CALLIKIA   23,769
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Give Me a Shovel and I'll Bury that Excuse...

Monday, February 25, 2013

On Saturday I bit the bullet and signed up at our local gym. After weighing all the pros and cons, I decided that while there will still be several obstacles, paying for membership at the gym closest to my house is probably my best bet. I also signed up my 13-year-old sign to go with me. Now that he's about to enter 8th grade, I don't see why he can't be more active in the gym - he's been going with me off and on for years, really. He said that he really wants to work on building some muscles and "getting rid of this gut"... (he doesn't have a gut...I think he's heard his Dad say that or something *lol*). I'm sure the newly discovered interest in girls has helped spur this on as well.

Later that day we ended up at the mall where he and I dodged into the local sports store and bought him a workout outfit (basketball shorts and a performance shirt) and a gym bag. (He ended up with one of those drawstring backpacks for now, because every single duffel at this stupid store was at least 8-10 feet off the ground. And there was NO ONE around to help get anything down. WTF?!)

The plan, starting tonight, is to drive straight home, change, drop off Hubs and pick up Logan and then off to the gym for a bit, then home where I'll cook dinner while he works on his homework next to me (I need to clear off our kitchen table so I can have him RIGHT THERE WITH ME.

As far as my foot - well, I can tell you that my boss gave me different advice for healing my PF. Everyone so far (and every website) tells me to stretch it out. My boss said when he suffered from PF he went to a podiatrist who said that's just the opposite of what you want to do. She told him that your foot is already stressed, hence the pain and irritation, and then you stretch and cause more's counterintuitive. He said that he noticed that the Mayo Clinic's website said that stretching helps something like 80% of sufferers. So for the past 3-4 days do you know what I've done for my foot? Not a damn thing. I'm not stretching it anymore. Hey...stretching it wasn't working...hasn't worked for 18 months, so will trying something like this hurt anything? Probably not. So far my foot feels a lot better. Go figure.

As far as my workouts. Logan and I will be following the LiveFit program. It's a 12-week program from Jamie Eason on the website. I've done it before (well, most of it) and felt amazing when I was doing it. The reason I'm drawn to it is because it calls for no cardio for the first 4 weeks of the program - JUST lifting. I'm even considering drawing those first 4 weeks out to 8 weeks. After that I'll either try the bike or the elliptical to test out my foot.

Side note: I would LOVE to schedule some Tuesday or Thursdays working from home so I can try out the new Tai Chi class at the gym.

I'm not changing much about my eating yet. One stressor at a time here. I'm going to get my butt back in the gym and for the next 2 weeks just focus on slowly reforming my upper and lower body strength. The only thing I am going to focus on is making healthier options wherever I can, cooking at home as much as possible, and falling back on my healthier snacking alternatives - fruit, vegetables, rice cakes, and protein bars. Today's lunch - homemade chili, rice cakes and an orange.

All I'm honestly hoping for right now is to break out of this rut. I'm slightly encouraged by the improvements in my foot...could NOT stretching be the key for me? Seems wrong, but who knows - right?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BESSHAILE 3/9/2013 6:13AM

    Hope you've also tried some orthotics - my PF lasted about a year. Some days were worse than others. Also - I found those old sketchers shoes that they claimed would "tone your thighs" ... the ones with rocker type soles - were AMAZING for helping with pain. Looked like crap with clothes but man .. a day without pain? Like you - stretching my foot just made it hurt more. time and those rocker bottomed shoes were the only thing that worked.

Hope your foot feels better soon.

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4EVERADONEGIRL 3/8/2013 11:05AM

    Hey girlie! I've been off the grid for a while so I'm behind with not enough time to truly catch up...but way to go on signing up for your local gym! Sounds like you and your son will be able to motivate each other - AWESOME!

Keep up the good work!!

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SUGIRL06 2/26/2013 4:19PM

    I just LOVE this blog post. LOVE LOVE

1) I stopped stretching my Achilles and it feels better. Rob is anti-stretching so he would agree with your boss.

2) I love that Logan is heading to the gym with you!! I hope you guys can encourage each other to just go, even if you aren't working out together when you get there.

3) I love lifting and this it is under-rated by weight-losers so I LOVE this idea too. I was basically told by a figure competitor (woman) that I was too fat to lift and I should do cardio first. Guess what? My body looks better now, 4 weeks into Body Beast than it did while I was doing Insanity last year! (I expected this because in the past, my body responded better to lifting than cardio - its how my body works!).

4) Just lots of happy vibes here! Happy! Love!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

Ok, enough obnoxious happy thoughts. I'm sure you're annoyed with my positivity already ;)

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ROMNEY3 2/26/2013 11:54AM

    Yes I remember how much you enjoyed her program. You keep going, it can't hurt right? Good Luck.

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ABEAUTIFULMESS1 2/26/2013 11:21AM

    Sounds like you're definitely off to a great start and it sounds like an awesome plan!!! I'm glad that even though it might be slow going at times, you're doing the best you can with what you have!! emoticon

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-POOKIE- 2/25/2013 4:56PM

    Hey thats really cool your son wants to come along as well, you are indeed being a good role model to him!

I often wondered that about my foot as well. I didn't tend to do a lot of stretching, I iced/heated, I used topical anti inflammatory and I did massage it, but that was more a pressure one, than a stretching one.

Here's hoping you have found something good!

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ARMONIA 2/25/2013 2:15PM

    I did Jamie Eason last year and it was awesome!!! I didn't finish the last phase because it just seemed so technical. The first 8 weeks are great though!! Good luck!

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KNOWMOREBBK 2/25/2013 1:23PM

    A step in the right direction.. Keep on steppin!

