Sunday, March 20, 2011
Well it's been a while since I wrote a blog entry...
Eating and exercise has been up and down. I walk five days a week for about an hour to an hour and 20 mins. Not all at once though as I don't have time for that most days. I walk a half hour in the morning, a half hour in the afternoon and about 20 min after dinner. I was going to the gym yet that is where I mean the exercise is up and down. With everything going on and my busy schedule it is hard finding time to get the gym. With the warmer weather coming I am hoping to be able to get there more often and get back into some classes. Time permitting that is. There have been so many changes in my life since my ex left the girls and I and every day holds new challenges for us. Some times I feel like I am getting control of things and my life and I start to feel good about the steps I have taken both with my health and just life in general, and then the ex comes a long with all his mind games, he has a way of making me feel like crap! Not to metion things with my home and everything regarding that are really up in the air right now. All that is pretty stressfull to say the least so often my eating is not where it should be. some days I don't eat much at all or I eat all the wrong things. I do try to pay attention most days to what I put in my mouth but it is not consistant enough, so really have not lost any more weight. I can maintane it and fluctuate up and down within 5 pounds but don't seem to be able to go anywhere from there. I really hope I can get my weight moving down again. I worry a lot about many things and it does not help with the weight situation. It seems so much harder to keep my mind on me right now with so much of my life up in the air. I just pray for the day when I can feel secure in my home and my girls won't have to worry about the future every day. Maybe then,,,, who knows I just might be able to take more time for me! As for now I am just trying to keep my head above water. I'm walking because I know I can fit that in and I am trying to get a better hold on the eating thing. Hoping to do better at getting myself on track with the whole thing because the eating and exercise go hand in hand. yet with life as it is right now it is difficult.....
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Well hubby walked out on me and the girls... All I can say is I am very lost and broken and feeling like a failure. My youngest daughter and I over heard him on the phone with another women. (he thought we were out of the house). It was awful. I am just really torn apart and most days feel like I can hardly breathe or stand. The tears just keep coming on and and off and I am overwhelmed and not even sure how I am going to get through financially and emotionally. I am trying to be strong for my girls, but it is difficult. I know they need me and I will do my very best to shield them from my brokeness. yes they do see my crying. Maybe one day those tears will go away. I wish I could control the tears. Some say it gets easier, I really don't see anything getting easier, only harder...... I really have no clue how some women stay so strong.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Well on top of all that has been going on in my life, yet another is tearing me down. Never thought I would be here and have prayed numerous prayers about it. Have been married almost 17 years, together with my hubby 22 and half years and now he has said he is not happy. We have had problems in the past (that came out of the blue really) and it was the same thing. Like walking into a door that you did not know was there. He said he was leaving then.. I thought we worked things out and everything seemed really good. Yet once again I am the stupid one. Now after hearing of his plant closing in 2011 he just kinda went strange from then. Hardly talking to me and when he was it was treating me badly, snapping at me and commenting rudely etc. and then saying he is not happy and seems he is making plans to leave me and my two girls. I am devastated, and heart broken and some days don't feel I even have the energy to stand. My eyes are so swollen today from crying most of the day yesterday. My life will never be the same if he leaves, more importantly my girls lives will never be the same. I grew up with my father leaving when I was 10 and never ever wanted my kids to be faced with this and have to go through what I did! Now it seem I can't do much to stop it! I'm so broken inside and I don't understand any of it ! Why is life so cruel?! Why every time I turn around is another person walking out on their spouse?! What is happening to this world?!! I don't know what my girls and I will do or how we will get on with out him. Jobs are few and far between and my experience is even less than that. I grew up working with kids in day cares when you were allowed to have one teacher in the room who was not ECE and one that was. I did not have my ECE but knew more than most that did since I had been in day cares since I was 16. Now a days both teachers have to be ECE qualified, and now that I am 40 I really don't think working with kids is for me, and sadly I don't really know much else, and frankly I am terrified of the thought of anything else. It's silly really, but it goes back to my childhood. Anyway, I don't drive either so that makes things even more difficult. Enough on that though. Thing is I never thought I would be here. My hubby always said that I would never be faced with that. He knew what I went through as a child and he said he would never put me nor any child through that, and now here he is not giving a crap and only into self gratification and what is good for him. He is thinking only of him, his happiness as a single man with no responsibilities, no one to be accountable to, no kids in the house when he comes home so he can just do what he wants and not have fatherly responsibilities. He wants to play his online poker and do his own stuff. My girls wonder why his happiness is more important than there's. They don't understand any of