CALLIKIA   23,828
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CALLIKIA's Recent Blog Entries

Getting Settled

Monday, July 08, 2013

So the past 6 months of my life have been absolutely INSANE...in a good way. I have a new job that I love which is rewarding and makes me feel like I'm doing important things and contributing to society and helping people who really need my help. I have 3 amazing coworkers, and an extended "team" of people that are simply a joy to work with (well, most of them *lol*) - you know when you're boss asks you in the first month to help him pull a prank on your coworkers, you're off to a good start. Most importantly, I have finally accomplished a goal I have had since I was a little girl - to have my very own home. My husband and I moved in around late June and we've spent the past few weeks moving things in, painting, trying to get some decorating done, getting furniture delivered, etc. So now that I'm broke and my first mortgage payment is coming up, it's time for me to settle down on my home projects and get back to work on making myself a stellar and amazing force of nature.

I can honestly say that lot of my goals have changed, but at my heart I realize that I'm never going to stop wanting some things. And I can also honestly say that I'm in no place to say for certainty right now that I'm ready to get back on the "losing" bandwagon...hell, my scale is still at the old place, but I have plans to pick it up tonight. (We do still have some "moving" to do, as it were. Thankfully we're only 10 minutes from the old place and we don't need to move out of it completely until we're good and ready...if only I could get my FIL settled and on the same page as me on that.) So life is still a bit of a crazy mess and I'm trying to adjust, but I've been working on making strides in the right direction.

An update on me physically:
I'm likely up around 380 again. I'm hoping I lost some in the move and decorating and painting process, but we shall see. My plantar fascitiis is still alive and well, but I've spent the past couple weeks trying to tape the heck out of it and today I have both my foot and my calf taped and am feeling a heck of a lot better. (Of course, now I need more KT Tape... and, for the record, I'm having some issues keeping this stuff stuck at the ends, but I'm hoping it's just because my leg hairs need a good trim). My arm muscles grew a bit in the painting/sanding/moving process, but mostly on the right side. I'm slow and heavy again, and I can certainly feel the difference. That being said, I'm not put off from getting started again, so there is that.

Current goals:
- Set a weigh-in day. I used to always use Sundays, but I know that often can be stressful. Maybe I'll try HUMP day, gives me the notion that there's still time to make a change before the end of the week, as it were. Either way, I'm probably going to need my scale for that. *lol*

- Start evening walks with the dogs and the boys. This is going to get a bit difficult because football season is about to start again, but I think if Ethan and I play our cards right, we can WALK to football practice. :)

- Tape EVERY DAY. I've heard great things about this, but consistency is key, and we all know I have my problems with consistency.

- Start planning home-cooked meals at least 5 nights a week. Let's be honest, when you're moving and painting your kitchen you really have no other choice but to eat out pretty much every meal. But now that everything is back together, I've been having a great time discovering how much easier it is to cook in a kitchen that actually FUNCTIONS properly and has room to work. I'm still missing some of my pans and other tools from the kitchen, but those will come and I've been filling in the holes as needed. Last night I made a low-fat dessert for everyone with angel food cake, instant coconut cream pudding and lite cool whip. Next time it will have sugar free pudding...a little flub on my part at the store there. Was nice to feel like I was indulging without eating 1k calories in one sitting.

- Set a plan of action for working out. This morning I set my alarm for 10 minutes before I needed to be up...which means I only overslept by 20 minutes. *lol* I'm gradually working my way up to morning workout times. Again, it's going to take some time and some adjustments on my part.

That being said, I have a 5k scheduled for next Saturday, the 20th. I would love to see if I could drop down to the 2k distance, so I'll ask about that...otherwise I'll be huffing and puffing my way through the 3.1 miles, or as long as I last. Thankfully it should be a forgiving and understanding environment as it's for the Mountain State Center for Independent Living, which encourages and supports persons with disability attempting to live as independently as possible. It's very much related to the work I do, so as tempting as it is to bow out completely, I don't think my heart will let me. Plus, we all know I've never been a very good "quitter"... I have another 5k scheduled for the end of September, which I plan to be much more prepared for, and which I am doing with a group of like-minded friends who have seen me struggle through my injury and promise to stick by me along the way. It helps that they'll be bringing their kids so that should slow us down a bit. It also helps that it's a color run, so the emphasis will be on FUN, not FAST. :) Here's to hoping I make it through strong as ever.

How is everyone doing out there?! I hope I get some time soon to check in on all of you, but work has kept me PRETTY busy. As a salaried employee I don't GET overtime, but I sure do it! Thankfully I love the job and don't mind the extra time I spend on research, cold calls, and fielding calls for help or even complaints...well, I don't mind them too much. :)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RISINGBLUESTAR 7/12/2013 6:15PM

    Congrats on the new job and all the good things going on in your life!
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CHICAT63 7/12/2013 1:53PM

    Hi there, sorry I missed this blog !! Congratulations on the new job, new home, all the best in settling in.

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4EVERADONEGIRL 7/10/2013 3:08PM

    so good to see a blog from you girlie! I of course see all these great things on Facebook, but man, Spark sure can use some motivators like you around here again!!!

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SUGIRL06 7/10/2013 12:29PM

    I'm just so happy things are looking up for you!! I know you were stressed about your house and your job and look at all the great things now!!! I think all this positiveness will eventually make it easier to get back on the healthy wagon again (I mean, it already is right??). Sometimes its life that gets in the way. You are doing great!
~Ang

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ATROTTIER 7/8/2013 6:47PM

    Yay!! So happy for the new job and house!! Such wonderful accomplishments! =)
I'm trying to get back on track...I've been bringing my healthy habits back slowly but they are incorporating nicely so far but still being patient with myself and giving into a treat every now and again...I feel for me that I can't be super strict or else I go mad! LOL! Congrats again!!!

