Thursday, May 31, 2012
I almost called it "everything I'm going to do beside pee and poo between now and the end of July"...but that seemed a little bit much.
Anyhow, not a reading blog, but a reference for me of my next 8 weeks and the plan as it looks right now for each day. I may have to adjust in July if things come up, but I've added all the stresses and obstacles I know I might face between now and then and tried to think ahead to what I'm going to want to do and be able to do on those days considering those things.
June 1st - Weigh-in and take all measurements with tape measure and body fat % tool (should be arriving at my doorstep today). Probably headed out of town this night to head up to M'town for the wedding and to meet with my mom. -- (Food) 3279 (Workout) None
2nd - Will be either traveling there and back or just traveling back after being at Mom's resort. There is pool access and MIGHT be access to a gym. If not, there are always roads to walk/run, although my foot hurts today and I won't want to stress it with a run if it doesn't feel good this weekend. (Food) 3279 (Workout) Swim or Run or Something
3rd - No clue if I have to work at Kroger. Need to cook, clean, do groceries and coupon. (Food) 2821 (Workout) None
4th - Back to work! And the gym (if needed). (Food) 1789 (Workout) ST (30m)
5th - (Food) 1789 (Workout) 6am Lap Swim (2 laps, rest for 12 breaths x 10 = 400 yards)
6th - (Food) 1789 (Workout) ST (30m)
7th - (Food) 1789 (Workout) 6am Lap Swim (2 laps, rest for 12 x 10 = 400)
General Mode B2W
8th - Weigh-in and body fat measurements to be taken. LAUNDRY AND PACK!!! 5h15m at second job (6p - 11:15p). - (Food) 1789 (Workout) None
9th - PACK!!!!!! 5.5h at 2nd job (6:30p - 12a) - (Food) 1789 (Workout) Run
10th - Leave on the plane for DC around 10am. Hope to shop for healthy groceries for the week and get tons of fresh local veggies and fruits at the local farmer's market. Will be in the hotel most of the day after shopping for supplies. - (Food) 2821 (Workout) Swim (figure out pool size) (100 yards, any stroke w/u, then 3 x 100, rest 12 between, 3 x 75, rest 10 between, and 3 x 50, rest 6 between)
11th - In DC, first day of training - (Food) 3279 (Workout) ST (30m)
12th - In DC, second day of training - (Food) 1789 (Workout) Swim (100 yards, any stroke w/u, then 3 x 100, rest 12 between, 3 x 75, rest 10 between, and 3 x 50, rest 6 between)
13th - In DC, third day of training. May meet a friend for dinner or grab some sushi out in Chinatown by myself if she's unavailable. - (Food) 3279 (Workout) ST (30m)
14th - In DC, fourth day of training - (Food) 1789 (Workout) Swim (100 yards, any stroke w/u, then 3 x 100, rest 12 between, 3 x 75, rest 10 between, and 3 x 50, rest 6 between)
15th - In DC, last day of training. Will be taking a flight back home and won't be home until around 7pm. There will be travel food this day as it is unavoidable unless I simply do not eat. Thankfully, DC airports have many choices, and some of them reasonably healthy. - (Food) 1789 (Workout) None
Playin' It Cool and Havin' A Blast
16th - Finally home. Weigh-in and full measurement day. Need to unpack and pack again for a quick trip to Cinci to get the boys. Boys won't be home this day and Hubs has to work so I'll be all alone most of the day. May have to work Kroger. - (Food) 1789 (Workout) Run
17th - May have to work Kroger. Need to pack and clean and otherwise get ready for Cinci trip. Need to coupon organize and shop if not done previous day. - (Food) 1789 (Workout) None
18th - Travel to Cinci to see mom and boys. Go to King's Island for the day and try to ride at least 1 roller coaster. Ride the water rides I know and love and catch at least 1 show. - (Food) 3279 (Workout) ST (30m)
