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*Grumble Grumble*

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Yesterday was not a good day.
I do not get any stars for my chart.
I attempted laps in the lap pool, but after 5 was kicked out due to thunder outside.
Instead of refocusing, I got annoyed and gave up for the day.
Damage is done...hopefully not too much.
Need to get back into my RB routines so I can continue to see my middle shrink.
The hardest part for me lately has been trying not to focus on how much I hate how my body looks right now.
Three more days of work.
Four more days of hard workouts before fun activities this weekend.
Gotta keep my focus or I'll go into this weekend with shame, regret, and guilt and won't be able to enjoy any of it.
Second hardest part is my ultimate fear of the scale.
After months of not moving at all, followed by three solid weeks of progress, I am still not down to the lowest I saw during my plateau and still fear I will yo-yo back up again.
305 is perhaps one of the scariest weights for me right now.
And fear can be paralyzing.
I have to learn how to break through and move forward now or I might never be able to.
I hate feeling scared and anxious.
And TOM is not helping me AT ALL.
I feel like I'm fighting to swim upstream through raging rapids.
(Note: With the depo, I go months without noticing anything, and then I'll get hit with one of those awful TOM that is slow and steady and painful for days or, sometimes, weeks. I'm hoping this one lets go after today.)

Fear of failure.
Fear of success.
Paralyzing fear.

But it is easier to end a week saying, "I did all that I could" than it is to end it in shame knowing I am the cause of my failures.
Let the weight sort itself out while I move forward.
Right? RIGHT?!


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LINDAJOYWK 7/18/2012 6:33AM

    Face the scale-as hard as it is,the longer you let it go-the harder it gets & the
easier it gets to be unaccountable(speaking personally).You can DO THIS!!!
Keep up all that good work! Keep venting if you need to,but keep going-I know
you can !!!

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SEEHOLZ 7/17/2012 1:43PM


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GUITARWOMAN 7/17/2012 11:52AM

    Yes! Yes! Yes! Let the scale take care of itself, and you take care of you!

Simple, no?


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ATROTTIER 7/17/2012 11:43AM

    Ughhh stupid TOM!! It always throws a wrench in it right??!! I hate complaining about it but it really affects everything, not only physically but emotional and mental well being as well - good for you on just moving forward and not dwelling on it - that's the hard part I think! Today is a new day and I hope you feel better!!!

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ARUNNINGKAT 7/17/2012 11:35AM

    Sorry about the bad day. You are doing so well and I know you will finish out this week with all that you have! emoticon

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ERIN1128 7/17/2012 11:22AM

    Hang in there, you can do this!

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MOVIEGRL1737 7/17/2012 10:28AM

    Keep working hard, eating well and the scale will fall into place eventually.
Remember, you're only one workout away from a good mood!

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FROGGERHKC 7/17/2012 10:27AM

    Sometimes you get a bad day where things just don't go how you hoped they would, it happens. Keep moving forward, you have a great plan. You've got this! I hope today is a better day for you dear!

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AWESOMEKATY 7/17/2012 9:29AM

    Keep going and you'll pass this rough patch! We all have times we feel like that and it's just important to focus on small victories!!

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SUGIRL06 7/17/2012 9:23AM

    Sorry to hear you had a crummy day! It happens. On to today!

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MUSOLF6 7/17/2012 8:50AM

    emoticon emoticon

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 7/17/2012 8:37AM

    First off you can't help mother nature... thunder = no swimming.
Secondly.... Three solid weeks of progress and TOM... something's working
Third... you have a great plan of attack for the rest of the week and you sound motivated and focused. That is a winning strategy!

Have a rocking week...

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NICHOLE_4 7/17/2012 8:23AM

    Stay positive even when you fall, you can do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Weekend Wrap-Up (with Pics!)

Monday, July 16, 2012

So, where did we leave off? Oh, right. My confessional that I don't know how to be "skinny"... I learned this weekend that I don't remember how to be THAT fat either, which was a very good lesson to learn. :) I've been floating between this same weight range for so long, which is frustrating to say the LEAST for my weightloss efforts, but which also means I've gotten accustomed, finally, to life at this weight. I know this is what my body is always trying to do when I get to these big plateaus, and I figured as much in the beginning. I just wish it hadn't taken me QUITE this long. *lol*

Still, would an almost 500 pound woman volunteer to take 3 boys, all under the age of 12, for an all-day adventure in the city ALONE? Uhm, no.

Would that same woman be able not only to walk around all day non-stop with those 3 boys, but be fit enough to actually participate in the fun?

So as frustrating as it may be to be 300 pounds still...I realized this weekend just how glad I am it's not still 400. (Took me long enough, right?!)

First, let's get this out of the way from Friday:

=== === === === === ===


Weight Last Week: 308.2
Weight This Week: 305.8

Loss of: 2.4 pounds!

Not too shabby! ;)

AND I lost about 1/2 a percentage of body fat again, though I'm struggling with the same percentage still because of some inconsistency in previous weeks.

As far as my challenges go:

Lose 5% -
The goal was to lose 5% in either body fat % OR weight by the end of July. I got off track there a bit, but that's okay. I can extend the deadline for this goal and keep working on that same 5%. I started off at 309.8 and 47.1%. Now with the body fat % I'm at about 47.3 right now, so no luck there. HOWEVER, with the weight I'm down to 305.8...a loss of 4 pounds. (Moving in the right direction! WOOT!) The goal of 5% would mean a loss of 15.5 pounds from that original number, so a goal weight of 294.3, so I still have 11.5 pounds to go to reach this goal.

Summer Accountability Challenge -
The goal is 285 by September 22. That means I need another 20 pounds in the next 10 weeks. That's tight, but still doable. I'd be alright with another 10-15 though and still be PLENTY happy with that! (Honestly anywhere between the goal above and this goal would make me so giddy with excitement and would be proof that I have broken through that plateau and can move forward.)

