Tuesday, December 03, 2013
You guys know that this is a very real thing, right?! I doubt that this is my problem, but it can happen to people. Stress really can be a harmful to your health!
Today is December 3rd and I still feel like I'm on day one.
Yesterday I went home from a slow, boring day at work (a little burned out here too) and went straight to the computer to start editing Sunday's family session. Of course, with being worn out and burned out on everything I feel like half the pictures I thought were good are now crap, but the boys keep telling me they look good so I'm just going to go with it. I had planned on taking a break in between jobs, but I wasn't able to do that as Hubs and I are sharing a computer and he needed to be one with friends for a game of his later that evening. So after 2 hours of speed editing when I wasn't really feeling it, I had to hand the computer over and go sit by myself in the living room. What else was I to do? Of course, sitting by myself watching TV and being so stressed only invites my stress and binge eating. My youngest was asleep. My oldest was off doing a school activity. I tried taking the dogs for a drive, but that just landed me in a drive-thru because there really isn't much to do where I live after dark. It wasn't my best night. Of course, it also wasn't the worst.
Tonight I have more editing to do after another long day at work. I have to sit down and finish the session and get all three of the last 4 sessions on disks and mailed out to clients. (One is a birth day session of a newborn, who I am supposed to do a studio-style newborn session for this weekend so I'm just going to wait and put those pictures with the birth day session on the same disk. I do Mom's for free anyhow, so she can't complain too much.
If I can get all of that done tonight I can take a breath and reorganize myself for a minute to try to get my head back in the game. I've been trying to get up earlier so I can get a workout in before work, but that hasn't been so easy to do with late night editing sessions. This morning I was up at 5:30am, but, of course, I talked myself into another 40 minutes of sleep instead of a workout. I could have used the workout more. I also need to get to the grocery store. Having serious cravings for fruit, meat and veggies instead of quick fast crap we have on hand right now that I've been trying to run us through to save money and get it out of the house. Why do I remember this being easier? Small budgets and little time is making it SUPER DUPER hard this time! *sigh* Either that or the stress of all the other things has my brain too full and I don't have room for another worry/concern. *shrug*
Plugging along...trying to make SOMETHING happen.
Monday, December 02, 2013
Things have been absolutely INSANE for me lately. You see, on top of wanting/needing to lose weight and this salary job that sometimes requires me to work over, travel, spend long nights making sure everything is in place for a client...on top of all that I went and started myself a portrait photography business.
Smart, right? ;)
Honestly, it's one of those steps to pursuing my dreams and not letting my weight be a reason I don't do something. But, it means I have been crazy busy this past month setting up weekend sessions, editing pictures, posting, getting the word out about my services. I haven't even set prices yet - I'm still in the "building business and portfolio" stage, so I've been working solely by donation. That being said, I now have several family sessions, a baby session (3-4 month), a birth day newborn hospital session, a mock Senior session for a current high school Junior, and after this Saturday I'll have a newborn studio session all under my belt. Of course it's meant working nearly every single day in November - weekends included - and working many late nights (midnight) and still getting up early for work (6 am).
Thankfully, after Sunday I should be done until the new year (that gives me like 2 weekends, right?). Of course, I'll still be working - marketing, branding, setting prices, trying to put a website together, finding a professional print vendor, etc., but at least I won't be trying to do all of that in addition to shooting and editing.
So...holding my breath until Sunday. :)
I have been trying to "be good" but, of course, I haven't been paying attention nearly as much as I should. Still haven't given up hope, though. I keep looking at pictures from when I was miserable on my plateau and I would give just about anything to be back there again -- including sugar!
So I guess my update is...I'm still hanging in there. Still trying to find some balance. I did add another reason to my list -- my body is having a heck of a time regulating my body temperature right now. I'll be out in the field shooting for an hour in 30-50 degree weather and won't notice I'm cold (in fact, sometimes I sweat because I'm nervous). And then I get home in my warm home and SHIVER the rest of the night. Quite annoying!
Now...who has a banana?
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
* "Finish what you started!"
* You are not a wimp...or a quitter.
* Because jeans feel better when they hug you, not squeeze the every loving life out of you.
* Because hitting a heavy bag is fun.
* To boost your maneuverability during photo shoots and get the best shots ever.
* To be known as a superhero mom again.
* Because grocery stores invented Thanksgiving and Christmas to guilt you into indulging so that by New Year's Day they could guilt you into losing the fat behind you accrued over the holidays.
* Because today is not "two weeks before Thanksgiving" but November 13th. (see above reason)
* To regain your wardrobe, which was pretty and bright and sunshiny and not BLACK, GREY and BORING.
