Thursday, June 07, 2012
Tonight...is one of those nights. A good thing that we don't have much of anything to eat (pay day is tomorrow) because I'd be eating us out of house and home :(
For those of you who don't know, I've been having to deal w/my dh's depression and oldest son's behavior probs. Well, you can now add one more worry to my list: my 5 yr old ds. He, like his older brother, suffers from ADHD as well as PDD (Pervasive Developmental Disorder; for those who don't know, this is on the Autism Spectrum Disorder) (Jakie's is more audio-speech related). Anyway, shortly before the end of the school year, he suffered a seizure at school. So we brought him to Children's Hospital over in Omaha that day (to their ER), and an appt was made for him to have an EEG and MRI. Well, that was done on Tues. Earlier this evening (wouldn't it figure, they'd call 5 mins before I walked in the door!) our son's Dr's office called -- with the news that a further appt., this time at Univ Nebraska Med. Center w/a Neurologist had been made :(
This not knowing what the hell (pardon my French s'il vous plait) is going on is KILLING me! I can't even begin to concentrate on healthy eating, much less exercise. So for now, I go to the side of the road so that I can focus on my mini-me.
To those of you with whom I was participating in the HLC, THANK YOU for understanding! I am sorry that I had to drop out early in it and from the bottom of my heart, a VERY BIG THANK YOU to Audra and Becky for understanding and being there for me -- YOU ROCK!!!!!!!!! Keep up all the AWESOME and HARD work you ladies (and gents!) have been doing! God willing, some day soon I'll be able to re-focus on myself. But for now, it's gotta be my 5 yr old.
Monday, May 14, 2012
This is a poem I wrote last month. One of life's little ironies: NOBODY, not even my freakin family, gets it.
She puts on her face
changes it up a bit
Another day ahead
may be a long one
let's out a sigh
inside, she cries.
Her heart is breaking
her body aching
she yearns for a time
when she wasn't aware.
Strong is what I MUST remain
she reminds herself
can't let anyone down
must remain calm and steady.
She looks in the mirror
and lets out an ironic laugh
oh how she can fool them all
make them believe she's ok.
At work she's all business
talks with her friends
inside she feels like she's dying
can anyone tell?
At home she does it
all over again in reverse
kisses her children and husband good night
then cries silently into the night.
Saturday, April 07, 2012
Check out these numbers!
Made me think twice, lemme tell ya! :S
Thursday, April 05, 2012
HH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That sound?! That, my friends, is the sound of me screaming my lungs out. Screaming until my vocal cords are shredded beyond recognition. Screaming until my throat is so d@mn raw and sore and red that I'm in non-stop tears. Why? you ask. Because this week is quickly becoming The Week From Hell!!!!!!!!!!!!
For those of you who don't know, our 2 oldest boys both suffer from ADHD as well as Autism Spectrum Disorders (oldest ds has ADHD, ODD, OCD and Aspergers. 5 yr old ds has ADHD and PDD. Pretty sure that our 2 yr old also suffers from some sort of ASD as well, and probably ADHD too). And the 3 oldest munchkins (the boys and their 6 yr old sister) are off this week for Easter vacation (I absolutely REFUSE to refer to it as Spring Break! Let's call it what it is, folks!)
Anyway, Monday I was off and I wanted us to do something fun together as a family, as that's not something that happens too often, between the kids' school, the boys' many therapist appts. and my job. Anyway, on that day I counted 5 times that I broke down and cried. That's what happens when I reach my wit's end: not screaming, not yelling, not disciplining (past the point of all of those). Crying. And I ended up having a beer that day, which is not something I do too often (honestly could not tell you the last time I'd had any alcohol before the one I had Monday night).
Tuesday, WIC appt. for the 2 yr old. We had no babysitter for the older 3 kids and it was a certification, so we ALL had to go. Now in order to get my kids to eat more fruits and veggies, I've had to come up w/some pretty creative ways to sneak those into meals so that I KNOW they're getting enough of those two food groups! Well when I mentioned to the dietitian that I make my own pasta sauce and puree up bell peppers and a few other veggies to get those to my kids, she laid into me like nobody's business. "You should NEVER puree foods! The kids will NEVER LEARN what the correct texture and taste is for those foods!" Blah blah blah. On and on and on. It was like listening to the adults talk on those old "Charlie Brown" cartoons. OH! And she was the slooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwest dietitian I've ever had the displeasure of having to deal with as well! Also she made a change to my son's checks that I said I did NOT want changed! She changed it from brown rice to whole wheat bread. It is d@mn hard finding 16oz of whole wheat bread, or any other kind of bread, truth be told! So there was that for Tuesday.
