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Losing Weight - It's Not All Fun and Games and Happy Victories

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

*smacks self*

No, seriously. That's how I felt yesterday. I did great all day. I did my workout. I ate healthy fruits and vegs. Other than one small slip of not thinking, I didn't consume dairy OR grains (the soup was the slip up, but it was OH, SO GOOD!). And then I got home and *CRASH*! Just like last week, and the week before. *bangs head on desk*

No, seriously, this is getting out of hand.

I do know what caused it yesterday. Pure exhaustion. I just couldn't even think about cooking. My oldest waited all day to do the dishes and was in my way and I just didn't want to do...well, anything. So I ended up with pizza and breadsticks AND soda. *bangs head on desk* Which I ate/drank TOO MUCH of because I was exhausted and hungry. *bangs head on desk* And then managed to literally pass out on the couch. I think I fell asleep around 9pm and didn't wake up until 4:30am this morning. Hubs even remarked on how tired I must have been.

I need to read more of my book. Is this exhaustion part of the 2-week adjustment period or am I just doing something ELSE wrong?!


The only upside is that I did wake up at 4:30 this morning and I managed to get outside just as dawn was breaking to get in W1D1 of C25k. But I had stomach problems again. *sigh* Is it any wonder? Dairy, grains AND grease! And pop as well! What the hell was I thinking? And this morning I couldn't be bothered and had stupid creamer in my coffee.


I'm GOING to get a handle on this! I HAVE TO!
I don't know why I fall apart every day.

Okay, that's not true. I think I know why now. Or, at least, part of the reason why.

I'm terrified that getting "fit" or whatever type of skinny my body can achieve is going to make me miserable.

Let's face it, not all aspects of losing weight are good and happy and wonderful. My own chiro said that losing the 150+ pounds I've lost so far might be the main cause for my whole pelvic region and back being out of whack. Yes, you heard me right, the doctor said that LOSING WEIGHT has likely caused the problem. *sigh* Remember when it was because I was fat and NEEDED to lose weight that was causing the problems? Ahhhh...those were the days. (NOT!) *rolls eyes*

Other not so wonderful things I've gained from this journey?

- I'm more aware of my body.

Yeah, that sounds like a good thing, but not always. I was in ignorant bliss for a long time, and now that I'm noticing myself more, I see the flaws so easily now and I can't simply ignore them. I feel the actual fat separating from the muscle, which, yes, is a good thing, because it means less fat IN my muscles and organs, but it means that I feel the jiggle SO MUCH MORE in just day to day walking to the bathroom. Feeling the fat on you is not the most pleasant experience in the world, I promise. I may have been bigger before, but it was so big that it was less jiggle and more slow roll from side to side. And I know how off-putting and ridiculous this all sounds, but it's affecting my mental state and if anyone else out there is planning on losing 200 or more pounds, just know that this might be something you feel about halfway through.

- Excess skin.

I'm already noticing it more and more...and it's just downright sad. It just simply makes me sad. Because I'm 31 years old, and this is taking SO long that ...well, let's just say it, there's no hope for me to have a rockin' body without surgical assistance. This makes me sad more often than I ever admit. People wonder why I've been in such a hurry, but what they don't understand is that, in my head, the more time I'm fat, the less time I have to be skinny. The more time I'm fat, the more stretched my skin becomes and the less elasticity (is that the word?) I have to make things "bounce back". I guess I'm realizing now that it's not just about wanting to waste my life as a fat girl and not wanting to waste my entire 30s being fat, but because all the information we receive is, "The sooner you lose the weight, the better chance you'll have to have a "normal" body." But I'm realizing that it's all false hope anyhow. The damage is done...and whatever I have when I'm done with all of this, might be the biggest disappointment of my life.

Yes, I'm terrified that my husband won't like me when I'm skinny. When I have old, wrinkly, sagging skin like a 80 year old at the age of 35, or 40 or even 50...whenever my body and head decides to finally lose the rest of this weight. *taps foot impatiently* So while this plateau was simply a obstacle before, I think I've been setting up the roadblocks myself lately. Because I'm scared of what's to come. And I think I know what it will look like. And I don't know if I'd just rather be fat than be wrinkly and old prematurely. (And, yes, I know how awful all that sounds, but it's 100% true.)

- I've reached a progress stop point.

Not just on the scale, but there are yoga moves I want to improve but can't because of the huge stomach apron getting in between me and my legs (which are looking much nicer, calves are the only thing I have hope for in the future). I can't progress any further with my flexibility until I get rid of the actual physical obstacle in my way. And that pisses me off!

- I can see my thinner self.

This is another thing that's been taunting me for a while now...and I may have mentioned it before...but I can actually SEE my thinner self. I can see the form and shape of my would-be-normal body, but, again, that stupid stomach apron and the bubble butt are keeping me from a shape I would be more proud of...maybe.

- Calcium deposits.

