CALLIKIA   23,798
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CALLIKIA's Recent Blog Entries

Whole30 - Interesting Start

Thursday, January 03, 2013

For those following my other blog, you'll get a better update there.

And, if you want, you can subscribe to my YouTube channel and check out my vlogs that I'm doing each day of Whole30 (Day 2 is's just taking forever to the time you see this it might be there as well).

No exercise yet this year.
Did get a really awesome case of food poisoning on day 1 from some almond milk. Yay! *sarcasm*
Honestly, I just find it ironic and quite humerous. Not the type of "cleanse" I was going for, but thanks anyhow...

Anyhow, days 1 and 2 are in the bag. Day 3 today is going alright so far. About to hunker down and get some work done. Might be here a little late today, not sure...lots to get done and get caught up on since the holidays always cause problems with my productivity around here.

The hardest part has been the strict budget. We'll have to see how that works for us and I may need to find other ways to cut costs so we can afford a bigger food allowance. We shall see...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

-POOKIE- 1/4/2013 9:34AM

    Neat to hear your voice! I love to get to hear people!

Urgh, food poisoning isn't fun, hope you keep well.

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    Well done Esther! Stuck to your plan even when sick! emoticon -Connie (Carrie on Youtube...)

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SPUNKYDUCKY 1/3/2013 7:37PM

    Sorry about the bad experience on day 1 - you can only go up from there! Still glad to see that you are back on the spark!

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NATNOEL 1/3/2013 6:54PM

    I love watching your youtube is cool seeing you on video after reading your blogs for so long. You are very pretty and funny.
Sorry about the almond milk but other then that you seem to be off to a good start.

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ERIN1128 1/3/2013 3:11PM

    How awful about the almond milk! Hope you're both feeling better now.

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BAYBELIEVER 1/3/2013 10:45AM

    Read your blog too. Uggh. Bad almond milk! Who would have guessed it!

Congrats on getting through day 2. Just think, you are 6.7% complete and onto learning more about what foods are bad for YOU. Keep on the path and you will then know.

The $8 for groceries. Tough. Bag of apples $3, bag of oranges...anything grouped in a bag is cheaper.

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MUSOLF6 1/3/2013 10:35AM


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Year in Review and 2013 Plans

Friday, December 28, 2012

Read about how I feel broken, and how I plan on fixing it there.

I haven't quite figured out how I'm going to use Sparkpeople for the new year.
I don't feel like I quite belong here, and yet, I know and love so many of you and crave the love and support you give me.
And I miss talking to all of you.

I have been hiding. From you, from me, from a site focused on losing weight when I can't even manage to walk a quarter of a mile any longer.
Inside I'm all super-athlete and outside I'm just me. Broken old me.
The girl that has been talking and thinking about doing a triathlon since the first day of her first 5k but has not been able to push her body anywhere near a fighting training form.
I've been afraid that being here will remind me too much of all the things I CANNOT do. As you know, I hate being told that I CANNOT do something...but my body is reminding me of my limitations every day.

But I probably will be back with a different plan.

1) Eating right. I'm starting with a Whole30 cleanse, which I hope to vlog every day even if it's rough and raw on my camera phone. I'll let you know where to find those (or might add them here as well).

2) Stretching. I always commented on how extremely flexible I am. Turns out I am...except my feet/ankles. My legs are still super tight every day and I'm going to have to figure out some way to stretch and yoga and flexy-bend my way to a better lower body. I'm fighting these feet, PF, horrible knee joints and an off-centered pelvis, so it's going to take finding that perfect mix of stretching enough but not too much, icing when necessary, and maybe even some hot baths in bath salts to relax my tired muscles. I have to teach my body to produce the right types of collagen and worth WITH me here, not against me!

3) Balancing what I want with what I need. I'm going to be putting myself out there this year. I need to take care of myself and try to fulfill my needs in life in whatever I way I can without relying upon anyone else to fulfill that happiness in me. I know you're all like, "Well, DUH!" but what I mean is, I cannot wait for some company to figure out that I'm worth paying more money because I'll put in the effort and giving me the chance I need. The job market sucks and I cannot rely upon anything changing in my job situation right now for the better. But I can put myself out there in other ways that might help my family and fulfill my happy meter. I jjust have to find out how to do that.

So, yea...not sure where I'm going with this.
I have to sort out what all this is going to look like and I need to sort it out soon! 2012 is almost over!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CATE2013 1/11/2013 9:23AM

    Love the plan....if it's in writing it always helps me. You inspired me to make a plan like this of my own. Thank you for that!!

