CALLIKIA   23,452
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July Recap - August Goals

Wednesday, August 01, 2012

This can't be right...August already?! *sigh*


I thought about not making "goals" for this month. I thought about ignoring the whole thing and sticking to my plan of simply living a healthy life. And then, last night at football practice, all of that changed.

It was the start of Ethan's third year in football. First practice. And though I've cautioned him time and time again that he needs to start conditioning himself for it, he had a few bouts of stop and start exercising and never fully stuck to it in favor of playing video games and, well, being 10. I get it. How can we realize the importance of something like that when we're 10 and all we want to do is have fun and play? I don't fault him for that in the least.

But last night started off like every practice will from here on out until the end of the season. Warm-ups.

Run a lap around the field.
Do pushups (sorta).
High knees.
Bear crawls.
Sprints.
Criss-cross.
Leg raises.
Run a lap.
Sprints.
Sprints.
Sprints.

They always give the kids a break for water after the warm-ups and as Ethan trudged toward me I thought I heard him crying. "No!" I said. "You CANNOT cry. You can get mad and take it out on the field, but you cannot cry."

Truth is, it finally hit him how out of shape he has let himself become in the off-season. No manner of healthy foods I feed him can properly fuel him if he doesn't also include conditioning into his off-season training program. He collapsed into a heap next to the car trying to suck down water through gasps. He informed me, in between gasps, that he was not crying, but simply couldn't catch his breath. He was hyperventilating. And then he did start crying as he started to tell me, "I can't do it. I can't do it anymore."

I heard myself in that moment. We've all had those moments. When we realize that our bodies aren't responding in the way we thought they would - the way they did when we were conditioned through regular training. And to add insult to injury, as a child, he also has to deal with the fact that his body grew both up and out over his time off. He's now almost as tall as his brother, who is almost 3 years older than him, and he's about 120 pounds now, compared to about 90 last season. He's got more body to move around this year than he did last year and he was in full-on panic meltdown mode over what he considered a lack of his abilities.

I dumped my water over his head.
I talked him through about 10 deep breaths.
And then I told him...

"The first practice is always the hardest, but you look better out there this year than you did last year."
"You will not say that word to me again. We don't say the word 'can't' because WE don't give up."
"If you don't give up, I won't give up - deal?"

He made the deal. And I have to stick with it. And so, yes, I am making August goals. Because what better way is there to live a healthy life?

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JULY RECAP

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Weight

SW: 309.8
CW: 304.2

See, through all the nonsense, what I didn't realize is that I actually lost 5.6 pounds this month! If I can build upon that next month, I'll finally be in the place I've been shooting for for the past 7 years!

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Fitness

Minutes: 777 (HAHAHA!) (12h 57m)

The Break Down-
305 minutes spent Swimming (5h 5m)
85 in ST (1h 15m) (including a supervised workout with my new trainer)
248 minutes with Workout DVDs (4h 8m)
139 minutes spent Walking/Running (2h 19m)

So almost 13 hours for the month of July. And, yes, I find the 777 hilarious! I mean, it was the 7th month and somehow I managed to pull a 777! This could be good for me...my oldest son was born on 9/9/99 and crazy number combinations like that pop up all the time in my family. Still, that's an average of 25 minutes every day for the month of July...and I'm not sure if that's good or bad, but it sounds pretty good to me. I'd just like to be a bit more consistent with it.

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Food

The month of July saw the biggest push to a positive change in my diet. I've really started cutting out processed foods and have started eating a more Paleolistic diet, which has done wonders for my usual tummy problems. I haven't been 100% on this. Closer to 70% probably. But I'm moving in the right direction.

The one thing I've noticed about Paleo eating is that my calories just seem to work themselves out when I eat like this. It's not as hard to "cut back" because the foods I'm eating are just naturally lower in calories than things full of grains and garbage.

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OVERALL JULY GRADE: B-

I pushed hard and got a lot done, but I wasn't consistent. And I started eating healthier foods, but I had some emotional eating as well. All in all, I'd say it wasn't all that bad, and what happened somehow helped me to settle my mind with what needs to happen now to move me forward. I have had several people tell me "Don't give up!" and I'm not. Not in the way you're thinking. I'm just reworking my mindset and strategy to focus less on the goal of "losing weight" and more on the goal of "living a healthy lifestyle"...because as much as we all talk about how we're "changing our lives"...sometimes it can feel like a boring old diet - a must do on the list of lose weight, get healthy and fit. We like to think of it in pretty terms, but on weigh-in day sometimes it all falls apart if we don't get what we want. So I'm trying to change my thinking and make working out and eating right less of a "have to" and more of a "get to" - as in, "I get to eat all these delicious clean and healthy foods and not feel guilty for a random indulgence now and again because I know I'm putting time in at the gym to make my body healthy and strong." July made me realize that with this plateau I had slipped back into a diet mentality...and that crap needs to GO!

