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Weigh-in for Week 7

Sunday, June 06, 2010


Weigh-in Day

Starting Weight: 466.6
SP SW: 416.2
Last Week: 395.6
Goal This Week: 392.6
Actual: 390.8
Weight Lost This Week: 4.8 pounds
Total Weight Lost with SP: 25.4
Total Weight Lost overall: 75.8

Goal Updates:

Workout Goal: 30 for 30!
15 minutes a day every day.
emoticon So far I'm 5 for 5. Today will be day 6!

Strength training 4 times a week.
emoticon Major fail here. I haven't been doing much ST. And what I am doing, I haven't been logging. One reason for this is the yoga routines I'm doing are like strength training (just try to hold 390 pounds in a dolphin pose for a minute and you'll see how much it works your arms and legs!). Going to try to improve on that this week because, as much as I like the pound lost, right now it's all about strength building (for my knee) and inches lost (so I can buy new pants, darnit! *lol*).

Increase speed of 2 mile (from 22 minute mile).
emoticon Haven't done much walking this week. Going to work on that this week and get back into doing my 2 minute mile at least once a week to try to improve. Found walking training for a marathon chart that I'm going to tweak for my goals of walking a 5K.

Try Zumba (class tomorrow...wish me luck!)
emoticon See my other blog. I did try. I did like it. I didn't make it through it because of the knee. This will change and I will find the modifications I need to complete a full hour class by the end of June! They aren't doing Zumba next week, which gives me a week to recover, and then I'll be back on the Monday after.

Food Goal:
No more "treats" every day. Once a week is good enough.
emoticon No, seriously. I don't know that I can do this...so I modified my treat. We bought sherbet this week instead of ice cream. Lower calories = less guilt.

Find more "quick and easy" options and keep them on hand for lazy days. These are a reality for me sometimes, so I need to be prepared!
emoticon I'm working on this. Light hot dogs for cookouts (eaten with mustard and without bread), lower calorie hamburgers that hubby insisted on buying for me (and buying a cheaper bag, but like 40 more calories each and more fat for him and the boys). My husband has been absolutely wonderful through all of this and I love him more each day because of his support!

Lower the fat and up the protein and carbs! Try to stay on target here!
emoticon I'm doing much better finding lower calorie options. Carbs are still a problem, but I'm not worrying about it. I can't argue with a great weight loss week (in which I don't think I met my carb goal but like once...) - maybe my body doesn't need as many carbs. *shrug* I know I'm not exactly hungry for them. (Though a slice of thick italian bread sounds so good right now after reading Val's blog.)

Health Goal:
Breathe easier. I'm just going to leave it at that.
emoticon Working on it. This refers to stress and smoking and strength and endurance and a lot of things. I just want to feel better at the start of July that I did at the start of June.

Personal Goal:
Apply to at least 5 jobs a week. Make sure to check job sites every day for new postings. Spread the word to increase the chances of finding opportunities through friends and acquaintences - NETWORK!
emoticon I have been spreading the word. I check job posting sites nearly every day and I think I got 5 apps/resumes in this week. Still no word on any of them, but I'll let you know if that changes. I will find a great new job. I will. Just a matter of time if I stay focused. In Avon we used to say that it took 100 No's to equal 1 Yes. So if I knocked on 100 doors one day, the 101 door would be someone wanting to buy.

Other Goal:
Go camping one weekend this month.
emoticon Not yet. We're talking about this weekend because I have Monday off for WV Day.

Go hiking once this month.
emoticon We hiked, but only for about 15 minutes yesterday. Once the knee heals I can't wait to show hubby the pretty hiking path at Forked Run. He actually proposed the hike yesterday and sounds excited to do it! (He even said that it was easier for him to get up and down the hill to the lake yesterday. It made me smile. Hubby's getting fit too without really trying, just putting up with my activities!)

Go swimming at least once.
emoticon Okay, we went in the lake but I didn't get to really "swim" per se. I did "run" underwater though...that felt good! *lol* Hubby and the kids were laughing, and then the kids tried "racing" me.

Go rowing at least once.
emoticon Not yet, but hubby and I talked about it yesterday and we're thinking the boys would be more content with this if they get to fish. Thankfully we don't need to pay for fishing licenses for them because they're under 14. Neither hubby and I care to fish, but the boys love it. So hubby and I can row them out to an area of the lake and they can fish for a little bit.

What I learned this week:

I learned that I can deal with things that "pop up" unexpectedly if I just use my head instead of going to that place where I think "I can't control this situation or the food I'm given so what the heck." The cookout for grandpa's birthday party had me eating a cheeseburger and then I wanted a hot dog. I made the hot dog without bread. I knew this. I've known this little trick for so long...but I never really consistently stuck with it.

I learned that my weekend fun last weekend did not have to be the end of my weight loss. Sure, I gained weight. But I had a blast! And I wouldn't trade that for 2 pounds or even 10! I needed to have that time with friends. And we rarely see them, so this not being an everyday thing helps me to know that it's okay to celebrate once in a while. I got back on the horse and I lost the extra pounds this week - plus a little more.

Weight loss goal for next week: 388.8
Tee-hee...I kinda like those 8s! (one of my lucky #s!) It's a weight loss of 2 pounds. It's under the 390's! (SOO close I can taste it!) and it's very close to the weight I was maintaining after I lost that initial 100 pounds. (I hovered around 375-380 for years before starting to let myself slip, let in foods I hadn't allowed myself before, and gaining some more weight back.)

Still working with a sore knee today, but I'm noticing that recovery time is much easier and quicker now that I'm working out. I turned to hubby yesterday at the hike and said "Remember when my knee used to go out? Do you remember what I'd do all day after that?" Hubby: "You'd be laid up on the couch or bed all day in pain." Me: "Yep. Look at me now." Hubby (I think he may have cracked a smile at me at this point): "You're hiking!"

