Tuesday, June 08, 2010
So my Monday was blah - whatever. Today is better. Today, as RAVENSONG so kindly reminded me, is NOT Monday. *lol* Today is Tuesday and I'm so pumped to get it going that, well, I already started! I arrived an hour early for work this morning to get some copying done and get some overtime in. I slacked and didn't do it this weekend, so I had to make it up at some point. Today seemed like that point.
So I have already been at work for an hour and a half. The case is nearly done and I have to wait for a coworker in to get some questions answered on another one before I can finish it up. By the end of the day I hope to have at least 3 done...maybe 5 if I can stay a little later. Wow, this probably sounds really boring to all of you! *lol* But I've been so unmotivated to even attempt to work lately that I've done a lot of avoidance. Unproductive Esther is not a Happy Esther. If I feel like I'm not pulling my weight it just depresses me and makes me feel utterly guilty, even when nobody else is doing anything...I'm known by my boss as the one who gets things done quickly and accurately. No reason to stop that now just because I'm "bored" with it.
I brought my workout clothes with me as well and they are sitting under my desk calling my name. Look back in my blogs and remember when I talked about the peanut butter cups calling my name from the dish on the top of my desk...now the chants are coming from under the desk and from a much better source. Yesterday I managed to spend my entire lunch break (45 minutes) walking. I walked to the Whole Foods Market and picked up a small serving of homemade chicken salad with whole wheat bread and some fruit. And once I walked out I couldn't stop because, well because I wasn't tired and there was still time left. So I extended my walk and walked the same route I did with my friend last week. So, basically, by 1:00pm I had gotten my exercise in for the day. (That may sound rediculous to all of you who get up at the butt crack of dawn to workout but...well, I don't work that way...at least not yet! *lol*)
And then I see a note from BBKLECKA suggesting (rather forcefully! *lol*) that I take a Yoga break. It was just after 4pm, the time when I usually get sleepy at work and get a little resentful of all those people at my work who work 8 hour shifts because they leave at 4:30pm and we still have an hour and a half left...so I figured Yoga couldn't help. It makes me focus on what's important. It clears my head. So I intended to just do a quick routine and ended up doing 30 minutes. Oops! *lol*
So...today...what trouble can I get into today? A walk at lunch is definate if the rain and my knee cooperate. Beyond that? Who knows. And, don't kick me, but there's another Zumba class tomorrow night as soon as I get off work and I was thinking...if I feel up to it...I'm going. My goal will be to last 5-6 songs or about 30 minutes this time. No turning around. More modifications. A lot of walking in place and shaking of the tookus! C'est tout! No jumping or anything that might strain the knee. I thought about going last night but the knee was hurting when I tried to shimmy in the bathroom...so I figured I'd better give it another day.
Happy Tuesday, everyone!
EDIT: I should probably admit now, in writing, that I went to a buffet last night and ate too much with hubby. Not that I care. *lol* No, really...I have no guilt. I'll just have to remember this day in case the scale argues with me next Sunday. I did turn to hubby afterward and say, "No more Ponderosa, alright?" Blah! No good, dude! Only bonus was the grilled chicken and baked potato I brought for today's lunch...the rest could've just stayed there for other people to be suckered in and drowned in useless, tasteless calories. YUK! Only thing I liked? Vegetable soup. That tell you anything about how my tastes have changed?
Monday, June 07, 2010
'Tis Monday. I hate Mondays. I hate my job right now..honestly, I'm just plain bored and I had so planned on having something lined up following college that...well, I'm a little lost. And spending 10 hours at a job that is stale and boring isn't a great way to spend a day...any day, for that matter. I know I should be thankful that I even have a job, especially because hubby doesn't...but this job doesn't pay crap and it's boring as all get out, so I'm not thrilled or over the moon about it. I did not bust my butt and stress myself into a near cardiac arrest for three years to stay here, bored, underpaid, underappreciated, and unmotivated to even work because of it. *sigh*
Wow! Hope that's out of my system now! On another note - it's Monday. The real start of a new week, and I'm sitting here wondering - what can I do THIS week to top last week? I actually have a couple challenges starting this week, so I feel even more pressured to make it an awesome week. First things first, I discovered that the local YMCA's fitness center gives vistor passes for like 7 bucks to people "out of area." That will be of great use on nights I work late or have to work my second job and have time in between.