19th - Might include a trip to the Columbus Zoo or somewhere else. May try to hit Trader Joe's while I'm up in the area where they have them for more healthy food supplies/variety. Then travel home with the boys. - (Food) 3279 (Workout) None
20th - Day off from regular job. May have to work Kroger. Need to unpack and clean and grocery shop anything missing from the previous week/weekend. - (Food) 1789 (Workout) None (unless I can find a way to squeeze in a lake swim or something fun and active)
21st - Back to work for 2 short days - (Food) 1789 (Workout) 4:30pm Swim (4 x 100, rest for 12 - 1 x 80, rest for 8 - 2 x 60, rest for 8 - 5 x 20, rest for 4)
Get Back to Serious Work
22nd - Weigh-in and take body fat measurement. Morning DEPO shot (7am). Goind to try to get a supervised workout scheduled for this day with my trainer, Tanner, before he leaves for med school. - (Food) 1789 (Workout) ST (30m)
23rd - May have to work Kroger - (Food) 3279 (Workout) Run
24th - May have to work Kroger. Need to cook, clean, grocery shop and coupon. - (Food) 3279 (Workout) None
25th - Back to regular work week hours. - (Food) 2821 (Workout) ST (30m)
26th - (Food) 1789 (Workout) 6am Swim (4 x 100, rest for 12 - 1 x 80, rest for 8 - 2 x 60, rest for 8 - 5 x 20, rest for 4)
27th - (Food) 1789 (Workout) ST (30m)
28th - (Food) 1789 (Workout) 6am Swim (4 x 100, rest for 12 - 1 x 80, rest for 8 - 2 x 60, rest for 8 - 5 x 20, rest for 4)
Stop, Refresh, Remember Why, and Shimmy Into Part II With a Good Attitude!
Favorite Holidays the Healthy Way
29th - Take full body measurements and weigh-in. May have to work Kroger - (Food) 3279 (Workout) None
30th - May have to work Kroger. - (Food) 3279 (Workout) Run
July 1st - Need to cook, clean, grocery shop and coupon. May have to work Kroger. - (Food) 1789 (Workout) None
2nd - Short work week with holiday mid-week. - (Food) 1789 (Workout) ST
3rd - (Food) 1789 (Workout) 4:30pm Swim (200 yards, rest for 12 - 4 x 100, rest for 10 - 1 x 80, rest for 6 - 2 x 60, rest for 6 - 5 x 20, rest for 4)
4th - Independence Day, which will mean cookouts and fireworks and the parade but no work or access to the gym. - (Food) 2821 (Workout) None
5th - Back at work for 2 days. - (Food) 1789 (Workout) 4:30pm Swim (200 yards, rest for 12 - 4 x 100, rest for 10 - 1 x 80, rest for 6 - 2 x 60, rest for 6 - 5 x 20, rest for 4)
Do Your Wifely Duty - Put Up WIth Family-in-Law
6th - Weigh in and body fat measurements. - (Food) 3279 (Workout) ST (30m)
7th - May have to work Kroger. - (Food) 3279 (Workout) Run
8th - Need to cook, clean, grocery shop and coupon. May need to work Kroger. - (Food) 2821 (Workout) None
9th - Back to regular work weeks for the rest of the month. - (Food) 1789 (Workout) ST (30m)
10th - Christy & JL come in from Cali. - (Food) 1789 (Workout) 6am Swim (200 yards, rest for 12 - 4 x 100, rest for 10 - 1 x 80, rest for 6 - 2 x 60, rest for 6 - 5 x 20, rest for 4)
11th - C/JL Visit - (Food) 1789 (Workout) ST (30m)
12th - C/JL Visit - (Food) 1789 (Workout) 6am Swim (400 yards, rest for 12 - 200 yards, rest for 10 - 4 x 100, rest for 8 - 1 x 80, rest for 4 - 2 x 60, rest for 4)
Take a Chill Pill - It's Almost Over!
13th - Full measurement and weigh in day. C/JL Visit. May have to work Kroger. - (Food) 3279 (Workout) None
14th - C/JL Visit. May have to work Kroger. - (Food) 3279 (Workout) Run
15th - C/JL Visit. Need to cook, clean, grocery shop and coupon. May have to work Kroger. - (Food) 2821 (Workout) None
16th - C/JL Visit. - (Food) 1789 (Workout) ST (30m)
17th - C/JL Visit - (Food) 1789 (Workout) 6am Swim (400 yards, rest for 12 - 200 yards, rest for 10 - 4 x 100, rest for 8 - 1 x 80, rest for 4 - 2 x 60, rest for 4)
18th - C/JL Visit - (Food) 1789 (Workout) ST (30m)
19th - C/JL Visit - (Food) 1789 (Workout) 6am Swim (400 yards, rest for 12 - 200 yards, rest for 10 - 4 x 100, rest for 8 - 1 x 80, rest for 4 - 2 x 60, rest for 4)
The Final Lap - Go For the Gold!