Sure, we had to give up our hike early...and there was a lot of leaning on hubby on the tough parts (it had rained so it was slick where leaves had fallen and there was a bunch of mud - plus there were a lot of hills, rocks and tree roots sticking out and a lot of up down and narrow paths). Hubby was worried for me but we tried it anyways. After a little bit I turned to him and said, "I think I'm done here. I'm getting nervous." So we stopped. And we took a little detour down to the lake where the boys had a blast, where hubby and I even got in, where I couldn't stop myself from doing some water aerobics, and then we climbed the hill back up to the car and went home.

After everything that happened yesterday morning - yesterday was a very good day. I learned a lot about my ability to push through. And I'm so much stronger for that!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

-SHIMMER-ANN- 6/8/2010 10:32PM

    OMGOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait to see the 380s :):):)

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TEAM-SARAH 6/7/2010 12:37PM

    Wow you set a lot of goals! Very ambitious, I like it! Great job with the nearly 5 lb loss this week. That's amazing. And you've got even more ways to improve upon it next week!!

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THEWEIGHTSOVER 6/7/2010 7:51AM

    You are doing a great job working around your physical limitations. Very inspirational! Keep up the great work! emoticon

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RAVENSONG37 6/6/2010 10:03PM

    Holy Crap Holy Crap Holy Crap! GREAT JOB!!!!

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AKJADE 6/6/2010 3:12PM

    I think you are donig wonderfully! You are wonderfully and awesomely made, continue to make it happen. You are moving "downward" and that is GREAT! I'm proud of you!!

Jade

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PRETTYMANDI 6/6/2010 2:54PM

    Good job! We finished unloading the truck and my foot is so bad I can barely walk.

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ALASKASKY 6/6/2010 2:01PM

    emoticon

Hang in there. I'm going through something similar. I think it's time for me to change my exercises. I'm bored of walking and Wii Fit.

emoticon

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MAMMA_MIA1 6/6/2010 12:49PM

    emoticon

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MERALO 6/6/2010 12:39PM

    You can do this! You're head is in the right place, you have great goals...just keep going!
xxx

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Zumba = Major Fail - W6.D7

Saturday, June 05, 2010

So I went into today with the Last Chance Workout kinda vibe. This was it. Day before weigh-in. I actually went to bed early (well, earlier than most Friday nights) so I could get up early and go to my first Zumba class. And everything went well this morning. I woke up on time. I had a healthy breakfast full of carbs and protein. And I headed out the door early.

I walked in nervous. I paid my 3 bucks and signed the sign in sheet. Then I stood around and listened to the jingle of regulars come in (nobody told me about those jingle scarves they wrap around their waists...part cute, part annoying). I picked out a spot in the back with my water bottle and towel in reach behind me.

Four songs. That's how long I lasted. My knee started to hurt after song two so I started modifying. Then I tried to do something fancy -- turn around. Yep. I was turning around when I felt the familiar feeling of my knee going out. I was P.O.ed. I'm beyond the point now of fear and, instead, I jump to anger. This stupid knee holds me back from everything! So annoying. If you've never known the feeling of hating a part of your body for not cooperating...well, good for you! But at least once a month I'm reminded of what I can't or shouldn't do by my stupid knee.

Explanation - When I was about 16 I was jumping up and down in the parking lot of my school to keep warm. I came down wrong, my knee went out, I landed on the right side of my right foot. The next night my mother took me to the ER where we learned I had broken my foot, but my knee was just...well, it was just my knee. It's been going out since I was about 12. Anytime I sat with it bent for too long...squating was out of the question. After years of managing, the doctor proposed physical therapy. Apparently the muscle on the outside of my leg was stronger than the inside one. This caused that outside muscle to pull my kneecap to the left and pop my knee out. Months of physical therapy ended with no change...well, the only change was a stronger outside muscle. *sigh* Annoying.

So the docs recommended surgery to cut the ligament from my kneecap to the outside muscle. Months of recovery and PT followed. Seemed fine for a while...and then it started pulling the other way...and that hurt even more than before! So since 16 I've lived with increasingly annoying issues with my knee. Like I said, it goes out once a month or so. It can happen at anytime, no matter how careful I am to avoid it. Turning has been a big issue lately. I've even had it go out while I was asleep. I'm beyond the point of management and being careful.

So when I felt that pull today in Zumba, I tried to simply stand still on my right leg. I tried to jiggle and shake what I could, but everything hurt my knee. Finally I gave up and walked off the floor. I tried to go to the bathroom, but it was full of kids playing. Not sure of what to do, upset and hurt (emotionally/mentally), I grabbed my bag and walked out. And then I cried. Like, a LOT. I cried for what I had become. I cried for what I couldn't do. I cried out of embarrassment. I cried all the way home.

So, for today I failed at Zumba. But I'm not giving up on it entirely. In 20 minutes I had sweat pouring down my back. It felt great. I felt energized! It would have been wonderful without that moment. So Monday I will call my doctor and get a referral for an orthopedic consult. I will let them know that it is time for something, anything to be done! Even if it's simply another expensive knee brace until I can work this weight off.

THIS has been the reason I have failed with weight loss in the past. Not loss of motivation or addiction to food. I've worked beyond this, though there will always be issues with it now and again (not saying I don't have these issues, but saying, instead, that this is the least of my worries). But the biggest thing that has made me fail has been this knee. This time around? No excuses. I'll solve this problem and move on. I'll continue to walk. When the knee goes out I'll do crunches and my inStride cycle and my resistance bands. I'll do whatever it takes to keep burning calories. And I WILL find someone who will have a better excuse than "You're fat." Yep. Got that. But what can you do to make it so I can workout and NOT be fat? I will not be stuck in this cycle of "come to doctor with knee issues - doctor says to lose the weight - can't lose the weight because of the knee problem - knee pops out - go to doctor - doctor says lose the weight".

