Monday, July 08, 2013
So the past 6 months of my life have been absolutely INSANE...in a good way. I have a new job that I love which is rewarding and makes me feel like I'm doing important things and contributing to society and helping people who really need my help. I have 3 amazing coworkers, and an extended "team" of people that are simply a joy to work with (well, most of them *lol*) - you know when you're boss asks you in the first month to help him pull a prank on your coworkers, you're off to a good start. Most importantly, I have finally accomplished a goal I have had since I was a little girl - to have my very own home. My husband and I moved in around late June and we've spent the past few weeks moving things in, painting, trying to get some decorating done, getting furniture delivered, etc. So now that I'm broke and my first mortgage payment is coming up, it's time for me to settle down on my home projects and get back to work on making myself a stellar and amazing force of nature.
I can honestly say that lot of my goals have changed, but at my heart I realize that I'm never going to stop wanting some things. And I can also honestly say that I'm in no place to say for certainty right now that I'm ready to get back on the "losing" bandwagon...hell, my scale is still at the old place, but I have plans to pick it up tonight. (We do still have some "moving" to do, as it were. Thankfully we're only 10 minutes from the old place and we don't need to move out of it completely until we're good and ready...if only I could get my FIL settled and on the same page as me on that.) So life is still a bit of a crazy mess and I'm trying to adjust, but I've been working on making strides in the right direction.
An update on me physically:
I'm likely up around 380 again. I'm hoping I lost some in the move and decorating and painting process, but we shall see. My plantar fascitiis is still alive and well, but I've spent the past couple weeks trying to tape the heck out of it and today I have both my foot and my calf taped and am feeling a heck of a lot better. (Of course, now I need more KT Tape... and, for the record, I'm having some issues keeping this stuff stuck at the ends, but I'm hoping it's just because my leg hairs need a good trim). My arm muscles grew a bit in the painting/sanding/moving process, but mostly on the right side. I'm slow and heavy again, and I can certainly feel the difference. That being said, I'm not put off from getting started again, so there is that.
- Set a weigh-in day. I used to always use Sundays, but I know that often can be stressful. Maybe I'll try HUMP day, gives me the notion that there's still time to make a change before the end of the week, as it were. Either way, I'm probably going to need my scale for that. *lol*
- Start evening walks with the dogs and the boys. This is going to get a bit difficult because football season is about to start again, but I think if Ethan and I play our cards right, we can WALK to football practice. :)
- Tape EVERY DAY. I've heard great things about this, but consistency is key, and we all know I have my problems with consistency.
- Start planning home-cooked meals at least 5 nights a week. Let's be honest, when you're moving and painting your kitchen you really have no other choice but to eat out pretty much every meal. But now that everything is back together, I've been having a great time discovering how much easier it is to cook in a kitchen that actually FUNCTIONS properly and has room to work. I'm still missing some of my pans and other tools from the kitchen, but those will come and I've been filling in the holes as needed. Last night I made a low-fat dessert for everyone with angel food cake, instant coconut cream pudding and lite cool whip. Next time it will have sugar free pudding...a little flub on my part at the store there. Was nice to feel like I was indulging without eating 1k calories in one sitting.
- Set a plan of action for working out. This morning I set my alarm for 10 minutes before I needed to be up...which means I only overslept by 20 minutes. *lol* I'm gradually working my way up to morning workout times. Again, it's going to take some time and some adjustments on my part.
That being said, I have a 5k scheduled for next Saturday, the 20th. I would love to see if I could drop down to the 2k distance, so I'll ask about that...otherwise I'll be huffing and puffing my way through the 3.1 miles, or as long as I last. Thankfully it should be a forgiving and understanding environment as it's for the Mountain State Center for Independent Living, which encourages and supports persons with disability attempting to live as independently as possible. It's very much related to the work I do, so as tempting as it is to bow out completely, I don't think my heart will let me. Plus, we all know I've never been a very good "quitter"... I have another 5k scheduled for the end of September, which I plan to be much more prepared for, and which I am doing with a group of like-minded friends who have seen me struggle through my injury and promise to stick by me along the way. It helps that they'll be bringing their kids so that should slow us down a bit. It also helps that it's a color run, so the emphasis will be on FUN, not FAST. :) Here's to hoping I make it through strong as ever.
