Monday, September 10, 2012
Crack that whip
Give the past a slip
When a problem comes along
You must whip it
Before the cream sets out too long
You must whip it
When something's goin' wrong
You must whip it
Now whip it
Shape it up
Try to detect it
It's not too late
To whip it
Whip it good
Read more: DEVO - WHIP IT LYRICS http://www.metrolyrics.com/whip-it-lyrics-
Copied from MetroLyrics.com
Challenge Start Date: September 10, 2012
Challenge End Date: October 31, 2012
Sure, I could have called it the "Fall Challenge" or the "Halloween Challenge" but, honestly, how fun is that? It's time to crack the whip. Time to stop thinking and start doing. Go forward. Move ahead. That's what I need right now.
I have to admit that I lost my 170 pounds lost badge again as I somehow managed to pack on 8 pounds in a week last week (yes, I know that's not right...it's from the disordered eating I've had lately). So we're actually starting this challenge around 302-304 pounds, but I'm not calling it that way.
Starting Weight: 296.4
Goal Weight: 286.4
Goal of: 10 pounds lost
I had a long talk with my mom this weekend and she really validated some of my fears. It felt good to feel like someone really understood what I was going through and didn't fault my inability to focus as the one and only reason I haven't gotten any farther along this path. She understood that it's not just about me failing to succeed right now. In fact, she credited my determination while working against problems that aren't entirely my fault...well, at least they aren't entirely in my control.
Let's face it - everyone talks about the negative effects gaining weight can have on your body. We've all heard the horror stories and risk factors and crap about damaging your organs and causing undue strain on your joints. Yea. Got that. Thanks. But what no one likes to talk about is the negative mental and actual physical problems that can come out of losing a lot of weight. It's not just about sagging skin. Talking to my mother made me realize that it's not just me. I'm not "broken" somehow. I've lost 170 pounds. I do about 1,000 times more than I did when I was even just 100 pounds heavier. I'm more active. I'm constantly moving. And, in some respects, I'm torturing my body when I deprive it of the food it thinks it needs because I'm trying to be hard on myself and create a huge deficit. Since losing the weight I have developed serious mobility issues. Who would have thought they'd ever hear anyone say that? I actually blurted out loud yesterday to my mother, "Sometimes I wish I was bigger again...it was easier."
It's the dirty little secret no one wants you to know about. And even though I said that, I honestly don't want to gain weight again. In fact, I'm terrified of gaining weight now. I'm obsessive about food and exercise, which isn't exactly healthy, but it isn't as unhealthy as my former addiction to killing myself with fattening and sugar-laden foods. But I'm going through some serious mental crap right now because of this weight loss. And to top it off? The problems have been physical as well. Tilted pelvis. Hip pain. PF pain that will not go away. Pains in my stomach/abs. Pains in my neck. Migraines on a regular basis. I honestly was not living in this much chronic pain when I was heavier (granted, I did suffer a lot of pain 170 pounds ago...but about 30-40 pounds ago I was flying high and feeling great). So it's hard to be thankful and happy about my accomplishments when I'm feeling so worn out from the negative physical pains I'm experiencing on a daily basis.
Does that mean I'm going to stop? No. Because I think the only way out of this is forward.
My mom and I talked about skin removal surgery and she honestly thinks it's time I started asking about it. Even if the doc I see says I need to wait a bit, it's time to start getting some information about it and start learning the options I have. Of course, for insurance to cover it, I have to prove it's medically necessary and document the physical problems it causes. I have them (see above). So last night I lay in bed staring at the ceiling thinking about what I needed to do to get myself in order to even make an attempt at this and I came up with the following:
- I need to stock up some sick leave at work. This is going to be difficult. The chronic pain makes it difficult to survive a month without taking off a little time due to a migraine or severe back pain. But I need to struggle through and get some time stocked in the bank for when and if this ever happens.
- I need to make sure all my affairs are in order. You know, just in case.
- I need to get my house ready for the recovery period. I need to make sure everything is organized and settled because if this ever happens I won't be able to hop up and clean for hours on end or dig through a pile of clothes taller than me to find a shirt I want to wear.