When I was younger, I went to the doc to ask about a bump on the top of my foot. It's this soft little bump right on the top of my foot and it bugs the crap out of me because it makes my foot look weird. My doc at the time told me that it was nothing to worry about, it was just a little calcium deposit. Between that bump and the calcified ligament in my neck, I'd say my body has had issues processing calcium correctly in the past. No clue what causes that, but I sure wish it would stop. Since losing weight I've discovered two more calcium deposits on my body that were not noticable before because of the extra fat. One is on my inner thigh. Not too worried about that one as no one is likely to see it but me. It's just a slight annoyance to me that it's there, nothing more. (I know already that my thighs are a lost cause. I can see the hanging skin already and I'm already having nightmares of what the upper part of my legs are going to look like when all this is said and done.) But the other one? It's on MY FACE! My friggin' face, y'all. The one thing about me that, even when I weighed nearly 500 pounds, I was still okay with. The one part of me that no one ever had a problem with. But now, next to my lips in the spot where a cute dimple could be is a friggin' calcium deposit that makes me want to cry (and also makes me want to not smile or otherwise draw attention to it). It's like a big "HAHAHAHA!" with pointing from your middle school bully every time I look in the mirror now. I cannot even begin to describe how much this damn bump is messing with my head. I keep thinking, "Oh, so I'm losing weight so I can get UGLY?! Great!" *sarcasm*

These are the thoughts that are keeping me from losing the weight.
I know that. I really do.
I know I'm actually CHOSING not to lose weight.
I'm wasting my own time spending hours working out, only to stuff my mouth in order to not lose any more weight and have to face the consequences of a lifetime of being obese.

It sounds completely stupid, but I know it's 100% true.
When this plateau started, it was completely out of my control.
But in the past few weeks, at least through all of June, it's been my doing 100%.
I've adjusted my calories to restart my metabolism again and give it a break. And then when it was time to lower them back down just a smidge from maintenance? I couldn't do it. I didn't know if I wanted it any more. I mean, YES, I want to be skinnier. I want to fit into nice clothes and look and feel great about myself and my accomplishments. But what if losing this weight only makes me hate my body more?! And what if the people who love me exactly how I am now, don't like me any longer when I'm a slab of loose, baggy skin?! Because I won't likely have the money for any surgery to follow, and I don't have the best of luck with insurance companies.

I have a weigh-in tomorrow at the gym and I want to cry. Because I know I'm going to disappoint Tanner. I had been at least holding pretty steady with my weight, and my body fat % was going down so he knew I was still working, but my body wasn't cooperating scale-wise. But now? I'm going to have to face the failure *I* created this past month. We're going to see a huge spike on the scale and probably a spike in my body fat % as well. And he's going to ask me why and I'm going to have to say, "Because I'm scared to be skinny!"

Starting over again today. Going to try to make it right. Going to try to get through one night without falling apart completely. But I know that I need to change my mindset...I just don't know how. And I keep asking myself, "What worked before?" and, truth is, I don't really know. I've gone from vision collages to refusing to think about the future to just living in the moment to just getting through one workout to setting streaks to setting goals to a million other things. I've always been in constant motion but it's always been from side to side, never back and forth like it is right now.

I guess it's possible to be two people at once.
The scared fat girl and the determined athletic chick.
Who will win is yet to be seen.
I hope it's the athlete...

Why do I wake up each day and keep trying??

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGIRL06 6/27/2012 7:54PM

    First, did your tiredness come 3-4 hours after eating the soup? Because that is one of my main "Reactions". Serious tiredness. Like can't sit with my eyes open tiredness.

And it is hard to stay "motivated". For me, its a matter of determination. I just have to tell myself to shut up and do it. Its tough!

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PASKALINI 6/27/2012 2:16AM

    WOW. I can honestly say I obsess over whether or not I will have a bunch of skin left over as well. I stress about what the after math will look like and if I will need/want skin removal which I KNOW I won't be able to afford. I really hope your inner athlete wins because you deserve it! Is there nothing that can be done about the calcium deposit on your face? If a doctor knew how much mental anguish it was causing it might be classified as medically necessary to remove it? I don't know but it can't hurt to ask. I'm sure your husband and everyone will love you no matter what. Don't lose hope!

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KERLIN26 6/26/2012 11:26PM

  I bet you would be surprised to know how many people share your feelings on this. Sending lots of love your way.

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SARAWALKS 6/26/2012 8:18PM


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MELLYBEANS0919 6/26/2012 3:57PM

    "I guess it's possible to be two people at once.
The scared fat girl and the determined athletic chick.
Who will win is yet to be seen.
I hope it's the athlete... "

Profound thoughts...and that is me as well. Scared to succeed, and scared to fail.

I am sorry you are feeling that way, you wrote very honestly which I really appreciate... emoticon

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ERIN1128 6/26/2012 3:34PM

    Hey, you somehow dropped off my blog subscriptions! I was wondering why you hadn't posted in so long. :-) Glad the swimming is going well. Sorry you're struggling - I feel like you have the same issue I do, of being able to work hard and be disciplined on the exercise side, but not enough willpower on the eating side. I love the quote at the end of your blog - let's remember it!

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NEWSGIRL2177 6/26/2012 1:52PM

    I get in my own way all the time, so this really resonated with me. You sound so determined that I really believe you'll get over the hurdles. Look how far you've come already! Rock on, sister.

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CAKEMAKERMOM 6/26/2012 11:37AM

    The last time I started to lose weight, my heart just wasn't in it. I had some "what if's" going on, like what if I lose the weight and then the skin sags.