How is everyone doing out there?! I hope I get some time soon to check in on all of you, but work has kept me PRETTY busy. As a salaried employee I don't GET overtime, but I sure do it! Thankfully I love the job and don't mind the extra time I spend on research, cold calls, and fielding calls for help or even complaints...well, I don't mind them too much. :)
Monday, March 18, 2013
...story of my life these days.
A few days on, even more off. I think I'm back up to 360 again. I'm honestly gaining weight faster than I knew was possible...and I wish I knew why because I am trying my damndest to watch what I eat as much as possible.
Fact is, I'm stressed. More than usual stressed. Everything is falling on my shoulders and it all got a little too heavy for a while. Still trying to get above it, but it's been hard.
Setting small goals right now. The PF is backing down slowly, but my leg muscles are cramping a lot. My back and hip are calling some of the shots and I'm living on a daily diet of Advil just to get through. And it's a mess here at work because it's just plain madness about 98% of the time. Today was my first down day in a LONG time and I've spent the time playing catch-up on my hobby-type things.
So, I'm trying to get back to eating right.
Trying to walk past the candy dish more times than not without touching anything.
Trying to stick to water wherever possible.
I'm going to see what walking 3-4 times a week does for me.
I read an article the other day about what type of tummy you have - mine is a stress tummy, I believe. Makes sense why it doesn't budge even when I'm fully 100% on my game. I'm always stressed. It said I should try long walks and yoga and other low-impact and low-stress workouts. Has it met me? I think we'll try that for right now, but I make no promises for the future. I started this because I wanted to be one of those crazy runs 5 miles a day and spends her weekends doing races kind of people...I do like hiking though...if it would just stop friggin' raining, then snowing, then raining, then snowing. *pulls out hair*
I'm ready for the weather to change.
I ready for a change of scenery.
We meet tomorrow with the mortgage lender. Should be interesting at least. *sigh* I'm so scared he's going to say we can't get a house still. I'm also worried about paying a mortgage payment every month so ... that's me...worry, worry, worry.
Stress stomach, anyone?
Monday, February 25, 2013
On Saturday I bit the bullet and signed up at our local gym. After weighing all the pros and cons, I decided that while there will still be several obstacles, paying for membership at the gym closest to my house is probably my best bet. I also signed up my 13-year-old sign to go with me. Now that he's about to enter 8th grade, I don't see why he can't be more active in the gym - he's been going with me off and on for years, really. He said that he really wants to work on building some muscles and "getting rid of this gut"... (he doesn't have a gut...I think he's heard his Dad say that or something *lol*). I'm sure the newly discovered interest in girls has helped spur this on as well.
Later that day we ended up at the mall where he and I dodged into the local sports store and bought him a workout outfit (basketball shorts and a performance shirt) and a gym bag. (He ended up with one of those drawstring backpacks for now, because every single duffel at this stupid store was at least 8-10 feet off the ground. And there was NO ONE around to help get anything down. WTF?!)
The plan, starting tonight, is to drive straight home, change, drop off Hubs and pick up Logan and then off to the gym for a bit, then home where I'll cook dinner while he works on his homework next to me (I need to clear off our kitchen table so I can have him RIGHT THERE WITH ME.
As far as my foot - well, I can tell you that my boss gave me different advice for healing my PF. Everyone so far (and every website) tells me to stretch it out. My boss said when he suffered from PF he went to a podiatrist who said that's just the opposite of what you want to do. She told him that your foot is already stressed, hence the pain and irritation, and then you stretch and cause more stress...it's counterintuitive. He said that he noticed that the Mayo Clinic's website said that stretching helps something like 80% of sufferers. So for the past 3-4 days do you know what I've done for my foot? Not a damn thing. I'm not stretching it anymore. Hey...stretching it wasn't working...hasn't worked for 18 months, so will trying something like this hurt anything? Probably not. So far my foot feels a lot better. Go figure.
As far as my workouts. Logan and I will be following the LiveFit program. It's a 12-week program from Jamie Eason on the Bodybuilding.com website. I've done it before (well, most of it) and felt amazing when I was doing it. The reason I'm drawn to it is because it calls for no cardio for the first 4 weeks of the program - JUST lifting. I'm even considering drawing those first 4 weeks out to 8 weeks. After that I'll either try the bike or the elliptical to test out my foot.
