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End of June Weigh-In

Friday, June 29, 2012

Weight Last Week: 314.4
Weight This Week: 309.8

...and 307.6...and 304.2...and 304.8...

*lol* My scale is having multiple personality disorder or something. I'm taking the highest reading, and also the reading I got naked after my morning shower, which is the higher number. As for body fat %...I'm back up to 47.8 according to my reader.

It really took me half the week this week to get my rear in gear. With some high calorie days to start the week and some low calorie ones at the end of the week as I struggled to find the happy place, I probably averaged around 2400-2600 per day. (I'm too tired to do math right now.)

I also accomplished nearly every schedule exercise this week AND a couple unscheduled ones.

Friday - 1.15 mile walk/run with the big dog (unscheduled)
Saturday - nada
Sunday - nada
Monday - 900 yards in the pool
Tuesday - 1.5 mile walk/run (C25k W1D1)
Wednesday - 900 yards in the pool before work and 45 minute ST circuit with the trainer after work...

...and that's why I haven't done anything since Wednesday. *lol* I was supposed to run yesterday but I woke up with the biggest migraine of my life, and once that finally subsided, the DOMS set in and I haven't walked right since about noon yesterday. I'd say that was just a SMIDGE too much, but it was my last go with Tanner, so that's alright. He gave me some great exercises to keep up with so I can improve my running and swimming muscles. I know that because what hurts are: quads, shoulders, and abs.

I have to admit I was really down on myself during my session, but Tanner snapped at me and told me to stop, and I listened. I explained to him my 7-month plateau and he had no words for why things stopped working and thinks I'm making all the right adjustments (eating more, took a week or two off the stress of it all and just relaxed for a bit to give my mind and body a rest, and now getting back to it like I did day one).

Yesterday I spent much of the (HOT!!!) day on the computer planning out a Paleo meal plan for the next week or two. My shopping cart was something precious to behold. The only heavily processed crap I bought was: cereal, bread, bagels, 2 mini frozen pizzas and 2 pkgs of Hot Pockets - all for the boys. When I'm not here and they're left pretty much to themselves all day, I have to have some quick grabs for them. Proudest thing, though? When I got home, the first thing 2 of my 3 boys attacked was the fruit bowl! *pride*

So I'm following a pretty good start yesterday and a rather prideful shopping trip with a good day today.

Breakfast - 3 eggs with mushrooms, pepper, onion powder, garlic powder, and a bit of oregano and 2 Morningstar "sausage" links (not exactly Paleo...) and some coffee with cream (def. not Paleo..I need to work on that)

After my eye doc appointment - a green paleo smoothie made with 1 cup spinach, about 3/4 cup of mixed frozen fruit and some coconut water

And now I'm eating a spinach salad with grilled chicken, homemade balsamic vinaigrette, a dash of walnut oil (the vinaigrette is just made, so I needed a dash of oil to cut up the vinegar bite until it sets up more), some walnut pieces, and mushrooms...and for dessert? A nice, yummy, juicy peach.

I already made a couple things for the week, including:
* Homemade taco seasoning
* Homemade balsamic vinaigrette
* Paleo Chocolate Custard

A word on desserts...

In my family, dessert is a big thing. You eat your meal to earn your dessert. Dessert is the star of the meal and you just simply don't have a great meal without a bite of something sweet after. My mom still carries around mini Reese cups and random other bites of goodness to round out her meals.

Now every time I've tried to be "good" and cut out sweets from my doesn't work. I break after a while...and I break in STYLE! Major sweet binges of the nastiest processed junk you can find on the planet. It's not a pretty picture. So, as I was assessing my diet again and trying to find the best way to succeed, I made a decision - let's try allowing sweets in, but healthy, good-for-me treats. So for dinner tonight, we'll likely have something like Fish and asparagus or grilled chicken and veggie kebabs, and then I will get to sit down and have a pretty glass dish of chocolate custard. I hope this makes the "deprived" feeling go away and I can stick with it more than 80% of the time. Also a good "treat"? FRUIT! NOM! *grabs her peach*

So, yeah...there's a start.

Goals for the week:
* Stick to the Paleo meal plan already set up.

Things included on my meal plan:
* Grilled Pollock
* Oven Roasted Asparagus
* Salmon Cakes
* Grilled Veggie Kebabs
* Beef & Vegetable Chili
* Chicken Salad with homemade Paleo mayo
* Grilled Chicken
* Oven Roasted Bacon Vegetables
* Mushroom and Onion Pork Loin
* Mashed Cauliflower
* Roasted Turnips
* Spaghetti Squash and Meatballs

Also have a bunch of fresh fruit and veggies and extra chicken breast ready for snacks and lunches and the like.

* Get in all scheduled workouts this week, no excuses!

Friday - Run or Swim
Saturday - Rest
Sunday - Rest
Monday - Swim
Tuesday - C25k & ST
Wednesday - Rest
Thursday - Swim
Friday - C25k & ST

* Consume daily average calories around 2400-2600

Weight Goal for Next Week: around 307

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGIRL06 7/10/2012 1:15PM

I like having an afternoon sweet snack (usually a Kind bar with chocolate on it). I am thinking about cutting out all sugars next week though, just for one week (except for fruit at breakfast). We'll see!

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JUSTLIKEALICE 7/2/2012 12:02PM

    Great job, great plan! :)

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HEALTHYASHLEY 7/2/2012 11:20AM

    Sounds like a great plan! I wonder if I am not eating enough since you eat about 1000-1200 calories more a day than I do and we are close in weight. Something I need to think about.

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4EVERADONEGIRL 7/2/2012 11:13AM

    Sounds like you are on a roll! Good job!

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ARUNNINGKAT 6/29/2012 2:01PM

    Love your plan! Your food sounds so yummy! I know this next week will be amazing for you!

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CALLIKIA 6/29/2012 1:58PM

    "If you fail to plan, plan to fail." ;)

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ACCT1908 6/29/2012 1:50PM

    You always have a plan!!! You are on it! Enjoy your "treats" LOL

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Bucket Lists and APP

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

First things first, yesterday, I did this...