20th -Weigh in and body fat measurements. Last day of C/JL Visit. May have to work Kroger. - (Food) 3279 (Workout) None
21st - May have to work Kroger. - (Food) 3279 (Workout) Run
22nd - May have to work Kroger. Need to cook, clean, grocery shop and coupon. - (Food) 2821 (Workout) None
23rd - Back to regular work week. - (Food) 1789 (Workout) ST (30m)
24th - (Food) 1789 (Workout) 6am Swim (600 yards, rest for 10 - 300 yards, rest for 8 - 4 x 100, rest for 6 - 1 x 80, rest for 4 - 2 x 60, rest for 4)
25th - (Food) 1789 (Workout) ST (30m)
26th - Last day of challenge. - (Food) 1789 (Workout) 6am Swim (600 yards, rest for 10 - 300 yards, rest for 8 - 4 x 100, rest for 6 - 1 x 80, rest for 4 - 2 x 60, rest for 4) (This takes me up to swim 2 of Week 4, so I still have some workouts to complete to get to my mile swim goal after this challenge is over.)
If you did it and you got to the end, you've won...no matter what it says down below.
Weight - 309.8
Body Fat % - 47.1%
BMI - 47.7
Neck - 14.75
Shoulders - 46.5
Above Chest - 41
Chest - 45
Below Chest - 43.5
Abs - 47.25
Upper Arm (R) - 14.25
Upper Arm (L) - 14.5
Elbow (R) - 11.25
Elbow (L) - 11.25
Forearm (R) - 10.75
Forearm (L) - 10
Wrist (R) - 6.5
Wrist (L) - 6.5
Waist - 46.5
Belly Button - 56.75
Hips - 56
Thigh (R) - 25.5
Thigh (L) - 25.25
Knee (R) - 18
Knee (L) - 17.5
Calf (R) - 20.5
Calf (L) - 20.5
Ankle (R) - 10.25
Ankle (L) - 10.5
Thursday, May 31, 2012
I've spent the past several months (okay, 6+) fluttering around in this 300-310 range. I've been through all the emotional garbage. I've tried adjusting my workouts, my eating habits, myself and keep coming up short on every end. Just recently (the past 3 weeks or so) I've begun eating closer to my TDEE to try to "level out" my body a bit. It's been frustrating, because I'm maintaining the same weight eating around 3k calories a day as I was eating 1400-1600, but that just lends more credibility to everyone in my life telling me my body had hit its breaking point and was going into metabolism meltdown mode (aka "starvation mode"). Not to mention the mental challenges of trying to stay awake on 1400 calories and still go to the gym 3+ times a week (I was averaging closer to 4-5 workouts a week, easy). All that being said, I think my body is finally believing me when I apologize and promise not to starve it so brutally anymore.
The past few months have taught me a lot of things.
1) I should always eat above my BMR.
In the beginning, SP's calorie goals worked for me...but not any longer. I've got a lot of muscle underneath here and it requires energy to make it run. Not to mention simple things like, uhm, breathing and digesting food that must be accomplished. By depriving my body of so many calories, I was systematically shutting down the vital metabolic processes I need in order to get the fit and toned body that I really want when all of this is said and done.
2) I should still be losing weight, or fat, or something.
Okay, let's be 100% honest here. Girl weighs 300-310 pounds. Girl is approximately 165 pounds of lean body mass. Girl should still be able to lose weight/fat through consistent healthy eating and exercising. Problem is, I got lost along the way. I wasn't eating enough. And then I tried to eat more in order to help my metabolism regain its confidence in me. And that only seemed to give me a license to eat whatever the hell I wanted first once, then twice, then several times each week, and then once a day or more. I was sinking into a hole that I refuse to be stuck down in. With a body fat % in the 46+ range, I should certainly be able to still lose 2 pounds a week aggressively...even if I build muscle at the same time and it all comes off in the form of fat so my % goes down without the scale ever budging. Either way, there is fat to lose, therefore, if I am consistent, I should be able to lose it.
