Wednesday, February 20, 2013
I haven't done anything.
I'm a big, fat liar.
Seriously, none of my clothes fit anymore.
I've never been one of those "I can't get motivated" people, but for some reason I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I honestly, 100% feel trapped in this body and in my own life.
I'm bitter and angry and I cry pretty much every day.
What happens to the girl who gets everything she ever wanted from life? She ends of miserable because she made so many sacrifices to get there.
I have a great job. I work with great people.
And I wake up every day still hating my life because I know I have to be seen.
I hate how I look. But, more than that, I hate how I feel. Fat. Bloated. Gross.
I can't move because of my knees and my foot and my back all hurt.
So I've been asking myself why I haven't started myself back down the path I know will help.
Not work. Help.
First of all, I'm still angry and bitter.
I did everything I was supposed to do and I failed. And I cannot even begin to tell you how pissed off I still am. Do you know how hard it is to go workout and make yourself hurt SO much (even more now thanks to the foot/ankle) AND deprive yourself of what everyone around you is eating just so you can be LESS FAT. No, seriously. Imagine for a minute that someone told you, "I don't care what you do...starve yourself for the next five years...go ahead and try...you will NEVER lose this weight. You will NEVER be thin." Now go get the motivation to go do the right thing.
I know I'm not SUPPOSED to think that way. But anyone who says that can screw off. Because they didn't get to live through 2012 as me.
Nealy everyone I've started this journey with is done already.
So I've tried another route. Just ignoring that. Chancing that THIS time will be different (though I know it won't). If I just work hard enough this time, but take it REALLY slow (like not seeing a goal weight until I'm 60 years old and too damn old to live the life I've imagined) maybe it will work.
So I tell myself to go to the gym. Because I know that's how it works for me. I can't do food first and exercise later like most of you. Exercise is the answer to me. When I work out I feel better, when I feel better I want to workout, and when I'm feeling great I don't want to eat crap foods because I have more of a training my body mentality.
Problem is...I can't go to the gym. I am LITERALLY trapped.
My husband now goes to work with me every day. We carpool into the city because his car is crap and it literally creaks and makes noises like it's going to fall apart under you when you drive it. He drives MAYBE once a week...the rest of the time we're together. And he only works 1/2 a day...which means he drops me off, waits 2 hours, works 4, waits another 2 and then we go home. I can't ask him to wait any longer. I already feel pressured to leave work early even though that's not really my style. Oh, and did I mention that we have to rush home on Wednesdays because Logan has to be picked up from after school band practice?
All of this would be different if:
Hubs had a different job. He had a second interview last week and we have to wait 2-3 weeks to hear anything.
We lived in town. But we can't even start looking at houses because Hubs has no clue on the job and because I still have not yet gotten a paycheck from the new job.
It's all a game of hurry up and wait. And while I'm waiting I've gained 40 pounds in 3 weeks. And, no, I am not exaggerating.
*pulls hair out*
I do NOT like being this angry, nasty, bitter person. Trying to figure out how to fix this but there's nothing I can do but WAIT...I've never been all that great at WAITING. I've been WAITING for my foot to heal for over a year now. Fat lot of good that did. I don't do waiting. I do action. I do movement. I am a shark.
So how do I stop being who I am for the next 4 weeks to 4 months so:
- We can find out about the job
- We can move into a new house
- I can workout without the gym
- I can eat right without working out
No, seriously...I need some friggin' help here. HATE this. HATE IT.
Friday, February 15, 2013
I have decided I cannot wait until March 1st, so I'm going to start now. Well, Monday. But only because I'm going out of town this weekend and it would be beyond stupid to pile on something else with what I already have planned (and the driving...the driving is going to kill me. I used to LOVE driving...I've driven so many places in my life...but now it's just pain the whole way. I can manage with the cruise control pretty well, but it still hurts to be in that position for very long).
February 18th Weigh In
February 18-February 23
Eat a Paleo diet - Whole30 Approved when possible
No more than 2 lunches out
Start measuring food and recording it.
