Thursday, July 19, 2012
So I struggled yesterday with many things in my head.
1) I REALLY want to see a loss on the scale this week. Even after 3 weeks of loss, I still feel like I haven't quite broken through this plateau yet...so I really feel like I need a loss this week to feel like I'm still moving in the right direction.
2) My weight is up right now. This is probably partly due to TOM, partly due to a little "bad" eating on my part in the first part of the week, and partly due to my body being a PITA right now. *lol* I weighed in at Friday's weigh-in at 305.8, but have been hovering at 307 and 307.2 for the past few days. Which really makes #1 look hopeless.
3) My body is SORE. My hip/pelvic pain wasn't magically cured by a Chiropractor's visit. Go figure, right?! ;) I'm still icing and recovering, and my hip is still sore. It didn't really feel bad on my run the other night, but while stretching later, I think I may have reinjured it somehow because I had nightmares about the pain and woke up HURTING. It feels a little better today, so at least that's good. But add to that the fact that my knee popped during my swim yesterday morning and I've been feeling some tightness in the back of that knee and...well, my body feel pretty beat up right now.
So I struggled with the thoughts in my head of whether to continue to push through or back off. I hate these decisions, as I'm sure most of us do. There's really no way of knowing 100% what is the right thing to do. I sat with the thoughts all day and weighed my options and came up with the following.
1) My knee. There have been times that this bad knee of mine hasn't bothered me at all, no matter what kind of stress I put it under. When are those times? When I'm doing serious ST or lifting. When I build up the muscles around that knee, the knee cap tends to stay in place better.
2) Running right now is hurting me. It may not always be like this, but if I continue to push it, I'm just going to end up not being able to do anything because of the pain. So maybe it's really not time quite yet to get my running legs back.
3) The one thing I really AM doing okay at is my swimming. I feel easier and more comfortable in the pool and now that I have access to one, it would be a shame to waste that. I've gone from struggling to do 100 yards in the pool, to doing 1200 yesterday. I've gone from breathing heavy after one 1/2 lap, to being able to do 10 laps (20 touches). I'm improving.
4) Yes, I've taken my measurements. I took them the other day, just to get an update on what's happening. Even with the bloat, my hips/waist area is about the same, so maybe after the bloating leaves I'll actually have lost an inch or so there. But where I've really lost is my shoulders/upper arms and my legs. Both thighs and calves have shrunk a bit...so it wasn't all that odd to hear Hubs remark just last night out of the blue, "Your legs are getting smaller! I can tell." I hadn't told him about my measurements and he still noticed. So while I'd really like this belly to go away, at least there are improvements being made. And I can't really credit that to running because I haven't been able to do that much of that. The only thing I've been doing consistently is swimming.
5) My body needs taken care of by me. I've been pushing it hard lately, and that's been a great test of both my motivation and my ability. But if I push too hard, I end up too sore to continue. So it's time to level off and find the happy place as far as my workouts are concerned.
6) My work schedule changes next week. Ethan starts football in 2 weeks. Things are about to change, and I need to be ready for them. More than that, I need to be ready to not have as much time to devote to myself and to this process as I once did. Football eats up a lot of our time, so I'm going to have to make sure I plan ahead so I can get what I need to continue on and still give my kids what they need. Plus, school starts next month and I need to be ready for nights full of homework with Logan to make sure he doesn't fall behind this year. (Ethan is self-sufficient on that front.) That means making dinner on time and being there to make sure all of Logan's homework is completed and checked and that he fully understands the concepts involved.
It's time to stop overthinking things.
It's time to make a plan I can stick with full-time.
K.I.S.S. - Keep it simple, stupid.
No time to play games. I need to know what's going on each day so I don't have to think about it and can just go do.
Here's what I've come up with...
