Thursday, October 11, 2012
I cannot seem to stop falling apart each day. The stress and anxiety has become too much for me and I can't even see straight anymore. All I can seem to focus on is next Monday, so I'm not getting much else done.
And I've decided that is okay.
October 15th could be a huge day for me. It could mean a change to my life, or it could drop me down the hole of dispair and depression - depending on the outcome. Have I ever told you all how much I hate depending upon other people for what I want? I hate loss of control...
And yet all I can do right now with my eating is lose control. At least, that's what it feels like. I'm not myself. I try hard to be, but I fall apart.
And that is OKAY.
Because I've already made a promise to myself that things will look very different starting October 16th. Whatever Monday holds for me, I can't control that. And I can't seem to keep my emotions in check until then either. But on October 16th, I am taking control back. I'm not sure what that's going to look like. Honestly I'm considering another attempt at Whole30 because I hate this fog hat I've been wearing lately and day 6 of Whole30 was the first time in MONTHS I didn't experience fog hat all day. It's far enough away from Thanksgiving where I wouldn't feel pressured and upset and worked up. I could get my 30 days in and then gradually let myself put things back in to see what's causing the severe fog hat, because I would love to never have to suffer through it again.
I haven't totally 100% decided what October 16th will look like, but I do know that it will be the start of me taking back control of my life, my choices, and my path toward my goals. I know it will include meal planning and probably giving up junk food and fast food for a little while. And I'm going to find some workout plan that doesn't upset the PF too much and allows me to burn some calories and attempt to get myself back to the firm(er) body I now seriously miss.
I glimpsed the other side of the 300s. I want to get back there. And I want to start making serious strides toward my eventual goal of reaching 230 (and then I'll reevaluate and see if I need to do more). I think I just got scared. Life got in the way. I got complacent. And then I got very, very anxious. The only thing I can be thankful for right now is that I haven't gone completely off the rails and ruined every bit of progress I had since April 2010.
The return of the Esther we all know and love...
Coming to a Spark Blog near you, October 16, 2012.
Sunday, October 07, 2012
Look, things need to change. And they need to change right now. Thankfully, with all the crap I've been through this year, I haven't yet managed to gain a crapton of weight. That's a plus. In fact, I weighed in this morning at 309.6...which is about what I started this year out as, so we've had a year of yo-yo, but at least I'm keeping things in check for the most part. The only thing is, I'm tired and I want to get off this ride.
So I'm starting over.
Back to the beginning.
Step 1 only, before on to step two.
I already know this week is going to be crazy. I need to prep for probably the biggest interview of my life so the stress is going to be through the roof. My foot still hurts a lot too no matter how long I wear this insert for, so I don't even know how much the custom inserts are going to work or when they'll come. I can't count on anything except this - I will look, listen, and pay at least a little attention so that when the dust settles I'm ready to start again.
I'm going into this with the same mentality as I had in 2010. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know if it's going to work. I just know I'm going to try. And I can't jump right into 5 day a week 1-hour workouts at the gym killing myself and eating 1200 calories hoping to make it through the day without killing someone. Right now, I can't think about restrictions. I need to only think about one thing this week and, I hate to say it, my health and well-being in the long run is not it.
Step One - Log everything.
That's all I'm requiring myself to do right now. Log everything I eat. I don't care how many calories it is or what kind of food. I can't think about that right now. Just log it so I have a new foundation to start from and get back in the habit of being accountable and logging everything.
Starting Weight: 309.6
Goal for the week: LOG EVERYTHING
No current weight goals.
Monday, October 01, 2012
Weight September 1st: 296.4
Weight October 1st: 308.0
Awesome. *sigh* FML
So much for breaking a plateau.
And so much for Whole30 because it friggin' fell apart on me this Friday.
Look, my life is a mess right now. A full on, full out mess. Every piece is hanging on by a thread and I spend most of my time crying or wishing I could bury myself in the ground. No lie. That means this whole dieting and exercise thing is just one more thing I'm failing at right now and it hasn't been going well in my mind. I feel like a complete and utter failure. I've lost ZERO pounds in 2012. ZERO. So for all those looking for motivation from me. I have none. There's the door. I suck. Period.
I think the whole thing really fell apart when I realized that working out was killing me. I have another appointment with the podiatrist tomorrow and I'm getting casted for custom inserts. Yay! *sarcasm* I friggin' hate being a freak. And I do not have the money for any of this, btw. So yay for going deeper into debt just so I can walk again...because I hurt myself FROM LOSING WEIGHT. I'm seriously about THIS far from the end of my rope and if ONE person says, "Look how far you've come!" I think I'll jump. How far have I come? I have LESS mobility NOW than I did over 120-170 pounds ago. I have MORE pain NOW than I did then. And I've been told by several doctors that LOSING weight is actually to blame for all of this. It's the dirty secret that no one likes to tell you. Some people can lose the weight and their lives are improved 100-fold for it. The majority of people, actually. And then there are us freaks in the world who should've just stayed fat because now we're STILL fat but MORE miserable and in CONSTANT pain and a mental wreck because not only are we HUNGRY but we're HURTING too. All because we tried to do something good and lose weight. So don't tell me to look at how far I've come. I wish I was back in 2010 when I had lost a little weight and felt great. Yep. Great heart...which means I get to be in pain THAT much longer. Thanks for reminding me.
