Monday, September 02, 2013
For whoever it was who is such a cranky person that they need to report a link to an etsy shop that illustrates what I do with a great deal of my time, you suck.
Friday, February 08, 2013
Yep, I put myself WAY, WAY outside of my comfort zone and did a Boudoir photo shoot. Partly for myself and partly for my wonderful boyfriend. It was something I had been planning since late November, I believe. I spent hours online researching 'plus size' lingerie and tips for 'plus size' posing tips, etc. I bought an obscenely expensive authentic steel boned corset (figured if steel wasn't enough to suck it all in and keep it all in place then nothing ever would) and schemed away.
I did the photo shoot a few weeks ago. The photographer actually came to my house, I had one of my best friends here to give me moral support and lend a hand with tying me up into the corset as well as making sure that when I got the 'deer in headlights' look that she would help me adjust the pose, etc. I have to say, we had a blast. It was so many laughs, so much fun. I opted for a package with the photographer that included having my hair and makeup done and then won a 50% off raffle at her website to go towards my sitting. So....Score! She is a local woman who is just getting started with beginning a photo business so her rates were already ridiculously reasonable and with the 50% off it was only $80.
The difficult thing is that she was laid low with the flu for a week and a half. So while I have a handful of preview photos, I don't have the final package to get printed into the book I was planning for my fella. This was originally going to be for his birthday which was yesterday but due to the flu, I had pushed out to next Thurs. Then yesterday the photographer had a family emergency and had to leave town due to what appears to be the imminent death of a family member. Very sad.
Needless to say, I don't anticipate having the photos in time for Valentine's day either. My little pictures certainly are not as important as her family. So on the fly I wrote up a letter for my boyfriend explaining why I chose to do this for him. (not 1 girlie mag, not one porn and not one time have I ever 'caught' him looking at another woman in 8 years. Even when I weighed almost 300 lbs and couldn't love myself, he loved me) and then sent him 3 photos as a 'preview' of what was to come as part of his birthday present.
It was a HUGE hit. He was amazed, I think more at the idea that I would do it than the few pictures he got. (I am notorious for being exceedingly un-photogenic) Anyway, after a really lovely dinner of T-bones, twice baked potatoes and corn, he requested that I show him the corset as he was curious since none of the pics he got showed it.
Let me just say that it was a very romantic evening and I no longer have even one doubt that he will LOVE whatever pictures I have made up for him. It was so nice to feel desirable and to be desired.
I was going to wait until I was at my goal weight to do this and then decided that my life won't begin 50 lbs from now, why should I wait? Photoshop exists for a reason if there is anything that I really couldn't live with. For myself, it was absolutely empowering and seeing myself in some of those photos, I understand now some of what he sees in me-physically at least!
If any of you ladies out there have wondered about doing one of these shoots, either for yourself or your partner, it was a very positive experience for me and I would advise that you give it a shot! I will leave you with a couple of pictures.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Have you ever had the bad fortune to have all of your 'couple' friends falling apart at the same time? Marital problems for all of them. The only ones not struggling right now are Dave and I.
These are people who we have spent countless hours and days with camping, laughing, grilling, and just being with. They are honorary aunts and uncles to our kids. I care more about what happens with them than with many members of my own family so it's been difficult to try to be supportive and optimistic while watching them all unravel.
We spent a great evening Friday night with 1/2 of each of the 3 couples, the other halves either being at home or at work. Lots of laughs, good times. Sat morning, I head out to grab breakfast with 1 of the couples and the wife from another one. I mentioned that the husband from the 3rd couple had stayed the night before until almost midnight and suddenly things got weird. I couldn't figure out what I had said or done but the vibe was there.
We all ended up back at our house and when the wife of the couple that was there left to drive the other wife that had come to breakfast home, the husband of the couple confessed to Dave and I that his wife had been having an affair with the husband of the couple that was not there that day. The one I had mentioned at breakfast. There is huge back story and history between all of these people as they were a group of friends that I 'inherited' when Dave and I met.