it either because as my daughter says, "mommy you guys hardly ever argue" We didn't anyway, but now with how he treats me it is like he is trying to create arguments just so he can say we don't get along. I guess that way in his head if he believes it or creates it he feels better running off on us. It seems he is working harder at making our marriage bad than he is at making it good.. Life sucks and if he leaves I don't ever see it being better.. No after that my life is basically ruined. For some with big paying jobs and such maybe life does not have much of an adjustment after a spouse abandons everyone, but that is not the case here. I don't have a good paying job, nor do I have that good education. My hubby knew that before we got married and he also knew how important it was for me to be a stay at home mom while my kids were in public school at least. (because of how I grew up I wanted to be there for my kids to help ensure they would do well in school and have confidence in themselves). Both my girls get VERY good grades and are confident girls, but I can see this ripping all that away and changing them. Especially for my youngest who is only 11. It's awful and I feel very broken. I am trying to remain strong, but that is easier said then done. Holding myself together some days feels impossible. This time of year it's even harder. Some people are so selfish! Running out on people seems to be the thing to do now a days. No wonder everything is so screwed up. And this is coming from the girl who used to be a very positive person no matter what happened in life. That is another things that tears me apart. All this has changed me so much and trusting anyone is very difficult. I used to trust almost everyone... *sighs* Seems now a days it's normal to have more than have the population single parents.. I just don't know how I will do it, I guess for some it is easy, or easier anyway.. For me, well I don't see anything easy about it. Especially with hubby losing his good job and finding something for that good of pay any more is difficult. He gets a buy out but once they take off taxes it won't be much, and then after getting that even if he pays off bills, then now we have no money coming in and he can't collect unemployment, so of course he will need something. The jobs out there know don't pay much so if he leaves half of not much is pretty much nothing to live off of... I see him being the type of person to find something under that table so he has money for him, but then we suffer even more, and as selfish as he has been I don't see him caring all that much. When I say selfish I mean it. He never wants to leave his online poker games to take the girls any where, everything is a bother for him when it comes to doing something other than for himself, and that I am not exaggerating about in the least......... Anyway....
All I have is prayer and I have been doing a ton of that lately.......
Blessings to all, and I pray that your lives are joyful and happy and that you are not being faced with anything such as this........
Saturday, November 14, 2009
I have not had much time for me lately nor sparks, so just want to say sorry to all my groups for not being around much. I really miss interacting with everyone. And thanks to those of you who have send wonderful insperational posts to my page. Life has been stressful, With all my 11 year olds issues with asthma and other stuff with her throat and swelling and such that have been going on it has made things stressfull and worrysome for all of us. Even more so with the H1N1 going around. Then hubby gets the dreaded news that his Ford Plant is closing for sure come 2011. Then if all that was not enough stress, my oldest daughter, (14 yrs old) has been having reactions to certain fruits lately, (ie swelling in the lips and such to peaches, then apples). Had tests done and was told that she had Oral Allergy Syndrome and that she could still eat those fruits cooked. I guess due to her allergies to Birch tree's, rageweed, Maple tree's and certain grasses, that some of these pollens in the fruits are the same as what is in the tree's or grasses. Yet that is not the worst of it, then she had a reaction to eating her halloween candy. (some reeses pieces and some M&M's). We went back to the allergist and they tested her for various nut allergies. She swelled up to peanuts, brazil nuts, Pistachio nuts, cashews, & hazel nuts!!! I am so upset and stressed and so is she and the rest of the family. We love nuts and many, many nut products and we have so many in the house. My daughter has eaten all of them many times, but is now developing an allergy! It's crazy, but I guess it happens later on in life either teenage years or adult hood sometimes to people who have the certain seasonal allergies she has. She now has an Epipen and needs to go for more testing. (Blood work this time) it is more accurate then the prick test she had. I am praying that things will come back saying negative and that the skin test was just a mistake. We will have to change so much in what and how we all eat. I buy healthy breads that contain certain tree nuts, I buy nuts for me and my eating right . So, SO many products contain peanuts/tree nuts. More than I thought even. Things like dried soups that I have in the house, bagels that we have among many other products. It is such a serous allergy as those of you who know someone who has it or have it yourself may know... My daughter has very sensative skin so really praying that the test was just wrong. Mind you the reaction she had to the candy,,,,,,,, well I don't know, but I'm just going to pray. Many healthy foods contain or are made in places where they come in contact with nuts, it changes so much for all of us. My daughter loves things with nuts! It will be hard for her. I'm worried for my daughter, who this is all new to, I am worried who she may come in contact with that may be eating something with nuts.. I am not sleeping well and I am stressed to no end. Life just is not fair sometimes.
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