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Reflecting on the day

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

In terms of sticking with my meal plan, it was another off day. Ever since last Friday I've been off the wagon and just not able to get myself back on board. It's like I have no will to try to follow my meal plan at all, and even exercise. I wouldn't say I am depressed, I'm actually feeling pretty good, but I just can't seem to get myself to care. What's that about? All I seem I want to do is eat and watch tv. I'm not sure where to go from here. It's scary since this way of doing things does eventually lead to weight gain, and I had actually been making progress. And it's not just about weight gain, it's about the bad habit.

I feel like I've filled my head with loads of information about what a healthy lifestyle is and how in theory to follow one, but I just can't figure out how to stick to one, like really really. Not sure how to grow that deep down thing that keeps you on track from the inside, whatever it is, motivation, discipline, conviction, energy, dedication, hard work.

I guess I feel like I'm not sure what the point is- maybe that's the place to start.

Help welcome guys :)


Reflecting on 12/20 and prepping for 12/21

Monday, December 20, 2010

Today I did well!

1. I was very kind to myself (not a lot of down talk)
2. I did both my cardio and muscular structure work
3. I finished my Christmas shopping
4. I got my hair cut! (looks supa cute)
5. I am decompressing in the evening over tea and brain de-fogging through blogging

Tomorrow my main goals will be to:
1. Make it to my cardio and muscular structure workouts
2. Incorporate quickfire challenge
3. Go to the library and checkout books for papers
4. Go to group in the evening
5. Read DBT materials

I may go ahead in the morning and schedule that looong awaited massage for after group....

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NEELIXNKES 12/22/2010 9:50AM

    Hope Tuesday was a successful day!

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I am resolving to -, too!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Princess Twisty left an awesome blog about setting resolutions for the new year. She framed the notion so well in taking big dreams and goals out of the boring ambiguity they usually hold and setting them in the firm, exciting, terms of resolving. So I'm taking a leaf out of her thorough book... Thanks Twisty!

So I am going to try and replicate her quest to determine what it is she wants to commit to changing in order to get what she wants out of life.

What do I want our of my life?
I want to reduce the impact of ED in my life.
I want to be ready for work world.
I want to be more outward oriented (in a healthy way).
I want to be more steady with my weight and eating habits.
I want to pursue dancing.

So said as resolutions:

This coming year of 2011
I resolve to do all I can to recover from my ED.
I resolve to enter confidently into the workforce.
I resolve to achieve my ACE certification.
I resolve to finding a joyful balance in my health and wellness.
I resolve to finding ways to give back.

So here are my goals as they relate to each resolution:

Resolution: I resolve to do all I can to recover from ED
Goal: Reduce the incidence of bingeing, especially in high stress times. I'll measure this by checking my streaks (thanks Spark for keeping track!)
-Attending weekly group and continuing in counseling
-Practicing DBT skills regularly, several times a week
-Email my nutritionist every day, even when life is stressful
-Do the Sparkpeople stress buster month-long challenge

Resolution: I resolve to enter confidently into the workforce
Goal: Pursue steps necessary to apply and interview for jobs in the cty
-Update my resume
-Re-visit the career center: have resume reviewed, sign-up for practice interviews
-Search for jobs online
-Send in resume and set up interviews

Resolution: I resolve to achieve my ACE certification
Goal: Be ready for ACE exam by June 2011
-Spend at least 10 minutes a day/5 days per week on ACE preparation
-Set up completion schedule for chapters in each book

Resolution: I resolve to finding a joyful balance in my health and wellness.
Goals: Specifically this means incorporating more enjoyable activity and right rest
-Continue to tap II
-Continue in Go-Go class
-Practice yoga on a weekly basis
-Take a ballet class
Goals: Finding a steady weight
-Staying in calorie range as many days as possible (tied to ED recovery)
-Regularly reworking my fitness/rest programs to keep in interesting
-Finishing and incorporating principles from sleep challenge
-Complete Sparkpeople bootcamp challenge

Resolution: I resolve to find ways to give back
Goals: Find an opportunity to volunteer
-Look into helping with church homeless shelter on a monthly basis

I am excited for these resolutions. I hope they revitalize my daily life efforts.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARGARITTM 12/20/2010 10:35AM

    OMG - this is awesome.

concrete ideas!

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Toppling off the wagon, shaking it off, and jogging to catch up with the wagon

Monday, December 20, 2010

After my grandmother's death a week ago friday, and last weeks finals, I felt like I toppled off the healthy habit wagon. Major lost sleep, failing to pay attention to my hunger signals (and blatantly ignoring them when I recognized them) and missing the gym loads, have all taken a toll of my motivation. You know how good streaks can propel you forward? Well the same can be said for unhealthy streaks- they can propel you backwards!