That's what I'm DONE with. I will be back at Zumba. I'll take it easy. I won't turn. I won't jump. I'm just shimmy and shake my bum for an hour. I don't care if I look like an idiot! Can't stop...I'm just too stubborn.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CALLIKIA 6/8/2010 8:06AM

    Unfortunately, I think I may already be addicted to the strength and flexibility I'm getting from my varied workouts. And I've been dreaming of Zumba since Saturday! *lol* There is another class tomorrow. The knee feels strong today. I think I may try again. This time I'm going to try to last 5 songs!

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RAVENSONG37 6/7/2010 11:48PM

    My lovely dear Esther, thanks for this...for trying zumba...for honestly sharing your struggles...for being committed to doing it differently this time. You are incredible. We have to cry through this...we have to have pain...we have to come upon those things that make us want to give up...and then we have to overcome them. We can...almost always we can do it...we just don't realize we can. And if we can't do it now, we will inevitably be given another chance to try to overcome that particular issue again. Here's the secret. Our weight is 10% genetic, 20% exercise and 70% nutrition. You can do some great work without ever pushing yourself physically...of course exercise helps us out, but if you are eating really well and getting all the vitamins, minerals, and nutritional needs from your food, you can lose weight!! Isn't that GREAT NEWS? I lost my first 50-75 pounds without doing any kind of real exercise. Keep doing what you can, and know that I'm behind you 150%!!!! emoticon emoticon

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JESSASAURUSFLEX 6/6/2010 8:33PM

    Not that my heel compared to your knee in any way, but I can understand how you feel. You have the WANT TO, but your body holds you back, and for that - I can totally identify. Tomorrow, I am going to start walking again.. Even though I bought my bike to help me get off my foot.... not that my foot is fine I just feel the urge to walk.. I found it sooo therapeutic.

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KILA1228 6/5/2010 8:34PM

    You tried and that's what mattered. As time passes and the weight comes off, your knee will feel so much better! Let the doctor guide you along the way and before you know it, you'll be shaking your butt off at Zumba!!!

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SIMPLYMARICRIS 6/5/2010 12:43PM

    Even though I don't know what it is like to have a bad knee (yet) I do have back problems that make it hard for me to stand and walk for a long time. Still - you made it 4 songs in Zumba -I've taken that class a few times in the past when I was in the 250s for weight - and it was hard to keep up with. That you did it, even with a wonky knee - incredible. I know I keep saying this, but you really have the right attitude. Take it to the doctor, and let them know what you've already accomplished, but that you want something done, something to help you acheive your goals. "Do what you can, with what you have, wherever you are, right now." Apparently Teddy Roosevelt said that.
If ya liked Zumba, you'll find a way to do it. Although I do recommend water aerobics, I never worry about my back doing it.
~M emoticon

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KIWIFISH 6/5/2010 11:33AM

  I have the exact same things with my knees (it's apparently hereditary.. joy) I haven't had mine go out of place for a whole though.. at least over a year. The first time I went to physi about it they gave me a set of exercises that hurt more than they helped. The second time I went to someone different they gave me exercises that actually helped some. I'm not certain of it, I don't trust my knees to act the way normal knees are supposed to, but they aren't getting hurt NEARLY as much. If you let me know what exercises you did for physio I can tell you if mine were different?

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RTB444 6/5/2010 11:17AM

    I can totally relate! I was in 2 bad car accidents within a 3 year period and my spine got really damaged in multiple places, I was supposed to have 2 spinal surgeries but opted out. PT was hurting more than helping and I quit. I began doing yoga and my back started feeling better than ever. Unfortunately though, every once in a while I'll do something at the gym and be sorry for it later. Deadlifts are one sure fire way to screw myself and end up crooked for days. Literally crooked, with one hip about 2 inches higher than the other. I know how frustrating it can be when you're really motivated and dedicated to fitness but your body won't let you do what your mind wants to do. You should definitely be proud of yourself for trying Zumba despite your knee problem and lasting as long as you did. If you need to cry, then cry you must - but don't put yourself down. You did your very best, and it wasn't you that quit the workout - it was your knee! Keep your chin up and don't be afraid to see multiple ortho specialists until you find somebody you really think is trying to help and not just looking for a payday for performing surgery. Take it easy, and stay strong! We can both win this battle, it just may take a little more time and patience. I wish you the best and I really hope you can find a specialist you like.
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CALLIKIA 6/5/2010 11:17AM

    Ironically, swimming used to be my go-to sport with the knee issues, until that was compromised in November. During my 6th lap or so in the pool, my knee went out. *sigh* Now even that is a tough exercise. Hello speed bumps!

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56_PICKLES 6/5/2010 10:48AM

    Good for you! You tried the class in the first place, you lasted for four songs, and yes, you cried and your knee hurt, but you haven't given up. Bravo! Don't take crap from your doctor, get the knee taken care of and get back to class!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

~Zoe, who is still too chicken to go to a class and when first heard "zumba" thought they were talking about the automatic little vacuum.

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KNOWMOREBBK 6/5/2010 10:48AM

    Like you, I have suffered from bad knees since I was in my teens. I had a skiing accident when I was 16 and needed to have arthroscopic surgery. My left knee has been an on-again, off-again problem ever since. I know exactly what you mean by having doctors tell you "The problem is your weight." Then I say, "But how can I lose the weight if I can't exercise because of the knee." The answer is to work around it. Swim, use the recumbent bike, elliptical trainer, anything that is low impact on your knee. I really want to start training for running a 5k by October, but I know that I have limits. I know I need to work into REALLY REALLY slow. If I don't work it in slowly, I will risk my exercise regime entirely. I haven't tried the Zumba thing yet, and it sounds like it could be fun. But maybe you need to work it in really slowly. Glad to see it won't keep you down and dry up those tears...You are a strong person and you wil get through this.Good luck! emoticon

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MERALO 6/5/2010 10:42AM

    This is brilliant! You've passed the self-pity phase and you're into the "screw it let's do it" phase. I believe you'll do this, and I believe you'll find a way to work with your limitations...you CAN get it right this time, and you WILL do Zumba again one day, you just need to get creative about how you'll get there.