* Because we all miss your cheekbones.
* Because you were THIS close to having everything you ever wanted...until you get that and pick a new goal.
* Why friggin' not?
* The PF will never go away by sitting on your rump eating chocolate and talking about how much it hurts.
* Because the PF may NEVER go away. Time to learn how to deal.
* You aren't getting any younger.
* Building a business is easier when you feel confident in yourself, the image you are presenting and your work.
* Because photo shoots require tromping around for hours on end in order to find the best secluded spot for the most spot on "it's just us here in this big, beautiful world" type picture.
* Because my work suffers when I don't want to get out bed in the morning because I don't want to face what I look like in the mirror.
* Because I'm still quite pretty, I'm just hiding it...again.
* Because that last 5k was NOT my last 5k.
* Driving and traveling would be much easier, cheaper and more focused.
* Life is more fulfilling when you can actually enjoy it.
* Because being a foodie is about the quality of food, not the quantity. You can have it both ways, if you're smart.
* Two words: beach vacation.
* You did it before, you can do it again.
* Because you'd given anything to have the body you hated 90 pounds ago back.
* Because you want people to look at your face, not your stomach.
* Buying clothes is more fun in a smaller size.
* It's not rocket science.
* You never know how far you could go until you try.
* Because even though those stupid cliche messages annoy the crap out of you, you never know when you'll find a pearl of wisdom in the white noise.
* It's easier to feel kick@$$ when you know you can actually kick @$$.
* If you can't, it's better to know you seriously tried.
* To keep up with your heavily active teenagers. You rubbed off on them, it's time to return the favor.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
So, let's just pretend I wasn't here before. Let's not talk about the "f" word I'm feeling so much like and let's move on to goals and all that fancy nonsense. (The truth is, I can't afford to wait around until I have a positive attitude about this whole thing again. I have to go back to my "I don't care if you hate it, you're going to do it anyhow" mentality.)
Yesterday I weighed in at work at 395. Throughout our biggest loser contest I have managed to maintain or gain every single week. It's almost like I feel it's my job to gain weight again. So, yeah, it's time to get this beast under control again.
Goals for November:
Log every calorie every day. No excuses
Try to stay around 2200 calories. Not too far under OR over.
Drink 64 oz of water every day. Seriously, this is losing weight for dummies!
Workout for at least 10 minutes every day.
That's it. It's not rocket science. This time I just have to remember that even if you're on a plateau, you can still move forward, down the cliffside until you find the bridge. (I'm still so annoyed at myself.)
Hoping these simple steps will net me about a 5 pound loss this month. Shouldn't be too hard as long as I don't forget my brain on Thanksgiving.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
I haven't disappeared from the world or from my goals. I actually finished my Whole30. It was difficult, but it really taught me to value the taste of GOOD food (good tasting AND good for me). Of course around the 27th of the month I got sick and it hasn't gone away yet. Last Tuesday they were telling me it was probably Mono. It hasn't been confirmed, but I was so tired, wasn't eating, and it felt like there was a vice around my ribcage constricting my breathing. It's getting better, but I can still feel it lingering and everyone around me keeps telling me to go slow and try not to overdo it. In my head I know that. I know I could end up in the hospital with pneumonia if I don't take it easy, but my body and I feel like we aren't communicating right now and it is beyond frustrating. Just last month we were in perfect sync, and now this illness has knocked me back to the 466 peg (I'm still hovering around 385, but my body feels like it did way back when when I was 100 pounds heavier.)
So ...I'm not so great at taking it slow.
(If you know me, you know this already.)
Before I move on to my current plan/goals, let me debrief those who were wondering about my Whole30 experience.
I really hit a stride after a while. At the beginning of the week I would make a whole chicken in the oven. I would strip everything off the chicken, save the meat and make chicken salad for lunches, and then put all of the bones and skin and fat in a pot and make my own homemade bone broth. I used the broth later in the week to make a soup out of whatever veggies I could find to throw in, whatever spices smelled good at the time, and some sort of animal protein - beef, pork, chicken, doesn't matter. The rest of the week we'd stick to a lot of staples. We became obsessed with Chocolate Chili. It's actually one of the first meals I made AFTER Whole30...it's just THAT good. I've tweaked the recipe to our tastes, but it is going to become a regular. We had a lot of hamburgers on lettuce buns, plenty of pork chops, and some random steak and other items whenever the mood struck. Breakfast was almost always either a frittata or simply an egg, sausage and veggie scramble. By Day 30 it got pretty darn easy to work a week's meal plan around the rules.
