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Liar, Liar

Friday, July 19, 2013

As I've been working on getting through my book, I've been doing nothing in regards to eating/exercising. But at least I've done that intentionally. I've wanted to completely separate everything out. I wanted to really break myself down mentally without covering it all up with the food and exercise.

Look, I'm damn good at lying to myself. I've done it for years. I did it the last time I went through this journey. What I haven't done is called myself on my BS while still telling myself affirmations. I always thought affirmations were for hippy yoga chicks with 10% body fat and never a care or concern about weight because all they eat is berries, nuts and granola. Truth is, it's just not how I was raised. We didn't tell each other what we liked about each other, we were told what was wrong and what we needed to fix. Sure, we got a "good job" when we did something well, but we were always given criticism with the praise. And I can't say that I'm all that unhappy about that because it's made me the woman I am today - the woman who constantly strives to be better and do better and learn more. What's wrong with that again? Oh, yeah....the fact that I won't give myself credit for anything.

So I stopped worrying about changing my habits right now until I can feel the change happening. And I know that doesn't make any sense...but lying to myself lately to get myself to do things? It hasn't been working. Instead I've been reminding myself how it FEELS to live a healthy life, eat healthy, fresh, raw foods, and feel the blood pumping through my body. I've been reminding myself of all the positive things I got from this journey the last time around. And I've been needing that because all I've been able to focus on for the past year has been the negative. It was time to let that goat out the gate and let the happy little lambs roam around reminding me of the true beauty of the situation.

And then today I ate an apple for a snack and a salad for lunch. And it felt right. That's not to say I'm not about to devour a bag of chips and whatever else I can find (in fact, I'm pretty sure these 2 cookies staring me down will be gone before I get my first comment here), but I didn't have to force those things, which let me simply enjoy the beauty of the taste of them. It wasn't a punishment. I didn't force it and it felt more like a reward...more like what I want my life/day to feel like on a regular basis. It's a step in the right direction, however small that step might be. It's a reminder of what I am capable of and where I might be able to take myself. When I'm ready.

I know this all sounds ridiculous because I certainly SEEMED ready before. But I was only ready until it got too hard...and then I wasn't up for it. This time I'm trying to build a me that can handle the unexpected and still live an amazing, healthy, active life. Because, in all honesty, I realize now that as much as I want a tiny belly that I'll never have, I want to be active and fit and healthy and confident again so much more. I'm trying to find things that will make me feel that way NOW, at this weight, whatever this weight is (because I still haven't dared to look yet). I want to set goals that make sense and build a life that fulfills all of me. I guess this time I really am thinking more about the journey and not the destination. I'll only get to the destination when I'm dead, and I'm in no rush to get there, so I might as well sit back and formulate a life I can be proud of right here and now.

This may also sound a bit weird, but the passing of little Talia Castellano (@taliajoy18 on YouTube) has really struck a nerve with me as well. Days before her passing, her sister was talking to her fans about all the stuff Talia had put on her bucket list...all the things she still had left to do. The sentiment, as Talia seemed to be improving was, "You can't go yet, little one...you still have so much left to experience!" And then, like a light being shut off one last time, Talia was gone. Since her passing, I've seen an outpouring of fans show their support by trying to accomplish Talia's bucket list for her...and all I can think is -- my bucket list is for ME! I want to do all of those things! Otherwise it doesn't count. And just yesterday I was reminded that Talia's overall message was to love yourself as you are, not as you want to be. Her favorite phrase was, "Makeup is my wig." She prettied up what she was given and moved forward without excuses or complaint. I need some of that "forget the world and love yourself" mentality right now...