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AUGUST GOALS

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Weight

I thought about not setting a weight goal because I don't plan on weighing in until September 1st (if I can help it), but I will say that I'd like to lose another 5-6 pounds like this month. That'd make me feel great and would set me up to be DONE with this plateau and under the 300 mark. Still, I'm not weighing in so I won't be able to stress over the numbers there. There are so many other beautiful numbers I can focus on - like fitness minutes! ;)

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Fitness

Okay, so last month I made it to 777 fitness minutes. I'm not going to go crazy here and try to amp up my workouts to high gear. Instead, I'm going back to the mentality of Spark - small steps lead to positive change, right?! So this month, and with sticking with my pattern/theme, I'm shooting for 888 minutes. *dopey grin*

That would average out to almost 29 minutes every day. A marked improvement.

And how am I going to get there? I'm sticking with the following schedule for August.

Sunday - 30m yoga/PT stretches
Monday - Swim
Tuesday - NROLFW
Wednesday - Swim
Thursday - NROLFW
Friday - Swim
Saturday - 30 minute walk or run

I will try to make every workout I can without stressing myself if I miss one here or there. And, no, I didn't schedule a "rest" day per se, but I'm considering Sunday rest days still because all I really want to do that day is make sure I'm stretching and taking care of my body - managing my hips, my knee, and the PF that is trying to come back. (Yay me... *sarcasm*) And I KNOW there will be some days that I miss my trip to the gym for whatever reason. I have to accept that this is part of life. I can't devote my life to this pursuit entirely and I must be ready for the unexpected family obligation...I just have to do my best to get to every workout I can possibly get to without making stupid excuses that have no real foundation in truth.

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Food

Eat more Paleo. Also, I've reset my tickers again on both MFP and Spark, so they have me at a lower calorie range. I'm not lifting as hard as I was months back, so there's no need for me to refuel at higher ranges. Still, I'm not going to stress if I go over now and again. I've been eating pretty consistently around 2000-2400 calories so dipping down to 1600 is going to be really difficult if I try to just go there straight on. Plus, I don't think it would be good for my body. So I'm going to allow myself the higher level of my range - around 1950 - and not stress if I go over a couple hundred calories now and again. In fact, my plan is to not stress at all, because that just leads me to binge/emotional eating. I'll be fine eating anywhere from 1600 to 2400 calories...and I still will try to hold myself down from raging if I get to 2600 on a honest to goodness "hungry day"...because we all have them. (I had one yesterday! ERMAGAD!)

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OTHER

I'm also going to work on keeping my "Weekend Projects" going around the house. I'd love to be able to finish up cleaning and prepping my laundry area this weekend for a bit of a makeover. I'm a little scared to move on to any other room, so if I want to stick with this one until it's completely painted, organized, and in lovely shape, I'm going to give myself every weekend in August to do that. But I may just organize best I can (painting is a pain in the rear!) and try to move on to another important room - either the living room or the kitchen. My goal is to have a better house on September 1st than I do today...and to keep it up throughout the month.

Also, I want to try to keep up my off-site blog. I'm hoping to do more recipes, reviews maybe, and reports on my weekly projects. It's an effort to organize my life and give you a glimpse into the other side of it...the not solely driven by number on the scale part.
You can follow me there at:
fitfatgirlblogs.blogspot.com/

So...there we go. August goals. See...I TOLD you I wasn't giving up completely!

emoticon What are your goals for this month? Trying anything new and exciting?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GUITARWOMAN 8/1/2012 8:03PM

    Great blog, glad to see you up and running.

You know, I have never set monthly goals, at least not in writing, I will think about doing this... emoticon

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 8/1/2012 1:52PM

    I love that you shill have a plan but are giving yourself the options to be flexible. I do think you were a bit hard on yourself with the B-, what with losing your washer/dryer and being without power for how long?

Congrats on the loss. Glad to see that the determination you show is also a trait your kids have, they are growing into great young men!

888 - LOVE IT!

