Thursday, June 21, 2012
Finally back after a week and a half. I apologize for the absence but I felt the need to take some time away for me, so I let myself relax and recharge and I'm feeling a bit better now.
My trip to DC went alright. Minus one meltdown in my training class because the instructor wanted to talk circles around a very important issue and basically wanted to negate an entire CHUNK of my work from his implications...whatever. That and a rather testy woman at training soured the trip a bit for me.
Well, that and not feeling well.
I'm not sure what exactly it was, although friends and family have their own suggestions (stress, being overworked, etc.), but I often came back from training, collapsed on the bed and felt like I couldn't move from that spot all night. I worked out very little. I got in the pool once, on Monday morning, but my legs and arms felt like lead and I did a few pathetic laps before just giving in and going back to my room. I didn't even step foot in the gym. So much for my "Balls to the Wall General Esther Week".
Instead, I spent a lot of time reflecting, relaxing, and hurting and sick. Not really fun.
But I still got some activity in. For one, I walk about 1/2 a mile a day, from my hotel to training and back, when I'm there. I also took a long walk on Sunday (probably put in a good 2 miles at least), put in a bit of a walk Wednesday night to and from the restaurant to meet up with my girl, B, and then Thursday night when I stepped out to get a few more gifts for my boys and a cupcake. So, yes, I did some walking. Not near as much as I usually do, but each day I felt exhausted and sore and tired and my legs were hurting like crazy. It honestly felt like I was starting again at day one because I had little to no energy or stamina...which is odd considering I haven't taken a bunch of time off or anything. Basically, it just seemed like my body was trying to tell me it was done, it needed a break, and it protested time and time again. And I gave in. Finally.
Of course, now I have the difficult challenge of getting myself back in the game so I don't get lost, so...yeah...that's what I'll be working on for a bit.
As for food while I was there? I did reasonably well. I ate the breakfast provided, usually scrambled eggs, a piece of wheat toast with jelly, some sort of breakfast meat and a few potatoes. I drank coffee...more and more as the week went on. I had two more sinful drinks at Starbucks and the rest of the time stuck to black coffee with half and half and Splenda. (I'm actually quite proud of that one...I used to have 2-3 mocha latte whatevers a DAY when I was in DC. This time I had one Mocha Coconut Latte with Soy and one Iced Vanilla Soy Latte the entire week.) I did have 2 vegan cupcakes (okay, that wasn't the best idea...next time I will only buy one to make sure I only eat one). I usually packed my lunch each day - a wheat bagel, one side with cream cheese, the other with peanut butter, and some yogurt with blueberries and granola. Typically I'd have a "taco" then when I got back to my hotel after training - flour tortilla with the black bean puree, a bit of light sour cream, and the chicken/pepper/mushroom stuff I made up on Sunday when I got there -- with peppers and mushrooms FRESH from the Farmer's Market!). Dinner was usually whatever was provided. Sometimes I found myself going back for more, but because I was still hungry, not because I was mindlessly overeating. There was meatloaf and mashed potatoes one night, hamburgers (veggie and regular) and salad another night. I missed the Chicken Ceasar Salad night because I was out with B.
Out with B. Hrm. *remembers back*
Probably the BEST experience of my entire trip. It usually is. We have a great time and 2-3 hours passes like it's 10 minutes. This time she turned me on to Strongbow Cider at an Irish-Style Pub. Remember how I said I don't generally drink?! Yea, I totally did. I think I had 3...or 4. Either way, the metro was making me dizzy and I had to make a genuine effort to stay away from the red dots on the floor because I was deathly afraid I was going to fall right on to the tracks. For dinner I had a chicken philly type sandwich and some duck fat fries, which, yes, were amazing and wonderful and I don't feel guilty about that at all. *lol* And after I left the Pub to return to my hotel I got hit on by 2 HOT lobbyists before having a rather lengthy and interesting conversation with a 12 year old Girl Scout from California. Yeah, it was an interesting night...the very best kind.
Oh, and then there was the sushi on Thursday night. Which I also don't regret. I have 3 "must do"s when I go to DC.
