Friday, November 30, 2012
Quick update...or lack of one, actually.
Yes, I am alive.
My weight is holding pretty steady but I am getting more lumpy because working out has become impossible. My little foot issue turned into a huge foot issue and now I'm worried it might mean surgery. Months ago I was begging to be able to run again, but now is be happy just to walk without constant pain. I'm wearing the inserts the doc ordered for me and rehabbing as best I can with stretches every day (trying to remember to do it 3 times a day).
Also dealing with some financial stuff as Hubs and I are still trying to find better jobs (Hibs had an interview today). I got promoted in title but not pay at work, so I'm busier than ever. It is what it is.
Anyhow, wanted to share a few things with you.
1) I'm shooting for a serious goal of Jan 1st to literally be back on my feet. I hope it happens! I miss working out!
2) this picture:
I knew there was a picture here somewhere from the very beginning, when I was 466.6 pounds. Sad, right? This was the me that was pretty much bed-ridden. I'm not where I want to be yet (running, lifting, swimming and in and around a size 16/18) but I'm certainly not there anymore.
Here's a couple new pics from our family photo shoot just before Thanksgiving:
I hope everyone is doing well and having a good holiday. I promise if I wasn't so darn busy right now is be over here driving you all crazy like before. Here's hoping things settle down for that soon enough! ;)
Thursday, November 01, 2012
Some of you have caught on that even though I've gone silent, I've been a tiny bit more talkative over at my home blog:
That being said, thank you for the well wishes and concern from some of you. I honestly wish I had more to give you today than I do, but you at least deserve an explanation. So here's the short of it...for the long of it, head over to my blog.
I didn't get the job.
A guy at my work, the one I felt was promoted "over" me...he got the job.
I let 20k more a year, a better work environment, a beautiful office, amazeballs benefits, and security for my family slip through my fingers and I can't figure out what I did to get that dreadful call of, "You are amazing! You would be an asset to the company! But we're going to go with AHOLE."
I am more bitter than I should be. I am angry and sad and I am not about to go explaining that to a bunch of people who may or may not understand who I am, what I've been through in my life, and why it kills me so much to be denied yet again.
I haven't spoken up because I know what I'll hear. I'll hear crap about cherishing what I have when what I really need to hear is my husband's voice in my ear letting me vent and get angry while he cheers me on and says things like, "You're right. It sucks. They're stupid. They're going to regret it. D-bag is a d-bag and probably did some shady stuff to land it behind your back."
That's what I need.
That's why I haven't shared.
Because what I love about most of you is your ability to see the bright side.
But while I love that about you, it makes me want to rip people's throats out right now because my "bright side" is that I've managed to not kill anyone yet.
Yes, it's been that serious for me.
And admitting that has been something else I haven't wanted to do here.
I also didn't want to admit that the anxiety, stress, guilt, anger, and full on grief over this situation has caused me to gain 20 pounds and caused my pants to get tight again. I'm eating candy for lunch because I need to punish myself for being a failure.
WAIT! Stop! Before you start complimenting me and saying stuff like "You're not a failure! Look at how far you've come!" I'm begging you to save that for later when I've pulled myself out of this mental quagmire of self-hate. I'M BEGGING YOU TO SAVE IT FOR ME. I promise I'll need it later. I can't appreciate it now. I'm just trying to explain, especially to those of you that have asked.
That being said, you can also hold on to the "You're so amazing because you keep going no matter what!" comments too. PLEASE. But, yes, I'm still trying to set goals. I have nothing else in my life I can control. I let that opportunity slip away and I know from searching for jobs for years now that there aren't other opportunities this perfect. They don't exist. Not here. Not in the perfect situation that would have allowed me to finally provide for my family in the way that they deserve and stay in the place where I've finally been able to make friends.
I just wanted to come here and let you know that life's just been really hard right now. And, yes, I keep telling myself there are people with bigger problems, but that doesn't help and I need some time to validate my emotions and find the other side of this mess of disappointment.
I just thought you deserved some idea as to what's going on.
I might be back.
I can't make promises right now.
I would LOVE to feel better about myself and my life.
I'd love to regain control and be back here pushing myself to lose the last 100 pounds or so and finally reach my goals.
But right now it's a struggle just to get up in the morning.
But I wanted to thank you of thinking of me.
And I wish all of you nothing but the best and brightest in life.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
I cannot seem to stop falling apart each day. The stress and anxiety has become too much for me and I can't even see straight anymore. All I can seem to focus on is next Monday, so I'm not getting much else done.
And I've decided that is okay.
October 15th could be a huge day for me. It could mean a change to my life, or it could drop me down the hole of dispair and depression - depending on the outcome. Have I ever told you all how much I hate depending upon other people for what I want? I hate loss of control...
