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Monday, September 10, 2012

Crack that whip
Give the past a slip

When a problem comes along
You must whip it
Before the cream sets out too long
You must whip it
When something's goin' wrong
You must whip it

Now whip it
Into shape
Shape it up
Get straight
Go forward
Move ahead
Try to detect it
It's not too late
To whip it
Whip it good

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Challenge Start Date: September 10, 2012
Challenge End Date: October 31, 2012

Sure, I could have called it the "Fall Challenge" or the "Halloween Challenge" but, honestly, how fun is that? It's time to crack the whip. Time to stop thinking and start doing. Go forward. Move ahead. That's what I need right now.

I have to admit that I lost my 170 pounds lost badge again as I somehow managed to pack on 8 pounds in a week last week (yes, I know that's not's from the disordered eating I've had lately). So we're actually starting this challenge around 302-304 pounds, but I'm not calling it that way.

Starting Weight: 296.4
Goal Weight: 286.4
Goal of: 10 pounds lost

I had a long talk with my mom this weekend and she really validated some of my fears. It felt good to feel like someone really understood what I was going through and didn't fault my inability to focus as the one and only reason I haven't gotten any farther along this path. She understood that it's not just about me failing to succeed right now. In fact, she credited my determination while working against problems that aren't entirely my fault...well, at least they aren't entirely in my control.

Let's face it - everyone talks about the negative effects gaining weight can have on your body. We've all heard the horror stories and risk factors and crap about damaging your organs and causing undue strain on your joints. Yea. Got that. Thanks. But what no one likes to talk about is the negative mental and actual physical problems that can come out of losing a lot of weight. It's not just about sagging skin. Talking to my mother made me realize that it's not just me. I'm not "broken" somehow. I've lost 170 pounds. I do about 1,000 times more than I did when I was even just 100 pounds heavier. I'm more active. I'm constantly moving. And, in some respects, I'm torturing my body when I deprive it of the food it thinks it needs because I'm trying to be hard on myself and create a huge deficit. Since losing the weight I have developed serious mobility issues. Who would have thought they'd ever hear anyone say that? I actually blurted out loud yesterday to my mother, "Sometimes I wish I was bigger was easier."

It's the dirty little secret no one wants you to know about. And even though I said that, I honestly don't want to gain weight again. In fact, I'm terrified of gaining weight now. I'm obsessive about food and exercise, which isn't exactly healthy, but it isn't as unhealthy as my former addiction to killing myself with fattening and sugar-laden foods. But I'm going through some serious mental crap right now because of this weight loss. And to top it off? The problems have been physical as well. Tilted pelvis. Hip pain. PF pain that will not go away. Pains in my stomach/abs. Pains in my neck. Migraines on a regular basis. I honestly was not living in this much chronic pain when I was heavier (granted, I did suffer a lot of pain 170 pounds ago...but about 30-40 pounds ago I was flying high and feeling great). So it's hard to be thankful and happy about my accomplishments when I'm feeling so worn out from the negative physical pains I'm experiencing on a daily basis.

Does that mean I'm going to stop? No. Because I think the only way out of this is forward.

My mom and I talked about skin removal surgery and she honestly thinks it's time I started asking about it. Even if the doc I see says I need to wait a bit, it's time to start getting some information about it and start learning the options I have. Of course, for insurance to cover it, I have to prove it's medically necessary and document the physical problems it causes. I have them (see above). So last night I lay in bed staring at the ceiling thinking about what I needed to do to get myself in order to even make an attempt at this and I came up with the following:

- I need to stock up some sick leave at work. This is going to be difficult. The chronic pain makes it difficult to survive a month without taking off a little time due to a migraine or severe back pain. But I need to struggle through and get some time stocked in the bank for when and if this ever happens.

- I need to make sure all my affairs are in order. You know, just in case.

- I need to get my house ready for the recovery period. I need to make sure everything is organized and settled because if this ever happens I won't be able to hop up and clean for hours on end or dig through a pile of clothes taller than me to find a shirt I want to wear.

- I need to lose as much weight as I possibly can between now and then. The less I have off me when the time comes, the more I'll get out of it.

- I need to make sure to keep my heart and other organs physically fit and able to handle the stresses of major surgery. I have to take care of myself and give myself the best chance possible. That means working out and maintaining my muscle mass as much as possible.

- I need to be ready mentally for a period of recovery. That means I will have to get myself to be okay with who I am. Otherwise I may slip into a depression when I'm back to being basically bed-ridden for however long and feeling like a dolt.

And, finally...

- I need to plan for if it doesn't happen. I need to keep moving forward with my life, my career, my fitness goals. I can't just sit around wishing a magical surgical instrument is going to fix it all for me. I have to be ready to hear a possibly disappointing outcome if, say, my insurance refuses to cover it. And I need to get myself financially stable so that if it doesn't and I still want to move forward, I might be able to consider it still.

So, the best way to move forward is just to move forward. I'm not waiting around for miracles. I know how that turns out. I'm just going to put my best foot forward and pray for the best. And the only way I know how to do that is to challenge myself.

I love To Do lists. I honestly do. I love checking things off. Plus, they help keep me focused. But To Do lists can also harm my mental state. If I can't check everything off, then I'm not perfect. And we all know how well the battle to be perfect turns out for most people. So, I think what I'll do is set up a list for perfection. Set up a To Do List for the perfect day of diet, fitness, mothering, wifely duties, house cleaning, etc. But I'm going to set a check off goal of 80%. It's something important I've learned from this journey I've been on. 80% is pretty darn good. It's plenty to strive for and if you get more, great! If you get less, you honestly could probably have done more. But 80% means you rolled with the punches and stayed pretty "on" the whole day. Who can ask for more than that? Each week I'll lay out my "Perfect To Do List" and each day I'll evaluate how I've done. Hopefully by the end of this I can get myself firmly into the 280s as my goal is to end the year around 260-270. we go! Crack that whip! ;)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ERIN1128 9/10/2012 1:41PM

    OMG, so true about the to-do list - love it and hate it, LOL! I really like your 80% goal, I think that's a great idea - important to leave some forgiveness room in there. :-)

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4EVERADONEGIRL 9/10/2012 1:29PM

    Way to go on making some progress on the mental/emotional front!! And this Whip It Challenge sounds like it's just what you need! Way to go!!!!

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KKINNEA 9/10/2012 10:18AM

    Nice work!! I can see that whip cracking along! Thinking of you and cheering you on!!