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BAYBELIEVER 2/25/2013 1:13PM

    Sounds good! And I am glad to hear you sounding so much more positive and in control again.

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ARUNNINGKAT 2/25/2013 12:40PM

    Sounds like you have a great plan of action. Hope you have found the secret for healing your foot!

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Wednesday, February 20, 2013

I haven't done anything.
I'm a big, fat liar.

Seriously, none of my clothes fit anymore.

I've never been one of those "I can't get motivated" people, but for some reason I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I honestly, 100% feel trapped in this body and in my own life.
I'm bitter and angry and I cry pretty much every day.

What happens to the girl who gets everything she ever wanted from life? She ends of miserable because she made so many sacrifices to get there.

I have a great job. I work with great people.
And I wake up every day still hating my life because I know I have to be seen.
I hate how I look. But, more than that, I hate how I feel. Fat. Bloated. Gross.
I can't move because of my knees and my foot and my back all hurt.

So I've been asking myself why I haven't started myself back down the path I know will help.
Not work. Help.

First of all, I'm still angry and bitter.
I did everything I was supposed to do and I failed. And I cannot even begin to tell you how pissed off I still am. Do you know how hard it is to go workout and make yourself hurt SO much (even more now thanks to the foot/ankle) AND deprive yourself of what everyone around you is eating just so you can be LESS FAT. No, seriously. Imagine for a minute that someone told you, "I don't care what you do...starve yourself for the next five years...go ahead and will NEVER lose this weight. You will NEVER be thin." Now go get the motivation to go do the right thing.

I know I'm not SUPPOSED to think that way. But anyone who says that can screw off. Because they didn't get to live through 2012 as me.

Nealy everyone I've started this journey with is done already.

So I've tried another route. Just ignoring that. Chancing that THIS time will be different (though I know it won't). If I just work hard enough this time, but take it REALLY slow (like not seeing a goal weight until I'm 60 years old and too damn old to live the life I've imagined) maybe it will work.

So I tell myself to go to the gym. Because I know that's how it works for me. I can't do food first and exercise later like most of you. Exercise is the answer to me. When I work out I feel better, when I feel better I want to workout, and when I'm feeling great I don't want to eat crap foods because I have more of a training my body mentality.

Problem is...I can't go to the gym. I am LITERALLY trapped.

My husband now goes to work with me every day. We carpool into the city because his car is crap and it literally creaks and makes noises like it's going to fall apart under you when you drive it. He drives MAYBE once a week...the rest of the time we're together. And he only works 1/2 a day...which means he drops me off, waits 2 hours, works 4, waits another 2 and then we go home. I can't ask him to wait any longer. I already feel pressured to leave work early even though that's not really my style. Oh, and did I mention that we have to rush home on Wednesdays because Logan has to be picked up from after school band practice?

All of this would be different if:

Hubs had a different job. He had a second interview last week and we have to wait 2-3 weeks to hear anything.

We lived in town. But we can't even start looking at houses because Hubs has no clue on the job and because I still have not yet gotten a paycheck from the new job.

It's all a game of hurry up and wait. And while I'm waiting I've gained 40 pounds in 3 weeks. And, no, I am not exaggerating.

*pulls hair out*

I do NOT like being this angry, nasty, bitter person. Trying to figure out how to fix this but there's nothing I can do but WAIT...I've never been all that great at WAITING. I've been WAITING for my foot to heal for over a year now. Fat lot of good that did. I don't do waiting. I do action. I do movement. I am a shark.

So how do I stop being who I am for the next 4 weeks to 4 months so:
- We can find out about the job
- We can move into a new house
- I can workout without the gym
- I can eat right without working out

No, seriously...I need some friggin' help here. HATE this. HATE IT.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROMNEY3 2/25/2013 11:43AM

    Oh wow, like NOTABOUTTHEFACE, don't know what to say. Hope things start working better for you soon. emoticon

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PAMAZON 2/21/2013 9:43AM

    Well, at least your writing successfully gets your frustration across to us. So that's a positive, you're a good blogger!

You've got numerous obstacles, you've been at this a long time, and you have a wealth of self-knowledge. Sometimes those of us with the longest paths are the most stubborn and unwilling to make certain changes because we're sure they will not work.

Do not let fears and stubborness close doors. Do not let your sense of self-worth keep you growing roots in the same place. Take care of your body, build a little muscle (safely), clean up the diet. If you can't stick with your good nutrition plan, don't blame the plan, look within.

Look at where you are now, look at where you were then, and feel proud. Don't let the ups and downs in the recent year belittle the successes you've had. Start your new streak like you started your first, but don't assume you have all the answers. Be humble, try new stuff, surround yourself with newbies and pretend that you're new at this yourself. Their enthusiasm can be infectious (if not annoying).


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KNOWMOREBBK 2/21/2013 9:09AM

    I've been fat since I was 10 years old. I'm 44 yrs old now... and still "fat." I know that I will NEVER be thin. I will never be a waif. I have junk in the trunk and I come from a long line of "big boned women." But I am beautiful. I am smart. I am generous. I am loved. I know that you can say all of those same words... and when you are going through hell...keep going.
You are in a tough spot and you need to get it out. You need to scream and kick and be just..well... pissed off at the world and at the crappy hand you have been dealt. It sucks... It's not fair....Who the hell could deal with it all and remain "positive."
Get it out...but keep going. You won't quit. It's not who you are.

