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survival and food

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

ptsd- "I drag myself out of nightmares each morning and find there is no relief in waking." (Katniss, in Mockingjay, by Suzanne Collins

Last night there was a lot of orange, I think, and swirling. And running. But I woke up fine. I've grown accustomed to being lifted from my safety each night, knowing that each morning I'll find myself in the same bed where I had drifted off the night before. As long as I can come home every morning, I don't mind falling asleep and giving myself over to my unwaking thoughts.

It used to be the nightmares were there in the morning, too. I merely transitioned between them, night and day. I would sit in class and the images would crash over me, I would stare at the door wanting to run through it, to where I don't know. In my dreams I can at least try to run.

But awake I have to survive. I have to stay. I stay grounded in my seat.

To escape the day terrors I would eat. And eat. I wouldn't feel hunger (I mean, I wasn't really awake, was I?), and I wouldn't feel fullness. I would eat till I couldn't feel anything, and wait until the pain of food overtook the pain of waking. The two would collide and food, a stuffed belly, would win out and I had relief.

The battles between food and fear however are hardly suitable settings for healing. I needed to end the war so that the city, my heart, could be rebuilt.

I am ending the bingeing. Food is no longer my weapon.

As the images crash over me in class, I still stare at the door. I breathe. In. One. Two. Three. Out. One. Two. Three. I count, hairs, freckles, tiles, chairs. I remember where I am sitting. I am in class. I am listening to my professor. The class room is chilly. It is late at night. I ground myself in the moment, the real moment, and fight off the dream, which wants to claim the moment.

No longer is food fighting my battle, but I am. Now when I wake, it's me versus the nightmare. And I am winning. I am learning how safe and happy my life is right now. I am taking back the day.

As for my nights, I get in bed. I am safe in my home, safe in the arms of my love, and even though sleep takes me captive each night, I know I will wake-up to a bright, new morning.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

C-MERRIE11 12/9/2010 9:35PM

    argh, i have so much of that work to do... my T suggested a cd made by this woman from u of chicago (so creds are good i guess), where before bed i would listen to it to get in a better state of mind before bed, i guess, more relaxed, and be able to fall into a deeper sleep. i guess though that i am scared of sort of working my way around the nightmares, i mean, i dont ever want to forget... and the dreams keep it real... i know that sounds strange, could you relate to that? like i dont want to make the dreams go away until ive really dealt with things. my T thinks i have enough awareness and need to work on deeper sleep, but i donno, i havent talked really about what happened itself, more about how to live now, and i feel like im bursting with my own story, and i tell it to myself (in different and creative ways) each night... does that make any sense?

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1_AMAZING_WOMAN 12/9/2010 12:14AM

    I have PTSD, and many, many years were h%llish with nightmares. Often I would wake from my sleep thrashing and screaming. It really sucked. But, therapy and a lot of work on my part has brought them to almost non-existance. I can't remember when I had the last night-mare. I still have what I call 'feeling flashbacks' where things in the present give me these really awful feelings, and I can't place why I am having them, and then it dawns on me that those are the feelings I experienced in this/or that horrible past situation. I still have to deal with those feelings, but I know I am not there any more, and I can deal with them.

Time (and work) really does heal. You'll be amazed at how much.


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C-MERRIE11 12/8/2010 5:22PM

    you are so sweet, and a perfect use of carpe diem :D allowing myself to heal- that's good, ill hold on to that. i think i was so scared of my feeling so long that feeling like hungry and tired werent felt either. now im safe. and i can practice feeling hungry, and tired and the rest will follow. thanks so much dearie!

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PRINCESS_TWISTY 12/8/2010 5:20PM

    Carpe diem...take control, honey, you have the power to change this.
The nights are harder, I know, you can't control those. But you CAN control your days - and food is not the answer!
So eat when you're hungry, sleep when you're tired and ALLOW yourself to feel those feelings. Allow your conscious mind, which you can control, to deal with these feelings from your past. You are doing so well, keep yourself grounded.