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  It sounds like you are taking a realistic look at where you are and where you want to be. Best wishes and stay strong and determined.

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 9/10/2012 9:45AM

    How amazing are these numbers you are writing. End the year at 260-270!!! I'm cheering you on all the way girl. As for the skin surgery... it's not an if, but a when you get it. You have worked hard and deserve it! I can't even imagince how much easier exericse and things will be for you when you get it.

Sorry to hear that things are aching and I know that migraines are the worst.

Love the Whip It Challenge and the Perfect To Do List with an 80% goal, because all too often we get down on ourselves when we aren't 100% and we fail to realize that no-one is 100% all the time. You are going to rock the challenge and I'll be here cheering you on! emoticon

Comment edited on: 9/10/2012 9:45:58 AM

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Look...Forget I Said Anything...

Wednesday, September 05, 2012

I have this little Capricornian trait about me wherein I'm terrified of succeeding because life is all about the will to power through and drive forward and move ahead and do better. I get that. And I try to watch myself when I'm going to that place.

Yesterday, I went to that place. I literally freaked out. I mean, I'm extremely happy I get to lose my "300-Pound Woman" title. I've wanted it gone for so long! (You can read about my thoughts on this in yesterday's "Losing My Title" blog: )'s scary, ya know?

I have been set on reaching this one singular goal since 2004! Actually, since the very first time I reached 300 pounds I thought to myself, "Oh no! This will not work! I will beat that demon down!" It took me more than 8 years to do it at least. And it's been a long, hard, but also fun road getting here.

But now that the little ticker has been checked off my list of to-dos...well, I had a bit of a freak out moment. What now? I mean, yes, lose more weight. But I will be straight up and honest with you...I have very few delusions of ever reaching the 100s. It does not seem fathomable or possible or even likely that I'll get there. And if I ever do...well, with as hard as I fought for the 200s, I just know the 100s are going to be THAT much harder. I just don't know if I have it in me. I don't mean that in a negative sort of way. I just honestly cannot grasp the concept of me being able to accomplish something like that. And I don't even know if I want to.

Sure, a "healthy weight" for me would be around 160. Great. Cool. Not really. The last time I weighed that I was in 6th grade. My son is in 7th grade right now. It does not even register within my brain that I will EVER be that small. And, honestly, I'm alright with that.

Also scaring the crap out of me? The excess skin issue. I'm honestly 100% terrified of getting anywhere near my goal weight because I'm afraid I'll have a major meltdown when I realize it isn't all I wanted it to be.

I've been big ALL my life. I mean as long as I can humanly remember I have been bigger than every other kid my age. I've been through all the taunting, teasing, and bullying. I've been punched in the back, called the most horrible names you can imagine, and spent many a lonely night wondering if life was really worth it. And that was just from the kids at school. It was a whole other list of beatings and punishments and insults at home. Life wasn't kind to me. And I don't say that to get sympathy. I've come to a place in my life where I can push aside the "it's not fair!" bitterness of it all and appreciate how my suffering has made me into the strong, resilient and understanding and caring woman I am today. I am proud when I look at my scars because it is another test I passed, another battle I fought my way through and came out the other side. I consider myself a survivor, and there is amazing power in that. I would not be here if I had not realized that by now.

That being said. I do not know how to be anything but the fat girl. Therefore, I cannot imagine a life in which I do not hold that label. So I guess that scares me.

What's more, even when I get there, I'm going to be taking my wounds and scars with me - mostly in the form of excess skin. This means that even once I shed the fat girl title, I will never be able to claim a "normal girl" title because I won't be able to do things like wear a 2-piece or wear skimpy running shorts and a sports bra. I will be 100% honest. I find loose, baggy skin the most hideous thing in the world. It's ugly. It makes a person look 80 years old. And I'm terrified because I know that will be me. I can already see it happening.

So as great as all the victories are...and as extremely happy I am to be on this side of 300, I'm 100% freaked out and paranoid about what's to come.

Caused a major meltdown and a major case of self-sabotage overeating last night. And I knew it was happening and somehow was powerless to stop it.

So let's just forget I said anything. Carry on. Go about your business. Because I'm not ready to celebrate just yet. I'm too busy freaking the frack out!

The only good thing is...I've been in this place before. I mean, not HERE exactly...this is a bit of uncharted territory...but I've had these feelings and emotions before and I should know by now how to push through them. Because as scared as I am for the future, I'm excited about it as well. I would really, really, REALLY like to see the other side of 290 by the end of this month. I'd like to put a good bit of distance between me and the 300 line so I can be sure I never have to see it again. And the ONLY way I'm going to do that is if I regain my focus and get my butt in gear. That means there isn't time to be freaking out because I need all that energy on calorie counts and sticking to my workouts.

So I'm going to focus on my new background. Forget skinny. I'm becoming an action hero. I may not save the world, but I might just teach my kids how to push through when it's hard, or I might one day inspire someone else to get up and get moving because there is beauty around the next bend. Who knows. I just know that my focus needs to be as straight as Katniss' right now. No second guessing. No time to think. Just do.

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Days to next weigh-in: 2
Fitness Minutes this week: 110/250
Fitness Workout to Complete Today: 50-60 minutes sports at the park
Last night's plank time: 2:00
Tonight's plank goal: 2:10
Tonight's side plank goal: 0:30

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MIZCATHI 9/6/2012 11:00AM

    You have a lot of the fears and anxieties I always had. I spent a good portion of my adult life at almost 300 lbs and then about 325 lbs. There were many times when I thought I would never be "normal". It took many false starts and stops, but in my 50's I am now "almost" 200 lbs and have been in the range of 193 to 200 for about a year now. I know what's going on, it's just a matter of making it important for myself to get to goal.

In your thirties your skin as a lot more elasticity than at my age, trust me. But make no bones about it, lose skin is a lot better for you than that skin pumped up with fat. As you know, it ages your organs internally. When I complain about my saggy skin my husband always reminds me of that.
Your saggy skin will bounce back in time, and if not, there are many compromises you can make with fashion and still be expressive and lovely. And there is surgery. There is a girl in her late 30's at the Y who has lost over 100 lbs like myself. She just had surgery on her arms and has other plans, one step at a time.

Your plan to move ahead one month at a time with small changes in your life will all add up to a stronger you - just keep pushing and loving yourself a long the way. You will not regret any action you take that brings you to a realized self.