1) Meet with B
2) Red Velvet Cupcake
All in all, I think the week was a wash. Came back and weighed in the next day at 311 (about 4 pounds up), but my body fat % reading was down about 1/2 a percentage point. *shrug* I can't tell you why...I didn't even work out. No clue where I am now, but I don't have high hopes for tomorrow's weigh-in. Let's just say I haven't been much following any plan. And I haven't been feeling that great either. I'm having some pains in my lower abdomen that I'm just not sure how to correct or even what it is. I do have a BC shot due tomorrow, so maybe that's part of it, but I'm really not sure. I just know it hurts...and I'm exhausted like ALL THE TIME. Trying to break out of it though. I spent the last 3 days basically on the couch "resting" after coming back from a rather botched trip to my Mother's house to pick up my boys (we were supposed to stay several days and do a bunch of things, we ended up staying one night and doing nothing).
Anyhow, time to move on. Need to hit the gym tonight and tomorrow to get my 2 swipes for the week. Did have a great time swimming at the lake yesterday and certainly noticed improved stamina there, so that was nice. Weigh-in tomorrow that I'm not looking forward to, and then we continue on.
The plan, again (to remind myself).
2400 calories a day
Work out 3-5 times a week
Try to get 2 ST sessions in per week and 3 cardio sessions
Oh, side note. I quit my second job. Long story, but I'm not doing that any more. Doesn't mean I have completely free weekends now - going to have to bump up the couponing in order to save the money I'm losing from not working the second job, but at least that's on my own time.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
I think that was the smoothest flight, taxi ride, and check-in of my travel time here the past few years. It helped that I wasn't in a rush so I felt I could just take my time with each step. Also helped that my seat belt buckled without a problem. ;) Checked in at the hotel early and then took off to find the Eastern Market. They were supposed to have a farmer's market outside until 5pm today, so around 1pm I took off and walked the 1.5 miles using the GPS on my phone as a guide.
The market was great! I wish we had something like this at home. It was like a huge street fair with tons of vendors selling all kinds of things. And the samples...oh, the samples!! YUM! I hadn't eaten since 8am, so I ended up munching on a chunk of white peach, a slice of yellow peach, and a bit of garlic and chives hummus on a chip and a bit of medium fresh salsa on a chip. NOM! It was enough to hold me over...and the peaches were so friggin' amazing that I bought 2 to bring back to the hotel with me! (Yellow ones, not the white, which were kinda meh...) I then walked a little more and found the little flea market area. I'd already finished the water I had on the walk there and it's so hot out today that I needed something else, but I didn't feel like junk food or sugary lemonade or anything. I eventually passed by a stand and the words "Iced Green Tea" caught my eye. It was great. Just enough flavor to not be straight water, but not overly flavored. I added a bit of Splenda and it was perfect to cool me down and rehydrate me.
By then, I'd walked a mile and a half and it was HOT...and I still needed to go to the grocery store. Before I left the market I found a big mixed bag with two huge peppers (one red, one yellow) and a bunch of mushrooms for $4! It was exactly what I wanted! But I needed protein, and the walk back was LONG and hot...so I hopped on the subway and found my way back to the safeway near my hotel and got chicken breast, reduced fat sour cream, tortilla shells, low sodium taco seasoning, black beans puree (instead of refried beans), olive oil cooking spray - and my two "dirty" picks = a slice of triple chocolate mousse cake and some tomato basil bisque (SO good!). I walked (1/2 a mile maybe?) back and collapsed on the bed.
And now I'm bored.
Ate a peach. YUM!
Ate my slice of cake. Yeah,. that was pretty good too.
And now I'm just sitting here wishing I had the energy to swim but knowing my legs feel like jello right now...maybe later?
So...off to a good start. A two hour hike for healthy groceries.
