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WHIP IT: Day 1

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 10th
emoticon Eat Mostly Paleo - NOT EVEN CLOSE
emoticon About 2,000 Calories Daily - HA!
emoticon 5 Servings of Freggies a Day - NOT QUITE...OR AT ALL

emoticon Breakfast at Home, around 500 Calories
emoticon Healthy Lunch, around 500 Calories
* 2-3 Healthy Snacks, for a total of 500 Calories
* Dinner at Home, around 500 Calories

emoticon At least 60 Minutes Working Out Daily - TRIED. FAILED.
emoticon About 500 Calories Burned Per Day - NO CLUE. HRM BROKEN.

* Morning Workout: Laps - NEVER HAPPENED.
emoticon Evening Workout: Walking/Running and Bodyweight ST Moves - SORTA.
* Plank-A-Day Planks (current goal: 4 minutes prone, 1 minute side) - NOPE. (There were several minute long planks, plank rows and such in my workout, though.)

emoticon Work Every Day

* Get all cases to completion for now - TRIED. GOT NEW INFO.
* Clean office - NOT SO MUCH.
* Begin attempts for sponsorship for poster contest project - SCARED TO THINK ABOUT.

emoticon Drink at least 80-115 oz Water Per Day - YAY!

emoticon Mom Stuff - OF COURSE THAT WAS DONE...

emoticon Ethan - Football Practice
emoticon Check boys' homework

emoticon Evening Chores

* Laundry - NADA.
emoticon Dishes - LOGAN HAD TO DO.
* Kitchen - DIDN'T EVEN TOUCH IT.

emoticon Bed by 10:00 p.m. - I WISH!

Well, not the best day. Actually, a pretty crappy day. I was holding it together in the morning, but then it all came crashing down after work.

Breakfast - Better Oats Blueberry Muffin, Banana, Coffee with creamer
Lunch - Subway Turkey Sub on Wheat with lettuce, pickles and lite mayo with a salad of lettuce and spinach, pickles, with FF Italian dressing
Snack - 3 packets of Club crackers I had gotten from Subway
Snack - McChicken Sandwich
Dinner - LJS - 2 fish, 3 hushpuppies, fries, 3 cheese sticks, tarter sauce

See how I fell apart there? Yea, not good. My boys right now seem to be boycotting doing any chores. Last night was Logan's night for dishes. When I got home from work, he hadn't done them yet. I told him they needed to be done by the time I got home from football practice, but as we walked in the door near 8pm, he was just getting started. Needless to say, he's got another week of grounding ahead of him. (He was grounded last week for "forgetting" to go to bed when I told him and staying up late on his computer instead.)

I need to plan ahead a little better. I need to make sure tonight goes better.

As for my workout? Well, I can say I put in a good attempt. I set my NTC app for a 45 minute intermediate circuit workout and started it on the basketball court/parking lot near where Ethan was practicing. 25 minutes into it, I had to stop. My legs were screaming. My abs were screaming. None of that was the reason for stopping. Instead, it was the back pain and the foot pain that made me stop. I still feel broken and sad. Not to mention I'm getting some major pull from the belly hang I have now and it's causing a lot of pain as well. More things I need to note for when I visit the doctor about possible surgery in my future.

I have to say, a sorry workout still dampens my mood. Suddenly I feel unable and that leads to feeling unmotivated to even care. Doesn't help that a quick "check-in" on the scale this morning showed a gain of about 4 pounds from the last gain of 8. Yay! *sarcasm* Will this friggin' EVER end? It's getting to where I have to be as close to perfect as possible to even get anything out of my efforts, and with all the injuries mounting up on me, it's been really hard to stay focused and keep pushing through. I have wanted to just give up more lately than I ever have because it hurts SO DAMN MUCH.

But, today is a new day, right? If I can't workout the way I want to, then I better focus my eating or it's all pointless pain and misery. *sigh*

Food plan for the day:
Breakfast: 2 eggs, coffee with creamer
Snack: apple and almonds
Lunch: salad with almonds and cranberries with FF Italian dressing
Snack: Kind Bar (almonds and cranberries)
Dinner: Keema over 1 cup of brown rice

Have to change up my plan a little for today. I thought I'd have time for an after-work workout so I stupidly stayed up late last night...only to learn right before bed at 11pm that Hubs was asked to work today and swap his day off from Tuesday to Wednesday. *sigh* That means another painful workout at the football field in front of a bajillion people with a hurt foot. Tomorrow he'll be able to pick up Logan from band, though, so I should be able to get in the gym in the evening. I'd like to do laps in the morning and the bike at night, but we shall see if I manage to get up early. I've been uber tired lately and getting up has been a nightmare.


TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 11th
emoticon Eat Mostly Paleo
emoticon About 2,000 Calories Daily
emoticon 5 Servings of Freggies a Day

emoticon Breakfast at Home, around 500 Calories

2 eggs, coffee with creamer = 250 calories
(I was supposed to have sausage too, but Ethan cooked for me this AM and the sausage wasn't done by the time I had to rush out the door.)

* Healthy Lunch, around 500 Calories

Planned: Salad with cranberries and almonds = 195 calories

* 2-3 Healthy Snacks, for a total of 500 Calories

Planned Snack 1: apple and almonds = 264 calories
Planned Snack 2: Kind Bar = 190 calories
Total = 454 calories

* Dinner at Home, around 500 Calories

Planned: Keema over 1c brown rice = 416 calories

This will put me at around 1300 calories for the day. If I need to eat more I can add in a protein shake with strawberries, but I'd be okay having a low calorie day after yesterday...

emoticon At least 60 Minutes Working Out Daily
emoticon About 500 Calories Burned Per Day

* Morning Workout: Bike and ST - MISSED.
* Evening Workout: NTC 30-45 minute workout + walking 15 minutes
* Plank-A-Day Planks (current goal: 4 minutes prone, 1 minute side)

emoticon Work Every Day

* Get all cases to completion for now
- Read through information sent yesterday and analyze data before deciding how to proceed
- Do telephone interviews of at least 3 witnesses
* Clean office
* Begin attempts for sponsorship for poster contest project

emoticon Drink at least 80-115 oz Water Per Day

emoticon Mom Stuff

* Ethan - Football Practice
* Check boys' homework
* Make sure they've done chores

emoticon Evening Chores

* Living Room
* Kitchen
* Laundry

emoticon Bed by 9:30 p.m.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGIRL06 9/12/2012 9:00PM

    "a sorry workout still dampens my mood" - Yep me too! I get so frustrated, especially with running. I mean, I was faster a year ago when I was in training. Now I'm just slow again and that drives me crazy. I also haven't graduated on any of my DVDs from my 5lb weights. I know I could do better. Frustration with myself I guess.