Comment edited on: 9/6/2012 11:03:00 AM

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  I don't think the only choices available are having a smooth skinned bikini body or staying in the high 200s.

You could go to the low 200s and be a lot more active, mobile and energetic.

You could be 170 and wear a tankini at the beach (tank styled top and board shorts or a skirt).

Or all kinds of numbers in between.

I am not going to end my fitness journey ready to pose for the SI swimsuit issue. But who cares? I will be able to take long walks on the beach and boardwalk without having to rest on a bench. I'll be able to snorkle for long periods without getting out of breath. Maybe I'll even be more sucessful at surfing by improving my core muscles.

I have unpleasant memories of junior high and high school too. But I am not going to let some idiotic teen from the past keep bullying me a couple decades later.

You get to choose your goals. Don't let fear choose it for you.

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LINZEE636 9/5/2012 10:08PM

    Thank you so much for sharing this blog. I think that you are amazing and honest. Nothing about losing weight is easy and telling the truth about your fears of continuing to lose and what that may or may not mean to you just seems liberating. Grab onto that excitement because while you may never identify as a "normal girl," your perseverance is simply inspiring and that makes you great!

I want you to know that you really are a hero :) can't wait to see you "on the other side" (as you say!)...

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 9/5/2012 9:17PM

    I'm so glad that you are no longer the 300 lb woman! I know how hard you've been working on getting rid of that title, and I couldn't be happier for you.

Sounds like you have a solid plan to continue on with this success.

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LINOVER 9/5/2012 5:25PM

    Congratulations on losing your old title! I hope to be able to do the same within the next year!
emoticon emoticon emoticon
I know you will continue to strive to reach your goal weight and you will defnitely do it!

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WADINGMOOSE 9/5/2012 5:22PM

    You've hit a huge milestone. That's fantastic. And so is your fear. I find that I'm regularly conquering my fears with this change in my life. I've spent a lot of time avoiding doing the things I'm afraid of - which included fear of success AND fear of failure - tell me how that works. That doesn't even address the smaller fears I've got going on. But conquering them feels pretty freaking amazing.

So when you conquer this fear, you're going to feel great. And it doesn't matter what your next goal is. It could be to lose 5 lbs. It could be just to maintain things. It could be just to maintain your habits and see where it takes you.

But you know what? All of that is up to you. Completely up to you and it's all completely flexible. It's that sense of control over my life that is the most disconcerting, I think.

I'm not sure this made any sense or is of any help, but I'm impressed by your success. Great job.

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JOYFULSPIRIT920 9/5/2012 2:19PM

    Congrats on reaching that goal. What a wonderful accomplishment.
Don't let fear keep you from pushing onward.
Very few of us will ever have the body of a supermodel, but that's okay. The world has enough of those already. What its lacking is women who love themselves regardless of their physical appearance.

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JULIA1154 9/5/2012 2:00PM

  Thank you for a heart-felt, honest and inspiring blog. I am glad I read it.

All I can say is don't let fear deprive you of the joy of accomplishment nor the benefits of losing the rest of the weight. You sound like a pretty strong woman who is getting stronger every day. Just take it one pound at a time and don't borrow trouble by worrying about the future. Trust me, no matter what happens, the future will be better without those extra pounds.

Keep calm and carry on!

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RUNNER12COM 9/5/2012 1:22PM

    I love everything about this blog, even the fear and tension and freaking out. Because it's so damn honest and in-your-face.

Action Hero, indeed!

Comment edited on: 9/5/2012 1:23:00 PM

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ERIN1128 9/5/2012 12:04PM

    You're doing awesome, and I know we all really appreciate your ongoing honesty.

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WALLAHALLA 9/5/2012 12:03PM

    emoticon emoticon
I have faith in you! You are doing amazing, and will continue to do so.

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    ok - so loose skin... terrifies me.

I talked with my doc - I was upfront and honest. And he said "if your loose skin becomes an issue I will help you fight for coverage to remove it as medically necessary".

WHAT? They can do that? Apparently they can if it is causing other health issues - like rashes from rubbing, and other stuff... who knew? I just figured it was cosmetic...

I also figure this - if I absolutely positively don't like how I look with the loose skin - I can always "fill it back up" with my old self. Stupid comment - but it IS an option - and somehow that satisfies my (CRAZY) thinking process. It makes me feel as if I have some control.


gratulations on entering the 200s - you've fought hard for every single pound - and it will pay off!


Comment edited on: 9/5/2012 11:30:56 AM

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IRONBLOSSOM 9/5/2012 11:29AM

    Excess skin is a fear of mine as well, it's one reason I want to lose the weight NOW while I'm still barely in my 30s and not later in life.

But I'll tell ya, my mom yoyo dieted for YEARS up to 50-60 pounds either way and she is now trim and without any loose skin. It takes a while but it WILL tighten up to some extent. You don't know how you'll look till you get there. Many people who lose a lot have the skin tightening surgery, but many people do not, you won't know which one you'll be until you reach your goal!

Don't let past bullying get you down. Kids are cruel to anyone who isn't like them. You weren't like them so you were a target. I wasn't like them either and I was a target, luckily I was able to homeschool and get away from the majority of it.

You just have to live this life for yourself and your family, don't let your jerkbrain (the one that says "I can't, I shouldn't, I won't") keep you from living the life you deserve!!

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ABEAUTIFULMESS1 9/5/2012 11:10AM

    I totally understand how you're feeling!!! I am sooo close to being on the other side of 300 and can't wait to lose the "300 lb woman" title that seems to just linger. But, I'm also scared of what's to come when the reality of what losing all this extra weight will look like and feel like. I know that it can take your mind a while to catch up with your body- especially when you've lost a substantial amount of weight, but we'll get there!! Sometimes, even though right now the adventure seems scary and we have our ideas of how things will turn out, you don't know the reality until you actually get there, and while it might be a crazy, wild ride, the end might be even greater than you could ever imagine! Its sometimes hard to see scary situations ending well- and its ok to be uneasy about what's to come, but its also ok to let yourself be excited!

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SUSIEQ911 9/5/2012 10:29AM

    While I understand what you're saying, I have to say that you are NOT powerless.


Don't doubt yourself or sell yourself short. You can do this!