I'm not sure any of this is making sense right now. And one of two cookies is already gone (but I'm putting away the second for now! YIKES! Too rich!), but I wanted to freethink my way through today, because I feel like I'm getting to the place I need to be. I'm not looking to be healed or cured or better, I'm just looking to let myself enjoy the best of what life has to offer and to have a crapton of fun along the way. Things haven't been great. I've hated my body the past few days just as much as ever - moreso because of some back pain yesterday that had me laid up on the couch all day - but I'm trying to keep moving forward. I want to allow myself to love myself and be fun and flirty and sassy again, so that's my only goal right now.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

4EVERADONEGIRL 7/23/2013 9:04PM

    I think it all makes a lot of sense!! Keep going, girl.

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ROMNEY3 7/22/2013 8:38AM

    As always you strike a cord with me. Yes learn to love yourself first and the rest will come, when you are ready for it. Not so easy sometimes, but we just keep trying.



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BAYBELIEVER 7/19/2013 5:36PM

    Awesome blog. I am in a similar place and trying to figure out how to love myself in this world, this culture. Really and truly. We can do this. I know you can and I know you are worth it!

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ELECTRALYTE 7/19/2013 2:03PM

    What an absolutely fabulous blog. Thank you so much for this. Gave me lots of food for thought.

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How Slow is Too Slow?

Friday, July 12, 2013


So I'm currently reading Food: The Good Girl's Drug
www.amazon.com/gp/product/0425239039
/ref=oh_details_o01_s00_i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1


What have I learned so far? Well, I've reinforced that I do, in fact, have an eating disorder. This darn book is written like the author knows me all too well. Of course, just as the book predicted last night, I'm waiting for the part that "heals" me so I can get skinny. Yep, that's disordered thinking, y'all. So far there have been no answers, just a lot of head nodding and, as of last night, a little sadness. I know I'm broken, but I want to be fixed...but I don't know that this book, or any book, is going to do that for me. Silly me, I always thought I'd just one day break the cycle. I've fought so hard in my life to break every cycle and statistic. I knew buying a house would be one big step in proving I had moved on from the expectations of a pregnant 18 year old whose life seemed completely out of control. But the more I read the more I think that I will never be "fixed" and will never NOT have an eating disorder. So maybe this book will help me learn how to live with my eating disorder...and maybe, just maybe, it will help me forgive myself and allow myself the freedom to love myself no matter how fat or skinny or out of control my life seems.

While I read this book, I'm a little afraid and a little put off dieting in the way that I know. I know it's a symptom of my eating disorder to be overly restrictive and overexercise. It's likely how I sustained my injury in the first place. So I'm trying to be patient with myself and work through this first. And when this book is done, I have another in my Amazon cart.

I guess the only good thing that is coming out of this is that I'm no longer content with simply losing weight. I want to heal. I want to love myself. I want to feel okay in my own body. I look at pictures from just a couple years ago when I was running and working out religiously and I think, "Man! I wish I was back there again!" and then I think, "But I was still SO fat!" I realize that I'll never be okay with myself, never be fully confident with myself at any weight until I learn to be confident and loving toward myself at EVERY weight. It's something I thought I had down last time I started this journey, but I guess I was just fooling myself. I was letting my eating disorder lead me and I'm just not ready to keep doing that for the rest of my life.

The truth is, I've learned this behavior from everyone around me. Part of it might be genetic. I honestly believe both my parents have suffered and may continue to suffer with binge eating disorder. I used to watch my mother sneak spoonfulls of frosting straight from the jar. I watched my father eat way more food than any normal person needed. My entire family celebrates and loathes food at the same time. We get together for Thanksgiving and either stuff ourselves full or restrict ourselves...and then we praise those who restrict themselves and sit and talk about how we're all fat and need to lose weight. As far back as my Grandmother, this has been our tradition...and I picked it up easily. My perfectionist nature made it even more dangerous a habit for me to learn. The constant dieting I was pushed into as a child probably didn't help. And I don't even have to guess how the fact that I have always been a constant disappointment to my real father plays a role in all of this.

