Friday, July 19, 2013
As I've been working on getting through my book, I've been doing nothing in regards to eating/exercising. But at least I've done that intentionally. I've wanted to completely separate everything out. I wanted to really break myself down mentally without covering it all up with the food and exercise.
Look, I'm damn good at lying to myself. I've done it for years. I did it the last time I went through this journey. What I haven't done is called myself on my BS while still telling myself affirmations. I always thought affirmations were for hippy yoga chicks with 10% body fat and never a care or concern about weight because all they eat is berries, nuts and granola. Truth is, it's just not how I was raised. We didn't tell each other what we liked about each other, we were told what was wrong and what we needed to fix. Sure, we got a "good job" when we did something well, but we were always given criticism with the praise. And I can't say that I'm all that unhappy about that because it's made me the woman I am today - the woman who constantly strives to be better and do better and learn more. What's wrong with that again? Oh, yeah....the fact that I won't give myself credit for anything.
So I stopped worrying about changing my habits right now until I can feel the change happening. And I know that doesn't make any sense...but lying to myself lately to get myself to do things? It hasn't been working. Instead I've been reminding myself how it FEELS to live a healthy life, eat healthy, fresh, raw foods, and feel the blood pumping through my body. I've been reminding myself of all the positive things I got from this journey the last time around. And I've been needing that because all I've been able to focus on for the past year has been the negative. It was time to let that goat out the gate and let the happy little lambs roam around reminding me of the true beauty of the situation.
And then today I ate an apple for a snack and a salad for lunch. And it felt right. That's not to say I'm not about to devour a bag of chips and whatever else I can find (in fact, I'm pretty sure these 2 cookies staring me down will be gone before I get my first comment here), but I didn't have to force those things, which let me simply enjoy the beauty of the taste of them. It wasn't a punishment. I didn't force it and it felt more like a reward...more like what I want my life/day to feel like on a regular basis. It's a step in the right direction, however small that step might be. It's a reminder of what I am capable of and where I might be able to take myself. When I'm ready.
I know this all sounds ridiculous because I certainly SEEMED ready before. But I was only ready until it got too hard...and then I wasn't up for it. This time I'm trying to build a me that can handle the unexpected and still live an amazing, healthy, active life. Because, in all honesty, I realize now that as much as I want a tiny belly that I'll never have, I want to be active and fit and healthy and confident again so much more. I'm trying to find things that will make me feel that way NOW, at this weight, whatever this weight is (because I still haven't dared to look yet). I want to set goals that make sense and build a life that fulfills all of me. I guess this time I really am thinking more about the journey and not the destination. I'll only get to the destination when I'm dead, and I'm in no rush to get there, so I might as well sit back and formulate a life I can be proud of right here and now.
This may also sound a bit weird, but the passing of little Talia Castellano (@taliajoy18 on YouTube) has really struck a nerve with me as well. Days before her passing, her sister was talking to her fans about all the stuff Talia had put on her bucket list...all the things she still had left to do. The sentiment, as Talia seemed to be improving was, "You can't go yet, little one...you still have so much left to experience!" And then, like a light being shut off one last time, Talia was gone. Since her passing, I've seen an outpouring of fans show their support by trying to accomplish Talia's bucket list for her...and all I can think is -- my bucket list is for ME! I want to do all of those things! Otherwise it doesn't count. And just yesterday I was reminded that Talia's overall message was to love yourself as you are, not as you want to be. Her favorite phrase was, "Makeup is my wig." She prettied up what she was given and moved forward without excuses or complaint. I need some of that "forget the world and love yourself" mentality right now...
I'm not sure any of this is making sense right now. And one of two cookies is already gone (but I'm putting away the second for now! YIKES! Too rich!), but I wanted to freethink my way through today, because I feel like I'm getting to the place I need to be. I'm not looking to be healed or cured or better, I'm just looking to let myself enjoy the best of what life has to offer and to have a crapton of fun along the way. Things haven't been great. I've hated my body the past few days just as much as ever - moreso because of some back pain yesterday that had me laid up on the couch all day - but I'm trying to keep moving forward. I want to allow myself to love myself and be fun and flirty and sassy again, so that's my only goal right now.