For the next two days, I will not workout. I will give my body the time it needs to rest. I will relax and take a breath and enjoy life. Okay, I will MOSTLY not workout. I have scheduled one 30 minute yoga session for tomorrow so that I can stretch out the kinks in my body. It should give me another 150 calorie burn and set me right at my calorie burn for the week. But if I don't have time for it (new development last night - my washer is broken...so I need to add a trip to the laundry mat into my Friday plans... *sigh*), I'm not going to stress. I will eat a little less to compensate for the decline in activity, but will not starve myself.
I'm going to do my best to ignore this guy tomorrow morning. Let's face it, this morning I got another 307.2 reading. The cramps are on full-force and I'm deep into week 2 of this horrible TOM that may last ALL month. Some things just cannot be overcome. I can't let the stress ruin my weekend and my life. I need to just accept what happens and move on. Heck, maybe if I don't go crazy over it, I'll see a really BIG loss next week and get caught up. But even if I don't, just knowing that I did what my mind, body and soul needed this week should be enough to make me feel okay about how I handled myself.
I'm not giving up. I've made new plans that I can stick to and feel better about myself for them.
Mondays, Wednesdays, and now Fridays - I will swim my laps, working toward my one mile swim goal.
On those same days, or three other days in the same week, I will go to the gym and lift weights like I know I should. Time to pull out NROLFW and let that plan work for me. It will make my body stronger and will not wear me out completely for the rest of my workouts.
And one day a week - probably Saturday - I will give myself a 30 minute yoga session to make sure I work out all the kinks in my body and prepare myself for the week to come. I need to invest in a couple more Yoga DVDs to be sure, but that's something I'm more than prepared to do.
If I cannot get to the gym for my ST lessons, I will pull out a tried and true bodyweight routine that includes things like squats, lunges, planks, pushups, and those dreaded burpees. I know that I know how to make up circuit routines, so I need to make up a strength circuit that will help me in those days when I feel stuck or suffocated by the gym and my list of to-dos.
I will eat at a slightly lower range, but not too much lower. Let's face it, when I eat right, I have a problem trying to get my 2400 calories on a daily basis. I'm going to shoot for 2200 or thereabouts. At least, I think that's what I came up with yesterday...I'll have to go check one last time to be sure. If I'm doing heavy lifting and feel hungrier, though, I will understand that my body needs more to enhance/build my muscles and may go back to a higher range. I'll have to play that one by ear.
For right now, I'm not going to count my ST as a calorie burn workout. It's just going to be "extra" for right now. I need some time to just focus on form and function and getting my muscles stronger without worrying about how many calories I need to burn.
If I stick to the plan above, I should be on target to lose weight. I will workout about 3-4 hours a week, which is plenty for someone who is trying to lose weight without letting it take over her life. Working out 7-9 hours a week is something for figure competitors and athletes. I am neither, therefore, there is no need for me to attempt to rise to that level of gym perfection. In those 4 hours in the gym (and with the yoga at home), I should be burning around 1800 calories. That's 1/2 a pound right there. Slow and steady wins the race, right?
If I feel up to it, I will take long walks or might squeeze in a short run or two. I'd like to not lose any stamina I've rebuilt for running, so it'd be great to get one in each week if I can. But I'm not going to force it...I'm just going to let it happen if it will and if I feel up to it.
