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An Eye Twitchin' Good Time

Thursday, June 07, 2012

No, seriously, my eye has been twitching for and on anyhow. Honestly, the last time it twitched this much was Tuesday...which was the last time I swam. Maybe that means something, or maybe it doesn't.

Laps this morning in what I now have determined is a 25 meter pool (and if I'm wrong, I don't really give a crap *lol*). Just happy I got my butt out the door this AM to get it in. The pool in the morning is a joyous thing because I get it all to myself. I can't wait until my swimming workouts get a little longer, though, as I got to work this morning 20 minutes early. *facepalm* If you work a 10-hour-day, you don't want to add an extra 20 minutes onto it if not necessary, ya know?!

Today's Swim Workout:

100m warm-up, various strokes
4 x 100m, rest for 12 between 100s
4 x 50m, rest for 8 between 50s
4 x 25m, rest for 4 between 25s
50m cool down and a good long stretch

Total distance: 850m
Total time: about 25 minutes

I think I've finally hit my grove here and I'm really loving it. I even love that I smell like pool the entire rest of the day because of my morning swims. It's like taking a little badge along with me that says, "I Worked Out Today!" and it makes me feel happy and proud all day.

Only little sour bit this AM was that I got a cramp in my foot in my second to last workout lap. I stretched as much as I could in the pool but it followed me to the showers. Took my entire shower to work the stupid cramp out of my right foot, but I'm sure the stretching (both in the pool and in the shower) helped a lot. Maybe I need to stretch a little more before my swim. I do a bit, but probably not enough. It still doesn't feel like much of a workout, so it just seems strange to think of it in these terms and worry about stretches, warming up, cooling down, etc.

As for my food. *sigh* What can I say? Every single night this week I've fallen apart and binged a bit. This is either because my eating plan isn't working physically for my body and I get really hungry OR because I'm mentally a wreck. I have a feeling it might be both. Making a few MINOR adjustments this week and just calling this week another week of metabolism recovery. It shouldn't mean a huge gain on the scale, but I don't expect a loss either. Would be nice to get a little bit, but I'm not holding my breath. Besides, who is to say that any loss I do get isn't part of this up-down-up-down plateau I'm on?

FYI people - plateaus are HARD.
One month is not a plateau.
Talk to me after 2 months and I might be able to hear you.
Come to me when it's 6 months or more and we can cry together.
A half a year is a long time to stick with something you feel isn't working. (Even though you know it is, just not the way you want it to.)

I thought of going for a run when I got home last night. I had already walked to the gym at lunch and got in a quick ST workout during my lunch break, but I had heard it was National Running Day and I thought it might be nice. By the time I ate my dinner and had my little bingefest, I totally forgot. Actually, no, I remembered, and pushed the thought away and stuck my butt on the couch and didn't move. For whatever reason, I wasn't mentally up for a run last night. (I think I was afraid I wouldn't be able to or it would hurt and I'd be back to where I was again. Going to have to get over this fear eventually (read: Saturday), but for last night I crawled into a ball and pretended I didn't want to run.)

As for my ST yesterday?
I have no program or plan.
Basically because I wasn't sure what equipment they had at this gym.
So I just went over to wing it and pulled out some sets on a Lying Leg Press Machine (okay, this thing is weird...more squat than leg press...but a squat on your back - I couldn't lift as heavy as my leg press with legs in the air, but it felt like a great workout), Wide-Grip Lat Pulldowns, Ab Twist Machine, the two Hip Machines (you know what I'm talking about), and a few sets of Leg Extensions and Chest Presses. I'm a bit bummed that there is no squat rack at this gym, but I can work this for a bit and still get results, I know that.

Tomorrow is weigh in and measure day. Tomorrow will have been one week of trying. I did a lot of good this week, and some bad, but all this just means there is room for improvement. On the whole, I'd love to say my headspace is clearing up, but you can tell from yesterday's blog that it's really not...I'm just pushing through. I'm just hoping that if I stick to it for 8 full weeks, this plan will help me break the plateau. If not, I hate to say this, but I might be lost. I may take a month off and just let myself heal from the scars I've built up the past few months of hating my body for not doing what I'm trying to make it do. I might need some time to heal from feeling like a failure. And, let's face it, my body might just need a good long break to deal with itself so it can lose again. I'm not saying that's the plan. The plan right now is to stick to it these 8 weeks and see what happens...but I have "What if it still doesn't work?" in my head following me around daily.

Ending on a happy note -- my hairs are getting cut on Saturday! Yay! It's been since February and I'm ready to go back to short for summer (also because it will make putting my swim cap on that much easier! *lol*). Honestly, I'm mostly just looking forward to them thinning it out and straightening it (as I haven't had time to do this in MONTHS!).

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGIRL06 6/27/2012 7:29PM

    Oy don't even talk to me about platueas. I feel ya there! I hadn't lost weight since December 2010. Finally I broke through! It takes hard work and sometimes it takes more but what that "more" is can be tricky!
PS. Here comes the comment bomb! BBbbrrrrrmmmmm ::BAM:: (that was a rocket flying in and exploding just so you know, lol)

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Soaked...and Random Thoughts

Wednesday, June 06, 2012

NOTE: This is a brain dump from someone who is struggling. Like most of my recent blogs, I guess. And I suspect that will mean that you won't enjoy reading it, so please don't feel obligated to. I know I'm not the most pleasant person to be around right now, but I'm hoping that I'll pull myself out of it soon. I will tell you though, all this mental crap is totally tied to the non-progress I feel on the scale. Whether you think that's wrong or right doesn't matter, because whether or not I like it myself, it's severely affecting my sense of self right now. I live in this society with all of you and my weight makes me akin to lepers by this society's standards - so it is any wonder that I feel that way sometimes?

Crazy stupid dream last night involving me, my husband, and some other couple who were hot and gorgeous (especially the woman). I woke up and tried to brush the whole thing off, but the one thought that woke me up just wouldn't leave me -- I will never look good naked. I ended up crying in the shower and while I dressed for work. Sometimes this is the battle I have with myself to continue. It's my "what's the point" moment. It's my "all is already lost" conflict in my head. This was a very difficult morning.

