Thursday, June 03, 2010
Do you remember that old joke? "I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight." Too many times a day I remind myself that I'm fat. Seriously. It's a running commentary in my head. I look in the mirror in the morning, sleepy-eyed, no makeup and think "You're still fat." Later in the day I put my makeup on and then look again, "Looks better...but still fat." Why do I insist upon reminding myself that I'm fat 24 hours a day? Am I afraid I'll forget and do something stupid like run naked through the halls of my work building or something? What is the point of this self-defeating, self-negating abuse? Honestly, I've had enough. So I've decided to come up with some witty (or maybe not so, and just honest) comebacks for myself.
I may be fat, but...
* ...I am flexible. I have always been flexible. At 300 pounds I could do the splits. At 466, that was no longer possible. (No, I can't do them now, nor would I try with this knee...that's just inviting disaster!) But just last night I did 45 minutes of my Yoga DVD. I didn't need modifications anymore. I am regaining my flexibility again. On a few moves I even tried the suggestions to make the pose harder!
* ...I am beautiful. Yep, I said it. While I harp on my stomach and its disgustingness on a regular basis, I never deny myself the fact that I was still born a beautiful little girl. Even at 466 I could mask my weight some by taking only pictures of my face. While some of you may classify this as "pretty face syndrome" I am reminded time and again when I ask my husband, "Would you rather have her?" and pick out some skinny chick in the crowd. He immediately responds, "Heck no! She's ugly!!" I told my husband that I was afraid I would be ugly when I was skinny and he laughed and told me I was rediculous. "Someone who can be as beautiful as you at this weight, or above this weight like you were, is going to be drop dead gorgeous when she's skinny. I'M not worried!"
* ...I am NOT lazy. There is that stigma attached to fat chicks that we're all lazy. That we sit around the house all day eating Twinkies and watching soap operas. In three short years I blew all of those expectations out of the water. I worked two jobs and went to school full-time. A couple of those years I did it without hubby, who was working at the time up in Ohio and was only home for 3 days each week. I had to rely upon myself. And now that I'm done with that and I know how busy I can be and survive, I find myself unable to be inactive. Monday was the first day I did absolutely NOTHING all day! Hubby even remarked last Friday, as I was trying to get him out of bed to go pick strawberries, "Man! We're ALWAYS going somewhere!" *lol* Sorry, hubs, that's our new life. Active. Fit. Strong. And Fulfilling!
* ...I am a good mother. My kids may have their faults, and they may annoy the heck out of me at times. But I'm a darn good mother, which either of them will tell you out of my earshot. (I've heard from others.) We have fun! We do cool things together. I let them get away with just enough, but not too much to make them spoiled. They have been taught to respect other people, to care for those smaller than them and elderly that need their help. They will walk up to a complete stranger in the grocery store to offer to help them get something off the bottom shelf (but only within my line of sight, because they know about "stranger danger"). I have great kids, and I have to be able to take some credit in raising them!
* ...I'm a great person. I'm a good listener. I give a lot of advice (most of it not taken, but that doesn't stop me from giving it when it is asked for). I take care of my friends and family. I try to make sure they know that I love them and that they are important to me. I would much rather give than receive because it fills my heart and makes others smile. I want to do good things in the world. I've never considered harming another being out of spite, anger, rage, or jealousy (at least not beyond a "I'd like to give that girl a swift kick in the pants!" comment). The only fight I was ever really in as a child was when a girl came up and punched me in the back. I ran home. But I'm not a sissy either. I will stand up for myself, I just believe more can be accomplished through words than fists. I am compassionate and believe that others deserve sympathy, even if they are in a bad place in their lives...something broke them, I always think.