Never in all of my life could I have even imagined that I would be standing in my home, watching one of my closest friends fall to pieces and cry because his wife, one of my closest friends, had been having an affair with another of our closest friends, who is also married. He pulled himself together before she got back and Dave and I simply pretended we knew nothing because, what do you do in that situation and we were both rather stunned.
Dave and I have spent the rest of the weekend swinging between sadness because our circle of friends will NEVER be the same again to disappointment because, what were they "thinking" to disgust and anger.
I am left with the knowledge that one of my closest friends who I thought had been open with me had omitted this entirely from all of our conversations. While I have been vocal in my derision for people who commit adultery, I was a wife who was cheated on, I can imagine she felt I might judge her but it hurts me that she didn't trust my friendship after years and years of closeness.
I can't pretend I don't know, it simply feels dishonest but I don't know how to let her know that I know. At the same time, I am a bit apprehensive that my daughter will find out because she doesn't forgive easily. She has a soft spot for her 'uncle'-he even took her for her driver's ed test so she could get her license and then turned her loose with his car immediately afterwards so she could have fun. When she was being threatened at the school bus stop before we moved out of the city, he was the one sitting in his car at 7am watching her at the bus stop to be sure no one was hassling her for weeks. She will never forgive his wife which will make get-togethers that much more awkward. And how do you explain to your kids, even the almost grown ones, this kind of debauchery?
I am heartsick today, very little sleep last night again. My dear friend's face as he cried and cried (he is a very macho guy-I didn't ever think I would see him cry) keeps running through my head. How do I be there for all of my friends? Such a mess.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Hello all- Been awhile but I was determined to carve out a few minutes this morning to blog about our vacation which I have been meaning to do since we got home, over a week ago.
We went to St. Johnsville, NY to mine for Herkimer Diamonds (they are crystal but nicknamed diamonds because of their clarity)
This was the first time my fella and I have ever gone on a weeks vacation without anyone else along. None of the kids came and none of our friends came. It was wonderful. 6 entire days alone.
We got to our campsite on Sunday and settled in. First thing Monday morning, we were out in the mine digging. There is Dave picking a spot on the wall here I am in the first half hour working on a boulder. This is what we were looking for.
After several hours in the hot 90 degree sun, we went back to the campsite for lunch and to rest for about an hour. Then right back out in the mine. We mined for 8 hours that day.
The 2nd day was so hot, high 90's, that we knew we couldn't do the mine that day so we took a little drive and went to Howe Caverns which was about 45 minutes away. The excellent thing about being in the cavern-it's always 52 degrees down there. It was a glorious respite from the heat. When we finished there we went down the street to Secret Cavern and, it was also a blessed 50 degrees. There was also a lovely waterfall at the end of the cavern. On the way home we stopped at a cute little Italian place for a late lunch and we had an unbelievably delicious chicken pesto pizza. My mouth waters just thinking about it. I felt that a couple pieces of pizza and some stuffed mushrooms were pretty decent choices considering this was my ONLY eating out experience on my vacation.
The next day it was cooler and we were back out in the mine. Which was exactly what happened the day after that and the day after that. We learned that 3 days of mining in a row is rough on the body! We were cut, scratched, scraped, bruised and sore all over and we had a marvelous time. By the way, if anyone ever wants to go do this-you will be filthy.
As a lasting souvenir, I will carry this sock tan line around for at least the rest of the summer. 8-10 hours a day in the mine in summer, quite a bit of it sitting Indian style results in this:
It was a wonderful vacation and we can't wait to go back again. We came home with some truly beautiful crystals and now I just have to learn how to wire wrap jewelry and Xmas presents are all set. By the way, I gained 1 lb and I believe that much of that was water weight because I drank diet soda (plus water) each day and normally I don't drink the soda. I was sad to come home!