=== === === ===
Here's the next 9 days mapped out then:
Today - REST, ICE, and HEAL
Friday - REST, ICE and HEAL and try to do 30 minutes of Yoga
Saturday - Hiking for 1-2 hours without worrying about calorie burn AT ALL
Sunday - REST, ICE and HEAL
Monday - Laps in the pool, repeating week 3 of my training, ST session after work
Tuesday - REST
Wednesday - Laps in the pool, Week 3 Day 2 again, ST session after work
Thursday - REST
Friday - Laps in the pool, Week 3 Day 3 again, ST session after work
NROLFW Week 1:
A1 - Squats, Pushups, Seated Rows, Step-Ups, Prone Jackknifes
A - Barbell Squats (2 sets, 15 reps, 60 second rest)
B1 - Pushups (2 sets, 15 reps, 60 second rest)
B2 - Seated Cable Rows (2 sets, 15 reps, 60 second rest)
C1 - Step-Ups (2 sets, 15 reps, 60 second rest)
C2 - Prone Jackknife (2 sets, 8 reps, 60 second rest)
B1 - Deadlifts, Shoulder Presses, Wide-Grip Lat Pulldowns, Lunges, Exercise Ball Crunches
A - Deadlift (2 sets, 15 reps, 60 second rest)
B1 - Dumbbell Shoulder Press (2 sets, 15 reps, 60 second rest)
B2 - Wide-Grip Lat Pulldowns (2 sets, 15 reps, 60 second rest)
C1 - Lunges (2 sets, 15 reps, 60 second rest)
C2 - Swiss-Ball Crunch (2 sets, 8 reps, 60 second rest)
A2 - Squats, Pushups, Seated Rows, Step-Ups, Prone Jackknifes
A - Barbell Squats (2 sets, 15 reps, 60 second rest)
B1 - Pushups (2 sets, 15 reps, 60 second rest)
B2 - Seated Cable Rows (2 sets, 15 reps, 60 second rest)
C1 - Step-Ups (2 sets, 15 reps, 60 second rest)
C2 - Prone Jackknife (2 sets, 8 reps, 60 second rest)
=== === === ===
So that's the KISS plan.
Laps 3 times a week.
Lifting (or bodyweight ST) 3 times a week.
Yoga 1 time a week.
Ever feel like you're pushing too hard? Do you usually try to break through the pain or do you try to change the plan to suit your needs?
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
So, I'm still totally scared of the scales, but I check in every day. Seems TOM (MAY be leaving me now...*crosses fingers*) and my inability to do as much as I was doing last week, combined with whatever else I have going on (pain, mostly) has me right around 307. *bangs head on desk* Seriously, if I do not see a loss this week...even .1 pound, I think I might throw in the towel for good.
I know what you're thinking. "It's just one week!" But it's not. It's been my life for the past 6-7 months. I'm treading water and not getting any damn where and I'm sick and friggin' tired of it. So there.
Still, Friday is two days away and I'm not giving up without a fight. Most weeks my weight fluctuates up the first few days, and then back down the rest of the week, so hopefully that trend will continue. (It did come down like 1/2 a pound today from yesterday.) Friday is all that counts, really, so I'm going to do what I can for the next two days and see where I'm at again on Friday.
My eating was good yesterday.
I did go for my run, but I'm paying for it now.
My hip still hurts and, honest to God, it's pissing me the hell off.
Once again, I'm going to have to give up the one thing I love more than anything.
Even though I love the way it makes me feel in the moment and just after.
Even though it seems to be the best for my endurance and stamina.
My body friggin' hates me and it's going to do everything it can to stop me from succeeding.
My heart is too good to get any rise from a low impact workout.
My body is too weak to do anything more.
Rock, meet Hard Place.
Now that we're getting to know each other...
Could someone PLEASE find me a sledgehammer?!
Don't worry, it's not all doom and gloom over here.
(Though I do tend to get snarky and sarcastic when I'm upset over something I feel I'm losing control over...I call it "snarktastic".*)
Last night I threw together a beef stir fry that was mostly Paleo and included a crapton of veggies. Carrots, cabbage, red pepper, onion, and kale, all mixed together with beef flank steak. Not a single complaint from any of the boys/men in the house. And all I needed after that was a couple dark chocolate chips to satiate my sweet tooth and the rest of the night was spent resting and icing and going to bed early.
And I am proud to report that I was able to pull myself out of bed early for an early morning swim. 1200 yards this morning. OMG! I felt that! I am SUPER sore. I could feel the heat radiating off my body in the water. It's so strange to sweat while you're in a pool of water. I mean, you know what your body is doing, but there are no outward signs of it. STRANGE.
Anyhow, I'm on week 3 of my 0 to 1650.