Side note: I would LOVE to schedule some Tuesday or Thursdays working from home so I can try out the new Tai Chi class at the gym.
I'm not changing much about my eating yet. One stressor at a time here. I'm going to get my butt back in the gym and for the next 2 weeks just focus on slowly reforming my upper and lower body strength. The only thing I am going to focus on is making healthier options wherever I can, cooking at home as much as possible, and falling back on my healthier snacking alternatives - fruit, vegetables, rice cakes, and protein bars. Today's lunch - homemade chili, rice cakes and an orange.
All I'm honestly hoping for right now is to break out of this rut. I'm slightly encouraged by the improvements in my foot...could NOT stretching be the key for me? Seems wrong, but who knows - right?
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
I haven't done anything.
I'm a big, fat liar.
Seriously, none of my clothes fit anymore.
I've never been one of those "I can't get motivated" people, but for some reason I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I honestly, 100% feel trapped in this body and in my own life.
I'm bitter and angry and I cry pretty much every day.
What happens to the girl who gets everything she ever wanted from life? She ends of miserable because she made so many sacrifices to get there.
I have a great job. I work with great people.
And I wake up every day still hating my life because I know I have to be seen.
I hate how I look. But, more than that, I hate how I feel. Fat. Bloated. Gross.
I can't move because of my knees and my foot and my back all hurt.
So I've been asking myself why I haven't started myself back down the path I know will help.
Not work. Help.
First of all, I'm still angry and bitter.
I did everything I was supposed to do and I failed. And I cannot even begin to tell you how pissed off I still am. Do you know how hard it is to go workout and make yourself hurt SO much (even more now thanks to the foot/ankle) AND deprive yourself of what everyone around you is eating just so you can be LESS FAT. No, seriously. Imagine for a minute that someone told you, "I don't care what you do...starve yourself for the next five years...go ahead and try...you will NEVER lose this weight. You will NEVER be thin." Now go get the motivation to go do the right thing.
I know I'm not SUPPOSED to think that way. But anyone who says that can screw off. Because they didn't get to live through 2012 as me.
Nealy everyone I've started this journey with is done already.
So I've tried another route. Just ignoring that. Chancing that THIS time will be different (though I know it won't). If I just work hard enough this time, but take it REALLY slow (like not seeing a goal weight until I'm 60 years old and too damn old to live the life I've imagined) maybe it will work.
So I tell myself to go to the gym. Because I know that's how it works for me. I can't do food first and exercise later like most of you. Exercise is the answer to me. When I work out I feel better, when I feel better I want to workout, and when I'm feeling great I don't want to eat crap foods because I have more of a training my body mentality.
Problem is...I can't go to the gym. I am LITERALLY trapped.
My husband now goes to work with me every day. We carpool into the city because his car is crap and it literally creaks and makes noises like it's going to fall apart under you when you drive it. He drives MAYBE once a week...the rest of the time we're together. And he only works 1/2 a day...which means he drops me off, waits 2 hours, works 4, waits another 2 and then we go home. I can't ask him to wait any longer. I already feel pressured to leave work early even though that's not really my style. Oh, and did I mention that we have to rush home on Wednesdays because Logan has to be picked up from after school band practice?
All of this would be different if:
Hubs had a different job. He had a second interview last week and we have to wait 2-3 weeks to hear anything.
We lived in town. But we can't even start looking at houses because Hubs has no clue on the job and because I still have not yet gotten a paycheck from the new job.
It's all a game of hurry up and wait. And while I'm waiting I've gained 40 pounds in 3 weeks. And, no, I am not exaggerating.
*pulls hair out*
I do NOT like being this angry, nasty, bitter person. Trying to figure out how to fix this but there's nothing I can do but WAIT...I've never been all that great at WAITING. I've been WAITING for my foot to heal for over a year now. Fat lot of good that did. I don't do waiting. I do action. I do movement. I am a shark.
So how do I stop being who I am for the next 4 weeks to 4 months so:
- We can find out about the job
- We can move into a new house
- I can workout without the gym
- I can eat right without working out
No, seriously...I need some friggin' help here. HATE this. HATE IT.
Friday, February 15, 2013
I have decided I cannot wait until March 1st, so I'm going to start now. Well, Monday. But only because I'm going out of town this weekend and it would be beyond stupid to pile on something else with what I already have planned (and the driving...the driving is going to kill me. I used to LOVE driving...I've driven so many places in my life...but now it's just pain the whole way. I can manage with the cruise control pretty well, but it still hurts to be in that position for very long).