=== === === === === ===

Okay, now on to the fun stuff! ;)

So Friday went alright. I did not do my scheduled workout for 2 reasons. 1) I was running around like a chicken sans head. 2) I had a chiro appointment around 4pm. By Tuesday of last week I started to notice my hip/pelvic pain/soreness/stiffness had returned on my right side. I knew I needed to get in for another adjustment, so I scheduled an appointment and was in to see CC (Cute Chiro) by 4pm on Friday. He said it wasn't too bad and he was glad I chose to come in as soon as I started noticing the discomfort. He thinks by the end of this week things should feel a LOT better, but instructed me to ice after every workout this week. (I forget this way too much, so I need to stay on top of it this week!)

I did get the grocery shopping done and am better learning how to eat Paleo on a budget. My bill for groceries went down $50 this week without having to sacrifice my eating plan.

And this weekend, we got to try yet another new dish in my house.

Spaghetti Squash and Meatballs

I think this recipe is from If you can't find it there, let me know and I'll try to track it down again (my notes are at home).

SO good! SO filling! The meatballs are a TAD too spicy for us, but we'll just lower the amount of red pepper flakes next time to 3/4 or 1/2 tsp and it should be just perfect. Even my VERY picky 10-year-old devoured this!

Saturday I took on one of the biggest challenges I've faced in a while. Three boys all under the age of 12. Hubs' aunt had a son later in life (she's not THAT old, she just had her son much later than Hubs' mom had him) so he fits right in with my boys. Logan is 12. JL (their 2nd cousin) is 11. Ethan is 10. Kinda funny how that works out! *lol* This cousin of theirs lives out in California - all the way across the country, but thankfully, they visit for about a week once every summer and all the boys have been able to grow up together. I think this was their best year yet as they're all learning to appreciate what little time they have to play and they've all developed very similar interests. Hubs' aunt kept hinting that she wouldn't mind a little time alone with her family and I knew she'd been picking up my boys all week to hang out with their cousin for the day (I was at work), so I offered to take Saturday.

I took all three boys to the Clay Center in Charleston, which is a small science museum. (Small for me...I grew up in Columbus with COSI! *lol*) There is a planitarium there, which is always fun, so we had a FULL day planned. We got to the Clay Center around 11am, got out tickets, and headed off to explore. We checked out every single area they had, watched a show on bears, and then watched the planitarium show on Jupiter (VERY interesting). After a long day there, we finally left around 3pm and I took the boys to the mall to eat at the food court and shop for something cool to take home. (They took out the museum's gift shop about 2 years ago...totally bummed the kids out to learn too, actually!) It was a LONG day, but everyone got along great, I got to know my sorta cousin, and the boys all had a blast! (Logan slept on the way back and JL kept complaining to his mom later how tired he was *lol*)

Here are some highlights:

See?! I wouldn't have even chanced that 100 pounds ago. And good thing too because I'm sure I wouldn't have fit either. I raised myself almost all the way to the top of the pulley. Ethan said, "You've got those strong muscles, Mom! You can do this no problem!" *lol* They always have more faith in me than I have in myself.

This is JL. I learned he's a great kid with a wonderful sense of humor. ;)

All 3 boys in the Hurricane Simulator. I told them I already did that...a few weeks ago when that storm blew through and we lost power for almost a week. *lol*

Logan and I. I love that my 12 year old still randomly hugs me and is always willing to take a quick pic with me just for the fun of it.

All three kids actually working together on one goal! SHOCKING! *lol*

The old me wouldn't have even TRIED to squeeze all 4 of us in the photo booth. The new me said, "Let's do it!" and we did. *lol*

My absolute FAV pics from this weekend. Three great kids being silly.

Okay...maybe this one is my favorite. *lmao* Anyone who knows Jenna Marbles (YouTube) will understand this one. For everyone won't laugh QUITE as hard, but it should still be good for a chuckle. I love my kids! :)

By the end of the day I was pooped! We rushed home and got our swim gear as Ethan's football team was set to have a pool party from 6-8pm. Too bad a storm was blowing past and none of the kids got to swim. *pouts*

We were home by 7:30pm and I vegged out for the rest of the night. T-I-R-E-D! *lol*

Sunday I worked with the Hubs, which ended up being boring for the most part, and then we went to a cookout at my MIL's house, which Hubs and I ended up leaving early because we were both exhausted.

So, yea...long weekend.

Did I get all my workouts in?

Do I hate myself for it?

I had to back off on the Rockin' Body because of the hip shaking. I have to be careful of things like Zumba and other dance routines when my alignment is out of whack.

As for my Sunday run? I swapped it out for about 5 hours walking around the Clay Center and the Mall chasing around 3 boys. I think that's a fair trade.

I'm going back at it again this week with the same goals, but with the understanding that I'm healing from my adjustment and may have to take it a little slower than full-speed-ahead.

I'm also going into it with hope for this weekend! My kids are being picked up by my mom on Thursday morning to go down to see my neices in SC. They will be gone Thursday through Monday, so the Hubs and I have a weekend to ourselves. It took us ALL WEEK to figure out what we wanted to do, but I think we've sorted out a couple fun, active, and romantic days Saturday and Sunday. That means my weekend workouts will have to adapt a little bit (in fact, like this weekend, it will probably include a lot of walking that I won't even log as exercise), and my eating plan will be a little more flexible to accommodate, but I'm not too worried. Next weigh-in is Friday, technically, all this will go to next week's account! *lol*

emoticon Nutrition Goals
Still sticking to around 2400 calories daily average.
Still eating mostly Paleo. (I went off this for sure this weekend and PAID FOR IT! UGH!)

emoticon Workout Goals
Monday - Laps & RB
Tuesday - C25k W2D1 (again) & RB
Wednesday - Laps & RB
Thursday - C25k W2D2 (again) & RB
Friday - RB


emoticon Other Goals
* Sleep more
* Plan this weekend with flexibility in the plans
* Prep for a Friday shopping trip to ON
* Get some work done
* Relax and READ!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

4EVERADONEGIRL 7/17/2012 3:37PM

    You ROCK!!!