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CHALLENGEME4 2/20/2013 4:36PM

    We all have a story and probably most sound lie your I know mine did I had all these things going against me and I was miserable!!!! I kept waiting for things to get better so that I could......
Things didn't get better I had to get up.....literally and do something for myself or later would come without me.
Perhaps when you get home yo take a walk, perhaps yo be honest with hubby to give yo 30mins at gym except wednesdays to workout, if he sits for 2hrs 30 more mins might not be so bad
your mental and physical health is much too important
perhaps he could get some of the runing around done to give you more free time.
If going to the gym makes you happy get to the gym or use DVDS to help get you started until things get better
I wish you lots of support believe me just 2 months ago I was you. I got up and out just did it because otherwise I don't think I would have made it mentally and physically I would have kept gaining weight!!!!

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ERIN1128 2/20/2013 4:24PM

    I'm so sorry that you're in such a tough spot right now. I hope, hope, hope that everything will come together soon!

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IRONBLOSSOM 2/20/2013 4:17PM

    I'm feeling your pain, honestly. I started last February, lost 20 pounds, plateaued, lost my job, gained 10, plateaued, now I'm too scared to step on the scale but I can see from my clothes that while I'm not all the way back to the beginning, I'm close. There seems to constantly be an "event" that keeps me from getting back into the swing of things, but I know that these are all choices, I'm just not making the right ones. And at the time I make them I. DON'T. CARE. Because exactly what you said "gonna be fat forever, what does it matter if I have this snack, that lunch instead of the healthy one, etc etc" But it doesn't end that way.

I'm with you, I need to exercise in order to feel good enough to exercise, eat right,'s that first step out the door that is dragging me down lately.

I'm sure you've already thought of everything I could think of, and I don't 100% know your foot situation, but is there any way you can talk your husband into going to the gym with you before/after work when you drive together? Maybe even just 1-2 days per week right now. Heck, he can bring a book and sit in the lobby! Or "babe watch" (I do this with my fiancee, not recommended if you're the jealous type) on the cardio machines, etc etc etc... I know you feel like you're making him wait even LONGER, but if there's something he can do then it's not just waiting and wasted time. He could go to the library, a coffee shop, take a bus, something ANY thing so that you can get there just every so often. Remind him how exercise makes you so much happier and a better partner. I don't know, my fiancee says all the right things, but when it comes to follow-through, he has a hard time "don't go work out right NOW, come snuggle with me!" "Yeah, we should go for a walk, ohh, too bad, now it's too late and cold and dark, darn it!" So I don't have all the answers for that either.

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SUGIRL06 2/20/2013 3:01PM

    Boy we are both having quite the blogging day!
Let all those frustrations out girl. I know you aren't looking for advice. Like you said, you just have to wait right now. I feel the same way, just waiting for something to happen, for my body to change, for something positive. I keep going because it is who I am but it gets hard sometimes. I know you are a strong woman and will keep attacking life head on!

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MAMADWARF 2/20/2013 1:00PM

    I can only say that I'm not done yet either and we started around the same time. Something's gotta give. Don't punish yourself with food though. That game always ends bad! Cheering for you! I know you'll figure something out cause I dpknow how hard you've worked to lose what you have.

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CALLIKIA 2/20/2013 12:48PM

    I'd be happy if I never heard the words "chair exercise" ever again.

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GUITARWOMAN 2/20/2013 12:41PM

    Callikia, I have been following you for a long worried when you disappeared for a while...and now am responding even though I am on an official Sparkpeople hiatus (I let my sparkfriends know first).

Okay, I will go with the organizing principles that you are telling the truth and that you know how to read a scale and other relevant numbers.

It seems to me that you are the recipient of one really weird metabolism in the game of genetic chance we play when we are born. You should be studied....for your own good and that of all of us who struggle every day with our weight. Contact the Mayo clinic....I mean it.....or any other high placed medical research institution you can find. Maybe they will take you on as a research subject. Gaining 40 pounds in three weeks? And living a basically regular work and family life? That should get someone's attention somewhere.... I have read that normally the human body can absorb maybe 7,000 calories a day tops. That is why those polar explorers eat sticks of butter for snacks and still lose weight---a phenomenal calorie expenditure. Perhaps you have an extraordinary absorption capacity.

But, don't listen to me. I'm a social scientist, not a nutritionist. Get someone to study you.

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SKIRNIR 2/20/2013 10:57AM

    I also really have no idea what to say. I can see your frustration. But the last thing you want to do is totally deprive yourself or workout so hard you hurt. Whatever you do, it has to be longterm and slow. Cutting a few calories here and there. Took me two years to loose 50 pounds. Yeah, that is slow and that can be frustrating, but how else can you keep it off if you don't get it off slowly? My main exercise is walking. Just get out and walk. If your body doesn't allow walking, then look up some chair exercises or what not. You have to start somewhere. But if after your workout, you are so sore the next day you can't do some minor activity, then I think you over did it. You have to start slowly and work up to it. And don't make too many big changes. Don't try and workout for an hour the first day, or try and cut your calories to some ridiculously low level, etc. I think you can do this, even in spite of all the difficulties. What can happen if you try?

Oh, I would also talk to your doctor about it, and maybe he/she might have some ideas on pain meds, or other ways to help with your endeavor. Also getting others involved in the process makes/means you are more serious about it.

Whatever you do, try and do this weightloss/get healthier thing safely, without extreme deprivation.

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-POOKIE- 2/20/2013 10:26AM

    Ah, I had a thought that you had tried something before.

Have you tried topical anti-inflammatory gels? I have ibuprofen gel, I'm sorry I don't know the US version, but its a pain killing, anti inflammatory drug that you can get in topical versions rather than pills.