3) Telling myself I can eat upwards of 3k calories a day doesn't work for me.
Like I said above, it seems to give me a mental license to eat unhealthy foods all day because, let's face it, eating 3k calories in vegetables is almost friggin' IMPOSSIBLE. (I said almost...don't get on me here.) There is only so much lettuce, zucchini, carrots, bananas, apples, lean chicken breast, and brown rice one girl can safely manage to eat without feeling like she's giving herself an eating disorder. (I've seriously been reaching this point lately. I know the signs and I'm correcting it RIGHT NOW.)
4) There must be a way for me to balance myself and what I want.
There are things I must do. Work. Yes. I have 2 jobs right now, but that is temporary. That is something I must do right now. I must take care of my house and my children, although we've been working on everyone working together on keeping chores caught up since mom is out of the house a lot. But there are things I want to do as well. You know, "All work and no play..." well, I've been out of sorts a lot lately because I haven't been able to balance any play time. I schedule it and squeeze it in and try to combine it with a workout so I don't feel guilty about it, but that just turns it into work and the scale has become tipped horribly on the side of need lately. I'm working on trying to squash my guilt right here and now and allow myself the time and energy I need to just RELAX. I'm not getting my weeklong refresh and recharge beach vacation this year, so I will need to get a little more creative about it, but I can find time to be restful and happy and rejoice in what I *do* have so I actually feel like I'm WORKING for a reason.
There's a lot more, but this mess of a head is too full to bursting to even touch on them all right now. But those 4 are the most important right now. I needed these lessons. I needed this maintenance mode time to get my body readjusted. That's what I'm telling myself, even when I don't believe it. It's time to let go of the guilt and doubt and move on to trying to be successful in the small ways I can right now. (And I will probably still feel guilty and shame-ridden along the way from time to time. For those of you that have been with me for a while, you'll know my ups and downs vary from day to day, moment to moment. I keep holding on with one finger but sometimes I feel it slipping. It's just like me in the water. I'm a great swimmer. Strong and confident. But I'm also terrified a lot. I'll finish 2 full laps and then gasp in fear when I realize I've stopped at the deep end and can't touch the ground. I hang on this ledge of fear and guilt and shame and pride and confidence all the time. And I don't see that changing any time soon.)
Enough talk...now to the action.
I've constructed an 8-Week Challenge.
The goal is to lose 5% of my total weight between June 1st and July 26th.
In this same time I will be monitoring my body fat %. I need to set some healthy goal for a loss of percentage in that time if the scale measurements fail me, but I have yet to work that out in my head. (I was an English major...any of my math buffs want to try to figure out something reasonably aggressive for me?)
We will be working on a weekly calorie cycle with high days and low days. Because, like everyone else on the planet, I have days where I slip. And skipping dinner because I couldn't resist the damn candy bar someone gave me at lunch is just no way to live. It's punishment. And I'm trying to STOP punishing myself so much. So I will allow myself high calorie days. I will schedule them, but they will also be there as a back-up for me just in case I slip. I can move my HCDs if I want to. Here's how it works:
7 Days in a Week
4 - Low calorie days of around 1789 calories
2 - High calorie days of around 3279 calories
1 - Mid calorie day of around 2821 calories
Keep in mind, my BMR is 2142 or thereabouts. So, yes, there will be days I will eat under my BMR. But there will be days that I will eat WAY over it as well. All of it should even out, and it sounds more like a reasonable LIFE plan this way. We all have days where we feel hungry and munchy and other days where we'd be fine subsisting on a few apples and a pear for the day. (At least *I* have highs and lows like this.)
It's 16,535 calories for the week - which averages out to 2362 calories per day. Over my BMR, yes, and below my TDEE.
Now all of this works along with the exercise I have planned. My foot is still causing problems so I don't see myself going back to 3/week runs anytime soon. I'll be happy and lucky to get 1x a week right now...and only if the pain stays away. I'm going to focus on swimming for right now, and I actually have a plan similar to C25k for the pool called 0 to 1650 - which builds you up to swimming a mile (or 1650 yards) nonstop freestyle.