And no doubt part of my loss of confidence has been from my slip-ups each night this week. I must say that I'm doing much better right now than I was the past few weeks, but it's not the determination and drive and stick-to-it-ness that I once had and it's been weighing down my mind with guilt and shame. And each morning I get up and try to be better. Hopefully today will be the day I finally break through. Each day I hope that, but I really do hope my day is coming soon. Because I know if I keep trying each day, one day I will break my cycle again and pull myself back up and out and be on my way with the drive and determination I know I have in me. I just have to get through that first day and go to bed proud of myself.

I'll keep trying.
Maybe today.

Other things on my mind?

I had been seriously looking forward to going to the amusement park on Monday when I get back from DC, and then last night the plans started to change. Mom would rather do something else, and me? Well, just like a 5-year-old, I want all of it. I want to try to do both. The outdoor drama she wants to do on Monday and then the amusement park on Tuesday. This is the only thing I'll have this year resembling a vacation, so I really do want to enjoy it and make some great memories...but I can tell Hubs isn't really into it...and that makes me want to just forget the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, he's agreed to go, but little comments he makes tell me that he's only doing it because he wants to make me happy. This is a regular theme with us and I wish we could get past it because I always plan the trips and activities, and he never wants to do them, but he always has fun doing them just the same and brags about them to his friends when it's over. Yet, the whole time we're doing said activity, I worry that I'm not keeping him entertained and he'd rather do what HE wanted to do, which is always just relax and chill at home or something else I'd otherwise consider quite boring.

No clue on what we'll do yet, but my stomach is in knots over it.

Not only because I don't know what to do, but because even doing what I want to do is going to be scary for me. I haven't been to an amusement park since I was about 16 years old...and I gained a lot of weight between then and becoming an adult and just figured it was best if I didn't go. When we went to Disney World in 2004 before I started losing my weight, I actually researched which rides I might be able to squeeze into (and found a wonderful site for it!) but I'm not finding anything like that for King's Island and I'm terrified. I want to try to ride a ride - just one - just to see if I can. But I'm unsure.

I THINK I'm the same size, if not smaller, than I was in high school when I was able to ride them, but then I'm not so sure about that because the size of jeans between 1999 and today have changed SO much with vanity sizing (don't kid yourself, they all do it now) - plus the fit is SO different nowadays so I have really no clue if this size is the same, even if my weight is still a bit higher. And I can buckle nearly every plane seatbelt now (the last time there was one tiny little turboprop - and I mean TINY - that required an extender, but just barely...I think I might be able to buckle them all now), so I'm thinking that's a sign that I might be able to ride without problem. But airplane seat belts are not roller coasters and that's like comparing apples to oranges maybe. So, yeah, I'm nervous because I could get there and try and then have to do the walk of shame. And I'm more scared about my soul being hurt than my pride. I can take the humiliation - I've lived with it most of my life and have gotten pretty good at toughening up and reminding myself that the people around me don't know me and I won't see them again so it doesn't matter - but I don't know if I could take the hurt to my soul from realizing I'm not as far along as I say I am.

But I want to conquer that fear.
Because I won't know until I try.
But I'm scared.

And next week is my DC trip and I'm both sad and happy that I'm going alone. Part of me thinks about all the sleep I can catch up on, about spending hours in the hotel gym doing whatever the hell I think might help me fall over the side of this stupid plateau. Time for myself is something I very seldom get, so a week of it should prove great for my mind, heart and soul, right?! Maybe. I'm scared I'll be bored out of my mind and sad that my Hubs and kids aren't there...that there isn't ANYONE to share it with. Because I'd love to make friends with my classmates and be invited out to drinks, but I never seem to be in the loop on these things and I wonder what it is about me that makes other people just not want to befriend me. Perhaps I'm just someone people don't care to get to know. The last time I was there I was invited out for drinks. The time before that, I simply wasn't. The entire group went, and I didn't go, and I can't remember if I rejected the invitation (because my kids and Hubs were there with me at the time) or I simply wasn't invited. And I'm starting to worry that I'm either not a good friend or else just not good at making friends.

I'm doubting myself a lot lately.
I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted, but...I'm a bit lost.

Nothing is going as I planned. And, boy, can I plan!
And I just don't know how other people do it.
How do they just let people in?
How do they make friends so easily?
How do they keep them?

I felt a part of something for a while, but now I'm back to feeling like I'm on the outside looking in.
I guess this is the mental part they tell us all about.
I feel like all I've done for 2 years is work on the mental part and I'm sick to death of being mental all the time. (pun intended)
I'm having a lot of self-doubt and I don't know how to feel okay with myself or proud of myself any longer.

When my weightloss stalled, I felt like my entire life came to a huge halt.
I was doing something great, and now I'm just spinning my wheels.

And I say all this not knowing what this week holds for me weight and body fat % wise but not having a lot of hope of good things because every single night this week I've fallen apart somehow. And if you want to move forward, you can't keep putting your tail between your legs and running back to the start every day. You have to keep moving forward by taking one step beyond the last one you took before - but lately I just feel myself retreating because I don't want to fight for something I can never have. I don't want to be disappointed yet again in life. Everything I was told to do to get what I wanted I have done. And every time it has ended in my crushed hopes and dreams. I was just hoping this was one thing I could actually win. But I'm so scared of failing that I'm not ready just yet to try to succeed. Because I don't want to be disappointed in myself. I don't want other people to be disappointed in me either. And I often feel like I'm just giving in to what they expected of me anyhow. No one expected this to last. No one thought I could break the cycle that started 2 generations ago without outside help, which many in my family have turned to. I'm the only one trying to do this on my own the hard way, and I'm the one who isn't having any success - which just may prove that they're right and there is no hope. Or it may just prove that I'm not up to the challenge.

And I'm feeling quite abandoned by friends both here and IRL. Which is probably my fault somehow because I disappointed them by not being what they wanted me to be. And I don't know whether I should just be okay with that - because why change who you are so that other people like you? But shouldn't we change the bad things about ourselves so that we become better people? And how can SO many people be wrong and I'm right? That's not usually the case. If 50 people are telling you that there's something wrong with you out of 60...well, maybe there's something to that.


I'm a friggin' mess!