And I feel you on the bump foot! Mine cut my run short yesterday :(
~Ang

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GUITARWOMAN 9/11/2012 7:23PM

    Calm down, girl.

Do what you can.

Do not work out to the point where you injure yourself!

Walk, do housework, move around as much as you can at work.

At work I find that if I do some small projects first, and accomplish them, I can go on to the big ones. Play some music if you can. Take breaks.

Eat reasonably, and try to avoid take out.

I am rooting for you!

emoticon

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RUSSELLORAMA 9/11/2012 4:48PM

    Good luck with your plan. I like how even though you hit some snags, you go right back to it. This is definitely the time when your family has to go all hands on deck - you're gonna need the help!

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MIZINA730 9/11/2012 4:09PM

    I'm not sure what your workouts are composed of (high impact?) but maybe just some walking would help. And only 20 minutes. You are super busy. Just do that and take some pressure off yourself. You're so organized that maybe your cortisol is going up. I don't know, just a thought...just be sure not to beat yourself up over it. I can't get inspired in a gym. Maybe outdoors would lower your stress level. The stress comes through in your writing. No one can deny that you're super dedicated, but maybe you need to relax. Oh, and one thing - housework kills calories. Excuse yourself from the "workouts" to lower your stress by doing laundry, chores as exercise and kill two birds with one stone.

http://caloriecount.about.c
om/activities-home-activities-ac5 -- I count this as my fitness minutes.

Wish you the best! Hope you aren't annoyed. emoticon You sound like a super person.

Comment edited on: 9/11/2012 4:10:53 PM

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ERIN1128 9/11/2012 12:15PM

    New day, new start!

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GORIANA 9/11/2012 11:23AM

    Wow, that is a Loy of stuff. Good luck. emoticon

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4EVERADONEGIRL 9/11/2012 10:58AM

    New day - new opportunities!!! You can do it!

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WHIP IT CHALLENGE: Week 1

Monday, September 10, 2012

"Perfect" To-Do Lists

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 10th
emoticon Eat Mostly Paleo
emoticon About 2,000 Calories Daily
emoticon 5 Servings of Freggies a Day

* Breakfast at Home, around 500 Calories
* Healthy Lunch, around 500 Calories
* 2-3 Healthy Snacks, for a total of 500 Calories
* Dinner at Home, around 500 Calories

emoticon At least 60 Minutes Working Out Daily
emoticon About 500 Calories Burned Per Day

* Morning Workout: Laps
* Evening Workout: Walking/Running and Bodyweight ST Moves
* Plank-A-Day Planks (current goal: 4 minutes prone, 1 minute side)

emoticon Work Every Day

* Get all cases to completion for now
* Clean office
* Begin attempts for sponsorship for poster contest project

emoticon Drink at least 80-115 oz Water Per Day

emoticon Mom Stuff

* Ethan - Football Practice
* Check boys' homework

emoticon Evening Chores

* Laundry
* Dishes
* Kitchen

emoticon Bed by 10:00 p.m.


TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 11th
emoticon Eat Mostly Paleo
emoticon About 2,000 Calories Daily
emoticon 5 Servings of Freggies a Day

* Breakfast at Home, around 500 Calories
* Healthy Lunch, around 500 Calories
* 2-3 Healthy Snacks, for a total of 500 Calories
* Dinner at Home, around 500 Calories

emoticon At least 60 Minutes Working Out Daily
emoticon About 500 Calories Burned Per Day

* Morning Workout: Bike and ST
* Evening Workout: Laps
* Plank-A-Day Planks (current goal: 4 minutes prone, 1 minute side)

emoticon Work Every Day

* Get all cases to completion for now
* Clean office
* Begin attempts for sponsorship for poster contest project

emoticon Drink at least 80-115 oz Water Per Day

emoticon Mom Stuff

* Ethan - Football Practice - ask Hubs to take him
* Check boys' homework

emoticon Evening Chores

* Living Room
* Dishes

emoticon Bed by 10:00 p.m.


WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 12th
emoticon Eat Mostly Paleo
emoticon About 2,000 Calories Daily
emoticon 5 Servings of Freggies a Day

* Breakfast at Home, around 500 Calories
* Healthy Lunch, around 500 Calories
* 2-3 Healthy Snacks, for a total of 500 Calories
* Dinner at Home, around 500 Calories

emoticon At least 60 Minutes Working Out Daily
emoticon About 500 Calories Burned Per Day

* Morning Workout: Laps
* Evening Workout: Rockin' Body or Sports at the Park
* Plank-A-Day Planks (current goal: 4 minutes prone, 1 minute side)

emoticon Work Every Day

* Get all cases to completion for now
* Clean office
* Begin attempts for sponsorship for poster contest project

emoticon Drink at least 80-115 oz Water Per Day

emoticon Mom Stuff

* Pick up Logan from Band
* Check boys' homework

emoticon Evening Chores

* Laundry
* Dishes
* Kitchen
* Bathroom

emoticon Bed by 10:00 p.m.


THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 13th
emoticon Eat Mostly Paleo
emoticon About 2,000 Calories Daily
emoticon 5 Servings of Freggies a Day

* Breakfast at Home, around 500 Calories
* Healthy Lunch, around 500 Calories
* 2-3 Healthy Snacks, for a total of 500 Calories
* Dinner at Home, around 500 Calories

emoticon At least 60 Minutes Working Out Daily
emoticon About 500 Calories Burned Per Day

* Morning Workout: Bike and ST
* Evening Workout: Walking/Running and Bodyweight ST Moves
* Plank-A-Day Planks (current goal: 4 minutes prone, 1 minute side)

emoticon Work Every Day

* Get all cases to completion for now
* Clean office
* Begin attempts for sponsorship for poster contest project

emoticon Drink at least 80-115 oz Water Per Day

emoticon Mom Stuff

* Ethan - Football Practice
* Check boys' homework

emoticon Evening Chores

* Laundry
* Dishes
* Kitchen

emoticon Bed by 10:00 p.m.


FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 14th
emoticon Eat Mostly Paleo
emoticon About 2,000 Calories Daily
emoticon 5 Servings of Freggies a Day

* Breakfast at Home, around 500 Calories
* Healthy Lunch, around 500 Calories
* 2-3 Healthy Snacks, for a total of 500 Calories
* Dinner at Home, around 500 Calories

emoticon At least 60 Minutes Working Out Daily
emoticon About 500 Calories Burned Per Day

* Morning Workout: Laps
* Evening Workout: Rockin Body or Sports at the Park
* Plank-A-Day Planks (current goal: 4 minutes prone, 1 minute side)

emoticon Work Every Day

* Get all cases to completion for now
* Clean office
* Begin attempts for sponsorship for poster contest project

emoticon Drink at least 80-115 oz Water Per Day

emoticon Mom Stuff

* Check boys' homework

emoticon Evening Chores

* Dishes
* Dog Flea Bath

emoticon Bed by 11:00 p.m.


SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 15th
emoticon Eat Mostly Paleo
emoticon About 2,000 Calories Daily
emoticon 5 Servings of Freggies a Day

* Breakfast at Home, around 500 Calories
* Healthy Lunch, around 500 Calories
* 2-3 Healthy Snacks, for a total of 500 Calories
* Dinner at Home, around 500 Calories

emoticon At least 60 Minutes Working Out Daily
emoticon About 500 Calories Burned Per Day

* Morning Workout: Football Drills with Ethan
* Evening Workout: Walk with the Dogs
* Plank-A-Day Planks (current goal: 4 minutes prone, 1 minute side)

emoticon Work Every Day

* Apply to at least 3 job openings
* Redo resume and cover letter

emoticon Drink at least 80-115 oz Water Per Day

emoticon Mom Stuff

* Ethan - Football Drills for agility, stamina and footwork
* Logan - Haircut

emoticon Chores

* Laundry
* Dishes
* Lawn
* Garden
* Car
* Grocery Shopping

emoticon Bed by 11:00 p.m.


--------
Read the Intro to my Whip It Challenge here:
www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_jo
urnal_individual.asp?blog_id=5052144

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HEALTH-E-CLARE 9/10/2012 3:30PM

    Sounds like you have a busy week, but you are amazing and will make it to your goals. Now start checking some of those items off your list!

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MIZINA730 9/10/2012 2:40PM

    Wow, what an amazing plan! You will without doubt succeed. It's very reasonable and balanced. Methodical thinker. Excellent coverage including your family.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BAYBELIEVER 9/10/2012 10:44AM

    Wow! What a plan!

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WHIP IT CHALLENGE

Monday, September 10, 2012

Crack that whip
Give the past a slip
...

When a problem comes along
You must whip it
Before the cream sets out too long
You must whip it
When something's goin' wrong
You must whip it

Now whip it
Into shape
Shape it up
Get straight
Go forward
Move ahead
Try to detect it
It's not too late
To whip it
Whip it good

Read more: DEVO - WHIP IT LYRICS http://www.metrolyrics.com/whip-it-lyrics-
devo.html#ixzz264LZzU00
Copied from MetroLyrics.com
----------------------------------------
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-----------------------------------

Challenge Start Date: September 10, 2012
Challenge End Date: October 31, 2012

Sure, I could have called it the "Fall Challenge" or the "Halloween Challenge" but, honestly, how fun is that? It's time to crack the whip. Time to stop thinking and start doing. Go forward. Move ahead. That's what I need right now.

I have to admit that I lost my 170 pounds lost badge again as I somehow managed to pack on 8 pounds in a week last week (yes, I know that's not right...it's from the disordered eating I've had lately). So we're actually starting this challenge around 302-304 pounds, but I'm not calling it that way.

Starting Weight: 296.4
Goal Weight: 286.4
Goal of: 10 pounds lost

I had a long talk with my mom this weekend and she really validated some of my fears. It felt good to feel like someone really understood what I was going through and didn't fault my inability to focus as the one and only reason I haven't gotten any farther along this path. She understood that it's not just about me failing to succeed right now. In fact, she credited my determination while working against problems that aren't entirely my fault...well, at least they aren't entirely in my control.

Let's face it - everyone talks about the negative effects gaining weight can have on your body. We've all heard the horror stories and risk factors and crap about damaging your organs and causing undue strain on your joints. Yea. Got that. Thanks. But what no one likes to talk about is the negative mental and actual physical problems that can come out of losing a lot of weight. It's not just about sagging skin. Talking to my mother made me realize that it's not just me. I'm not "broken" somehow. I've lost 170 pounds. I do about 1,000 times more than I did when I was even just 100 pounds heavier. I'm more active. I'm constantly moving. And, in some respects, I'm torturing my body when I deprive it of the food it thinks it needs because I'm trying to be hard on myself and create a huge deficit. Since losing the weight I have developed serious mobility issues. Who would have thought they'd ever hear anyone say that? I actually blurted out loud yesterday to my mother, "Sometimes I wish I was bigger again...it was easier."