* ...I *love* the outdoors and outdoor sports! While my knee holds me back from doing some of them (skiing, surfing), I absolutely love being outside in the woods. I love hiking...even if it might take me longer than anyone else to walk a mile, I'm out there hiking and exploring the world. I often think back to when the land was new, or when Native Americans lived at one with it. It brings me a sense of inner peace, even if a little twinged with guilt for what the white settlers did to them. I *love* to row a boat. When I used to work out at a gym, I would be the fat girl in a sea of skinny people and the only one rowing the rowing machine. I love how it works my whole body. I love the rush of "wind" as I push back on my butt. I would love to row on a team, but I'm fine with simply renting a row boat at the lake and having at it while my kids whine about how BORING it is! I love it! I love feeling like I'm out somewhere where few dare tread/row! I love swimming and biking, though I can do them yet. I can't wait until the day I can kayak! (More than anything, this is what drives me to lose weight!)
*...I'm good at several sports, and even when I'm not good, I'll try! I love volleyball. I suck at tennis, though I'd love to give it a go again. I think basketball rocks, though traveling down the court and going up in a "real" game would be out of the question. Football is a lot of fun to watch, though playing it would really scare the crap out of me!! *lol* Golf...hrm..wouldn't mind trying. Of course, things like boxing and fighting, I hate (see above), but karate and the martial arts are cool because they teach discipline and balance...I see them as more mental.
* ...I walked a 5K 1:15.39.
* ...I workout every day.
* ...I love yoga!
* ...I look for opportunities to move!
* ...I eat healthier than most of my "skinny" friends.
* ...I find new ways to cook healthy foods.
* ...I can cook a self-created recipe from scratch ("wing it") and it will be nutritious and delicious!
I guess I really have a lot that I actually *LIKE* about myself, if I really think about it. From now on, when that little voice tries to hit me with a "still fat" thought, I'm going to push a little "I may be fat, but" comeback down his throat! I've got to remind him just who is the boss now. I've got to let myself off the hook, really! I've been fat nearly my entire life. Some of that was my fault, some of it I can't remember, some could be contributed to a jerk of a father who was evil and rude to me for 16 years...but one thing is for sure...none of it happened overnight! (Though, I have found it easier/quicker to gain weight than it is to lose it! *lol* Nobody mentions that part, do they?) Each day that I let myself indulge in these wonderful things about me is a day when I'm respecting myself. And respect will lead to love. And love will make this easier.
Now you try it! "I may be fat, but..."
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
You have to forgive me...I'm a student of English (or...was) and sometimes the best way for me to process things is to discover the language behind it.
I have decided that there are several words in the English language that are simply not appropriate for my life right now.
Journey. As in "my weightloss journey" or "my Spark journey."
1. a traveling from one place to another, usually taking a rather long time; trip
2. a distance, course, or area traveled or suitable for traveling
3. a period of travel
4. passage or progress from one stage to another
I know many of you are fond of this one, I was too...but I have decided that I can no longer consider this, or any portion of my life, a sort of path from beginning to end. My life will span beyond whatever choices I make today. I cannot worry about how long the road is or how far I must travel because, in all honesty, I have until the day I die to travel my journey.
Life is a funny thing. We take it in stages, in bursts. We are children. We are adults. There is the time we worked in retail or sales. There was the journey of being a telemarketer. There is the journey of parenthood and senior adulthood. But what does any of that matter in the grand scheme of things? As long as there is breath in my body, I will be on this journey. (And, depending on your belief system, perhaps long after as well.) To segment my life is to fail to make the connections needed for a full, happy, and healthy life. I must remember what I can of my childhood and understand how it connects to who I am today. And I must not dwell over the steps I take on this "journey" when I should, instead, focus on living each day in the beauty of what is around me. Birds, trees, sun, language, words, people, stories, colors, music, thought.
Kant said that we classify things because our simple minds cannot process the huge quantity of the sublime. We create borders around it in order to better understand. Well, I'm through with borders. I'm ready to just bask in the sublime and enjoy every moment that is given to me.
Bad as in "I had a bad day" or "that is a bad food."
1.not good in any manner or degree.