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ARUNNINGKAT 8/1/2012 12:52PM

    Love, love, love your blog and your plans! You sound like you are on the right track and you are making progress no matter how slow the progress seems sometimes. And you sound encouraged today too! You are such an amazing lady and I hate to see you discouraged! Have a great month of August! We are going to do this thing, this thing called healthy living! emoticon

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ATROTTIER 8/1/2012 12:26PM

    Love it!! I will remember that moment you had with your son so I can do the same for my son someday - never give up! :)

So happy for you and your goals are fantastic! I started my jogging program last week so I intend to keep on it this month because I signed up on my company team for a 5K MUD run in early October so I cannot stop training for that...I'm pretty much the only chubby person on the team - i work with all skinnies so I need to keep up - i want to keep up with them! The running is damn hard, I'm really hoping it gets better.

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ERIN1128 8/1/2012 11:58AM

    Honey, I give you an A any month! I love how you keep picking yourself up and getting back on that horse. And I love how you and your son work together.

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Football Season Incoming!

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

First of all, if there are any cooks out there willing to help me revamp a recipe, you can find the info at my other blog: fitfatgirlblogs.blogspot.com/2012/07
/recipe-makeover-veggie-frittata-muffi
ns.html


I have to tell you that I felt better yesterday than I have in a long time. It's like the pressure was released from my shoulders and the worries melted away a bit. (Not completely...I'm not insane here! I still WANT to lose weight and stay healthy so there will always be that little nagging "Are you sure?" question in the back of my head.) That lasted most of the day.

I do have to note that I was a little hungrier than usual yesterday...but I should also note that even though I planned on eating 2 slices of pepperoni pizza last night, I stopped at 1 and a half because I knew I was done. And that, my friends, is the power of not feeling pressured. I didn't emotionally eat the rest because I was angry about the situation and about the guilt I felt over eating it. In fact, I wasn't even feeling guilty. Of course, there was a comment from Hubs that made me want to slither into a ball, but...I know he didn't mean it the way my sensitive brain took it. He honestly just doesn't understand this whole "giving up without giving up" thing. I don't even know if I fully get it, but my body seems to understand.

I have done both morning workouts - yesterday and today - two days in a row without guilt and shame pulling me there. I simply tell myself, "This is your schedule. Today you have to get your workout in early because you have to take Ethan to football tonight." And off I went.

Yesterday it was swimming 1500 yards like a friggin' champ! (That's just 150 off my 1 mile mark!!)

This morning, it was Workout A1 from Stage 1 of New Rules of Lifting for Women. And I did it up smart too...I actually warmed up and cooled down and stretched before and after without nagging myself or fighting myself on it. (Warm-up was 5 minutes, level 13 on the bike. Cool down was a little run/walk intervals for 5 minutes, followed by 5 minutes of real cooldown slow walking on the treadmill.)

So far I feel soreness, but not pain. I do need to ice my hip and back, so I'm going to have to invest in an ice pack to keep here at work. Manage it, Esther. Manage your body.



The best part about all of this is that last night, without feeling rushed or overworked, I was able to take my youngest to get his football gear as the season is starting this week! Of course the first thing his coach told him? "You need a hair cut, Bub!" *lol* My poor son has my hair - thick, coarse, and his is even a bit curly as well. It grows SUPER fast. Just months ago we got him a mohawk cut that was pretty short...but now it's just an overgrown mess again. I'll be taking him this weekend to get it buzzed, though, because when he's under that helmet on hot nights in August, he does not need any extra heating from his hair!

Of course, it's not all sunshine and rainbows out my butt. I did have a moment again last night when I realized that I don't really know the moms like they know each other. A lot of them grew up in this area together and it is just SO difficult to make friends as adults. When we were kids it was so easy, "You like My Little Pony!? Me too! We are BEST friends!" Done. Now...well, honestly I have no idea how to make friends with these women. *shrug* I want to be included but I don't want to force myself in... *sigh* (bad Mom moment incoming) ...it might help if Ethan was more of a rockstar on the field. I feel like too often he's simply forgotten. And he lets it happen. That could all change this year, though...it's his 2nd year on the team and there are less kids and he's one of the biggest. Should be interesting...

So, there ya have it.

Oh, and I made my own deviled eggs today with my homemade (Paleo) Ginger Mayo! NOM! A great post-workout snack!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

_MSAPRIL17_ 7/31/2012 10:10PM

    Look at that handsome man!!!

I know what you're talking about when it comes to sports (or any activity) and making friends with the other moms. At the beginning of baseball, I sat alone at the end...because I put myself there. I felt younger than most of the moms and I kept thinking they were looking at me like I was a "single parent" because most of them sat there with their families. Turns out, no one was looking at me any way at all. It took a little bit, but I'm now friends with many of them. Even on Tyson's tournament team who he only played with some of those kids once, I still talk to their parents. I enjoy it now. It doesn't intimidate me and the way I look at it is that I'm going to be seeing these same parents for a long time to come. If I can be a little more open, stepping out of my comfort zone, and make the effort, it's hopefully going to make it easier for Tyson (or Jake) to talk to new kids and develop new friendships. So far so good!!
You'll be just fine!! I know you will. :)

Great job on the workouts woman!!! It's funny how when your "free" time shrinks you find the time to get a workout in, but when you have all the time in the world, you are less likely to do it. Wait....I totally just described myself....haha!!!
Way to get it in!!!