It's the dirty little secret no one wants you to know about. And even though I said that, I honestly don't want to gain weight again. In fact, I'm terrified of gaining weight now. I'm obsessive about food and exercise, which isn't exactly healthy, but it isn't as unhealthy as my former addiction to killing myself with fattening and sugar-laden foods. But I'm going through some serious mental crap right now because of this weight loss. And to top it off? The problems have been physical as well. Tilted pelvis. Hip pain. PF pain that will not go away. Pains in my stomach/abs. Pains in my neck. Migraines on a regular basis. I honestly was not living in this much chronic pain when I was heavier (granted, I did suffer a lot of pain 170 pounds ago...but about 30-40 pounds ago I was flying high and feeling great). So it's hard to be thankful and happy about my accomplishments when I'm feeling so worn out from the negative physical pains I'm experiencing on a daily basis.

Does that mean I'm going to stop? No. Because I think the only way out of this is forward.

My mom and I talked about skin removal surgery and she honestly thinks it's time I started asking about it. Even if the doc I see says I need to wait a bit, it's time to start getting some information about it and start learning the options I have. Of course, for insurance to cover it, I have to prove it's medically necessary and document the physical problems it causes. I have them (see above). So last night I lay in bed staring at the ceiling thinking about what I needed to do to get myself in order to even make an attempt at this and I came up with the following:

- I need to stock up some sick leave at work. This is going to be difficult. The chronic pain makes it difficult to survive a month without taking off a little time due to a migraine or severe back pain. But I need to struggle through and get some time stocked in the bank for when and if this ever happens.

- I need to make sure all my affairs are in order. You know, just in case.

- I need to get my house ready for the recovery period. I need to make sure everything is organized and settled because if this ever happens I won't be able to hop up and clean for hours on end or dig through a pile of clothes taller than me to find a shirt I want to wear.

- I need to lose as much weight as I possibly can between now and then. The less I have off me when the time comes, the more I'll get out of it.

- I need to make sure to keep my heart and other organs physically fit and able to handle the stresses of major surgery. I have to take care of myself and give myself the best chance possible. That means working out and maintaining my muscle mass as much as possible.

- I need to be ready mentally for a period of recovery. That means I will have to get myself to be okay with who I am. Otherwise I may slip into a depression when I'm back to being basically bed-ridden for however long and feeling like a dolt.

And, finally...

- I need to plan for if it doesn't happen. I need to keep moving forward with my life, my career, my fitness goals. I can't just sit around wishing a magical surgical instrument is going to fix it all for me. I have to be ready to hear a possibly disappointing outcome if, say, my insurance refuses to cover it. And I need to get myself financially stable so that if it doesn't and I still want to move forward, I might be able to consider it still.

So, the best way to move forward is just to move forward. I'm not waiting around for miracles. I know how that turns out. I'm just going to put my best foot forward and pray for the best. And the only way I know how to do that is to challenge myself.

I love To Do lists. I honestly do. I love checking things off. Plus, they help keep me focused. But To Do lists can also harm my mental state. If I can't check everything off, then I'm not perfect. And we all know how well the battle to be perfect turns out for most people. So, I think what I'll do is set up a list for perfection. Set up a To Do List for the perfect day of diet, fitness, mothering, wifely duties, house cleaning, etc. But I'm going to set a check off goal of 80%. It's something important I've learned from this journey I've been on. 80% is pretty darn good. It's plenty to strive for and if you get more, great! If you get less, you honestly could probably have done more. But 80% means you rolled with the punches and stayed pretty "on" the whole day. Who can ask for more than that? Each week I'll lay out my "Perfect To Do List" and each day I'll evaluate how I've done. Hopefully by the end of this I can get myself firmly into the 280s as my goal is to end the year around 260-270.

So...here we go! Crack that whip! ;)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ERIN1128 9/10/2012 1:41PM

    OMG, so true about the to-do list - love it and hate it, LOL! I really like your 80% goal, I think that's a great idea - important to leave some forgiveness room in there. :-)

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4EVERADONEGIRL 9/10/2012 1:29PM

    Way to go on making some progress on the mental/emotional front!! And this Whip It Challenge sounds like it's just what you need! Way to go!!!!

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KKINNEA 9/10/2012 10:18AM

    Nice work!! I can see that whip cracking along! Thinking of you and cheering you on!!

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SEBASTIANALADY 9/10/2012 9:50AM

  It sounds like you are taking a realistic look at where you are and where you want to be. Best wishes and stay strong and determined.

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 9/10/2012 9:45AM

    How amazing are these numbers you are writing. End the year at 260-270!!! I'm cheering you on all the way girl. As for the skin surgery... it's not an if, but a when you get it. You have worked hard and deserve it! I can't even imagince how much easier exericse and things will be for you when you get it.

Sorry to hear that things are aching and I know that migraines are the worst.

Love the Whip It Challenge and the Perfect To Do List with an 80% goal, because all too often we get down on ourselves when we aren't 100% and we fail to realize that no-one is 100% all the time. You are going to rock the challenge and I'll be here cheering you on! emoticon

Comment edited on: 9/10/2012 9:45:58 AM

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Look...Forget I Said Anything...

Wednesday, September 05, 2012

I have this little Capricornian trait about me wherein I'm terrified of succeeding because life is all about the will to power through and drive forward and move ahead and do better. I get that. And I try to watch myself when I'm going to that place.

Yesterday, I went to that place. I literally freaked out. I mean, I'm extremely happy I get to lose my "300-Pound Woman" title. I've wanted it gone for so long! (You can read about my thoughts on this in yesterday's "Losing My Title" blog: fitfatgirlblogs.blogspot.com/ ) But...it's scary, ya know?

I have been set on reaching this one singular goal since 2004! Actually, since the very first time I reached 300 pounds I thought to myself, "Oh no! This will not work! I will beat that demon down!" It took me more than 8 years to do it at least. And it's been a long, hard, but also fun road getting here.