I didn't get vast relief from them, but they did help somewhat, and they are freely available and not expensive here (can only assume its the same there, as your drug laws for OTC are freer than here)

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CALLIKIA 2/20/2013 10:21AM

    If I could cure this with positive self talk I would've done that the whole time. Positive self talk makes me want to smack myself.

Pookie - I had one of those injections once and it about killed me and didn't do anything to heal the pain. I've tried 2 different doctors and a PT and a chiropractor. I refuse to give any more money to someone else who cannot help me.

Trust me, I totally wish I could break out of this...and I probably will, but right now the whole "wait" thing is driving me bonkers because as I wait I gain weight. And even doing Whole30 only netted me a 10 pound loss...and there's no way I could eat that way ALL THE TIME. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

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NOTABOUTHEFACE 2/20/2013 10:12AM

    Don't know what to say other than... emoticon

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FLYINGB16 2/20/2013 10:11AM

    I don't know the details of your 2012 so I can't offer any insight. I'm sorry you are having so much frustration. I do know that you have to fix your head first and the body will follow. This was/is the hardest part for me. Negative thoughts create more negative thoughts create more negative thoughts etc... I'm sure you want to smack me right now but try "I think I can or I know I can do this". Positive self-talk may sound corney but it does work.

As far as the gym...whatever activity you are able to do with your injuries/health issues just go do it. Anything is better than nothing. Why can't your husband workout with you instead of waiting for you to finish?

Transition sucks and it sounds like you are experiencing a lot of BIG things all at one time. I have been there and I know it can make you crazy. Take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself.


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-POOKIE- 2/20/2013 9:58AM

    Have you had any treatments on your foot?

I had steroid injections which really helped, they where, I'll be honest, horribly painful (needle in the side of your heel, to the depth of where the pain is in the centre) but again, honest here, the relief was within HOURS and it lasted months, then I had to get one foot "topped up" and since then, I have been relatively free from pain, unless I do something really OTT.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way, I really am. Is there anything you feel you could do at home to work out? low impact exercise videos... just so you can feel you are doing something?
Or lifting "weights" doesn't need to be actual weights, grab heavy junk in the garage and work out your upper body while seated with the heavy stuff?

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Putting a Plan in Place

Friday, February 15, 2013

I have decided I cannot wait until March 1st, so I'm going to start now. Well, Monday. But only because I'm going out of town this weekend and it would be beyond stupid to pile on something else with what I already have planned (and the driving...the driving is going to kill me. I used to LOVE driving...I've driven so many places in my life...but now it's just pain the whole way. I can manage with the cruise control pretty well, but it still hurts to be in that position for very long).

Week 1:
February 18th Weigh In
February 18-February 23
Eat a Paleo diet - Whole30 Approved when possible
No more than 2 lunches out
Start measuring food and recording it.
Yoga week 1
Day 1:

Week 1:

Week 2:
Feburary 24th Weigh In
Feburary 24-March 3
Eat a Paleo Diet - Whole 30 Approved when possible
EXCEPT February 28th and March 1st, which will be dinners out
No more than 1 lunch out
Measure and record all food, but don't stress if you can't record the dinners out
Yoga week 2:

Week 3:
March 3rd Weigh In
March 3-9
Eat a Paleo Diet - Whole 30 Approved when possible
No more than 2 lunches out
Measure and record all food
Yoga week 3:

Week 4:
March 10 Weigh In
March 10-16
Eat a Paleo Diet - Whole 30 Approved when possible
EXCEPT March 15-16 (out of town visiting a friend for her B-day)
No more than 1 lunch out
Measure and record all food until the 15th
Yoga week 4:

How is the foot?
Can we start walking? If so, put a walking plan into place.
Start slow and work your way up.
You can probably move on to more advanced Yoga for sure. Add in some advanced moves and try to perfect them each morning with your routine.
Add in afternoon or evening walks if your foot feels up to it. If not, add in some lifting or ST routine to your evening, even if it's squats by the stove as you cook.

On March 18, begin your Paleo/Whole30 Diet.
See if what you're eating throughout the day fits into suggested calorie counts. If not, adjust.
Don't let yourself eat out more than 2 times a week, and even then try to stay Paleo. You can have bread now and again on a lunch out, but not every day.
Dinners out for the rest of the March - at least one. A date night with Hubs on either March 22 or March 29. Go out. Enjoy. Don't stress over your diet. Give yourself the night off and just enjoy life.

Look, I've come to realize that I can't do this like the rest of you. I can't just set strict rules and diet because there is NO END IN SIGHT and I'm about to lose my ever-loving mind. What happens is my body stalls out and no matter how hard I push it won't budge, so I go off the rails and do what I've done in the past - I have no rules and eat whatever I want and go back to my binge and emotional eating disorder habits. Because that's what's safe. I know what to expect. I could eat on plan every day for 3 months and gain 10 pounds instead of losing. I never know what my body is going to do when I'm pushing it. But when I let it go, it does what it does best - gain, then maintain.

So how do I break this mentality and keep my sanity? Especially right now when everything is crazy and stressful? I have to let myself have my moments. If I stick to a "plan" about 80% of the time, it shouldn't hurt too awful bad when the other 20% rears its ugly head. I have to be able to visit my friends and celebrate holidays and go have a date with my husband at least once or twice a month. I have to formulate and build and expand upon those relationships, because they've had to live through me being so frustrated with my inability to lose weight and have had angry mom for way too long. If my child and I are out and he wants Frozen Yogurt because we never have it, I want him to not be afraid to ask. I also want the willpower to not let his eating habits affect my own. Just because he has yogurt doesn't mean I have to have some if I don't really want it. But it also means I CAN have some if I do.