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SLFRISBEY 7/17/2012 10:38AM

    Thanks for the rec. I am trying to eat paleo myself but REALLY not very good at it so this should help. And COSI is amazing! I am planning to take my haf brtoher there this summer when I am back visiting the fam. Hope it is as awesome as I remember! :)

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RUSSELLORAMA 7/16/2012 11:05PM

    You are super strong! Glad you had such an amazing time with the boys.

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SUGIRL06 7/16/2012 8:59PM

    Sounds like you had a blast with the kids! Fitness next weekend ;)

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MUSOLF6 7/16/2012 8:48PM


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OFFDREA 7/16/2012 5:38PM

    Your attitude is just awesome!
Looks like a great weekend :)

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ATROTTIER 7/16/2012 5:21PM

    Your weekend sounds crazy busy but fun! I'm excited for your time alone this next weekend - have fun!!!!

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TARANITUP 7/16/2012 4:36PM

    Awesome day in the city! I dont think I'd be brave enough to take 3 boys out in the city alone at any weight :) Great update!

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 7/16/2012 4:27PM

    I love the fact that you and the hubs get some alone time, and that you caught the allignment issue early and will be able to enjoy the Adults Only Weekend!

I hear you on the cheating on the diet... pizza and pasta were not on my primal approved eating, but I can and will do better this week.

Love your workout goals, and can't wait to check out some of those paleo recipes!

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GUITARWOMAN 7/16/2012 1:25PM

    Great blog!

I love your balanced attitude and love of your family.

I remember museum and science centre trips like that....they were truly fab!


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CELLISTA1 7/16/2012 12:46PM

    Wow - I'm tired from just reading this! But it sounds like that day with the boys was really fun. It's clear that you are a great mom, and your 12-yr-old's hugs are the proof! Bravo!

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ERIN1128 7/16/2012 11:54AM

    You ROCK!

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IRONBLOSSOM 7/16/2012 11:38AM

    Sounds like a great time! Keep focused on the positive!

emoticon emoticon

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FROGGERHKC 7/16/2012 11:35AM

    Great job, and great pics!!! Keep up the good work! :)

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-POOKIE- 7/16/2012 10:15AM

    Looks so much fun!

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MAMADWARF 7/16/2012 9:52AM

    Sweet weekend! Love the pictures and I this k its awesome you are the FUN MOM now!

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Thursday, July 12, 2012

It's time I made a confession to you all. I have no clue how to be "skinny" or "normal" or "fit" or "athletic".

Okay, that's not entirely true. I fully believe that what I'm doing now would easily classify to people as fit and athletic. Normal I will never be. *big grin* It's the skinny part I'm having problems with.

The other day I was surfing around some blogs and forums on another site (GASP! ;) ) and someone posted a thread wherein people were supposed to post former pictures of themselves at a "happy" weight, one which would inspire them to "get back into that shape again." I've heard a lot of people mention when they post things like this that at the time they weren't happy with their bodies and thought they were fat when they really weren't, but that looking back they realize that they'd give just about anything to be back there again knowing what they know now.

This forum post made me a little sad.
I can't relate.
I have no pictures for you of a happy, healthy, bouncy teenage me.
I have no former pictures of myself that inspire me to "get back to what I looked like then" or anything of the sort.
The best I can do is a happy 4-5 year old girl at her Aunt's my world began to crumble around me. Even then I was starting to get a little "chubby," but that's the best I've got.

I was so proud to be the flower girl!

Ooh! Check that hair!! *lmao*

I totally got yelled at, by the way, for concentrating too much on the flowers and not looking up as I was walking. But, dude, it was SO important that the flowers were spaced properly! (I was totally OCD even back then! *lol*)

And here I am ignoring everything else and eating what looks like ice cream. Don't friggin' bother me when I'm eating my ice cream, yo!

Problem is, I can't share these in that forum. I can't say, "Yes! I want to get back to this!" What was I then? Like 90 pounds? 100? I have no friggin' clue, honestly. And I didn't rightly care either. And it doesn't matter, because I'm not going back to that. I was FIVE. FIVE! I can't live my adult life trying to get back to where I was when I was five!

But I don't have any other pictures of "happy weights" from my childhood.

I remember wearing a size 16 when I was in the 6th grade.
I remember heading toward a 22-24 when I was in high school. (Which, let's face it, with today's vanity sizing would easily be a 26-28.)
And when I got knocked up at 18 I really just stopped paying attention to weights and sizes altogether. I was done for.

(Ironically, I lost 45 pounds in the first two trimesters of pregnancy with my first child. *lmao* The docs thought there was something seriously wrong with me, and while my amniotic fluid levels were low, my baby and myself were happy and healthy and just fine. Only thing was he curbed my teenage eating habits. I no longer craved sweets. I wanted salad and vegetables and apples and other fruits! I was eating a ton, but losing weight because of the calorie difference -- hello! LIGHTBULB! *lmao*)

I closed the forum page and got a little sad about not being able to "play" or participate.
I have nothing to look back on to move me forward.
I have no wishes to go back in time and realize how good I had it then.

And then a slow smile crossed my face.

Damn good, actually!

I do not WANT to look back!
I want to look forward!
My Hubs always says we drive in the direction in which we're looking.
So I'm going to look straight ahead and DRIVE myself forward!

