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hal-OOOOOO....in numerous ways

Wednesday, October 08, 2008


I know, I know...I make one little penis cake (or not so little, in my case) and it all goes to pot...but c'mon, fan, you know you missed me! ;)

So I just realized that I've been a Sparker since January. And it's now October. And I could so totally lie and tell you that I am ONE FINE SPECIMEN, but wouldn't that pretty much defeat the purpose of this website?!? So alas, no, I still have the shelf. I still hate the way my boobs disappear when I sit down. And lucky me, I noticed something else about my body! I have BOOB FAT UNDER MY ARMS. WTH is THAT?!? Can you get breast cancer in boob fat?? I digress...

So life has been moving on. Ella started Kindergarten this Fall (and you KNOW I've already signed up for the PTA and email her teacher almost every day. Yep, I am THAT mom.) and loves it, although she does bring home notes that says she can be disruptively chatty during class...hmmm...thoughts on where that came from?? :) She turns 6 in two weeks, so I'm getting her party together. And ordered the cake. Looks like a Disney Princess puked on it. But hey, it's cake. Whoopee. More cake.

Nate still isn't talking so we've got him scheduled for an evaluation next month. What a little freaker, he'll say a word ONCE...and then never says it again. But honestly, who can blame him? Every time he does he's got Mommy in his face going "Canyousayitagain? C'monsayitagainyoucandoitsayitagainsayitag
ainSAYITAGAIN!!!" ~sigh~ Therapy is free til he's five (for HIM, not for me...unfortunately) so hopefully we can get him caught up for Pre-K next Fall. He was held back in the 2's since he can't communicate, and that shot his child care bill up $200! I KNOW!!!!

Oooh, here's something fun! I had a crown done last week (one down, 2 to go!), and got gassed! Seriously, if it wasn't for that hippie crack I'd let my teeth just fall out. Afterwards Ella laughed cuz I kept drooling...but I was in FINE spirits! :)

I went out for a drink with a GF Monday night, which was nice. After we had been talking for a few minutes, she busts out with "OMG, Shanna! How are you dealing with all that stress?!?" Um...what? Stress? I'm stressed?? OMFG, I AM STRESSED!!! NO WONDER MY BODY HATES ME!!! I've been trying to fill my life up with so many different things (and food) that I haven't been noticing what's really going on in my life! I've been making extremely bad choices, and one of the biggest mistakes I've made recently was dropping off the planet and leaving my boogers flapping in the wind. I've missed you so!

So, yes, i am stressed. And yes, I'm still kicking and screaming. And no, i can't promise to always make the right choices every time. But becoming re-addicted to Sparks is my first step. So here's to PAYING ATTENTION.

xo,
S. :)

PS: Did I mention that I'm home from work today because E got stung in the face twice by wasps yesterday?? Her face looks like a shiny melon...but I'm HANDLING IT. :)


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JANDYMORDAN 12/4/2008 3:21PM

    welcome back!

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ROYALETBONE 10/8/2008 12:59PM

    emoticon
Yeah!!!! So good to have you back!!!
Now, you have to lose a pound or 2 every month or so, so you have the excuse to keep visiting with us--- maybe some sucess in the weight loss (oh, is that what we are here for?) will keep you better chained to our party???? We missed you!

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SANDPAPER7 10/8/2008 12:45PM

    Yay! Beanie's baaaaack! You have got to check out the cakes at this place:

http://cakewrecks.blogspot.
com/

But don't do it at work. Or when you have your mouth full. And be sure to send a pic of your Ella cake when you're done! Hmmm, they might even appreciate a shot of that other cake....
xoxoxoxoxo
sas

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FITCHICK421 10/8/2008 12:18PM

    Who are you again??? :)

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Just call me Lushy!!

Thursday, May 29, 2008


Holy crap ( I would use a more descriptive term, but I don't want the Spark Po-lice coming after me!). Talk about falling off the friggin' wagon. That SUCKED. Note to self: Don't do that again, DumbA$$!