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  I stayed really heavy for 20 years after losing it all in a short time. One of the reasons was my brain couldn't wrap around the changes. The skin wasn't an issue...THEN, cause I was in my 20's, LOL. Now that I'm on the other side of 45 and losing, thinking about the loose skin actually helped prevent me from making the decision to go for this...until I decided I would rather be smaller, period. I promised myself if after a year of letting my brain adjust (and my skin), and this is after hitting or close to hitting goal weight, if after a year the skin distressed me, I would seek surgery. I don't like surgery, and I'm usually pretty poverty stricken, but I figured out for me this issue was a reservation to help me keep eating compulsively. So I promised myself I would check it out if it became an issue, and just wear elbow length sleeves to work (my own personal compromise on the part that's already an issue). So, your mileage may vary, but this was my experience. In any case, hang in there. And there's never a blog you post that I didn't think wasn't worth reading!

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MIZINA730 9/5/2012 9:25AM

    I'm not sure losing the next number of pounds will be as hard as what you've just done. I would guess that your body is getting used to dropping weight. Just my gut feeling.

As far as it not being what you wanted it to be, the real issue there is bullying. Once you can work through that, I think you will allow yourself to be what you want to be.

Don't worry about excess skin. Address it when you get there. You don't even know what your weight will be when that problem pops up. Maybe you'll decide that you'll stop at 220 pounds if excess skin starts at that point and you really don't want it. Just don't decide something like that now. Don't cross a bridge that you haven't gotten to yet. You'll take away important choices from yourself if you do. In my mind, getting rid of excess skin is more pounds lost, but I certainly am not you, and am probably more pragmatic than you are. I am thinking about the same thing, possibly to a different degree, but I may face that nonetheless. Time will tell and I'm not worried about that now.

Just rejoice in your glory and don't think about the future. Just keep up what you're doing. When you started, you had a certain goal in mind, and just see what happens. At the very least, you'll find out what happens and you won't have to wonder what could have been. Personally, I think you do want to go to 200 or below, or as close to 200 as possible. I can see that between the lines. So keep going!

Now that I'm at the end of your blog, I can see that you are going to continue! Yes! I think you're doing absolutely terrific. And you are already inspiring others.

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August Recap / September Goals

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

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I thought about not setting a weight goal because I don't plan on weighing in until September 1st (if I can help it), but I will say that I'd like to lose another 5-6 pounds like this month. That'd make me feel great and would set me up to be DONE with this plateau and under the 300 mark. Still, I'm not weighing in so I won't be able to stress over the numbers there. There are so many other beautiful numbers I can focus on - like fitness minutes! ;)

Weight August 1st: 304.2

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Weigh-in on September 1st put me in at 296.4, a loss of 7.8 pounds!
I'm going to go ahead and say that I've:

* Broken my plateau!
* Started losing weight again, finally!
* Reached a milestone! I am no longer that 300-lb woman. I'm an ALMOST 300 pound woman. *lol*

So, how did this happen? What did I do to get here? I stuck it out. Focused on being as healthy as possible, and let the rest just take care of itself. There's something to be said for putting the tools away for a bit when they're frustrating the crap out of you.

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So this month, and with sticking with my pattern/theme, I'm shooting for 888 minutes. *dopey grin* That would average out to almost 29 minutes every day. A marked improvement.

And how am I going to get there? I'm sticking with the following schedule for August.

Sunday - 30m yoga/PT stretches
Monday - Swim
Tuesday - NROLFW
Wednesday - Swim
Thursday - NROLFW
Friday - Swim
Saturday - 30 minute walk or run

I will try to make every workout I can without stressing myself if I miss one here or there.

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So, I didn't exactly reach my goal. 888 minutes. It should not have been hard. And had I been able to make that final week's push I would have made it easily. But whatever the hell was going around hit me last week and it hit me HARD. I couldn't STAND without getting severely dizzy, so working out was literally out of the question. Even Saturday when I started my Plank-A-Day Challenge I noticed some of the symptoms continue to linger, but I'm pushing through them now and still getting done what I need to get done.

Final count - 747/888

Honestly, I'm not all that pissed about it. It could have been better...but it could have been much worse. This calendar doesn't look that bad, actually...

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Eat more Paleo. Also, I've reset my tickers again on both MFP and Spark, so they have me at a lower calorie range. I'm not lifting as hard as I was months back, so there's no need for me to refuel at higher ranges. Still, I'm not going to stress if I go over now and again. I've been eating pretty consistently around 2000-2400 calories so dipping down to 1600 is going to be really difficult if I try to just go there straight on. Plus, I don't think it would be good for my body. So I'm going to allow myself the higher level of my range - around 1950 - and not stress if I go over a couple hundred calories now and again. In fact, my plan is to not stress at all, because that just leads me to binge/emotional eating. I'll be fine eating anywhere from 1600 to 2400 calories...and I still will try to hold myself down from raging if I get to 2600 on a honest to goodness "hungry day"...because we all have them.

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It was a free-form type plan, but it actually worked for me. There wasn't a crapton of emotional eating or feelings of extreme guilt. It has been difficult adjusting to the new lifestyle restrictions of my family members (who would've thunk it!?), but I'm trying to settle into finding a happy medium of obsession and moderation. That being said, I didn't really track my food in August because I found it was stressing me out. Whenever I did check in, I realized I was eating anywhere from 1500 calories some days to about 2500 others. I was generally in a good place, so I didn't much concern myself over it.

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I'm also going to work on keeping my "Weekend Projects" going around the house.

Also, I want to try to keep up my off-site blog.

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- That didn't happen! *lol*
- But that did, for the most part. It's been challenging, but fun.

So, all in all, August was a pretty okay month for me. 747 fitness minutes. A mile swim success. 7+ pounds lost on the scale. And a milestone of 299 hit and surpassed.

All in a month's work, right?! ;)



September 1st WI: 296.4
October 1st GOAL: 291.4

Loss of: 5 pounds

(I'm trying to be reasonable here...)


Fitness Minutes: 1000
(250 per week for 4 weeks, which is about 5 workouts each week that last 50 minutes)

Basic Plan:
Sunday - Yoga
Monday - Swim
Tuesday - Bike
Wednesday - Run/Walk
Thursday - Swim
Friday - Bike
Saturday - Football Drills*

I ran football drills with Ethan on Sunday since he had the day off from games for the holiday weekend. I figured it couldn't hurt for him to see me doing what I was asking him to do and I thought it might ignite some competitive spirit in him. We gathered all our things on Sunday, headed to the HS football field, and spent the next 60+ minutes (we had to stop for a potty break) doing things I thought might help him on the field. We ran through his warm-ups first, just so he could see me doing them as well. We ran a lap around the track, did bear crawls and high knees - everything they force them to do at practice. We did a 20-yard-dash and timed out some planks and even ran one round of stadiums (running up the bleachers and back down again). My entire body was sore the next day (and today), but it felt really good to get out there and practice throwing and blocking and snapping the ball with him, and I think he really loved it. Plus, it's a friggin' Kick-Arse workout! So we're adding those in once a week this month for the benefit of both him and I.