Well, I'd rather have a little flabby skin than hold onto the weight that was causing knee and back problems.

You'll never know what if if you never get there to see. Work on seeing one beautiful thing today and add a second tomorrow, eventually you'll see more beauty than flaws. It doesn't matter what you weigh, it's a matter of seeing you for who you are at the time.

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SLFRISBEY 6/26/2012 11:36AM

    Oh my, I know where you are. I am scared of giving up the weight myself. I worry that I somehow won't be myself if I miraculously make it down to a size 8 or that I will somehow change too much, which is such a strange irrational fear. I don't really know how to combat it and stop sabotaging myself. I also blogged about this recently but still haven't figured out how to fix it and move past it. If you find the answer, can you share it with me? :) (((hugs)))

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NINJA_SMOO 6/26/2012 11:15AM

  Thank you for this blog. I found it so... resonating. I often have many of the same thoughts.

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MAMADWARF 6/26/2012 11:08AM

    I used to be afraid to lose weight and be more attractive, not to my husband, but to other men. I used to joke that god made me fat so I wouldn't be a HO.

I have always had a flirtatious personality but being fat kept it in the safe range.

I didn't realize that until I started on spark.

I can handle it now. So can you. Keep your eyes on the prize, your health and strength.
Btw, I appreciate your honesty.

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4EVERADONEGIRL 6/26/2012 10:26AM

    This really touches on a cord here...I think so often we hear about the happy foo-foo-la-la of losing weight...but rarely do we ever hear the "ugly truth" of it. It is SO FREAKING MENTAL...this weight loss game. And yes, it is a "game". You have hit on it perfectly. Thank you for your blistering honesty with yourself. I think I'm at the same place as you in a lot of ways. It's time for me to let the athlete win too!!

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GUITARWOMAN 6/26/2012 9:48AM

    Oh my.

First let me say it is great that you wrote this bog. Not all of us are capable of this kind of introspection and it can be a great beginning to behavior change.

A few things I learned from my wellness journey. Being in your normal BMI does not equal happiness. All your problems, be they work, family, finance, or anything else related, are still there! Who would have thunk it! And you can't even use food to sooth yourself emotionally any more! Yikes! So every day it is a journey, and while maintaining you go up a little and down a little--right now, I have to shed 7 pounds to get where I want to be.

Now, about excess skin. I have gained and lost weight forever, but did not start on this so-far-successful journey until May 2009. I will be 64 in less than a month. My calves are good, as is my upper body, but upper arms and midsection, from waist to knees, oh boy.

I have found that weights help the upper arms, and hooping has helped my waist.

But, even as I become a senior, I would love to tuck my tummy! I asked my foot surgeon if he did tummy tucks on the side, he looked at me as if I were insane (sigh) and I woke up with a repaired foot but no tummy tuck.

I think that folks who have lost more than I have do need surgical intervention with the skin.

Now, finding things wrong with you because you lost weight. Happened to me, including a rather upsetting breast cancer scare. Turned out to be a calcium deposit, but having those in your breast is not good!

And, during my loss, because of losing fat that produces hormones, I had a recurrence of menopausal hot flashes. Delightful.

I send you my best wishes to you on your journey. One day at a time. If you have a moment you might also want to read my review of a book on Positive Psychology on my blog page. Interesting stuff.


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BAYBELIEVER 6/26/2012 9:45AM

    I know exactly how you feel. I am coming to terms with the fact that I have done this to me. A plateau can be a plateau, but now everytime I lose 10 pounds, I immediately gain it back and I really think that it has to do with me being uncertain of a thinner future. When I have spent the last 20 years asking for tables not booths, avoiding theaters, not fitting in with others, what happens when all that changes? Who am I then? It's kind of scarey. And I am working through it. And I actually emailed someone yesterday and told them I was just coming to terms with the fact that I may be the only 800 pound person who lifts weights 3 times a week and walks 3 miles. But, I am not giving up on me athletically, and I am going to figure out the food thing...dammit!

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MY9STONEJOURNEY 6/26/2012 9:44AM

    I thank you for sharing this!! I love your honesty!! Alot of your thoughts and fears are share by so many!! I know me for sure. So here is to us shaking this funk that we are in and to a AWESOME week ahead!!!

You have done an amazing job! Despite the road blocks and set backs YOU ROCK!!!!

emoticon Steph

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MIZCATHI 6/26/2012 9:31AM

    Our effort to correct what is wrong is a struggle, and there are always many variables in the equation. What were the factors that contributed to the weight gain vs how to change those factors.

At 31 you are in a hurry, that is natural, but when you are my age (58), you look back and see all the time you wasted with excuses and worry.

I'm not saying you are making excuses, because clearly you are staring down at your health and all of your fears and working through them. At 31 I had a million excuses and a thousand tomorrows. I tried, yes, but not hard enough. I wasn't willing to put in the work for long, and now I am paying the piper.

You may have done some damage to your skin, but certainly not to the extent that you will if the weight stays on for another 25 years. Maybe you'll want or need surgery, maybe you won't. However, you will reap the rewards of getting that poison off your body now rather than stewing about the whys and why nots.