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RACHNC26 7/8/2013 6:19PM

    Congrats on the new house! Good to see you back!

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MISSROCKABILLY 7/8/2013 5:03PM

    Congrats on your awesome new job and your new home! It's wonderful to see you back again and find out what's been going on with you.

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ERIN1128 7/8/2013 3:11PM

    Oh Esther, I'm so glad to see you back!!! Awesome news on the job. Sounds like things are going really well, I'm so happy for you.

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NATNOEL 7/8/2013 1:17PM

    So great to hear from you.
How exciting about your house and I am very happy to hear you love your job.
Sounds like a whole new chapter is starting in your life :)


Comment edited on: 7/8/2013 1:19:24 PM

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SARAWALKS 7/8/2013 12:51PM

    Hurrah, Esther, it's great to hear from you! Funny, I was just thinking of you last night and checking out the last blog you posted. I'm so happy for you about the new job and the new house. emoticon
and I know you are going to get back in your groove once things get sorted out a bit. Good to hear you've got plans for the 5Ks!
I'm retiring August 1st so am doing a lot of clearing out myself, though not moving, thank goodness.
Change is good! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX12 7/8/2013 12:48PM

    Congrats on your new home. emoticon

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BAYBELIEVER 7/8/2013 12:36PM

    Glad to see you back here and so glad you are realizing some other dreams!

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ARUNNINGKAT 7/8/2013 12:24PM

    Very excited to see something from you! I have wondered how you are doing, but have unfortunately failed to drop by your page and leave a message. Congrats on the new house! That is so exciting!! But also a LOT of work! Can't wait to hear more as you continue to settle in!

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MANDYBUC 7/8/2013 12:24PM

    I was attracted to your post because it sounds like we are in similar places right now, though not exactly, just that we both seem to have lots of exciting things happening right now? I have also just started a new job which I am really enjoying, looking at moving out of my parents home and into my own place (well, rented) in about September and just generally feeling like lots of good things are happening right now. I've also just spent some time re-evaluating my goals, hope yours work out for you.

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JEREMY723 7/8/2013 12:11PM

    So great to hear from you and congrats on the house! Sounds like you're keeping busy! Congrats on the new house as well. emoticon

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Still Struggling

Monday, March 18, 2013

...story of my life these days.

A few days on, even more off. I think I'm back up to 360 again. I'm honestly gaining weight faster than I knew was possible...and I wish I knew why because I am trying my damndest to watch what I eat as much as possible.

Fact is, I'm stressed. More than usual stressed. Everything is falling on my shoulders and it all got a little too heavy for a while. Still trying to get above it, but it's been hard.

Setting small goals right now. The PF is backing down slowly, but my leg muscles are cramping a lot. My back and hip are calling some of the shots and I'm living on a daily diet of Advil just to get through. And it's a mess here at work because it's just plain madness about 98% of the time. Today was my first down day in a LONG time and I've spent the time playing catch-up on my hobby-type things.

So, I'm trying to get back to eating right.
Trying to walk past the candy dish more times than not without touching anything.
Trying to stick to water wherever possible.
I'm going to see what walking 3-4 times a week does for me.

I read an article the other day about what type of tummy you have - mine is a stress tummy, I believe. Makes sense why it doesn't budge even when I'm fully 100% on my game. I'm always stressed. It said I should try long walks and yoga and other low-impact and low-stress workouts. Has it met me? I think we'll try that for right now, but I make no promises for the future. I started this because I wanted to be one of those crazy runs 5 miles a day and spends her weekends doing races kind of people...I do like hiking though...if it would just stop friggin' raining, then snowing, then raining, then snowing. *pulls out hair*

I'm ready for the weather to change.
I ready for a change of scenery.

We meet tomorrow with the mortgage lender. Should be interesting at least. *sigh* I'm so scared he's going to say we can't get a house still. I'm also worried about paying a mortgage payment every month so ... that's me...worry, worry, worry.

Stress stomach, anyone?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CNJT4JMJ 6/10/2013 1:46PM

  Hey Callikia,

Wondering how your doing... Been thinking of you lots. I am always so hesitant to say anything like this, to give ideas because sometimes we do just want to vent.
I hope you don't mind. I just wish that someone would have told me about this long ago. At least I could have understood that it really isn't my fault.

I don't know if this is the case or not but, I went to the doctor about a year ago to help me lose weight. I wanted to throw something out. Your weight gain might just be stress, but one thing the doctor talked to me about is allergies. We figured out that I am allergic/sensitive to something in milk products. When I stop eating them, I can lose lots of weight FAST!! like 4 pounds a week. Unfortunately, I love milk products...cheeeese, chocolate milk...

Maybe try deleting out certain foods...or is there any foods that you don't feel terrific after you eat them. It would work with the stress thing as we tend to have our "favorite" stress foods...even if there not bad for dieting standards they could be bad for you.

Anyway, you are in my thoughts and in my prayers.

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SPARKLISE 3/22/2013 11:23AM

    emoticon emoticon

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KARVY09 3/20/2013 11:31AM

    I hear you on the stress. We will get through this rough patch. Good luck with the mortgage!

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SEEHOLZ 3/19/2013 10:35AM

    I am feeling really stressed too and I definitely have a stress tummy-lol... and as for yoga- something had to go and unfortunately it was yoga :( but it's temporary- I believe in the power of yoga-LOL.
Actually- I believe in sleep, in moderation and in daily exercise too :-)

I think all we can do is take things day by day and work towards a long term or medium term goal of eliminating enough stress from our lives to get to that happy medium - it's hard to be patient. Right now, I got to keep all those thing on my place and accept that I am not balanced- but keep the eye on the prize!

So, do just what people suggested- baby steps, each day try anew!

