Monday, July 30, 2012
I sat with myself all Friday, the tears coming off and on, trying to figure out my next step. I've been frustrated for quite a while now, but Friday it reached an all time high. I just can't keep doing this to myself. I can't take the heartbreak and disappointment any longer. I can't sit here constantly pushing and punishing myself only to STILL fail when the time comes to judge my efforts. It's just too hard. And I don't mean just physically, but emotionally as well.
I'm not going to attempt to explain the frustration to you. You already either get it, or you don't. And maybe some day you'll get there and you'll have a "think back" moment and then you'll get it. I, honest to goodness, wish not one of you actually knew what it felt like to push against a solid wall. And I wish I didn't always have someone when I'm at my wits end promising that they have the magic answer that will solve all my problems.
I feel like Jack with his magic beans here. I have no idea what the next set of beans are going to yield. I'd much rather have my cow back because at least I knew what I was getting with her - milk every single morning...consistently!
So I had to decide what to do. I felt like the most important thing was pulling into myself and putting myself in defensive mode. I know that much more heartbreak would send me into a downward spiral it might take me a very, very long time to pull myself out of. I didn't want to lose everything I had gained from losing weight, and, yes, I really still wanted to lose weight. But I couldn't keep being a "failure". (In my own eyes that's how I felt...and my eyes are really all that matter because I have to live with me every single day.)
Okay, enough delays, right?
Get to the point!
The point is, I've decided that the biggest thing I'm going to change is my thinking.
I'm no longer going to hold myself to the must-haves of this "journey" or whatever the hell you want to call it. (Maybe while I'm rethinking I can rethink a new word that isn't so... *shudders*.) Instead, I'm going to expect that this is the way I live now.
I'm going to allow myself to be who I've become without trying to change myself any more right now. If the weight drops as a result - Great! If not, at least I wasn't pushing so hard and got nowhere, right?
The life I see myself living right now is so different from the one before.
I can sprint across the road if need be.
I'm not exactly shy any longer.
I can crack jokes and smile and feel more confident in myself.
I'm a friggin' GREAT cook!
I workout at least 3-5 days a week to keep my body in good shape.
I'm still going to work on making changes...but a different kind.
I've spent (wasted) the past year putting all my eggs in one basket and trying to lose this weight. And I've got nothing (numberwise from the scale) to show for it. So maybe it's time to start fixing the other parts of my life that need fixing.
So on Friday, I created an off-Spark blog.
It was something I was discussing doing already and had talked to a good friend and my husband about it. This will allow me to branch off into other things and really devote myself to the business of making my life just a little bit better in a variety of different ways.
I hope it also hones my cooking skill as I'd like to start making my OWN recipes to share with other people. I think I've finally made it to that level of understanding in the kitchen.
Plus, this will help me keep track of all my goals, all my recipes/websites, my full meal plan and workout schedule and all of it in one nice, neat little package.
As for weighing in...I haven't quite decided yet. I know that I skipped looking today. Right now I'm thinking I'll check on the morning of the first of August and then I'll put it away for a little bit - maybe until mid-August or even the first of September. Of course, I may break down and look, but I'm hoping by refocusing myself and the areas I want to improve, I won't even really be thinking about my weight.
So that's the plan.
And my raspberries are a little off this AM. :/
Oh, and I moved up to 1500 yards in the pool today and my form is improving, but I needed a couple recovery laps. To be expected...a jump from 1200 to 1500 AND I was working on shorter breaks this go 'round. All in all, not bad. And I was able to get my HRM to read in the pool so I can just log everything in one place if I want to! (I was logging in 3 places and it was getting really out of hand!)
Football practice tonight. Can't wait to see my boy being active again! Stupid summer and stupid video games!
Friday, July 27, 2012
Weight Last Week: 301.0
Weight This Week: 305.0
It's official...I'm still on a plateau. And I'm tired.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
There's a theme to this blog...as there seems to have been a theme for the past 24 hours of my life or so.
It wasn't pretty but...
Yesterday I had the new Chicken Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. We don't have a Chipotle here, and, honestly, I've never even been to one though I've heard great things...but there have been some comparisons to this new Taco Bell infusion and that other (apparently higher class/fresher) chain. You'll have to judge for yourself there. I didn't have any leftovers for lunch yesterday and I was trying to think of something I could get that I wouldn't beat myself up for later. I did NOT want salad. I was sick to death of salad...and that left me with a choice of Subway sub, burger and fries, roast beef sandwich and curly fries, fried fish and fries...you see my point, right?! So this thing popped into my head and I immediately looked up a calorie count on it. 560 calories. Not TOO bad. And the sources of those calories were in the rice, grilled chicken, guac (hello avocado!) and black beans. Not bad options. Not exactly Paleo friendly, but better than most of my other options. Plus, it's new...and I love trying new things (honestly, though, I could've lived my life without having one of those Dorito tacos...blech!).
