 month), a birth day newborn hospital session, a mock Senior session for a current high school Junior, and after this Saturday I'll have a newborn studio session all under my belt. Of course it's meant working nearly every single day in November - weekends included - and working many late nights (midnight) and still getting up early for work (6 am).

Thankfully, after Sunday I should be done until the new year (that gives me like 2 weekends, right?). Of course, I'll still be working - marketing, branding, setting prices, trying to put a website together, finding a professional print vendor, etc., but at least I won't be trying to do all of that in addition to shooting and editing.

So...holding my breath until Sunday. :)

I have been trying to "be good" but, of course, I haven't been paying attention nearly as much as I should. Still haven't given up hope, though. I keep looking at pictures from when I was miserable on my plateau and I would give just about anything to be back there again -- including sugar!

So I guess my update is...I'm still hanging in there. Still trying to find some balance. I did add another reason to my list -- my body is having a heck of a time regulating my body temperature right now. I'll be out in the field shooting for an hour in 30-50 degree weather and won't notice I'm cold (in fact, sometimes I sweat because I'm nervous). And then I get home in my warm home and SHIVER the rest of the night. Quite annoying!

Now...who has a banana?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ARUNNINGKAT 12/3/2013 2:13PM

    Congrats to you on living your dream and starting your business! It seems that sometimes the most stressful times in our lives are actually the best....when we look back and realize all that was changing and happening. That being said, the hard work in the middle in never any fun. emoticon

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FITMARY 12/3/2013 7:35AM

    Good for you for doing what it takes to get where you want to go!

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KELLIEBEAN 12/2/2013 10:13PM

    That is crazy! Crazy EXCELLENT! Good for you following your dreams.

Look into small, portable, healthy meals so you can eat right on the go. With everything going on, you should have no trouble burning calories!


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4EVERADONEGIRL 12/2/2013 6:41PM

    I'm proud of you for following your crazy dream!!! Get it, girl!

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ERIN1128 12/2/2013 3:09PM

    I don't know how you're fitting it in, but I LOVE that you're pursuing a dream! Awesome!

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GMO_JEN 12/2/2013 3:06PM

    That is super busy! Hopefully, as life calms down, everything will start to fall into place with your body. I think its awesome that you are chasing your dream, and even more so that you are getting such good experience :)

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Reasons to Start Over

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

* "Finish what you started!"

* You are not a wimp...or a quitter.

* Because jeans feel better when they hug you, not squeeze the every loving life out of you.

* Because hitting a heavy bag is fun.

* To boost your maneuverability during photo shoots and get the best shots ever.

* To be known as a superhero mom again.

* Because grocery stores invented Thanksgiving and Christmas to guilt you into indulging so that by New Year's Day they could guilt you into losing the fat behind you accrued over the holidays.

* Because today is not "two weeks before Thanksgiving" but November 13th. (see above reason)

* To regain your wardrobe, which was pretty and bright and sunshiny and not BLACK, GREY and BORING.

* Because we all miss your cheekbones.

* Because you were THIS close to having everything you ever wanted...until you get that and pick a new goal.

* Why friggin' not?

* The PF will never go away by sitting on your rump eating chocolate and talking about how much it hurts.

* Because the PF may NEVER go away. Time to learn how to deal.

* You aren't getting any younger.

* Building a business is easier when you feel confident in yourself, the image you are presenting and your work.

* Because photo shoots require tromping around for hours on end in order to find the best secluded spot for the most spot on "it's just us here in this big, beautiful world" type picture.

* Because my work suffers when I don't want to get out bed in the morning because I don't want to face what I look like in the mirror.

* Because I'm still quite pretty, I'm just hiding it...again.

* Because that last 5k was NOT my last 5k.

* Driving and traveling would be much easier, cheaper and more focused.

* Life is more fulfilling when you can actually enjoy it.

* Because being a foodie is about the quality of food, not the quantity. You can have it both ways, if you're smart.

* Two words: beach vacation.

* You did it before, you can do it again.

* Because you'd given anything to have the body you hated 90 pounds ago back.

* Because you want people to look at your face, not your stomach.

* Buying clothes is more fun in a smaller size.

* It's not rocket science.

* You never know how far you could go until you try.

* Because even though those stupid cliche messages annoy the crap out of you, you never know when you'll find a pearl of wisdom in the white noise.

* It's easier to feel kick@$$ when you know you can actually kick @$$.

* If you can't, it's better to know you seriously tried.