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 3/19/2013 10:21AM

    I am by nature a very stressed person as well, and believe that is why I hold weight around my midsection. I think I read an article similar to the one you just read. If it's stress that is getting to you, you need to find an outlet for that stress. For me, that is getting it out in a weight room. Find what works for you... crafting, reading a book, taking a soak in a tub, yoga, taking a hike and enjoying nature.

I'm thinking of you girl, and hope that things in your world settle down.

As for the leg cramps, I would suggest suggest drinking more water and possibly bananas. At least that's what the coach at my gym always suggests.

HUGS

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MAGPIE17 3/19/2013 8:48AM

    I know you want to buy a house, but I wonder if you're putting too much on your plate right now, with the new job, dealing with PF, etc. You can't do everything at once, and trying to is only going to make the stress and discomfort worse. How is your sleep right now? Why not start small and aim to get enough sleep each night, and walk for 20 minutes each night. Ease back into it.

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SARAWALKS 3/18/2013 11:17PM

    Good to hear from you even if you're stressed out. Me too. I'm retiring in 4.5 months and running the search committee for my own position...stress, major stress. I've gained as well, but I shouldn't complain, it's relatively minor, but I hear what you are saying. It's really hard to be disciplined when you're stressed out. Cut yourself some slack, this too will pass...it will, it truly will. emoticon

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SPUNKYDUCKY 3/18/2013 11:03PM

    Ok...not sure if you are looking for ideas but here are mine anyway (cuz I love you)

If stress is the problem, dealing with stress (not weight) is the answer. Meditation and yoga 2-3x a week may make a lot of difference. Have you tried a fitbit? I like mine a lot and it keeps me accountable to daily activity levels (not just exercise) which fell off when I was gaining weight. I put 44 lbs back on before I turned it around so I know how you are feeling.

Thinking of you

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GORIANA 3/18/2013 8:19PM

    emoticon emoticon

good luck with the 'zen' workouts and congratulations on just keeping on...

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JEREMY723 3/18/2013 7:14PM

    No questions or opinions from me; just keeping you in my thoughts. emoticon

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TIME4MJ 3/18/2013 5:31PM

    I so get what you mean about stress. I fight it all the time. Sometimes successfully, sometimes not. Best suggestion? Whenever you feel like stress eating (like I do) or just feeling hyper-tense grab a piece of paper and a pen, or log into your spark blog and write out your blessings while taking deep cleansing breaths. Sometimes looking at the good things in your life, especially in black and white, helps to calm. Good luck, and I'll be pulling for you :)

Marilee / MJ

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AZULVIOLETA6 3/18/2013 4:07PM

    Have you tried swimming? It's easy on the joints, relaxing and you can control the intensity. Plus you can do it (indoors) no matter what the weather. That is where I started when I first starting working on my fitness.

Have you ever been evaluated by an endocrinologist? A couple of things that you mention make me wonder if you could have untreated metabolic issues.

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-POOKIE- 3/18/2013 3:59PM

    Whats up with your leg muscles? Do you know why you are getting lots of cramps?

Stress is just so hateful , its been dragging me down a lot lately as well, especially when its things outside of your control that is stressing you out.

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Give Me a Shovel and I'll Bury that Excuse...

Monday, February 25, 2013

On Saturday I bit the bullet and signed up at our local gym. After weighing all the pros and cons, I decided that while there will still be several obstacles, paying for membership at the gym closest to my house is probably my best bet. I also signed up my 13-year-old sign to go with me. Now that he's about to enter 8th grade, I don't see why he can't be more active in the gym - he's been going with me off and on for years, really. He said that he really wants to work on building some muscles and "getting rid of this gut"... (he doesn't have a gut...I think he's heard his Dad say that or something *lol*). I'm sure the newly discovered interest in girls has helped spur this on as well.

Later that day we ended up at the mall where he and I dodged into the local sports store and bought him a workout outfit (basketball shorts and a performance shirt) and a gym bag. (He ended up with one of those drawstring backpacks for now, because every single duffel at this stupid store was at least 8-10 feet off the ground. And there was NO ONE around to help get anything down. WTF?!)

The plan, starting tonight, is to drive straight home, change, drop off Hubs and pick up Logan and then off to the gym for a bit, then home where I'll cook dinner while he works on his homework next to me (I need to clear off our kitchen table so I can have him RIGHT THERE WITH ME.

As far as my foot - well, I can tell you that my boss gave me different advice for healing my PF. Everyone so far (and every website) tells me to stretch it out. My boss said when he suffered from PF he went to a podiatrist who said that's just the opposite of what you want to do. She told him that your foot is already stressed, hence the pain and irritation, and then you stretch and cause more stress...it's counterintuitive. He said that he noticed that the Mayo Clinic's website said that stretching helps something like 80% of sufferers. So for the past 3-4 days do you know what I've done for my foot? Not a damn thing. I'm not stretching it anymore. Hey...stretching it wasn't working...hasn't worked for 18 months, so will trying something like this hurt anything? Probably not. So far my foot feels a lot better. Go figure.

As far as my workouts. Logan and I will be following the LiveFit program. It's a 12-week program from Jamie Eason on the Bodybuilding.com website. I've done it before (well, most of it) and felt amazing when I was doing it. The reason I'm drawn to it is because it calls for no cardio for the first 4 weeks of the program - JUST lifting. I'm even considering drawing those first 4 weeks out to 8 weeks. After that I'll either try the bike or the elliptical to test out my foot.

Side note: I would LOVE to schedule some Tuesday or Thursdays working from home so I can try out the new Tai Chi class at the gym.

I'm not changing much about my eating yet. One stressor at a time here. I'm going to get my butt back in the gym and for the next 2 weeks just focus on slowly reforming my upper and lower body strength. The only thing I am going to focus on is making healthier options wherever I can, cooking at home as much as possible, and falling back on my healthier snacking alternatives - fruit, vegetables, rice cakes, and protein bars. Today's lunch - homemade chili, rice cakes and an orange.