February 18th Weigh In
February 18-February 23
Eat a Paleo diet - Whole30 Approved when possible
No more than 2 lunches out
Start measuring food and recording it.
Yoga week 1
Day 1: yoga.about.com/od/beginningyoga/a/30
Week 1: yoga.about.com/od/beginningyoga/a/30
Feburary 24th Weigh In
Feburary 24-March 3
Eat a Paleo Diet - Whole 30 Approved when possible
EXCEPT February 28th and March 1st, which will be dinners out
No more than 1 lunch out
Measure and record all food, but don't stress if you can't record the dinners out
Yoga week 2: yoga.about.com/od/beginningyoga/a/30
March 3rd Weigh In
Eat a Paleo Diet - Whole 30 Approved when possible
No more than 2 lunches out
Measure and record all food
Yoga week 3: yoga.about.com/od/beginningyoga/a/30
March 10 Weigh In
Eat a Paleo Diet - Whole 30 Approved when possible
EXCEPT March 15-16 (out of town visiting a friend for her B-day)
No more than 1 lunch out
Measure and record all food until the 15th
Yoga week 4: yoga.about.com/od/beginningyoga/a/30
How is the foot?
Can we start walking? If so, put a walking plan into place.
Start slow and work your way up.
You can probably move on to more advanced Yoga for sure. Add in some advanced moves and try to perfect them each morning with your routine.
Add in afternoon or evening walks if your foot feels up to it. If not, add in some lifting or ST routine to your evening, even if it's squats by the stove as you cook.
On March 18, begin your Paleo/Whole30 Diet.
See if what you're eating throughout the day fits into suggested calorie counts. If not, adjust.
Don't let yourself eat out more than 2 times a week, and even then try to stay Paleo. You can have bread now and again on a lunch out, but not every day.
Dinners out for the rest of the March - at least one. A date night with Hubs on either March 22 or March 29. Go out. Enjoy. Don't stress over your diet. Give yourself the night off and just enjoy life.
Look, I've come to realize that I can't do this like the rest of you. I can't just set strict rules and diet because there is NO END IN SIGHT and I'm about to lose my ever-loving mind. What happens is my body stalls out and no matter how hard I push it won't budge, so I go off the rails and do what I've done in the past - I have no rules and eat whatever I want and go back to my binge and emotional eating disorder habits. Because that's what's safe. I know what to expect. I could eat on plan every day for 3 months and gain 10 pounds instead of losing. I never know what my body is going to do when I'm pushing it. But when I let it go, it does what it does best - gain, then maintain.
So how do I break this mentality and keep my sanity? Especially right now when everything is crazy and stressful? I have to let myself have my moments. If I stick to a "plan" about 80% of the time, it shouldn't hurt too awful bad when the other 20% rears its ugly head. I have to be able to visit my friends and celebrate holidays and go have a date with my husband at least once or twice a month. I have to formulate and build and expand upon those relationships, because they've had to live through me being so frustrated with my inability to lose weight and have had angry mom for way too long. If my child and I are out and he wants Frozen Yogurt because we never have it, I want him to not be afraid to ask. I also want the willpower to not let his eating habits affect my own. Just because he has yogurt doesn't mean I have to have some if I don't really want it. But it also means I CAN have some if I do.
I have no clue if this method will work. I'm used to 2-3 years of hard work followed by a year or so of just eating whatever I want, gaining back 30-50 pounds and then coming back for another couple years of hard fighting.
I have no illusions that I will ever be skinny. I gave up on that dream. And you can tell me to think positively, but wishing for something that can never happen just hurts me. I will never, and I do mean NEVER, match the vision in my head of how I see myself. But I can enjoy my life and not hate myself or my body if I just learn to accept who I am and what I really have to work with. Hopefully I can firm up. Maybe one day I'll be able to get some of this crap removed from me (which, honestly, might be the only way I'll rid myself of it). I'm not one of the lucky ones, but I can't be bitter and hate those of you who are. You decided to lose weight and didn't have a bump in the road the whole way and now you're happy and healthy and doing commercials? Good for you. My path is different.