Now what?! *lol*
Friday, June 08, 2012
June 1st - Weigh-in and take all measurements with tape measure and body fat % tool (should be arriving at my doorstep today). Probably headed out of town this night to head up to M'town for the wedding and to meet with my mom. -- (Food) 3279 (Workout) None
Net = 2608
2nd - Will be either traveling there and back or just traveling back after being at Mom's resort. There is pool access and MIGHT be access to a gym. If not, there are always roads to walk/run, although my foot hurts today and I won't want to stress it with a run if it doesn't feel good this weekend. (Food) 3279 (Workout) Swim or Run or Something
(Workout) 574 calorie lap swim at resort's fitness center lap pool
Net = 2429
3rd - No clue if I have to work at Kroger. Need to cook, clean, do groceries and coupon. (Food) 2821 (Workout) None
Net = 2098
4th - Back to work! And the gym (if needed). (Food) 1789 (Workout) ST (30m)
Net = 2671
* A little bummed I didn't do my ST routine, but I did use my lunch break to go grocery shopping for my lunches for the week which turned out to be a GREAT idea as my work food consumption was pretty good.
5th - (Food) 1789 (Workout) 6am Lap Swim (2 laps, rest for 12 breaths x 10 = 400 yards)
(Workout) 492 calorie lap swim at the pool (I've progressed more than I expected)
Net = 2475
6th - (Food) 1789 (Workout) ST (30m)
(Workout) 170 calories from 24 minutes of ST on lunch break
Net = 2370
7th - (Food) 1789 (Workout) 6am Lap Swim (2 laps, rest for 12 x 10 = 400)
(Workout) 410 calorie lap swim (again, progressed more than expected)
Net = 2437
Weight on June 1st: 309.8
Weight on June 8th: 307.2
Body Fat % on June 1st: 47.1%
Body Fat % on June 8th: 47.3%
Average net calories for the week = 2441
Okay, so I guess I didn't do quite as bad as I had thought all week. Of course many of these are best guess estimates, but still...my TDEE is supposed to be around 3300, my BMR around 2140, so I ate in between that on average every week, which is what I'm supposed to be doing.
So I'm going to try to stick to that number through the week. 2440 is a good number...let's see if it's MY number for weight loss right now.
I know my body fat % went up .2%, but I measured at a different time last week, so I'm not too awful worried about that.
A note on my weekly workouts -
I LOVE swimming and I'm so glad I finally have a place to do laps. Hoping I get some alone time in the hotel pool next week so I can keep it up. Only one ST session and three swims this week, but my body is SORE SORE SORE - especially in the legs, abs, and shoulders/chest area, which is probably a credit both to the ST AND the swimming I'm doing.
The plan for next week -
Keep it up! Try to average 2440 for each day in the week. Try not to be so hard on myself. Really enjoy my time and if I eat a little more, I know I have time to workout a little more as I will have a LOT of time to myself this week.
General Mode B2W
8th - Weigh-in and body fat measurements to be taken. LAUNDRY AND PACK!!! 5h15m at second job (6p - 11:15p). - (Food) 1789 (Workout) None
9th - PACK!!!!!! 5.5h at 2nd job (6:30p - 12a) - (Food) 1789 (Workout) Run
10th - Leave on the plane for DC around 10am. Hope to shop for healthy groceries for the week and get tons of fresh local veggies and fruits at the local farmer's market. Will be in the hotel most of the day after shopping for supplies. - (Food) 2821 (Workout) Swim (Week 2 - Day One of 0 to 1650 program)
11th - In DC, first day of training - (Food) 3279 (Workout) ST (30m)
12th - In DC, second day of training - (Food) 1789 (Workout) Swim (Week 2 - Day 2 of 0 to 1650)
13th - In DC, third day of training. May meet a friend for dinner or grab some sushi out in Chinatown by myself if she's unavailable. - (Food) 3279 (Workout) ST (30m)
14th - In DC, fourth day of training - (Food) 1789 (Workout) Swim (Week 2 - Day 3 of 0 to 1650)
15th - In DC, last day of training. Will be taking a flight back home and won't be home until around 7pm. There will be travel food this day as it is unavoidable unless I simply do not eat. Thankfully, DC airports have many choices, and some of them reasonably healthy. - (Food) 1789 (Workout) None
Thursday, June 07, 2012
No, seriously, my eye has been twitching for days...off and on anyhow. Honestly, the last time it twitched this much was Tuesday...which was the last time I swam. Maybe that means something, or maybe it doesn't.