Anyhow, it's October. And we set goals at the first of the month, right? That's what we're supposed to do. Well, since I can't workout for anything because just driving my car sends shooting pains up my right leg - I have to focus on food. Again. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of watching everyone around me enjoy fall and pumpkin flavored everything and I'm eating like a friggin' bird over here and not losing a pound. But, whatever, right. I'm the freak of the family. Gotta deal with the cards we're dealt. (Oh my god...now I'm going to have to wear those shoes. *bangs head on desk repeatedly*)
So, here's the plan. For whatever it's worth because it probably won't work either...
"Eat Mostly Paleo, Minus Four"
By "mostly Paleo" I plan on following the guidelines for eating Paleo the majority of the time. And I'll try to be as strict as Whole30 most of the time I'm doing it. What does that mean?
* No Alcohol
Honestly, this one's pretty easy for me as I'm not really a drinker. A glass of wine with friends now and again, but when do I have time for outings with friends anyhow? *lol*
* No Sugars
I honestly think this is one of the biggest ones for my family. We've noticed a lot of foods that have sugar that we would not have expected. The only rule breakers I will allow for this one are - our deli meat, which is the healthiest one we can find and has natural sugars and not that much, and bacon, because I dare you to even attempt to find bacon that is free of sugar and dextrose both. We have yet to find it. So I will allow the occassional few slices of nitrate-free bacon. The rest of our sugar will come from fruit. Oh, and my coffee creamer.
* No Grains
This one is the one I thought would be the hardest for me to get used to...but it really wasn't all that hard. I'm going to see if keeping these away from me will help with the bloat issues.
* No Legumes (including soy and peanuts)
I honestly don't know if I agree with this one, so it might fly out the window. I guess I need to reread this chapter but I don't remember them having a solid argument for legumes. Soy, yes. I don't really need an estrogen supplement right now, thank you. But as for things like great northern beans or chickpeas? Hrm...not sure on those. We'll see though.
* No Dairy
Okay, this one is sticking in my house with on major exception - coffee creamer. I'm sorry...I can go without coffee creamer if I have some half & half and I can even go without coffee if I have some tea with either sweetener or half & half and sweetener...but to strip it all away? It just hasn't led to very good mornings for me and I don't start the day on a very good foot. I will be measuring my creamer, though. I found a great little shot glass type Tbsp measuring cup at WalMart which I will be picking up so that I can measure out my creamer and make sure I don't go crazy with it.
* No Potatoes
Okay, this one also doesn't have a firm, solid basis for it...but we do rely too heavily on potatoes in our house. So I'm saying potatoes only once a week for a vegetable. The rest of the time we have to branch out and eat things like squash and spinach and peppers and carrots and broccoli and cauliflower.
Other rules I like:
* No snacking
I honestly don't know how much of a 'rule' this is. I see people on Whole30 snacking throughout the day on fruit and nuts, but I remember reading "Do not snack unless you must" or something to that nature. Which to me is a pretty good rule. I'm getting back to my 3 solid meals a day. It saves me from grazing. If I'm feeling extremely hungry, I'll go ahead and eat a snack, but it does not have to be an all day every day kind of thing. Snacking for me can turn into an all-day binge without me even realizing it.
* Stop eating a couple hours before bed
Sometimes I can't follow this rule because time gets away from us and our day is so jam-packed...but for the most part I need to try to stop eating at least 2 hours before bedtime. This will help with the late night cravings.
* Don't miss a meal
If at all possible, try to stick to a schedule for meals 1, 2 and 3. This will help with the no snacking rule. And missing a meal is like inviting my binge monster over for tea. It doesn't end well.
I'm giving myself four meals. Note, not four DAYS, but four meals where I can break one or two rules. Not ALL of the rules. I need to be conscious of what I'm doing. Four times this month I will allow myself to eat a meal that doesn't exactly follow the rules.
Why I think this is important:
Life happens, and I'm a busy girl. Sometimes, just sometimes, I'm so exhausted from my life that I would like for someone else to cook for me. Or, sometimes, just sometimes, I would like to spend an evening out with my husband without feeling guilty about it. If you can't enjoy these moments in life, then what the hell IS the point of living? Four will be hard enough for me with the demons I'm already fighting. It means if I go to Subway and grab a sub with Hubs tonight at the game, that one of my four meals is already gone. That quick, that easy. It may not be perfect, but it's the only way I can see to account for what has to be a well-rounded and balanced life.