But now that the little ticker has been checked off my list of to-dos...well, I had a bit of a freak out moment. What now? I mean, yes, lose more weight. But I will be straight up and honest with you...I have very few delusions of ever reaching the 100s. It does not seem fathomable or possible or even likely that I'll get there. And if I ever do...well, with as hard as I fought for the 200s, I just know the 100s are going to be THAT much harder. I just don't know if I have it in me. I don't mean that in a negative sort of way. I just honestly cannot grasp the concept of me being able to accomplish something like that. And I don't even know if I want to.

Sure, a "healthy weight" for me would be around 160. Great. Cool. Not really. The last time I weighed that I was in 6th grade. My son is in 7th grade right now. It does not even register within my brain that I will EVER be that small. And, honestly, I'm alright with that.

Also scaring the crap out of me? The excess skin issue. I'm honestly 100% terrified of getting anywhere near my goal weight because I'm afraid I'll have a major meltdown when I realize it isn't all I wanted it to be.

I've been big ALL my life. I mean as long as I can humanly remember I have been bigger than every other kid my age. I've been through all the taunting, teasing, and bullying. I've been punched in the back, called the most horrible names you can imagine, and spent many a lonely night wondering if life was really worth it. And that was just from the kids at school. It was a whole other list of beatings and punishments and insults at home. Life wasn't kind to me. And I don't say that to get sympathy. I've come to a place in my life where I can push aside the "it's not fair!" bitterness of it all and appreciate how my suffering has made me into the strong, resilient and understanding and caring woman I am today. I am proud when I look at my scars because it is another test I passed, another battle I fought my way through and came out the other side. I consider myself a survivor, and there is amazing power in that. I would not be here if I had not realized that by now.

That being said. I do not know how to be anything but the fat girl. Therefore, I cannot imagine a life in which I do not hold that label. So I guess that scares me.

What's more, even when I get there, I'm going to be taking my wounds and scars with me - mostly in the form of excess skin. This means that even once I shed the fat girl title, I will never be able to claim a "normal girl" title because I won't be able to do things like wear a 2-piece or wear skimpy running shorts and a sports bra. I will be 100% honest. I find loose, baggy skin the most hideous thing in the world. It's ugly. It makes a person look 80 years old. And I'm terrified because I know that will be me. I can already see it happening.

So as great as all the victories are...and as extremely happy I am to be on this side of 300, I'm 100% freaked out and paranoid about what's to come.

Caused a major meltdown and a major case of self-sabotage overeating last night. And I knew it was happening and somehow was powerless to stop it.

So let's just forget I said anything. Carry on. Go about your business. Because I'm not ready to celebrate just yet. I'm too busy freaking the frack out!

The only good thing is...I've been in this place before. I mean, not HERE exactly...this is a bit of uncharted territory...but I've had these feelings and emotions before and I should know by now how to push through them. Because as scared as I am for the future, I'm excited about it as well. I would really, really, REALLY like to see the other side of 290 by the end of this month. I'd like to put a good bit of distance between me and the 300 line so I can be sure I never have to see it again. And the ONLY way I'm going to do that is if I regain my focus and get my butt in gear. That means there isn't time to be freaking out because I need all that energy on calorie counts and sticking to my workouts.

So I'm going to focus on my new background. Forget skinny. I'm becoming an action hero. I may not save the world, but I might just teach my kids how to push through when it's hard, or I might one day inspire someone else to get up and get moving because there is beauty around the next bend. Who knows. I just know that my focus needs to be as straight as Katniss' right now. No second guessing. No time to think. Just do.

=== === === === === ===

Days to next weigh-in: 2
Fitness Minutes this week: 110/250
Fitness Workout to Complete Today: 50-60 minutes sports at the park
Last night's plank time: 2:00
Tonight's plank goal: 2:10
Tonight's side plank goal: 0:30

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MIZCATHI 9/6/2012 11:00AM

    You have a lot of the fears and anxieties I always had. I spent a good portion of my adult life at almost 300 lbs and then about 325 lbs. There were many times when I thought I would never be "normal". It took many false starts and stops, but in my 50's I am now "almost" 200 lbs and have been in the range of 193 to 200 for about a year now. I know what's going on, it's just a matter of making it important for myself to get to goal.

In your thirties your skin as a lot more elasticity than at my age, trust me. But make no bones about it, lose skin is a lot better for you than that skin pumped up with fat. As you know, it ages your organs internally. When I complain about my saggy skin my husband always reminds me of that.
Your saggy skin will bounce back in time, and if not, there are many compromises you can make with fashion and still be expressive and lovely. And there is surgery. There is a girl in her late 30's at the Y who has lost over 100 lbs like myself. She just had surgery on her arms and has other plans, one step at a time.

Your plan to move ahead one month at a time with small changes in your life will all add up to a stronger you - just keep pushing and loving yourself a long the way. You will not regret any action you take that brings you to a realized self.

Comment edited on: 9/6/2012 11:03:00 AM

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SEBASTIANALADY 9/6/2012 8:46AM

  I don't think the only choices available are having a smooth skinned bikini body or staying in the high 200s.

You could go to the low 200s and be a lot more active, mobile and energetic.

You could be 170 and wear a tankini at the beach (tank styled top and board shorts or a skirt).

Or all kinds of numbers in between.

I am not going to end my fitness journey ready to pose for the SI swimsuit issue. But who cares? I will be able to take long walks on the beach and boardwalk without having to rest on a bench. I'll be able to snorkle for long periods without getting out of breath. Maybe I'll even be more sucessful at surfing by improving my core muscles.

I have unpleasant memories of junior high and high school too. But I am not going to let some idiotic teen from the past keep bullying me a couple decades later.

You get to choose your goals. Don't let fear choose it for you.

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LINZEE636 9/5/2012 10:08PM

    Thank you so much for sharing this blog. I think that you are amazing and honest. Nothing about losing weight is easy and telling the truth about your fears of continuing to lose and what that may or may not mean to you just seems liberating. Grab onto that excitement because while you may never identify as a "normal girl," your perseverance is simply inspiring and that makes you great!

I want you to know that you really are a hero :) can't wait to see you "on the other side" (as you say!)...