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ERIN1128 7/31/2012 12:15PM

    Breaking into a group as a newbie can be a little intimidating, but just remember that you have lots in common wtih them - kids, football, and trying to juggle it all! :-) Glad you're feeling better about everything in general.

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BAYBELIEVER 7/31/2012 10:49AM

    I know how you feel about making friends with moms who have been friends for a long time. My dad (!!!) once gave me the advice to just ask about their kid. Who is your kid? What position do they play? Everyone always loves to talk about their kids and it gets a conversation rolling.

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Decision Time

Monday, July 30, 2012

I sat with myself all Friday, the tears coming off and on, trying to figure out my next step. I've been frustrated for quite a while now, but Friday it reached an all time high. I just can't keep doing this to myself. I can't take the heartbreak and disappointment any longer. I can't sit here constantly pushing and punishing myself only to STILL fail when the time comes to judge my efforts. It's just too hard. And I don't mean just physically, but emotionally as well.

I'm not going to attempt to explain the frustration to you. You already either get it, or you don't. And maybe some day you'll get there and you'll have a "think back" moment and then you'll get it. I, honest to goodness, wish not one of you actually knew what it felt like to push against a solid wall. And I wish I didn't always have someone when I'm at my wits end promising that they have the magic answer that will solve all my problems.

I feel like Jack with his magic beans here. I have no idea what the next set of beans are going to yield. I'd much rather have my cow back because at least I knew what I was getting with her - milk every single morning...consistently!

So I had to decide what to do. I felt like the most important thing was pulling into myself and putting myself in defensive mode. I know that much more heartbreak would send me into a downward spiral it might take me a very, very long time to pull myself out of. I didn't want to lose everything I had gained from losing weight, and, yes, I really still wanted to lose weight. But I couldn't keep being a "failure". (In my own eyes that's how I felt...and my eyes are really all that matter because I have to live with me every single day.)

Okay, enough delays, right?
Get to the point!

The point is, I've decided that the biggest thing I'm going to change is my thinking.

I'm no longer going to hold myself to the must-haves of this "journey" or whatever the hell you want to call it. (Maybe while I'm rethinking I can rethink a new word that isn't so... *shudders*.) Instead, I'm going to expect that this is the way I live now.

I'm going to allow myself to be who I've become without trying to change myself any more right now. If the weight drops as a result - Great! If not, at least I wasn't pushing so hard and got nowhere, right?

The life I see myself living right now is so different from the one before.
I'm active.
I can sprint across the road if need be.
I'm not exactly shy any longer.
I can crack jokes and smile and feel more confident in myself.
I'm a friggin' GREAT cook!
I workout at least 3-5 days a week to keep my body in good shape.

I'm still going to work on making changes...but a different kind.
I've spent (wasted) the past year putting all my eggs in one basket and trying to lose this weight. And I've got nothing (numberwise from the scale) to show for it. So maybe it's time to start fixing the other parts of my life that need fixing.

So on Friday, I created an off-Spark blog.
fitfatgirlblogs.blogspot.com

It was something I was discussing doing already and had talked to a good friend and my husband about it. This will allow me to branch off into other things and really devote myself to the business of making my life just a little bit better in a variety of different ways.

I hope it also hones my cooking skill as I'd like to start making my OWN recipes to share with other people. I think I've finally made it to that level of understanding in the kitchen.

Plus, this will help me keep track of all my goals, all my recipes/websites, my full meal plan and workout schedule and all of it in one nice, neat little package.

As for weighing in...I haven't quite decided yet. I know that I skipped looking today. Right now I'm thinking I'll check on the morning of the first of August and then I'll put it away for a little bit - maybe until mid-August or even the first of September. Of course, I may break down and look, but I'm hoping by refocusing myself and the areas I want to improve, I won't even really be thinking about my weight.

So that's the plan.

And my raspberries are a little off this AM. :/
Oh, and I moved up to 1500 yards in the pool today and my form is improving, but I needed a couple recovery laps. To be expected...a jump from 1200 to 1500 AND I was working on shorter breaks this go 'round. All in all, not bad. And I was able to get my HRM to read in the pool so I can just log everything in one place if I want to! (I was logging in 3 places and it was getting really out of hand!)