So, I guess for now I'm understanding myself more and why I am the way I am. I understand a little better why I binge and restrict and overexercise. I understand the driving forces behind that...now it's time to learn how to cope and overcome those urges and become a HEALTHY person. Not skinny. Not "normal"...whatever that is. I need to learn to have a HEALTHY relationship with food.

I'll let you all know how that turns out! *lol* Maybe somewhere along the way I can help someone else feel like they aren't alone or a failure for not being able to lose weight like they "should".... But really I'm just hoping to help myself here. I need to show myself some love and attention for a bit and stop blaming myself for everything.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RUSSELLORAMA 7/18/2013 8:29PM

    I've always believed that my mental struggle is WAY more challenging than the physical one. Unpacking all of that stuff is painful but so enlightening.

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SUGIRL06 7/16/2013 3:08PM

    Glad to see you found a book that has spoken to you. I think sometimes we all just need that trigger (I've had a couple of books that have done that). You are right, you need to heal both mentally and physically in this journey! And love yourself! I'm glad you are finding the way that works for you :)
~Ang

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SPUNKYDUCKY 7/15/2013 11:51PM

    Sounds like a lot of brilliance to me...we move forward when we learn to love ourselves where we are and work on improving ourselves while we love ourselves.

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4EVERADONEGIRL 7/15/2013 10:27AM

    Sometimes the mental part of this journey is SO MUCH HARDER than the physical part...hence why we get caught up in exercise-exercise-exercise to feel powerful and then eat, eat, eat still. I do the same thing. So this epiphany is VERY IMPORTANT and I think you are right - this is the beginning of learning how to deal with it in a healthy way! You can do this, girl!!!

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WISHICOULDFLY 7/15/2013 6:34AM

    I am so glad to see you back! I was wondering about you. I'm gonna have to catch up. I've been out of commission myself, with a nasty cold (bronchitis?).

I am going to check out this book too. Congrats on the house -- I will be catching up on your blogs! emoticon back! -Connie

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_DASH_ 7/12/2013 10:59PM

    hey!! i'm back. i love this blog post because i can so relate to it and i'm definitely going to check out that book.
have you read women food and god by geneen roth?

i recommend "a hunger so wide and so deep" by becky w thompson. that book changed my life. it was incredibly illuminating and to me felt really empowering.

i'm so glad to see your regular blog posts - i am cruising the "neighborhood" to catch up on people.

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SARAWALKS 7/12/2013 6:35PM

    Understanding is the first step toward healing. Yay you! emoticon

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MANLEYSANDY 7/12/2013 12:26PM

    Esther, bravo, I just know you are strong enough to heal yourself! Stick with it every step of the way, use every resource you can and I know you will get the results you want!!

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ERIN1128 7/12/2013 12:13PM

    Great blog, thanks for sharing your journey with us!

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ROMNEY3 7/12/2013 11:08AM

    Oh Esther, nice to see you again. Congrats on the new house and job.



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IAMFAT4NOW 7/12/2013 10:59AM

    This is brilliant. I am looking at this entire journey as healing on several levels. My self image was destroyed, literally, over the last decade and I know that a huge part of the work I'm doing now isn't about the food. It's about the self worth to nurture and care for myself. I come from a food dysfunctional family as well. Your Thanksgiving story describes us perfectly. Not to mention my dh has issues as well. So while going through this self discovery can feel isolating, remember you're not alone. If you ever want to reach out, please do so. You're doing amazing things with your life right now just by stopping the cycle of self blame.

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NATNOEL 7/12/2013 9:19AM

    Great blog....loving yourself is the doorway to a happy life :)

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Like a Slug

Tuesday, July 09, 2013

Isn't it funny how one morning we wake up all ready to take over the world and the next morning it's full on zombie mode?! I honestly would have loved to have taken a sick day today as my entire body feels a bit out of sorts this morning. Between this monster headache and the back and neck pain...it's going to be a rough day. But as much as I'd love to stay home in bed and rest up, my calendar today holds 2 meetings a home assessment with my coworker. I need to be here.