Hope I'm making sense!

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CALLIKIA 6/5/2010 10:39AM

    I did like it, actually. Was a good workout. Fun...and the instructor has a little Jillian in her too! *lol* I was a little afraid of her, actually! But I have to work through this knee issue first...

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SPARKGIRL32 6/5/2010 10:27AM

    Aww I'm sorry about your knee...I hope you feel better soon!

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SEESKO 6/5/2010 10:26AM

    When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown

This is the second Zumba failure blog I have read this morning. Let me ask you something. Did you enjoy the four songs you did? If not maybe it is nto for you. Not all of us have to like the same things. Everyone I know is Zumba crazy, but not sure I would like it and you know what that is okay. I hope you find something you love and if you still decide to return to zumba...good luck.

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Don't Panic...Adjust! - W6.D6

Friday, June 04, 2010

emoticon
That's how I felt this morning after hopping on the scale and seeing another increase. Let me preface by saying that my weight fluctuates rediculously from day to day. I don't understand it. Like, at all. This is why I don't weigh myself every day. This is also why I hate numbers. They just don't seem to make any sense in my situation. I can be on track all day, every day, for 5 days in a row, but each day my weight could raise a pound or even two...and then on the fifth day I, somehow - magically?, lose 8 pounds. I mean, it just doesn't make sense calorie-wise. Did I mention that I hate numbers? HATE. There is a strong passion behind my abhorance for numbers. I was an English major. Numbers and I don't compute.

So this morning I'm up to 398. WTF, dude? Seriously? I cannot pinpoint a place where I did anything to cause this gain. Yesterday went much like this:

6am - wake up. (Okay, maybe it was closer to 7am.) Take shower, dress. Open greek yogurt, add homemade strawberry jam, add small amount of granola, grab spoon and run out the door. Eat yogurt while in car on the way to work. (I have a talent, people!)

8:30am - Arrive at work. Realize that I survived the day before without coffee (my work was out of creamer and I didn't feel like buying it again), so I make myself a cup of tea. YUM! I sparked much of the day. I took a few breaks. On my breaks I tried to pace or walk back and forth in front of the building while reading. Just moving a little. 'Tis a good thing.


10am or so - I join the Yoga Lovers group on Spark. I realize that I want to learn more Yoga moves. I track down a website and pull off two moves for weight loss. I put on some soft music, lock the door to my office, kick off my shoes and spend the next 12 minutes centering, breathing, stretching, Yoga-ing it up. Can't figure out what else to do, so I just stop there and call myself good...I'll work out again later.

1pm - I ask Judge what it's like outside (he runs miles and miles daily and we often share weather reports with one another...especially following the incident a few weeks ago when both of us got stuck in the downpour and were soaked through. He got sick... :( ) He tells me that it feels fine at first, but after you start sweating it's hard to recover. *sigh* I live an hour away. No shower anywhere near. I still have my second job to go to tonight. This is a showstopper. I'll work out later. I take my book, park under a shade tree and read for 20 minutes before returning to the office.

4:30pm - Off work. I head out the door. Hours to kill before my meeting at 7:30pm. I want to work out but it's still VERY hot and I can't afford a gym membership yet. *sigh* I hate this part. The waiting. I don't want to get all sweaty. Now, not only do I not have a shower handy, I don't even have a place to change. Sucks dude. I go to CATO, find nothing...a shirt that just doesn't look right. I leave and head to my meeting. No clue what to do. Sit in the car and read? Did I mention that I hate waiting? I call home and whine on the machine to nobody at the house. They've gone to grandma's. I wish I were there instead. I go to Dick's Sporting Goods and pick up a set of resistence bands. Get a little peeved over the fact that these sports stores assume the only people who work out are tiny people as I look around at the mini-shorts I see. *sigh* Maybe I'd like a nice shirt for running with that "moisture wick technology" you're touting. Ever consider that? Nope. Thought not. Drool over the fitness equipment and the kayaks. (*love*) Leave with bands, but unfulfilled.

5:30pm - Call AM (friend). She suggests a walk. I remind her it's too hot and I don't have a place to shower and change. She offers a glass of wine. I turn it down. Traffic is bad. Don't want to be stuck driving all over town and miss the meeting. She says she will meet me near my meeting and we'll grab some sushi. Okay. I guess. *sigh* I arrive in S. Charleston and look up at the mound. It's an old Indian Mound. There are stairs climbing to the top. It once looked enormous to me. Now, not so much. I always said I wanted to climb the stairs. I decide I have the time now. I climb the stairs. There aren't too many but it's a tiring workout anyhow. My blood pumping feels good. I sit at the top for a moment, take in a beautiful view over the little city there. I climb back down and walk around the mound once. Not too sweaty. Manageable. Good. About 10 minutes there...not sure, didn't check the watch.

6pm - Sushi dinner. Sushi is good for me. Edamame is good for me. Rice is alright in moderation. Miso soup - too salty. I have a bite or two and leave it alone. I drink water. I cut back on the amount of soy sauce I use. I still eat too much sushi (my body is not used to stuffing itself anymore...I guess I'll have to only order 1 or 2 rolls next time. Maybe just a Tekka Maki and a Kappa Maki. Lowest in calories. Best tasting.). I leave unconfortably full, but not completely P.O.ed at myself. Could've been MUCH, MUCH worse!

7-9:30 - Nice meeting. Interview a few people. Leave with notes and head over to paper. Discover a new guy at the paper - guess I didn't get that job. *sigh* Sit down, laugh a little with coworkers (journalists have the greatest sick sense of humor, I swear!) and write a LONG story. I've been restricted lately due to space issues, but I was told it was a slow news night so I just kept writing until I was done. I wait for it to be edited by a senior staffer and once he gives me a thumbs up (or was it the O-K sign?) I head for home.