Yoga week 1
Day 1: yoga.about.com/od/beginningyoga/a/30
Week 1: yoga.about.com/od/beginningyoga/a/30
Feburary 24th Weigh In
Feburary 24-March 3
Eat a Paleo Diet - Whole 30 Approved when possible
EXCEPT February 28th and March 1st, which will be dinners out
No more than 1 lunch out
Measure and record all food, but don't stress if you can't record the dinners out
Yoga week 2: yoga.about.com/od/beginningyoga/a/30
March 3rd Weigh In
Eat a Paleo Diet - Whole 30 Approved when possible
No more than 2 lunches out
Measure and record all food
Yoga week 3: yoga.about.com/od/beginningyoga/a/30
March 10 Weigh In
Eat a Paleo Diet - Whole 30 Approved when possible
EXCEPT March 15-16 (out of town visiting a friend for her B-day)
No more than 1 lunch out
Measure and record all food until the 15th
Yoga week 4: yoga.about.com/od/beginningyoga/a/30
How is the foot?
Can we start walking? If so, put a walking plan into place.
Start slow and work your way up.
You can probably move on to more advanced Yoga for sure. Add in some advanced moves and try to perfect them each morning with your routine.
Add in afternoon or evening walks if your foot feels up to it. If not, add in some lifting or ST routine to your evening, even if it's squats by the stove as you cook.
On March 18, begin your Paleo/Whole30 Diet.
See if what you're eating throughout the day fits into suggested calorie counts. If not, adjust.
Don't let yourself eat out more than 2 times a week, and even then try to stay Paleo. You can have bread now and again on a lunch out, but not every day.
Dinners out for the rest of the March - at least one. A date night with Hubs on either March 22 or March 29. Go out. Enjoy. Don't stress over your diet. Give yourself the night off and just enjoy life.
Look, I've come to realize that I can't do this like the rest of you. I can't just set strict rules and diet because there is NO END IN SIGHT and I'm about to lose my ever-loving mind. What happens is my body stalls out and no matter how hard I push it won't budge, so I go off the rails and do what I've done in the past - I have no rules and eat whatever I want and go back to my binge and emotional eating disorder habits. Because that's what's safe. I know what to expect. I could eat on plan every day for 3 months and gain 10 pounds instead of losing. I never know what my body is going to do when I'm pushing it. But when I let it go, it does what it does best - gain, then maintain.
So how do I break this mentality and keep my sanity? Especially right now when everything is crazy and stressful? I have to let myself have my moments. If I stick to a "plan" about 80% of the time, it shouldn't hurt too awful bad when the other 20% rears its ugly head. I have to be able to visit my friends and celebrate holidays and go have a date with my husband at least once or twice a month. I have to formulate and build and expand upon those relationships, because they've had to live through me being so frustrated with my inability to lose weight and have had angry mom for way too long. If my child and I are out and he wants Frozen Yogurt because we never have it, I want him to not be afraid to ask. I also want the willpower to not let his eating habits affect my own. Just because he has yogurt doesn't mean I have to have some if I don't really want it. But it also means I CAN have some if I do.
I have no clue if this method will work. I'm used to 2-3 years of hard work followed by a year or so of just eating whatever I want, gaining back 30-50 pounds and then coming back for another couple years of hard fighting.
I have no illusions that I will ever be skinny. I gave up on that dream. And you can tell me to think positively, but wishing for something that can never happen just hurts me. I will never, and I do mean NEVER, match the vision in my head of how I see myself. But I can enjoy my life and not hate myself or my body if I just learn to accept who I am and what I really have to work with. Hopefully I can firm up. Maybe one day I'll be able to get some of this crap removed from me (which, honestly, might be the only way I'll rid myself of it). I'm not one of the lucky ones, but I can't be bitter and hate those of you who are. You decided to lose weight and didn't have a bump in the road the whole way and now you're happy and healthy and doing commercials? Good for you. My path is different.
