Friday, December 28, 2012
Read about how I feel broken, and how I plan on fixing it there.
I haven't quite figured out how I'm going to use Sparkpeople for the new year.
I don't feel like I quite belong here, and yet, I know and love so many of you and crave the love and support you give me.
And I miss talking to all of you.
I have been hiding. From you, from me, from a site focused on losing weight when I can't even manage to walk a quarter of a mile any longer.
Inside I'm all super-athlete and outside I'm just me. Broken old me.
The girl that has been talking and thinking about doing a triathlon since the first day of her first 5k but has not been able to push her body anywhere near a fighting training form.
I've been afraid that being here will remind me too much of all the things I CANNOT do. As you know, I hate being told that I CANNOT do something...but my body is reminding me of my limitations every day.
But I probably will be back with a different plan.
1) Eating right. I'm starting with a Whole30 cleanse, which I hope to vlog every day even if it's rough and raw on my camera phone. I'll let you know where to find those (or might add them here as well).
2) Stretching. I always commented on how extremely flexible I am. Turns out I am...except my feet/ankles. My legs are still super tight every day and I'm going to have to figure out some way to stretch and yoga and flexy-bend my way to a better lower body. I'm fighting these feet, PF, horrible knee joints and an off-centered pelvis, so it's going to take finding that perfect mix of stretching enough but not too much, icing when necessary, and maybe even some hot baths in bath salts to relax my tired muscles. I have to teach my body to produce the right types of collagen and worth WITH me here, not against me!
3) Balancing what I want with what I need. I'm going to be putting myself out there this year. I need to take care of myself and try to fulfill my needs in life in whatever I way I can without relying upon anyone else to fulfill that happiness in me. I know you're all like, "Well, DUH!" but what I mean is, I cannot wait for some company to figure out that I'm worth paying more money because I'll put in the effort and giving me the chance I need. The job market sucks and I cannot rely upon anything changing in my job situation right now for the better. But I can put myself out there in other ways that might help my family and fulfill my happy meter. I jjust have to find out how to do that.
So, yea...not sure where I'm going with this.
I have to sort out what all this is going to look like and I need to sort it out soon! 2012 is almost over!
Friday, December 07, 2012
I can't write it again, but I can tell you that this came from a place of (finally!) forgiveness and appreciation for myself and actual self-respect. I think I'm finally acknowledging the past seven years and giving myself the credit I deserve. And I think this was one of the biggest steps in moving on from the hate and self-loathing of the past year from the various injuries and illnesses and major life slaps I've received.
I feel like a different person today than the one I was yesterday...and I have to say that the last time I felt like this it was 2004 when I changed as a person. 2004 was one of the biggest turning points of my life. I would be a completely different person if not for that day (the date I do not know, but I remember the moment). 2010 changed me again, though not as profoundly.
I still remember that part in Eat, Pray, Love where they talk about how sometimes you have to tear something down completely in order to build it anew. I remember that quote sticking to me, but not really sinking in fully. I knew I needed to hang on to it. I knew I needed to remember that moment (we're talking the part in the movie, sad to say I never read the book).
Here is the quote from the whole (beautifully shot) scene:
"A friend took me to the most amazing place the other day. It's called the Augusteum. Octavian Augustus built it to house his remains. When the barbarians came they trashed it a long with everything else. The great Augustus, Rome's first true great emperor. How could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, would be in ruins. It's one of the quietest, loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up around it over the centuries. It feels like a precious wound, a heartbreak you won't let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we're afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked at around to this place, at the chaos it has endured - the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic, it's just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation."
This year I will be devoting myself to challenging myself yet again, but not just in my physical being, but in my spiritual and mental well-being as well.
Question: Would this be something you at Spark would be interested in? I don't want to bog you down with non-weight loss and fitness related posts. This will be a part of my challenge. I want to get back in the gym. I miss feel strong and proud of my body. But I don't know what that will look like right now. I may be recovering from surgery. I may be doing chair exercises. I know now that I am not able to go out and run a 5k every weekend like I used to (oh, my...I do miss feeling that free, strong, powerful, etc.). What do you think? I haven't shared much lately because there isn't much to share. Each day is a toss-up as to whether I can walk without limping, whether I can even walk at all, etc. It's not a pretty picture and it's been mentally and emotionally demoralizing considering where I was just over 1 year ago...or even just where I was back in September of this year. But if y'all are up to hearing some of the other stuff I may consider frequenting Spark more (honestly, I didn't break because of you, I broke because of the emotional challenge it took to see what I once was and the goals I had and realize every day my inability to reach them right now...if that makes sense).
Leave your 2 cents and I'll let you know where I end up. ;)
Friday, November 30, 2012
Quick update...or lack of one, actually.
Yes, I am alive.
My weight is holding pretty steady but I am getting more lumpy because working out has become impossible. My little foot issue turned into a huge foot issue and now I'm worried it might mean surgery. Months ago I was begging to be able to run again, but now is be happy just to walk without constant pain. I'm wearing the inserts the doc ordered for me and rehabbing as best I can with stretches every day (trying to remember to do it 3 times a day).
Also dealing with some financial stuff as Hubs and I are still trying to find better jobs (Hibs had an interview today). I got promoted in title but not pay at work, so I'm busier than ever. It is what it is.
Anyhow, wanted to share a few things with you.
1) I'm shooting for a serious goal of Jan 1st to literally be back on my feet. I hope it happens! I miss working out!