So how did my spiral down to the chocolaty-flavored dark side begin? It was that damn penis cake. Seriously! Think about it. Who in their right mind could eat a piece of penis cake without booze?? Lots of booze??? It's like the whole experience of having and eating a piece of penis cake just loses that special "saav-wah-fare" without a good cocktail (HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! COCKTAIL!!! Yeah, I went there...and you thought I wouldn't, huh, fan? :) )...and it's also a little gross. But it's best not to go there...

Then there were the showers, the birthdays, the beginning-of-spring BBQ's, the wedding, it was all one big food-and-booze fest. And I kept thinking in my denial-laced mind, "Oh just one more burger/beer/scoop of ice cream/beer/chip-n-dip/beer/deep-fried Mars bar..." ok, ick on the Mars bar, but there was always that one more beer and you get the picture. OUT OF CONTROL. NO logging my food, NO water, NO exercise...~sigh~...and you want to know how deep the denial goes? I'm seriously thinking that by bleaching my teeth and using tanning lotion, my fat-ness won't be so on display at my 20-year HS reunion in 3 weeks...what IS that?!?

I'm back, tho. Kicking and screaming at myself all the way, but I'm back.

LOTS of booze...~shudder~...

S. :)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRUECOLORS 6/1/2008 11:03AM

    Missed u and glad u r back! sounds like the devil u made u do it (penis cake!) so begin anew.
It really doesn't count when the devil made you do it! LOL! Here's to getting back on track and kicking that ole devil in the penis cake. Unless you think u really do deserve a spankin.
And what the heck, if you have to buy some spanks and go to that reunion. Mine is in August this year and I'm already crying like a baby about it. Be brave. Be strong. Be funny and smart like I know you r!
emoticon

Comment edited on: 6/1/2008 11:02:34 AM

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PROTOTD 5/30/2008 7:31PM

    So the penis cake took you down the chocolaty dark side, huh? It's always right there, knockin' on the back door just waiting for you to let it in... Sometimes you just gotta give and say okay. (The alcohol helps, too.)
emoticon(Thinking about it....)
emoticon(Just said yes.....)

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BECKSISTHIN 5/30/2008 2:07PM

    Beanie, your back and that is all that matters. We missed your crazy a$$, even if you added a few pounds to it.

At least you have the guts to go to your reunion, I absolutely refuse to go to mine. Won't do it no way no how. I can't face all those wrinkles on those once smooth faces, it will only remind me about how old I'm getting, not to mention how fat I got.

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GRALLEN 5/30/2008 12:22PM

    WOW! emoticon

Get back on track for those 3 weeks and forever after that. Even if nothing changes, you can at least feel good that you tried.

Love the pic. hehehe

Comment edited on: 5/30/2008 12:23:43 PM

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JANDYMORDAN 5/30/2008 9:44AM

    beleive me, everyone will me more concerned with their own failures on display at the reunion to worry about you! lol.

glad you've pulled yourself out of the rut...way to go!

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SANDPAPER7 5/30/2008 8:55AM

    Joy! Happiness! Laughter!!! So glad you're back.

Don't worry about the reunion. The whole class will be fatter and more tan than you remembered. They will also have whiter teeth. By these signs will you know they were worried about it too!

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KARBEEPBEEP 5/30/2008 8:32AM

    Beanie!!! I've missed you and that's never a good thing...descending into my loose women withdrawals. It was an ugly stage in my life *sigh* but now you're back and we can have a blast again! And of course it starts with the penis cake, I mean seriously...

Glad to have you back!