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Inspirational... book on tape? :D

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

In the motivational strategies it was recommended that I watch an inspirational movie. Well, recently I downloaded a book on tape, a triology, and listened to all three books. The book was The Hunger Games. Through the story I was challenged about my own lifestyle, the 'Panem et circenses' of my American life. I was reminded of how privileged I am.
What surprised me most however was how much I related to the character of Katniss. Like her, I experience horrible nightmares, too (ptsd) and understand the feeling expressed in Mockingjay that the world seemed to have started and ended with her horrifying experiences, when really, as Plutarch points out, the world goes on... There will be more wars and tragedy, it didn't end with that one. A bleak picture I know, but Katniss found a way to keep living, even in her pain, and after all she had experienced, and that was cathartic for me.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ELLIEFUNT 12/8/2010 6:52AM

    GREAT BOOKS! Although, I've only officially finished Hunger Games. Haven't finished the 2nd book yet. Very well written and thought provoking. (I might do better if I upload it to my ipod.)

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NEELIXNKES 12/7/2010 2:26PM

    Hmmm... you are the second person to talk about this series this week. I guess I will have to add book 1 to my library list. Thanks for the insight.

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My three week exercise challenge :), week one done- and a reflection on fastbreaks in other areas of

Saturday, December 04, 2010

Ok, so I did one week of my high intensity program of exercise! I made every workout and I feel really good :)

It's hard to fit in exercise sometimes, and especially this amount, but I did it, by getting up on time, getting enough sleep, and just reminding myself that I somehow always find time to just sit around, which means that if I add up those pockets, I have more time for exercise.

As a reminder, here is what I did:

Sunday: rest
Monday: tracy anderson cardio dance (45 minutes)
tracy anderson mat workout (50 minutes)
Tuesday: Turbo Jam Sculpt (40 minutes)
Turbo Jam Ab Jam (20 minutes)
Zumba (50 minutes class)
Wednesday: elliptical (45 minutes- normally I would do ta dance again, but i couldn't this week)
tracy anderson sequence I mat workout (50 minutes)
Thursday: Pilates (50 minutes)
Zumba (50 minutes)
Friday: Elliptical (50 minutes)
tracy anderson post pregnancy mat workout (45 minutes)
Saturday: yoga (40 minutes)
psychedelic go-go dance class
tap level I class


So I'll be doing that again next week! It's a little silly to take measurements after a week and make a correlation, but nonetheless, here are my measurements on Sunday and then today:

Sunday 11/28
wt. 119.4 lbs
wst. 24"
hips 35.5"
r. thigh 21"
r. bicep 9"

Saturday 12/4
wt. 119.4lbs
wst. 23.5"
hips: 35.5"
r. thigh: 20"
r. bicep: 9"

the idea with a set program is to keep me from thinking about it, just do it, and then get on with the rest of my life.

unfortunately the rest of life is not as straight forward as exercise, which may be why i like exercise so much.

i might aim to think of goals that address the more complicated bits of my life as well, but that's a different blog altogether. My thought is that as I become fit and healthy, and no longer filling my life with food, have a general program of fitness, that I begin to 'fill' myself, my life, with other things. And sometimes those other things can be scary. So instead of facing the challenge of those other things with same verve as I do in fitness, I turn back to the things I know, fitness and food, and sabotage my own efforts towards health to keep myself busy (and distracted). But if I am committed to ending my bingeing habit, really committed, then that means I am really committing to facing the challenge of the other parts of my life.

Right now school is a big scary monster. 3 papers facing me. Yikes! Two are late... I don't really feel bad, it has been a rough semester, but even if I don't feel bad, the stress remains. How will I tackle this challenge with the same enthusiasm I tackle my health and fitness challenges?

Fast break:
For the next 7 days I will spend 10 minutes on each paper, thinking, digging, etc.

This is such a small step, and not enough to get the job done yet. But it's the best place to start. I can commit to ten minutes (sounds familiar, doesn't it??) In next weeks check-in I'll share how my study fastbreak went :)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PRINCESS_TWISTY 12/5/2010 5:44AM

    Great idea, I also try to apply the SP principles to the rest of my life (though with limited success!)
I like the approach you're taking with the exercise - you have a set schedule and it's just a matter of making yourself do it. Maybe you can evenutally try something like that to your studies? I know how it is with the stress of study, it's so easy to procrastinate and next thing you know you're even more stressed because you're out of time. I have an exam on Tuesday that I'm nowhere near ready for, so tomorrow will be one big cramming day for me! Best of luck with getting your papers done!