- I need to lose as much weight as I possibly can between now and then. The less I have off me when the time comes, the more I'll get out of it.
- I need to make sure to keep my heart and other organs physically fit and able to handle the stresses of major surgery. I have to take care of myself and give myself the best chance possible. That means working out and maintaining my muscle mass as much as possible.
- I need to be ready mentally for a period of recovery. That means I will have to get myself to be okay with who I am. Otherwise I may slip into a depression when I'm back to being basically bed-ridden for however long and feeling like a dolt.
- I need to plan for if it doesn't happen. I need to keep moving forward with my life, my career, my fitness goals. I can't just sit around wishing a magical surgical instrument is going to fix it all for me. I have to be ready to hear a possibly disappointing outcome if, say, my insurance refuses to cover it. And I need to get myself financially stable so that if it doesn't and I still want to move forward, I might be able to consider it still.
So, the best way to move forward is just to move forward. I'm not waiting around for miracles. I know how that turns out. I'm just going to put my best foot forward and pray for the best. And the only way I know how to do that is to challenge myself.
I love To Do lists. I honestly do. I love checking things off. Plus, they help keep me focused. But To Do lists can also harm my mental state. If I can't check everything off, then I'm not perfect. And we all know how well the battle to be perfect turns out for most people. So, I think what I'll do is set up a list for perfection. Set up a To Do List for the perfect day of diet, fitness, mothering, wifely duties, house cleaning, etc. But I'm going to set a check off goal of 80%. It's something important I've learned from this journey I've been on. 80% is pretty darn good. It's plenty to strive for and if you get more, great! If you get less, you honestly could probably have done more. But 80% means you rolled with the punches and stayed pretty "on" the whole day. Who can ask for more than that? Each week I'll lay out my "Perfect To Do List" and each day I'll evaluate how I've done. Hopefully by the end of this I can get myself firmly into the 280s as my goal is to end the year around 260-270.
So...here we go! Crack that whip! ;)
Wednesday, September 05, 2012
I have this little Capricornian trait about me wherein I'm terrified of succeeding because life is all about the will to power through and drive forward and move ahead and do better. I get that. And I try to watch myself when I'm going to that place.
Yesterday, I went to that place. I literally freaked out. I mean, I'm extremely happy I get to lose my "300-Pound Woman" title. I've wanted it gone for so long! (You can read about my thoughts on this in yesterday's "Losing My Title" blog: fitfatgirlblogs.blogspot.com/ ) But...it's scary, ya know?
I have been set on reaching this one singular goal since 2004! Actually, since the very first time I reached 300 pounds I thought to myself, "Oh no! This will not work! I will beat that demon down!" It took me more than 8 years to do it at least. And it's been a long, hard, but also fun road getting here.
But now that the little ticker has been checked off my list of to-dos...well, I had a bit of a freak out moment. What now? I mean, yes, lose more weight. But I will be straight up and honest with you...I have very few delusions of ever reaching the 100s. It does not seem fathomable or possible or even likely that I'll get there. And if I ever do...well, with as hard as I fought for the 200s, I just know the 100s are going to be THAT much harder. I just don't know if I have it in me. I don't mean that in a negative sort of way. I just honestly cannot grasp the concept of me being able to accomplish something like that. And I don't even know if I want to.
Sure, a "healthy weight" for me would be around 160. Great. Cool. Not really. The last time I weighed that I was in 6th grade. My son is in 7th grade right now. It does not even register within my brain that I will EVER be that small. And, honestly, I'm alright with that.
Also scaring the crap out of me? The excess skin issue. I'm honestly 100% terrified of getting anywhere near my goal weight because I'm afraid I'll have a major meltdown when I realize it isn't all I wanted it to be.
I've been big ALL my life. I mean as long as I can humanly remember I have been bigger than every other kid my age. I've been through all the taunting, teasing, and bullying. I've been punched in the back, called the most horrible names you can imagine, and spent many a lonely night wondering if life was really worth it. And that was just from the kids at school. It was a whole other list of beatings and punishments and insults at home. Life wasn't kind to me. And I don't say that to get sympathy. I've come to a place in my life where I can push aside the "it's not fair!" bitterness of it all and appreciate how my suffering has made me into the strong, resilient and understanding and caring woman I am today. I am proud when I look at my scars because it is another test I passed, another battle I fought my way through and came out the other side. I consider myself a survivor, and there is amazing power in that. I would not be here if I had not realized that by now.