ST workout today at lunch. No excuses this time. I have no love for it right now, but I will figure out a plan of action and will get in as much ST as I can on my break. Maybe that will help me make it over the hump.

I'll go back and update my Week 1 blog with yesterday's stats, which probably aren't very pretty. Hell, at least I swam, right?! I did something right, at least. *sigh* Too bad "not too bad" doesn't get me ANYWHERE these days.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGIRL06 6/7/2012 9:37AM

    Oh wow Esther this blog really hit home for me too. First, the friends thing and then the quote "When my weightloss stalled, I felt like my entire life came to a huge halt.
I was doing something great, and now I'm just spinning my wheels. " Yup and yup. Since starting back at school, I feel a little loss in the friendship world. My friends at home seem to have forgotten about me even though I'm home every weekend and I haven't made any real friends at school. Its not you, its just the situation I think. But I just wanted to let you know I feel ya. And as for the second thing, the stalled and weight loss, I feel that too! Sometimes I wonder why the hell I blog every day when I have nothing to report. My running had stalled, I'm not losing weight (and in fact gained) and I noticed blog comments declined (I almost feel lame admitting that I check that!). But I just keep trying. Life can't be up all the time. Things will turn around if you just keep pushing and you will find a new groove!
emoticon emoticon

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MANLEYSANDY 6/6/2012 2:29PM

    Ester, I think that 165 pounds of weight loss is a shining success. I think you are a wonderful mother and wife, true successes! Your are smart, a great writer, beautful, all successes!!! I read your blogs daily, you are in my prayers, I think of you so often and how hard you work on every aspect of your life and wish there was something that would make it all better! I am here if you need me!

All I can is, do what you feel is best for you, but you are a star and don't forget it!!

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TREP13 6/6/2012 1:56PM


I would tell you not to give up or give in but I know you won't because you're a tough cookie. A healthy cookie of course. ;)

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ARUNNINGKAT 6/6/2012 1:21PM

    Esther, I completely understand what you are going through. I experience some of the same things not only on weight loss but every area of my life. I can't begin to tell you the mental battles I have had with myself the past several months, mostly in the area of getting my life in order. My house is a cluttered mess, I am running behind most of the time, I am not making much progress on weight loss, my projects aren't getting done nearly as fast as they should and the worst part is that I often come home too tired and demoralized to do anything about it. And to top it all off, my husband and kids are brutal sometimes about my failings and that just makes it worse. The funny thing is that I noticed a few weeks ago when I had received some compliments from a few people right in a row that it immediately changed my outlook and I suddenly felt up to the challenges in front of me. SO, I am hoping that what I am about to say will help change your outlook, like other people have done for me. Esther, I don't know you very well, but I always read your blogs and I think you are amazing!! You are so smart, ambitious and determined. And you have the courage to pursue your dreams... a courage that not everyone has. You can achieve your goals! And I know you will! Before long you will look back and this time will just be a little bump in the road on your path to your fitness and weight goals. emoticon

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KATIE2POINT0 6/6/2012 11:24AM

    So, I'm pretty sporadic on here. One week I'm on, then I don't sign in again for like 3... I'm a disaster area. I also feel very out of the loop with the friends I had made on here but that is completely my own fault. That being said, I always read your blogs and check in on how you are doing because you are absolutely one of my favs from my days with AB. You are encouraging, kind, funny, inspirational... I could go on and on. I know you're in a dark place right now so it's easy to fall into beating up on yourself but don't think for a second people who meet you don't like you or you're not good at keeping friends. You're an amazing woman and you're doing an amazing job.

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ROMNEY3 6/6/2012 9:56AM

    emoticon just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Enjoy each day the best you can and start fresh each morning.

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MAGPIE17 6/6/2012 9:28AM

    E, I believe you can do this - not hope, believe. Don't overthink - when I overthink, I struggle. When I enjoy the process, I do a lot better. Hugs, hon. I'm sorry this is a tough time.

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VICKYMARIEC 6/6/2012 9:08AM

    {{{{HUGS}}}} Girl, we have all been there. There isn't a month taht goes by (and not because of TOM) that i don't cry myself to sleep because i'm always "just one of the guys" or taht my marriage had failed 4 years ago and now i'm in a place i NEVER thought i'd be. And sometimes i love my friends and sometimes i wish i could run away from them. I cry because i'm lonely. The point is, it's normal.

Now the weight loss thing...thats the part taht i really hate. And i read all of your blogs and i see what you are doing. That dang scale should be moving! I'll say what you told me - change it up (my summation!). The moment i changed my workouts and ate differently the scale started moving.

Know that you aren't alone. {{{{HUGE HUGS}}}}

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It Doesn't Feel Like Work

Tuesday, June 05, 2012

"Work" out. The term implies that some WORK must be done, some effort must be put into the equation. And, for most of us, work isn't exactly a fun thing we look forward to. That being said, I enjoy a lot of my workouts. I guess I'm just one of those lucky people who like working out. Or, better yet, I like the results of working out. I like how it makes me feel, I like the earned sweat, I like the pride in myself that bursts through my chest after a difficult workout I felt I couldn't survive but somehow did. I chase that high all the damn time - and it's helped me lose 157 pounds thus far, so what's not to love, right?!

Still, I tend to lean toward more hardcore workouts than workout light. Other than my yoga, most of my workouts require a lot of effort and end in a puddle of sweat. And I like it that way...I really, really do! It feels like I earned something and I can be proud of what I just did. Every time I get done with one of those workouts, I feel like I just kicked the @ss of everyone who told me I couldn't. It's my sweet revenge and I usually walk out of the gym with my head held higher than it was going in. (And it's pretty high going in because even just showing up at the gym is often a victory for me...that place can be scary and my frustration likes to get the better of, I think about all the people who AREN'T going to the gym and all the people I'm joining there and I realize I'd rather be like those I'm with in that hot, smelly place.)

So work out = work for me. I've liked it that way and it's gotten me this far.

Until now.

Swimming is...well, swimming just doesn't feel like work. Even as a young girl in the pool I wasn't one to simply splash around here and there and call it a day. I love doing laps and diving to the bottom and doing flips or whatever keeps me busy. Otherwise, well, it just feels like a bath to me. A pool or a lake is not a bath. I'm there to have fun and do something I can't do on land. In the water I can twist and turn my body in ways that would have me flat on my face on the cold hard ground.