I'm also adding in biking. I don't know why...but I felt I needed to get out of the water a little bit before it gets old and I start hating it.

And, no, I haven't really set aside real ST time, but I plan on trying to get it in where I can. *shrug* What can I say? I can't be 100% perfect, so I don't even try any longer. I'm going to do what I can. Agree to what I know I can commit to...and then try to push myself from there.

Also, as I mentioned, we're doing a Plank-A-Day Challenge. I missed yesterday (seriously ticked me off, but whatever), but otherwise I started my planking on September 1st and was proud to still be able to go past a minute. Next goal? Hold it longer than 2 minutes. Other goal? Get to 1 minute on side planks (HA! I can do 20 seconds now and I whine the entire time! *lol*).


No more than 6 times eating out this month.
Pack lunches from leftovers or sandwiches.
Eat mostly Paleo, but allow some indulgences.
Track all food at least 4 days a week.
Stay around 2000 calories.


Drink 10+ glasses of water per day.
Blog at least 4 times a week.
Use weekends to organize the house STAT! I wasted last month. No more!

emoticon What are your September Goals?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HEALTH-E-CLARE 9/5/2012 9:30PM

    My September Goal is to get back on track eating wise.

Awesome job on all your success in August. You worked hard and deserved every pound lost and all the other success.

Football drills sounds like a fun way to exercise. One drill that I really like is called the "T drill" You run 10m forward, side shuffle 5m to the right, side shuffle back to center, side shuffle 5m to the left, side shuffle back to center, and back peddle to the start. Repeat as neccessary. It really helps with agility

Enjoy your September goals!

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WALLAHALLA 9/4/2012 8:23PM

    Great plan. You do a good job of reflecting and thinking ahead.

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VALIENDRA 9/4/2012 7:26PM

    I also think August was a good month for you ! And... You rock. I'm pretty sure it's a blast to be able to say that you ain't 300 anymore!
Congrats !

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SUGIRL06 9/4/2012 7:12PM

    Way to go in September!!! You did amazing!!!! And great goals for August!

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CHICAT63 9/4/2012 6:56PM

    Woohoo congrats on breaking your plateau !!!! You did it and you rock. Here is to you and September. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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IRONBLOSSOM 9/4/2012 5:08PM

    GREAT August, here's to an even better September!

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MIZINA730 9/4/2012 3:02PM

    You did fantastic! And it certainly did pay off!

Congrats! emoticon

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BAYBELIEVER 9/4/2012 2:36PM

    Congratulations!! So proud of you! Even though you didn't hit all your goals, you did hang in there! And that is what is important!

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ERIN1128 9/4/2012 1:39PM

    AWESOME on breaking the plateau!!!! That is HUGE! Woo hoo!

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ATROTTIER 9/4/2012 12:56PM

    So so proud of you!!! =)

My goals are pretty simple, I am getting over this stupid cold and getting back on the track! I am still in Week 6 of Rookie to 5K training so I want to finish up the program this month and hopefully have a week at the end of the month to train outside for this 5K Mud Run I have scheduled on Oct 6th - My BIL told me to run in the sand at the beach and I think that might be wise since mud is way different than a darn treadmill!!

Sept goals
900+ fitness minutes (5K training + endurance training)
Get outside for some running/training - step away from the treadmill, it's not real life!! I have to keep telling myself that!
stay within my calorie range (1350-1600 cals)
Lose 5 lbs!!!

September is feeling good!!!

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VICKYMARIEC 9/4/2012 12:51PM

    Do the stickers on your calendar mean taht you've achieved something? You did FABULOUS in August!

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GUITARWOMAN 9/4/2012 12:21PM

    Great weight loss!

I always find it interesting and inspiring to read your plans!


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ARUNNINGKAT 9/4/2012 12:10PM

    I am so excited for you on your weight loss! You have definitely earned it girl! Have a fabulous September!! emoticon emoticon

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MAGPIE17 9/4/2012 11:05AM

    Woohoo!!! Go E!! You broke the 300 mark!! I'm sooo proud of you, girl.

I have a 5K coming up at the end of the month (Sept. 30 - Canadian Breast Cancer Society's Run for the Cure) and a "Warrior Dash-esque" race (the BadA$s Dash) on October 6 that I'm working towards. The man and I did a TON of walking and hiking while on holidays, and we're going to keep the hiking up, hopefully! So my September goals are:

-1500 fitness minutes
-train like mad for my races
-35 minute 5K race

I'd also like to lose 5 lbs, but I'll be happy if I can meet the three above goals!

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MAMADWARF 9/4/2012 9:59AM

    Congratulations!,,, I know how great getting under that 300 mark must feel, now you can finally move on. Its been a Long haul because i have been there too and I'm sick of it!
I'm proud of you for sticking it out and never giving up!

My goals for this week is to lose one pound. My goal for the month is to lose 5. My exercise goal is this week I'm going to try week one of running for a mile and see if my knees can handle it. Wish me luck!

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KAYOTIC 9/4/2012 9:39AM


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    emoticon and emoticon on the August goals!

Time to kick September's azzarooni!

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MYUTMOST4HIM 9/4/2012 9:00AM

    WOWSER!! GREAT PLAN and congrats on you August successes too!!!

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Well That Explains a Lot, Actually

Friday, August 31, 2012

I have been in bed or on the couch for two full days. I honestly didn't quite know what was up with me Monday but my swim workout tanked majorly. I couldn't breathe, which began to cause one of those special oxygen-deprived headaches. I knew I was feeling a little sniffly but I had no clue I would wake up the next morning and fall flat on my arse in terms of energy and everything else. I was sick. Plain and simple. Still am, actually.

This cold or whatever it is caused my energy to reach new lows. I spent most of the day Wednesday trying to sleep but unable to get comfortable. Thursday I slept a little more, but not enough to really knock this thing around. I ate like crap for two days. Hubs can't cook...or he doesn't choose to, same thing. And it seems me feeling like crap = me craving crap food. Not sure what that's about because it goes against every idea in my head about what you SHOULD do when you're sick, but, honestly, I was too damn sick to even care.