* To keep up with your heavily active teenagers. You rubbed off on them, it's time to return the favor.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MRSCLARK 1/13/2014 8:37PM

    I like your reasons alot

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CHANGEOLA 12/5/2013 4:09AM

    Loved all of your reasons and they definitely sound like something worth fighting for emoticon emoticon

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SPUNKYDUCKY 11/17/2013 8:48PM

    I like the one that says You Did it before, You can do it again
Don't beat yourself up
Just pick a number (10-15 lbs down, or somewhere) and get headed toward it. Whatever that number is it is better than before you restarted

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FITMARY 11/15/2013 7:00AM

    Step by step you are getting there 'cuz you are already on your way!

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SARAHJ19 11/14/2013 11:40AM

    Love everyone of these! I am so glad I logged into spark today to see your blog on my news feed! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GORIANA 11/14/2013 11:09AM

    Sometimes it takes a few tries to get to the other side of the mountain. Keep these reasons in mind when the road is rough. Make it a great journey and keep your eyes open for lessons that will help you over the next bump.

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4EVERADONEGIRL 11/13/2013 3:17PM

    Oh my gosh - this comment right here: * Because grocery stores invented Thanksgiving and Christmas to guilt you into indulging so that by New Year's Day they could guilt you into losing the fat behind you accrued over the holidays.



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NATNOEL 11/13/2013 3:14PM

    emoticon emoticon

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MERAINA 11/13/2013 1:10PM

    Right here with ya Babydoll!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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WISHICOULDFLY 11/13/2013 12:59PM

    Welcome back Esther! You have some terrific reasons! emoticon -Connie

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RODGRODMEDFLOD 11/13/2013 11:19AM

    Excellent reasons!


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Day 1

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

So, let's just pretend I wasn't here before. Let's not talk about the "f" word I'm feeling so much like and let's move on to goals and all that fancy nonsense. (The truth is, I can't afford to wait around until I have a positive attitude about this whole thing again. I have to go back to my "I don't care if you hate it, you're going to do it anyhow" mentality.)

Yesterday I weighed in at work at 395. Throughout our biggest loser contest I have managed to maintain or gain every single week. It's almost like I feel it's my job to gain weight again. So, yeah, it's time to get this beast under control again.

Goals for November:
emoticon Log every calorie every day. No excuses

emoticon Try to stay around 2200 calories. Not too far under OR over.

emoticon Drink 64 oz of water every day. Seriously, this is losing weight for dummies!

emoticon Workout for at least 10 minutes every day.

That's it. It's not rocket science. This time I just have to remember that even if you're on a plateau, you can still move forward, down the cliffside until you find the bridge. (I'm still so annoyed at myself.)

Hoping these simple steps will net me about a 5 pound loss this month. Shouldn't be too hard as long as I don't forget my brain on Thanksgiving.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ABETTERCHERYL 11/26/2013 11:55AM

    How's your plan going? Need an update!

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SPUNKYDUCKY 11/17/2013 8:49PM

    Go get it girl!!

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SARAHJ19 11/14/2013 11:38AM

    emoticon I am back after a long time of being away. I look forward to seeing your progress and your blogs :)

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GUITARWOMAN 11/13/2013 3:56PM

    Welcome back.

Your picture is absolutely beautiful--must surely reflect the inner you!

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4EVERADONEGIRL 11/13/2013 3:18PM

    Welcome back - I've missed you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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PINKYYSUEE 11/13/2013 2:36PM

    Great can do it!

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WATCHMEGO2 11/13/2013 9:56AM

    I'm starting over today too

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FITMARY 11/13/2013 9:33AM

    It's great to see you here! And those are good, do-able goals. "Just 10 minutes" of exercise a day can turn your world around so just keep going!
Hooray for start-overs and the new energy and commitment they bring!!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LOVEAZ 11/13/2013 9:03AM

    Totally doable. Keep focused on one step at a time!

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CHARMED34 11/13/2013 8:50AM

    it is a marathon. just keep moving forward. emoticon

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    Set goals and pursue them. Don't look at how far you have to go, look at hows far you have come!

Make Today the Greatest Day of Your Life

emoticon Until Tomorrow!

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IMMORTALDEBRA 11/13/2013 8:44AM

    im with you all the way!!!!