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SEEHOLZ 1/9/2013 1:24PM

    Happy New Year! I'm glad you are back here :-)

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SPUNKYDUCKY 12/31/2012 12:52AM

    I can understand why you want to blog on your primary site - just hope you will post here time to time. I think the community and the support is more important than anything else for me. Good luck with your new vlog

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WISHICOULDFLY 12/30/2012 3:11PM

    I am excited to see where you take us this year. Always a pleasure to read your insights.

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CHICAT63 12/29/2012 7:33AM

    Glad to hear from you, wishing you a Happy New Year....happiness, health and success for 2013. Take care:) emoticon

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ERIN1128 12/28/2012 8:21PM

    Great to "see" you! I think your plan is great. And don't ever think you don't belong here - spark is about living healthy, and a big part of that is mental and spiritual health, which you are working hard on it sounds like. Rock on!

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GUITARWOMAN 12/28/2012 1:51PM

    So good to hear from you. You will find your own way!

Happy new year!

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You Should Read This

Friday, December 07, 2012

I can't write it again, but I can tell you that this came from a place of (finally!) forgiveness and appreciation for myself and actual self-respect. I think I'm finally acknowledging the past seven years and giving myself the credit I deserve. And I think this was one of the biggest steps in moving on from the hate and self-loathing of the past year from the various injuries and illnesses and major life slaps I've received.

I feel like a different person today than the one I was yesterday...and I have to say that the last time I felt like this it was 2004 when I changed as a person. 2004 was one of the biggest turning points of my life. I would be a completely different person if not for that day (the date I do not know, but I remember the moment). 2010 changed me again, though not as profoundly.

I still remember that part in Eat, Pray, Love where they talk about how sometimes you have to tear something down completely in order to build it anew. I remember that quote sticking to me, but not really sinking in fully. I knew I needed to hang on to it. I knew I needed to remember that moment (we're talking the part in the movie, sad to say I never read the book).

Here is the quote from the whole (beautifully shot) scene:

"A friend took me to the most amazing place the other day. It's called the Augusteum. Octavian Augustus built it to house his remains. When the barbarians came they trashed it a long with everything else. The great Augustus, Rome's first true great emperor. How could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, would be in ruins. It's one of the quietest, loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up around it over the centuries. It feels like a precious wound, a heartbreak you won't let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we're afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked at around to this place, at the chaos it has endured - the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic, it's just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation."

This year I will be devoting myself to challenging myself yet again, but not just in my physical being, but in my spiritual and mental well-being as well.

Question: Would this be something you at Spark would be interested in? I don't want to bog you down with non-weight loss and fitness related posts. This will be a part of my challenge. I want to get back in the gym. I miss feel strong and proud of my body. But I don't know what that will look like right now. I may be recovering from surgery. I may be doing chair exercises. I know now that I am not able to go out and run a 5k every weekend like I used to (oh, my...I do miss feeling that free, strong, powerful, etc.). What do you think? I haven't shared much lately because there isn't much to share. Each day is a toss-up as to whether I can walk without limping, whether I can even walk at all, etc. It's not a pretty picture and it's been mentally and emotionally demoralizing considering where I was just over 1 year ago...or even just where I was back in September of this year. But if y'all are up to hearing some of the other stuff I may consider frequenting Spark more (honestly, I didn't break because of you, I broke because of the emotional challenge it took to see what I once was and the goals I had and realize every day my inability to reach them right now...if that makes sense).

Leave your 2 cents and I'll let you know where I end up. ;)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WISHICOULDFLY 12/12/2012 10:46PM

    I would love to hear more about you. Weight is just one aspect of our lives. There are so many more things to learn about ourselves and our spirituality. Blog about whatever moves you. This is your forum to share insights, opinions, fears, dreams, milestones, information...or even to just plain, brag or even vent! Whatever you want. Let it out! If someone doesn't want to read it, they don't have to. emoticon And if you get an occasional sanctimonious know-it-all commenter, delete the comment! That's what I DO! If only we could do that in person to people we encounter! emoticon Your page is YOUR page to do with as you please for whatever your purpose.

That said, I think you are awesome and I am glad you are back! -Connie

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4EVERADONEGIRL 12/11/2012 2:19PM

    I have to say that Spark is the PERFECT place for you to share these things because, honestly, the spiritual and mental well-being and gaining strength in those areas is just as, if not MORE, important than the physical aspect of this whole "journey". No matter what it looks like, I'm along for the ride with you!!!