Chinese food. Pizza. Ice cream. All foods I haven't had in a long time. All foods one should stay away from when sick. I ate them all. And I didn't care one single bit. (Okay, maybe there was a tiny bit of doubt and guilt, but, honestly, not much.)

I'm at work today, but just barely. Got some things to get done and it was either come to work and suffer through or stay home and have to pay the money to visit the doctor and hear them say that I have a serious cold and just take some OTC meds and sign a slip for me to take to work verifying that, yes, I am sick. (Any 3 consecutive days out means you have to get a slip.)

Normally I would've knocked this thing on it's butt super fast, but with how hard I've been pushing myself lately and the general overall exhaustion, I think it all combined to make this cold the cold to end all colds for me.

Honestly, I probably needed the break mentally and physically.

So, the only plan I have right now is to get through these 8 hours and then go home and crash and hope tomorrow is better. I've already cancelled my weekend shopping spree and visit to my mother's. Partly because I'm sick. Partly because the remnants of that tropical storm are headed our way and I hate driving in the rain. And partly because my mother just informed me that she is now coming down with something.

Instead, I will spend this weekend recovering and trying to get my head back in the game. I'll have to plan a trip to the grocery store at some point as well, so I guess I better get a plan together for that. I'm actually looking forward to a lazy weekend at home. Especially an extended holiday one. Tomorrow is WVU and OSU's first game of the season AND the first episode of the next season of Doctor Who, so there's plenty on the tube to keep me distracted. I'm going to try to get a walk in if I feel up to it. I think a little jaunt around the block will make me feel better as long as the dizziness has gone away. I'm going to try to get some work done today and then try to remember what my September plan is.

Last day of August weigh-in this morning. 297.4 pounds.

So there.

Tomorrow I'll record the first of September and start a new month with a new plan and a new frame of mind. Hopefully feeling a lot better.

It's working, even if it's exhausting at times.
Maybe the theme for September will be better time management.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGIRL06 9/4/2012 7:07PM

    You definitely needed a decent break! I hope you cold is going away now!!

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MIZINA730 9/2/2012 10:07PM

    I TOTALLY understand what you are saying. I do the same thing too - eat terrible when I am sick. It's kind of a compensation for my situation, I guess. I just went through an episode of back pain from a minor injury. I was surprised at the way I was acting, yet I it seemed there was no other way to deal with it. I know better, too.

Now that I am getting over this past week of this, I am focusing on getting my eating and exercise back on track. It is taking me a few days, but it is happening. I'm sure it will for you too. You're a veteran at this and doing awesome at it. I really have total regard for what you have accomplished.

Hope you feel better real soon. It will turn out that what you are doing is okay.You'll get back on track and everything will be normal. I know what you mean when you say, "get my head back in the game." There's more to it than one may think. Best wishes! Get well!!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MIZCATHI 9/2/2012 2:12PM

    Sorry you are sick and can't emotionally enjoy that weigh in! By gosh, you DID it! You made it to under 300 lbs!!!

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RUSSELLORAMA 9/1/2012 5:24PM

    Hope you're starting to feel better!

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HARMONYBLUE 9/1/2012 1:30AM

    My sodium intake is always through the roof when I am sick, because I have found Chinese hot and sour soup or broth and noodles loaded with turmeric and cayenne keep my sinuses clear, so I practically funnel the stuff until I am better. Feed a cold and all, don't feel bad. Just don't push yourself...and drink some broth with your pizza;)

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IRONBLOSSOM 8/31/2012 1:35PM

    I hope you feel better soon! When I'm sick I always eat terribly. It's like I get just distracted enough to throw all my self control to the winds and eat everything in sight. (Or that I can imagine even if it's out of sight!)

Don't beat yourself up, you've been doing awesome and you probably do mentally, emotionally, physically need a little break. You'll be back on track in no time and feeling better than ever!

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ERIN1128 8/31/2012 12:56PM

    Yeah, one of those dirty little secrets of being a parent is that you're not really allowed to be sick! Sometimes I long for my single days, of being able to just wallow in misery once in a while. LOL! Take care of yourself, this too shall pass!!!!

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GUITARWOMAN 8/31/2012 12:46PM

    Feel better soon!

I am like you, I crave everything unhealthy when I am not feeling well. I think for me it is a self-comfort of the yummy foods I turned to (and still do sometimes) to deal with emotional issues.

When you look at time management, try to determine what it is you really don't have to do!


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ARUNNINGKAT 8/31/2012 12:29PM

    Feel better soon! Nothing worse than trying to suffer through being sick while also still trying to be a wife, mother, employee, etc. emoticon

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SEEHOLZ 8/31/2012 10:46AM

    Sorr you are sick! I think taking the time to RELAX sounds like the perfect plan!

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OLIVIANIGHT 8/31/2012 9:14AM

    Aww I hope you feel better soon! I always use a cold as an excuse to eat rubbish, so at least you're not alone : )

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BAYBELIEVER 8/31/2012 8:38AM

    Go Bucks!

And you may need to get to a doctor so pay attention! I thought I had a cold earlier in August and waited 4 days and then it was a major upper respiratory infection that is taking forever to get over! I felt somewhat better after 10 days, but still can't exercise for long without sounding asthmatic and coughing. If you have a fever, go...

Good plan for the weekend. Rest is always a good thing when sick!

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LRK4CHRIST 8/31/2012 8:26AM

    Well we all have these moments. thx for begin honest. it helps for you to do better the next time. reflect on decisions and move forward. You can do this. We're here to help u. Be blessed!

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I Keep Hoping It Will Get Easier

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

...but it never does.

Serious rant incoming:
(Go here...this one is probably shorter and deals with the same thing: )

Yesterday I overslept. Slept a full 9 hours and woke up still tired - and late. Had to drive Logan to school and then rushed to work. Thankfully, no football practice last night meant I could make up my swim after work. I went into the gym thinking I'd do a 10 x 10 - 10 rounds of 10 laps in the pool (basically a 10 x 200), but I had to fight myself and my pounding head just to get half of that done. I was slow. I was out of breath. My head was a friggin' fog and was throbbing. I think I've caught a cold or something.

Last night I set out to make Spaghetti Squash and Meatballs. It's a good thing I have an almost 13-year-old who knows how to follow a recipe. I couldn't even stand up without feeling like I was going to fall over, I was so dizzy. I knew I needed to make this dinner so I would have leftovers for the next day, but I actually could not physically complete the task. Thank goodness for Logan!