I have no clue if this method will work. I'm used to 2-3 years of hard work followed by a year or so of just eating whatever I want, gaining back 30-50 pounds and then coming back for another couple years of hard fighting.

I have no illusions that I will ever be skinny. I gave up on that dream. And you can tell me to think positively, but wishing for something that can never happen just hurts me. I will never, and I do mean NEVER, match the vision in my head of how I see myself. But I can enjoy my life and not hate myself or my body if I just learn to accept who I am and what I really have to work with. Hopefully I can firm up. Maybe one day I'll be able to get some of this crap removed from me (which, honestly, might be the only way I'll rid myself of it). I'm not one of the lucky ones, but I can't be bitter and hate those of you who are. You decided to lose weight and didn't have a bump in the road the whole way and now you're happy and healthy and doing commercials? Good for you. My path is different.

I've had too many people along the way tell me I think the wrong way or I'm doing the wrong thing. I've had people here tell me I'm pushing too hard while others tell me to push harder. Which is it? What I've come to realize is that I'm tired living in everyone else's world and mind. I have to accept who I am - even if that's a little bit sarcastic and a whole lot of sass and not the most optimistic. Whatever. It's gotten me this far, right? I look around at what I've done with my life with who I am and not who everyone wanted me to be and the only thing I'm sad about is that I didn't accept myself sooner. My whole life I had everyone telling me I should hide things about myself, be a different person, act differently, think differently, BE different completely. I tried. I honestly 100% tried. I can't. And I'm tired of trying.

I'm the girl who IS sarcastic and probably too pessimistic.
I'm the girl everyone gets to say "I told you so!" when something good happens that I didn't expect, because I've fought so long for something that never happened and never happened and then BOOM! there it is.
I have sass and flare. I make a TON of mistakes. I curse when my children are around.
I don't attend church regularly because I believe that a lot of it is a farce and some of the meanest people I've met have done horrible things to me and the people I love and then claimed they were "good, Christian people". I will make my own ideas about religion and God and they will probably center more around treating other people with respect and dignity and basic human kindness.
I will be a staunch supporter of equal rights (SO glad I don't have to hide that one anymore) for EVERYONE. Because people are people and no stupid relgion in the world can make any rational argument as to why some people are better than others because of whatever characteristic about them is different.
What's more, I will argue with you if I feel you ARE being stupid about these topics. I'm not going to turn a blind eye anymore. (Like I said, thankfully my job change means I CAN be more open and honest about this.) I'm not doing it to hurt your feelings, but if you want to isolate an entire group of people or bring some sort of hate upon them - I have a responsiblity to say SOMETHING...even though I know you won't listen.
I'm going to allow myself to be bold while still trying to be kind. There is a fine line between "If you don't have anything nice to say..." and "The only way for evil to succeed is for good people to do nothing..." (and I'm not looking up either of those to make sure they're right).

I'm going to dare to be wrong.
I'm going to dare to have fun and look stupid doing it.
I'm going to beg for forgiveness and not ask for permission.

Why? Because it's MY DAMN LIFE.
I have to live it...not you.
And I'm not happy being someone that makes you happy to be around.
I will take other people's feelings into account, but I will not allow myself to be degraded and put down and smashed into the ground and made to feel insignificant just so YOU can feel okay/good about yourself. I have to stop sacrificing myself ALL THE DAMN TIME.

And as far as health and diet is concerned...I am going to stop apologizing for being human.
I'm going to stop feeling like I failed ALL OF YOU because I have this major injury. I'm going to allow myself the safe and easy recovery time I need. Even if that means I can't ever run again. I wanted to prove you all wrong...all you who thought I couldn't or shouldn't run. And, honestly, I did. I spent a whole month running a 5k EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND. I ran 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 miles straight. Did I get hurt? Yes. But not one doctor attributes my injury to my running, and neither do I. I attribute it to horrible bone structure, lack of stretching (that's my impatience coming out...), and inability to purchase appropriate equipment. I also attribute some of it to the people who wouldn't listen when I told them I needed help. It took a lot for me to stand in front of that guy and tell him I was a runner and needed new shoes. Instead of fitting me like they do everyone else, he got me in and out as fast as possible and I have no doubt he didn't believe me for a second. To him, I was a joke. And, yes, I lay some fault with him.

So there it is. My plan..and a rant. Because I needed to get it out of me. I'm ready to move on with my life, and part of that is accepting that I'm not one of those quick in-and-out dieters. I'm going to be at this my ENTIRE life and will probably never reach my goal without some sort of surgical intervention. Take it or leave it.

Oh, and one last thing. I'm the girl who changes her be prepared to see this one get morphed into something else. I'm still not sure if Paleo is really what I want for myself. I think I like clean eating better. I think if I can adapt Paleo and Jamie Eason's eating plan in the LiveFit program together I might be able to live with that and do it forever. Part whole eating, part Paleo, part vegetarian. I've never EVER been all of one thing in my life, why did I think I would be this time? I want to see cheese and bread and sweets in my future - so I have to learn to adapt those or accept those in moderation or something. We shall see what comes of it. I'll label it the Esther Diet and sell billions of book and have people eating out of my hands in no time!! ;)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CALLIKIA 2/20/2013 9:38AM

    At least you can say "again". Must be nice to know what that's like.

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SPARKLISE 2/18/2013 6:14PM

    emoticon That was a lot of pent up crap coming out! emoticon
I am now on the ELMM diet : Eat Less,Move More.
I am doing my own thing too, and I also had to accept that i'll never be skinny again without surgery ( I wrote a blog about this Friday).

