CAGIRAFFE   33,081
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CAGIRAFFE's Recent Blog Entries

Really feeling good!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

I've really been feeling great about myself lately! Sunday my son and I ran - I completed the 10k in 58:09, and awesome time for me, and my son ran 1 mile in 8:39, his first race ever! We had a great time, and I can't wait until our next racing weekend.

Weight is staying down, I'm making better food choices overall than I was a couple weeks ago. I've really been looking good lately, even my hairdresser (whose size I've always admired, and she's tall like me!) said that I didn't need to lose any more weight, I'm looking good. Why does her opinion matter so much to me? I don't know, other than she's always been honest with me in the past regarding all things beauty, so I trust her to give me an objective answer. But I've been feeling good about myself lately - all of a sudden, I see myself in the mirror and think I look good, rather than picking out miniscule (or imaginary) bulges and imperfections. I think in between 155 and 160 will be perfect for me, and I can finally be at peace with my weight and size. Overall, I haven't been stressing out so much about my weight and appearance, and that's a good thing!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BLACKHOLECALI 9/18/2007 9:27AM

  That's wonderful! I'll get brief periods of loving how I look, and it's always such a nice change to look in the mirror and not debate wearing something looser. It's awesome to let your mind have a rest! And you should feel good about yourself, you look great :D

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The low is too low?

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Well, the weekend was mostly fabulous. Saturday was a comedy of errors, including my race being canceled :(. Sunday and Monday were great days...really didn't like having to go back to work on Tuesday! I'm looking at racing a 10k this weekend to make up for the canceled race.

I'm back to the age old question of when I should stop losing weight. As of right now, I'm 6'1", a mostly comfortable size 6, weighing in at 159 as of this morning. 77 pounds are gone. There are many indicators to me that I'm skinny "enough" - various bones are starting to pop out, my face has gotten quite thin, the fact that I only wear a 6 when I stand at least half a foot taller tha most women. But do I look in the mirror and see a skinny person? Nope. Not at all....I still see a "big" person.

I'm now 16 pounds under my initial goal of 175. I haven't committed to maintenance yet - I keep lowering my goal weight, and every time I meet the goal I enter a lower goal weight, just so I won't be on maintenance. Currently I'm set on getting to 158 by the end of December...which gives me an insane calorie range of 1810-2260 or something like that. If you look at my food tracker, you can see I rarely (if ever) make it that high. I'm never hungry, I eat all day long, and life is good. When I hit 160, there was just something about wanting to see one-fifty-something on the scale...and now I'm there, already wondering if I could actually get down to 149. It doesn't end. I have weighed that little before, and I don't think I was healthy then...I look at pictures and think about how skinny/bony I was. But it doesn't stop me from looking at weight loss as a challenge to lose "just one more pound".

I've tried to shift my focus to other things - I'm training for my half-marathon, working on being more consistent with strength training, refocusing on other aspects of my life. But the food controls me now. It's a little scary how something I used to never pay any attention to now controls my life. It's not clear to me yet what I need to do to regain control over my own life, but I'm working with the counselor I've been seeing to come up with new ideas. In the meantime, I'm working to eat more calories, but that's far easier said than done. I keep telling myself that it will help my running...but I'm not sure I believe it yet.

Last but not least, my sleep schedule is still screwed up. I slept for 4 hours Friday night, not at all on Saturday, and about 3 hours on Sunday night. Monday night was about 4 hours, and last night was a whopping 5! Frankly, I'm amazed I'm still functioning...but I don't feel tired, so I'm just trying to work with it for now.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLCOLMAN 9/6/2007 11:15AM

    Knowing when to stop is a hard question - on many fronts... I say do what feels right, what is healthy, keep an eye on your body fat %, and listen to people that you trust about how you really are looking because lets be honest we have a hard time seeing ourselves as we actually honestly are. Good luck!

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CAGIRAFFE 9/5/2007 4:26PM

    My body fat is approximately 20%...I don't believe that's too low? In high school when I played competitive sports, my body fat was closer to 15%.

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OUTOFCONTROL 9/5/2007 4:24PM

    My answer to that dilemma is to have my body fat tested. It is a better indicator of health. If you get to the bottom of the acceptable body fat range for women, then you know it's too low.

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Thursday, August 30, 2007

Things are looking's amazing what you can get out of life when you put a little effort into it!

Work's going great. It usually is, because I like my job and most of the people I work with. My supervisor is AWESOME. But I got not one, but two raises this month! To make things better, one was retroactive to July, so I got a bonus check too! I got some old cases off my desk this month too, which makes me feel good. With everything happening in my personal life the last few months, I hadn't been giving work my full attention, and it feels great to be back in the swing of things.

Next, I got DSL at home. Finally. I've had dial-up this whole time, until yesterday....the DSL fairy came! It's great. Used to take me 33 MINUTES to download a song to my it's 17 SECONDS. Yee haw!!! I got a bunch of great new tunes for working out and singing along while I work. I love music, it can totally make my mood...and now I can download it in a timely fashion!