10:30pm - Arrive home to waiting hubby's smiling face and kids sound asleep. Flip on old Gilmore Girls episodes and decide to whip out 10 minutes on the inStride cycle. Do 15 and decide to stop. Decide stopping is stupid because, while I'm tired and sore, I still have a little more in me. Do 18 minutes total to round of the 12 from yoga earlier. Stretch. Feel better. Hungry. Eat PB&J on a round. Still hungry. Eat another. Fulfilled. Drink a ton more water. Check Spark. Internet issues. Try tracking sushi but unsure of calorie counts. (No way, dude. This is hard!) Internet issues get worse. Give up. Close laptop and head to bed.

Where in that day do you see Esther losing it and gaining 3 pounds? Anyone? Buller? Buller? THIS is why I hate that blasted scale. He's evil. He lies. I hate him. I kick him on random occasions because he tries to stab me in the back on a regular occasion. My only thought is that - PERHAPS - there was too much salt and too much sitting which = water weight. OR that I didn't get ENOUGH calories, which I seriously doubt, dude. If sushi was that low in calories, everybody would be eating it! I have yet to hear of the Sushi Diet, so I'm assuming I've calculated wrong.

Armed with this 3 pound knowledge, I can do one of two things.

1 - Panic. Maybe even give up.
2 - Adjust.

Considering my computer desktop currently tells me each morning and afternoon to Never, Never, Never Give Up - I choose 2. I will adjust. I have already precalculated my calorie counts for the day (and am STILL under. *sigh*) and already know what I am preparing for dinner tonight. I know what my snacks will be (and tummy says it's time for one now...right on schedule!) and all I have yet to figure out is my workout for the day. It's going to be intense, I hope. I hope this drives me to pull out all the stops. I hate those 3 pounds...and the two pounds I gained last week. HATE. Passion. I want to banish them to hell, gosh darn-it. I don't want to ever see them again. I need the 380s, and I'm not going to get there by panicking and giving up.

Adjust. Move on. ....I hate those 5 pounds right now...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KIWIFISH 6/4/2010 3:52PM

  Everyone's seemed to cover the important stuff so far - so I'll just mention the sushi (I lurve sushi.. it's mah best friend lol) the ones you have tracked - 0.7 ounces each, that's about one piece of sushi. (depending on the size of the roll, one piece can be anywhere from 0.5 - 1 ounce) So if you had a whole roll of that type of sushi.. it would be 0.7 x however many pieces.

Just so that you know for next time ^-^ I always run into stuff that makes me go o.O and try to figure out how the heck to track it lol.

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KILA1228 6/4/2010 2:41PM

    My weight is the same. Up and down. Water weight gain in my nemesis. I couldn't see where you could of gained weight but as you said the weight does come back off. So that is a positive. Maybe the weight gain is muscle? Stay positive!

Comment edited on: 6/4/2010 2:42:35 PM

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CALLIKIA 6/4/2010 1:39PM

    Don't think it's potassium deficiency here! *lol* I pulled up a list of potassium rich foods and I eat a lot of the ones on this list. You may, however, have helped me figure out what's up with my 8 year old, who refuses to eat any of these foods (except parsley):

Bananas, Oranges, Apricots, Avocado, Strawberries, Potatoes, Tomatoes, Cucumber, Cabbage, Cauliflower, Chard (WTF is that? Sounds really gross!!), Bell pepper, Eggplant, Squash, Crimini mushrooms (you're a bad criminal...hehe), Brussels sprouts, Turmeric, Parsley, Spinach, Broccoli, Tuna, Halibut

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CALLIKIA 6/4/2010 1:31PM

    Just FYI - I don't think I put all my food in there. It's in my tracker, though if you want to check that out. I rarely hit my calorie goals, or my carbs for that matter. I try, but it's just so many stupid calories when you're eating healthy...and I refused to constantly feel STUFFED! I'm trying to get away from that and into healthy eating habits. (Being this overweight is REALLY hard!)

As for the scale - I refuse to buy one again until I can buy a more "normal" scale. One thing about being THIS fat is that you have to shop specialty stores - even when it comes to scales, which you'll end up resenting and hating because you had to dish out so much darn money just so that you could be disappointed, angry and upset. BLAH!

Thank you all for your support, encouragement and sympathy. Going much better today. I've started taking Yoga breaks when I feel like I've been sitting too long. I can do them in my little cube without anyone knowing! *lol* Today I did 30 minutes of core and leg training yoga! Oy Vay!!! (sp?) I'm sore already!!

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KITKA82 6/4/2010 1:29PM

    I pick one day to record my weight (and try not to weigh myself on any other day) each week, and watch for a downward trend. There are many factors that affect the fluctuation of your weight from day to day. Seeing the numbers go up and down each day would drive me bonkers! Adding to the suggestion of water weight, drinking lots of water plus eating more potassium will help to flush you out. Keep it up!!! emoticon

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BUTBYTHEGRACE 6/4/2010 1:19PM

    You don't sound like you ate enough yesterday! When our "furnace" is not stoked, there is no fire to burn; then our metabolism slows down (it's a survival mode)! And remember, muscle weighs more than fat! Just a little food for thought! I'm calling June my "turnaround" month, my "something's got to give month", because if we just keep emoticonon truckin', eventually that "mean ol' scale" is going to start winking back at us, right? I wrote a blog yesterday, you can check it out on my SparkPage; it's "My weight went up, but I'm not down", or something to that effect! Be encouraged! You are doing fine!

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AMBIEROB 6/4/2010 12:55PM

    It's definitely water. No one gains and loses fat that quickly. Especially if it goes back and forth. Drinking lots of water gets rid of extra water like that. Don't let it derail you. Get on track and you can do it!

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APATRICIAO521 6/4/2010 12:39PM

    Honestly, it sounds like you might need a new scale. Sometimes when a scale is dying or the batteries are just going it will flucuate a lot. Besides for that I cannot see anything that you may be doing that would be "wrong". It sounds like you are on the right track to succesS!! Keep up the awesome work. It is worth it in the long run.