Hopped on the scale today after eating out both lunch and dinner yesterday. Big mistake. Back up a couple pounds and fighting a sore body, an aching head, and a broken heart. I honestly don't know where I went wrong, where I got lost along the way, but whenever I start to regain hope that whatever plan I have in place that month is working, I get smacked in the face and called stupid by the universe.

On Saturday I will record an official weigh-in and will see if I managed to lose the weight I needed this month. And, yes, I do mean "needed" because I'm to the point where if it things don't start progressing very soon, I won't be able to barrel through many more weeks of my body feeling this way. Hope is fading. I can't keep having my heart broken.

Let's face it - this is hard. And I often wonder if it's gotten too hard. I was doing well. I was managing. I was progressing. And then BAM! It's like I started trudging through mud and I keep getting dirty and moving my feet but I'm not getting anywhere at all. There's just so much pressure now to be perfect and my world is falling down around me.

I'm fighting to lose weight and break a plateau that doesn't seem to want to be broken.
I fight for good workouts and consistency, and end up sore and tired and exhausted beyond all comprehension of what that word actually means.
I'm swimming because my PF makes it hard to even walk, but the swimming is somehow flaring up my PF.
My family is struck with all these dietary restrictions now. No dairy in my house. No refined sugars except on rare occassions. No beans. No gluten. It's gotten to be overwhelming. And I can't just throw my hands in the air and say, "Enough!" and go back to a life of simple calorie restriction.
The restrictions are real now. They must be followed. And I must learn to adjust.
But it's time consuming and difficult and expensive.
I feel awful for my son who says to me, "Everyone was sitting around me eating corn dogs today." Not only because I feel bad that he can't eat corn dogs, but because I wonder how the school comes off passing off corn dogs as a healthy meal.

And at home, it just wears me out.
Everything must be cooked.
Unless you're eating some fresh fruit or a Larabar or some nuts, you must spend at least 20 minutes in front of the stove preparing even a snack for consumption.
We don't have resources like Trader Joe's and Whole Foods or anything of the sort.
If you're going to eat whole, healthy foods in West Virginia, it's going to be lean meats and vegetables that require a fair bit of attention.
There are no more fillers.
No more quick fixes.
The few items that have helped speed things along are either grossly expensive or super hard to find and must be ordered from the internet. Usually both.
I'm upset with this "racket" that seems to be the healthy foods section on the internet.
I'm left wondering how it can cost so much to make something so small and I'm seriously wondering if they aren't just marking up the prices because they can market it as healthy, whole foods.

It's honestly exhausting.
It leads to nights when I simply don't eat because I don't have the energy to cook for several hours.
It's stolen all the joy of cooking from me.
I keep hoping it will come back, but for right now the joy of cooking and experiencing new foods has been replaced by exhaustion and frustration.

And my relationships are falling apart because of it.
I'm falling apart.
I feel alone and lost and shoved aside by everyone because I feel quite alone in dealing with all of this.
I keep thinking, "If only..." but then I remind myself that I don't have time to dream of things like a job that will pay me what I'm worth and what my family needs to have the food it requires.
There is no time to think.
Only time to do or not do.
And I keep finding myself wanting to simply not do.

I've heard people talking about depression, and I can honestly say that I think these restrictions are depressing me beyond what I've known before.
I didn't set out to change my life to one of restrictions. I said all along that I hate diets that eliminate whole food groups. But what happens if you're forced into them?
And what happens if it's not your own restriction but your child's?
I can't let him suffer at home like he does at school so no one is allowed to eat dairy in the house. Everyone must limit gluten and refined sugars. Everyone must accept that eating fast food is a thing of the past. There is no more quick and easy. There is only restrictive and difficult.
And then I find myself sneaking food when he's not around. Because I really wanted ice cream but I didn't want to remind him that he can't have it. And that's not a healthy way to live...but neither is rubbing your son's restrictions and temptations in his own face. As the parent, I have to be the bigger person.

And you think all these restrictions and days of just not eating because I'm too tired to cook or even chew would mean I would lose a little weight on the scale, but that doesn't really seem to be happening either.
It's the world's own cruel joke. And I'm not laughing any longer.

Exhausted. That's the word for August.
Exhausted and losing all hope of feeling rested ever again.

End rant.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GUITARWOMAN 8/29/2012 12:57PM

    Hi Esther, I have read your blog three times.....and am thinking what to say.

Some random thoughts, I am no expert.....

Is your son food intolerant or seriously, life-threatening allergic? If the second, clearly you must keep certain foods out of the house.

If the first, it may be a better way to go for your family to eat healthy and well and modify his foods. He is going to have to learn to deal with his condition....and learn that all of his significant others do not have to eat the same way he does and won't. I think the way you are going will lead to resentment (and, as you said, secret eating) from everyone else. And the tension associated with this will of course make you exhausted.

Now, and again I am no expert, have you had your RMR tested? From where I sit, I think you are exercising too much and eating too much--please don't take offense. In your stage of life, young married with young children, unless you are rich and have nannies etc., you are not going to get perfect workouts in your life. Figure out something you can do at home. Invest in a good piece of exercise equipment. That is what I did when my children were young.

Forgive me, but I think your expectations are out of sync with reality.

This is written with good will and hope ti is helpful!

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PAMAZON 8/29/2012 11:54AM

    Oh boo Ester, I'm sorry you're feeling so down right now. Your challenges are serious ones, and they do take effort and stamina to overcome, so I think your exhaustion (both physical and mental) is reasonable. My husband has suffered from depression all his life, and I can tell you that you would not be doing all you are currently doing if you were clinically depressed. I think you're just worn out. And that can be a good thing, because if could be your body and mind's way of telling you to simplify...

I can't imagine how hard the dietary changes are for you and your family, especially given your location and access to specialty foods. Just try to keep things as simple as possible for now while you're feeling overwhelmed. I would imagine that cooking a double batch of something and eating leftovers the next day would help. I would go bonkers if I had to cook something different each night.