And I'm super proud of you - you have pushed harder than anyone I have ever seen before...BECAUSE so much of this has been mental for you and you've been pushing through and pushing through. I admire you so much for that, girl!


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RUNNER12COM 12/11/2012 11:34AM

    Where you'll end up? Pfft, more like what amazing journey you will experience!

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MANLEYSANDY 12/11/2012 11:33AM

    "You can't get rid of the weight, until you get rid of the brain weight", I paraphrased that quote by a fellow Sparker, Yoovie, and I think I remember reading on a another follow Sparkers blog, Notabouttheface's, that weight loss is 90% mental. I am using these examples because mental well being and weightloss to me are one in the same. I have said it before, and have read it originally, you get get control of your eating until you figure out what is eating you!!!

So, I more then want to hear from you, because your whole journey is important to me!!!

Comment edited on: 12/11/2012 11:33:51 AM

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SPUNKYDUCKY 12/7/2012 8:27PM

    Hey Beautiful - people check in on your blogs because they enjoy hearing from you. The best bloggers talk about all the things in their life, not just weight loss or fitness. We are whole beings - and that includes the good and the bad. Don't be afraid to come here to share in the community and it may help with some of your journey. Sometimes just knowing other people are there makes all the difference. I have checked your page every day for the past two months just to see when you would be back around. I know you are healing and I completely understand the break, but now, it is time to come back.

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EMOFORTRESS 12/7/2012 4:05PM

    Please don't disappear. I have been in the a similar situation this year. This time last year, I was strong, fit, running 10mins straight on the treadmill and flexible, which I'd always been too big to be! I'd never felt stronger in myself, my body, my confidence, who I was, and where I was aiming. Then I pushed too hard, too quick and caused sciatica to my back, leg and lower spine for the first time in my life, and it was excruciating and frightening. It's completely derailed me, and I've had back, hip and spinal pain every day since march without fail. It's only been the last month, particularly this week, where I've started to find my feet again. But next year is my beginning again, to rebuild myself, brick by brick, no matter how small those bricks are.

Stay with us, share with us your story, because it could not only helps us, but help you too. Plus, it's something you can look back on in a few years and think, wow so that's what I thought and felt.

Love and hugs from me in the UK.

Kat x

Comment edited on: 12/7/2012 4:05:42 PM

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KITHKINCAID 12/7/2012 3:55PM

    Exercise is only PART of the equation babe. The food and the spirit are more important in the long run. Stick with it. Never, NEVER, give up. Hugs :)

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ERIN1128 12/7/2012 3:14PM

    Don't you dare bail out on us just because you're not taking the "traditional fitness path" at the moment! I have so missed your regular posts, and would love to see you continue here...your insights on your journey are interesting, helpful, and inspiring.

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BUTTERCUPP77 12/7/2012 3:03PM

    Hi Esther,

I haven't been in touch much, but I have continued to follow your blogs (both places). I always enjoy your blogs, and I think that writing about other areas of your life is a wonderful idea.

You are so much more than your health journey. If you're comfortable reavealing more of your awesomeness, I'd love to hear it!

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BAYBELIEVER 12/7/2012 2:06PM

    Esther: I appreciate your blogs always as I feel we have walked a similar path this year. I would love to continue to hear from you and your wisdom. That being said, I know that my spiritual and mental journey this year has made me realize even more that this journey, this life I want has to be for me and about me. So whether ypu frequent here more often or less should be about what makes ypu happy, what lifts you up, and what helps you make this the life you enjoy living. No matter what ypu decide, know that I will pray for you and hope to hear from you at least some to celebrate your achievememts!

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CHARMED34 12/7/2012 2:01PM

    I missed seeing you on sparkpeople and I would be interested in hearing how you are doing in all areas. You are a strong woman. Take care

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Update and More Before and After Pics

Friday, November 30, 2012

Quick update...or lack of one, actually.

Yes, I am alive.
My weight is holding pretty steady but I am getting more lumpy because working out has become impossible. My little foot issue turned into a huge foot issue and now I'm worried it might mean surgery. Months ago I was begging to be able to run again, but now is be happy just to walk without constant pain. I'm wearing the inserts the doc ordered for me and rehabbing as best I can with stretches every day (trying to remember to do it 3 times a day).

Also dealing with some financial stuff as Hubs and I are still trying to find better jobs (Hibs had an interview today). I got promoted in title but not pay at work, so I'm busier than ever. It is what it is.

Anyhow, wanted to share a few things with you.

1) I'm shooting for a serious goal of Jan 1st to literally be back on my feet. I hope it happens! I miss working out!