Of course then I got sick and lost my appetite completely. And then I only wanted crap junk food (ironically, nuggets from McDonald's of all things...). And now I just don't care what I eat as long as I'm still moving and breathing and getting to work.
Work is crazy busy, which makes right now one of the worst times ever to get sick, so...yeah, juggling that and the stress has been difficult. I just need a simple plan I can stick to without thinking too much about it. I'm not quite sure what that looks like yet, but I do know some of the basics I'm bringing back next week.
Water. A strict 8 glasses a day without excuse. I bought myself 2 32oz water bottles from one of the football moms that sells Tupperware. I plan on carrying my bottle around and making sure I empty it into my stomach at LEAST twice a day!
2200. I hate to do it to myself, but I need to just go back to counting calories. It's easy and I don't have to think too hard about it. For the first few weeks I'm going to try to stay within 2200-2400. My goal is to stick around 2200 until I get under 300 or unless that doesn't feel right. I think part of the problem in the past was cutting too much too fast and stalling out. I would go straight to a 1600 diet, and I can do that without too much trouble, but my body freaks out after a while and rebels and goes on strike. If I am not losing any weight on a 2200 calorie diet and I'm sticking to it like I should, then I will reevaluate.
Weigh-ins. Unfortunately this will be coming back as well. I'm not putting as much stock in this as I used to, though. After so many injuries and illnesses, I know the difference between the shape I am in now and the shape I was in when I was fighting myself for numbers on the scale. I wish I would have let go of the battle and just let myself feel good in my own skin. Instead I pressed too hard and landed myself right here. I signed up for my work's Biggest Loser competition...and if there is a cash prize involved, I fully intend to win it. We need the money for Christmas presents! *lol*
WORK OUT! These are coming back too. I had to scale back more than I ever thought. When I got injured I backed off, and then more when it started hurting again, until I couldn't even do laps at the pool or lift anymore because EVERYTHING hurt my foot. Problem is, the foot still hurts. Every time I start a walking routine I get sidelined again, and my self-confidence doesn't help me because I HATE walking with a limp and right now I kinda have to. So I bought the Walk Away the Pounds DVD. I used this workout when I was basically immobile about 100 pounds ago, so I know I can do it now. Plus, it's all done indoors where I don't feel my self-esteem plummet just because my knee needs a little TLC and I have to baby it through the mile.
Of course, all of this will take place AFTER my 5k this weekend.
I know what you were thinking -- why doesn't she start now? I have started more seriously considering my food choices and calculating my calorie intake. It will give me a fresh perspective. However, because of this illness, whatever it is, I'm doing my best to "take it easy". I was going to start working out this week, but Hubs suggested just resting for the 5k this weekend, which I refuse to back out of. I intend to walk it, of course, but I'm so terrified I'm going to have some sort of breathing malfunction and will have to stop without finishing the darn thing. I have friends and family walking with me, and they know about my current illness, so they've promised to help me through the best they can and keep an eye on me. Truth is, I paid $60+ for this race and I had intended to run it in the beginning. It was my triumphant return to the world of non-competitive running, I thought, but no matter how small of steps I tried to take in training for it, I got derailed again and again and again. Now I'm to the point where I have to at least try, and if I fail I'll have a starting point to measure my future successes against.
So that's where I'm at right now. My body is inflammed from head to toe and I should be home right now resting, but I have work to do and it isn't going to wait for me to feel better. I have another 5+ hour drive tomorrow, an overnight stay in a hotel, and another 5+ hours back on Friday...which isn't going to help my swollen ankles. I need to pound water like it's my JOB right now! And then Saturday we see what I'm really worth...I hope it's a finisher's medal (actually, I don't know if they're even handing those out...this is one of those color runs, which is why I wanted to do it in the first place - the charity host is the Special Olympics so I'm really hoping for some clarity in support and encouragement from the race organizers and workers and not impatience for me to hurry up and finish when I'll be lucky to even make it a mile!). At least it's a flat, easy course!
Other future plans:
Once I get the workout habit back, I need to incorporate some ST.
I would love to get a heavy bag for my basement. Stress relief and a great workout I will actually do.
I also want a rowing machine, which I hope will help the alignment issues with my knees and hips and help to strengthen those joints.
And one day I'll run again, or walk, or swim, or do something I can be proud of and move forward in.
Okay, off to drink some water! I want to try to check in here more, but we will see what I have time for. Did I mention I also completed my application for Grad School? It's an online MBA program, but still...I'm exhausted!
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