Okay, so you can't really see it well, but that's me...on a 4-Wheeler. Believe it or not, I have lived in West Virginia for about 7 years and have yet to ride one of these things for longer than 2 seconds. I kept telling Hubs I was too big to ride, and he kept telling me I was being stupid. But those of us who have topped 300 pounds or more know that it's hard to say 'eff it!' when you're talking about the possibility of breaking someone else's stuff. This 4-Wheeler belongs to my FIL. They own 2, which they typically use to get up to their cabin on the next hill over from their house.

Yesterday, my FIL offered to begin lessons with my boys. These boys are growing up West Virginia style, so our neighbors in the area would probably find it strange that they'd never attempted to drive one before now. So as G'pa was in the field teaching them how everything worked, I was on the other side of the road on my front porch just watching. Until it hit me...'THAT'S ON MY BUCKET LIST!' I told Hubs I wanted a lesson and he gave me his shoes and told me to go on over. (I was wearing flip-flops at the time...oops!) So, yea, mark that one off. Of course, I think I kinda suck at it. As soon as my FIL said the word "shift" I got nervous. I drive an automatic car for a reason and the thought of a car or other vehicle relying upon my timing and instinct to freaks me out. Still, I did it anyhow...and it was both scary and fun. I think I'll need a few more lessons before I get the shifting down, though. *lol*

Annoying Pool People

This morning I headed to the gym for more laps in the pool. Now, like I've mentioned before, the early wake up time (4-4:30am) is actually worth it for me because there's generally no one in the pool between 6-7am. Monday one dude showed up as I was finishing up, and he showed up again today when I was about halfway though. (Granted I was running a few minutes behind this morning as I had to stop for gas.) I don't have a single problem with this guy. He doesn't create an overly rocky wave environment in the pool, he simply picks the other middle lane (there are 4 lanes, I pick a middle lane and he takes whichever one I'm not using) and both of us tend to lean toward the outside of our lanes so as to not crowd the other person.

Well, then the little lady showed up. Whatever, there are 2 more lanes and I was almost done with my laps. And then, in my eyes, she committed a cardinal sin - she asked the lifeguard to turn on the radio. *sigh* For the record, I like the peace and quiet of my morning swim. That's why I love it when it's just me in the pool with the lifeguard in his chair not really paying attention (unless you're splashing about with your arms flailing in the air gasping for breath, I'm assuming). It's a nice relationship and a great way to start the morning - quiet and calm. So the radio in the pool? PSAH! As if! Thankfully, my head is underwater the majority of the time so it didn't bug me too much.

And finally, as I was finishing up my last 2-3 laps, the joker showed up. I didn't get a good look at him. I didn't put my contacts in this morning so my vision wasn't 100%, but on the way back from a lap I see him standing above me on the side of the pool. So what do I do? I immediately start to move over to the center of my lane to give him room. I had been riding the line to test how straight I was swimming and to give Mr. #1 some room, but when someone else comes, I know to move over. I have no clue what Mr. Joker said to me (the radio was on and there was water in my ears), but I think the general gist was him telling me HOW to swim in one lane. *face/palm* REALLY?! You don't friggin' say?! OMG, and all this time I've been doing it wrong! NOT! *sigh* Anyhow, people annoy me...but I did get my laps in this morning.

900 yards + 40 yd warm up and 20 yd cool down
I did a bunch of stretching as well before and after. I'm trying to be a little better about this and not just hop right in the pool and get started. I know better...and the cramps in my legs now and again are reminding me from time to time. They're also reminding me I need to drink more water both before and after my swim.

Side note on swimming today: Dolphin kick isn't really making me go much farther under the water. I may not be doing it right, but I think I get better at it every time I try. The bonus? Right or wrong, my abs HATE me right now, so at least it's helping with that.

Second side note: I used my last 3 20 yard single laps this morning to PUSH a bit more and challenge my body. It's at the end of my swim so I figure if I have anything left, I might as well use it and see if my body can do the laps any quicker.

I am getting a bit faster. On Monday, I swam 900 yards in 35 minutes. Today it was 32 minutes, so I actually shaved 3 minutes off my total time. And this includes breathing breaks which, btw, aren't quite as short as they should be yet. I tried giving myself double the breathing time between laps this morning in order to keep away the headache and not have to do any recovery laps. It worked. I kicked all 900 yards today and didn't get a pounding headache either during my 200 yard stint (MUCH improved today!) or during the rest of my laps.

As for my eating yesterday? Slight improvement there. Yes, I still ate probably beyond what I needed for the day, but I was within my calorie range and I ate mostly healthy food. I nearly opted for dinner out, but I thought better of it and ended up eating some pork loin, green beans and potatoes.

Now to remember yesterday so I know that it CAN be done.

I did not, however, do my ST during my lunch break...even though I even cancelled plans with the bestie for lunch in order to do just that. By the time noon rolled around, I was exhausted, and opted for a quick nap in my car. (Note: Not quite sure why I'm SO tired lately, but it's getting a bit annoying.)

It's probably the best thing I could have done, however, because I have a scheduled supervised workout with Tanner tonight, and I know he's going to work my butt hard at the gym tonight...and I want him to do just that! It will be our last session together as he's leaving for med school and I'm going to have him focus on great ST exercises that can bolster my swimming/running without overtraining certain areas like the quads and the shoulders and calves that I really need in good shape for my cardio workouts.

And I'm going to have that lunch with the bestie today. We're going to a place I've never been to before but have heard great things - like that they use a lot of local ingredients and have a TON of healthy options on their menu. We shall see how that works out!

Happy HUMP day everyone! Just today and tomorrow and I get to bask in the 100+ degree glow of the weekend the weather forcasters around here are comparing to life on the sun. (Okay, I totally made that up, but they've got me so freaked out with their doom and gloom I'm almost scared of this weekend. Plan is to either hit the lake and sit in the shade or swim in the water OR find some place with a huge, well-built and well-maintained AC unit. :) Hell, Hubs better not be P.O.ed if I bring the kids and the laptop over and come hang out in the back room of his work with my two dogs and my cat. *lmao*

emoticon Where do you escape when the heat goes crazy and it's humid and nasty?

emoticon Anyone want to suggest some great dinner options for me? I'm sitting here fretting because I have not a clue what we'll eat for dinner tonight...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WALLAHALLA 6/28/2012 12:50AM

    Great job of kicking one off the bucket list! I really need to work on mine.