Laps this morning in what I now have determined is a 25 meter pool (and if I'm wrong, I don't really give a crap *lol*). Just happy I got my butt out the door this AM to get it in. The pool in the morning is a joyous thing because I get it all to myself. I can't wait until my swimming workouts get a little longer, though, as I got to work this morning 20 minutes early. *facepalm* If you work a 10-hour-day, you don't want to add an extra 20 minutes onto it if not necessary, ya know?!
Today's Swim Workout:
100m warm-up, various strokes
4 x 100m, rest for 12 between 100s
4 x 50m, rest for 8 between 50s
4 x 25m, rest for 4 between 25s
50m cool down and a good long stretch
Total distance: 850m
Total time: about 25 minutes
I think I've finally hit my grove here and I'm really loving it. I even love that I smell like pool the entire rest of the day because of my morning swims. It's like taking a little badge along with me that says, "I Worked Out Today!" and it makes me feel happy and proud all day.
Only little sour bit this AM was that I got a cramp in my foot in my second to last workout lap. I stretched as much as I could in the pool but it followed me to the showers. Took my entire shower to work the stupid cramp out of my right foot, but I'm sure the stretching (both in the pool and in the shower) helped a lot. Maybe I need to stretch a little more before my swim. I do a bit, but probably not enough. It still doesn't feel like much of a workout, so it just seems strange to think of it in these terms and worry about stretches, warming up, cooling down, etc.
As for my food. *sigh* What can I say? Every single night this week I've fallen apart and binged a bit. This is either because my eating plan isn't working physically for my body and I get really hungry OR because I'm mentally a wreck. I have a feeling it might be both. Making a few MINOR adjustments this week and just calling this week another week of metabolism recovery. It shouldn't mean a huge gain on the scale, but I don't expect a loss either. Would be nice to get a little bit, but I'm not holding my breath. Besides, who is to say that any loss I do get isn't part of this up-down-up-down plateau I'm on?
FYI people - plateaus are HARD.
One month is not a plateau.
Talk to me after 2 months and I might be able to hear you.
Come to me when it's 6 months or more and we can cry together.
A half a year is a long time to stick with something you feel isn't working. (Even though you know it is, just not the way you want it to.)
I thought of going for a run when I got home last night. I had already walked to the gym at lunch and got in a quick ST workout during my lunch break, but I had heard it was National Running Day and I thought it might be nice. By the time I ate my dinner and had my little bingefest, I totally forgot. Actually, no, I remembered, and pushed the thought away and stuck my butt on the couch and didn't move. For whatever reason, I wasn't mentally up for a run last night. (I think I was afraid I wouldn't be able to or it would hurt and I'd be back to where I was again. Going to have to get over this fear eventually (read: Saturday), but for last night I crawled into a ball and pretended I didn't want to run.)
As for my ST yesterday?
I have no program or plan.
Basically because I wasn't sure what equipment they had at this gym.
So I just went over to wing it and pulled out some sets on a Lying Leg Press Machine (okay, this thing is weird...more squat than leg press...but a squat on your back - I couldn't lift as heavy as my leg press with legs in the air, but it felt like a great workout), Wide-Grip Lat Pulldowns, Ab Twist Machine, the two Hip Machines (you know what I'm talking about), and a few sets of Leg Extensions and Chest Presses. I'm a bit bummed that there is no squat rack at this gym, but I can work this for a bit and still get results, I know that.
Tomorrow is weigh in and measure day. Tomorrow will have been one week of trying. I did a lot of good this week, and some bad, but all this just means there is room for improvement. On the whole, I'd love to say my headspace is clearing up, but you can tell from yesterday's blog that it's really not...I'm just pushing through. I'm just hoping that if I stick to it for 8 full weeks, this plan will help me break the plateau. If not, I hate to say this, but I might be lost. I may take a month off and just let myself heal from the scars I've built up the past few months of hating my body for not doing what I'm trying to make it do. I might need some time to heal from feeling like a failure. And, let's face it, my body might just need a good long break to deal with itself so it can lose again. I'm not saying that's the plan. The plan right now is to stick to it these 8 weeks and see what happens...but I have "What if it still doesn't work?" in my head following me around daily.