Friday, July 12, 2013
So I'm currently reading Food: The Good Girl's Drug
What have I learned so far? Well, I've reinforced that I do, in fact, have an eating disorder. This darn book is written like the author knows me all too well. Of course, just as the book predicted last night, I'm waiting for the part that "heals" me so I can get skinny. Yep, that's disordered thinking, y'all. So far there have been no answers, just a lot of head nodding and, as of last night, a little sadness. I know I'm broken, but I want to be fixed...but I don't know that this book, or any book, is going to do that for me. Silly me, I always thought I'd just one day break the cycle. I've fought so hard in my life to break every cycle and statistic. I knew buying a house would be one big step in proving I had moved on from the expectations of a pregnant 18 year old whose life seemed completely out of control. But the more I read the more I think that I will never be "fixed" and will never NOT have an eating disorder. So maybe this book will help me learn how to live with my eating disorder...and maybe, just maybe, it will help me forgive myself and allow myself the freedom to love myself no matter how fat or skinny or out of control my life seems.
While I read this book, I'm a little afraid and a little put off dieting in the way that I know. I know it's a symptom of my eating disorder to be overly restrictive and overexercise. It's likely how I sustained my injury in the first place. So I'm trying to be patient with myself and work through this first. And when this book is done, I have another in my Amazon cart.
I guess the only good thing that is coming out of this is that I'm no longer content with simply losing weight. I want to heal. I want to love myself. I want to feel okay in my own body. I look at pictures from just a couple years ago when I was running and working out religiously and I think, "Man! I wish I was back there again!" and then I think, "But I was still SO fat!" I realize that I'll never be okay with myself, never be fully confident with myself at any weight until I learn to be confident and loving toward myself at EVERY weight. It's something I thought I had down last time I started this journey, but I guess I was just fooling myself. I was letting my eating disorder lead me and I'm just not ready to keep doing that for the rest of my life.
The truth is, I've learned this behavior from everyone around me. Part of it might be genetic. I honestly believe both my parents have suffered and may continue to suffer with binge eating disorder. I used to watch my mother sneak spoonfulls of frosting straight from the jar. I watched my father eat way more food than any normal person needed. My entire family celebrates and loathes food at the same time. We get together for Thanksgiving and either stuff ourselves full or restrict ourselves...and then we praise those who restrict themselves and sit and talk about how we're all fat and need to lose weight. As far back as my Grandmother, this has been our tradition...and I picked it up easily. My perfectionist nature made it even more dangerous a habit for me to learn. The constant dieting I was pushed into as a child probably didn't help. And I don't even have to guess how the fact that I have always been a constant disappointment to my real father plays a role in all of this.
So, I guess for now I'm understanding myself more and why I am the way I am. I understand a little better why I binge and restrict and overexercise. I understand the driving forces behind that...now it's time to learn how to cope and overcome those urges and become a HEALTHY person. Not skinny. Not "normal"...whatever that is. I need to learn to have a HEALTHY relationship with food.
I'll let you all know how that turns out! *lol* Maybe somewhere along the way I can help someone else feel like they aren't alone or a failure for not being able to lose weight like they "should".... But really I'm just hoping to help myself here. I need to show myself some love and attention for a bit and stop blaming myself for everything.
Tuesday, July 09, 2013
Isn't it funny how one morning we wake up all ready to take over the world and the next morning it's full on zombie mode?! I honestly would have loved to have taken a sick day today as my entire body feels a bit out of sorts this morning. Between this monster headache and the back and neck pain...it's going to be a rough day. But as much as I'd love to stay home in bed and rest up, my calendar today holds 2 meetings a home assessment with my coworker. I need to be here.
I've been "shopping" for health and fitness supplies online lately, which makes me feel right at home considering I can't really afford anything right now and "shopping" includes putting items in the online shopping cart and then closing the page and "walking away" as it were. I can't be the only one who does that?! Anyhow, for the first time in my entire life I actually have some room where I could put together a decent home gym. I already have one piece in the basement that my mother found at a yard sale, but I have no idea how to use it and I need my husband's help to put it back together again (had to be a bit dismantled in order to get it down the stairs).