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RUSSELLORAMA 6/27/2012 9:44PM

    Cheers to checking things off the bucket list! I tend to hide in the house when the weather's too hot or the movie theater.

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SUGIRL06 6/27/2012 8:03PM

    Dinner: My mom made shrimp the other night with mixed veggies like mushrooms and such. She added some tomato sauce and served it over roasted cauliflower. It looked delicious!

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MUSOLF6 6/27/2012 6:50PM


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HEALTH-E-CLARE 6/27/2012 3:31PM

    Nicely done on the swimming... and seriously the guy wanted to join you in your lane when there was an open one? When you're swimming you only need to circle swim (stay to right side of the lane) when there are multiple people in a lane.

Is it bad when I'm swimming and see someone standing over my lane (normally asking to share) I do a flip turn and don't stop. if they get in, I circle swim, but I don't invite. Although my pool is only 3 lanes and horrible!

Congrats on the bucket list cross off- you'll be cruising around in no time!

Food: Tonight I'm making myself a shrimp cocktail (or grilled shrimp) since they were on sale and a steamed artichoke

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THOMS1 6/27/2012 2:02PM

    I think it is wonderful that you swim a lot as it is such good exercise. In the really hot weather we tend to go to exercise early in the morning, ride our bikes and walk early also then hang in the air. We are just starting to get really hot and humid here so we will hang out at the lake probably the rest of the week. emoticon

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KKINNEA 6/27/2012 1:00PM

    So great that you knocked out a bucket list item!! It sounds like you're really motoring along. I assume you'll be able to get another trainer at the gym when the current one goes to med school? The pool people sound really annoying especially so early in the morning...

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ERIN1128 6/27/2012 12:19PM

    Awesome on the swimming, you're making me want to do it! But I don't belong to a gym or anything. :-( As for dinner, quesadillas with rice and beans is one of our "emergency" dinners. :-)

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4EVERADONEGIRL 6/27/2012 11:44AM

    You make me want to join a gym so I can give this whole swimming laps thing a shot!! Way to go, girl!

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GUITARWOMAN 6/27/2012 11:02AM

    I am impressed with the amount you swim!

It is supposed to be hot and humid in Ontario as well, but not as bad as I sure you will experience.

We have central air, with the addition of fans, so cope pretty well.

When we visited Tennessee I saw houses with two central air units, one for upstairs and one for downstairs!

Dinner? We're doing chicken and vegetables. Probably a combination of cauliflower, carrots, snow peas. I bake the chicken and leave the skin on and use a coating mix. There, I've said it. I have been able to lose weight and maintain eating this kind of chicken. It's the binging that puts on the pounds.

Hope the weather is not too extreme in your neck of the woods!


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FLEURGARDEN 6/27/2012 11:01AM

    Congrats for getting your swim in! I used to swim like a fish when I was a kid, but then I didn't swim for years and discovered how out of shape I really am. I know I'd get better if I kept at it, but so far I've been sticking with the treadmill and the weight machines. And yes, we have annoying people in the gym too. :-)

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REBECCAMA 6/27/2012 10:41AM

  Well good for you for going in the pool. That's one thing I"m still scared of. I can't exercise with other people like that.

As for the 4-wheeler. I live on a lake, well across the street, we don't actually have shore-access, but anyway we've been there for over 7 years and I still haven't been in a boat. I like swimming but the idea of getting out in the middle of the lake scares the crap out of me. So go you!

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SLFRISBEY 6/27/2012 10:37AM

    Lately my go to meal has been lean protein (tonight it's bunless hamburger with guacamole YUM! Last night was balsamic pork loin) sauteed brussle sprouts in a little EVOO and half of a baked (microwaved) sweet potato. The brussel sprouts I change up for steamed broccoli or cauliflower or carrots (or all three together) but somehow this seems like a great go to meal. Granted my husband does complain about always eating the other half of my sweet potato every night but he will live haha!

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MAMADWARF 6/27/2012 10:26AM

    My go to menu is chicken breast pounded out with bread crumbs and lemon zest, the other one is chicken, salsa and crockpot. Its easy and done when we get home which I love. What do you have in the house that you can throw together?

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NANCYPAT1 6/27/2012 8:55AM

    I too live in WV and the pool is my exercise haven and serenity spot. I have known a number of the "APPs" you describe and try hard not to let them get me down. Enjoy your pool time and keep up the good work. APPs are not only found around the pool, they fill up our lives if we give them the power to upset us. I (mostly unsuccessfully) try to keep a positive spin on them and remind myself that maybe they just don't know any better. Sometimes that helps but mostly it just helps to remind me that I too am probably one of those annoying people to someone else.

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Stop Thinking About What Could Go Wrong (w/Pics!)

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

As a follow-up to my earlier blog (if you haven't read it yet, go back and read it...I'll it?), I've been trying to refocus myself a bit. I realized I have to stop focusing on what could go wrong, what the negative outcomes might be, and start remembering all the things I wanted to do with my new thinner self. In all honesty, I kept asking myself, "What could I do clothed then that I really can't (or don't want to) do now?"

Why do I want to lose weight if it might cause all the problems I've already listed?

To go surfing, or at least learn how. I don't think that right now I could "pop up" on the board. I don't even know if I could stablize myself on the darn thing on my belly right now. Plus, you aren't going to catch me DEAD in a wet suit or other proper surfing attire right now. But even with baggy skin, I might look okay in a least enough to forget about how I look and see if I actually like to surf. Of course, there's this little thing of the fear of the ocean that I have to get over, but I've been working on that. Last year was the first time I went out beyond where I could touch. First time EVER. I got over the fear (for the most part) and I really liked it!