400 yards, 12 breath break
200 yards, 10 breath break
4x100, 6-8 breath break (I forget)
4x50 (which I split into 2x60 and 2x40), 4 breath break
It went pretty alright. I had to do a couple laps in "recovery" mode (not kicking my legs) to stave off an oxygen-deprived headache, but I came out of it in the end and only cramped up a smidge on my last two laps. Not too bad, especially considering I went into it with a sore left knee (it did pop out at one point) and a bum hip (I never knew how important hips were for swimming until I started this program). Plus (shh...secret time...) I beat the guy in the pool next to me! Nevermind that he was probably 20 years older than me and I barely beat him, but I DID beat him without really trying too hard. *snort* (No, it wasn't a competition...but my competitive mind can't help but notice when it's in first place. *lol*)
So, I'm still moving forward. I did have another ungodly breakfast (g'd'it golden M! *shakes fist*), but I'm all out of eggs and haven't had the chance to get more, leaving little left at my house but cereal. Grains...with dairy poured over it...full of sugar. Hrm. No. Of course, what I had wasn't much better, so...
AND, no leftovers from last night, which means I'll have to grab something for lunch today. Always a challenge, but I think I'm up to it. (Or I'll just force down another salad with tuna on it. I think I've decided that I don't much care for tuna unless it's in sushi form...) For dinner I'm making our Sausage and Cabbage "Noodles" with Fried Apples again, so I'm really looking forward to that.
And tomorrow? Who knows! I haven't even figured that out yet. It will just be Hubs and I and the temptation to eat out will be enormous, but I have to hold off on that for the weekend and try to find something to cook. Again, this will be after my "run" that will now be a 35-40 minute walk. *sigh* (I can't help it. It makes me feel like a loser remembering where I once was and now feeling like I'm incapable of just about everything. I'm having to skip the Rockin' Body routines as well, even though I can already see them working off my love handles, because they work my hips too much. *trying not to scream*)
I have nothing else for you.
I'm doing whatever I can get away with...but it hurts.
Going to try stretching again, but I wonder if I didn't hurt it worse last night with some of my stretches.
Need to ice myself later.
I don't have to be at work until 10am tomorrow.
This means I could do my walk in the AM and be done with it, if I wanted to.
Or I could just sleep in.
Either way, I'm going to get some much needed rest once the boys are off with G'ma.
And they'll be gone until Monday!
And I leave Saturday with Hubs for a quick romantic getaway!
AND I'm taking Friday for myself and doing pretty much whatever I want. I may end up at the gym for some more laps since I missed Monday, but after that I plan on hitting up Old Navy to reward my good deeds from last week and the week before and get some stuff for this weekend (for FREE! *lol*). I may also walk/shop through the mall. Haven't done that in a while...
And I may look into that new suit I really need. This one is wearing down pretty quickly now, so a replacement will have to happen very soon.
Mantra for today:
Just get through today, a shorter day tomorrow, and then you can relax and enjoy your weekend.
BTW - I have already decided that Saturday and Sunday I will not log ANYTHING. I may look things up to see if they're reasonable, but I'm going to mostly go on gut and intuition. I don't plan on overindulging, though I do fully intend to share some dessert with my Hubs on Saturday night and may have a glass of wine or champagne with dinner. Other than that, I'll be conscious without being overbearing over what I eat and how much I move. I need to give myself that. The freedom to just BE for a day and a half. When I get back home, it's back on!
I'm not worried too much about this since all we have planned is hiking, followed by more hiking, followed by a fancy dinner (which usually means reasonable portions), followed by a delicious homecooked breakfast (honestly, this might be the only thing I could feel guilty about, but I refuse to as it is my first and only time in a B&B and I plan on enjoying the experience if I can), followed by more hiking, followed by a car ride home. What's there to worry about? The books I plan on reading during the drive or on down times? The whirlpool bath I plan on taking Saturday night? All the hiking and picture taking I plan on doing? Probably the first trip in a LONG time where I haven't thought or cared too much about when and where we eat, just all the stuff I want to see and relaxing I want to do.
* GG quote, anyone?! ;)
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Yesterday was not a good day.
I do not get any stars for my chart.
I attempted laps in the lap pool, but after 5 was kicked out due to thunder outside.