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FIREFLYBRIDE 12/5/2010 12:56AM

    Great job! Your measurements from today are almost exactly the same as mine. How tall are you? Keep it up!

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EABUTTERFLY 12/4/2010 9:27PM

  Looks like you are on the ball girl! I do TurboJam too and I'm trying to get started on TurboFire for the new year! Which do you like better, TurboJam or Zumba? I think I like TurboJam better because it's a bit more athletic.

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One week in, two to go: declaring my intentions

Friday, December 03, 2010

Ok, so at the beginning of this week I shook up my workout routine, upped it a notch, and I thought I'd blog about it.

I'm not aiming at a specific weight over three weeks (I'm going real slow to break the binge habit). This is just a step along the way of rockin' out my bod.

So here's the plan:

Sun: rest
Mon: Tracy Anderson Cardio Dance (it's a 45 minute dvd)
Tracy Anderson Sequence I workout (about 50 minutes)
Tues: Tubro Jam Sculpt and Turbo Jam Abs (60 minutes total)
Zumba class (about 50 minutes)
Wed: Tracy Anderson Cardio Dance
Tracy Anderson Mat Workout (about 50 minutes)
Thurs: 10-minute Pilates, all 5 segments (so, 50 minutes)
Zumba Class
Fri: Elliptical machine, running, or biking (45 minutes)
Tracy Anderson Post-Pregnancy mat work (45 minutes.... real good even if you weren't pregnant ;) )
Sat: Yoga Today session (50 minutes- www.yogatoday.com )
Psychedelic Go-Go class (11:40-12:50) and Tap Class (1:00-2:10)

My goal is to just make it to each of these workouts :) then see where I end up. I'll want to watch my measurements, and also my muscle tightness and flexibility.

My eating plan is pretty relaxed, I'm taking the lossage slowly. So between 1500-1900 cals/day. Very comfy.

Here are my before measurements:
wt. 119.4 lbs
wst. 24"
hips 35.5"
r. thigh 21"
r. bicep 9"

I'll repost 12/18 :D

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

C-MERRIE11 12/4/2010 7:56PM

    It is epic- as a student I do have a higher level of the luxury of time. Tho as school gets busier and winter gets deeper I tend to loose sight of fitness and good eating. Well, I was speaking to a prof of mine (he's busy like crazy, all sorts of meetings, commitments, classes, books he's writing, and a family) AND he was training for a marathon. And I thought 'If he can do that amount of fitness, so can I'. A tall order for sure, but I finally felt I had permission to do it, like if it was important to someone like him, it could be important for someone like me. I tend to feel guilty for things like exercising and my theory is because it's something I enjoy and something done purely for me, and I tend to feel guilty for those sorts of things.... AAAnyway, all that to say THANK YOU for the encouragement! One week down :D

Comment edited on: 12/4/2010 9:41:15 PM

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PRINCESS_TWISTY 12/3/2010 5:45PM

    Sounds like an epic plan - I wish I had enough time to workout for that much time each day!

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Goals for While I'm Gone

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Here are my goals for while I am on my trip:
*Run 30 minutes 10/12 days or do SparkVideo if it is raining for 30 minutes inside
*Do situps 3 of the days
*Record what I eat using my Spark phone app.
*Follow a 1600-1900 cal plan
*Eat fruit and veggies each day
*Minimize comparing myself to other people (for my sake and my husbands!)
*Avoid calling myself x, y or z unhelpful thing while getting dressed

These are my goals!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    Have a fantastic fantastic trip... i'll miss all your little comments on my blog/activity feed/etc but I can't wait to hear all your news when you get back! You can TOTALLY keep up your exercise plan. DO IT! emoticon

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NEELIXNKES 5/20/2010 10:49AM

    emoticon Sounds like a good plan. Stay emoticon

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PRINCESS_TWISTY 5/19/2010 7:09PM

    Great goals! I love how you're including goals for your emotional development, too. I think we could all take a leaf out of your book!
I hope you have a great trip!! emoticon

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BRITTVFAN 5/19/2010 5:23PM

    Have a great trip and good luck with your goals.

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WANNABE751 5/19/2010 5:22PM

    I'm right there beside you sweetheart, all the way! I'll be thinking of you and the effort you put into being healthy in body and mind. Take care.

love Sheila, x

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