Because, the secret is, I get to build the body I want.
And when I get there, I won't have to compare myself now to myself then, because there will be no comparison. There will only be the body I didn't care about (back then) as I struggled to make it through life, and the body I fought for (then and NOW!) even through the struggles I faced.

I will admit to having asked my husband a time or two, "What's it like to be skinny?"
He looks at me strangely, but I've really always wondered.
I mean, for people like him who have had it all their lives without trying, they don't understand how to explain their lives to me...because they don't know any different.
And the only thing that got me on a path toward finding that for myself was the realization that when I get there, I will understand how precious it is to have a body that will do EXACTLY what you want it to do.

I'm not talking complicated things like being some Olympic or professional athlete.
Those people work their @sses of for that as well.

I'm talking about the simple things.
Sitting down.
Getting up.
Putting on a pair of jeans while standing up.
Tying your shoes.
Crossing your legs.
Jogging across the road before the don't walk light stops blinking and you get smooshed.
Sitting "criss-cross applesauce".
Sitting for long periods of time without experiencing horrible bloating and swelling.
Walking around without people staring at your stomach (unless you're baring it in a midriff because you're just so ripped and you want people to be jealous).

It's time I stopped being scared of what's to come.
It's time I started working toward the body I want so I can finally know what it feels like.
You never know until you try, right?!

This week I can honestly say -

Even though TOM hit about 2 days ago and the bloating has been out of control.
And I fear the scale tomorrow because of it.
I'm noticing positive changes in my body.

First of all, this is the first time in probably my entire life that I recognized the bloat from TOM and my pants being tight and all that other jazz as TOM and nothing more. I didn't automatically jump to "UGH! I must be getting fat again!" There's no friggin' way I could be getting more fat with what I've been doing lately. (Did you know skinny people notice this just about ...uhm...every single month?! *lol*)

Second of all, I'm losing a couple rolls. Very, very slowly, my side rolls are deflating. It's a beautiful, magical thing...especially when your husband comes up behind you and puts his arms around your midsection and you get to feel just a TINY bit closer to him - literally.

Third of all, once again, my fat is starting to become alien to me. My mental fit girl has returned. Oft times I look in the mirror at my belly and think, "Oh, you're still there? I hadn't noticed." Not because I thought I was skinny, but because I was behaving as if it wasn't holding me back. I can decide to let these glimpses in the mirror make me sad, or I can decide that it's my mental fit girl busting out and not allowing my body to make excuses for my ability.

Last night I swam 400 yards without stopping.
And followed that with 200 yards.
And finished up with some shorter laps to end with a grand total of 900 yards for the night.
And I could've done more if not for that d-bag little boy in the pool who thought it was HILARIOUS to flop up and down on a kickboard in order to make waves and churn the water while squeeling, "WAVE POOL!!!" (I swear to God that someone must've been looking out for that kid by holding me back from drowning him...or at least smacking him upside the head a time or two.)

And while I opted out of my workout DVD (in the hopes that I might be able to run tonight if I gave my legs a break last night), I ate relatively well and stretched and gave myself a little rest and went to bed feeling mighty proud of myself.

So I'm going to try to stop being sad for the little girl that didn't know what it was like to be skinny.
It's a waste of my time and energy.
That energy and time would be much better served in the gym, building that body for her and for me, so we can finally know what it's like to work for something hard and long enough and finally accomplish it. So we can cross our legs and skip and do mountain climbers without a smacking belly sound. So we can dance without feeling self-conscious for our body jiggle and only for our lack of rhythm, technique, or general skill.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CANNIE50 7/16/2012 2:46AM

    One of my pet peeves is when people say "I just want to get back to what/where I was." Life only moves forward, there is no reverse. Good for you for realizing that forward motion is the only option. I can tell you what it is like to be skinny, or at least what it was like for me to be skinny. It was easier to carry my body around, and easier to fit into clothes which made getting dressed simpler, and, quite frankly, more fun. However, as tiny as I was, once upon a time, I had lots of problems and I struggled with body image and relationships and betrayals and depression and being skinny was not the panacea it is made out to be. I am much stronger now that I am older and substantially heavier, than I was when I was young and thin. If I was given a magical choice - strong or thin? - I would choose strong. You are strong and getting stronger and that is better than starving yourself to some unrealistic ideal that does not naturally suit your body.

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SPUNKYDUCKY 7/15/2012 1:03PM

    This is probably my favorite of your many awesome blogs.
One way or another we are all moving forward, and every day we make choices that help define who we are. I have old pictures, but I don't want to be that person. I am interested in living in the now, and determining who I want to be in the future

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BAYBELIEVER 7/14/2012 11:52AM

    You are, as always, awesome! I love that you ask your husband what it is like to be skinny...AND your realization that he can't explain it to you because he doesn't know any differently. It still sometimes amazes me that even "weight loss" professionals don't get the full extent of the struggles truly overweight people have, like fitting into booths or crossing our legs to tie our shoes. Think of all that compassion we will have as we lose weight that others don't have for us. Sigh. Let's get moving! What a great week you have had!

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WALLAHALLA 7/12/2012 10:02PM

    Your attitude is inspiring!

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NEWSGIRL2177 7/12/2012 5:47PM

    Your third point, about your mental fit girl, was the most powerful thing I've read in a while. Awesome blog.

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MUSOLF6 7/12/2012 5:17PM

    Love that blog. Thank you for sharing. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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_RAMONA 7/12/2012 5:03PM

    Esther, I've been lurking around your blog for some time now... my heart aching for you, my head nidding in agreement, celebrating you strength, sass and determination...

Today I just want to say, AWESOME, awesome, awsesome blog!!!!!
I am so happy for you! As you've said, I think you are in a better position that anyone who has a photo (like me) to look back to. It boggles my mind that I thought that woman was 'fat'... that I couldn't love her the way she deserved to be loved. Had I been able to do that... I wonder... would I be here now?