All I'm honestly hoping for right now is to break out of this rut. I'm slightly encouraged by the improvements in my foot...could NOT stretching be the key for me? Seems wrong, but who knows - right?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BESSHAILE 3/9/2013 6:13AM

    Hope you've also tried some orthotics - my PF lasted about a year. Some days were worse than others. Also - I found those old sketchers shoes that they claimed would "tone your thighs" ... the ones with rocker type soles - were AMAZING for helping with pain. Looked like crap with clothes but man .. a day without pain? Like you - stretching my foot just made it hurt more. time and those rocker bottomed shoes were the only thing that worked.

Hope your foot feels better soon.

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4EVERADONEGIRL 3/8/2013 11:05AM

    Hey girlie! I've been off the grid for a while so I'm behind with not enough time to truly catch up...but way to go on signing up for your local gym! Sounds like you and your son will be able to motivate each other - AWESOME!

Keep up the good work!!

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SUGIRL06 2/26/2013 4:19PM

    I just LOVE this blog post. LOVE LOVE

1) I stopped stretching my Achilles and it feels better. Rob is anti-stretching so he would agree with your boss.

2) I love that Logan is heading to the gym with you!! I hope you guys can encourage each other to just go, even if you aren't working out together when you get there.

3) I love lifting and this it is under-rated by weight-losers so I LOVE this idea too. I was basically told by a figure competitor (woman) that I was too fat to lift and I should do cardio first. Guess what? My body looks better now, 4 weeks into Body Beast than it did while I was doing Insanity last year! (I expected this because in the past, my body responded better to lifting than cardio - its how my body works!).

4) Just lots of happy vibes here! Happy! Love!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

Ok, enough obnoxious happy thoughts. I'm sure you're annoyed with my positivity already ;)
~Ang

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ROMNEY3 2/26/2013 11:54AM

    Yes I remember how much you enjoyed her program. You keep going, it can't hurt right? Good Luck.


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ABEAUTIFULMESS1 2/26/2013 11:21AM

    Sounds like you're definitely off to a great start and it sounds like an awesome plan!!! I'm glad that even though it might be slow going at times, you're doing the best you can with what you have!! emoticon

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-POOKIE- 2/25/2013 4:56PM

    Hey thats really cool your son wants to come along as well, you are indeed being a good role model to him!

I often wondered that about my foot as well. I didn't tend to do a lot of stretching, I iced/heated, I used topical anti inflammatory and I did massage it, but that was more a pressure one, than a stretching one.

Here's hoping you have found something good!

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ARMONIA 2/25/2013 2:15PM

    I did Jamie Eason last year and it was awesome!!! I didn't finish the last phase because it just seemed so technical. The first 8 weeks are great though!! Good luck!

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KNOWMOREBBK 2/25/2013 1:23PM

    A step in the right direction.. Keep on steppin!

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BAYBELIEVER 2/25/2013 1:13PM

    Sounds good! And I am glad to hear you sounding so much more positive and in control again.

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ARUNNINGKAT 2/25/2013 12:40PM

    Sounds like you have a great plan of action. Hope you have found the secret for healing your foot!

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WAIT...No!!

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

I haven't done anything.
I'm a big, fat liar.

Seriously, none of my clothes fit anymore.

I've never been one of those "I can't get motivated" people, but for some reason I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I honestly, 100% feel trapped in this body and in my own life.
I'm bitter and angry and I cry pretty much every day.

What happens to the girl who gets everything she ever wanted from life? She ends of miserable because she made so many sacrifices to get there.

I have a great job. I work with great people.
And I wake up every day still hating my life because I know I have to be seen.
I hate how I look. But, more than that, I hate how I feel. Fat. Bloated. Gross.
I can't move because of my knees and my foot and my back all hurt.

So I've been asking myself why I haven't started myself back down the path I know will help.
Not work. Help.

First of all, I'm still angry and bitter.
I did everything I was supposed to do and I failed. And I cannot even begin to tell you how pissed off I still am. Do you know how hard it is to go workout and make yourself hurt SO much (even more now thanks to the foot/ankle) AND deprive yourself of what everyone around you is eating just so you can be LESS FAT. No, seriously. Imagine for a minute that someone told you, "I don't care what you do...starve yourself for the next five years...go ahead and try...you will NEVER lose this weight. You will NEVER be thin." Now go get the motivation to go do the right thing.

I know I'm not SUPPOSED to think that way. But anyone who says that can screw off. Because they didn't get to live through 2012 as me.

Nealy everyone I've started this journey with is done already.

So I've tried another route. Just ignoring that. Chancing that THIS time will be different (though I know it won't). If I just work hard enough this time, but take it REALLY slow (like not seeing a goal weight until I'm 60 years old and too damn old to live the life I've imagined) maybe it will work.

So I tell myself to go to the gym. Because I know that's how it works for me. I can't do food first and exercise later like most of you. Exercise is the answer to me. When I work out I feel better, when I feel better I want to workout, and when I'm feeling great I don't want to eat crap foods because I have more of a training my body mentality.

Problem is...I can't go to the gym. I am LITERALLY trapped.

My husband now goes to work with me every day. We carpool into the city because his car is crap and it literally creaks and makes noises like it's going to fall apart under you when you drive it. He drives MAYBE once a week...the rest of the time we're together. And he only works 1/2 a day...which means he drops me off, waits 2 hours, works 4, waits another 2 and then we go home. I can't ask him to wait any longer. I already feel pressured to leave work early even though that's not really my style. Oh, and did I mention that we have to rush home on Wednesdays because Logan has to be picked up from after school band practice?