Football practice tonight. Can't wait to see my boy being active again! Stupid summer and stupid video games!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ERIN1128 7/30/2012 8:26PM

    sounds like a good plan. sounds like it's time to take some of that pressure off yourself. :-)

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KRYS210 7/30/2012 5:49PM

    I am still here if you need any help from the Spark side. Give yourself time and things will fall into place.


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ATROTTIER 7/30/2012 4:14PM

    I do like that you are doing what is good for you in this moment, I really hope the other blog makes you keep that happy smile!

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ROMNEY3 7/30/2012 1:54PM

    I like this plan. Give yourself something else to focus on for awhile. Good Luck. I will check out the new blog.



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ARUNNINGKAT 7/30/2012 11:58AM

    Sounds like a good plan to live a healthy life! emoticon

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SUGIRL06 7/30/2012 10:50AM

    emoticon

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BRIDIE5 7/30/2012 9:38AM

  Sounds like a healthy step to improve your life satisfaction, nd that's huge plus all around!

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Enough

Friday, July 27, 2012

Weight Last Week: 301.0
Weight This Week: 305.0

It's official...I'm still on a plateau. And I'm tired.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PATTILYNN224 7/28/2012 9:11PM

  I believe that its important for you to write your ups and downs regardless of whether others are tired of hearing about it. It's not their journey, its yours. Write for yourself, not others. Writing about the up/down emotions are so much better than eating the feelings.

Don't sell yourself short if writing your feelings is what you need to do.

I've appreciated your frustration and your honesty about your real journey - not a sugar coated one. I have empathy for you, sympathy sometimes too as I feel the emotions running hot and deep.



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RESTORETOSANITY 7/28/2012 8:39AM

  In reply to your reply...I subscribe to your blog because I think you're neat people just the way you are, so I hope you don't leave sparkpeople. It has nothing to do with how quickly you're losing or how long you are or aren't on a plateau. You have intrinsic value, and if you can't believe that, we'll believe it til you do!

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GUITARWOMAN 7/27/2012 3:58PM

    Not the end of the story, I think.

There are a lot of good suggestions here.

Can you get a full medical assessment?

Don't give up! You inspire me!


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_MSAPRIL17_ 7/27/2012 2:11PM

    You're not a quitter. You can't fool me.

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SKNYMOMWANNABE 7/27/2012 1:37PM

    So a couple babies in and in your early 30's...Have you had your thyroid tested? If not you should. Don't accept a diagnosis, ask for your numbers. I went from energizer bunny to sloth after baby number two. I gained a ton of weight. Hired a trainer, went to WW for 3 weeks...did it all right and lost ONE POUND. ONE!

I tried medifast, nada. I had my thyroid tested and they said it was "normal" My number was "7" so I asked for the scale-it was 1-40 and "low" was "6." Clearly this wasn't "normal" for me. I started on synthroid and the fog/depression lifted but the scale didn't budge. Tried a whole bunch of diets, no one mentioned the fact that I shouldn't have ANY soy with the meds, goodbye South Beach Bars! Goodbye 99% of protein bars!

Then of course there is the taking it on an empty stomach and waiting an hour before eating, new to me. My dosage got upped because "it wasn't working" then my hair fell out...ooops, my bad! The deal is this took years! My doctor blamed my fatigue on my young kids, high stress etc. I eventually got so out of shape that my metabolism was slowere than a dead person's. I could eat 800 calories a day and nothing. My thyroid failing kicked me into early menopause so at 36 I was having hotflashes and night sweats.

Finally my meds were correct. I had zero muscle mass, a really bad knee, aches, pains, low energy and I weighed 256 pounds. I realized I could change ONE thing. Just one. I found a women only bootcamp and went...everyday. I got my family onboard, eventually. I didn't change my eating for 5 months after joining bootcamp because I was trying to build muscles to increase my sluggish metabolism. Inches were lost-about 16 but "only" 5 pounds. I have arthritis in one knee(my 86 yo knee) and a wonky ankle in the other leg.