Snorkeling. Actually, this is probably something I should be doing now as the fat will help me float better, but I just can't see spending the money when I'm terrified to be seen in a bathing suit. Sure, I swim 2-3 times a week. I go to the beach and the lake and the pool in a bathing suit. But with what some of those girls at the lake are wearing, I have nothing to worry about! (YIKES! Just because you CAN doesn't mean you SHOULD!) And the pool? I'm at the friggin' gym and swimming the whole time and I totally space out when I'm doing my laps so I never worried about that much. And the beach? I always tell myself, "I'm never going to see these people again, so what do I care?" But THE BEACH, as in some place wonderful and exotic and foreign and beautiful...I don't know, in my head you just have to feel more confident with yourself to go there.

And so I can kayak. Because right now I can't imagine squeezing my butt into one of those tiny things right now. Or doing fun things like rolls (*snort* nice pun!) without drowning.

And water skiing!

And whatever the hell that is. (Okay, so I just put that picture in because it's an awesome picture...I don't think I'll ever be able to do that...but the headstand? I could work my way up to that if I had less weight holding me down!)

And scuba diving!

And parasailing (another weight limit issue here that I MUST overcome!). Though I'll probably friggin' HATE parasailing because I'm just a TINY bit (okay A LOT) afraid of heights, I hate that I CAN'T do it. *pouts like a 5 year old*

And so I can do that...any distance I want (if I work my way up to it) and at a reasonable pace. (Right now I'm around a 11-12 m/m when I do run.)

And so I can wear polka dots or stripes without looking like a circus tent or some attraction at a fair.

And so I can actually own one of these.

Or wear this without it being compared to a Mumuu (and in a VERY negative way!).

Or go with this and look like a naughty teacher from some 80s or 90s music video (you know, when that's what they actually showed on MUSIC Television - aka MTV).

Or enroll in a beginner's ballet class and only get dirty looks because the kids think I was alive with the dinosaurs.

To read like this.

So I can cry into my knees when I'm sad.

Or get a piggy-back ride.

And run without getting sympathy looks.

And to never have to be told by a stanger how "great" I'm doing, because they never knew I was fat in the first place.

To never hear "keep up the good work!" again. Because I'm not 12 and because I know I have more to do, and YOU know I have more to do, but I don't want to know that YOU know, or at least I just don't want to be reminded of that.

So I can squat in the woods to pee. Yes, I just said that.

And squat down to say hello to a small child.

And to put my legs on the desk and lean back without feeling like I'm going to tip the chair over.

And so I can sit in any chair I want to on the PLANET without a second thought.

For these reasons and many others.
It's time to refocus my whys so I can get back on my way.

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emoticon Why are you doing this? What keeps you going when it gets tough?

--- --- --- --- ---


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PAMAZON 7/2/2012 10:06AM

    Such an awesome list! I sometimes get that feeling that certain things have passed me by, like even if I get thin it'll be too late because I'm getting older. But these days you can do almost anything at any age. I know we have lots of adult ballet classes in my city, and then you can go out after class in your lbd!

You also reminded me of my "What I Want to Do" blog with pics that I posted in January. The year is half over, got to check in on that list again. Thanks for the reminder!!!

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 6/28/2012 10:08AM

    Love the positivity outlook on all the amazing things you WILL be doing.

Refocused motivation with your determination to meet the goals... You will make it there and be able to do so many other great and amazing things.

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SUGIRL06 6/27/2012 7:58PM

    LOVE THIS BLOG!!!! And hey that "So I can squat in the woods to pee." will come in handy on those loooong double digit training runs for that marathon you'll run one day. HA!

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MELLYBEANS0919 6/27/2012 10:49AM

    Great blog. Very fun.

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MAMADWARF 6/27/2012 10:33AM

    Good list. I peed in the woods this weekend! Lol. And I also hate the "keep up the good work" even though it maybe well intentioned. I also kayaked when I hit my 50 pounds, itwas awesome and I loved it

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ROMNEY3 6/27/2012 9:51AM

    Yup great way to look at it. Love this

Oh so want to do the surfing thing too.

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GUITARWOMAN 6/27/2012 7:13AM

    Great blog, with a great positive focus!

You go girl!


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BAYBELIEVER 6/27/2012 6:56AM

    Awesome blog. I need to take the time and put this down, in a blog and on a poster, so I can remember that there ARE reasons for the struggle and to make the right choices!

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WALLAHALLA 6/27/2012 12:05AM

    Awesome blog. I so want to go parasailing, and on a hot air balloon ride!

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KERLIN26 6/26/2012 11:15PM

  This was an awesome blog! You will do it!

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GETFIT2LIVE 6/26/2012 9:00PM

    Love all these--it's not the number on a scale that matters so much as being able to ANYTHING we want without being limited by our size. Great list!

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ATROTTIER 6/26/2012 6:58PM

    Love it!!! I think I might make my own list soon to re-focus as just gets so tough right to really know what we are doing this for...I mean sure it's for our "health" or whatever but really once you start doing this your health improves almost immediately so what is it after that is going well??? That is the list we all need, to see ourselves in a different way, in a different motion, to fly like the wind I guess...well I want to fly like the wind!! LOL!! Thank you for this blog...the struggles are hard, it's nice to know we all go through them and can help each other along the way. emoticon

Comment edited on: 6/26/2012 7:00:03 PM

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MUSOLF6 6/26/2012 6:53PM

    emoticon emoticon

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MIZCATHI 6/26/2012 6:50PM

    What a positive way to think!

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KKINNEA 6/26/2012 6:09PM

    I love this blog - I hope it serves to inspire you and inspire us all for a long time to come!!

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4EVERADONEGIRL 6/26/2012 6:02PM

    This is awesome!!!! Heart you and heart this post!

I think I might want to learn to surf too! I don't feel quite there yet, but I'm willing to work to get there!

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    Awesome post -- love the pics!! Great reasons to remember the whys when things are tough.

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Losing Weight - It's Not All Fun and Games and Happy Victories

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

*smacks self*

No, seriously. That's how I felt yesterday. I did great all day. I did my workout. I ate healthy fruits and vegs. Other than one small slip of not thinking, I didn't consume dairy OR grains (the soup was the slip up, but it was OH, SO GOOD!). And then I got home and *CRASH*! Just like last week, and the week before. *bangs head on desk*

No, seriously, this is getting out of hand.