All of this would be different if:

Hubs had a different job. He had a second interview last week and we have to wait 2-3 weeks to hear anything.

We lived in town. But we can't even start looking at houses because Hubs has no clue on the job and because I still have not yet gotten a paycheck from the new job.

It's all a game of hurry up and wait. And while I'm waiting I've gained 40 pounds in 3 weeks. And, no, I am not exaggerating.

*pulls hair out*

I do NOT like being this angry, nasty, bitter person. Trying to figure out how to fix this but there's nothing I can do but WAIT...I've never been all that great at WAITING. I've been WAITING for my foot to heal for over a year now. Fat lot of good that did. I don't do waiting. I do action. I do movement. I am a shark.

So how do I stop being who I am for the next 4 weeks to 4 months so:
- We can find out about the job
- We can move into a new house
- I can workout without the gym
- I can eat right without working out

No, seriously...I need some friggin' help here. HATE this. HATE IT.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROMNEY3 2/25/2013 11:43AM

    Oh wow, like NOTABOUTTHEFACE, don't know what to say. Hope things start working better for you soon. emoticon

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PAMAZON 2/21/2013 9:43AM

    Well, at least your writing successfully gets your frustration across to us. So that's a positive, you're a good blogger!

You've got numerous obstacles, you've been at this a long time, and you have a wealth of self-knowledge. Sometimes those of us with the longest paths are the most stubborn and unwilling to make certain changes because we're sure they will not work.

Do not let fears and stubborness close doors. Do not let your sense of self-worth keep you growing roots in the same place. Take care of your body, build a little muscle (safely), clean up the diet. If you can't stick with your good nutrition plan, don't blame the plan, look within.

Look at where you are now, look at where you were then, and feel proud. Don't let the ups and downs in the recent year belittle the successes you've had. Start your new streak like you started your first, but don't assume you have all the answers. Be humble, try new stuff, surround yourself with newbies and pretend that you're new at this yourself. Their enthusiasm can be infectious (if not annoying).

XOXO!


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KNOWMOREBBK 2/21/2013 9:09AM

    I've been fat since I was 10 years old. I'm 44 yrs old now... and still "fat." I know that I will NEVER be thin. I will never be a waif. I have junk in the trunk and I come from a long line of "big boned women." But I am beautiful. I am smart. I am generous. I am loved. I know that you can say all of those same words... and when you are going through hell...keep going.
You are in a tough spot and you need to get it out. You need to scream and kick and be just..well... pissed off at the world and at the crappy hand you have been dealt. It sucks... It's not fair....Who the hell could deal with it all and remain "positive."
Get it out...but keep going. You won't quit. It's not who you are.

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CHALLENGEME4 2/20/2013 4:36PM

    We all have a story and probably most sound lie your I know mine did I had all these things going against me and I was miserable!!!! I kept waiting for things to get better so that I could......
Things didn't get better I had to get up.....literally and do something for myself or later would come without me.
Perhaps when you get home yo take a walk, perhaps yo be honest with hubby to give yo 30mins at gym except wednesdays to workout, if he sits for 2hrs 30 more mins might not be so bad
your mental and physical health is much too important
perhaps he could get some of the runing around done to give you more free time.
If going to the gym makes you happy get to the gym or use DVDS to help get you started until things get better
I wish you lots of support believe me just 2 months ago I was you. I got up and out just did it because otherwise I don't think I would have made it mentally and physically I would have kept gaining weight!!!!

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ERIN1128 2/20/2013 4:24PM

    I'm so sorry that you're in such a tough spot right now. I hope, hope, hope that everything will come together soon!

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IRONBLOSSOM 2/20/2013 4:17PM

    I'm feeling your pain, honestly. I started last February, lost 20 pounds, plateaued, lost my job, gained 10, plateaued, now I'm too scared to step on the scale but I can see from my clothes that while I'm not all the way back to the beginning, I'm close. There seems to constantly be an "event" that keeps me from getting back into the swing of things, but I know that these are all choices, I'm just not making the right ones. And at the time I make them I. DON'T. CARE. Because exactly what you said "gonna be fat forever, what does it matter if I have this snack, that lunch instead of the healthy one, etc etc" But it doesn't end that way.

I'm with you, I need to exercise in order to feel good enough to exercise, eat right, etc...it's that first step out the door that is dragging me down lately.

I'm sure you've already thought of everything I could think of, and I don't 100% know your foot situation, but is there any way you can talk your husband into going to the gym with you before/after work when you drive together? Maybe even just 1-2 days per week right now. Heck, he can bring a book and sit in the lobby! Or "babe watch" (I do this with my fiancee, not recommended if you're the jealous type) on the cardio machines, etc etc etc... I know you feel like you're making him wait even LONGER, but if there's something he can do then it's not just waiting and wasted time. He could go to the library, a coffee shop, take a bus, something ANY thing so that you can get there just every so often. Remind him how exercise makes you so much happier and a better partner. I don't know, my fiancee says all the right things, but when it comes to follow-through, he has a hard time "don't go work out right NOW, come snuggle with me!" "Yeah, we should go for a walk, ohh, too bad, now it's too late and cold and dark, darn it!" So I don't have all the answers for that either.

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SUGIRL06 2/20/2013 3:01PM

    Boy we are both having quite the blogging day!
Let all those frustrations out girl. I know you aren't looking for advice. Like you said, you just have to wait right now. I feel the same way, just waiting for something to happen, for my body to change, for something positive. I keep going because it is who I am but it gets hard sometimes. I know you are a strong woman and will keep attacking life head on!
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~Ang

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MAMADWARF 2/20/2013 1:00PM

    I can only say that I'm not done yet either and we started around the same time. Something's gotta give. Don't punish yourself with food though. That game always ends bad! Cheering for you! I know you'll figure something out cause I dpknow how hard you've worked to lose what you have.