The people that love the core you will still love you. The only things that will change as you get closer to your goal self are the traits like determination and your ability to love yourself. You will be forced to accomplish more than you can while you are overweight, and then the real work will begin.

You are a lovely girl. Celebrate who you are now by taking care of yourself and giving yourself positive messages. You may save yourself a lot of heartache down the road.


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ACCT1908 6/26/2012 9:28AM

    I totally get how you are feeling. i feel like I have permanently ruined my body. yes the weight is going...but the aftermath is not pretty.

I look at some people's pix and think wow look how their body bounced back. Mine not so much. But still I'll take it over the weight any day.

If that means no bikini's ever, so be it. Guess it's just a consequence of obesity.

I hope you find peace in your journey soon.

Comment edited on: 6/26/2012 9:28:53 AM

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CHARMED34 6/26/2012 9:20AM

    Because the possibilities are endless, losing weight is terrifying to me as well. I don't know that I am in a position to give any advise, but your honesty is amazing. Your self reflection is what will see you through this time. So much of losing weight for me has been dealing with the things in my mind. Try not to focus on the end result when the fear comes upon you, but on the smaller everyday things that losing weight is helping you to accomplish. emoticon

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HEALTHYASHLEY 6/26/2012 9:15AM

    I am going through so much of these same things. I feel like it is shallow to want to be hot for one time in my life but I am 99% sure I am going to need some type of skin surgery and even then will I look normal? I don't expect to be a bikini model but it would be nice to wear a dress and not feel self conscious. To look in a mirror and be happy at a weight.

You are inspirational and I know you can break this funk. It does suck to feel jiggly but it is better than barely fitting into chairs like I once was. Keep it up.

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Just Another Manic Monday

Monday, June 25, 2012

I'm exhuasted today! Good thing I already got my workout in for the day!

Today's schedule called for laps in the pool, and I got started bright and early at 6:30am. I love swimming in the morning because there's usually not anyone else there to churn the water and make it difficult for me to swim. Halfway through my laps today another girl showed up, but she was a smooth and silent swimmer, so that worked out well. It wasn't until late in the game that another guy showed up with all the same vigor I had for freestyle.

I've moved on to week 2 of the 0 to 1650 program.
For those that don't know, it's a 6-week program designed to have you swimming a mile if you swim 3 times a week. Now I usually only get in 2 swims a week (though that might be changing soon), so it's going to take me a bit longer than 6 weeks, but that's okay by me. I did start to get another one of my pounding monster headaches in the beginning, but I realized it was just lack of oxygen from the push from week 1 to week 2, so I adjusted accordingly (did a few of my laps without using my legs, which helps the body cool down as the quads aren't stealing all your oxygen for kicking).

Today's swim:
200 yards straight
4 x 100 (=400)
2 x 60 (=120)
2 x 40 (=80)
1 x 40
3 x 20 (=60)

I have to adjust for my pool size. The plan calls for 4x50 (which = 200 yards) and 4x25 (which = 100 yards), so I have to adjust it slightly to get the right bang for my buck and still get the yardage I need for the day. Add everything up and you've got 900 yards for this AM, done in about 35 minutes. I did 2 warm up laps (40) and one cool down lap (20) and then some stretching before and after. Felt pretty good. I'm glad I was able to calm down the headache. It's the jump from 100 yards to 200 that just about kills me, but I'm hoping my body adjusts soon and it won't be a problem for long.

Also on course for today has been trying to eat more Paleo-like. I've been having stomach problems for, well, my whole life. I thought eating better (more clean and nutritious and healthy foods) would cause these problems to go away, but they haven't. Even Hubs remarks that he doesn't understand how someone so "healthy" can have so many stomach problems. The two most likely culprits are either grains or dairy. Dairy is the most likely thing I can imagine since both my mother and my son are lactose resistant. I've made no excuses for my love of cheese and other dairy products (I swear I'm like an addict!) so it's been hard to think about not eating dairy any longer, but if it helps my stomach feel better, I'm willing to give up a few things 98% of the time so I can enjoy a 98% stomach-pain-free life!

Note I didn't say 100%. Just the thought of giving dairy (and grains!) up 100% makes me want to eat every slice of bread and cheese in my house until I barf. Which only goes to show that I have a very unhealthy relationship with both. Let's just say yesterday didn't go well as I somehow adopted a "last meal" mentality and landed myself with the most awful stomach ache on record! UGH!

So this morning, I drank a few sips of coffee with soy milk before thinking, "Uhm, no..this isn't how I'm going to start this!" So I poured myself a cup of black coffee, pushed the bagels and cream cheese aside and opted for a 3-egg omelet with mushrooms, and then headed out the door. I just got back from my lunch break where I scoured the market for fresh fruits and veggies and finally located a wonderful salad w/o cheese. And then got back and realized the stuffed pepper soup I got (and adore) has rice in it. D'oh! Well, progress, not perfection, right?! Still going full-speed-ahead on the non-dairy front.