As far as lunch goes today - I have a few options. I can either eat the frozen dinner in the freezer (at least, I THINK I still have one in there...) or I can walk in one direction and get a salad at the whole foods, or walk the other direction and get a sub from Subway. It feels like a pretty nice day out there, so I think I'm going to take a walking option, even though my knee feels quite stiff following my 30 minute walk yesterday. (Hubby actually talked me into that...he wanted to go bike riding again at the lake...he's noticing changes in himself as well and he likes it!)
It seems today is going to be one of those "I don't want to do anything because I can't think of what to do indecisive days." Hope it turns around soon! Right now...I'm tired. Seriously ready for bed. I just didn't sleep well last night so I guess that's what's with me today. *sigh* I hate that I didn't drive to work because I can't drive off and get away from here. I know it should be good that it restricts me to walking, but I *hate* feeling like I've been stripped of my options. It's not that I *want* to drive anywhere, it's that I want to have the option of driving somewhere. *sigh*
(Grump Mood Activated)
Sunday, June 06, 2010
Starting Weight: 466.6
SP SW: 416.2
Last Week: 395.6
Goal This Week: 392.6
Weight Lost This Week: 4.8 pounds
Total Weight Lost with SP: 25.4
Total Weight Lost overall: 75.8
Workout Goal: 30 for 30!
15 minutes a day every day.
So far I'm 5 for 5. Today will be day 6!
Strength training 4 times a week.
Major fail here. I haven't been doing much ST. And what I am doing, I haven't been logging. One reason for this is the yoga routines I'm doing are like strength training (just try to hold 390 pounds in a dolphin pose for a minute and you'll see how much it works your arms and legs!). Going to try to improve on that this week because, as much as I like the pound lost, right now it's all about strength building (for my knee) and inches lost (so I can buy new pants, darnit! *lol*).
Increase speed of 2 mile (from 22 minute mile).
Haven't done much walking this week. Going to work on that this week and get back into doing my 2 minute mile at least once a week to try to improve. Found walking training for a marathon chart that I'm going to tweak for my goals of walking a 5K.
Try Zumba (class tomorrow...wish me luck!)
See my other blog. I did try. I did like it. I didn't make it through it because of the knee. This will change and I will find the modifications I need to complete a full hour class by the end of June! They aren't doing Zumba next week, which gives me a week to recover, and then I'll be back on the Monday after.
No more "treats" every day. Once a week is good enough.
No, seriously. I don't know that I can do this...so I modified my treat. We bought sherbet this week instead of ice cream. Lower calories = less guilt.
Find more "quick and easy" options and keep them on hand for lazy days. These are a reality for me sometimes, so I need to be prepared!
I'm working on this. Light hot dogs for cookouts (eaten with mustard and without bread), lower calorie hamburgers that hubby insisted on buying for me (and buying a cheaper bag, but like 40 more calories each and more fat for him and the boys). My husband has been absolutely wonderful through all of this and I love him more each day because of his support!
Lower the fat and up the protein and carbs! Try to stay on target here!
I'm doing much better finding lower calorie options. Carbs are still a problem, but I'm not worrying about it. I can't argue with a great weight loss week (in which I don't think I met my carb goal but like once...) - maybe my body doesn't need as many carbs. *shrug* I know I'm not exactly hungry for them. (Though a slice of thick italian bread sounds so good right now after reading Val's blog.)
Breathe easier. I'm just going to leave it at that.
Working on it. This refers to stress and smoking and strength and endurance and a lot of things. I just want to feel better at the start of July that I did at the start of June.
Apply to at least 5 jobs a week. Make sure to check job sites every day for new postings. Spread the word to increase the chances of finding opportunities through friends and acquaintences - NETWORK!
I have been spreading the word. I check job posting sites nearly every day and I think I got 5 apps/resumes in this week. Still no word on any of them, but I'll let you know if that changes. I will find a great new job. I will. Just a matter of time if I stay focused. In Avon we used to say that it took 100 No's to equal 1 Yes. So if I knocked on 100 doors one day, the 101 door would be someone wanting to buy.
Go camping one weekend this month.
Not yet. We're talking about this weekend because I have Monday off for WV Day.
Go hiking once this month.
We hiked, but only for about 15 minutes yesterday. Once the knee heals I can't wait to show hubby the pretty hiking path at Forked Run. He actually proposed the hike yesterday and sounds excited to do it! (He even said that it was easier for him to get up and down the hill to the lake yesterday. It made me smile. Hubby's getting fit too without really trying, just putting up with my activities!)
Go swimming at least once.
Okay, we went in the lake but I didn't get to really "swim" per se. I did "run" underwater though...that felt good! *lol* Hubby and the kids were laughing, and then the kids tried "racing" me.
