Friday, February 17, 2012
I think of myself as a pretty gregarious and outgoing person. But when I am at the gym I feel awkward, uncomfortable and generally like a poser - as if I am just faking it and shouldn't be there at all.
So, when I go in, keep my head down, do my work out and leave. I don't look at anyone, I don't talk to anyone. AND I want the same from them. Just leave me alone and let me sweat in peace.
So, on this particular day I was especially self conscious when I realized that the gym was full of men. Big men. Small men. Fat me, fit men. Young men and old men. ARRGH. OK. Where in the heck were all the women!? So, I just sucked it up, went to the locker room, changed and off I went.
Right away, two young men paused in their work out to look at me. OH help. Engage mantra: "i'm am invisible, I am invisible I am invisible - you DO NOT see me".
As I continued through my work out, I couldn't help but notice that several men took a moment to look at me. Now, I still weigh over 200 lbs so I KNOW they were not checking me out. (except this one guy - but that's a different story!) repeat mantra. Why in the heck is the (really) fit guy smiling at me!???? (repeat mantra)
As I proceeded to the weight room I became more and more uncomfortable. When I walk in, I am not exaggerating, every single one of the 10 guys in there looked right at me. of course, I felt that all the looks were judgmental; telling me I did NOT belong. (repeat mantra) Lift chin. I paid my dues, I have every right to be here. How come nobody is staring at that guy with the cain? One guy had the audacity to look right at my stomach! (repeat mantra, repeat mantra)
At this point, I am rushing and probably not getting a great work out but I am feeling so uncomfortable and out of place I just wanted to get done and get out.
Almost on the verge of tears now, I scurry to the locker room and am faced with a full length mirror. And then it hits me. I am wearing a T-shirt for a Local youth football team. Big as life it says "FOOTBALL" across my belly.
They were not looking at me - they were looking at my shirt.
I am sure that the ladies wondered why I was laughing so hard I had to sit down.
Friday, September 23, 2011
I have NOT been good to Mi Selph lately. I have been saying bad things and feeding bad things to Mi Selph. What a horrible thing to do to someone!Mi Selph and I worked so hard to loose 47 lbs. then I got bored, or tired or angry. Frustrated. Who knows, but I started taking it out on Mi Selph. Poor abused thing. She needs love, support and kindess. Not mean selfish misdirected anger.
Slowly slowly, bit by bit, the weight has been creeping back on. I have been looking at how far Mi Selph has to go - not how far she has come. I lost sight of the goals I Mi Selph had set. I was feeling lack this was a hopeless task and Mi Selph would never get where she was going.
So, today, right now, I am pushing the restart button on my relationship with Mi Selph. I am reminding her that she is a warm, loving, kind and funny person. She is worth all the effort I have to make to help her be healthy. She deserves the best fruit and vegies the market has to offer. She deserves to have pre boned and skinned chicken breasts. She deserves to have time with her lady friends.
Yesterday was the introduction meeting to a new wellness program at work. Since one of the huge let downs for Mi Selph last year was NOT winning ; I am reminding Mi Selph that this year it is about helping everybody else be successful. Take care of Mi Selph and not worry about the contest, just worry about making sure my coworkers find humor and joy in their journey. Her greatest strength is her compassion and giving spirit. (It helps that one of the co workers was impressed that Mi Selph had kept the weight off - still - a year later. She did not notice that Mi Selph had gained 6 lbs!)
I told myself that she needs to be proud that she is still here, sparking away. Good for you! You did not give up. So, you've had a set back. SO WHAT!!!!! This is not a race. There is no prize here for losing the most the fastest. The prize is going to be continued good health and energy. For Mi Selph.
Think about the "Slowest Loser" guy. He was not in a big 'ole hurry. Selph, selph, selph, it does not matter that you fell off the path for awhile. Drag your bruised, scratched and tired backside back on up there and get moving. Take the lessons you've learned and make them assets.
Mi Selph, I love you, you make me laugh. I've been told that you are a warm, loving and giving person. Build on that. Gain strength from that.
And back away from that Cheesecake!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
I have been feeling half empty.
It's been a difficult few days. "Obligations" to my family, difficulties at work, financial worries and just a general funk, have made sticking to my plan difficult. Then, this morning, I over slept and had to rush out of the house - not time for breakfast because I have to wait 1/2 hr after taking thyroid meds to eat. ARRRGH. I figured that I would stop for a fast food sandwich when I went and got the mail. Forget that I have a lunch date with my daughter today ....
Then, I got to work and checked my email. "you have 54 new messages" 54! What in the world.
of 54 emails - 4 were junk and 48 or so were comments on my spark page. What the heck was going on. Then I saw it - i am/was the "Done Girl of the Day" DGOTD.
So much love and encouragement. So much support. When you are feeling down, it is easy to forget that there are 100's (1,000's?) of people out there just like you. With the same issues, worries and struggles.
It is so important to use the what Spark people offers you. Not just the diet, but the support, the tools, the LOVE. I encourage everybody to find a Spark group that fits you and join it. The support and encouragement you will receive is amazing. Remember not to just take what you need, but to give back also. Someone out there is just waiting to hear what you have to say.