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AMYG67 5/29/2008 10:34PM

  sounds like a helluva time. A penis cake? you should post pictures!!LOL, have fun at your reunion, I had mine a couple years ago and it was really fun. everyone is much more relaxed at "Our Age". I'm sure you will look great, and as I found out there is always someone who looks worse. Mine happened to be a former classmate who showed up in DRAG!!! Have fun.
Amy
emoticon

Comment edited on: 5/29/2008 10:33:10 PM

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ROYALETBONE 5/29/2008 9:57PM

    Oh, girl, we missed you SO BIG!
Dang, a food and drink and fun break. Gee, I wonder if there are ANY of us that haven't ridden that truck in the bassackwards direction at some point? Hmm? What you want to bet? The driver of the truck is so CUTE!

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FITCHICK421 5/29/2008 8:25PM

    'bout time.
emoticon

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Ah-tenn-HUT!!!

Thursday, March 27, 2008


My girlfriend Amy is getting married next weekend on the beach (she’s the one we had THE Bachelorette Party for...I’m tellin’ ya, fan, you should have been there!), and since my entire family is of course going (hubby is the best man), and since Spring has definitely sprung down here the kids can’t wear their...ahem...um...(I apologize to you, my Northerner fan) long sleeved shirts anymore, we had to go and get some new duds.

Hubby went with me to the Pit Of Hell That Is The Mall, which was actually nice because we didn’t have the kids and that hasn’t happened in about a bajillion years, so since we could actually browse in stores, we completely took advantage of it. “Oooh, honey! Look at these mini-flashlights!! Have you ever seen anything so BRIGHT in all your life?!?” “Paint swatches?!? I LOVE PAINT SWATCHES!!!!”

So after we get clothes for hubby, and for E and for N, including shoes and socks and bathing suits...where is Butter going to go that’s in the Mall, for fabulous clothes??? You betcha, TORRID!!! Hubby was a Torrid virgin, plus shopping for women’s clothes isn’t what you would call his favorite way to pass the time, but he’s a good sport and put on his game face, just for me. We walk in, the music is pumping and the girls are all like, “Hey there!” and it is ON.
So if you’re like me, and once again I’m pretty durn sure you are, you take about 5 to 10(00) things into the dressing room hoping and praying and promising your first-born that just ONE THING will fit (who cares if it’s 1 sock, it fits, d*mmit!!!! ). I walk in with 2 bras, 5 dresses, one sweater and one set of Spanxx, aka a “tuck-ee in-ee”.

(WARNING!!! TANGENT ALERT!!!! )

You know what I’m talking about, the "undergarment" that promises to take your size 24 body and cram it into a size 12 shape? I hate ‘em but gotta have ‘em, plus Oprah AND Tyra swear by them, so I thought WTH, they BOTH can’t be wrong, right?? Trust me on this, fan, they were DEAD ON RIGHT!!! Spanxx. Get them. Wear them. Love them. And the best part? They have an “added bonus”, so that you don’t have to pull the entire thing off to go to the little girls’ room, and THAT, my dear fan, is worth it’s weight in gold to me!!!

OKAY. SO. Now that you know what I brought IN with me, guess what I took OUT with me? 4 dresses, 4 bras, the sweater, the Spanxx and a little bottle of perfume. I felt so HOT!!! And the bras have got my girls all up and saying “So THIS is what the world looks like!” (UPDATE: The guys at work were having one hell of a time trying to keep their eyes on my FACE, that is how obvious the difference is! Tee-hee!)

And on a side note, I felt so good this morning, locking the girls into place, that I didn’t even care about E having slept in Play-Dough, causing it to be cemented to her head, gluing half her hair with it! Nope, I just washed her hair the 7 times it took to get it out with a nice, big SMILE!!!

S. :)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DAISYDIVA 5/1/2008 2:50PM

    HAHAHAHA!

LOVE THIS BLOG!!!!

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KJSCORTEZ 4/6/2008 10:48AM

    HA HA...I didn't know there was a blog to read...just thought I'd give you a check-in to see how things were going....
sounds like you and the girls are good----lolol

My friend told me about spanx--I didn't believe her.....
so it's true?????

