Wednesday, October 08, 2008
I know, I know...I make one little penis cake (or not so little, in my case) and it all goes to pot...but c'mon, fan, you know you missed me! ;)
So I just realized that I've been a Sparker since January. And it's now October. And I could so totally lie and tell you that I am ONE FINE SPECIMEN, but wouldn't that pretty much defeat the purpose of this website?!? So alas, no, I still have the shelf. I still hate the way my boobs disappear when I sit down. And lucky me, I noticed something else about my body! I have BOOB FAT UNDER MY ARMS. WTH is THAT?!? Can you get breast cancer in boob fat?? I digress...
So life has been moving on. Ella started Kindergarten this Fall (and you KNOW I've already signed up for the PTA and email her teacher almost every day. Yep, I am THAT mom.) and loves it, although she does bring home notes that says she can be disruptively chatty during class...hmmm...thoughts on where that came from?? :) She turns 6 in two weeks, so I'm getting her party together. And ordered the cake. Looks like a Disney Princess puked on it. But hey, it's cake. Whoopee. More cake.
Nate still isn't talking so we've got him scheduled for an evaluation next month. What a little freaker, he'll say a word ONCE...and then never says it again. But honestly, who can blame him? Every time he does he's got Mommy in his face going "Canyousayitagain? C'monsayitagainyoucandoitsayitagainsayitag
ainSAYITAGAIN!!!" ~sigh~ Therapy is free til he's five (for HIM, not for me...unfortunately) so hopefully we can get him caught up for Pre-K next Fall. He was held back in the 2's since he can't communicate, and that shot his child care bill up $200! I KNOW!!!!
Oooh, here's something fun! I had a crown done last week (one down, 2 to go!), and got gassed! Seriously, if it wasn't for that hippie crack I'd let my teeth just fall out. Afterwards Ella laughed cuz I kept drooling...but I was in FINE spirits! :)
I went out for a drink with a GF Monday night, which was nice. After we had been talking for a few minutes, she busts out with "OMG, Shanna! How are you dealing with all that stress?!?" Um...what? Stress? I'm stressed?? OMFG, I AM STRESSED!!! NO WONDER MY BODY HATES ME!!! I've been trying to fill my life up with so many different things (and food) that I haven't been noticing what's really going on in my life! I've been making extremely bad choices, and one of the biggest mistakes I've made recently was dropping off the planet and leaving my boogers flapping in the wind. I've missed you so!
So, yes, i am stressed. And yes, I'm still kicking and screaming. And no, i can't promise to always make the right choices every time. But becoming re-addicted to Sparks is my first step. So here's to PAYING ATTENTION.
PS: Did I mention that I'm home from work today because E got stung in the face twice by wasps yesterday?? Her face looks like a shiny melon...but I'm HANDLING IT. :)
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Holy crap ( I would use a more descriptive term, but I don't want the Spark Po-lice coming after me!). Talk about falling off the friggin' wagon. That SUCKED. Note to self: Don't do that again, DumbA$$!
So how did my spiral down to the chocolaty-flavored dark side begin? It was that damn penis cake. Seriously! Think about it. Who in their right mind could eat a piece of penis cake without booze?? Lots of booze??? It's like the whole experience of having and eating a piece of penis cake just loses that special "saav-wah-fare" without a good cocktail (HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! COCKTAIL!!! Yeah, I went there...and you thought I wouldn't, huh, fan? :) )...and it's also a little gross. But it's best not to go there...
Then there were the showers, the birthdays, the beginning-of-spring BBQ's, the wedding, it was all one big food-and-booze fest. And I kept thinking in my denial-laced mind, "Oh just one more burger/beer/scoop of ice cream/beer/chip-n-dip/beer/deep-fried Mars bar..." ok, ick on the Mars bar, but there was always that one more beer and you get the picture. OUT OF CONTROL. NO logging my food, NO water, NO exercise...~sigh~...and you want to know how deep the denial goes? I'm seriously thinking that by bleaching my teeth and using tanning lotion, my fat-ness won't be so on display at my 20-year HS reunion in 3 weeks...what IS that?!?
I'm back, tho. Kicking and screaming at myself all the way, but I'm back.
LOTS of booze...~shudder~...
Thursday, March 27, 2008
My girlfriend Amy is getting married next weekend on the beach (she’s the one we had THE Bachelorette Party for...I’m tellin’ ya, fan, you should have been there!), and since my entire family is of course going (hubby is the best man), and since Spring has definitely sprung down here the kids can’t wear their...ahem...um...(I apologize to you, my Northerner fan) long sleeved shirts anymore, we had to go and get some new duds.
Hubby went with me to the Pit Of Hell That Is The Mall, which was actually nice because we didn’t have the kids and that hasn’t happened in about a bajillion years, so since we could actually browse in stores, we completely took advantage of it. “Oooh, honey! Look at these mini-flashlights!! Have you ever seen anything so BRIGHT in all your life?!?” “Paint swatches?!? I LOVE PAINT SWATCHES!!!!”
So after we get clothes for hubby, and for E and for N, including shoes and socks and bathing suits...where is Butter going to go that’s in the Mall, for fabulous clothes??? You betcha, TORRID!!! Hubby was a Torrid virgin, plus shopping for women’s clothes isn’t what you would call his favorite way to pass the time, but he’s a good sport and put on his game face, just for me. We walk in, the music is pumping and the girls are all like, “Hey there!” and it is ON.