My thoughts? It wasn't pretty (the sight of it almost made me think twice about trying it at all), but it was actually quite good. And filling as well! I only ate about 1/2 of it and ate the other 1/2 an hour or two later. I'd certainly eat it again if I was running low on options/leftovers. It's better than a burger but not as good as a salad...and that's where it will stay in my head. But as far as indulgences go? It's a pretty safe one, I'd say!
It wasn't pretty but...
I didn't go swimming last night after work. I know, I know...but it wasn't due to the soreness (but OMG the soreness!! YIKES!). Instead, Hubs called me late in the day to inform me that his father had found someone in the next town over who buys/repairs/resells washers and dryers. He informed me that my FIL had spent $100 buying us a refurbished washer, which was now sitting out on my lawn waiting for us to take it in. *sigh and YAY all at the same time*
I knew Hubs wasn't getting home until after 7pm, but there was some prep stuff that needed to be done first. Our washer/dryer area sits right inside the back door...which we never use. And without any ability to wash clothes and my son's brilliant cleaning style for cleaning his room (he throws everything in my hall....I can't tell you how many legos my poor feet have stepped on!) - well, I needed to do a little cleaning up of the area. Plus...well, Hubs has been lax on his weeding duties out back (hey, he has VERY FEW chores, but the yard is one of them...I will mow but I hate weedeating!) so there was some overgrown brush that needed to be cleared out as well. Enter the comedy of errors.
1) I got home and my brilliant son hadn't done his chores (dishes), so I had to quick do those so I could make dinner later.
2) I clear out the area in front of the washer/dryer after stepping on a few small bits of toys and yelling a few choice words.
3) I go to get the weedeater...it's electric...and Ethan informs me we don't have an extension cord. *facepalm*
4) I go to get the mower, because I figure I can just work at it with that...but the mower is out of gas, and our gas canister is empty. (REALLY!?)
So, yea, that was interesting. We finally got things sorted out when Hubs got home. We got the old washer out and (even with his protesting), got the new one in. (Small note here - I did a lot of the heavy lifting there. *big grin* My Hubs actually made some comment about calling his father to help. "Why?" I asked. "Well, so we can just lift it up in there." I looked straight at him and said, "Do you think I just go to the gym to people watch and look pretty?" And, I took the lead and we got the thing in there no problem. :) )
And our first load? It leaked everywhere. *lmao* (By now it was just funny...everything was getting funny at this point.) Hubs tightened the hoses in the back and we're now in business.
So, it wasn't pretty but I have a washer again and I'm wearing freshly laundered clothes this morning! (Not that I wasn't before...but these were the first clothes washed in my NEW (old...it looks like it's from 1973) washer!!)
I didn't exactly get to bed early last night with all the drama, but it was around 11:20pm as I was drifting to sleep and I had set my alarm for 5am on the off chance that I was able to get up early and get to the pool to make up my swim I had missed. Little did I know my 12 year old decided to stay up all night...again (this is the last week they're allowed to sleep when they want...next week we go back to bedtimes and routines). He nudged me around 5:15am and said, "Uhm, Mom. It's 5:15am and your alarm is going off." "That's nice..." I told him. *lol* At least he had the intuition to realize I was still half asleep so he tried his approach again. He helped make me breakfast while I was rushing around like chicken sans head to get out the door.
I'm still sore this morning from TUESDAY *sigh* and that showed itself in the pool. Not to mention the countless equipment malfunctions I had. First of all, I got some conditioner in my goggles as they were in my bag. I tried to get most of it out, but it's totally screwing with my goggles (and my eye is burning so maybe there was a touch left in there when I put them on). Not to mention my cap would just NOT stay on this morning. I had to adjust it (and I mean pull it off and put it back on again) no less than half a dozen times! I didn't do my laps as programmed because I couldn't really think this morning other than counting. So I just counted laps. I think I swam slower than I ever have in my life...and it was sloppy as all get out...but I also swam solidly for a lot longer than I usually do (other than equipment breaks I only took about 2-3 breaks the whole time to catch my breath). I ended up doing 60 laps...it took me until lap 50 to do the calculation in my head that 1200 divided by 20 is 60. Yep...that's how "slow" I feel this morning.
It wasn't pretty...but I did 60 laps in 47 minutes and got my swim time in.
So now I'm back at work, wishing like hell I was at home again in bed. I'm so damn tired and I hurt all over! While I may have missed my swim last night - dragging a washer up and down 4 very tall steps into and out of position certainly isn't "relaxing" or "resting"....