Like running, swimming feels...magical to me. I always say that running feels like the closest I can get to flying with the birds. And swimming? Well, I imagine myself as a bit of a fish, a mermaid, or, better yet as it's my favorite animal, a penguin. I glide through the water. Well, I feel like I do.

What I think I look like when I'm swimming:

What I'm pretty sure I actually look like:


So this morning I swam part 1 of the 0 to 1650 program. The program is set up sorta like Couch to 5k, but for swimming. You go from swimming 0 yards to 1650 yards, or one mile, freestyle without stopping. This morning my task was to warm-up with 100 yards (5 laps in my pool) with any stroke. I typically just slowly go through the water switching between breast, back, doggy paddle, and sidestroke with a few strokes of freestyle thrown in. Those 5 laps are just warm-up and, for me at least right now, they just don't matter as far as form is concerned - it's all about function. After that warm-up you do the following:

3x100, with a 12 breath break between 100s (5 laps in my pool)
3x75, with a 10 breath break between 75s (I have to break this one up a bit more as I have a 20 yard pool - so I do 2x80 and 1x60, which is almost the same. That's 4 laps x 2 followed by 3 laps once)
3x50, with a 8 breath break between 50s (I have to break this up to, so I do 2x60 and then 1x40, which adds the 5 yards I missed in the previous and then levels out to the same distance)

All in all, it's 680 yards + the 100 yard warm-up = 780 yards (I'm not counting the warm-up yards though) total. Plus, I did another lap of cool down before stretching.

I worried about this the entire way to the gym (for me that's almost an hour drive!)...and then got to the last 2 laps and thought,! This is NOTHING!

Of course, had I thought harder I would've realized that my form was starting to slip, as was my breathing pattern, which meant I was getting tired. Plus, I wasn't pushing full force for speed as I'm working on distance right now - speed will come much later. But, still, at the end of my last lap I nearly took off again for more and had to stop myself. I can't get ahead of myself...that's the mistake I made with running and I won't make it again.

But all through my shower I just kept asking myself, "Is this really enough? I mean, I'm not even tired...I could've done MUCH more! It only took me about 30 minutes and I was expecting at least 45 minutes today! Do I need to amp it up? Is this even a "work"out?" And then in my mind flashed pictures of all the great swimmers we know and love and I thought to myself -- "I don't think they were running to get into that good of shape." No! They were swimming! Lots of swimming built those bodies! Sure, there was more than likely some great cross training in there, but for the most part, their routines consist of swimming, swimming and, oh, yeah...more swimming!

And then my mind asked again if it was enough...because it didn't feel like work.


It SHOULDN'T always feel like work! DUH! Why didn't I see that before? I mean, I sorta did, but then again...I should be doing things I love doing. I'm not exercising to become a figure competitor. I'm not trying out for the Olympics. But I love training in things. I love swimming. So why the hell should I question whether swimming will be enough or not?

Does it make me want to do it again? HELL YES!

Does it get me excited about being active? Uhm, YES!

Does it make me want to do more, learn more, be better at it? YES! YES! YES!

So why the hell am I even questioning it in the first place? Because trudging my way through a stupid 45 minute class I hate but gives me a good sweat...well, that's short term. It's a way to lose weight - a means to an end - it's NOT something I want to do every week for the rest of my life. I'd rather do the things I enjoy. Where else in life can we just say, "Well, I want to." and have it be GOOD for us? Zumba is not greater than swimming. They are two different beasts. And, right now at least, the beast in me is a swimming fool! I don't mind the stripping of the oils in my hair. I don't mind the fact that I need lotion badly now for my dry skin. I don't mind water in my ears (okay, I do, but I'm fixing that). I love it. And I'm just going to enjoy it.

Who cares how many calories I'm burning?
Who cares if I'm going to lose 2 pounds this week from swimming alone?
I'm being active.
I'm getting better and better each time.
My stroke is improving (I think).
My breathing certainly is my stamina.
And I'm having a BLAST doing it!

I look forward to the next time I swim!
I hate off days. Tomorrow is going to suck because I'd rather be in the pool, g'd'it!

My love for workouts come and go, and I need each one and love each one for different reasons...but all that matters is I've found something that I love right now that's keeping me in the gym and making me want to fuel my body properly to support it.

Who says it has to be all work and no play?


emoticon What's your go-to FUN exercise or activity? How do you feel about being active vs. working out? Can it be called a "work"out if it doesn't feel like work?


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGIRL06 6/7/2012 9:29AM

    I love to swim also but don't have a gym membership with a pool :( I was always a water baby! Glad you enjoy it so much because this is something you want to continue doing because you love it, not because you have to!

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SPUNKYDUCKY 6/5/2012 11:29PM

    Absolute favorite - skiing, 2nd would be hiking
Love it!

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OFFDREA 6/5/2012 2:56PM

    I love those pictures!
I want to try swimming because I know it would be my fun activity. I don't really have one now, I mean I like working out but I wouldn't consider it fun lol

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GUITARWOMAN 6/5/2012 12:56PM

    I know this may sound weird, but I love the treadmill!

A brisk walk to nowhere, TV on (just about the only time I get to watch TV), no worries about wind, wet, or cold (the treadmill is in my basement), and cardio is done. That is my workout.

I also enjoy just walking--around my home, in the office--there is a feeling of real joy for me when I fell my body respond to my brain and just move out. It feels right!


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LOWFATFOODIE 6/5/2012 12:26PM

    Hike hike hike. I'm communing with nature not burning calories (realized I could skip my piddly 30 minutes of cardio those days though)

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MAMADWARF 6/5/2012 10:51AM

    I swam for quite a while beacsue I couldn't walk. I loved it...very peaceful. Then I quit my gym. But when I'm in water, I too love to do laps. It is very freeing. I feel his way about tennis, it is just so fun! And it amazes me I can do it and I keep getting better. To burn a butt load of calories is just benefit!

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BAYBELIEVER 6/5/2012 10:23AM

    Swimming is my fun activity too! And while it doesn't feel like work, it burns more calories than you would ever have guessed! Way to go!