I keep trying to resent goals and such to get me back on track, but so far to no avail. I really cant figure it out. I know what's good for me, what I want, what feels right to my body, but instead I go for the immediate gratification of staying up late, skipping the workout, and eating as many m&ms and potato chips as I want.

I would really like to get to the bottom of this but am not sure where to start. I do have a few ideas though.

1. I am working in a 'deficit' mentality, like I've spent too many calories, so that every day I feel like I want to 'make it up' and every workout is just to 'catch up', which in the end makes every workout and every healthy meal feel like punishment for having been 'bad', rather than as beautiful parts of a fulfilling life. I am not sure how to switch that mentality, but I need to.
2. I am no longer emailing my nutritionist. Not because she said not to, but because I have been avoiding the accountability. It's like I don't want to be good.
3. I am feeding myself negative self-talk at a greater rate than usual. Thoughts like "if you keep this up you're going to ruin all your hard work," and "i can't believe you ate like that and are refusing to get on track- what's your problem?" Definitely guilting myself. So a pattern of bullying and self-punishment and avoidance.
4. I feel dread about the stress of the coming week and fear about what it will bring. I also feel fear that my 'mistakes' will begin to show-up on my hips right away. So I am putting way too much pressure on myself, anticipating the worst, and really blowing things way out of proportion. It won't really be that bad, likely. If I could do two good weeks before, I can do it again :)

This weekend I got to perform a Christmas dance with my go-go class and it was LOADS of fun (cute outfit, fun song, and the audience sure enjoyed it). I also finally bought those boots with my gift money- ends up I was able to get two pair! (at Jcrew, cuz of a sale!) I was the only one from my fam that went to Church this weekend, and after a very loooong spell of dreading church, I was actually glad to be there. The sermon addressed feeling cynical and doubtful and how it's ok to be there, there is room for that.... The weekend I definitely enjoyed myself and felt royally pampered. I really ought to let go of beating myself up and just enjoy grand days like Saturday.

I am tempted to 'punish' myself tomorrow (workout for like 3 hours and cut back on cals), but I know I won't for one, since I dont like unreasonable demands on myself, and furthermore, expecting that kindof ridiculousness from myself will just backfire. Instead I might just LET myself do the things I want to do, which are:

1) clean out my closet: I want to be able to donate some clothes for the holidays, and be able to actually fit all the sweaters I was given in my closet
2) I want to read my dbt materials again and try reincorporate them over the holiday. The eastern thought in them has so much wisdom, learning to stay more in the moment. part of this exercise might include writing more about loosing my grandma. i haven't been able to cry (apparently that's part of being on my meds), and writing might help release the pent-up feelings.
3) I would like to dance to workout instead of jumping on the boring elliptical
(so I won't literally 'jog' to catch up with the wagon, more like 'dance for joy' to catch up)
4) I would like to play my violin
5) I would like to finally paint my nails
6) it might be nice to do a bit of work on my papers, just so that I feel like I am making head-way, releasing some of the guilt and such of not doing anything
7) and i would like to use my tap floor some (im just nervous about the neighbor downstairs, even though he said it was ok if i used it... im just overly cautious and apologetic)
8) I get a haricut tomorrow! First in AGES

It's a lot to do, I don't expect to do all of it, but here I have a nice list to get me on my way.

I just want to keep reminding myself that things ill be ok, that I didn't ruin anything this past week with my eating habits, that the wagon just isnt as far ahead as I think it is. It's better to get back on by having reasonable expectations rather than to expect amazing acts of super-arrogation. For my revised workout/other goals this week I'll opt for this:

Sunday: Rest :D!
Monday: TA cardio dance and TA matworkout; play violin; Christmas shopping; hair cut; dbt; maybe closet?
Tuesday: Elliptical Machine and jogging and yoga; dbt; paper work
Wednesday: TA Cardio Dance and TA ppworkout; nails?
Thursday: Turbo Jam and TA Sequence I; make sure Xmas shopping is done; Christmas wrapping
Friday: TA Cardio dance and yoga; listen to broadcast of Kings College Lessons and Carols with my parents in the am; Christmas eve service; finish any Xmas wrapping :)
Saturday: Christmas! Maybe yoga before family arrives (Christmas celebration will be later in the day since my sister and niece won't arrive till later in the day)

I also hope to read the week three tips for the 3 week sleep challenge. It might be good to keep doing the sleep journal. It was definitely helpful and motivating last time I kept it, a couple weeks ago.

I think another part of my motivation drop-off is the inability to set a consistent schedule. I don't want to sound boring, but a regular schedule can really help 'stay on schedule' with other parts of life. With break and so much flex it's hard not to slip into bad habits.