2) this picture:

I knew there was a picture here somewhere from the very beginning, when I was 466.6 pounds. Sad, right? This was the me that was pretty much bed-ridden. I'm not where I want to be yet (running, lifting, swimming and in and around a size 16/18) but I'm certainly not there anymore.

Here's a couple new pics from our family photo shoot just before Thanksgiving:

I hope everyone is doing well and having a good holiday. I promise if I wasn't so darn busy right now is be over here driving you all crazy like before. Here's hoping things settle down for that soon enough! ;)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DB1167 2/14/2013 9:55AM

    love the family pics! You look amazing and it shows that you feel amazing in your pictures!

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CHICAT63 12/5/2012 4:12PM

    So glad to hear from you:) Awesome family photos. Sending you healing thoughts for your foot !

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LOWFATFOODIE 12/3/2012 10:36AM

    Cute family pix! Hope you heal soon.

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JEREMY723 12/1/2012 5:10PM

    Glad to hear from you, I hope that things shart to turn around for you soon!

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ERIN1128 12/1/2012 12:59PM

    So glad to "see" you! Sorry about your foot issue, but that "before" pic is a great reminder of how far you have come, don't ever forget it. Hang in there!

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ATROTTIER 12/1/2012 12:20AM

    Love the pics!!! Sorry to hear about your foot getting worse :(

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GOGOSHIRE 12/1/2012 12:00AM

    Great family shots, E. The boys look so big! I can't believe how fast they grow up, huh? I'm sure you guys must be looking forward to Xmas. What a great time with the age they are! Be patient with the foot - it will heal in time, and take some time to enjoy the holiday season with your beautiful family!

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BAYBELIEVER 11/30/2012 11:25PM

    Good to see you here! Love the pics, well, the after ones. You have come so far and will go even further. But you must take care of that foot.

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SPUNKYDUCKY 11/30/2012 11:21PM

    Great to hear from you - I know that your foot is healing and you will be up and around and active as ever soon!

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 11/30/2012 11:21PM

    Congrats on the promotion... will the raise be coming anytime soon?!?! Fingers crossed it does and that things go well for the hubs.

The family looks amazing!!!

As always sending healing vibes your way.

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JUSTLIKEALICE 11/30/2012 10:32PM

    You look amazing and oh-so-gorgeous, girl! I hope things turn around for you soon! Sending boogaboogas for a speedy recovery, and that things go your way. You deserve it!

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SARAWALKS 11/30/2012 10:31PM

    Aw, you look lovely, Esther! It's good to see your smile. I'm so sorry about your foot. Hopefully the new year will bring some resolution of the physical AND the financial problems. Hang in there, girl! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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You Deserve At Least That Much

Thursday, November 01, 2012

Some of you have caught on that even though I've gone silent, I've been a tiny bit more talkative over at my home blog:

That being said, thank you for the well wishes and concern from some of you. I honestly wish I had more to give you today than I do, but you at least deserve an explanation. So here's the short of it...for the long of it, head over to my blog.

I didn't get the job.
A guy at my work, the one I felt was promoted "over" me...he got the job.
I let 20k more a year, a better work environment, a beautiful office, amazeballs benefits, and security for my family slip through my fingers and I can't figure out what I did to get that dreadful call of, "You are amazing! You would be an asset to the company! But we're going to go with AHOLE."
I am more bitter than I should be. I am angry and sad and I am not about to go explaining that to a bunch of people who may or may not understand who I am, what I've been through in my life, and why it kills me so much to be denied yet again.
I haven't spoken up because I know what I'll hear. I'll hear crap about cherishing what I have when what I really need to hear is my husband's voice in my ear letting me vent and get angry while he cheers me on and says things like, "You're right. It sucks. They're stupid. They're going to regret it. D-bag is a d-bag and probably did some shady stuff to land it behind your back."

That's what I need.
That's why I haven't shared.
Because what I love about most of you is your ability to see the bright side.
But while I love that about you, it makes me want to rip people's throats out right now because my "bright side" is that I've managed to not kill anyone yet.

Yes, it's been that serious for me.
And admitting that has been something else I haven't wanted to do here.

I also didn't want to admit that the anxiety, stress, guilt, anger, and full on grief over this situation has caused me to gain 20 pounds and caused my pants to get tight again. I'm eating candy for lunch because I need to punish myself for being a failure.

WAIT! Stop! Before you start complimenting me and saying stuff like "You're not a failure! Look at how far you've come!" I'm begging you to save that for later when I've pulled myself out of this mental quagmire of self-hate. I'M BEGGING YOU TO SAVE IT FOR ME. I promise I'll need it later. I can't appreciate it now. I'm just trying to explain, especially to those of you that have asked.