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SARAWALKS 6/5/2012 9:35AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
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5% Challenge - Week 1

Monday, June 04, 2012

GOAL - June 1st
Weigh-in and take all measurements with tape measure and body fat % tool (should be arriving at my doorstep today). Probably headed out of town this night to head up to M'town for the wedding and to meet with my mom. -- (Food) 3279 (Workout) None

In all actuality, I'm not quite sure how many calories I consumed but I'm pretty sure I was on task as much as possible. Had to do some driving and as we neared the resort Mom called to ask me if Chinese was okay for dinner. *sigh* I did the best I could. Ordered some vegetable fried rice, which I had a little bit of, and some steamed broccoli and tofu, which I then had to cook with a little soy sauce mixture to make it taste un-blah. Had a couple pieces of sesame chicken the boys ordered, but I tried to limit that as much as possible. I don't think I did too bad that day and went to bed feeling alright.

The drive to M'town was pretty uneventful. The boys were well behaved all weekend, which was really nice as I was on single parent duty since the Hubs had to work both days. Even my aunt remarked at how nice they were and responsible (they helped clean up, which shocked her). Around 8pm, as my aunt, uncle and mom were sitting around chatting, I got bored. REALLY bored. So Ethan and I headed off to see if there was anything we could get into. I eventually found a gameroom and he collected some quarters from everyone so that he could play some arcade-type games while I watched Cold Case and chilled on the couch in the room with him. (And I checked with the resort's gym about gym times and usage for the next day. Ethan is always bummed about the age restrictions in most gyms because he actually loves to work out as much - sometimes more - as I do.)

GOAL - June 2nd
Will be either traveling there and back or just traveling back after being at Mom's resort. There is pool access and MIGHT be access to a gym. If not, there are always roads to walk/run, although my foot hurts today and I won't want to stress it with a run if it doesn't feel good this weekend. (Food) 3279 (Workout) Swim or Run or Something

Well, I can't tell you I was perfect on the eating thing. I tried to be reasonable, but it wasn't very easy considering. I had a cinnamon crunch bagel with honey walnut cream cheese that I had looted (okay, I paid for it...) at Panera on the drive up. After that, I headed off to the gym with a bunch of hesitation. I may play the brave card, but sometimes I get nervous and scared and anxious. I sulked about for about 30 minutes trying to figure out if I was actually going to go down there or not. New places and people often make me very uncomfortable. But after turning around and back and around and back about half a dozen times, I eventually walked my butt down to the gym where they were super great and I really had nothing to worry about.

The lap pool was empty, which was wonderful. I got my suit on, hosed off, and then headed in for a nice quiet round of laps. I had a little trouble figuring out the length of the pool (had asked the night before and the girl there had NO idea how long it was). It looked a bit shorter than the one at my gym, but more than 1/2 the distance. Still, I tried to just keep moving. I did 10 laps, took a 12 breath break, did another 10 laps, took another 12 breath break, did another 10 laps, and then I had to fix my cap and goggles and such and my suit started bugging me (I need a better one) and I could tell my form was starting to fail and I was starting to tire. I thought of doing another 10, did 4 and got frustrated with all my equipment and figured that was enough. Then I sat in the hot tub for about 5 minutes (and THAT was when 2 girls walk in to look at the pool and ask if I'm enjoying my relaxing time in the tub *sigh* why do I always feel the need to justify my time as a "cool down" or the end of a workout so that people don't think I'm lazy...I should've just smiled and said yes...) With the warm up and cool down laps and stretches, I was in the pool about 35 minutes. Leaving the gym, I thought to ask the girl at the desk if she knew the pool length. She told me it was 15 meters, so I wasn't far off in my guessing (the pool at home is 20 yards or 18.288 m. I added up my 34 laps and came up with 510 meters in about 30 minutes and a LOT less breaks. I think I'm quite ready to move on this week with the 0 to 1650 program. It will be a challenge, but I think I can do it.

After the pool, I rinsed off, put my workout clothes on over my suit and headed up to get the boys to take them to the clubhouse pool where they were allowed to swim. I gave them an hour, did one more lap in the pool there for fun, showed both of them some techniques, and then did a few front flips as a way to begin a practice for the flip I'd love to learn between laps. Then I finally admitted to the boys that I needed some relaxation time and I got out to get a bit of sun and read a bit while they played a while longer.

After that we headed straight to the wedding. The drive there seemed to take forever, but we finally managed to find the park (which was beautiful, btw) and I got to watch my younger brother get married...which was super weird for me. As we were about to depart for the reception, my brother stopped me and said I wasn't allowed to leave because he wanted a few pictures with me and my boys. (My brother is a step-brother and his mother had custody the whole time he was growing up so we didn't see each other much, however, we have a lot in common and we got sorta close without even really trying...and his new wife has always said that I'm the one person in our family that she absolutely adores. :) I totally approve of this marriage! ;) ) We stood around FOREVER and I couldn't help but help direct a bit of the pictures (Logan had fun taking pictures though...I think he's going to follow my love of photography) and finally I said, "Are we going to do this or not, because I'm getting hungry and the boys are getting restless..." We quickly grabbed the photographer and took a couple quick shots and then the boys and I headed off to the reception area.

(Note: While we had eaten some of our leftover Chinese that morning after our swim, by the time 3:30pm rolled around and we were driving to the reception, all our tummies were growling.)

(Note 2: For the first time in a long time, I actually felt pretty and less fat at the wedding. My aunts and uncles, who haven't seen me since Thanksgiving 2010, remarked on how great I looked and I felt like a old fashioned pinup with the way I had my hair and my halter top looking dress (the straps are generally regular, but they have buttons so you can remove them...however, when I bought the dress the top was already a bit too big and my friend Andrea remarked if I criss-crossed the straps in the back it would look more fitted on the top - so that's what I did.)

Logan has better pictures, but I took a few with my phone:

Logan and I hanging out before the wedding, looking at the falls.

Logan taking nature pictures - his favorite. I love nature photography, but I prefer portraits - there is something about catching people in their most raw moments when they are most beautiful that I love.

The picture of myself I sent to Hubs at work. He said it was the only bright spot in his day and he thanked me for it. ;)

The I Do Moment

The Happy Newlyweds!

