Tuesday, July 09, 2013
Isn't it funny how one morning we wake up all ready to take over the world and the next morning it's full on zombie mode?! I honestly would have loved to have taken a sick day today as my entire body feels a bit out of sorts this morning. Between this monster headache and the back and neck pain...it's going to be a rough day. But as much as I'd love to stay home in bed and rest up, my calendar today holds 2 meetings a home assessment with my coworker. I need to be here.
I've been "shopping" for health and fitness supplies online lately, which makes me feel right at home considering I can't really afford anything right now and "shopping" includes putting items in the online shopping cart and then closing the page and "walking away" as it were. I can't be the only one who does that?! Anyhow, for the first time in my entire life I actually have some room where I could put together a decent home gym. I already have one piece in the basement that my mother found at a yard sale, but I have no idea how to use it and I need my husband's help to put it back together again (had to be a bit dismantled in order to get it down the stairs).
It's been a bit difficult, though...knowing where to start. In my head I'm still the girl who was lifting and doing cardio 5-6 days a week and felt incredibly strong...but I know that's not where my body is right now, so I'm forced to take it slow...which I've never been good at. I keep thinking, "Maybe I solve the eating thing first, and then add the exercise." But I've learned from my time here on Spark that I'm more motivated to use food as fuel if I have something to fuel. Workouts lead to me striving for good health in all aspects of my life, so without it I'm going to be sunk. I guess I'll try again to get a walk in.
I was supposed to walk last night, but that didn't go quite as planned. My husband insisted upon stopping by the old place to clear out some things and get another carload of stuff to bring to the new house. What he didn't tell me until we got there is that the fleas in that house have gone massively insane...which is crazy considering they have no dogs or cats to bite anymore. Of course this means they are all the more ravenous when someone gets there that they CAN bite...which last night was me. I felt creepy crawly all damn night and even found a stray flea in my car this morning. Thankfully we got to where we can vacuum like mad and HOPEFULLY get rid of these darn things. It was a problem before we left and I kept telling everyone that the fleas had gone crazy, but this was beyond even what I remembered. Anyone have any magic flea killing ideas for us?
Working from home tomorrow since I have a 124-page document that I really need to study and the boys have appointments at the dentist. Just a little light reading for the waiting room, right? Thursday I have my fun monthly meeting with a bunch of other folks in similar fields. I actually look forward to those meetings every month because I learn so much and the people are great to talk to. Then Thursday, Friday and Saturday Ethan has football camp with Owen Schmitt! So excited for him! Maybe I can snap a pic for you guys.
Hope you're all having a great week! I still need to pick up my scale from the old house (actually forgot yesterday), but I really do not want to be over there until I have a plan of attack for the fleas. I do not want to bring them over to the new house with me, that's for sure! Here's hoping I get a nice quiet evening and maybe even get a walk in tonight. I'd love to take my camera along and take some pictures of town... we'll see. Now if I could just get rid of this headache... Otherwise I'm going straight home and straight to bed.
Monday, July 08, 2013
So the past 6 months of my life have been absolutely INSANE...in a good way. I have a new job that I love which is rewarding and makes me feel like I'm doing important things and contributing to society and helping people who really need my help. I have 3 amazing coworkers, and an extended "team" of people that are simply a joy to work with (well, most of them *lol*) - you know when you're boss asks you in the first month to help him pull a prank on your coworkers, you're off to a good start. Most importantly, I have finally accomplished a goal I have had since I was a little girl - to have my very own home. My husband and I moved in around late June and we've spent the past few weeks moving things in, painting, trying to get some decorating done, getting furniture delivered, etc. So now that I'm broke and my first mortgage payment is coming up, it's time for me to settle down on my home projects and get back to work on making myself a stellar and amazing force of nature.