That being said, you can also hold on to the "You're so amazing because you keep going no matter what!" comments too. PLEASE. But, yes, I'm still trying to set goals. I have nothing else in my life I can control. I let that opportunity slip away and I know from searching for jobs for years now that there aren't other opportunities this perfect. They don't exist. Not here. Not in the perfect situation that would have allowed me to finally provide for my family in the way that they deserve and stay in the place where I've finally been able to make friends.

I just wanted to come here and let you know that life's just been really hard right now. And, yes, I keep telling myself there are people with bigger problems, but that doesn't help and I need some time to validate my emotions and find the other side of this mess of disappointment.

I just thought you deserved some idea as to what's going on.
I might be back.
I can't make promises right now.
I would LOVE to feel better about myself and my life.
I'd love to regain control and be back here pushing myself to lose the last 100 pounds or so and finally reach my goals.
But right now it's a struggle just to get up in the morning.

But I wanted to thank you of thinking of me.
And I wish all of you nothing but the best and brightest in life.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUSTLIKEALICE 11/5/2012 11:13PM

    yep. What they said ;)

You know we are here when you are ready.

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ABEAUTIFULMESS1 11/5/2012 11:03AM

    I am sure that they will all realize that they lost out big time! I totally know the feeling. I've actually run into several people that got teaching jobs that I interviewed for, but obviously didn't get and I always have this twinge of "how the F*** did you get that job over me???". I know it sucks now, but I'm sure they will see the error of their decision!

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SPUNKYDUCKY 11/3/2012 5:57PM

    They're stupid. They're going to regret it. D-bag is a d-bag and probably did some shady stuff to land it behind your back. And did I mention they are stupid?
Love ya, Hol

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 11/2/2012 11:31AM

    THat sucks girl. I can't believe they hired the d-bag. What a mistake that will be.

I second Cheryl.

Other then that, all I have for you is a big emoticon

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ABETTERCHERYL 11/1/2012 4:24PM

    Fuhk those aholes. The whole lot of them.

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CHICAT63 11/1/2012 4:03PM

    emoticon I really can relate to how you are feeling about the frustration, the anger, the guilt about being passed over for douche, truly I can and the resentment too, been there, bought the tshirt. You can forgive but never forget and that's ok. Just do what you gotta do, we are here for you ! emoticon

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    emoticon they promoted s douche over you. Same with the weight. Sometimes life just blows.

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BAYBELIEVER 11/1/2012 1:55PM

    We're here. Yeah, sending you hugs and best wishes. And agreeing that it was stupid of them. I believe no one would work harder than you. Be down. Be mad. Be sad. But know that when I tell you that you know you are awesome and you are worth all the good you can find and make for your life that I say it because I have more of that later for you too when you need it.
emoticon emoticon

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BAYBELIEVER 11/1/2012 1:54PM

    We're here. Yeah, sending you hugs and best wishes. And agreeing that it was stupid of them. I believe no one would work harder than you. Be down. Be mad. Be sad. But know that when I tell you that you know you are awesome and you are worth all the good you can find and make for your life that I say it because I have more of that later for you too when you need it.
emoticon emoticon

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4EVERADONEGIRL 11/1/2012 1:41PM

    Love you bunches girl...

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    Just do what you need to do - I have the "nice" stuff stowed away, ready for when you want it.

Just glad to hear you are still around - take care.


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SARAWALKS 11/1/2012 12:17PM

    Saving all the positive S___
BUT just wanna say you are RIGHT to be ROYALLY PISSED so GO RIGHT AHEAD AND RAVE!
But DON'T PUNISH YOURSELF, you did not LET THIS SLIP AWAY, it was taken away, you did your VERY BEST TO GET THE JOB.
I don't even have to ask, I know you did, because I know Esther and how she goes about things.
You always do your best.
If it makes you feel any better, it was probably sexism, still rampant today, and male A______S often have the in.
But justice will come, it just takes a while sometimes and drives us nuts in the meantime.
Oops that was positive...sorry... emoticon

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ERIN1128 11/1/2012 12:05PM

    Yay, you're back! I've missed you. I saw your comment about sorry if people can't deal with you being a downer - were people complaining? Sheesh! I always admire your honesty, and frankly, I get suspicious of people who NEVER have a bad day. ;-) Hang in there!

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ARUNNINGKAT 11/1/2012 11:44AM


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NATNOEL 11/1/2012 10:39AM


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