So all of this was a long drawn out way of saying - when we got to the reception and the only thing ready for consumption before the couple/bridal party arrived was the dessert table...yea, we had some. Buckeyes, cookies, cake, marshmallows and apples and graham crackers and...a chocolate fountain. I think I had 3 tiny buckeyes, a couple bites of different kinds of cookies, a few slices of apple, and then 3 marshmallows dipped in chocolate on a graham cracker...because what wedding is complete without a smore or two? *snort*

Finally the couple arrived and we were able to eat. I tried to watch my intake - very few carbs in the form of some noodles, one roll, and a few cubes of red potato. Four small sized meatballs (they had a choice of swedish type meatballs with your noodles or spaghetti style...and I split up my noodles and had a tiny bit of each. The rest was all veggies - green beans and a big salad ...oh, and a couple cubes of cheese because - YUM! Cheese! (Hey, what can I say? My ancestors were dairy farmers in Wisconsin...I can't imagine my life without cheese!) I did skip the cake and had a bit of coffee (they had GREAT coffee!) and a couple glasses of water. So, pretty good considering...I guess.

After that it was back to the condo to pack up quickly and then on the road where I drove straight home (and surprised Hubs by shaving some time off my estimate because we didn't have to stop). Where I had some pizza. *shame* Yep. I did it. I was hungry and I ate that dang pizza and I loved it!

Anyhow, even with the traveling, all the driving, the Chinese food and the other crap I ate, I don't feel like I did all that bad, and I woke up Sunday morning feeling thinner (and forced myself not to weigh in). I even noticed that my work shirt wasn't snug on maybe that's a good thing.

GOAL - June 3rd
3rd - No clue if I have to work at Kroger. Need to cook, clean, do groceries and coupon. (Food) 2821 (Workout) None

Had to work. Crazy busy night. Still unsure on calories but I think I went over as I got extra munchy that night. No dwelling. Moving on. Didn't grocery shop or clean or cook or coupon....I was exhausted (the sunburn I got the day before doesn't help...zapped my energy!) and my knee locked up on me at work so that was NOT fun.


4th - Back to work! And the gym (if needed). (Food) 1789 (Workout) ST (30m)

Okay, so I never got my ST done. *sigh* Yesterday was a difficult day...I'll just say it. I was exhausted from the moment I woke up. Hubs even remarked at how flushed and just...not great...I looked. (Thanks for that, right!?) I ate well pretty much all day, which is saying something since I didn't properly plan. I was all set to go to bed early and just call it a night...and then Hubs wanted to go out when I got home. Went to the grocery store and then Arby's. *facepalm* I think I could've said no to just about anything else last night, but Hubs picked and I gave in...even though I didn't need any more calories for the day. A junior roast beef sandwich and 1/2 large curly fry later and I'm reaching for the multi-grain Pringles we just bought and mindlessly munching. Looked this morning and somehow I managed to eat 1/2 of the entire large container.


So, yea, major fail. Ended up over 2600 calories for the day, no exercise. Goal was 30 minutes of ST and around 1760 calories.

I can't change any of that. But I can learn from it and move on.

On the upside? Spending an hour on the same couch with Hubs (a rare event, let me tell you!), with my feet in his lap watching some stupid game show together and hanging out with the boys and laughing over stupid crap...well, it was probably one of the best hours I've had in a LONG time. See...I don't ask for much. Simple moments like these and the ones I had this weekend in which my soul feels fulfilled is all I need to keep me going.

I forgive myself for whatever "bad" I did yesterday...because I'm human and I make mistakes. Moving on...

5th - (Food) 1789 (Workout) 6am Lap Swim -CHANGE- (100 yards, any stroke w/u, then 3 x 100, rest 12 between, 3 x 75, rest 10 between, and 3 x 50, rest 6 between)

So far today I've already gotten my swimming laps in. It felt great, but it didn't exactly feel like exercise. I say this, but then I get to my car and my arms and legs are pulsing telling me that I did SOMETHING in that pool. It just doesn't feel as hardcore as a heavy lifting routine or a run or anything else...but isn't that what good exercise is? Activity you enjoy that doesn't feel like work!? I'd still be interested in seeing how many calories I'm actually burning. One app says I burned under 200 calories. The other? 700. *facepalm* WTF is up with that!? I need my waterproof chest strap very soon, just so I know (and so I can keep track of my time and energy expenditure in the pool). But...honest to goodness, it's been nice not focusing on that as much and just getting the laps in and feeling great about my progress there. Sometimes my HRM can actually make me feel bad after a workout - when I thought it felt great and then look down to see I didn't burn hardly any calories ...can be a major buzzkill. So maybe I'll stick to working out without it right now (can't afford it anyhow) and just enjoy this time in the pool working on conditioning myself to swim a mile. I'll worry about the calorie burn later.

Gotta stay on task today with the food and I'll be all set. Grocery shopping at lunch yesterday has me with a fridge/freezer of healthy choices for the week here at work.

Ate fine at work, and then everything (once again) fell apart at dinner time. This is SO hard it hurts sometimes. Dinner wasn't done as planned (should've never left Hubs responsible) and we gave in and did Mexican and I ate cheaply instead of sensibly, which is sometimes the price I have to pay. I did not, however, need to finish off the pint of Chunky Monkey I had in the fridge...but I did - because apparently I friggin' hate myself lately. *sigh* Felt sick the rest of the night...go figure.

Consumed about 2960 calories. Great! Flipping great! *bangs head on desk repeatedly*

6th - (Food) 1789 (Workout) ST (30m)

Still not a good day calorie-wise...but I did get my ST workout in. I'll have to alter that 30 minutes to 25 as I can't do any more than 25 minutes on my lunch break and still get back to work on time. The only upside is the walk there and back (which I don't count) probably burns a few extra calories as well.

Fell apart again when I got home. Trying to find ways to readjust my eating so I'm not so famished when I get home.