I can honestly say that lot of my goals have changed, but at my heart I realize that I'm never going to stop wanting some things. And I can also honestly say that I'm in no place to say for certainty right now that I'm ready to get back on the "losing" bandwagon...hell, my scale is still at the old place, but I have plans to pick it up tonight. (We do still have some "moving" to do, as it were. Thankfully we're only 10 minutes from the old place and we don't need to move out of it completely until we're good and ready...if only I could get my FIL settled and on the same page as me on that.) So life is still a bit of a crazy mess and I'm trying to adjust, but I've been working on making strides in the right direction.
An update on me physically:
I'm likely up around 380 again. I'm hoping I lost some in the move and decorating and painting process, but we shall see. My plantar fascitiis is still alive and well, but I've spent the past couple weeks trying to tape the heck out of it and today I have both my foot and my calf taped and am feeling a heck of a lot better. (Of course, now I need more KT Tape... and, for the record, I'm having some issues keeping this stuff stuck at the ends, but I'm hoping it's just because my leg hairs need a good trim). My arm muscles grew a bit in the painting/sanding/moving process, but mostly on the right side. I'm slow and heavy again, and I can certainly feel the difference. That being said, I'm not put off from getting started again, so there is that.
- Set a weigh-in day. I used to always use Sundays, but I know that often can be stressful. Maybe I'll try HUMP day, gives me the notion that there's still time to make a change before the end of the week, as it were. Either way, I'm probably going to need my scale for that. *lol*
- Start evening walks with the dogs and the boys. This is going to get a bit difficult because football season is about to start again, but I think if Ethan and I play our cards right, we can WALK to football practice. :)
- Tape EVERY DAY. I've heard great things about this, but consistency is key, and we all know I have my problems with consistency.
- Start planning home-cooked meals at least 5 nights a week. Let's be honest, when you're moving and painting your kitchen you really have no other choice but to eat out pretty much every meal. But now that everything is back together, I've been having a great time discovering how much easier it is to cook in a kitchen that actually FUNCTIONS properly and has room to work. I'm still missing some of my pans and other tools from the kitchen, but those will come and I've been filling in the holes as needed. Last night I made a low-fat dessert for everyone with angel food cake, instant coconut cream pudding and lite cool whip. Next time it will have sugar free pudding...a little flub on my part at the store there. Was nice to feel like I was indulging without eating 1k calories in one sitting.
- Set a plan of action for working out. This morning I set my alarm for 10 minutes before I needed to be up...which means I only overslept by 20 minutes. *lol* I'm gradually working my way up to morning workout times. Again, it's going to take some time and some adjustments on my part.
That being said, I have a 5k scheduled for next Saturday, the 20th. I would love to see if I could drop down to the 2k distance, so I'll ask about that...otherwise I'll be huffing and puffing my way through the 3.1 miles, or as long as I last. Thankfully it should be a forgiving and understanding environment as it's for the Mountain State Center for Independent Living, which encourages and supports persons with disability attempting to live as independently as possible. It's very much related to the work I do, so as tempting as it is to bow out completely, I don't think my heart will let me. Plus, we all know I've never been a very good "quitter"... I have another 5k scheduled for the end of September, which I plan to be much more prepared for, and which I am doing with a group of like-minded friends who have seen me struggle through my injury and promise to stick by me along the way. It helps that they'll be bringing their kids so that should slow us down a bit. It also helps that it's a color run, so the emphasis will be on FUN, not FAST. :) Here's to hoping I make it through strong as ever.
How is everyone doing out there?! I hope I get some time soon to check in on all of you, but work has kept me PRETTY busy. As a salaried employee I don't GET overtime, but I sure do it! Thankfully I love the job and don't mind the extra time I spend on research, cold calls, and fielding calls for help or even complaints...well, I don't mind them too much. :)
Monday, March 18, 2013
...story of my life these days.
A few days on, even more off. I think I'm back up to 360 again. I'm honestly gaining weight faster than I knew was possible...and I wish I knew why because I am trying my damndest to watch what I eat as much as possible.