THANK YOU for a moment to really celebrate... YOU, and me!

(and I LOVE your background picture)

{{{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}}}|

Comment edited on: 7/12/2012 5:03:48 PM

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 7/12/2012 4:45PM

    You are making it happen and I'm so glad that the mental fit girl has returned... she's gotta help on those long pool days. Maybe she saved that little kid from kickboard upside the head.... they're mostly foam so it wouldn't have hurt him that bad...

I need to get back to the pool. I'm always jealous after I read about your swims

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RUNNER12COM 7/12/2012 3:26PM

    What a powerful blog. I love that your eyes are fully focused on your best future self!

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LESLIESENIOR 7/12/2012 2:52PM

    Great Blog!!!! You are very wise at a very young age. Congratulations!
I started thinking about health, weight, and sobriety in my late 40's. I don't recommend it! But, we get it when we get it.
I treasure who I was and all that I've been through in life, because it makes me who I am now.

In my recovery I remember "not to regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it". The door is cracked open lest I forget how far I have come. I don't have regret or remorse. They are wasted emotions. My gratitude is overwhelming and daily.

It sounds like you are extremely self aware and action oriented. Congratulations on all you have accomplished..........not just with your weight and health, but with your beautiful family and husband.


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CHICAT63 7/12/2012 12:57PM

    What is skinny, very foreign to me since I have never been skinny. I was reading your blog and looking at the pictures; tears were started to fill my eyes because I too was that flower girl at 5, I was a size 18-20 for my high school graduation, etc ! No looking back always look forward, we may have stumbled along the way - fast forward to TODAY we seriously kick booty. Thank you for sharing this, you are an inspiration to me more than you'll ever know. emoticon

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ONCEUPONADREAM 7/12/2012 12:19PM

Loved this blog and loved the pictures!!!! :)

That's right you are kicking ass! Swimming is seriously hard business! That is awesome that you are able to go so far (and also that you didn't drown the lil dude. Hard to spark from prison).

You are a woman who is coming into her own. This one is just beginning. She's an ass kicker. An athlete. A fighter. She's not gonna stop when it gets hard, she's gonna push that much harder.

You rocketh.

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SASXONTHEMOVE 7/12/2012 12:10PM

    E, this is one of the reasons you are my superhero. I know I don't tell you that enough, but girl, look at this post! So many realizations!

And you're right, it's impossible for me to find a happier place in my past. Always the fat one-that was me. Still feel that way sometimes. But it's that 'fit girl' in our heads that helps drive us forward, eh? That challenge of making our bodies what we want it to be, rather than letting our young selves eat whatever we want, knowing we'll have tomorrow to fix it. Well, it's tomorrow, and yes, we are fixing it. In fact, we're not just fixing it, we're suping it up, pimpin' our bods, making the BETTER than they have ever been before. Look out world, here comes E. You are the amazing shrinking woman and I couldn't be prouder of all that you have accomplished to date, and know, just KNOW that you ain't even close to being finished yet! I can't wait to see what you do next!

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OFFDREA 7/12/2012 12:09PM

    "I do not WANT to look back!
I want to look forward! "

This is a wonderfully powerful statement, keep pushing forward!

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BECKYB73 7/12/2012 11:53AM

    G-D, Es, you're in my head!!! I've FINALLY reconnected with the part of me that was OK and comfortable in my skin...and remembering those days and times has put some additional wind in my sails and helped me be more confident in my action planning.

Well played, well played INDEED!

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EURODREAMER 7/12/2012 11:48AM

  Wow. Thank you. The only time I remember being "skinny" (and I do use quotes, because in reality I was probably just normal) was when I was 11 or 12. - right before my big ol hips bloomed or rather exploded. When I see pictures now, the first thing I notice is that I was normal. I wasn't active as a kid- or really even now, so I don't know that feeling of being fit. It's hard to visualize when you don't have a point of reference. I have always been frustrated with that concept. Thank you for this post.

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SUGIRL06 7/12/2012 11:38AM

You know, I never think back to "before" and "wish" or "regret" because its just not worth my energy. That is just how I am, I am always looking forward. I hate it when people post pictures of themselves from years before and wish they were there again. Stop wishing and start doing! Start moving forward. Looking back is not going to get you anywhere! And your body has probably changed since then so you're just setting yourself up for disappointment if it doesn't come out exactly the same (hello lady hips!). I am with you on this one!

And I get what you mean on feeling skinny. For me, it pops up during workouts when I can't bend a certain way because of my stomach or silly things like that. I know its not extreme for me but I still get that feeling like "I wonder what its like to be able to do this like a thinner/fitter person?"

I've been debating on doing a "looking back" blog because its nice to know people's histories. Did they always struggle with weight? Were they once fit? How were they raised? Things like that. So if I post old pictures, know that I don't wish to be there again;)

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MNGIRLIE 7/12/2012 11:35AM

    Great blog. I loved it! Looking forward is the important part. The picture I would have to go back to is in high school when I lost a little bit of weight. I wasn't healthy OR happy though. I'm much stronger and able than I was at that time.

Love your positive attitude here. emoticon cheers to looking to the future.

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4EVERADONEGIRL 7/12/2012 11:01AM

    I was a skinny child and I still can't explain what that means. BUT I also don't want to "return" to that person that I was. I didn't EARN that skinny. This time, I will be earning it!!!!

Awesome post, girl!!!

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MAMADWARF 7/12/2012 10:41AM

    I like looking forward too. I do t want to go back either. The future is ahead and we get to choose how we look and how we spend our time. Seems much more productive to me!

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FROGGERHKC 7/12/2012 10:32AM

    Great blog! You have a great attitude, and have been kicking butt girl! I have no doubt that you are going to get where you want to be! :)

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GUITARWOMAN 7/12/2012 10:27AM

    What a wonderful blog!