The result thus far? My stomach doesn't hurt right now. Of course, it comes and goes so we shall see, but it's a start. The downside? I basically passed out at my desk after my workout for a few minutes. I was so utterly exhausted it was impossible for me to keep my eyes open. This could mean a few things:

1) I kicked @$$ at my swim today and really worked hard.
2) I didn't properly refuel following my swim.
3) I'm in the 2-week adjustment period for this change, and it's just going to be like that for a bit.
4) I'm just friggin' TIRED because I DID stay up late last night and woke up super early this morning.

The good news is that I can adjust for all of that. Well, except for #1 because being kick@$$ in the gym isn't a bad thing...the other 3 are what need some work.

1) HA!
2) I need to have some form of fruit or something following my swim. I'll try to stick an apple in my gym bag for tomorrow and see if that helps.
3) In 2 weeks it will be over, I hope!
4) Get more stupid sleep! DUH!

So far...
* I didn't really miss my creamer in my coffee. Shock of shocks for me!
* I'm going ahead and eating the soup, even with the rice, but I'm putting the crackers AWAY!
* I have apples, peaches, a salad with almonds, and some sliced fruit (pineapples, apples, oranges, grapes, blackberries) in a fruit cup to get me through the day.

For dinner I know I have some grilled chicken at home. It has a tiny bit of BBQ sauce on it, but I'm just going to have to deal with that for now. Can't let it go to waste! As for veggies? I hate to say it but my fridge is bare of those. I MIGHT have some salad mix, but that's about it. I need to shop for peppers and zucchini and squash because I have got to find a way to fill out my diet if I'm not going to be eating many grains anymore (if at all). I'll likely have to stop off at the grocery store on my way home, but I'll deal with it.

I need to find:
* A LOT more ideas for veggies! I'm going to give roasted Brussells sprouts a try again. I've got the roasted asparagus (NOM!) down, and I do a mean roasted parm zucchini (will have to leave off the parm now and find some good spices to add in there). Other than that? I've been a white potato girl my whole life and it's harder than hell to accept that those things aren't good for me and need to be an exception, not a rule. This is where I have stalled in my clean eating ventures EVERY SINGLE TIME. I can only eat so much salad!
* I also need to get some more spinach and frozen fruit, as I plan on adding a smoothie into my morning routine. I got some coconut water earlier so I can sub that in for the milk I used to add to it. We'll see how that works out.

If you have ideas for me, leave 'em! Otherwise, I had best get back to work! Lots of website updating to do and some cases to work on either opening or closing! Have a good Monday!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGIRL06 6/27/2012 7:48PM

    Oh where to start...
1. Did I tell you I bought a bathing suit and am thinking about joining the school gym that has a pool?! I could use that program you are following...
2. It took me a while to get the hang of Paleo too. I would be like "oh crap this has got some-not-allowed-food in it!" and I would eat it anyway because starvation sucks.
3. It usually takes 3-4 hours for my digestive system to react to a "bad" food.
4. You said coffee. I want coffee...
5. Get some veggies girl!!!


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MUSOLF6 6/25/2012 7:34PM


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BAYBELIEVER 6/25/2012 2:12PM

    Sounds like a great way to start off your week! Let's rock this! July is coming!

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 6/25/2012 1:39PM

    Nicely done on your swim. Hopefully the tired will go away shortly, but deserved after your amazing swim. Do you take a multivitamin in the monring, it might help with energy later in the day?

If you're grilling aspargus, go ahead and grill some pine apple too.

Kabobs are always fun and can throw on tomatoes, onions, peppers, pinapple and protiens.

I'm also a big fan of steamed artichokes, but depending on the season, those can get expensive (currently 2 for $4 at my Krogers) but I like food that takes a while to eat, since I won't eat past being full.

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GUITARWOMAN 6/25/2012 12:30PM


I too have a lot of stomach problems, after many years and painful tests, I was diagnosed with Irritable bowel syndrome...thank goodness it is nothing worse.

I have found that losing weight allowed me to get off Imodium and generally I feel better. But some days...boy or boy. There is an emotional element here as well. My feelings are expressed in my stomach for sure.

Have you been tested for food intolerances? Might make it easier to manage your diet.

One thing, do you chew sugarless gum? The sorbitol in it can set me off. And although I love sugarless candies (Baskin and Robins chocolate mint, yum) they do not love me and I have to stay away from them.


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It's a Miracle!

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Hey! Look at that! I'm logging in on a Saturday! Cool, right?! I made a comment on my girl Ang's blog that part of my focus problem might be my avoidance of Spark on the here I am. Not avoiding.

Yesterday? Not such a great day. Overate and not overly happy about it. BUT...and that's a big butt! *snort*...I can still make this work. If I can drop my cals for the next few days I can still make my weekly goal of a 2400 average. I just have to be proactive. I have to consider yesterday a high calorie day and move on and make the rest of the days work for me.

As for my workout? Last night was not good. Not sure what was up with me but my body just wasn't feeling it. Did 480 yards in about 16 minutes and then got a nasty headache and had to stop. Causes? I'm thinking it's either 1) I didn't properly fuel my workout and/or 2) I was a bit dehydrated and/or 3) my stamina has dropped a bit. Either way, I did go to the gym and got in the pool and gave it a go. And I did swim 200 yards without stopping, and then did 2 x 100 before the problems kicked in. Gotta just keep moving on.