And yet all I can do right now with my eating is lose control. At least, that's what it feels like. I'm not myself. I try hard to be, but I fall apart.
And that is OKAY.
Because I've already made a promise to myself that things will look very different starting October 16th. Whatever Monday holds for me, I can't control that. And I can't seem to keep my emotions in check until then either. But on October 16th, I am taking control back. I'm not sure what that's going to look like. Honestly I'm considering another attempt at Whole30 because I hate this fog hat I've been wearing lately and day 6 of Whole30 was the first time in MONTHS I didn't experience fog hat all day. It's far enough away from Thanksgiving where I wouldn't feel pressured and upset and worked up. I could get my 30 days in and then gradually let myself put things back in to see what's causing the severe fog hat, because I would love to never have to suffer through it again.
I haven't totally 100% decided what October 16th will look like, but I do know that it will be the start of me taking back control of my life, my choices, and my path toward my goals. I know it will include meal planning and probably giving up junk food and fast food for a little while. And I'm going to find some workout plan that doesn't upset the PF too much and allows me to burn some calories and attempt to get myself back to the firm(er) body I now seriously miss.
I glimpsed the other side of the 300s. I want to get back there. And I want to start making serious strides toward my eventual goal of reaching 230 (and then I'll reevaluate and see if I need to do more). I think I just got scared. Life got in the way. I got complacent. And then I got very, very anxious. The only thing I can be thankful for right now is that I haven't gone completely off the rails and ruined every bit of progress I had since April 2010.
The return of the Esther we all know and love...
Coming to a Spark Blog near you, October 16, 2012.
Sunday, October 07, 2012
Look, things need to change. And they need to change right now. Thankfully, with all the crap I've been through this year, I haven't yet managed to gain a crapton of weight. That's a plus. In fact, I weighed in this morning at 309.6...which is about what I started this year out as, so we've had a year of yo-yo, but at least I'm keeping things in check for the most part. The only thing is, I'm tired and I want to get off this ride.
So I'm starting over.
Back to the beginning.
Step 1 only, before on to step two.
I already know this week is going to be crazy. I need to prep for probably the biggest interview of my life so the stress is going to be through the roof. My foot still hurts a lot too no matter how long I wear this insert for, so I don't even know how much the custom inserts are going to work or when they'll come. I can't count on anything except this - I will look, listen, and pay at least a little attention so that when the dust settles I'm ready to start again.
I'm going into this with the same mentality as I had in 2010. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know if it's going to work. I just know I'm going to try. And I can't jump right into 5 day a week 1-hour workouts at the gym killing myself and eating 1200 calories hoping to make it through the day without killing someone. Right now, I can't think about restrictions. I need to only think about one thing this week and, I hate to say it, my health and well-being in the long run is not it.
Step One - Log everything.
That's all I'm requiring myself to do right now. Log everything I eat. I don't care how many calories it is or what kind of food. I can't think about that right now. Just log it so I have a new foundation to start from and get back in the habit of being accountable and logging everything.
Starting Weight: 309.6
Goal for the week: LOG EVERYTHING
No current weight goals.
Monday, October 01, 2012
Weight September 1st: 296.4
Weight October 1st: 308.0
Awesome. *sigh* FML
So much for breaking a plateau.
And so much for Whole30 because it friggin' fell apart on me this Friday.
Look, my life is a mess right now. A full on, full out mess. Every piece is hanging on by a thread and I spend most of my time crying or wishing I could bury myself in the ground. No lie. That means this whole dieting and exercise thing is just one more thing I'm failing at right now and it hasn't been going well in my mind. I feel like a complete and utter failure. I've lost ZERO pounds in 2012. ZERO. So for all those looking for motivation from me. I have none. There's the door. I suck. Period.
I think the whole thing really fell apart when I realized that working out was killing me. I have another appointment with the podiatrist tomorrow and I'm getting casted for custom inserts. Yay! *sarcasm* I friggin' hate being a freak. And I do not have the money for any of this, btw. So yay for going deeper into debt just so I can walk again...because I hurt myself FROM LOSING WEIGHT. I'm seriously about THIS far from the end of my rope and if ONE person says, "Look how far you've come!" I think I'll jump. How far have I come? I have LESS mobility NOW than I did over 120-170 pounds ago. I have MORE pain NOW than I did then. And I've been told by several doctors that LOSING weight is actually to blame for all of this. It's the dirty secret that no one likes to tell you. Some people can lose the weight and their lives are improved 100-fold for it. The majority of people, actually. And then there are us freaks in the world who should've just stayed fat because now we're STILL fat but MORE miserable and in CONSTANT pain and a mental wreck because not only are we HUNGRY but we're HURTING too. All because we tried to do something good and lose weight. So don't tell me to look at how far I've come. I wish I was back in 2010 when I had lost a little weight and felt great. Yep. Great heart...which means I get to be in pain THAT much longer. Thanks for reminding me.