I too have nothing to look back on--I was sneaking food as early as I could walk and it went downhill from there. Gain and lose, gain and lose, until in my 50's I said enough, I won't attempt anything until I believed in myself enough to keep to it.

If I look back to anything, I look back to May 2009 when I was 212 pounds and could not keep my guitar in my lap without it sliding off and launching itself. Take a look at my page to see how a classical guitar is held.

From there my real journey started.

Am I upset it had to start when I was in my 60"s?


Have a good day!


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MAGPIE17 7/12/2012 10:19AM

    It's funny, E....I wouldn't want to be the person I was in high school either. I'm in better shape now than I was then. I had terrible eating habits (there was a year that I worked part time at a pizza place - I ate pizza for dinner four nights a week when I was working, AND I had a slice every day for lunch...facepalm.) and I never exercised. With age comes wisdom - and I was a bit of a dumbass when it came to healthy living!

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GETFIT2LIVE 7/12/2012 10:16AM

    Great blog, so glad I read it first thing this morning! I don't want the body I had as a teenager or an adult either--I might have been thinner, but I was in no way, shape or form fit. Let's keep looking ahead and working towards being the best us we can be, both now and in the future!

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KKINNEA 7/12/2012 9:54AM

    Simply fabulous and uplifting for my morning!

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SARAWALKS 7/12/2012 9:50AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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    I relate to the kid pics. My weight gain started when my parents got divorced at 8 and there's a pic of me at 12 that I show off my amazing gams but I thought I was so fat. I was a 7/8 in juniors...and I looked hot. I'd kill for those legs. But again, I was 12. (Never mind I was already 5' 8" by then) I've always had the "pooch" so that why I have no desire for a flat stomach. I don't feel like I'm "missing out" or have a body to get back into. I just want to be a toned, saggy version of my former self instead of looking like Violet about to be juiced by the oompa loompas.

Here's to looking forward! emoticon

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Get Out of My Head!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Last night I managed to get through my entire run, albeit with a tiny bit of hip soreness (need to get a chiro appointment STAT) and then did 1 of the two Rockin' Body routines I had planned. I knew there was no way I was making it through #2 after that run. I always forget how completely sore those can make me...especially in the beginning. After my workout, I immediately set to work on dinner.

Sausage and Cabbage "Noodles" with Fried Apples

Completely Paleo and probably one of the best things I've eaten in a LONG time. Hubs couldn't stop commenting on how amazing it was. This is going into our regular routine! Of course, I doubt my youngest would have eaten it (though he would have eaten the apples I'm sure), but we didn't have to worry about that last night as they went up to G'mas to visit their Great Aunt and Cousin who are in from California for a few days for their annual visit. I came back in the door from my run and heard, "Welp, the boys are gone for a bit." (Mentally, I said: "YAY!" because I knew Ethan couldn't spoil my dinner that way. Sad, I know, but that damn child is so picky and it hurts my feelings when he doesn't eat what I know is both yummy and healthy.)

I didn't eat Paleo all day though. I got hungry again after work (forgot to add tuna to my snack salad after lunch) and ended up with a McChicken sandwich. *face/palm* I know I need to start planning a bit better for these long shifts again, but it's going to be a moot point in a couple weeks. I was actually under on calories for the day, though.

Calories Consumed: 2270
Calories Burned: 747
Net Calories: 1523

That's actually getting dangerously low. The scale was down a bit from yesterday morning, but I have to admit I'm a bit nervous for weigh-in this week. Funny, but this time it's not from not following my plan, but from following it too perfectly and ended up on the lower end of my ranges.

Friday: About 2200 calories consumed, burned 653 = net of 1547
Saturday: About 2565 consumed, burned 440 = net of 2125
Sunday: Unknown
Monday: About 2596 consumed, burned 1292 = net of 1304
Tuesday: About 2270 consumed, burned 747 = net of 1523

What I have to keep reminding myself is that I came up with my range (2200-2700) based upon the assumption that I would workout 3-5 hours in the week. So far I've worked out for 254 minutes, or 4 hours and 14 minutes total. There is still tonight and tomorrow's workouts to contend with and I have scheduled another 115 minutes of Rockin' Body and another 60 minutes of other cardio (one swim and one run). That will put me over my assumption by 2 hours. My options are: (1) eat more to make up for the extra exercise, (2) back off the exercise a bit, or (3) just do it and stop thinking so much...and maybe end up with a loss, or maybe a gain, or maybe nothing on the scale on Friday. I have yet to decide what to do, but I know that the intensity of my workouts is going to fade a bit the next 2 days.

I'm beat. My body is sore. My hip is in discomfort, which I'm hoping the chiro will help with, but it means no run tomorrow. I still plan on getting out there and walking the full 30 minutes, but I know better than to run on it right now. My legs are out of sorts, and my shoulders are sore as well. Last week it was my abs screaming, but this week it's mostly my legs and shoulders. So swimming tonight is going to be more relaxed than ever. I'll put my 30 minutes in, and I can't promise I won't push myself a tiny bit, but I'm going to try to soak in the hot tub an extra 5 minutes at least after my swim. And I don't think I'll do more than one RB routine tonight as well. My body needs some rest, so I'm going to back off just a bit.

And as for the eating more thing? Doesn't help that I was late getting out the door again this AM and skipped breakfast...which I NEVER do. *sigh* I have oatmeal in my drawer, but I've been avoiding it. I may just take an early break and run over to Tudors for a Big Tator Platter. It's MOSTLY Paleo...if you don't count the potatoes. *lol* (It's scrambled eggs, bacon, and potatoes.) And I forgot to pack my lunch as well, but that can be solved with a trip to the market or to Tricky Fish for some Shrimp Tacos (which is what I really want today). I'll sort it out, I'm sure...but if there was ever a day to go a tiny bit off plan, I guess today would be that day. I'm just going to try not to go crazy.