2) this picture:
I knew there was a picture here somewhere from the very beginning, when I was 466.6 pounds. Sad, right? This was the me that was pretty much bed-ridden. I'm not where I want to be yet (running, lifting, swimming and in and around a size 16/18) but I'm certainly not there anymore.
Here's a couple new pics from our family photo shoot just before Thanksgiving:
I hope everyone is doing well and having a good holiday. I promise if I wasn't so darn busy right now is be over here driving you all crazy like before. Here's hoping things settle down for that soon enough! ;)
Thursday, November 01, 2012
Some of you have caught on that even though I've gone silent, I've been a tiny bit more talkative over at my home blog:
That being said, thank you for the well wishes and concern from some of you. I honestly wish I had more to give you today than I do, but you at least deserve an explanation. So here's the short of it...for the long of it, head over to my blog.
I didn't get the job.
A guy at my work, the one I felt was promoted "over" me...he got the job.
I let 20k more a year, a better work environment, a beautiful office, amazeballs benefits, and security for my family slip through my fingers and I can't figure out what I did to get that dreadful call of, "You are amazing! You would be an asset to the company! But we're going to go with AHOLE."
I am more bitter than I should be. I am angry and sad and I am not about to go explaining that to a bunch of people who may or may not understand who I am, what I've been through in my life, and why it kills me so much to be denied yet again.
I haven't spoken up because I know what I'll hear. I'll hear crap about cherishing what I have when what I really need to hear is my husband's voice in my ear letting me vent and get angry while he cheers me on and says things like, "You're right. It sucks. They're stupid. They're going to regret it. D-bag is a d-bag and probably did some shady stuff to land it behind your back."
That's what I need.
That's why I haven't shared.
Because what I love about most of you is your ability to see the bright side.
But while I love that about you, it makes me want to rip people's throats out right now because my "bright side" is that I've managed to not kill anyone yet.
Yes, it's been that serious for me.
And admitting that has been something else I haven't wanted to do here.
I also didn't want to admit that the anxiety, stress, guilt, anger, and full on grief over this situation has caused me to gain 20 pounds and caused my pants to get tight again. I'm eating candy for lunch because I need to punish myself for being a failure.
WAIT! Stop! Before you start complimenting me and saying stuff like "You're not a failure! Look at how far you've come!" I'm begging you to save that for later when I've pulled myself out of this mental quagmire of self-hate. I'M BEGGING YOU TO SAVE IT FOR ME. I promise I'll need it later. I can't appreciate it now. I'm just trying to explain, especially to those of you that have asked.
That being said, you can also hold on to the "You're so amazing because you keep going no matter what!" comments too. PLEASE. But, yes, I'm still trying to set goals. I have nothing else in my life I can control. I let that opportunity slip away and I know from searching for jobs for years now that there aren't other opportunities this perfect. They don't exist. Not here. Not in the perfect situation that would have allowed me to finally provide for my family in the way that they deserve and stay in the place where I've finally been able to make friends.
I just wanted to come here and let you know that life's just been really hard right now. And, yes, I keep telling myself there are people with bigger problems, but that doesn't help and I need some time to validate my emotions and find the other side of this mess of disappointment.
I just thought you deserved some idea as to what's going on.
I might be back.
I can't make promises right now.
I would LOVE to feel better about myself and my life.
I'd love to regain control and be back here pushing myself to lose the last 100 pounds or so and finally reach my goals.
But right now it's a struggle just to get up in the morning.
But I wanted to thank you of thinking of me.
And I wish all of you nothing but the best and brightest in life.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
I cannot seem to stop falling apart each day. The stress and anxiety has become too much for me and I can't even see straight anymore. All I can seem to focus on is next Monday, so I'm not getting much else done.
And I've decided that is okay.
October 15th could be a huge day for me. It could mean a change to my life, or it could drop me down the hole of dispair and depression - depending on the outcome. Have I ever told you all how much I hate depending upon other people for what I want? I hate loss of control...
And yet all I can do right now with my eating is lose control. At least, that's what it feels like. I'm not myself. I try hard to be, but I fall apart.
And that is OKAY.
Because I've already made a promise to myself that things will look very different starting October 16th. Whatever Monday holds for me, I can't control that. And I can't seem to keep my emotions in check until then either. But on October 16th, I am taking control back. I'm not sure what that's going to look like. Honestly I'm considering another attempt at Whole30 because I hate this fog hat I've been wearing lately and day 6 of Whole30 was the first time in MONTHS I didn't experience fog hat all day. It's far enough away from Thanksgiving where I wouldn't feel pressured and upset and worked up. I could get my 30 days in and then gradually let myself put things back in to see what's causing the severe fog hat, because I would love to never have to suffer through it again.
I haven't totally 100% decided what October 16th will look like, but I do know that it will be the start of me taking back control of my life, my choices, and my path toward my goals. I know it will include meal planning and probably giving up junk food and fast food for a little while. And I'm going to find some workout plan that doesn't upset the PF too much and allows me to burn some calories and attempt to get myself back to the firm(er) body I now seriously miss.
I glimpsed the other side of the 300s. I want to get back there. And I want to start making serious strides toward my eventual goal of reaching 230 (and then I'll reevaluate and see if I need to do more). I think I just got scared. Life got in the way. I got complacent. And then I got very, very anxious. The only thing I can be thankful for right now is that I haven't gone completely off the rails and ruined every bit of progress I had since April 2010.
The return of the Esther we all know and love...
Coming to a Spark Blog near you, October 16, 2012.
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