I can't make you like yourself. I can tell you that your shape changes with muscles.Your self confidence goes up as you accomplish things you thought were never going to happen again. I blew my knee at 27 and was told my running days were over and I was okay with that. I never thought I'd be doing a 10K at 43 or a half marathon(only one!) at 45...I didn't drop this weight quickly. I consider a plateau a win, I could be GAINING WEIGHT?! I'm jealous of people who lose 100 pounds in six months or a year. I've lost 60 in 2 years...I can tell you that your life is worth saving and that taking off another 100 pounds will go very far in doing just that. I will tell you to RUN to the doctors, have a full panel done. Figure out WHAT is going on and then fix it. My blogging is sporadic but I talk about different aspects of losing weight. Maybe one of them will reasonate with you? Good Luck in whatever direction you choose to pursue. Sydney

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VICKYMARIEC 7/27/2012 12:50PM

    Girl you are doing great. I know those numbers suck and it's been that way for so long. but you know regardless of that damn scale, you are doing great things for your body. Have you told NTB about your plateau? I know he pushed you and you ALWAYS push yourself, but at some point, something has to give. I'm sorry girl, hopefully soon you'll see some light!

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IRONBLOSSOM 7/27/2012 11:58AM

    I'm so sorry you're hurting like this. I know how much it sucks to plateau and feel stuck, and I agree that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result...so switch it up! Just do a different workout one day a week, hope in the pool instead of the bike or something, anything! I don't really know what your plan has been, but you need to mix it up! Switch up your eating, maybe do variable calorie days, i.e. Monday you eat the bottom of your range, Tuesday you eat the top, Wednesday you eat in the middle, etc...so that you "trick" your body into releasing some of that fat!

Think of it this way, it took your whole life to get to this point...it may take the REST of your life to get back and stay at your healthiest weight. You've done AMAZINGLY well until this plateau, if it were easy, everyone would be thin!

I know these are platitudes, but to me you ARE a success story already. You lost SO much and yes, you have further to go, but don't you feel better now that you did all those pounds ago? Don't you want to feel even better yet?

Maybe you need a break from the scale, maybe you need a break from the gym or even your eating plan. Maybe you're just burned out. But DON'T give up. I can only speak for myself, but I don't think anyone is "sick of hearing" about your journey, I don't think anyone here considers you a failure. We're all struggling every day. I'm embarrassed to admit the number of and drooling level when I think about Taco Bell. I have days where every hour I'm changing my mind between giving up and stuffing my face with pringles and chocolate, going on an all water all the time diet to make my loss faster, and having so little energy I'm nearly asleep in my desk chair. Things happen. Thoughts and feelings happen. DON'T LET THEM WIN!!! :-)

Ok, this is long enough, I just want you to know we all have these feelings sometimes, but we will ALL get there as long as we stick to it!
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CALLIKIA 7/27/2012 9:50AM

    I appreciate the support, I do. And maybe this blog will help me later. Right now? I have no idea what I'm going to do. It doesn't mean I'm going to go back to drinking full 2 liters of pop and pounding a box of Twinkies followed by a box of Ho-Hos. I'm not an idiot. I like the food I eat now, and I probably won't change a damn thing from last week to this one and on and on until the end of time. But I have to give up any hope of being a success story, of ever getting rid of my stomach, of ever getting under 300 pounds, of ever being able to say, "I did it!" because it's KILLING ME mentally and emotionally to keep hoping for progress only to see none. I feel like a child constantly starving for attention who does everything she can do to be good, but because she wasn't perfect she gets smacked across the face for silly mistakes that other parents would simply shrug over.

I'll let you know probably tomorrow if I plan on leaving or staying at Spark. I just can't rationalize in my head how I can be a support to anyone ever again. Yes, I lost 160 pounds. It took me YEARS to do it, but I did that. ....BUT... And that's a big but. In relation to the majority of people on here...it's like losing 20 pounds of the 40 that need to be lost. 50 of the 100 that need to be gone. I got halfway and then stalled out like a friggin' broke down car. And I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm getting sick and tired of hearing my up/down emotions on the whole thing. I can't keep obsessing over something that is probably never going to happen. I can't keep working weeks and weeks finally picking the lock of a door only to have it slammed in my face and locked again. Stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. My stupidity is expecting that I might have the answer to this problem someday...because I don't. Something in me is broken and I don't know that it will ever be fixed...but right now it's my heart that hurts the most because I feel like my dreams keep dying and I work so hard to give them CPR each time, but they just keep dying.

This is not getting into grad school all over again.

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HDHAWK 7/27/2012 9:41AM

    Even if the scale isn't budging you are still doing good things for your body. I'm sure you have more energy and are able to do more things. You're certainly making more progress than I have in a long time! Don't give up! emoticon

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ELLISH 7/27/2012 9:11AM

    Plateau or someone who has done ond hell of a job and is maintained it for 8 months! I'll happen, you'll change something up and it will take right off again! Your and inspiration and the fact is everyone here knows you have it in you to acheive! ;)

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NOTABOUTHEFACE 7/27/2012 8:44AM

    Preach it.