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 9/5/2012 9:17PM

    I'm so glad that you are no longer the 300 lb woman! I know how hard you've been working on getting rid of that title, and I couldn't be happier for you.

Sounds like you have a solid plan to continue on with this success.

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LINOVER 9/5/2012 5:25PM

    Congratulations on losing your old title! I hope to be able to do the same within the next year!
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I know you will continue to strive to reach your goal weight and you will defnitely do it!

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WADINGMOOSE 9/5/2012 5:22PM

    You've hit a huge milestone. That's fantastic. And so is your fear. I find that I'm regularly conquering my fears with this change in my life. I've spent a lot of time avoiding doing the things I'm afraid of - which included fear of success AND fear of failure - tell me how that works. That doesn't even address the smaller fears I've got going on. But conquering them feels pretty freaking amazing.

So when you conquer this fear, you're going to feel great. And it doesn't matter what your next goal is. It could be to lose 5 lbs. It could be just to maintain things. It could be just to maintain your habits and see where it takes you.

But you know what? All of that is up to you. Completely up to you and it's all completely flexible. It's that sense of control over my life that is the most disconcerting, I think.

I'm not sure this made any sense or is of any help, but I'm impressed by your success. Great job.



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JOYFULSPIRIT920 9/5/2012 2:19PM

    Congrats on reaching that goal. What a wonderful accomplishment.
Don't let fear keep you from pushing onward.
Very few of us will ever have the body of a supermodel, but that's okay. The world has enough of those already. What its lacking is women who love themselves regardless of their physical appearance.

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JULIA1154 9/5/2012 2:00PM

  Thank you for a heart-felt, honest and inspiring blog. I am glad I read it.

All I can say is don't let fear deprive you of the joy of accomplishment nor the benefits of losing the rest of the weight. You sound like a pretty strong woman who is getting stronger every day. Just take it one pound at a time and don't borrow trouble by worrying about the future. Trust me, no matter what happens, the future will be better without those extra pounds.

Keep calm and carry on!

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RUNNER12COM 9/5/2012 1:22PM

    I love everything about this blog, even the fear and tension and freaking out. Because it's so damn honest and in-your-face.

Action Hero, indeed!

Comment edited on: 9/5/2012 1:23:00 PM

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ERIN1128 9/5/2012 12:04PM

    You're doing awesome, and I know we all really appreciate your ongoing honesty.

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WALLAHALLA 9/5/2012 12:03PM

    emoticon emoticon
I have faith in you! You are doing amazing, and will continue to do so.

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IRISHBEANERGAL 9/5/2012 11:30AM

    ok - so loose skin... terrifies me.

I talked with my doc - I was upfront and honest. And he said "if your loose skin becomes an issue I will help you fight for coverage to remove it as medically necessary".

WHAT? They can do that? Apparently they can if it is causing other health issues - like rashes from rubbing, and other stuff... who knew? I just figured it was cosmetic...

I also figure this - if I absolutely positively don't like how I look with the loose skin - I can always "fill it back up" with my old self. Stupid comment - but it IS an option - and somehow that satisfies my (CRAZY) thinking process. It makes me feel as if I have some control.

Weird...

Con
gratulations on entering the 200s - you've fought hard for every single pound - and it will pay off!

~Irish

Comment edited on: 9/5/2012 11:30:56 AM

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IRONBLOSSOM 9/5/2012 11:29AM

    Excess skin is a fear of mine as well, it's one reason I want to lose the weight NOW while I'm still barely in my 30s and not later in life.

But I'll tell ya, my mom yoyo dieted for YEARS up to 50-60 pounds either way and she is now trim and without any loose skin. It takes a while but it WILL tighten up to some extent. You don't know how you'll look till you get there. Many people who lose a lot have the skin tightening surgery, but many people do not, you won't know which one you'll be until you reach your goal!

Don't let past bullying get you down. Kids are cruel to anyone who isn't like them. You weren't like them so you were a target. I wasn't like them either and I was a target, luckily I was able to homeschool and get away from the majority of it.

You just have to live this life for yourself and your family, don't let your jerkbrain (the one that says "I can't, I shouldn't, I won't") keep you from living the life you deserve!!

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ABEAUTIFULMESS1 9/5/2012 11:10AM

    I totally understand how you're feeling!!! I am sooo close to being on the other side of 300 and can't wait to lose the "300 lb woman" title that seems to just linger. But, I'm also scared of what's to come when the reality of what losing all this extra weight will look like and feel like. I know that it can take your mind a while to catch up with your body- especially when you've lost a substantial amount of weight, but we'll get there!! Sometimes, even though right now the adventure seems scary and we have our ideas of how things will turn out, you don't know the reality until you actually get there, and while it might be a crazy, wild ride, the end might be even greater than you could ever imagine! Its sometimes hard to see scary situations ending well- and its ok to be uneasy about what's to come, but its also ok to let yourself be excited!

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SUSIEQ911 9/5/2012 10:29AM

    While I understand what you're saying, I have to say that you are NOT powerless.

YOU ARE POWERFUL AND YOU CAN REACH YOUR GOALS.

Don't doubt yourself or sell yourself short. You can do this!

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RESTORETOSANITY 9/5/2012 9:49AM

  I stayed really heavy for 20 years after losing it all in a short time. One of the reasons was my brain couldn't wrap around the changes. The skin wasn't an issue...THEN, cause I was in my 20's, LOL. Now that I'm on the other side of 45 and losing, thinking about the loose skin actually helped prevent me from making the decision to go for this...until I decided I would rather be smaller, period. I promised myself if after a year of letting my brain adjust (and my skin), and this is after hitting or close to hitting goal weight, if after a year the skin distressed me, I would seek surgery. I don't like surgery, and I'm usually pretty poverty stricken, but I figured out for me this issue was a reservation to help me keep eating compulsively. So I promised myself I would check it out if it became an issue, and just wear elbow length sleeves to work (my own personal compromise on the part that's already an issue). So, your mileage may vary, but this was my experience. In any case, hang in there. And there's never a blog you post that I didn't think wasn't worth reading!