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ROYALETBONE 3/29/2008 10:11PM

    Whoo, hoo, what a hoot!
I want to go shopping with you someday.... you are such a total riot.
Glad your girls are seeing the sights these days... it does make life look brighter, somehow... ???
you are a sunshine in my life....

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ROYALETBONE 3/29/2008 7:40PM

    Whoo, hoo, what a hoot!
I want to go shopping with you someday.... you are such a total riot.
Glad your girls are seeing the sights these days... it does make life look brighter, somehow... ???
you are a sunshine in my life....

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SANDPAPER7 3/29/2008 2:45PM

    Once again, you got me ROTFLMAO. Time to send more pictures!!!!! Of the wedding, of course, not the underthangs. Unless you're wearing that same BAD mask...

Never heard of Spanxx before (what, they couldn't get away with a third x?). But then I always have this problem: The tuckee-innee has to end at some point, and that point becomes the flowee-overeee.

Are these things somehow different? Oh, and can you breathe?

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PROTOTD 3/28/2008 5:27PM

    Whoa, Missie! Don't point them things at me! One of 'em might go off!
Ya' know, this might be a good time to ask for a raise, or an extra week's vacation, or a new car, or... well hell, ANYTHING as long as your boss can keep from looking up long enough to say no! (It's not sexual harassment when we're doing the manipulating, right?!?) Glad the girls are getting to see the world again!

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MY_AGREEMENT 3/28/2008 1:29PM

    Ooh, I haven't tried those Spanx ... but I do have a couple pair of Assets (yes, the first 3 letters are the clue) which do about the same thing. Love 'em! -Marsha

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JANDYMORDAN 3/28/2008 7:13AM

    haha is a spanxx like a sausage suit? i have always been amazed at what a good quality well fitting bra can accomplish! WTG!

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STEPH6776 3/28/2008 6:57AM

    What a silly post! : ) Thanks for making me smile!! I felt like I was a shopping buddy with you. I'm definately going to check out those Spanx myself!

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Welcome to my Tie-Dyed World!!

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

I have a song that I want to sing for you, fan, which pretty much sums up the last 3 weeks of my life.

A-hem.

“If you want to be a grump,
That’s o-KAY!!
But could you be a grump
A little further a-WAY!!
It’s not that I don’t love you
Cuz you know I do,
Sometimes I’m grumpy, toooooo!”

I don’t know if it’s the sense of depravation I feel in not being able to eat what I want, when I want and how ever much I want. But honestly, have you checked out my tracker?!? It hasn’t MOVED, which tells me that the depravation I’m feeling is psycho-somatic. Which is depressing. And I’m grumpy.

So what does one do when one gets grumpy? (WARNING: THIS SECTION IS RATED R!!!) One goes shopping for her best friends’ up –coming bachelorette party, at The World of Porn, and buys a penis shaped cake pan. Sho nuff! I was originally looking for hot pink condoms to glue onto a veil for her to wear for the evening’s festivities (she made me do it, I’m just returning the favor!), but can you believe that The World of Porn does NOT carry hot pink condoms??? What IS that?!? The guy behind the counter (who was surprisingly clean AND well-groomed!) was exceptionally helpful by informing me that although they did not carry hot pink condoms, they DID have multi-colored ones (how DO you tye-dye a condom, I wonder?), they had ones with dangles, they had ones in the shape of dragons, and cobras, and even ones with removable parts…WHO KNEW?!? And what does one have to do to become a condom designer? Do they have a degree for that???

I digress. Besides, time to go make a cake!!

S. :)

PS: And yes, fan, I promise to take pics of the cake just as soon as I finish icing it…hee-hee!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SANDPAPER7 3/13/2008 4:17PM

    LMFAO!!!!!

Oooh, CAKE. Frost it with strategically positioned streaks of blueberry and raspberry flavored buttercream and finish it off with a flowing spurt of cream cheese frosting.

Know the difference between pink and purple? How tight you squeeze!