Losing weight and keeping it off is the hardest thing in the word but I think you're on the right track!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ROMNEY3 2/18/2013 2:47PM

    Oh yea, just do what works for you and don't EVER be afraid to be who you are. And other peole can just go jump off a cliff if they don't like it! From one going to fat forever girl, YOU GO GIRL!

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KNOWMOREBBK 2/16/2013 10:25AM

    Strong girl...

Comment edited on: 2/16/2013 10:26:06 AM

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MERRYMARY42 2/15/2013 9:04PM

    One day/step at a time, and you will do it

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GETFIT2LIVE 2/15/2013 1:28PM

    Do what works for you, that is the bottom line, and don't listen to those who would tell you any differently. And keep changing and tweaking and trying different things until you find what really does work best for you and what you can do for the rest of your life; that's the only way to maintain some measure of sanity and keep going.

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ARMONIA 2/15/2013 12:52PM

    Thanks for sharing that yoga program. I think I'll do it soon too.

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IRISHBEANERGAL 2/15/2013 12:33PM

*ditto* what Notaboutheface said...

Live your life to the fullest and the rest be d@mned!


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GOGOSHIRE 2/15/2013 12:16PM

    I haven't been reading blogs lately, but your disclaimer drew me in. Glad it did. You sound strong. I am a big believer in the 80/20 rule - I live by it as well, and I hope you find it works as well for you, too! xo

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ERIN1128 2/15/2013 12:08PM

    I think the 80% plan is a good idea - realistic without being too overly focused. :-)

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CHICAT63 2/15/2013 11:57AM

    You GO Girl !!! It's your life, I am here to support in what you are doing not what others want you do to. You know you, more than anyone!!!! emoticon

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NOTABOUTHEFACE 2/15/2013 11:32AM

    Screw what other people think. Screw what your body is *supposed* to do when X+Y=Z on paper but not on you. Screw people who do crap in the name of God and act fartherest from what He would want. Do what works for your mind, body and heart. People here, there and everywhere don't have to like it because you're not living your life for them. So pfffffft!


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SARAHJ19 2/15/2013 11:13AM

    I seriously love reading your blogs. You are honest, open and real. . I can't wait to see your next blogs about your progress, victories, changes, good times and bad times! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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-POOKIE- 2/15/2013 10:17AM

    Well I read your blog, and actually I think I always do when I see them because frankly you have your head screwed on right, you are not afraid to be frank and honest... and not afraid of admitting you need to change or need to better your efforts.

I think your planning ahead is a good idea.

I hope you make it work.

And feh to anybody who doesn't like your non-sugar coated blogs. Sugar free zones suit me just fine.

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KWEEKWEK 2/15/2013 9:54AM


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CALLIKIA 2/15/2013 9:53AM

    I don't ever make anyone read my blogs, but I'm sorry if this one didn't suit your was for me.

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GCHUNG 2/15/2013 9:48AM

    Wow - phew!!! Take small steps and build up habits they will stick. Be true to yourself. You can do this.

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Ready for a Restart?

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

My foot isn't healed.
I don't think it ever will be.

My weight likes to fluctuate the same 30 pounds.
It's better than gaining 100.

So what do I do now?

Best thing I can think to do is start over. Again.

I wish I could stop feeling like a failure, but it's better than giving up completely.

Will be weighing in on Monday (going away this weekend).
Will begin measuring everything once again.

The first 2 weeks are just logging what I'm doing. Then reassess and start cutting back.
And start adding in some exercise, even if it's just yoga for now.
I miss ST.
I miss feeling strong.
I already have plans to join the gym again once my paychecks kick in so I can get my muscles back.
It's the least I can do.
I don't like being squishy.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROMNEY3 2/13/2013 11:24AM

    So sorry you foot is not better. No great words of wisdom here either. Just know you have a support system here and and vent anytime. Take care do what of can, and enjoy your weekend away!

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KNOWMOREBBK 2/13/2013 10:09AM

    You sound INCREDIBLY frustrated.... beyond frustrated. It's good to regroup. Don't focus on what you can't do, but what you can do. What positive things are you doing... not just physically, but mentally. Give yourself a mental pep talk everyday. Every time the negative thoughts come at you, give yourself that mental pep talk. Instead of saying, "I'm fat" say "I'm strong and I'm beautiful." Because you are strong and you are beautiful and you are smart. Regroup. You can do this.

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TRENTDREAMER 2/13/2013 7:55AM

    "really I'm just pissed and sad and feeling really depressed. I'm having to accept the fact that I may now have to live the rest of my life as a disabled person. "
* emoticon emoticon

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SPUNKYDUCKY 2/13/2013 1:24AM

    My PF lasted 18 months at it's worst and still bothers me from time to time. It is not unusual...but it doesn't mean it will be there forever. And restarts can be great. I have made nearly 40 lbs of progress since October 9th (essentially got rid of my backslide and feel BETTER about myself then I did last time I was this weight). You can do it Esther. You have the support and you know how...

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ERIN1128 2/12/2013 11:58AM

    Hang in there sweetie! I'm so sorry you're feeling down, but we're all here for you.

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    Keep up the fight girl! I know it sucks, I have no words of wisdom you don't already know. I trust you're doing all you can with docs and switching if you feel they're failing you. Focus on the exercise you CAN do and not what you can't. That's the only thing helping me through my injury. Doesn't make it any mentally easier.

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CALLIKIA 2/12/2013 8:46AM

    I wish I could say that I'm happy about any of this...but really I'm just pissed and sad and feeling really depressed. I'm having to accept the fact that I may now have to live the rest of my life as a disabled person. And I don't know whether or not this would have happened if I hadn't tried so hard and pushed myself so hard to live healthy and exercise. I went from dreams of a half marathon to wishing I could just walk down my hall in the morning without wanting to just give up and crawl. I wish I wasn't sad. I wish I could find a way to push past it...but lately I'm just doing it begrudgingly. Because I'm fat. And I don't want to be fat. And I'll probably always be fat, but if I try then I can say it's not my fault that I'm fat.