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JEREMY723 11/13/2013 8:40AM

    So good to hear from you! One day at a time, have a great Wednesday:)

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Wednesday, September 25, 2013

I haven't disappeared from the world or from my goals. I actually finished my Whole30. It was difficult, but it really taught me to value the taste of GOOD food (good tasting AND good for me). Of course around the 27th of the month I got sick and it hasn't gone away yet. Last Tuesday they were telling me it was probably Mono. It hasn't been confirmed, but I was so tired, wasn't eating, and it felt like there was a vice around my ribcage constricting my breathing. It's getting better, but I can still feel it lingering and everyone around me keeps telling me to go slow and try not to overdo it. In my head I know that. I know I could end up in the hospital with pneumonia if I don't take it easy, but my body and I feel like we aren't communicating right now and it is beyond frustrating. Just last month we were in perfect sync, and now this illness has knocked me back to the 466 peg (I'm still hovering around 385, but my body feels like it did way back when when I was 100 pounds heavier.)

So ...I'm not so great at taking it slow.
(If you know me, you know this already.)

Before I move on to my current plan/goals, let me debrief those who were wondering about my Whole30 experience.

I really hit a stride after a while. At the beginning of the week I would make a whole chicken in the oven. I would strip everything off the chicken, save the meat and make chicken salad for lunches, and then put all of the bones and skin and fat in a pot and make my own homemade bone broth. I used the broth later in the week to make a soup out of whatever veggies I could find to throw in, whatever spices smelled good at the time, and some sort of animal protein - beef, pork, chicken, doesn't matter. The rest of the week we'd stick to a lot of staples. We became obsessed with Chocolate Chili. It's actually one of the first meals I made AFTER's just THAT good. I've tweaked the recipe to our tastes, but it is going to become a regular. We had a lot of hamburgers on lettuce buns, plenty of pork chops, and some random steak and other items whenever the mood struck. Breakfast was almost always either a frittata or simply an egg, sausage and veggie scramble. By Day 30 it got pretty darn easy to work a week's meal plan around the rules.

Of course then I got sick and lost my appetite completely. And then I only wanted crap junk food (ironically, nuggets from McDonald's of all things...). And now I just don't care what I eat as long as I'm still moving and breathing and getting to work.

Work is crazy busy, which makes right now one of the worst times ever to get sick, so...yeah, juggling that and the stress has been difficult. I just need a simple plan I can stick to without thinking too much about it. I'm not quite sure what that looks like yet, but I do know some of the basics I'm bringing back next week.

emoticon Water. A strict 8 glasses a day without excuse. I bought myself 2 32oz water bottles from one of the football moms that sells Tupperware. I plan on carrying my bottle around and making sure I empty it into my stomach at LEAST twice a day!

emoticon 2200. I hate to do it to myself, but I need to just go back to counting calories. It's easy and I don't have to think too hard about it. For the first few weeks I'm going to try to stay within 2200-2400. My goal is to stick around 2200 until I get under 300 or unless that doesn't feel right. I think part of the problem in the past was cutting too much too fast and stalling out. I would go straight to a 1600 diet, and I can do that without too much trouble, but my body freaks out after a while and rebels and goes on strike. If I am not losing any weight on a 2200 calorie diet and I'm sticking to it like I should, then I will reevaluate.

emoticon Weigh-ins. Unfortunately this will be coming back as well. I'm not putting as much stock in this as I used to, though. After so many injuries and illnesses, I know the difference between the shape I am in now and the shape I was in when I was fighting myself for numbers on the scale. I wish I would have let go of the battle and just let myself feel good in my own skin. Instead I pressed too hard and landed myself right here. I signed up for my work's Biggest Loser competition...and if there is a cash prize involved, I fully intend to win it. We need the money for Christmas presents! *lol*

emoticon WORK OUT! These are coming back too. I had to scale back more than I ever thought. When I got injured I backed off, and then more when it started hurting again, until I couldn't even do laps at the pool or lift anymore because EVERYTHING hurt my foot. Problem is, the foot still hurts. Every time I start a walking routine I get sidelined again, and my self-confidence doesn't help me because I HATE walking with a limp and right now I kinda have to. So I bought the Walk Away the Pounds DVD. I used this workout when I was basically immobile about 100 pounds ago, so I know I can do it now. Plus, it's all done indoors where I don't feel my self-esteem plummet just because my knee needs a little TLC and I have to baby it through the mile.

Of course, all of this will take place AFTER my 5k this weekend.