I've been "shopping" for health and fitness supplies online lately, which makes me feel right at home considering I can't really afford anything right now and "shopping" includes putting items in the online shopping cart and then closing the page and "walking away" as it were. I can't be the only one who does that?! Anyhow, for the first time in my entire life I actually have some room where I could put together a decent home gym. I already have one piece in the basement that my mother found at a yard sale, but I have no idea how to use it and I need my husband's help to put it back together again (had to be a bit dismantled in order to get it down the stairs).

It's been a bit difficult, though...knowing where to start. In my head I'm still the girl who was lifting and doing cardio 5-6 days a week and felt incredibly strong...but I know that's not where my body is right now, so I'm forced to take it slow...which I've never been good at. I keep thinking, "Maybe I solve the eating thing first, and then add the exercise." But I've learned from my time here on Spark that I'm more motivated to use food as fuel if I have something to fuel. Workouts lead to me striving for good health in all aspects of my life, so without it I'm going to be sunk. I guess I'll try again to get a walk in.

I was supposed to walk last night, but that didn't go quite as planned. My husband insisted upon stopping by the old place to clear out some things and get another carload of stuff to bring to the new house. What he didn't tell me until we got there is that the fleas in that house have gone massively insane...which is crazy considering they have no dogs or cats to bite anymore. Of course this means they are all the more ravenous when someone gets there that they CAN bite...which last night was me. I felt creepy crawly all damn night and even found a stray flea in my car this morning. Thankfully we got to where we can vacuum like mad and HOPEFULLY get rid of these darn things. It was a problem before we left and I kept telling everyone that the fleas had gone crazy, but this was beyond even what I remembered. Anyone have any magic flea killing ideas for us?

Working from home tomorrow since I have a 124-page document that I really need to study and the boys have appointments at the dentist. Just a little light reading for the waiting room, right? Thursday I have my fun monthly meeting with a bunch of other folks in similar fields. I actually look forward to those meetings every month because I learn so much and the people are great to talk to. Then Thursday, Friday and Saturday Ethan has football camp with Owen Schmitt! So excited for him! Maybe I can snap a pic for you guys.

Hope you're all having a great week! I still need to pick up my scale from the old house (actually forgot yesterday), but I really do not want to be over there until I have a plan of attack for the fleas. I do not want to bring them over to the new house with me, that's for sure! Here's hoping I get a nice quiet evening and maybe even get a walk in tonight. I'd love to take my camera along and take some pictures of town... we'll see. Now if I could just get rid of this headache... Otherwise I'm going straight home and straight to bed.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RUSSELLORAMA 7/11/2013 11:51AM

    E!!!

So glad to see you, doll. Congrats on the house, new job, and starting your home gym. I definitely online shop. I have wishlists a MILE long. :)

As for the fleas, now that family and pets are out of there get one of those super-intense flea-bombs. I had to set one off in my apartment several years ago after babysitting a friend's pet who was infested with them. I had to stay out of my house for a couple of days but it was worth it.

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4EVERADONEGIRL 7/10/2013 3:18PM

    It is tough figuring out where to start after time off, so just go back to what you know and are awesome at - create a plan of attack! Start slow and gradually build it back up!

I have been coming back after that knee thing I went through at the beginning of this year and have put together a very gradual plan to rebuild by doing C25K again and adding in light strength training. I know I could probably do more, and sometimes it is SO hard to hold myself back, but I know in the long run that if I go slow it is better for me. :-)

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SUGIRL06 7/10/2013 12:32PM

    I have to say, I finally had to remind myself that I am not where I was 2 years ago. Hell, even a year ago. It was so hard to accept but I'm finally there. I'm just walking/running a 2.3 mile route 3 times per week to hopefully get back to running longer distances. It takes me 30 minutes to do the 2.3 miles which used to be my 5K time. Yep. But its where I'm at now and trying to push myself any harder than that would lead to either frustration or burn out. You'll figure it out too!