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MIZINA730 9/5/2012 9:25AM

    I'm not sure losing the next number of pounds will be as hard as what you've just done. I would guess that your body is getting used to dropping weight. Just my gut feeling.

As far as it not being what you wanted it to be, the real issue there is bullying. Once you can work through that, I think you will allow yourself to be what you want to be.

Don't worry about excess skin. Address it when you get there. You don't even know what your weight will be when that problem pops up. Maybe you'll decide that you'll stop at 220 pounds if excess skin starts at that point and you really don't want it. Just don't decide something like that now. Don't cross a bridge that you haven't gotten to yet. You'll take away important choices from yourself if you do. In my mind, getting rid of excess skin is more pounds lost, but I certainly am not you, and am probably more pragmatic than you are. I am thinking about the same thing, possibly to a different degree, but I may face that nonetheless. Time will tell and I'm not worried about that now.

Just rejoice in your glory and don't think about the future. Just keep up what you're doing. When you started, you had a certain goal in mind, and just see what happens. At the very least, you'll find out what happens and you won't have to wonder what could have been. Personally, I think you do want to go to 200 or below, or as close to 200 as possible. I can see that between the lines. So keep going!

Now that I'm at the end of your blog, I can see that you are going to continue! Yes! I think you're doing absolutely terrific. And you are already inspiring others.

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August Recap / September Goals

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

AUGUST GOALS
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AUGUST REALITY

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Weight

I thought about not setting a weight goal because I don't plan on weighing in until September 1st (if I can help it), but I will say that I'd like to lose another 5-6 pounds like this month. That'd make me feel great and would set me up to be DONE with this plateau and under the 300 mark. Still, I'm not weighing in so I won't be able to stress over the numbers there. There are so many other beautiful numbers I can focus on - like fitness minutes! ;)

Weight August 1st: 304.2

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Weigh-in on September 1st put me in at 296.4, a loss of 7.8 pounds!
I'm going to go ahead and say that I've:

* Broken my plateau!
* Started losing weight again, finally!
* Reached a milestone! I am no longer that 300-lb woman. I'm an ALMOST 300 pound woman. *lol*

So, how did this happen? What did I do to get here? I stuck it out. Focused on being as healthy as possible, and let the rest just take care of itself. There's something to be said for putting the tools away for a bit when they're frustrating the crap out of you.

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Fitness

So this month, and with sticking with my pattern/theme, I'm shooting for 888 minutes. *dopey grin* That would average out to almost 29 minutes every day. A marked improvement.

And how am I going to get there? I'm sticking with the following schedule for August.

Sunday - 30m yoga/PT stretches
Monday - Swim
Tuesday - NROLFW
Wednesday - Swim
Thursday - NROLFW
Friday - Swim
Saturday - 30 minute walk or run

I will try to make every workout I can without stressing myself if I miss one here or there.

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So, I didn't exactly reach my goal. 888 minutes. It should not have been hard. And had I been able to make that final week's push I would have made it easily. But whatever the hell was going around hit me last week and it hit me HARD. I couldn't STAND without getting severely dizzy, so working out was literally out of the question. Even Saturday when I started my Plank-A-Day Challenge I noticed some of the symptoms continue to linger, but I'm pushing through them now and still getting done what I need to get done.

Final count - 747/888

Honestly, I'm not all that pissed about it. It could have been better...but it could have been much worse. This calendar doesn't look that bad, actually...



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Food

Eat more Paleo. Also, I've reset my tickers again on both MFP and Spark, so they have me at a lower calorie range. I'm not lifting as hard as I was months back, so there's no need for me to refuel at higher ranges. Still, I'm not going to stress if I go over now and again. I've been eating pretty consistently around 2000-2400 calories so dipping down to 1600 is going to be really difficult if I try to just go there straight on. Plus, I don't think it would be good for my body. So I'm going to allow myself the higher level of my range - around 1950 - and not stress if I go over a couple hundred calories now and again. In fact, my plan is to not stress at all, because that just leads me to binge/emotional eating. I'll be fine eating anywhere from 1600 to 2400 calories...and I still will try to hold myself down from raging if I get to 2600 on a honest to goodness "hungry day"...because we all have them.

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It was a free-form type plan, but it actually worked for me. There wasn't a crapton of emotional eating or feelings of extreme guilt. It has been difficult adjusting to the new lifestyle restrictions of my family members (who would've thunk it!?), but I'm trying to settle into finding a happy medium of obsession and moderation. That being said, I didn't really track my food in August because I found it was stressing me out. Whenever I did check in, I realized I was eating anywhere from 1500 calories some days to about 2500 others. I was generally in a good place, so I didn't much concern myself over it.

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OTHER

I'm also going to work on keeping my "Weekend Projects" going around the house.

Also, I want to try to keep up my off-site blog. fitfatgirlblogs.blogspot.com/

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- That didn't happen! *lol*
- But that did, for the most part. It's been challenging, but fun.
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======================

So, all in all, August was a pretty okay month for me. 747 fitness minutes. A mile swim success. 7+ pounds lost on the scale. And a milestone of 299 hit and surpassed.

All in a month's work, right?! ;)

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SEPTEMBER GOALS
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Weight

September 1st WI: 296.4
October 1st GOAL: 291.4

Loss of: 5 pounds

(I'm trying to be reasonable here...)