It's Mommy & Me Day with Ethan (my 10-year-old). It's a day when I take one child out by himself and hang out with him - usually it involves a bit of shopping and some lunch somewhere. Now I know Ethan wants to go to Quaker Steak & Lube, but I have to figure out how to talk him out of it. 1) They don't put any of their nutritional information online on their website, which always makes me nervous. I mean, what do they have to hide? I stopped going to TGI Friday's because they were being jerks about putting their calorie counts online. 2) I don't think they have much of anything that could be considered healthy. I looked at some of their "healthy" fare and it seems we're looking at 500-600 calories easily for not much food and a CRAPTON of sodium (we're talking 1500mg per dish). to convince a 10-year-old that we should go somewhere Mommy can "afford"??

Problem #2 for the day? I want to go out and try a walk/run...but I'm nervous. Scared, actually. And I have no clue why. I guess I'm just afraid to get back out there. I remember I used to be nervous every Saturday before a run, so it's not necessarily a new thing, but it's been a while since I've forced myself to simply get dressed and get out there. I need to spend the next 10 minutes or so getting my head back in the game and convincing myself that it's not a negative thing even if I have to walk the whole time. I have to convince myself to just get out there and do 10 or 15 minutes if that's all I've got in me. Because I want my running legs back under me. I ordered new shoes yesterday (finally!) so I need to have a reason to use them. Honestly, I was avoiding getting them because it gave me the perfect excuse not to try...but I've eliminated that excuse and in about a week they're going to show up at my doorstep. Do I want to cry in shame when they get here or do I want to be excited for the miles they could bring me? Gotta get my head back into it.

Gotta stop thinking it's not worth it.
Gotta stop thinking I can't do it.
Gotta get my mojo back.
Gotta rebuild my hope and restart my goals.
Gotta remember what it was 2 years ago that made me finally decide to get off my butt and try, without any expectations and simply with the thought that I could try and it wouldn't hurt anything to make some positive strides.
Gotta stop putting so much pressure on myself.
And I have GOT to stop hating myself.

One step at a time.
I have to remember that.
I started this with baby steps.
I started this with praising myself for those little steps, not telling myself they were too little to count.
I need to make a fresh start and stop being so scared of failing that I don't even try.

I'm still scared...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGIRL06 6/27/2012 7:41PM

    You can do this!!! Run run! (Slowly at first) And my weekends totally suck too. I've been getting better at logging into MFP at least. And I don't bother blogging on the weekend because no one reads 'em anyway! LoL

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MUSOLF6 6/23/2012 1:33PM

    emoticon emoticon

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    Glad to see you here on a weekend! Those are my toughest days too. You are doing great, tell those voices hush and drown it out with some loud music as you run/walk. emoticon

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VICKYMARIEC 6/23/2012 11:08AM

    Awwww sweetie you've got this! You need to shut that evil voice out and remember all that you've already accomplished.

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MANLEYSANDY 6/23/2012 10:32AM

    One step at a time!!!

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Shake Your Grove Thing

Friday, June 22, 2012

So, I took a week off. Okay, let's be honest, it was more like 2 weeks off. I didn't care what I ate. I binged a few times just out of spite for this sh!tty process. I hated everything about everything. I hurt a lot, and healed a lot, and still felt like I was hurting. I got sidetracked and sideswiped and everything else that happens when you're standing on the side of the road pouting like a 5 year old child because life simply isn't "fair"...whatever that means.

Now I certainly hope I got that out of my system, because I have things to do here, and I've never been known to waste time.

And my 5-year-old tantrum certainly cost me. Weighed in this morning at 314.4 pounds. YIKES! I could chalk that up to traveling and blargity-blargh-blargh, but the truth of the matter is, I wasn't doing what I could to make the number go down and, in fact, was doing a lot of the things that cause it to go up. The only bright side of this whole thing? For the first time in about 6 months the scale moved in exactly the way I expected it to. Sad, right?! Let's not dwell on that.

Last night I ditched the gym, but did honestly have a good reason. About 10 minutes before I was set to leave work the clouds let out the most impressive downpour I think I've ever seen. The sewers and storm drains simply couldn't keep up and it started flooding the streets almost immediately. I got soaked on the way to my car, but still began my drive in the direction of my gym...until I realized that I could be one of those stupid people on TV that tries to drive through a puddle she should NOT be driving through and her car stalls out and she's stuck. Not me. Not my pretty car. The puddle won. I turned around and rushed home to escape the downpour and flooded streets. Rain happens.

And what did I do with my time? Well, after totally binging on cheese and crackers, I had a tiny spat with the Hubs and went back to my bedroom around 8pm and fell asleep. Thank goodness I woke up this morning at 6:10 am because I didn't set my alarm. I hadn't expected to sleep through the night but...10 hours later...

So, let's hope I slept my silliness off, because there's still work to do.
My honest to goodness hope is that the past few weeks of eating at or over my maintenance calorie levels has given my metabolism a much needed rest from the restrictions of the past 2 years. Maybe now I'll actually get somewhere when I try to move forward instead of pushing against a brick wall. A girl can hope, right?!