Cardio - 3x per week
ST - 2x per week
Friday - OFF
Saturday - Run
Sunday - OFF
Monday - ST
Tuesday - Swim
Wednesday - ST
Thursday - Swim
That's how it will look most weeks, although I've had to make some adjustments around work and vacation and training days along the way. For the most part we're looking at burning around 400 calories per cardio workout, for a total of around 1200 calories per week. I will have to adjust if I find myself burning more calories as I do not want to slip below my BMR for an average daily net calorie count.
I'd love to have 3x a week swimming, but that's just not doable right now.
I must accept my limitations.
Hence running only on Saturdays...and only if I feel my foot can take it. If not, I'll have to do a long walk or some other cardio workout.
I'll shoot for about 30 minutes on my workouts (but, again, will have to adjust if I find it taking me more time than that...no clue on this swimming program how long it will actually take me).
I have mapped out my entire schedule for this 8-weeks, with the realization that things COULD change. I've tried to be a little more laid back with myself. For example, I say simply "ST" instead of providing a certain lifting program. I need that flexibility right now. Sometimes I don't want to be in the gym and would rather just go home and watch TV while pulling out some squats, crunches, pushups and planks. Other times, I need my big barbell to make me feel like a real woman. (Hear me roar! ;) ) I have to get THROUGH the highs and lows...not hate myself for them.
The only other major change is this:
* I'm going to stop weighing in on Sunday mornings, and start weighing in on Friday mornings. June 1st is a Friday, and it's the ideal day because I'm usually on my game during the work week and start to fall apart over the weekend...so this way I can give myself every chance possible to make a positive number show up. I'm not cheating in any way, I'm just readjusting. Plus, it puts a lot less pressure on the weekends for me. Trying to be perfect sometimes sends me into a mindless rage when all Hubs wants is to go watch a movie with buttered popcorn and Twizzlers. I don't want to be angry all my life. I want to be happy with the new life I've built. Time to start adjusting my schedule to fit ME instead of adjusting me to fit into my stupid ideas of what my schedule should look like.
Also, I will take a body fat measurement every week, and tape measurements every two weeks. There may not be much change, but I will record it and move on. These are my backups in case the scale continues to fail me.
The goal of this challenge is to refocus my mind. Forgive myself. And create a sustainable eating and fitness schedule that can carry me into the next 5 or 10 years with minor adjustments along the way.
I'll put the full schedule for safe keeping in my next blog, just so I have an online source in case I'm not near my colorful calendars (already made). ;)
One last thing. Thank you all for your continued support and encouragement. I know I've been a major PITA lately and I'm super sorry. Just know that it's not directed at any of you specifically or at all of you in general...it's the muck of my frustration and exhaustion and mis-balanced mind coming out like fire from a dragon's mouth. I'm not known for being the most civil and level-headed once I get to that angry place and try as I might to just walk away and conceal that part of me, sometimes fire shoots out my mouth and ears and I can't help where it might fall. If you've stuck by me - thank you. If you haven't - I completely understand. Sometimes I don't want to be my friend either, especially when I'm acting the way I've been acting. Anyhow, big HUGS and thanks to all of you. I can't promise to be good from here on out, but I'm learning to shut my mouth when I need to more and more (though not every time...still working on it).
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Was supposed to attempt another run last night.
Foot started hurting a bit on the way home from work.
Probably due to the one mile walk I took on my lunch break as I had to go quickly and wasn't wearing the proper footwear.
Decided not to run.
Ate Chinese instead.
Foot hurts this morning.
*shame* *guilt* *shame* *guilt*
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Yesterday was quite difficult. Nothing new, as a lot of days have felt difficult lately. I wanted to eat and cheat and beat myself up...and I tried not to do that at every turn. The day turned out alright stat-wise, though. I did have some ice cream, but this time I was reasonable about it, only had one 1/2 cup serving and kept my head about me.
Calories Consumed: 2526
Calories Burned: 585
Net Calories: 1941
It's below my BMR (around 2140), which I've been trying to avoid, but I wasn't feeling all that hungry yesterday, just munchy. Munchy does not = hungry. Plus, I don't know if the calories burned calculation is correct, as I don't have the proper strap to use my HRM in the pool.