2.having a wicked or evil character; morally reprehensible
3.of poor or inferior quality; defective; deficient
4.inadequate or below standard; not satisfactory for use
Cake has one degree or manner of being good. It tastes wonderful! And it is a great treat to celebrate with friends on very special occasions. There is a reason this treat is so darn popular, so for me to classify it as not having a single good trait is to lie, plain and simple.
And I do not have a wicked or evil character. it is not morally reprehensible for me to decide that I need 20 extra minutes on the couch tonight cuddling with hubby or giggling at the silly people on TV. Again, there are good things brought about by television as well, and plenty of good brought from cuddling!
When I reduce my days, myself, or certain foods to "deficient," I am failing to recognize what these things are good for. There are ways in which these days are important to our own health and well-being and there are certain foods that remind us how wonderful it is to live in such a world where someone woke up one morning and put eggs and sugar and flour in a bowl and baked the first cake, to the delight of all!
Cannot as in "I just can't do it, I'm too tired!"
The negative form of CAN
Because this definition refers to another definition, I have found the definition of Can for you.
1.to be able to; have the ability, power, or skill to
2.to know how to
3.to have the power or means to
4.to have the right or qualifications to
5.may; have permission to
6.to have the possibility
I have the ability, power and skill to walk/run/hike. I was granted these abilities when I was born with legs and feet and my parents held me with my hands over my head and encouraged me to put one foot in front of the other. For those without hands and feet, their talents lie elsewhere. They may be better able to do functions with their arms because of increased strength distributed there. Be that as it may, we are all, in some way, give the ability to move. We know how. We have the power and the means to do these things.
And the best part? We don't have to ask permission to do these things! Remember, there were once persons who had to ask permission to do anything outside of the bounds of what they were hired/enslaved to do. Even as a child, we are forced to raise our hands and request permission to use the little boys' or girls' room. But no one, I repeat, NO ONE can take away my permission to lace up my sneakers and put one foot in front of the other. Not only is this a possibility, it is fact and truth. I have no right to claim negation rights over these things.
Off as in "I'm having an off day" or "I fell off the wagon."
1.so as to be no longer supported or attached
2.so as to be no longer covering or enclosing
3.away from a place: to run off
4.away from a path, course, etc.; aside
5.so as to be away or on one's way
Truth is, if you are a member of Spark, you will always be supported. The only decision to disconnect that attachment can come from you. And, like it or not, there are certain people that will think about you, consider you, and feel a connection to you long after you have gone. You can run off, but you cannot force us to sever the ties we have made with you in our hearts. No matter how long you are gone, you can return once again and we will be happy, relieved, perhaps even overjoyed, to see you once again. Because while you were gone (probably thinking of us and missing us too) we were thinking of you and supporting you anyway.
And, as with bad, there are reasons for "off" days as well. To claim that these days mean something other than "I needed rest" is to fail to see their greater pupose. Of course, we didn't take off that workout because we "cannot" do it...we simply chose not to. Because this isn't a "journey" with an end date, that one day is not likely to affect the course of our lives in a very significant way.
What will affect our lives, however, is an off month/year (etc) because we have had those already. I took so many years "off" that I now weigh 395 pounds. My body aches. My toes are sore. My knee joint burns. There are things I have caused myself to be unable to do because of the stress upon my joints created by "off" years. This time off DID affect my life, my journey. Because I decided to stay away and avoid myself, to fail to connect and support myself for so long, I have certain health conditions that can never be fully reversed, only repaired. I think I owe myself more support and attention than that! Off days are just fine, but off years affect my health and safety. I would not want that for someone else, therefore, I should not want that for myself!
So, as of now, I am going to be more conscious of how I use these words, and try to understand if I'm using them correctly or not (not being most likely). What are your banned words?
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Yes, I'm double blogging. Today is the start of June, so I need to make sure that I have all of this in one place.
Weight beginning of May: 403.0
Weight goal for beginning of June: 395.0 (-8)
Actual Weight beginning of this month: 395.6
Actual Weight lost in May: 7.4 pounds
Sunday was weigh-in day, but I missed it because we were out of town. Instead, I hopped on first thing yesterday. I was really quite upset for a little while that the numbers had gone up, but I did have a rough week and those drinks at the wedding. I'm not killing myself over it. I still ended the month just .6 shy of 8 pounds down. With graduation and the wedding, I think I did a pretty good job!