I've had too many people along the way tell me I think the wrong way or I'm doing the wrong thing. I've had people here tell me I'm pushing too hard while others tell me to push harder. Which is it? What I've come to realize is that I'm tired living in everyone else's world and mind. I have to accept who I am - even if that's a little bit sarcastic and a whole lot of sass and not the most optimistic. Whatever. It's gotten me this far, right? I look around at what I've done with my life with who I am and not who everyone wanted me to be and the only thing I'm sad about is that I didn't accept myself sooner. My whole life I had everyone telling me I should hide things about myself, be a different person, act differently, think differently, BE different completely. I tried. I honestly 100% tried. I can't. And I'm tired of trying.
I'm the girl who IS sarcastic and probably too pessimistic.
I'm the girl everyone gets to say "I told you so!" when something good happens that I didn't expect, because I've fought so long for something that never happened and never happened and then BOOM! there it is.
I have sass and flare. I make a TON of mistakes. I curse when my children are around.
I don't attend church regularly because I believe that a lot of it is a farce and some of the meanest people I've met have done horrible things to me and the people I love and then claimed they were "good, Christian people". I will make my own ideas about religion and God and they will probably center more around treating other people with respect and dignity and basic human kindness.
I will be a staunch supporter of equal rights (SO glad I don't have to hide that one anymore) for EVERYONE. Because people are people and no stupid relgion in the world can make any rational argument as to why some people are better than others because of whatever characteristic about them is different.
What's more, I will argue with you if I feel you ARE being stupid about these topics. I'm not going to turn a blind eye anymore. (Like I said, thankfully my job change means I CAN be more open and honest about this.) I'm not doing it to hurt your feelings, but if you want to isolate an entire group of people or bring some sort of hate upon them - I have a responsiblity to say SOMETHING...even though I know you won't listen.
I'm going to allow myself to be bold while still trying to be kind. There is a fine line between "If you don't have anything nice to say..." and "The only way for evil to succeed is for good people to do nothing..." (and I'm not looking up either of those to make sure they're right).
I'm going to dare to be wrong.
I'm going to dare to have fun and look stupid doing it.
I'm going to beg for forgiveness and not ask for permission.
Why? Because it's MY DAMN LIFE.
I have to live it...not you.
And I'm not happy being someone that makes you happy to be around.
I will take other people's feelings into account, but I will not allow myself to be degraded and put down and smashed into the ground and made to feel insignificant just so YOU can feel okay/good about yourself. I have to stop sacrificing myself ALL THE DAMN TIME.
And as far as health and diet is concerned...I am going to stop apologizing for being human.
I'm going to stop feeling like I failed ALL OF YOU because I have this major injury. I'm going to allow myself the safe and easy recovery time I need. Even if that means I can't ever run again. I wanted to prove you all wrong...all you who thought I couldn't or shouldn't run. And, honestly, I did. I spent a whole month running a 5k EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND. I ran 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 miles straight. Did I get hurt? Yes. But not one doctor attributes my injury to my running, and neither do I. I attribute it to horrible bone structure, lack of stretching (that's my impatience coming out...), and inability to purchase appropriate equipment. I also attribute some of it to the people who wouldn't listen when I told them I needed help. It took a lot for me to stand in front of that guy and tell him I was a runner and needed new shoes. Instead of fitting me like they do everyone else, he got me in and out as fast as possible and I have no doubt he didn't believe me for a second. To him, I was a joke. And, yes, I lay some fault with him.
So there it is. My plan..and a rant. Because I needed to get it out of me. I'm ready to move on with my life, and part of that is accepting that I'm not one of those quick in-and-out dieters. I'm going to be at this my ENTIRE life and will probably never reach my goal without some sort of surgical intervention. Take it or leave it.
Oh, and one last thing. I'm the girl who changes her plans...so be prepared to see this one get morphed into something else. I'm still not sure if Paleo is really what I want for myself. I think I like clean eating better. I think if I can adapt Paleo and Jamie Eason's eating plan in the LiveFit program together I might be able to live with that and do it forever. Part whole eating, part Paleo, part vegetarian. I've never EVER been all of one thing in my life, why did I think I would be this time? I want to see cheese and bread and sweets in my future - so I have to learn to adapt those or accept those in moderation or something. We shall see what comes of it. I'll label it the Esther Diet and sell billions of book and have people eating out of my hands in no time!! ;)
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
My foot isn't healed.