I decided to avoid the weight room yesterday in favor of the pool. Since I'm getting off early this week, I realized I could make it to the nearby gym location for the scheduled Lap Swim from 4:30-5:30 pm. There were already 3 people in the pool swimming laps when I got there, and one of them not doing a great job of it. He was swimming the line between two lanes instead of sticking to his own lane. I waited to see if he would eventually get a clue, but eventually the on duty lifeguard had to correct him so that I'd have room to swim. I wanted to get about 30 minutes in, and I did get close. About 10 minutes in, though, I was afraid it just wasn't going to happen. I shot for 10 laps, then 16, and finally 20. I probably could have done a few more, but I didn't want to overwork myself and I saw that people were starting to filter into the locker room to change for the water aerobics class that was to follow, so I called it a night after 20 laps in about 25 minutes. I turned to the one guy in the pool that looked like he knew what the hell he was doing and asked, "How long is this pool?" He said it was 20 yards, so I did 400 yards, which isn't too bad. Almost 1/4 of a mile swimming. And the guy next to me remarked on how strong a swimmer I was before I left (and I graciously thanked him, but told him it felt slow today).
The lifeguard on duty, thankfully, made me feel a whole ton better about the whole situation. My first few laps were hell. I simply felt like I could not get a breath. I swim at the lake a lot, and don't have quite as many problems there, so I just figured it was the fact that 4 of us were churning up the water and that was what was causing the difficulty. But the lifeguard looked at me and smiled and said, "It's so cold in there today, it's kinda hard to catch your breath!" Apparently the pool's heater has been out of commission for about 2 weeks. It hasn't mattered too darn much the past couple weeks because it's been quite warm (we're talking 90s) outside, but there was a soft but hard (figure that one out) rain midday and it cooled the day down considerably. I had noticed that the water felt a little colder than it had last Thursday when I took that water aerobics class, but I figured I just wasn't "with it" or something. Turns out it wasn't me...even the aerobics instructor complained in the locker room that it was cold out there.
I did second guess myself a lot throughout. I have a bit of a trouble swimming in front of other people...especially considering the expert swimmer a few lanes over. He was taking a lot more breaks than I was but he could do about 4 laps in the time it took me to do 1. He was strong and fast and had those gorgeous swimmer shoulders. (He was really yum, though. And was the first one to talk to me trying to encourage me to take my lane while wonky swimming guy was trying to hog two. He even got the lifeguard's attention so that she could correct the dude so I could swim.) So I caught myself watching the other people in the pool and I realized that I breathe a whole lot less than they do. While they were breathing every 2 strokes, I only breathe every 4. I tried doing it their way, but it just didn't feel right. It wasn't until I looked at expert swimmer dude and saw he was a 4-stroke breather that I realized I might not be doing it wrong, maybe I just have better lungs or something. In the end, I figured I wasn't trying out for the Olympic swimming team, I was getting a workout and having fun, and I was going to go with what my body felt was right. 4-stroke breaths it is! Now if I could just figure out how those people turn at the end to come back... *lol* I've always wanted to be able to do that. (Of course, considering I had to catch my breath after nearly every lap last night, it wasn't really all that important anyhow...but one day I'd like to do 2 laps without stopping...maybe more.)
So, yeah, Dara Torres and Michael Phelps don't have any worries about me challenging them in a pool, but it is something I enjoy and something I'm quite good at (I suppose), especially given the fact that it took me quite a while to actually LEARN how to swim. *lol*
Even yesterday on my way home I kept thinking about Hot Swimmer Dude's shoulders. They were the most gorgeous things ever! ;) And I realized that I've always had broad and strong shoulders. When I lift, it's the first thing that seems to get strong and firm. I even broke a collarbone on the way into this world because of these broad shoulders of mine. So maybe I was built with swimmer shoulders...maybe I should embrace that. ;)
Anyhow, I can't say my mood is all that considerably improved from the past few weeks/months, but I did have a lot more fun yesterday...and swimming is one thing, like running, where doing it only makes me want to do it more. I think I'll go back Thursday and see if I can get 22 laps in 25 minutes (maybe I'll have hope if they finally get that darn heater working!). I Googled it when I left the gym. 1 mile = 1760 yards which = 88 laps in that pool. So 22 laps would be 1/4 of a mile. We'll go from there and see if I improve over time. I know I've gotten stronger from last year, though. I figured as much at the lake when I was lapping the buoys, but this just proves it. Last summer I was struggling for 10 laps in pools about this size or even smaller...so to do 20 yesterday means I've doubled my stamina. Not too shabby.