I do know what caused it yesterday. Pure exhaustion. I just couldn't even think about cooking. My oldest waited all day to do the dishes and was in my way and I just didn't want to do...well, anything. So I ended up with pizza and breadsticks AND soda. *bangs head on desk* Which I ate/drank TOO MUCH of because I was exhausted and hungry. *bangs head on desk* And then managed to literally pass out on the couch. I think I fell asleep around 9pm and didn't wake up until 4:30am this morning. Hubs even remarked on how tired I must have been.

I need to read more of my book. Is this exhaustion part of the 2-week adjustment period or am I just doing something ELSE wrong?!


The only upside is that I did wake up at 4:30 this morning and I managed to get outside just as dawn was breaking to get in W1D1 of C25k. But I had stomach problems again. *sigh* Is it any wonder? Dairy, grains AND grease! And pop as well! What the hell was I thinking? And this morning I couldn't be bothered and had stupid creamer in my coffee.


I'm GOING to get a handle on this! I HAVE TO!
I don't know why I fall apart every day.

Okay, that's not true. I think I know why now. Or, at least, part of the reason why.

I'm terrified that getting "fit" or whatever type of skinny my body can achieve is going to make me miserable.

Let's face it, not all aspects of losing weight are good and happy and wonderful. My own chiro said that losing the 150+ pounds I've lost so far might be the main cause for my whole pelvic region and back being out of whack. Yes, you heard me right, the doctor said that LOSING WEIGHT has likely caused the problem. *sigh* Remember when it was because I was fat and NEEDED to lose weight that was causing the problems? Ahhhh...those were the days. (NOT!) *rolls eyes*

Other not so wonderful things I've gained from this journey?

- I'm more aware of my body.

Yeah, that sounds like a good thing, but not always. I was in ignorant bliss for a long time, and now that I'm noticing myself more, I see the flaws so easily now and I can't simply ignore them. I feel the actual fat separating from the muscle, which, yes, is a good thing, because it means less fat IN my muscles and organs, but it means that I feel the jiggle SO MUCH MORE in just day to day walking to the bathroom. Feeling the fat on you is not the most pleasant experience in the world, I promise. I may have been bigger before, but it was so big that it was less jiggle and more slow roll from side to side. And I know how off-putting and ridiculous this all sounds, but it's affecting my mental state and if anyone else out there is planning on losing 200 or more pounds, just know that this might be something you feel about halfway through.

- Excess skin.

I'm already noticing it more and more...and it's just downright sad. It just simply makes me sad. Because I'm 31 years old, and this is taking SO long that ...well, let's just say it, there's no hope for me to have a rockin' body without surgical assistance. This makes me sad more often than I ever admit. People wonder why I've been in such a hurry, but what they don't understand is that, in my head, the more time I'm fat, the less time I have to be skinny. The more time I'm fat, the more stretched my skin becomes and the less elasticity (is that the word?) I have to make things "bounce back". I guess I'm realizing now that it's not just about wanting to waste my life as a fat girl and not wanting to waste my entire 30s being fat, but because all the information we receive is, "The sooner you lose the weight, the better chance you'll have to have a "normal" body." But I'm realizing that it's all false hope anyhow. The damage is done...and whatever I have when I'm done with all of this, might be the biggest disappointment of my life.

Yes, I'm terrified that my husband won't like me when I'm skinny. When I have old, wrinkly, sagging skin like a 80 year old at the age of 35, or 40 or even 50...whenever my body and head decides to finally lose the rest of this weight. *taps foot impatiently* So while this plateau was simply a obstacle before, I think I've been setting up the roadblocks myself lately. Because I'm scared of what's to come. And I think I know what it will look like. And I don't know if I'd just rather be fat than be wrinkly and old prematurely. (And, yes, I know how awful all that sounds, but it's 100% true.)

- I've reached a progress stop point.

Not just on the scale, but there are yoga moves I want to improve but can't because of the huge stomach apron getting in between me and my legs (which are looking much nicer, calves are the only thing I have hope for in the future). I can't progress any further with my flexibility until I get rid of the actual physical obstacle in my way. And that pisses me off!

- I can see my thinner self.

This is another thing that's been taunting me for a while now...and I may have mentioned it before...but I can actually SEE my thinner self. I can see the form and shape of my would-be-normal body, but, again, that stupid stomach apron and the bubble butt are keeping me from a shape I would be more proud of...maybe.

- Calcium deposits.

When I was younger, I went to the doc to ask about a bump on the top of my foot. It's this soft little bump right on the top of my foot and it bugs the crap out of me because it makes my foot look weird. My doc at the time told me that it was nothing to worry about, it was just a little calcium deposit. Between that bump and the calcified ligament in my neck, I'd say my body has had issues processing calcium correctly in the past. No clue what causes that, but I sure wish it would stop. Since losing weight I've discovered two more calcium deposits on my body that were not noticable before because of the extra fat. One is on my inner thigh. Not too worried about that one as no one is likely to see it but me. It's just a slight annoyance to me that it's there, nothing more. (I know already that my thighs are a lost cause. I can see the hanging skin already and I'm already having nightmares of what the upper part of my legs are going to look like when all this is said and done.) But the other one? It's on MY FACE! My friggin' face, y'all. The one thing about me that, even when I weighed nearly 500 pounds, I was still okay with. The one part of me that no one ever had a problem with. But now, next to my lips in the spot where a cute dimple could be is a friggin' calcium deposit that makes me want to cry (and also makes me want to not smile or otherwise draw attention to it). It's like a big "HAHAHAHA!" with pointing from your middle school bully every time I look in the mirror now. I cannot even begin to describe how much this damn bump is messing with my head. I keep thinking, "Oh, so I'm losing weight so I can get UGLY?! Great!" *sarcasm*

These are the thoughts that are keeping me from losing the weight.
I know that. I really do.
I know I'm actually CHOSING not to lose weight.
I'm wasting my own time spending hours working out, only to stuff my mouth in order to not lose any more weight and have to face the consequences of a lifetime of being obese.