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CALLIKIA 2/20/2013 12:48PM

    I'd be happy if I never heard the words "chair exercise" ever again.

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GUITARWOMAN 2/20/2013 12:41PM

    Callikia, I have been following you for a long time...got worried when you disappeared for a while...and now am responding even though I am on an official Sparkpeople hiatus (I let my sparkfriends know first).

Okay, I will go with the organizing principles that you are telling the truth and that you know how to read a scale and other relevant numbers.

It seems to me that you are the recipient of one really weird metabolism in the game of genetic chance we play when we are born. You should be studied....for your own good and that of all of us who struggle every day with our weight. Contact the Mayo clinic....I mean it.....or any other high placed medical research institution you can find. Maybe they will take you on as a research subject. Gaining 40 pounds in three weeks? And living a basically regular work and family life? That should get someone's attention somewhere.... I have read that normally the human body can absorb maybe 7,000 calories a day tops. That is why those polar explorers eat sticks of butter for snacks and still lose weight---a phenomenal calorie expenditure. Perhaps you have an extraordinary absorption capacity.

But, don't listen to me. I'm a social scientist, not a nutritionist. Get someone to study you.

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SKIRNIR 2/20/2013 10:57AM

    I also really have no idea what to say. I can see your frustration. But the last thing you want to do is totally deprive yourself or workout so hard you hurt. Whatever you do, it has to be longterm and slow. Cutting a few calories here and there. Took me two years to loose 50 pounds. Yeah, that is slow and that can be frustrating, but how else can you keep it off if you don't get it off slowly? My main exercise is walking. Just get out and walk. If your body doesn't allow walking, then look up some chair exercises or what not. You have to start somewhere. But if after your workout, you are so sore the next day you can't do some minor activity, then I think you over did it. You have to start slowly and work up to it. And don't make too many big changes. Don't try and workout for an hour the first day, or try and cut your calories to some ridiculously low level, etc. I think you can do this, even in spite of all the difficulties. What can happen if you try?

Oh, I would also talk to your doctor about it, and maybe he/she might have some ideas on pain meds, or other ways to help with your endeavor. Also getting others involved in the process makes/means you are more serious about it.

Whatever you do, try and do this weightloss/get healthier thing safely, without extreme deprivation.


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-POOKIE- 2/20/2013 10:26AM

    Ah, I had a thought that you had tried something before.

Have you tried topical anti-inflammatory gels? I have ibuprofen gel, I'm sorry I don't know the US version, but its a pain killing, anti inflammatory drug that you can get in topical versions rather than pills.

I didn't get vast relief from them, but they did help somewhat, and they are freely available and not expensive here (can only assume its the same there, as your drug laws for OTC are freer than here)

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CALLIKIA 2/20/2013 10:21AM

    If I could cure this with positive self talk I would've done that the whole time. Positive self talk makes me want to smack myself.

Pookie - I had one of those injections once and it about killed me and didn't do anything to heal the pain. I've tried 2 different doctors and a PT and a chiropractor. I refuse to give any more money to someone else who cannot help me.

Trust me, I totally wish I could break out of this...and I probably will, but right now the whole "wait" thing is driving me bonkers because as I wait I gain weight. And even doing Whole30 only netted me a 10 pound loss...and there's no way I could eat that way ALL THE TIME. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

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NOTABOUTHEFACE 2/20/2013 10:12AM

    Don't know what to say other than... emoticon

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FLYINGB16 2/20/2013 10:11AM

    I don't know the details of your 2012 so I can't offer any insight. I'm sorry you are having so much frustration. I do know that you have to fix your head first and the body will follow. This was/is the hardest part for me. Negative thoughts create more negative thoughts create more negative thoughts etc... I'm sure you want to smack me right now but try "I think I can or I know I can do this". Positive self-talk may sound corney but it does work.

As far as the gym...whatever activity you are able to do with your injuries/health issues just go do it. Anything is better than nothing. Why can't your husband workout with you instead of waiting for you to finish?

Transition sucks and it sounds like you are experiencing a lot of BIG things all at one time. I have been there and I know it can make you crazy. Take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself.

emoticon

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-POOKIE- 2/20/2013 9:58AM

    Have you had any treatments on your foot?

I had steroid injections which really helped, they where, I'll be honest, horribly painful (needle in the side of your heel, to the depth of where the pain is in the centre) but again, honest here, the relief was within HOURS and it lasted months, then I had to get one foot "topped up" and since then, I have been relatively free from pain, unless I do something really OTT.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way, I really am. Is there anything you feel you could do at home to work out? low impact exercise videos... just so you can feel you are doing something?
Or lifting "weights" doesn't need to be actual weights, grab heavy junk in the garage and work out your upper body while seated with the heavy stuff?

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Putting a Plan in Place

Friday, February 15, 2013

I have decided I cannot wait until March 1st, so I'm going to start now. Well, Monday. But only because I'm going out of town this weekend and it would be beyond stupid to pile on something else with what I already have planned (and the driving...the driving is going to kill me. I used to LOVE driving...I've driven so many places in my life...but now it's just pain the whole way. I can manage with the cruise control pretty well, but it still hurts to be in that position for very long).