I'm on month 8 as well and I feel pretty much done.

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ABSCAB1 7/27/2012 8:08AM

    Don't you dare give up..You can and will overcome this..This is a big change for your body..Just think this is for the rest of your life..You are doing so awesome..Try to stay positive and when you think you can't go on..get on here and read what people have posted..You are doing it girl!!!

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CALLIKIA 7/27/2012 8:01AM

    I have been on a plateau for 8 months now. EIGHT MONTHS. I'm tired. It's emotionally draining. I've tried. I've failed. End of story.

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CHARMED34 7/27/2012 8:01AM

    emoticon

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EMGERBER 7/27/2012 8:00AM

    I know how hard it can be when you stall like this but pushing through you will be successful. Stay focused re-evaluate and you will succeed.

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ZOEANAEL 7/27/2012 8:00AM

    Don't give up! Have you looked all the great advice about breaking plateaus in the Secret of success section?

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It Wasn't Pretty But...

Thursday, July 26, 2012

There's a theme to this blog...as there seems to have been a theme for the past 24 hours of my life or so.

It wasn't pretty but...


Yesterday I had the new Chicken Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. We don't have a Chipotle here, and, honestly, I've never even been to one though I've heard great things...but there have been some comparisons to this new Taco Bell infusion and that other (apparently higher class/fresher) chain. You'll have to judge for yourself there. I didn't have any leftovers for lunch yesterday and I was trying to think of something I could get that I wouldn't beat myself up for later. I did NOT want salad. I was sick to death of salad...and that left me with a choice of Subway sub, burger and fries, roast beef sandwich and curly fries, fried fish and fries...you see my point, right?! So this thing popped into my head and I immediately looked up a calorie count on it. 560 calories. Not TOO bad. And the sources of those calories were in the rice, grilled chicken, guac (hello avocado!) and black beans. Not bad options. Not exactly Paleo friendly, but better than most of my other options. Plus, it's new...and I love trying new things (honestly, though, I could've lived my life without having one of those Dorito tacos...blech!).

My thoughts? It wasn't pretty (the sight of it almost made me think twice about trying it at all), but it was actually quite good. And filling as well! I only ate about 1/2 of it and ate the other 1/2 an hour or two later. I'd certainly eat it again if I was running low on options/leftovers. It's better than a burger but not as good as a salad...and that's where it will stay in my head. But as far as indulgences go? It's a pretty safe one, I'd say!

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It wasn't pretty but...

I didn't go swimming last night after work. I know, I know...but it wasn't due to the soreness (but OMG the soreness!! YIKES!). Instead, Hubs called me late in the day to inform me that his father had found someone in the next town over who buys/repairs/resells washers and dryers. He informed me that my FIL had spent $100 buying us a refurbished washer, which was now sitting out on my lawn waiting for us to take it in. *sigh and YAY all at the same time*

I knew Hubs wasn't getting home until after 7pm, but there was some prep stuff that needed to be done first. Our washer/dryer area sits right inside the back door...which we never use. And without any ability to wash clothes and my son's brilliant cleaning style for cleaning his room (he throws everything in my hall....I can't tell you how many legos my poor feet have stepped on!) - well, I needed to do a little cleaning up of the area. Plus...well, Hubs has been lax on his weeding duties out back (hey, he has VERY FEW chores, but the yard is one of them...I will mow but I hate weedeating!) so there was some overgrown brush that needed to be cleared out as well. Enter the comedy of errors.

1) I got home and my brilliant son hadn't done his chores (dishes), so I had to quick do those so I could make dinner later.

2) I clear out the area in front of the washer/dryer after stepping on a few small bits of toys and yelling a few choice words.

3) I go to get the weedeater...it's electric...and Ethan informs me we don't have an extension cord. *facepalm*

4) I go to get the mower, because I figure I can just work at it with that...but the mower is out of gas, and our gas canister is empty. (REALLY!?)

So, yea, that was interesting. We finally got things sorted out when Hubs got home. We got the old washer out and (even with his protesting), got the new one in. (Small note here - I did a lot of the heavy lifting there. *big grin* My Hubs actually made some comment about calling his father to help. "Why?" I asked. "Well, so we can just lift it up in there." I looked straight at him and said, "Do you think I just go to the gym to people watch and look pretty?" And, I took the lead and we got the thing in there no problem. :) )

And our first load? It leaked everywhere. *lmao* (By now it was just funny...everything was getting funny at this point.) Hubs tightened the hoses in the back and we're now in business.

So, it wasn't pretty but I have a washer again and I'm wearing freshly laundered clothes this morning! (Not that I wasn't before...but these were the first clothes washed in my NEW (old...it looks like it's from 1973) washer!!)