Hope you all have a good day. I might take a nap now. *head falls on desk* *snoring begins*
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
First of all --
That's how I woke up this morning. My arms, legs, and hip are sore as all get out from last night's workout. Jason (New Trainer Boy) worked me VERY hard last night. I honestly need to start scheduling these on swim days because I have no CLUE how I'm supposed to swim 1200 yards today. (Probably VERY slowly... *lol*) I'll do my best.
As you can tell, I didn't make it to the pool this morning. My body was beat and needed the rest. I'm lucky I got up to get to work on time the way my body feels right now! I just wanted to curl up in bed and forget that it was a weekday! As much as I'd like to say I loved the workout, though...I didn't much care for it. Every single time I get a trainer workout I lose a bit of my confidence. I know this is probably a good thing - they push me beyond my normal limits and challenge my body, but I feel like it's day one and I just started exercising with how difficult some of these seemingly easy moves are for me still.
We started with 10 minutes on the Arc Trainer.
No clue why I got on that thing. I friggin' HATE it and it made my hip sore. Next time I'm warming up on a bike, dangit!
Then it was a steady circuit of randomness.
Step-ups with an extension
Inverted rows on the Smith machine
Angled pushups on the Smith machine
Seated leg curls
Hammer curls while in a wall sit position
By the time we got to the hammer curls I thought I'd impress him by doing 20lb dumbbells. Hadn't taken the 24 pushups and rows and tricep pulldowns into account. I did 2 with the 20 lb dumbbells and then had to back off a bit to 15 lbs.
I stretched like a good little girl after my training session.
Burned about 450 calories and felt pretty good about it. (My goal was around 350.)
NTB (New Trainer Boy) again liked that I wear my HRM so he can keep track of how he's pushing me as well. I shared my calorie burn goal with him and then he kept an eye on my watch throughout the workout to make sure we got there and past that.
So, all in all...not bad.
He's a nice guy. He actually asked me for some advice in dealing with his other clients.
He complimented me on how well I know the machines and workouts.
He stated that he knew I'd had already lost some weight...but wouldn't say why (me: "Because my body is shaped all weird now? I've lost the majority of it from the top half so I look GREAT until you get just under my abs. *sigh*)
He does have a sense of humor and prefers that we converse a bit during our workouts so the time goes faster.
And he told me if for any reason I don't "click" with him, I just had to let him know and we'd find someone else.
I think I'll keep him. ;)
Other stuffs -
I missed the derby last night because of my training session - which I'm perfectly fine with. I was able to go home and make the pre-planned Paleo dinner I had scheduled which included a bacon wrapped beef tenderloin filet with grilled baby bella mushrooms and onions with a side of roasted root vegetables (carrots and turnips) and Brussels sprouts. (I still have not found the best method for cooking Brussels sprouts to make them taste as good as I once had them at a fancy restaurant. I'm going to try the bacon and Brussels sprouts recipe next time...this time it was with some brown sugar, but that didn't seem to help much.) It was the best steak I've had in a very long time and the grilled mushrooms and onions made it unnecessary for me to add steak sauce.
I did have a little Crunch bar piece. It's the new Girl Scout flavors...the coconut one? Those things should never cross the threshold of my house because they are just as bad as the GS cookies themselves!
I finished the night with some dark chocolate chips and a tall glass of water while icing my hip and watching some TV.
This morning the scale was showing a number that I liked...but I chose to simply ignore it because I do NOT want to get my hopes up. Like AT ALL. If it happens this week - Great! If not - I'll keep working towards that goal.
Dinner tonight is homemade "taco stuffs" - which is basically a mix of peppers, onions, tomatoes, and taco meat seasoned with my homemade taco seasoning, which I will eat over a bed of lettuce while the boys will eat it in taco shells.
Tomorrow night we're making Salmon Cakes over shredded cabbage with homemade Ginger Mayo (from everydaypaleo.com)
I think I'll make a beef stew on Friday in the crockpot (or I'll wait and make it Saturday when I have more time to watch it on the stove).
And Saturday will either be fish or chicken with vegetables or something else I find while menu planning (which I hope to get done today for next week).
As for my workouts...
Tonight is another 1200 yard swim. No ST tonight - going to have to swap nights on that this week or just back off for this week only until I get my head wrapped around my new schedule.
Another 1200 yard swim on Friday.
And then 30 minutes of yoga for Saturday.
Mud Pit race at the County Fair!! *lol* It's what the boys and I planned to sub out for the derby we missed last night. We've never seen the mud pit race before, so I hope it's fun and interesting!
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Guess what's coming up?!
When I was a kid growing up I always loved watching the Olympics. I remember trying to catch snippets from the 2008 Olympics when Phelps won all his medals while traveling through NYC for the first time with a friend. This year, however, things are a little different.
First of all, I get it a little more.