I've had too many people along the way tell me I think the wrong way or I'm doing the wrong thing. I've had people here tell me I'm pushing too hard while others tell me to push harder. Which is it? What I've come to realize is that I'm tired living in everyone else's world and mind. I have to accept who I am - even if that's a little bit sarcastic and a whole lot of sass and not the most optimistic. Whatever. It's gotten me this far, right? I look around at what I've done with my life with who I am and not who everyone wanted me to be and the only thing I'm sad about is that I didn't accept myself sooner. My whole life I had everyone telling me I should hide things about myself, be a different person, act differently, think differently, BE different completely. I tried. I honestly 100% tried. I can't. And I'm tired of trying.
I'm the girl who IS sarcastic and probably too pessimistic.
I'm the girl everyone gets to say "I told you so!" when something good happens that I didn't expect, because I've fought so long for something that never happened and never happened and then BOOM! there it is.
I have sass and flare. I make a TON of mistakes. I curse when my children are around.
I don't attend church regularly because I believe that a lot of it is a farce and some of the meanest people I've met have done horrible things to me and the people I love and then claimed they were "good, Christian people". I will make my own ideas about religion and God and they will probably center more around treating other people with respect and dignity and basic human kindness.
I will be a staunch supporter of equal rights (SO glad I don't have to hide that one anymore) for EVERYONE. Because people are people and no stupid relgion in the world can make any rational argument as to why some people are better than others because of whatever characteristic about them is different.
What's more, I will argue with you if I feel you ARE being stupid about these topics. I'm not going to turn a blind eye anymore. (Like I said, thankfully my job change means I CAN be more open and honest about this.) I'm not doing it to hurt your feelings, but if you want to isolate an entire group of people or bring some sort of hate upon them - I have a responsiblity to say SOMETHING...even though I know you won't listen.
I'm going to allow myself to be bold while still trying to be kind. There is a fine line between "If you don't have anything nice to say..." and "The only way for evil to succeed is for good people to do nothing..." (and I'm not looking up either of those to make sure they're right).
I'm going to dare to be wrong.
I'm going to dare to have fun and look stupid doing it.
I'm going to beg for forgiveness and not ask for permission.
Why? Because it's MY DAMN LIFE.
I have to live it...not you.
And I'm not happy being someone that makes you happy to be around.
I will take other people's feelings into account, but I will not allow myself to be degraded and put down and smashed into the ground and made to feel insignificant just so YOU can feel okay/good about yourself. I have to stop sacrificing myself ALL THE DAMN TIME.
And as far as health and diet is concerned...I am going to stop apologizing for being human.
I'm going to stop feeling like I failed ALL OF YOU because I have this major injury. I'm going to allow myself the safe and easy recovery time I need. Even if that means I can't ever run again. I wanted to prove you all wrong...all you who thought I couldn't or shouldn't run. And, honestly, I did. I spent a whole month running a 5k EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND. I ran 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 miles straight. Did I get hurt? Yes. But not one doctor attributes my injury to my running, and neither do I. I attribute it to horrible bone structure, lack of stretching (that's my impatience coming out...), and inability to purchase appropriate equipment. I also attribute some of it to the people who wouldn't listen when I told them I needed help. It took a lot for me to stand in front of that guy and tell him I was a runner and needed new shoes. Instead of fitting me like they do everyone else, he got me in and out as fast as possible and I have no doubt he didn't believe me for a second. To him, I was a joke. And, yes, I lay some fault with him.
So there it is. My plan..and a rant. Because I needed to get it out of me. I'm ready to move on with my life, and part of that is accepting that I'm not one of those quick in-and-out dieters. I'm going to be at this my ENTIRE life and will probably never reach my goal without some sort of surgical intervention. Take it or leave it.
Oh, and one last thing. I'm the girl who changes her plans...so be prepared to see this one get morphed into something else. I'm still not sure if Paleo is really what I want for myself. I think I like clean eating better. I think if I can adapt Paleo and Jamie Eason's eating plan in the LiveFit program together I might be able to live with that and do it forever. Part whole eating, part Paleo, part vegetarian. I've never EVER been all of one thing in my life, why did I think I would be this time? I want to see cheese and bread and sweets in my future - so I have to learn to adapt those or accept those in moderation or something. We shall see what comes of it. I'll label it the Esther Diet and sell billions of book and have people eating out of my hands in no time!! ;)
Get An Email Alert Each Time CALLIKIA Posts