It sounds completely stupid, but I know it's 100% true.
When this plateau started, it was completely out of my control.
But in the past few weeks, at least through all of June, it's been my doing 100%.
I've adjusted my calories to restart my metabolism again and give it a break. And then when it was time to lower them back down just a smidge from maintenance? I couldn't do it. I didn't know if I wanted it any more. I mean, YES, I want to be skinnier. I want to fit into nice clothes and look and feel great about myself and my accomplishments. But what if losing this weight only makes me hate my body more?! And what if the people who love me exactly how I am now, don't like me any longer when I'm a slab of loose, baggy skin?! Because I won't likely have the money for any surgery to follow, and I don't have the best of luck with insurance companies.

I have a weigh-in tomorrow at the gym and I want to cry. Because I know I'm going to disappoint Tanner. I had been at least holding pretty steady with my weight, and my body fat % was going down so he knew I was still working, but my body wasn't cooperating scale-wise. But now? I'm going to have to face the failure *I* created this past month. We're going to see a huge spike on the scale and probably a spike in my body fat % as well. And he's going to ask me why and I'm going to have to say, "Because I'm scared to be skinny!"

Starting over again today. Going to try to make it right. Going to try to get through one night without falling apart completely. But I know that I need to change my mindset...I just don't know how. And I keep asking myself, "What worked before?" and, truth is, I don't really know. I've gone from vision collages to refusing to think about the future to just living in the moment to just getting through one workout to setting streaks to setting goals to a million other things. I've always been in constant motion but it's always been from side to side, never back and forth like it is right now.

I guess it's possible to be two people at once.
The scared fat girl and the determined athletic chick.
Who will win is yet to be seen.
I hope it's the athlete...

Why do I wake up each day and keep trying??

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGIRL06 6/27/2012 7:54PM

    First, did your tiredness come 3-4 hours after eating the soup? Because that is one of my main "Reactions". Serious tiredness. Like can't sit with my eyes open tiredness.

And it is hard to stay "motivated". For me, its a matter of determination. I just have to tell myself to shut up and do it. Its tough!

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PASKALINI 6/27/2012 2:16AM

    WOW. I can honestly say I obsess over whether or not I will have a bunch of skin left over as well. I stress about what the after math will look like and if I will need/want skin removal which I KNOW I won't be able to afford. I really hope your inner athlete wins because you deserve it! Is there nothing that can be done about the calcium deposit on your face? If a doctor knew how much mental anguish it was causing it might be classified as medically necessary to remove it? I don't know but it can't hurt to ask. I'm sure your husband and everyone will love you no matter what. Don't lose hope!

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KERLIN26 6/26/2012 11:26PM

  I bet you would be surprised to know how many people share your feelings on this. Sending lots of love your way.

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SARAWALKS 6/26/2012 8:18PM


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MELLYBEANS0919 6/26/2012 3:57PM

    "I guess it's possible to be two people at once.
The scared fat girl and the determined athletic chick.
Who will win is yet to be seen.
I hope it's the athlete... "

Profound thoughts...and that is me as well. Scared to succeed, and scared to fail.

I am sorry you are feeling that way, you wrote very honestly which I really appreciate... emoticon

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ERIN1128 6/26/2012 3:34PM

    Hey, you somehow dropped off my blog subscriptions! I was wondering why you hadn't posted in so long. :-) Glad the swimming is going well. Sorry you're struggling - I feel like you have the same issue I do, of being able to work hard and be disciplined on the exercise side, but not enough willpower on the eating side. I love the quote at the end of your blog - let's remember it!

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NEWSGIRL2177 6/26/2012 1:52PM

    I get in my own way all the time, so this really resonated with me. You sound so determined that I really believe you'll get over the hurdles. Look how far you've come already! Rock on, sister.

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CAKEMAKERMOM 6/26/2012 11:37AM

    The last time I started to lose weight, my heart just wasn't in it. I had some "what if's" going on, like what if I lose the weight and then the skin sags.

Well, I'd rather have a little flabby skin than hold onto the weight that was causing knee and back problems.

You'll never know what if if you never get there to see. Work on seeing one beautiful thing today and add a second tomorrow, eventually you'll see more beauty than flaws. It doesn't matter what you weigh, it's a matter of seeing you for who you are at the time.

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SLFRISBEY 6/26/2012 11:36AM

    Oh my, I know where you are. I am scared of giving up the weight myself. I worry that I somehow won't be myself if I miraculously make it down to a size 8 or that I will somehow change too much, which is such a strange irrational fear. I don't really know how to combat it and stop sabotaging myself. I also blogged about this recently but still haven't figured out how to fix it and move past it. If you find the answer, can you share it with me? :) (((hugs)))

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NINJA_SMOO 6/26/2012 11:15AM

  Thank you for this blog. I found it so... resonating. I often have many of the same thoughts.

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MAMADWARF 6/26/2012 11:08AM

    I used to be afraid to lose weight and be more attractive, not to my husband, but to other men. I used to joke that god made me fat so I wouldn't be a HO.

I have always had a flirtatious personality but being fat kept it in the safe range.

I didn't realize that until I started on spark.

I can handle it now. So can you. Keep your eyes on the prize, your health and strength.
Btw, I appreciate your honesty.

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4EVERADONEGIRL 6/26/2012 10:26AM

    This really touches on a cord here...I think so often we hear about the happy foo-foo-la-la of losing weight...but rarely do we ever hear the "ugly truth" of it. It is SO FREAKING MENTAL...this weight loss game. And yes, it is a "game". You have hit on it perfectly. Thank you for your blistering honesty with yourself. I think I'm at the same place as you in a lot of ways. It's time for me to let the athlete win too!!

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GUITARWOMAN 6/26/2012 9:48AM

    Oh my.

First let me say it is great that you wrote this bog. Not all of us are capable of this kind of introspection and it can be a great beginning to behavior change.

A few things I learned from my wellness journey. Being in your normal BMI does not equal happiness. All your problems, be they work, family, finance, or anything else related, are still there! Who would have thunk it! And you can't even use food to sooth yourself emotionally any more! Yikes! So every day it is a journey, and while maintaining you go up a little and down a little--right now, I have to shed 7 pounds to get where I want to be.