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PROTOTD 3/12/2008 5:22PM

    I didn't do the cake for my best friend, but I did do the penis-shaped ice cubes and penis-shaped cream-filled chocolates. Nothing like sucking on a chocolate-covered c*ck until you get to the creamy filling! Did I say that?! TMI alert!!!!

Very funny, though.... really! =-D

Wendy

BTW, I know that song!!! I heard it while my DD was watching Noggin' or something like that! How very appropriate to start with a kids' song and end with a penis cake!!! LMAO!!!

Comment edited on: 3/12/2008 5:22:46 PM

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ROYALETBONE 3/12/2008 12:26AM

    I got the ice cube maker that did tits and cocks. It's weird what one buys in those stores when thinking of teasing our friends.
I look forward to seeing the cake...hope you make it in a flavor you don't like...
On the other hand, is there a flavor of cake that I don't like?
Mare

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KJSCORTEZ 3/11/2008 11:35PM

    OMGGGGGGG!! lolol
You are sooooo my lost twin! lmao

So you have to post the pic on the blog...
or is that spark-legal? lol

You knocked it out of the park with this one!

LOVE YER GUTS BACK!
~~Queenie~~

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What makes me look thinner, paisley or plaid???

Thursday, February 28, 2008


I suck, I know, I suck...but c’mon, who the hell wants to blog, on a weight loss website, about how much crap they ate all friggin’ weekend??? I just don’t understand why, when you go on a scrapbook retreat to the beach, there can’t be SOME healthy food SOMEWHERE amongst the chocolate mini-bites and the wine and the M&M’s and the wine and the cheese trays and the wine and the chips and the wine and the dips and the wine and the sodas and the wine...~sigh~...and the wine...

So, yes, that’s what I did last weekend, hubby gave me the retreat as a b-day gift, and honestly, what a great hubby, huh?? He had the kids all weekend while I...didn’t. :) Of course, being a man (and don’t get me wrong! I love men! (And in re-reading that, let me also make clear that I don’t love men in a 'ho sort of way...)), he did need to call me a couple of times just to “check in”, see how much fun I was having, I’m sure. At least he wasn’t THAT husband who kept calling because he had NO idea what the hell he was doing...and there were a few of those calls to one particular mom in the group...”Honey, calm down, Dear Daughter won’t die from eating dog food, she really likes the taste...” “Sweetie, stop screaming like a girl, I’m sure Dear Son won’t die from the chemicals in your Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, he’s just teething ...” And there was even a woman who brought along her massage chair! I threw some SERIOUS cash at her! LOOOOOOVED it!!!

So at the retreat, one thing was immediately clear: I was “the fat girl in the room”. I honestly don’t think anyone else saw it that way, but it’s always the odd one that first notices the oddness, you know? I feel odd in most social situations because I invariably expect to be the fat girl in a group. Of course, yes, I’ll agree that it may not be as bad as having a ruptured boil on the tip of my nose, THAT would be both gross AND odd, so yes, it could have been worse. But I do think that my extroverted-ness comes from trying to divert attention from my gut and booty to my personality. OH MY GAWD, did I just admit that??? “Is she pretty?” “Well, she’s got a great personality...”. I am a walking cliché...

So tomorrow is weigh-in day, and although I know it’s going to be pretty awful, I’m going to do it anyway. I need to keep myself honest with myself. Because let’s be frank here, my dear fan, if you don’t get on the scale you can trick yourself into thinking that you don’t look fat in just about anything, including paisley! “NO WAY am I 230! I look like 165 in this shower curtain print!”

S. :)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JANDYMORDAN 3/12/2008 12:23PM

    lmao i drank a whole bottle of wine on monday. it was hilarious to enter into the food tracker a couple of glasses at a time.