7th - (Food) 1789 (Workout) 6am Lap Swim -CHANGE- (100 yards, any stroke w/u, then 3 x 100, rest 12 between, 3 x 75, rest 10 between, and 3 x 50, rest 6 between)

Found out my pool is 25 meters...maybe. No one has any clue on anything really, and it was stressing me out yesterday. I've decided I don't much care because I'm not training for any distance event, just doing it for me - so let's just call it 25 meters and have a good life, mmkay? Did realize this week that swimming makes me REALLY hungry really quickly. Most workouts I don't start to notice until about 30-45 minutes after I leave the gym. Swimming? As soon as I'm halfway through with my shower my tummy is GROWLING at me! *lol*

Trying to figure out my body this week calorie wise to see whether it's mental or physical that I keep wanting to pound food when I get home at night. I do know that I need to find some sweet recipes as I keep thinking I need something sweet after dinner. If I plan right, I should be able to work in dessert now and again and not screw the whole thing up...I just have to find the right ways of doing that.


Time for me to get back on plan IMMEDIATELY, no matter what happened this weekend! I'm downing a shake for my breakfast this morning as I woke up late and didn't have time or energy for anything else. Spinach, mixed fruit, a bit of unsweetened vanilla almond milk, a bit of chocolate peppermint stick soy milk, a scoop of vanilla whey and a bit of sweetener (not needed next time...I added the whey as an afterthought, but I think the taste of it PLUS the Truvia really makes it too sweet).

I have to work Sun-Sat this week and then I'm off next Sunday to DC for a week, so, yeah, things are going to get crazy. Going out to dinner with another bestie tonight, so I really need to think on where I can go that won't break the calorie (or budget) bank. Also going to have to get to bed early tonight so I can get up early for laps in the AM. No lap time at my favorite lap pool AFTER work tomorrow as they have a water aerobics class scheduled. I could switch workouts to accommodate, but not today as I didn't bring my, yeah...I need to be up EARLY tomorrow!

I plan on going to the gym at lunch today to get my ST in, but I don't have any food so I might need to rework that or something. *shrug* No clue. Worse comes to worse - I can do pushups and crunches and planks and burpees tonight at the house before bed.

And, just cause, here's a picture of my Tiggy girl, who was so glad I was home on Sunday for a bit. ;)

Ain't she pretty? ;)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGIRL06 6/7/2012 9:12AM

Oh you were talking? I'm sorry, I got distracted...

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ATROTTIER 6/4/2012 3:48PM

    You look gorgeous and you did great!!!!

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BAYBELIEVER 6/4/2012 12:55PM

    Awesome job! I would give you cred just for skipping cake!! Not, another day, another attack!

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GUITARWOMAN 6/4/2012 11:41AM

    I love detail people! It was motivating to read your blog and see how you managed conflicting events and requirements, especially when food choices available to you were not so great......

Do you travel with acceptable foods? I always do so, one of the worst places I can be put in is being hungry (stomach hungry) with nothing okay to eat. Then I eat something that is not okay which will likely lead to a binge, sigh.....

When I am discharged from my day surgery on Monday, I will make sure DH brings a fruit and a Kashi bar so I can eat if I feel like it.....


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RUNMELLY 6/4/2012 10:55AM

    What a blog! You have a fantastic memory to remember all of that! Sounds like a great weekend and you are definitely aware of your calories/excercise and body. That's powerful! Keep up the great work :)

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MADDEELOU 6/4/2012 9:39AM

    Whew! I am exhausted just reading this. =) Sounds like a fabulous trip. You look beautiful. Congrats on beating the gym. I am really impressed with all the swimming. I love swimming but laps wear me out.

Stay strong!

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5% Challenge - W1D1

Friday, June 01, 2012

Some starting stats for today.

Weight: 309.8
Body Fat %: 47.1

Goals for Next Week
Weight: 307.8
Body Fat: 46.5%

8-Week Goals
5% Weight Loss = 15.5 pounds
-5% Weight = 294.3
5% Body Fat Goal = 42.1%

Already took my measurements and stuck them in the reference blog for safe keeping.

The most important of all days for me. What I do today can help me set the tone for the next 8 weeks. I need to try to be understanding with myself and try to work with what I have. My foot hurts a bit this AM (though it's actually the middle part of my foot hurting...which seems strange to me) and I woke up with a headache. But I'm only working a 1/2 day before heading up to M'town to see my mom and aunt and for my brother's wedding tomorrow.

Day 1's Reference Guide Says:
June 1st - Weigh-in and take all measurements with tape measure and body fat % tool (should be arriving at my doorstep today). Probably headed out of town this night to head up to M'town for the wedding and to meet with my mom. -- (Food) 3279 (Workout) None

Already took my measurements. Also allowed my husband and children to take theirs. Not sure how well this thing works for kids, says both my kids are really fat! *lol* Hubs, of course, is around 19%, which pisses me off because he doesn't need to do ANYTHING to maintain that and can eat whatever he wants. He's just one of THOSE people.

My measurements and such got me a little sad this morning, I'll admit it. But I'm trying to let it go and remind myself that it's just a starting point. Time to work out my eating for the day and try to get a bit of work done before I leave around noon.

Peace Offering of the Day

Last night was one of the best nights I've had in a long time. I don't know what it was about yesterday, but I was finally able to let my shoulders go back down into a relaxed position. I've been so tense for so long, so angry and guilty and shameful of myself. And I've been holding all this anger and hate inside me letting it eat away at my gut. Yet, somehow, yesterday I was able to just forgive myself and let it go. Wish I knew how that happened so I could control it from here on out, but, alas, I have no magic answer.

What I did do last night:
After work I went straight to the gym with the purpose of swimming some laps and seeing how much prelim work I'm going to need before the 0 to 1650 Program I've got laid out for this challenge. The first step in prelim work was to swim 400 yards by doing 2 laps back to back, resting for 12 breaths, and then hitting 2 more laps until the 400 yards were complete (that's 10 times in my pool). Honestly? I took a few longer breaks because of equipment malfunction problems (first my cap, then my stupid was all acting up last night!), but I completed my 10 runs (there and back) in about 20 minutes. That's about 5 minutes off my time from last time. I was in the pool about 23-25 minutes, but the other time was spent warming up and cooling down and stretching before/after. It's weird trying to figure out the whole warm-up, cool-down, stretch thing in the pool. *lol*

When I got done with my laps, I got yet another comment from an onlooker who said, "Wow! That was a lot of swimming." I told her it was 400 yards. (And kept thinking, "I could have done more, actually...") We talked about how we both fear our inability to touch in the deep end but how I don't let it stop me from swimming and she does. I tried to encourage her to just go after it, but she didn't seem very enthusiastic. (She was sitting there waiting for the water aerobics class to start.) Then I headed into the locker room to shower and change and put on some makeup as I was set to meet a friend for dinner/drinks.