So, plan for the rest of the week:

emoticon Stay on the higher ends of my range (around 2600-2700)
emoticon Turn Thursday's run into a walk
emoticon Back off the RB routines just a bit (tonight, I'll do Rock It Out and tomorrow I'll hit the Dance Groove routine)
emoticon Don't give up and stay focused
emoticon And STRETCH!!

That and call to see if the Chiro can fit me in on Friday.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGIRL06 7/11/2012 8:23PM

    You are doing great! Your body is probably just not ready for so much intense exercise. Even though we are doing the fitness challenge, I'm not trying for 2 hours of workouts each night because I know that's not where I'm at. Do what you can and eat some food woman! LoL!!

Seriously though on the food thing, I have been eating more intuitively. It is a lot easier on the Paleo diet. I'm not hungry all the time like I used to be! I am not 100% either as you know (I had shortbread cookies today!) but its close enough to keep me satiated. And when I work out more? I get hungry for more! Go figure, this is how it's supposed to work, right?

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SUSIEMT 7/11/2012 7:24PM

    Esther, you never cease to amaze me! Keep up the good work!

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MUSOLF6 7/11/2012 5:02PM

    emoticon emoticon

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LMB-ESQ 7/11/2012 1:06PM

    That recipe looks interesting. I'll have to try that. Not so sure about the apples though. Didn't know you were a paleo person! Cool!

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OFFDREA 7/11/2012 12:51PM

    That food looks amazing!!! I have bookmarked that recipe and will be trying it soon.
I hope your hip feels better.

I think I need to up my calories. I hover around 1500-1700 but I think with all this heavy lifting I should try more. I am going to work hard on that in the next couple of weeks and see if it makes a difference!

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BECKYB73 7/11/2012 12:20PM

    Few thoughts!

1. Your nails look freaking GORGEOUS!!

2. That dinner looks FABULOUS and I've printed out the recipe

3. You continue to inspire and amaze with your refusal to QUIT!

Good Day

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IRONBLOSSOM 7/11/2012 11:22AM

    You're doing so great! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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4EVERADONEGIRL 7/11/2012 10:58AM

    I love that even though you are pushing hard, you are also listening to what your body is saying and easing back or switching things up! Good job!!!! That is some model behavior right there, girlie! :-)

Keep it up!

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 7/11/2012 10:51AM

    Way to push yourself and listen to your body. Glad to hear that you are enjoying some of the paleo recipes that you have found. I'll have to check out those websites...

Rock on the rest of this week and enjoy some alone time with the HUBS!

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FROGGERHKC 7/11/2012 10:08AM

    Your dinner looked delish!!! Sorry about the hip soreness, hopefully the Chrio can help you! Way to go woman, you are doing so awesome! :)

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EGALITAIRE 7/11/2012 10:05AM

    Yep, listening to our bodies can be very valuable, and heath promoting. All the best on the menu/snack planning. Making sure I planned for contingencies was huge for me in staying on plan.

The sausage/cabbage sounds great - will try that next week.

Stay Strong

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Fan the Flames

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Today the scale was mean to me...and I know why.

Yesterday's workout:
about 24 minutes at the gym pool (about 504 yards)
followed by 3 Rockin' Body routines

Total calories burned for the day?
Around 1300


As for my food intake? Well...I wasn't exactly "good"...but I can't classify it as "bad" either.

Breakfast - Sausage McMuffin from McD's

Okay, so that wasn't all that good...but I was super late for work already and ...what can I say?

Snacks - 1 apple, 1 pear, 2 Lindor truffles, 1 20oz Sobe Water with Coconut Water thingy

*snort* I don't see the truffles as a real "bad" thing as long as I don't binge on them.

Lunch - a serving of delish Beef & Vegetable Chili from

Yum! Healthy leftovers! My favorite lunchtime treat!

Dinner - Subway 12" Cold Cut Combo with lots of lettuce, lots of pickles and some light mayo

Okay, so that's not exactly ideal...but that's exactly what I wanted...and I had the calories for it. I had just gotten out of the gym and was on my way home for another workout...the big one...the 85 minute one. I didn't see the point in starving myself only to go home and binge on cereal...which I know is what probably would've happened. So I got a subway sub and enjoyed every blasted bite.

Dinner 2 - 2 hot dogs on buns with ketchup and mustard

I honestly didn't believe I was still hungry yesterday when I got home...AFTER the sub...and BEFORE the final workout. But I was. So I ate. And then I sat on my butt for about 40 minutes before doing what I knew needed to be done.

Shaun T's Dance Party - 45 minutes - CHECK!
Booty Time - 40 minutes - making up for last week - CHECK!
Hardcore Abs - 10 minutes - CHECK!

I left my HRM running through breaks as I changed through the DVDs, so it totaled 87 minutes and 901 calories burned...more than 30% of them from fat.

All in all, I came out very ahead for the day.
And today? I feel a bit sore, but nothing like I had expected.
Of course, this will likely all hit tomorrow, which is fine for me because I have stuff to do tonight!

I WAS a little bummed at my poor performance at the pool last night, but that all melted away after my second workout. I was tired. My muscles were sore. I worked through discomfort that was NOT pain like I knew I could. I hydrated like a beast. And I came out a champion.

And I don't plan on repeating that kind of intensity in a workout for at least a few more weeks! *lol* I'm going to take it steady and slow for the rest of the week. I'm still going to do my scheduled workouts, but last night was supposed to be the "Come in like a lion" day of the week, so I can manage the rest just fine.