Week 1:
February 18th Weigh In
February 18-February 23
Eat a Paleo diet - Whole30 Approved when possible
No more than 2 lunches out
Start measuring food and recording it.
Yoga week 1
Day 1: yoga.about.com/od/beginningyoga/a/30
dayquickstartdayone.htm

Week 1: yoga.about.com/od/beginningyoga/a/30
dayquickstartweekone.htm


Week 2:
Feburary 24th Weigh In
Feburary 24-March 3
Eat a Paleo Diet - Whole 30 Approved when possible
EXCEPT February 28th and March 1st, which will be dinners out
No more than 1 lunch out
Measure and record all food, but don't stress if you can't record the dinners out
Yoga week 2: yoga.about.com/od/beginningyoga/a/30
dayquickstartmonthone.htm


Week 3:
March 3rd Weigh In
March 3-9
Eat a Paleo Diet - Whole 30 Approved when possible
No more than 2 lunches out
Measure and record all food
Yoga week 3: yoga.about.com/od/beginningyoga/a/30
dayquickstartmonthone.htm


Week 4:
March 10 Weigh In
March 10-16
Eat a Paleo Diet - Whole 30 Approved when possible
EXCEPT March 15-16 (out of town visiting a friend for her B-day)
No more than 1 lunch out
Measure and record all food until the 15th
Yoga week 4: yoga.about.com/od/beginningyoga/a/30
dayquickstartmonthone.htm


REGROUP
How is the foot?
Can we start walking? If so, put a walking plan into place.
Start slow and work your way up.
You can probably move on to more advanced Yoga for sure. Add in some advanced moves and try to perfect them each morning with your routine.
Add in afternoon or evening walks if your foot feels up to it. If not, add in some lifting or ST routine to your evening, even if it's squats by the stove as you cook.

KEEP GOING
On March 18, begin your Paleo/Whole30 Diet.
See if what you're eating throughout the day fits into suggested calorie counts. If not, adjust.
Don't let yourself eat out more than 2 times a week, and even then try to stay Paleo. You can have bread now and again on a lunch out, but not every day.
Dinners out for the rest of the March - at least one. A date night with Hubs on either March 22 or March 29. Go out. Enjoy. Don't stress over your diet. Give yourself the night off and just enjoy life.

Look, I've come to realize that I can't do this like the rest of you. I can't just set strict rules and diet because there is NO END IN SIGHT and I'm about to lose my ever-loving mind. What happens is my body stalls out and no matter how hard I push it won't budge, so I go off the rails and do what I've done in the past - I have no rules and eat whatever I want and go back to my binge and emotional eating disorder habits. Because that's what's safe. I know what to expect. I could eat on plan every day for 3 months and gain 10 pounds instead of losing. I never know what my body is going to do when I'm pushing it. But when I let it go, it does what it does best - gain, then maintain.

So how do I break this mentality and keep my sanity? Especially right now when everything is crazy and stressful? I have to let myself have my moments. If I stick to a "plan" about 80% of the time, it shouldn't hurt too awful bad when the other 20% rears its ugly head. I have to be able to visit my friends and celebrate holidays and go have a date with my husband at least once or twice a month. I have to formulate and build and expand upon those relationships, because they've had to live through me being so frustrated with my inability to lose weight and have had angry mom for way too long. If my child and I are out and he wants Frozen Yogurt because we never have it, I want him to not be afraid to ask. I also want the willpower to not let his eating habits affect my own. Just because he has yogurt doesn't mean I have to have some if I don't really want it. But it also means I CAN have some if I do.

I have no clue if this method will work. I'm used to 2-3 years of hard work followed by a year or so of just eating whatever I want, gaining back 30-50 pounds and then coming back for another couple years of hard fighting.

I have no illusions that I will ever be skinny. I gave up on that dream. And you can tell me to think positively, but wishing for something that can never happen just hurts me. I will never, and I do mean NEVER, match the vision in my head of how I see myself. But I can enjoy my life and not hate myself or my body if I just learn to accept who I am and what I really have to work with. Hopefully I can firm up. Maybe one day I'll be able to get some of this crap removed from me (which, honestly, might be the only way I'll rid myself of it). I'm not one of the lucky ones, but I can't be bitter and hate those of you who are. You decided to lose weight and didn't have a bump in the road the whole way and now you're happy and healthy and doing commercials? Good for you. My path is different.

I've had too many people along the way tell me I think the wrong way or I'm doing the wrong thing. I've had people here tell me I'm pushing too hard while others tell me to push harder. Which is it? What I've come to realize is that I'm tired living in everyone else's world and mind. I have to accept who I am - even if that's a little bit sarcastic and a whole lot of sass and not the most optimistic. Whatever. It's gotten me this far, right? I look around at what I've done with my life with who I am and not who everyone wanted me to be and the only thing I'm sad about is that I didn't accept myself sooner. My whole life I had everyone telling me I should hide things about myself, be a different person, act differently, think differently, BE different completely. I tried. I honestly 100% tried. I can't. And I'm tired of trying.

I'm the girl who IS sarcastic and probably too pessimistic.
I'm the girl everyone gets to say "I told you so!" when something good happens that I didn't expect, because I've fought so long for something that never happened and never happened and then BOOM! there it is.
I have sass and flare. I make a TON of mistakes. I curse when my children are around.
I don't attend church regularly because I believe that a lot of it is a farce and some of the meanest people I've met have done horrible things to me and the people I love and then claimed they were "good, Christian people". I will make my own ideas about religion and God and they will probably center more around treating other people with respect and dignity and basic human kindness.
I will be a staunch supporter of equal rights (SO glad I don't have to hide that one anymore) for EVERYONE. Because people are people and no stupid relgion in the world can make any rational argument as to why some people are better than others because of whatever characteristic about them is different.
What's more, I will argue with you if I feel you ARE being stupid about these topics. I'm not going to turn a blind eye anymore. (Like I said, thankfully my job change means I CAN be more open and honest about this.) I'm not doing it to hurt your feelings, but if you want to isolate an entire group of people or bring some sort of hate upon them - I have a responsiblity to say SOMETHING...even though I know you won't listen.
I'm going to allow myself to be bold while still trying to be kind. There is a fine line between "If you don't have anything nice to say..." and "The only way for evil to succeed is for good people to do nothing..." (and I'm not looking up either of those to make sure they're right).