I don't think it ever will be.
My weight likes to fluctuate the same 30 pounds.
It's better than gaining 100.
So what do I do now?
Best thing I can think to do is start over. Again.
I wish I could stop feeling like a failure, but it's better than giving up completely.
Will be weighing in on Monday (going away this weekend).
Will begin measuring everything once again.
The first 2 weeks are just logging what I'm doing. Then reassess and start cutting back.
And start adding in some exercise, even if it's just yoga for now.
I miss ST.
I miss feeling strong.
I already have plans to join the gym again once my paychecks kick in so I can get my muscles back.
It's the least I can do.
I don't like being squishy.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
...I have wanted to exercise...but I'm scared.
A lot has been happening in my world lately. First of all, I'm on day 22 of Whole30. Eight more days and I'm a free woman!! *lol* J/K. The discipline has been great and I'm loving whole foods a lot more. Plus, my energy and such is through the roof. Not today, though. Only working on about 5 hours a sleep today...and Mama needs more than 5 hours of sleep a night!
I've been working really hard on my YT channels. I have vlogged nearly every single day. (Basically, I forgot 2 nights ago and last night I didn't do it because I knew I wouldn't get through it without sobbing...which is the reason I didn't do it one other time earlier in the process.)
I got the call on January 16th and will be starting my new job on February 1st. I'm super, super excited about this. It's in my field, it's in my state, and it's in a higher tax bracket. All of this means that I won't have to move (which my kids are over the moon about as well) and I'll probably be in a new house very soon (I'm shooting for summer, but at least before next Christmas).
Hubs has an interview next week for a new job as well. I seriously have every finger and toe crossed on that one. He's interviewed with them 2 times before and hasn't landed a spot on the team. Maybe the 3rd time is the charm, as they say.
I've been super crazy busy at work as I try to finish things out. Plus we have some reports due this week so I even came in yesterday on the holiday to get some things done. It's been crazy, I tell you! I may just take a day off next week though to decompress before starting the new gig. No clue if that's actually going to happen...I will not leave my coworkers struggling if I can help it! I need to get as much done as I can before I leave.
My youngest son was informed that another spot was created for him from the school he attends for the All-State Children's Chorus. This will be his second year attending.
My oldest was informed that he has been placed in honor band. He will be performing at Marshall University on Friday and I couldn't be more proud of him! He absolutely loves band. He also loves making things with his hand and actually made me a bookshelf with his own two hands. It's beautiful and I absolutely love it. It's going to be featured in the new house for sure!! ;)
Finally, yesterday we got some of the saddest news in a very long time. My husband's grandfather passed away in his sleep. My mother-in-law found him yesterday morning. Needless to say she is more than torn up about it and I hate to see her so sad. We're all sad, though. I have been a part of my husband's family since I was about 13 years old, so his grandfather was my grandfather as well and my heart hurts to have lost such a brave, wise, and downright funny man. I told my husband last night that he is going to have to start telling me on a regular basis that I am the prettiest woman in the world...because his grandfather said this to me every single time I saw him. He would swear up and down, no matter what shape or size or manner of unkemptness, that I was prettier every single time he saw me. And it wasn't BS to him...I could tell by the way he doted on me. My absolute favorite moment of getting to know him was doing a paper on him for one of my college essays a few years ago. We talked about some of the crazy stunts he pulled as a kid, his time in the army...I just wish I had known him my entire life...or his entire life. He was a blessing to the world and I will miss him dearly.
So, the exercise thing, while on my mind, hasn't really mattered as of late. Things have been busy and crazy and happy and sad and up and down. I honestly feel more confident in my abilities, however, after getting through a birthday, landing a dream job, and now the death of a loved one without slipping into cheating myself and the Whole30 program. I have not been perfect. There have been a few misguided errors along the way, but I have been strong throughout, so I have confidence in myself moving forward.