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SPARKGIRL32 6/4/2010 12:28PM

    The scale sucks but there are so many things that contribute to how it works. When your fat cells shrink, temporarily water replaces the area. So when the water drops...so do the pounds. I'm no scientist, but I'm pretty sure that's why people will not lose all week and the all of a sudden drop 2-3 pounds :)

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TEAM-SARAH 6/4/2010 12:10PM

    The scale is such a jerk! haha. I love your blogs, btw. I was reading a few of them yesterday. You're a really good writer and I like the way you put your thoughts into words. I love Gilmore Girls too :) I have been going through all the seasons again gradually. I am sure your next weigh in will be better. So this weekend on Sunday I freaked when I weighed myself at 207 and then yesterday I weighed myself at 197 haha. so ya know... really really stupid. That's a HUGE fluctuation. Just proves to me that I gotta take the number with a grain of salt.

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OTTAWABOUND 6/4/2010 11:14AM

    My weight fluctuates a lot, too. I suspect it has something to do with my size, water retention, etc. For example, sushi has a lot of salt in it (the rice is cooked in salted water), so you might have been holding water. Plus I find I hold more fluid on hot days, maybe the body is worried about not having enough or something weird like that...

But you are making healthier food choices AND you are working out (and give yourself points for those stairs that you had never climbed because it looked hard).

Best of luck.

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PRETTYMANDI 6/4/2010 10:25AM

    I had a 1.5 pound gain this morning! I was ticked! I also cannot see what I could have done wrong except too much sodium! I guess if you are going to adjust, I will try as well.

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I May Be Fat, But... - W6. D5

Thursday, June 03, 2010

Do you remember that old joke? "I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight." Too many times a day I remind myself that I'm fat. Seriously. It's a running commentary in my head. I look in the mirror in the morning, sleepy-eyed, no makeup and think "You're still fat." Later in the day I put my makeup on and then look again, "Looks better...but still fat." Why do I insist upon reminding myself that I'm fat 24 hours a day? Am I afraid I'll forget and do something stupid like run naked through the halls of my work building or something? What is the point of this self-defeating, self-negating abuse? Honestly, I've had enough. So I've decided to come up with some witty (or maybe not so, and just honest) comebacks for myself.

I may be fat, but...

* ...I am flexible. I have always been flexible. At 300 pounds I could do the splits. At 466, that was no longer possible. (No, I can't do them now, nor would I try with this knee...that's just inviting disaster!) But just last night I did 45 minutes of my Yoga DVD. I didn't need modifications anymore. I am regaining my flexibility again. On a few moves I even tried the suggestions to make the pose harder!

* ...I am beautiful. Yep, I said it. While I harp on my stomach and its disgustingness on a regular basis, I never deny myself the fact that I was still born a beautiful little girl. Even at 466 I could mask my weight some by taking only pictures of my face. While some of you may classify this as "pretty face syndrome" I am reminded time and again when I ask my husband, "Would you rather have her?" and pick out some skinny chick in the crowd. He immediately responds, "Heck no! She's ugly!!" I told my husband that I was afraid I would be ugly when I was skinny and he laughed and told me I was rediculous. "Someone who can be as beautiful as you at this weight, or above this weight like you were, is going to be drop dead gorgeous when she's skinny. I'M not worried!"

* ...I am NOT lazy. There is that stigma attached to fat chicks that we're all lazy. That we sit around the house all day eating Twinkies and watching soap operas. In three short years I blew all of those expectations out of the water. I worked two jobs and went to school full-time. A couple of those years I did it without hubby, who was working at the time up in Ohio and was only home for 3 days each week. I had to rely upon myself. And now that I'm done with that and I know how busy I can be and survive, I find myself unable to be inactive. Monday was the first day I did absolutely NOTHING all day! Hubby even remarked last Friday, as I was trying to get him out of bed to go pick strawberries, "Man! We're ALWAYS going somewhere!" *lol* Sorry, hubs, that's our new life. Active. Fit. Strong. And Fulfilling!

* ...I am a good mother. My kids may have their faults, and they may annoy the heck out of me at times. But I'm a darn good mother, which either of them will tell you out of my earshot. (I've heard from others.) We have fun! We do cool things together. I let them get away with just enough, but not too much to make them spoiled. They have been taught to respect other people, to care for those smaller than them and elderly that need their help. They will walk up to a complete stranger in the grocery store to offer to help them get something off the bottom shelf (but only within my line of sight, because they know about "stranger danger"). I have great kids, and I have to be able to take some credit in raising them!

* ...I'm a great person. I'm a good listener. I give a lot of advice (most of it not taken, but that doesn't stop me from giving it when it is asked for). I take care of my friends and family. I try to make sure they know that I love them and that they are important to me. I would much rather give than receive because it fills my heart and makes others smile. I want to do good things in the world. I've never considered harming another being out of spite, anger, rage, or jealousy (at least not beyond a "I'd like to give that girl a swift kick in the pants!" comment). The only fight I was ever really in as a child was when a girl came up and punched me in the back. I ran home. But I'm not a sissy either. I will stand up for myself, I just believe more can be accomplished through words than fists. I am compassionate and believe that others deserve sympathy, even if they are in a bad place in their lives...something broke them, I always think.

* ...I *love* the outdoors and outdoor sports! While my knee holds me back from doing some of them (skiing, surfing), I absolutely love being outside in the woods. I love hiking...even if it might take me longer than anyone else to walk a mile, I'm out there hiking and exploring the world. I often think back to when the land was new, or when Native Americans lived at one with it. It brings me a sense of inner peace, even if a little twinged with guilt for what the white settlers did to them. I *love* to row a boat. When I used to work out at a gym, I would be the fat girl in a sea of skinny people and the only one rowing the rowing machine. I love how it works my whole body. I love the rush of "wind" as I push back on my butt. I would love to row on a team, but I'm fine with simply renting a row boat at the lake and having at it while my kids whine about how BORING it is! I love it! I love feeling like I'm out somewhere where few dare tread/row! I love swimming and biking, though I can do them yet. I can't wait until the day I can kayak! (More than anything, this is what drives me to lose weight!)