Weigh-In today: 314.4
Calorie goals for the week: 2400 a day average
Workouts this week:

Friday - Swimming laps
Saturday - Rest
Sunday - Rest
Monday - Laps
Tuesday - Run
Wednesday - Laps
Thursday - Run

Calorie burn should be around 2k, I think.

Weight Goal for next Friday: 312.7 (-1.7 pounds)

I've already planned my July and August challenges. July is going to be about getting myself back in my own grove. Running and swimming trying to get to the 1 mile straight goal in each. It's going to involve cardio at least 4 days a week and at least 2 days of ST. I'll need to get together a ST plan, but I don't think that will be a problem for me. August will be a challenge month. Ethan and I have already vowed to try to set aside some time for 30DS and I think August might be just the month to do it. Of course, I'm not sure how much he'll be able to do on top of his football schedule, but he can at least keep me on task.

Now all of my workouts I have planned revolve around my current 4 day work week. I have to keep in mind that this is probably going to change. Ethan is starting football soon and with Hubs working full-time now, I'm going to probably have to be the one to get him to his practices and such. That will mean trying to work out a new schedule with my boss which will have me here Monday through Friday from 8am to 4pm. It will mean more early morning workouts if I want to get things done on nights when he has practice OR it will mean runs through town while he's out on the field (I did this last's actually a great time for the parents to go get a workout in and several of us do it). So, yeah, there are probably going to have to be tweaks, but for the most part I think I can manage this schedule throughout.

Swimming 2-3 times per week.
Running 2-3 times per week.
ST at least 2 times per week.

It's totally doable.
Let's hope my scale agrees with my methods.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGIRL06 6/27/2012 7:38PM

    Sounds like you are worn out, I hope you are feeling better!!!

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GUITARWOMAN 6/22/2012 3:56PM

    When I was on WW, one of the members had this mantra that I so believe in...

"Own it, track it, and move on." It has helped me more than once for sure.

Sounds like you are in the right headspace and are moving in the right direction.

Good for you!


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BAYBELIEVER 6/22/2012 2:56PM

    Welcome back! And that 10 hours must have done you some good, you sound so much more like yourself in this blog!!

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MUSOLF6 6/22/2012 2:38PM


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KKINNEA 6/22/2012 11:39AM

    It's good to catch back up with you! I can't even imaging a mile of swimming - I'll be following along to see how it goes.

I love the plan of running while the football practices are going on - you can mix up your scenery.

Hope you're having a great day!

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DC Recap

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Finally back after a week and a half. I apologize for the absence but I felt the need to take some time away for me, so I let myself relax and recharge and I'm feeling a bit better now.

My trip to DC went alright. Minus one meltdown in my training class because the instructor wanted to talk circles around a very important issue and basically wanted to negate an entire CHUNK of my work from his implications...whatever. That and a rather testy woman at training soured the trip a bit for me.

Well, that and not feeling well.

I'm not sure what exactly it was, although friends and family have their own suggestions (stress, being overworked, etc.), but I often came back from training, collapsed on the bed and felt like I couldn't move from that spot all night. I worked out very little. I got in the pool once, on Monday morning, but my legs and arms felt like lead and I did a few pathetic laps before just giving in and going back to my room. I didn't even step foot in the gym. So much for my "Balls to the Wall General Esther Week".

Instead, I spent a lot of time reflecting, relaxing, and hurting and sick. Not really fun.

But I still got some activity in. For one, I walk about 1/2 a mile a day, from my hotel to training and back, when I'm there. I also took a long walk on Sunday (probably put in a good 2 miles at least), put in a bit of a walk Wednesday night to and from the restaurant to meet up with my girl, B, and then Thursday night when I stepped out to get a few more gifts for my boys and a cupcake. So, yes, I did some walking. Not near as much as I usually do, but each day I felt exhausted and sore and tired and my legs were hurting like crazy. It honestly felt like I was starting again at day one because I had little to no energy or stamina...which is odd considering I haven't taken a bunch of time off or anything. Basically, it just seemed like my body was trying to tell me it was done, it needed a break, and it protested time and time again. And I gave in. Finally.

Of course, now I have the difficult challenge of getting myself back in the game so I don't get lost, so...yeah...that's what I'll be working on for a bit.

As for food while I was there? I did reasonably well. I ate the breakfast provided, usually scrambled eggs, a piece of wheat toast with jelly, some sort of breakfast meat and a few potatoes. I drank coffee...more and more as the week went on. I had two more sinful drinks at Starbucks and the rest of the time stuck to black coffee with half and half and Splenda. (I'm actually quite proud of that one...I used to have 2-3 mocha latte whatevers a DAY when I was in DC. This time I had one Mocha Coconut Latte with Soy and one Iced Vanilla Soy Latte the entire week.) I did have 2 vegan cupcakes (okay, that wasn't the best time I will only buy one to make sure I only eat one). I usually packed my lunch each day - a wheat bagel, one side with cream cheese, the other with peanut butter, and some yogurt with blueberries and granola. Typically I'd have a "taco" then when I got back to my hotel after training - flour tortilla with the black bean puree, a bit of light sour cream, and the chicken/pepper/mushroom stuff I made up on Sunday when I got there -- with peppers and mushrooms FRESH from the Farmer's Market!). Dinner was usually whatever was provided. Sometimes I found myself going back for more, but because I was still hungry, not because I was mindlessly overeating. There was meatloaf and mashed potatoes one night, hamburgers (veggie and regular) and salad another night. I missed the Chicken Ceasar Salad night because I was out with B.