I know what you were thinking -- why doesn't she start now? I have started more seriously considering my food choices and calculating my calorie intake. It will give me a fresh perspective. However, because of this illness, whatever it is, I'm doing my best to "take it easy". I was going to start working out this week, but Hubs suggested just resting for the 5k this weekend, which I refuse to back out of. I intend to walk it, of course, but I'm so terrified I'm going to have some sort of breathing malfunction and will have to stop without finishing the darn thing. I have friends and family walking with me, and they know about my current illness, so they've promised to help me through the best they can and keep an eye on me. Truth is, I paid $60+ for this race and I had intended to run it in the beginning. It was my triumphant return to the world of non-competitive running, I thought, but no matter how small of steps I tried to take in training for it, I got derailed again and again and again. Now I'm to the point where I have to at least try, and if I fail I'll have a starting point to measure my future successes against.

So that's where I'm at right now. My body is inflammed from head to toe and I should be home right now resting, but I have work to do and it isn't going to wait for me to feel better. I have another 5+ hour drive tomorrow, an overnight stay in a hotel, and another 5+ hours back on Friday...which isn't going to help my swollen ankles. I need to pound water like it's my JOB right now! And then Saturday we see what I'm really worth...I hope it's a finisher's medal (actually, I don't know if they're even handing those out...this is one of those color runs, which is why I wanted to do it in the first place - the charity host is the Special Olympics so I'm really hoping for some clarity in support and encouragement from the race organizers and workers and not impatience for me to hurry up and finish when I'll be lucky to even make it a mile!). At least it's a flat, easy course!

Other future plans:
Once I get the workout habit back, I need to incorporate some ST.
I would love to get a heavy bag for my basement. Stress relief and a great workout I will actually do.
I also want a rowing machine, which I hope will help the alignment issues with my knees and hips and help to strengthen those joints.
And one day I'll run again, or walk, or swim, or do something I can be proud of and move forward in.

Okay, off to drink some water! I want to try to check in here more, but we will see what I have time for. Did I mention I also completed my application for Grad School? It's an online MBA program, but still...I'm exhausted!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NICKLESPICKLES 10/10/2013 11:57AM

    One day at a can do it. The only thing I know is whether I choose to go with it or not...a year from now I can be better off or in the same old station I have refused to pull out of for the past few years. Today I choose to make the effort to get me better off. Blessings. emoticon

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4EVERADONEGIRL 10/8/2013 1:04PM

    Congrats on completing Whole 30! Good job!!! But boo to being sick! :-( You poor thing...

Hopefully you are feeling better since you last posted...can't wait to get an update!

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WISHICOULDFLY 9/30/2013 6:25AM

    Welcome back! Congrats on the Whole 30. emoticon

I am just reading this on 9/30 so I hope you did not wear yourself out for the 5K.

Sounds like you have a plan. Take care of your Mono and be careful! emoticon -Connie

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JEREMY723 9/29/2013 6:52PM

    So good to hear from you. I hope that you have a great week!

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SPARKLISE 9/27/2013 9:00PM

    emoticon emoticon

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ROMNEY3 9/26/2013 10:24AM

    Glad to know you are still keeping at things the best way you can. That is about all you can do really.

Enjoy the color run. Someday I will do one of those too.

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PAMAZON 9/26/2013 9:58AM

    Heeeeeeey! So good to hear an update from you. I'm pleased to know that the Whole30 went well. Sorry that you ended up sick. I hate it that when we're detoxing we are more susceptible to illness. Cleaning ourselves up from the inside out is hard to do!

I'm right on board with you on the counting calories. It is so simple, it always works. Always. So why aren't I doing it? Because I feel like I can't log imperfect days. I need to be honest with myself and log all the days all the time until I'm at my goal weight. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Cue western music....

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MANLEYSANDY 9/25/2013 7:42PM

    Glad to hear from you and looking forward to more of the same...

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TIFFANIE150 9/25/2013 4:52PM

    Good to see you back. I loved reading about your Whole30 experience. I've been wanting to try the chocolate chili. Now, maybe I will.

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ERIN1128 9/25/2013 3:34PM

    Glad you're back! Sorry about your troubles, but I'm happy to see that you're still hanging in there despite everything. Color runs are supposed to be super fun...they did one in my town this summer for the first time, and thousands and thousands of people showed up! Crazy. Anyhow, hang in there. And kudos on applying to grad school!

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ARUNNINGKAT 9/25/2013 2:41PM

    Glad to see you back on Spark. So sorry you are so sick. That is so frustrating! My mom used to get Mono a lot when I was little. Your plans sound wonderful! Make sure you take care of yourself and I am sure that you will be completely on track in no time.

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