And don't forget the simple idea of "calories in, calories out." You don't need to have crazy hard pool workouts to lose weight. You need to eat less and burn more. So the cleaner you eat, the less you have to workout. You don't have to do complicated swim workouts or ST sessions to lose weight, you just have to burn more calories than you're eating. Stay active doing something you like (that won't aggravate your PF longterm). Ice the feet when they're flaring up, and keep the food simple. You'll make it to Saturday! What will be will be and you can set some new goals for the month to come!
emoticon emoticon

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LMB-ESQ 8/29/2012 7:04AM

    I hear you on the depression, and the not wanting to cook, and good god yes, on the expense. I wish I had a better answer for you, but all I can say is keep the faith. Eventually something good has to happen. emoticon

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_RAMONA 8/29/2012 5:00AM

    Aw, Esther... I hear you, and I commiserate! When we started out on this Paleo journey, it was in mind to heal my body and lsoe the weight... we've since discovered that our daughter (she's 8) is gluten intolerant with bacterial overgrowth, and is benefitting from the new nutritional plan more than anybody... and so the change becomes not an interesting experiment, but a new way of life for all of us.

Yesterday morning I spent and hour rocking her and soothing her because while she's quite brave and strong about it all most of the time, she just wanted a piece of toast for breakfast... with JAM. And school starts next week with all of the challenges that holds... and she has a birthday party on Saturday where she can't have any of the cake or treats. SIGH. It is HARD.

I have a bunch of recipes that you might be interested in... check out my blog (I KNOW... I'm tired of cooking everything, too... but I found some great 'kid' treat recipes your son might like)... and I found a great recipe for flax-meal bread I will share (it's actually really good and beat out the gluten-free mix stuff hands down)... my DD had her first sandwich in six months yesterday (after the melt-down I went searching) and toast this morning, and her joy has restored my determination to keep doing this.

We CAN do this!!! for the weight loss (I plateau every second day for a month), do you read JUSTBIRDY's blog (she's a low-carber)? She posted something today that I think makes sense and that just might help. Check it out:

transitioning to lower protein

Even when you're discouraged, YOU inspire me to do do better!

Comment edited on: 8/31/2012 12:17:44 PM

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HARMONYBLUE 8/28/2012 5:26PM

    I have been away for a while so I am not up to speed on this new challenge but I am so sorry to hear about it. Not sure if the food restrictions will allow this but can you batch cook on Sunday (or any one day of the week) to cut down on cooking the rest of the week? The hubby and I have to do this to eat healthy and reasonably inexpensive on a (mostly) vegan diet. It is a LOT to do in one day, but really helps throughout the week so we can just grab, reheat and go.

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JESSAUSTIN82 8/28/2012 2:29PM

    I know how you feel & I'm sorry you've had a tough go at it!! just remember, if it were easy, we'd all be skinny/healthy! It took time to put it on, it will take time for change & get it off. You're doing great & it's ok to have a down day & refocus :) Hang in there!

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IRONBLOSSOM 8/28/2012 12:38PM

    So sorry you're feeling like this. I think any time we change our schedules/plans it can be exhausting. You have to remember that you haven't been abiding by these particular restrictions for all that long, they're not routine yet, they're not normal yet, so every single meal is a huge source of stress.

Give yourself some time, give yourself a break.

And, as much as I know you don't want to have differing diets, particularly because you don't want your son to feel bad, give some thought to the idea that maybe you're not getting everything YOUR body needs by restricting so heavily. We're all different and our bodies all have different needs. Maybe you need a slightly different diet than your son. It's completely do-able, when I was a kid my parents were always on their own diets and my brother had to have really high protein because he was a pretty elite swimmer, and we made it work.

Good luck, I hope things get better soon, and have a GREAT day today! :-)

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HIKETOHEIGHTS 8/28/2012 12:02PM

    Boy that was one heck of a tough run. I am all too familiar with that feeling of being too tired to move. I feel for you girl! Hang in there and fight the tough fight.

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GETFIT2LIVE 8/28/2012 11:54AM

    Nothing brilliant to say here either, only that I hear and feel your pain. Sometimes it's just plain hard with no end in sight, and that stinks. Hold on; don't give up. There will be relief somewhere along the line, there has to be.


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ARMONIA 8/28/2012 11:53AM

    Wow. I don't have exactly the same things going on, but I can really identify with what you are saying. I think you are right to make the lifestyle change a thing for the family. I dealt with a heart condition in my early twenties where I couldn't have any animal products or even normal fat in an everyday meal. I had to relearn everything I knew about food, educate all the people around me (try going on a date where you can't even have cheese!), and I had to go hungry a lot. Like you said, there is no quick fix. I think I would have been much happier if I had family support. I know it's hard and I hope you can deal with the depression that comes with the change. I'm sorry you are suffering, but I'm also inspired by the love you are showing to your son.

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ERIN1128 8/28/2012 11:46AM

    I hope that rant at least made you feel a little teeny bit better? You've got a lot of pressures on you, just try to hang in there and take care of you. And remember that we're all here for you!

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MAMADWARF 8/28/2012 11:08AM

    I feel you....I'm here to read your rants and your successes. I understand wanting to say I give up. I know you will find a way to juggle all this and I get the restrictive aspect....very frustrating!

I wish I had something brilliant but all I don't. I can just let you know i hear you and I care.

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MAMADWARF 8/28/2012 11:06AM

    I feel you....I'm here to read your rants and your successes. I understand wanting to say I give up. I know you will find a way to juggle all this and I get the restrictive aspect....very frustrating!

I wish I had something brilliant but all I don't. I can just let you know i hear you and I care.

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BAYBELIEVER 8/28/2012 10:42AM

    Esther, So much despair I hear in this. I understand. I have been there. I am slowly trying to pull myself out of it. I haven't been able to stand the thought of cooking for weeks and I mean weeks. I have a whole blog in my head about it and what I am thinking I am beginning to realize. I can only say that you need to stay here. Do what you can. Sometimes we need a break. But, we don't want that break to be a serious backslide either. It is hard. For you. Your family. Others. But, it is your/my life and we need to decide if being healthier, not even necessarily thinner, is worth it. We need to remember that we are making a new life. It is not temporary. It is new. And we need to make that new life what we can LIVE with. Otherwise, it won't work. My trainers/nutrition advisers were appalled when I said I wouldn't restrict myself the way they wanted me to, "even to be healthier"? I told them, NO. That I also had to LIVE my life or what was the purpose. I can only say that I am taking back control of my life. Don't give up. Take a break. Schedule some "treats" or "breaks". One a week or so. But whatever you do, do it for you!

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4EVERADONEGIRL 8/28/2012 10:36AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

No words of wisdom because I feel your frustration and sometimes you just need a hug and a shoulder to cry consider this your shoulder, girlie!! Hang in there!!!!!!!!

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