Instead of refocusing, I got annoyed and gave up for the day.
Damage is done...hopefully not too much.
Need to get back into my RB routines so I can continue to see my middle shrink.
The hardest part for me lately has been trying not to focus on how much I hate how my body looks right now.
Three more days of work.
Four more days of hard workouts before fun activities this weekend.
Gotta keep my focus or I'll go into this weekend with shame, regret, and guilt and won't be able to enjoy any of it.
Second hardest part is my ultimate fear of the scale.
After months of not moving at all, followed by three solid weeks of progress, I am still not down to the lowest I saw during my plateau and still fear I will yo-yo back up again.
305 is perhaps one of the scariest weights for me right now.
And fear can be paralyzing.
I have to learn how to break through and move forward now or I might never be able to.
I hate feeling scared and anxious.
And TOM is not helping me AT ALL.
I feel like I'm fighting to swim upstream through raging rapids.
(Note: With the depo, I go months without noticing anything, and then I'll get hit with one of those awful TOM that is slow and steady and painful for days or, sometimes, weeks. I'm hoping this one lets go after today.)
Fear of failure.
Fear of success.
But it is easier to end a week saying, "I did all that I could" than it is to end it in shame knowing I am the cause of my failures.
Let the weight sort itself out while I move forward.
Monday, July 16, 2012
So, where did we leave off? Oh, right. My confessional that I don't know how to be "skinny"... I learned this weekend that I don't remember how to be THAT fat either, which was a very good lesson to learn. :) I've been floating between this same weight range for so long, which is frustrating to say the LEAST for my weightloss efforts, but which also means I've gotten accustomed, finally, to life at this weight. I know this is what my body is always trying to do when I get to these big plateaus, and I figured as much in the beginning. I just wish it hadn't taken me QUITE this long. *lol*
Still, would an almost 500 pound woman volunteer to take 3 boys, all under the age of 12, for an all-day adventure in the city ALONE? Uhm, no.
Would that same woman be able not only to walk around all day non-stop with those 3 boys, but be fit enough to actually participate in the fun? Again...no.
So as frustrating as it may be to be 300 pounds still...I realized this weekend just how glad I am it's not still 400. (Took me long enough, right?!)
First, let's get this out of the way from Friday:
=== === === === === ===
Weight Last Week: 308.2
Weight This Week: 305.8
Loss of: 2.4 pounds!
Not too shabby! ;)
AND I lost about 1/2 a percentage of body fat again, though I'm struggling with the same percentage still because of some inconsistency in previous weeks.
As far as my challenges go:
Lose 5% -
The goal was to lose 5% in either body fat % OR weight by the end of July. I got off track there a bit, but that's okay. I can extend the deadline for this goal and keep working on that same 5%. I started off at 309.8 and 47.1%. Now with the body fat % I'm at about 47.3 right now, so no luck there. HOWEVER, with the weight I'm down to 305.8...a loss of 4 pounds. (Moving in the right direction! WOOT!) The goal of 5% would mean a loss of 15.5 pounds from that original number, so a goal weight of 294.3, so I still have 11.5 pounds to go to reach this goal.
Summer Accountability Challenge -
The goal is 285 by September 22. That means I need another 20 pounds in the next 10 weeks. That's tight, but still doable. I'd be alright with another 10-15 though and still be PLENTY happy with that! (Honestly anywhere between the goal above and this goal would make me so giddy with excitement and would be proof that I have broken through that plateau and can move forward.)
=== === === === === ===
Okay, now on to the fun stuff! ;)
So Friday went alright. I did not do my scheduled workout for 2 reasons. 1) I was running around like a chicken sans head. 2) I had a chiro appointment around 4pm. By Tuesday of last week I started to notice my hip/pelvic pain/soreness/stiffness had returned on my right side. I knew I needed to get in for another adjustment, so I scheduled an appointment and was in to see CC (Cute Chiro) by 4pm on Friday. He said it wasn't too bad and he was glad I chose to come in as soon as I started noticing the discomfort. He thinks by the end of this week things should feel a LOT better, but instructed me to ice after every workout this week. (I forget this way too much, so I need to stay on top of it this week!)