...still... 8 days until I can have a few bites of dark chocolate...
Anyone know of any good plans for getting back into the exercise game slowly? Keep in mind I have no access to the gym right now and I even walking is frowned upon by my PT and podiatrist until the foot heals (and I'm honestly to the point where I'm not sure it ever really will).
Side note of strangeness: My feet finally shrank. Shrunk? Shrank? *sigh* They got smaller. I was a size 11 wide, now I wear a 10 - sometimes wide, sometimes medium. I still have to accommodate my ridiculously high arches (and, as the podiatrist puts it, "horrible bone structure" in my foot), but it has opened up my options for shoes at least. When I feel up to wearing something other than my tennis shoes with my inserts in them.
Monday, January 14, 2013
I haven't been shy about the fact that I've devoted the first 1/2 of Whole30 to attempting to heal my heel (okay, my PF...same diff). After several days of lowered, but still there irritation and pain I've come to realize that it's as good as it's going to get for now without help from me. So I'm going to help it out.
Step 1: Stretching
The doctor (physical therapist) has assigned me 4 different things to do two to three times a day.
1) The golf ball roll.
I always heard a tennis ball was best, but she's telling me I need the hard and small golf ball to really get the work done. I have one in my bag with me always now. The idea is to roll my foot on it three times a day for however long I can stand so that I can break down the nasty collagen and build back up the good stuff.
2) The calf stretch.
I have to put my injured foot behind me, straight, and my other knee bent and then lean into the wall. This should stretch the muscles that run up my foot/ankle/leg, especially my calf. The stiffness in my leg is a bit crazy considering I haven't worked on in so long.
3) The calf stretch, part deux.
Same as above, except with my bad knee bent as well. This stretches different leg muscles and is just as important.
4) The arch massage.
Three times a day I'm supposed to massage my arch for about 30 seconds at least. This does the same as number one. The bonus? I use lotion when I massage and so my feet are getting softer already! *lol*
Step 2: Flexibility Through Exercise
I need to start out my workout routine with exercise that help improve my flexibility and do not require me to bounce or jump on my foot/ankle. Now if I could get to the pool or a bike, I would totally do that, but I simply can't work that out right now. Instead I'll be trying the following:
I have at least 2 yoga DVDs and I'm not afraid of getting more. I will try to take the bounce out of Yoga Meltdown (by Jillian Michaels) as well and use that for an extra HR bump if possible. (But if she stresses the foot too much, she'll be kicked out of rotation.)
I have one pilates DVD. I hate Pilates because it seems to be more painful than Yoga to me. But I will give it another try because it MIGHT just work out the kinks...if I can get past the initial OUCH stage.
- UFC Ultimate Trainer
I got this for myself as a gift for Christmas (a Black Friday deal!), but I have yet to try it out. I believe you can build your own workouts, so I think if I put in a lot of strength training stuff I should be good. My PT actually encourages lunges (even though they hurt me) because it might help increase flexibility in my foot/ankle.
- Strength Training
I have been at this long enough that I should be able to set up a routine. And my FIL has a weight set in his garage that I've been told I'm welcome to use. I may take him up on that offer because for right now my PT doesn't even suggest walking. I need something to build my strength back up.
Here's the thing - Whole30 has done wonders to debloat me and shrink me, but I can tell I'm all mushy inside right now. Two months off of my heavy duty workouts makes for a squishy Esther. I may not be able to do much of a calorie burn right now in my workouts, but I can build more muscle, which will help increase my all-over calorie burn throughout the day. So that's the plan. I gave the foot it's time...and it healed up quite a bit on its own. But Whole30 is not a complete miracle for me. I have to take steps to help reap the benefits. So for the next 16 days, that will include some strength and flexibility and stretching.
For now, there is no set plan other than to do at least 15-20 minutes every weeknight and to get my stretches done 3 times a day, every single day, even if they aren't evenly spaced out (my OCD sometimes keeps me from my task, I'm realizing).
1/2 of January is almost up. How are you spending your time?
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