As for my runs? We shall see how my legs hold up. I'm scheduled to do my first week of week 2 C25k again tonight (I'm doing each week at least twice). My knees are a little wonky/stiff right now and my calves have been tightening up a bit. I stretched a lot last night and will again today, but I've already promised myself to complete the workout...even if I have to walk the entire thing. I can walk more than 2 miles without problems, so if the running is really too much, instead of giving up, I'm going to speed walk the rest...or just walk...or leisurely stroll...or crawl. Whatever I need to do to give myself the consistency I need right now. And I'll fight through the next RB routine tonight. It's nothing too bad...Party Express and Dance Groove. Dance Groove is a bit evil, but it's only 60 minutes tonight and I won't stop unless I collapse like I did last week. I proved to myself yesterday that I have more in me now. And that came only after the week I had last week, and my body telling me I had none left.

I'm using the momentum.
I refuse to back down.
Even if I go slow. Even if I take breaks. Even if I have to break up the routine into 5 minute increments with 5 minute breaks in between. I just need to show myself that I can get through it.

And all this I will do with the knowledge that tomorrow will be even better.
Laps again at the pool. I plan on sticking out the 30 minutes, even if I have to go slow or try a different stroke. Followed by only 45 minutes at home.

I know some of you are wondering why I push myself so hard.
You think I'm punishing myself.
But that's not it. Not at all.
To me, it's not about punishment - it's about accomplishment.
I'm not punishing my body...I'm letting it prove to me that it has more in it than I constantly give it credit for.
I'm showing myself that I can keep going even when it seems like it's hard.

Because too often in the past year or so, I've given up when it got hard.
I've backed down off the fight.
And that's just not who I am.

This is me being kind to myself.
I'm not telling myself that I have to be 100% all the time.
I'm going back to my rule that all I have to do is show up and stick it out for the time allotted.
And not for pounds on the scale or inches off the waist.
None of that matters each time I do it.
It's the pride I feel in completing something.
It's the pure sense of knowing that I can, when others have counted me out.

It may be foolish, but it's what's working for me.

Many times in this journey I've asked myself how I'm going to keep this up the rest of my life.
Because that's what I have to look forward to. This isn't some diet phase of my's something I have to learn to commit to for the long haul - until the grave finds me.
There's no use fretting over the blessings I didn't receive, the curses I feel have touched me.
No, I cannot eat whatever I want and maintain a slammin' physique.
No, I will never know what it's like to be a skinny teen.
But I have to go back to why I started this. So I could do whatever the hell I wanted to do without anyone telling me I couldn't because of my weight.
Sure, there may be other reasons to not do things, but my weight and fitness level will NOT be one of them. Not if I have anything to do with it.
And I do.

I have everything to do with it.
And I'm doing it.

So, yes, I'm pushing hard this week.
And, no, I can't see myself pushing this hard every week for the rest of my life.
But I CAN see myself having a few weeks of madness followed by a few months of calm reserve and quiet determination.
I have never been one who was known for standing still.
I must always be moving and changing - improving myself inside and out.
And my focus shifts probably too often for anyone to keep up with.

But I'm not going to fight that any longer.
I'm going to fight the notion in my head that says I have to be a different person to lose weight.

I'm a go hard or go home kinda girl.
And then sometimes I'm just a go home and hide kinda girl.
As long as I can keep the momentum going through both stages and learn how to manage both...both girls will come out alright.

Plan for dinner tonight is Sausage and Cabbage "Noodles" and Fried Apples from ...maybe.

Other upside I'm celebrating today?
My fruit bowl at home is nearly empty.
The other day Hubs asked, "Do we have anything sweet to munch on?"
I told him no. Then I caught him moments later munching on a peach.


And the fact that the apples are almost gone as well?
Just shows that him and the boys have been reaching in that bowl the past few days instead of into the cupboards for processed non-foodlike-garbage.

Don't worry - Hubs will be just fine.
I'm sure he's eating a Nutty Bar as we speak.
I left those things at his work.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RUSSELLORAMA 7/10/2012 9:57PM

    You are on fiyah!


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OFFDREA 7/10/2012 3:43PM

    Amazing job on those workouts!!!!!! Do not listen if anyone tells you that you are working to hard. They probably aren't working hard enough. If you don't challenge your body it won't change! Switching up your intensity keeps the body guessing! You are doing everything right!!!! And now I really want Subway.....

Comment edited on: 7/10/2012 3:44:42 PM

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MUSOLF6 7/10/2012 3:08PM

    emoticon emoticon

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EGALITAIRE 7/10/2012 2:50PM

    Wow you've really got it going on - you know what works for you, so keep the positive attitude and you will make your goals.

Stay Strong

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IRONBLOSSOM 7/10/2012 2:49PM

    Awesome! Love the "fanning of the flames!"

It's amazing to me how quickly motivation can accumulate and then dissipate. Even on an hour to hour basis I'm either motivated to do ALL the workouts, or put on my fat jammies and pop a metric ton of popcorn while I watch whatever's on tv...

Yesterday, the metric ton of food won out, today, ALL the workouts! :-) (Well, my running and core workouts anyway.)

Let's go do it to it!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GUITARWOMAN 7/10/2012 2:26PM

    Now THAT"S positive!

Good luck with your fitness goals!


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HEALTH-E-CLARE 7/10/2012 2:00PM

    "I hydrated like a beast. And I came out a champion.

It's the pride I feel in completing something.
It's the pure sense of knowing that I can, when others have counted me out. "


I love the workouts and the head space that you are in right now. You are totally a champion and winning at it.

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4EVERADONEGIRL 7/10/2012 1:46PM

    Keep fanning because your spark is turning into a wildfire girlfriend!!!! Keep it up!

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SUGIRL06 7/10/2012 1:46PM

    Can I please please have the chili recipe? Its making me hungry now that you've mentioned it in like 3 blogs! LOL
And I love this blog! You can do this! Use that momentum! My "momentum" is telling myself I have to work out every day, no excuses (but I always end up averaging 5 days a week). We can do this!

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