Today, again I had a day off from work. Again, today, I wanted to TRY TO have a nice family day. Well that was ruined when I was awakened at 7am (after having gone to bed around 4am) by a fight between our oldest and dh. Well, not a fight per se, mostly ds yelling obscenities at his father. Calling him names, etc., then him hurting his brothers and sister and making them cry. During the course of the morning he proceeded to hurt, physically, ALL of us (head butting and twisting my arms, kicking, punching, etc.) and having meltdown after meltdown. Of epic proportions. So much so that dh tried calling both his adopted and bio moms (he was adopted by his maternal grandparents at a young age) to see if either one of them was available to baby sit him while the rest of us ran errands over in Omaha that needed to be taken care of. Nobody was available, however, and so he had to come along. However, he soon fell asleep in the car, exhausted by his own meltdowns. So there was that nice, little reprieve. When he woke up a short time later, he was fine. Thank God! However, when we were coming home from Omaha, dh got a phone call from dh's bio mom who said that she was ready to take him for a few days, if need be. Then she said that she had some food to drop off. When we got home, I was FURIOUS!!!!!!!!!!! Dh's adopted mom, the one who told us that if we gave her a key to our apt. that "I won't come in if you guys aren't home!"?! WAS IN OUR APT.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was...fit to be tied. Infuriated. Ready to come into the apt and kick some serious @$$! My blood was beyond boiling and seriously, if my blood pressure would have been taken at that moment, it would have been off the charts, I'm pretty sure! I was ready to go in and rip her a new one, but let dh handle it (oh yeah! Because he's handled these situations SO WELL before in the past! NOT!). I told dh point blank that if there EVER is another time when we come home and she's in the apt., I'm gonna be on the phone to 911 to report a trespasser! Have had it w/her crap!
So here's hoping and praying that the rest of the week is good, because this week has NOT been conducive to my lifestyle change or my goal of wanting to be a size 18 by my 41st bday (which is now just 18 days away!!). All I've been wanting to do is eat and drink and drink and eat. Please, Lord, just let the rest of this week be GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, April 03, 2012
This week's Mental Challenge is about remembering your worth. I'm sure that there are a lot of us that struggle with the thought that we're worthy of loving and caring for ourselves - that the time we need to put into being healthy and fit truly is the most important thing we can do so that we can lead full lives and enjoy the family and friends who mean so much to us.
The Mental Challenge is a Weekly Requirement
This week, you will earn 50 points for your team for completing the Mental Challenge.
You will record your 50 points on your team's reporting thread.
To earn the 50 points, you need to write down FIVE THINGS to help you remember your worth.
1) I am worth it because:
2) I am worth it because:
3) I am worth it because:
4) I am worth it because:
5) I am worth it because:
To put it in writing, you can write down your worth and post it where you will see if often, or you can share it on your team's chat thread, or you can write about it in a blog.
Ok, sooooooooo...I am worth it because: I need to respect my body and thank it for giving me 4 beautiful, healthy, happy children.
2) I am worth it because: I want to watch my children grow to become loving, well-adjusted adults w/families of their own.
3) I am worth it because: Obviously, God's not done w/me yet. I believe that only when you've fulfilled God's intent for your purpose here on life, then is when you physically cease to exist. Obviously, He has something more in store for me, something that I NEED to do. I can't do that in a sickly body. As such, I need to take better care of the body that He has blessed me with.
4) I am worth it because: I want to grow old w/my dh. Recently I had a pretty major health scare (my first mammo. They found "suspicious looking nodules" and so had to do a second mammo, in less than a week's time!). My dh told me point blank that he WOULD NOT let anything happen to me because he plans on growing old w/me and watching our children grow and leave our house, then watch our grandchildren be born and grow :) I want to someday be able to travel (would LOVE to go to Italy! My paternal grandma is from Italy and she made ALL of her pasta's and sauces FRESH! One of my cousins who grew up near our grandma is supposed to be sending me some of grandma's recipes! Can't wait!) :)
5) I'm worth it because: I honestly don't know what to answer this 5th one. I've already covered growing old w/dh, thanking my body for giving me my children, God not being done w/me yet, and watching my children grow to adulthood and have families of their own. I don't know. Find my inner athlete, maybe? Ok, yeah. We'll go w/that. I'm worth it because I NEED TO FIND MY INNER ATHLETE! Wherever she may be hiding inside of me, I know that she's in there and is fighting her way out of the fat shell she is being hid behind!
So there ya go! 5 reasons why "I'm Worth It" :)
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