That being said. I do not know how to be anything but the fat girl. Therefore, I cannot imagine a life in which I do not hold that label. So I guess that scares me.
What's more, even when I get there, I'm going to be taking my wounds and scars with me - mostly in the form of excess skin. This means that even once I shed the fat girl title, I will never be able to claim a "normal girl" title because I won't be able to do things like wear a 2-piece or wear skimpy running shorts and a sports bra. I will be 100% honest. I find loose, baggy skin the most hideous thing in the world. It's ugly. It makes a person look 80 years old. And I'm terrified because I know that will be me. I can already see it happening.
So as great as all the victories are...and as extremely happy I am to be on this side of 300, I'm 100% freaked out and paranoid about what's to come.
Caused a major meltdown and a major case of self-sabotage overeating last night. And I knew it was happening and somehow was powerless to stop it.
So let's just forget I said anything. Carry on. Go about your business. Because I'm not ready to celebrate just yet. I'm too busy freaking the frack out!
The only good thing is...I've been in this place before. I mean, not HERE exactly...this is a bit of uncharted territory...but I've had these feelings and emotions before and I should know by now how to push through them. Because as scared as I am for the future, I'm excited about it as well. I would really, really, REALLY like to see the other side of 290 by the end of this month. I'd like to put a good bit of distance between me and the 300 line so I can be sure I never have to see it again. And the ONLY way I'm going to do that is if I regain my focus and get my butt in gear. That means there isn't time to be freaking out because I need all that energy on calorie counts and sticking to my workouts.
So I'm going to focus on my new background. Forget skinny. I'm becoming an action hero. I may not save the world, but I might just teach my kids how to push through when it's hard, or I might one day inspire someone else to get up and get moving because there is beauty around the next bend. Who knows. I just know that my focus needs to be as straight as Katniss' right now. No second guessing. No time to think. Just do.
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Days to next weigh-in: 2
Fitness Minutes this week: 110/250
Fitness Workout to Complete Today: 50-60 minutes sports at the park
Last night's plank time: 2:00
Tonight's plank goal: 2:10
Tonight's side plank goal: 0:30
Tuesday, September 04, 2012
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I thought about not setting a weight goal because I don't plan on weighing in until September 1st (if I can help it), but I will say that I'd like to lose another 5-6 pounds like this month. That'd make me feel great and would set me up to be DONE with this plateau and under the 300 mark. Still, I'm not weighing in so I won't be able to stress over the numbers there. There are so many other beautiful numbers I can focus on - like fitness minutes! ;)
Weight August 1st: 304.2
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Weigh-in on September 1st put me in at 296.4, a loss of 7.8 pounds!
I'm going to go ahead and say that I've:
* Broken my plateau!
* Started losing weight again, finally!
* Reached a milestone! I am no longer that 300-lb woman. I'm an ALMOST 300 pound woman. *lol*
So, how did this happen? What did I do to get here? I stuck it out. Focused on being as healthy as possible, and let the rest just take care of itself. There's something to be said for putting the tools away for a bit when they're frustrating the crap out of you.
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So this month, and with sticking with my pattern/theme, I'm shooting for 888 minutes. *dopey grin* That would average out to almost 29 minutes every day. A marked improvement.
And how am I going to get there? I'm sticking with the following schedule for August.
Sunday - 30m yoga/PT stretches
Monday - Swim
Tuesday - NROLFW
Wednesday - Swim
Thursday - NROLFW
Friday - Swim
Saturday - 30 minute walk or run
I will try to make every workout I can without stressing myself if I miss one here or there.
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So, I didn't exactly reach my goal. 888 minutes. It should not have been hard. And had I been able to make that final week's push I would have made it easily. But whatever the hell was going around hit me last week and it hit me HARD. I couldn't STAND without getting severely dizzy, so working out was literally out of the question. Even Saturday when I started my Plank-A-Day Challenge I noticed some of the symptoms continue to linger, but I'm pushing through them now and still getting done what I need to get done.