I'm understanding a little better how much work and dedication and effort it must take to rise to that level of athletic achievement. I have a lot of Sparkfriends who are dedicated to their hardcore workouts and are always working toward their next PR. Their dedication is astounding to a lot of people. I hear all the time from people how I must be so motivated and dedicated to stick to my workouts even through struggles like injuries. But what we've got going on is nothing to the 6-8 hours a day these people spend every single day in the gym working on getting better, moving faster, developing their technique and honing their skills. This year when I watch the Olympics, it will be with even greater respect. Yes, these athletes probably have something a little "special" in them, but they aren't born superheroes like I once thought they were. They were made. They made themselves. And they continue to do that every single day leading up to one point, to one race, to sometimes 2 minutes or less worth of performance time where they have to put it all out on the line and prove to the world that their dedication to their sport was worth it and they measure up with others like them from across the globe.
So what will *I* be watching?
Swimming, of course. Always a favorite of mine! Also diving and gymnastics. I may try to catch some of the rowing and some archery, but the big three for me of the summer games have and always will be diving, swimming, and gymnastics. This year I may actually try to watch some of the weightlifting as well. I never used to think much of it, but I understand that dedication now more than ever as well.
With all these thoughts rolling through my head and the excitement of the opening games this week pulsing through me, it makes you wonder why I had a major "moment" last night. A binge unlike those I've had in a LONG time. It wasn't me setting out to destroy my work like usual...this was a mindless binge to the point of pain...something I haven't done in a while.
But unlike all the times before, I woke up with a more level head this morning. That was one day. One hour of mistakes. It does not erase the 45 minutes I spent in the pool at 6am yesterday morning. It doesn't mean that all my hopes of ever reaching my goal are lost forever. It was a mistake. It could have been worse. It certainly could have gone better. But no matter - it was, and it's over. Time to move on.
I didn't do my ST routine last night, but not for lack of motivation or whatever. My phone reminded me when I got home last night that I've got another supervised workout tonight at the gym. I'll be meeting a new trainer and I have no clue what he's going to ask of me and I didn't want to completely put myself out last night and have nothing left for today. I still have the tightness in the back of my knee to worry about and the hip stiffness as well. There's a reason why I backed off my workouts for now. Mostly because my body needs it...but also because I want to see if I can maintain my focus even when I'm not stepping into the gym every single day. I want to see if it's possible for me to stay strong and move forward and keep losing while not putting my body through hell. Slow and steady wins the race...or at least that's the theory I'm testing right now.
I'm honestly a little nervous about tonight. Tanner was amazing. He could joke with me and my workouts went by in a quick 45 minutes that felt like 10. He put me through things that seemed so simple but challenged my body in ways I never knew it could be challenged. He worked around my body aches and pains without ever letting up on me. I'm hoping by Tanner suggesting this guy for me it means he'll be the same in his efforts. My goal is to shut my mouth and only say "can't" if it's physically impossible or if I know it's going to mess with my injury in a way that might put me out of business for the rest of the week. The rest...well, I'll get it done. If I walk out of there burning at least 300-400 calories in those 45 minutes, I'll consider it a win. (Incidentally, all of the trainers I've worked with there totally love that I wear my HRM to work out. Both Tanner and Raj kept checking it to make sure they were working me hard enough throughout the entire 45 minutes.)
Plan for the day?
Drink LOTS of water. Flush out the mistakes of last night.
Eat healthy, well balanced Paleo meals.
Put in 100% effort at the gym tonight.
Head home and make a well-balanced Paleo meal for dinner. (We're having steaks and roasted veggies tonight. I made the veggies the other day so I'll only have to reheat those. I'll grill up the steaks with some onions and mushrooms and I think everyone will be quite happy. Let's see if I can NOT overcook mine, though! I don't have steak sauce to fall back on to make it sufferable!)
Get to sleep by 10pm so I can get some decent sleep tonight and wake up early in the morning for more laps. (Well, if we don't go to the demolition derby at the fair, that is...)
The one good thing about my new schedule is that in addition to lap swim time in the AM before work, my gym also has lap swim time every day between 4:30-5:30pm. That means that I'll be able to make up any missed morning laps right after work! I'd rather not have to do this, but it's there if I need it. :)
Oh, and hand wash some clothes. *sigh* Hubs got the part for our washing machine that broke last Wednesday. We thought perhaps it was just the belt (again)...but it seems to have been the motor as well. That means Hubs and I will be setting aside some time to shop for washers in the near future. His next day off is next Monday and I'm wondering if I shouldn't just take the day myself so I can get this whole thing sorted out that day. I NEED a washer in my house, dangit! I don't have oodles of time to spend handwashing everything in the bathtub! And I certainly don't have oodles of time to drag everything to the laundromat...which is probably what I will be doing this weekend. Time to get me a few rolls of quarters and wash everything in my house that needs washing so we're all caught up at least. *sigh*
Oh, the joys of being an adult. *sarcasm*
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