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Ugh what a bad week

Thursday, February 12, 2009

I have just looked at my nutrition log for the week. I am very disappointed. I have gone over my alotted calories everyday. I feel like I have barely eaten anything but the choice I have made...junk food and fast food...have done me in. I feel really bad. Last week I felt so sure of myself. I felt proud and healthy. This week I feel like garbage. Literally, I feel like I ate out of the garbage can.

I have been stressed about having to go outside my safety zone with making my business grow, joining this and becoming more open and sharing. This is something that is new to me and I am scared to do it. I eat yucky stuff that I think will taste good like potatoe chips, french fries and diet pop. I think that this will take the other feelings away. But it doesn't it just make me feel like I have let myself down and that I will never be slim.

I am so tired this week. I feel like all I have been doing is looking after my business and cleaning the house. It was my husband's birthday on Monday and Valentines is this weekend. I have been focusing a lot on my husband. My pet rabbit is sick again and I am stressed out about that too. The vet says the same thing everytime we take him in, so there is no point in wasting money doing it again.

One good thing did happen yesterday though. I was doing cold calling for my business and talked with a lady who belongs to a networking group I was trying to join. She asked me to attend their meeting yesterday with her. I absolutely loved it and will join at the end of the month after some invoices come in. I already have four people from the group asking if I can help them with their businesses as well.

Anyway, I want so badly to be healthy. I feel that if I slip up once it is all lost. I have to remember that this is a journey one day at a time. But being an emotional eater I trick myself into things like, if it's one day at a time, I can have this today and it will be okay. But I do that everyday and the result is what I have now. Well, hopefully I can do better tomorrow.


Losing it the first time

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

As I've stated before, I have been bigger most of my life. Looking back now I see that I wasn't really that big after all. Before I had my son I was about 150, which is more than 50 pounds lighter than I am now. Back then, I still wore the short skirts, tight blue jeans and so on. Mind you I was 17 at the time too.

I know that I had lost weight about year before I met my son's dad. I was walking to school (about 1/2 hour each way) because it took too long for the bus. I was also living off whatever I could grab in the fridge because I didn't really know how to cook at the time. Luckily the person I was boarding with always kept lots of veggies in the fridge. Also, I was working at Orange Julius so I always had fresh fruit and juices available.

When my son was 10 months old, I went back to school. There was a bus strike and I didn't have a car so I walked or biked everywhere. This really helped me to shed some pounds. It also helped that I wasn't at home eating all the time either. When I entered the workforce, I still continued to ride my bike to work. It was just quicker than waiting for the bus. I worked with a lady who was really into macrobyotics and living healthy. She rubbed off on me a lot and I began to follow the Fit for Life principals of food combining and eliminating dairy. I was eating really healthy.

Since I was working, I also joined a gym for women that had babysitting. In the long run, I managed to loose 40 pounds and was around 140. This was one of the best times of my life. I was happy, strong, confident and was doing things with my life. I had met a man, who turned out to be my daughter's father. And it was the first time I ever fit into a size 9 pants. I didn't have a bulging tummy and I could stand in high heals 8 hours a day with no knee or back problems.

I went to university a year later and fit in perfectly. I wasn't the odd ball fat chick like I felt in high school. I was the same as everyone else. I could buy the clothes that everyone else was wearing and look good in them. There was a gym for students on campus too. I could work out and not feel ashamed of my body.

I have a picture of myself in my sister's wedding party which is the favourite one I have of myself. When I made my vision collage this was the one right in the middle. It is hard to believe that was 13 years ago last October.


Stressed out about job stuff

Monday, February 09, 2009

I guess I can't really say I am stressed out about work because I'm self employed. I am working on building my business but I find it so frustrating and confusing. In one aspect I love it because I don't have to put up with office politics and crappy bosses. But I have this fear that the clients I do get are or are going to try to take advantage of me like when I was working. My first client paid within the week but then she took over 6 weeks to pay her second bill and got mad at me because I wanted her to pay. But it was nice that I had my first phone in request from someone that I didn't know. It was a referal from someone who I've told about the business.

My business counsellor said I had to really work on networking to get the business going. I have looked at joining the chamber of commerces in my area but they are all so expensive. I have found two other networking groups for women though. I have contacted one that meets every two weeks but I have heard no response. There is another at the end of the month that is for women with home businesses.

I have been going through directories to try to find potential clients. At this point all I can afford to do is cold calling because sending out letters will be too expensive. I have been weighing the pros and cons of purchased lists and making my own. I know purchasing will save money and time but I haven't figured out if my response rate will be enough to cover the costs.

I also want to start a part time business doing hair styling for weddings, grads and what not. I can't get a job doing hair because even though I am a journeyman, I don't have a licence to work in the province. I have had two inquiries so far. I think I will put up some fliers at the grocery store too instead of just on kijiji and other websites like that.


Exercise and the fat girl

Friday, February 06, 2009

I had a very interesting conversation today with a women I suppose I could consider a friend. I took some work I was doing for her to her home. I made a comment that I was frustrated with my hair and chopped it all off. She said that it looked really nice (which made me feel good) and that my face looked thinner (which made me feel even better). She asked me if I had lost weight (which made me feel even better). I told her that I was trying to be more healthy, watching what I was eating and exercising.