It's been a bit difficult, though...knowing where to start. In my head I'm still the girl who was lifting and doing cardio 5-6 days a week and felt incredibly strong...but I know that's not where my body is right now, so I'm forced to take it slow...which I've never been good at. I keep thinking, "Maybe I solve the eating thing first, and then add the exercise." But I've learned from my time here on Spark that I'm more motivated to use food as fuel if I have something to fuel. Workouts lead to me striving for good health in all aspects of my life, so without it I'm going to be sunk. I guess I'll try again to get a walk in.
I was supposed to walk last night, but that didn't go quite as planned. My husband insisted upon stopping by the old place to clear out some things and get another carload of stuff to bring to the new house. What he didn't tell me until we got there is that the fleas in that house have gone massively insane...which is crazy considering they have no dogs or cats to bite anymore. Of course this means they are all the more ravenous when someone gets there that they CAN bite...which last night was me. I felt creepy crawly all damn night and even found a stray flea in my car this morning. Thankfully we got to where we can vacuum like mad and HOPEFULLY get rid of these darn things. It was a problem before we left and I kept telling everyone that the fleas had gone crazy, but this was beyond even what I remembered. Anyone have any magic flea killing ideas for us?
Working from home tomorrow since I have a 124-page document that I really need to study and the boys have appointments at the dentist. Just a little light reading for the waiting room, right? Thursday I have my fun monthly meeting with a bunch of other folks in similar fields. I actually look forward to those meetings every month because I learn so much and the people are great to talk to. Then Thursday, Friday and Saturday Ethan has football camp with Owen Schmitt! So excited for him! Maybe I can snap a pic for you guys.
Hope you're all having a great week! I still need to pick up my scale from the old house (actually forgot yesterday), but I really do not want to be over there until I have a plan of attack for the fleas. I do not want to bring them over to the new house with me, that's for sure! Here's hoping I get a nice quiet evening and maybe even get a walk in tonight. I'd love to take my camera along and take some pictures of town... we'll see. Now if I could just get rid of this headache... Otherwise I'm going straight home and straight to bed.
Monday, July 08, 2013
So the past 6 months of my life have been absolutely INSANE...in a good way. I have a new job that I love which is rewarding and makes me feel like I'm doing important things and contributing to society and helping people who really need my help. I have 3 amazing coworkers, and an extended "team" of people that are simply a joy to work with (well, most of them *lol*) - you know when you're boss asks you in the first month to help him pull a prank on your coworkers, you're off to a good start. Most importantly, I have finally accomplished a goal I have had since I was a little girl - to have my very own home. My husband and I moved in around late June and we've spent the past few weeks moving things in, painting, trying to get some decorating done, getting furniture delivered, etc. So now that I'm broke and my first mortgage payment is coming up, it's time for me to settle down on my home projects and get back to work on making myself a stellar and amazing force of nature.
I can honestly say that lot of my goals have changed, but at my heart I realize that I'm never going to stop wanting some things. And I can also honestly say that I'm in no place to say for certainty right now that I'm ready to get back on the "losing" bandwagon...hell, my scale is still at the old place, but I have plans to pick it up tonight. (We do still have some "moving" to do, as it were. Thankfully we're only 10 minutes from the old place and we don't need to move out of it completely until we're good and ready...if only I could get my FIL settled and on the same page as me on that.) So life is still a bit of a crazy mess and I'm trying to adjust, but I've been working on making strides in the right direction.
An update on me physically:
I'm likely up around 380 again. I'm hoping I lost some in the move and decorating and painting process, but we shall see. My plantar fascitiis is still alive and well, but I've spent the past couple weeks trying to tape the heck out of it and today I have both my foot and my calf taped and am feeling a heck of a lot better. (Of course, now I need more KT Tape... and, for the record, I'm having some issues keeping this stuff stuck at the ends, but I'm hoping it's just because my leg hairs need a good trim). My arm muscles grew a bit in the painting/sanding/moving process, but mostly on the right side. I'm slow and heavy again, and I can certainly feel the difference. That being said, I'm not put off from getting started again, so there is that.