Go rowing at least once.
Not yet, but hubby and I talked about it yesterday and we're thinking the boys would be more content with this if they get to fish. Thankfully we don't need to pay for fishing licenses for them because they're under 14. Neither hubby and I care to fish, but the boys love it. So hubby and I can row them out to an area of the lake and they can fish for a little bit.
What I learned this week:
I learned that I can deal with things that "pop up" unexpectedly if I just use my head instead of going to that place where I think "I can't control this situation or the food I'm given so what the heck." The cookout for grandpa's birthday party had me eating a cheeseburger and then I wanted a hot dog. I made the hot dog without bread. I knew this. I've known this little trick for so long...but I never really consistently stuck with it.
I learned that my weekend fun last weekend did not have to be the end of my weight loss. Sure, I gained weight. But I had a blast! And I wouldn't trade that for 2 pounds or even 10! I needed to have that time with friends. And we rarely see them, so this not being an everyday thing helps me to know that it's okay to celebrate once in a while. I got back on the horse and I lost the extra pounds this week - plus a little more.
Weight loss goal for next week: 388.8
Tee-hee...I kinda like those 8s! (one of my lucky #s!) It's a weight loss of 2 pounds. It's under the 390's! (SOO close I can taste it!) and it's very close to the weight I was maintaining after I lost that initial 100 pounds. (I hovered around 375-380 for years before starting to let myself slip, let in foods I hadn't allowed myself before, and gaining some more weight back.)
Still working with a sore knee today, but I'm noticing that recovery time is much easier and quicker now that I'm working out. I turned to hubby yesterday at the hike and said "Remember when my knee used to go out? Do you remember what I'd do all day after that?" Hubby: "You'd be laid up on the couch or bed all day in pain." Me: "Yep. Look at me now." Hubby (I think he may have cracked a smile at me at this point): "You're hiking!"
Sure, we had to give up our hike early...and there was a lot of leaning on hubby on the tough parts (it had rained so it was slick where leaves had fallen and there was a bunch of mud - plus there were a lot of hills, rocks and tree roots sticking out and a lot of up down and narrow paths). Hubby was worried for me but we tried it anyways. After a little bit I turned to him and said, "I think I'm done here. I'm getting nervous." So we stopped. And we took a little detour down to the lake where the boys had a blast, where hubby and I even got in, where I couldn't stop myself from doing some water aerobics, and then we climbed the hill back up to the car and went home.
After everything that happened yesterday morning - yesterday was a very good day. I learned a lot about my ability to push through. And I'm so much stronger for that!
Saturday, June 05, 2010
So I went into today with the Last Chance Workout kinda vibe. This was it. Day before weigh-in. I actually went to bed early (well, earlier than most Friday nights) so I could get up early and go to my first Zumba class. And everything went well this morning. I woke up on time. I had a healthy breakfast full of carbs and protein. And I headed out the door early.
I walked in nervous. I paid my 3 bucks and signed the sign in sheet. Then I stood around and listened to the jingle of regulars come in (nobody told me about those jingle scarves they wrap around their waists...part cute, part annoying). I picked out a spot in the back with my water bottle and towel in reach behind me.
Four songs. That's how long I lasted. My knee started to hurt after song two so I started modifying. Then I tried to do something fancy -- turn around. Yep. I was turning around when I felt the familiar feeling of my knee going out. I was P.O.ed. I'm beyond the point now of fear and, instead, I jump to anger. This stupid knee holds me back from everything! So annoying. If you've never known the feeling of hating a part of your body for not cooperating...well, good for you! But at least once a month I'm reminded of what I can't or shouldn't do by my stupid knee.
Explanation - When I was about 16 I was jumping up and down in the parking lot of my school to keep warm. I came down wrong, my knee went out, I landed on the right side of my right foot. The next night my mother took me to the ER where we learned I had broken my foot, but my knee was just...well, it was just my knee. It's been going out since I was about 12. Anytime I sat with it bent for too long...squating was out of the question. After years of managing, the doctor proposed physical therapy. Apparently the muscle on the outside of my leg was stronger than the inside one. This caused that outside muscle to pull my kneecap to the left and pop my knee out. Months of physical therapy ended with no change...well, the only change was a stronger outside muscle. *sigh* Annoying.
So the docs recommended surgery to cut the ligament from my kneecap to the outside muscle. Months of recovery and PT followed. Seemed fine for a while...and then it started pulling the other way...and that hurt even more than before! So since 16 I've lived with increasingly annoying issues with my knee. Like I said, it goes out once a month or so. It can happen at anytime, no matter how careful I am to avoid it. Turning has been a big issue lately. I've even had it go out while I was asleep. I'm beyond the point of management and being careful.