Ending on a happy note -- my hairs are getting cut on Saturday! Yay! It's been since February and I'm ready to go back to short for summer (also because it will make putting my swim cap on that much easier! *lol*). Honestly, I'm mostly just looking forward to them thinning it out and straightening it (as I haven't had time to do this in MONTHS!).
Wednesday, June 06, 2012
NOTE: This is a brain dump from someone who is struggling. Like most of my recent blogs, I guess. And I suspect that will mean that you won't enjoy reading it, so please don't feel obligated to. I know I'm not the most pleasant person to be around right now, but I'm hoping that I'll pull myself out of it soon. I will tell you though, all this mental crap is totally tied to the non-progress I feel on the scale. Whether you think that's wrong or right doesn't matter, because whether or not I like it myself, it's severely affecting my sense of self right now. I live in this society with all of you and my weight makes me akin to lepers by this society's standards - so it is any wonder that I feel that way sometimes?
Crazy stupid dream last night involving me, my husband, and some other couple who were hot and gorgeous (especially the woman). I woke up and tried to brush the whole thing off, but the one thought that woke me up just wouldn't leave me -- I will never look good naked. I ended up crying in the shower and while I dressed for work. Sometimes this is the battle I have with myself to continue. It's my "what's the point" moment. It's my "all is already lost" conflict in my head. This was a very difficult morning.
And no doubt part of my loss of confidence has been from my slip-ups each night this week. I must say that I'm doing much better right now than I was the past few weeks, but it's not the determination and drive and stick-to-it-ness that I once had and it's been weighing down my mind with guilt and shame. And each morning I get up and try to be better. Hopefully today will be the day I finally break through. Each day I hope that, but I really do hope my day is coming soon. Because I know if I keep trying each day, one day I will break my cycle again and pull myself back up and out and be on my way with the drive and determination I know I have in me. I just have to get through that first day and go to bed proud of myself.
I'll keep trying.
Other things on my mind?
I had been seriously looking forward to going to the amusement park on Monday when I get back from DC, and then last night the plans started to change. Mom would rather do something else, and me? Well, just like a 5-year-old, I want all of it. I want to try to do both. The outdoor drama she wants to do on Monday and then the amusement park on Tuesday. This is the only thing I'll have this year resembling a vacation, so I really do want to enjoy it and make some great memories...but I can tell Hubs isn't really into it...and that makes me want to just forget the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, he's agreed to go, but little comments he makes tell me that he's only doing it because he wants to make me happy. This is a regular theme with us and I wish we could get past it because I always plan the trips and activities, and he never wants to do them, but he always has fun doing them just the same and brags about them to his friends when it's over. Yet, the whole time we're doing said activity, I worry that I'm not keeping him entertained and he'd rather do what HE wanted to do, which is always just relax and chill at home or something else I'd otherwise consider quite boring.
No clue on what we'll do yet, but my stomach is in knots over it.
Not only because I don't know what to do, but because even doing what I want to do is going to be scary for me. I haven't been to an amusement park since I was about 16 years old...and I gained a lot of weight between then and becoming an adult and just figured it was best if I didn't go. When we went to Disney World in 2004 before I started losing my weight, I actually researched which rides I might be able to squeeze into (and found a wonderful site for it!) but I'm not finding anything like that for King's Island and I'm terrified. I want to try to ride a ride - just one - just to see if I can. But I'm unsure.
I THINK I'm the same size, if not smaller, than I was in high school when I was able to ride them, but then I'm not so sure about that because the size of jeans between 1999 and today have changed SO much with vanity sizing (don't kid yourself, they all do it now) - plus the fit is SO different nowadays so I have really no clue if this size is the same, even if my weight is still a bit higher. And I can buckle nearly every plane seatbelt now (the last time there was one tiny little turboprop - and I mean TINY - that required an extender, but just barely...I think I might be able to buckle them all now), so I'm thinking that's a sign that I might be able to ride without problem. But airplane seat belts are not roller coasters and that's like comparing apples to oranges maybe. So, yeah, I'm nervous because I could get there and try and then have to do the walk of shame. And I'm more scared about my soul being hurt than my pride. I can take the humiliation - I've lived with it most of my life and have gotten pretty good at toughening up and reminding myself that the people around me don't know me and I won't see them again so it doesn't matter - but I don't know if I could take the hurt to my soul from realizing I'm not as far along as I say I am.
