Thursday, August 01, 2013
I can't in good conscience say that I fell off the wagon for a short time. I will be honest and say that I pretty much jumped off the wagon and headed in the opposite direction from healthy. Some of it had to do with huge personal issues but for the greater part it was me and I alone.
I lost a cherished family member to lymphoma. It was doubly hard because I just got into survivorship. My husband dealt with the loss by working out , I dealt with it by eating my way through anything and everything. So he lost weight and I gained it.
Our marriage went through a very rough patch- my response create a checklist of things that needed to be done and EAT.
I did join a gym but after a brilliant start I just fell by the wayside- work being the most convenient excuse. Bah! Humbug I say.
Last night I was looking at the clothes in my closet and was amazed at how huge the pants, the shirts were- when did the cutely plump Bubble become this ginormous monster? Who was this huge woman occupying my slim body? Who was this woman who kept lying to herself by making excuses for not getting out and about? That woman unfortunately is me and I am at the point where I disgust myself.
I realized some hard truths about myself last night while looking in the mirror
1. I am a born shammer- I will start with all good intentions, but should I fall off; if there is no one to push me back on, I will not make the effort to climb back on. The good part is once I am on I tend to stay on- the mildly OCD side of me I guess.
2. Absolutely no sense of portion control.
3. While I will track things like finances with a diligence worthy of a bloodhound or the IRS, I cannot seem to extend the courtesy to myself by tracking what I eat and drink and how much.
4. I seem to have fallen off a lot of things - my garden, my house, cooking, crafts, keeping up with friends- all to the same excuse no time!
Here I am 4 years down the line and 40 pounds heavier, seeking to do the same things but this time for myself and me alone.
I started by setting my alarm clock for 4:45 am with the intention of working out at the gym for an hour. Ended up doing about 20 minutes of yoga at home. Some of you will think I am a loser but I feel happy that where I would have earlier just gotten up and read a book, I got up and did make some kind of effort.
The weight that I have entered is an approximation. When I get home today I need to weigh and measure myself and update those as well. I think weekly weigh-ins would work better for someone like me.
I also have to maintain what I eat in a food diary. Which I shall maintain at SP as well.
Wish me luck AGAIN and please pray with me that this time I am able to find the right balance and will not let life's events lead me astray.