I think a final helpful piece might be to re-read motivating articles and read motivating spark blogs to inspire me and revitalize my sense of being part of a team with dreams and goals. Maybe I'll refresh my sparkpage as part of that :)

Thanks to all of you who have been encouraging me along this journey, especially since the last year has been so tumultuous.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PRINCESS_TWISTY 12/20/2010 2:20AM

    I'm glad you're going to take it easier on yourself! Make sure you give yourself time to do the things you love.
I know exactly what you mean about being on a regular schedule...it's so much easier to maintain healthy habits when you have a schedule or a routine!
You can do this, just remember to enjoy the holiday season while it lasts!

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Goals for Christmas week and the next few days

Thursday, December 16, 2010

So I did the proverbial 'falling off the wagon' the past few days. Once everyone went their separate ways after the first few days of loss and mourning after my grandmother's death I turned back to my studies and my, well, life and I ate and ate and ate. Oooooops. I did record it all on my tracker, so I am glad for that moment of honesty. The damage is done, it's not undoable.

I think what I learned is that when something truly tragic hits you kindof have to soften your goals a little. Instead I took an all or nothing approach. Missed a workout, why workout out at all? At some comfort chocolate, why not eat the whole pantry too? How much better if I had said I'm going to miss a few workouts and prolly be a bit sloppy on eating and that's ok. I think I'll try that again soon. The 80% healthy approach.

I also learned that overall I'm doing pretty well with my binge eating habit, preventing it, finding alternatives, but that death is a pretty bad trigger. haha, I know. Truly though, I am not going to coast through death with grace.

This week and the next few days I am going to focus on being in control of the parts that I can be and taking care of myself in the areas I do not have control.

As for my workouts for the week up until Christmas:
Fri (tomorrow): Cardio dance and TA Matwork
Sat: TJ (40 minutes) and dance class
Sunday: Yoga (50 minutes)
Monday: Elliptical machine for 60 minutes and TA MW
Tuesday: TJ (50 minutes) and Pilates 50 minutes
Wednesday: Cardio dance and TA SI
Thursday: Elliptical for 60 minutes and TA PP
Friday: Cardio dance and TA SI
Saturday: Christmas!

My eating goals for the week up to Christmas is just to stay in my calorie range: 1400-1880 calories.

To do this I'll need to pay care to my emotions, need for fun, and need to attend to my responsibilities.

1. I'll aim to sleep 8 hours each night
2. I'll continue to keep a sleep journal
3. I'll blog each day about what I'm feeling or journal about it in my sleep journal
4. I'll spend 3+ hours Mon-Thurs at least on my papers
5. Keep a mood log each day

It's agreed between me and my T that I don't take enough time to just have fun.

So. This week I will:
1. ACTUALLY buy the shoes I promised myself (yeah, and it's with gift money meant for this and I still havent bought them because I dont feel deserving...)
2. ACTUALLY schedule the massage (perpaid, too.. just do it, right?)
3. Go to either Ulta or Sephora and spend time just smelling the perfumes (I LOVE doing this)
4. Back sugar cookies with my hubby (and we'll give them to neighbors and friends, except for one, of course)
5. ACTUALLY paint my nails white
6. Go Christmas shopping ( I DO find this fun :) just go to the mall)
7. Listen to more of my book on tape

Sounds like a lot of fun to me :)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JJJSMOM 12/28/2010 4:21PM

    I understand the loss you're going through. My mother passed on Dec. 3rd. I thought I was handling it well, until I realized that I've been binge eating, while telling myself I'm at peace. Recognizing that, I'm given myself permission to let it out more...to cry when I need to. I've tried to control my feelings to a degree, because I have a 7 year old son that misses his grandmom, too. We will get through this together. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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NEELIXNKES 12/17/2010 8:05AM

    Very sorry for your loss. It looks like you have a good plan this week. Hang in there and try not to beat yourself up in you slip during this time. emoticon

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IRISHEI 12/16/2010 8:06PM

I am so sorry to hear of your grandmother's death. I remember when my grandmother died I cried for hours and hours. She was so special to me. I am sorry you had to go through this. Recently I lost someone close to my age (friend) and I am really struggling with missing her. All I can say is if she was a faith filled person, than you know she is with Jesus. I know my friend is and that part makes me happy. Cherish the great memories and fun times and visits.
You are doing great for a time like this. Don't push yourself too much. You don't have to overdue it, just exercise and enjoy it for the energy it gives you. All the best to you and time does heal. Hugs to you, Eileen (Irish Ei) emoticon

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AMARAN 12/16/2010 7:58PM

    Good goals, hon!

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother's death. I know how that rocks one's world. **hugs** It's never a convenient time for someone to die, and I can't imagine the stress this has brought to finals and thesis. Was she a believer? Psalm 116:15 Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his faithful servants.

Praying for you, dearie!

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