Out with B. Hrm. *remembers back*
Probably the BEST experience of my entire trip. It usually is. We have a great time and 2-3 hours passes like it's 10 minutes. This time she turned me on to Strongbow Cider at an Irish-Style Pub. Remember how I said I don't generally drink?! Yea, I totally did. I think I had 3...or 4. Either way, the metro was making me dizzy and I had to make a genuine effort to stay away from the red dots on the floor because I was deathly afraid I was going to fall right on to the tracks. For dinner I had a chicken philly type sandwich and some duck fat fries, which, yes, were amazing and wonderful and I don't feel guilty about that at all. *lol* And after I left the Pub to return to my hotel I got hit on by 2 HOT lobbyists before having a rather lengthy and interesting conversation with a 12 year old Girl Scout from California. Yeah, it was an interesting night...the very best kind.

Oh, and then there was the sushi on Thursday night. Which I also don't regret. I have 3 "must do"s when I go to DC.
1) Meet with B
2) Red Velvet Cupcake
3) Sushi

All in all, I think the week was a wash. Came back and weighed in the next day at 311 (about 4 pounds up), but my body fat % reading was down about 1/2 a percentage point. *shrug* I can't tell you why...I didn't even work out. No clue where I am now, but I don't have high hopes for tomorrow's weigh-in. Let's just say I haven't been much following any plan. And I haven't been feeling that great either. I'm having some pains in my lower abdomen that I'm just not sure how to correct or even what it is. I do have a BC shot due tomorrow, so maybe that's part of it, but I'm really not sure. I just know it hurts...and I'm exhausted like ALL THE TIME. Trying to break out of it though. I spent the last 3 days basically on the couch "resting" after coming back from a rather botched trip to my Mother's house to pick up my boys (we were supposed to stay several days and do a bunch of things, we ended up staying one night and doing nothing).

Anyhow, time to move on. Need to hit the gym tonight and tomorrow to get my 2 swipes for the week. Did have a great time swimming at the lake yesterday and certainly noticed improved stamina there, so that was nice. Weigh-in tomorrow that I'm not looking forward to, and then we continue on.

The plan, again (to remind myself).
2400 calories a day
Work out 3-5 times a week
Try to get 2 ST sessions in per week and 3 cardio sessions

Oh, side note. I quit my second job. Long story, but I'm not doing that any more. Doesn't mean I have completely free weekends now - going to have to bump up the couponing in order to save the money I'm losing from not working the second job, but at least that's on my own time.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGIRL06 6/27/2012 7:36PM

    I hope you at least got a little time to relax while in DC! And I am sorta glad you quite the second job. Sounded awful but you do what you have to to survive sometimes! Rob and I are trying to get better at pinching pennies too, it can be tough!
PS. Have you ever thought about a home business like selling Tupperwear? LOL. My friend sells Thirty One products and she seems to like it (besides, you get to have tons of cut bags!) Just a thought. You can disregard if you like.

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BAYBELIEVER 6/21/2012 6:41PM

    I've missed you but glad your trip to DC was good at least with B and one crazy night?!?! It sounds like you needed the break and I am glad you took it. I think we all over-stress about this whole getting healthier thing and working out and eating right and then still having to try to manage our "real" lives, one job, two jobs, kids, spouses, friends. Aaackk! It gets crazy. Remember (and I hope that is what you did while you were relaxing, among other things) to love yourself! We all need that...And I have trouble reminding myself of that too!

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MANLEYSANDY 6/21/2012 1:07PM

    I am glad you took some time for you to relax and reflect! I am glad you quit that second job, you give so much, you need to have some rest time even if it is just alittle!!


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VICKYMARIEC 6/21/2012 12:28PM

    I've missed your daily blogs! Glad you had a great time with your friend and ate some yummy foods!

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GUITARWOMAN 6/21/2012 11:58AM

    Welcome back!

I think I understand what you are saying.

It is hard enough for we who have taken the wellness journey after years of doing what-you-really-do-not-want-to-hear
-about to our bodies. Routine and accessibility to the right food and exercise equipment is paramount.

That is one of the reason why I hate conferences and even dislike aspects of travel. I could write a book called "Hotel Treadmills I Have Used" and some of them have been pretty wonky! It has been really hard to keep up the routine of morning treadmilling on the road.

When you are travelling for pleasure, at least you get to walk around. Conferences are deadly. You sit. And sit. And sit. And sit. And if you do not plan your food carefully, the food choices are typically deadly. Not to mention excessive coffee to keep oneself awake.

So much for my gripes, good to see you back, and looking forward to your blogs!


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ARUNNINGKAT 6/21/2012 11:34AM

    Glad you are back! Enjoy the rest of the week! emoticon

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MUSOLF6 6/21/2012 11:31AM

    emoticon emoticon

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BOB240 6/21/2012 10:14AM

    welcome back emoticon

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