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Fitness

Fitness Minutes: 1000
(250 per week for 4 weeks, which is about 5 workouts each week that last 50 minutes)



Basic Plan:
Sunday - Yoga
Monday - Swim
Tuesday - Bike
Wednesday - Run/Walk
Thursday - Swim
Friday - Bike
Saturday - Football Drills*

I ran football drills with Ethan on Sunday since he had the day off from games for the holiday weekend. I figured it couldn't hurt for him to see me doing what I was asking him to do and I thought it might ignite some competitive spirit in him. We gathered all our things on Sunday, headed to the HS football field, and spent the next 60+ minutes (we had to stop for a potty break) doing things I thought might help him on the field. We ran through his warm-ups first, just so he could see me doing them as well. We ran a lap around the track, did bear crawls and high knees - everything they force them to do at practice. We did a 20-yard-dash and timed out some planks and even ran one round of stadiums (running up the bleachers and back down again). My entire body was sore the next day (and today), but it felt really good to get out there and practice throwing and blocking and snapping the ball with him, and I think he really loved it. Plus, it's a friggin' Kick-Arse workout! So we're adding those in once a week this month for the benefit of both him and I.

I'm also adding in biking. I don't know why...but I felt I needed to get out of the water a little bit before it gets old and I start hating it.

And, no, I haven't really set aside real ST time, but I plan on trying to get it in where I can. *shrug* What can I say? I can't be 100% perfect, so I don't even try any longer. I'm going to do what I can. Agree to what I know I can commit to...and then try to push myself from there.

Also, as I mentioned, we're doing a Plank-A-Day Challenge. I missed yesterday (seriously ticked me off, but whatever), but otherwise I started my planking on September 1st and was proud to still be able to go past a minute. Next goal? Hold it longer than 2 minutes. Other goal? Get to 1 minute on side planks (HA! I can do 20 seconds now and I whine the entire time! *lol*).

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Food

No more than 6 times eating out this month.
Pack lunches from leftovers or sandwiches.
Eat mostly Paleo, but allow some indulgences.
Track all food at least 4 days a week.
Stay around 2000 calories.
FOLLOW THE MEAL PLAN!

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OTHER

Drink 10+ glasses of water per day.
Blog at least 4 times a week.
Use weekends to organize the house STAT! I wasted last month. No more!

emoticon What are your September Goals?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HEALTH-E-CLARE 9/5/2012 9:30PM

    My September Goal is to get back on track eating wise.

Awesome job on all your success in August. You worked hard and deserved every pound lost and all the other success.

Football drills sounds like a fun way to exercise. One drill that I really like is called the "T drill" You run 10m forward, side shuffle 5m to the right, side shuffle back to center, side shuffle 5m to the left, side shuffle back to center, and back peddle to the start. Repeat as neccessary. It really helps with agility

Enjoy your September goals!

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WALLAHALLA 9/4/2012 8:23PM

    Great plan. You do a good job of reflecting and thinking ahead.

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VALIENDRA 9/4/2012 7:26PM

    I also think August was a good month for you ! And... You rock. I'm pretty sure it's a blast to be able to say that you ain't 300 anymore!
Congrats !

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SUGIRL06 9/4/2012 7:12PM

    Way to go in September!!! You did amazing!!!! And great goals for August!
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~Ang

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CHICAT63 9/4/2012 6:56PM

    Woohoo congrats on breaking your plateau !!!! You did it and you rock. Here is to you and September. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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IRONBLOSSOM 9/4/2012 5:08PM

    GREAT August, here's to an even better September!

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MIZINA730 9/4/2012 3:02PM

    You did fantastic! And it certainly did pay off!

Congrats! emoticon

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BAYBELIEVER 9/4/2012 2:36PM

    Congratulations!! So proud of you! Even though you didn't hit all your goals, you did hang in there! And that is what is important!

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ERIN1128 9/4/2012 1:39PM

    AWESOME on breaking the plateau!!!! That is HUGE! Woo hoo!

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ATROTTIER 9/4/2012 12:56PM

    So so proud of you!!! =)

My goals are pretty simple, I am getting over this stupid cold and getting back on the track! I am still in Week 6 of Rookie to 5K training so I want to finish up the program this month and hopefully have a week at the end of the month to train outside for this 5K Mud Run I have scheduled on Oct 6th - My BIL told me to run in the sand at the beach and I think that might be wise since mud is way different than a darn treadmill!!

Sept goals
900+ fitness minutes (5K training + endurance training)
Get outside for some running/training - step away from the treadmill, it's not real life!! I have to keep telling myself that!
stay within my calorie range (1350-1600 cals)
Lose 5 lbs!!!

September is feeling good!!!

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VICKYMARIEC 9/4/2012 12:51PM

    Do the stickers on your calendar mean taht you've achieved something? You did FABULOUS in August!

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GUITARWOMAN 9/4/2012 12:21PM

    Great weight loss!

I always find it interesting and inspiring to read your plans!


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ARUNNINGKAT 9/4/2012 12:10PM

    I am so excited for you on your weight loss! You have definitely earned it girl! Have a fabulous September!! emoticon emoticon

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MAGPIE17 9/4/2012 11:05AM

    Woohoo!!! Go E!! You broke the 300 mark!! I'm sooo proud of you, girl.

I have a 5K coming up at the end of the month (Sept. 30 - Canadian Breast Cancer Society's Run for the Cure) and a "Warrior Dash-esque" race (the BadA$s Dash) on October 6 that I'm working towards. The man and I did a TON of walking and hiking while on holidays, and we're going to keep the hiking up, hopefully! So my September goals are:

-1500 fitness minutes
-train like mad for my races
-35 minute 5K race

I'd also like to lose 5 lbs, but I'll be happy if I can meet the three above goals!

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MAMADWARF 9/4/2012 9:59AM

    Congratulations!,,, I know how great getting under that 300 mark must feel, now you can finally move on. Its been a Long haul because i have been there too and I'm sick of it!
I'm proud of you for sticking it out and never giving up!

My goals for this week is to lose one pound. My goal for the month is to lose 5. My exercise goal is this week I'm going to try week one of running for a mile and see if my knees can handle it. Wish me luck!

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KAYOTIC 9/4/2012 9:39AM

    emoticon

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NOTABOUTHEFACE 9/4/2012 9:14AM

    emoticon and emoticon on the August goals!

Time to kick September's azzarooni!

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MYUTMOST4HIM 9/4/2012 9:00AM

    WOWSER!! GREAT PLAN and congrats on you August successes too!!!


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