In May I:
Lost .5 in the waist
Lost 1 in the neck (WTF, dude? *lol*)
Gained 1 in the thigh (SERIOUSLY?)
Lost .5 in upper arm
Total for May: Lost 1 inch (2 lost - 1 gained = 1 lost) In my neck. Really? Who the heck cares about my neck right now? How about in the stomach! Or those stupid thighs of mine. I'm really frustrated by this...but what I need to remember is what is below.
Lost .75 in the waist
Lost 4 in the hips
Lost 1 in the neck
Lost 1 in the thigh
Lost .5 upper arm
Total inches lost = 7.25 since April 19th
(And I'm attributing the thigh issue to bad measuring last time on my part...)
May Goals were:
Weight Loss Goal
Be down to 395.
...okay so I'm .6 off, but I'm giving it to myself!
Work out every day for at least 15 minutes.
I just couldn't keep it up EVERY day this month. But this month is all about consistency, so this month I will make this a reality. Just have to start small and baby this knee. Went out on me Friday and it's still sore and loose.
I want to learn to cook healthy all the time.
I have swapped so many of my old recipes and learned so many new ones in May! I'm really getting the hang of healthy cooking!
Of course, this is the month to end my smoking addiction.
Major fail. Working on it.
I want to see some changes in my appearance.
I've seen them, and others have seen them, but the newness of it has worn off and I find myself staring, waiting for something to change. I have to get over this mindset if I want to really succeed!
Finally, and most exciting for me, I will head this month to the lake/park and get back into hiking, rowing, swimming...
Have yet to head out to the lake, although I have found some fun outdoor activites to participate in with the kids and hubby.
"May - the month I graduate from college! This month is looking to be an awesome, amazing, wonderful, unforgettable month!!!!" ...That's what I said at the beginning of May. It turned out more emotional and upsetting than I had anticipated, but I still accomplished my goal of graduating college - I deserve credit for this from myself and have demanded such!
Weight Goal: 387.6 (-8)
Workout Goal: 30 for 30!
15 minutes a day every day.
Strength training 4 times a week.
Increase speed of 2 mile (from 22 minute mile).
Try Zumba (class tomorrow...wish me luck!)
No more "treats" every day. Once a week is good enough.
Find more "quick and easy" options and keep them on hand for lazy days. These are a reality for me sometimes, so I need to be prepared!
Lower the fat and up the protein and carbs! Try to stay on target here!
Breathe easier. I'm just going to leave it at that.
Apply to at least 5 jobs a week. Make sure to check job sites every day for new postings. Spread the word to increase the chances of finding opportunities through friends and acquaintences - NETWORK!
Go camping one weekend this month.
Go hiking once this month.
Go swimming at least once.
Go rowing at least once.
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Okay, so I'm not Tina Fey...but she is pretty darn cool, right? Anyhow, this weekend was crazy busy.
Well, as you know I was blah and then made better by a batch of strawberries picked at a local strawberry farm. There are still at least 2 pounds of strawberries in my fridge right now, which if I don't use tonight I will freeze for smoothies. I felt pretty good about myself by the end of the night and went to bed ready for the next day.
I woke up around 9am or so and felt like not doing a darn thing. Seriously. I knew I needed to get ready to leave, but I spent about an hour just sitting on the couch with my son talking about what I needed to do and wasn't doing. I hate it when I do that!
I did finally get up and started packing everything we needed. We were headed back up to Columbus for a friend's wedding later that night. The plan was to leave the house at 11:30am, drive the 3 hours to my mother's house to drop off the kids and drive another hour and a half to Delaware for the wedding. Then we would have to find a cheap place to stay the night in Columbus before heading back down on Sunday to get the kids and heading the 3 hours home after that.