So when I felt that pull today in Zumba, I tried to simply stand still on my right leg. I tried to jiggle and shake what I could, but everything hurt my knee. Finally I gave up and walked off the floor. I tried to go to the bathroom, but it was full of kids playing. Not sure of what to do, upset and hurt (emotionally/mentally), I grabbed my bag and walked out. And then I cried. Like, a LOT. I cried for what I had become. I cried for what I couldn't do. I cried out of embarrassment. I cried all the way home.
So, for today I failed at Zumba. But I'm not giving up on it entirely. In 20 minutes I had sweat pouring down my back. It felt great. I felt energized! It would have been wonderful without that moment. So Monday I will call my doctor and get a referral for an orthopedic consult. I will let them know that it is time for something, anything to be done! Even if it's simply another expensive knee brace until I can work this weight off.
THIS has been the reason I have failed with weight loss in the past. Not loss of motivation or addiction to food. I've worked beyond this, though there will always be issues with it now and again (not saying I don't have these issues, but saying, instead, that this is the least of my worries). But the biggest thing that has made me fail has been this knee. This time around? No excuses. I'll solve this problem and move on. I'll continue to walk. When the knee goes out I'll do crunches and my inStride cycle and my resistance bands. I'll do whatever it takes to keep burning calories. And I WILL find someone who will have a better excuse than "You're fat." Yep. Got that. But what can you do to make it so I can workout and NOT be fat? I will not be stuck in this cycle of "come to doctor with knee issues - doctor says to lose the weight - can't lose the weight because of the knee problem - knee pops out - go to doctor - doctor says lose the weight".
That's what I'm DONE with. I will be back at Zumba. I'll take it easy. I won't turn. I won't jump. I'm just shimmy and shake my bum for an hour. I don't care if I look like an idiot! Can't stop...I'm just too stubborn.
Friday, June 04, 2010
That's how I felt this morning after hopping on the scale and seeing another increase. Let me preface by saying that my weight fluctuates rediculously from day to day. I don't understand it. Like, at all. This is why I don't weigh myself every day. This is also why I hate numbers. They just don't seem to make any sense in my situation. I can be on track all day, every day, for 5 days in a row, but each day my weight could raise a pound or even two...and then on the fifth day I, somehow - magically?, lose 8 pounds. I mean, it just doesn't make sense calorie-wise. Did I mention that I hate numbers? HATE. There is a strong passion behind my abhorance for numbers. I was an English major. Numbers and I don't compute.
So this morning I'm up to 398. WTF, dude? Seriously? I cannot pinpoint a place where I did anything to cause this gain. Yesterday went much like this:
6am - wake up. (Okay, maybe it was closer to 7am.) Take shower, dress. Open greek yogurt, add homemade strawberry jam, add small amount of granola, grab spoon and run out the door. Eat yogurt while in car on the way to work. (I have a talent, people!)
8:30am - Arrive at work. Realize that I survived the day before without coffee (my work was out of creamer and I didn't feel like buying it again), so I make myself a cup of tea. YUM! I sparked much of the day. I took a few breaks. On my breaks I tried to pace or walk back and forth in front of the building while reading. Just moving a little. 'Tis a good thing.
10am or so - I join the Yoga Lovers group on Spark. I realize that I want to learn more Yoga moves. I track down a website and pull off two moves for weight loss. I put on some soft music, lock the door to my office, kick off my shoes and spend the next 12 minutes centering, breathing, stretching, Yoga-ing it up. Can't figure out what else to do, so I just stop there and call myself good...I'll work out again later.
1pm - I ask Judge what it's like outside (he runs miles and miles daily and we often share weather reports with one another...especially following the incident a few weeks ago when both of us got stuck in the downpour and were soaked through. He got sick... :( ) He tells me that it feels fine at first, but after you start sweating it's hard to recover. *sigh* I live an hour away. No shower anywhere near. I still have my second job to go to tonight. This is a showstopper. I'll work out later. I take my book, park under a shade tree and read for 20 minutes before returning to the office.