Third, I met a guy! Okay, that sounds pathetic, so let me rephrase it: I met a guy that's taller than me, is friendly and has a great sense of humor, and shares my interests! After my disastrous marriage, I'm ready for this! Anyhow, we're going to hang out Sunday, and I'm totally stoked! He makes me feel great, and that's what it is important.

It's going to be an awesome holiday weekend - visiting my brother and his wife on Friday night, running a 5k Saturday morning at the coast (and it's my son's first race!), seeing my guy on Sunday...good thing I have Monday to recover!

The only (small) problem: I can't sleep! I'm literally like a kid at Christmas. I haven't been to bed yet tonight, and it's not going to happen - I run in half an hour! This is totally not like me, I normally need my 8 hours to fully function. I only slept 3 hours the night before too...I expect to be tired tonight!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLCOLMAN 8/30/2007 5:59PM

    Hope you have a fantastic weekend!!

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Back to the grind...

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

I'm back at work, now that the big move is over. My son started school this week too...he's a fourth grader. He loves school, even though he's changed schools almost every year. He makes friends really easily, and next week he'll be tested for the school's gifted program. I hope he makes it, my biased opinion is that he's certainly qualified.

I'm struggling with loneliness :( and I'm thinking about returning to the dating scene. Actually, "returning" might be too strong a verb...I was talking with a friend over bagels this morning, and I realized I have been on exactly ~ONE~ date in my entire adult life. I've met guys at parties, hung out with groups of friends, volunteered at events with friends, gone over to people's houses. But actually gone on a dinner-and-a-movie date? ONCE. How pathetic is that? Obviously I'm not looking for anything serious at this point in time, I have a lot on my plate as it is. But I'd love to meet some new people, since I shared my former social circle with my husband. I also can't help but think that if I had been more social before meeting my husband, I would've somehow been able to see his anti-social and addictive ways before I married him. Hmmm....anyways, I'm going to promise myself that I'll say hi to at least 5 random strangers this week, just to get in the game (if that makes any sense at all). And if they happen to be cute strangers, so much the better!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLCOLMAN 8/22/2007 4:59PM

    Try to have fun with it - dating can be a scary place, or it can be a lot of fun! :) Good luck!

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MISSDIANE1 8/22/2007 3:59PM

    Hey Bonnie, don't feel badly about never going out on "real" dates. I never did either. I used to go to dinner with my now husband just as friends. We used to work together and wanted to keep in touch, so about once a month we went out to dinner. Our goodbyes were always just a quick hug and off we'd go on our merry way. One night he actually kissed me goodnight, I got in my car - stunned and sat there for a minute and the first thing that came to my mind was - I'm going to marry that man. Now, take into consideration that I really didn't care for him while we worked together. I was in production, he was in QA, we didn't see eye to eye on anything, but as we looked back after we got married, we always ended up together at company functions.

Oh, the point of the story - hang in there and the right person will definitely come along. My mom always used to tell me that I would know and I hate to say this out loud, but she was right. After that first date we were married less than a year later. He is wonderful, so you will find somebody wonderful also!

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The biggest changes are the hardest to make...

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Well, it's been....eleven days since my last entry? I don't know that there's enough space available for me to write about all the changes in my life over the past week.

Last Saturday I left my husband. Literally took off and didn't look back. It's been in the works for awhile, although I didn't tell my husband of my plans to leave. My husband has many great quailities, including supporting my weight loss efforts. Unfortunately, these are overshadowed by his addiction to alcohol. I could go on and on about the effects of his addiction on our marriage, but the truth is that unless you've been in the situation of trying to make a life with somebody's who addicted, then you can't understand how it is. If you've been in that position, then you don't need to hear it from me. While I did commit to standing by my husband through sickness and health (and addiction is certainly a sickness), I cannot continue to support anyone who is that abusive to myself and especially my son. Our house is going back to the bank, another sad foreclosure in California (our city is something like 6th nationwide in foreclosures right now). I feel awful that I shirked my responsibility on the mortgage, but we couldn't make the house payment when we were married, and there certainly wasn't any way that I could make it without my husband's income.

So, my son (not my husband's child) and I have a new start. From what I understand, my husband has entered rehab, and I wish him all the success in the world at beating his addiction. It's too late to save our marriage, but he can be a better father to his children and a happier person if he's sober. In the meantime, I'll be honest - I'm extremely lonely, and very sad.

I've started training for the Santa Clarita half-marathon, which is November 4th. Today I ran 8.83 miles, a new personal record for me, and averaged just over 10 minutes per mile. My next race is September 1st in San Pedro, and it will likely be my son's first race! I'm trying to use my running to stay on track during this difficult time. My eating habits have been poor recently, due to the stress and the move, but I'm trying to get back on track. Overall, I've continued to lose weight, but probably not in the healthiest way.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLCOLMAN 8/20/2007 5:46PM

    Sorry to hear about everything you are going through right now. Hopefully brighter times are on the horizon.

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L.I.L.MOMMY 8/20/2007 7:44AM

    I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles, even though it probably is for the best it can't be easy. Will all the turmoil due to come your way, I'm sure you don't need any additional demands on your time....please don't feel obligated to being the guest speaker for our team....I'm sure everyone would understand. Wishing you all the best. Tracy

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