I think there might be a new plan coming. I haven't worked it out in my head, but my June plans make me want to fall asleep, and I can't have that or I just won't do it (or I'll be pissed off the entire time I am doing it). So maybe it's time to go back and revamp and work in more swim time and such. Anything to keep me going.
I may have no hopes of losing weight (if you read my blog yesterday you know that whether I eat a little or a lot or in between, I seem to be maintaining this weight whether I want to or not), but I can at least stay excited about staying in shape until the weight is willing to budge, right?
EDIT: Actually, this site says a swimmer's mile is only 1650, not 1760, which means I actually was almost at 1/4 of a mile.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
If we're being completely honest, I don't want to do anything this week. The exhaustion and frustration of feeling like I'm stuck in a neverending loop has certainly done a number on me. I won't talk about it anymore [EDIT: But I can't help myself and eventually start saying it anyhow...] but to say *bangs head on desk repeatedly* and *just wants to go home and curl up and forget I ever had any goals that I'll likely never reach*.
So, anyhow, there's a plan for this week. There's always a plan. Not that it does any good anyhow.
Dinners for the week:
- Homemade pot roast with mashed potatoes
- Catfish and grilled asparagus
- Ground turkey tacos
Not sure what else but I did buy a big bag of frozen chicken breasts, so I'll probably make that into something one night. All out of brown rice, but I'm sure I can figure out some other things to put with it. Have bell peppers, squash and spinach in the fridge. Have salad with tuna pouches for lunches when needed. Also have fresh pineapple and watermelon (though we ate a lot of that at the cookout yesterday) and some apples and bananas.
The plan is to not end up at Kroger one time this week - because even though they called me Sunday to ask if I wanted a Monday shift (I didn't call back), I'm off all week. I do NOT want to show up there this week AT ALL. Either Hubs is picking it up or we'll make whatever we already have work for us.
Workouts planned for the week:
Sunday - Nada
Monday - Swim at the Lake (done! sorta...)
Tuesday - NROLFW B1
Wednesday - C25k W1D2
Thursday - NROLFW A2
Friday - Lap Swim (~30 mins)
Saturday - C25k W1D3
Yesterday I actually got a lot accomplished. Ethan and I got ready pretty quickly (and then had to wait around for Hubs) and headed up to P'burg to go to the Old Navy store. I had a $50 gift cert and needed a black shrug for my dress for this weekend. Also scored another set of black pants for work and a pretty green dress, which I'm wearing today with the shrug. All for free! *big grin* After that, we hit Chick-Fil-A. We usually end up in P'burg on Sundays so we rarely ever get to have CFA, and, yes, I'll admit it, their waffle fries are the real draw. So we each had a yummy sandwich and waffle fries and then headed out to the lake.
The only real issue I ran into at the lake is that I forgot to bring a hair tie. Now when I'm serious about swimming, my hair MUST be up and back. Otherwise, it does what it did yesterday...it strangles me when I try to bring my head up to the side for a breath. *sigh* I did as much as I could. I improvised by swimming with my head out of the water (not as much fun or as much of a workout) and then used some netting from a toy I'd bought Ethan at the dollar store to tie it up - which got me a good lap in before it fell down and I had to readjust it. I tried to do what I could but I'd be surprised if I even got 20 minutes of swimming done yesterday because of that. (And now I want my hair cut more than ever! It's getting out of control!)
We left the lake around 4pm and headed home to shower and change for the BBQ my MIL was hosting. I will freely admit right now that I ate way too much. A hotdog AND a hamburger and a few deviled eggs and some macaroni salad and baked beans. *sigh* I felt like I was back to my old eating habits pre-2010...and that's just stupid. But...part of me also doesn't care any more. I had some ice cream later...after I tried to be good and just have watermelon and pineapple, and after I said, "Thank you, but no" to my youngest who offered to scoop me out some ice cream earlier...I went and had ice cream. And part of me still didn't care.
Was in bed at a decent hour and up on time for work today. So I guess that's good, at least.