This lady's heavy, my guess is around 250. We talked at length about how our doctors view us as obese women. Mine just gave me heck, in a nice way, because of medical problems I was and could develop. He never gave me any help on how to lose it but told me to take extra calcium and iron since I became a vegetarian. At this appointment, I had weighed in at 212 which was about 50 heavier than the last time I saw him three years ago.

Hers didn't understand her limitations on exercise because of her weight. She said that he told her to get out and walk. But he didn't understand that just walking from the corner of the block to her house caused pain in her hips and back. She was very frustrated because she knew she had to do some type of exercise but was getting no help to find out how without hurting herself.

Later she said that she started her own "couch exercise" while watching her mystery/legal shows. She would do crunches while slouching on the couch or lift her feet off the floor like a reverse crunch. She also waved her arms around and did pantomime bicep curls and so on. She was happy that this little bit was making her stomach muscles feel used and her heart was beating faster. I congratulated her on even taking the initiative to do it herself...because every bit helps.

We talked more on how it is difficult for people our size to be as active. Some people don't realize how uncomfortable it is to have your breasts hitting your nose (even with a extra, extra full support bra on), your stomach slapping against your pelvic area and legs and of course the friction from your legs rubbing together. Not to mention the anxiety of having to go to a gym with the people who look like they stepped out of a magazine. Someone should start a gym for only people who are over 160 pounds. That way it won't be so traumatic...lol.

Anyway, I told her about my love of the rebounder. I seriously think this is one of the best exercise equipment tools out there. I told her about all the reading up on it I did and what I found out. I even offered to lend her mine so she could try it. She seemed very excited and I hope that she will take me up on the offer. Hey, maybe I just found a work out buddy?


Mothers' and Daughters' Weighty Issues

Thursday, February 05, 2009

I've always had a problem with being overweight, except for a combined period of two years right after I had my kids. I remember in school the boys used to bug me because I wasn't skinny or athletic like all the other girls in my school. I also told them it was better to be fat than ugly because at least I could go on a diet.

I remember asking my mom what a bread basket was because she got us an Operation game for Christmas. I was about 7 or 8. She told me that I had to stop eating bread because I had a fat tummy and that was what a bread basket was. I didn't actually feel fat at that time and looking back I don't think my photos from then look fat. Now I look at my daughter and think "Is that what I looked liked?" She is by no means fat, she has got a bit of jiggly tummy because she eats too much junk food and isn't as active as she used to be. She isn't pencil skinny either but she's healthy for a 12 year old-5'1" and 115 lbs.

She tried becoming a vegetarian with me last spring. It lasted until Christmas when I went to see my sister and she stayed home with her step-dad, who is a self-declared "meataterian." She does eat better now and being a vegetarian opened her up to thinking about what she put in her body. Well considering all the times I would get mad at her for only eating bread and cheese. I kept telling her being a vegetarian meant you had to eat veggies too. I think the main reason she quit was the being different at school, especially on hot dog day.

Anyway... I feel like my mom was never supportive of me when it came to weight. After my daughter was born, I lost a lot of weight and then gained it back about a year and a half later. I was standing in my living room putting a sweater on over top of a sundress I was wearing. She told me I had to start loosing weight because I was bulging out of my dress. It really hurt. Like I don't know that I'm gaining weight? And I would never say something that hurtful to her. And like she is one to talk.

See, most of my mom's family was big...hey they were French/German and farmers to boot. Her sister, my aunt, has always been big, usually over 200. My mom was big too when we were kids. There are pictures of her before I started school where she couldn't even sit a the kitchen table properly. One summer after my parents were divorced, she took off with a boyfriend for the summer. She came home all skinny. She's been that way ever since.

I knew that her boyfriend was diabetic so I thought that she was sticking herself with needles too so that she would loose weight. I never did find out how she did loose the weight. One day she told me that now she just likes her salad and eats really slow.

I remember on day I showed a school friend a picture of my mom's parents at their 40th anniversary. The friend made a comment about how fat they were. I never knew what that meant. They were always just Granny and Grandpa. When I asked my mom if they were fat she said yes and that I would turn out like that because it ran in the family.

Now, my daughter tells me that she wants to be a model when she grows up. I told her that she could do anything else except that. I told her I was scared of the stereo-typical model being so skinny they die, anorexia, bulimia and all that. I don't know if people at school bug her about her weight, but I know her brother has. I try to stop it but there is only so much I can do. I just try to show her how to be healthy but I feel that with my weight problems, it's a do as I say not as I do scenario.

In the past few years I have been more verbal about my insecurities with my weight. I try not to make it a focus of attention but am honest with it. Like why I don't go swimming with her... We also have talks about other people we see so that she can recognize what a real person looks like and what qualifies as beautiful. It makes me feel good when my daughter tells me I'm pretty and not fat at all. She does complain that she doesn't like my clothes though.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JLANDSBERGER 2/5/2009 9:18PM

    I really think you're going in the right direction. Providing a healthy role model (yourself), providing healthy foods in the house, and being open and honest with her are the best ways to go. I don't have kids yet, but when I do, that is what I'm going to try to do. It sounds like you've got everything under control.....you're doing good.

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