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SUGIRL06 2/12/2013 8:37AM

    I'm sorry for all the things you miss doing but I am glad you are still fighting! I have been considering measuring and counting calories again. Despite eating Paleo almost all of the time now, I don't see any improvements in my body. I went up in jeans sizes. Boo! But then, I'm supposed to fuel when I'm lifting (which I'm doing now) so what to do? Good luck with your new plan! And you can do wonders with yoga - it will make you strong, it can burn calories, and it will hopefully give your foot a break!!

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CDCSMITH2013 2/12/2013 8:36AM

    It sounds like a good plan. Start in slow, get back as much as you can. Every step you make in a positive direction, counts as a win.

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So Here's the Thing...

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

...I have wanted to exercise...but I'm scared.

A lot has been happening in my world lately. First of all, I'm on day 22 of Whole30. Eight more days and I'm a free woman!! *lol* J/K. The discipline has been great and I'm loving whole foods a lot more. Plus, my energy and such is through the roof. Not today, though. Only working on about 5 hours a sleep today...and Mama needs more than 5 hours of sleep a night!

I've been working really hard on my YT channels. I have vlogged nearly every single day. (Basically, I forgot 2 nights ago and last night I didn't do it because I knew I wouldn't get through it without sobbing...which is the reason I didn't do it one other time earlier in the process.)

I got the call on January 16th and will be starting my new job on February 1st. I'm super, super excited about this. It's in my field, it's in my state, and it's in a higher tax bracket. All of this means that I won't have to move (which my kids are over the moon about as well) and I'll probably be in a new house very soon (I'm shooting for summer, but at least before next Christmas).

Hubs has an interview next week for a new job as well. I seriously have every finger and toe crossed on that one. He's interviewed with them 2 times before and hasn't landed a spot on the team. Maybe the 3rd time is the charm, as they say.

I've been super crazy busy at work as I try to finish things out. Plus we have some reports due this week so I even came in yesterday on the holiday to get some things done. It's been crazy, I tell you! I may just take a day off next week though to decompress before starting the new gig. No clue if that's actually going to happen...I will not leave my coworkers struggling if I can help it! I need to get as much done as I can before I leave.

My youngest son was informed that another spot was created for him from the school he attends for the All-State Children's Chorus. This will be his second year attending.

My oldest was informed that he has been placed in honor band. He will be performing at Marshall University on Friday and I couldn't be more proud of him! He absolutely loves band. He also loves making things with his hand and actually made me a bookshelf with his own two hands. It's beautiful and I absolutely love it. It's going to be featured in the new house for sure!! ;)

Finally, yesterday we got some of the saddest news in a very long time. My husband's grandfather passed away in his sleep. My mother-in-law found him yesterday morning. Needless to say she is more than torn up about it and I hate to see her so sad. We're all sad, though. I have been a part of my husband's family since I was about 13 years old, so his grandfather was my grandfather as well and my heart hurts to have lost such a brave, wise, and downright funny man. I told my husband last night that he is going to have to start telling me on a regular basis that I am the prettiest woman in the world...because his grandfather said this to me every single time I saw him. He would swear up and down, no matter what shape or size or manner of unkemptness, that I was prettier every single time he saw me. And it wasn't BS to him...I could tell by the way he doted on me. My absolute favorite moment of getting to know him was doing a paper on him for one of my college essays a few years ago. We talked about some of the crazy stunts he pulled as a kid, his time in the army...I just wish I had known him my entire life...or his entire life. He was a blessing to the world and I will miss him dearly.

So, the exercise thing, while on my mind, hasn't really mattered as of late. Things have been busy and crazy and happy and sad and up and down. I honestly feel more confident in my abilities, however, after getting through a birthday, landing a dream job, and now the death of a loved one without slipping into cheating myself and the Whole30 program. I have not been perfect. There have been a few misguided errors along the way, but I have been strong throughout, so I have confidence in myself moving forward.

...still... 8 days until I can have a few bites of dark chocolate...

Anyone know of any good plans for getting back into the exercise game slowly? Keep in mind I have no access to the gym right now and I even walking is frowned upon by my PT and podiatrist until the foot heals (and I'm honestly to the point where I'm not sure it ever really will).

Side note of strangeness: My feet finally shrank. Shrunk? Shrank? *sigh* They got smaller. I was a size 11 wide, now I wear a 10 - sometimes wide, sometimes medium. I still have to accommodate my ridiculously high arches (and, as the podiatrist puts it, "horrible bone structure" in my foot), but it has opened up my options for shoes at least. When I feel up to wearing something other than my tennis shoes with my inserts in them.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CYNDERROSE 1/23/2013 10:11PM

    I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather *hugs*

I've been reading "It Starts With Food" and plan on doing a Whole 30 of my own in the next few months.

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SASXONTHEMOVE 1/22/2013 7:21PM

    I second and third the yoga and pilates...aslo can you do a barre workout from home? using a chair? they can be great for flexibility and strength. also, you know i'm going to say yeah to weights. Also, is your PT helpful on things like that? If walking is outlawed until the PF is healed up, he should have suggestions to help you get through it...

It's hard to loose someone who you have known for more than half your life. He was truly a big part of it. I love the way you talk about him, I can feel how much you and your family love him. That will not change. And his love for you, your husband and boys will also never change.

Woot on your new job! That is such good news!