Final count - 747/888
Honestly, I'm not all that pissed about it. It could have been better...but it could have been much worse. This calendar doesn't look that bad, actually...
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Eat more Paleo. Also, I've reset my tickers again on both MFP and Spark, so they have me at a lower calorie range. I'm not lifting as hard as I was months back, so there's no need for me to refuel at higher ranges. Still, I'm not going to stress if I go over now and again. I've been eating pretty consistently around 2000-2400 calories so dipping down to 1600 is going to be really difficult if I try to just go there straight on. Plus, I don't think it would be good for my body. So I'm going to allow myself the higher level of my range - around 1950 - and not stress if I go over a couple hundred calories now and again. In fact, my plan is to not stress at all, because that just leads me to binge/emotional eating. I'll be fine eating anywhere from 1600 to 2400 calories...and I still will try to hold myself down from raging if I get to 2600 on a honest to goodness "hungry day"...because we all have them.
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It was a free-form type plan, but it actually worked for me. There wasn't a crapton of emotional eating or feelings of extreme guilt. It has been difficult adjusting to the new lifestyle restrictions of my family members (who would've thunk it!?), but I'm trying to settle into finding a happy medium of obsession and moderation. That being said, I didn't really track my food in August because I found it was stressing me out. Whenever I did check in, I realized I was eating anywhere from 1500 calories some days to about 2500 others. I was generally in a good place, so I didn't much concern myself over it.
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I'm also going to work on keeping my "Weekend Projects" going around the house.
Also, I want to try to keep up my off-site blog. fitfatgirlblogs.blogspot.com/
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- That didn't happen! *lol*
- But that did, for the most part. It's been challenging, but fun.
So, all in all, August was a pretty okay month for me. 747 fitness minutes. A mile swim success. 7+ pounds lost on the scale. And a milestone of 299 hit and surpassed.
All in a month's work, right?! ;)
September 1st WI: 296.4
October 1st GOAL: 291.4
Loss of: 5 pounds
(I'm trying to be reasonable here...)
Fitness Minutes: 1000
(250 per week for 4 weeks, which is about 5 workouts each week that last 50 minutes)
Sunday - Yoga
Monday - Swim
Tuesday - Bike
Wednesday - Run/Walk
Thursday - Swim
Friday - Bike
Saturday - Football Drills*
I ran football drills with Ethan on Sunday since he had the day off from games for the holiday weekend. I figured it couldn't hurt for him to see me doing what I was asking him to do and I thought it might ignite some competitive spirit in him. We gathered all our things on Sunday, headed to the HS football field, and spent the next 60+ minutes (we had to stop for a potty break) doing things I thought might help him on the field. We ran through his warm-ups first, just so he could see me doing them as well. We ran a lap around the track, did bear crawls and high knees - everything they force them to do at practice. We did a 20-yard-dash and timed out some planks and even ran one round of stadiums (running up the bleachers and back down again). My entire body was sore the next day (and today), but it felt really good to get out there and practice throwing and blocking and snapping the ball with him, and I think he really loved it. Plus, it's a friggin' Kick-Arse workout! So we're adding those in once a week this month for the benefit of both him and I.
I'm also adding in biking. I don't know why...but I felt I needed to get out of the water a little bit before it gets old and I start hating it.
And, no, I haven't really set aside real ST time, but I plan on trying to get it in where I can. *shrug* What can I say? I can't be 100% perfect, so I don't even try any longer. I'm going to do what I can. Agree to what I know I can commit to...and then try to push myself from there.
Also, as I mentioned, we're doing a Plank-A-Day Challenge. I missed yesterday (seriously ticked me off, but whatever), but otherwise I started my planking on September 1st and was proud to still be able to go past a minute. Next goal? Hold it longer than 2 minutes. Other goal? Get to 1 minute on side planks (HA! I can do 20 seconds now and I whine the entire time! *lol*).
No more than 6 times eating out this month.
Pack lunches from leftovers or sandwiches.
Eat mostly Paleo, but allow some indulgences.