This day, that started so badly, has been uplifting for me. I vow not to ever ignore the DGOTD notifications I get but to take a moment to say HI and offer encouragement.
Thanks DONE Girls. You have filled my glass to overflowing.
Breakfast? Well, lucky for me I had decided on Monday to purchase healthy snacks to leave at work - instead of a greasy fast food sandwich, I am eating a Fresh Green apple and Cheese sticks. I'll still have lunch with my DD - but I think I'll suggest a walk around the lake and a sandwich instead of a burger and fries.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
On my quest to live a healthy life in mind, spirit and body, my goal is to do things I've never done but always wanted to do. And to laugh and smile while doing it.
Last weekend, it was canoeing.
This weekend it was not so physical but still a HUGE step for me.
You see, I was a chaperon for my daughters Senior Prom. No big deal, really, except that it was a dinner and dance. My reward for chaperoning was --- you guessed it - free dinner. Oh No!!!! at one of the areas well known restaurants, I KNEW this was going to be a diet disaster! Here I was, sitting at a table with teachers from the school who already thought it was weird that I was there (another story for another time) AND the menu was "preordained" What's a girl to do?
Yup. I drank water. Then, I ate my salad. The whole thing yes - dressing not on the side but go figure. The main dish wash chicken. Not so bad. SMOTHERED IN SAUCE. AAarrrrgh. I was really hungry, I had to eat, I was not in a situation where I could ask for a special dish. So, I carefully removed the chicken from the bone and savored every bite. Then about halfway through - HERE IS THE THING I'VE NEVER DONE - I pushed my plate away. That's right. I PUSHED THE PLATE AWAY. Without thought of what the others might think of me, I did what I had to do. I have to say, there were a couple of raised eyebrows at my table, but everybody was to polite to point out this fat girl was pushing away her plate at one of the best restaurants in the city!
Then, dessert. Huckleberry Cheese cake. I could feel the tension at my table." What is she gonna do?" Well, I ate it. Ok, Ok, I ate about four bites, decided that was enough and - wait for it- I PUSHED THE PLATE AWAY. Yes I did. I did not eat the entire piece of cheese cake.
I am telling you, I will be the talk of the teaching staff for years to come - - until two years from now when they see a thinner me with my son when he enters high school. The joke is on them. I could tell they were shocked. I very much enjoyed the inner laughter - mine.
I am really starting to have fun with this. My Life. Who knew it could be so awesome.
Friday, May 06, 2011
Todays daily spark article was about figuring out what your goal really is - WHY do you want to loose weight. I wanted to share my experiences with that.
My weight loss since Christmas has been very slow. Many days came when I just wanted to give up and forget it. Some weeks I'd get on the scale thinking I did not care if I lost - I just hoped I hadn't gained.
So, even before reading the article, I did some of the things that it suggested.
I took my measurements to re-focus and see that my body was changing, even if the scale was not.
I thought about what it was I really wanted. At 48, my goal is not a beach bikini body! Married 21 years, my goal is not to find a mate. After three kids, my goal is not perfection. So what is it? Who do I want to be?
I want to really live. To be able to get from the car to the store without huffing and puffing. To be able to get up out of my chair without assistance. To get on an airplane and not have to purchase a second seat. To get on a ride at a theme park without being afraid I was going to be refused or get stuck. (or worse, break it!) To live past the age of 67. To be healthy. To love fully and to laugh often.
To be able to buy my clothes anywhere I want. To have sales people rush to help me, not ignore me. To no longer be invisible.
I want to be a dancer. I want to be a swimmer. I want to be a hiker.
To stand up for myself when wronged. To be a kind and loving person whose friends and family know how much they are loved.
To do things I've always wanted to do but been afraid.
When I started examing my goals for myself - without the weight loss factor, the picture became quite different! So I set myself goals that were not related to my weight. And realized I was meeting them!
I have purchased clothes in the regular Misses dept at a regular dept store. And the sales people actually helped me! One woman, a total stranger, was so excited when I told her I'd lost 43 lbs she gave me a 25% discount. And I told her about Sparkpeople.
I am healthier. I choose the healthiest foods possible 98% of the time. When I do eat soemthing not so healthy, sometimes I take a bite or two and say "YUCK! so not worth the effort to eat this"
I appreciate the people around me and tell them so. I am calmer. Don't yell so much, because I know I can stand up for myself without fear. And I will hug them just for being in my life.
And I am doing things i have always wanted to do but was afraid. I have been a Girl Scout leader for a long time. When it was time for canoeing, I was always "the lady on the doc with the whistle". I was afraid. But not this time. This time I got in the canoe and I paddled around the lake and got soaked (it was raining).
My face hurt from smiling. My heart sang a song of absolute joy. I did it. I DID IT! ME!
I am changing my life. I am making my life be all I want it to be. It is hard work. But it is so worth it. I have to stick to it. Never give up. Never give in.
I am done being the fat girl. I am strong, adventurous and loving. I laugh a lot.
I am already successful in changing my life. The weight loss is just a side affect.
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