Now, about excess skin. I have gained and lost weight forever, but did not start on this so-far-successful journey until May 2009. I will be 64 in less than a month. My calves are good, as is my upper body, but upper arms and midsection, from waist to knees, oh boy.

I have found that weights help the upper arms, and hooping has helped my waist.

But, even as I become a senior, I would love to tuck my tummy! I asked my foot surgeon if he did tummy tucks on the side, he looked at me as if I were insane (sigh) and I woke up with a repaired foot but no tummy tuck.

I think that folks who have lost more than I have do need surgical intervention with the skin.

Now, finding things wrong with you because you lost weight. Happened to me, including a rather upsetting breast cancer scare. Turned out to be a calcium deposit, but having those in your breast is not good!

And, during my loss, because of losing fat that produces hormones, I had a recurrence of menopausal hot flashes. Delightful.

I send you my best wishes to you on your journey. One day at a time. If you have a moment you might also want to read my review of a book on Positive Psychology on my blog page. Interesting stuff.


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BAYBELIEVER 6/26/2012 9:45AM

    I know exactly how you feel. I am coming to terms with the fact that I have done this to me. A plateau can be a plateau, but now everytime I lose 10 pounds, I immediately gain it back and I really think that it has to do with me being uncertain of a thinner future. When I have spent the last 20 years asking for tables not booths, avoiding theaters, not fitting in with others, what happens when all that changes? Who am I then? It's kind of scarey. And I am working through it. And I actually emailed someone yesterday and told them I was just coming to terms with the fact that I may be the only 800 pound person who lifts weights 3 times a week and walks 3 miles. But, I am not giving up on me athletically, and I am going to figure out the food thing...dammit!

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MY9STONEJOURNEY 6/26/2012 9:44AM

    I thank you for sharing this!! I love your honesty!! Alot of your thoughts and fears are share by so many!! I know me for sure. So here is to us shaking this funk that we are in and to a AWESOME week ahead!!!

You have done an amazing job! Despite the road blocks and set backs YOU ROCK!!!!

emoticon Steph

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MIZCATHI 6/26/2012 9:31AM

    Our effort to correct what is wrong is a struggle, and there are always many variables in the equation. What were the factors that contributed to the weight gain vs how to change those factors.

At 31 you are in a hurry, that is natural, but when you are my age (58), you look back and see all the time you wasted with excuses and worry.

I'm not saying you are making excuses, because clearly you are staring down at your health and all of your fears and working through them. At 31 I had a million excuses and a thousand tomorrows. I tried, yes, but not hard enough. I wasn't willing to put in the work for long, and now I am paying the piper.

You may have done some damage to your skin, but certainly not to the extent that you will if the weight stays on for another 25 years. Maybe you'll want or need surgery, maybe you won't. However, you will reap the rewards of getting that poison off your body now rather than stewing about the whys and why nots.

The people that love the core you will still love you. The only things that will change as you get closer to your goal self are the traits like determination and your ability to love yourself. You will be forced to accomplish more than you can while you are overweight, and then the real work will begin.

You are a lovely girl. Celebrate who you are now by taking care of yourself and giving yourself positive messages. You may save yourself a lot of heartache down the road.


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ACCT1908 6/26/2012 9:28AM

    I totally get how you are feeling. i feel like I have permanently ruined my body. yes the weight is going...but the aftermath is not pretty.

I look at some people's pix and think wow look how their body bounced back. Mine not so much. But still I'll take it over the weight any day.

If that means no bikini's ever, so be it. Guess it's just a consequence of obesity.

I hope you find peace in your journey soon.

Comment edited on: 6/26/2012 9:28:53 AM

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CHARMED34 6/26/2012 9:20AM

    Because the possibilities are endless, losing weight is terrifying to me as well. I don't know that I am in a position to give any advise, but your honesty is amazing. Your self reflection is what will see you through this time. So much of losing weight for me has been dealing with the things in my mind. Try not to focus on the end result when the fear comes upon you, but on the smaller everyday things that losing weight is helping you to accomplish. emoticon

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HEALTHYASHLEY 6/26/2012 9:15AM

    I am going through so much of these same things. I feel like it is shallow to want to be hot for one time in my life but I am 99% sure I am going to need some type of skin surgery and even then will I look normal? I don't expect to be a bikini model but it would be nice to wear a dress and not feel self conscious. To look in a mirror and be happy at a weight.

You are inspirational and I know you can break this funk. It does suck to feel jiggly but it is better than barely fitting into chairs like I once was. Keep it up.

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Just Another Manic Monday

Monday, June 25, 2012

I'm exhuasted today! Good thing I already got my workout in for the day!

Today's schedule called for laps in the pool, and I got started bright and early at 6:30am. I love swimming in the morning because there's usually not anyone else there to churn the water and make it difficult for me to swim. Halfway through my laps today another girl showed up, but she was a smooth and silent swimmer, so that worked out well. It wasn't until late in the game that another guy showed up with all the same vigor I had for freestyle.

I've moved on to week 2 of the 0 to 1650 program.
For those that don't know, it's a 6-week program designed to have you swimming a mile if you swim 3 times a week. Now I usually only get in 2 swims a week (though that might be changing soon), so it's going to take me a bit longer than 6 weeks, but that's okay by me. I did start to get another one of my pounding monster headaches in the beginning, but I realized it was just lack of oxygen from the push from week 1 to week 2, so I adjusted accordingly (did a few of my laps without using my legs, which helps the body cool down as the quads aren't stealing all your oxygen for kicking).

Today's swim:
200 yards straight
4 x 100 (=400)
2 x 60 (=120)
2 x 40 (=80)
1 x 40
3 x 20 (=60)

I have to adjust for my pool size. The plan calls for 4x50 (which = 200 yards) and 4x25 (which = 100 yards), so I have to adjust it slightly to get the right bang for my buck and still get the yardage I need for the day. Add everything up and you've got 900 yards for this AM, done in about 35 minutes. I did 2 warm up laps (40) and one cool down lap (20) and then some stretching before and after. Felt pretty good. I'm glad I was able to calm down the headache. It's the jump from 100 yards to 200 that just about kills me, but I'm hoping my body adjusts soon and it won't be a problem for long.