It's funny, I always think I'm going to go have a drink with a friend. We even plan it that way. "Drink our dinner...maybe an appetizer, but that's it!" And then we get there and I become some old biddy who has like no fun. I don't know why alcohol just doesn't have a draw for me really. *shrug* A glass of wine now and again - sweet wine especially. Maybe a couple beers with some pizza a few times a year. But other than that...well, my freezer is stocked with hard liquor...that's been there for at least a year. (Does that stuff go bad?) I like the *idea* of drinking far more than I like actually drinking. I met my friend at the bar and grill and immediately ordered a big glass of water, intending to order a "drink" later. An hour and a half later, I had downed about 3 glasses of water and a Meditterranean Veggie Wrap (OMG! SO good!) and a few fries (yes, and I don't care if they were bad - they have AMAZING fries!). Not one sip of alcohol. *lol* *shrug* I am what I am, I guess.

Me and Kathryn

I call her my Skinny-Me because I think we actually look a lot alike. We even have the same annoying thick, curly hair! *lol* (Weird thing? I almost put my hair up like that before I came, but I couldn't find my bobby pins. *lol*)

Anyhow, she's adorable and I love her to pieces and we vowed to try to see each other more than 2 times this year (we usually get together in January for my birthday and then May/June for hers). I think part of what made me feel better was knowing I was going to be seeing her. She and I just get each other. It's not forced. It's easy. She gets me and I get her. There's no judgment there like there can be with some friends. Her boyfriend of 5 years and my Hubs are so eerily alike in personality as well that it's a bit freaky. I feel like I'm watching the Es & Hubs Version 2.0 - Better and cooler than we could ever be, but just about the same. (We've got about 5-6 years on them age-wise, so we're the 1.0 version.) We talked about my stalled weight loss and she tried the whole "but don't you feel better" crap before realizing it wasn't working on me because I was just frustrated, and that rolled into how frustrated she is that she's been in the same place for 4 years and she's ready to move on and...yea, we are a LOT alike. *lol* She did tell me I looked smaller than the last time she saw me (January), and that was good to hear because she wouldn't lie to me or blow smoke up my butt. It was a great hour and a half and I didn't want it to end!

On my way home, I called Hubs and asked him how the picnic for his grandfather's birthday went and he told me they were still at it, playing mini golf and just enjoying the nice weather. I hurried up to the park and made it just in time to give grandpa a hug and wish him happy birthday before he headed home for bed. (This is Hubs' G'pa and I adore him so much. He always tells me I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, and even though I know he says that to a bunch of girls because he's a big flirt, I always believe him for some reason.)

So I got to watch the end of the mini golf game, and then Hubs and the boys and I went to get ice cream before heading home. And for some reason I got a lot of hugs and kisses from the Hubs last night that helped as well.

So, as I head a rough week where I'm likely to second guess myself at every turn, I have to remember how good tonight felt. How it's okay for me to be me, even if I'm not perfect either in personality or responsibility or job status or weight or whatever. I have people who love me exactly as I am. Who have loved me when I was heavier and love me the same amount and no differently now that I'm smaller. I have to bask in the glow of that and remember to love myself a little more.

Plan for the day:
* Pay bills
* Get started on website updates (work)
* Put electronic version of files in management system
* Prep cases for case review
* Leave at 12:30pm
* Head to K to get check cashed and check schedule for next week
* Pick up healthy munchies for the road
* Head to house to pick up boys
* Pack quickly, grab boys, and put dog in bed before leaving (Don't forget dress and shrug for the wedding!!)
* Quick text or call to Hubs to tell him we're gone
* Drive around 3 hours to meet with Mom at resort
* Hang out with Mom, Brother #2, Stepdad, Aunt and Uncle
* Swim? (if the pool is still open)
* Bed for restful (hopefully) sleep
* Ooh, and take vitamins at next snack time (in about 10 minutes)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGIRL06 6/7/2012 9:07AM

    Its not about the drinks, its about spending time with friends!

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SPUNKYDUCKY 6/1/2012 11:41PM

    Great blog - June is going to be a great month for both of us - you are going to push through the barrier and I am going to keep going in the right direction!

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GUITARWOMAN 6/1/2012 2:56PM

    Thanks for this, I am planning to follow you every day, and cheer you on when I can.

Hey, I don't drink either. I found I do not need alcohol to help me feel good or upbeat. Can do that all by myself! Especially when I am playing guitar!

And, curls rock! Mine is not so thick anymore, but who else besides curly heads like us love the wind and humidity? More curls!

Lovely picture.


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MANLEYSANDY 6/1/2012 2:06PM

    I think you are beautiful!

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ATROTTIER 6/1/2012 12:22PM

    I'm so happy you enjoyed yesterday!! I hope you can keep all those good feelings throughout your 8 week course. Enjoy the wedding weekend!!! =)

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MAMADWARF 6/1/2012 10:28AM

    Old freinds are the best aren't they.? I didn't drink for about 3 years and now it is occasionally but when I do, I do it big! Be glad you don't like it, I always eat waaay more when alcohol is involved.

Good luck with your challenge, you will work hard, I know. Your bubs gram pa sounds like my dad. He loved women and would flirt with every one of them and mean it. I think its a sweet rare gift. And you are beautiful btw!

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BAYBELIEVER 6/1/2012 10:02AM

    Awesome, Esther. And your husband's grandfather is right. You are beautiful! And, I, like you, like the idea of drinking more than actually drinking. Mostly, I just don't get it and wonder why I would want to waste calories on alcohol?? My lack of drinking desire in my family is obvious. And sometimes I think it makes me not quite an adult yet, that I don't just want to hang out at a bar with a glass of wine. Have a great time this weekend. Stay on track. And I may join you in my own little challenge. Thanks to you. Don't worry, I am not becoming your own stalker, but it has been a great morning of communicating! Thanks!

Comment edited on: 6/1/2012 10:02:45 AM

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