4:30pm - Off work. I head out the door. Hours to kill before my meeting at 7:30pm. I want to work out but it's still VERY hot and I can't afford a gym membership yet. *sigh* I hate this part. The waiting. I don't want to get all sweaty. Now, not only do I not have a shower handy, I don't even have a place to change. Sucks dude. I go to CATO, find nothing...a shirt that just doesn't look right. I leave and head to my meeting. No clue what to do. Sit in the car and read? Did I mention that I hate waiting? I call home and whine on the machine to nobody at the house. They've gone to grandma's. I wish I were there instead. I go to Dick's Sporting Goods and pick up a set of resistence bands. Get a little peeved over the fact that these sports stores assume the only people who work out are tiny people as I look around at the mini-shorts I see. *sigh* Maybe I'd like a nice shirt for running with that "moisture wick technology" you're touting. Ever consider that? Nope. Thought not. Drool over the fitness equipment and the kayaks. (*love*) Leave with bands, but unfulfilled.
5:30pm - Call AM (friend). She suggests a walk. I remind her it's too hot and I don't have a place to shower and change. She offers a glass of wine. I turn it down. Traffic is bad. Don't want to be stuck driving all over town and miss the meeting. She says she will meet me near my meeting and we'll grab some sushi. Okay. I guess. *sigh* I arrive in S. Charleston and look up at the mound. It's an old Indian Mound. There are stairs climbing to the top. It once looked enormous to me. Now, not so much. I always said I wanted to climb the stairs. I decide I have the time now. I climb the stairs. There aren't too many but it's a tiring workout anyhow. My blood pumping feels good. I sit at the top for a moment, take in a beautiful view over the little city there. I climb back down and walk around the mound once. Not too sweaty. Manageable. Good. About 10 minutes there...not sure, didn't check the watch.
6pm - Sushi dinner. Sushi is good for me. Edamame is good for me. Rice is alright in moderation. Miso soup - too salty. I have a bite or two and leave it alone. I drink water. I cut back on the amount of soy sauce I use. I still eat too much sushi (my body is not used to stuffing itself anymore...I guess I'll have to only order 1 or 2 rolls next time. Maybe just a Tekka Maki and a Kappa Maki. Lowest in calories. Best tasting.). I leave unconfortably full, but not completely P.O.ed at myself. Could've been MUCH, MUCH worse!
7-9:30 - Nice meeting. Interview a few people. Leave with notes and head over to paper. Discover a new guy at the paper - guess I didn't get that job. *sigh* Sit down, laugh a little with coworkers (journalists have the greatest sick sense of humor, I swear!) and write a LONG story. I've been restricted lately due to space issues, but I was told it was a slow news night so I just kept writing until I was done. I wait for it to be edited by a senior staffer and once he gives me a thumbs up (or was it the O-K sign?) I head for home.
10:30pm - Arrive home to waiting hubby's smiling face and kids sound asleep. Flip on old Gilmore Girls episodes and decide to whip out 10 minutes on the inStride cycle. Do 15 and decide to stop. Decide stopping is stupid because, while I'm tired and sore, I still have a little more in me. Do 18 minutes total to round of the 12 from yoga earlier. Stretch. Feel better. Hungry. Eat PB&J on a round. Still hungry. Eat another. Fulfilled. Drink a ton more water. Check Spark. Internet issues. Try tracking sushi but unsure of calorie counts. (No way, dude. This is hard!) Internet issues get worse. Give up. Close laptop and head to bed.
Where in that day do you see Esther losing it and gaining 3 pounds? Anyone? Buller? Buller? THIS is why I hate that blasted scale. He's evil. He lies. I hate him. I kick him on random occasions because he tries to stab me in the back on a regular occasion. My only thought is that - PERHAPS - there was too much salt and too much sitting which = water weight. OR that I didn't get ENOUGH calories, which I seriously doubt, dude. If sushi was that low in calories, everybody would be eating it! I have yet to hear of the Sushi Diet, so I'm assuming I've calculated wrong.
Armed with this 3 pound knowledge, I can do one of two things.
1 - Panic. Maybe even give up.
2 - Adjust.
Considering my computer desktop currently tells me each morning and afternoon to Never, Never, Never Give Up - I choose 2. I will adjust. I have already precalculated my calorie counts for the day (and am STILL under. *sigh*) and already know what I am preparing for dinner tonight. I know what my snacks will be (and tummy says it's time for one now...right on schedule!) and all I have yet to figure out is my workout for the day. It's going to be intense, I hope. I hope this drives me to pull out all the stops. I hate those 3 pounds...and the two pounds I gained last week. HATE. Passion. I want to banish them to hell, gosh darn-it. I don't want to ever see them again. I need the 380s, and I'm not going to get there by panicking and giving up.
Adjust. Move on. ....I hate those 5 pounds right now...
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