Also on course for today has been trying to eat more Paleo-like. I've been having stomach problems for, well, my whole life. I thought eating better (more clean and nutritious and healthy foods) would cause these problems to go away, but they haven't. Even Hubs remarks that he doesn't understand how someone so "healthy" can have so many stomach problems. The two most likely culprits are either grains or dairy. Dairy is the most likely thing I can imagine since both my mother and my son are lactose resistant. I've made no excuses for my love of cheese and other dairy products (I swear I'm like an addict!) so it's been hard to think about not eating dairy any longer, but if it helps my stomach feel better, I'm willing to give up a few things 98% of the time so I can enjoy a 98% stomach-pain-free life!

Note I didn't say 100%. Just the thought of giving dairy (and grains!) up 100% makes me want to eat every slice of bread and cheese in my house until I barf. Which only goes to show that I have a very unhealthy relationship with both. Let's just say yesterday didn't go well as I somehow adopted a "last meal" mentality and landed myself with the most awful stomach ache on record! UGH!

So this morning, I drank a few sips of coffee with soy milk before thinking, "Uhm, no..this isn't how I'm going to start this!" So I poured myself a cup of black coffee, pushed the bagels and cream cheese aside and opted for a 3-egg omelet with mushrooms, and then headed out the door. I just got back from my lunch break where I scoured the market for fresh fruits and veggies and finally located a wonderful salad w/o cheese. And then got back and realized the stuffed pepper soup I got (and adore) has rice in it. D'oh! Well, progress, not perfection, right?! Still going full-speed-ahead on the non-dairy front.

The result thus far? My stomach doesn't hurt right now. Of course, it comes and goes so we shall see, but it's a start. The downside? I basically passed out at my desk after my workout for a few minutes. I was so utterly exhausted it was impossible for me to keep my eyes open. This could mean a few things:

1) I kicked @$$ at my swim today and really worked hard.
2) I didn't properly refuel following my swim.
3) I'm in the 2-week adjustment period for this change, and it's just going to be like that for a bit.
4) I'm just friggin' TIRED because I DID stay up late last night and woke up super early this morning.

The good news is that I can adjust for all of that. Well, except for #1 because being kick@$$ in the gym isn't a bad thing...the other 3 are what need some work.

1) HA!
2) I need to have some form of fruit or something following my swim. I'll try to stick an apple in my gym bag for tomorrow and see if that helps.
3) In 2 weeks it will be over, I hope!
4) Get more stupid sleep! DUH!

So far...
* I didn't really miss my creamer in my coffee. Shock of shocks for me!
* I'm going ahead and eating the soup, even with the rice, but I'm putting the crackers AWAY!
* I have apples, peaches, a salad with almonds, and some sliced fruit (pineapples, apples, oranges, grapes, blackberries) in a fruit cup to get me through the day.

For dinner I know I have some grilled chicken at home. It has a tiny bit of BBQ sauce on it, but I'm just going to have to deal with that for now. Can't let it go to waste! As for veggies? I hate to say it but my fridge is bare of those. I MIGHT have some salad mix, but that's about it. I need to shop for peppers and zucchini and squash because I have got to find a way to fill out my diet if I'm not going to be eating many grains anymore (if at all). I'll likely have to stop off at the grocery store on my way home, but I'll deal with it.

I need to find:
* A LOT more ideas for veggies! I'm going to give roasted Brussells sprouts a try again. I've got the roasted asparagus (NOM!) down, and I do a mean roasted parm zucchini (will have to leave off the parm now and find some good spices to add in there). Other than that? I've been a white potato girl my whole life and it's harder than hell to accept that those things aren't good for me and need to be an exception, not a rule. This is where I have stalled in my clean eating ventures EVERY SINGLE TIME. I can only eat so much salad!
* I also need to get some more spinach and frozen fruit, as I plan on adding a smoothie into my morning routine. I got some coconut water earlier so I can sub that in for the milk I used to add to it. We'll see how that works out.

If you have ideas for me, leave 'em! Otherwise, I had best get back to work! Lots of website updating to do and some cases to work on either opening or closing! Have a good Monday!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGIRL06 6/27/2012 7:48PM

    Oh where to start...
1. Did I tell you I bought a bathing suit and am thinking about joining the school gym that has a pool?! I could use that program you are following...
2. It took me a while to get the hang of Paleo too. I would be like "oh crap this has got some-not-allowed-food in it!" and I would eat it anyway because starvation sucks.
3. It usually takes 3-4 hours for my digestive system to react to a "bad" food.
4. You said coffee. I want coffee...
5. Get some veggies girl!!!


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MUSOLF6 6/25/2012 7:34PM


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BAYBELIEVER 6/25/2012 2:12PM

    Sounds like a great way to start off your week! Let's rock this! July is coming!

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 6/25/2012 1:39PM

    Nicely done on your swim. Hopefully the tired will go away shortly, but deserved after your amazing swim. Do you take a multivitamin in the monring, it might help with energy later in the day?

If you're grilling aspargus, go ahead and grill some pine apple too.

Kabobs are always fun and can throw on tomatoes, onions, peppers, pinapple and protiens.

I'm also a big fan of steamed artichokes, but depending on the season, those can get expensive (currently 2 for $4 at my Krogers) but I like food that takes a while to eat, since I won't eat past being full.

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GUITARWOMAN 6/25/2012 12:30PM


I too have a lot of stomach problems, after many years and painful tests, I was diagnosed with Irritable bowel syndrome...thank goodness it is nothing worse.

I have found that losing weight allowed me to get off Imodium and generally I feel better. But some days...boy or boy. There is an emotional element here as well. My feelings are expressed in my stomach for sure.

Have you been tested for food intolerances? Might make it easier to manage your diet.

One thing, do you chew sugarless gum? The sorbitol in it can set me off. And although I love sugarless candies (Baskin and Robins chocolate mint, yum) they do not love me and I have to stay away from them.


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