I did get the grocery shopping done and am better learning how to eat Paleo on a budget. My bill for groceries went down $50 this week without having to sacrifice my eating plan.
And this weekend, we got to try yet another new dish in my house.
Spaghetti Squash and Meatballs
I think this recipe is from PaleOMG.com. If you can't find it there, let me know and I'll try to track it down again (my notes are at home).
SO good! SO filling! The meatballs are a TAD too spicy for us, but we'll just lower the amount of red pepper flakes next time to 3/4 or 1/2 tsp and it should be just perfect. Even my VERY picky 10-year-old devoured this!
Saturday I took on one of the biggest challenges I've faced in a while. Three boys all under the age of 12. Hubs' aunt had a son later in life (she's not THAT old, she just had her son much later than Hubs' mom had him) so he fits right in with my boys. Logan is 12. JL (their 2nd cousin) is 11. Ethan is 10. Kinda funny how that works out! *lol* This cousin of theirs lives out in California - all the way across the country, but thankfully, they visit for about a week once every summer and all the boys have been able to grow up together. I think this was their best year yet as they're all learning to appreciate what little time they have to play and they've all developed very similar interests. Hubs' aunt kept hinting that she wouldn't mind a little time alone with her family and I knew she'd been picking up my boys all week to hang out with their cousin for the day (I was at work), so I offered to take Saturday.
I took all three boys to the Clay Center in Charleston, which is a small science museum. (Small for me...I grew up in Columbus with COSI! *lol*) There is a planitarium there, which is always fun, so we had a FULL day planned. We got to the Clay Center around 11am, got out tickets, and headed off to explore. We checked out every single area they had, watched a show on bears, and then watched the planitarium show on Jupiter (VERY interesting). After a long day there, we finally left around 3pm and I took the boys to the mall to eat at the food court and shop for something cool to take home. (They took out the museum's gift shop about 2 years ago...totally bummed the kids out to learn that...me too, actually!) It was a LONG day, but everyone got along great, I got to know my sorta cousin, and the boys all had a blast! (Logan slept on the way back and JL kept complaining to his mom later how tired he was *lol*)
Here are some highlights:
See?! I wouldn't have even chanced that 100 pounds ago. And good thing too because I'm sure I wouldn't have fit either. I raised myself almost all the way to the top of the pulley. Ethan said, "You've got those strong muscles, Mom! You can do this no problem!" *lol* They always have more faith in me than I have in myself.
This is JL. I learned he's a great kid with a wonderful sense of humor. ;)
All 3 boys in the Hurricane Simulator. I told them I already did that...a few weeks ago when that storm blew through and we lost power for almost a week. *lol*
Logan and I. I love that my 12 year old still randomly hugs me and is always willing to take a quick pic with me just for the fun of it.
All three kids actually working together on one goal! SHOCKING! *lol*
The old me wouldn't have even TRIED to squeeze all 4 of us in the photo booth. The new me said, "Let's do it!" and we did. *lol*
My absolute FAV pics from this weekend. Three great kids being silly.
Okay...maybe this one is my favorite. *lmao* Anyone who knows Jenna Marbles (YouTube) will understand this one. For everyone else...you won't laugh QUITE as hard, but it should still be good for a chuckle. I love my kids! :)
By the end of the day I was pooped! We rushed home and got our swim gear as Ethan's football team was set to have a pool party from 6-8pm. Too bad a storm was blowing past and none of the kids got to swim. *pouts*
We were home by 7:30pm and I vegged out for the rest of the night. T-I-R-E-D! *lol*
Sunday I worked with the Hubs, which ended up being boring for the most part, and then we went to a cookout at my MIL's house, which Hubs and I ended up leaving early because we were both exhausted.
So, yea...long weekend.
Did I get all my workouts in?
Do I hate myself for it?
I had to back off on the Rockin' Body because of the hip shaking. I have to be careful of things like Zumba and other dance routines when my alignment is out of whack.