I'm going to dare to be wrong.
I'm going to dare to have fun and look stupid doing it.
I'm going to beg for forgiveness and not ask for permission.

Why? Because it's MY DAMN LIFE.
I have to live it...not you.
And I'm not happy being someone that makes you happy to be around.
I will take other people's feelings into account, but I will not allow myself to be degraded and put down and smashed into the ground and made to feel insignificant just so YOU can feel okay/good about yourself. I have to stop sacrificing myself ALL THE DAMN TIME.

And as far as health and diet is concerned...I am going to stop apologizing for being human.
I'm going to stop feeling like I failed ALL OF YOU because I have this major injury. I'm going to allow myself the safe and easy recovery time I need. Even if that means I can't ever run again. I wanted to prove you all wrong...all you who thought I couldn't or shouldn't run. And, honestly, I did. I spent a whole month running a 5k EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND. I ran 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 miles straight. Did I get hurt? Yes. But not one doctor attributes my injury to my running, and neither do I. I attribute it to horrible bone structure, lack of stretching (that's my impatience coming out...), and inability to purchase appropriate equipment. I also attribute some of it to the people who wouldn't listen when I told them I needed help. It took a lot for me to stand in front of that guy and tell him I was a runner and needed new shoes. Instead of fitting me like they do everyone else, he got me in and out as fast as possible and I have no doubt he didn't believe me for a second. To him, I was a joke. And, yes, I lay some fault with him.

So there it is. My plan..and a rant. Because I needed to get it out of me. I'm ready to move on with my life, and part of that is accepting that I'm not one of those quick in-and-out dieters. I'm going to be at this my ENTIRE life and will probably never reach my goal without some sort of surgical intervention. Take it or leave it.

Oh, and one last thing. I'm the girl who changes her plans...so be prepared to see this one get morphed into something else. I'm still not sure if Paleo is really what I want for myself. I think I like clean eating better. I think if I can adapt Paleo and Jamie Eason's eating plan in the LiveFit program together I might be able to live with that and do it forever. Part whole eating, part Paleo, part vegetarian. I've never EVER been all of one thing in my life, why did I think I would be this time? I want to see cheese and bread and sweets in my future - so I have to learn to adapt those or accept those in moderation or something. We shall see what comes of it. I'll label it the Esther Diet and sell billions of book and have people eating out of my hands in no time!! ;)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CALLIKIA 2/20/2013 9:38AM

    At least you can say "again". Must be nice to know what that's like.

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SPARKLISE 2/18/2013 6:14PM

    emoticon That was a lot of pent up crap coming out! emoticon
I am now on the ELMM diet : Eat Less,Move More.
I am doing my own thing too, and I also had to accept that i'll never be skinny again without surgery ( I wrote a blog about this Friday).

Losing weight and keeping it off is the hardest thing in the word but I think you're on the right track!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ROMNEY3 2/18/2013 2:47PM

    Oh yea, just do what works for you and don't EVER be afraid to be who you are. And other peole can just go jump off a cliff if they don't like it! From one going to fat forever girl, YOU GO GIRL!



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KNOWMOREBBK 2/16/2013 10:25AM

    Strong girl...
emoticon

Comment edited on: 2/16/2013 10:26:06 AM

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MERRYMARY42 2/15/2013 9:04PM

    One day/step at a time, and you will do it


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GETFIT2LIVE 2/15/2013 1:28PM

    Do what works for you, that is the bottom line, and don't listen to those who would tell you any differently. And keep changing and tweaking and trying different things until you find what really does work best for you and what you can do for the rest of your life; that's the only way to maintain some measure of sanity and keep going.

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ARMONIA 2/15/2013 12:52PM

    Thanks for sharing that yoga program. I think I'll do it soon too.

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IRISHBEANERGAL 2/15/2013 12:33PM

   
*ditto* what Notaboutheface said...

Live your life to the fullest and the rest be d@mned!

~Irish

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GOGOSHIRE 2/15/2013 12:16PM

    I haven't been reading blogs lately, but your disclaimer drew me in. Glad it did. You sound strong. I am a big believer in the 80/20 rule - I live by it as well, and I hope you find it works as well for you, too! xo

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ERIN1128 2/15/2013 12:08PM

    I think the 80% plan is a good idea - realistic without being too overly focused. :-)

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CHICAT63 2/15/2013 11:57AM

    You GO Girl !!! It's your life, I am here to support in what you are doing not what others want you do to. You know you, more than anyone!!!! emoticon

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NOTABOUTHEFACE 2/15/2013 11:32AM

    Screw what other people think. Screw what your body is *supposed* to do when X+Y=Z on paper but not on you. Screw people who do crap in the name of God and act fartherest from what He would want. Do what works for your mind, body and heart. People here, there and everywhere don't have to like it because you're not living your life for them. So pfffffft!

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SARAHJ19 2/15/2013 11:13AM

    I seriously love reading your blogs. You are honest, open and real. . I can't wait to see your next blogs about your progress, victories, changes, good times and bad times! emoticon emoticon emoticon
~Sarah

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-POOKIE- 2/15/2013 10:17AM

    Well I read your blog, and actually I think I always do when I see them because frankly you have your head screwed on right, you are not afraid to be frank and honest... and not afraid of admitting you need to change or need to better your efforts.

I think your planning ahead is a good idea.

I hope you make it work.

And feh to anybody who doesn't like your non-sugar coated blogs. Sugar free zones suit me just fine.

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KWEEKWEK 2/15/2013 9:54AM

  emoticon

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CALLIKIA 2/15/2013 9:53AM

    I don't ever make anyone read my blogs, but I'm sorry if this one didn't suit your fancy...it was for me.

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GCHUNG 2/15/2013 9:48AM

    Wow - phew!!! Take small steps and build up habits they will stick. Be true to yourself. You can do this.

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