Anyhow, it's October. And we set goals at the first of the month, right? That's what we're supposed to do. Well, since I can't workout for anything because just driving my car sends shooting pains up my right leg - I have to focus on food. Again. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of watching everyone around me enjoy fall and pumpkin flavored everything and I'm eating like a friggin' bird over here and not losing a pound. But, whatever, right. I'm the freak of the family. Gotta deal with the cards we're dealt. (Oh my god...now I'm going to have to wear those shoes. *bangs head on desk repeatedly*)
So, here's the plan. For whatever it's worth because it probably won't work either...
"Eat Mostly Paleo, Minus Four"
By "mostly Paleo" I plan on following the guidelines for eating Paleo the majority of the time. And I'll try to be as strict as Whole30 most of the time I'm doing it. What does that mean?
* No Alcohol
Honestly, this one's pretty easy for me as I'm not really a drinker. A glass of wine with friends now and again, but when do I have time for outings with friends anyhow? *lol*
* No Sugars
I honestly think this is one of the biggest ones for my family. We've noticed a lot of foods that have sugar that we would not have expected. The only rule breakers I will allow for this one are - our deli meat, which is the healthiest one we can find and has natural sugars and not that much, and bacon, because I dare you to even attempt to find bacon that is free of sugar and dextrose both. We have yet to find it. So I will allow the occassional few slices of nitrate-free bacon. The rest of our sugar will come from fruit. Oh, and my coffee creamer.
* No Grains
This one is the one I thought would be the hardest for me to get used to...but it really wasn't all that hard. I'm going to see if keeping these away from me will help with the bloat issues.
* No Legumes (including soy and peanuts)
I honestly don't know if I agree with this one, so it might fly out the window. I guess I need to reread this chapter but I don't remember them having a solid argument for legumes. Soy, yes. I don't really need an estrogen supplement right now, thank you. But as for things like great northern beans or chickpeas? Hrm...not sure on those. We'll see though.
* No Dairy
Okay, this one is sticking in my house with on major exception - coffee creamer. I'm sorry...I can go without coffee creamer if I have some half & half and I can even go without coffee if I have some tea with either sweetener or half & half and sweetener...but to strip it all away? It just hasn't led to very good mornings for me and I don't start the day on a very good foot. I will be measuring my creamer, though. I found a great little shot glass type Tbsp measuring cup at WalMart which I will be picking up so that I can measure out my creamer and make sure I don't go crazy with it.
* No Potatoes
Okay, this one also doesn't have a firm, solid basis for it...but we do rely too heavily on potatoes in our house. So I'm saying potatoes only once a week for a vegetable. The rest of the time we have to branch out and eat things like squash and spinach and peppers and carrots and broccoli and cauliflower.
Other rules I like:
* No snacking
I honestly don't know how much of a 'rule' this is. I see people on Whole30 snacking throughout the day on fruit and nuts, but I remember reading "Do not snack unless you must" or something to that nature. Which to me is a pretty good rule. I'm getting back to my 3 solid meals a day. It saves me from grazing. If I'm feeling extremely hungry, I'll go ahead and eat a snack, but it does not have to be an all day every day kind of thing. Snacking for me can turn into an all-day binge without me even realizing it.
* Stop eating a couple hours before bed
Sometimes I can't follow this rule because time gets away from us and our day is so jam-packed...but for the most part I need to try to stop eating at least 2 hours before bedtime. This will help with the late night cravings.
* Don't miss a meal
If at all possible, try to stick to a schedule for meals 1, 2 and 3. This will help with the no snacking rule. And missing a meal is like inviting my binge monster over for tea. It doesn't end well.
I'm giving myself four meals. Note, not four DAYS, but four meals where I can break one or two rules. Not ALL of the rules. I need to be conscious of what I'm doing. Four times this month I will allow myself to eat a meal that doesn't exactly follow the rules.
Why I think this is important:
Life happens, and I'm a busy girl. Sometimes, just sometimes, I'm so exhausted from my life that I would like for someone else to cook for me. Or, sometimes, just sometimes, I would like to spend an evening out with my husband without feeling guilty about it. If you can't enjoy these moments in life, then what the hell IS the point of living? Four will be hard enough for me with the demons I'm already fighting. It means if I go to Subway and grab a sub with Hubs tonight at the game, that one of my four meals is already gone. That quick, that easy. It may not be perfect, but it's the only way I can see to account for what has to be a well-rounded and balanced life.
Plus, this will allow me to enjoy my time with Angela when she journeys through this way on her way to greatness (yet again! ;) ) without having to pick apart every single detail. I can have a meal and coffee with her without worrying about how it's going to ruin my entire plan.
All I really want to do is delete this page and forget this whole thing ever happened...
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