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I didn't exactly get to bed early last night with all the drama, but it was around 11:20pm as I was drifting to sleep and I had set my alarm for 5am on the off chance that I was able to get up early and get to the pool to make up my swim I had missed. Little did I know my 12 year old decided to stay up all night...again (this is the last week they're allowed to sleep when they want...next week we go back to bedtimes and routines). He nudged me around 5:15am and said, "Uhm, Mom. It's 5:15am and your alarm is going off." "That's nice..." I told him. *lol* At least he had the intuition to realize I was still half asleep so he tried his approach again. He helped make me breakfast while I was rushing around like chicken sans head to get out the door.

I'm still sore this morning from TUESDAY *sigh* and that showed itself in the pool. Not to mention the countless equipment malfunctions I had. First of all, I got some conditioner in my goggles as they were in my bag. I tried to get most of it out, but it's totally screwing with my goggles (and my eye is burning so maybe there was a touch left in there when I put them on). Not to mention my cap would just NOT stay on this morning. I had to adjust it (and I mean pull it off and put it back on again) no less than half a dozen times! I didn't do my laps as programmed because I couldn't really think this morning other than counting. So I just counted laps. I think I swam slower than I ever have in my life...and it was sloppy as all get out...but I also swam solidly for a lot longer than I usually do (other than equipment breaks I only took about 2-3 breaks the whole time to catch my breath). I ended up doing 60 laps...it took me until lap 50 to do the calculation in my head that 1200 divided by 20 is 60. Yep...that's how "slow" I feel this morning.

It wasn't pretty...but I did 60 laps in 47 minutes and got my swim time in.

---

So now I'm back at work, wishing like hell I was at home again in bed. I'm so damn tired and I hurt all over! While I may have missed my swim last night - dragging a washer up and down 4 very tall steps into and out of position certainly isn't "relaxing" or "resting"....

Hope you all have a good day. I might take a nap now. *head falls on desk* *snoring begins*
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IRONBLOSSOM 7/27/2012 12:05PM

    I had that as a burrito the other day, it was GREAT! I really liked it and I was SUPER full, plus it just FEELS healthy. I don't think the burrito is as "good" stats wise as the bowl, but I was eating and driving, it's much easier! :-)

It is a lot like chipotle, I've sworn off chipotle because their calorie counts are so inconsistent they may as well not even be there. But I used to love them. The thing was, you could get really unhealthy with it too, add on the sour cream and cheese and guac and you're adding like 300 calories that's mostly fat! And only one good fat! Still, they're very very very tasty.

Sounds like you really kicked butt on the swim, even if it was slow, you DID it! This morning my workout was just...bad. I don't know, I only got about 5 hours of sleep, had a few drinks last night, whatever it was I closed my eyes while doing a plank and literally started feeling dizzy and like I was falling asleep, emphasis on falling. But I did it. I did an hour. Maybe not the best hour, maybe not as good as it could have been...but better than nothing!

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ERIN1128 7/26/2012 12:18PM

    Awesome on the washer!

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ARUNNINGKAT 7/26/2012 11:49AM

    So glad that you have a new (old) washer! You don't realize how nice it is to have your own washer and dryer until you don't. Been there a few times and it is no fun!

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SUGIRL06 7/26/2012 11:43AM

    How nice of your FIL to get you a new washer!!! Even though its not new, its one less thing to worry about now! And go you for putting it in yourself :) We had a flood too last week. The drain tube popped out of the pipe. Luckily I had walked in when it just started to drain. I immediately stopped the washer and ran to get Rob. Easy fix!
~Ang

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GUITARWOMAN 7/26/2012 11:26AM

    You lead an interesting life.

Our kids are adult and independent, just DH and me and a nicely functioning washing machine that Sears will come to fix if it breaks down.....

I kind of miss (actually for very short periods of time) the busy life one has with growing children.

Good for you for getting the swim in. Sounds like you did a lot?

And good for you for reasonable food choices!



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VICKYMARIEC 7/26/2012 11:21AM

    I'm not even done reading your blog yet, but i LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your comment to your hubby about going to the gym to just ppl watch and look pretty! CLASSIC!!!!

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ROMNEY3 7/26/2012 11:06AM

    Sounds alot like my night, only instead of a washer it was 100 bales of hay, onto wagon, off wagon onto other truck, off truck into customers lot. Mine I have arm muscles this AM.

Good job getting the swimming in this morning, hoping to do that after work if the storms hold off.


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MUSOLF6 7/26/2012 10:28AM

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