Fact is, I'm stressed. More than usual stressed. Everything is falling on my shoulders and it all got a little too heavy for a while. Still trying to get above it, but it's been hard.
Setting small goals right now. The PF is backing down slowly, but my leg muscles are cramping a lot. My back and hip are calling some of the shots and I'm living on a daily diet of Advil just to get through. And it's a mess here at work because it's just plain madness about 98% of the time. Today was my first down day in a LONG time and I've spent the time playing catch-up on my hobby-type things.
So, I'm trying to get back to eating right.
Trying to walk past the candy dish more times than not without touching anything.
Trying to stick to water wherever possible.
I'm going to see what walking 3-4 times a week does for me.
I read an article the other day about what type of tummy you have - mine is a stress tummy, I believe. Makes sense why it doesn't budge even when I'm fully 100% on my game. I'm always stressed. It said I should try long walks and yoga and other low-impact and low-stress workouts. Has it met me? I think we'll try that for right now, but I make no promises for the future. I started this because I wanted to be one of those crazy runs 5 miles a day and spends her weekends doing races kind of people...I do like hiking though...if it would just stop friggin' raining, then snowing, then raining, then snowing. *pulls out hair*
I'm ready for the weather to change.
I ready for a change of scenery.
We meet tomorrow with the mortgage lender. Should be interesting at least. *sigh* I'm so scared he's going to say we can't get a house still. I'm also worried about paying a mortgage payment every month so ... that's me...worry, worry, worry.
Stress stomach, anyone?
Monday, February 25, 2013
On Saturday I bit the bullet and signed up at our local gym. After weighing all the pros and cons, I decided that while there will still be several obstacles, paying for membership at the gym closest to my house is probably my best bet. I also signed up my 13-year-old sign to go with me. Now that he's about to enter 8th grade, I don't see why he can't be more active in the gym - he's been going with me off and on for years, really. He said that he really wants to work on building some muscles and "getting rid of this gut"... (he doesn't have a gut...I think he's heard his Dad say that or something *lol*). I'm sure the newly discovered interest in girls has helped spur this on as well.
Later that day we ended up at the mall where he and I dodged into the local sports store and bought him a workout outfit (basketball shorts and a performance shirt) and a gym bag. (He ended up with one of those drawstring backpacks for now, because every single duffel at this stupid store was at least 8-10 feet off the ground. And there was NO ONE around to help get anything down. WTF?!)
The plan, starting tonight, is to drive straight home, change, drop off Hubs and pick up Logan and then off to the gym for a bit, then home where I'll cook dinner while he works on his homework next to me (I need to clear off our kitchen table so I can have him RIGHT THERE WITH ME.
As far as my foot - well, I can tell you that my boss gave me different advice for healing my PF. Everyone so far (and every website) tells me to stretch it out. My boss said when he suffered from PF he went to a podiatrist who said that's just the opposite of what you want to do. She told him that your foot is already stressed, hence the pain and irritation, and then you stretch and cause more stress...it's counterintuitive. He said that he noticed that the Mayo Clinic's website said that stretching helps something like 80% of sufferers. So for the past 3-4 days do you know what I've done for my foot? Not a damn thing. I'm not stretching it anymore. Hey...stretching it wasn't working...hasn't worked for 18 months, so will trying something like this hurt anything? Probably not. So far my foot feels a lot better. Go figure.
As far as my workouts. Logan and I will be following the LiveFit program. It's a 12-week program from Jamie Eason on the Bodybuilding.com website. I've done it before (well, most of it) and felt amazing when I was doing it. The reason I'm drawn to it is because it calls for no cardio for the first 4 weeks of the program - JUST lifting. I'm even considering drawing those first 4 weeks out to 8 weeks. After that I'll either try the bike or the elliptical to test out my foot.
Side note: I would LOVE to schedule some Tuesday or Thursdays working from home so I can try out the new Tai Chi class at the gym.