*...I'm good at several sports, and even when I'm not good, I'll try! I love volleyball. I suck at tennis, though I'd love to give it a go again. I think basketball rocks, though traveling down the court and going up in a "real" game would be out of the question. Football is a lot of fun to watch, though playing it would really scare the crap out of me!! *lol* Golf...hrm..wouldn't mind trying. Of course, things like boxing and fighting, I hate (see above), but karate and the martial arts are cool because they teach discipline and balance...I see them as more mental.

* ...I walked a 5K 1:15.39.
* ...I workout every day.
* ...I love yoga!
* ...I look for opportunities to move!
* ...I eat healthier than most of my "skinny" friends.
* ...I find new ways to cook healthy foods.
* ...I can cook a self-created recipe from scratch ("wing it") and it will be nutritious and delicious!

I guess I really have a lot that I actually *LIKE* about myself, if I really think about it. From now on, when that little voice tries to hit me with a "still fat" thought, I'm going to push a little "I may be fat, but" comeback down his throat! I've got to remind him just who is the boss now. I've got to let myself off the hook, really! I've been fat nearly my entire life. Some of that was my fault, some of it I can't remember, some could be contributed to a jerk of a father who was evil and rude to me for 16 years...but one thing is for sure...none of it happened overnight! (Though, I have found it easier/quicker to gain weight than it is to lose it! *lol* Nobody mentions that part, do they?) Each day that I let myself indulge in these wonderful things about me is a day when I'm respecting myself. And respect will lead to love. And love will make this easier.

Now you try it! "I may be fat, but..."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BUTBYTHEGRACE 6/4/2010 9:40AM

    I, too, look in my mirror, and I have that same, annoying, critical "voice" that says to me, "You're fat"! I loved your "affirmations" about yourself! I remember a little saying "I'm not fat, I'm fluffy!" I always smile when I think of that! So today when I look in my mirror, I'm going to think of you, and look that "critical BULLY squarely in the eye, and reply "FAT IS NOT in my vocabulary!" emoticon

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THEWEIGHTSOVER 6/4/2010 9:16AM

    Great blog! It really made me think about the things I like about myself as well. Thanks for sharing.

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SOON2BEFITSLP 6/4/2010 12:47AM

    I loved this blog post, it is definitely the type to print and paste up! If only I had a printer! Thanks for being so motivational! emoticon emoticon

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PRETTYMANDI 6/4/2010 12:27AM

    I may be fat, but I prefer to spell it with a PH.

I loved this blog! you really motivated me today!

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ERIN1128 6/3/2010 7:27PM

    Love love love this blog!!! You need to print it out and tape it to the fridge, wall, wherever you can see it every day, to remind youreself that you're gorgeous!

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ZENTHAE 6/3/2010 3:00PM

    I have to agree with your husband, YOU ARE GORGEOUS! And there is no doubt in my mind that any of that other stuff isn't true!

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BECKYB73 6/3/2010 3:00PM

    You're not fat, you're awesome. Also, I'm so freaking tired of the fat = lazy stereotype.

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LEXUSIASIS 6/3/2010 2:21PM

    You not only are beautiful on the outside, but you have to be beautiful on the inside too. The proof of that is the way your wonderful husband looks at you. Great job and thank you so much for sharing.
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_ROODIE_ 6/3/2010 2:19PM

  Oh, how I wish I could write as eloquently as you and a couple of my other SparkFriends do! This is an awesome blog and I love it!! I've got to get to work, but tomorrow I'm gonna come up with some of my own comebacks. =)

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I also love the comment Ravensong37 made - You are not your fat - gonna put that one up on my SparkPage!

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KNOWMOREBBK 6/3/2010 2:09PM

    You know something... When you have reached your goal weight (and you will reach it), you really need to take all of your blog posts and assemble them into a book. They are awesome, raw, revealing and so much more. emoticon

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MERALO 6/3/2010 1:53PM

    I may be fat but I'm successful at my job and respected in my industry!

Hah! I did it! Thank you sugar...this was a great blog!

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TEAM-SARAH 6/3/2010 1:30PM

    I loved this blog!! It's important not to let weight stop you from appreciating all of the wonderful aspects of yourself. The weight is just ONE thing. It's hard to ignore, sure, but you are now well armed against the fat talk!

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RAVENSONG37 6/3/2010 12:52PM

    I may be fat, but I'm hotter than your girlfriend!! Ha ha...I was in a t.v. commercial when I was 19 and weighed like 230 pounds...I have been asked to model plus size clothes and encouraged to get into the "industry" by more than one person. (Though none of that appeals to me, I have to feel pretty good about the idea that I'm pretty no matter what size I am!)

I may be fat, but my body is simply a vehicle for the beautiful, talented, creative, empathic, intelligent and loving spirit within me. Loving that part of me helps me take care of the shell which is my physical body and loving and caring for my body nourishes my soul, but my body aint me!

I love this blog. You are not your fat...and being fat is not a sin or a thing for which you need to feel shame. It's simply the state at which your body exists for now. It can change!

Comment edited on: 6/3/2010 12:53:53 PM

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GALSAL59 6/3/2010 12:38PM

    Thanks for the great thoughts. You've got it going on there girl!
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Vocabulary Lesson: Part II - W6.D4

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

You have to forgive me...I'm a student of English (or...was) and sometimes the best way for me to process things is to discover the language behind it.

I have decided that there are several words in the English language that are simply not appropriate for my life right now.
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Journey. As in "my weightloss journey" or "my Spark journey."

Journey (n)
1. a traveling from one place to another, usually taking a rather long time; trip
2. a distance, course, or area traveled or suitable for traveling
3. a period of travel
4. passage or progress from one stage to another

I know many of you are fond of this one, I was too...but I have decided that I can no longer consider this, or any portion of my life, a sort of path from beginning to end. My life will span beyond whatever choices I make today. I cannot worry about how long the road is or how far I must travel because, in all honesty, I have until the day I die to travel my journey.