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
So life has been so hectic and generally unpleasant lately that I took a bit of time yesterday to get my measurements in as I had not done so in quite some time. About 4 months time. I have been losing weight again finally which is such a relief!
I began this journey almost 2.5 years ago. I started WW, lost 43 lbs in 5 months. Then I got sick with an abscess and it took me 4 months to get in to see a specialist to see if any damage had been done. During those months, I did not focus on weight loss, just management and I did well.
Got the ok from the Dr. Went back to WW and paid them to gain back 5 lbs on their new plan. Left WW after 90 days and decided to quit smoking. Did so and gained back 30 lbs of the 43 I had lost. Add that to the 5 that the new WW plan added and I was almost back to square one.
Got very motivated and was working out like mad. Zumba all the time, burning thousands of calories a week. No weight loss. I couldn't get the weight to move for anything. I upped my calorie range, swapped up how I was exercising, ate different things, ate the same thing every day for lunch & breakfast. I did everything. No real progress. A couple lbs here and there. I think I lost maybe 5 lbs all summer long.
In October I began to have crippling stomach pains. I went to the ER. They told me to go to the Dr. Went to the Dr, she wanted to refer me to a specialist. I couldn't get an appointment with the specialist until early December. So two months of non-stop stomach pain. I ate whatever I could tolerate. I exercised not at all because who wants to add soreness on top of just pain. Additionally, the fear of what this could be was horrible.
Beginning in Dec. with my first appt with the GI doc, the testing began. It took 2 more months to get a diagnosis and the stomach pain continued through all of that time. I lost weight between Oct and Feb but it was about 10-15 lbs, and it was because I was going for significant time barely eating because it hurt.
So since February I have been diagnosed with:
A adenomatous polyp in my intestines (which was removed)
Small Intestinal Bacterial Overgrowth (this was the stomach pain)
and now I am Pre-Diabetic.
WTF? I am 38 years old and I felt fine until I started to try to get healthy. It has literally felt as though my body declared war on me as soon as I wanted to lose weight. I have struggled and generally felt like stomped sh*t most of the time.
After asking several of these doctors for advice because I was now losing no weight at all and being told to exercise more and then I would cry because I knew that wasn't it. I mentioned many time that perhaps it was an issue with my levels due to the fact that I also have PCOS which had not been treated since I was diagnosed about a decade ago. Nothing.
I begged the GI doctor for help. She sent me to a nutritionist who works with women with PCOS. She got it. She understood. She had heard my story a thousand times. And she explained how I should eat. That was March 5th.
After 'failing' a two hour fasting glucose test and officially being pre-diabetic and not just insulin resistant anymore, I got a referral to the Endocrinologist suggested to me by the nutritionist. That was in June. She put me on Metformin-2000 mg a day and promised me that I did not have to live this way anymore. That we would get me to a place where I wouldn't feel the way I had been and that it was not acceptable to ask anyone to keep going with all of those things and symptoms without offering relief that has been available all along.
I have done the courses of antibiotics required for the Small Intestine Bacterial Overgrowth and am hopeful that two courses will take care of the issue. Unfortunately, my GI track doesn't appear that it will ever be quite the same again. Exceedingly sensitive.
Since March 5th, I have lost 22.6 lbs and 11.15 inches off my body. I had not paid any attention. After all the work, I was so relieved to be doing well and it never sunk in. I am back to the 43 lbs I had lost and can continue downward with less resentment because I am no longer doing it twice.
I need to begin to exercise but honestly, I think I am a little afraid to push my body at all right now. It has been excruciatingly difficult to begin to even feel better at all, I fear the soreness. I fear the pain because I just feel like I got out from under pain. I know it is a mental thing and I will get there.
I am proud of myself. I have done well through some pretty awful times recently. And I would like to give a big ol' middle finger to my doctors who looked at me like the fat chick wanting the excuse to be fat when I asked for help instead of really hearing me and listening to me. I told you there was something wrong!
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