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4EVERADONEGIRL 1/22/2013 4:45PM

    Wow you sure have been through a lot, E! So sorry for the loss of your grandfather (in-law or not - who cares?!?!) I know that losing my Grandfather was truly one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. My grandparents had been married for over 50 years when he passed and it wasn't long after that my grandma slipped into delirium followed by Alzheimer's. I really truly believe that it was because she couldn't handle the loss of her beloved. I can't even imagine how difficult it must be...

So much love to you and your family as you deal with this difficult loss.

And on the other front - I'm so proud of you!!

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PAMAZON 1/22/2013 4:36PM

    Well goodness, your blog was like a roller coaster ride! So excited to hear about the new job, new house prospects, and your kid's musical successes. I'm also SO proud of you for hanging with the Whole30 for 22 days. You'll finish it up easily and enjoy your dark chocolate! It's right around the cornerl

So sorry to hear about your grandfather-in-law. Let me tell you that no amount of time or years will diminish his impact on you, or the impact of his love and adoration for you. You'll think about him fondly a lot, and remember all the sweet words he said. I'm glad your husband had him as a role model.

As for exercise, I would probably focus on ST first. Some basic muscle activation stuff, glute raises (bridges), core, squats. Just to get those muscles working and stronger so that you can get your cardio going without getting injured.

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ARUNNINGKAT 1/22/2013 2:32PM

    emoticon So sorry for your loss! What wonderful memories you have - thanks for sharing. And congrats on the new job! I am excited for you!

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ERIN1128 1/22/2013 2:28PM

    I'm so sorry for your loss. But YAY on the new job and everything else - sounds like your luck is finally turning. Well deserved!!!

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    There are some sitting videos available (youtube, sparks, etc) so that you have no impact on your feet. Videos are free at the library too. Upper body and core *stuff* can get your heart rate up - try arm circles, planks and pushups (on your knees so no strain on your foot). Yoga poses, pilates - all modified for your foot of course. Air bicycling (on your backside, legs up, pretend to pedal a bike - ahhh old school lol).

All in all, it sounds like you are doing well considering the road blocks being put in your path!

Keep up the great work!


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MAGPIE17 1/22/2013 12:36PM

    Hugs, Es. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think yoga and pilates are an excellent place to start. You tried boxing at some point, didn't you? What about shadow boxing? Moving your arms quickly enough for the punches should get your heartrate up!

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CALLIKIA 1/22/2013 12:27PM

    Thanks, you guys. Again, no pool. Not an option right now. I too have been thinking to do planks, pushups, crunches, etc. just to get myself going. Yoga would be a great tool as well because the PF has caused me to lose a considerable amount of my leg flexibility...and this is what I need to heal the sucker. And call the chiro and set up another appointment.

Y'all are great. It's like I KNOW these things myself, but sometimes I'm just to scatter-brained to put them all together. February plan will include adding in regular Yoga and ST exercises. My FIL even has a weight bench I can use once or twice a week to build my upper body strengths or even do deadlifts (though not too heavy).

Having a "gym" in my own house is seriously tops on my list for my next residence.

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 1/22/2013 11:50AM

    Glad to hear whole30 is going so well, and I'm so proud that you didn't use the death of your grandfather to derail you.

What about getting back into pilates and yoga. I remember a while ago when you were just killing the yoga poses and flexibilty.

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NOTABOUTHEFACE 1/22/2013 11:36AM

    I'm so sorry for your loss, it is horrible when you lose someone so supportive and wonderful as life seems to have less and less people who make you feel awesome about yourself these days. (Or maybe this is just my experience) But on the upside it sounds like everything else is really coming together!

Speaking of my experience, I'm on week 6 of "no impact" exercise and while I'm testing the boundaries of my foot, the stuff I did early on was all abs, free weights/upper body stuff. Push ups on the knees, all that stuff. I'm not going to tell you swimming because I don't know about you but I'm not paying just so I can get on my feet, drive to the Y or wherever, undress with strangers, suit up and feel weird about my body in front of strangers (I know you don't have this issue, you're a swimmer), undress, hobble out, drive home and dread the next session. It's just too much to even process so I used 5 lb weights and "swam" on the floor. Kicked mah feet, did a weighted stroke and got the heart rate up.

Have you gone to a chiro? Mine is doing wonders for my foot issue, laser and vibration therapy and can likely help with "horrible bone structure." If I wouldn't get sued, I'd go in and punch my podiatrist in the throat for setting me back 3 weeks. It's $40 per appt and I go once a week. He said this should be a short term thing and no chiro should ever have a patient for life. Might want to look into it.

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ABEAUTIFULMESS1 1/22/2013 11:24AM

    I'm sorry about your loss!! I'm glad that you have such fond memories of him though- I know that it doesn't make it hurt less or take the loss away, but having those fun memories are a huge help when grieving! As for slowing getting back into working out- I'm doing the same thing- I would start with 1 or 2 days a week, do that for a week or two, then add another day...stick with it for 2 weeks, add another day, etc etc. Do you have a swimming pool available to you that you would be able to use? That might be a good way to get some cardio in without putting so much stress on your foot. You're doing great!!! Keep up the good work! emoticon

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CALLIKIA 1/22/2013 11:22AM

    No gym = no pool = no swimming. Maybe things will change when the job changes, or if Hubs gets a new job, but for now it's a no-go.

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MANLEYSANDY 1/22/2013 11:13AM

    Congrats on your new job and I am sorry for your loss!


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-POOKIE- 1/22/2013 10:46AM

    I think you have done amazing staying so focused!

Can you go back to swimming to avoid any impact on your heels?

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