Life is a funny thing. We take it in stages, in bursts. We are children. We are adults. There is the time we worked in retail or sales. There was the journey of being a telemarketer. There is the journey of parenthood and senior adulthood. But what does any of that matter in the grand scheme of things? As long as there is breath in my body, I will be on this journey. (And, depending on your belief system, perhaps long after as well.) To segment my life is to fail to make the connections needed for a full, happy, and healthy life. I must remember what I can of my childhood and understand how it connects to who I am today. And I must not dwell over the steps I take on this "journey" when I should, instead, focus on living each day in the beauty of what is around me. Birds, trees, sun, language, words, people, stories, colors, music, thought.

Kant said that we classify things because our simple minds cannot process the huge quantity of the sublime. We create borders around it in order to better understand. Well, I'm through with borders. I'm ready to just bask in the sublime and enjoy every moment that is given to me.
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Bad as in "I had a bad day" or "that is a bad food."

Bad (adj)
1.not good in any manner or degree.
2.having a wicked or evil character; morally reprehensible
3.of poor or inferior quality; defective; deficient
4.inadequate or below standard; not satisfactory for use

Cake has one degree or manner of being good. It tastes wonderful! And it is a great treat to celebrate with friends on very special occasions. There is a reason this treat is so darn popular, so for me to classify it as not having a single good trait is to lie, plain and simple.

And I do not have a wicked or evil character. it is not morally reprehensible for me to decide that I need 20 extra minutes on the couch tonight cuddling with hubby or giggling at the silly people on TV. Again, there are good things brought about by television as well, and plenty of good brought from cuddling!

When I reduce my days, myself, or certain foods to "deficient," I am failing to recognize what these things are good for. There are ways in which these days are important to our own health and well-being and there are certain foods that remind us how wonderful it is to live in such a world where someone woke up one morning and put eggs and sugar and flour in a bowl and baked the first cake, to the delight of all!
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Cannot as in "I just can't do it, I'm too tired!"

Cannot (v)
The negative form of CAN

Because this definition refers to another definition, I have found the definition of Can for you.
Can (v)
1.to be able to; have the ability, power, or skill to
2.to know how to
3.to have the power or means to
4.to have the right or qualifications to
5.may; have permission to
6.to have the possibility

I have the ability, power and skill to walk/run/hike. I was granted these abilities when I was born with legs and feet and my parents held me with my hands over my head and encouraged me to put one foot in front of the other. For those without hands and feet, their talents lie elsewhere. They may be better able to do functions with their arms because of increased strength distributed there. Be that as it may, we are all, in some way, give the ability to move. We know how. We have the power and the means to do these things.

And the best part? We don't have to ask permission to do these things! Remember, there were once persons who had to ask permission to do anything outside of the bounds of what they were hired/enslaved to do. Even as a child, we are forced to raise our hands and request permission to use the little boys' or girls' room. But no one, I repeat, NO ONE can take away my permission to lace up my sneakers and put one foot in front of the other. Not only is this a possibility, it is fact and truth. I have no right to claim negation rights over these things.
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Off as in "I'm having an off day" or "I fell off the wagon."

Off (adv)
1.so as to be no longer supported or attached
2.so as to be no longer covering or enclosing
3.away from a place: to run off
4.away from a path, course, etc.; aside
5.so as to be away or on one's way

Truth is, if you are a member of Spark, you will always be supported. The only decision to disconnect that attachment can come from you. And, like it or not, there are certain people that will think about you, consider you, and feel a connection to you long after you have gone. You can run off, but you cannot force us to sever the ties we have made with you in our hearts. No matter how long you are gone, you can return once again and we will be happy, relieved, perhaps even overjoyed, to see you once again. Because while you were gone (probably thinking of us and missing us too) we were thinking of you and supporting you anyway.

And, as with bad, there are reasons for "off" days as well. To claim that these days mean something other than "I needed rest" is to fail to see their greater pupose. Of course, we didn't take off that workout because we "cannot" do it...we simply chose not to. Because this isn't a "journey" with an end date, that one day is not likely to affect the course of our lives in a very significant way.

What will affect our lives, however, is an off month/year (etc) because we have had those already. I took so many years "off" that I now weigh 395 pounds. My body aches. My toes are sore. My knee joint burns. There are things I have caused myself to be unable to do because of the stress upon my joints created by "off" years. This time off DID affect my life, my journey. Because I decided to stay away and avoid myself, to fail to connect and support myself for so long, I have certain health conditions that can never be fully reversed, only repaired. I think I owe myself more support and attention than that! Off days are just fine, but off years affect my health and safety. I would not want that for someone else, therefore, I should not want that for myself!

So, as of now, I am going to be more conscious of how I use these words, and try to understand if I'm using them correctly or not (not being most likely). What are your banned words?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SOON2BEFITSLP 6/4/2010 12:51AM

    I am trying to avoid, "fail" as in "I fail at life today". I say these words a little too often.

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RAVENSONG37 6/2/2010 11:44PM

    Great. Really stimulating! I'm going to think more about this...but the first banned word that popped into my head is SHOULD...as in I should weigh ______________ or I should be able to run ________________ time or I shouldn't feel _________________ or say _______________. I refuse to should on myself and try real hard not to should on others!

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BASKETLADY6 6/2/2010 6:54PM

    This is an awesome blog! I just clicked the "I Like This Blog" button, and I think you've had some great points about our accountability.

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PRETTYMANDI 6/2/2010 10:26AM

    "Cannot" or "couldn't" are words I am trying to avoid. I tend to want to say "I couldn't eat healthy because we were at a friends" or "I couldn't work out because it was my husbands day off." Instead I am trying to be more honest with myself. "I chose not to eat healthy because I wanted the _____ at so-and-so's house." "I chose not to work out today because I didn't want my husband to see me doing the 30 Day Shred and hyperventilating!" hehehehe

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