And fleas suck. So hard to get rid of!!!
~Ang

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ERIN1128 7/9/2013 12:15PM

    Hang in there! And woo hoo on the football camp!

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KT-NICHOLS-13 7/9/2013 12:00PM

    I online shop too ... my wish lists are long.

As for the fleas, stop by a local vet clinic or hardware store and buy something from them. Yup, it's all about the chemicals but it works.

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35ANGELS 7/9/2013 10:58AM

    emoticon

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ROCKLAND2010 7/9/2013 10:04AM

    Thank you for sharing. When I'm trying to accomplish what seems like a daunting task (like your home gym) I commit to mini goals each day towards the effort. Any progress is still progress. Have a great Tuesday!
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Getting Settled

Monday, July 08, 2013

So the past 6 months of my life have been absolutely INSANE...in a good way. I have a new job that I love which is rewarding and makes me feel like I'm doing important things and contributing to society and helping people who really need my help. I have 3 amazing coworkers, and an extended "team" of people that are simply a joy to work with (well, most of them *lol*) - you know when you're boss asks you in the first month to help him pull a prank on your coworkers, you're off to a good start. Most importantly, I have finally accomplished a goal I have had since I was a little girl - to have my very own home. My husband and I moved in around late June and we've spent the past few weeks moving things in, painting, trying to get some decorating done, getting furniture delivered, etc. So now that I'm broke and my first mortgage payment is coming up, it's time for me to settle down on my home projects and get back to work on making myself a stellar and amazing force of nature.

I can honestly say that lot of my goals have changed, but at my heart I realize that I'm never going to stop wanting some things. And I can also honestly say that I'm in no place to say for certainty right now that I'm ready to get back on the "losing" bandwagon...hell, my scale is still at the old place, but I have plans to pick it up tonight. (We do still have some "moving" to do, as it were. Thankfully we're only 10 minutes from the old place and we don't need to move out of it completely until we're good and ready...if only I could get my FIL settled and on the same page as me on that.) So life is still a bit of a crazy mess and I'm trying to adjust, but I've been working on making strides in the right direction.

An update on me physically:
I'm likely up around 380 again. I'm hoping I lost some in the move and decorating and painting process, but we shall see. My plantar fascitiis is still alive and well, but I've spent the past couple weeks trying to tape the heck out of it and today I have both my foot and my calf taped and am feeling a heck of a lot better. (Of course, now I need more KT Tape... and, for the record, I'm having some issues keeping this stuff stuck at the ends, but I'm hoping it's just because my leg hairs need a good trim). My arm muscles grew a bit in the painting/sanding/moving process, but mostly on the right side. I'm slow and heavy again, and I can certainly feel the difference. That being said, I'm not put off from getting started again, so there is that.

Current goals:
- Set a weigh-in day. I used to always use Sundays, but I know that often can be stressful. Maybe I'll try HUMP day, gives me the notion that there's still time to make a change before the end of the week, as it were. Either way, I'm probably going to need my scale for that. *lol*

- Start evening walks with the dogs and the boys. This is going to get a bit difficult because football season is about to start again, but I think if Ethan and I play our cards right, we can WALK to football practice. :)

- Tape EVERY DAY. I've heard great things about this, but consistency is key, and we all know I have my problems with consistency.

- Start planning home-cooked meals at least 5 nights a week. Let's be honest, when you're moving and painting your kitchen you really have no other choice but to eat out pretty much every meal. But now that everything is back together, I've been having a great time discovering how much easier it is to cook in a kitchen that actually FUNCTIONS properly and has room to work. I'm still missing some of my pans and other tools from the kitchen, but those will come and I've been filling in the holes as needed. Last night I made a low-fat dessert for everyone with angel food cake, instant coconut cream pudding and lite cool whip. Next time it will have sugar free pudding...a little flub on my part at the store there. Was nice to feel like I was indulging without eating 1k calories in one sitting.