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ZUZUMARIE 3/7/2008 10:48AM

    cheese=calcium, wine is good for your heart, chocolate has LOTS of healthful properties. I'm pretty much thinkin' you went on a health-food binge weekend! We've all done it and getting back on track is the important thing. Just think how happy your heart is now after all the wine!

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KARRILEE 2/29/2008 1:49PM

    Shanna,

Hey there... Girl - you are TOO funny... Don't be so hard on yourself... a weekend retreat of ANY kind would be a challenge - but especially a Scrapbook retreat - where all the women are in serious vacation mode!? Did you scrap a lot?! Get a lot done?! I'd love to see some of your lo's you did there?! Aaah - the wine... (and everything else, sure... but the wine...) what is it they say, all things in moderation? And why is it that we so often tend to 'pamper ourselves' or reward ourselves with food!?

I SO get the whole walking into the room and wearing that 'Fattest Girl Here' name tag... mine is embossed in silver and hand stamped with swirls and flowers - and, well - BIG?! LOL!? It is a way we assume others look at us when in reality - most people are truly NOT looking at us and judging us... we are doing a good enough job of that ourselves?! One day, my friend - one day we will NOT be the biggest one in any given room (in fact, I am pretty sure that we are not ALWAYS the biggest one - it's just how we perceive ourselves) - but when that day comes - we will find that the truth is - it's so not about that anyway - and very rarely are people really thinking what we think they are!? Ya know?!

Isn't it funny how some guys are? What bothers me is when they say stuff like, "You want me to baby sit the kids (insert time frame here?!)" ... um - no, not really - you are the Daddy... I want you to PARENT the kids... they are YOURS after all!? LOL! At least the Mom didn't BRING the kid(s)?! I've been to crops where that happens too... I am blessed to have a hubby who is so supportive and he sounds like yours - he'd check in to make sure I was having fun - but not for any help or advise really... he can handle it and appreciate me more when I get home too! I hope that was the case for you!

Anyway - just checking in! Hope you have had a good week... like the others said here - don't beat yourself up - this is not a diet that we fail at... this is a new way of living and it will take time to really have it be second nature... and even then - we have the freedom to enjoy the chocolate and wine and cheese tray and wine... Oh - and the wine - from time to time... Baby Steps until it is completely done without thinking... and freedom and grace when we splurge now and then!

~Karrilee~

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NITAINMN 2/28/2008 11:38PM

    Oh, it was your birthday gift for heaven's sake, glad you had fun, made the most of it, great massage, chocolate, wine and the whole nine yeards..no guilt now- you deserved it! AND glad you are back on track too - do come and post your weight on March Madness thread - we will all get rid of it together. Luv and Hugs, Nita

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SANDPAPER7 2/28/2008 4:20PM

    Hahahah! I love the way paisley spandex looks on me, personally.

My personal optical-illusion favorite is putting on clothing with a nice silhouette (say, princess seams) and standing in front of a window in a lighted room when it's dark out. Can't see wrinkles, can't see back fat, can't see cellulite. Real ego booster!

But seriously, you're back on the program now, and every little thing you do will add up. It gets easier, too, and more exciting as the little comments start coming in. A guy at the gym addressed me as "little one" the other day, for gosh sakes!!!! Who'd a thunk it?



Comment edited on: 2/28/2008 4:21:01 PM

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PATTYHUDSON1 2/28/2008 12:22PM

    Love your sense of humor! And don't worry about the weekend. One bad weekend won't kill your overall plan. Sometimes we live our lives weigh in to weigh in and we shouldn't. I have found that if i stay on track for weeks and weeks, and I splurg one weekend, it has no affect on my weight whatsoever. I think back to the way I ate before I came to spark and compare it to now and know that one weekend of fun and food is far different than years and years of pizza and KFC. Don't kick yourself so hard. Everyone is entitled to a weekend get away. So you indulged, good for you. Sometimes we need to, just to remind us why we are here. It's not like you indulged for a month. Throw away the guilt and allow yourself to have great memories of a wonderful weekend!

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