Track all food at least 4 days a week.
Stay around 2000 calories.
FOLLOW THE MEAL PLAN!
Drink 10+ glasses of water per day.
Blog at least 4 times a week.
Use weekends to organize the house STAT! I wasted last month. No more!
What are your September Goals?
Friday, August 31, 2012
I have been in bed or on the couch for two full days. I honestly didn't quite know what was up with me Monday but my swim workout tanked majorly. I couldn't breathe, which began to cause one of those special oxygen-deprived headaches. I knew I was feeling a little sniffly but I had no clue I would wake up the next morning and fall flat on my arse in terms of energy and everything else. I was sick. Plain and simple. Still am, actually.
This cold or whatever it is caused my energy to reach new lows. I spent most of the day Wednesday trying to sleep but unable to get comfortable. Thursday I slept a little more, but not enough to really knock this thing around. I ate like crap for two days. Hubs can't cook...or he doesn't choose to, same thing. And it seems me feeling like crap = me craving crap food. Not sure what that's about because it goes against every idea in my head about what you SHOULD do when you're sick, but, honestly, I was too damn sick to even care.
Chinese food. Pizza. Ice cream. All foods I haven't had in a long time. All foods one should stay away from when sick. I ate them all. And I didn't care one single bit. (Okay, maybe there was a tiny bit of doubt and guilt, but, honestly, not much.)
I'm at work today, but just barely. Got some things to get done and it was either come to work and suffer through or stay home and have to pay the money to visit the doctor and hear them say that I have a serious cold and just take some OTC meds and sign a slip for me to take to work verifying that, yes, I am sick. (Any 3 consecutive days out means you have to get a slip.)
Normally I would've knocked this thing on it's butt super fast, but with how hard I've been pushing myself lately and the general overall exhaustion, I think it all combined to make this cold the cold to end all colds for me.
Honestly, I probably needed the break mentally and physically.
So, the only plan I have right now is to get through these 8 hours and then go home and crash and hope tomorrow is better. I've already cancelled my weekend shopping spree and visit to my mother's. Partly because I'm sick. Partly because the remnants of that tropical storm are headed our way and I hate driving in the rain. And partly because my mother just informed me that she is now coming down with something.
Instead, I will spend this weekend recovering and trying to get my head back in the game. I'll have to plan a trip to the grocery store at some point as well, so I guess I better get a plan together for that. I'm actually looking forward to a lazy weekend at home. Especially an extended holiday one. Tomorrow is WVU and OSU's first game of the season AND the first episode of the next season of Doctor Who, so there's plenty on the tube to keep me distracted. I'm going to try to get a walk in if I feel up to it. I think a little jaunt around the block will make me feel better as long as the dizziness has gone away. I'm going to try to get some work done today and then try to remember what my September plan is.
Last day of August weigh-in this morning. 297.4 pounds.
Tomorrow I'll record the first of September and start a new month with a new plan and a new frame of mind. Hopefully feeling a lot better.
It's working, even if it's exhausting at times.
Maybe the theme for September will be better time management.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
...but it never does.
Serious rant incoming:
(Go here...this one is probably shorter and deals with the same thing: fitfatgirlblogs.blogspot.com/ )
Yesterday I overslept. Slept a full 9 hours and woke up still tired - and late. Had to drive Logan to school and then rushed to work. Thankfully, no football practice last night meant I could make up my swim after work. I went into the gym thinking I'd do a 10 x 10 - 10 rounds of 10 laps in the pool (basically a 10 x 200), but I had to fight myself and my pounding head just to get half of that done. I was slow. I was out of breath. My head was a friggin' fog and was throbbing. I think I've caught a cold or something.
Last night I set out to make Spaghetti Squash and Meatballs. It's a good thing I have an almost 13-year-old who knows how to follow a recipe. I couldn't even stand up without feeling like I was going to fall over, I was so dizzy. I knew I needed to make this dinner so I would have leftovers for the next day, but I actually could not physically complete the task. Thank goodness for Logan!