- Set a plan of action for working out. This morning I set my alarm for 10 minutes before I needed to be up...which means I only overslept by 20 minutes. *lol* I'm gradually working my way up to morning workout times. Again, it's going to take some time and some adjustments on my part.

That being said, I have a 5k scheduled for next Saturday, the 20th. I would love to see if I could drop down to the 2k distance, so I'll ask about that...otherwise I'll be huffing and puffing my way through the 3.1 miles, or as long as I last. Thankfully it should be a forgiving and understanding environment as it's for the Mountain State Center for Independent Living, which encourages and supports persons with disability attempting to live as independently as possible. It's very much related to the work I do, so as tempting as it is to bow out completely, I don't think my heart will let me. Plus, we all know I've never been a very good "quitter"... I have another 5k scheduled for the end of September, which I plan to be much more prepared for, and which I am doing with a group of like-minded friends who have seen me struggle through my injury and promise to stick by me along the way. It helps that they'll be bringing their kids so that should slow us down a bit. It also helps that it's a color run, so the emphasis will be on FUN, not FAST. :) Here's to hoping I make it through strong as ever.

How is everyone doing out there?! I hope I get some time soon to check in on all of you, but work has kept me PRETTY busy. As a salaried employee I don't GET overtime, but I sure do it! Thankfully I love the job and don't mind the extra time I spend on research, cold calls, and fielding calls for help or even complaints...well, I don't mind them too much. :)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RISINGBLUESTAR 7/12/2013 6:15PM

    Congrats on the new job and all the good things going on in your life!
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CHICAT63 7/12/2013 1:53PM

    Hi there, sorry I missed this blog !! Congratulations on the new job, new home, all the best in settling in.

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4EVERADONEGIRL 7/10/2013 3:08PM

    so good to see a blog from you girlie! I of course see all these great things on Facebook, but man, Spark sure can use some motivators like you around here again!!!

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SUGIRL06 7/10/2013 12:29PM

    I'm just so happy things are looking up for you!! I know you were stressed about your house and your job and look at all the great things now!!! I think all this positiveness will eventually make it easier to get back on the healthy wagon again (I mean, it already is right??). Sometimes its life that gets in the way. You are doing great!
~Ang

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ATROTTIER 7/8/2013 6:47PM

    Yay!! So happy for the new job and house!! Such wonderful accomplishments! =)
I'm trying to get back on track...I've been bringing my healthy habits back slowly but they are incorporating nicely so far but still being patient with myself and giving into a treat every now and again...I feel for me that I can't be super strict or else I go mad! LOL! Congrats again!!!

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RACHNC26 7/8/2013 6:19PM

    Congrats on the new house! Good to see you back!

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MISSROCKABILLY 7/8/2013 5:03PM

    Congrats on your awesome new job and your new home! It's wonderful to see you back again and find out what's been going on with you.

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ERIN1128 7/8/2013 3:11PM

    Oh Esther, I'm so glad to see you back!!! Awesome news on the job. Sounds like things are going really well, I'm so happy for you.

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NATNOEL 7/8/2013 1:17PM

    So great to hear from you.
How exciting about your house and I am very happy to hear you love your job.
Sounds like a whole new chapter is starting in your life :)


Comment edited on: 7/8/2013 1:19:24 PM

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SARAWALKS 7/8/2013 12:51PM

    Hurrah, Esther, it's great to hear from you! Funny, I was just thinking of you last night and checking out the last blog you posted. I'm so happy for you about the new job and the new house. emoticon
and I know you are going to get back in your groove once things get sorted out a bit. Good to hear you've got plans for the 5Ks!
I'm retiring August 1st so am doing a lot of clearing out myself, though not moving, thank goodness.
Change is good! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX12 7/8/2013 12:48PM

    Congrats on your new home. emoticon

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BAYBELIEVER 7/8/2013 12:36PM

    Glad to see you back here and so glad you are realizing some other dreams!