As for my Sunday run? I swapped it out for about 5 hours walking around the Clay Center and the Mall chasing around 3 boys. I think that's a fair trade.
I'm going back at it again this week with the same goals, but with the understanding that I'm healing from my adjustment and may have to take it a little slower than full-speed-ahead.
I'm also going into it with hope for this weekend! My kids are being picked up by my mom on Thursday morning to go down to see my neices in SC. They will be gone Thursday through Monday, so the Hubs and I have a weekend to ourselves. It took us ALL WEEK to figure out what we wanted to do, but I think we've sorted out a couple fun, active, and romantic days Saturday and Sunday. That means my weekend workouts will have to adapt a little bit (in fact, like this weekend, it will probably include a lot of walking that I won't even log as exercise), and my eating plan will be a little more flexible to accommodate, but I'm not too worried. Next weigh-in is Friday, anyhow...so technically, all this will go to next week's account! *lol*
Still sticking to around 2400 calories daily average.
Still eating mostly Paleo. (I went off this for sure this weekend and PAID FOR IT! UGH!)
Monday - Laps & RB
Tuesday - C25k W2D1 (again) & RB
Wednesday - Laps & RB
Thursday - C25k W2D2 (again) & RB
Friday - RB
REMEMBER -- STRETCH AND ICE!!!!!!
* Sleep more
* Plan this weekend with flexibility in the plans
* Prep for a Friday shopping trip to ON
* Get some work done
* Relax and READ!
Thursday, July 12, 2012
It's time I made a confession to you all. I have no clue how to be "skinny" or "normal" or "fit" or "athletic".
Okay, that's not entirely true. I fully believe that what I'm doing now would easily classify to people as fit and athletic. Normal I will never be. *big grin* It's the skinny part I'm having problems with.
The other day I was surfing around some blogs and forums on another site (GASP! ;) ) and someone posted a thread wherein people were supposed to post former pictures of themselves at a "happy" weight, one which would inspire them to "get back into that shape again." I've heard a lot of people mention when they post things like this that at the time they weren't happy with their bodies and thought they were fat when they really weren't, but that looking back they realize that they'd give just about anything to be back there again knowing what they know now.
This forum post made me a little sad.
I can't relate.
I have no pictures for you of a happy, healthy, bouncy teenage me.
I have no former pictures of myself that inspire me to "get back to what I looked like then" or anything of the sort.
The best I can do is a happy 4-5 year old girl at her Aunt's wedding...as my world began to crumble around me. Even then I was starting to get a little "chubby," but that's the best I've got.
I was so proud to be the flower girl!
Ooh! Check that hair!! *lmao*
I totally got yelled at, by the way, for concentrating too much on the flowers and not looking up as I was walking. But, dude, it was SO important that the flowers were spaced properly! (I was totally OCD even back then! *lol*)
And here I am ignoring everything else and eating what looks like ice cream. Don't friggin' bother me when I'm eating my ice cream, yo!
Problem is, I can't share these in that forum. I can't say, "Yes! I want to get back to this!" What was I then? Like 90 pounds? 100? I have no friggin' clue, honestly. And I didn't rightly care either. And it doesn't matter, because I'm not going back to that. I was FIVE. FIVE! I can't live my adult life trying to get back to where I was when I was five!
But I don't have any other pictures of "happy weights" from my childhood.
I remember wearing a size 16 when I was in the 6th grade.
I remember heading toward a 22-24 when I was in high school. (Which, let's face it, with today's vanity sizing would easily be a 26-28.)
And when I got knocked up at 18 I really just stopped paying attention to weights and sizes altogether. I was done for.
(Ironically, I lost 45 pounds in the first two trimesters of pregnancy with my first child. *lmao* The docs thought there was something seriously wrong with me, and while my amniotic fluid levels were low, my baby and myself were happy and healthy and just fine. Only thing was he curbed my teenage eating habits. I no longer craved sweets. I wanted salad and vegetables and apples and other fruits! I was eating a ton, but losing weight because of the calorie difference -- hello! LIGHTBULB! *lmao*)
I closed the forum page and got a little sad about not being able to "play" or participate.