Hopped on the scale today after eating out both lunch and dinner yesterday. Big mistake. Back up a couple pounds and fighting a sore body, an aching head, and a broken heart. I honestly don't know where I went wrong, where I got lost along the way, but whenever I start to regain hope that whatever plan I have in place that month is working, I get smacked in the face and called stupid by the universe.
On Saturday I will record an official weigh-in and will see if I managed to lose the weight I needed this month. And, yes, I do mean "needed" because I'm to the point where if it things don't start progressing very soon, I won't be able to barrel through many more weeks of my body feeling this way. Hope is fading. I can't keep having my heart broken.
Let's face it - this is hard. And I often wonder if it's gotten too hard. I was doing well. I was managing. I was progressing. And then BAM! It's like I started trudging through mud and I keep getting dirty and moving my feet but I'm not getting anywhere at all. There's just so much pressure now to be perfect and my world is falling down around me.
I'm fighting to lose weight and break a plateau that doesn't seem to want to be broken.
I fight for good workouts and consistency, and end up sore and tired and exhausted beyond all comprehension of what that word actually means.
I'm swimming because my PF makes it hard to even walk, but the swimming is somehow flaring up my PF.
My family is struck with all these dietary restrictions now. No dairy in my house. No refined sugars except on rare occassions. No beans. No gluten. It's gotten to be overwhelming. And I can't just throw my hands in the air and say, "Enough!" and go back to a life of simple calorie restriction.
The restrictions are real now. They must be followed. And I must learn to adjust.
But it's time consuming and difficult and expensive.
I feel awful for my son who says to me, "Everyone was sitting around me eating corn dogs today." Not only because I feel bad that he can't eat corn dogs, but because I wonder how the school comes off passing off corn dogs as a healthy meal.
And at home, it just wears me out.
Everything must be cooked.
Unless you're eating some fresh fruit or a Larabar or some nuts, you must spend at least 20 minutes in front of the stove preparing even a snack for consumption.
We don't have resources like Trader Joe's and Whole Foods or anything of the sort.
If you're going to eat whole, healthy foods in West Virginia, it's going to be lean meats and vegetables that require a fair bit of attention.
There are no more fillers.
No more quick fixes.
The few items that have helped speed things along are either grossly expensive or super hard to find and must be ordered from the internet. Usually both.
I'm upset with this "racket" that seems to be the healthy foods section on the internet.
I'm left wondering how it can cost so much to make something so small and I'm seriously wondering if they aren't just marking up the prices because they can market it as healthy, whole foods.
It's honestly exhausting.
It leads to nights when I simply don't eat because I don't have the energy to cook for several hours.
It's stolen all the joy of cooking from me.
I keep hoping it will come back, but for right now the joy of cooking and experiencing new foods has been replaced by exhaustion and frustration.
And my relationships are falling apart because of it.
I'm falling apart.
I feel alone and lost and shoved aside by everyone because I feel quite alone in dealing with all of this.
I keep thinking, "If only..." but then I remind myself that I don't have time to dream of things like a job that will pay me what I'm worth and what my family needs to have the food it requires.
There is no time to think.
Only time to do or not do.
And I keep finding myself wanting to simply not do.
I've heard people talking about depression, and I can honestly say that I think these restrictions are depressing me beyond what I've known before.
I didn't set out to change my life to one of restrictions. I said all along that I hate diets that eliminate whole food groups. But what happens if you're forced into them?
And what happens if it's not your own restriction but your child's?
I can't let him suffer at home like he does at school so no one is allowed to eat dairy in the house. Everyone must limit gluten and refined sugars. Everyone must accept that eating fast food is a thing of the past. There is no more quick and easy. There is only restrictive and difficult.
And then I find myself sneaking food when he's not around. Because I really wanted ice cream but I didn't want to remind him that he can't have it. And that's not a healthy way to live...but neither is rubbing your son's restrictions and temptations in his own face. As the parent, I have to be the bigger person.
And you think all these restrictions and days of just not eating because I'm too tired to cook or even chew would mean I would lose a little weight on the scale, but that doesn't really seem to be happening either.
It's the world's own cruel joke. And I'm not laughing any longer.
Exhausted. That's the word for August.
Exhausted and losing all hope of feeling rested ever again.
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