Wednesday, December 08, 2010
ptsd- "I drag myself out of nightmares each morning and find there is no relief in waking." (Katniss, in Mockingjay, by Suzanne Collins
Last night there was a lot of orange, I think, and swirling. And running. But I woke up fine. I've grown accustomed to being lifted from my safety each night, knowing that each morning I'll find myself in the same bed where I had drifted off the night before. As long as I can come home every morning, I don't mind falling asleep and giving myself over to my unwaking thoughts.
It used to be the nightmares were there in the morning, too. I merely transitioned between them, night and day. I would sit in class and the images would crash over me, I would stare at the door wanting to run through it, to where I don't know. In my dreams I can at least try to run.
But awake I have to survive. I have to stay. I stay grounded in my seat.
To escape the day terrors I would eat. And eat. I wouldn't feel hunger (I mean, I wasn't really awake, was I?), and I wouldn't feel fullness. I would eat till I couldn't feel anything, and wait until the pain of food overtook the pain of waking. The two would collide and food, a stuffed belly, would win out and I had relief.
The battles between food and fear however are hardly suitable settings for healing. I needed to end the war so that the city, my heart, could be rebuilt.
I am ending the bingeing. Food is no longer my weapon.
As the images crash over me in class, I still stare at the door. I breathe. In. One. Two. Three. Out. One. Two. Three. I count, hairs, freckles, tiles, chairs. I remember where I am sitting. I am in class. I am listening to my professor. The class room is chilly. It is late at night. I ground myself in the moment, the real moment, and fight off the dream, which wants to claim the moment.
No longer is food fighting my battle, but I am. Now when I wake, it's me versus the nightmare. And I am winning. I am learning how safe and happy my life is right now. I am taking back the day.
As for my nights, I get in bed. I am safe in my home, safe in the arms of my love, and even though sleep takes me captive each night, I know I will wake-up to a bright, new morning.
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
In the motivational strategies it was recommended that I watch an inspirational movie. Well, recently I downloaded a book on tape, a triology, and listened to all three books. The book was The Hunger Games. Through the story I was challenged about my own lifestyle, the 'Panem et circenses' of my American life. I was reminded of how privileged I am.
What surprised me most however was how much I related to the character of Katniss. Like her, I experience horrible nightmares, too (ptsd) and understand the feeling expressed in Mockingjay that the world seemed to have started and ended with her horrifying experiences, when really, as Plutarch points out, the world goes on... There will be more wars and tragedy, it didn't end with that one. A bleak picture I know, but Katniss found a way to keep living, even in her pain, and after all she had experienced, and that was cathartic for me.
Saturday, December 04, 2010
Ok, so I did one week of my high intensity program of exercise! I made every workout and I feel really good :)
It's hard to fit in exercise sometimes, and especially this amount, but I did it, by getting up on time, getting enough sleep, and just reminding myself that I somehow always find time to just sit around, which means that if I add up those pockets, I have more time for exercise.
As a reminder, here is what I did:
Monday: tracy anderson cardio dance (45 minutes)
tracy anderson mat workout (50 minutes)
Tuesday: Turbo Jam Sculpt (40 minutes)
Turbo Jam Ab Jam (20 minutes)
Zumba (50 minutes class)
Wednesday: elliptical (45 minutes- normally I would do ta dance again, but i couldn't this week)
tracy anderson sequence I mat workout (50 minutes)
Thursday: Pilates (50 minutes)
Zumba (50 minutes)
Friday: Elliptical (50 minutes)
tracy anderson post pregnancy mat workout (45 minutes)
Saturday: yoga (40 minutes)
psychedelic go-go dance class
tap level I class
So I'll be doing that again next week! It's a little silly to take measurements after a week and make a correlation, but nonetheless, here are my measurements on Sunday and then today:
wt. 119.4 lbs
r. thigh 21"
r. bicep 9"
r. thigh: 20"
r. bicep: 9"
the idea with a set program is to keep me from thinking about it, just do it, and then get on with the rest of my life.
unfortunately the rest of life is not as straight forward as exercise, which may be why i like exercise so much.
i might aim to think of goals that address the more complicated bits of my life as well, but that's a different blog altogether. My thought is that as I become fit and healthy, and no longer filling my life with food, have a general program of fitness, that I begin to 'fill' myself, my life, with other things. And sometimes those other things can be scary. So instead of facing the challenge of those other things with same verve as I do in fitness, I turn back to the things I know, fitness and food, and sabotage my own efforts towards health to keep myself busy (and distracted). But if I am committed to ending my bingeing habit, really committed, then that means I am really committing to facing the challenge of the other parts of my life.
Right now school is a big scary monster. 3 papers facing me. Yikes! Two are late... I don't really feel bad, it has been a rough semester, but even if I don't feel bad, the stress remains. How will I tackle this challenge with the same enthusiasm I tackle my health and fitness challenges?
For the next 7 days I will spend 10 minutes on each paper, thinking, digging, etc.
This is such a small step, and not enough to get the job done yet. But it's the best place to start. I can commit to ten minutes (sounds familiar, doesn't it??) In next weeks check-in I'll share how my study fastbreak went :)
Friday, December 03, 2010
Ok, so at the beginning of this week I shook up my workout routine, upped it a notch, and I thought I'd blog about it.
I'm not aiming at a specific weight over three weeks (I'm going real slow to break the binge habit). This is just a step along the way of rockin' out my bod.
So here's the plan:
Mon: Tracy Anderson Cardio Dance (it's a 45 minute dvd)
Tracy Anderson Sequence I workout (about 50 minutes)
Tues: Tubro Jam Sculpt and Turbo Jam Abs (60 minutes total)
Zumba class (about 50 minutes)
Wed: Tracy Anderson Cardio Dance
Tracy Anderson Mat Workout (about 50 minutes)
Thurs: 10-minute Pilates, all 5 segments (so, 50 minutes)
Fri: Elliptical machine, running, or biking (45 minutes)
Tracy Anderson Post-Pregnancy mat work (45 minutes.... real good even if you weren't pregnant ;) )
Sat: Yoga Today session (50 minutes- www.yogatoday.com )
Psychedelic Go-Go class (11:40-12:50) and Tap Class (1:00-2:10)
My goal is to just make it to each of these workouts :) then see where I end up. I'll want to watch my measurements, and also my muscle tightness and flexibility.
My eating plan is pretty relaxed, I'm taking the lossage slowly. So between 1500-1900 cals/day. Very comfy.
Here are my before measurements:
wt. 119.4 lbs
r. thigh 21"
r. bicep 9"
I'll repost 12/18 :D
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Here are my goals for while I am on my trip:
*Run 30 minutes 10/12 days or do SparkVideo if it is raining for 30 minutes inside
*Do situps 3 of the days
*Record what I eat using my Spark phone app.
*Follow a 1600-1900 cal plan
*Eat fruit and veggies each day
*Minimize comparing myself to other people (for my sake and my husbands!)
*Avoid calling myself x, y or z unhelpful thing while getting dressed
These are my goals!
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