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ARUNNINGKAT 7/8/2013 12:24PM

    Very excited to see something from you! I have wondered how you are doing, but have unfortunately failed to drop by your page and leave a message. Congrats on the new house! That is so exciting!! But also a LOT of work! Can't wait to hear more as you continue to settle in!

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MANDYBUC 7/8/2013 12:24PM

    I was attracted to your post because it sounds like we are in similar places right now, though not exactly, just that we both seem to have lots of exciting things happening right now? I have also just started a new job which I am really enjoying, looking at moving out of my parents home and into my own place (well, rented) in about September and just generally feeling like lots of good things are happening right now. I've also just spent some time re-evaluating my goals, hope yours work out for you.

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JEREMY723 7/8/2013 12:11PM

    So great to hear from you and congrats on the house! Sounds like you're keeping busy! Congrats on the new house as well. emoticon

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Still Struggling

Monday, March 18, 2013

...story of my life these days.

A few days on, even more off. I think I'm back up to 360 again. I'm honestly gaining weight faster than I knew was possible...and I wish I knew why because I am trying my damndest to watch what I eat as much as possible.

Fact is, I'm stressed. More than usual stressed. Everything is falling on my shoulders and it all got a little too heavy for a while. Still trying to get above it, but it's been hard.

Setting small goals right now. The PF is backing down slowly, but my leg muscles are cramping a lot. My back and hip are calling some of the shots and I'm living on a daily diet of Advil just to get through. And it's a mess here at work because it's just plain madness about 98% of the time. Today was my first down day in a LONG time and I've spent the time playing catch-up on my hobby-type things.

So, I'm trying to get back to eating right.
Trying to walk past the candy dish more times than not without touching anything.
Trying to stick to water wherever possible.
I'm going to see what walking 3-4 times a week does for me.

I read an article the other day about what type of tummy you have - mine is a stress tummy, I believe. Makes sense why it doesn't budge even when I'm fully 100% on my game. I'm always stressed. It said I should try long walks and yoga and other low-impact and low-stress workouts. Has it met me? I think we'll try that for right now, but I make no promises for the future. I started this because I wanted to be one of those crazy runs 5 miles a day and spends her weekends doing races kind of people...I do like hiking though...if it would just stop friggin' raining, then snowing, then raining, then snowing. *pulls out hair*

I'm ready for the weather to change.
I ready for a change of scenery.

We meet tomorrow with the mortgage lender. Should be interesting at least. *sigh* I'm so scared he's going to say we can't get a house still. I'm also worried about paying a mortgage payment every month so ... that's me...worry, worry, worry.

Stress stomach, anyone?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CNJT4JMJ 6/10/2013 1:46PM

  Hey Callikia,

Wondering how your doing... Been thinking of you lots. I am always so hesitant to say anything like this, to give ideas because sometimes we do just want to vent.
I hope you don't mind. I just wish that someone would have told me about this long ago. At least I could have understood that it really isn't my fault.

I don't know if this is the case or not but, I went to the doctor about a year ago to help me lose weight. I wanted to throw something out. Your weight gain might just be stress, but one thing the doctor talked to me about is allergies. We figured out that I am allergic/sensitive to something in milk products. When I stop eating them, I can lose lots of weight FAST!! like 4 pounds a week. Unfortunately, I love milk products...cheeeese, chocolate milk...

Maybe try deleting out certain foods...or is there any foods that you don't feel terrific after you eat them. It would work with the stress thing as we tend to have our "favorite" stress foods...even if there not bad for dieting standards they could be bad for you.

Anyway, you are in my thoughts and in my prayers.