Plus, this will allow me to enjoy my time with Angela when she journeys through this way on her way to greatness (yet again! ;) ) without having to pick apart every single detail. I can have a meal and coffee with her without worrying about how it's going to ruin my entire plan.
All I really want to do is delete this page and forget this whole thing ever happened...
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
You can read my more regular blogs over on my personal blog page.
Honestly, sometimes I have a problem being on Spark or any diet and fitness website. I just can't think about weight goals and fitness minutes right now because the thought of my failures in that department make me want to crawl in a hole and hide forever.
I cannot workout right now. I'm working to get my foot fixed, but my podiatrist said I need to take a few days completely off while he tries to heal the problem...which just adds to the ones I was already taken while it hurt. So I haven't worked out since my supervised workout with Jason last Thursday.
As for weight? I weighed 316 pounds when I started The Whole30 on September 23rd. Yep. I did that. Awesome, right?! Gained 20 pounds in less than a month. I got mad skillz. And because Whole30 says not to weigh yourself until you're done...I honestly have no clue how much I weigh right now. I did check on day 2 because I woke up and suddenly my pants were loose again, which I thought was just my mind playing tricks on me because how can anything happen in one day? But when I weighed the night of the 2nd day I was already down 2 pounds...probably bloating that was going away.
As for my experience thus far? It hasn't been that difficult really. I'm having some trouble with the kids' lunches and making sure our food doesn't get boring (especially veggies). I need to make the salad dressing they have in the book and the ranch dip as well. Also thinking to make the mayo up so I can make a big batch of deviled eggs, which I know the boys will gobble up. I just haven't had the time to tackle those things yet.
Speaking of my boys, I'm so very proud of both of them for trying to stick to it! Ethan has gotten so devoted that he will skip lunch (which is bad, and we're making sure his lunch is packed the night before now so he doesn't forget) instead of eating what they give him which is full of no-nos. Logan even admitted to eating the meat they served the other day without the bun and then eating the fruit and that was it because everything else he knew to be off limits. I honestly expected him to cheat every single day of this challenge, but he even packed his own lunch last night of some leftover frittata, a Pure Wrap roll-up with almond butter and banana and a fruit leather. I threw in a hard-boiled (read: baked) egg for him as well, but there wasn't time for me to correct the no vegetable issue before he ran out the door this morning. I'm going to talk to him about it tonight and we're going to find some veggies he likes to eat raw.
Ethan's lunch was a little better. He's getting more used to this now because he's been packing his lunch because of the no dairy restriction for a couple months now. Today he had some leftover coconut crusted chicken, cauliflower, a fruit strip, an apple with a side of almond butter and 2 hard boiled (read: baked) eggs.
As for me? I have a salad with coconut crust pieces, some ground beef, mushrooms, and a hard boiled (read: baked) egg. Which I'm going to have to force down because I haven't had time to make the dressing yet and I honestly 100% doubt there will be any I can pick up or buy at the CVS or in the fridge (some people leave those packets they get from Wendy's and stuff) that don't contain no-no ingredients - especially sugar. I'll take a look. Maybe someone snuck in a vinagrette that's safe...but I doubt it.
Leaving work at noon today because Ethan has an appointment with a GI Specialist. I'm hoping he thinks our new diet restrictions (at least the no dairy one) constitute steps in the right direction. I'm also hoping he doesn't find any blockage whatsoever. I don't know...I think it's been a while that there shouldn't be anything left causing any problems. We shall see.
Tomorrow? Big huge interview which I am not mentally or emotionally ready for. Honestly, I haven't felt this strongly about wanting a job since I flew to NY that one time a couple years ago. Let's hope this one goes better. It's basically all the best parts of my current job, with some new stuff thrown in that I'll get to learn about housing and mortgage lending, and some public speaking as well. I do have a contact there...I just hope she remembers me. And if there was ever a chance that my main reference would get me in...this is it. So fingers and toes crossed. (BTW - It also means more money...like a considerably higher salary and one that would have us not struggling as much...we might actually be able to consider looking at houses some day in the next year or so if this happens. The pressure of all my hopes and dreams riding on this makes me want to vomit.)
So, yeah. 10% done with this. Pushing my way through fog-head on Day 4 now and hoping I feel much better tomorrow. Lots of prep to do tonight with putting together a professional outfit of clothes that actually fit (having issues with that right now...nothing fits quite right any more whether it's too big or too small...). Anyhow. *fingers crossed* *eyes open* *heart hopeful*
Take care y'all! I'll try to brave the waters and update you all again soon!
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