I'm not changing much about my eating yet. One stressor at a time here. I'm going to get my butt back in the gym and for the next 2 weeks just focus on slowly reforming my upper and lower body strength. The only thing I am going to focus on is making healthier options wherever I can, cooking at home as much as possible, and falling back on my healthier snacking alternatives - fruit, vegetables, rice cakes, and protein bars. Today's lunch - homemade chili, rice cakes and an orange.
All I'm honestly hoping for right now is to break out of this rut. I'm slightly encouraged by the improvements in my foot...could NOT stretching be the key for me? Seems wrong, but who knows - right?
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
I haven't done anything.
I'm a big, fat liar.
Seriously, none of my clothes fit anymore.
I've never been one of those "I can't get motivated" people, but for some reason I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I honestly, 100% feel trapped in this body and in my own life.
I'm bitter and angry and I cry pretty much every day.
What happens to the girl who gets everything she ever wanted from life? She ends of miserable because she made so many sacrifices to get there.
I have a great job. I work with great people.
And I wake up every day still hating my life because I know I have to be seen.
I hate how I look. But, more than that, I hate how I feel. Fat. Bloated. Gross.
I can't move because of my knees and my foot and my back all hurt.
So I've been asking myself why I haven't started myself back down the path I know will help.
Not work. Help.
First of all, I'm still angry and bitter.
I did everything I was supposed to do and I failed. And I cannot even begin to tell you how pissed off I still am. Do you know how hard it is to go workout and make yourself hurt SO much (even more now thanks to the foot/ankle) AND deprive yourself of what everyone around you is eating just so you can be LESS FAT. No, seriously. Imagine for a minute that someone told you, "I don't care what you do...starve yourself for the next five years...go ahead and try...you will NEVER lose this weight. You will NEVER be thin." Now go get the motivation to go do the right thing.
I know I'm not SUPPOSED to think that way. But anyone who says that can screw off. Because they didn't get to live through 2012 as me.
Nealy everyone I've started this journey with is done already.
So I've tried another route. Just ignoring that. Chancing that THIS time will be different (though I know it won't). If I just work hard enough this time, but take it REALLY slow (like not seeing a goal weight until I'm 60 years old and too damn old to live the life I've imagined) maybe it will work.
So I tell myself to go to the gym. Because I know that's how it works for me. I can't do food first and exercise later like most of you. Exercise is the answer to me. When I work out I feel better, when I feel better I want to workout, and when I'm feeling great I don't want to eat crap foods because I have more of a training my body mentality.
Problem is...I can't go to the gym. I am LITERALLY trapped.
My husband now goes to work with me every day. We carpool into the city because his car is crap and it literally creaks and makes noises like it's going to fall apart under you when you drive it. He drives MAYBE once a week...the rest of the time we're together. And he only works 1/2 a day...which means he drops me off, waits 2 hours, works 4, waits another 2 and then we go home. I can't ask him to wait any longer. I already feel pressured to leave work early even though that's not really my style. Oh, and did I mention that we have to rush home on Wednesdays because Logan has to be picked up from after school band practice?
All of this would be different if:
Hubs had a different job. He had a second interview last week and we have to wait 2-3 weeks to hear anything.
We lived in town. But we can't even start looking at houses because Hubs has no clue on the job and because I still have not yet gotten a paycheck from the new job.
It's all a game of hurry up and wait. And while I'm waiting I've gained 40 pounds in 3 weeks. And, no, I am not exaggerating.
*pulls hair out*
I do NOT like being this angry, nasty, bitter person. Trying to figure out how to fix this but there's nothing I can do but WAIT...I've never been all that great at WAITING. I've been WAITING for my foot to heal for over a year now. Fat lot of good that did. I don't do waiting. I do action. I do movement. I am a shark.
So how do I stop being who I am for the next 4 weeks to 4 months so:
- We can find out about the job
- We can move into a new house
- I can workout without the gym
- I can eat right without working out
No, seriously...I need some friggin' help here. HATE this. HATE IT.
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