Today I just feel off. I can't describe it any better than that. Tired, yes. And feeling like my life is getting quite stale and boring. And I have a big problem with that...and that's probably what's been bugging me most lately.
Prior to this job, I never stayed anywhere longer than 8 months. I've been with this agency for almost 6 years now, but I've held 3 different positions in that time. I spent my probationary 6 months as a receptionist before I moved up to Secretary. And then I started school and had 3 years of juggling. I took a whole semester off work so I could focus on school full-time and my hours changed a lot each semester to accommodate my courseload. But then I graduated from school. And every graduate school I applied to rejected me. And every writing and publishing job gave me a big fat no (well, actually, they just never responded). And so I was stuck here, but at least there was an opening. I moved up to Investigator in February of last year. And now? Now I'm just treading water. And I *hate* that feeling. I don't know why I'm the kind of person who can never just settle down and settle in, but it's almost impossible for me to stop moving. Maybe I'm part shark.
For a while, losing weight and dropping sizes and seeing my body change in front of my eyes was change enough. I got to see progress. I got to try new things. I got excited about doing challenges and being a part of something great. And then everyone was running forward while I got stuck behind with injuries and now it's just really hard and confusing to move forward because I can't figure out what I did wrong and how to fix it...and, most days, I just don't care anymore.
I care about still being fat. Of course I care about that. Probably too much, actually. I hate on my body a lot. Because before I was seeing changes and I started dreaming about what my body might look and feel like when I was smaller. And now, I'm stuck. And I know what this feels like...and it feels like being still fat.
So, yes, I have plans. And I don't want to do a single one of them. But I'll probably force myself to do them because I friggin' hate my body right now and I can't ration out why I'm not progressing much anymore (and any progress I do have is slower than a snail's pace now) and I get bored standing still...and I'm kinda hurt from being so brave for so long.
I've never been one to be able to stand out front of anything for very long. Didn't matter much because I never got any roles in high school because of my weight. Choir performances where I got solos sent me into momentary panic modes, but eventually the performance came and went and it was over and on to the next thing.
When I heard a friend of mine had run a marathon in just under 8 hours, my main reaction (other than WOOHOO!!!!) was, "Can you imagine running for 8 hours straight!? Can you imagine doing ANYTHING for 8 hours straight?!" Yeah, I can't. I hate standing still. (And that, my loves, is why I also hate my part-time job...I do nothing but stand and do the same thing for 8 hours straight.) If I'm home for too long, I want to go somewhere. If I'm out too long, I want to go home. I used to move all the items in my bedroom around about every 6 months or somehow change what it looked like because I got bored of it.
I looked back over my posts. The last time I lost actual pounds somewhat consistently was in November. That means it's been just over 6 months since I really noticed a difference in how I felt, how I moved, how clothes fit, and the numbers I got to see on the scale. I'm bored.
I know it's no excuse...but it's all I can figure.
And I can't quite figure my way out right now either.
I've been trying to fill my time with little things to count down to - like in going to DC again, or like going to an amusement park with the kids where they assure me I WILL fit on the rides and I've promised to try at least once (but I'm completely terrified of it - not because I'll feel humiliated...I can deal with that, I've had that one down for YEARS now, but because I don't want my heart breaking any more when I realize I haven't really gotten anywhere when I thought maybe I had). But none of it is working. And though I know I'm supposed to go and lift tonight, that isn't exciting me at all. It doesn't even feel like circles anymore...it's a dreaded treadmill where I keep walking and I'm going nowhere. And I'm sick and tired of it. And I want off. I need something to change...but I really want to change for the better, not to change just to change. So that's the bit of growing up I've been trying to do lately. Don't just change back to bad habits because you need to change something - keep looking for ways to move forward instead. Been hard. All the doors look locked and barred. No matter how many calories I eat, low, high or in between, I stay about the same weight. No matter what kind of food I eat, I get tired about 3pm. No matter how many times I say that THIS is it, it's really not...it's just another step on the treadmill.
Oh, and my brother's wedding is on Saturday. Though I fit better in my dress now, I've become completely self-conscious about my entire body again. When I was shrinking, I was just getting to love things and then they'd shrink again...but now I've been this way for a while and I don't see it positively anymore...I just see what needs changing. It's not a good headspace to be in.
Nothing new to report.
...that's not necessarily a good thing...
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