I have nothing to look back on to move me forward.
I have no wishes to go back in time and realize how good I had it then.
And then a slow smile crossed my face.
Damn good, actually!
I do not WANT to look back!
I want to look forward!
My Hubs always says we drive in the direction in which we're looking.
So I'm going to look straight ahead and DRIVE myself forward!
Because, the secret is, I get to build the body I want.
And when I get there, I won't have to compare myself now to myself then, because there will be no comparison. There will only be the body I didn't care about (back then) as I struggled to make it through life, and the body I fought for (then and NOW!) even through the struggles I faced.
I will admit to having asked my husband a time or two, "What's it like to be skinny?"
He looks at me strangely, but I've really always wondered.
I mean, for people like him who have had it all their lives without trying, they don't understand how to explain their lives to me...because they don't know any different.
And the only thing that got me on a path toward finding that for myself was the realization that when I get there, I will understand how precious it is to have a body that will do EXACTLY what you want it to do.
I'm not talking complicated things like being some Olympic or professional athlete.
Those people work their @sses of for that as well.
I'm talking about the simple things.
Putting on a pair of jeans while standing up.
Tying your shoes.
Crossing your legs.
Jogging across the road before the don't walk light stops blinking and you get smooshed.
Sitting "criss-cross applesauce".
Sitting for long periods of time without experiencing horrible bloating and swelling.
Walking around without people staring at your stomach (unless you're baring it in a midriff because you're just so ripped and you want people to be jealous).
It's time I stopped being scared of what's to come.
It's time I started working toward the body I want so I can finally know what it feels like.
You never know until you try, right?!
This week I can honestly say -
Even though TOM hit about 2 days ago and the bloating has been out of control.
And I fear the scale tomorrow because of it.
I'm noticing positive changes in my body.
First of all, this is the first time in probably my entire life that I recognized the bloat from TOM and my pants being tight and all that other jazz as TOM and nothing more. I didn't automatically jump to "UGH! I must be getting fat again!" There's no friggin' way I could be getting more fat with what I've been doing lately. (Did you know skinny people notice this just about ...uhm...every single month?! *lol*)
Second of all, I'm losing a couple rolls. Very, very slowly, my side rolls are deflating. It's a beautiful, magical thing...especially when your husband comes up behind you and puts his arms around your midsection and you get to feel just a TINY bit closer to him - literally.
Third of all, once again, my fat is starting to become alien to me. My mental fit girl has returned. Oft times I look in the mirror at my belly and think, "Oh, you're still there? I hadn't noticed." Not because I thought I was skinny, but because I was behaving as if it wasn't holding me back. I can decide to let these glimpses in the mirror make me sad, or I can decide that it's my mental fit girl busting out and not allowing my body to make excuses for my ability.
Last night I swam 400 yards without stopping.
And followed that with 200 yards.
And finished up with some shorter laps to end with a grand total of 900 yards for the night.
And I could've done more if not for that d-bag little boy in the pool who thought it was HILARIOUS to flop up and down on a kickboard in order to make waves and churn the water while squeeling, "WAVE POOL!!!" (I swear to God that someone must've been looking out for that kid by holding me back from drowning him...or at least smacking him upside the head a time or two.)
And while I opted out of my workout DVD (in the hopes that I might be able to run tonight if I gave my legs a break last night), I ate relatively well and stretched and gave myself a little rest and went to bed feeling mighty proud of myself.
So I'm going to try to stop being sad for the little girl that didn't know what it was like to be skinny.
It's a waste of my time and energy.
That energy and time would be much better served in the gym, building that body for her and for me, so we can finally know what it's like to work for something hard and long enough and finally accomplish it. So we can cross our legs and skip and do mountain climbers without a smacking belly sound. So we can dance without feeling self-conscious for our body jiggle and only for our lack of rhythm, technique, or general skill.
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