But I want to conquer that fear.
Because I won't know until I try.
But I'm scared.
And next week is my DC trip and I'm both sad and happy that I'm going alone. Part of me thinks about all the sleep I can catch up on, about spending hours in the hotel gym doing whatever the hell I think might help me fall over the side of this stupid plateau. Time for myself is something I very seldom get, so a week of it should prove great for my mind, heart and soul, right?! Maybe. I'm scared I'll be bored out of my mind and sad that my Hubs and kids aren't there...that there isn't ANYONE to share it with. Because I'd love to make friends with my classmates and be invited out to drinks, but I never seem to be in the loop on these things and I wonder what it is about me that makes other people just not want to befriend me. Perhaps I'm just someone people don't care to get to know. The last time I was there I was invited out for drinks. The time before that, I simply wasn't. The entire group went, and I didn't go, and I can't remember if I rejected the invitation (because my kids and Hubs were there with me at the time) or I simply wasn't invited. And I'm starting to worry that I'm either not a good friend or else just not good at making friends.
I'm doubting myself a lot lately.
I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted, but...I'm a bit lost.
Nothing is going as I planned. And, boy, can I plan!
And I just don't know how other people do it.
How do they just let people in?
How do they make friends so easily?
How do they keep them?
I felt a part of something for a while, but now I'm back to feeling like I'm on the outside looking in.
I guess this is the mental part they tell us all about.
I feel like all I've done for 2 years is work on the mental part and I'm sick to death of being mental all the time. (pun intended)
I'm having a lot of self-doubt and I don't know how to feel okay with myself or proud of myself any longer.
When my weightloss stalled, I felt like my entire life came to a huge halt.
I was doing something great, and now I'm just spinning my wheels.
And I say all this not knowing what this week holds for me weight and body fat % wise but not having a lot of hope of good things because every single night this week I've fallen apart somehow. And if you want to move forward, you can't keep putting your tail between your legs and running back to the start every day. You have to keep moving forward by taking one step beyond the last one you took before - but lately I just feel myself retreating because I don't want to fight for something I can never have. I don't want to be disappointed yet again in life. Everything I was told to do to get what I wanted I have done. And every time it has ended in my crushed hopes and dreams. I was just hoping this was one thing I could actually win. But I'm so scared of failing that I'm not ready just yet to try to succeed. Because I don't want to be disappointed in myself. I don't want other people to be disappointed in me either. And I often feel like I'm just giving in to what they expected of me anyhow. No one expected this to last. No one thought I could break the cycle that started 2 generations ago without outside help, which many in my family have turned to. I'm the only one trying to do this on my own the hard way, and I'm the one who isn't having any success - which just may prove that they're right and there is no hope. Or it may just prove that I'm not up to the challenge.
And I'm feeling quite abandoned by friends both here and IRL. Which is probably my fault somehow because I disappointed them by not being what they wanted me to be. And I don't know whether I should just be okay with that - because why change who you are so that other people like you? But shouldn't we change the bad things about ourselves so that we become better people? And how can SO many people be wrong and I'm right? That's not usually the case. If 50 people are telling you that there's something wrong with you out of 60...well, maybe there's something to that.
I'm a friggin' mess!
ST workout today at lunch. No excuses this time. I have no love for it right now, but I will figure out a plan of action and will get in as much ST as I can on my break. Maybe that will help me make it over the hump.
I'll go back and update my Week 1 blog with yesterday's stats, which probably aren't very pretty. Hell, at least I swam, right?! I did something right, at least. *sigh* Too bad "not too bad" doesn't get me ANYWHERE these days.
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