I know, it sounds insane right? I do what I have to do and nobody in Columbus was volunteering to watch my two wonderful boys for us...but it ended up happening very differently as I spent the 30 minutes from 11:30am to noon trying to convince my husband that he needed to get in the shower and get moving and the next half hour screaming at him to get his butt in the car. Didn't go well... We left to late and were scrambling to figure out what we were going to do. Hubby's advice? Just drive to Columbus and "We'll wing it." Yep, he said wing it...
Anyone who knows me (Capricorn) knows that I'm not so good at "winging it." I'm a planner through and through. Without a plan I'm lost and hopeless...or at least completely stressed out and overwhelmed. Things turned out alright as hubby got an uncle to watch the boys (he had 2 computers hooked up to the internet...the kids were in heaven!) and got permission to spend the night from a friend.
The wedding was beautiful and the food was amazing! The great thing about our friends up there is that most of them are vegetarians and the others still eat very healthy meals. The reception dinner included a lot of vegetables and just small pieces of chicken for those who were interested in a meat portion of the meal. For a free meal at a wedding, you couldn't have asked for anything better! I did have a few small bites of wedding cake, but that was all. The only problem I had at the wedding was the open bar. Yep...open bar = disaster. Truth is, I've only been to 2 weddings in my life that have been open bar. And most of our friends are either married or are not interested in ever taking that path. As weddings go, we're mostly done I think. So while I didn't get drunk and I didn't go crazy, I did have about 4 glasses of wine in about the 3-4 hours we were there.
Friends from the wedding begged us to stay a little longer the next day in order to catch up. We haven't really seen them in a couple of years, so we obliged and drove over to their house around 1pm (once hubby, who did drink a lot, finally got up and showered). We stayed about 3 hours or so before finally heading out to drive the 2.5 hours home. The worse part of the trip was the McDonald's there and back. This is a road trip tradition and, unfortunately, in all my screaming at hubby I never thought to take a moment and pack some healthy food and snacks for me on the trip. So I stuck to McChicken Sandwiches and tea.
Yesterday....yesterday I did absolutely nothing. I didn't shower or get dressed or even walk outside my house. I spent the entire day playing video games with my 8 year old and reading. Part of me is wondering why I wasted the entire day when I could have been doing so many things...but the other part of me, the most important part, really needed that day. It was my holiday. I've spent the past three years being on, and since graduation I've been going strong on this new lifestyle - cooking healthy, exercising every day, focusing on everything I put into my mouth, counting every single calorie, logging everything - and I've spent the rest of the time pushing forward with job applications and resumes, trying to find something great, something better, something that pays more than two nickles on a good day. I guess I was wore out, so I took my yesterday and I really enjoyed it. (Though I didn't enjoy the pizza - holy crap, didn't realize how used to "good" food my body had become! I felt crazy sick after eating that!)
So onward and upward today. I had my day of rest. Today is the start of a new day, a new month, and a new plan. This month it is about one word - consistency. No matter what I try to do, I need to keep trying to do it until it becomes a habit I don't even need to think about or stress over. June = Consistency.
Friday, May 28, 2010
5 Jars of Freezer jam made
3 Chocolate Strawberry Milkshakes (for me, hubby, and Ethan)
About 10 strawberries eaten throughout the day.
1 bowl dropped off at the in-laws' place
We were picking for about 40 minutes or so, about an hour's work including walking, standing, leaning over, picking, etc. Good work out (sweat was POURING!) and hubby was suddenly so happy that we had ventured out for this adventure. Ended up with a little over 11 pounds of strawberries and only paid $13.95 for the whole bunch!
Thank you, all of you, for reminding me to push through the Blah. I knew it, I swear I did...but I just felt so darn BLAH! "Hearing" you guys "say" those things helped so much! I'm not 100% --- In fact, my knee did end up popping out when we got back to the house...it's really sore now. But I'm alive. I'm healthy. I'm full of yummy, fresh, completely ripe, locally grown, hand-picked strawberries.
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