So if you’re like me, and once again I’m pretty durn sure you are, you take about 5 to 10(00) things into the dressing room hoping and praying and promising your first-born that just ONE THING will fit (who cares if it’s 1 sock, it fits, d*mmit!!!! ). I walk in with 2 bras, 5 dresses, one sweater and one set of Spanxx, aka a “tuck-ee in-ee”.
(WARNING!!! TANGENT ALERT!!!! )
You know what I’m talking about, the "undergarment" that promises to take your size 24 body and cram it into a size 12 shape? I hate ‘em but gotta have ‘em, plus Oprah AND Tyra swear by them, so I thought WTH, they BOTH can’t be wrong, right?? Trust me on this, fan, they were DEAD ON RIGHT!!! Spanxx. Get them. Wear them. Love them. And the best part? They have an “added bonus”, so that you don’t have to pull the entire thing off to go to the little girls’ room, and THAT, my dear fan, is worth it’s weight in gold to me!!!
OKAY. SO. Now that you know what I brought IN with me, guess what I took OUT with me? 4 dresses, 4 bras, the sweater, the Spanxx and a little bottle of perfume. I felt so HOT!!! And the bras have got my girls all up and saying “So THIS is what the world looks like!” (UPDATE: The guys at work were having one hell of a time trying to keep their eyes on my FACE, that is how obvious the difference is! Tee-hee!)
And on a side note, I felt so good this morning, locking the girls into place, that I didn’t even care about E having slept in Play-Dough, causing it to be cemented to her head, gluing half her hair with it! Nope, I just washed her hair the 7 times it took to get it out with a nice, big SMILE!!!
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
I have a song that I want to sing for you, fan, which pretty much sums up the last 3 weeks of my life.
“If you want to be a grump,
But could you be a grump
A little further a-WAY!!
It’s not that I don’t love you
Cuz you know I do,
Sometimes I’m grumpy, toooooo!”
I don’t know if it’s the sense of depravation I feel in not being able to eat what I want, when I want and how ever much I want. But honestly, have you checked out my tracker?!? It hasn’t MOVED, which tells me that the depravation I’m feeling is psycho-somatic. Which is depressing. And I’m grumpy.
So what does one do when one gets grumpy? (WARNING: THIS SECTION IS RATED R!!!) One goes shopping for her best friends’ up –coming bachelorette party, at The World of Porn, and buys a penis shaped cake pan. Sho nuff! I was originally looking for hot pink condoms to glue onto a veil for her to wear for the evening’s festivities (she made me do it, I’m just returning the favor!), but can you believe that The World of Porn does NOT carry hot pink condoms??? What IS that?!? The guy behind the counter (who was surprisingly clean AND well-groomed!) was exceptionally helpful by informing me that although they did not carry hot pink condoms, they DID have multi-colored ones (how DO you tye-dye a condom, I wonder?), they had ones with dangles, they had ones in the shape of dragons, and cobras, and even ones with removable parts…WHO KNEW?!? And what does one have to do to become a condom designer? Do they have a degree for that???
I digress. Besides, time to go make a cake!!
PS: And yes, fan, I promise to take pics of the cake just as soon as I finish icing it…hee-hee!
Thursday, February 28, 2008
I suck, I know, I suck...but c’mon, who the hell wants to blog, on a weight loss website, about how much crap they ate all friggin’ weekend??? I just don’t understand why, when you go on a scrapbook retreat to the beach, there can’t be SOME healthy food SOMEWHERE amongst the chocolate mini-bites and the wine and the M&M’s and the wine and the cheese trays and the wine and the chips and the wine and the dips and the wine and the sodas and the wine...~sigh~...and the wine...
So, yes, that’s what I did last weekend, hubby gave me the retreat as a b-day gift, and honestly, what a great hubby, huh?? He had the kids all weekend while I...didn’t. :) Of course, being a man (and don’t get me wrong! I love men! (And in re-reading that, let me also make clear that I don’t love men in a 'ho sort of way...)), he did need to call me a couple of times just to “check in”, see how much fun I was having, I’m sure. At least he wasn’t THAT husband who kept calling because he had NO idea what the hell he was doing...and there were a few of those calls to one particular mom in the group...”Honey, calm down, Dear Daughter won’t die from eating dog food, she really likes the taste...” “Sweetie, stop screaming like a girl, I’m sure Dear Son won’t die from the chemicals in your Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, he’s just teething ...” And there was even a woman who brought along her massage chair! I threw some SERIOUS cash at her! LOOOOOOVED it!!!
So at the retreat, one thing was immediately clear: I was “the fat girl in the room”. I honestly don’t think anyone else saw it that way, but it’s always the odd one that first notices the oddness, you know? I feel odd in most social situations because I invariably expect to be the fat girl in a group. Of course, yes, I’ll agree that it may not be as bad as having a ruptured boil on the tip of my nose, THAT would be both gross AND odd, so yes, it could have been worse. But I do think that my extroverted-ness comes from trying to divert attention from my gut and booty to my personality. OH MY GAWD, did I just admit that??? “Is she pretty?” “Well, she’s got a great personality...”. I am a walking cliché...
So tomorrow is weigh-in day, and although I know it’s going to be pretty awful, I’m going to do it anyway. I need to keep myself honest with myself. Because let’s be frank here, my dear fan, if you don’t get on the scale you can trick yourself into thinking that you don’t look fat in just about anything, including paisley! “NO WAY am I 230! I look like 165 in this shower curtain print!”
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