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SPARKLISE 3/22/2013 11:23AM

    emoticon emoticon

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KARVY09 3/20/2013 11:31AM

    I hear you on the stress. We will get through this rough patch. Good luck with the mortgage!

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SEEHOLZ 3/19/2013 10:35AM

    I am feeling really stressed too and I definitely have a stress tummy-lol... and as for yoga- something had to go and unfortunately it was yoga :( but it's temporary- I believe in the power of yoga-LOL.
Actually- I believe in sleep, in moderation and in daily exercise too :-)

I think all we can do is take things day by day and work towards a long term or medium term goal of eliminating enough stress from our lives to get to that happy medium - it's hard to be patient. Right now, I got to keep all those thing on my place and accept that I am not balanced- but keep the eye on the prize!

So, do just what people suggested- baby steps, each day try anew!

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 3/19/2013 10:21AM

    I am by nature a very stressed person as well, and believe that is why I hold weight around my midsection. I think I read an article similar to the one you just read. If it's stress that is getting to you, you need to find an outlet for that stress. For me, that is getting it out in a weight room. Find what works for you... crafting, reading a book, taking a soak in a tub, yoga, taking a hike and enjoying nature.

I'm thinking of you girl, and hope that things in your world settle down.

As for the leg cramps, I would suggest suggest drinking more water and possibly bananas. At least that's what the coach at my gym always suggests.

HUGS

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MAGPIE17 3/19/2013 8:48AM

    I know you want to buy a house, but I wonder if you're putting too much on your plate right now, with the new job, dealing with PF, etc. You can't do everything at once, and trying to is only going to make the stress and discomfort worse. How is your sleep right now? Why not start small and aim to get enough sleep each night, and walk for 20 minutes each night. Ease back into it.

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SARAWALKS 3/18/2013 11:17PM

    Good to hear from you even if you're stressed out. Me too. I'm retiring in 4.5 months and running the search committee for my own position...stress, major stress. I've gained as well, but I shouldn't complain, it's relatively minor, but I hear what you are saying. It's really hard to be disciplined when you're stressed out. Cut yourself some slack, this too will pass...it will, it truly will. emoticon

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SPUNKYDUCKY 3/18/2013 11:03PM

    Ok...not sure if you are looking for ideas but here are mine anyway (cuz I love you)

If stress is the problem, dealing with stress (not weight) is the answer. Meditation and yoga 2-3x a week may make a lot of difference. Have you tried a fitbit? I like mine a lot and it keeps me accountable to daily activity levels (not just exercise) which fell off when I was gaining weight. I put 44 lbs back on before I turned it around so I know how you are feeling.

Thinking of you

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GORIANA 3/18/2013 8:19PM

    emoticon emoticon

good luck with the 'zen' workouts and congratulations on just keeping on...

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JEREMY723 3/18/2013 7:14PM

    No questions or opinions from me; just keeping you in my thoughts. emoticon

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TIME4MJ 3/18/2013 5:31PM

    I so get what you mean about stress. I fight it all the time. Sometimes successfully, sometimes not. Best suggestion? Whenever you feel like stress eating (like I do) or just feeling hyper-tense grab a piece of paper and a pen, or log into your spark blog and write out your blessings while taking deep cleansing breaths. Sometimes looking at the good things in your life, especially in black and white, helps to calm. Good luck, and I'll be pulling for you :)

Marilee / MJ

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AZULVIOLETA6 3/18/2013 4:07PM

    Have you tried swimming? It's easy on the joints, relaxing and you can control the intensity. Plus you can do it (indoors) no matter what the weather. That is where I started when I first starting working on my fitness.

Have you ever been evaluated by an endocrinologist? A couple of things that you mention make me wonder if you could have untreated metabolic issues.

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-POOKIE- 3/18/2013 3:59PM

    Whats up with your leg muscles? Do you know why you are getting lots of cramps?

Stress is just so hateful , its been dragging me down a lot lately as well, especially when its things outside of your control that is stressing you out.

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