- Set a weigh-in day. I used to always use Sundays, but I know that often can be stressful. Maybe I'll try HUMP day, gives me the notion that there's still time to make a change before the end of the week, as it were. Either way, I'm probably going to need my scale for that. *lol*
- Start evening walks with the dogs and the boys. This is going to get a bit difficult because football season is about to start again, but I think if Ethan and I play our cards right, we can WALK to football practice. :)
- Tape EVERY DAY. I've heard great things about this, but consistency is key, and we all know I have my problems with consistency.
- Start planning home-cooked meals at least 5 nights a week. Let's be honest, when you're moving and painting your kitchen you really have no other choice but to eat out pretty much every meal. But now that everything is back together, I've been having a great time discovering how much easier it is to cook in a kitchen that actually FUNCTIONS properly and has room to work. I'm still missing some of my pans and other tools from the kitchen, but those will come and I've been filling in the holes as needed. Last night I made a low-fat dessert for everyone with angel food cake, instant coconut cream pudding and lite cool whip. Next time it will have sugar free pudding...a little flub on my part at the store there. Was nice to feel like I was indulging without eating 1k calories in one sitting.
- Set a plan of action for working out. This morning I set my alarm for 10 minutes before I needed to be up...which means I only overslept by 20 minutes. *lol* I'm gradually working my way up to morning workout times. Again, it's going to take some time and some adjustments on my part.
That being said, I have a 5k scheduled for next Saturday, the 20th. I would love to see if I could drop down to the 2k distance, so I'll ask about that...otherwise I'll be huffing and puffing my way through the 3.1 miles, or as long as I last. Thankfully it should be a forgiving and understanding environment as it's for the Mountain State Center for Independent Living, which encourages and supports persons with disability attempting to live as independently as possible. It's very much related to the work I do, so as tempting as it is to bow out completely, I don't think my heart will let me. Plus, we all know I've never been a very good "quitter"... I have another 5k scheduled for the end of September, which I plan to be much more prepared for, and which I am doing with a group of like-minded friends who have seen me struggle through my injury and promise to stick by me along the way. It helps that they'll be bringing their kids so that should slow us down a bit. It also helps that it's a color run, so the emphasis will be on FUN, not FAST. :) Here's to hoping I make it through strong as ever.
How is everyone doing out there?! I hope I get some time soon to check in on all of you, but work has kept me PRETTY busy. As a salaried employee I don't GET overtime, but I sure do it! Thankfully I love the job and don't mind the extra time I spend on research, cold calls, and fielding calls for help or even complaints...well, I don't mind them too much. :)
Monday, March 18, 2013
...story of my life these days.
A few days on, even more off. I think I'm back up to 360 again. I'm honestly gaining weight faster than I knew was possible...and I wish I knew why because I am trying my damndest to watch what I eat as much as possible.
Fact is, I'm stressed. More than usual stressed. Everything is falling on my shoulders and it all got a little too heavy for a while. Still trying to get above it, but it's been hard.
Setting small goals right now. The PF is backing down slowly, but my leg muscles are cramping a lot. My back and hip are calling some of the shots and I'm living on a daily diet of Advil just to get through. And it's a mess here at work because it's just plain madness about 98% of the time. Today was my first down day in a LONG time and I've spent the time playing catch-up on my hobby-type things.
So, I'm trying to get back to eating right.
Trying to walk past the candy dish more times than not without touching anything.
Trying to stick to water wherever possible.
I'm going to see what walking 3-4 times a week does for me.
I read an article the other day about what type of tummy you have - mine is a stress tummy, I believe. Makes sense why it doesn't budge even when I'm fully 100% on my game. I'm always stressed. It said I should try long walks and yoga and other low-impact and low-stress workouts. Has it met me? I think we'll try that for right now, but I make no promises for the future. I started this because I wanted to be one of those crazy runs 5 miles a day and spends her weekends doing races kind of people...I do like hiking though...if it would just stop friggin' raining, then snowing, then raining, then snowing. *pulls out hair*
I'm ready for the weather to change.
I ready for a change of scenery.
We meet tomorrow with the mortgage lender. Should be interesting at least. *sigh* I'm so scared he's going to say we can't get a house still. I'm also worried about paying a mortgage payment every month so ... that's me...worry, worry, worry.
Stress stomach, anyone?
Get An Email Alert Each Time CALLIKIA Posts